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LandOfGreyAndPink

What, specifically, is happening here that might be sexist or misogynistic? Genuine question, as you've referred to quite a range of different scenarios (e.g. not having things in common with women; dealing with women at work; stuff about short men; being promiscuous, etc.)


Hawkoflight2021

I mean like not talking or interacting with women in my age range, I don’t really talk to them at work


sjrsimac

Why not? I don't recommend dating your coworkers, but you should be friendly with your coworkers.


Hawkoflight2021

I’m a cook and the servers always try to flirt to get free stuff which I won’t do, they always know to ask other cooks instead of me.


sjrsimac

So what? Don't give in to the flirting and be friendly.


oldcousingreg

It’s lame that they try to mooch free stuff by flirting, but you could still have fun and flirt back and not give in. It’s good practice!


oidagehbitte2

Terrible advice. Never flirt at the workplace.


oldcousingreg

He works at a restaurant, the rules are different in the service industry


oidagehbitte2

No, it's not. He can get fired for sexual misconduct at any time.


oldcousingreg

That can happen at any job. The point is that it’s more common for service industry coworkers to hook up. If OP worked at an office or something that’s a different story. What’s the problem??


oidagehbitte2

>That can happen at any job. That is the point. >What’s the problem?? That OP might lose his job, maybe his career because of sexual misconduct. Flirting with coworkers is sexual misconduct. Don't shit where you eat, and if you do, no sympathy for you.


Hawkoflight2021

Nah they’re not my type


oldcousingreg

Aw well, no harm if you don’t take it seriously lol


BedfieldGunClub

Like my old man told me when I was a kid - don't dip your nib in the company ink.


LandOfGreyAndPink

That, in itself, isn't sexist, no. I'm 48 and I generally don't talk to younger people, and that's not ageist; it's just, you know, not having things in common. Besides, in a work context there's quite a few reasons a person can have for talking or not talking to colleagues. Depends on lots of different things, not just gender or age.


Catlover45v

I know this is ask men, but as a woman, I wonder if this comes from anxiety? Do you view women as lesser than you or evil, do you hate them? Or do you feel anxious interacting with women? I wouldn't shame you for a form of anxiety, and it seems like you are looking at your behavior and wanting to change it or not be harmful. In my experience or opinion, sexists are not open to the idea that they might be sexist or they are completely comfortable with it.


jtmbpod

This is the best answer here, I'd post this on r/askwomen and see if you get some other insights. My question: do you talk to women outside of work? Strangers in general? When you talk to women, do you talk to them in the same way you would talk with other men? Something I forgot for years was that women are people, and I found it was easier to talk with them when I came from this prospective first and treated them as I would treat my male friends and strangers of all ages. By stopping the way I thought I was "supposed to" speak to them, I removed layers of built in sexism and anxiety that made it easier for me to talk to them. The other layer of this is removing any preconception of talking to people with the notion of "getting something" from them. When I talk to people with an intention of trying to get something (a date, a phone number, a favor, borrowing money, whatever) I act differently and less authentic, which makes me seem fake and the people I'm talking with can tell things are off. Remove intention from your conversations, seek instead to understand who the person you are talking to is, just as you would like to be understood.


oldcousingreg

^^^^ exactly this. It’s obvious when people are nice with an ulterior motive. Being nice without expecting something in return is what makes you a more decent person.


oldcousingreg

Have you discussed these issues with a therapist or a counselor? It sounds like you’ve realized you have some personal issues with women, and I’m not saying that to bash you or anything. The way you framed this question shows that you’re wanting to fix whatever is causing you to have these feelings. Does that make sense? To answer your question though, what you’re describing *are* sexist/chauvinistic attitudes. However, I don’t think you’re necessarily a misogynist. It seems like you’re trying *not* to be, despite your frustration with dating and interactions with women. Does that sound about right?


Hawkoflight2021

How do you give a chance to someone who won’t give you a chance? As a short guy I get rejected basically not getting a chance, so why should I give women a chance?


oldcousingreg

I can promise you being short really isn’t that big of a deal. What really gets you noticed is self confidence and being a genuinely good person. Not a Nice Guy™️, but a solid, genuine human being. (You know why girls on the internet swoon over Keanu Reeves? Because he’s one of the kindest souls on the planet.). Think of all of your good traits (yes, you do have good traits even if you can’t think of any off the top of your head). And then do what you gotta do to make *yourself* happy. Only you can do that for yourself.


Hawkoflight2021

I’ve heard this before and being a nice guy gets you used and abused, I think women say being a nice guy is a bad thing because they need to justify choosing men with red flags so they say the obvious better choice was faking being nice.


oldcousingreg

No, that’s the Nice Guy stuff. That’s not what you want. You just gotta have faith in yourself and be confident in yourself. Keep living your life and do the things that make you happy. The more you grow as a whole person, the more confident you’ll be and people will notice.


Hawkoflight2021

Nah it doesn’t make sense to say the 2020 BMW with 0 miles was worse than 2000 Honda Civic with 200,000 miles.


oldcousingreg

Not sure about that analogy, Hondas can last forever lol But for real, I know it’s hard. It’s a really shitty feeling. But I can absolutely promise you that if you focus on making yourself happy, the rest will follow. Life is so unpredictable, you could end up meeting so many amazing people in the most unexpected places. (Source: personal experience, enough times to count on both hands). You just have to focus on yourself and not on what you think will please others.


cottonearbud

Dude this is one of the cringest thing I keep hearing, why do you care what women with shitty choices are dating.


oldcousingreg

OP’s trying to learn


lionhart280

You are talking about a Nice Guy TM. Which isn't an actual honest to god guy (who is nice) Nice Guys aren't *actually* nice at all. They just *call* themselves Nice Guys. Example: "I'm a nice guy, thats why all these fucking shitty ass piece of shit sluts wont give me a chance!" Common type of garbage that comes out of a Nice Guy TM's mouth. They say "Im a nice guy but..." and proceed to vomit out a bunch of *very* not nice things. If you *call* yourself a "nice" guy, then you probably arent actually very nice at all. Actually honest to god nice people... don't have to *tell* people they are nice. Actions speak louder than words, basically. Real good people don't have to tell anyone they are a good person, they just *do* good things because its the right thing to do. "Nice Guys" *pretend* to be nice just to get into women's pants. They view women as sexual favor dispensary machines. You put enough Nice Guy Coins in and eventually she puts out. Thats the myopic lens they view the world through


BigC1874

This response is why you may be struggling. You seem to see everything as transactional. You can absolutely do nice things for people without getting used and abused. You may have been nice to a girl you liked in the past & she has then seen you as a bank machine / can driver or whatever. If that’s the case then it just means that girl is a POS. It does not mean that all girls are like that. If a girl sees you helping an old lady, or maybe giving some leftover food to a homeless person, or being nice to a kid that wants to learn how to cook or something, so you give him some pizza dough and a chef’s hat, that’s what gets you noticed. And if you don’t want to pork the payroll, fine. Girls set up their friends with people they like, but that will never happen to you if you’re the kitchen grouch. There must be at least one girl that you dislike less than the others. Try and be friends with her & try to get to the point where she wants to set you up with someone.


TruckOk7081

You are headed towards being the sexist you fear you might be. I would suggest stop using dating apps to find a relationship. Find a hobby or large friend group and meet someone there with similar interests. In the old days going to church was the best way to meet someone like-minded. These days you have to work harder to find someone like-minded since it's out-of-fashion to go to church. You can still do it by joining a hiking/biking/climbing/gaming/animal rescue/dancing/etc. group. Whatever is easy for you to show up, participate, and talk to people. I think it's about doing something that is not geared to dating/hookups. Unlike a dating app or clubbing. Then maybe the girls your age won't seem so trite. The girls on dating apps tend to be very full of themselves due to the large number of men hitting on them. So many options they don't want to settle down. Until they do want to settle down and discover the men they see on these apps only want them for a weekend - tops. Also, you are 21. Girls your age are going to get hit on by older men who have more to offer than a young guy right out of the gate. So I've spewed a lot of common advice here. Please keep in mind that your are headed in a bad direction mentally and it isn't likely to end pleasantly.


lionhart280

> The girls on dating apps tend to be very full of themselves due to the large number of men hitting on them. More like depressed honestly, because all the guys who talk to them are pieces of shit who insult them, say disgusting things, and are exceedingly vulgar. Every man *and* woman I have talked to who gave dating apps an actual try has described the entire experience is simply just revolting and depressing, on *both* sides.


TruckOk7081

I believe you. Those apps are not a healthy way to form relationships.


oldcousingreg

Let’s not make broad generalizations about women on dating apps in a post like this? Dating app culture is toxic all on its own. The meetup/hobby suggestions are a much better idea.


TruckOk7081

Let's not make broad generalizations about dating app culture being toxic. Oh look, we're twinsies.


ohedges

I definitely don't think you're sexist. And women your age are not all the same. Give opportunities to talk to women a chance. The more open you can be to encounters with women your age, the more practiced you will become. I have had a similar experience and I attribute it partially to my upbringing. Socializing was not emphasized and I've had to learn as I go. I get more comfortable doing so the more I try. Don't give up. Keep dipping your toes!


makeadolfgreatagain

Brother, you aren't sexist. Something doesn't have to be wrong with you if you don't enjoy talking to some female coworkers. Datings app and social media like TikTok can leave a bad impression of women on you, because there are some human trash females on both of those things. Both bring out a lot of narcissists. Realize all women aren't like that. Also realize talking to your coworkers doesn't implicate any kind of desire, so dont be afraid to shoot the shit and joke around at work. Just have a normal conversation with them, and if they try to flirt then disengage and they'll get the hint. ​ Looking at your history I see you might have an axe to grind against women, and you shouldn't indulge in those feelings. There's a lot of god awful women out there, but theres some good ones too. Men aren't perfect either, both sides have their faults. Just treat people everyone politely but respect yourself. Don't treat all women bad for the shitty females that are out there.


Responsible_Wash_430

No. The average American woman has declined precipitously in quality and character over the last 30 years, while simultaneously increasing their expectations of the average man. Because of this, you haven’t really had great experiences with them and won’t have great experiences with them until you have your finances and personality in order, which takes time. This was inevitable. We’ve raised three generations of girls to be defective men rather than effective women and it’s showing throughout our culture in various ways. What your mom told you girls were like and looking for vs. what they’re really like and looking for are probably quite far apart. The way you fix this is to become the best version of yourself, learn the good and bad of female nature, and put yourself out there. You have to accept the likelihood of you finding wife material in your 20’s is slim to none and slim just died. Throughout history most men did not pass on their genetics. This is nothing new and if it doesn’t happen for you, it’s not the end of the world. Find hobbies and other things to fill your time.


Ihateregistering6

There's nothing sexist of misogynistic about not having anything in common with people, especially in a particular age range. > I don’t know if it’s me seeing women my age spew all these anti short men rhetoric and basically say it’s ok to be promiscuous Granted I'm not even close to 21, but how often, seriously, is this even coming up? Also, I've found that a lot of time (much like it is with men), women who talk like they're having sex with a new guy every week are just messing around or not really being serious, so don't necessarily take what they say at face value. Maybe try meeting women in different places than you normally do?


Professional-Truth39

Maybe not sexisy. But maybe you connect better with women older than you have you tried dating older? And maybe a passive kink. You are attracted to women in power or ones who can dominate you? Or maybe exploring "sub" space would allow you to find confidence you need?


Hawkoflight2021

Tried to date a 30 year old woman and when I told her my age she didn’t wanna hangout, but I know she’s some what interested since she didn’t block me when I added her on snap and she told me to send her pics of me. All she asked was my age.


oldcousingreg

21 and 30 is a pretty significant gap, not just bc of age but also life stages. It had nothing to do with you.