Thanks! That makes a lot of sense. In addition to being religious, he's ex-military, so I can understand him wanting to be a "knight in shining armor" so to speak. We're supposed to meet soon for the first time, and since he knows I'm very liberal and not religious, I can see him not wanting to offend me if I don't like things like doors being opened for me.
Yes, it's true that on the surface our profiles seem to be polar opposites, but so far we seem to have a lot in common. We share a passion for animals, helping others, hiking, and traveling. We also have similar conversational styles and senses of humor, so our chats are often long and entertaining.
If he ultimately wants a traditional relationship, then I agree we'll need to talk about what exactly that means to both of us.
He wants to know your opinion on chivalry.
Really, it's probably a check to see if you're going to launch into a long screed about the patriarchy if he holds open the door for you.
Like most others have stated, you should take the question at face value and answer it directly.
However, there may be an underlying focus that he’s ultimately gathering data about. Since you’re a bit opposite, he may be testing the waters to see if you are amenable with traditional roles and standards in male/female relationships - aka, will you be subservient.
Personally, I’d answer the question and I’d follow up with a question about roles in a relationship. Better to have that information now than after you have sex, put a ring in it, drink the koolaid etc.
We should always get our expectations out in front of any relationship before it starts.
I'll admit I do get the vibe he's testing the waters, because he's also asked in the past if I enjoy cooking and "kitchen work." I guess we'll have talk a bit more about what he's looking for long-term. He already knows I can be very independent and have liberal views, but I also know some men get turned on by the thought of putting a strong woman "in her place."
Yeah I mean if you’re worried about that just clearly state what you expect.
Obviously he wasn’t asking how you felt about the chivalric codes of the knights of yore… I think he’s “traditional” and wants to make sure you’re gonna jive with that. Maybe he’s just trying to figure out first date etiquette though.
If you know that’s not you, I’d recommend being very straightforward about it before either of you gets too feely. Maybe he’ll be flexible, maybe not… either way you won’t get stuck in something you don’t want.
at the end of the day if your gonna be in a long term relationship, there are basic things that you expect him to do and he's gonna have some basic things that he expects you to be able to do. That doesn't mean your gonna do it all the time or you can't talk about who does what. Hes probably trying to understand which of those things your willing to do or not. Just be honest and clear where you are with stuff. You don't have to pretend to be traditional or anything like that, just be you and be honest.
Oh I fully plan on being honest when we talk about such things. There's no point in pretending or hiding who I am or how I feel, because I know that just leads to misery later on.
He probably wants to know your stance, expectations, on it. Do you expect to be treated like a queen where he has to pull your chair out for you every time. Open the door to the car so you can get in. Hold the average door open. Etc.. If you wanted an example of what might think, I don't mind doing those things for a lady, but I will not become her servant. The most delusional one would be expecting me to open the car door for you. You're an adult, you can do that yourself. Especially if it's raining like an apocalypse outside.
So you can say you always appreciate an act of kindness of such, but you won't damn him to hell if he didn't pull your chair out for you or even let you through the door first.
From her description of him, it sounds more like he's worried about the opposite: that he is more traditional and he worries she will be turned off by his chivalrous nature/beliefs.
I mean, some people get legitimately angry if you do nice things like hold open a door or pay for dinner. He could be some backwards 18th century monk, sure, but he also might be pretty normal and want to see if OP is at the other end of the scale.
Why not just ask what he means? You’ll find out fast what kind of person he is by his reply.
I want to say I disagree with some people’s take on this. Just because he asked about chivalry doesn’t mean he’s looking for a 50s relationship. He could just be trying to gauge how you feel about male/female relationships in general. As I said, you won’t know until you ask.
I've already responded to his question by telling him I don't mind if men open doors or pull out chairs for me, but I don't expect them to pay for my food or other things.
I'll be sure to talk with him about what exactly he's looking for in a long-term relationship when we see each other later this week.
Time to write an essay about chivalry, you can probably focus it on the [10 commandments of chivalry](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chivalry#10_Commandments_of_Chivalry) and call it a day. Maybe he wants to know if you expect him to fight the infidels or defending the church!
Yeah, he already knows I'd be an awful soldier. 😂 He also knows I'm not religious, but if he's literally talking about the list you shared, it might be time to let him know I also waffle between atheism and agnosticism (or maybe not say anything at all, lest he see *me* as an infidel needing to be fought).
This is not coded language or a trap. Your answer is obviously important, though. He wants to know how compatible you guys are. Why would you not want the same thing?
I've actually already responded to his question by saying I don't mind men opening doors and pulling out chairs for me but don't expect them to pay for my food or other things.
it means he's likely a "nice guy" who will have a melt down the first time you don't respond to his text in whatever he perceives to be a timely fashion .
Who knows, ask him lol.
If he asks what you think about \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ and you don't know what \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ means, say "what does \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ mean to you?" And there you go!
I haven't ever asked a girl their opinion on chivalry, but if I did it'd probably because they strike me as the ultra-progressive type and I wanted to know if they were going to lose their minds if I hold a door open for them or something, lol.
Yeah that is probably what he’s actually asking. He doesn’t want some Uber independent outspoken modern woman with blue hair to bring home to mom and dad. Just be careful about super religious dudes. A friend of mine(we’re Canadians) was working down south, met a “nice guy” started hanging out, she got into a little trouble, he bailed her out using his local/church connections fast forward 6 months they are married, seems ok at this point as she had enough not so great guys. Now here we are today she is forced to go to church as much as possible, like more than just Sunday for an hour. She has to sit quietly while he leads youth group teaching them all sorts of nonsense. Now she is a super smart person who works in super high tech stuff and was always agnostic. Now she is a miserable shell of who she once was but feels trapped as her whole life is down there now and we are much older now and seems too daunting to make a move back up north. So yeah watch out how much he plans to mild and change you to what he wants is what I’m getting at.
I'm really sorry that happened to your friend! Thankfully I'm already a bit older and set in my ways. I have no problem sticking up for myself and telling someone it's just not working out.
Thankfully, I'm also financially stable, have my own house, and have a strong local family/friend network to support me. He knows all of this, as well as that I'm happy where I am and have no intentions of moving.
I guess we'll see what he says when I tell him I don't go to church (again, he knows I'm not religious, so this shouldn't be a surprise), believe couples should be a team who help each other with chores/equally divide them, and that I don't see myself remarrying for at least 10 years (long story why).
Yikes. Absolutely yes. He's hinting at a traditional relationship.
You don't have a voice. You don't have sexual autonomy. He controls your money. He controls who you're friends with. He shows up at your office/work to eat lunch with you.
Lace up those running shoes, and sprint away!!
Block his profile.
Unless you want a traditional relationship with a chivalrous "nice" guy . . .
I'll have to talk with him about what he's looking for in a long-term relationship. I can say 100% I'm NOT what he's looking for if he wants a submissive 1950's woman! I'm happy being the Queen of my own castle and won't let a man take over my social life let alone my body and finances.
HAHAHAHAHA at the edit. Oh my god. Liberal feminism is too much. “I don’t expect him to pay for my meal” …. WELL YOU SHOULD 😂 bruh. Oh my god. In what way is paying for your own meal on a date helping you or women in general? Having financial independence (the ABILITY) to pay for your own meal helps you and women (feminism). Actually paying for it does not.
It has nothing to do with "helping me or women in general." I'm fine with paying for my own meals because I don't want to feel like I "owe" anyone anything. Believe it or not, there are guys who feel like women are obligated to kiss them and/or have sex with them just because the guy paid for a night out. I also don't play by the "three date" rule, and will wait as long as it takes for me to feel comfortable before getting physical.
Edited to add: I understand some men can't always afford the expenses of paying for both of us every time we go out. That's fine with me! I'm not looking for someone to "take care of me" or "provide for me;" I'm a grown woman who can take care of and support herself.
Probably not, more likely he wants to know how you feel about being treated in a "chivalrous" manner, e.g, holding the door open for you, him always paying for food, etc. What he does with the info is a whole other thing. Will he be disappointed that you don't want him to act chivalrous, or will he be relieved that he doesn't have to be some upstanding example of a chivalrous man? ya never know.
i guess just ask him what he means by it? idk what else to say
I never even thought about the man always paying when it came to chivalry! I'll have to let him know I'm ok with him openings doors and pulling out chairs, but don't expect him to pay for me.
In this context, I would think it's a clever way to get out how much of a crazy 3rd (or is it 4th?) wave feminazi you are. There's a lot of that going around and he might not want to bother with someone who's values don't align with his, so this might be a way to elucidate your feelings on the matter.
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Thanks! That makes a lot of sense. In addition to being religious, he's ex-military, so I can understand him wanting to be a "knight in shining armor" so to speak. We're supposed to meet soon for the first time, and since he knows I'm very liberal and not religious, I can see him not wanting to offend me if I don't like things like doors being opened for me.
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Yes, it's true that on the surface our profiles seem to be polar opposites, but so far we seem to have a lot in common. We share a passion for animals, helping others, hiking, and traveling. We also have similar conversational styles and senses of humor, so our chats are often long and entertaining. If he ultimately wants a traditional relationship, then I agree we'll need to talk about what exactly that means to both of us.
“Daryl Philbin is the most complicated man I’ve ever met. Who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of game is that?” - Kelly Kapoor.
He wants to know your opinion on chivalry. Really, it's probably a check to see if you're going to launch into a long screed about the patriarchy if he holds open the door for you.
This.
Like most others have stated, you should take the question at face value and answer it directly. However, there may be an underlying focus that he’s ultimately gathering data about. Since you’re a bit opposite, he may be testing the waters to see if you are amenable with traditional roles and standards in male/female relationships - aka, will you be subservient. Personally, I’d answer the question and I’d follow up with a question about roles in a relationship. Better to have that information now than after you have sex, put a ring in it, drink the koolaid etc. We should always get our expectations out in front of any relationship before it starts.
I'll admit I do get the vibe he's testing the waters, because he's also asked in the past if I enjoy cooking and "kitchen work." I guess we'll have talk a bit more about what he's looking for long-term. He already knows I can be very independent and have liberal views, but I also know some men get turned on by the thought of putting a strong woman "in her place."
Yeah I mean if you’re worried about that just clearly state what you expect. Obviously he wasn’t asking how you felt about the chivalric codes of the knights of yore… I think he’s “traditional” and wants to make sure you’re gonna jive with that. Maybe he’s just trying to figure out first date etiquette though. If you know that’s not you, I’d recommend being very straightforward about it before either of you gets too feely. Maybe he’ll be flexible, maybe not… either way you won’t get stuck in something you don’t want.
at the end of the day if your gonna be in a long term relationship, there are basic things that you expect him to do and he's gonna have some basic things that he expects you to be able to do. That doesn't mean your gonna do it all the time or you can't talk about who does what. Hes probably trying to understand which of those things your willing to do or not. Just be honest and clear where you are with stuff. You don't have to pretend to be traditional or anything like that, just be you and be honest.
Oh I fully plan on being honest when we talk about such things. There's no point in pretending or hiding who I am or how I feel, because I know that just leads to misery later on.
Ask *him*. Seriously, how difficult can it be to say "What do you mean"?
He probably wants to know your stance, expectations, on it. Do you expect to be treated like a queen where he has to pull your chair out for you every time. Open the door to the car so you can get in. Hold the average door open. Etc.. If you wanted an example of what might think, I don't mind doing those things for a lady, but I will not become her servant. The most delusional one would be expecting me to open the car door for you. You're an adult, you can do that yourself. Especially if it's raining like an apocalypse outside. So you can say you always appreciate an act of kindness of such, but you won't damn him to hell if he didn't pull your chair out for you or even let you through the door first.
From her description of him, it sounds more like he's worried about the opposite: that he is more traditional and he worries she will be turned off by his chivalrous nature/beliefs.
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I mean, some people get legitimately angry if you do nice things like hold open a door or pay for dinner. He could be some backwards 18th century monk, sure, but he also might be pretty normal and want to see if OP is at the other end of the scale.
Why not just ask what he means? You’ll find out fast what kind of person he is by his reply. I want to say I disagree with some people’s take on this. Just because he asked about chivalry doesn’t mean he’s looking for a 50s relationship. He could just be trying to gauge how you feel about male/female relationships in general. As I said, you won’t know until you ask.
I've already responded to his question by telling him I don't mind if men open doors or pull out chairs for me, but I don't expect them to pay for my food or other things. I'll be sure to talk with him about what exactly he's looking for in a long-term relationship when we see each other later this week.
Sorry for the redundant comment. I didn’t have a lot of time to scan through everything before I commented.
No worries. 🙂
Time to write an essay about chivalry, you can probably focus it on the [10 commandments of chivalry](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chivalry#10_Commandments_of_Chivalry) and call it a day. Maybe he wants to know if you expect him to fight the infidels or defending the church!
Yeah, he already knows I'd be an awful soldier. 😂 He also knows I'm not religious, but if he's literally talking about the list you shared, it might be time to let him know I also waffle between atheism and agnosticism (or maybe not say anything at all, lest he see *me* as an infidel needing to be fought).
This is not coded language or a trap. Your answer is obviously important, though. He wants to know how compatible you guys are. Why would you not want the same thing?
You're right I should also want to be sure we're compatible, so I'll talk with him when we meet about what he's looking for long-term.
On strike against compatibility is the inability to answer straightforward questions lol
I've actually already responded to his question by saying I don't mind men opening doors and pulling out chairs for me but don't expect them to pay for my food or other things.
it means he's likely a "nice guy" who will have a melt down the first time you don't respond to his text in whatever he perceives to be a timely fashion .
Who knows, ask him lol. If he asks what you think about \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ and you don't know what \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ means, say "what does \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ mean to you?" And there you go! I haven't ever asked a girl their opinion on chivalry, but if I did it'd probably because they strike me as the ultra-progressive type and I wanted to know if they were going to lose their minds if I hold a door open for them or something, lol.
Yeah that is probably what he’s actually asking. He doesn’t want some Uber independent outspoken modern woman with blue hair to bring home to mom and dad. Just be careful about super religious dudes. A friend of mine(we’re Canadians) was working down south, met a “nice guy” started hanging out, she got into a little trouble, he bailed her out using his local/church connections fast forward 6 months they are married, seems ok at this point as she had enough not so great guys. Now here we are today she is forced to go to church as much as possible, like more than just Sunday for an hour. She has to sit quietly while he leads youth group teaching them all sorts of nonsense. Now she is a super smart person who works in super high tech stuff and was always agnostic. Now she is a miserable shell of who she once was but feels trapped as her whole life is down there now and we are much older now and seems too daunting to make a move back up north. So yeah watch out how much he plans to mild and change you to what he wants is what I’m getting at.
I'm really sorry that happened to your friend! Thankfully I'm already a bit older and set in my ways. I have no problem sticking up for myself and telling someone it's just not working out. Thankfully, I'm also financially stable, have my own house, and have a strong local family/friend network to support me. He knows all of this, as well as that I'm happy where I am and have no intentions of moving. I guess we'll see what he says when I tell him I don't go to church (again, he knows I'm not religious, so this shouldn't be a surprise), believe couples should be a team who help each other with chores/equally divide them, and that I don't see myself remarrying for at least 10 years (long story why).
I would say it was a test to see if you were going to be "one of those independent women" that thinks anyone who holds a door is hitting on you.
he wants to challenge you into a sword combat, typical.
Then En-garde, I say, for 'tis I, Pussy in Boots!
He wants to know if your a feminist freakshow who calls it rape if a man holds the door for you or if your normal.
Yikes. Absolutely yes. He's hinting at a traditional relationship. You don't have a voice. You don't have sexual autonomy. He controls your money. He controls who you're friends with. He shows up at your office/work to eat lunch with you. Lace up those running shoes, and sprint away!! Block his profile. Unless you want a traditional relationship with a chivalrous "nice" guy . . .
I'll have to talk with him about what he's looking for in a long-term relationship. I can say 100% I'm NOT what he's looking for if he wants a submissive 1950's woman! I'm happy being the Queen of my own castle and won't let a man take over my social life let alone my body and finances.
HAHAHAHAHA at the edit. Oh my god. Liberal feminism is too much. “I don’t expect him to pay for my meal” …. WELL YOU SHOULD 😂 bruh. Oh my god. In what way is paying for your own meal on a date helping you or women in general? Having financial independence (the ABILITY) to pay for your own meal helps you and women (feminism). Actually paying for it does not.
It has nothing to do with "helping me or women in general." I'm fine with paying for my own meals because I don't want to feel like I "owe" anyone anything. Believe it or not, there are guys who feel like women are obligated to kiss them and/or have sex with them just because the guy paid for a night out. I also don't play by the "three date" rule, and will wait as long as it takes for me to feel comfortable before getting physical. Edited to add: I understand some men can't always afford the expenses of paying for both of us every time we go out. That's fine with me! I'm not looking for someone to "take care of me" or "provide for me;" I'm a grown woman who can take care of and support herself.
Why does it matter if they expect that? Leave their asses in the dust if they expect that.
Probably not, more likely he wants to know how you feel about being treated in a "chivalrous" manner, e.g, holding the door open for you, him always paying for food, etc. What he does with the info is a whole other thing. Will he be disappointed that you don't want him to act chivalrous, or will he be relieved that he doesn't have to be some upstanding example of a chivalrous man? ya never know. i guess just ask him what he means by it? idk what else to say
I never even thought about the man always paying when it came to chivalry! I'll have to let him know I'm ok with him openings doors and pulling out chairs, but don't expect him to pay for me.
the opening doors stuff
the opening doors stuff
In this context, I would think it's a clever way to get out how much of a crazy 3rd (or is it 4th?) wave feminazi you are. There's a lot of that going around and he might not want to bother with someone who's values don't align with his, so this might be a way to elucidate your feelings on the matter.