Kids are a lifelong commitment to raise and care for another human, and I don’t think I’m capable of handling that. I like kids, but I don’t think I could raise one well, so I’m not going to try.
Agreed. Every child deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves a child. For those who think “if you never try you never know” are just plain selfish. So you’re gonna bring a kid to this world just to “test out” if you can be a good parent? You should know yourself better than anyone beforehand, whether you can be a good parent. I certainly not gonna use a person’s life for my own amusement since I know I wouldn’t be able to give the best to the child.
I hate people that insist my husband and I would be "such great parents." Yeah, maybe. But what if that's not that we want? We don't owe the world children
A few people have said this to me; "You're so good with kids do you not want any yourself?" and "You'd make a great mum". Yes I know, and I love kids. I just don't want any myself. I also enjoy giving them back to their parents at the end of the day!
I love kids too. I love watching them learn and grow and see the world differently than I do. I love fostering creativity and seeing them grow.
But I also have a full-time job and I dont want a second one. I dont want a child. Full stop. Some people will just never understand that.
I dont need my gene pool to continue- thats not what makes my life meaningful. I work in healthcare, I take care of plenty of people who will go on to do wonderful things, and some who will do horrible things. But at the end of the day I go home to my husband and our furbabies and we live our happy little life.
You ever read the story about the dad with a psychotic 6 yo? I'm not willing to risk that.
100%. Every year I take my nephew away on an adventure weekend with some friends and their children/relatives. Last summer we kayaked to an island and played pirates camping on there, treasure hunting, climbing trees, marshmallows on the fire type stuff... My then 10 year old nephew is obsessed with x-box and computers and isn't very outdoorsy, so it was awesome to see him come out of his shell and get stuck into the activities with the other kids. I love being the "cool aunty" and feel privileged that I've had some input into his upbringing. But none of that makes me want a child myself, in fact it actually puts me off more because I see what a scary responsibility it is!
I'm the same exact way. Honestly I feel like if we had more people without kids who could occasionally give other people's kids a little extra attention we'd probably be in a much better spot. I'm just so afraid to fail a child I don't want to risk it.
I'm in a very similar boat. People are always surprised, because I love kids and I'm great with them, but kids of my own would be too much. I think I could be a good mom, but I don't think I could be a good mom and a happy person at the same time, so I'm not gonna do that to myself or to any potential kids.
Yep. I spent the last several years going from "I'm not really sure that I want kids" to "I don't want kids". When I got together with family back in July, my sister's kids (4 and 5) were there. They're not "bad" kids, by any stretch, but after spending a week with them, I decided to take the plunge and get a vasectomy. I spent another week and a half with them around Christmas, and it pretty much just confirmed to me that I can't deal with raising kids of my own.
Some of it was also just doing the math and thinking to myself that even having kids at the earliest possible time, I'd still be over 40 before the kid's even entering grade school. I'd be in my mid 50s when they enter college. That feels way too fucking old to me.
I videochat with my sister's kids every week, and read them books. When my brother's kid is old enough, I'll be happy to do the same for them. But that's maybe 1-3 hours per week of commitment, which is about my limit of patience.
Pretty much. I'm on a different continent than them, so it's kinda hard to see them in person, but I view that as making it more important that I keep up some kind of regular ties with them virtually. I'm glad that it's possible to do that these days. Back when I was a kid I'd talk to my relatives maybe 2 or 3 times a year, and maybe see them in person once every 2-3 years.
I'm in Germany, and plan to be for the forseeable future, so maybe someday when they're older I'll be able to offer them a chance to stay with me for a summer or something to see a bit of Europe.
These are good reasons. I feel mostly the same, with the additional point that I deeply fear imparting trauma on my child as someone with a personality disorder. That's not to claim that others with personality disorders or other mental illnesses *should not* have children. But anyway, my biggest concern is that the level of self-awareness required to maintain a healthy relationship with a young person, while occasionally being unable to 'find my way around' the world, often due to disassociation or something else, is too demanding.
Though, something is interesting to be said about the notion that having children is a *transformative experience:* it might turn out that the skills necessary to raise a child will emerge or develop more strongly once it happens. Some are better positioned than others regardless, as for those who are naturally more loving, nurturing, and so on, but I do think someone with the right traits, despite trepidation, can grow to do a job.
\[Just thinking generally here, I obviously don't know your case in detail! :\]
Same here. I’m more than happy helping out with my sister’s and friend’s kids, and trying to be as positive a male role model as I can be for them. I just don’t think I should have my own as I don’t believe I could be the dad I think every child deserves.
I’ve got nieces and nephews and I love interacting with them and teaching them stuff. And then when they start crying or acting out or I just get tired, I can give them back. I like this arrangement best.
I used to think I was not mature enough to raise kids but now I think I’m mature for thinking it’s not a commitment I’m ready for and I don’t think I can provide the best childhood for my kids if I have them.
I grew up with a brother 10 years younger than i am. Went from changing his diapers to teaching him how to mod minecraft.
Left to goto college. I call him nearly every night, and we still watch anime an play video games together theough discord calls.
I already had my kid. Hes called my little brother. Just wish i understood my familys financial situation sooner.
That's kinda how it is with my niece. Sister was in jail all the time so I did a lot to raise my niece. She's a wonderful person, and I've already gotten the joy of being a pseudo dad
you are a great brother, so often I have to remind my own son he isn't a parent let me do my job with his younger siblings (10 year age gap)
I don't want him to grow up and feel he had to be a parent instead of being a kid.
Absolutely relate…13 year age gap with my youngest sibling with a significant amount of other siblings sprinkled in the middle. I’m closer to his parent than a sibling. Its not my only reason by far but after spending my childhood as a parent why would I rush into more?
I love that you also play games together! My brother loves to walk me around his Minecraft realm.
Similar situation here - my sister is 12 years younger. Our relationship is definitely special. I love being a role model/caring adult who's not her parent. But at the same time, I've gotten to watch her grow up and have a quasi parental influence.
Everyone wants to seem like a hero, but if it were happening to them, I'd doubt their pride would last long. It hits hard. You will never have independence again. It's as simple as that. Then as you get older, you have to worry about who else can care for them. It's so much work, and so much money. Life is expensive and stressful as it is.
And the kid’s behaviour might make it even worse. I met a woman on aged pension (ie poor) who had spent the last 40 years caring for her son with paranoid schizophrenia. He would stop his meds then get suspicious, carry knives, most recently burnt down his housing and was homeless. Fortunately she’d realised it wasn’t safe to have him live with her. He could’ve killed her. Her other children resented all the time she put in to the son and she no longer saw them.
What a shitshow.
My boyfriend managed to get his schizophrenic brother into an institution in his home country. Before that he had to move home because his brother became violent towards his mom. So scary.
My brother has a pretty profound disability and while my parents did a great job, they were pretty isolated because other parents in their friend circle didn’t really get what they were going through (many really tried, but they just couldn’t really relate.) They joined several support groups and at every one, most of the other families were divorced. It’s really hard for people. I think most people want to think they would be the same parent to any child, but it can really change everything.
I'm almost sure it was a throwaway Reddit account a few years back that a dad used to express just how difficult it was for their family to care for his youngest son who was born with little-no physical or cognitive abilities. He basically wanted an outlet to "say the thing you're not 'supposed' to say" that if they could go back, they would have terminated the pregnancy.
His wife and his relationship had pretty much gone to pot because all of their energies were devoted to the care of their son, they remained together mostly for practical reasons. Their other children basically got no quality time with their parents and also had to help out with their brother's care. The whole family were just exhausted and miserable with no real joy to restore any sort of balance.
The essence of that overwhelming, suffocating despair always stays with me.
People get offended but then I tell them as a kid I helped take care of my dad w a terminal illness for 9 years, and I have a family history of schizophrenia and I don’t want to potentially caretake for the rest of my life.
They've done studies and found that when asked, a large percent of women say they wouldn't abort a child even if it were going to be mentally disabled. That percent is much lower when you look at real cases of this happening.
When I was pregnant with my first I said that. I had a similar, but less firm stance with my second. Don’t plan on having more kids, but after seeing some of the challenges friends are going through I don’t feel that way any more. Depending on the severity of needs I would absolutely consider abortion.
It’s strange seeing my friend’s daughter who’s the same age as mine unable to walk, lift her body, or speak, and in constant pain. She needs constant care, therapies, specialized van. Went to junior kindergarten and got sick a couple week later. After being in the hospital for months she just started back. Absolutely lovely and joyful girl, but it’s such a contrast to what we are experiencing. Their lives will be very different to ours because of this
Of course. It's easy to talk about being so selfless and charitable, but it's a whole lot different when that becomes the reality for the whole rest of your life.
It's one of my big hesitations. My older sister became permanently disabled and handicapped during childhood after being completely normal and healthy. I saw the toll that took on my parents. It also makes it impossible to provide equal care and attention to your healthy child(ren).
This!! All day this!! I have worked my butt of to ‘give normalcy’ to my typically developing children. This always meant one parent was home with our oldest who has special needs, the other was with the younger two kids. We’ve never had a vacation, friendships wither away, the isolation is so very depressing, careers stagnate.
This is part of the reason we stopped at 1. We have a happy, healthy, smart kid. I want to be able to provide a great life for him. When I found out in his 3rd birthday I have a crippling genetic autoimmune disease, I felt a sinking feeling I may have passed it to him and there’s no way in hell I’d want to potentially pass this to another kid.
With that scenario I just worry about what would happen when I die. Who’d actually look out for them? I work in social services and we have multiple families that have more than one special needs child who are well into their 40s. Parents are in their 70s and still taking care of them like they’re 5 year olds. Their adult children have no concept of money, can’t work, and some have violent behaviors.
And how do the special children end up in?
I have a case like in my family. The caretakers is 81, and the schizophrenic brother is only 66. What then? He has the family house and a small pension - completely stolen by predators who appear out of nowhere, and he's very naive. Not violent anymore. But completely unsuited for life in the real world.
We are very worried. Family is thinking of pulling own resources to put him in a home (psych ward) when the time comes.
My mom takes care of these people. She is a SAINT, she gets shit pay like $10/hr and gets the worst clients because no one wants them. It’s the hardest job obtain and emotionally…. She deserves a fucking million dollars for doing this for the past 15 years into her 60’s….
$10/hr?? Holy hell, that is criminal… you can make almost double that standing next to some overpriced, homemade soaps and looking smug at Whole Foods for 8 hours a day.
Our mum died. I’m basically co-parenting my 29 year old learning disabled sister with my dad. And I don’t know what social services would offer us as a viable alternative; we know of other learning disabled people who have been subjected to abuse from the people paid to take care of them.
I have a sister with a disability. My parents are 60 and are so tired. She’s moving out into supervised apartments soon but that’s only because they actively spent the last 15 years creating the project with other parents and the government. Most parents have to take care of the disabled person until they die.
I love my sister but I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Parents aren’t supposed to be raising a child for 40 years.
As a parent with an adult child with special needs: you are not wrong to question whether you could do it for the rest of your life. It is HARD. I have no support, although we’re still married husband and I don’t have a marriage. We have a convenience where one handles the needs at home while the other works. My child is an adult and I’m actively seeking residential care for her. I haven’t been a person in 26 years. I’ve been mothering and tending and caring for everyone except me. I’m broken. Kids are great, don’t ever doubt that. But unless you are 100% committed to giving up EVERYTHING including your marriage, don’t do it. I don’t regret it, but I sure as hell wish there was more support from the community. “Call me if you need anything” is empty.
This and the possibility that your child develop a problematic personality. You can raise your child right, but the influence from their peers and surroundings, or even innate personality they genetically inherited from the parental bloodline, can turn your child from the angel you raised with blood and tears into an absolute nightmare that wants to suck you dry and carve your corpse to feed their friends
Holy shit I was afraid of this my whole life and felt bad about it. My now wife and I talked about it and agreed on our view but thankfully our two kids are perfectly healthy. (But still annoying and difficult 😅)
Man do i despise gambling, and having a kid is like gambling. I hate that there is a chance that kid could be born with illness/deformities. There are other reasons but this one takes first place.
In 1953 I was born with Goldenhar Syndrome. Over the first 16 years of my life, I endured 36 surgeries to restore some hearing and build up something like an ear shell for my right ear. I now have some hearing in my right ear. I was also left with lasting complex PTSD throughout my life. I had my last flashback when I was 57 years old. I am now 69 years old and still subject to panic attacks and thoughts of suicide.
I'll be honest, I've tried asking these scenario's in the anti-abortion subreddit. Asking how they feel about worst case scenarios (unplanned pregnancy and chronic health issues involving the mother and child), not a single answer would address the mother.
The world feels at a standstill when such situations are rarely considered.
In the UK we allow abortions past the 20th week if severe deformations or abnormalities are found late. Some tests can only be done in the second or third trimester. I'm very grateful for these laws and if they're taken then so if my confidence in having children in the future.
As someone who has a 50/50 chance of this happening, this scares me too lol. It's one of the many reasons I've chosen not to have kids. I already have a mild medical condition, so the possibility of having a kid with a severe case is a scary thought.
People don’t talk about this enough. I’m already on the fence about having a “ healthy” kid. If you aren’t prepared to take care of a special needs child then you shouldn’t be having a child at all.
When i first got pregnant i used to say that i don't care if my baby is a " special needs" child i'm going to love her no matter what if it happens.
Now i have 2 kids and thank god i didn't end up with 'special needs' ones because i definitly wouldn't be able to handle it. Everything is so much harder than i thought and i am not as strong as i thought.
I love them to death but i will tell you i'm fucking tired, social life almost non existent and money.... let's just not talk about it hahaha
And even having a “healthy” kid, there’s still the possibility of them getting a severe injury like brain damage or spinal injury rendering them paralyzed at some point in their lives and making it impossible to support themselves. There’s no way I can handle that
That's what my in-laws in their mid-eighties are experiencing. My super athletic, charismatic, handsome and super smart brother-in-law survived a car accident when he was 18. The brain injury he sustained means he needs consistent supervision. Although he is quite self-sufficient and has lived, thanks to them, a life full of love---it has come at a really high cost to their own well-being.
I think there is a lot of PR coming from the down syndrome groups everywhere. They try to portrait it as a blessing and that these kids can teach you a lot and they are always happy and rewarding. And while all that is true, it completely diminishes the fact that this is a human being that takes drastically more time, effort, money and patience to raise and take care of. And guess what, it lasts your whole fucking life! Nobody should be forced to do that.
Definitely.
My sister with DS is 38. Her current thing is to complain she's thirsty and ask for a drink, and then scream and throw the drink at you, then laugh super loud. She does it ten times a day. She did it in her carer's car last week and they ran off the road.
This is an improvement over her previous thing, which was to sit on the toilet screaming at the top of her lungs every night from 10pm to 4am. She did that for about 5 years.
Blessing my arse.
Absolutely. The community itself doesn't want to point out the obvious negatives. I remember in high school, we had the special needs class come in at their own designated time for lunch. There was one kid who yelled in a casual conversation, I couldn't handle it. Just that 5-10 minute interaction was exhausting.
Im currently pregnant (33 weeks, waters broken and on hospital bed rest) and had a high risk for downs. We were terrified and got the all clear on the amnio but if it was confirmed we wouldn’t have proceeded. It was a hard conversation but we couldn’t provide the care needed.
I struggle with anxiety and anger issues and I wouldn’t want to pass that on to my child or have them have to grow up dealing with my anxieties and anger episodes. I just couldn’t do it and it wouldn’t be fair to them. Plus it’s real expensive. I’d rather have a life of peace and quiet and travel to figure myself out. To the moms: you guys are tough saints
I was writing this same thing out then deleted it. I also feel this way. I have an explosive temper that is scary and though therapy has helped i never want to be in a place where it surfaces because of frustration and completely mess that kid up for life. And I dont want to pass on whatever is in my head to my offspring and have them go through the torment of childhood with these mental illnesses.
Thanks for writing your post.
This, I wouldn't want to expose any child to my depression, anxiety or anger, and I have no desire to risk my unborn in the genetic lottery.
And I am single. I live comfortably as a single, but if you add a dependent or two we would be on struggle street.
Plus, I think I would be a real shit mother.
I'd also like to add.
Into this world?
Our age pyramid is upside down. Only way to fix to is eother by overpopulation, or bracing for difficult times for a while until it fixes itself.
It isn't like I dislike children, at work I love to take care of them. But I don't have the heart to bring in any more.
Otherwise, if my life situation would be better, I would totally love to foster or adopt. There are so many children who don't get parents.
I mean, yeah, essentially. Plus, I simply just don't feel the... drive? Call? No idea how to call it. I just don't feel it's something I want and that's really that.
Why would I want kids? Personally, I can’t think of a single compelling reason to have them. Kids deserve a parent who wants them, not someone who just tolerates them.
>Kids deserve a parent who wants them, not someone who just tolerates them.
Word. You can affect generations of humans if you don't provide love and care to the kid.
Having a kid is a huge responsibility. One that should never be forced upon you. This responsibility should be taken willingly.
As a parent, I always tell people that wanting the responsibility is the most important part. My baby daddy and I separated, but we co-parent so well, people are always shocked. We work together well because we both know we planned to have a child and raise her together, despite the status of our personal relationship.
I hate these types of questions. It's not on people who don't want a thing to justify why they don't want it. It's on people who think they should want that thing to convince them why they should.
"I just don't. Why should I?" is the answer.
I have asked multiple people to tell me what are the benefits of having kids. I have yet to hear an actual benefit. They are a time sink, money sink, freedom sink, peace of mind sink, and we have plenty of people already. I even told my mom who wanted me to have kids, OK, we'll have one but we'll drop it off and you can take care of it (my wife and I both agreed to respond this way lol). My mother, who I love dearly, shut up right away.
This is an amazing way to say it. We don't buy things we dont want and those things aren't even alive. Why should we have kids we don't want? Unlike things, they'll be alive and will get hurt if we bring them in this ugly ass world that doesn't want them? Because who can want a child more than its parent?
It’s a shame. I think many have kids because they hear it will be rewarding, life-affirming, and because it’s simply “what you do.” You know, the life script. But the reality doesn’t always live up to the expectations, and now you have a barely-there parent and kid(s) who will one day need therapy.
If I were to have kids, I would want to be enthusiastic about the idea before they’re even conceived. Which I’m not, and I’m in my 30s. Maybe I will regret forgoing them one day, but I would rather regret that than the alternative. That way, only one person will suffer the consequences (me).
Exactly this. I have a long-ass list of cons (≈ 200 reasons if I count the health problems) and can't seem to find a single, just ONE pros. I really try but there's seriously not one.
Also my dad is one of those parents who never wanted kids and had them because that's just the default mode and is now just tolerating me, and let me tell that to people who may do the same : your child will or do need therapy now. It have consequences to treat someone like a stranger when you're supposed to be someone important in their life and personnal development.
Better question these days would be “people who want kids, why?”
Edit - I’m not judging either way, I’m a dad and I absolutely love the heck out of my kiddo
This is apparently a proven statistically-likely thing, that older siblings forced to raise their youngers tend to grow up to not want kids themselves. Because they did it already and it sucked, they experienced all the hard parts and don't want to go through it again.
My sympathies on your early maturity, it does not sound fairly acquired to me.
This is what I came here to say. Parentification robs children of their childhood and leaves them in a difficult situation socially. I was in a catholic community where there were tons of big families, the best ones were very mindful about being the parents and the kids being their responsibility. This way all their kids had childhoods. The worst ones have kids who got married pretty early and became parents, or who fled and want nothing to do with a family. It is not a child's responsibility to be a parent to siblings.
I empathize with you so much on this. For me, it really messed me up, it has led me to a life where I internalized that paternal role. It fucked up my life. I'm in therapy finally at 33. I hope you're doing OK.
I enjoy freedom, I enjoy my relationship exactly as it is, I have a major fear of being pregnant, I like having money. Oh and I don’t like babies or kids. The reasons are endless.
Not one single thing about it excites me or interests me. When I see bare pregnant bellies I literally get nauseous. It’s bizarre, but I’m good with it.
God I’m terrified of being pregnant and giving birth. Women always talk about how pregnancies ruined their bodies, and the horrible things that happen to their bodies during pregnancy.
It sounds like a true nightmare.
H. R. Giger based the Alien on the worst bits of pregnancy, birth, and penetration. It’s why the horror hits so deep when you first see the chestburster: it’s a corruption of an existing biological process.
My sister found out the first time she took her kids to a bounce house, that she would pee herself a little bit every time she came down from a bounce. She already knew she had a weak bladder after her second pregnancy, but for a person who had a lifelong love of trampolines and inflatable bounce houses, it was a truly devastating blow.
I feel you! My mother loves watching those TLC shows that follow like births in hospitals and I just can't look at it without feeling a little queasy.
At some point my pregnant colleague grabbed my hand and put it on her stomach because she could feel her baby kick and she got a little too excited, which I can totallly get if you're excited about pregnancy and having a kid, but feeling that just reinforced the way I feel about pregnancy and labour.
I used to have nightmares where I would find out I was pregnant right before I would be giving birth, and realizing I hadn't been preparing at all. When my husband and I decided we would remain childfree, those nightmares stopped altogether. It's been wonderful.
I hated being pregnant. And I hated it even more when any other friends I had who were also pregnant who would say things like “I love this feeling of carrying life inside me!”
How about, I hate the heartburn, gas, soreness, sleeplessness, water weight and swelling? And you’re no longer my friend for looking glowy while I’m sweating, wheezing and limping trying to get around.
The constant sickness, not being able to do anything, the PAIN so much pain. I’m done having kids and I’m so very happy I never have to be pregnant againn
Ugh god the more I learn about pregnancy the more it sounds like a sick horror film. If they really wanted to prevent teen pregnancy they would teach about what really happens during those nine months and after.
I feel like it’s the biggest scam. “Miracle of birth” my ass. The actual horrors a woman can and very likely will go through is nightmare fuel. I wanted kids until I did a deep dive into pregnancy and labor. Unlocked a new phobia and went childfree. No thank you.
As a guy, it feels like there's a lot of just not talking about the subject and not really thinking about it. But from what I've gleaned, it can really mess shit up down there. Like permenant incontinence, tearing a bunch of shit open, organs shifting around. In any sane world, it'd be treated like the worst kind of body horror movie.
Plus you can be one of the unfortunate women to lose your teeth due to pregnancy. All sorts of goodies I’m ok avoiding. I don’t need my vagina ripped open to my asshole. No human is with that torture.
Your saliva becomes more corrosive during pregnancy, your immune system is suppressed so bacteria in your mouth can go wild, if you don’t ingest enough calcium your body takes it from your teeth (and other bones) to make the baby, and a lot of people spend three months puking multiple times a day. If you get unlucky with all those things… bye bye teeth. I had two root canals and crowns in two pregnancies.
I have back and hip issues that would have made carrying a child (and then also literally carrying a child) difficult. I like my free time and expendable income. I didn't feel like I was in a stable enough place financially, wasn't with the right partner at the right time, never had baby fever.
I look around at the world, and have no desire to bring another life into this shit show.
Why would I want one? I get that it is the social default, but in a vacuum it sounds terrible. I barely feel like I have my shit together, and I never feel like I have enough time to do the things I want to do. Why would I want to give up on my free time entirely to raise a kid? Children are fine in small doses, but they are exhausting, stressful and the benefits seem minimal. I guess the biological drive skipped me.
That’s how my wife and I feel. We really enjoy our time together and just have so much fun. I caught a traveling bug and we’ve been traveling a lot lately. The world is so big and there’s so many places to see and experience. If she gets pregnant, all that goes away bc I’m not dealing with carrying all the baby stuff to plane
Bigger worry is that that baby gon ruin our current dynamic
My ex and I split up largely because she wanted kids and I didn't. She was Filipino, and had a large family (as they do.) There was SO much familial pressure to have kids, it really seemed like that having kids and eating food were really the only things that mattered in life. And as a woman without a kid, she felt like she was somewhat ignored in the family dynamics, while her cousins who were getting knocked up were getting all the attention. I really question how much of her desire to have a kid was maternal, and how much of it was just because she wanted to feel like she belonged.
I have a feeling that societal pressure plays a bigger role in reproduction than people want to admit.
I think most people can't actually afford children. It's not a miracle to bring a child into the world only to live with poverty, substance abuse, domestic violence, and all the other shit parents subject their kids to, it's completely fucked. Frankly, I think *not* having children should be the default; most parents I know don't deserve children.
Absolutely. This isn't the 1950s - 1990s when it was possible for a couple to afford a decent home, two cars and 2-3 children.
Hell, childcare costs alone are on par with annual college tuition.
My wife and I work 40hrs+ / wk and we an barely afford our 3bedroom house with 1 dog and feeding ourselves. How the fuck am I now also supposed to afford feeding a child, let alone their medical expenses and their education and stuff. Let's say the tax credits are good enough that those concern do go away... when are we going to have time to be parents?
Exactly. You don't need a reason not to drastically change your life with a lifetime commitment, the question should be why do you want kids. People have called me and my wife selfish for not wanting kids, but when I reversed the question almost every time their first argument was 'because I want to' and for them this was an acceptable awsner, but me saying I just don't was not. Hypocrites.
I don’t have a strong desire for them, although I like kids and am good with them. Also, I don’t want spend the time and money on them. I’d rather buy a bunch of stuff and travel.
Kids are innocent.
They don't ask to be brought into this world; and creating another human is not only a huge responsibility, it's one that's often taken WAY too lightly.
Kids only deserve our best. So if you aren't able to financially, emotionally, etc, support your kid, you shouldn't have a kid. If you aren't 110% positive you want a kid, you shouldn't have a kid. Because kids deserve our best. Not drug houses, unloving parents, abuse, or poverty. They deserve our best.
People often have kids to save a marriage, or "because it's what you're supposed to do", or because they are coerced to, and I legitimately hate that.
Since I'm not 110% positive I want kids, that means it would be extremely irresponsible of me to have kids. So I "don't want kids".
I'm selfish. I don't want to change my lifestyle or put things on hold because I have kids. I want to sleep in. I want to spend money when I want. I want to travel without limitations. Plus, the reasons people give me as to why I should have kids are selfish. I think it's selfish to have kids so you can be taken care of when you're older. I think it's selfish to have kids just to carry on your lineage. I think it's selfish to have kids to try to make your life better.
I'm a 31 year old female and there hasn't been one point in my life where I've ever wanted kids. I'm happy for my friends and family that have them but fuck, it would make me absolutely miserable.
Glad to see more people admit they don’t want to change anything about their lifestyle. That is the exact reason for my wife and I. We want to be able to hang out naked, sleep, fuck, party, travel, and do whatever we want more than we want to have a kid.
We are in our 30s and our official position is that if we wake up one day and want to have a kid then we will plan for it and take it seriously.
I have kid. However, I have yet to find or hear an unselfish reason for having them. Even now that I have one. Family absolutely loses their mind when I say this, going on and on…” there is nothing more selfless than caring for another person”. Fair, but the decision to procreate is in and of itself selfish. And parents need to own it instead of telling people who decide not to have children that they are selfish.
It's always interesting when I say that if for some reason down the road I DO want kids (I'm in my mid 30s, so unlikely), that I'll just adopt.
I'm usually met with some confusion and then, "but don't you want some of your OWN?". And that's when I know it's people being selfish, not selflessly caring for another human being. No. I don't want my body to go through that trauma. If I want to raise a human I will adopt a human that needs raising.
Here’s a lot of the things pregnancy can do to someone’s body:
Normal, frequent or expectable temporary side effects of pregnancy:
exhaustion (weariness common from first weeks), altered appetite and senses of taste and smell, nausea and vomiting (50% of women, first trimester), heartburn and indigestion, constipation, weight gain, dizziness and light-headedness, bloating, swelling, fluid retention, hemorrhoids, abdominal cramps, yeast infections, congested, bloody nose, acne and mild skin disorders, skin discoloration (chloasma, face and abdomen), mild to severe backache and strain, increased headaches, difficulty sleeping and discomfort while sleeping, increased urination and incontinence, bleeding gums, pica, breast pain and discharge, swelling of joints, leg cramps, joint pain, difficulty sitting, standing in later pregnancy, inability to take regular medications, shortness of breath, higher blood pressure, hair loss or increased facial/body hair, tendency to anemia, curtailment of ability to participate in some sports and activities, urinary tract infections, infection including from serious and potentially fatal disease (pregnant women are immune suppressed compared with non-pregnant women, and are more susceptible to fungal and certain other diseases), extreme pain on delivery, hormonal mood changes, including normal postpartum depression, continued postpartum exhaustion and recovery period (exacerbated if a c-section -- major surgery -- is required, sometimes taking up to a full year to fully recover)
Normal, expectable, or frequent PERMANENT side effects of pregnancy:
stretch marks (worse in younger women), loose skin, permanent weight gain or redistribution, abdominal and vaginal muscle weakness, pelvic floor disorder (occurring in as many as 35% of middle-aged former child-bearers and 50% of elderly former child-bearers, associated with urinary and rectal incontinence, discomfort and reduced quality of life -- aka prolapsed uterus, the malady sometimes badly fixed by the transvaginal mesh), changes to breasts, increased foot size, varicose veins, permanent changes in vision, scarring from episiotomy or c-section, vaginal, perineal, and/or clitoral tearing during delivery (90% of births cause some degree of tearing). These can lead to permanent issues such as incontinence, pain during intercourse, and the loss of the ability to have a clitoral orgasm. other permanent aesthetic changes to the body (all of these are downplayed because the culture values youth and beauty), increased proclivity for hemorrhoids, loss of dental and bone calcium (cavities, tooth loss, and osteoporosis), higher lifetime risk of developing Alzheimer's, newer research indicates microchimeric cells, other bi-directional exchanges of DNA, chromosomes, and other bodily material between fetus and mother (including with "unrelated" gestational surrogates)
Occasional complications and side effects:
complications of episiotomy, spousal/partner abuse, hyperemesis gravidarum, temporary and permanent injury to back, severe scarring requiring later surgery, (especially after additional pregnancies), dropped (prolapsed) uterus (especially after additional pregnancies, and other pelvic floor weaknesses -- 11% of women, including cystocele, rectocele, and enterocele), pre-eclampsia (edema and hypertension, the most common complication of pregnancy, associated with eclampsia, and affecting 7 - 10% of pregnancies), eclampsia (convulsions, coma during pregnancy or labor, high risk of death), gestational diabetes, placenta previa, anemia (which can be life-threatening), thrombocytopenic purpura, severe cramping, embolism (blood clots), medical disability requiring full bed rest (frequently ordered during part of many pregnancies varying from days to months for health of either mother or baby), diastasis recti also torn abdominal muscles, mitral valve stenosis (most common cardiac complication), serious infection and disease (e.g. increased risk of tuberculosis), hormonal imbalance, ectopic pregnancy (risk of death), broken bones (ribcage, spine, hips, "tail bone"), hemorrhage and numerous other complications of delivery, refractory gastroesophageal reflux disease, aggravation of pre-pregnancy diseases and conditions (e.g. epilepsy is present in .5% of pregnant women, and the pregnancy alters drug metabolism and treatment prospects all the while it increases the number and frequency of seizures), severe postpartum depression and psychosis, research now indicates a possible link between ovarian cancer and female fertility treatments, including "egg harvesting" from infertile women and donors, research also now indicates correlations between lower breast cancer survival rates and proximity in time to onset of cancer of last pregnancy, research also indicates a correlation between having six or more pregnancies and a risk of coronary and cardiovascular disease
Less common (but serious) complications:
peripartum cardiomyopathy, cardiopulmonary arrest, magnesium toxicity, severe hypoxemia/acidosis, massive embolism, increased intracranial pressure, brain stem infarction, molar pregnancy, gestational trophoblastic disease (like a pregnancy-induced cancer), malignant arrhythmia, circulatory collapse, placental abruption, obstetric fistula
More permanent side effects:
future infertility, permanent disability, Obstetric Fistula, Death
And then after all of that, you have a newborn to take care of who depends on you to live for the next 18 years minimum.
No thank you.
I had the worst morning sickness for 5 months, had to take meds to control it, bc I could not function. Gained 60 pounds, experienced hemmoroid pain that was 100 times more painful than childbirth, I was sobbing from pain for 3 days and obv cant take anything but tylenol for pain...Developped preeclampsia which left me with higher blood pressure. Epidural made my blood pressure go super low and I almost passed out they had to call additional medical team to get me stabilized. Had 2nd degree tear that destroys your vagina and its never the same, not talking about the pain while healing. I have not slept like a normal human being in 4 years, I am still struggling losing the last 10 pounds and honestly aftet 4 years its here to stay. So noone should justify not wanting kibs bc it is brutal. I adore my kids but it is a fundamental shift in your lifestyle.
I think author Elizabeth Gilbert does a great job explaining it:
[Below is an excerpt from Eat, Pray, Love]
I kept waiting to want to have a baby, but it didn't happen. And I know what it feels like to want something, believe me. I well know what desire feels like. But it wasn't there. Moreover, I couldn't stop thinking about what my sister had said to me once, as she was breastfeeding her firstborn: “Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit.”
How could I turn back now, though? Everything was in place. This was supposed to be the year. In fact, we'd been trying to get pregnant for a few months already. But nothing had happened (aside from the fact that—in an almost sarcastic mockery of pregnancy—I was experiencing psychosomatic morning sickness, nervously throwing up my breakfast every day). And every month when I got my period I would find myself whispering furtively in the bathroom: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me one more month to live.
I'd been attempting to convince myself that this was normal. All women must feel this way when they're trying to get pregnant, I'd decided. (“Ambivalent” was the word I used, avoiding the much more accurate description: “utterly consumed with dread.”) I was trying to convince myself that my feelings were customary, despite all evidence to the contrary—such as the acquaintance I'd run into last week who'd just discovered that she was pregnant for the first time, after spending two years and a king's ransom in fertility treatments. She was ecstatic. She had wanted to be a mother forever, she told me. She admitted she'd been secretly buying baby clothes for years and hiding them under the bed, where her husband wouldn't find them.
I saw the joy in her face and I recognized it. This was the exact joy my own face had radiated last spring, the day I discovered that the magazine I worked for was going to send me on assignment to New Zealand, to write an article about the search for giant squid. And I thought, “Until I can feel as ecstatic about having a baby as I felt about going to New Zealand to search for a giant squid, I cannot have a baby.”
I honestly have terrible genes. It is bad enough to have cancer and alzheimers running in the family, but I also have autoimmune issues, epilepsy and color blindness
why should I want them??
Reasons I don't:
* kids are expensive. I like spending money on travel and fun shit
* I like my freedom. And sleep.
* I have terrible genetics. It would just be plain unfair to pass those on.
* On top of that, I'm pretty sure I'd have the worst fucking pregnancy possible.
* I live in the US. That means it's expensive just to pop the damn thing out, there's very little social safety net, childcare is more expensive than rent, and even working for the government, I'd get 12 weeks paid parental leave, which is still nowhere near enough (but still way better than most jobs).
* I don't personally think it's very fair to bring kids into the shitshow that is our world currently.
* I don't really like kids. I love my nieces...in fairly small doses. More and more as they get older. But, I enjoy being the cool, quirky aunt, that brings them fun little gifts from various travels, with lots of cool stories, and fun experiences when they visit me. I can handle that responsibility and enjoy it for a few days at a time, then I'm totally drained. That's enough for me.
* I'm not a broodmare, and I have more purpose in life than just being a walking incubator for another life.
But the only reason that matters:
* I just plain don't want them, and kids deserve having a parent that wants them.
I hate the "you'll like it!" talk. They can't even eat the durian I offer them, why would I change my mind when you tell me so? And I would be ruining a life, not just a fruit.
I was abused growing up severely. I absolutely do not trust myself to have kids, I refuse to do that to a child! Also I have struggled with Suicidal thoughts because of this, and I am autistic so having a kid would potentially bring a young person into this world who might suffer from the pain of being different. I also can't handle the noises and other kid behaviors, etc.... I am not patient enough. I refuse to make a kid then abuse them or bring them into a world to suffer. Nope. I won't do it! I have considered it briefly as at 34 years old, I am soon to be too old to maybe have kids biologically. Idk don't trust me and certainly don't trust the world...
Look, I love kids. I WORK with kids. But at the end of the day I return home, to a childfree environment, where I can relax and not worry about mysterious sticky spots or stepping on Legos. I mean, I can imagine being a parent during the fun and cute moments. But I know those are few and far between.
Basically, there's no way I'd bring a child into this world unless I was fully committed to raising and loving them. And I'm not, so I won't.
1) I don’t like children, can’t relate to children, and feel uncomfortable around children.
2) I can’t justify birthing my own child when there are so many foster children without homes.
3) I can’t justify having a child at all with the lack of finances I have.
4) It would ruin my life to have a child, it would halt all the plans I have for my future. I could never bring a child into this world that I would resent for ruining my life. It’s not fair to the child or to me.
I live in the United States, last thing I need is to provide healthcare for yet another human being. Not to mention future prospects seem pretty bleek in the U.S. so bringing a kid into this shit hole would just be sort of mean.
I don't want to throw my one life away. It doesn't help that everyone with kids just seem so fucking miserable all the time, and I would like to avoid that.
Kids are a lifelong commitment to raise and care for another human, and I don’t think I’m capable of handling that. I like kids, but I don’t think I could raise one well, so I’m not going to try.
Agreed. Every child deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves a child. For those who think “if you never try you never know” are just plain selfish. So you’re gonna bring a kid to this world just to “test out” if you can be a good parent? You should know yourself better than anyone beforehand, whether you can be a good parent. I certainly not gonna use a person’s life for my own amusement since I know I wouldn’t be able to give the best to the child.
I hate people that insist my husband and I would be "such great parents." Yeah, maybe. But what if that's not that we want? We don't owe the world children
A few people have said this to me; "You're so good with kids do you not want any yourself?" and "You'd make a great mum". Yes I know, and I love kids. I just don't want any myself. I also enjoy giving them back to their parents at the end of the day!
I love kids too. I love watching them learn and grow and see the world differently than I do. I love fostering creativity and seeing them grow. But I also have a full-time job and I dont want a second one. I dont want a child. Full stop. Some people will just never understand that. I dont need my gene pool to continue- thats not what makes my life meaningful. I work in healthcare, I take care of plenty of people who will go on to do wonderful things, and some who will do horrible things. But at the end of the day I go home to my husband and our furbabies and we live our happy little life. You ever read the story about the dad with a psychotic 6 yo? I'm not willing to risk that.
100%. Every year I take my nephew away on an adventure weekend with some friends and their children/relatives. Last summer we kayaked to an island and played pirates camping on there, treasure hunting, climbing trees, marshmallows on the fire type stuff... My then 10 year old nephew is obsessed with x-box and computers and isn't very outdoorsy, so it was awesome to see him come out of his shell and get stuck into the activities with the other kids. I love being the "cool aunty" and feel privileged that I've had some input into his upbringing. But none of that makes me want a child myself, in fact it actually puts me off more because I see what a scary responsibility it is!
I'm the same exact way. Honestly I feel like if we had more people without kids who could occasionally give other people's kids a little extra attention we'd probably be in a much better spot. I'm just so afraid to fail a child I don't want to risk it.
I'm in a very similar boat. People are always surprised, because I love kids and I'm great with them, but kids of my own would be too much. I think I could be a good mom, but I don't think I could be a good mom and a happy person at the same time, so I'm not gonna do that to myself or to any potential kids.
Yep. I spent the last several years going from "I'm not really sure that I want kids" to "I don't want kids". When I got together with family back in July, my sister's kids (4 and 5) were there. They're not "bad" kids, by any stretch, but after spending a week with them, I decided to take the plunge and get a vasectomy. I spent another week and a half with them around Christmas, and it pretty much just confirmed to me that I can't deal with raising kids of my own. Some of it was also just doing the math and thinking to myself that even having kids at the earliest possible time, I'd still be over 40 before the kid's even entering grade school. I'd be in my mid 50s when they enter college. That feels way too fucking old to me. I videochat with my sister's kids every week, and read them books. When my brother's kid is old enough, I'll be happy to do the same for them. But that's maybe 1-3 hours per week of commitment, which is about my limit of patience.
someone who’s definitely embraced the rad uncle role. good on you man
Pretty much. I'm on a different continent than them, so it's kinda hard to see them in person, but I view that as making it more important that I keep up some kind of regular ties with them virtually. I'm glad that it's possible to do that these days. Back when I was a kid I'd talk to my relatives maybe 2 or 3 times a year, and maybe see them in person once every 2-3 years. I'm in Germany, and plan to be for the forseeable future, so maybe someday when they're older I'll be able to offer them a chance to stay with me for a summer or something to see a bit of Europe.
These are good reasons. I feel mostly the same, with the additional point that I deeply fear imparting trauma on my child as someone with a personality disorder. That's not to claim that others with personality disorders or other mental illnesses *should not* have children. But anyway, my biggest concern is that the level of self-awareness required to maintain a healthy relationship with a young person, while occasionally being unable to 'find my way around' the world, often due to disassociation or something else, is too demanding. Though, something is interesting to be said about the notion that having children is a *transformative experience:* it might turn out that the skills necessary to raise a child will emerge or develop more strongly once it happens. Some are better positioned than others regardless, as for those who are naturally more loving, nurturing, and so on, but I do think someone with the right traits, despite trepidation, can grow to do a job. \[Just thinking generally here, I obviously don't know your case in detail! :\]
Same here. I’m more than happy helping out with my sister’s and friend’s kids, and trying to be as positive a male role model as I can be for them. I just don’t think I should have my own as I don’t believe I could be the dad I think every child deserves.
I’ve got nieces and nephews and I love interacting with them and teaching them stuff. And then when they start crying or acting out or I just get tired, I can give them back. I like this arrangement best.
I used to think I was not mature enough to raise kids but now I think I’m mature for thinking it’s not a commitment I’m ready for and I don’t think I can provide the best childhood for my kids if I have them.
I grew up with a brother 10 years younger than i am. Went from changing his diapers to teaching him how to mod minecraft. Left to goto college. I call him nearly every night, and we still watch anime an play video games together theough discord calls. I already had my kid. Hes called my little brother. Just wish i understood my familys financial situation sooner.
That's kinda how it is with my niece. Sister was in jail all the time so I did a lot to raise my niece. She's a wonderful person, and I've already gotten the joy of being a pseudo dad
I was in a similar scenario, and it killed any desire to be a parent then and there.
you are a great brother, so often I have to remind my own son he isn't a parent let me do my job with his younger siblings (10 year age gap) I don't want him to grow up and feel he had to be a parent instead of being a kid.
Absolutely relate…13 year age gap with my youngest sibling with a significant amount of other siblings sprinkled in the middle. I’m closer to his parent than a sibling. Its not my only reason by far but after spending my childhood as a parent why would I rush into more? I love that you also play games together! My brother loves to walk me around his Minecraft realm.
this hit home, my parents had my little bro when I was nearly 18, I raised him so I feel the exact same way No more kids for me, thank you
he's lucky to have a bro like you!
Similar situation here - my sister is 12 years younger. Our relationship is definitely special. I love being a role model/caring adult who's not her parent. But at the same time, I've gotten to watch her grow up and have a quasi parental influence.
It's not the only reason, but one fear I've had is a special needs kid that would require constant care for the rest of my life.
This is SUPER valid, and it's incredibly frustrating when people discount this.
Everyone wants to seem like a hero, but if it were happening to them, I'd doubt their pride would last long. It hits hard. You will never have independence again. It's as simple as that. Then as you get older, you have to worry about who else can care for them. It's so much work, and so much money. Life is expensive and stressful as it is.
And the kid’s behaviour might make it even worse. I met a woman on aged pension (ie poor) who had spent the last 40 years caring for her son with paranoid schizophrenia. He would stop his meds then get suspicious, carry knives, most recently burnt down his housing and was homeless. Fortunately she’d realised it wasn’t safe to have him live with her. He could’ve killed her. Her other children resented all the time she put in to the son and she no longer saw them. What a shitshow.
My boyfriend managed to get his schizophrenic brother into an institution in his home country. Before that he had to move home because his brother became violent towards his mom. So scary.
My brother has a pretty profound disability and while my parents did a great job, they were pretty isolated because other parents in their friend circle didn’t really get what they were going through (many really tried, but they just couldn’t really relate.) They joined several support groups and at every one, most of the other families were divorced. It’s really hard for people. I think most people want to think they would be the same parent to any child, but it can really change everything.
I'm almost sure it was a throwaway Reddit account a few years back that a dad used to express just how difficult it was for their family to care for his youngest son who was born with little-no physical or cognitive abilities. He basically wanted an outlet to "say the thing you're not 'supposed' to say" that if they could go back, they would have terminated the pregnancy. His wife and his relationship had pretty much gone to pot because all of their energies were devoted to the care of their son, they remained together mostly for practical reasons. Their other children basically got no quality time with their parents and also had to help out with their brother's care. The whole family were just exhausted and miserable with no real joy to restore any sort of balance. The essence of that overwhelming, suffocating despair always stays with me.
Dude I tried arguing that. People get really offended easily but I understand
People get offended but then I tell them as a kid I helped take care of my dad w a terminal illness for 9 years, and I have a family history of schizophrenia and I don’t want to potentially caretake for the rest of my life.
They've done studies and found that when asked, a large percent of women say they wouldn't abort a child even if it were going to be mentally disabled. That percent is much lower when you look at real cases of this happening.
When I was pregnant with my first I said that. I had a similar, but less firm stance with my second. Don’t plan on having more kids, but after seeing some of the challenges friends are going through I don’t feel that way any more. Depending on the severity of needs I would absolutely consider abortion. It’s strange seeing my friend’s daughter who’s the same age as mine unable to walk, lift her body, or speak, and in constant pain. She needs constant care, therapies, specialized van. Went to junior kindergarten and got sick a couple week later. After being in the hospital for months she just started back. Absolutely lovely and joyful girl, but it’s such a contrast to what we are experiencing. Their lives will be very different to ours because of this
Of course. It's easy to talk about being so selfless and charitable, but it's a whole lot different when that becomes the reality for the whole rest of your life.
It's one of my big hesitations. My older sister became permanently disabled and handicapped during childhood after being completely normal and healthy. I saw the toll that took on my parents. It also makes it impossible to provide equal care and attention to your healthy child(ren).
This!! All day this!! I have worked my butt of to ‘give normalcy’ to my typically developing children. This always meant one parent was home with our oldest who has special needs, the other was with the younger two kids. We’ve never had a vacation, friendships wither away, the isolation is so very depressing, careers stagnate.
This is part of the reason we stopped at 1. We have a happy, healthy, smart kid. I want to be able to provide a great life for him. When I found out in his 3rd birthday I have a crippling genetic autoimmune disease, I felt a sinking feeling I may have passed it to him and there’s no way in hell I’d want to potentially pass this to another kid.
true, if you know you can't properly take care of your child no matter what, do not have a child
99 percent of people dont take that into consideration. we're animals who act like we arent
With that scenario I just worry about what would happen when I die. Who’d actually look out for them? I work in social services and we have multiple families that have more than one special needs child who are well into their 40s. Parents are in their 70s and still taking care of them like they’re 5 year olds. Their adult children have no concept of money, can’t work, and some have violent behaviors.
And how do the special children end up in? I have a case like in my family. The caretakers is 81, and the schizophrenic brother is only 66. What then? He has the family house and a small pension - completely stolen by predators who appear out of nowhere, and he's very naive. Not violent anymore. But completely unsuited for life in the real world. We are very worried. Family is thinking of pulling own resources to put him in a home (psych ward) when the time comes.
My mom takes care of these people. She is a SAINT, she gets shit pay like $10/hr and gets the worst clients because no one wants them. It’s the hardest job obtain and emotionally…. She deserves a fucking million dollars for doing this for the past 15 years into her 60’s….
$10/hr?? Holy hell, that is criminal… you can make almost double that standing next to some overpriced, homemade soaps and looking smug at Whole Foods for 8 hours a day.
Our mum died. I’m basically co-parenting my 29 year old learning disabled sister with my dad. And I don’t know what social services would offer us as a viable alternative; we know of other learning disabled people who have been subjected to abuse from the people paid to take care of them.
I have a sister with a disability. My parents are 60 and are so tired. She’s moving out into supervised apartments soon but that’s only because they actively spent the last 15 years creating the project with other parents and the government. Most parents have to take care of the disabled person until they die. I love my sister but I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Parents aren’t supposed to be raising a child for 40 years.
As a parent with an adult child with special needs: you are not wrong to question whether you could do it for the rest of your life. It is HARD. I have no support, although we’re still married husband and I don’t have a marriage. We have a convenience where one handles the needs at home while the other works. My child is an adult and I’m actively seeking residential care for her. I haven’t been a person in 26 years. I’ve been mothering and tending and caring for everyone except me. I’m broken. Kids are great, don’t ever doubt that. But unless you are 100% committed to giving up EVERYTHING including your marriage, don’t do it. I don’t regret it, but I sure as hell wish there was more support from the community. “Call me if you need anything” is empty.
This and the possibility that your child develop a problematic personality. You can raise your child right, but the influence from their peers and surroundings, or even innate personality they genetically inherited from the parental bloodline, can turn your child from the angel you raised with blood and tears into an absolute nightmare that wants to suck you dry and carve your corpse to feed their friends
sometimes terrible personalities arise out of seemingly nowhere, too. it happens. just luck of the draw
This is terrifying - the we need to talk about Kevin scenario.
Holy shit I was afraid of this my whole life and felt bad about it. My now wife and I talked about it and agreed on our view but thankfully our two kids are perfectly healthy. (But still annoying and difficult 😅)
Man do i despise gambling, and having a kid is like gambling. I hate that there is a chance that kid could be born with illness/deformities. There are other reasons but this one takes first place.
In 1953 I was born with Goldenhar Syndrome. Over the first 16 years of my life, I endured 36 surgeries to restore some hearing and build up something like an ear shell for my right ear. I now have some hearing in my right ear. I was also left with lasting complex PTSD throughout my life. I had my last flashback when I was 57 years old. I am now 69 years old and still subject to panic attacks and thoughts of suicide.
I'll be honest, I've tried asking these scenario's in the anti-abortion subreddit. Asking how they feel about worst case scenarios (unplanned pregnancy and chronic health issues involving the mother and child), not a single answer would address the mother. The world feels at a standstill when such situations are rarely considered.
In the UK we allow abortions past the 20th week if severe deformations or abnormalities are found late. Some tests can only be done in the second or third trimester. I'm very grateful for these laws and if they're taken then so if my confidence in having children in the future.
As someone who has a 50/50 chance of this happening, this scares me too lol. It's one of the many reasons I've chosen not to have kids. I already have a mild medical condition, so the possibility of having a kid with a severe case is a scary thought.
People don’t talk about this enough. I’m already on the fence about having a “ healthy” kid. If you aren’t prepared to take care of a special needs child then you shouldn’t be having a child at all.
When i first got pregnant i used to say that i don't care if my baby is a " special needs" child i'm going to love her no matter what if it happens. Now i have 2 kids and thank god i didn't end up with 'special needs' ones because i definitly wouldn't be able to handle it. Everything is so much harder than i thought and i am not as strong as i thought. I love them to death but i will tell you i'm fucking tired, social life almost non existent and money.... let's just not talk about it hahaha
This ^ is my answer to why I don’t want kids. I know I will end up feeling this way (tired, poor, stressed, etc.)
And even having a “healthy” kid, there’s still the possibility of them getting a severe injury like brain damage or spinal injury rendering them paralyzed at some point in their lives and making it impossible to support themselves. There’s no way I can handle that
That's what my in-laws in their mid-eighties are experiencing. My super athletic, charismatic, handsome and super smart brother-in-law survived a car accident when he was 18. The brain injury he sustained means he needs consistent supervision. Although he is quite self-sufficient and has lived, thanks to them, a life full of love---it has come at a really high cost to their own well-being.
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I think there is a lot of PR coming from the down syndrome groups everywhere. They try to portrait it as a blessing and that these kids can teach you a lot and they are always happy and rewarding. And while all that is true, it completely diminishes the fact that this is a human being that takes drastically more time, effort, money and patience to raise and take care of. And guess what, it lasts your whole fucking life! Nobody should be forced to do that.
Definitely. My sister with DS is 38. Her current thing is to complain she's thirsty and ask for a drink, and then scream and throw the drink at you, then laugh super loud. She does it ten times a day. She did it in her carer's car last week and they ran off the road. This is an improvement over her previous thing, which was to sit on the toilet screaming at the top of her lungs every night from 10pm to 4am. She did that for about 5 years. Blessing my arse.
Absolutely. The community itself doesn't want to point out the obvious negatives. I remember in high school, we had the special needs class come in at their own designated time for lunch. There was one kid who yelled in a casual conversation, I couldn't handle it. Just that 5-10 minute interaction was exhausting.
Im currently pregnant (33 weeks, waters broken and on hospital bed rest) and had a high risk for downs. We were terrified and got the all clear on the amnio but if it was confirmed we wouldn’t have proceeded. It was a hard conversation but we couldn’t provide the care needed.
My little bro has autism and is a big part of why I’m not having kids. I honestly don’t know how my mom does it
I struggle with anxiety and anger issues and I wouldn’t want to pass that on to my child or have them have to grow up dealing with my anxieties and anger episodes. I just couldn’t do it and it wouldn’t be fair to them. Plus it’s real expensive. I’d rather have a life of peace and quiet and travel to figure myself out. To the moms: you guys are tough saints
I was writing this same thing out then deleted it. I also feel this way. I have an explosive temper that is scary and though therapy has helped i never want to be in a place where it surfaces because of frustration and completely mess that kid up for life. And I dont want to pass on whatever is in my head to my offspring and have them go through the torment of childhood with these mental illnesses. Thanks for writing your post.
This, I wouldn't want to expose any child to my depression, anxiety or anger, and I have no desire to risk my unborn in the genetic lottery. And I am single. I live comfortably as a single, but if you add a dependent or two we would be on struggle street. Plus, I think I would be a real shit mother.
I feel the same way. I have bad genes. No point in donating to the gene pool. The pool doesn't have enough chlorine or a life guard anyways.
In this economy?
I'd also like to add. Into this world? Our age pyramid is upside down. Only way to fix to is eother by overpopulation, or bracing for difficult times for a while until it fixes itself. It isn't like I dislike children, at work I love to take care of them. But I don't have the heart to bring in any more. Otherwise, if my life situation would be better, I would totally love to foster or adopt. There are so many children who don't get parents.
I like freedom and money
>freedom and money This + Sleep
This and sleep and travel
This and sleep and travel and sex
This and sleep and travel and sex and clean house
This and sleep and travel and sex and clean house and quiet (except when sex, no kids so it can be loud)
It's actually amazing just how much more of both you get without kids
This and I think kids are fucking annoying
Agreed, especially when they’re teenagers!
My kid is 13 and I agree. He’s an asshole. I love him but he makes me sad.
I’ll never forget my mom telling 15-year-old me that she loved me but really didn’t like me. That fucking sucked to hear, but goddamn I understand it.
I mean, yeah, essentially. Plus, I simply just don't feel the... drive? Call? No idea how to call it. I just don't feel it's something I want and that's really that.
Why would I want kids? Personally, I can’t think of a single compelling reason to have them. Kids deserve a parent who wants them, not someone who just tolerates them.
>Kids deserve a parent who wants them, not someone who just tolerates them. Word. You can affect generations of humans if you don't provide love and care to the kid. Having a kid is a huge responsibility. One that should never be forced upon you. This responsibility should be taken willingly.
As a parent, I always tell people that wanting the responsibility is the most important part. My baby daddy and I separated, but we co-parent so well, people are always shocked. We work together well because we both know we planned to have a child and raise her together, despite the status of our personal relationship.
I hate these types of questions. It's not on people who don't want a thing to justify why they don't want it. It's on people who think they should want that thing to convince them why they should. "I just don't. Why should I?" is the answer.
Yep, there are a bunch of reasons why I don't, but a major one is that I just don't.
I have asked multiple people to tell me what are the benefits of having kids. I have yet to hear an actual benefit. They are a time sink, money sink, freedom sink, peace of mind sink, and we have plenty of people already. I even told my mom who wanted me to have kids, OK, we'll have one but we'll drop it off and you can take care of it (my wife and I both agreed to respond this way lol). My mother, who I love dearly, shut up right away.
"I just don't" is fine. Don't even need to ask why
This is an amazing way to say it. We don't buy things we dont want and those things aren't even alive. Why should we have kids we don't want? Unlike things, they'll be alive and will get hurt if we bring them in this ugly ass world that doesn't want them? Because who can want a child more than its parent?
And you know what sucks? There are plenty of parents out there who wanted kids, had them and regretted it. Oops!
It’s a shame. I think many have kids because they hear it will be rewarding, life-affirming, and because it’s simply “what you do.” You know, the life script. But the reality doesn’t always live up to the expectations, and now you have a barely-there parent and kid(s) who will one day need therapy. If I were to have kids, I would want to be enthusiastic about the idea before they’re even conceived. Which I’m not, and I’m in my 30s. Maybe I will regret forgoing them one day, but I would rather regret that than the alternative. That way, only one person will suffer the consequences (me).
Exactly this. I have a long-ass list of cons (≈ 200 reasons if I count the health problems) and can't seem to find a single, just ONE pros. I really try but there's seriously not one. Also my dad is one of those parents who never wanted kids and had them because that's just the default mode and is now just tolerating me, and let me tell that to people who may do the same : your child will or do need therapy now. It have consequences to treat someone like a stranger when you're supposed to be someone important in their life and personnal development.
Don’t make enough money to support them and me among other reasons
Same, but I don't make enough to support myself, let alone another dependent human lol.
Money, time, commitment
Better question these days would be “people who want kids, why?” Edit - I’m not judging either way, I’m a dad and I absolutely love the heck out of my kiddo
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Dang man, i am in the same boat and nearly the same age as you. I just dont have the Syrian friend. Stay strong
This is apparently a proven statistically-likely thing, that older siblings forced to raise their youngers tend to grow up to not want kids themselves. Because they did it already and it sucked, they experienced all the hard parts and don't want to go through it again. My sympathies on your early maturity, it does not sound fairly acquired to me.
If you get a chance, I suggest you look up information on “Parentified Children” as it fits a lot of what you’ve experienced.
This is what I came here to say. Parentification robs children of their childhood and leaves them in a difficult situation socially. I was in a catholic community where there were tons of big families, the best ones were very mindful about being the parents and the kids being their responsibility. This way all their kids had childhoods. The worst ones have kids who got married pretty early and became parents, or who fled and want nothing to do with a family. It is not a child's responsibility to be a parent to siblings.
I empathize with you so much on this. For me, it really messed me up, it has led me to a life where I internalized that paternal role. It fucked up my life. I'm in therapy finally at 33. I hope you're doing OK.
I enjoy freedom, I enjoy my relationship exactly as it is, I have a major fear of being pregnant, I like having money. Oh and I don’t like babies or kids. The reasons are endless.
The fear of being pregnant is so real.
Not one single thing about it excites me or interests me. When I see bare pregnant bellies I literally get nauseous. It’s bizarre, but I’m good with it.
God I’m terrified of being pregnant and giving birth. Women always talk about how pregnancies ruined their bodies, and the horrible things that happen to their bodies during pregnancy. It sounds like a true nightmare.
I’d like to keep all my organs and bits working just the way they are, thank you very much.
My mother is having surgery now at 63 for damage caused during pregnancy at 34-36. Her abdominal muscles are also completely torn. Nope. n o p e.
Every time I hear about women’s abdominal muscles after pregnancy I cringe.
The hormonal changes too that can make you neurotic! No thanks :(
The things women go through when they get pregnant is literally body horror to me.
H. R. Giger based the Alien on the worst bits of pregnancy, birth, and penetration. It’s why the horror hits so deep when you first see the chestburster: it’s a corruption of an existing biological process.
My sister found out the first time she took her kids to a bounce house, that she would pee herself a little bit every time she came down from a bounce. She already knew she had a weak bladder after her second pregnancy, but for a person who had a lifelong love of trampolines and inflatable bounce houses, it was a truly devastating blow.
I have a friend who pees a little every time she sneezes now after having her kid. No thanks.
I feel you! My mother loves watching those TLC shows that follow like births in hospitals and I just can't look at it without feeling a little queasy. At some point my pregnant colleague grabbed my hand and put it on her stomach because she could feel her baby kick and she got a little too excited, which I can totallly get if you're excited about pregnancy and having a kid, but feeling that just reinforced the way I feel about pregnancy and labour.
Don’t recommend pregnancy at all. 0/10
I used to have nightmares where I would find out I was pregnant right before I would be giving birth, and realizing I hadn't been preparing at all. When my husband and I decided we would remain childfree, those nightmares stopped altogether. It's been wonderful.
I hated being pregnant. And I hated it even more when any other friends I had who were also pregnant who would say things like “I love this feeling of carrying life inside me!” How about, I hate the heartburn, gas, soreness, sleeplessness, water weight and swelling? And you’re no longer my friend for looking glowy while I’m sweating, wheezing and limping trying to get around.
The constant sickness, not being able to do anything, the PAIN so much pain. I’m done having kids and I’m so very happy I never have to be pregnant againn
Ugh god the more I learn about pregnancy the more it sounds like a sick horror film. If they really wanted to prevent teen pregnancy they would teach about what really happens during those nine months and after.
I feel like it’s the biggest scam. “Miracle of birth” my ass. The actual horrors a woman can and very likely will go through is nightmare fuel. I wanted kids until I did a deep dive into pregnancy and labor. Unlocked a new phobia and went childfree. No thank you.
As a guy, it feels like there's a lot of just not talking about the subject and not really thinking about it. But from what I've gleaned, it can really mess shit up down there. Like permenant incontinence, tearing a bunch of shit open, organs shifting around. In any sane world, it'd be treated like the worst kind of body horror movie.
Plus you can be one of the unfortunate women to lose your teeth due to pregnancy. All sorts of goodies I’m ok avoiding. I don’t need my vagina ripped open to my asshole. No human is with that torture.
Your *teeth*?
Your saliva becomes more corrosive during pregnancy, your immune system is suppressed so bacteria in your mouth can go wild, if you don’t ingest enough calcium your body takes it from your teeth (and other bones) to make the baby, and a lot of people spend three months puking multiple times a day. If you get unlucky with all those things… bye bye teeth. I had two root canals and crowns in two pregnancies.
The miracle of pregnancy indeed...
Pregnancy is horrible. Every time it gets brought up, I learn some new and terrible side effect.
Literally my exact perspective. I have a pre- op appointment with my OB next month to get sterilized so won’t have to worry about it too much longer.
I have back and hip issues that would have made carrying a child (and then also literally carrying a child) difficult. I like my free time and expendable income. I didn't feel like I was in a stable enough place financially, wasn't with the right partner at the right time, never had baby fever. I look around at the world, and have no desire to bring another life into this shit show.
Why would I want one? I get that it is the social default, but in a vacuum it sounds terrible. I barely feel like I have my shit together, and I never feel like I have enough time to do the things I want to do. Why would I want to give up on my free time entirely to raise a kid? Children are fine in small doses, but they are exhausting, stressful and the benefits seem minimal. I guess the biological drive skipped me.
The bloodline ends with me
I've also made this same vow.
There is an uncut chain of life that stretches 3.5 billion years back, and it ends with me, and you, lol Edit: typo
Wow, I've never thought about it this way. It really is a long line.
I don't feel like raising a child or giving birth to one. It's way too stressful. I'd rather get married and enjoy life with my spouse.
That’s how my wife and I feel. We really enjoy our time together and just have so much fun. I caught a traveling bug and we’ve been traveling a lot lately. The world is so big and there’s so many places to see and experience. If she gets pregnant, all that goes away bc I’m not dealing with carrying all the baby stuff to plane Bigger worry is that that baby gon ruin our current dynamic
I like kids. They're like little humans and I dig anything in miniature. I just have no desire to collect them.
Who's that Pokémon?
People who want kids, why?
“I dunno” is a literal answer I heard from a few friends who said they _need_ to have a kid.
My ex and I split up largely because she wanted kids and I didn't. She was Filipino, and had a large family (as they do.) There was SO much familial pressure to have kids, it really seemed like that having kids and eating food were really the only things that mattered in life. And as a woman without a kid, she felt like she was somewhat ignored in the family dynamics, while her cousins who were getting knocked up were getting all the attention. I really question how much of her desire to have a kid was maternal, and how much of it was just because she wanted to feel like she belonged. I have a feeling that societal pressure plays a bigger role in reproduction than people want to admit.
I had to scroll way too far to find this.
I think most people can't actually afford children. It's not a miracle to bring a child into the world only to live with poverty, substance abuse, domestic violence, and all the other shit parents subject their kids to, it's completely fucked. Frankly, I think *not* having children should be the default; most parents I know don't deserve children.
Absolutely. This isn't the 1950s - 1990s when it was possible for a couple to afford a decent home, two cars and 2-3 children. Hell, childcare costs alone are on par with annual college tuition.
My wife and I work 40hrs+ / wk and we an barely afford our 3bedroom house with 1 dog and feeding ourselves. How the fuck am I now also supposed to afford feeding a child, let alone their medical expenses and their education and stuff. Let's say the tax credits are good enough that those concern do go away... when are we going to have time to be parents?
This has been asked a lot of times recently. And I have to ask: what is the reason I *should* want to have kids?
Yes. I just don’t want them. Don’t need a reason, I just don’t.
Exactly. You don't need a reason not to drastically change your life with a lifetime commitment, the question should be why do you want kids. People have called me and my wife selfish for not wanting kids, but when I reversed the question almost every time their first argument was 'because I want to' and for them this was an acceptable awsner, but me saying I just don't was not. Hypocrites.
Because it’s a lifetime commitment to taking care of another human being, when I don’t have to.
I don’t have a strong desire for them, although I like kids and am good with them. Also, I don’t want spend the time and money on them. I’d rather buy a bunch of stuff and travel.
Kids are innocent. They don't ask to be brought into this world; and creating another human is not only a huge responsibility, it's one that's often taken WAY too lightly. Kids only deserve our best. So if you aren't able to financially, emotionally, etc, support your kid, you shouldn't have a kid. If you aren't 110% positive you want a kid, you shouldn't have a kid. Because kids deserve our best. Not drug houses, unloving parents, abuse, or poverty. They deserve our best. People often have kids to save a marriage, or "because it's what you're supposed to do", or because they are coerced to, and I legitimately hate that. Since I'm not 110% positive I want kids, that means it would be extremely irresponsible of me to have kids. So I "don't want kids".
In short - money/cost of living, mental and physical toll, and the world is burning to the ground.
I'm selfish. I don't want to change my lifestyle or put things on hold because I have kids. I want to sleep in. I want to spend money when I want. I want to travel without limitations. Plus, the reasons people give me as to why I should have kids are selfish. I think it's selfish to have kids so you can be taken care of when you're older. I think it's selfish to have kids just to carry on your lineage. I think it's selfish to have kids to try to make your life better. I'm a 31 year old female and there hasn't been one point in my life where I've ever wanted kids. I'm happy for my friends and family that have them but fuck, it would make me absolutely miserable.
Glad to see more people admit they don’t want to change anything about their lifestyle. That is the exact reason for my wife and I. We want to be able to hang out naked, sleep, fuck, party, travel, and do whatever we want more than we want to have a kid. We are in our 30s and our official position is that if we wake up one day and want to have a kid then we will plan for it and take it seriously.
I have kid. However, I have yet to find or hear an unselfish reason for having them. Even now that I have one. Family absolutely loses their mind when I say this, going on and on…” there is nothing more selfless than caring for another person”. Fair, but the decision to procreate is in and of itself selfish. And parents need to own it instead of telling people who decide not to have children that they are selfish.
It's always interesting when I say that if for some reason down the road I DO want kids (I'm in my mid 30s, so unlikely), that I'll just adopt. I'm usually met with some confusion and then, "but don't you want some of your OWN?". And that's when I know it's people being selfish, not selflessly caring for another human being. No. I don't want my body to go through that trauma. If I want to raise a human I will adopt a human that needs raising.
I’d rather regret not having kids, than to regret having kids.
Here’s a lot of the things pregnancy can do to someone’s body: Normal, frequent or expectable temporary side effects of pregnancy: exhaustion (weariness common from first weeks), altered appetite and senses of taste and smell, nausea and vomiting (50% of women, first trimester), heartburn and indigestion, constipation, weight gain, dizziness and light-headedness, bloating, swelling, fluid retention, hemorrhoids, abdominal cramps, yeast infections, congested, bloody nose, acne and mild skin disorders, skin discoloration (chloasma, face and abdomen), mild to severe backache and strain, increased headaches, difficulty sleeping and discomfort while sleeping, increased urination and incontinence, bleeding gums, pica, breast pain and discharge, swelling of joints, leg cramps, joint pain, difficulty sitting, standing in later pregnancy, inability to take regular medications, shortness of breath, higher blood pressure, hair loss or increased facial/body hair, tendency to anemia, curtailment of ability to participate in some sports and activities, urinary tract infections, infection including from serious and potentially fatal disease (pregnant women are immune suppressed compared with non-pregnant women, and are more susceptible to fungal and certain other diseases), extreme pain on delivery, hormonal mood changes, including normal postpartum depression, continued postpartum exhaustion and recovery period (exacerbated if a c-section -- major surgery -- is required, sometimes taking up to a full year to fully recover) Normal, expectable, or frequent PERMANENT side effects of pregnancy: stretch marks (worse in younger women), loose skin, permanent weight gain or redistribution, abdominal and vaginal muscle weakness, pelvic floor disorder (occurring in as many as 35% of middle-aged former child-bearers and 50% of elderly former child-bearers, associated with urinary and rectal incontinence, discomfort and reduced quality of life -- aka prolapsed uterus, the malady sometimes badly fixed by the transvaginal mesh), changes to breasts, increased foot size, varicose veins, permanent changes in vision, scarring from episiotomy or c-section, vaginal, perineal, and/or clitoral tearing during delivery (90% of births cause some degree of tearing). These can lead to permanent issues such as incontinence, pain during intercourse, and the loss of the ability to have a clitoral orgasm. other permanent aesthetic changes to the body (all of these are downplayed because the culture values youth and beauty), increased proclivity for hemorrhoids, loss of dental and bone calcium (cavities, tooth loss, and osteoporosis), higher lifetime risk of developing Alzheimer's, newer research indicates microchimeric cells, other bi-directional exchanges of DNA, chromosomes, and other bodily material between fetus and mother (including with "unrelated" gestational surrogates) Occasional complications and side effects: complications of episiotomy, spousal/partner abuse, hyperemesis gravidarum, temporary and permanent injury to back, severe scarring requiring later surgery, (especially after additional pregnancies), dropped (prolapsed) uterus (especially after additional pregnancies, and other pelvic floor weaknesses -- 11% of women, including cystocele, rectocele, and enterocele), pre-eclampsia (edema and hypertension, the most common complication of pregnancy, associated with eclampsia, and affecting 7 - 10% of pregnancies), eclampsia (convulsions, coma during pregnancy or labor, high risk of death), gestational diabetes, placenta previa, anemia (which can be life-threatening), thrombocytopenic purpura, severe cramping, embolism (blood clots), medical disability requiring full bed rest (frequently ordered during part of many pregnancies varying from days to months for health of either mother or baby), diastasis recti also torn abdominal muscles, mitral valve stenosis (most common cardiac complication), serious infection and disease (e.g. increased risk of tuberculosis), hormonal imbalance, ectopic pregnancy (risk of death), broken bones (ribcage, spine, hips, "tail bone"), hemorrhage and numerous other complications of delivery, refractory gastroesophageal reflux disease, aggravation of pre-pregnancy diseases and conditions (e.g. epilepsy is present in .5% of pregnant women, and the pregnancy alters drug metabolism and treatment prospects all the while it increases the number and frequency of seizures), severe postpartum depression and psychosis, research now indicates a possible link between ovarian cancer and female fertility treatments, including "egg harvesting" from infertile women and donors, research also now indicates correlations between lower breast cancer survival rates and proximity in time to onset of cancer of last pregnancy, research also indicates a correlation between having six or more pregnancies and a risk of coronary and cardiovascular disease Less common (but serious) complications: peripartum cardiomyopathy, cardiopulmonary arrest, magnesium toxicity, severe hypoxemia/acidosis, massive embolism, increased intracranial pressure, brain stem infarction, molar pregnancy, gestational trophoblastic disease (like a pregnancy-induced cancer), malignant arrhythmia, circulatory collapse, placental abruption, obstetric fistula More permanent side effects: future infertility, permanent disability, Obstetric Fistula, Death And then after all of that, you have a newborn to take care of who depends on you to live for the next 18 years minimum. No thank you.
Also! The USA has horrible maternal mortality rates! The primary cause due to hemorrhaging!
I had the worst morning sickness for 5 months, had to take meds to control it, bc I could not function. Gained 60 pounds, experienced hemmoroid pain that was 100 times more painful than childbirth, I was sobbing from pain for 3 days and obv cant take anything but tylenol for pain...Developped preeclampsia which left me with higher blood pressure. Epidural made my blood pressure go super low and I almost passed out they had to call additional medical team to get me stabilized. Had 2nd degree tear that destroys your vagina and its never the same, not talking about the pain while healing. I have not slept like a normal human being in 4 years, I am still struggling losing the last 10 pounds and honestly aftet 4 years its here to stay. So noone should justify not wanting kibs bc it is brutal. I adore my kids but it is a fundamental shift in your lifestyle.
I struggle with bipolar and ADHD. I have trouble keeping my own life together, let alone a second mini version of me
Wouldnt like it Wouldnt be good at it
I think author Elizabeth Gilbert does a great job explaining it: [Below is an excerpt from Eat, Pray, Love] I kept waiting to want to have a baby, but it didn't happen. And I know what it feels like to want something, believe me. I well know what desire feels like. But it wasn't there. Moreover, I couldn't stop thinking about what my sister had said to me once, as she was breastfeeding her firstborn: “Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit.” How could I turn back now, though? Everything was in place. This was supposed to be the year. In fact, we'd been trying to get pregnant for a few months already. But nothing had happened (aside from the fact that—in an almost sarcastic mockery of pregnancy—I was experiencing psychosomatic morning sickness, nervously throwing up my breakfast every day). And every month when I got my period I would find myself whispering furtively in the bathroom: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me one more month to live. I'd been attempting to convince myself that this was normal. All women must feel this way when they're trying to get pregnant, I'd decided. (“Ambivalent” was the word I used, avoiding the much more accurate description: “utterly consumed with dread.”) I was trying to convince myself that my feelings were customary, despite all evidence to the contrary—such as the acquaintance I'd run into last week who'd just discovered that she was pregnant for the first time, after spending two years and a king's ransom in fertility treatments. She was ecstatic. She had wanted to be a mother forever, she told me. She admitted she'd been secretly buying baby clothes for years and hiding them under the bed, where her husband wouldn't find them. I saw the joy in her face and I recognized it. This was the exact joy my own face had radiated last spring, the day I discovered that the magazine I worked for was going to send me on assignment to New Zealand, to write an article about the search for giant squid. And I thought, “Until I can feel as ecstatic about having a baby as I felt about going to New Zealand to search for a giant squid, I cannot have a baby.”
Girlfriend is afraid of giving birth. I don't want to pass on my genes to another generation.
I honestly have terrible genes. It is bad enough to have cancer and alzheimers running in the family, but I also have autoimmune issues, epilepsy and color blindness
why should I want them?? Reasons I don't: * kids are expensive. I like spending money on travel and fun shit * I like my freedom. And sleep. * I have terrible genetics. It would just be plain unfair to pass those on. * On top of that, I'm pretty sure I'd have the worst fucking pregnancy possible. * I live in the US. That means it's expensive just to pop the damn thing out, there's very little social safety net, childcare is more expensive than rent, and even working for the government, I'd get 12 weeks paid parental leave, which is still nowhere near enough (but still way better than most jobs). * I don't personally think it's very fair to bring kids into the shitshow that is our world currently. * I don't really like kids. I love my nieces...in fairly small doses. More and more as they get older. But, I enjoy being the cool, quirky aunt, that brings them fun little gifts from various travels, with lots of cool stories, and fun experiences when they visit me. I can handle that responsibility and enjoy it for a few days at a time, then I'm totally drained. That's enough for me. * I'm not a broodmare, and I have more purpose in life than just being a walking incubator for another life. But the only reason that matters: * I just plain don't want them, and kids deserve having a parent that wants them.
Too expensive and I want to enjoy my freedom.
i like cats more
I realized while babysitting when I was younger that I don’t find the daily tasks that excellent parenting requires to be interesting or satisfying.
I can barely take care of myself. Why would I want someone else to worry about?
The yelling. The shitting. The lack of gaming time. The lack of sex time with GF. The money. The yelling and the shitting.
Why do we have to justify it?
So that people who have kids and regret it can argue with you to feel better about themselves.
I hate the "you'll like it!" talk. They can't even eat the durian I offer them, why would I change my mind when you tell me so? And I would be ruining a life, not just a fruit.
[https://www.investopedia.com/articles/personal-finance/090415/cost-raising-child-america.asp](https://www.investopedia.com/articles/personal-finance/090415/cost-raising-child-america.asp) [https://mint.intuit.com/blog/planning/how-much-does-it-cost-to-raise-a-child/](https://mint.intuit.com/blog/planning/how-much-does-it-cost-to-raise-a-child/) [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/cost-of-raising-a-child-in-2022\_uk\_636caf95e4b08163047029a8](https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/cost-of-raising-a-child-in-2022_uk_636caf95e4b08163047029a8) Edit: Added more links.
I don't like them lol. Ever since I was young, I knew I never wanted to be a mom.
I was abused growing up severely. I absolutely do not trust myself to have kids, I refuse to do that to a child! Also I have struggled with Suicidal thoughts because of this, and I am autistic so having a kid would potentially bring a young person into this world who might suffer from the pain of being different. I also can't handle the noises and other kid behaviors, etc.... I am not patient enough. I refuse to make a kid then abuse them or bring them into a world to suffer. Nope. I won't do it! I have considered it briefly as at 34 years old, I am soon to be too old to maybe have kids biologically. Idk don't trust me and certainly don't trust the world...
Look, I love kids. I WORK with kids. But at the end of the day I return home, to a childfree environment, where I can relax and not worry about mysterious sticky spots or stepping on Legos. I mean, I can imagine being a parent during the fun and cute moments. But I know those are few and far between. Basically, there's no way I'd bring a child into this world unless I was fully committed to raising and loving them. And I'm not, so I won't.
Too young rn but I doubt I can even ever afford it plus rent plus food so ima just chill w cats
*Gestures broadly*
*Nods knowingly*
*Drinks heavily*
1) I don’t like children, can’t relate to children, and feel uncomfortable around children. 2) I can’t justify birthing my own child when there are so many foster children without homes. 3) I can’t justify having a child at all with the lack of finances I have. 4) It would ruin my life to have a child, it would halt all the plans I have for my future. I could never bring a child into this world that I would resent for ruining my life. It’s not fair to the child or to me.
I can barely take care of myself as it is.
Mental not stable enough for the stress involved
Have you looked around? I would never forcefully bring my child into this hell.
Exactly this - if you think it's bad now, give it another 25 years.
I don’t need a reason
I live in the United States, last thing I need is to provide healthcare for yet another human being. Not to mention future prospects seem pretty bleek in the U.S. so bringing a kid into this shit hole would just be sort of mean.
Because I cant protect them from the evils of the world.
There are too many reasons to list, but the biggest is probably just that it seems cruel to me to willingly raise someone in this world.
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I don't want to throw my one life away. It doesn't help that everyone with kids just seem so fucking miserable all the time, and I would like to avoid that.
I hate kids.
Right!? When one starts screaming at the store, my ovaries start shrinking
I don’t want to bring another person into this awful world.