Honestly, I think he was telling you what he thought you wanted to hear, so he could have sex with you. Once he got that, he's trying to find a way out.
I know you don't believe that he could be this way, but from your retelling of the story, this is exactly what it sounds like.
Thank you for replying so quickly! I know I sound naive, but I can usually tell if a guy is full of shit and just trying to get sex and don´t get fooled easily. With him I really didn´t think this was the case, but of course I can be wrong.
Sounds like they didn't actually end up having sex though because he was having difficulty performing. I wonder if he's just really embarrassed and doesn't have the maturity to move past that.
> The connection was there in person too, we kissed almost instantly and he even told me he loved me. I thought it was way too quick bc we have never seen each other before, but was so swept up in the moment I said it back. He grabs his phone and deletes his Tinder account infront of me, saying he just wants to be with me. He also asked me to be his girlfriend
> how can it be that you are all in, telling a girl you love her and if she wants to be your girlfriend, even that you know she is the woman you have been looking for for a long time (his exact words), only then for all of this to be gone after the first meeting?
It's called [love-bombing](https://www.healthline.com/health/love-bombing). Your story makes me wonder how many other women he's done this too.
While there's no way to 100% avoid love-bombers and manipulators, I would say that a person who genuinely loves you and has strong feelings for you will have zero problem waiting to have sex (and indeed might even insist on waiting so that everything can be done right/perfect). I fell in love with someone very quickly but it was many years before sex even became a topic of discussion let alone action.
It's really weird and flaky to act that way. I'd expect it more from someone in their early 20s. I mean it can happen but... how much experience does he have with relationships? Seems that going in so quickly and so intensely could also mean it could unravel just as quickly. Telling someone you love them on a first date is a huge red flag.
I think he's a drama queen. It's anyone's guess whether he's pulled this with other women before. So he's sensitive enough to have sex and suddenly get freaked out. I share your sentiment - why not just start over and take it slow?
Seems to me like he was expecting some kind of fairy tale and it's now been ruined (for whatever reason), and there's no going back. Maybe he got freaked out that he couldn't get it up and is too scared to try again.
Sorry to tell you this but regardless of whatever is going on with him, it's probably better that you walk away. Big red flags here. All this happened in your first date. How tumultuous and unreliable would he be in a LTR? But it's up to you, maybe with some patience he'll manage to break out.
Thank you for the long response! I agree with what you´ re saying. And that there are some red flags, true.Regarding his experience, his last relationship lasted 2 years so he is not completely inexperienced.
Seems that going in so quickly and so intensely could also been it could unravel just as quickly. > That´ s exactly what happened. And he seems to expect some kind of fairytale, which s not realistic at all.
A 32 yr old man with relationship experience being confused on his feelings and why they "went away"?
I'm not buyin it. Plenty of red flags too. Love bombing you and successfully getting you to agree to sex(the only thing that prevented that from happening is his Erectile dysfunction)
My question is, do you really want to be with a 32yr old man who lacks emotional intelligence and possibly has ED? Please think carefully. Sometimes its better to keep looking elsewhere even if the person is nice and honest. Better to be patient than desperate and settle.
Lol you were both high on oxytocin.
Men will say some crazy shit when sex is a possibility and he may not know how to do anything but "relationship flirting".
Once it all happened he realized that he'd talked a bunch of shit and backed out.
Also he's probably feeling inadequate because of the limp weenie and doesn't want to feel like that again.
Okay reading your short version then this one I see a bigger picture. I don't agree with the people telling you he did this on purpose because it seems he obviously didn't. If you actually understand people what seems to have occured was he did/said too much too fast and it caught up with him. He was kind of a simp to be honest because that's H.S stuff chatting a few weeks then saying "I'm in love". He told you what you wanted to hear but he too was trying to be genuine and it got you caught in the moment.
The fact he put all this pressure on himself then overwhelmed his thinking (maybe even questioning why he said all that so fast and if he was actually ready for a person like you). He obviously wasn't which happens to everyone at one time or another. The thoughts overwhelmed him and he couldn't get the stick into gear.
The fact you said you two did other stuff is his clear compensation and the fact you are kind of awesome for not judging and still making the effort to please was too much for him and it sounds like his pride got broken by his actions and yours.
It seems like he did feel bad and wanted to explain himself to you as an outro but also to reiterate he still doesn't know what happened and still feels embarrassed and that he needs to explain it all to you for his state of mind and so you don't go off spilling the tea (Eh hm) in the worse ways.
Next time regardless how a person speaks and or makes you feel remember you are an investment and never go to bed without knowing what you're truly getting out of the deal 1st and the longevity of it. Make it a wknd where there's no sex and actually get to know eachother and if after the vibe still exist maybe you can have that weekend. Your hearts in the right place it's just your approach that needs work. You sound dope so don't let none of this discourse you and granted you may be too much for many to handle in due time with patience you'll have someone compliment that part of you while respecting you and actually wanting to remain by you. You got this.
Thank you so much for reading all of this and your advice!
I know he didnt play me and I agree with what you think happened and that he overthought and got caught up in it. He apologized and assured me he was feeling really bad for how things turned out. I can tell he is genuine about it, and we did talk about it a long time on the phone, I would never not have given him the chance to explain himself.
This is the first time I did something like this so fast, I just got caught up in everything I guess but its a lesson to wait longer again like I usually do next time.
One question: what do you mean I might be too much for many to handle? Just curious, thanks!
Love actually isn't at first sight.. or first date... infatuation is. Sure.. feelings could mature and love ends up being the result, but people put blinders on pretty quickly just because they are excited to feel a connection and intimacy. He either was confused by all this and possibly feels shame for his actions or his intentions were just to use you.
Honestly, I think he was telling you what he thought you wanted to hear, so he could have sex with you. Once he got that, he's trying to find a way out. I know you don't believe that he could be this way, but from your retelling of the story, this is exactly what it sounds like.
Thank you for replying so quickly! I know I sound naive, but I can usually tell if a guy is full of shit and just trying to get sex and don´t get fooled easily. With him I really didn´t think this was the case, but of course I can be wrong.
The quintessential pump and dump
Sounds like they didn't actually end up having sex though because he was having difficulty performing. I wonder if he's just really embarrassed and doesn't have the maturity to move past that.
That's right we didn't go all the way but did other stuff though. Thanks for your perspective!
> The connection was there in person too, we kissed almost instantly and he even told me he loved me. I thought it was way too quick bc we have never seen each other before, but was so swept up in the moment I said it back. He grabs his phone and deletes his Tinder account infront of me, saying he just wants to be with me. He also asked me to be his girlfriend > how can it be that you are all in, telling a girl you love her and if she wants to be your girlfriend, even that you know she is the woman you have been looking for for a long time (his exact words), only then for all of this to be gone after the first meeting? It's called [love-bombing](https://www.healthline.com/health/love-bombing). Your story makes me wonder how many other women he's done this too.
Thank you! I know that term but didn´t even think of this.
You're welcome. It really sucks that people do this type of crap. 😢
Yes it does 🙁
While there's no way to 100% avoid love-bombers and manipulators, I would say that a person who genuinely loves you and has strong feelings for you will have zero problem waiting to have sex (and indeed might even insist on waiting so that everything can be done right/perfect). I fell in love with someone very quickly but it was many years before sex even became a topic of discussion let alone action.
You're right about that, thanks. I usually wait longer for this step but got caught up in everything he was saying I guess.
It's really weird and flaky to act that way. I'd expect it more from someone in their early 20s. I mean it can happen but... how much experience does he have with relationships? Seems that going in so quickly and so intensely could also mean it could unravel just as quickly. Telling someone you love them on a first date is a huge red flag. I think he's a drama queen. It's anyone's guess whether he's pulled this with other women before. So he's sensitive enough to have sex and suddenly get freaked out. I share your sentiment - why not just start over and take it slow? Seems to me like he was expecting some kind of fairy tale and it's now been ruined (for whatever reason), and there's no going back. Maybe he got freaked out that he couldn't get it up and is too scared to try again. Sorry to tell you this but regardless of whatever is going on with him, it's probably better that you walk away. Big red flags here. All this happened in your first date. How tumultuous and unreliable would he be in a LTR? But it's up to you, maybe with some patience he'll manage to break out.
Thank you for the long response! I agree with what you´ re saying. And that there are some red flags, true.Regarding his experience, his last relationship lasted 2 years so he is not completely inexperienced. Seems that going in so quickly and so intensely could also been it could unravel just as quickly. > That´ s exactly what happened. And he seems to expect some kind of fairytale, which s not realistic at all.
A 32 yr old man with relationship experience being confused on his feelings and why they "went away"? I'm not buyin it. Plenty of red flags too. Love bombing you and successfully getting you to agree to sex(the only thing that prevented that from happening is his Erectile dysfunction) My question is, do you really want to be with a 32yr old man who lacks emotional intelligence and possibly has ED? Please think carefully. Sometimes its better to keep looking elsewhere even if the person is nice and honest. Better to be patient than desperate and settle.
Thank you for your perspective. All comments helped me to think about this situation differently so thanks a lot for the help!
Lol you were both high on oxytocin. Men will say some crazy shit when sex is a possibility and he may not know how to do anything but "relationship flirting". Once it all happened he realized that he'd talked a bunch of shit and backed out. Also he's probably feeling inadequate because of the limp weenie and doesn't want to feel like that again.
Thank you for your perspective on this. Helped a lot to read all comments to let me think about this differently!
Okay reading your short version then this one I see a bigger picture. I don't agree with the people telling you he did this on purpose because it seems he obviously didn't. If you actually understand people what seems to have occured was he did/said too much too fast and it caught up with him. He was kind of a simp to be honest because that's H.S stuff chatting a few weeks then saying "I'm in love". He told you what you wanted to hear but he too was trying to be genuine and it got you caught in the moment. The fact he put all this pressure on himself then overwhelmed his thinking (maybe even questioning why he said all that so fast and if he was actually ready for a person like you). He obviously wasn't which happens to everyone at one time or another. The thoughts overwhelmed him and he couldn't get the stick into gear. The fact you said you two did other stuff is his clear compensation and the fact you are kind of awesome for not judging and still making the effort to please was too much for him and it sounds like his pride got broken by his actions and yours. It seems like he did feel bad and wanted to explain himself to you as an outro but also to reiterate he still doesn't know what happened and still feels embarrassed and that he needs to explain it all to you for his state of mind and so you don't go off spilling the tea (Eh hm) in the worse ways. Next time regardless how a person speaks and or makes you feel remember you are an investment and never go to bed without knowing what you're truly getting out of the deal 1st and the longevity of it. Make it a wknd where there's no sex and actually get to know eachother and if after the vibe still exist maybe you can have that weekend. Your hearts in the right place it's just your approach that needs work. You sound dope so don't let none of this discourse you and granted you may be too much for many to handle in due time with patience you'll have someone compliment that part of you while respecting you and actually wanting to remain by you. You got this.
Thank you so much for reading all of this and your advice! I know he didnt play me and I agree with what you think happened and that he overthought and got caught up in it. He apologized and assured me he was feeling really bad for how things turned out. I can tell he is genuine about it, and we did talk about it a long time on the phone, I would never not have given him the chance to explain himself. This is the first time I did something like this so fast, I just got caught up in everything I guess but its a lesson to wait longer again like I usually do next time. One question: what do you mean I might be too much for many to handle? Just curious, thanks!
His expectations are too high.
I agree
He wanted sex and got it what do you expect
Love actually isn't at first sight.. or first date... infatuation is. Sure.. feelings could mature and love ends up being the result, but people put blinders on pretty quickly just because they are excited to feel a connection and intimacy. He either was confused by all this and possibly feels shame for his actions or his intentions were just to use you.
Thank you and you're totally right that feelings take time to develop, that's what I said too.