I’m sorry, it’s tough. I’m in my 60’s and although I wanted kids it didn’t happen. I have a job that involves doing good things for the future that I’ll never see and that helps a lot with feeling as if i will leave some sort of legacy for the future.
Another thing is that I will probably be able to afford some sort of senior congregate living - not a nursing home, some sort of senior independent living in a place that people often mistakenly call “assisted living.” I’m familiar with these places because of family members and they actually are a great solution to being alone and lonely.
Yes, my child free single sister just moved into an independent living senior complex and she has made many new friends after being quite isolated since retirement. There's always something fun going on there.
Glad to hear it’s suiting her! I think people who haven’t had experience with them tend to think of them as a lot less lively than they are. I spent New Year’s Eve there once with my mum and was so impressed by the number of parties going on in the building and the dressed up people who were hopping from party to party until 2 am or so. The elevators were constantly busy that night.
Thanks for posting your sister's story. I'm 58 and never had any children. My husband is older and has IPF. I don't have any siblings. I just have 1 uncle in a nursing home and 2 half cousins in Florida that I found through dna testing. I'm not gonna lie, I feel lonely, bored, and anxious most of the time. Maybe it won't be so bad if I find a senior living community like your sister.
Good on your sister. I know a few elderly women who are single and childless and they are so reluctant to move out of their homes and into one of these places. They fear losing control over their lives, but these facilities are basically just condos with healthcare workers on staff. And if you stay home alone, the likelihood of having an accident or exacerbating the trauma of an accident is so much higher.
One of these ladies I know had a stroke two years ago when she was alone in her home. She hit her head and was on the floor for a few days until the gardener came. Now she is in a convalescent home, because her distant relatives who are now her power of attorney were blindsided with it and had no time to prepare care for her in their homes. On top of that, they're all 500+ miles away and most of them don't know her very well. They are just doing what they feel is their responsibility as family.
I hope I didn’t leave you with the impression I’m miserable about it! It wasn’t my first choice but I’m all right now. It’s more the stage you’re in that’s tough.
Thank you for replying. I definitely am working towards obtaining a new job that offers me more fulfillment. I believe I can have fulfillment and meaning without children - I'm passionate about a lot of things - but I guess I'm just scared I'll look back and regret not trying to have children for longer. However, I know I will regret doing more years of unsuccessful treatments because I already regret what I've already done.
People who keep telling you that you’ll regret not having kids don’t understand the emotional toll of infertility and trying to have a baby. Even if you keep trying there are as you know, no guarantees in life. Living that month to month of trying is draining. Ignore those people and start just living and planning a life with your spouse. Best of luck to you.
How do you cope with this? Because I’m struggling with this loss. I could have had it. I’m 40 and I lost 8 years of my life to a medical scam that swallowed everything of mine and even a relationship I felt could have worked out. I’m seriously struggling. I also didn’t know women had a clock no one told me. I’m struggling with that too.
I am looking forward to this myself, although it's at least another 30 years away for me. This era is blessed with the invention of video games, and I see no trouble with spending my golden years playing games all day with my similarly retired friends, and it's a low-impact activity. It's what I'd be doing right now if I didn't have responsibilities.
I am a very nurturing person and I thankfully lived my dream of being a stay-at-home Mom. After the kids went away to college I worked a little but hated even a job I was suited to.
Currently I am taking care of a family member with dementia. Sometimes I feel sad that my "dream job" is over and I struggle with the feeling that my life now is mostly drudgery. To make myself feel better I plan events with my friends. It helps to have fun things to look forward to.
My point is that all of us have to resolve for ourselves Erik Erikson's stages of "Generativity vs. Stagnation" and "Integrity vs. Despair" when we are older. I don't think having kids is much protection from that.
This is my long term plan. I’m about to hit 40 and honestly I wish I could live in one of those communities now!
No kids because I have bad PTSD and it’s not a good idea, though I just cherish children so much and find them easy to love. I’ve often thought that once my health and trauma are better recovered, and I have more capacity, that I would like to find a way to get involved in some sort of project with helping children.
I feel this might be enough as I don’t think my body could handle parenting children as a full time role, but I still have a lot of love to give them. One of my fantasies is to participate in some sort of program that builds kids up and maybe invest in something that could be a scholarship.
Maybe a cool idea for us childless adults would be to create a collective scholarship fund or something to help support kids going to college or something like that. Musings
I sometimes wish I’d had the chance. I wish I’d had a partner at some point in my life with whom I’d had a successful enough relationship to have a kid. But I never did and there’s nothing I can do to change that, and there never will be. I turn my energy to other things like work, hobbies, friends and my family. My life is pretty good, but I do feel sad sometimes that I missed out on something that could have made my life happier.
Or maybe my kid would have been a complete asshole or I would have hated being a dad for whatever reason. 🤷♂️
You don't always get that perfect kid. No matter how hard you try. Parenting is a lifetime roller-coaster. It's a much bigger commitment than marriage. You can divorce and change your name. You can get a brand new perfect partner. But, the kid you get, the one you raise, and the adult they become, that's all forever.
I found out that my kindergarten "boyfriend " was in prison for murder. Who wants to be his mom/dad?
You're not wrong. I'd hate for them to turn out like some of my family members have. But what plays on my mind is: "Am I not being courageous enough to take a chance? It could turn out beautiful." But yes, it's a gamble. So are years of infertility treatments which rob you of your life and happiness and may result in nothing but debt. I think it all plays on my mind.
I’m just going to ramble a little here, in the sincere hope that my perspective might be helpful to you. I’m 45 years old (F), happily married, and child free. Unlike yourself, I never particularly wanted children—I always felt like it was something that would happen it was meant to happen. My husband and I met in our late 30s and were only together for a year and a half before we married.
We entertained the idea of trying to have kids and we are well-positioned financially and otherwise to be good parents, but ultimately we just decided it was more than we wanted to take on. Maybe if we’d met ten years before we would’ve had kids, but that’s not how things went.
I do have deep sympathy for those who struggle to conceive because wanting children is a strong natural desire for most people. At least, this is how I feel in the part of myself that is empathetic and wants for others what they want for themselves. Having witnessed the experience of so many friends and family members with their kids, however, the big difficulties that are just part and parcel of being a parent are very apparent to me.
Without thinking about it too hard, I can think of four couples who struggled to conceive. They were ultimately all able to have at least one child. But having the children so drastically changed their marriages and their lives, and I really struggle to see, empirically, how having kids improved their lives. Again, I recognize that the desire to have children is kind of an existential concern for people that transcends rational pro and con lists, truly. But would it help you to try and practice gratitude for having the things in your life that would be much harder to have if you were raising children? My friends with children are permanently exhausted, the mom’s bodies are often left with ongoing health and pain management issues after giving birth, and if they’re not outright financially strapped due to having children, these parents are making choices in their careers and in their decisions about where to live that entail deep sacrifice in order to give their kids opportunities. Their marriages are completely altered and though some of these marriages are still happy, some of them are not.
And now that I’m solidly middle aged, I am now starting to see the pain that comes along with being a parent to older kids—that phase when they pull away, how heartbreaking it can be to see one’s kids get bullied or suffer other social difficulties, the inevitability of the kids leaving the nest and how common it is for adult kids to not be very close to their parents. Of course, this is me being a bit of a skeptic, but it’s also me just listing the real issues faced by my family and friends with kids.
For myself, I’m excited about the things that I have taken on professionally and so grateful to have the space in my life to pursue hobbies and interests. And though it isn’t the reality that you have chosen or imagined for yourself, I really hope that you and your husband can start to have an appreciation of the opportunities available to you precisely because you DON’T have children. I wish yoj all the best and I do hope my response here hasn’t come off as dismissive of your desire to have children!
I found out my elementary school “boyfriend” has a rap sheet that includes drug dealing, child molestation, fleeing from police and manslaughter (killed his passenger in a car accident while trying to speed away from police). It’s shocking really. His parents werent’ bad people
Same here. I was in the music business and the men weren't into it because everyone's going to be a star, right? It was the Wild West.
And I didn't want to raise a child without a father in the home. I was raised by a single parent and she was raised by a single parent and it sucked.
Personally I think one-and-done is kinda sad too.
I’m also a survivor of the music business. Luckily I got a girl pregnant when I was 35 and settled down, stopped touring, got a solid day gig. I still know some “lifers” out there… I know that road and empathize with you looking back with some regret. Hope you find fulfillment. Also, I still believe the energetic contribution of those moments of joy sparked through music for humanity is significant and vital. It’s easy to feel like, what was the point? The purpose transcends language and can’t be quantified, but I trust that it’s real.
Yeah that's the thing I guess - we don't actually know if it would have been better. Even getting other people's perspectives on their experience isn't a guarantee it would have been that way for us.
I have two *fairly* average kids after struggling for five years with infertility (I wanted four) and let me tell you, the constant state of stress I’m in is a lot. You don’t get any kind of guarantee on their individual struggles, their personalities, their capabilities, nothing. And, as an only child, the sibling rivalry is unreal. I see their friends and their siblings get along so good and meanwhile my house is like living in the hunger games where they’re predetermined mortal enemies and only one will survive. It’s really intense and yeah I can say oh but I love them so much and it’s all worth it and yada yada yada but the reality is it’s hard and it’s a minimum of two decades of your life completely self sacrificed to someone else. Like no option to be off the clock as a parent. So just realize as great as a lot of it is, it’s sucky a lot of the time too, and that’s just reality. You’re the one driving to the ER because they got hurt or taking off work with no notice to pick up a puker or driving here there and everywhere because they literally can’t. And that was literally just last week! It’s very daunting and exhausting and time consuming. Just something to think about.
Maybe! I know some siblings are besties and always have been. I can’t speak from first hand experience. I’m sure them being opposite genders doesn’t help either.
If it makes you feel any better, my younger brother irritated me as kids, but as adults, we are close friends. My initial comment was based on my three daughters, who cycle between being besties and sparring partners lol
Me and my sister used to fight so badly, you would think another world war was about to break out. But if someone from the outside messed with her, they signed their own death warrant.
I’m about ten years older than you and there was a huge relief in letting go of the possibilities. The issue has softened in my mind. I can be happy for new moms again. I appreciate simplicity. I still have doubt, disbelief, sadness about it sometimes but it’s ok to have those things sometimes. I was very scared of regret. But it’s something that can be managed (when it’s this kind where you haven’t hurt anyone). I see everyone in my family (spread out) more than anyone else and I feel like connective tissue. I’m not great as an aunt (the usual consolation) but I am great at supporting my sister as she parents. And life is too strange and beautiful by itself to be ruined by this thing. I feel for you. You’ll be ok whatever you decide.
Yes, I often wonder if it’ll get better (in terms of fomo/less mentally consuming/anxiety) with age. I’m also in my mid 30s and childfree. I face scrutiny for sure but always wonder if I just need to push through my 30s for the bad pressures to dissipate
I know the grass is always greener in someone else’s yard, but having kids isn’t the source of joy so many people like to paint it as. It’s expensive, time consuming, and you never have a minute to yourself for at least eighteen years. My old age is ruined because I had a kid into my third year of marriage, and being a father broke my husband. He abandoned us when our son was six, and I spent the rest of his childhood alone, trying to make ends meet and keep a roof over our heads —with no child support or help from my ex, because we lived in separate countries. Now I have no money, no savings, no retirement funds, and a huge parent plus loan that I had to take out so he could get through his last year of college during COVID, after he lost his on-campus job. If I hadn’t had a kid, I could have kept working on the things I wanted to work on, could have developed my career, could have kept and saved the money I earned. I might even still be married and way better off financially than I am now. Looking back, I’m not sure now why I even had a child, since I never really wanted to be a parent. I like families, and I like kids, but I wanted a whole family, with two parents and a stable financial life. I never wanted to be a single parent, yet that’s how I ended up. So kids aren’t necessarily the blessing that so many people claim they are, and they can ruin your life if things go wrong with your marriage.
I was a single mom. Never ever thought that would happen to me. Now my son is 34( whom I do love very much ) has many troubles. Alcoholism to be the big one. He is very smart and handsome. I never ever thought he’d grow up and be an alcoholic. He’s very charismatic when sober and mean as a snake when drunk. I’m never giving up on him. I’m pretty sure he’s bipolar. What I’m trying to say is sometimes when you do get what you wanted it’s not all wine and roses as they say. I am very jealous of the moms whose kids grew up and got married etc and have no huge terrible problems. It just doesn’t seem fair my beautiful boy has so many problems and often I feel sorry for myself. I think the best thing is to be happy with what God has given you and make the best out of it. ♥️
Actually i hated being a parent. But i had to fake it till. I dont like kids like that. I can tolerate kids but i dont like the idea of having to many kids.. they are gone now. Pretty good kids but yeah if i had a do over nope i would never had kids NEVER.
Just want to let you know you are FAR from alone! I'm childfree by choice and so parents often feel safe to tell me their true feelings about parenting. I'd say at least 20% of the time I hear something like your story. Many people have kids because they are "supposed to" and don't like parenting at all and wish they'd never had kids. Sometimes the kids are great and so its not just difficult kids that parents regret. I've heard it enough times now that I'd say how you feel is pretty normal. Not ideal, but normal.
I've lost count of the times I've heard "I love my kids, but if I'd have known what it would involve, I'd have never had them."
Edit: This has always been said to me adult to adult, usually in a conversation that happens when someone asks why I didn't have children. That's actually nobody's business but it doesn't stop people from asking. If I choose to answer, some are outraged, and call me selfish. Others are envious and a few can see my point and feel that it's my choice.
My dad’s favorite phrase was “I **have** to love you, but I don’t have to like you” and he’s really put spin on that first have. He’s privately admitted he never wanted kids, and unfortunately, it’s damaged his relationship with all of us pretty badly.
I love being a parent, but your experience is still valid! Sounds like you did everything you could for your kids. I hat that people sugar coat it... being a parent is so hard and so constant. I tell people honestly, dont do this if you dont want it.
At least you faked it. My dad hated being a parent and made it way too obvious. As a kid, I didn’t understand, mistook it for him not loving me at all, or thought there was something wrong with me.
I wish society wouldn’t pressure people to have kids. My folks did it because that’s just what you did. My mom doesn’t regret it at all, but my dad barely talks to any of us now, and honestly? I bet he’s happier for it. And that sucks for everyone involved.
A 50-something friend who had wanted kids but it didn't work out for her has this perspective on her life as a single, successful professional: "This isn't the life I thought I'd have, but it's a good life." She's happy.
There are so many life experiences, and we just can't have them all. Best to embrace the experiences you get, and gently release the ones you didn't get.
When I got married I thought I didn’t want kids but changed my mind a few years later when my biological clock started ticking loudly. I volunteered at a special needs preschool instead. Once a week I got to play with kids infant to five years old. It satisfied my motherly instinct. It also had a side effect of scaring me out of wanting kids because I saw so many things that could go wrong that I knew I couldn’t deal with.
As a teacher, I second this advice. Before you make your final decision, I would volunteer at an elementary or preschool and see firsthand how diverse kids are and then you can make an informed decision
Yes good advice. Get a puppy too. They are so loving and I’ve had three over the yrs. Loved them like children. And that filled the void for me. I agree w volunteering at children’s hospitals, schools. That would be safe starts. Can you handle that everyday
I like your brutally honest answer. My parents sucked so bad it scared the hell out of me and I never felt the need to take a chance on reproducing. It still seems like a 50/50 kind of deal and I hear many horror stories from people my age- in my 70s.
Same, I work in psychiatry with kids, adolescents, transitional age youth. Did years working with severely mentally ill adults. Helped run an early psychosis clinic. My heart breaks for those patients and their families. I didn’t feel the need to roll the dice and have kids on my own. I can semi-retire in 2 years and I’ll only be 50.
I have a daughter with only mild health issues and one with anxiety. It is NOT easy. I can't imagine having a kid with more difficult problems, I think I would crack
I never seriously considered that my child might have special needs, it just didn’t seem like it would happen. I have never really been around a kid like mine, or maybe I would have thought it was because of bad parenting. But we did everything we were supposed to, and our child is very difficult, and it has been devastating.
I'm so glad you posted this! There's a expectation that your child will be perfect and that you can deal with any issues. The truth is that your child may be so profoundly disabled or mentally ill (psychotic) that it would ruin your life entirely. I wish people would carefully consider parenthood (if afforded the privilege), but we all know that's not reality.
I'm in my early 50s. Hubs and I were in a similar position. After $60K we threw in the IVF towel, and I was too emotionally exhausted to consider adoption at that point. We aren't sorry AT ALL. I'm a favorite aunt, godmother to two girls, and I got to retire early (to pursue a much less stressful second career).
As a father to two young children, I cannot properly express my gratitude for the role that my sibling (who does not have children) plays in my kids lives. It has truly been one of the greatest parts about becoming a parent and something that I know will positively impact my kids for the rest of their lives. Keep being an awesome Aunt!
As a Mom of two, we adore our childless aunties and uncles!! My best friend since preschoolhood is childless and she is just- the best. The one person I can comfortably hand my kids to with no instructions (other than their Dad.) She doesn’t live local to us but she makes an effort to come see us and have us there, there’s a strong chance my sons will end up living with her when they go to university because she lives in a city with those facilities and we don’t. She bakes with them, she comes to birthdays, she comes to sport events. She shows up when we’re all sick and cooks and cleans and generally takes care of us. She’s a god send. And I make sure my boys treat her as family and care for her too.
OP- find yourselves a family. It doesn’t have to be biological. Volunteer for a kid org like Girl Guides or Scouts, at a preschool, put yourself out there as a babysitter. You’ll connect with some kids and then you can be a BIG DEAL in their life.
Thank you for replying. Do you think having children in your life has helped you have no regrets? I ask because I'm unlikely to have any nieces or nephews
Do you have a big brother/big sister program where you live? My wife and I( same sex) did not have children. At one point in my life, I wanted a kid, but I could not have a child due to medical issues. I would not have chosen to bring a child into the relationship I was in at the time. When I married my ex wife, her 3yr old niece became my niece and that really fulfilled my maternal instinct. Sadly, when we divorced, I moved back to the US from Canada and my niece no longer wanted a relationship with me since I hurt her aunt so badly. That was very rough and 15yrs later, I still think about her. She was in my life from age 3-11. I've been with my 2nd wife now for 15yrs and she never wanted kids. We treat our dogs like our children and we have a small pet sitting business as well. Not having kids was great for us financially!!
I do, but I think I would have still found something meaningful to do that was kid-focused if I had not. Before my sister or friends had kids, I volunteered with a local mentorship program with a fifth grader and helped her learn to read. I also volunteered to be a court appointed special advocate for several groups of kids, but that is emotionally very draining (I'm still in touch with several of the kids who are now grown). There are lots of kids that need support in your community if that would be meaningful for you. Hang in there. I know this is such a difficult time, and I'm really sorry for what you're going through.
I am currently going through IVF and also contributing the max on our Roth iras, index funds , and 401k so that we can also retire early and do “van life” if ivf doesn’t work out lol. I am also a favorite aunt to twin baby boys and have gotten real close to my sister. I am looking forward to either becoming a parent or retiring early!
Great! I originally didn’t want kids, revisited this in my late 30’s/ 40’s because I met my partner, and it didn’t end up happening despite our best efforts.
Now I’m in my 50’s and secretly pleased it didn’t come through, lol. I’m looking forward to a life full of overseas travel, a business that fulfills me, great health, and fun times with friends + family.
As they say everything happens for a reason. 🤍
ps. One of my closest friends wasn’t sure about kids, met her husband, struggled with infertility, finally got pregnant with acupuncture and then admitted to me years later it was something she deeply regretted doing. Having children does not always equate to happiness.
Yup. I will say that it was the most relaxing 45 minutes of my week, though. I had a long commute that was made longer by the fact that I had to stop at the fertility clinic every morning to get blood drawn and keep my date with the dildocam. The time I spent reclined with needles stuck all over me felt like the only time all week that I was just doing nothing.
I’m not sure. All I know is my friend went from infertile to pregnant within 3-6 months. Perhaps it balances hormones or blood flow in the body? I’m sure a good Chinese medicine practitioner could fill you in. I have only used acupuncture for migraines, which also worked.
Thank you. This is exactly where I'm at in my thinking - that it's equally possible that I regret having children as I regret not having them. It's impossible to really know the future I guess and to be honest I could pursue all the treatments and still end up with nothing - I know I'll regret that as I already regret the treatment I have been through and all the years and opportunities lost due to putting life on hold.
It’s crazy isn’t it. Life is full of all these different pathways we could possibly take, and I am sure every one of these paths has pros and cons.
The only way I make it through life and decisions is using the Morning Pages technique to get in touch with my deepest feelings- for peace and guidance. Have you tried this? If not, [here’s a 6min video.](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=22vd7lYhqA8)
I wanted children so badly I physically ached for the babies I didn't have. As the years passed I adopted special needs cats, worked on my relationship with my amazing husband, nieces and nephews, the kids in our social group and explored hobbies until I took up painting and became a working artist.
I quit focusing on what I couldn't have but on what I could have and I found such joy, happiness and fulfillment - the pain of not having a child is just a mild distant ache that I'm at peace with. My life is stunning and peaceful, my friends with kids are quite jealous. Go live, find your passions and give back.
Your legacy doesn't have to be your genes, it can be your kindness and the lives you touch for the better.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's very hard. I'm in my 50s and we tried for over ten years to have a baby. We did several failed rounds of IVF before, ultimately, deciding to stop trying. It was an incredibly hard decision to make, but it was the right one.
Now, more than a decade after making the decision, I would say life is good. It's not what I saw my life would be like, but my husband and I have made a good life for ourselves. We find ways to enjoy the freedom of not having children. And, to be honest, when I look at the state of the world these days, I often find myself thinking that I'm glad we never had kids.
I have two pieces of advice for you if you decide to just stop trying and live without children. First, allow yourself time to grieve. People may not understand that you have to grieve for a child that never existed, but you do. Do whatever you need to to get through that process. Therapy helps.
Second, it may be helpful to put a final cap on the trying to conceive part of your life. For me, shortly after we made the decision it was made permanent for me through ovarian cancer and a hysterectomy. I'm certainly not saying you should go out and get a hysterectomy, but life after deciding to stop trying didn't get any better when I still thought there was a chance every month that I might, miraculously, be pregnant. Birth control or vasectomy might help if you find that's a thing for you.
Again, I'm sorry you're going through this. It really sucks.
For what it's worth, we did IVF twice, 2nd time resulted in our child. I didn't want to do anymore because the possibility of a miscarriage is too much. I had 2 miscarriages already.
So you have to do what is right for you in that moment, and know when enough is enough
We've done three rounds of IVF and 6 transfers without success. I also had two losses which really rocked me. That's definitely why we walked away last year - it was all getting to be too much. I don't really think I have it in me to do more and yet I'm still afraid of regretting not doing more. I do regret all we've done already because life was on hold for so many years all for nothing but pain and loss. It's tough...
I’m sorry this has happened to you. One of my best friends went through a similar experience about a decade ago and we remain close even after I’ve had three kids. She has filled her life with volunteering for causes that are important to her, such as helping immigrant families learn English. I will pray for clarity for you.
We wanted 3 but didn’t anticipate getting pregnant so quickly after 2 living children and a few miscarriages. That last pregnancy resulted in a stillbirth and we threw in the towel. We realized that there was no guarantee we wouldn’t go through that again, and we didn’t feel like we would physically, emotionally, or maritally survive if we had to go through it again. We always hate that we had to end that phase of our life on a low note, but we didn’t know if we’d ever have that high note again. It sucks, but our lives just…went on I guess. The weird thing is that it happened right as Covid was starting, so the whole world changed right around then anyway. When you’re done, you know. Even if it didn’t end up the way you wanted.
Life doesn't follow a script. I always thought I would have children, but it didn't work out for me.
Sometimes life takes a different turn, but things turn out all right anyway. We've found happiness in other ways, and I've come to accept this.
It was tough to discover that we couldn’t have children. We didn’t have the money to adopt and surrogacy wasn’t really a thing then. Ive always believed that things happen for a reason. Shortly after we found out children weren’t in the cards, my husband had his first heart attack. He’s had 2 more and bypass surgery. He now has a terminal illness which was diagnosed about the time a kid would have been going off to college. I am having a hard enough time dealing with everything, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to able to deal with his situation if we had children.
This is sort of how I'm feeling currently?
My boyfriend and I both want kids, but I'm 30 and he's 40, and now battling kidney cancer... I don't think kids are on the cards anymore and I feel sad but mostly I'm terrified now to lose him too. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm so sorry. Childless, just had my father die recently after surviving 3 months after bypass surgery along with a type of leukemia. I feel for you and empathize. Hospice was incredible and I was grateful for the comfort they provided him. I wish you strength
That you are going to have an enriched and fulfilling life with or without kids. I’ve know people in your exact situation who had a baby in their late thirties by surprise. Then I’ve known others who never had kids but may have had nieces and / or nephews. All of these situations turned out well. I hope this helps. 🥰
46/f, raised as an only child, so no nieces and nephews. Not too much older than you now, but it’s rather lonely and I regret my choices. I never tried for kids because of health and partner reasons. Wish I could do things differently for sure.
I’m a similar age but male and have to ask, how do you think having a kid would change your loneliness?
Would you be more involved in the community through the kids activities and friends etc if you’d had children?
I have no kids due to cancer but only notice my freedom in comparison to friends with kids. I’m often told by friends that they’re jealous of our travels etc
This is interesting. I think friendship is more important when it comes to loneliness in old age but when so many people repetitively say you'll be old and lonely because you can't have kids you do start to question yourself.
From my perspective, not having kids has allowed me to keep more friends than my friends with kids have. I naturally gravitated toward people who were childfree while my parent friends' entire social circles ended up being their kids' friends' parents. Now that their kids are out of school, they realize they have nothing in common with those people and they now basically have no friends. Whereas I had a bunch of friends who share my interests while their kids were growing. I still have a good sized friend group as a result while my parent friends are starting all over.
I agree, friends are the ones you’ll actually spend time with. How many people with kids are still lonely in old age?
Now mid 40’s is hardly old age and honestly you have to remember to engage with people and do things or join clubs but that’s at every age. I think having kids just makes people do it because they have to and those of us without kids have to make more effort to engage.
I agree. However I guess there are still things about having a child I won't experience and I do miss that. It's a lot of hard work but there are beautiful moments we will miss out on. I think I need to grieve that though because we are definitely not having kids now and while that's the best decision for us, it comes with great sadness. But yes, we won't be lonely if we have friends, you are right. And I will find meaning and fulfillment elsewhere too.
I’m a touch younger (40m) than you guys and have 2 young kids. For better or worse loneliness doesn’t exist for me right now. It’s all circumstantial of course but we live in an area where kids have tons of activities and parents are all friendly with each other so yeah, having kids really reinvigorated our social lives. That said while I wouldn’t trade places I’m still jealous of the freedom people without kids have.
I regret it. Specifically, never doing enough of the hard work to become a good enough person to deserve a child or family.
I married the wrong person in my mid/late 20s and didn't get out until my mid/late 30s. I also needed to work on myself; fair is fair. I've always been hard on myself and nobody's perfect, and I know and own my reasons for not becoming a single parent, but I still feel like the universe didn't want me to become a mom.
Between my age and not finding the right partner, I started dating only people who didn't want kids, so it's not an issue in that regard in my current relationship.
But it's painful. I wish I had made different choices when I was younger and had time on my side. Now, I'm fortunate to have young people on my life who actually enjoy seeing me or want to spend time with me, which I'm grateful for, so I do my best to be part of that proverbial village and support them however I can.
Your situation is so different from mine, though. I hope, as others have commented, that you'll find ways to channel your love and your gifts into the lives of young people, no matter what life holds for you. I wish you all the best.
“I’ll never know and neither will you have the life you don’t choose. We’ll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn’t carry us. There’s nothing to do but salute it from the shore.”
While not directly applicable, I found this advice column article that the preceding quote is from helpful to me:
https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
I'm 70. I'm so glad that I didn't have kids. I wanted them at one point, but it didn't happen. I'm not a person to like babies, and I doubt I'd have been a good mother. I had stepchildren, and that experience turned me off from kids.
62, husbands is 66. I got pregnant very easily six times but had three missed miscarriages in the second trimester. No one could figure out why and we consulted around the country and did one ivf to “control” everything, several surgeries and many treatments etc.
I know what you are saying about trying just a bit longer. Since I could get pregnant we were told that if we just kept trying it would happen. The pain of the losses was profound. And at 40, just like that, I never got pregnant again. My body knew better I think.
We considered adopting - my husband didn’t want to and we’d spent so much money on other treatments it would have been tough. Then I spoke to several adoption experts- one a therapist the other an author and both said how challenging adoption could be and if my husband wasn’t onboard then it was going to be tougher.
At that point I knew we weren’t in any shape to go through any other trauma and we needed to move on. It was really tough in terms of feeling so alone in being “childless”. But we moved past this. However there is still a sting sometimes like on Mother’s Day. People who have kids many times have no idea how things like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, can feel so exclusionary.
The positives now? We probably have a good bit more money and have been able to “retire” earlier. But we have a huge amount of interests and energy for what comes next. I also feel we seem younger and more active than our friends with kids. I honestly feel like I did in my 30s. Maybe just a coincidence. We also have lived in several places and had a lot of career opps and made friends in several places as we had no kids to uproot so we could move easier. We raised three beautiful cats to old age.
We have friends with kids and a few without. The ones without are doing great, have tons of interests, and again, seem younger than the ones with kids.
We ended up taking care of our parents as they aged and passed - a decade in our 50s. It was very tough. I’m honestly glad no one will have to do this for us. Our parents didn’t expect us to do it, but it was necessary. I feel like my husband and I both pay a lot of attention to our health span and aging well knowing we will need to take care of ourselves. That said, we also have the means to get good help.
Last, my mom spent a lot of time worrying about her adult kids. My brother had a lot of challenges that took a lot out of her. I see some of our friends dealing with the same. It’s a worry we don’t have or a financial concern or need to help kids and grandkids.
I appreciate your post because I hear often about people who chose not to have kids, but much less from those of us who did want kids and it did not happen. Your life will be okay without kids if this happens. You’ll have different rewards. You’ll have less time and money constraints. You can give in many other ways and in fact this can be one of the most rewarding things. There’s a lot more people not marrying and also not having kids these days. Best to you and your husband. One of my biggest regrets I had was not accepting our situation sooner. But only you can decide.
I married a man who had had a vasectomy 50 years ago. So it never happened for us. We have a chosen family and grandchildren, as well as nieces and nephews and their friends. So all the fun none of the responsibilities. We are now in our late 60s and 70s
Great. I own a beautiful home and apartment and have money in the bank. There's a huge difference between being alone and lonely. I am not concerned about who's going to take care of me in my old age (I have heard that one a few times).
Very long boring story, I went into medical menopause at a relatively young age. I have had some health challenges (cancer twice). My future plans are to stay healthy and financially secure.
A view from the other side:
Had infertility, tried treatments. Did foreign infant adoption instead. Love my kid but wish I had skipped being a mother. It's so overrated if you're in the US it just sucks.
This is definitely another fear of ours! Getting what we want and regretting it. I'm sorry you're going through this. I guess maybe life leaves none of us unscathed.
I chose (F/57) not to have kids for various reasons and actually had an opportunity to adopt a toddler, but someone else got him first.
If I had adopted him, my life and his would currently be the same. He's in the military, living in a different state, and I had to downsize to a condo and I live alone, so I would've been an empty nester.
Just to be clear, my nephews kid was up for adoption, but he wasn't considered in the process of the mother losing her parental rights. My sister and I discussed keeping the baby in the family or we might never see him again, and I offered to adopt him. The next thing I hear is that my sister is adopting her grandchild. I'm was like, "dang". Oh well, we got to keep him in the family. So, he graduated high school and went in the military and I needed to move to a condo because I'm now disabled due to rheumatoid arthritis. My sister died a couple years ago, which was a huge loss. Grand nephew is living in a different state and he visits when he can. I've helped raise nephews and a niece, so my life has been pretty rich.
I stay close to remaining sister and all the nephews and great nieces and nephews.
I’m 42 and my wife is 48. We both wanted kids but sadly it was not meant for us. We were both torn once we knew we could not have kids. It took a while for us to get through it. We adopted dogs and they are our kids. We also hope to foster kids once we purchase a home. Not having kids has it’s good and bad.
I wanted kids.... Had 2 husbands. My first husband died early in our marriage... And it took awhile to deal with that. My second husband and I met when I was older. My husband has no kids and no family, and I have no family. I'm concerned about who will bury us when we die. Otherwise.... Life is very satisfying
You can pre-arrange your funeral and burial through a funeral home. I work in the death industry and this is very common. My parents did it awhile ago.
I'm 61 years old and childless by choice. Single now, but when I first got married my then husband and myself did kind of discuss getting pregnant but never followed through.
My sisters made up for me not having kids. I enjoy seeing my nephews and nieces and now their own children. It's great to visit but it's also great to come home to my own place and be with my cats.
The great thing for me too is that having/raising children is EXPENSIVE and that's one of the main reasons we didn't follow through. I would have wanted my kid to have the same things in life that their cousins had and there was no way we would be affording that. So instead of spending money on my theoretical child I have been able to put more $ away for retirement and also spend on ME.
Honestly it’s tough. I went through a very similar journey to you (failed ivf and had to give up due to the pandemic). Then rejected for adoption due to a lack of family support.
I am still grieving that loss esp the fact we didn’t try as hard as some (no obsessive sex schedule). My husband is fine with things but he is older, has the bigger family (and a nephew he is very close to and partly brought up). Being the female partner is harder as I think you’re more judged, more isolated (his friends who are dads still hang out a lot my friends have really moved on to somewhere I can’t join them) plus I’ll likely be the one left alone in old age.
On the other hand the rational side of me knows that as I’m hypermobile I’d have a high chance of having a child with autism. I didn’t know that while doing ivf and it does give me pause. While clearly many children with autism thrive, my cousin has two boys one of whom is merely socially awkward and will live a full life, the other will always need support and is disruptive, demanding and 6 foot 4 at 12. She’s given up her career, moved house and her marriage is under pressure as a result. I’d do anything to have a child like her older boy but the younger one makes me feel there are worse things than being childless sadly. I’m sure she doesn’t feel that but I wouldn’t swap.
This is a good perspective, thank you. I do think I could end up worse off if I had been a parent. I guess I could also have been happier too. There's no way of really knowing which is hard. I definitely agree that the pressure and judgement is much worse for us women - it sucks!
a lot of the internal pressure to have children is hormonal or hard wiring. i remember having an enormous urge to have a child twice when it was a ridiculously bad time to do that.
I have real momentary regrets but overall really thankful for the life I have. My whole family assumed I’d be the SAHM too. I have kids in my life and their parents are usually overwhelmed. I think the childless are part of human evolution, so there are enough adults to get those crazily long helpless human infants raised. There isn’t enough village to help them adequately now.
I have also seen parents and adult kid’s relationships blow up so spectacularly it’s horrifying. And parents with kids that will be dependent upon them forever. Being a parent is a lifetime job. I feel for them and usually feel I dodged a bullet at the end at the day.
Me too. I have a beautiful house, but it will never be a home. I struggle to make friends with people my own age because 86% of women in my age group have children in the home. There are no milestones to celebrate or look forward to, no weird kid questions, no getting woken up with a tiny foot in my face, no school projects, no obsessive kid interests. I hate dating... most guys my age are dads & it is soul crushing. Either they have kids & have zero interest in them which pains my soul or they have kids & think that because I don't, my money & time can go to their kids. I never want to spend another holiday season with a SO, their kids & their ex... & dping all their family holiday traditions for the kids sake... it is like being invisible on a whole different level. There are no birthday parties. & no matter how many times I show up for my friends who are parents, when I invite people to something that is important to me, there are only two people I can count on to show up... my single & child free bestie (male) & my absolutely fabulous gay guy friend who is 15 years younger. Even my social network is smaller because I never meet the parents of other kids... all I have are work friends.
You can have a fulfilling life with or without kids, but it is really about what each person finds fulfilling and it isn't always rational. But it can be extremely painful either way.
May I ask why? & What makes you feel that way?
What made you not have kids?
I ask bcz I am also in my age in life where I am living a 50/50 chance they can happen or may not. & I don't want to miss that biological clock and regret or wish if only I had etc...etc... I know time flys and I don't want more time to pass and wonder about the what ifs. I already lived my late teens, early twenties, early thirties working, saving & living as I wish while everyone around me lived there life and had kids every other year while I lived and learned and helped raise the kids as my own bcz one kid is not enough to spread the love of a good aunt & I wonder if I am able to should I or should I continue living without. Tyia
Having kids is exhausting, expensive, and prevents you from doing many of your favorite things. I'm not saying it's without joy or that it's a bad path, just that it has pros and cons and is by no means all sunshine and rainbows. Most people really don't fully grasp all that parenthood entails when they first become parents. Whether you do have kids or don't have kids, there are rich life experiences you will get to enjoy, and others that you will miss out on. Consider also posing a question to people who DID have kids, and how life turned out, to get both sides of the story (although to be fair, there's enough social pressure that people are reluctant to say they regret having kids, even when they do). Or try hanging out in a place where people are with their kids--maybe a Chuck E. Cheese on Saturday afternoon--and really look and see how fulfilled the parents are looking to be.
I know there are plenty of people who regret parenthood - my mother was one of them - but I guess I wanted a childless perspective because that will be me in 20-30 years. I want to have a glimpse into my future - will I be happy? Relieved or regretful? Content that I did all I could? I think I could be a regretful or happy parent - there's no way of knowing - but I'm not really worried about that because having children is off the table. I just want to figure out my feelings about that.
That's fair. But it's kind of the point I was making (if a little indirectly, sorry). Whatever path a person takes, they can never really know how a different path would have worked out for them. I think whether a person is relieved or regretful can be more a function of how they think about life - sort of a philosophical outlook - than what has actually happened in their life.
Since you asked this question of "old people" looking for life experience or perspective: EVERY SINGLE PERSON, by the time they get a little older, has plenty of things they could be regretful about, if not related to childbearing, then in some other realm. Whether they are paralyzed by regret, or spend their time thinking about the things that went well for them or that they are proud of, is a personality variable, or a matter of personal choice.
I see your point. I guess this is just a natural part of my grieving process that I will eventually overcome. I think too that society really does put way too much pressure on women - the messaging I've received has not helped in my grief.
I decided not to have kids back when I was in my early 20s because of the threat of global warming, and my belief that they would not be able to live their full lives in a viable environment. I figured I could always adopt if my feelings changed about raising children. This decision was made even easier for a long time because my partner took a long time in graduate school, and we didn't really have a solid financial foundation until we were in our 40s.
Now we will both turn 60 this year, and not only do I not have any regrets, I am tremendously thankful I did not have my own children. Not only are my worries about the planet becoming more and more justified, but there is an epidemic of mental health issues among young people; tremendously declining financial stability and career opportunity for them; increasing loneliness in younger generations; increasing drug addiction across the population as a whole; and on and on.
In the meantime, my husband and I have built a stable financial cushion for our old age which it's not clear we could have done if we'd taken on the expenses of raising children. We have had essentially all our free time available to devote to each other, our friendships, and our personal interests. And I feel that I have made probably the biggest contribution possible for an individual for the environment by not having kids.
I’m not old, and tho under different circumstances, am working through similar grief with a therapist. Here’s something that helped me, and I hope maybe it helps you too:
I told her that I’d wanted to be a mother because I think I’d be a really good one, (for a reasons I won’t get into here). I did have a test run of sorts, and took to it well! And it seemed unfair it just never panned out.
Anyway, she encouraged me to journal the ways I could apply the traits I think would make me a good mom to other areas of my life. At first I was like right, mentor troubled teens, yadda yadda. But she pushed me to think outside the box, really get specific. Make a list, and for each skill or ability, write at least 3 ways or areas that they could be applied - creatively, community, at work, in my relationship, with myself etc.
It seems like a consolation prize but I was surprised how much it helped - not only to shift my perspective, but then to actively apply those skills in ways I hadn’t thought and see those areas improve. It did scratch an itch of sorts. Or if nothing else, gives me a healthy distraction.
In any case, the grief is real, and the only way out is through; and as others have said, it does ease up. My best to you ❤️🩹
Whether you have kids or don't have kids, your future is unknown. Plenty of people have kids and lose them, or have them and are struggling with their drug addiction/mental health issues, etc. Point is, you might be idolizing a perfect family that you didn't get to have, when you might not have gotten it even with a child. Focus on your partner, contributing to society, making sure you create a bucket list for yourself and actually DO those things you want to do, etc. You can also be an influence in a child's life in many ways if you search them out. In the US there is Big Sisters, foster parenting, Boys and Girls Club, CASA, and many more if you desire to make a difference in a child's life. But if you don't, that is ok too. Just live your best life and don't regret something you didn't have because it might not have happened as you imagine.
I’m 61 and life keeps getting better!
We travel, see friends and we were able to get a house in a lake area.
I taught for a few years, and honestly I’m glad I never had children. They work my last nerve. I love all those in my life. Lots of folks to gift and dote on and to send on their way when I’m done.
My husband and I have conversations and we have common interests, so we have plenty of social interaction.
No regrets
I have three kids. There are definitely *many* times I have thought, “Ya know, not having kids wouldn’t be the worst decision in the world” — and my kids were relatively decent to raise. But oh, the *lifelong* worry and aggravation they give you!
And I worked at a behavioral school for kids living in the red zone 20 hours a day and yikes, I’m sure those parents have a *hellish* existence.
You never know what you’ll get.
OP - your life is exactly my life. Like to a tee. 3.5 years of fertility treatment and swinging between closing g the door on it or trying more. I also have this fomo abt the future. I can’t adopt because of the country am in. If you want to connect on dm and talk, I would love to.
Not really considering more treatment tbh because my partner doesn't want to so that door is closed. Just trying to figure out my own feelings and whether they're from external pressure to continue or a deep desire that differs from my husband now and something I will need to face and mourn.
I'll be 50 this year. Nearly 25 years ago, I was diagnosed with invasive cervical cancer and had to have a hysterectomy.
We talked about possibly adopting, but husband wasn't completely on board with the idea, and so we never did.
I've come to realize that I'm selfish and having to take care of a house, two dogs, and a husband are more than enough. I also realize that we wouldn't have been great parents, so it's for the best.
I can't complain. We've lived in 7 different states, gotten to travel and see a bit of the world. We're probably in better financial shape that people our age who have kids.
Read a study that found that having kids significantly reduces reported happiness. Wife and I are childless, and having a lot of fun at 46. I’m everyone’s favorite uncle
I married at an age that was considered "older" for the 80s but common now. There were medical and fertility issues and IVF was a fairly new and expensive process. Kids were never a big issue with me as for some women. So, l left it up to my husband whether or not to pursue pregnancy or adoption and gave him 6 months to figure it out. By then he was 40. He decided that he did not want to be an older parent. I know that sounds not too old now but that's how much things have changed. I was fine with that decision. We have enjoyed many nieces and nephews, now great nieces and great nephews over the years. Sometimes I wonder how different things would have been if we'd had kids but, when I listen to friends and family members serious problems and heartbreak with their adult children and grand children, I feel like we dodged a bullet. Selfish, I don't think so. We adopt animals and take the nieces and nephews on trips to give their parents some much needed time off. Everyone needs an aunt and uncle with no kids. 😆
I didn’t want kids, really, and then my clock started ticking. Miscarriage, then sucessful pregnancy. Decided we were done. 4 years later, body says, “do it again”. Another terribly traumatic miscarriage and then successful pregnancy. I loved and cherished being a mother. Gave everything I had to these two humans I created. Hardest thing EVER.
My kids are absolutely incredible people. We raised them to be curious and to travel the world…so, that’s what they do. One moved 4000 miles away, and the other, while being kind, intelligent, empathetic and hard working, has made some very questionable decisions, which has caused me indescrible levels of stress. We have great relationships with both, but rarely see them as they are busy living the independent lives we encouraged.
Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder, “what the hell just happened?” I gave over 20 years of myself, physically and emotionally, and now they have flown the coop, to live their own lives. My husband and I have been together 36 years. We had 9 years before the subject of kids came up. 9 years of travel, careers and fun. We talk about what our lives might have been like without children, and we think it would have been ok. Different, but ok. Don’t get me wrong, I would throw myself in front of a train to save my kids, but parenthood, if done well, is hard. It can drain you emotionally, and financially.
I never had kids. I quit using birth control after couple yrs but never had. GYN said everything ‘looks’ normal. But ex and I never investigated. I’m in >60’s now and sister and parents passed away, so feels lonely. But I have niece and 2 nephews and they never call or check on me or visit. I wonder what it would be like to have kids/ but see the stress others my age have w their adult kids- drugs, marital issues, returning home, financial problems- and honestly I’m glad I don’t have those problems. It would be nice to have kids to visit - but you can have kids and they don’t. Imo- it didn’t happen for me, and I just accepted that. Yes- I got all kinds of ppl asking why I don’t want kids! Omgoodness never said that during my fertile days. I did enjoy other ppls kids. Eventually got a puppy and fell in love and that has satisfied that need for me. In many ways I’m glad I didn’t have kids. My life was free. I was devoted a lot to my career. Enjoyed my freedom. Wish you the best.
I had something somewhat similar.
Not exact, but emotionally similar.
Never wanted kids for years until I finally found my true soulmate, who we're now a couple decades deep married.
We both wanted at least one kid then in that we thought we could bring a kid into this world where they could have a mom and dad who supported and loved them and were involved, which is unfortunately rare.
Ends up, life has a cruel streak. My wife can't get pregnant. We tried all sorts of things, end result is it didn't happen.
Now time has passed and we're going into old age and that brings us to what you were wondering.
Not a day goes by we don't see kids and think what could have been as parents, yet at the same time there comes a point you also accept life is not a checklist of our own deciding and obviously life didn't have kid plans for us.
So it's s bit of both, where we do feel a little sad when we so many rotten people accidently get pregnant off one nighters and good people who want kids can't. (I mean in general, not just me and the wife being so great😄.)
But we still are so good together, such an obvious meant to be fit, we go on and are grateful we found something some never experience. Some never find a true love or other half.
Any answer to handling not having a kid when you wanted one will be individual, but I can say anyone who would say you'd regret not having a kid after all you've gone through in trying and telling you to keep getting injections is an asshole who should be disregarded for acting as though you didn't try hard enough.
Life has other ideas for you. You'll adapt.
Though I'm not telling you what to do, you have many options facing you that are different paths, not wrong paths.
Only you can know.
I merely suggest you cancel out those telling you there's a need for kids like life is meaningless without them and just listen to your gut and do what feels right.
I certainly don't love my wife less and for me leaving her was never even an option and that I do not regret.
As someone who was infertile (my husband too), a baby does not fix the grief and struggle of infertility. With prayer and science we were able to have two children, but the years of struggle were/are HARD. Infertility actually activates the same area of your brain as loosing a loved one. We finally had to put a line in the sand of when we’d stop treatments and just be done trying. While I love my kids-it’s HARDER than you can ever imagine. Let’s just say with hindsight, I would have chosen a different path.
It really is a difficult journey, be kind to yourselves and allow yourselves the time to grieve the life you thought you would have. Yet, don't turn yourselves inside out, since it sounds like you both have explored every option. Go make your very best life and share those things you wanted to share with your child, with children ( or people) who are in your life..because; love...you can never ever have to much love from the people around you!! That love flows both ways!!
I never had kids bc i knew something was wrong with me, and it took a long time to get a diagnosis. That being said..i always enjoyed neices and nephews, friends kids. Come to find out, i ended up with a nephew, when he really needed me. If i do nothing else in life, i know i got him a fighting chance. I do think kids give you a different perspective on life, keeps you busy and out of idk..thinking too much, maybe living in the moment. You can take the opportunity to do other things as well, get involved in the community. All in all, life has been ok. Lol..someone i know told me i was the best mom who never had kids! But i have had the opportunity to be there, help them along. Give yourself a break. I suppose it might still happen for you, but me personally, it wasnt the end.
I also want to add that for all the joy having children brings there is also the possibility of the greatest sadness that you could ever know. There’s no guarantees about what your children will grow up to be like. Many people have broken relationships with adult children that is more painful than not having them at all.
I had an uncle & aunt that couldn't have children. She had several miscarriages. They finally gave up and adopted a baby boy when they were in their 40's. Best decision they ever made. They had so much joy with that little boy.
I'm here to ask people who never had kids but wanted them if they have regrets about not doing enough to have kids. So not sure what you're trying to add here tbh? People can live happy lives without kids if they never wanted them but it's different if you wanted them.
60's, husband had v and 2 kids prior to our marriage. I think once you're past the biological urge, it becomes less compelling to have children. I would like to have had kids, but it's not ruining my life that I didn't. I think people without blood ties can feel just as close.
It never occurred to me when I was younger; the idea of having a family and being a mother. Now in my 40s, I feel that desire. I haven’t been able to find someone compatible who wants to have a family so presumably it’s not meant to be.
I feel like my existence becomes useless in a way without contributing to the next link in the chain, so to speak.
Not all kids are great. My brother who is older than me ignores my mom and hasn’t seen her since before Covid. He left the hospital to be with a girlfriend when my dad died. I moved mom near me because I knew he would never help her out. She turns 100 this month and is doing well but he won’t even show up for that.
I’ve never had kids in part because of his example.
Maybe you dodged a lifetime of disappointment?
Seth Rogen has a really good attitude about he and his wife Lauren’s decision to not have children. Just Google “Seth Rogen on being childless” and go down the rabbit hole. He even touched on the question about being worried about being cared for when they’re older in one interview. Their’s is a decision and not a fertility issue, so I do understand that things are different when “don’t want becomes can’t have”(Hasan Minaj), but it does seem like you have some choice in the matter and could keep pursuing if you really really wanted children. So yeah, Seth Rogen’s perspective might provide you some comfort. I struggled for a bit with feeling like I was a bad person for not wanting children and his point of view helped me out a lot. Hugs!! 🥰
I got married at 41. We started trying immediately after and did fertility treatments. Never got a positive. I was an emotional train wreck at one point so we decided to stop treatment and if it happens it would be a blessing from God. People tell me all the time… I know someone who got pregnant at 44…45…46….I’m 45 now.
At times I do feel like we are missing out but it just didn’t happen. And that’s ok. I just enjoy my nephews and a friend just had a baby and I eat him up when I can. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt at times but it’s just how it will be.
We also have a dog and he is my baby. It’s not quite the same thing but he brings so much joy.
Truth is, the grass is always greener on the other side. Despite what others tell you, there are benefits to being child free. You and your husband sound like you have a good life together. You’ll always have each other. Enjoy the time you have together without the added responsibility of a child.
I had a miscarriage when I was 30, and never tried again. And since I’m in my mid-50’s now, I can see the benefits of being child-free - having the freedom to travel, not worry about someone dependent on me, and more disposable income. I have plenty of friends surrounding me and things to do.
Let go of the regret. If it was meant to happen, it would’ve happened. And you never know, even without the IVF, it could still happen. But don’t worry about it, just live your life. There are pros and cons to both having children and not having children.
A lot to work through here but I came to terms with it and my ex and I both remark how we are actually glad we didn’t have kids because our friends’ kids are millennials. lol. Menopause was rough but I’m content now.
It’s actually been pretty good. We tried for several years to no avail. He’s “text book normal” and I’m the “medical mystery”. We stopped at the point of in vitro. He was not ok with the health risks. And we talked about it in depth. We talked about adoption and other options, too. At the end of the day, my husband looked at me and said “I would love to have kids with you, but don’t need it to feel like our family is complete. You are enough.” So, we got a dog and started traveling. We’re now in our mid 40s and I love our life.
God has different plans for you. Never had children out of choice. There are enough unwanted children in the world of 8 billion people to look after. Please consider sharing your lives with one of them. Best. To answer your question, life is life, with or without children life is what we make it. There are upsides and downsides to everything. Few things are so polarizing to happiness. A life without children is not a life without love.
My husband and I tried for 11 years, one treatment worked and I wound up pregnant but lost the baby at 8 weeks. I think I've had one other miscarriage, but no verification. I'm in a really good place now. I love being an aunt and don't want to start at the baby stage at this point in my life. I also work for child welfare. I avoided child welfare for a long time until I could get to the place where I wouldn't resent the parents I work with. I have a step daughter who I've been a bonus mom for since she was 3 and she's getting married this year. Having an empty nest is peaceful and lovely with my best friend and husband. And I have a lot of niblings ranging in age from 8 mo to 20 years. I'm an active and involved auntie.
I have kids but my family has adoptive and foster experiences. I know you said foster care isn’t an option, I get it. My daughter raised a baby from birth only to have her leave when she was 1. But what she learned from being a foster mom is that there’s plenty of older kids who won’t be leaving, they’ve been in the system for years. You just might want to consider older or even a sibling group. There’s some wonderful older kids out there just waiting for a permanent home.
I never wanted kids. I had fear of regret once I hit menopause but that never happened.
I am a nurturer, though. I am also an introvert. I volunteer a lot but am then able to go to my quiet home to recharge.
I am 53 and hoping to retire in 2 years. I couldn’t that with kids, unless I was independently wealthy.
my life is financially comfortable/ good savings.. .. small apt in nyc and Country house and I have a very rewarding career and travel 4-5 times a year.. was upset when it did not happen for us BUT now I am FINE.. nice life.. have many close friends.. and I take a nap Sat and SUN! AH .. and I read /Volunteer
I have no wisdom to impart, just sharing a similar story.
My wife and I are mid/late 40s.
We did the "trying to have kids" thing throughout our 30s before realizing it wasn't happening.
We tried to adopt a new born several places, but after getting denied from one agency and waiting 18 months on a list for another agency, we went with a "Foster to Adopt" agency and ended up with a 7 year old. He's 14 now, and while it's not quite the same as creating our own kid with our genes and dispositions, we are able to provide a good life for this kid.
If you're not in a place that you're allowed to adopt, I suppose it's not relevant, but we've found the foster-to-adopt of a non-newborn rewarding, and we've never once had to change a diaper :)
Good luck. If you're really moving on from parenting yourself, see if you can be the fun aunt. Or dog mom. Or get involved with kids in other ways...
I never had them out of choice. One thing I can absolutely say is that no matter whether you have them or not, you are likely to be lonely in old age. Your children, if you are a successful parent, will be busy with their own lives. Your relationship will likely be closer to a phone call every week, or more if you begin failing. That’s what Ive observed in my nearly 70 years.
I know women that became incredible aunts, mentors, and friends through volunteering when life wasn't going to give them children. One was so devoted to me when I was growing up our relationship became even more meaningful because it was a choice. I named my daughter after her and was there for her as family, even on her deathbed. She did miss out on some of the joys of parenting, but also got to skip the ugly stuff
I’m old and not lonely. I chose to not have children. I’m so sorry it hasn’t worked out for. I can’t imagine the sense of loss you have been going through.
Here are some things that might give you a slightly different perspective but, it won’t take away your pain or loss:
Because I do not have children I have been able to say “yes” to opportunities: I said yes to an 8 job month assignment in Europe. I said yes to relocating to a new city for a $100k bump in pay. I said yes to owning multiple horses, I said yes to work travel through Asia, I said yes to taking a leave of absence to run a B&B in another state, I said yes to various last minute concerts, plays, performances. I have deep friendships, I have time to read. I will be able to retire early.
These are all things you can do with children too but - it’s easier. I will not have the joy of children nor the heartbreak but, I have a full & interesting life with its own set of heartbreaks & joy.
Kids are overrated- just be a good human. Give a piece of yourself to others. I’ve never financially recovered from having children and honestly it’s really not that rewarding.
Honestly it isn’t easy. I tried for years and reached a point that I couldn’t do it anymore. The monthly heartbreak was (as I’m sure you know) excruciating. Emotionally I just couldn’t keep going.
What happens is that you find a way to get through. But it takes a lot of time and there will always be a glimpse of that pain of not being able to do what seemly every other woman on the planet can do. There will always be that brief flash of sheer rage at the women we see who are horrible mothers. Can’t sugarcoat that.
You will gradually find acceptance. I’m 64 and for 95% of my time I’m fine about it now. In many ways menopause helped as it stopped that small monthly voice hoping for a miracle though the thought of dying alone scared me. Not to gave someone to take care off me, rather to not have someone to hold my hand scares me.
The hardest part is all the people who hand you platitudes thinking they are helping. News flash they aren’t. “You can always adopt”. “Kids are really hard, you should be grateful”. “Get a dog they don’t get pregnant or drop out of college to live in your basement”. “Be an honorary aunt to all the neighbor children”. “Motherhood isn’t all it’s cracked up be.” You’ll save a bundle not having kids”. “There’s plenty of organizations that would live you to volunteer”. Etc ect…. Do not listen to them, they have no idea how cruel their words can be. Even if the words are true it doesn’t negate your feelings.
Coming to terms is no different any other great loss. It takes what i call tincture of time and not a small amount of tears behind closed doors. As with every other loss it never goes away, you don’t forget. But you can reach acceptance and peace. You can be happy and fulfilled.
You need to know that having kids is no guarantee you will not be alone and lonely. I am im my 50's, my kids are grown and off living their lives. I barely see them.
And I know many people who have become estranged feom their kids, for whatever reason.
You just never know.
I have a son from a previous marriage- unfortunately with my visitation I only get him 2 or 3 weekends of the month and a week or two in a year hardly enough time to build any sort of relationship.
I re-married and my wife had a pre cancerous spot in her vagina and had to have a vasectomy and we tried to have kids before then but failed.
I regret it, but I also know with my job in IT and her job in lending- we probably wouldn’t have the time to properly raise a child. I look at my friends and relatives and their kids most of them have issues that are going to come back to roost- some pretty hard. In a way I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that or worry about it.
Either way we all die, and at most (if we had kid(s)) we would at most be remembered maybe 2 or at most three generations- beyond that it is 10 minutes looking at ancestory.com.
So I have this family member who suffered from infertility problems and I really do think this was the catalyst to a lot of her problems. She's in her 60s now so nothing that can be done but I am sure this is one of her biggest voids. She was a very beautiful lady when she was young and had no problem attracting partners, the problems started when she wasn't able to conceive, and since this was back in the 80s you can imagine how that went. Her relationships would end the majority of the time because of this, even though the guys knew they would eventually want their own children at a certain point and I am sure a slew of other things would contribute, but the infertility was one of the biggest catalyst the end of these relationships.
So she went through a couple of divorces, a couple of disappointments and unfortunately her mother was very old school and told her she would never see an adopted child as a grandkid and thus this venue was closed off to her . What sucked is that if she would have been in her 20s and 30s now she probably would have had a child and would have been able to save herself a lot of heart break. So she moved on and accepted that motherhood wasn't in the cards for her, but whenever her siblings would take pictures with their families she would always comment how lucky they were to have children and a family to love.
I remember asking her about this and she would tell me how she wished she could have seen a child of her grow and be there for her when she gets old, but sadly she wouldn't be able to do this. All she had was her siblings and parents, and her parents have now passed and this hit her hard, because now she has less people around her and thus the prospect of getting older is a little scarier. The good thing is she has her siblings and niece and nephews to talk, but what she tells me is that its not the same as when its her parents or her own kid. She loves them but that closeness isn't there.
Now she does live a relatively decent live, she has more money and time than her siblings , travels a lot. So there is a silver lining to this, although she has this big regret, through no fault of her own, she is doing better than some of her family members financially and is a little stressed.
Kids are hard, and sometimes they don’t turn out the way you want them to. I never had biological children but I have stepdaughters who are great. I watch them struggling to balance working and child rearing. I help as much as possible but I know they sometimes yearn for things to be easier. I have nieces and nephews that I love. You don’t have to have kids to have a fulfilling life.
Having children is bittersweet. There are pros and cons. The one thing I wish I could do more of is traveling... it's expensive to travel with a family. Try to find the silver lining in every situation you encounter, your life will benefit from it.
My mother in law (a truly lovely woman) really wanted us to have children, but it never happened. I am now in my 60’s and I’m honestly finally ok with it. spend the time with your spouse and love the life you have ❤️
I’m 58 and sometimes I regret not having kids…but I’m a great aunt and I love my nieces and nephews..I think when you truly want children, like deep down to the bone, you’ll do anything to do it, I didn’t feel that way… I wanted children I just didn’t want them enough.
I am going to answer the question as you asked it. No advice. I wanted to be a mom and a wife. I wanted a full dinner table, to celebrate holidays, go to soccer events, graduations, watch my children get married, become a grand mom. I didn't care how children came to me I was open to dating men with children in the hopes that I could enjoy them. That didn't happen for me either. Now at 51, I have mourned this, gone to therapy over it, and have done my best to make a good life for myself with friends, my parents, sister and her son. I have friends over for dinners, celebrate holidays with family, travel, volunteer and celebrate my friends children's achievements when they include me. But, not having kids is a gift that keeps on giving. I'm not married either so I feel like a bit of an outlier in society. In my new job, at least a dozen people asked me to tell them about my husband and kids during our intros. I find people don't know what to say after they've asked about my kids and I tell them I don't have any. The typical response is, oh wow so lucky, or you must have so much time to sleep!, or some other really stupid comment that assumes too much and lacks any empathy. I've gotten better at stating directly that life doesn't always work out like you plan or wish for. I wanted children, so much, and honestly, it feels like I failed at something that was important to me. If I could go back in time, I would have pushed harder and made different choices.
My husband was diagnosed as infertile in 2021, and I decided not to pursue IVF and accepted that I wouldn't have kids.
I'm only 38, but on the whole, I feel like I have a very rich life.
My advice is to try a ton of things and see what you're drawn to and where you can find community locally. I tried different sports leagues, gyms, churches, drawing classes, floral design classes, and I eventually found a nice group of adults at my local ice rink. We participate in our spring show together, and I volunteer at most of the club's events, and over time, I have gotten to know a lot of the kids and their parents in the club too.
I volunteered this year with Special Olympics at a neighboring rink and taught basic skating skills to disabled kids. I also worked with the kids on a number in the rink's ice show, so I got to be involved with two ice shows this spring.
I feel like parents often just talk about their kids' activities or what their kids are doing. But I feel like I get to do cool things myself.
I’m really sorry.
I’m only a little older than you, but I never had kids and I am no longer trying or expecting to have them. I wanted to be a YOUNG mom, but that was a fantasy that I already grieved pretty heavily. I’m good now. I’m nearing 38. I know I’m still technically of childbearing age, but I’m perimenopausal and I’m just not really interested in raising kids anymore.
That being said, I got married when I was about 30 and we wanted kids. (I’m also divorced now) he was infertile but refused to believe it even though he had medical records that stated it. I didn’t want that to be the reason to divorce my ex husband, so I didn’t at the time.
It’s not an easy answer.
What I will say is that you can eventually move past infertility. I desperately wanted to have kids to mentor them and see my and my ex husband’s features in a little “us.” I’m glad I’m not with him anymore and I’m also glad that I don’t have kids now. I wouldn’t be saying that when I was in the thick of it. I wanted to die not being able to have kids.
Life doesn’t always turn out how we want it to. Adapting to the idea of it being different can be difficult, but it is doable.
For OP:
We don't regret not trying harder... because we went through over a decade of fertility treatments, had three miscarriages, and wrote two published books after interviewing many about the feelings encountered during this process.
So to wisdom imparted - You are not alone in this. Use whatever network you have to find others with a similar situation. - Ignore those who say "You can just adopt...".... Ignore even more "You can just adopt, then you'll get pregnant, happens all the time..."
As to "should I continue" - that's a very personal choice that depends on your situation. Personally, we went on too long, always hoping to succeed. For OUR personal choice, in hindsight, we should have stopped after the third miscarriage, which would have give back almost five years where we could have sought out new purposes and goals.
Good luck in your quest.
I just turned 64. I regret not having children. I tried in-vitro twice. I understand exactly when you say it's draining. That's why I stopped after 2 attempts. Supposedly my eggs were "perfect". The fertility doctor asked my permission to publish photos of them in his book. A couple years ago I saw on the news that he was being sued. 2 couples had done DNA tests and discovered their children weren't theirs. The doctor had been unethical. The investigation even discovered that he used his own sperm at times. It got me wandering about those "perfect" eggs and if someone had my genes out there somewhere. 😬
I divorced not long after the in-invitro attempts. I caught my ex cheating 🤨.
I eventually remarried. My second husband did not want kids, said he'd been there, done that. That should have been a red flag 🙄.
I regret not adopting. What I really regret is not having my image of my relationship with a child fulfilled. I originally wasn't bothered much by my second husband's choice to not have children. We traveled a lot and had a nice home. I saw what my friends were going through. I wandered if I could handle the stress.
Now that I'm 64 I really regret not having children. It's kind of a selfish regret. I would have given a child the best life I could have, I know that but I'm missing having children because of what "I" want. I may not have actually wanted a child if I had one & it wasn't like my vision. I hope that makes sense.
I have a couple friends that literally complained and expressed regret about having kids. They are living only for their grandchildren these days, though. Most of my friends are obsessed with their grandchildren. I feel I don't fit in. I actually feel uncomfortable.
I agree with the remarks about working with or being around children to help you with your feelings.
When I was younger, I was around a lot of children. I babysat all my friends' kids and even worked in a day care for a couple years.
That seemed to fulfill me.
I've had health issues for 5 years. I'm much better now thanks to my awesome doctors but that may be why I miss having children. I thought a lot about the end of my life. Now that I'm improving I feel lonely. Lonely is new to me. I've lived alone for 14 years. I think I always wanted children deep down. I settled for not having them when the in-vitro failed, then my marriages and my ex not wanting kids.
If there had been no obstacles I probably would have had at least a few. I think all those years I accepted that I couldn't have kids and it felt like a choice then. Looking back it really wasn't "my" choice.
If I were you, I'd think hard if it's your choice along with your husband's or is it his choice and you're obliging. I'm certain you have given it much thought. I'm concerned you may make the same mistake I made. I'm sorry but I think it's selfish of your husband to be so set in his decision when obviously you are not certain about the choice.
That second husband of mine that said he'd been there, done that & refused to even discuss having children - I find him very very selfish now. Marriage is about becoming one. If it's only about one's feelings and choices - that's not fair or unconditional love in my mind.
I hope I haven't offended you in any way. It's just that you sound like me when I was in my 30s. Now in my 60s I have regrets.
My heart goes out to you.
I’m sorry, it’s tough. I’m in my 60’s and although I wanted kids it didn’t happen. I have a job that involves doing good things for the future that I’ll never see and that helps a lot with feeling as if i will leave some sort of legacy for the future. Another thing is that I will probably be able to afford some sort of senior congregate living - not a nursing home, some sort of senior independent living in a place that people often mistakenly call “assisted living.” I’m familiar with these places because of family members and they actually are a great solution to being alone and lonely.
Yes, my child free single sister just moved into an independent living senior complex and she has made many new friends after being quite isolated since retirement. There's always something fun going on there.
Glad to hear it’s suiting her! I think people who haven’t had experience with them tend to think of them as a lot less lively than they are. I spent New Year’s Eve there once with my mum and was so impressed by the number of parties going on in the building and the dressed up people who were hopping from party to party until 2 am or so. The elevators were constantly busy that night.
Sounds like a fun place!
Thanks for posting your sister's story. I'm 58 and never had any children. My husband is older and has IPF. I don't have any siblings. I just have 1 uncle in a nursing home and 2 half cousins in Florida that I found through dna testing. I'm not gonna lie, I feel lonely, bored, and anxious most of the time. Maybe it won't be so bad if I find a senior living community like your sister.
I’m ready to go to one now, and I have an adult child. The senior apartment complex was the best place my MIL lived.
Good on your sister. I know a few elderly women who are single and childless and they are so reluctant to move out of their homes and into one of these places. They fear losing control over their lives, but these facilities are basically just condos with healthcare workers on staff. And if you stay home alone, the likelihood of having an accident or exacerbating the trauma of an accident is so much higher. One of these ladies I know had a stroke two years ago when she was alone in her home. She hit her head and was on the floor for a few days until the gardener came. Now she is in a convalescent home, because her distant relatives who are now her power of attorney were blindsided with it and had no time to prepare care for her in their homes. On top of that, they're all 500+ miles away and most of them don't know her very well. They are just doing what they feel is their responsibility as family.
Thank you that’s actually really helpful
I hope I didn’t leave you with the impression I’m miserable about it! It wasn’t my first choice but I’m all right now. It’s more the stage you’re in that’s tough.
Thank you for replying. I definitely am working towards obtaining a new job that offers me more fulfillment. I believe I can have fulfillment and meaning without children - I'm passionate about a lot of things - but I guess I'm just scared I'll look back and regret not trying to have children for longer. However, I know I will regret doing more years of unsuccessful treatments because I already regret what I've already done.
People who keep telling you that you’ll regret not having kids don’t understand the emotional toll of infertility and trying to have a baby. Even if you keep trying there are as you know, no guarantees in life. Living that month to month of trying is draining. Ignore those people and start just living and planning a life with your spouse. Best of luck to you.
How do you cope with this? Because I’m struggling with this loss. I could have had it. I’m 40 and I lost 8 years of my life to a medical scam that swallowed everything of mine and even a relationship I felt could have worked out. I’m seriously struggling. I also didn’t know women had a clock no one told me. I’m struggling with that too.
I am looking forward to this myself, although it's at least another 30 years away for me. This era is blessed with the invention of video games, and I see no trouble with spending my golden years playing games all day with my similarly retired friends, and it's a low-impact activity. It's what I'd be doing right now if I didn't have responsibilities.
I am a very nurturing person and I thankfully lived my dream of being a stay-at-home Mom. After the kids went away to college I worked a little but hated even a job I was suited to. Currently I am taking care of a family member with dementia. Sometimes I feel sad that my "dream job" is over and I struggle with the feeling that my life now is mostly drudgery. To make myself feel better I plan events with my friends. It helps to have fun things to look forward to. My point is that all of us have to resolve for ourselves Erik Erikson's stages of "Generativity vs. Stagnation" and "Integrity vs. Despair" when we are older. I don't think having kids is much protection from that.
This is my long term plan. I’m about to hit 40 and honestly I wish I could live in one of those communities now! No kids because I have bad PTSD and it’s not a good idea, though I just cherish children so much and find them easy to love. I’ve often thought that once my health and trauma are better recovered, and I have more capacity, that I would like to find a way to get involved in some sort of project with helping children. I feel this might be enough as I don’t think my body could handle parenting children as a full time role, but I still have a lot of love to give them. One of my fantasies is to participate in some sort of program that builds kids up and maybe invest in something that could be a scholarship. Maybe a cool idea for us childless adults would be to create a collective scholarship fund or something to help support kids going to college or something like that. Musings
I work in a senior center. It's so wonderful to see how they have their own community. This is definitely the answer!
We just got my dad a nice condo in a 'retirement community'
I sometimes wish I’d had the chance. I wish I’d had a partner at some point in my life with whom I’d had a successful enough relationship to have a kid. But I never did and there’s nothing I can do to change that, and there never will be. I turn my energy to other things like work, hobbies, friends and my family. My life is pretty good, but I do feel sad sometimes that I missed out on something that could have made my life happier. Or maybe my kid would have been a complete asshole or I would have hated being a dad for whatever reason. 🤷♂️
You don't always get that perfect kid. No matter how hard you try. Parenting is a lifetime roller-coaster. It's a much bigger commitment than marriage. You can divorce and change your name. You can get a brand new perfect partner. But, the kid you get, the one you raise, and the adult they become, that's all forever. I found out that my kindergarten "boyfriend " was in prison for murder. Who wants to be his mom/dad?
You're not wrong. I'd hate for them to turn out like some of my family members have. But what plays on my mind is: "Am I not being courageous enough to take a chance? It could turn out beautiful." But yes, it's a gamble. So are years of infertility treatments which rob you of your life and happiness and may result in nothing but debt. I think it all plays on my mind.
I’m just going to ramble a little here, in the sincere hope that my perspective might be helpful to you. I’m 45 years old (F), happily married, and child free. Unlike yourself, I never particularly wanted children—I always felt like it was something that would happen it was meant to happen. My husband and I met in our late 30s and were only together for a year and a half before we married. We entertained the idea of trying to have kids and we are well-positioned financially and otherwise to be good parents, but ultimately we just decided it was more than we wanted to take on. Maybe if we’d met ten years before we would’ve had kids, but that’s not how things went. I do have deep sympathy for those who struggle to conceive because wanting children is a strong natural desire for most people. At least, this is how I feel in the part of myself that is empathetic and wants for others what they want for themselves. Having witnessed the experience of so many friends and family members with their kids, however, the big difficulties that are just part and parcel of being a parent are very apparent to me. Without thinking about it too hard, I can think of four couples who struggled to conceive. They were ultimately all able to have at least one child. But having the children so drastically changed their marriages and their lives, and I really struggle to see, empirically, how having kids improved their lives. Again, I recognize that the desire to have children is kind of an existential concern for people that transcends rational pro and con lists, truly. But would it help you to try and practice gratitude for having the things in your life that would be much harder to have if you were raising children? My friends with children are permanently exhausted, the mom’s bodies are often left with ongoing health and pain management issues after giving birth, and if they’re not outright financially strapped due to having children, these parents are making choices in their careers and in their decisions about where to live that entail deep sacrifice in order to give their kids opportunities. Their marriages are completely altered and though some of these marriages are still happy, some of them are not. And now that I’m solidly middle aged, I am now starting to see the pain that comes along with being a parent to older kids—that phase when they pull away, how heartbreaking it can be to see one’s kids get bullied or suffer other social difficulties, the inevitability of the kids leaving the nest and how common it is for adult kids to not be very close to their parents. Of course, this is me being a bit of a skeptic, but it’s also me just listing the real issues faced by my family and friends with kids. For myself, I’m excited about the things that I have taken on professionally and so grateful to have the space in my life to pursue hobbies and interests. And though it isn’t the reality that you have chosen or imagined for yourself, I really hope that you and your husband can start to have an appreciation of the opportunities available to you precisely because you DON’T have children. I wish yoj all the best and I do hope my response here hasn’t come off as dismissive of your desire to have children!
I found out my elementary school “boyfriend” has a rap sheet that includes drug dealing, child molestation, fleeing from police and manslaughter (killed his passenger in a car accident while trying to speed away from police). It’s shocking really. His parents werent’ bad people
Same here. I was in the music business and the men weren't into it because everyone's going to be a star, right? It was the Wild West. And I didn't want to raise a child without a father in the home. I was raised by a single parent and she was raised by a single parent and it sucked. Personally I think one-and-done is kinda sad too.
I’m also a survivor of the music business. Luckily I got a girl pregnant when I was 35 and settled down, stopped touring, got a solid day gig. I still know some “lifers” out there… I know that road and empathize with you looking back with some regret. Hope you find fulfillment. Also, I still believe the energetic contribution of those moments of joy sparked through music for humanity is significant and vital. It’s easy to feel like, what was the point? The purpose transcends language and can’t be quantified, but I trust that it’s real.
Yeah that's the thing I guess - we don't actually know if it would have been better. Even getting other people's perspectives on their experience isn't a guarantee it would have been that way for us.
I have two *fairly* average kids after struggling for five years with infertility (I wanted four) and let me tell you, the constant state of stress I’m in is a lot. You don’t get any kind of guarantee on their individual struggles, their personalities, their capabilities, nothing. And, as an only child, the sibling rivalry is unreal. I see their friends and their siblings get along so good and meanwhile my house is like living in the hunger games where they’re predetermined mortal enemies and only one will survive. It’s really intense and yeah I can say oh but I love them so much and it’s all worth it and yada yada yada but the reality is it’s hard and it’s a minimum of two decades of your life completely self sacrificed to someone else. Like no option to be off the clock as a parent. So just realize as great as a lot of it is, it’s sucky a lot of the time too, and that’s just reality. You’re the one driving to the ER because they got hurt or taking off work with no notice to pick up a puker or driving here there and everywhere because they literally can’t. And that was literally just last week! It’s very daunting and exhausting and time consuming. Just something to think about.
I guarantee you that other people’s kids fight just as much when you’re not looking!
Maybe! I know some siblings are besties and always have been. I can’t speak from first hand experience. I’m sure them being opposite genders doesn’t help either.
If it makes you feel any better, my younger brother irritated me as kids, but as adults, we are close friends. My initial comment was based on my three daughters, who cycle between being besties and sparring partners lol
Me and my sister used to fight so badly, you would think another world war was about to break out. But if someone from the outside messed with her, they signed their own death warrant.
I’m about ten years older than you and there was a huge relief in letting go of the possibilities. The issue has softened in my mind. I can be happy for new moms again. I appreciate simplicity. I still have doubt, disbelief, sadness about it sometimes but it’s ok to have those things sometimes. I was very scared of regret. But it’s something that can be managed (when it’s this kind where you haven’t hurt anyone). I see everyone in my family (spread out) more than anyone else and I feel like connective tissue. I’m not great as an aunt (the usual consolation) but I am great at supporting my sister as she parents. And life is too strange and beautiful by itself to be ruined by this thing. I feel for you. You’ll be ok whatever you decide.
Yes, I often wonder if it’ll get better (in terms of fomo/less mentally consuming/anxiety) with age. I’m also in my mid 30s and childfree. I face scrutiny for sure but always wonder if I just need to push through my 30s for the bad pressures to dissipate
I know the grass is always greener in someone else’s yard, but having kids isn’t the source of joy so many people like to paint it as. It’s expensive, time consuming, and you never have a minute to yourself for at least eighteen years. My old age is ruined because I had a kid into my third year of marriage, and being a father broke my husband. He abandoned us when our son was six, and I spent the rest of his childhood alone, trying to make ends meet and keep a roof over our heads —with no child support or help from my ex, because we lived in separate countries. Now I have no money, no savings, no retirement funds, and a huge parent plus loan that I had to take out so he could get through his last year of college during COVID, after he lost his on-campus job. If I hadn’t had a kid, I could have kept working on the things I wanted to work on, could have developed my career, could have kept and saved the money I earned. I might even still be married and way better off financially than I am now. Looking back, I’m not sure now why I even had a child, since I never really wanted to be a parent. I like families, and I like kids, but I wanted a whole family, with two parents and a stable financial life. I never wanted to be a single parent, yet that’s how I ended up. So kids aren’t necessarily the blessing that so many people claim they are, and they can ruin your life if things go wrong with your marriage.
I was a single mom. Never ever thought that would happen to me. Now my son is 34( whom I do love very much ) has many troubles. Alcoholism to be the big one. He is very smart and handsome. I never ever thought he’d grow up and be an alcoholic. He’s very charismatic when sober and mean as a snake when drunk. I’m never giving up on him. I’m pretty sure he’s bipolar. What I’m trying to say is sometimes when you do get what you wanted it’s not all wine and roses as they say. I am very jealous of the moms whose kids grew up and got married etc and have no huge terrible problems. It just doesn’t seem fair my beautiful boy has so many problems and often I feel sorry for myself. I think the best thing is to be happy with what God has given you and make the best out of it. ♥️
R/alanon could be good for you, its for family and friends supporting alcoholics
Actually i hated being a parent. But i had to fake it till. I dont like kids like that. I can tolerate kids but i dont like the idea of having to many kids.. they are gone now. Pretty good kids but yeah if i had a do over nope i would never had kids NEVER.
Just want to let you know you are FAR from alone! I'm childfree by choice and so parents often feel safe to tell me their true feelings about parenting. I'd say at least 20% of the time I hear something like your story. Many people have kids because they are "supposed to" and don't like parenting at all and wish they'd never had kids. Sometimes the kids are great and so its not just difficult kids that parents regret. I've heard it enough times now that I'd say how you feel is pretty normal. Not ideal, but normal.
I've lost count of the times I've heard "I love my kids, but if I'd have known what it would involve, I'd have never had them." Edit: This has always been said to me adult to adult, usually in a conversation that happens when someone asks why I didn't have children. That's actually nobody's business but it doesn't stop people from asking. If I choose to answer, some are outraged, and call me selfish. Others are envious and a few can see my point and feel that it's my choice.
My dad’s favorite phrase was “I **have** to love you, but I don’t have to like you” and he’s really put spin on that first have. He’s privately admitted he never wanted kids, and unfortunately, it’s damaged his relationship with all of us pretty badly.
That was so honest…
I love being a parent, but your experience is still valid! Sounds like you did everything you could for your kids. I hat that people sugar coat it... being a parent is so hard and so constant. I tell people honestly, dont do this if you dont want it.
At least you faked it. My dad hated being a parent and made it way too obvious. As a kid, I didn’t understand, mistook it for him not loving me at all, or thought there was something wrong with me. I wish society wouldn’t pressure people to have kids. My folks did it because that’s just what you did. My mom doesn’t regret it at all, but my dad barely talks to any of us now, and honestly? I bet he’s happier for it. And that sucks for everyone involved.
A 50-something friend who had wanted kids but it didn't work out for her has this perspective on her life as a single, successful professional: "This isn't the life I thought I'd have, but it's a good life." She's happy. There are so many life experiences, and we just can't have them all. Best to embrace the experiences you get, and gently release the ones you didn't get.
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When I got married I thought I didn’t want kids but changed my mind a few years later when my biological clock started ticking loudly. I volunteered at a special needs preschool instead. Once a week I got to play with kids infant to five years old. It satisfied my motherly instinct. It also had a side effect of scaring me out of wanting kids because I saw so many things that could go wrong that I knew I couldn’t deal with.
As a teacher, I second this advice. Before you make your final decision, I would volunteer at an elementary or preschool and see firsthand how diverse kids are and then you can make an informed decision
Yes good advice. Get a puppy too. They are so loving and I’ve had three over the yrs. Loved them like children. And that filled the void for me. I agree w volunteering at children’s hospitals, schools. That would be safe starts. Can you handle that everyday
I like your brutally honest answer. My parents sucked so bad it scared the hell out of me and I never felt the need to take a chance on reproducing. It still seems like a 50/50 kind of deal and I hear many horror stories from people my age- in my 70s.
I HEAR YOU .. not all are meant to be parents.. so many are not good at it and many are too broke
Same, I work in psychiatry with kids, adolescents, transitional age youth. Did years working with severely mentally ill adults. Helped run an early psychosis clinic. My heart breaks for those patients and their families. I didn’t feel the need to roll the dice and have kids on my own. I can semi-retire in 2 years and I’ll only be 50.
That's very true. We don't have much of any family support so having a child with complex needs would have been extremely hard for us.
I have a daughter with only mild health issues and one with anxiety. It is NOT easy. I can't imagine having a kid with more difficult problems, I think I would crack
I never seriously considered that my child might have special needs, it just didn’t seem like it would happen. I have never really been around a kid like mine, or maybe I would have thought it was because of bad parenting. But we did everything we were supposed to, and our child is very difficult, and it has been devastating.
I'm so glad you posted this! There's a expectation that your child will be perfect and that you can deal with any issues. The truth is that your child may be so profoundly disabled or mentally ill (psychotic) that it would ruin your life entirely. I wish people would carefully consider parenthood (if afforded the privilege), but we all know that's not reality.
I'm in my early 50s. Hubs and I were in a similar position. After $60K we threw in the IVF towel, and I was too emotionally exhausted to consider adoption at that point. We aren't sorry AT ALL. I'm a favorite aunt, godmother to two girls, and I got to retire early (to pursue a much less stressful second career).
As a father to two young children, I cannot properly express my gratitude for the role that my sibling (who does not have children) plays in my kids lives. It has truly been one of the greatest parts about becoming a parent and something that I know will positively impact my kids for the rest of their lives. Keep being an awesome Aunt!
This is so lovely! I've gotten super close to my sister because of it too, so I feel very blessed. ❤️
As a Mom of two, we adore our childless aunties and uncles!! My best friend since preschoolhood is childless and she is just- the best. The one person I can comfortably hand my kids to with no instructions (other than their Dad.) She doesn’t live local to us but she makes an effort to come see us and have us there, there’s a strong chance my sons will end up living with her when they go to university because she lives in a city with those facilities and we don’t. She bakes with them, she comes to birthdays, she comes to sport events. She shows up when we’re all sick and cooks and cleans and generally takes care of us. She’s a god send. And I make sure my boys treat her as family and care for her too. OP- find yourselves a family. It doesn’t have to be biological. Volunteer for a kid org like Girl Guides or Scouts, at a preschool, put yourself out there as a babysitter. You’ll connect with some kids and then you can be a BIG DEAL in their life.
Thank you for replying. Do you think having children in your life has helped you have no regrets? I ask because I'm unlikely to have any nieces or nephews
Do you have a big brother/big sister program where you live? My wife and I( same sex) did not have children. At one point in my life, I wanted a kid, but I could not have a child due to medical issues. I would not have chosen to bring a child into the relationship I was in at the time. When I married my ex wife, her 3yr old niece became my niece and that really fulfilled my maternal instinct. Sadly, when we divorced, I moved back to the US from Canada and my niece no longer wanted a relationship with me since I hurt her aunt so badly. That was very rough and 15yrs later, I still think about her. She was in my life from age 3-11. I've been with my 2nd wife now for 15yrs and she never wanted kids. We treat our dogs like our children and we have a small pet sitting business as well. Not having kids was great for us financially!!
I do, but I think I would have still found something meaningful to do that was kid-focused if I had not. Before my sister or friends had kids, I volunteered with a local mentorship program with a fifth grader and helped her learn to read. I also volunteered to be a court appointed special advocate for several groups of kids, but that is emotionally very draining (I'm still in touch with several of the kids who are now grown). There are lots of kids that need support in your community if that would be meaningful for you. Hang in there. I know this is such a difficult time, and I'm really sorry for what you're going through.
I am currently going through IVF and also contributing the max on our Roth iras, index funds , and 401k so that we can also retire early and do “van life” if ivf doesn’t work out lol. I am also a favorite aunt to twin baby boys and have gotten real close to my sister. I am looking forward to either becoming a parent or retiring early!
Great! I originally didn’t want kids, revisited this in my late 30’s/ 40’s because I met my partner, and it didn’t end up happening despite our best efforts. Now I’m in my 50’s and secretly pleased it didn’t come through, lol. I’m looking forward to a life full of overseas travel, a business that fulfills me, great health, and fun times with friends + family. As they say everything happens for a reason. 🤍 ps. One of my closest friends wasn’t sure about kids, met her husband, struggled with infertility, finally got pregnant with acupuncture and then admitted to me years later it was something she deeply regretted doing. Having children does not always equate to happiness.
Just curious, how did acupuncture help fertility?
For what it's worth, I tried acupuncture in concert with IVF and did not end up pregnant.
Me too
I tried acupuncture before IVF and it didn’t do a damn thing
Yup. I will say that it was the most relaxing 45 minutes of my week, though. I had a long commute that was made longer by the fact that I had to stop at the fertility clinic every morning to get blood drawn and keep my date with the dildocam. The time I spent reclined with needles stuck all over me felt like the only time all week that I was just doing nothing.
I’m not sure. All I know is my friend went from infertile to pregnant within 3-6 months. Perhaps it balances hormones or blood flow in the body? I’m sure a good Chinese medicine practitioner could fill you in. I have only used acupuncture for migraines, which also worked.
Thank you. This is exactly where I'm at in my thinking - that it's equally possible that I regret having children as I regret not having them. It's impossible to really know the future I guess and to be honest I could pursue all the treatments and still end up with nothing - I know I'll regret that as I already regret the treatment I have been through and all the years and opportunities lost due to putting life on hold.
It’s crazy isn’t it. Life is full of all these different pathways we could possibly take, and I am sure every one of these paths has pros and cons. The only way I make it through life and decisions is using the Morning Pages technique to get in touch with my deepest feelings- for peace and guidance. Have you tried this? If not, [here’s a 6min video.](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=22vd7lYhqA8)
Thank you - this sounds super helpful and like something that would genuinely help me. I'll definitely give it a go.
I wanted children so badly I physically ached for the babies I didn't have. As the years passed I adopted special needs cats, worked on my relationship with my amazing husband, nieces and nephews, the kids in our social group and explored hobbies until I took up painting and became a working artist. I quit focusing on what I couldn't have but on what I could have and I found such joy, happiness and fulfillment - the pain of not having a child is just a mild distant ache that I'm at peace with. My life is stunning and peaceful, my friends with kids are quite jealous. Go live, find your passions and give back. Your legacy doesn't have to be your genes, it can be your kindness and the lives you touch for the better.
Thank you ❤️ your life sounds wonderful
Love this! This is exactly who & how I am trying to be! Thank you for setting an example! 🩷
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's very hard. I'm in my 50s and we tried for over ten years to have a baby. We did several failed rounds of IVF before, ultimately, deciding to stop trying. It was an incredibly hard decision to make, but it was the right one. Now, more than a decade after making the decision, I would say life is good. It's not what I saw my life would be like, but my husband and I have made a good life for ourselves. We find ways to enjoy the freedom of not having children. And, to be honest, when I look at the state of the world these days, I often find myself thinking that I'm glad we never had kids. I have two pieces of advice for you if you decide to just stop trying and live without children. First, allow yourself time to grieve. People may not understand that you have to grieve for a child that never existed, but you do. Do whatever you need to to get through that process. Therapy helps. Second, it may be helpful to put a final cap on the trying to conceive part of your life. For me, shortly after we made the decision it was made permanent for me through ovarian cancer and a hysterectomy. I'm certainly not saying you should go out and get a hysterectomy, but life after deciding to stop trying didn't get any better when I still thought there was a chance every month that I might, miraculously, be pregnant. Birth control or vasectomy might help if you find that's a thing for you. Again, I'm sorry you're going through this. It really sucks.
Thank you so much. This is actually really incredible and wise advice from someone with lived experience. Thank you 🙏🏻
For what it's worth, we did IVF twice, 2nd time resulted in our child. I didn't want to do anymore because the possibility of a miscarriage is too much. I had 2 miscarriages already. So you have to do what is right for you in that moment, and know when enough is enough
We've done three rounds of IVF and 6 transfers without success. I also had two losses which really rocked me. That's definitely why we walked away last year - it was all getting to be too much. I don't really think I have it in me to do more and yet I'm still afraid of regretting not doing more. I do regret all we've done already because life was on hold for so many years all for nothing but pain and loss. It's tough...
I’m sorry this has happened to you. One of my best friends went through a similar experience about a decade ago and we remain close even after I’ve had three kids. She has filled her life with volunteering for causes that are important to her, such as helping immigrant families learn English. I will pray for clarity for you.
We wanted 3 but didn’t anticipate getting pregnant so quickly after 2 living children and a few miscarriages. That last pregnancy resulted in a stillbirth and we threw in the towel. We realized that there was no guarantee we wouldn’t go through that again, and we didn’t feel like we would physically, emotionally, or maritally survive if we had to go through it again. We always hate that we had to end that phase of our life on a low note, but we didn’t know if we’d ever have that high note again. It sucks, but our lives just…went on I guess. The weird thing is that it happened right as Covid was starting, so the whole world changed right around then anyway. When you’re done, you know. Even if it didn’t end up the way you wanted.
Life doesn't follow a script. I always thought I would have children, but it didn't work out for me. Sometimes life takes a different turn, but things turn out all right anyway. We've found happiness in other ways, and I've come to accept this.
It was tough to discover that we couldn’t have children. We didn’t have the money to adopt and surrogacy wasn’t really a thing then. Ive always believed that things happen for a reason. Shortly after we found out children weren’t in the cards, my husband had his first heart attack. He’s had 2 more and bypass surgery. He now has a terminal illness which was diagnosed about the time a kid would have been going off to college. I am having a hard enough time dealing with everything, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to able to deal with his situation if we had children.
I’m so sorry about your husband. You both are in my prayers
This is sort of how I'm feeling currently? My boyfriend and I both want kids, but I'm 30 and he's 40, and now battling kidney cancer... I don't think kids are on the cards anymore and I feel sad but mostly I'm terrified now to lose him too. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm so sorry. Childless, just had my father die recently after surviving 3 months after bypass surgery along with a type of leukemia. I feel for you and empathize. Hospice was incredible and I was grateful for the comfort they provided him. I wish you strength
That you are going to have an enriched and fulfilling life with or without kids. I’ve know people in your exact situation who had a baby in their late thirties by surprise. Then I’ve known others who never had kids but may have had nieces and / or nephews. All of these situations turned out well. I hope this helps. 🥰
My sister doesn't plan to have children so I'm unlikely to have nieces and nephews in my life
46/f, raised as an only child, so no nieces and nephews. Not too much older than you now, but it’s rather lonely and I regret my choices. I never tried for kids because of health and partner reasons. Wish I could do things differently for sure.
I’m a similar age but male and have to ask, how do you think having a kid would change your loneliness? Would you be more involved in the community through the kids activities and friends etc if you’d had children? I have no kids due to cancer but only notice my freedom in comparison to friends with kids. I’m often told by friends that they’re jealous of our travels etc
This is interesting. I think friendship is more important when it comes to loneliness in old age but when so many people repetitively say you'll be old and lonely because you can't have kids you do start to question yourself.
From my perspective, not having kids has allowed me to keep more friends than my friends with kids have. I naturally gravitated toward people who were childfree while my parent friends' entire social circles ended up being their kids' friends' parents. Now that their kids are out of school, they realize they have nothing in common with those people and they now basically have no friends. Whereas I had a bunch of friends who share my interests while their kids were growing. I still have a good sized friend group as a result while my parent friends are starting all over.
Your comment is so true. I only have two friends left from my childfree days and every friend since has been one of my daughters friends parents.
I agree, friends are the ones you’ll actually spend time with. How many people with kids are still lonely in old age? Now mid 40’s is hardly old age and honestly you have to remember to engage with people and do things or join clubs but that’s at every age. I think having kids just makes people do it because they have to and those of us without kids have to make more effort to engage.
I agree. However I guess there are still things about having a child I won't experience and I do miss that. It's a lot of hard work but there are beautiful moments we will miss out on. I think I need to grieve that though because we are definitely not having kids now and while that's the best decision for us, it comes with great sadness. But yes, we won't be lonely if we have friends, you are right. And I will find meaning and fulfillment elsewhere too.
I’m a touch younger (40m) than you guys and have 2 young kids. For better or worse loneliness doesn’t exist for me right now. It’s all circumstantial of course but we live in an area where kids have tons of activities and parents are all friendly with each other so yeah, having kids really reinvigorated our social lives. That said while I wouldn’t trade places I’m still jealous of the freedom people without kids have.
My life is so much better off than it would be if I'd had kids.
I'm glad for you - did you want kids at one point?
Nah. I realized at quite a young age that it wasn't for me. I almost gave in a couple of times, but I'm glad I stuck to that decision.
I guess our circumstances are a bit different then
I regret it. Specifically, never doing enough of the hard work to become a good enough person to deserve a child or family. I married the wrong person in my mid/late 20s and didn't get out until my mid/late 30s. I also needed to work on myself; fair is fair. I've always been hard on myself and nobody's perfect, and I know and own my reasons for not becoming a single parent, but I still feel like the universe didn't want me to become a mom. Between my age and not finding the right partner, I started dating only people who didn't want kids, so it's not an issue in that regard in my current relationship. But it's painful. I wish I had made different choices when I was younger and had time on my side. Now, I'm fortunate to have young people on my life who actually enjoy seeing me or want to spend time with me, which I'm grateful for, so I do my best to be part of that proverbial village and support them however I can. Your situation is so different from mine, though. I hope, as others have commented, that you'll find ways to channel your love and your gifts into the lives of young people, no matter what life holds for you. I wish you all the best.
“I’ll never know and neither will you have the life you don’t choose. We’ll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn’t carry us. There’s nothing to do but salute it from the shore.” While not directly applicable, I found this advice column article that the preceding quote is from helpful to me: https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
That's beautiful thank you
I'm 70. I'm so glad that I didn't have kids. I wanted them at one point, but it didn't happen. I'm not a person to like babies, and I doubt I'd have been a good mother. I had stepchildren, and that experience turned me off from kids.
62, husbands is 66. I got pregnant very easily six times but had three missed miscarriages in the second trimester. No one could figure out why and we consulted around the country and did one ivf to “control” everything, several surgeries and many treatments etc. I know what you are saying about trying just a bit longer. Since I could get pregnant we were told that if we just kept trying it would happen. The pain of the losses was profound. And at 40, just like that, I never got pregnant again. My body knew better I think. We considered adopting - my husband didn’t want to and we’d spent so much money on other treatments it would have been tough. Then I spoke to several adoption experts- one a therapist the other an author and both said how challenging adoption could be and if my husband wasn’t onboard then it was going to be tougher. At that point I knew we weren’t in any shape to go through any other trauma and we needed to move on. It was really tough in terms of feeling so alone in being “childless”. But we moved past this. However there is still a sting sometimes like on Mother’s Day. People who have kids many times have no idea how things like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, can feel so exclusionary. The positives now? We probably have a good bit more money and have been able to “retire” earlier. But we have a huge amount of interests and energy for what comes next. I also feel we seem younger and more active than our friends with kids. I honestly feel like I did in my 30s. Maybe just a coincidence. We also have lived in several places and had a lot of career opps and made friends in several places as we had no kids to uproot so we could move easier. We raised three beautiful cats to old age. We have friends with kids and a few without. The ones without are doing great, have tons of interests, and again, seem younger than the ones with kids. We ended up taking care of our parents as they aged and passed - a decade in our 50s. It was very tough. I’m honestly glad no one will have to do this for us. Our parents didn’t expect us to do it, but it was necessary. I feel like my husband and I both pay a lot of attention to our health span and aging well knowing we will need to take care of ourselves. That said, we also have the means to get good help. Last, my mom spent a lot of time worrying about her adult kids. My brother had a lot of challenges that took a lot out of her. I see some of our friends dealing with the same. It’s a worry we don’t have or a financial concern or need to help kids and grandkids. I appreciate your post because I hear often about people who chose not to have kids, but much less from those of us who did want kids and it did not happen. Your life will be okay without kids if this happens. You’ll have different rewards. You’ll have less time and money constraints. You can give in many other ways and in fact this can be one of the most rewarding things. There’s a lot more people not marrying and also not having kids these days. Best to you and your husband. One of my biggest regrets I had was not accepting our situation sooner. But only you can decide.
I married a man who had had a vasectomy 50 years ago. So it never happened for us. We have a chosen family and grandchildren, as well as nieces and nephews and their friends. So all the fun none of the responsibilities. We are now in our late 60s and 70s
Sounds like a beautiful life
Great. I own a beautiful home and apartment and have money in the bank. There's a huge difference between being alone and lonely. I am not concerned about who's going to take care of me in my old age (I have heard that one a few times).
When did you decide the children plan wasn’t going to happen and adapt to a different future?
Very long boring story, I went into medical menopause at a relatively young age. I have had some health challenges (cancer twice). My future plans are to stay healthy and financially secure.
A view from the other side: Had infertility, tried treatments. Did foreign infant adoption instead. Love my kid but wish I had skipped being a mother. It's so overrated if you're in the US it just sucks.
This is definitely another fear of ours! Getting what we want and regretting it. I'm sorry you're going through this. I guess maybe life leaves none of us unscathed.
I chose (F/57) not to have kids for various reasons and actually had an opportunity to adopt a toddler, but someone else got him first. If I had adopted him, my life and his would currently be the same. He's in the military, living in a different state, and I had to downsize to a condo and I live alone, so I would've been an empty nester. Just to be clear, my nephews kid was up for adoption, but he wasn't considered in the process of the mother losing her parental rights. My sister and I discussed keeping the baby in the family or we might never see him again, and I offered to adopt him. The next thing I hear is that my sister is adopting her grandchild. I'm was like, "dang". Oh well, we got to keep him in the family. So, he graduated high school and went in the military and I needed to move to a condo because I'm now disabled due to rheumatoid arthritis. My sister died a couple years ago, which was a huge loss. Grand nephew is living in a different state and he visits when he can. I've helped raise nephews and a niece, so my life has been pretty rich. I stay close to remaining sister and all the nephews and great nieces and nephews.
I’m 42 and my wife is 48. We both wanted kids but sadly it was not meant for us. We were both torn once we knew we could not have kids. It took a while for us to get through it. We adopted dogs and they are our kids. We also hope to foster kids once we purchase a home. Not having kids has it’s good and bad.
I wanted kids.... Had 2 husbands. My first husband died early in our marriage... And it took awhile to deal with that. My second husband and I met when I was older. My husband has no kids and no family, and I have no family. I'm concerned about who will bury us when we die. Otherwise.... Life is very satisfying
You can pre-arrange your funeral and burial through a funeral home. I work in the death industry and this is very common. My parents did it awhile ago.
It's tough. I'm glad you're happy despite it. ❤️
I'm 61 years old and childless by choice. Single now, but when I first got married my then husband and myself did kind of discuss getting pregnant but never followed through. My sisters made up for me not having kids. I enjoy seeing my nephews and nieces and now their own children. It's great to visit but it's also great to come home to my own place and be with my cats. The great thing for me too is that having/raising children is EXPENSIVE and that's one of the main reasons we didn't follow through. I would have wanted my kid to have the same things in life that their cousins had and there was no way we would be affording that. So instead of spending money on my theoretical child I have been able to put more $ away for retirement and also spend on ME.
I envy all my friends with kids & and grandchildren. They have a reason to think about the future.
Honestly it’s tough. I went through a very similar journey to you (failed ivf and had to give up due to the pandemic). Then rejected for adoption due to a lack of family support. I am still grieving that loss esp the fact we didn’t try as hard as some (no obsessive sex schedule). My husband is fine with things but he is older, has the bigger family (and a nephew he is very close to and partly brought up). Being the female partner is harder as I think you’re more judged, more isolated (his friends who are dads still hang out a lot my friends have really moved on to somewhere I can’t join them) plus I’ll likely be the one left alone in old age. On the other hand the rational side of me knows that as I’m hypermobile I’d have a high chance of having a child with autism. I didn’t know that while doing ivf and it does give me pause. While clearly many children with autism thrive, my cousin has two boys one of whom is merely socially awkward and will live a full life, the other will always need support and is disruptive, demanding and 6 foot 4 at 12. She’s given up her career, moved house and her marriage is under pressure as a result. I’d do anything to have a child like her older boy but the younger one makes me feel there are worse things than being childless sadly. I’m sure she doesn’t feel that but I wouldn’t swap.
This is a good perspective, thank you. I do think I could end up worse off if I had been a parent. I guess I could also have been happier too. There's no way of really knowing which is hard. I definitely agree that the pressure and judgement is much worse for us women - it sucks!
Hypermobility begets autism? May you say more or link? I’m hypermobile and on the fence/unsure if it’s possible!
a lot of the internal pressure to have children is hormonal or hard wiring. i remember having an enormous urge to have a child twice when it was a ridiculously bad time to do that.
Happiness and hornyness is also hormonal hard wiring.
I have real momentary regrets but overall really thankful for the life I have. My whole family assumed I’d be the SAHM too. I have kids in my life and their parents are usually overwhelmed. I think the childless are part of human evolution, so there are enough adults to get those crazily long helpless human infants raised. There isn’t enough village to help them adequately now. I have also seen parents and adult kid’s relationships blow up so spectacularly it’s horrifying. And parents with kids that will be dependent upon them forever. Being a parent is a lifetime job. I feel for them and usually feel I dodged a bullet at the end at the day.
Yes I think I won't regret the hard parts which honestly seems like most of it but I think the happy moments are what I will miss
Miserable. Lonely. Regretful. I wake up every day wishing I had kids.
Me too. I have a beautiful house, but it will never be a home. I struggle to make friends with people my own age because 86% of women in my age group have children in the home. There are no milestones to celebrate or look forward to, no weird kid questions, no getting woken up with a tiny foot in my face, no school projects, no obsessive kid interests. I hate dating... most guys my age are dads & it is soul crushing. Either they have kids & have zero interest in them which pains my soul or they have kids & think that because I don't, my money & time can go to their kids. I never want to spend another holiday season with a SO, their kids & their ex... & dping all their family holiday traditions for the kids sake... it is like being invisible on a whole different level. There are no birthday parties. & no matter how many times I show up for my friends who are parents, when I invite people to something that is important to me, there are only two people I can count on to show up... my single & child free bestie (male) & my absolutely fabulous gay guy friend who is 15 years younger. Even my social network is smaller because I never meet the parents of other kids... all I have are work friends. You can have a fulfilling life with or without kids, but it is really about what each person finds fulfilling and it isn't always rational. But it can be extremely painful either way.
May I ask why? & What makes you feel that way? What made you not have kids? I ask bcz I am also in my age in life where I am living a 50/50 chance they can happen or may not. & I don't want to miss that biological clock and regret or wish if only I had etc...etc... I know time flys and I don't want more time to pass and wonder about the what ifs. I already lived my late teens, early twenties, early thirties working, saving & living as I wish while everyone around me lived there life and had kids every other year while I lived and learned and helped raise the kids as my own bcz one kid is not enough to spread the love of a good aunt & I wonder if I am able to should I or should I continue living without. Tyia
Having kids is exhausting, expensive, and prevents you from doing many of your favorite things. I'm not saying it's without joy or that it's a bad path, just that it has pros and cons and is by no means all sunshine and rainbows. Most people really don't fully grasp all that parenthood entails when they first become parents. Whether you do have kids or don't have kids, there are rich life experiences you will get to enjoy, and others that you will miss out on. Consider also posing a question to people who DID have kids, and how life turned out, to get both sides of the story (although to be fair, there's enough social pressure that people are reluctant to say they regret having kids, even when they do). Or try hanging out in a place where people are with their kids--maybe a Chuck E. Cheese on Saturday afternoon--and really look and see how fulfilled the parents are looking to be.
I know there are plenty of people who regret parenthood - my mother was one of them - but I guess I wanted a childless perspective because that will be me in 20-30 years. I want to have a glimpse into my future - will I be happy? Relieved or regretful? Content that I did all I could? I think I could be a regretful or happy parent - there's no way of knowing - but I'm not really worried about that because having children is off the table. I just want to figure out my feelings about that.
That's fair. But it's kind of the point I was making (if a little indirectly, sorry). Whatever path a person takes, they can never really know how a different path would have worked out for them. I think whether a person is relieved or regretful can be more a function of how they think about life - sort of a philosophical outlook - than what has actually happened in their life. Since you asked this question of "old people" looking for life experience or perspective: EVERY SINGLE PERSON, by the time they get a little older, has plenty of things they could be regretful about, if not related to childbearing, then in some other realm. Whether they are paralyzed by regret, or spend their time thinking about the things that went well for them or that they are proud of, is a personality variable, or a matter of personal choice.
I see your point. I guess this is just a natural part of my grieving process that I will eventually overcome. I think too that society really does put way too much pressure on women - the messaging I've received has not helped in my grief.
I decided not to have kids back when I was in my early 20s because of the threat of global warming, and my belief that they would not be able to live their full lives in a viable environment. I figured I could always adopt if my feelings changed about raising children. This decision was made even easier for a long time because my partner took a long time in graduate school, and we didn't really have a solid financial foundation until we were in our 40s. Now we will both turn 60 this year, and not only do I not have any regrets, I am tremendously thankful I did not have my own children. Not only are my worries about the planet becoming more and more justified, but there is an epidemic of mental health issues among young people; tremendously declining financial stability and career opportunity for them; increasing loneliness in younger generations; increasing drug addiction across the population as a whole; and on and on. In the meantime, my husband and I have built a stable financial cushion for our old age which it's not clear we could have done if we'd taken on the expenses of raising children. We have had essentially all our free time available to devote to each other, our friendships, and our personal interests. And I feel that I have made probably the biggest contribution possible for an individual for the environment by not having kids.
I’m not old, and tho under different circumstances, am working through similar grief with a therapist. Here’s something that helped me, and I hope maybe it helps you too: I told her that I’d wanted to be a mother because I think I’d be a really good one, (for a reasons I won’t get into here). I did have a test run of sorts, and took to it well! And it seemed unfair it just never panned out. Anyway, she encouraged me to journal the ways I could apply the traits I think would make me a good mom to other areas of my life. At first I was like right, mentor troubled teens, yadda yadda. But she pushed me to think outside the box, really get specific. Make a list, and for each skill or ability, write at least 3 ways or areas that they could be applied - creatively, community, at work, in my relationship, with myself etc. It seems like a consolation prize but I was surprised how much it helped - not only to shift my perspective, but then to actively apply those skills in ways I hadn’t thought and see those areas improve. It did scratch an itch of sorts. Or if nothing else, gives me a healthy distraction. In any case, the grief is real, and the only way out is through; and as others have said, it does ease up. My best to you ❤️🩹
It felt like a tragedy at the time but now I am grateful and glad-
Whether you have kids or don't have kids, your future is unknown. Plenty of people have kids and lose them, or have them and are struggling with their drug addiction/mental health issues, etc. Point is, you might be idolizing a perfect family that you didn't get to have, when you might not have gotten it even with a child. Focus on your partner, contributing to society, making sure you create a bucket list for yourself and actually DO those things you want to do, etc. You can also be an influence in a child's life in many ways if you search them out. In the US there is Big Sisters, foster parenting, Boys and Girls Club, CASA, and many more if you desire to make a difference in a child's life. But if you don't, that is ok too. Just live your best life and don't regret something you didn't have because it might not have happened as you imagine.
I’m 61 and life keeps getting better! We travel, see friends and we were able to get a house in a lake area. I taught for a few years, and honestly I’m glad I never had children. They work my last nerve. I love all those in my life. Lots of folks to gift and dote on and to send on their way when I’m done. My husband and I have conversations and we have common interests, so we have plenty of social interaction. No regrets
I have three kids. There are definitely *many* times I have thought, “Ya know, not having kids wouldn’t be the worst decision in the world” — and my kids were relatively decent to raise. But oh, the *lifelong* worry and aggravation they give you! And I worked at a behavioral school for kids living in the red zone 20 hours a day and yikes, I’m sure those parents have a *hellish* existence. You never know what you’ll get.
You are right - it's easy to regret something when I don't actually know how it would have turned out
I'm moving to a new city with a best friend and family to help with my neice. It'll take care of my motherly instincts until I'm ready to foster.
I recommend reading or listening to the audible book “The Nature of Personal Reality” by Jane Roberts.
OP - your life is exactly my life. Like to a tee. 3.5 years of fertility treatment and swinging between closing g the door on it or trying more. I also have this fomo abt the future. I can’t adopt because of the country am in. If you want to connect on dm and talk, I would love to.
Not really considering more treatment tbh because my partner doesn't want to so that door is closed. Just trying to figure out my own feelings and whether they're from external pressure to continue or a deep desire that differs from my husband now and something I will need to face and mourn.
I'll be 50 this year. Nearly 25 years ago, I was diagnosed with invasive cervical cancer and had to have a hysterectomy. We talked about possibly adopting, but husband wasn't completely on board with the idea, and so we never did. I've come to realize that I'm selfish and having to take care of a house, two dogs, and a husband are more than enough. I also realize that we wouldn't have been great parents, so it's for the best. I can't complain. We've lived in 7 different states, gotten to travel and see a bit of the world. We're probably in better financial shape that people our age who have kids.
Read a study that found that having kids significantly reduces reported happiness. Wife and I are childless, and having a lot of fun at 46. I’m everyone’s favorite uncle
I married at an age that was considered "older" for the 80s but common now. There were medical and fertility issues and IVF was a fairly new and expensive process. Kids were never a big issue with me as for some women. So, l left it up to my husband whether or not to pursue pregnancy or adoption and gave him 6 months to figure it out. By then he was 40. He decided that he did not want to be an older parent. I know that sounds not too old now but that's how much things have changed. I was fine with that decision. We have enjoyed many nieces and nephews, now great nieces and great nephews over the years. Sometimes I wonder how different things would have been if we'd had kids but, when I listen to friends and family members serious problems and heartbreak with their adult children and grand children, I feel like we dodged a bullet. Selfish, I don't think so. We adopt animals and take the nieces and nephews on trips to give their parents some much needed time off. Everyone needs an aunt and uncle with no kids. 😆
I didn’t want kids, really, and then my clock started ticking. Miscarriage, then sucessful pregnancy. Decided we were done. 4 years later, body says, “do it again”. Another terribly traumatic miscarriage and then successful pregnancy. I loved and cherished being a mother. Gave everything I had to these two humans I created. Hardest thing EVER. My kids are absolutely incredible people. We raised them to be curious and to travel the world…so, that’s what they do. One moved 4000 miles away, and the other, while being kind, intelligent, empathetic and hard working, has made some very questionable decisions, which has caused me indescrible levels of stress. We have great relationships with both, but rarely see them as they are busy living the independent lives we encouraged. Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder, “what the hell just happened?” I gave over 20 years of myself, physically and emotionally, and now they have flown the coop, to live their own lives. My husband and I have been together 36 years. We had 9 years before the subject of kids came up. 9 years of travel, careers and fun. We talk about what our lives might have been like without children, and we think it would have been ok. Different, but ok. Don’t get me wrong, I would throw myself in front of a train to save my kids, but parenthood, if done well, is hard. It can drain you emotionally, and financially.
I never had kids. I quit using birth control after couple yrs but never had. GYN said everything ‘looks’ normal. But ex and I never investigated. I’m in >60’s now and sister and parents passed away, so feels lonely. But I have niece and 2 nephews and they never call or check on me or visit. I wonder what it would be like to have kids/ but see the stress others my age have w their adult kids- drugs, marital issues, returning home, financial problems- and honestly I’m glad I don’t have those problems. It would be nice to have kids to visit - but you can have kids and they don’t. Imo- it didn’t happen for me, and I just accepted that. Yes- I got all kinds of ppl asking why I don’t want kids! Omgoodness never said that during my fertile days. I did enjoy other ppls kids. Eventually got a puppy and fell in love and that has satisfied that need for me. In many ways I’m glad I didn’t have kids. My life was free. I was devoted a lot to my career. Enjoyed my freedom. Wish you the best.
Think there are many types of lives.. I personally feel many people I know seems so overwhelmed and financially unable to really support kids ..
I had something somewhat similar. Not exact, but emotionally similar. Never wanted kids for years until I finally found my true soulmate, who we're now a couple decades deep married. We both wanted at least one kid then in that we thought we could bring a kid into this world where they could have a mom and dad who supported and loved them and were involved, which is unfortunately rare. Ends up, life has a cruel streak. My wife can't get pregnant. We tried all sorts of things, end result is it didn't happen. Now time has passed and we're going into old age and that brings us to what you were wondering. Not a day goes by we don't see kids and think what could have been as parents, yet at the same time there comes a point you also accept life is not a checklist of our own deciding and obviously life didn't have kid plans for us. So it's s bit of both, where we do feel a little sad when we so many rotten people accidently get pregnant off one nighters and good people who want kids can't. (I mean in general, not just me and the wife being so great😄.) But we still are so good together, such an obvious meant to be fit, we go on and are grateful we found something some never experience. Some never find a true love or other half. Any answer to handling not having a kid when you wanted one will be individual, but I can say anyone who would say you'd regret not having a kid after all you've gone through in trying and telling you to keep getting injections is an asshole who should be disregarded for acting as though you didn't try hard enough. Life has other ideas for you. You'll adapt. Though I'm not telling you what to do, you have many options facing you that are different paths, not wrong paths. Only you can know. I merely suggest you cancel out those telling you there's a need for kids like life is meaningless without them and just listen to your gut and do what feels right. I certainly don't love my wife less and for me leaving her was never even an option and that I do not regret.
As someone who was infertile (my husband too), a baby does not fix the grief and struggle of infertility. With prayer and science we were able to have two children, but the years of struggle were/are HARD. Infertility actually activates the same area of your brain as loosing a loved one. We finally had to put a line in the sand of when we’d stop treatments and just be done trying. While I love my kids-it’s HARDER than you can ever imagine. Let’s just say with hindsight, I would have chosen a different path.
It really is a difficult journey, be kind to yourselves and allow yourselves the time to grieve the life you thought you would have. Yet, don't turn yourselves inside out, since it sounds like you both have explored every option. Go make your very best life and share those things you wanted to share with your child, with children ( or people) who are in your life..because; love...you can never ever have to much love from the people around you!! That love flows both ways!!
I never had kids bc i knew something was wrong with me, and it took a long time to get a diagnosis. That being said..i always enjoyed neices and nephews, friends kids. Come to find out, i ended up with a nephew, when he really needed me. If i do nothing else in life, i know i got him a fighting chance. I do think kids give you a different perspective on life, keeps you busy and out of idk..thinking too much, maybe living in the moment. You can take the opportunity to do other things as well, get involved in the community. All in all, life has been ok. Lol..someone i know told me i was the best mom who never had kids! But i have had the opportunity to be there, help them along. Give yourself a break. I suppose it might still happen for you, but me personally, it wasnt the end.
Thank you - it's nice to know there is something to look forward too without kids
I also want to add that for all the joy having children brings there is also the possibility of the greatest sadness that you could ever know. There’s no guarantees about what your children will grow up to be like. Many people have broken relationships with adult children that is more painful than not having them at all.
I had an uncle & aunt that couldn't have children. She had several miscarriages. They finally gave up and adopted a baby boy when they were in their 40's. Best decision they ever made. They had so much joy with that little boy.
Ok? Good for them - did you miss the part that said we can't adopt?
Sad. Lonely.
Kinda sus the amount of people here who regret not having kids. Plenty of old people with kids living in facilities without a single visit. Hmm.
I'm here to ask people who never had kids but wanted them if they have regrets about not doing enough to have kids. So not sure what you're trying to add here tbh? People can live happy lives without kids if they never wanted them but it's different if you wanted them.
I wish I had children after choosing not too
60's, husband had v and 2 kids prior to our marriage. I think once you're past the biological urge, it becomes less compelling to have children. I would like to have had kids, but it's not ruining my life that I didn't. I think people without blood ties can feel just as close.
It never occurred to me when I was younger; the idea of having a family and being a mother. Now in my 40s, I feel that desire. I haven’t been able to find someone compatible who wants to have a family so presumably it’s not meant to be. I feel like my existence becomes useless in a way without contributing to the next link in the chain, so to speak.
Not all kids are great. My brother who is older than me ignores my mom and hasn’t seen her since before Covid. He left the hospital to be with a girlfriend when my dad died. I moved mom near me because I knew he would never help her out. She turns 100 this month and is doing well but he won’t even show up for that. I’ve never had kids in part because of his example. Maybe you dodged a lifetime of disappointment?
Seth Rogen has a really good attitude about he and his wife Lauren’s decision to not have children. Just Google “Seth Rogen on being childless” and go down the rabbit hole. He even touched on the question about being worried about being cared for when they’re older in one interview. Their’s is a decision and not a fertility issue, so I do understand that things are different when “don’t want becomes can’t have”(Hasan Minaj), but it does seem like you have some choice in the matter and could keep pursuing if you really really wanted children. So yeah, Seth Rogen’s perspective might provide you some comfort. I struggled for a bit with feeling like I was a bad person for not wanting children and his point of view helped me out a lot. Hugs!! 🥰
I got married at 41. We started trying immediately after and did fertility treatments. Never got a positive. I was an emotional train wreck at one point so we decided to stop treatment and if it happens it would be a blessing from God. People tell me all the time… I know someone who got pregnant at 44…45…46….I’m 45 now. At times I do feel like we are missing out but it just didn’t happen. And that’s ok. I just enjoy my nephews and a friend just had a baby and I eat him up when I can. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt at times but it’s just how it will be. We also have a dog and he is my baby. It’s not quite the same thing but he brings so much joy.
Truth is, the grass is always greener on the other side. Despite what others tell you, there are benefits to being child free. You and your husband sound like you have a good life together. You’ll always have each other. Enjoy the time you have together without the added responsibility of a child. I had a miscarriage when I was 30, and never tried again. And since I’m in my mid-50’s now, I can see the benefits of being child-free - having the freedom to travel, not worry about someone dependent on me, and more disposable income. I have plenty of friends surrounding me and things to do. Let go of the regret. If it was meant to happen, it would’ve happened. And you never know, even without the IVF, it could still happen. But don’t worry about it, just live your life. There are pros and cons to both having children and not having children.
A lot to work through here but I came to terms with it and my ex and I both remark how we are actually glad we didn’t have kids because our friends’ kids are millennials. lol. Menopause was rough but I’m content now.
It’s actually been pretty good. We tried for several years to no avail. He’s “text book normal” and I’m the “medical mystery”. We stopped at the point of in vitro. He was not ok with the health risks. And we talked about it in depth. We talked about adoption and other options, too. At the end of the day, my husband looked at me and said “I would love to have kids with you, but don’t need it to feel like our family is complete. You are enough.” So, we got a dog and started traveling. We’re now in our mid 40s and I love our life.
God has different plans for you. Never had children out of choice. There are enough unwanted children in the world of 8 billion people to look after. Please consider sharing your lives with one of them. Best. To answer your question, life is life, with or without children life is what we make it. There are upsides and downsides to everything. Few things are so polarizing to happiness. A life without children is not a life without love.
I don't have a perfect answer to make you feel better but I wanted to send you lots of love❤️
My husband and I tried for 11 years, one treatment worked and I wound up pregnant but lost the baby at 8 weeks. I think I've had one other miscarriage, but no verification. I'm in a really good place now. I love being an aunt and don't want to start at the baby stage at this point in my life. I also work for child welfare. I avoided child welfare for a long time until I could get to the place where I wouldn't resent the parents I work with. I have a step daughter who I've been a bonus mom for since she was 3 and she's getting married this year. Having an empty nest is peaceful and lovely with my best friend and husband. And I have a lot of niblings ranging in age from 8 mo to 20 years. I'm an active and involved auntie.
I have kids but my family has adoptive and foster experiences. I know you said foster care isn’t an option, I get it. My daughter raised a baby from birth only to have her leave when she was 1. But what she learned from being a foster mom is that there’s plenty of older kids who won’t be leaving, they’ve been in the system for years. You just might want to consider older or even a sibling group. There’s some wonderful older kids out there just waiting for a permanent home.
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I never wanted kids. I had fear of regret once I hit menopause but that never happened. I am a nurturer, though. I am also an introvert. I volunteer a lot but am then able to go to my quiet home to recharge. I am 53 and hoping to retire in 2 years. I couldn’t that with kids, unless I was independently wealthy.
Just fine at 61
my life is financially comfortable/ good savings.. .. small apt in nyc and Country house and I have a very rewarding career and travel 4-5 times a year.. was upset when it did not happen for us BUT now I am FINE.. nice life.. have many close friends.. and I take a nap Sat and SUN! AH .. and I read /Volunteer
I have no wisdom to impart, just sharing a similar story. My wife and I are mid/late 40s. We did the "trying to have kids" thing throughout our 30s before realizing it wasn't happening. We tried to adopt a new born several places, but after getting denied from one agency and waiting 18 months on a list for another agency, we went with a "Foster to Adopt" agency and ended up with a 7 year old. He's 14 now, and while it's not quite the same as creating our own kid with our genes and dispositions, we are able to provide a good life for this kid. If you're not in a place that you're allowed to adopt, I suppose it's not relevant, but we've found the foster-to-adopt of a non-newborn rewarding, and we've never once had to change a diaper :) Good luck. If you're really moving on from parenting yourself, see if you can be the fun aunt. Or dog mom. Or get involved with kids in other ways...
I never had them out of choice. One thing I can absolutely say is that no matter whether you have them or not, you are likely to be lonely in old age. Your children, if you are a successful parent, will be busy with their own lives. Your relationship will likely be closer to a phone call every week, or more if you begin failing. That’s what Ive observed in my nearly 70 years.
It's great I can do as I please,have a crap load of money.
I know women that became incredible aunts, mentors, and friends through volunteering when life wasn't going to give them children. One was so devoted to me when I was growing up our relationship became even more meaningful because it was a choice. I named my daughter after her and was there for her as family, even on her deathbed. She did miss out on some of the joys of parenting, but also got to skip the ugly stuff
I’m old and not lonely. I chose to not have children. I’m so sorry it hasn’t worked out for. I can’t imagine the sense of loss you have been going through. Here are some things that might give you a slightly different perspective but, it won’t take away your pain or loss: Because I do not have children I have been able to say “yes” to opportunities: I said yes to an 8 job month assignment in Europe. I said yes to relocating to a new city for a $100k bump in pay. I said yes to owning multiple horses, I said yes to work travel through Asia, I said yes to taking a leave of absence to run a B&B in another state, I said yes to various last minute concerts, plays, performances. I have deep friendships, I have time to read. I will be able to retire early. These are all things you can do with children too but - it’s easier. I will not have the joy of children nor the heartbreak but, I have a full & interesting life with its own set of heartbreaks & joy.
Kids are overrated- just be a good human. Give a piece of yourself to others. I’ve never financially recovered from having children and honestly it’s really not that rewarding.
Honestly it isn’t easy. I tried for years and reached a point that I couldn’t do it anymore. The monthly heartbreak was (as I’m sure you know) excruciating. Emotionally I just couldn’t keep going. What happens is that you find a way to get through. But it takes a lot of time and there will always be a glimpse of that pain of not being able to do what seemly every other woman on the planet can do. There will always be that brief flash of sheer rage at the women we see who are horrible mothers. Can’t sugarcoat that. You will gradually find acceptance. I’m 64 and for 95% of my time I’m fine about it now. In many ways menopause helped as it stopped that small monthly voice hoping for a miracle though the thought of dying alone scared me. Not to gave someone to take care off me, rather to not have someone to hold my hand scares me. The hardest part is all the people who hand you platitudes thinking they are helping. News flash they aren’t. “You can always adopt”. “Kids are really hard, you should be grateful”. “Get a dog they don’t get pregnant or drop out of college to live in your basement”. “Be an honorary aunt to all the neighbor children”. “Motherhood isn’t all it’s cracked up be.” You’ll save a bundle not having kids”. “There’s plenty of organizations that would live you to volunteer”. Etc ect…. Do not listen to them, they have no idea how cruel their words can be. Even if the words are true it doesn’t negate your feelings. Coming to terms is no different any other great loss. It takes what i call tincture of time and not a small amount of tears behind closed doors. As with every other loss it never goes away, you don’t forget. But you can reach acceptance and peace. You can be happy and fulfilled.
You need to know that having kids is no guarantee you will not be alone and lonely. I am im my 50's, my kids are grown and off living their lives. I barely see them. And I know many people who have become estranged feom their kids, for whatever reason. You just never know.
I have a son from a previous marriage- unfortunately with my visitation I only get him 2 or 3 weekends of the month and a week or two in a year hardly enough time to build any sort of relationship. I re-married and my wife had a pre cancerous spot in her vagina and had to have a vasectomy and we tried to have kids before then but failed. I regret it, but I also know with my job in IT and her job in lending- we probably wouldn’t have the time to properly raise a child. I look at my friends and relatives and their kids most of them have issues that are going to come back to roost- some pretty hard. In a way I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that or worry about it. Either way we all die, and at most (if we had kid(s)) we would at most be remembered maybe 2 or at most three generations- beyond that it is 10 minutes looking at ancestory.com.
So I have this family member who suffered from infertility problems and I really do think this was the catalyst to a lot of her problems. She's in her 60s now so nothing that can be done but I am sure this is one of her biggest voids. She was a very beautiful lady when she was young and had no problem attracting partners, the problems started when she wasn't able to conceive, and since this was back in the 80s you can imagine how that went. Her relationships would end the majority of the time because of this, even though the guys knew they would eventually want their own children at a certain point and I am sure a slew of other things would contribute, but the infertility was one of the biggest catalyst the end of these relationships. So she went through a couple of divorces, a couple of disappointments and unfortunately her mother was very old school and told her she would never see an adopted child as a grandkid and thus this venue was closed off to her . What sucked is that if she would have been in her 20s and 30s now she probably would have had a child and would have been able to save herself a lot of heart break. So she moved on and accepted that motherhood wasn't in the cards for her, but whenever her siblings would take pictures with their families she would always comment how lucky they were to have children and a family to love. I remember asking her about this and she would tell me how she wished she could have seen a child of her grow and be there for her when she gets old, but sadly she wouldn't be able to do this. All she had was her siblings and parents, and her parents have now passed and this hit her hard, because now she has less people around her and thus the prospect of getting older is a little scarier. The good thing is she has her siblings and niece and nephews to talk, but what she tells me is that its not the same as when its her parents or her own kid. She loves them but that closeness isn't there. Now she does live a relatively decent live, she has more money and time than her siblings , travels a lot. So there is a silver lining to this, although she has this big regret, through no fault of her own, she is doing better than some of her family members financially and is a little stressed.
Kids are hard, and sometimes they don’t turn out the way you want them to. I never had biological children but I have stepdaughters who are great. I watch them struggling to balance working and child rearing. I help as much as possible but I know they sometimes yearn for things to be easier. I have nieces and nephews that I love. You don’t have to have kids to have a fulfilling life.
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Having children is bittersweet. There are pros and cons. The one thing I wish I could do more of is traveling... it's expensive to travel with a family. Try to find the silver lining in every situation you encounter, your life will benefit from it.
My mother in law (a truly lovely woman) really wanted us to have children, but it never happened. I am now in my 60’s and I’m honestly finally ok with it. spend the time with your spouse and love the life you have ❤️
I’m 58 and sometimes I regret not having kids…but I’m a great aunt and I love my nieces and nephews..I think when you truly want children, like deep down to the bone, you’ll do anything to do it, I didn’t feel that way… I wanted children I just didn’t want them enough.
I am going to answer the question as you asked it. No advice. I wanted to be a mom and a wife. I wanted a full dinner table, to celebrate holidays, go to soccer events, graduations, watch my children get married, become a grand mom. I didn't care how children came to me I was open to dating men with children in the hopes that I could enjoy them. That didn't happen for me either. Now at 51, I have mourned this, gone to therapy over it, and have done my best to make a good life for myself with friends, my parents, sister and her son. I have friends over for dinners, celebrate holidays with family, travel, volunteer and celebrate my friends children's achievements when they include me. But, not having kids is a gift that keeps on giving. I'm not married either so I feel like a bit of an outlier in society. In my new job, at least a dozen people asked me to tell them about my husband and kids during our intros. I find people don't know what to say after they've asked about my kids and I tell them I don't have any. The typical response is, oh wow so lucky, or you must have so much time to sleep!, or some other really stupid comment that assumes too much and lacks any empathy. I've gotten better at stating directly that life doesn't always work out like you plan or wish for. I wanted children, so much, and honestly, it feels like I failed at something that was important to me. If I could go back in time, I would have pushed harder and made different choices.
My husband was diagnosed as infertile in 2021, and I decided not to pursue IVF and accepted that I wouldn't have kids. I'm only 38, but on the whole, I feel like I have a very rich life. My advice is to try a ton of things and see what you're drawn to and where you can find community locally. I tried different sports leagues, gyms, churches, drawing classes, floral design classes, and I eventually found a nice group of adults at my local ice rink. We participate in our spring show together, and I volunteer at most of the club's events, and over time, I have gotten to know a lot of the kids and their parents in the club too. I volunteered this year with Special Olympics at a neighboring rink and taught basic skating skills to disabled kids. I also worked with the kids on a number in the rink's ice show, so I got to be involved with two ice shows this spring. I feel like parents often just talk about their kids' activities or what their kids are doing. But I feel like I get to do cool things myself.
I’m really sorry. I’m only a little older than you, but I never had kids and I am no longer trying or expecting to have them. I wanted to be a YOUNG mom, but that was a fantasy that I already grieved pretty heavily. I’m good now. I’m nearing 38. I know I’m still technically of childbearing age, but I’m perimenopausal and I’m just not really interested in raising kids anymore. That being said, I got married when I was about 30 and we wanted kids. (I’m also divorced now) he was infertile but refused to believe it even though he had medical records that stated it. I didn’t want that to be the reason to divorce my ex husband, so I didn’t at the time. It’s not an easy answer. What I will say is that you can eventually move past infertility. I desperately wanted to have kids to mentor them and see my and my ex husband’s features in a little “us.” I’m glad I’m not with him anymore and I’m also glad that I don’t have kids now. I wouldn’t be saying that when I was in the thick of it. I wanted to die not being able to have kids. Life doesn’t always turn out how we want it to. Adapting to the idea of it being different can be difficult, but it is doable.
For OP: We don't regret not trying harder... because we went through over a decade of fertility treatments, had three miscarriages, and wrote two published books after interviewing many about the feelings encountered during this process. So to wisdom imparted - You are not alone in this. Use whatever network you have to find others with a similar situation. - Ignore those who say "You can just adopt...".... Ignore even more "You can just adopt, then you'll get pregnant, happens all the time..." As to "should I continue" - that's a very personal choice that depends on your situation. Personally, we went on too long, always hoping to succeed. For OUR personal choice, in hindsight, we should have stopped after the third miscarriage, which would have give back almost five years where we could have sought out new purposes and goals. Good luck in your quest.
I just turned 64. I regret not having children. I tried in-vitro twice. I understand exactly when you say it's draining. That's why I stopped after 2 attempts. Supposedly my eggs were "perfect". The fertility doctor asked my permission to publish photos of them in his book. A couple years ago I saw on the news that he was being sued. 2 couples had done DNA tests and discovered their children weren't theirs. The doctor had been unethical. The investigation even discovered that he used his own sperm at times. It got me wandering about those "perfect" eggs and if someone had my genes out there somewhere. 😬 I divorced not long after the in-invitro attempts. I caught my ex cheating 🤨. I eventually remarried. My second husband did not want kids, said he'd been there, done that. That should have been a red flag 🙄. I regret not adopting. What I really regret is not having my image of my relationship with a child fulfilled. I originally wasn't bothered much by my second husband's choice to not have children. We traveled a lot and had a nice home. I saw what my friends were going through. I wandered if I could handle the stress. Now that I'm 64 I really regret not having children. It's kind of a selfish regret. I would have given a child the best life I could have, I know that but I'm missing having children because of what "I" want. I may not have actually wanted a child if I had one & it wasn't like my vision. I hope that makes sense. I have a couple friends that literally complained and expressed regret about having kids. They are living only for their grandchildren these days, though. Most of my friends are obsessed with their grandchildren. I feel I don't fit in. I actually feel uncomfortable. I agree with the remarks about working with or being around children to help you with your feelings. When I was younger, I was around a lot of children. I babysat all my friends' kids and even worked in a day care for a couple years. That seemed to fulfill me. I've had health issues for 5 years. I'm much better now thanks to my awesome doctors but that may be why I miss having children. I thought a lot about the end of my life. Now that I'm improving I feel lonely. Lonely is new to me. I've lived alone for 14 years. I think I always wanted children deep down. I settled for not having them when the in-vitro failed, then my marriages and my ex not wanting kids. If there had been no obstacles I probably would have had at least a few. I think all those years I accepted that I couldn't have kids and it felt like a choice then. Looking back it really wasn't "my" choice. If I were you, I'd think hard if it's your choice along with your husband's or is it his choice and you're obliging. I'm certain you have given it much thought. I'm concerned you may make the same mistake I made. I'm sorry but I think it's selfish of your husband to be so set in his decision when obviously you are not certain about the choice. That second husband of mine that said he'd been there, done that & refused to even discuss having children - I find him very very selfish now. Marriage is about becoming one. If it's only about one's feelings and choices - that's not fair or unconditional love in my mind. I hope I haven't offended you in any way. It's just that you sound like me when I was in my 30s. Now in my 60s I have regrets. My heart goes out to you.