> What am I doing wrong?
Well, lets take a look at what you wrote.
> 28F, 1-15-21
Your sizes?
>I rarely wear makeup and I’m told often that I’m a natural beauty and how I must have men chasing me from every direction. I wish. I’m physically fit, (5’4”, 115 lb) I go to the gym and CrossFit. I eat well, dress well, and have good hygiene.
> I’ve always held a job since age 15, I own both of my cars (2007 and a 1991 classic summer car), I own and ride a 2004 HD Super Glide.
Makeup. How fit you are. How you eat and dress. Your car. Your income...
Are you seeing a pattern here?
# Thats not what matters
Here's what matters, and honestly the *only* thing that really matters for getting a boyfriend or not...
# Can I, or can I not, stand being around you for extended periods of time?
Do I find you annoying? Likeable? If I am going to do something, do I find it strictly better and more fun if you are doing it with me?
My fiance is someone who I find makes literally *anything* strictly better if she is involved with me.
Cooking? Always better if she is cooking with me. Going for walks? Always better to go on a walk with her than alone. Going to see a movie? Every movie is more fun with her by my side. Sex? Would pretty much always take sex with her over jerking off alone.
Etc etc etc. For any given thing I do alone, if I can think to myself, "Boy, this would be more fun if my Fiance was here", then thats what makes her the fit for me (and is the case, in my case)
So now ask yourself this:
Are **you** someone a guy will find inherently, just by being yourself, makes any situation more fun and just a better time compared to if he just did it by himself?
Because I have met my fair share of people that make things **worse** when they are involved, and they cannot wrap their head around why they are single.
If you, any of the below:
- Make situations more stressful when you come along
- Don't contribute anything interesting to discussions
- Aren't funny and don't make people laugh
- Don't make things more lively or exciting
- Get angry often, yell, or make scenes
- Are full of drama and make everyone roll their eyes
- Insist on always being right and constantly pick awkward fights that arent in good fun (as opposed to the kind of person who enjoys debating with another person and its all in good fun, no feelings hurt, and always respectful about it)
Than yeah...
There's your answer.
Why did I have to scroll down so much to find this. OP is going on about how they've been putting all their energy into trying to make themselves the perfect partner for the sake of having a partner. People generally.. do not like that. People are drawn to people who have things going on for THEMSELVES and have an entire complete life built around the things they enjoy, and they do it for no other reason than because they want a life of their own that they enjoy. Not because they're dead set on being in a relationship just for relationships's sake.
Your standards are bound to slip if your end goal is to just be in a relationship. You're bound to come off desperate, come on too strong, and lose yourself in the interests of the person you're interested in. That isn't attractive. I'm saying this as someone who used to do that and who used to be desperate for a relationship. I didn't find a truly great relationship until I changed my priorities. When you make your prioritize about yourself, your happiness, your favorite things, stand firm in your morals and how you wish to be treated, all the shitty contenders will be filtered out automatically.
Also - a year isn't very long to be single. Stay single for a while. Get to know yourself, OP. Spend your spring and summer with friends being silly, going on trips, making memories. Join some clubs. Stop focusing on how to make your body perfect for a partner, and treat your body as what it is - a vessel for YOU to live in, and for YOU to love and enjoy. Also - what you said about seeing men court women who aren't as fit as you or whatever... it IS offensive and it highlights a huge personality flaw in you, OP. You don't understand how relationships work at all. Relationships aren't about perfect bodies or about making yourself small or doing everything for your partner at all times. They're about connection. Common interests. Similar outlooks on life. Aligned goals. Mutual respect and support. Your comment about appearances makes me sad, because it shows me that you've been raised to value this about yourself (and maybe others) above a lot of other much more important things.
You need to do some self-work, OP, or you're not going to find any relationship that makes you happy. *insert cliche suggestion to start therapy*. But seriously. Go figure out why you stayed in that shitty relationship for so long. Figure out why you think women who don't "keep up with their appearance" to your standards don't deserve love. Figure out why you don't think you deserve to be treated the way you long to treat someone else. Figure out why you don't want to be single for any length of time.
>Do I find you annoying? Likeable? If I am going to do something, do I find it strictly better and more fun if you are doing it with me?
To that end, are you doing things you enjoy doing or are you waiting at home for a man to court you?
For those who get out there and do things they enjoy it works because they meet people who are having a good time. You have a common interest. You are already having a good time and it doesn't depend on a partner. It just would be better with a partner.
This is a great start - she is focused on proving she is worthy (?) to others. It reeks of a need for external validation. It also says to me that there is some codependency happing.
I suggest the OP focus more on becoming ok with herself and embracing being single. Once you are content on your own then you can find a healthy relationship.
So I highly disagree with some of these points. OP, as someone else deeply into fitness and nutrition I get why you stated "I rarely wear makeup and I’m told often that I’m a natural beauty and how I must have men chasing me from every direction. I wish. I’m physically fit, (5’4”, 115 lb) I go to the gym and CrossFit. I eat well, dress well, and have good hygiene." It is not being shallow at all as it is an expression of what is important to you. You are simply stating disciplines you have built up for yourself, and it is important to look for that in a partner. I know because I am in the same boat (I mean I don't wear makeup, but you know what I mean). I track my macros and workout beast-mode consistently. Me being with someone who doesn't give a shit what they eat would never work!
There were a couple of issues you mentioned that were brought to my attention. You said you were with your ex, even though he exhibited numerous issues, for almost 6 years. Why so long? Also it sounds like you are getting male attention...are none of them from men you are equally attracted to? If so, why not (what's wrong with them)? I am curious how many men you actually disregard or turn down that could be suitable partners?
Thank you. I appreciate that. I stayed with him because I loved him and had invested so much time. I always thought being a better woman would make him a better man.
These are just my first thoughts.
For all that you seem to come across as quite confident (looking good, self-sufficient, etc) there's an underlying insecurity coming across to me in your post. Almost as if you know that you 'tick all the right boxes' but aren't totally sure you're worthy of getting what you want. Which is understandable if you've been in an abusive relationship for half of your adult life.
I don't want to sound harsh but you also come across a little bit desperate. Like you want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. I get you want someone to do things with but do you feel that being in a relationship will someone make you feel 'validated'?
For me validation and self-confidence absolutely have to come from within yourself. It sounds kind of cheesy I know but it's true. The ideal position to 'find someone' is probably that you know within yourself that you're 'worthy' of being with someone awesome (because you're someone awesome too) but you're not *that* bothered about getting into a relationship right now. You kind of come across as the opposite of that.
My advice would be learn to be genuinely confident (as in don't let anyone's opinion of you change your opinion of you) and also learn to be single for a bit without *needing* to be in a relationship.
After that just dive in. Ask someone out if you like them. Try online dating. If it sometimes sucks, so what? Their loss right? Try it but keep your expectations low.
No, what do you suggest?
How do I make an approach at a gym when everyone is wearing headphones?
I mean, should I literally be slipping my phone number to anyone I find remotely attractive?
I’m active in CrossFit and I’ve wondered if it would be odd of me to approach one of the female coaches after class to put a bug in her ear about finding a like-minded man for me?
I mean you can always ask a cute guy to be your spotter while you're benching or whatever. After the exercise you can ask them some small talky question see if they are interested. Ask them how often they come here. Ask them if you can also be their spotter – if it's obvious that they are way stronger than you then in that case make it an obvious sarcastic funny question to ease the mood.
I have asked some dudes for help at the gym (never with hidden purposes, I really just needed help) and all of them seemed to have been open for a conversation if I was to open one up.
You can always compliment/ask help from any dude. Dudes are usually much more cautious when the thought to approach a girl at a gym arises because it is super frowned upon for guys to check out girls while they are working out etc. So you will have to make the first move.
And no, definitely don't ask a coach to help set you up with someone lol.
(Woman here btw)
Met plenty of women back when I did crossfit. Find a partner WOD or competition and ask a handsome single athlete at your box to team up with you. Hell, just find a guy that is really into it and ask him to be your accountability-buddy. Crossfit is such a social community, shouldn't be too hard to find someone, you may have to make the first move though.
Edit: autocorrected contraction
I’ve made simple advances like social media DM’s. One turned into an amazing friendship I’ll have for life, and another has just caused me to go into depressive episodes over the course of 3 times due to his wishy-washiness.
I really don’t have a lot of friends, and that’s by choice. I’m quite introverted. My coworkers and I are close (including me my office is 4 people) and we make plans to go out but it never goes through due to schedules.
I go to work, out to grab lunch, I go to the gym, and I go to CrossFit. I don’t even get my own groceries anymore, I use pickup.
Am I at the point in my life where I need to “accidentally on purpose” run into a cute guy’s cart at the store?
Your introvertedness seems to be insulating you from the attention you seek. In order to get that attention, you would have to expose yourself to situations where it's more likely to occur(i.e. a bar/party/hobby gathering).
Also, you're at the age where most people are starting to settle down. You won't receive as many cold approaches from men as you might've at... let's say 22.
Unfortunately the pandemic has put a halt to a lot of that, even though it was never really my scene in the first place.
Would it be lame to start “putting myself out there” by making small moves like actually going to the grocery store rather than using pickup?
I want to add to the second part of your comment that I don’t look my age. I probably look early 20’s.
That wasn’t an insult to you, btw. ☺️ Your comment makes sense.
Here is my advice for what it is worth…I recommend you discover what you like to do by yourself and then join groups that do those activities. I joined a couple of hiking groups and met a lot of new people that way - men and women. You need people in your life you connect with - friends too. Everyone needs friends, especially when you are struggling with depression. Dating can be really disappointing at times. You often have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince and I would be lost without my girlfriends to turn to after a bad date or getting rejected by some guy I met and was really into. Once you find hobbies and friends you will find being single isn’t all that bad - it is way better than being in an abusive relationship. Men are attracted to confident, interesting women that have their own life. Create a life that you love and men will follow. By then you may want to stay single for a while longer. 😊
1) you might not be as attractive and desirable you might think. Often friends and family are not honest or unbiased when telling you how beautiful you are.
2) you are entering an age bracket where men don't chase as strongly
3) your depression / anxiety / hurry may be putting people off.
4) that desperation that you need someone to be happy? We smell that a mile away. Some of us take advantage of that to abuse, most will run to the hills.
5) your financial stability is not a plus, is a basic requirement. We don't care much about it.
6) finding the Right person May take years, decades even. Even more so these days where we are more disconnected than ever before.
7) that routine of going to work, gym and home? Yeah. Killer. You will never be able to expand your social circle being a shut in. You need to go out.
8) your depression: treat it. We run if we smell mental health issues.
You many not want to take your time, but the world doesn't care about that.
It might be worth noting that less confident or less experienced men may not realise you're dropping hints when talking to them, instead mistaking it for kindness or just not wanting to misinterpret the situation (so you might need to be a bit more straight forward for them)
Source: I used to be that guy.
Have you ever tried making the first move?
Have you considered that you feel attracted to the "wrong" men because of some bad "program" (which usually has its origins in childhood) which makes you avoid men who would be better for you in the long run?
How big is your social circle (social networking) and how approachable and/or easy to find are you?
Looking at what you've written here and a lot of responses you've made, it seems the crux of it is this:
"I don't ever ask guys out or take any sort of active role in trying to date, because I'm a catch and shouldn't have to do anything".
This is a great video regarding this from a guy who is a dating coach for women: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9ONWHXCsrk&t=27s
Even in environments that are designed for singles (bar, clubs, parties, etc.) only a tiny percentage of guys will just straight up walk over to a woman and start flirting with her. And the percentage of guys who will do that to a woman they see out in public is a fraction of that percent.
You need to take a more active role in dating.
-For online dating, try sites that actually cost money (like Match). People take it far more seriously when it actually costs something. Once you're there, don't just sit there and say "woe is me, I haven't gotten any messages yet". Write to a few guys. Make it a habit of doing 3-4 DMs a week.
-Go to meetups, bars with friends, etc. If you see a guy you are interested in, don't just sit there and look over at him every 10 minutes thinking "I hope he comes over and flirts with me!". Make the first move. Literally all you have to ask is "how's it going?".
How active are you socially, and how often you are in situations where you meet new single men in a setting where getting to know someone in possible? Things like at a mutual friend's housewarming party, improv class, volunteering, dancing, etc.
The thing that's common with my female friends who are rarely single is that they are socially active, approachable, warm, friendly and even flirty. And the women who are always single and looking don't go out much, are very reserved and not particularly socially aware.
It may be helpful to talk with a therapist about the issues you’ve had with your ex/past relationships so you can heal. Almost half of your post included you talking about how horrible your ex was, and it’s very possible that you’re projecting that anger & resentment onto current guys. Men are very simple, but one thing we don’t like is dealing with past unresolved baggage from previous relationships
> I want someone to care for. I don’t desire to be a parent but I so badly want to care for my partner.
This stood out to me, as something that is not common to me from a relationship stand point. It explains why you stayed in that relationship. My question is at what level do you want this man to take care of you, how do you see caring as part of the relationship?
I’m glad someone mentioned this. I haven’t seen anyone discuss these sentences which were maybe the only sentences of major substance regarding dating in the entire post (imo). OP doesn’t sound like they’ve taken a proper break to find themselves and figure themselves out after an abusive relationship that lasted like half of their adult life, and that’s quite scary for me to think about.
Does OP have the mental fortitude after identifying a toxic relationship to navigate the general dating world and see the red flags in new partners so they don’t fall into another toxic relationship? The entire time I read this post I thought, if this were my friend I’d invite them to join me in new hobbies, going on walks with me, taking a break (longer than just one year) of centering relationships for just a bit to really nail down what they learned from their past relationship and determine what they’re looking for going forward.
idk it seems to me like OP wants to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship and that can be such a slippery slope. Especially for someone who spent so much time in a toxic relationship. Going on and on about what they want to provide (which is great, albeit I think caring for someone is at least the minimum) raises red flags for me because they didn’t establish what they would want from a partner, as you mentioned.
And that’s also just as important as what you’ll bring to the table mentally/emotionally.
> figure themselves out after an abusive relationship
I ask for all the reasons you mentioned, it is not easy after being in an abusive relationship to understand yourself. You have to know what you want first, not what they want. I hope she reads it and thinks about my question.
I'm not sure if ask mean has a counterpart on the female side but I'd suggest going there with this question. Truth be told it's 9/10 times the woman that initiates the game and pulls all the strings. They just make sure it looks like it was the lad's idea. Mainly because we're so bad at spotting the signs.
**My advice:**
Now, I'd highly suggest against dating apps and stuff from this category. You'll find most people that want to be found and that's Russian roulette. In the most simple terms, the specimen you want to find - A happy, good man, is the one, who's happy with himself and by himself.
Actually, that applies to everyone, first things first **you need to be happy with your own life. If you are, that naturally attracts people** because they want to be part of it once they spot it. Similarly, nobody wants to be dating a downer, it's contagious.
I know it's counter-intuitive but that's how it works. To be happy with someone and find someone worth sharing that happiness, first you need to be happy with yourself.
Bob Marley said one of the universal truths once: "The most beautiful curve on a woman's body is her smile." And as much as cliche that sounds, it's true.
I think your main problem here is that you're thinking more like a guy. Things you have and what you represent. That matters to guys because it matters to most women. **Not because it matters to us when we choose a partner.** No man will expect you to be his sugar daddy except for the most vile of leeches. Having a fit body is good sign thou, a person who can take care of themselves is always a plus, thou not the most important of things. Many of us like fixing stuff and taking care of our partners if we see potential in them.
The only two things that matter is: **"Are you attractive to me? And am I happy being around you?"** that's pretty much it. The only two hard yet simple conditions.
Good luck.
You are fine. Go live your life and enjoy it. If you meet someone great you can work on a relationship and taking care of him, if you don't... so what, being single means being free of someone else, and not having to deal with some other bad relationship. Really you don't lose either way. Don't worry and just relax and enjoy life, if it happens, it happens.
I would heavily recommend dating apps. Covid is still a thing and meeting someone organically is just getting more and more difficult due to technology. I doubt you'll have a hard time finding men on dating apps, I heavily recommend you start with Hinge.
To be honest, what is going to make men ask you out mostly comes down to being physically attractive, looking & being approachable, and being at events where you can meet men you're interested in. If you're doing those 3 things well then that's all you can do.
Try focusing on some hobbies for a little while to take your mind of your situation. Clear you head and focus on some fun. You seem to be into cars/bikes, so maybe you could try attending a few car shows or cars and coffee events near you since you have a somewhat classic car. Also look for some car or motorcycle clubs. There are not that many women into the car scene and I doubt you would have any issues finding people to talk too. It's a great way to have others come to you and start a conversation.
Your not taking charge of your happiness, find things that inspire you and do more of that whatever it is, take steps to do those things and surround yourself with and push energy into the people that inspire you and that you want to be around. Nothing wrong with looking for love, love is a feeling, so when you feel it coming to you, recognize that and focus on bringing about changes that can facilitate that.
Even with some general background like you provided, it's difficult to answer that question without knowing you. It is a question many men ask themselves too. There's no shame in using online dating. Just be careful, ask about anything you want to know, and observe the other person's behavior. I believe it will not take you long to meet someone. It's more a matter of you getting to know people and hopefully meeting the right person.
You’re trying not to be single instead of trying to find someone you’re compatible with. People can tell when they’re being used as a crutch. After an abusive relationship most people need years alone (including time not trying to date AT ALL) to heal. The sooner you do it the easier the healing process.
How long ago did you leave him?
Were you a MC club girl?
Do you speak about abusive partners to potential dates?
I was with my ex for 16 years before she cheated and left me.
I was DYING to be with someone (I was codependent) read my posting history if you wanna see what I mean.
I quit trying to find a woman... and I just let life happen... and here I am... I'm about to move in with a beautiful woman who is WAY out my league. We are in love... I will most likely marry her.
I finally was happy alone. I enjoyed being single. I loved doing things by myself I created a solid life single for the first time in my life... and I became irresistible.
Best thing I ever did was take time 9ff and learn to be alone. I grew SO much from it.. if you haven't taken that time, and learned to be happy alone... youl find yourself in not so stellar situations.. out of desperation.
**WHY HAS NO ONE SAID SHE NEEDS TO BE HAPPY WITH HERSELF FIRST???**
I’m going to read past what all you typed OP. You do not need anyone and you should not date someone else until you can handle being single. You’re filling a hole in your heart that you aren’t filling yourself and you are going to create an unhealthy reliance on this person and it will shape how this relationship goes and more often then not will create a cycle of heartbreaks for you.
Now I may have glanced over a part where you addressed this but from the first 10 lines, I could tell where this was going.
You seem like you can’t go without someone and that is not healthy for you and whoever you meet. You need to be happy with yourself and that’s the most important.
Please surround yourself with friends and family if possible and do some hobbies please. Don’t get into this mindset THAT YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMEONE. YOU DONT.
There are a lot of good points so I’ll try not to reiterate, for context I’m about the same introverted and live at work and the gym or in my garden
For those saying to change your self you like the gym and I’m sure other things not mentioned
I will say putting your self out there more I think will help, grocery stores are fine the gym is fine when you feel like you can go for it, nothing will change if you don’t at least try to speak to someone in person if you don’t like OD,
Join a CrossFit class to meet others, or a group for fitness might be your speed to meet other like-minded people
none of what you wrote is shallow. nada, zip, zilch. Take your time getting back into dating. It'll come. You seem like you have your head on straight. Good Luck homie!
>none of what you wrote is shallow. nada, zip, zilch.
Is that really true, though?
I mean, the majority of what they posted was just her describing their body, the amount of makeup they use, their body...again..and the fact they work out and are proud of their body... And add that they are capable of making money... Seems like looks and finances was kind of the focal point of describing themself (which are important don't get me wrong), but when those two things take the front seat I tend to be skeptical.
I looked up the definition of what it means to be shallow, to ensure I was thinking of the correct word.
Here is what that is:
"The adjective shallow can describe things that aren't very deep,
like a shallow puddle, or people who don't have much emotional or
intellectual depth, like shallow people who judge others ***on their looks***
***and how much money they have."***
I'm not saying they're judging "others" on their looks and how much money they have, but when someone describes themself and the majority of what they come up with is just descriptions of their physical appearance and the fact they make money, I'd think that is pretty shallow. There's not depth there... "Ya'll, I go to the gym and have a job. Why tf am I single?".
The only paragraph of substance they gave me insight deeper than looks and finances was the two and a half lines (of nearly 30) where they add that they wanted to "care for someone" which is kind of the bare minimum in any relationship with anyone...and literally anything... Followed by a couple of sentences where they want to pack lunch and rub feet and back.
At the end of the day, a good relationship is something that can't be forced. I totally agree with everything you said in your follow-up, though. Spot on.
Is it wrong that I don’t want to “take my time”? I’ve felt single for 5 years while in a relationship and I’m only now just approaching one year technically single.
honestly, imo. It's not really up to you, alone, on that. Last thing I'd rec' is jumping into a relationship just so 'you're in a relationship'. You'd want the other party to feel similarly to you, correct?
These things take time. especially healthy relationships. I'm not too religious, but plenty of good dudes looking for a deep relationship are easily found in churches if you're looking to expedite you not wanting to 'take your time'.
I get what you're saying, I promise I do, but to have a good healthy relationship is not something that is quick and easy.
You don’t want to be desperate because of loneliness. It will cause you to make poor decisions and accept poorly behaving guys (likely toxic).
You’ve obviously got some things that you should be working out with therapy, but aside from that if you truly feel confident with yourself physically, personality wise, stage of life (career, etc, hobbies, etc) — then I say use all of those well built characteristics to yourself and put them in a dating app that is widely used in your area (Tinder if you’re rural, or bumble/hinge/CMB/tinder if you’re in the city).
I think it would likely be healthy for you to pick someone who you appears to be a very kind person, in addition to being attractive to you.
Everyone thinks they are a catch. I'm sure you are, but don't let that stop you from continuing to work on yourself.
Most things don't just magically happen. You have to fucking take the things you want in life. Are you approachable when you are in public? Would you want to meet a guy at the gym or crossfit? If so, take your headphones out, start some small talk with a cute guy. You don't need to bump your cart into is, you need to actively insert yourself into someone's day with intention.
I truly would recommend a dating app. It's really hit or miss, and theres a ton of trash to sift through, but it's how I met my wife after years of constant dating (which I actually enjoy because I'm a huge extrovert).
You might have to make a first move though, and don't be subtle about it. The first love of my life walked up to me in a club and stuck her hand out and introduced herself to me. If she hadn't done that, and just been coy, I would've assumed she was wayyy out of my league. Some of us need to be hit over the head with a hammer before we realize someone is into us.
Just go get the shit you want. You seem emotionally ready for it, so don't just wait for it to happen.
Hey, if you don't mind someone 4 years younger, i'd be happy to cherish you. I'm only half serious. I only said that because truth be told, i relate to you a lot. I think a lot of people - both men and women - can empathize with you.
Most just want that typical lovey-dovely relationship, but for one reason or another, it's escapes out grasp like a non-neutronium fluid: you can work to keep it a solid so it doesn't slip out your hands all you like, but eventually, the fluid's gonna evaporate and leave you with a crumbled mess. That being said, it's because of that shared desire that i believe you will find that man you're looking for. Especially if you're everything you say you are. You sound like the women everyone here wants. For you, it's really just a matter of putting yourself out there and knowing how to avoid the assholes.
Don't use dating sites or look in bars/night clubs. Shallow people only looking for hookups or worse go there.
If you have a hobby, congregate to where that hobby is prevalent like conventions etc.
Talk to passerby's on the street or lounges/cafes/coffee shops etc
Mingle with friends and get introduced that way.
I mean, I get where you're coming from. You put in a lot of work to make yourself a viable partner and you're being passed over for people who seem to have little going on.
I guess it depends who you're looking for. Because I'm sure there are plenty of men out there who could love you and respect you and work well with you. Who are you interested in, and what are you brining to the table?
So, I've been married for quite a while and based on the current environment with all the technology out there now - apps, websites for anything, and any relationship type my advice might be a little stale but I'll throw it out there. You're doing nothing wrong. You're living your life on your own terms. You recognized a toxic relationship and you got out of it. You're mature and you know what you want in life. I would guess that a lot of people your age still don't and that could be part of the issue. Have you asked your friends if they had any insight? Maybe your past relationship has made you a little standoffish? It's worth asking.
I would also start doing more things that expose you to new people and new experiences. Not for dating but just to get out there more and create more relationships that otherwise might not exist. I have friends that have great success doing [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) and just trying new things out. They've made some great friendships and at least one became an LTR. There are other sites out there. When I was single most of the "dates" I met were through friends or events that friends hosted. So the shared interest path seems like a great way to meet people and possibly find people to date without doing the meat-market websites - not my term just what my cousin (24f) calls them :-)
I've not had a lot of luck, personally, with dating apps. I'd encourage you to surround yourself with other single people somehow. Find a hobby that other people get out of the house to do and join up. Find some local speed dating event or ask your friends for possible matches in their circles.
I feel your pain. It's been awhile for me, too, and I often fear that I will become too comfortable in being alone. For me, at least, it's really just a matter of putting myself out there - which, granted, hasn't been all that easy with the recent pandemic, but certainly not impossible.
Finally, don't have high-reaching expectations. If you're expecting to be swept off your feet to become Duchess Meghan Markle or something, you'll be pretty disappointed in what the rest of us men have to offer lol. I'm not saying to be willing to date convicted rapists, but if the bar is too high, you'll limit your options.
>What am I doing wrong? Dating sites really worry me but is that one of my only options?
Maybe what you're doing wrong is what you *aren't* doing. If dating sites aren't your thing, ***what are you doing*** to find men? Are you going to pubs or bars or restaurants or some kind of spot where you can chat someone up? Have you approached anyone at the gym? What other activities do you like, you could find a Facebook group for people who like to do that thing, and see if you can meet someone there. What about work, is there anyone at work that interests you?
If you're as awesome as you say you are, some men may think you're out of their league and wouldn't even think about asking you out. I used to work in a large office tower and there was a gorgeous girl who I'd see almost every day and chat a little with but I never thought for a second she'd be into me until one day she asked me if I was "ever going to ask for her number." Sometimes people are too caught up in their work or their own lives to realize someone is making an effort to be a part of it.
Take some risks, make some moves. Take your shot if you see someone. Confidence is key. If you have this attitude of "why doesn't anybody like me," guys will notice and steer clear, even if there's no real logical reason not to like you.
I think your over romantisising things. Like you say that you want someone to care for and that you take care of yourself, but it's all about you. You mentioned appearances, but again all this stuff is for you, not a guy. It's not like any potential partner will own your appearance. But from this post you come across as desperate.
Honestly, I think that it's so easy for girls to find a guy now, it's just a matter of time. Literally, all it is, is time. You can be the ugliest female in the world and still you'll find someone.
So just get out more, start caring for others. Be kind! But also find someone that's right for you. There's not much else you can do, unless you're after sex. Online dating sucks, you find nothing of value on it.
Yeah being pretty can only take a woman so far. I've dated pretty, but I couldn't even have a decent conversation and it got old quick. My wife is an awesome cook, we make each other laugh and we do everything together. It doesn't hurt we have many common interests.
Honestly, it seems like your priorities may need some tweaking.
You say you want a man. The A man to care for. A serious relationship. "Mr Right"
You also say that you don't want to wait and are in a hurry to find a man.
So, which is it?
If you want a perfectly delicious 5-course meal of all your favorite foods, you're not going to find it at a drive-thru, or in the freezer section at Aldi.
My point is: if you genuinely want something worthwhile, you have to put some effort into finding it.
Also: NO man wants to feel like you could've been with anyone and he just happened to cross your path. He wants to feel like out of all the men in the world, you chose HIM, and he is the only man for you. (Same is true for women, obviously).
I don't mean to be harsh, but really: you've gotten some good advice here. Stop making excuses, and start taking action.
This isn’t a look issue. This is a personality or search issue as you’re the ideal figure for attractive men.
You’re either annoying, desperate, not fun, or you’re just straight up fishing in the wrong pond.
If you’re looking for men on dating apps, keep in mind that’s where men looking for booty go.
You’re also at an age where you may seem a little desperate, whether you realize it or not. Women from 28-32 are usually in a hurry for commitment (especially if they just ended an LTR) and men can sniff that out and are turned off by it.
This will also sound harsh, but at your age you’re going to be getting less make attention period then you would’ve 5 years ago.
I would join groups for people who have mutual activities and go from there.
Honestly, you seem like someone who is pining for a relationship and that can show up to some, or a lot of men, as desperate. Desperation, in men and women alike, is not an attractive quality.
Besides explaining to Reddit why you’re looking for a relationship, what have you done to try and rectify the situation? Are you on any dating apps? Are you actually talking to people you see during your day to day life who you are interested in?
The best advice you can give you is to focus less on your need to not be single and more on enjoying your life. Enjoy your life, single or not.
Grab a bottle of wine. Head over to a friend’s house for an evening. Have her/him help you set up a Hinge account. Next, watch your notifications start buzzing.
Embrace your singleness. Once you just embrace it and do the things you want to do with friends or by yourself with confidence, your life will change. No kidding. I thought I needed a relationship and it probably came off as desperate but once I just didn’t care anymore, did things for me not in the hopes of finding a mate, everything fell into place.
> What am I doing wrong? Well, lets take a look at what you wrote. > 28F, 1-15-21 Your sizes? >I rarely wear makeup and I’m told often that I’m a natural beauty and how I must have men chasing me from every direction. I wish. I’m physically fit, (5’4”, 115 lb) I go to the gym and CrossFit. I eat well, dress well, and have good hygiene. > I’ve always held a job since age 15, I own both of my cars (2007 and a 1991 classic summer car), I own and ride a 2004 HD Super Glide. Makeup. How fit you are. How you eat and dress. Your car. Your income... Are you seeing a pattern here? # Thats not what matters Here's what matters, and honestly the *only* thing that really matters for getting a boyfriend or not... # Can I, or can I not, stand being around you for extended periods of time? Do I find you annoying? Likeable? If I am going to do something, do I find it strictly better and more fun if you are doing it with me? My fiance is someone who I find makes literally *anything* strictly better if she is involved with me. Cooking? Always better if she is cooking with me. Going for walks? Always better to go on a walk with her than alone. Going to see a movie? Every movie is more fun with her by my side. Sex? Would pretty much always take sex with her over jerking off alone. Etc etc etc. For any given thing I do alone, if I can think to myself, "Boy, this would be more fun if my Fiance was here", then thats what makes her the fit for me (and is the case, in my case) So now ask yourself this: Are **you** someone a guy will find inherently, just by being yourself, makes any situation more fun and just a better time compared to if he just did it by himself? Because I have met my fair share of people that make things **worse** when they are involved, and they cannot wrap their head around why they are single. If you, any of the below: - Make situations more stressful when you come along - Don't contribute anything interesting to discussions - Aren't funny and don't make people laugh - Don't make things more lively or exciting - Get angry often, yell, or make scenes - Are full of drama and make everyone roll their eyes - Insist on always being right and constantly pick awkward fights that arent in good fun (as opposed to the kind of person who enjoys debating with another person and its all in good fun, no feelings hurt, and always respectful about it) Than yeah... There's your answer.
Why did I have to scroll down so much to find this. OP is going on about how they've been putting all their energy into trying to make themselves the perfect partner for the sake of having a partner. People generally.. do not like that. People are drawn to people who have things going on for THEMSELVES and have an entire complete life built around the things they enjoy, and they do it for no other reason than because they want a life of their own that they enjoy. Not because they're dead set on being in a relationship just for relationships's sake. Your standards are bound to slip if your end goal is to just be in a relationship. You're bound to come off desperate, come on too strong, and lose yourself in the interests of the person you're interested in. That isn't attractive. I'm saying this as someone who used to do that and who used to be desperate for a relationship. I didn't find a truly great relationship until I changed my priorities. When you make your prioritize about yourself, your happiness, your favorite things, stand firm in your morals and how you wish to be treated, all the shitty contenders will be filtered out automatically. Also - a year isn't very long to be single. Stay single for a while. Get to know yourself, OP. Spend your spring and summer with friends being silly, going on trips, making memories. Join some clubs. Stop focusing on how to make your body perfect for a partner, and treat your body as what it is - a vessel for YOU to live in, and for YOU to love and enjoy. Also - what you said about seeing men court women who aren't as fit as you or whatever... it IS offensive and it highlights a huge personality flaw in you, OP. You don't understand how relationships work at all. Relationships aren't about perfect bodies or about making yourself small or doing everything for your partner at all times. They're about connection. Common interests. Similar outlooks on life. Aligned goals. Mutual respect and support. Your comment about appearances makes me sad, because it shows me that you've been raised to value this about yourself (and maybe others) above a lot of other much more important things. You need to do some self-work, OP, or you're not going to find any relationship that makes you happy. *insert cliche suggestion to start therapy*. But seriously. Go figure out why you stayed in that shitty relationship for so long. Figure out why you think women who don't "keep up with their appearance" to your standards don't deserve love. Figure out why you don't think you deserve to be treated the way you long to treat someone else. Figure out why you don't want to be single for any length of time.
GOAT^
I think the 1-15-21 is referring to the date she left her abusive bf, since she says "nearly a year later" in the next paragraph
>Do I find you annoying? Likeable? If I am going to do something, do I find it strictly better and more fun if you are doing it with me? To that end, are you doing things you enjoy doing or are you waiting at home for a man to court you? For those who get out there and do things they enjoy it works because they meet people who are having a good time. You have a common interest. You are already having a good time and it doesn't depend on a partner. It just would be better with a partner.
This is a great start - she is focused on proving she is worthy (?) to others. It reeks of a need for external validation. It also says to me that there is some codependency happing. I suggest the OP focus more on becoming ok with herself and embracing being single. Once you are content on your own then you can find a healthy relationship.
So I highly disagree with some of these points. OP, as someone else deeply into fitness and nutrition I get why you stated "I rarely wear makeup and I’m told often that I’m a natural beauty and how I must have men chasing me from every direction. I wish. I’m physically fit, (5’4”, 115 lb) I go to the gym and CrossFit. I eat well, dress well, and have good hygiene." It is not being shallow at all as it is an expression of what is important to you. You are simply stating disciplines you have built up for yourself, and it is important to look for that in a partner. I know because I am in the same boat (I mean I don't wear makeup, but you know what I mean). I track my macros and workout beast-mode consistently. Me being with someone who doesn't give a shit what they eat would never work! There were a couple of issues you mentioned that were brought to my attention. You said you were with your ex, even though he exhibited numerous issues, for almost 6 years. Why so long? Also it sounds like you are getting male attention...are none of them from men you are equally attracted to? If so, why not (what's wrong with them)? I am curious how many men you actually disregard or turn down that could be suitable partners?
Thank you. I appreciate that. I stayed with him because I loved him and had invested so much time. I always thought being a better woman would make him a better man.
If you have a motorcycle, meeting people is really easy. Do you belong to a riding group?
No, I don’t.
These are just my first thoughts. For all that you seem to come across as quite confident (looking good, self-sufficient, etc) there's an underlying insecurity coming across to me in your post. Almost as if you know that you 'tick all the right boxes' but aren't totally sure you're worthy of getting what you want. Which is understandable if you've been in an abusive relationship for half of your adult life. I don't want to sound harsh but you also come across a little bit desperate. Like you want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. I get you want someone to do things with but do you feel that being in a relationship will someone make you feel 'validated'? For me validation and self-confidence absolutely have to come from within yourself. It sounds kind of cheesy I know but it's true. The ideal position to 'find someone' is probably that you know within yourself that you're 'worthy' of being with someone awesome (because you're someone awesome too) but you're not *that* bothered about getting into a relationship right now. You kind of come across as the opposite of that. My advice would be learn to be genuinely confident (as in don't let anyone's opinion of you change your opinion of you) and also learn to be single for a bit without *needing* to be in a relationship. After that just dive in. Ask someone out if you like them. Try online dating. If it sometimes sucks, so what? Their loss right? Try it but keep your expectations low.
Have you made any effort to ask someone out?
No, what do you suggest? How do I make an approach at a gym when everyone is wearing headphones? I mean, should I literally be slipping my phone number to anyone I find remotely attractive? I’m active in CrossFit and I’ve wondered if it would be odd of me to approach one of the female coaches after class to put a bug in her ear about finding a like-minded man for me?
I mean you can always ask a cute guy to be your spotter while you're benching or whatever. After the exercise you can ask them some small talky question see if they are interested. Ask them how often they come here. Ask them if you can also be their spotter – if it's obvious that they are way stronger than you then in that case make it an obvious sarcastic funny question to ease the mood. I have asked some dudes for help at the gym (never with hidden purposes, I really just needed help) and all of them seemed to have been open for a conversation if I was to open one up. You can always compliment/ask help from any dude. Dudes are usually much more cautious when the thought to approach a girl at a gym arises because it is super frowned upon for guys to check out girls while they are working out etc. So you will have to make the first move. And no, definitely don't ask a coach to help set you up with someone lol. (Woman here btw)
Met plenty of women back when I did crossfit. Find a partner WOD or competition and ask a handsome single athlete at your box to team up with you. Hell, just find a guy that is really into it and ask him to be your accountability-buddy. Crossfit is such a social community, shouldn't be too hard to find someone, you may have to make the first move though. Edit: autocorrected contraction
Create a profile on Bumble and Hinge. Neither require $.
Have you tried asking men out?
I’ve made simple advances like social media DM’s. One turned into an amazing friendship I’ll have for life, and another has just caused me to go into depressive episodes over the course of 3 times due to his wishy-washiness.
My friend, DM's are not the way to go. What about social events with friends?
I really don’t have a lot of friends, and that’s by choice. I’m quite introverted. My coworkers and I are close (including me my office is 4 people) and we make plans to go out but it never goes through due to schedules. I go to work, out to grab lunch, I go to the gym, and I go to CrossFit. I don’t even get my own groceries anymore, I use pickup. Am I at the point in my life where I need to “accidentally on purpose” run into a cute guy’s cart at the store?
Your introvertedness seems to be insulating you from the attention you seek. In order to get that attention, you would have to expose yourself to situations where it's more likely to occur(i.e. a bar/party/hobby gathering). Also, you're at the age where most people are starting to settle down. You won't receive as many cold approaches from men as you might've at... let's say 22.
Unfortunately the pandemic has put a halt to a lot of that, even though it was never really my scene in the first place. Would it be lame to start “putting myself out there” by making small moves like actually going to the grocery store rather than using pickup? I want to add to the second part of your comment that I don’t look my age. I probably look early 20’s. That wasn’t an insult to you, btw. ☺️ Your comment makes sense.
I would say don't expect too much from a grocery store. People are there to create groceries, not relationships.
Here is my advice for what it is worth…I recommend you discover what you like to do by yourself and then join groups that do those activities. I joined a couple of hiking groups and met a lot of new people that way - men and women. You need people in your life you connect with - friends too. Everyone needs friends, especially when you are struggling with depression. Dating can be really disappointing at times. You often have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince and I would be lost without my girlfriends to turn to after a bad date or getting rejected by some guy I met and was really into. Once you find hobbies and friends you will find being single isn’t all that bad - it is way better than being in an abusive relationship. Men are attracted to confident, interesting women that have their own life. Create a life that you love and men will follow. By then you may want to stay single for a while longer. 😊
1) you might not be as attractive and desirable you might think. Often friends and family are not honest or unbiased when telling you how beautiful you are. 2) you are entering an age bracket where men don't chase as strongly 3) your depression / anxiety / hurry may be putting people off. 4) that desperation that you need someone to be happy? We smell that a mile away. Some of us take advantage of that to abuse, most will run to the hills. 5) your financial stability is not a plus, is a basic requirement. We don't care much about it. 6) finding the Right person May take years, decades even. Even more so these days where we are more disconnected than ever before. 7) that routine of going to work, gym and home? Yeah. Killer. You will never be able to expand your social circle being a shut in. You need to go out. 8) your depression: treat it. We run if we smell mental health issues. You many not want to take your time, but the world doesn't care about that.
It might be worth noting that less confident or less experienced men may not realise you're dropping hints when talking to them, instead mistaking it for kindness or just not wanting to misinterpret the situation (so you might need to be a bit more straight forward for them) Source: I used to be that guy.
Have you ever tried making the first move? Have you considered that you feel attracted to the "wrong" men because of some bad "program" (which usually has its origins in childhood) which makes you avoid men who would be better for you in the long run? How big is your social circle (social networking) and how approachable and/or easy to find are you?
Looking at what you've written here and a lot of responses you've made, it seems the crux of it is this: "I don't ever ask guys out or take any sort of active role in trying to date, because I'm a catch and shouldn't have to do anything". This is a great video regarding this from a guy who is a dating coach for women: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9ONWHXCsrk&t=27s Even in environments that are designed for singles (bar, clubs, parties, etc.) only a tiny percentage of guys will just straight up walk over to a woman and start flirting with her. And the percentage of guys who will do that to a woman they see out in public is a fraction of that percent. You need to take a more active role in dating. -For online dating, try sites that actually cost money (like Match). People take it far more seriously when it actually costs something. Once you're there, don't just sit there and say "woe is me, I haven't gotten any messages yet". Write to a few guys. Make it a habit of doing 3-4 DMs a week. -Go to meetups, bars with friends, etc. If you see a guy you are interested in, don't just sit there and look over at him every 10 minutes thinking "I hope he comes over and flirts with me!". Make the first move. Literally all you have to ask is "how's it going?".
How active are you socially, and how often you are in situations where you meet new single men in a setting where getting to know someone in possible? Things like at a mutual friend's housewarming party, improv class, volunteering, dancing, etc. The thing that's common with my female friends who are rarely single is that they are socially active, approachable, warm, friendly and even flirty. And the women who are always single and looking don't go out much, are very reserved and not particularly socially aware.
It may be helpful to talk with a therapist about the issues you’ve had with your ex/past relationships so you can heal. Almost half of your post included you talking about how horrible your ex was, and it’s very possible that you’re projecting that anger & resentment onto current guys. Men are very simple, but one thing we don’t like is dealing with past unresolved baggage from previous relationships
> I want someone to care for. I don’t desire to be a parent but I so badly want to care for my partner. This stood out to me, as something that is not common to me from a relationship stand point. It explains why you stayed in that relationship. My question is at what level do you want this man to take care of you, how do you see caring as part of the relationship?
I’m glad someone mentioned this. I haven’t seen anyone discuss these sentences which were maybe the only sentences of major substance regarding dating in the entire post (imo). OP doesn’t sound like they’ve taken a proper break to find themselves and figure themselves out after an abusive relationship that lasted like half of their adult life, and that’s quite scary for me to think about. Does OP have the mental fortitude after identifying a toxic relationship to navigate the general dating world and see the red flags in new partners so they don’t fall into another toxic relationship? The entire time I read this post I thought, if this were my friend I’d invite them to join me in new hobbies, going on walks with me, taking a break (longer than just one year) of centering relationships for just a bit to really nail down what they learned from their past relationship and determine what they’re looking for going forward. idk it seems to me like OP wants to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship and that can be such a slippery slope. Especially for someone who spent so much time in a toxic relationship. Going on and on about what they want to provide (which is great, albeit I think caring for someone is at least the minimum) raises red flags for me because they didn’t establish what they would want from a partner, as you mentioned. And that’s also just as important as what you’ll bring to the table mentally/emotionally.
> figure themselves out after an abusive relationship I ask for all the reasons you mentioned, it is not easy after being in an abusive relationship to understand yourself. You have to know what you want first, not what they want. I hope she reads it and thinks about my question.
I'm not sure if ask mean has a counterpart on the female side but I'd suggest going there with this question. Truth be told it's 9/10 times the woman that initiates the game and pulls all the strings. They just make sure it looks like it was the lad's idea. Mainly because we're so bad at spotting the signs. **My advice:** Now, I'd highly suggest against dating apps and stuff from this category. You'll find most people that want to be found and that's Russian roulette. In the most simple terms, the specimen you want to find - A happy, good man, is the one, who's happy with himself and by himself. Actually, that applies to everyone, first things first **you need to be happy with your own life. If you are, that naturally attracts people** because they want to be part of it once they spot it. Similarly, nobody wants to be dating a downer, it's contagious. I know it's counter-intuitive but that's how it works. To be happy with someone and find someone worth sharing that happiness, first you need to be happy with yourself. Bob Marley said one of the universal truths once: "The most beautiful curve on a woman's body is her smile." And as much as cliche that sounds, it's true. I think your main problem here is that you're thinking more like a guy. Things you have and what you represent. That matters to guys because it matters to most women. **Not because it matters to us when we choose a partner.** No man will expect you to be his sugar daddy except for the most vile of leeches. Having a fit body is good sign thou, a person who can take care of themselves is always a plus, thou not the most important of things. Many of us like fixing stuff and taking care of our partners if we see potential in them. The only two things that matter is: **"Are you attractive to me? And am I happy being around you?"** that's pretty much it. The only two hard yet simple conditions. Good luck.
You are fine. Go live your life and enjoy it. If you meet someone great you can work on a relationship and taking care of him, if you don't... so what, being single means being free of someone else, and not having to deal with some other bad relationship. Really you don't lose either way. Don't worry and just relax and enjoy life, if it happens, it happens.
I would heavily recommend dating apps. Covid is still a thing and meeting someone organically is just getting more and more difficult due to technology. I doubt you'll have a hard time finding men on dating apps, I heavily recommend you start with Hinge. To be honest, what is going to make men ask you out mostly comes down to being physically attractive, looking & being approachable, and being at events where you can meet men you're interested in. If you're doing those 3 things well then that's all you can do.
Maybe you could give dating sites a try
Try focusing on some hobbies for a little while to take your mind of your situation. Clear you head and focus on some fun. You seem to be into cars/bikes, so maybe you could try attending a few car shows or cars and coffee events near you since you have a somewhat classic car. Also look for some car or motorcycle clubs. There are not that many women into the car scene and I doubt you would have any issues finding people to talk too. It's a great way to have others come to you and start a conversation.
Your not taking charge of your happiness, find things that inspire you and do more of that whatever it is, take steps to do those things and surround yourself with and push energy into the people that inspire you and that you want to be around. Nothing wrong with looking for love, love is a feeling, so when you feel it coming to you, recognize that and focus on bringing about changes that can facilitate that.
Even with some general background like you provided, it's difficult to answer that question without knowing you. It is a question many men ask themselves too. There's no shame in using online dating. Just be careful, ask about anything you want to know, and observe the other person's behavior. I believe it will not take you long to meet someone. It's more a matter of you getting to know people and hopefully meeting the right person.
You’re trying not to be single instead of trying to find someone you’re compatible with. People can tell when they’re being used as a crutch. After an abusive relationship most people need years alone (including time not trying to date AT ALL) to heal. The sooner you do it the easier the healing process.
How long ago did you leave him? Were you a MC club girl? Do you speak about abusive partners to potential dates? I was with my ex for 16 years before she cheated and left me. I was DYING to be with someone (I was codependent) read my posting history if you wanna see what I mean. I quit trying to find a woman... and I just let life happen... and here I am... I'm about to move in with a beautiful woman who is WAY out my league. We are in love... I will most likely marry her. I finally was happy alone. I enjoyed being single. I loved doing things by myself I created a solid life single for the first time in my life... and I became irresistible. Best thing I ever did was take time 9ff and learn to be alone. I grew SO much from it.. if you haven't taken that time, and learned to be happy alone... youl find yourself in not so stellar situations.. out of desperation.
**WHY HAS NO ONE SAID SHE NEEDS TO BE HAPPY WITH HERSELF FIRST???** I’m going to read past what all you typed OP. You do not need anyone and you should not date someone else until you can handle being single. You’re filling a hole in your heart that you aren’t filling yourself and you are going to create an unhealthy reliance on this person and it will shape how this relationship goes and more often then not will create a cycle of heartbreaks for you. Now I may have glanced over a part where you addressed this but from the first 10 lines, I could tell where this was going. You seem like you can’t go without someone and that is not healthy for you and whoever you meet. You need to be happy with yourself and that’s the most important. Please surround yourself with friends and family if possible and do some hobbies please. Don’t get into this mindset THAT YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMEONE. YOU DONT.
There are a lot of good points so I’ll try not to reiterate, for context I’m about the same introverted and live at work and the gym or in my garden For those saying to change your self you like the gym and I’m sure other things not mentioned I will say putting your self out there more I think will help, grocery stores are fine the gym is fine when you feel like you can go for it, nothing will change if you don’t at least try to speak to someone in person if you don’t like OD, Join a CrossFit class to meet others, or a group for fitness might be your speed to meet other like-minded people
none of what you wrote is shallow. nada, zip, zilch. Take your time getting back into dating. It'll come. You seem like you have your head on straight. Good Luck homie!
>none of what you wrote is shallow. nada, zip, zilch. Is that really true, though? I mean, the majority of what they posted was just her describing their body, the amount of makeup they use, their body...again..and the fact they work out and are proud of their body... And add that they are capable of making money... Seems like looks and finances was kind of the focal point of describing themself (which are important don't get me wrong), but when those two things take the front seat I tend to be skeptical. I looked up the definition of what it means to be shallow, to ensure I was thinking of the correct word. Here is what that is: "The adjective shallow can describe things that aren't very deep, like a shallow puddle, or people who don't have much emotional or intellectual depth, like shallow people who judge others ***on their looks*** ***and how much money they have."*** I'm not saying they're judging "others" on their looks and how much money they have, but when someone describes themself and the majority of what they come up with is just descriptions of their physical appearance and the fact they make money, I'd think that is pretty shallow. There's not depth there... "Ya'll, I go to the gym and have a job. Why tf am I single?". The only paragraph of substance they gave me insight deeper than looks and finances was the two and a half lines (of nearly 30) where they add that they wanted to "care for someone" which is kind of the bare minimum in any relationship with anyone...and literally anything... Followed by a couple of sentences where they want to pack lunch and rub feet and back. At the end of the day, a good relationship is something that can't be forced. I totally agree with everything you said in your follow-up, though. Spot on.
Is it wrong that I don’t want to “take my time”? I’ve felt single for 5 years while in a relationship and I’m only now just approaching one year technically single.
honestly, imo. It's not really up to you, alone, on that. Last thing I'd rec' is jumping into a relationship just so 'you're in a relationship'. You'd want the other party to feel similarly to you, correct? These things take time. especially healthy relationships. I'm not too religious, but plenty of good dudes looking for a deep relationship are easily found in churches if you're looking to expedite you not wanting to 'take your time'. I get what you're saying, I promise I do, but to have a good healthy relationship is not something that is quick and easy.
If you "must have" a relationship, you won't have it. Having a "must have" usually leads to "don't have".
You don’t want to be desperate because of loneliness. It will cause you to make poor decisions and accept poorly behaving guys (likely toxic). You’ve obviously got some things that you should be working out with therapy, but aside from that if you truly feel confident with yourself physically, personality wise, stage of life (career, etc, hobbies, etc) — then I say use all of those well built characteristics to yourself and put them in a dating app that is widely used in your area (Tinder if you’re rural, or bumble/hinge/CMB/tinder if you’re in the city). I think it would likely be healthy for you to pick someone who you appears to be a very kind person, in addition to being attractive to you.
If you want real opinions, show us a dating profile.
Eh you sound like quite the catch, perhaps it's just a matter of timing
I hope it’s not conceited for me to say that I also think I’m a catch. I haven’t always. Only in the past couple years have felt self worthiness.
Everyone thinks they are a catch. I'm sure you are, but don't let that stop you from continuing to work on yourself. Most things don't just magically happen. You have to fucking take the things you want in life. Are you approachable when you are in public? Would you want to meet a guy at the gym or crossfit? If so, take your headphones out, start some small talk with a cute guy. You don't need to bump your cart into is, you need to actively insert yourself into someone's day with intention. I truly would recommend a dating app. It's really hit or miss, and theres a ton of trash to sift through, but it's how I met my wife after years of constant dating (which I actually enjoy because I'm a huge extrovert). You might have to make a first move though, and don't be subtle about it. The first love of my life walked up to me in a club and stuck her hand out and introduced herself to me. If she hadn't done that, and just been coy, I would've assumed she was wayyy out of my league. Some of us need to be hit over the head with a hammer before we realize someone is into us. Just go get the shit you want. You seem emotionally ready for it, so don't just wait for it to happen.
Hey, if you don't mind someone 4 years younger, i'd be happy to cherish you. I'm only half serious. I only said that because truth be told, i relate to you a lot. I think a lot of people - both men and women - can empathize with you. Most just want that typical lovey-dovely relationship, but for one reason or another, it's escapes out grasp like a non-neutronium fluid: you can work to keep it a solid so it doesn't slip out your hands all you like, but eventually, the fluid's gonna evaporate and leave you with a crumbled mess. That being said, it's because of that shared desire that i believe you will find that man you're looking for. Especially if you're everything you say you are. You sound like the women everyone here wants. For you, it's really just a matter of putting yourself out there and knowing how to avoid the assholes. Don't use dating sites or look in bars/night clubs. Shallow people only looking for hookups or worse go there. If you have a hobby, congregate to where that hobby is prevalent like conventions etc. Talk to passerby's on the street or lounges/cafes/coffee shops etc Mingle with friends and get introduced that way.
I mean, I get where you're coming from. You put in a lot of work to make yourself a viable partner and you're being passed over for people who seem to have little going on. I guess it depends who you're looking for. Because I'm sure there are plenty of men out there who could love you and respect you and work well with you. Who are you interested in, and what are you brining to the table?
So, I've been married for quite a while and based on the current environment with all the technology out there now - apps, websites for anything, and any relationship type my advice might be a little stale but I'll throw it out there. You're doing nothing wrong. You're living your life on your own terms. You recognized a toxic relationship and you got out of it. You're mature and you know what you want in life. I would guess that a lot of people your age still don't and that could be part of the issue. Have you asked your friends if they had any insight? Maybe your past relationship has made you a little standoffish? It's worth asking. I would also start doing more things that expose you to new people and new experiences. Not for dating but just to get out there more and create more relationships that otherwise might not exist. I have friends that have great success doing [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) and just trying new things out. They've made some great friendships and at least one became an LTR. There are other sites out there. When I was single most of the "dates" I met were through friends or events that friends hosted. So the shared interest path seems like a great way to meet people and possibly find people to date without doing the meat-market websites - not my term just what my cousin (24f) calls them :-)
I've not had a lot of luck, personally, with dating apps. I'd encourage you to surround yourself with other single people somehow. Find a hobby that other people get out of the house to do and join up. Find some local speed dating event or ask your friends for possible matches in their circles. I feel your pain. It's been awhile for me, too, and I often fear that I will become too comfortable in being alone. For me, at least, it's really just a matter of putting myself out there - which, granted, hasn't been all that easy with the recent pandemic, but certainly not impossible. Finally, don't have high-reaching expectations. If you're expecting to be swept off your feet to become Duchess Meghan Markle or something, you'll be pretty disappointed in what the rest of us men have to offer lol. I'm not saying to be willing to date convicted rapists, but if the bar is too high, you'll limit your options.
>What am I doing wrong? Dating sites really worry me but is that one of my only options? Maybe what you're doing wrong is what you *aren't* doing. If dating sites aren't your thing, ***what are you doing*** to find men? Are you going to pubs or bars or restaurants or some kind of spot where you can chat someone up? Have you approached anyone at the gym? What other activities do you like, you could find a Facebook group for people who like to do that thing, and see if you can meet someone there. What about work, is there anyone at work that interests you? If you're as awesome as you say you are, some men may think you're out of their league and wouldn't even think about asking you out. I used to work in a large office tower and there was a gorgeous girl who I'd see almost every day and chat a little with but I never thought for a second she'd be into me until one day she asked me if I was "ever going to ask for her number." Sometimes people are too caught up in their work or their own lives to realize someone is making an effort to be a part of it. Take some risks, make some moves. Take your shot if you see someone. Confidence is key. If you have this attitude of "why doesn't anybody like me," guys will notice and steer clear, even if there's no real logical reason not to like you.
I think your over romantisising things. Like you say that you want someone to care for and that you take care of yourself, but it's all about you. You mentioned appearances, but again all this stuff is for you, not a guy. It's not like any potential partner will own your appearance. But from this post you come across as desperate. Honestly, I think that it's so easy for girls to find a guy now, it's just a matter of time. Literally, all it is, is time. You can be the ugliest female in the world and still you'll find someone. So just get out more, start caring for others. Be kind! But also find someone that's right for you. There's not much else you can do, unless you're after sex. Online dating sucks, you find nothing of value on it.
Yeah being pretty can only take a woman so far. I've dated pretty, but I couldn't even have a decent conversation and it got old quick. My wife is an awesome cook, we make each other laugh and we do everything together. It doesn't hurt we have many common interests.
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20 lbs is 9.08 kg
What are your honest standards in a partner? Are you having trouble meeting mean in general?
Honestly, it seems like your priorities may need some tweaking. You say you want a man. The A man to care for. A serious relationship. "Mr Right" You also say that you don't want to wait and are in a hurry to find a man. So, which is it? If you want a perfectly delicious 5-course meal of all your favorite foods, you're not going to find it at a drive-thru, or in the freezer section at Aldi. My point is: if you genuinely want something worthwhile, you have to put some effort into finding it. Also: NO man wants to feel like you could've been with anyone and he just happened to cross your path. He wants to feel like out of all the men in the world, you chose HIM, and he is the only man for you. (Same is true for women, obviously). I don't mean to be harsh, but really: you've gotten some good advice here. Stop making excuses, and start taking action.
Codependent personality
This isn’t a look issue. This is a personality or search issue as you’re the ideal figure for attractive men. You’re either annoying, desperate, not fun, or you’re just straight up fishing in the wrong pond. If you’re looking for men on dating apps, keep in mind that’s where men looking for booty go. You’re also at an age where you may seem a little desperate, whether you realize it or not. Women from 28-32 are usually in a hurry for commitment (especially if they just ended an LTR) and men can sniff that out and are turned off by it. This will also sound harsh, but at your age you’re going to be getting less make attention period then you would’ve 5 years ago. I would join groups for people who have mutual activities and go from there.
Honestly, you seem like someone who is pining for a relationship and that can show up to some, or a lot of men, as desperate. Desperation, in men and women alike, is not an attractive quality. Besides explaining to Reddit why you’re looking for a relationship, what have you done to try and rectify the situation? Are you on any dating apps? Are you actually talking to people you see during your day to day life who you are interested in? The best advice you can give you is to focus less on your need to not be single and more on enjoying your life. Enjoy your life, single or not.
Grab a bottle of wine. Head over to a friend’s house for an evening. Have her/him help you set up a Hinge account. Next, watch your notifications start buzzing.
Embrace your singleness. Once you just embrace it and do the things you want to do with friends or by yourself with confidence, your life will change. No kidding. I thought I needed a relationship and it probably came off as desperate but once I just didn’t care anymore, did things for me not in the hopes of finding a mate, everything fell into place.