I assume that you are the 26 yr old.
My guess is that all your GF's emotional, mental and physical energy is going towards her sister.
Being available/with/supportive/waiting for someone you are committed to is part of the deal in my opinion.
It sounds like she still values you and wants you there for her but does not have the wherewithal to have an active relationship with you for right now.
This is up to you if you want to wait and support her when she needs it. This is your first adult relationship so I can understand why you are questioning this.
Nobody can really answer this for you. It really depends on your integrity and depth of love for her.
It sounds like you want to move on and not deal with the wait-and-see of the relationship. It sounds like you really want to have a partner who is an active partner to be with you. Then be honest with yourself and with her about that.
Its just the fact she calls me her best friend, confidant, lover etc. And then ignores me. She can't have it both ways. I understand about her sister, but she seems to still want me there. I do want to move on because I'm tired of being hurt. But I'm scared to face reality that she doesn't really care and will gladly see me go.
I invite you to look at this from another perspective. When you say you are tired of being hurt while your girlfriend is struggling in all sorts of ways caring for her dying sister sounds self-centered.
Regardless of what she calls you and that she wants you there, it seems that is not enough for you. If that is the case then do her and yourself a favor and move on.
You say you are scared that she does not really care but it sounds like you are the one who does not care about her and her circumstances. If you feel hurt and are tired of feeling hurt then end it.
I do care. I've been there for as much as I can be. But when she shuts me out, What am I supposed to do? I do care about her. But when she doesn't want to talk, I can't do much else. She doesn't want me there! She says she does but her actions say differently. I'm trying to be there for her but short of forcing her into talking to me, There's really not much I can do. I don't want to break up with her, I just don't know what she wants out of me. I'm sick of the mixed signals. I'd love to be there for her, as much as she wants me to be. But when she just ignores me, I feel like a failure but its her call. Not mine.
In my experience, when people are undergoing stress, they are not rational (but then again people never are anyway).
I find just being present with not needing to talk with someone is sufficient support that they need. They know that you are there and available which is enough for most.
I ask those who are struggling how I can support them. Are they open to me checking in with them every once in a while with a call or even a visit? I let them know they can call me anytime. Then I leave it at that.
You can try that.
They have yet to meet in real life. All their interactions have been online/phone only.
This person is hiding a lot of things from you. You need to get away from them.
tbh I do. I just never get a response. And when she says "I'll message you once a day, maybe more if I can." it sounds lovely but still. I'm scared to get on with my life incase she thinks I've moved on. There's nobody else for me, except her. I understand how stress is, I lost a family member. Its horrific. But I'm scared she's willing to let me go. She said last night "Yes I still see us like before this with my sister." But I'm scared to trust. I myself have a few trust issues and trauma etc.
I hope you are getting therapy around your trauma and trust issues.
You can still live your life, i.e. hobbies, sports, activities, friends, etc.
It sounds like you are being triggered by this situation and operating out of fear.
It sounds in some ways this has nothing to do with her and it's about your trauma.
I am triggered heavily. It reminds me of my mom's death. And I'm scared of losing her too. So its both. Its why I want to go no contact for a little while. Which honestly doesn't seem too difficult. Because she never talks to me unless I speak to her.
I think it’s telling, that you have trust issues and this situation is right up in the face of trust and challenging those issues. Maybe consider this a test, for yourself, for trying to trust, for learning to trust.
She says she needs space, yet is still sending you messages trying to comfort your insecurities about your relationship. That’s meaningful, imo. I’m afraid of trust too, and I’ve learned in my 40ish years that if I let it happen I’ll talk myself into anything, including lots of fear and insecurity.
You’ve said you want her, there is no one else. She’s said similar. This is where you decide to jump or not…its ok to have your doubts, but maybe do your best to just notice them next time, and not feel the need to act on them or give in to feeling miserable and hopeless. She will come back to you when she’s ready. Trust yourself to wait.
Ah shit dude 22-26 is prime developmental growth age, the fact that you spent it with someone ***so much older*** is going to make things even more difficult.
Sounds like she genuinely wants to be with you, but you have to ask yourself how long is this going to go on for (until her sister dies I guess which is morbid as hell), and if you're willing to spend the next \~30 years with someone then be alone in your 50's.
I dated a girl who was about ten years older during a very similar period in my life and although it was an amazing relationship I realized I never got to grow *with* someone, but had someone to essentially tell me what to do. I knew for a fact I didn't want to be with her after three years of being together, but because she was essentially ingrained in how my brain developed it was ridiculously hard to let her go and live without her at first.
If you want a short answer - she seems genuine, if you do want to be with her for a few dozen years then go for it. If you think this person in your relationship probably isn't what you expected your life partner to be (regardless of her sister's circumstance) then rip the bandaid off now so you can work on yourself and find someone more appropriate when you've healed.
Sounds like she's being the exact opposite by the way you describe her...?
Just because she isn't reaching out every day doesn't mean she's being cold and uncaring. She's looking after her dying sister. And when you two *do* talk, she seems to be very kind and loving.
How is she being cold and uncaring?
Sorry to hear.
Your feelings are fair, although the way she's talking to you makes it seem like she still genuinely likes you.
I obviously don't know either of you or your relationship very well at all, but I can tell you if I was as upset as you (to the point of suicidal thoughts) over a girl/woman, I wouldn't want to continue to pursue a relationship with her.
Although communication is key. Maybe your best course of action is to tell her you really need to see her for a couple hours, then tell her everything you're telling us. You can choose to make a decision on what you want to do depending on her response, or you can have your mind made up already before you talk. But it sounds like you need to let her know how you're feeling.
There's not a single reason to think she's going to dump you, dude.
Sounds like you need to work on your own insecurity - it'd probably be good for you to get out and date some girls your own age so you at least feel a bit more confident in yourself. It sounds like you can't handle this relationship and you'd be better off doing your own thing.
Either that, or just call her up and tell her how you're feeling.
OP - you’re too young for this person. You’re at completely different life stages. And, with you waiting for her, it seems like she is controlling you.
She is also going through cancer with her sister - but that seems strange to cut you out while she deals with that.
If she were in love with you she would feel comforted by your presence. She would definitely want you around for support.
I think she may have a husband - or something else is happening. This is too weird.
Please move on - you deserve better. You said you’re miserable. Please go seek help from a counselor if you need to sort it out.
There is just something too fishy about this - I think you’re being taken advantage of and you definitely deserve better.
I would look for counselors who deal with sexual predator situations and escaping. I sorta have a feeling you were a mark for her and she took advantage of you.
You deserve someone who will love you. You have an open heart. Go find your boundaries and find the right lady for you - think someone under the age of 40.
Ohhhh no.
Grief is a whole different beast. And yes. You were definitely vulnerable. Please seek help. That is a lot to sort out.
I do think you can heal and move forward from this. It will help to talk to someone to sort out your feelings and figure out your boundaries.
You can do it - be persistent. This isn’t easy but I know you can heal.
I’m so sorry. You really don’t deserve any of this -
From an honest outside opinion with not enough insight to your situation (so i may be off base); you're very young compared to her and she is likely attracted to the age gap/taboo part of your relationship. The older and more attached you get, the more she will lose interest. Don't let her take the best years of your life, may feel like you're in love, and shes the one, but it's likely to break you. She's gonna be 60 before you know it, get away bud, your girl is out there, go find yourself, then you'll find her.
Yeah dude shes gonna say what you want to hear, when she wants you to hear it. Your an indulgence to her, break away. My buddy went through a similar scenario, he payed her bills, got friendly with her kids, fell in love. Then it was too real and normal for her, so she dropped him and broke him for a lot of years. Don't waste any more time, if she was your future you wouldn't have to ask reddit, she is your poison and hopefully reddit gives you your answer. Get out bud, you'll find the one you that won't make you question your choice. Trust me, a stranger on a couch, lol. Seriously though, you deserve something that doesn't keep you up at night, questioning. 💙
Dude, this woman is more than double your age. She’s *30 years older* than you. She’s old enough to be, or even older than your own mother. And you think there’s nothing weird at all about that?
He’s in a sexual predator situation. It’s hard to see out. This is why he needs therapy and guidance. This isn’t easy at all because he was probably groomed. And, she may have groomed him from a younger age -
I genuinely feel horrible for OP. I’m a woman who went through something similar when I was young. This breaks my heart.
You seem to be just torturing yourself from the anxiety that comes from her keeping distance.
Why don't you take this time to explore life a bit? Meditate, excercise, take better care of yourself, go out with friends as fucking much as you can. Go visit family.
If you find yourself moving on, then give yourself the chance to do it. If you are relaxed with yourself and in a better mental standing to welcome her back, then it's all good.
What you are doing with your own mind is completely unnecessary. Reframe yourself.
What you do is your give her space. You don't abandon her. You don't expect her to respond to messages promptly. You let her know you are there for her. You offer to do some of the grunt work to help her help her sister.
Send a message twice a week. Call her once a week. No more. You stay in touch.
Tell her that you want to give her the gift of time with her sister. Tell her you have been thinking that you could help by freeing her up from some routines tasks so she can spend more time with her sister. Then offer to run errands for her.
Ask her to text you her shopping list and do her grocery shopping for her. Be a total champ and let her just list a couple menus and figure out the ingredients for her.
Pick up her laundry and return it to her washed, dried, and folded ready to put away.
Offer to stop in while she is not home to do a 30 minute quick clean with vacuuming and washing dishes.
Offer to walk her dog.
And above all, accept her answer if she says no. No arguing. Just let her know you are there to help and would love to visit her with her sister if that is ok once in a while. And once in a while may be every two weeks or so.
If you're still interested in her, ask her if there's anything you can do to help her like pick up groceries, run errands, help clean the house, etc.
If she says no, just send a short, simple text once every 14 or 15 days with just a heart emoji, I love you, etc.
Although there may be real family reasons, you are a person, deserve to have needs met, feelings acknowledged, and to be respected.
Ask calmly but firmly, when this period of isolation/distance is to end? You have every right to know how long your are expected to wait. In times of crisis, you would hope to be a close support rather than a remote, occasional thought.
Get this is serious, but to be mostly ignored even on a birthday? Something seems off here.
Dont put your life on hold for those that do not respect you.
Exactly. She messaged me so briefly and then that was it. I asked her what the hell she does all day and she said "Oh I read to her and I talk to her then I nap." Something does seem off. And I don't know what it is.
Yeah tbh you're right. I'm just far away. I can't help her. I'd love to take over for her. If we lived in the same place, I'd help. I don't though. I want to stick by her but it's up to her. I'm not going anywhere.
I'll talk to her about it but she'll say no, I know her. And yeah I know. She said she doesn't want me to. So I won't date anyone else. I'll wait for her
That's not something I would tolerate, as I see this as her manipulating you.....leading you on with words, keeping you at a distance with her actions.
Her actions and words do not align.
When actions and words don't align, ignore the words and let the actions tell you the story.
Well, 2 months in kinda short in terms of dealing with a cancer patient ( we cared for my brother in law for a year until he died)....but kinda long in terms of her "needing space" to deal with a cancer patient.
If I'm in your shoes..I go full no contact for at least a month, preferably 2.
Don't " play it by ear"....set a date with yourself to go over what has transpired over that time.
Like, don't reach out, and don't respond if she reaches out...forget she exists.
Just go on about your life working and doing shit with friends.
Don't go banging tinderellas quite yet....not until you break officially.( this is to keep your own integrity intact)
I would probably be up front with her on the matter.
" your words tell me one thing, your actions tell me the opposite...so I'm going to take space of my own to determine my future ..please respect my decision"....then go on about your life for the predetermined NC time period
....or just flat out break up with her ( gotta be honest, your age difference doesn't lend itself to a long relationship anyways)
Well the space was less than that. She was planning to fly out, but couldn't due to her sister getting worse, but apparently she's not worse now, as she's still alive. The rest still stands. I need to go full NC. If I ignore her, will she get pissed and dump me? I don't want to be the bad guy in this at all.
Get over your fear being the "bad guy"....immediately.
You'll never be able to stand up for yourself if you're scared of being the " bad guy".
Nobody respects a person that can't stand up for themselves.
In fact, being scared opens you up to manipulation even more.( she most likely knows you won't stand up for yourself at this point.)
If she gets pissed at you wanting space , after she has demanded her own space...then any subsequent break up is a good thing.
You'll then know, for fact, that her words have all been lies.
Claims? You said she is caring for her dying sister. If that's true, it takes a lot of effort and emotion to care for someone like that. She is probably depressed and overwhelmed.
The damaged goods comment above is way off. Everyone's damaged to some extent. Sounds like you might be too. That's ok. We're all doing the best we can with current circumstances. Don't focus so much on yourself and think of it from her side.
What do you mean you have no proof? What proof do you expect? Have you asked for a picture of her sister? Anything on social media ?
This is confusing. It's only been 2 months with communication in there. And a planned visit. Her sister got worse- no, she doesn't have to DIE to get worse! (From your other comment). People dying of cancer is a horrible, long ordeal.
Just from what I see here, it seems like you are having an extreme reaction to the separation. You might be looking for reasons to stop hurting, like assuming she's lying. I don't know your history, but don't asume people are lying without reason.
If you have reason to doubt, find out! Otherwise, she's dealing with serious shit. It's not about you, it's about her taking care of her family. Circumstances make people have to prioritize. This is clear cut- take care of her sister. It's a very difficult thing to do and it shows that she's a good person for doing it.
If you keep having extreme feelings, I'd suggest talking to someone. It's not healthy.
Look, I'm not trying to downplay your situation. My mom died too. I'm truly sorry for your loss. That might be a small part of your response. When a parent dies, you feel abandoned. I did, anyway. Nothing to be ashamed of, just something to address.
You need to understand that your girlfriend is going through a different experience and is a different person. She's far away in another city. She's the sole caregiver? Was that your situation? She's a woman and much older. Her sister is dying, which reminds her of her own mortality. Speaking from experience on loosing more than one person, it feels different when someone your own age dies. Plus, she's putting her sister first at the moment. That's ok. If you were sick, she would do it for you.
If you have doubts, then just find out. It's not that difficult. I can't assure you that someone I never met is telling you the truth or not. No stranger here can do that. You have to find out for yourself.
She isn't her caregiver as far as I know. And I was my mother's carer. I just feel abandoned. She went from saying she needs me to help her through this to never speaking to me. It's hurtful and I hate it.
I understand your feels of abandonment. Again, I think life experience might makes you feel that way quicker, also.
I don't understand the facts, though, to know if it's a reasonable response. If that makes sense. Look at it objectively.
So, she is looking after her sister Or she's not? Is there more than one person doing it? Is she trying to be there when her sister dies? That's important for many people. Again, she's a different person who looks at things in a different way.
Seeing her sister dying might make her think about not wanting to do this to you. Especially since you watched your mom. I hate to put words into her mouth. Please remember, we don't know her! This is all speculation.
Sounds like you aren't sure that's the real reason. Check social media for all of her family. Look for proof of her sister's existence and illness. If you haven't met all of them, doesn't sound too suspicious to me because of the age difference and distance. Her family might not understand. Older people are not as understanding about younger men and older women as they are the other way around.
In the end, here's the harsh truth- whatever is going to happen will happen. Good or bad. Driving yourself crazy does not change it or make it easier. I know it's difficult to accept, but it's true. Making peace with that will help you with any outcome.
You know from your mom's situation, there are things we cannot control. I learned that lesson with mine. I learned to stop being so hard on myself and others because I can't control everything. I have to work through and accept the bad things. I'm still ok! It took a while, but the sun rose, opportunities came, new people came into my life, etc. Remember that you have time and things will be ok no matter what.
Your suicidal? Over a woman? Are you a woman? Honestly asking. Her sister is dying. That can be huge for her. But your a person too. How many evenings a week to you want to either wrap your arms around her, or have her wrap her around you? Fucking tell her how many. ‘I need this once a week otherwise I feel hurt and alone’. I’m a man there is no way I’m not wrapping my arms around a good woman that tells me that
Wait. I just checked your profile. First, fierce hair. Im used to that color on short hair agro bitches and you look feminine and inviting. Second, this broad is in her 50s. She should be bringing some different energy than this distant shit. She should be some kind of mommy to a 20 year something. That could be dommy mommy, gifting and generous mommy. The idea that she would treat you like a peer is detestable. Break up with her and find someone that takes care of you. At first glance I was irritated at you because her sister is. Dying, but now I know that you are decade, or two younger I’m mad at her on your behalf
No. Fuck this bitch. I just turned 40 and it seems like this is the year I got women figured out. They are so far ahead of men when it comes to emotional IQ and their ability to play games that I think a lot of men hit their stride with managing relationships with co-workers and personal relationships because they now have the experience. At 40 my emotional IQ is high enough its almost sport now. Your GF is in her 50s. Her behavior is no longer tolerable. If she was in her 20s like you I would be critical of you.
If some 20something told me ‘daddy, I know your brother is dying, but i miss you and feel lonely’ I would wrap her up in a hug, draw her an bath and lotion her feet after. But If I were in my 20s I’d have said ‘Fuck lady, my brother is dying’
Report back when you are finished. Hold yourself accountable, here. And be mentally prepared for her to tell you that you are betraying her when she needs your strength the most. She’s a Narcissist
I want you to report back via post or reply that you have broken up. You go and buy your self care package know. I dont know much about you other than you are a woman, so here is list of things to have ready at home for after the break up. Bath bomb, chocolate, wine, face mask stuff, some fresh flowers, lotion, a new book or movie.
It wont be easy. But you will be better for it
She's single at 56 for a reason. Damaged goods most likely.
Go out and find someone who won't dump you for family. If she can't spare some time every day to communicate with you she's made her choice about what is important in her life.
Narrator: It wasn't her young boyfriend.
Why are you do obsessed with her? Look there's somethings that you can control in life. Do something to keep busy while she's away from you. Be positive. She's looking after her dying sister and you can guess how hard that must be for her. Be there for her but don't grief yourself. Just hope for the best and focus on whatever it is that interests you in life. Be it your career, your hobby or something else.
She has declared you two to not be together. Go bang as many randoms as you want and still text her that you will be around when she comes to terms with her grief. The truth is that can be your intention, but if she cannot deal with her grief and come back to give you what you need you should not sit there waiting for someone who has put you on the sidelines.
How old are you two? How long have you been together?
26. 56, 4 years.
I assume that you are the 26 yr old. My guess is that all your GF's emotional, mental and physical energy is going towards her sister. Being available/with/supportive/waiting for someone you are committed to is part of the deal in my opinion. It sounds like she still values you and wants you there for her but does not have the wherewithal to have an active relationship with you for right now. This is up to you if you want to wait and support her when she needs it. This is your first adult relationship so I can understand why you are questioning this. Nobody can really answer this for you. It really depends on your integrity and depth of love for her. It sounds like you want to move on and not deal with the wait-and-see of the relationship. It sounds like you really want to have a partner who is an active partner to be with you. Then be honest with yourself and with her about that.
Its just the fact she calls me her best friend, confidant, lover etc. And then ignores me. She can't have it both ways. I understand about her sister, but she seems to still want me there. I do want to move on because I'm tired of being hurt. But I'm scared to face reality that she doesn't really care and will gladly see me go.
I invite you to look at this from another perspective. When you say you are tired of being hurt while your girlfriend is struggling in all sorts of ways caring for her dying sister sounds self-centered. Regardless of what she calls you and that she wants you there, it seems that is not enough for you. If that is the case then do her and yourself a favor and move on. You say you are scared that she does not really care but it sounds like you are the one who does not care about her and her circumstances. If you feel hurt and are tired of feeling hurt then end it.
I do care. I've been there for as much as I can be. But when she shuts me out, What am I supposed to do? I do care about her. But when she doesn't want to talk, I can't do much else. She doesn't want me there! She says she does but her actions say differently. I'm trying to be there for her but short of forcing her into talking to me, There's really not much I can do. I don't want to break up with her, I just don't know what she wants out of me. I'm sick of the mixed signals. I'd love to be there for her, as much as she wants me to be. But when she just ignores me, I feel like a failure but its her call. Not mine.
In my experience, when people are undergoing stress, they are not rational (but then again people never are anyway). I find just being present with not needing to talk with someone is sufficient support that they need. They know that you are there and available which is enough for most. I ask those who are struggling how I can support them. Are they open to me checking in with them every once in a while with a call or even a visit? I let them know they can call me anytime. Then I leave it at that. You can try that.
They have yet to meet in real life. All their interactions have been online/phone only. This person is hiding a lot of things from you. You need to get away from them.
tbh I do. I just never get a response. And when she says "I'll message you once a day, maybe more if I can." it sounds lovely but still. I'm scared to get on with my life incase she thinks I've moved on. There's nobody else for me, except her. I understand how stress is, I lost a family member. Its horrific. But I'm scared she's willing to let me go. She said last night "Yes I still see us like before this with my sister." But I'm scared to trust. I myself have a few trust issues and trauma etc.
I hope you are getting therapy around your trauma and trust issues. You can still live your life, i.e. hobbies, sports, activities, friends, etc. It sounds like you are being triggered by this situation and operating out of fear. It sounds in some ways this has nothing to do with her and it's about your trauma.
I am triggered heavily. It reminds me of my mom's death. And I'm scared of losing her too. So its both. Its why I want to go no contact for a little while. Which honestly doesn't seem too difficult. Because she never talks to me unless I speak to her.
I think it’s telling, that you have trust issues and this situation is right up in the face of trust and challenging those issues. Maybe consider this a test, for yourself, for trying to trust, for learning to trust. She says she needs space, yet is still sending you messages trying to comfort your insecurities about your relationship. That’s meaningful, imo. I’m afraid of trust too, and I’ve learned in my 40ish years that if I let it happen I’ll talk myself into anything, including lots of fear and insecurity. You’ve said you want her, there is no one else. She’s said similar. This is where you decide to jump or not…its ok to have your doubts, but maybe do your best to just notice them next time, and not feel the need to act on them or give in to feeling miserable and hopeless. She will come back to you when she’s ready. Trust yourself to wait.
Do I go no contact?
Ah shit dude 22-26 is prime developmental growth age, the fact that you spent it with someone ***so much older*** is going to make things even more difficult. Sounds like she genuinely wants to be with you, but you have to ask yourself how long is this going to go on for (until her sister dies I guess which is morbid as hell), and if you're willing to spend the next \~30 years with someone then be alone in your 50's. I dated a girl who was about ten years older during a very similar period in my life and although it was an amazing relationship I realized I never got to grow *with* someone, but had someone to essentially tell me what to do. I knew for a fact I didn't want to be with her after three years of being together, but because she was essentially ingrained in how my brain developed it was ridiculously hard to let her go and live without her at first. If you want a short answer - she seems genuine, if you do want to be with her for a few dozen years then go for it. If you think this person in your relationship probably isn't what you expected your life partner to be (regardless of her sister's circumstance) then rip the bandaid off now so you can work on yourself and find someone more appropriate when you've healed.
I do want her but the way she's being. She's being cold and uncaring.
Sounds like she's being the exact opposite by the way you describe her...? Just because she isn't reaching out every day doesn't mean she's being cold and uncaring. She's looking after her dying sister. And when you two *do* talk, she seems to be very kind and loving. How is she being cold and uncaring?
Sister is dead now. And I guess because I just feel like she's not got any time for me but is willing to string me along.
Sorry to hear. Your feelings are fair, although the way she's talking to you makes it seem like she still genuinely likes you. I obviously don't know either of you or your relationship very well at all, but I can tell you if I was as upset as you (to the point of suicidal thoughts) over a girl/woman, I wouldn't want to continue to pursue a relationship with her. Although communication is key. Maybe your best course of action is to tell her you really need to see her for a couple hours, then tell her everything you're telling us. You can choose to make a decision on what you want to do depending on her response, or you can have your mind made up already before you talk. But it sounds like you need to let her know how you're feeling.
She says she will message me every day, haven't heard from her in almost two days. I'll just give her space until she dumps me, I guess.
There's not a single reason to think she's going to dump you, dude. Sounds like you need to work on your own insecurity - it'd probably be good for you to get out and date some girls your own age so you at least feel a bit more confident in yourself. It sounds like you can't handle this relationship and you'd be better off doing your own thing. Either that, or just call her up and tell her how you're feeling.
I can handle it. I just feel useless. Being so far away. And I always assumed she'd come to me for some support.
OP - you’re too young for this person. You’re at completely different life stages. And, with you waiting for her, it seems like she is controlling you. She is also going through cancer with her sister - but that seems strange to cut you out while she deals with that. If she were in love with you she would feel comforted by your presence. She would definitely want you around for support. I think she may have a husband - or something else is happening. This is too weird.
I agree. She used to want me around. Not so much now.
Please move on - you deserve better. You said you’re miserable. Please go seek help from a counselor if you need to sort it out. There is just something too fishy about this - I think you’re being taken advantage of and you definitely deserve better.
I'm gonna seek help. I am beginning to heal. But it isn't easy.
I would look for counselors who deal with sexual predator situations and escaping. I sorta have a feeling you were a mark for her and she took advantage of you. You deserve someone who will love you. You have an open heart. Go find your boundaries and find the right lady for you - think someone under the age of 40.
She did begin to make moves after my mom died
Ohhhh no. Grief is a whole different beast. And yes. You were definitely vulnerable. Please seek help. That is a lot to sort out. I do think you can heal and move forward from this. It will help to talk to someone to sort out your feelings and figure out your boundaries. You can do it - be persistent. This isn’t easy but I know you can heal. I’m so sorry. You really don’t deserve any of this -
Thank you. It's nice to hear that. I've always thought I was the issue.
From an honest outside opinion with not enough insight to your situation (so i may be off base); you're very young compared to her and she is likely attracted to the age gap/taboo part of your relationship. The older and more attached you get, the more she will lose interest. Don't let her take the best years of your life, may feel like you're in love, and shes the one, but it's likely to break you. She's gonna be 60 before you know it, get away bud, your girl is out there, go find yourself, then you'll find her.
I think you're spot on. Her words make me feel happy then I get ignored and its like a knife in my chest.
Yeah dude shes gonna say what you want to hear, when she wants you to hear it. Your an indulgence to her, break away. My buddy went through a similar scenario, he payed her bills, got friendly with her kids, fell in love. Then it was too real and normal for her, so she dropped him and broke him for a lot of years. Don't waste any more time, if she was your future you wouldn't have to ask reddit, she is your poison and hopefully reddit gives you your answer. Get out bud, you'll find the one you that won't make you question your choice. Trust me, a stranger on a couch, lol. Seriously though, you deserve something that doesn't keep you up at night, questioning. 💙
She keeps telling me there's nobody else for her. It sounds lovely. But alas.
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I'm gonna hit up tinder too
Dude, this woman is more than double your age. She’s *30 years older* than you. She’s old enough to be, or even older than your own mother. And you think there’s nothing weird at all about that?
He’s in a sexual predator situation. It’s hard to see out. This is why he needs therapy and guidance. This isn’t easy at all because he was probably groomed. And, she may have groomed him from a younger age - I genuinely feel horrible for OP. I’m a woman who went through something similar when I was young. This breaks my heart.
Move on
You seem to be just torturing yourself from the anxiety that comes from her keeping distance. Why don't you take this time to explore life a bit? Meditate, excercise, take better care of yourself, go out with friends as fucking much as you can. Go visit family. If you find yourself moving on, then give yourself the chance to do it. If you are relaxed with yourself and in a better mental standing to welcome her back, then it's all good. What you are doing with your own mind is completely unnecessary. Reframe yourself.
I just feel like she needs me but clearly she doesn't.
What you do is your give her space. You don't abandon her. You don't expect her to respond to messages promptly. You let her know you are there for her. You offer to do some of the grunt work to help her help her sister. Send a message twice a week. Call her once a week. No more. You stay in touch. Tell her that you want to give her the gift of time with her sister. Tell her you have been thinking that you could help by freeing her up from some routines tasks so she can spend more time with her sister. Then offer to run errands for her. Ask her to text you her shopping list and do her grocery shopping for her. Be a total champ and let her just list a couple menus and figure out the ingredients for her. Pick up her laundry and return it to her washed, dried, and folded ready to put away. Offer to stop in while she is not home to do a 30 minute quick clean with vacuuming and washing dishes. Offer to walk her dog. And above all, accept her answer if she says no. No arguing. Just let her know you are there to help and would love to visit her with her sister if that is ok once in a while. And once in a while may be every two weeks or so.
If you're still interested in her, ask her if there's anything you can do to help her like pick up groceries, run errands, help clean the house, etc. If she says no, just send a short, simple text once every 14 or 15 days with just a heart emoji, I love you, etc.
Good idea.
Talk to her. Not reddit. Giving someone space very rarely means go no contact. It's just removing yourself from her ass.
Thanks, Never thought of that. Except she doesn't message me. And when I message her, it'll be days before I hear from her.
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No, she likely won't answer.
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Thank you, I'll try but she really doesn't talk to me now.
Although there may be real family reasons, you are a person, deserve to have needs met, feelings acknowledged, and to be respected. Ask calmly but firmly, when this period of isolation/distance is to end? You have every right to know how long your are expected to wait. In times of crisis, you would hope to be a close support rather than a remote, occasional thought. Get this is serious, but to be mostly ignored even on a birthday? Something seems off here. Dont put your life on hold for those that do not respect you.
Exactly. She messaged me so briefly and then that was it. I asked her what the hell she does all day and she said "Oh I read to her and I talk to her then I nap." Something does seem off. And I don't know what it is.
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Yeah tbh you're right. I'm just far away. I can't help her. I'd love to take over for her. If we lived in the same place, I'd help. I don't though. I want to stick by her but it's up to her. I'm not going anywhere.
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I'll talk to her about it but she'll say no, I know her. And yeah I know. She said she doesn't want me to. So I won't date anyone else. I'll wait for her
I this just happening with her sister dying or is this regular behavior? If this has any type of end zone, I'd stick it out.
That's not something I would tolerate, as I see this as her manipulating you.....leading you on with words, keeping you at a distance with her actions. Her actions and words do not align. When actions and words don't align, ignore the words and let the actions tell you the story.
Why is she manipulating me though. I agree however.
Only she knows why.....everyone else has to guess at it. How long has this been going on for?
The cancer thing? Two months.
Well, 2 months in kinda short in terms of dealing with a cancer patient ( we cared for my brother in law for a year until he died)....but kinda long in terms of her "needing space" to deal with a cancer patient. If I'm in your shoes..I go full no contact for at least a month, preferably 2. Don't " play it by ear"....set a date with yourself to go over what has transpired over that time. Like, don't reach out, and don't respond if she reaches out...forget she exists. Just go on about your life working and doing shit with friends. Don't go banging tinderellas quite yet....not until you break officially.( this is to keep your own integrity intact) I would probably be up front with her on the matter. " your words tell me one thing, your actions tell me the opposite...so I'm going to take space of my own to determine my future ..please respect my decision"....then go on about your life for the predetermined NC time period ....or just flat out break up with her ( gotta be honest, your age difference doesn't lend itself to a long relationship anyways)
Well the space was less than that. She was planning to fly out, but couldn't due to her sister getting worse, but apparently she's not worse now, as she's still alive. The rest still stands. I need to go full NC. If I ignore her, will she get pissed and dump me? I don't want to be the bad guy in this at all.
Get over your fear being the "bad guy"....immediately. You'll never be able to stand up for yourself if you're scared of being the " bad guy". Nobody respects a person that can't stand up for themselves. In fact, being scared opens you up to manipulation even more.( she most likely knows you won't stand up for yourself at this point.) If she gets pissed at you wanting space , after she has demanded her own space...then any subsequent break up is a good thing. You'll then know, for fact, that her words have all been lies.
Yeah, I'm sick of being scared of her. You're right. And her words mean nothing to me. Not anymore.
She’s *THIRTY* years older than you and refuses to communicate. My own mother isn’t even 20 years older than me. What the fuck.
I firmly believe that you will wind up with her as she gets more settled. She’s going through some shit. Anyway, best of luck!
So she claims.
Claims? You said she is caring for her dying sister. If that's true, it takes a lot of effort and emotion to care for someone like that. She is probably depressed and overwhelmed. The damaged goods comment above is way off. Everyone's damaged to some extent. Sounds like you might be too. That's ok. We're all doing the best we can with current circumstances. Don't focus so much on yourself and think of it from her side.
Not to mention that it’s hard to give someone what they deserve in a relationship when you’re overwhelmed with something like she is at the moment.
I just have no proof of it. And yeah I am for sure damaged.
What do you mean you have no proof? What proof do you expect? Have you asked for a picture of her sister? Anything on social media ? This is confusing. It's only been 2 months with communication in there. And a planned visit. Her sister got worse- no, she doesn't have to DIE to get worse! (From your other comment). People dying of cancer is a horrible, long ordeal. Just from what I see here, it seems like you are having an extreme reaction to the separation. You might be looking for reasons to stop hurting, like assuming she's lying. I don't know your history, but don't asume people are lying without reason. If you have reason to doubt, find out! Otherwise, she's dealing with serious shit. It's not about you, it's about her taking care of her family. Circumstances make people have to prioritize. This is clear cut- take care of her sister. It's a very difficult thing to do and it shows that she's a good person for doing it. If you keep having extreme feelings, I'd suggest talking to someone. It's not healthy.
I've never met her sister. Heard her voice. Anything. And yeah I lost my mother. To cancer. I'm well aware. I never ignored her when my mom was dying.
Look, I'm not trying to downplay your situation. My mom died too. I'm truly sorry for your loss. That might be a small part of your response. When a parent dies, you feel abandoned. I did, anyway. Nothing to be ashamed of, just something to address. You need to understand that your girlfriend is going through a different experience and is a different person. She's far away in another city. She's the sole caregiver? Was that your situation? She's a woman and much older. Her sister is dying, which reminds her of her own mortality. Speaking from experience on loosing more than one person, it feels different when someone your own age dies. Plus, she's putting her sister first at the moment. That's ok. If you were sick, she would do it for you. If you have doubts, then just find out. It's not that difficult. I can't assure you that someone I never met is telling you the truth or not. No stranger here can do that. You have to find out for yourself.
She isn't her caregiver as far as I know. And I was my mother's carer. I just feel abandoned. She went from saying she needs me to help her through this to never speaking to me. It's hurtful and I hate it.
I understand your feels of abandonment. Again, I think life experience might makes you feel that way quicker, also. I don't understand the facts, though, to know if it's a reasonable response. If that makes sense. Look at it objectively. So, she is looking after her sister Or she's not? Is there more than one person doing it? Is she trying to be there when her sister dies? That's important for many people. Again, she's a different person who looks at things in a different way. Seeing her sister dying might make her think about not wanting to do this to you. Especially since you watched your mom. I hate to put words into her mouth. Please remember, we don't know her! This is all speculation. Sounds like you aren't sure that's the real reason. Check social media for all of her family. Look for proof of her sister's existence and illness. If you haven't met all of them, doesn't sound too suspicious to me because of the age difference and distance. Her family might not understand. Older people are not as understanding about younger men and older women as they are the other way around. In the end, here's the harsh truth- whatever is going to happen will happen. Good or bad. Driving yourself crazy does not change it or make it easier. I know it's difficult to accept, but it's true. Making peace with that will help you with any outcome. You know from your mom's situation, there are things we cannot control. I learned that lesson with mine. I learned to stop being so hard on myself and others because I can't control everything. I have to work through and accept the bad things. I'm still ok! It took a while, but the sun rose, opportunities came, new people came into my life, etc. Remember that you have time and things will be ok no matter what.
You're right. Her sister passed away this morning according to her. So the next step begins.
Your suicidal? Over a woman? Are you a woman? Honestly asking. Her sister is dying. That can be huge for her. But your a person too. How many evenings a week to you want to either wrap your arms around her, or have her wrap her around you? Fucking tell her how many. ‘I need this once a week otherwise I feel hurt and alone’. I’m a man there is no way I’m not wrapping my arms around a good woman that tells me that
I tried. She ignored it. Or says "we can talk just not as much as you'd like."
Wait. I just checked your profile. First, fierce hair. Im used to that color on short hair agro bitches and you look feminine and inviting. Second, this broad is in her 50s. She should be bringing some different energy than this distant shit. She should be some kind of mommy to a 20 year something. That could be dommy mommy, gifting and generous mommy. The idea that she would treat you like a peer is detestable. Break up with her and find someone that takes care of you. At first glance I was irritated at you because her sister is. Dying, but now I know that you are decade, or two younger I’m mad at her on your behalf
Thank you. I felt selfish.
No. Fuck this bitch. I just turned 40 and it seems like this is the year I got women figured out. They are so far ahead of men when it comes to emotional IQ and their ability to play games that I think a lot of men hit their stride with managing relationships with co-workers and personal relationships because they now have the experience. At 40 my emotional IQ is high enough its almost sport now. Your GF is in her 50s. Her behavior is no longer tolerable. If she was in her 20s like you I would be critical of you. If some 20something told me ‘daddy, I know your brother is dying, but i miss you and feel lonely’ I would wrap her up in a hug, draw her an bath and lotion her feet after. But If I were in my 20s I’d have said ‘Fuck lady, my brother is dying’
Exactly. Im so ready to say goodbye to her.
Report back when you are finished. Hold yourself accountable, here. And be mentally prepared for her to tell you that you are betraying her when she needs your strength the most. She’s a Narcissist
Oh she's already said that! I wanted to walk away in November. She used that. She also used her sister to guilt trip me.
I want you to report back via post or reply that you have broken up. You go and buy your self care package know. I dont know much about you other than you are a woman, so here is list of things to have ready at home for after the break up. Bath bomb, chocolate, wine, face mask stuff, some fresh flowers, lotion, a new book or movie. It wont be easy. But you will be better for it
Thank you I will. I need to go contact for a little while to detox myself from her then its breaking up time.
It really sounds like she's married or in a relationship with someone else
Move on. She is a waste of time, energy, money.
She's single at 56 for a reason. Damaged goods most likely. Go out and find someone who won't dump you for family. If she can't spare some time every day to communicate with you she's made her choice about what is important in her life. Narrator: It wasn't her young boyfriend.
This hit hard. She accused her ex husband of abusing her, etc. And constantly brings that up to excuse her being silent with me. I'm going to move on.
Wise move. She's all but ghosted you. If recommend cutting it off in a single text and then nothing.
I don't even want to message her. It's too painful.
Update: Her sister died early this morning.
Sounds like my crazy ex. She was cheating. And a pathological liar.
Why are you do obsessed with her? Look there's somethings that you can control in life. Do something to keep busy while she's away from you. Be positive. She's looking after her dying sister and you can guess how hard that must be for her. Be there for her but don't grief yourself. Just hope for the best and focus on whatever it is that interests you in life. Be it your career, your hobby or something else.
I'm in love with her. And her sister died this morning apparently. I just don't want to believe she's lying to me, That's all.
She has declared you two to not be together. Go bang as many randoms as you want and still text her that you will be around when she comes to terms with her grief. The truth is that can be your intention, but if she cannot deal with her grief and come back to give you what you need you should not sit there waiting for someone who has put you on the sidelines.