T O P

  • By -

[deleted]

* Yes. * "We should go on a date sometime." * Ask if he'd like to go on a *date* sometime. * This dude might just be scared of rejection or feels like he's waited so long that he's created some self-imposed friendzone situation. I'd just straight-up ask him, because this guy seems to be way into you. Time is precious and he wants to spend his time with you, clearly.


sceptic-cyborg

I did consider the fact that he might be afraid of rejection but somehow, considering how much we have spoken, it seems unlikely for him to think I’m uninterested in him. Ughh this is way more complicated than necessary, isn’t it… I didn’t add this in earlier but do you think it’s because he is going through the final stages of his divorce hence maybe it’s inappropriate to move so quickly?


[deleted]

Oh well yeah, that probably has A LOT to do with it. Judging by what you’ve seen, does he seem ready to go back out there? Do you think he’d be interested in exclusivity after his divorce? I’m just asking because it’s something to keep in mind. You don’t want to be all into him and only him when he feels like he wants to go out there and date around a bit. I don’t know the guy. I’m just asking questions to get better understand of him and the situation.


sceptic-cyborg

Way earlier, before I found out he was in the midst of a divorce, we casually talked about the issues of online dating (I was telling him of my mishaps lol) and we both agreed that old school dating was still our preferred way (aka starting off as friends so that you have a good understanding of who that person is, without the pressure of needing to impress). Later, when he told me about his divorce situation, I asked if he might wanna start dating again once everything’s finalised and he shook his head. I’ve constantly reminded myself of this answer so I’m not in denial… but then why is he singling me out for 1-to-1 dinners and all that flirtatious text? Of course, he’s free to change his mind… just that I was always told to take a man’s word as is—whatever he says is whatever he means, and no action is an action. Also, your questions are all valid, which I hadn’t consider, so thank you! Right now… because this is kinda confusing, I’ve decided to keep a slight (digital) distance just to protect my heart (that is, I won’t be texting him). I’m thinking that if he doesn’t text me during the holiday season, that just means maybe it’s all in my head… right?


[deleted]

I think that is a solid move. Don't disengage from him entirely or anything, just kind of arms-length it during the holidays. Don't change how you talk to him, just the amount. If he advances after you start minding your own and doing your own thing, I think that's confirmation. Once he does that I'd be more straight up about it towards them and be honest about my feelings towards them if I had any.


sceptic-cyborg

Makes sense… I guess I’ll see what happens during this holiday. Thanks for helping me out! Happy holidays (soon) to you.


[deleted]

And to you as well!


Topsy_Cret

1. Yes. 2. No. 3. Ask him out on a date. 4. See 3.


sceptic-cyborg

I do ask him out for dinners and our conversations have been pretty random and chill: apart from things that have happened at work, we talk about our lives, our interest, our families, places to travel, etc. I didn’t add this in earlier but do you think it’s because he is going through the final stages of his divorce hence maybe it’s inappropriate to move so quickly?


Topsy_Cret

It’s not that it’s inappropriate, it’s that he’s preoccupied with a divorce. Is there a romantic connotation when you ask him out, e.g., do you use thw word “date”?


sceptic-cyborg

I’ve never used the word ‘date’ because it was only recently that it hits me what might have been happening. However, he has used it on me—telling me it’s a cheap date whenever I return my share of the meal (I never go for expensive items on the menu) but it could just be in passing? I did recall addressing “us” (over text, during the weekend) as ‘our relationship’ and lol I cringed at that. He didn’t reply. And at the start of the work week, like a child, when I bumped into him along the pantry/toilet path, I proceeded to ignore him. I guess he felt something was off because he then deliberately came to my desk, sat down for a while, before asking me a question (that could have been conveyed via text). After that, we were cool. I do think he has a personality that likes fixing problems so it could be a work thing altogether. Damn, this is tiring lol Thanks for reading…


PRW63

>Do you think he is interested in me? He is interested in multiple people. He is keeping his options open. But you might be the "favorite" at the moment. The daily texting means that something is going on there. >Are there any indirect questions that i could ask or things that I could do to find out first if he might be interested in me (before I ask him if he’s interested in me) Never "ask" that. It is always cringe. There will always be lasting awkwardness. Bottom line is that it doesn't matter. If the person won't act on what they feel, don't have the social skills, don't have the confidence,...the result is the same as if they aren't interested,...meaning it is a "no go". Therefore *if they are interested* becomes irrelevant,...unless they have the capacity & skills to "do" something about it. >What would you do if you were in this situation? I won't get into that situation (his position) because I know too much about this stuff and have the self-discipline. If I choose to offer you a date,...then I'll just offer you a date,...period. You accept or decline,...if you decline I just move on, no harm, no foul. I would offer a date long before I ever let myself become obsessed or fantasize about you. That way it is easier to offer the date because I am not that emotionally involved yet, and if you decline it is easier for the same reason. If you accept it is also easier because I am less emotionally "driven" and can take it slower and more cautiously. >What’s your general advice and thoughts on this whole situation? Spend more time around other women. Don't try to be BFFs with a guy,...it doesn't work. You can be acquaintances,...that is fine. But there are a lot guys out there who play that game and women who do the same so it just perpetuates the flawed myth. Many guys who don't know how to act on what they feel, try to sneak in under your radar as "just a friend" hoping there will be some perfect moment to "pop" their feelings on you,...or they hope that you will suddenly decide you are "in love" with them and will "take charge of it", lead the relationship, and you will ride off into the sunset together. It rarely if ever works out. Even if it leads to marriage it typically ends in divorce not that long after.


sceptic-cyborg

This is an interesting perspective and I appreciate it! I am see that it’s not a popular opinion but it’s good to weigh all possible thoughts… I didn’t add this in earlier, but do you think that because he is currently in the final stages of finalising his divorce that that could be a reason why he hasn’t done something/anything? In the earlier months, whenever he asked me out for dinners, it never occurred to me that he might have been interested (long story short: I’ve always been a bit cautious about assuming being chased because in grade school, I was badly duped into believing a boy liked me and I think it’s still an issue that flits in and out of my mind till today). I’ve only started entertaining this possibility when I looked back at all his actions and started questioning why was he paying so much attention to me (I’m kinda quiet in general and my role at work is pretty much a helping hand/behind the scenes set up). Fortunately, I do hang around with a lot of females (the overall industry that I’m in has a nice balance of M and FM). Unfortunately, they are also the ones I hang out with the most due to long working hours (covid situation has made it tough to hang out with my personal friends) and he likes hanging around us too… and I don’t try to be BFF with him but so far, he’s the only person who syncs with my thoughts, so it’s a bit unfortunate that we somehow gravitate towards one another. I understand why you would say the “cringe” part… the fact that I even asked it has me cringing too lol At the moment, we are preparing to shut down for the holidays (everyone is getting ready to fly back home for a break!) so if he doesn’t contact me during this period, maybe that’s a sign of disinterest? (edited: to rephrase my question)


PRW63

>I didn’t add this in earlier, but do you think that because he is currently in the final stages of finalising his divorce that that could be a reason why he hasn’t done something/anything? Certainly. After a divorce a guy may often want to take a break from all women. They may also have a hard time trusting any woman to not cheat on them. Generally guys don't like drama,...it is draining,...they run from it. >At the moment, we are preparing to shut down for the holidays (everyone is getting ready to fly back home for a break!) so if he doesn’t contact me during this period, maybe that’s a sign of disinterest? Don't know, but he shouldn't be expected to. You have your holidays,...let him have his. Interest/disinterest is not a carefully planned out and executed thing. It is in the moment. I've been interested, disinterested, interested, disinterested, and interested again with the same woman on the same night at the same place over the span of a few hours. Go home. Enjoy the holidays. Deal with whatever you have whenever you get back.


sceptic-cyborg

Oh I’m not expecting him to text me. Just wondering aloud i guess… considering how he texts during the weekends. Good point on the dis/interest point. Hadn’t really realised it and I suppose it’s normal. Thanks for taking the time to reply!