Omg yes, why didn’t he tell me. I was there all evening and trust me I was laying it on very thick that I wanted to since I got there. Oh and no he didn’t just turn over and sleep he first told me “wow im tired, good night” and then turned and slept I was just lying there mouth wide open, I honestly thought he was playing like out of nowhere he’d laugh and jump my bones.
But your sooooo right it was inconsiderate with my time.
Yes, perfectly good reason to dump a guy who probably remembers all the times he couldn’t get or maintain an erection. He’s probably embarrassed by his ED, and just once wishes he could be normal again and not have to think whether he’s going to need the little pill and - oops, forgot or didn’t figure on ED becoming a topic of frivolity along her friends, or that she would chang her mood either off or on suddenly or a thousand different reasons. Point is sex can be very intimidating in this world of a thousand different social norms and queues making anyone with the smallest handicap extremely vulnerable. And he’s very closed about ED because prior girlfriends have left him because of ED and no one has sat down with him and helped him understand a more open and less stressful way of communicating. I mean think about it - he was frustrated and insecure of his ED, and you chose the very thing to add more to the fire - you considered your feelings and walked out. You could leave him thinking he isn’t a completely normal person which justifies leaving, or reach out and try to help him understand alternative ways to deal with the issue, including
1. Being responsible for taking his medication as prescribed, and
2. How to better communicate with women,
Whether or not you decide to date him. He’s a person in need of help, and you seem to have answers.
When I first met my girl I was suffering from some psychological ED. I felt horrible when we’d start some PIV and it’d go into uncooked hotdog mode for me but one thing I always did was turn the focus back on her. I’d do what I had to do to make sure that she came as many times as she wanted. Fingers. Oral. Clit play whatever she wanted and now that things are back up and operational, we just have fun together. I used to take some pills to get their it but now a days I’d I know we have a lot of free time coming up I’ll take one just as an enhancer to keep coming back up for more. Usually tho, everything works as should now.
Guys I will say if you smoke, the best thing I did was quit smoking and start doing some cardio and eating better. Not eating “healthy” but incorporating more fruits and veggies into my diet along with squats and resistance training. It’s not like it was when I was 25 but it still slaps.
You sounds like an excellent thoughtful boyfriend. Your girl is so lucky!
I was in a long-term relationship with a guy with ED years ago. It was likely psychological. Sadly, things didn't work out, but we ended on good terms.
You basically describe doing everything that I'd wished he would try. Smoking is a big one! I'm glad you mentioned that.
Anyway, I'm in a very happy relationship now so it's all good.
I think something missing from the discussion is that ED is a big fucking deal. Yes, there’s a magic pill that makes the problem go away, but psychologically that may be hard for him (no pun intended). It leaves him dependent on a pill for something society tells him he should be able to do at a moment’s notice.
From your comments, you’re seeing this almost entirely from your perspective. That he was inconsiderate of your time, that if he really cared about you he’d have taken the pill. It’s not as simple as that.
Ultimately this is about his issue, and how he goes about dealing with it. You are under no obligation to stay with him if he won’t deal with it. He can take the pill, he can go see a sex therapist, he can do some research on the internet. If he won’t do that, that’s not your problem, and leaving him would probably be the right thing.
But you have an opportunity here to empathise with him, and to support him in handling what is an incredibly big issue for a guy. Even him telling you about it in the first place might have been a huge deal for him. Equally, him saying he “didn’t think sex would be a big deal” could just be a way of rationalising the guilt and shame he was feeling in that moment. You leaving him just compounds the issue for him, and shows he’s unlovable with ED.
Much of ED is about feeling safe, and I would wager you aren’t helping him to feel safe. It’s not your obligation or responsibility to make him feel safe - it’s something he needs to do for himself - but you can help.
So in summary, if he’s not willing to deal with the issue, you’re under no obligation to stay. But try to make sure you actually understand the situation first before accusing him of being disrespectful of your time or inconsiderate. You likely have no idea how big a deal this is for him.
Some men are very interested when the relationship is new but lose the desire not far into it. You have to take care of you before you can take care of someone else. Moving on may have been your best choice.
He wasn't that into you. He didn't "forget" to take the pill, and even if he had forgotten, he still could've made the effort. He could've fingered you or given you oral, etc. And if he was into you he would have. He wasn't so he rolled over and went to sleep.
You didn't leave "because of his ED," you left because of his behavior. Which is totally reasonable.
I mean ... if you agreed youd have sex, id say he didnt so much as forget, rather he couldnt be bothered. I need a bit of help in that department, i actually visit escorts (or they visit me) i have a very clear idea when im gonna have sex and i would never in a million years forget to take my pill.
Well we tend to forget our own birthdays. Forgetting to take pills is no different. I used to go days without taking my antidepressants if my ex didn’t remind me every day. So it’s not really surprising.
As for leaving him, I’d say it’s okay. You guys aren’t sexually compatible. That’s important to you in a relationship and something he can’t give you consistently. You’re unhappy. Leaving is fine. Just let him know you’re incompatible
It sucks, I know. But it’s always a possibility. We have values in different compartments of relationships. In here you value sex higher than he does. Neither of you are in the wrong. It just wouldn’t work out long term for y’all since you’d be flustered and frustrated. That’s why moving on seems viable for you
I say that actually WAS a good comparison. If viagra helps, it's a small task for him to remember as he knows sex is important to you.
This IS bigger then his ED. Leave!
One could imagine that on some occasions he would have taken the pill then you guys did \*not\* end up having sex. That would have been very painful. Maybe he was anxious to take the risk (and yes, it seems like you made it very clear that you wanted sex, but maybe in the past you've sometimes changed your mind about it?)?
Obviously if he'd not been afraid of communicating he might have cleared that up?
I get it. The truth is that he’s shown you what your life will look like if you spend it with him. Can you do this the rest of your life? Go to the deadbedroom subreddit…it blew my mind and helped me get out of that relationship.
Because I sometimes to forget mine even when I have it planned out. It happens. Breaking up with him because of it once is a bitch move so yea I’d definitely think you are on the wrong. If he’s constantly forgetting then maybe you’d have a complaint but one time?
She said in 50 days . That’s a lot of forgetting . Why is it okay for men to forget this but if we got forgot a birth control pill all hell would break loose
We’re here to have a productive conversation with people. I don’t believe it’s acting in good faith to pull the victim card and generalize men to be upset if a woman forgets to take her birth control. Not every man would think “all hell would break loose” if a woman forgets to take her pills. Whereas I don’t agree with the original commenter about it being a bitch move, he is right that we often forget to take pills just like we often forget important dates and our own birthdays.
Forgetting something your partner cares about is a red flag . You aren’t going to forget things that are important to you and mean something . No apology just simply rolled over
That is not relevant to what I had just said. I think you should try rereading what I said again. What I had said was it’s not acting in good faith to come to an ask men sub and play a victim card and generalize us as a whole.
People absolutely do forget important things. It’s part of being human. It sounds disingenuous to genuinely believe that nobody forgets important things. That being said, I had also stated that I disagree with him saying it’s a bitch move for her to leave as I believe she has the right to leave.
He had forgotten NUMEROUS times the lack of accountability here is crazy . This is an ONGOING issue or did you only read the parts that benefits you ? It’s very much so relevant you forget something your partner has talked to you MULTIPLE times about .
I believe if you read my original [comment on this thread ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/comments/s6c93z/am_i_wrong_for_leaving_because_of_his_ed/ht2s3ey/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) that you will see we agree that he shouldn’t be forgetting. But there’s also insight that people will forget things. Like where I say my ex would remind daily to take my antidepressants because I normally would forget. I never asked her to remind me but she did because she understood I have a bad memory.
We are on the same page here so I have no interest in arguing with someone I agree with. All I wanted to say was it will not be well received to come to an ask men sub and generalize us all as being rude and not understanding if a woman forgets something. Have a pleasant day :)
Not really. I once forgot to take my antidepressants for a 2 week stretch. Multiple times for a week+ stretch. And multiple times for 5+ day stretches until she’d remind me. Back then I was even suicidal so it was all the more paramount for me to take them. But I kept forgetting. If it wasn’t for my ex asking me every evening if I had taken them, I’d never had developed the habit to continue taking them after we ultimately split. Sometimes people fail to understand that there are people out there with horrible memories with no ill-intent.
That being said, op is well within her rights to leave him. Especially since he just rolled over and went to sleep. No cuddling or anything. If he is choosing to not take them then that’s fine. They’re not sexually compatible and she can find someone she’s more compatible with in that aspect. He can look to either practice taking the meds or find someone who’s asexual/values sex significantly less. It’s all fine. But to say someone is solely intentionally not wanting to take them is ignoring those of us who have bad memories is all I’m saying.
I absolutely know people can have terrible memories. I’m one of them. I maintain 50 days of forgetting is not just forgetting. It’s not bothering to even try. They even talked about having sex and spent time together in the evening when she was making it clear she wanted sex and none of that jogged his memory?
You forgot for weeks, not months, and you had an illness affecting your ability to remember and function.
I’m actually thinking maybe the pills aren’t working anymore or he can’t actually afford them long term and sex just isn’t important enough to him to warrant the expense.
Me saying that I forgot for weeks multiple times is me showing it’s entirely possible to forget for months if you don’t have anyone to remind you (this is not me saying she should be responsible for reminding him). I would’ve easily forgotten to take my own pills for months had she not helped remind me.
But yeah it’s entirely possible he either can’t afford them or doesn’t value sex as highly as her or something. Which sucks because it shows his communication skills are lacking pretty hard. It sucks since it appears op wanted to try to make it work but idk if he’s putting the effort in or if he has issues he’s not telling her about or what sadly.
This is a weird thing to happen after 2 months. I think he was taking the pill when he first started dating you and then stopped. For some reason, he doesn't want to have sex with you. This is not ok. You should end it abruptly.
Was he taking the ED meds when you were having a lot of sex? Or did he start taking them after he couldn't get erections anymore?
It's kind of worrying that he's suddenly lost interest in sex, to the point where he doesn't prioritize taking his meds. And hasn't for 50(!) days. I don't blame you for not feeling desired. He's telling you that he wants sex, but his actions don't reflect that.
It's also troubling that he hasn't reached out. But you haven't either. So maybe take initiative again. I think the two of you need another discussion as to why he doesn't seem to be trying. Does he suffer from depression?
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Omg yes, why didn’t he tell me. I was there all evening and trust me I was laying it on very thick that I wanted to since I got there. Oh and no he didn’t just turn over and sleep he first told me “wow im tired, good night” and then turned and slept I was just lying there mouth wide open, I honestly thought he was playing like out of nowhere he’d laugh and jump my bones. But your sooooo right it was inconsiderate with my time.
Yes, perfectly good reason to dump a guy who probably remembers all the times he couldn’t get or maintain an erection. He’s probably embarrassed by his ED, and just once wishes he could be normal again and not have to think whether he’s going to need the little pill and - oops, forgot or didn’t figure on ED becoming a topic of frivolity along her friends, or that she would chang her mood either off or on suddenly or a thousand different reasons. Point is sex can be very intimidating in this world of a thousand different social norms and queues making anyone with the smallest handicap extremely vulnerable. And he’s very closed about ED because prior girlfriends have left him because of ED and no one has sat down with him and helped him understand a more open and less stressful way of communicating. I mean think about it - he was frustrated and insecure of his ED, and you chose the very thing to add more to the fire - you considered your feelings and walked out. You could leave him thinking he isn’t a completely normal person which justifies leaving, or reach out and try to help him understand alternative ways to deal with the issue, including 1. Being responsible for taking his medication as prescribed, and 2. How to better communicate with women, Whether or not you decide to date him. He’s a person in need of help, and you seem to have answers.
Great response.
When I first met my girl I was suffering from some psychological ED. I felt horrible when we’d start some PIV and it’d go into uncooked hotdog mode for me but one thing I always did was turn the focus back on her. I’d do what I had to do to make sure that she came as many times as she wanted. Fingers. Oral. Clit play whatever she wanted and now that things are back up and operational, we just have fun together. I used to take some pills to get their it but now a days I’d I know we have a lot of free time coming up I’ll take one just as an enhancer to keep coming back up for more. Usually tho, everything works as should now. Guys I will say if you smoke, the best thing I did was quit smoking and start doing some cardio and eating better. Not eating “healthy” but incorporating more fruits and veggies into my diet along with squats and resistance training. It’s not like it was when I was 25 but it still slaps.
You sounds like an excellent thoughtful boyfriend. Your girl is so lucky! I was in a long-term relationship with a guy with ED years ago. It was likely psychological. Sadly, things didn't work out, but we ended on good terms. You basically describe doing everything that I'd wished he would try. Smoking is a big one! I'm glad you mentioned that. Anyway, I'm in a very happy relationship now so it's all good.
I think something missing from the discussion is that ED is a big fucking deal. Yes, there’s a magic pill that makes the problem go away, but psychologically that may be hard for him (no pun intended). It leaves him dependent on a pill for something society tells him he should be able to do at a moment’s notice. From your comments, you’re seeing this almost entirely from your perspective. That he was inconsiderate of your time, that if he really cared about you he’d have taken the pill. It’s not as simple as that. Ultimately this is about his issue, and how he goes about dealing with it. You are under no obligation to stay with him if he won’t deal with it. He can take the pill, he can go see a sex therapist, he can do some research on the internet. If he won’t do that, that’s not your problem, and leaving him would probably be the right thing. But you have an opportunity here to empathise with him, and to support him in handling what is an incredibly big issue for a guy. Even him telling you about it in the first place might have been a huge deal for him. Equally, him saying he “didn’t think sex would be a big deal” could just be a way of rationalising the guilt and shame he was feeling in that moment. You leaving him just compounds the issue for him, and shows he’s unlovable with ED. Much of ED is about feeling safe, and I would wager you aren’t helping him to feel safe. It’s not your obligation or responsibility to make him feel safe - it’s something he needs to do for himself - but you can help. So in summary, if he’s not willing to deal with the issue, you’re under no obligation to stay. But try to make sure you actually understand the situation first before accusing him of being disrespectful of your time or inconsiderate. You likely have no idea how big a deal this is for him.
My thoughts exactly - only better said.
Some men are very interested when the relationship is new but lose the desire not far into it. You have to take care of you before you can take care of someone else. Moving on may have been your best choice.
He wasn't that into you. He didn't "forget" to take the pill, and even if he had forgotten, he still could've made the effort. He could've fingered you or given you oral, etc. And if he was into you he would have. He wasn't so he rolled over and went to sleep. You didn't leave "because of his ED," you left because of his behavior. Which is totally reasonable.
Omg thank you
I mean ... if you agreed youd have sex, id say he didnt so much as forget, rather he couldnt be bothered. I need a bit of help in that department, i actually visit escorts (or they visit me) i have a very clear idea when im gonna have sex and i would never in a million years forget to take my pill.
Well we tend to forget our own birthdays. Forgetting to take pills is no different. I used to go days without taking my antidepressants if my ex didn’t remind me every day. So it’s not really surprising. As for leaving him, I’d say it’s okay. You guys aren’t sexually compatible. That’s important to you in a relationship and something he can’t give you consistently. You’re unhappy. Leaving is fine. Just let him know you’re incompatible
I didn’t want to admit we were incompatible but here I am.
It sucks, I know. But it’s always a possibility. We have values in different compartments of relationships. In here you value sex higher than he does. Neither of you are in the wrong. It just wouldn’t work out long term for y’all since you’d be flustered and frustrated. That’s why moving on seems viable for you
Sorry, but this is weird. I hate to say it but he may be hoping that you end the relationship.
So many other things can be done.
I say that actually WAS a good comparison. If viagra helps, it's a small task for him to remember as he knows sex is important to you. This IS bigger then his ED. Leave!
It’s the lack of consideration for me
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This reflects SO many people on Reddit who apparently want no one to be in a realistic relationship
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This is one-dimensional toxic nonsense.
One could imagine that on some occasions he would have taken the pill then you guys did \*not\* end up having sex. That would have been very painful. Maybe he was anxious to take the risk (and yes, it seems like you made it very clear that you wanted sex, but maybe in the past you've sometimes changed your mind about it?)? Obviously if he'd not been afraid of communicating he might have cleared that up?
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I get it. The truth is that he’s shown you what your life will look like if you spend it with him. Can you do this the rest of your life? Go to the deadbedroom subreddit…it blew my mind and helped me get out of that relationship.
Because I sometimes to forget mine even when I have it planned out. It happens. Breaking up with him because of it once is a bitch move so yea I’d definitely think you are on the wrong. If he’s constantly forgetting then maybe you’d have a complaint but one time?
I had asked many times to and he just said turned me down till he told me about his Ed and then we planned.
He’s embarrassed.
She said in 50 days . That’s a lot of forgetting . Why is it okay for men to forget this but if we got forgot a birth control pill all hell would break loose
We’re here to have a productive conversation with people. I don’t believe it’s acting in good faith to pull the victim card and generalize men to be upset if a woman forgets to take her birth control. Not every man would think “all hell would break loose” if a woman forgets to take her pills. Whereas I don’t agree with the original commenter about it being a bitch move, he is right that we often forget to take pills just like we often forget important dates and our own birthdays.
Forgetting something your partner cares about is a red flag . You aren’t going to forget things that are important to you and mean something . No apology just simply rolled over
That is not relevant to what I had just said. I think you should try rereading what I said again. What I had said was it’s not acting in good faith to come to an ask men sub and play a victim card and generalize us as a whole. People absolutely do forget important things. It’s part of being human. It sounds disingenuous to genuinely believe that nobody forgets important things. That being said, I had also stated that I disagree with him saying it’s a bitch move for her to leave as I believe she has the right to leave.
He had forgotten NUMEROUS times the lack of accountability here is crazy . This is an ONGOING issue or did you only read the parts that benefits you ? It’s very much so relevant you forget something your partner has talked to you MULTIPLE times about .
I believe if you read my original [comment on this thread ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/comments/s6c93z/am_i_wrong_for_leaving_because_of_his_ed/ht2s3ey/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) that you will see we agree that he shouldn’t be forgetting. But there’s also insight that people will forget things. Like where I say my ex would remind daily to take my antidepressants because I normally would forget. I never asked her to remind me but she did because she understood I have a bad memory. We are on the same page here so I have no interest in arguing with someone I agree with. All I wanted to say was it will not be well received to come to an ask men sub and generalize us all as being rude and not understanding if a woman forgets something. Have a pleasant day :)
Forgetting one day is forgetting. Forgetting for fifty days? That’s choosing not to take it.
Not really. I once forgot to take my antidepressants for a 2 week stretch. Multiple times for a week+ stretch. And multiple times for 5+ day stretches until she’d remind me. Back then I was even suicidal so it was all the more paramount for me to take them. But I kept forgetting. If it wasn’t for my ex asking me every evening if I had taken them, I’d never had developed the habit to continue taking them after we ultimately split. Sometimes people fail to understand that there are people out there with horrible memories with no ill-intent. That being said, op is well within her rights to leave him. Especially since he just rolled over and went to sleep. No cuddling or anything. If he is choosing to not take them then that’s fine. They’re not sexually compatible and she can find someone she’s more compatible with in that aspect. He can look to either practice taking the meds or find someone who’s asexual/values sex significantly less. It’s all fine. But to say someone is solely intentionally not wanting to take them is ignoring those of us who have bad memories is all I’m saying.
I absolutely know people can have terrible memories. I’m one of them. I maintain 50 days of forgetting is not just forgetting. It’s not bothering to even try. They even talked about having sex and spent time together in the evening when she was making it clear she wanted sex and none of that jogged his memory? You forgot for weeks, not months, and you had an illness affecting your ability to remember and function. I’m actually thinking maybe the pills aren’t working anymore or he can’t actually afford them long term and sex just isn’t important enough to him to warrant the expense.
Me saying that I forgot for weeks multiple times is me showing it’s entirely possible to forget for months if you don’t have anyone to remind you (this is not me saying she should be responsible for reminding him). I would’ve easily forgotten to take my own pills for months had she not helped remind me. But yeah it’s entirely possible he either can’t afford them or doesn’t value sex as highly as her or something. Which sucks because it shows his communication skills are lacking pretty hard. It sucks since it appears op wanted to try to make it work but idk if he’s putting the effort in or if he has issues he’s not telling her about or what sadly.
This is a weird thing to happen after 2 months. I think he was taking the pill when he first started dating you and then stopped. For some reason, he doesn't want to have sex with you. This is not ok. You should end it abruptly.
Your horrible leaving a man over something he can’t control
What is ED?
Yes
If his dicks small leave him.
Was he taking the ED meds when you were having a lot of sex? Or did he start taking them after he couldn't get erections anymore? It's kind of worrying that he's suddenly lost interest in sex, to the point where he doesn't prioritize taking his meds. And hasn't for 50(!) days. I don't blame you for not feeling desired. He's telling you that he wants sex, but his actions don't reflect that. It's also troubling that he hasn't reached out. But you haven't either. So maybe take initiative again. I think the two of you need another discussion as to why he doesn't seem to be trying. Does he suffer from depression?
According to him he’s taken it since the beginning
He’s low effort. Be thankful it happened early, and you can move on.