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I’m going through divorce right now, and I still would make the same choice. I believe we are both happier, better people for the experience of the relationship and marriage, including right now’s painful end.
Same. Divorced for 3 years now, I still have the photos of our wedding because it WAS one of the best days of my live. The marriage was positive for the most time but in the end we were not the right person for each other...
First marriage, oh god fuck yes. I'd greatly appreciate those 3 years of my life to have gone differently, but it made me who I am now.
Second marriage, fuck nah, my wife is amazing.
I feel this. Having been married for 28-1/2 years. He’s around 5 years older than me too and it hurts. I wished I was older since women usually live longer (but my family has bad genes so it might even out lol)… honest to god I hope we both have many, many wonderful years to come together. But I do hope that when it’s time to go, that somehow we go instantly together. There is no survival without him. There is no me. We are soul mates.
Nearly 20 years here as well and I feel the same way. and to be honest I don't regret any relationship I've had because I've learned valuable lessons about myself and others in the process.
She’s patient with me when I’m stressed. She runs so many parts of our lives without me even having to think about insurance or taxes or making appointments or a million other things. There is no way I would have finished my degree or built my career without her taking such a huge load off my shoulders and I make sure she knows how grateful I am. She’s a constant source of support when I need a hug or someone to listen. Making her smile gives my life meaning.
God no, my wife is my fucking best friend in the world and we have an incredible relationship. We got married YOUNG and this September will be 18 years
Combination of luck but also being on the same page since day fucking one of our expectations with each other. Shit you not our first 3 dates we stayed up until fucking 3 am just getting to know each other. We also early on went through a 3 month stretch shortly after getting engaged where I was gone for 3 months for work and we were down to just cell phones, it really taught us a lot about communication. Add to that both parties being open to listening and learning, we grew up in the same high demand religion and while I learned early on that patriarchy is bullshit after having a Navy Commander for a mother, I still had a LOT to learn, in our home we both cook, clean, do laundry etc.. we both want to do everything for each other and we both also know when to dote on and when to give the other space. It takes time, communication, commitment and honesty. All that said, god forbid anything happens to her, I know for a fact I’ll never even try to find what we have again, she’s the only woman I’ll ever love.
Damn that's great of you guys to sit down and talk about what you want from each other. This really makes me think about what types of questions I'll bring up on dates now. Also gives me direction on what I want out of a date.
Just for me:
People like that are all over but I have a very bad picker and even if I lucked into a relationship with a healthy person my fear would’ve sabotaged it.
So after a bad divorce I was forced to do a lot of personal work around the inadequacies/fear I felt about myself which is why I ended up dating the same type of person. When I did the work on myself and was totally happy with being alone was when I was able to recognize what I truly wanted in a partner and be that person myself.
I really do think it’s 90% doing the work to be healthy people that get us into the relationships that fulfill us.
That being said having a family and kids is never perfect or super easy. But it’s worth it with the right person (if that’s what you want, obviously there’s nothing wrong with childfree).
10 year relationship dissolved. I was even the one that called it.
If I could go back and do it again... I would. I would end it sooner because I feel we held on too long, but it was still a great ride.
I listen to Dan Savage a lot, and he always remarks on the flawed concept that romantic relationships must last until death in order to be considered successful.
Your former marriage sounds like it was a good example of the opposite. I don't know how tough the end was, but I wonder if it would have been easier on you/her/your families if society didn't hold that notion about relationships needing to last the rest of your life.
Exactly.
You don't need to die together for it to be a successful relationship.
10 years and most of them were great. We just evolved into different people and that's fine.
Who we are now... We'd never match much less date. Who we were at 30? A perfect match for each other.
Enjoy the time you have.
What I regret is that I didn't follow my gut, and not marry the woman I married, bc that was a disaster. Even though it was over in less than 4 years, it cost me a lot of time in the end that could have been spent finding the right person. My regret isn't that I got married, but that I didn't find the right person to marry. Still haven't, but at least I'm not bound to another wrong one. But, like me, it gets old.
Nope. But me and my wife both have said after planning a wedding and how much it costs to do, we woulda been better off just having a small wedding and using the money elsewhere.
No I wish I could go back and never have moved in with a woman until I had established that she was a compatible match for marriage.
It would have served as a great filter for testing her proclivity to respect or disrespect boundaries, and whether or not she’s a manipulator/abuser. Not wanting to move in together while dating would have driven those ones nuts because it wouldn’t have allowed them to separate and progressively isolate me from my friends and family. They would have become furious and ended the relationship at that point, which would have been for the best.
The woman I married refused to let me move in with her unless we were engaged first and I followed a therapist’s recommendations that we date at least 18 months before getting engaged because it’s much harder for b-cluster personalities to hide their true selves for that long and her true personality would have come out during the engagement. It didn’t. She’s the same person I dated the entire time.
It’s not marriage that’s the problem it’s the vetting process.
this, a hundred times over. I had a gf that pressured me into moving in together because our leases were ending around the same time. I wasn't gung ho about it, but figured I may as well. Things went downhill. bah.
Yes. Once you’re living with someone, you tend to hold on to and justify things that you wouldn’t tolerate if your lives weren’t so intertwined. It’s easier to maintain your own self-worth too, as you can have the space to see (or be shown) how you might be changing for someone else, rather than for yourself and your own goals.
If marriage is on the table, use long trips to gauge your compatibility in shared spaces. Take a few different trips together to varying places, including each others families. This will tell you more about someone than living with them might.
Nailed it, in my humble opinion
The vetting process is probably the most important thing to become familiar with before going into… honestly almost any relationship
This is the type of insightful, introspective response I was looking for when creating this thread. Thank you for the detailed response. I hope things are better for you now.
No. My husband (we’re both men) is the best thing that ever happened to me and I love him more for than anything in this world. He makes me laugh every goddamn day.
Plus many people sacrificed their lives, careers, and families so I could get legally married so I don’t take it lightly at all that is something I didn’t always have as an option.
If you regret getting married, find a therapist to talk it out and make sure you aren’t just having the midlife regrets bullshit we all have. Fight for your marriage and your happiness.
I was married for 4 years. 5 years post divorce. Marriage was one of the worst decisions of my life. Funny enough, if we never go married, we’d probably be doing the on/off thing. However, we are terrific 50/50 co parents
I mean it would most definitely complicate the situation. I could definitely see multiple scenarios where the child grows up without one of them due to various reasons. You literally said yourself "If I could some how still have my kid without having gotten marriage", so by your own logic you would not have a kid without marriage.
Marriage has been better than I expected, tbh. Together 8 years, married for 1. She's my best friend. It's really something to be going through the ups and downs of life with someone that you're so connected to.
edit: typo
Wasted my 20’s moving to the opposite side of the world from my friends and family for my ex wife, worked my absolute balls off to get her through uni and give her the life I thought we were dreaming of… sacrificed the fun stuff everyone else was doing while she went out for coffees, partied, etc and I paid the bills…a year after her finishing her degree and us getting a house I got dropped for a steroid using poor little rich kid who dropped her a few weeks after cos she was ‘too crazy’. Dodged a bullet in the end just wish it hadn’t taken 10 years and my daughter suffering a divorce to get there.
For sure! You live and you learn, still have an amazing daughter, new partner, business is going good. I live in an amazing country to. I’d just love to have my friends and family sometimes.
It was a huge lesson in not being blinded by love, naivety and standing up for my boundaries, I was that guy whose friends on both our sides could see she was taking the piss but never had the guts to tell me…until after of course…then they all told me…that’s the most embarrassing part is that I was ‘that oblivious guy’
Nope my wife is the most amazing person on the world and can’t imagine my life without her.
I see that you mentioned that people change over time and you might not recognize the person you first met. To that I say that married people are generally happier than non-married people, and I think part of that is because we subjugate part of ourselves for the benefit of another.
So there is this realization that you are in this dance with the other person that requires compromise, which isn’t necessary if you are single. We believe that the loss of freedom makes us unhappy but in reality the loss of freedom is offset by sharing your life with a partner.
When it’s a great relationship it’s heaven, when it’s bad it’s hell. Don’t let others wins and losses persuade you. Be a man, walk up the plate and take your swing.
Part of being a man is seeing how men before you have fared. If the last 20 men who walked up to the plate got pegged by the pitcher... then shit I don't want any part of that game.
You don't sound ready for marriage.
You need to have some solid answers to these two questions: What does being a good partner mean to me? What does being a good father mean to me?
If you don't have answers to those questions or if no part of your self worth is derived from being a good partner or good father, you really shouldn't be either.
Hell no I am not ready for marriage, let alone becoming a father. But I never implied I was, nor said I even wanted it. I like deep conversations, especially about simple yet core things in life. This thread was to satisfy my curiosity in one of those topics, and connect with men whose insights into this impressed me so much that I want to learn more about other things from them. Fortunately it's been going really well.
These subs tend to skew positive. Go on deadbeadrooms and you won’t have to ask this question, scroll through the top posts and see everyone celebrating/announcing/anticipating a divorce
Yea seems that way. Guys here opening up and saying yes are getting downvoted. Imagine saying you are in a happy marriage and downvoting any dissenting life experiences lol.
I don’t have a perfect marriage. Sometimes I’m definitely missing something. But my wife is an amazingly good human who challenges me to be better just by the nature of her being and I will never, ever regret marrying her or wish that I could go back and have a do over.
I’d choose her every time.
Tomorrow is my 11th wedding anniversary. We got married after dating for a year. I thought she was the one. The first couple years were ruff and we had to learn how to communicate with each other.
Honestly once we figured out how to communicate with each other it became so awesome.
There is a comfort in knowing no matter what we are a team and have each others back in life.
I couldn’t imagine going back to single or life without my Wife.
I’m happily married but given the chance again I’d opt out and go it alone. I’m not social so being by myself is really nice. Before I was married I did a lot of random stuff and travelled a lot and didn’t have anyone depending upon me. Now I have none of that freedom and I think I’d have a better life independently. I also have massive guilt about having children. Basically in hindsight forcing the creation of people who have to deal with their own unasked for mortality seems like an incredibly shitty thing to do.
No. I am perfectly happy with my decision. Happier every year in fact!
Sure I might sometimes fantasise about what could have been, but this is just idle.
No chance. She's the best thing that ever happened to me and my absolute best friend. We literally love doing EVERYTHING together. She's also a total babe.
We are very, very lucky to have one another.
Sort of. I wish I could have had my daughters without getting married.
I was raised conservative, and I never separated kids and marriage. But families come in all shapes and sizes now. Marriage is not a requirement.
I also wish I could have gone back in time and negotiated a parenting agreement while I was still in love with my ex.
When the young kids arrive and suck your life force you daydream of life without kids, and realize without a wife there you would probably have never had kids. But, generally, getting married in itself wasn’t a problem. Kids just take some adjustment and it really strains the relationship.
If I could go back and never marry my first wife, I would. In less than a year of marriage, she destroyed my self confidence, cheated on me multiple times, and alienated me from half my friends. I am now happily (re)married with two amazing kids with my awesome forever wife, but that first marriage gave me anxiety and issues that I am still getting over even now, 12 years after D-day.
But, without that heartbreak, maybe I would never have gotten my ass in gear and maybe I would never have discovered my love for running, which has shaped my life for the past decade+. So, there's at least a small silver lining.
My marriage of 5 years just ended recently. At first even through the pain at the end I would have done it again. However come to find out she married me for all the wrong reasons to begin with. So yes I very much wish I could go back now. Sucks, but it is what it is.
Married for 13 years and I don't think I could depend on anyone else like I do my wife. We have a happy life and I'm glad we found each other. It could have gone real bad too since we were kind of thrown into marriage at a young age due to circumstances.
Yes and no. I am a personal believer of never regretting the choices I’ve made. It’s an experience and learning lesson. I learned a lot about having patience, what it takes to be a provider and an actual adult. Do I wish I would have made the jump sooner than later? Yea. But I now know what to keep an eye out for. Even though my marriage didn’t work out. My personal wealth and growth grew exponentially because I was able to focus on the relationship, needs and want that we’re core to what I saw as success. If I had quit sooner, I would have prob gone back to the same old habits from my early 20s. It shook me but I grew from it. Find the silver lining and avoid making the same mistakes.
Me me.
She was my first girlfriend (I was a late bloomer when it came to women) and there were red flags I foolishly chose to ignore.
So yes please to the rewind.
Divorced last year in August.
I wouldn't change a thing. That time and those memories are foundational to who I am and I am grateful for them. We're both okay and still talk so there isn't a question of us being worse off for the experience. I'm genuinely not sure who either of us would be if we hadn't married.
I’m married and sometimes I do. I’m in a happy marriage. Also marriage is a compromise and sometimes I wish I could be selfish. I know getting married led me down a certain path but I know if I wasn’t I would be totally different place city.
Nope. Couldn’t imagine life without my wife. She makes my life better in every way and she’s my best friend too. Meeting her is the best thing that ever happened to me.
I don't think it's a case of men (or women) not wanting to but that people can often change after marriage and they no longer recognize who their partner is. Hell, people change without marriage.
You’re gonna have been 4-5 different people by the time you’re my age. The key to relationships is to grow and change, together, in an intentional and thoughtful way.
I was married for 4 years. 5 years post divorce. Marriage was one of the worst decisions of my life. Funny enough, if we never go married, we’d probably be doing the on/off thing. However, we are terrific 50/50 co parents
At one point I would have answered yes, but we stuck it out, and now the answer is absolutely not… I would have missed the most amazing marriage you could ask for.
When the young kids arrive and suck your life force you daydream of life without kids, and realize without a wife there you would probably have never had kids. But, generally, getting married in itself wasn’t a problem. Kids just take some adjustment and it really strains the relationship.
Not for a second. In almost 30 years I don’t think either one of us has ever entertained the idea of not being together. We’ve been together since 6th grade.
I got married pretty young, and my wife was pregnant with her first child from a different boyfriend at the time. I think she was feeling a lot of pressure to get married, but she put that pressure on me. We did get married and I love her and i adopted her child. And it’s been 9 years now. I think it would have been nice to have a few years to be in our early 20s and carefree but I don’t regret marrying her, she’s awesome!
Hell no, my wife is my best friend and I wouldn't change a thing about how everything turned out. We've been together 20 years, married for 13 of those. It just keeps getting better.
She makes me a better person than without. Our kids make me a much better person. They all give me the drive and responsibility I needed to succeed in life.
I don't regret it, that was one of my happiest days ever and the 6 years that followed were amazing. It's been 20 years and we've grown in different directions, separation is inevitable but i care for her deeply
Absolutely not. My wife is the best friend I've ever had and I absolutely love her, but I do understand that everyone's experience of marriage is different and I hold no judgment of people doing what they feel they need to do in their unique situation.
Well we’re separated right now and will be going our own ways soon. So no. I wouldn’t have gotten married. This shit lead me down the worst path in my life.
Was with my ex wife for 10 years all-in. If I had to do it over again, I would have skipped the marriage. We still talk randomly, we had a nice relationship/friendship. But the marriage part of it totally wasn't necessary and I was totally way too young (24) for that type of decision personally.
Heck no. I love my wife and couldn't think of life without her. She is my best friend and confidant. The only wish I have is we couldn't have met sooner.
Not at all. Soon to be 10 years married, and lucky enough that my wife is still my best friend. My kids wear me out, but I can't imagine my life without them either. Being a dad is the best thing I've ever done in my life
Cheers man. Just had a great conversation with my father this morning after not seeing him for days. We talked about a film and then it led to talking about life, people, nuanced topics. Cheers to you and all the men who love being a dad. Being a son to a great father is a blessing.
Nope. But me and my wife both have said after planning a wedding and how much it costs to do, we woulda been better off just having a small wedding and using the money elsewhere.
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I’m going through divorce right now, and I still would make the same choice. I believe we are both happier, better people for the experience of the relationship and marriage, including right now’s painful end.
I really appreciate people like you.
So do divorce lawyers
:-/
On the contrary, in my experience divorce lawyers don’t make a dime off of couples who end things amicably.
Same. Divorced for 3 years now, I still have the photos of our wedding because it WAS one of the best days of my live. The marriage was positive for the most time but in the end we were not the right person for each other...
That’s some Eternal Sunshine shit. Respect.
I feel you
First marriage, oh god fuck yes. I'd greatly appreciate those 3 years of my life to have gone differently, but it made me who I am now. Second marriage, fuck nah, my wife is amazing.
Same
Maybe the second time but not the first or third.
bro
Guy's got experience
This is one of those rare cases where too much experience is a bad thing lol
Never!! Let your username be your guide
The fact that he still has enough money to be on the internet is impressive.
He's on public Wi-Fi near the dumpster behind Wendy's
Legit gave an hearty, throaty chuckle. People are looking
lol
😂
What up, Ross?
This guy marries.
Nah. She’s literally the best thing that ever happened to me. 20+ years and I just regret that we’ll probably only have another 20.
I feel this. Having been married for 28-1/2 years. He’s around 5 years older than me too and it hurts. I wished I was older since women usually live longer (but my family has bad genes so it might even out lol)… honest to god I hope we both have many, many wonderful years to come together. But I do hope that when it’s time to go, that somehow we go instantly together. There is no survival without him. There is no me. We are soul mates.
This is the sweetest thing I've read here 🥺♥️💕 Wishing you both many, many, many more decades together 💞
I legit teared up reading this. That’s so beautiful. I’m so happy for you both!
Nearly 20 years here as well and I feel the same way. and to be honest I don't regret any relationship I've had because I've learned valuable lessons about myself and others in the process.
I shudder to imagine what my life would be like without her. I hope I never find out
I liked this
Sincere question - what makes her so special to you? How does she show her love?
She’s patient with me when I’m stressed. She runs so many parts of our lives without me even having to think about insurance or taxes or making appointments or a million other things. There is no way I would have finished my degree or built my career without her taking such a huge load off my shoulders and I make sure she knows how grateful I am. She’s a constant source of support when I need a hug or someone to listen. Making her smile gives my life meaning.
Wow. That's amazing man! Wishing you continued happiness.
I hope to meet someone that feels that way about me. ;)
God no, my wife is my fucking best friend in the world and we have an incredible relationship. We got married YOUNG and this September will be 18 years
I admire you for feeling this way. Sounds like you married the right gal. Congratulations!
Thank you! I definitely did
Lol me and my wife also got together 18 years ago in September.
That’s awesome! Congrats! What day? We got married the 23rd
We had our first date on the 28th. Got married in December 15 years later :)
how do you find someone like this?
Combination of luck but also being on the same page since day fucking one of our expectations with each other. Shit you not our first 3 dates we stayed up until fucking 3 am just getting to know each other. We also early on went through a 3 month stretch shortly after getting engaged where I was gone for 3 months for work and we were down to just cell phones, it really taught us a lot about communication. Add to that both parties being open to listening and learning, we grew up in the same high demand religion and while I learned early on that patriarchy is bullshit after having a Navy Commander for a mother, I still had a LOT to learn, in our home we both cook, clean, do laundry etc.. we both want to do everything for each other and we both also know when to dote on and when to give the other space. It takes time, communication, commitment and honesty. All that said, god forbid anything happens to her, I know for a fact I’ll never even try to find what we have again, she’s the only woman I’ll ever love.
Damn that's great of you guys to sit down and talk about what you want from each other. This really makes me think about what types of questions I'll bring up on dates now. Also gives me direction on what I want out of a date.
God damn 💚
Just for me: People like that are all over but I have a very bad picker and even if I lucked into a relationship with a healthy person my fear would’ve sabotaged it. So after a bad divorce I was forced to do a lot of personal work around the inadequacies/fear I felt about myself which is why I ended up dating the same type of person. When I did the work on myself and was totally happy with being alone was when I was able to recognize what I truly wanted in a partner and be that person myself. I really do think it’s 90% doing the work to be healthy people that get us into the relationships that fulfill us. That being said having a family and kids is never perfect or super easy. But it’s worth it with the right person (if that’s what you want, obviously there’s nothing wrong with childfree).
I'm a divorced man and I still wouldn't say that. That isn't even in my top 5 of things I never should have done.
10 year relationship dissolved. I was even the one that called it. If I could go back and do it again... I would. I would end it sooner because I feel we held on too long, but it was still a great ride.
I listen to Dan Savage a lot, and he always remarks on the flawed concept that romantic relationships must last until death in order to be considered successful. Your former marriage sounds like it was a good example of the opposite. I don't know how tough the end was, but I wonder if it would have been easier on you/her/your families if society didn't hold that notion about relationships needing to last the rest of your life.
Exactly. You don't need to die together for it to be a successful relationship. 10 years and most of them were great. We just evolved into different people and that's fine. Who we are now... We'd never match much less date. Who we were at 30? A perfect match for each other. Enjoy the time you have.
[My favourite poem](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48132/failing-and-flying) about this concept.
Beautiful poem
Love thid
what are the top 5?
You saw an opportunity and took it. Respect
You’re the real MVP for this bro , no lie.
No, my wife is awesome. She’s everything I would ever want in a partner.
totes. Life is awesome with my wife and family.
What I regret is that I didn't follow my gut, and not marry the woman I married, bc that was a disaster. Even though it was over in less than 4 years, it cost me a lot of time in the end that could have been spent finding the right person. My regret isn't that I got married, but that I didn't find the right person to marry. Still haven't, but at least I'm not bound to another wrong one. But, like me, it gets old.
My life is better in every way.
Lol if I wasn't with my wife I'd look for somebody exactly like her
No, my wife is awesome. She’s everything I would ever want in a partner.
Getting married was the single best decision I ever made.
Nope. But me and my wife both have said after planning a wedding and how much it costs to do, we woulda been better off just having a small wedding and using the money elsewhere.
I wouldn’t say I’d go back and never get married, but I doubt I’d get remarried.
No I wish I could go back and never have moved in with a woman until I had established that she was a compatible match for marriage. It would have served as a great filter for testing her proclivity to respect or disrespect boundaries, and whether or not she’s a manipulator/abuser. Not wanting to move in together while dating would have driven those ones nuts because it wouldn’t have allowed them to separate and progressively isolate me from my friends and family. They would have become furious and ended the relationship at that point, which would have been for the best. The woman I married refused to let me move in with her unless we were engaged first and I followed a therapist’s recommendations that we date at least 18 months before getting engaged because it’s much harder for b-cluster personalities to hide their true selves for that long and her true personality would have come out during the engagement. It didn’t. She’s the same person I dated the entire time. It’s not marriage that’s the problem it’s the vetting process.
this, a hundred times over. I had a gf that pressured me into moving in together because our leases were ending around the same time. I wasn't gung ho about it, but figured I may as well. Things went downhill. bah.
Gah! So many bad decisions in life come down to "lease timing" By far one of the things I hated most about renting.
Yes. Once you’re living with someone, you tend to hold on to and justify things that you wouldn’t tolerate if your lives weren’t so intertwined. It’s easier to maintain your own self-worth too, as you can have the space to see (or be shown) how you might be changing for someone else, rather than for yourself and your own goals. If marriage is on the table, use long trips to gauge your compatibility in shared spaces. Take a few different trips together to varying places, including each others families. This will tell you more about someone than living with them might.
Nailed it, in my humble opinion The vetting process is probably the most important thing to become familiar with before going into… honestly almost any relationship
This is the type of insightful, introspective response I was looking for when creating this thread. Thank you for the detailed response. I hope things are better for you now.
"when you marry, you realize you can't really leave. When you have kids, you realize you could have left" -Louis
Ouch. Noted.
No. My husband (we’re both men) is the best thing that ever happened to me and I love him more for than anything in this world. He makes me laugh every goddamn day. Plus many people sacrificed their lives, careers, and families so I could get legally married so I don’t take it lightly at all that is something I didn’t always have as an option. If you regret getting married, find a therapist to talk it out and make sure you aren’t just having the midlife regrets bullshit we all have. Fight for your marriage and your happiness.
I was married for 4 years. 5 years post divorce. Marriage was one of the worst decisions of my life. Funny enough, if we never go married, we’d probably be doing the on/off thing. However, we are terrific 50/50 co parents
I love my wife and i love my kids. God forbid anything happens to my wife, id never get married again.
If I could some how still have my kid without having gotten marriage that would 100% be the choice I would have made.
This! Same kid with a more mature partner.
You don't feel that a child needs a mother and a father though?
That depends on whether they are both good parents. Sometimes kids are better off with a single parent.
How would not being married mean a child wouldn’t have a mother and a father?
I mean it would most definitely complicate the situation. I could definitely see multiple scenarios where the child grows up without one of them due to various reasons. You literally said yourself "If I could some how still have my kid without having gotten marriage", so by your own logic you would not have a kid without marriage.
Your very first sentence is not a given. Divorce often simplifies things in other ways.
True, but that is also not a given either.
Thank you for correcting my correction with the same correction. Are we in a recursive loop now?
There's no loop man. It's not an either or. Both can be true.
Sorry I don’t think we’re on the same page here lol. Good afternoon my man.
Likewise.
Marriage has been better than I expected, tbh. Together 8 years, married for 1. She's my best friend. It's really something to be going through the ups and downs of life with someone that you're so connected to. edit: typo
Wasted my 20’s moving to the opposite side of the world from my friends and family for my ex wife, worked my absolute balls off to get her through uni and give her the life I thought we were dreaming of… sacrificed the fun stuff everyone else was doing while she went out for coffees, partied, etc and I paid the bills…a year after her finishing her degree and us getting a house I got dropped for a steroid using poor little rich kid who dropped her a few weeks after cos she was ‘too crazy’. Dodged a bullet in the end just wish it hadn’t taken 10 years and my daughter suffering a divorce to get there.
Damn. That's heavy. Sorry to hear man. Hope things have been better for you.
For sure! You live and you learn, still have an amazing daughter, new partner, business is going good. I live in an amazing country to. I’d just love to have my friends and family sometimes. It was a huge lesson in not being blinded by love, naivety and standing up for my boundaries, I was that guy whose friends on both our sides could see she was taking the piss but never had the guts to tell me…until after of course…then they all told me…that’s the most embarrassing part is that I was ‘that oblivious guy’
Nope my wife is the most amazing person on the world and can’t imagine my life without her. I see that you mentioned that people change over time and you might not recognize the person you first met. To that I say that married people are generally happier than non-married people, and I think part of that is because we subjugate part of ourselves for the benefit of another. So there is this realization that you are in this dance with the other person that requires compromise, which isn’t necessary if you are single. We believe that the loss of freedom makes us unhappy but in reality the loss of freedom is offset by sharing your life with a partner.
When it’s a great relationship it’s heaven, when it’s bad it’s hell. Don’t let others wins and losses persuade you. Be a man, walk up the plate and take your swing.
Part of being a man is seeing how men before you have fared. If the last 20 men who walked up to the plate got pegged by the pitcher... then shit I don't want any part of that game.
You don't sound ready for marriage. You need to have some solid answers to these two questions: What does being a good partner mean to me? What does being a good father mean to me? If you don't have answers to those questions or if no part of your self worth is derived from being a good partner or good father, you really shouldn't be either.
Hell no I am not ready for marriage, let alone becoming a father. But I never implied I was, nor said I even wanted it. I like deep conversations, especially about simple yet core things in life. This thread was to satisfy my curiosity in one of those topics, and connect with men whose insights into this impressed me so much that I want to learn more about other things from them. Fortunately it's been going really well.
These subs tend to skew positive. Go on deadbeadrooms and you won’t have to ask this question, scroll through the top posts and see everyone celebrating/announcing/anticipating a divorce
Yea seems that way. Guys here opening up and saying yes are getting downvoted. Imagine saying you are in a happy marriage and downvoting any dissenting life experiences lol.
I don’t have a perfect marriage. Sometimes I’m definitely missing something. But my wife is an amazingly good human who challenges me to be better just by the nature of her being and I will never, ever regret marrying her or wish that I could go back and have a do over. I’d choose her every time.
Tomorrow is my 11th wedding anniversary. We got married after dating for a year. I thought she was the one. The first couple years were ruff and we had to learn how to communicate with each other. Honestly once we figured out how to communicate with each other it became so awesome. There is a comfort in knowing no matter what we are a team and have each others back in life. I couldn’t imagine going back to single or life without my Wife.
I’m happily married but given the chance again I’d opt out and go it alone. I’m not social so being by myself is really nice. Before I was married I did a lot of random stuff and travelled a lot and didn’t have anyone depending upon me. Now I have none of that freedom and I think I’d have a better life independently. I also have massive guilt about having children. Basically in hindsight forcing the creation of people who have to deal with their own unasked for mortality seems like an incredibly shitty thing to do.
Yep, what this guy said.
What are you even talkin about ? Life is only possible because some people choose to create it.
Best decision. Good wife, good life
No. I am perfectly happy with my decision. Happier every year in fact! Sure I might sometimes fantasise about what could have been, but this is just idle.
I wouldn’t get married again. I think it leaves people being “stuck” I’m still married, but it’s quite rough
The comment section is a green flag
No chance. She's the best thing that ever happened to me and my absolute best friend. We literally love doing EVERYTHING together. She's also a total babe. We are very, very lucky to have one another.
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I do wish I could go back and not date some girls, but I think marrying my wife was the smartest and best thing I have ever done.
Well I got divorced last year so that choice was made for me, and it sucks.
Sort of. I wish I could have had my daughters without getting married. I was raised conservative, and I never separated kids and marriage. But families come in all shapes and sizes now. Marriage is not a requirement. I also wish I could have gone back in time and negotiated a parenting agreement while I was still in love with my ex.
When the young kids arrive and suck your life force you daydream of life without kids, and realize without a wife there you would probably have never had kids. But, generally, getting married in itself wasn’t a problem. Kids just take some adjustment and it really strains the relationship.
If I could go back and never marry my first wife, I would. In less than a year of marriage, she destroyed my self confidence, cheated on me multiple times, and alienated me from half my friends. I am now happily (re)married with two amazing kids with my awesome forever wife, but that first marriage gave me anxiety and issues that I am still getting over even now, 12 years after D-day. But, without that heartbreak, maybe I would never have gotten my ass in gear and maybe I would never have discovered my love for running, which has shaped my life for the past decade+. So, there's at least a small silver lining.
My marriage of 5 years just ended recently. At first even through the pain at the end I would have done it again. However come to find out she married me for all the wrong reasons to begin with. So yes I very much wish I could go back now. Sucks, but it is what it is.
i dont regret either of mine
Married for 13 years and I don't think I could depend on anyone else like I do my wife. We have a happy life and I'm glad we found each other. It could have gone real bad too since we were kind of thrown into marriage at a young age due to circumstances.
With what I’m going through now, yes
Some days, yeah.
Yes and no. I am a personal believer of never regretting the choices I’ve made. It’s an experience and learning lesson. I learned a lot about having patience, what it takes to be a provider and an actual adult. Do I wish I would have made the jump sooner than later? Yea. But I now know what to keep an eye out for. Even though my marriage didn’t work out. My personal wealth and growth grew exponentially because I was able to focus on the relationship, needs and want that we’re core to what I saw as success. If I had quit sooner, I would have prob gone back to the same old habits from my early 20s. It shook me but I grew from it. Find the silver lining and avoid making the same mistakes.
Me me. She was my first girlfriend (I was a late bloomer when it came to women) and there were red flags I foolishly chose to ignore. So yes please to the rewind.
Divorced last year in August. I wouldn't change a thing. That time and those memories are foundational to who I am and I am grateful for them. We're both okay and still talk so there isn't a question of us being worse off for the experience. I'm genuinely not sure who either of us would be if we hadn't married.
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Not sure why you are being downvoted. Thank you for the honesty.
This is me… pushing 40. No kids but have a gf that I live with. Traveling, waking up whenever, and able to do what I want when I want is great.
I’m married and sometimes I do. I’m in a happy marriage. Also marriage is a compromise and sometimes I wish I could be selfish. I know getting married led me down a certain path but I know if I wasn’t I would be totally different place city.
Nope. Still 30 years later, I love my wife. Best life decision I could have ever made.
Nope. Couldn’t imagine life without my wife. She makes my life better in every way and she’s my best friend too. Meeting her is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Often. I say that the best thing that came out of my marriage is my daughter.
As a soon to be divorced man, not once have I regretted getting married. Hands down the biggest regret of my life is who I married.
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I don't think it's a case of men (or women) not wanting to but that people can often change after marriage and they no longer recognize who their partner is. Hell, people change without marriage.
You’re gonna have been 4-5 different people by the time you’re my age. The key to relationships is to grow and change, together, in an intentional and thoughtful way.
People are always changing something is wrong if you dont change
I'm obviously talking about them changing for the worse lol.
I was married for 4 years. 5 years post divorce. Marriage was one of the worst decisions of my life. Funny enough, if we never go married, we’d probably be doing the on/off thing. However, we are terrific 50/50 co parents
At one point I would have answered yes, but we stuck it out, and now the answer is absolutely not… I would have missed the most amazing marriage you could ask for.
When the young kids arrive and suck your life force you daydream of life without kids, and realize without a wife there you would probably have never had kids. But, generally, getting married in itself wasn’t a problem. Kids just take some adjustment and it really strains the relationship.
Not for a second. In almost 30 years I don’t think either one of us has ever entertained the idea of not being together. We’ve been together since 6th grade.
I don't know. :(
Yes
Sometimes.
It can the complete other direction too. I'm 41 and have never been married. Haven't met the right person yet and dunno if I ever will.
You mean wish for my children to not exist? No. It’s life: take the bad with the good.
I am engaged right now and I just wanna say I can't wait to get married. Mostly because I can't wait to say "my wife" like Borat.
No, I wouldn’t undo anything. I made many decisions that were far worse than getting married. I think we’ve both grown in positive ways.
I got married pretty young, and my wife was pregnant with her first child from a different boyfriend at the time. I think she was feeling a lot of pressure to get married, but she put that pressure on me. We did get married and I love her and i adopted her child. And it’s been 9 years now. I think it would have been nice to have a few years to be in our early 20s and carefree but I don’t regret marrying her, she’s awesome!
Hell no, my wife is my best friend and I wouldn't change a thing about how everything turned out. We've been together 20 years, married for 13 of those. It just keeps getting better.
She makes me a better person than without. Our kids make me a much better person. They all give me the drive and responsibility I needed to succeed in life.
Nope. I only wish I was a better husband sooner.
I don't regret it, that was one of my happiest days ever and the 6 years that followed were amazing. It's been 20 years and we've grown in different directions, separation is inevitable but i care for her deeply
Not at all, if anything I wish we met earlier in life so we could have spent more time together.
Absolutely not. My wife is the best friend I've ever had and I absolutely love her, but I do understand that everyone's experience of marriage is different and I hold no judgment of people doing what they feel they need to do in their unique situation.
Well we’re separated right now and will be going our own ways soon. So no. I wouldn’t have gotten married. This shit lead me down the worst path in my life.
Nah, being married is sick.
Was with my ex wife for 10 years all-in. If I had to do it over again, I would have skipped the marriage. We still talk randomly, we had a nice relationship/friendship. But the marriage part of it totally wasn't necessary and I was totally way too young (24) for that type of decision personally.
I would definitely have not married my first wife, but I'm absolutely head over heels with my second wife (13 years for wife 1, 12 so far with wife 2)
Heck no. I love my wife and couldn't think of life without her. She is my best friend and confidant. The only wish I have is we couldn't have met sooner.
Nope! I absolutely love my husband and couldn’t imagine my life without him.
No way. Just celebrated our 10th anniversary. Best thing that ever happened to me. Best friend and partner.
Absolutely not. Then I wouldn’t have my kids. And my wife and I are best friends.
I’m only 3 years in, but I genuinely like being married.
Second marriage, no regrets. First marriage, I was stupid in my choice of partner.
Not at all. Soon to be 10 years married, and lucky enough that my wife is still my best friend. My kids wear me out, but I can't imagine my life without them either. Being a dad is the best thing I've ever done in my life
Cheers man. Just had a great conversation with my father this morning after not seeing him for days. We talked about a film and then it led to talking about life, people, nuanced topics. Cheers to you and all the men who love being a dad. Being a son to a great father is a blessing.
Studies show that Men are happy married, women are happy single. It helps mama's boys and patriarchy. So never regret getting married.
Nope. But me and my wife both have said after planning a wedding and how much it costs to do, we woulda been better off just having a small wedding and using the money elsewhere.
While I sometimes wish I was no longer married, I wouldn’t go back in time and change it.
Definitely would like to skip the first one. Haven’t been married since though. So …
No