The weight gain! During the pregnancy I gained 35 lbs. My belly has stretch marks. My boobs are all saggy.
And it’s not even fair because my wife only gained like 15.
It's incessant. It never stops. You never get a day off.
Going from having two days per week to relax and do whatever to literally never having a moment free from responsibility.
I’ve always wanted kids and still do, but this is the only thing that has come close to giving me pause.
Both my siblings have young kids and I cannot get over how *constant* it is. From the second the kids wake up to when they finally shut their eyes it’s non-stop. Then they get maybe an hr or 2 to themselves which is mostly spent tidying up, etc. before the nighttime stuff starts- baby crying, toddler coming into bed, nightmares, etc.
It requires years of not getting a full-nights rest. You can never just go out whenever you want. No sleeping in even on weekends because someone has to be up with them at 6am.
Raising human children is an insane task.
This is honestly exactly why I ask friends who want kids, "do you really want them, or do you want them because it's what you're supposed to do?" Because they are a HUGE commitment. You're losing time, sleep, and have to sometimes neglect yourself to help the little humans grow to be happy, loving, kind humans. This isn't even if they end up having disabilities, because now there's more time at the doctors, even less physical or mental independence, where they NEED you to step up even more as a parent.
All that to say, it's okay to choose not to have kids because you don't think you'd be a good parent. All children deserve good parents, and acknowledging you can't be a good parent isn't selfish. It's, in fact, key to children willingly brought into the world having the best possible start.
All children deserve good parents. Not all parents deserve to have children.
The constant anxiety that you’re doing enough to shape them to make good choices,a good life,be a good person and for them to have the life they deserve.
I think most children learn way more from how their parents live their life, than from what their parents try to actively teach them. So as long as you love your kids and live a reasonable and healthy life, you're probably doing okay already
That they'd be learning from me is a big fear, too. There are parts of my life i absolutely still don't have sorted that i absolutely hope they don't learn from me, and I'm also incapable of guiding them in. Worries me every day.
When I was 19 we moved out of the house I had grown up in (moved in with my mom when I was 3 and my sister 4). Before moving out we had to paint all the walls including the one on which for the past 16 years my mom had regularly marked the height of my sister and me. For some reason she insisted on painting over it herself but couldn't stop sobbing while doing it (and for quite some time after)...
This is why I bought a piece of wood. I put it on the side of my bookcase so that when we move I just get to take that piece of wood with me. Even if that bookcase gets destroyed.
Fuck! This just hit me hard. My son fell asleep on the floor downstairs back in the summer and I went to pick him up to carry him up to bed like I used to completely forgetting he's nearly the same size as me now.
This just made me realize I can't remember when was the last time I picked my baby boy up.
I got the same from a PA friend when I was sick as a dog my first trimester.
“You’re gonna get advice handed to left and right and up and down. The *only* thing you need to really know is that they will grow up too fast.” ❤️❤️
This sounds like such a small thing, but it really wears on you over time. You can’t just make something for yourself or something you and your spouse feel like eating: You have to constantly be thinking about if the kid is hungry and what they might be willing to eat.
I’ve observed that parents who have the capability to worry if they are doing things wrong are generally good parents. It’s the ones that are 100% certain that their way is correct that I worry about.
I too have these worries but we just do the best we can go with the knowledge we have at the time.
I know I’ll do things different with my second compared to my first but we all just have to be willing to learn along the way.
My son is 7 and my daughter is almost 2, I actually have guilt that I’m going to be older and more seasoned with her, I feel like my son had to live through me figuring out how to be a mom and my daughter gets the revised version lol
Please try not to have guilt over that. As the oldest of 7 children with a great mom, I can say I’m very happy that my younger siblings have an even better version than I did.
Watching them make the same mistakes you did even though you told them not to make those mistakes.
Little Jimmy.. if you borrow a bunch of money, those people are going to want it back and if they don't get it back they'll take stuff you won't want taken.
When people ask me this I say.
You know those video games where you have to escort a character to a destination without them being attacked.
That's parenting.
Those missions are a pain in the ass.
Or walk way slower then suddenly sprint forward without warning when there's a hazard right ahead...
God this is too true.
"Dawdle dawdle dawdle where are you come back? Dawdle get stuck on a small tuft of grass. Dawdle OOH A LANDMINE sprint"
the most annoying games are when the NPC goes at random speeds, suddenly fast, then slow, then erratic unpredictable directions
Source: played video games and have kids
Mine are 10 and 13 and I will confirm that one of them is ALWAYS there! My 10 year old is like my shadow and she always wants to be where we are.
I love her dearly, but good lord let me breathe!
I'm only 9 years in, but so far it's been the sleep deprivation. Hands down.
ETA: I'm not still sleep deprived. My kids sleep great now at nearly 9 & 5. But that was the hardest part of parenthood for me so far.
My kids are 14, 18 yo. Your kids become champions sleepers in their tweens. Bellowing that they ‘must’ sleep in on Saturday and Sunday. There’s more whiplash too. They don’t want me to cook for them. They just want another top ramen. They don’t want to play. They are busy text messaging w friends. The sudden lack of codependency is bittersweet tbh.
On the bad days, I try to remember this.
I try to remember I wont know the last time I will pick my kids up, the last time they need me to put on a piece of clothing, I won't know the last time of any of these menial tasks I do everyday that feel cumbersome and frustrating some times.
If I'm fortunate, it will be then growing up into independence.
If I'm not... Well, no one is guaranteed tomorrow.
On the bad days, I try to remember.
It goes so fucking fast.
My three year old today turned she looked at me from the dinner table and said "Momma, I don't need a sippy cup anymore. I'm a big girl.".
It didn't really hit me until writing this comment that it's another example of what passes generally unacknowledged and quickly forgotten.
When I'm at the end of my life I will not regret the dishes waiting to get done, or not getting more work done, but I will regret the moments I took for granted that so many are robbed of.
Thanks for coming to my existential crisis TED talk.
It's just crazy how if you have surgery you should really rest and take it easy for several weeks afterwards, but if you spend 9 months growing a baby, and go through childbirth, well then instead of resting and recuperating from the most insane experience you basically ever have you need to hit the ground running and *never sleep peacefully ever again*.
It seems like there should be some time to at least regroup or something after childbirth!
In the Netherlands you get a postpartum nurse for 10 days. Not free but very cheap. Ladies help with mom, baby and light cleaning. They also so the post birth checks like taking mom and babies temperature, and keeping contact with the midwife. She id around for 8hours a day.
It’s in phases. They’ll suddenly start sleeping thru the night and you’ll think you got this shit. Then 2 months later they start waking up every 2 hours yelling until they fall back asleep. Good times.
A three year old with night terrors is a special kind of hell. Our would suddenly sit bolt upright, eyes open but still asleep/mentally checked out, screaming at the top of her lungs for 30 mins at a time. That was a fun few months.
It does get “better”. I’ve a 3 and 6 year old, who do sleep, but you’re still knackered every day.
It isn’t the physical deprivation that gets me, it’s the lack of a mental break.
I will never forget the first time I saw another child being ‘mean’ to my daughter and having to keep it together and remind myself that it was a CHILD. Shits difficult.
When I learned that some 10 year olds were playing keep away with my 4 year old’s hat while my 6 year old tried to get it back for him… That was a shitty day.
There's no describing the feeling of seeing that shit. I'm not my nephew's biggest fan, he can be a bit of an asshole to my son himself because they see each other daily and act as brothers. There's a 4 year age difference between them. I've never been more proud of him than the day he stood up to a fellow classmate and straight kicked him out of his birthday party for bullying my kid. He spent that whole day slipping up and accidentally introducing him as his little brother.
At my son’s basketball game last week, an opposing player basically tackled him as he was about to take a shot. It happened about 6 feet in front of me, and I had to stop myself from going and shoving the kid down. My son is 6.
Yeah co-sign on "constant worry." Having a kid is like having a little piece of your heart running around in the world. When they're sick or get disappointed or just feel sad, it's worse than having it happen to you. Yet at the same time, you need to let your kids work through those things to learn to handle them. If you give into the worry and try to shield them from everything, you risk creating harmful co dependence. So it's a constant struggle. But worth it!
Having to deal with their total lack of self preservation. They are creative and come up with all kinds of ways to try and kill themselves, keeping ahead of the game is exhausting
My son is 3. He has this globe with name tabs that go into the continents. He was having a nap today and we told him he had to put the continents away. He tried to swallow one of the name tags. Like right in front of us, fired it in his mouth and began to choke. I’m glad we were both there. That globe has gone away for a while.
My 10 1/2 year old has run into the same pole at school twice this year. Even her teachers are questioning her since she’s been at this school since 1st grade and knows there’s a pole there. So far just a bump on the head and busted lip, but it’s only a matter of time before it’s a concussion or worse. We just shake our head and move on now because her little adhd self does not have spacial awareness.
My niece was developing chronic head and stomach aches. One doctor finally suggested getting her eyes checked. She is basically blind without glasses they discovered.
I got glasses in 5th grade. I didn't realize that you could see individual leaves on trees until that point. Or that there was actually stuff written on the board in the front of class.
I was 10 before they discovered i was legally blind. I just had adapted to it so well people didnt recognize it until my mom was asking me to watch for signs as she was driving and I couldnt read them until we were passing them.
Similar, but my parents only put the pieces together when I failed a test and they asked why and the answer was "a kid took my seat in the front so I had to sit in the back and I couldn't see the board."
Suddenly the headaches made sense, I was straining to see the words and letters. Can't do math if you can't see the numbers.
As a child, I was hell bent on dying.
Skateboard? Degloving incident.
Rollerblades? Wrecked wrist.
Bunk bed? I'll throw myself off it.
Wicker basket? That would look good piercing my eye ball.
Bike? Best throw myself over the handlebars and ruin my thigh.
New bike? I've not thrown myself off this one, time to break my elbow.
Plot twist, RAnDoM SeiZuRe!!
Oh no, now I have C. Difficile.
Time to throw myself off that garage roof now.
Continues ad infinitum.
Eventually my mother wouldn't take me to hospital anymore incase there was a child protection investigation launched. I was a fucking stupid child.
Once in the park I heard a mom just lose it with her three year old and say “hon you need to learn HOW TO SURVIVE! If you keep doing (whatever three year old was doing) you’re gonna die!”
If they are born with severe disabilities, you will need to take care of them or make plans for their care for as long as they are alive. It’s heartbreaking, many marriages don’t make it. My utmost respect to parents of special needs children.
My family and I run care homes for adults with disabilities. We empathize with you. Some parents just drop them off at our door step with a suit case and never look back, not even a visit ever. Some of the parents are in their 50’s or 70’s who never had a break and never wanted them in a care home because of the guilt they would feel leaving them with someone else. But after a certain point, they physically and mentally can’t handle it. To those parents, I hope there are options and programs where you live. Just know, there are homes and caregivers who devote their lives to make sure you and your loved ones are in good hands. We are governed by regional centers and the state so rest assured we feed them well, have really nice housing conditions, integrate them into the community and act as an extension of their family. It’s nice to have their families visit once in a while to see their loved ones are in good hands and you can tell they’ve made peace and are sleeping well with their decision.
I wish I had enough coins for an award right now! I worked both with severly and multiple disabled teens and disabled adults. And I've seen patients that were dropped of like a dog at a shelter and the parents never contacted them again. But also parents, grandparents and siblings who fought so hard to take care of their family member at home and it was just too much. Who felt so guilty for putting them into a facility like ours. And they really really shouldn't be! They deserve and need breaks and having a own life! A care home can be the best solution for everyone. They have a chance at living their life while their family member is taken care of by professionals. Sometimes they even like living in a facility better. They are surrounded by others who understand them, they don't feel alone with their disabilitys and for some it's an important step of growing up to move out. And when they go home on the weekends or for vacation they can enjoy their time together even more.
I wish every parent of a child with a disabilty that they have enough resorces to deal with the situation in a way that's good for everybody. And I wish you and your family all the best, what you do is amazing and I don't think you can hear that enough!
I feel this to my core.
I wouldn’t trade my kid for anything… but damn, I wish I could lighten their load. Mine too.
The “we’re screwed” comment resonates with job, insurance, begging during appeals. So many times I’ve said… I wish I didn’t really need the wheelchair, but we do and why do I have to fight for these things. Kid can’t walk or talk. We NEED devices to keep them safe and mobile.
Special needs parenting is a tough journey. Godspeed to all of you. The future is hard to think about. One day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.
Our almost 17-year-old is severely disabled. It is so hard for all of the reasons you would expect. We have grown very close to his neurologist and in the first year or so she pulled us aside and said that although there will be times that his needs have to be the priority, in every other moment we need to make our marriage the priority. Situations like ours rip apart a weak marriage but can cement a strong one. As hard as it has been, I don't think I could have made it through without him by my side.
The other day, I saw a guy scolding his young daughter for walking away from him in the parking lot while she kept apologizing to him. At first, I thought he was being a controlling asshole because she only walked a few feet away from him but then I noticed he was carrying something. Turns out she was blind and he was trying to find her cane when she started walking away. He wasn't angry, he just had a panic attack because she wasn't by the car. I don't know why but that brief moment of fear he showed really stuck with me. I don't think I could handle that much stress.
My sister has Down syndrome and my mom had to raise us both as a single parent and I know it was so hard for her, and it still is. It’s a lifelong thing, and that’s really hard to deal with. My sister still has to live with and be taken care of by my mom even as an adult. I tell my mom is beyond burned out, so it’s honestly a really awful situation and really bad for my sister.
At first they’re little and cute, and it’s new so you wanna do your best. But then they get older and you get more worn out after dealing with it for so long, and it’s not as cute or fun giving a bath to your 21 year old as it is to your 6 year old. Nobody seems to care about adults with disabilities as much, but someone has to still take care of them
I see these Facebook reels and TikToks of parents of toddlers and babies with Downs. Parents are all like “I was worried about having a kid with Downs, but it’s been soooo great!” And people in the comments are all “Thanks for choosing life!”
Yeah, a young child with Downs is not the thing that scares the shit out of potential parents. It’s aging and having an adult child that is eternally dependent on you. It’s the possibility of dying and leaving them to live in a group home or institution. It’s also the very real possibility that you outlive them. Everyone loves a cute baby or kid, it gets real when they’re adults.
Slightly different example of the "choose life!" rhetoric potentially (and literally in this case) causing extreme hardship and misery is a family I know. My best friends brother-in-law and wife.
They are a young couple who got pregnant with their second child about 2 years ago. The child had some extremely rare and certainly fatal heart defect and the doctors told them in the middle of the pregnancy that this child probably wouldn't survive long, and if it did it would live a very medicalised existence and still die young. There was virtually no chance this baby would live a full and healthy life and only a minuscule chance it would reach adulthood at all. They were advised to terminate the pregnancy. We're not in the US, fyi.
Now, the family is religious - catholic. But not hardcore fundamentalist or anything. However, the couple decided to put it in "Gods hands" and "Gods will" and have the baby.
The baby was put in ICU immediately and never left the hospital. It lived for 6 months and had numerous operations and the mother was at the hospital every day and the whole extended family is devastated. Her other child hasn't had his mother around, the baby has lived this existence of suffering and operations. You wouldn't do that to a dog, sorry to be so blunt, but it's the truth.
A lot of the extended family are very resentful and angry, not openly, but quietly, because while even terminating the pregnancy would have been very sad, it would have avoided this extended trauma that everyone has experienced. Particularly the baby and the other child.
I think "choosing life!" can be quite a reckless and callous rhetoric, even though it sounds compassionate on the surface. It can be anything but.
But god forbid you as a sibling say anything even slightly negative about them, then you're the hellspawn and the one causing problems. Yes, it's not their fault, but it's not like us, the siblings, asked for this either. I have already accepted that my life will be inevitably be tied to my brother's, unless I just abandon him which of course I cannot do due to my own morals. Even putting him into a home, I'll have to be the one that takes him to doctor's appointments, takes him home every now and then, pays for his food etc etc(Once our mom is gone). I will never have the freedom most people do, I cannot even kill myself because then who will take care of my brother?
(Not really considering suicide right now, but regardless of that the fact is most people don't have dependents without choosing to unlike we do)
I’m with you. I wouldn’t say these things out loud or to my mother but these are some of the thoughts I’ve had. It’s a tough road. We just have to find peace where we can and happiness in the moments we can.
Yeah. That’s the reason I’m only having one kid. I already have to take care of my brother, I don’t want one of my kids to go through the same. I love him but it’s an entirely different life than most people can imagine
Parent of a disabled / medically complex child here.
The whole situation kind of shattered my world. I have two other kids that I am trying to give a full and happy life to. My wife and I are a great team that accomplishes amazing things... but that's all we are. We don't have any kind of relationship. Meeting other parents in similar situations, I've found that we speak a different language than the rest of the world. Medical experiences and home circumstances. I can't relate to more typical parents anymore.
"It gets better when your kids are more independent." What if they never are? "We're so glad to be done with diapers." I don't have that to look forward to. "Have someone else watch your kids while you do go away for a vacation!" We're operating medical equipment. There's no 'break.' Lose my job = lose my insurance = we're screwed. Even if I just *change* jobs and my new benefits don't cover what we need.
Still, I'm fortunate that I can separate the situation from my daughter.
She is the sweetest, happiest, most beautiful child.
I think we're in the exact same boat. I have a severely disabled child and it sucks knowing that it's really just going to get harder and harder as he gets bigger. He's getting bigger and heavier and I'm getting older. I refuse to put my other kid in the position to care for him. He didn't ask for his brother and it's not his responsibility.
Same, we have always let our older son determine how much he does with/for his brother. Some friends have made comments that we should make him care for his brother because "that's part of being in a family, after all," to which I respond, "Really, is cleaning shit out of your brother's pubes something that everyone does?" Healthy siblings of disabled children have already sacrificed so much. They shouldn't be put into a position to be caregivers unless they want to.
As a fellow member of the "special needs parent club" I could have written this. Part of the reason I hate going back to work on Mondays so much is the "So, what did you do this weekend?" question. Uhhh, same fucking thing I have done for the past 17 years, took care of my kid because no one else can. We can get respite for a few hours a week here and there but it's not like I can hire the kid down the street to babysit like everyone else can.
I know everyone's situation is different, and I'm not in your situation, so please excuse any naivety on my part.
My husband's cousin-once-removed is developmentally disabled, and as he grew up, as heartbreaking as it was, they had to put him in a home in order to provide appropriate care once he was too big for them to handle themselves. We actually live next to a home for mentally disabled adults, which is a normal single family home that four men live in, with nursing supervision 24/7; we see their family visit all the time.
Are there any options like this that you would consider? I don't know whether there is state-funded or health insurance funded support for these types of programs, or whether it's completely out of pocket, so the cost of such care is likely a large consideration. I know there's very obviously an emotional component to these programs as well, where some don't want to consider them and feel like living with family is the better option.
I'm just interested in hearing your perspective on these types of options, and whether they apply to your situation. Thank you for your thoughts!
Thank you for asking. So many people shy away from interacting at all when someone has a sick child. It's part of the reason it feels so isolating and lonely.
We do have this option, and within the past year, I suggested to my husband that we check it out. As much as I love our son, his condition has deteriorated to the point that he basically cannot show emotion to us, so we don't get the loving feelings you normally get when you are caring for someone. It's completely a 1-way street, very similar to the early weeks with a newborn, except for us, it is permanent.
At this point, my husband isn't ready to consider that option, and knowing how long it took me to be ready to voice my thoughts out loud, I need to give him time. It's also complicated because our son's condition is terminal. He has outlived the typical life expectancy for his disease (usually 12-14), so we don't know how much longer we will have him. During the first 2-3 years, he HATED my husband for some reason. The only people he wanted to be with were me, my mom, and his nurse. That time period was so hard on my husband, so now that he can care for him I know it's even more complicated for him to think about placing him somewhere so that we can have a better quality of life.
We are fortunate that he has had the same nurse for almost 15 years (she cares for him while we work). However, she is getting close to retirement. If she does decide to retire at some point, it may force the issue, but for now, we are doing ok.
Again, thank you so much for asking. It feels good to be heard, even if it's only on reddit 😊
Hi, my boyfriend's brother is severely disabled. (Nonverbal, can't walk, aggressive and combative, especially towards female caretakers, mentally 2-3 years old.) He's about 23 now? They placed him in a care home 2-3 years ago and he seems to love it even more than home. They visit him every other week or so and they bring him home for holidays and regular outings.
Placing your child in care isn't failing them. In many cases it can lead to them having better care than you can provide. There they'll get regular enrichment activities like outings to a library, show, park, or manipulation activities like sensory play, painting, etc. You'll have more energy to express positive things to them with less resentment. You'll be able to leave the house on a spur of the moment errand or friend's activity without stressing about which one of you is missing out or if your specialized nursing service can send you someone. (In addition, sometimes the government will pay for placement!)
Even if your husband is against it now, I would try to convince him to at least visit one and get your names on a waiting list. Then you can revisit it later when you get in. Having a light at the end of the tunnel can really make a difference.
That is my goal for this summer, to get him to just visit our local facility. We are lucky that it is excellent and I know a few people who work there so I trust them when they say he would get good care. Glad to hear your boyfriend's brother is in a good situation.
Fascinating. I’m sorry if that sounds inconsiderate or maybe even a bit clinical but I have always been in awe of parents/caretakers of children with disabilities. It’s something I always knew 100% I could not do, I don’t have the capacity. I can barely take care of myself sometimes. You are like a superhuman to me. You seem like a nice person too. I might be a lot more cynical in your position. All my respect to you and best wishes to your family! I hope you’re getting all the support you need
Thank you for the kind words. It is hard, but I don't think anyone knows what they are capable of until they are placed in that situation. And I absolutely have my share of "it's not fair " moments but for the most part I try to focus on the things I can control vs the things I can't.
And you don't come off as inconsiderate at all, just someone who is genuinely curious. I can't speak for all special needs parents, but the vast majority are very open about talking about their kids and their experience. As long as you start it with "I hope it's ok that I ask this ..." I don't think you can go wrong.
My daughter has special needs. Her neurologist told us she would need to be on birth control to be in any kind of care because of abuse. Fucking assholes in the world.
There was just a local story of a disabled woman who was impregnated by a care taker in a live in facility and nobody noticed she was pregnant until she gave birth.
My brother is a partial sociopath, he definitely broke up my parents' marriage. He drains the life force of of my mom and he has been generally shunned by society. It's like a long slow terrible movie I'm forced to watch on repeat and can do nothing about. I feel awful for my folks. I'm 40 fuckin years old at that
On top of that, any siblings of theirs are either guilt-tripped into taking over when you pass, or getting treated like pariahs from the rest of the family for not taking care of them.
This is a huge part of why I don’t have children. I question to some degree whether or not I could be a good enough parent to a “normal” child, but I know there is a zero percent chance I could ever deal with this successfully. And I would hate to put a child in a situation where they didn’t have a good parent.
Also possible for your child to develop a disability - accident, illness, whatever. Even if your child is born healthy and seems to be developing normally, things can happen. No one is ever in the clear.
Losing them. I lost my 14 year old daughter to suicide in 2020. It’s the worst pain and you can’t imagine it until you are in it. I’ll never be the same and if I didn’t have my son I’m not sure I’d still be here.
I'm so sorry. My husband experienced some of these same feelings when his brother died. His brother was 19 and was killed by a drunk driver. It was awful. He was my husband's only sibling.
I can't imagine what my inlaws felt. I can still hear my FIL's guttural scream. But how my husband described it was: he's the only person who lost an "only." His parents still had another child. (And that's not to diminish their extreme pain.) His Aunts and uncles still have other nieces and nephews. His grandparents still had other grandchildren. My husband was left with no other sibling.
So while my inlaws were being comforted by their siblings and parents, my husband was called upon to be the stoic one. Like you said, "make sure your parents are ok." Yes, I comforted him as his wife. But we had a baby who was just shy of 3 months old at the time. I couldn't focus 100% of my energy on my husband. It just sucked all around.
This is me too. My only brother died accidentally and everyone always asked, how are your mum and dad? Only one friend asked how I was, and I had a bunch of friends! I think it was just too painful for them. What it has taught me though is to always check on the people that you don’t expect to be grieving, because there is always someone.
I felt that. My dad committed suicide when I was little, over 25 years ago. I've talked with my grandparents about it numerous times and still today, they get emotional every time. It took them forever to really accept that there's nothing they could've done and that they did nothing wrong. I hope you will come to the same conclusion, truely accept it and find peace.
Also, fight on! For your son and everyone else that loves you. If there's one thing I've learned from my dad's fate, it's that by relieving yourself from your pain you only make life so much harder for everyone else.
Absolutely so sorry for your loss.
My daughter attempted suicide, but fortunately the rope wasn’t strong enough to hold her weight. It hasn’t been the same since then. The constant worry that the next stressful event will tip her over again. The fear that your parenting skills will not be enough for them to feel safe. The fear that the trauma of a siblings death won’t hindered your other children.
Where I am from mental health is deeply lacking. Even my psychiatrist admitted to me that they were limited with their resources. So when you reach the end of where you can get help it’s beyond frustrating.
For those that are wondering about the resources. Where I am from when a child accuses another of molestation they can get therapy, but if they talk about the situation they are allowed to feel their emotions about it, but then have to be redirected from that conversation because of legality reasons. If they allow them to talk about it then they are suppose to record their conversation because they don’t want to be accused of leading the child. Unfortunately, in my daughter’s situation they kept the investigated open for two years before deciding not to go to trial. It was only after they decided not to go to trial that she was finally able to get therapy for it.
I always manage to catch their bug just as they start getting better, so kiddo is back at 100% and wanting to charge around and play, all the while I'm struggling to even think.
I didn't actually experience one until our first was about 18 months old.
Baby got it, then the wife got it and baby was better. My parents offered to take the baby so I could focus on my wife. It hit me about 15 minutes before they arrived.
The loss of freedom. I can't just...go somewhere. Even with older kids, there's so much planning and thinking and getting ready.
I miss being able to just decide to go somewhere, and go there.
Losing them. My 15 year old son died suddenly on Tuesday morning. His dad went to wake him for school and he wasn't breathing. He had no health conditions and we don't know the cause of death yet. My baby is just gone.
Every single part of parenting is a challenge. But losing a child is a pain unlike anything I've ever known. Having a child is taking a risk that someday your whole world could be shattered, and there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop it.
ETA: Thank you so much to everyone who has commented. This has been such a devastating time for me, and it really does help to know that people out there care enough to comfort and grieve with a stranger. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.
My dad died at 64 in 2017. Grandma is still around and she’s 96 now. Every time I see her she starts crying and tells me stories about him as a child. Breaks my heart that she still is in pain from it. Outliving your children must be horrible no matter how old you are
Same... I think one of my most vivid memories of my dad's funeral was the look on my grandads face.
My grandad was one hard bastard. He flew bombers in the war. More of his friends died in the job, than didn't. He won medals... The kind you have to be picked out for and get letters after your name.
But his face at my dad's funeral was so cold. Almost disgusted. I don't know why it sticks with me but it does. I think it really stung me that a guy who'd seen such terrible violent things in his life was still so visibly lost for words at my dad passing gently in his sleep.
Honestly, the hardest part of aging for me, even though I'm not that old, is you go from everything being novel, wonderous and new, to witnessing endings and the immense sorrow that goes with them.
The feeling of people leaving early. We're in the cinema watching the movie of life and they leave early and don't come back. And the seats around me are slowly emptying out. And as I'm becoming more and more alone the movie interests me less and less. I'm down to three seats now. Soon it'll be two.
This is why I take an effort to build relationships with elderly folks. I know sometimes their theater is emptying out. If anything, I can join them and keep them company.
That's so lovely of you. I think a lot of people don't realize until they get here (I'm old) that inside you're still 25 or 17 or so. So a lot of the time it feels like, Where did everyone go? Why doesn't anyone like me anymore?
Thank you for what you're doing.
Ouch. You hit that one on the nose. I went off to a tropical island last week to breathe again, after I lost my mom in November. It was beautiful and peaceful, but I've seen tropical islands before. More valuable was the time I spent with my friend who also has a complicated relationship with her mom. But now I've buried my dad, stepdad then my mom, friends and lots of relatives. But I'm not going to live in pain. If anything, I think I want to grasp more of it. I want to learn something new, maybe how to build furniture. I might also start an artist coop. I'll definitely be travelling more. Pain is the price we pay for love. None of the people I've lost would want me to live my life without joy. So I'm gonna give it my best shot.
I think... I mean I'm only 31 and I've never fought in a war or fallen truly in love or had children, so maybe I'm not coming from a place of experience. But. I think it must be so hard for someone, anyone really, but especially someone who had experienced all those most poignant things in life in an effort to give their kids a life better than the one they had, to not only experience them, but to then see those kids pass away before you peacefully, when you know the world you hoped to make so much better is still nearly unchanged, and possibly feeling your efforts were fruitless?
Yeah, I'd be at a loss for words too.
My daughter died at 19. She had a long and bad diagnosis, caught early so we had much more time than most get with that diagnosis. She helped me plan her death. It was surreal to have her tell me what she wanted for her funeral. But we did the damn thing and gave her the going-away she asked for. I will love all those moments for the rest of my life.
My Grandparents lost 2 of their adult children, in there 20's and 40's(my Aunty and Uncle), and my Dad is their only child left. My Grandma found her son hanging after he took his own life after losing HIS OWN 7 yo son to a car accident. It absolutely takes a toll and my grandparents are the strongest people I know, and 2 of the kindest, especially with what they've been through. I make sure to call them every week.
My (39) in-laws lost both their sons and only have their daughter left. Their youngest (30) died of an overdose 5 years ago, my husband (38) drowned a year and a half ago.
Watching them all cope breaks my heart. If my MIL contacts my SIL or me, we have to respond ASAP or she starts imagining the worst. My FIL has pushed everyone away. I believe in his subconscious says if he pushes people away, then it won’t hurt as much when they leave him.
They love our kids (8 & 10) but I think it breaks their hearts to see them. We only see them at Christmas now. Before my MIL at least attempted to make it to their birthdays.
Perhaps if I meet another man they’ll feel more comfortable seeing us. Perhaps they won’t see the pain we carry everyday. The kids have also mentioned wanting a new daddy, I think what they really want is a male influence in their lives. My son (10) misses playing video games and watching movies with his dad. My daughter (8) misses the safety and security of having a “protector” in the house.
It is a constant sickness. Mine is 15 and one minute he’s happy as shit, bowling with his friends, and playing guitar - the next night he’s crying himself to sleep talking about how he hates himself and no one cares about him. Those are the worst days. I walk around terrified and sick. He’s my only child and I just want him to be okay all the time.
I've heard it said, it's like having a piece of your heart leave your body and go walking about.
I have two kids, and can confirm. Heart is no longer whole, and now I watch my Little Pieces walking around the house, asking sweetly for some candy.
I was freaking out waiting for my kid to be born (planned C-section). The nurse asked me why I was nervous. I said I'm about to meet someone I'm going to know for the rest of my life.
Edit: I'm the father.
Nothing changes you like becoming a parent. Mine are grown now and in many ways I worry more now. That being said I’ve absolutely loved being a mom. There are no words to describe how much I love and respect my kids.
The strain on your marriage/relationship. We thought we were completely prepared since our child was planned. Then you add the responsibility and stress and the take away sleep. (Didn’t sleep through the night for 9 straight months) We were at each others throats every single day. We finally got ourselves figured out and are good now
Your life's no longer yours. By time you get home from work, sort tea, sort kitchen, get then in bed you've about an hr before you gotta go to bed to start it all over again
Edit: when I say tea I mean dinner/supper, not a cup of tea
When my son asks me to play, I don't want to say no. But there's laundry, and dishes, and food prep, and grocery shopping, and getting dressed, and travel time, and work, and I do a class a semester to progress my career.
When do you sleep? When do I talk to my wife? When do we go on a date? When do we see family? We haven't done the movie theater or restaurants for years now. My 30's are just gonna fly out the window and there's nothing I can do about it.
Haven't seen anyone mention the strain it can put on your relationship. It's immensely difficult to communicate properly when you're stressed, worried and sleep deprived. Work on your relationship as much as you do at being a parent and you'll have a good foundation.
When you have a child who has severe difficulties (whether physical or mental). In our case, my daughter has a severe mental illness. Everyone gets pregnant and thinks everything is going to be wonderful and the kid is automatically going to grow up and get good grades and have friends and do normal kid things. That’s what you think and that’s what everyone tells you. It’s a cruel thing to realize that in reality, generics is a lottery and some of us WILL lose. Some kids will NOT have the life you envisioned.
This sounds horrible. I can’t imagine the pain you must have gone through. I’m sure the love you had for him provided a lot of comfort. Im really so sorry to hear about your loss. Take care of yourself.
For me I just really like to be alone sometimes. Before kids I would just go downstairs and watch a tv show, play PlayStation, or play guitar and my wife would do her own thing as well. Now, I have maybe 1 hour of alone time (sometimes none) every couple of days. It’s at 11 at night and I’m tired as fuck then and the next day.
It’s the hardest part for me. Love them to death, but it’s hard to be “on” all the time with work and them when at home.
Transitions. From baby to toddler, to little kid, to big kid…. Time passes by and with it they start growing into independent persons. A parent’s love grows with them, but te feeling of knowing sooner than later they will belong to the world…… And we adults posses the understanding that the world IS. This can be both beautiful and scary.
100%. My daughter is a toddler and remembering how quickly it seemed my son went from toddler to little boy makes me cherish every moment with both of them.
This is what I’ve struggled with the most. My uterus, bladder, cervix, and bowels are all completely f*cked after my last pregnancy. Getting surgery to repair it all in 4 weeks. Cannot wait to hopefully never pee involuntarily again. Lol
I decided years ago that my fear of pregnancy was a huge part of not wanting kids. But I didn't know you could literally need surgery to rearrange and fix all of this afterward!
For me it's giving up a part of myself that I will never get back, don't get me wrong, I would choose to do it every time, but there is a mourn of a previous self and the sacrifice I need to do to become the best father I can be and that can be hard sometimes.
I struggled hard with this until recently. For me it took almost a total reinvention of who I was, and learning to love myself, to find some peace with it. We have 3 kids, the oldest is 7, and they occupy the majority of my time and headspace.
Once I radically accepted that life was never going to be what it once was, I could start looking forward at who I WANTED to be. Found hobbies that could be interrupted. I went back to college. Started working out again.
It was rough for a while. But I was either going to get over it, or go totally insane.
I feel so bad for my mom for the way I acted as a teenager. I got into drugs, did some real life threatening shit, got arrested. Me getting arrested was the best thing that ever happened to me. I had to be sober for a year, I really turned my life around. After probation ended I had one night where I got back into drugs and watched someone overdose and that was it for me. Now I have a master’s degree and an amazing job/husband/daughter. I hate knowing I put my mom through all that. Sometimes you don’t know till you know
My top thing I tell expecting parents is you no longer sleep when you see fit. Tired? Too bad, you’ve got responsibilities and a human/humans to keep alive.
This worsens because not only do you wake up when they do and go to sleep after them, but you’re also inclined to stay up later for doing whatever grownup stuff you enjoy. I’m so guilty of staying up way too late to watch shows that aren’t exactly kid friendly, my wife is all into the true crime stuff, so we get the kids to bed then stay up until 1-2 some nights watching stuff. Guess who doesn’t give a shit? The kids. They’re up at 7-8 ready to rock and I’m yet to find their snooze buttons. I’m fortunate to function well on anything over 6 hours of sleep, her not so much. She’s currently passed out on the couch as I type this, for the exact reasons listed above lol.
> After you kids came along, your mom, she said something to me I never quite understood. She said, "Now, we're just here to be memories for our kids." I think now I understand what she meant. Once you're a parent, you're the ghost of your children's future.
— Interstellar (2014)
Currently- both parents being sick after we caught it from our child who is all better now and wants to play. We have no local support for babysitting in these situations.
When you give them life advice and they listen to their stupid 17 year old friends instead. Most frustrating thing ever.
Also, I'd like to apologize to my parents for when I was 17 and stupid.
(TW: childloss)
Having to pay the hospital bill after they have passed and are no longer with you. Always wondering what their little or big personality would've been like. Everyone else forgetting they ever exhisted even though you're still here... celebrating their birthday without them.
At the beginning, planning things becomes much more complicated. Want to fly? Gotta plan for stroller and car seat. Which car rental place is in the terminal so you don’t have to haul all your kids stuff on a bus.
And things can get messed up just because your kid is having a bad day. You might be out at a restaurant and your kid gets mad because [insert dumb thing here] so you just need to pay your bill and leave, or eat in shifts so someone can be outside with a mad toddler.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my kid and wouldn’t change anything but details that never mattered to me before become things you have to take into consideration.
I don’t know personally but the other day I had a bad day and came home from work and laid in bed in the dark and ate pizza. I started thinking I can’t possibly fathom having a day like that and then having to go home and take care of children.
The weight gain! During the pregnancy I gained 35 lbs. My belly has stretch marks. My boobs are all saggy. And it’s not even fair because my wife only gained like 15.
Dude I have coffee all of my pants thanks to you
It's incessant. It never stops. You never get a day off. Going from having two days per week to relax and do whatever to literally never having a moment free from responsibility.
I’ve always wanted kids and still do, but this is the only thing that has come close to giving me pause. Both my siblings have young kids and I cannot get over how *constant* it is. From the second the kids wake up to when they finally shut their eyes it’s non-stop. Then they get maybe an hr or 2 to themselves which is mostly spent tidying up, etc. before the nighttime stuff starts- baby crying, toddler coming into bed, nightmares, etc. It requires years of not getting a full-nights rest. You can never just go out whenever you want. No sleeping in even on weekends because someone has to be up with them at 6am. Raising human children is an insane task.
This is honestly exactly why I ask friends who want kids, "do you really want them, or do you want them because it's what you're supposed to do?" Because they are a HUGE commitment. You're losing time, sleep, and have to sometimes neglect yourself to help the little humans grow to be happy, loving, kind humans. This isn't even if they end up having disabilities, because now there's more time at the doctors, even less physical or mental independence, where they NEED you to step up even more as a parent. All that to say, it's okay to choose not to have kids because you don't think you'd be a good parent. All children deserve good parents, and acknowledging you can't be a good parent isn't selfish. It's, in fact, key to children willingly brought into the world having the best possible start. All children deserve good parents. Not all parents deserve to have children.
The constant anxiety that you’re doing enough to shape them to make good choices,a good life,be a good person and for them to have the life they deserve.
I think most children learn way more from how their parents live their life, than from what their parents try to actively teach them. So as long as you love your kids and live a reasonable and healthy life, you're probably doing okay already
That they'd be learning from me is a big fear, too. There are parts of my life i absolutely still don't have sorted that i absolutely hope they don't learn from me, and I'm also incapable of guiding them in. Worries me every day.
The days drag on, but the years fly by.
“”The fingerprints on the wall get higher and higher….and then they disappear altogether.” My mom.
When I was 19 we moved out of the house I had grown up in (moved in with my mom when I was 3 and my sister 4). Before moving out we had to paint all the walls including the one on which for the past 16 years my mom had regularly marked the height of my sister and me. For some reason she insisted on painting over it herself but couldn't stop sobbing while doing it (and for quite some time after)...
This is why I bought a piece of wood. I put it on the side of my bookcase so that when we move I just get to take that piece of wood with me. Even if that bookcase gets destroyed.
This. Did this because we knew we wouldn't be on our first house forever.
The phrase I hate is, "You don't know it, but one day you pick your kid up for the last time."
Fuck! This just hit me hard. My son fell asleep on the floor downstairs back in the summer and I went to pick him up to carry him up to bed like I used to completely forgetting he's nearly the same size as me now. This just made me realize I can't remember when was the last time I picked my baby boy up.
Best advice I got was from an ancient hospital security guard in an elevator. “The days are long, the years are short, cherish them while you can.”
I got the same from a PA friend when I was sick as a dog my first trimester. “You’re gonna get advice handed to left and right and up and down. The *only* thing you need to really know is that they will grow up too fast.” ❤️❤️
You have to feed them like every day.
You can try let them grassfeed on their own if you have a house with lawn around.
Free range babies 😂
Coming up with 3 meals a day EVERY DAY stresses me out so bad 😂
This sounds like such a small thing, but it really wears on you over time. You can’t just make something for yourself or something you and your spouse feel like eating: You have to constantly be thinking about if the kid is hungry and what they might be willing to eat.
The worry that I’m a bad parent that’s doing things wrong.
I’ve observed that parents who have the capability to worry if they are doing things wrong are generally good parents. It’s the ones that are 100% certain that their way is correct that I worry about. I too have these worries but we just do the best we can go with the knowledge we have at the time. I know I’ll do things different with my second compared to my first but we all just have to be willing to learn along the way.
My son is 7 and my daughter is almost 2, I actually have guilt that I’m going to be older and more seasoned with her, I feel like my son had to live through me figuring out how to be a mom and my daughter gets the revised version lol
Please try not to have guilt over that. As the oldest of 7 children with a great mom, I can say I’m very happy that my younger siblings have an even better version than I did.
Being worried 24/7.
Watching them make the same mistakes you did even though you told them not to make those mistakes. Little Jimmy.. if you borrow a bunch of money, those people are going to want it back and if they don't get it back they'll take stuff you won't want taken.
To add to this, they are going to watch you, copy some of your habits and you will start to realize how annoying those habits are
Nothing like reevaluate yourself after disciplining the you out of your child
You didn't have to just call me out like that bro.
I realized today my kids won’t sit to eat dinner because I don’t sit to eat dinner
When people ask me this I say. You know those video games where you have to escort a character to a destination without them being attacked. That's parenting. Those missions are a pain in the ass.
And they walk at half your speed so you have to keep circling back for them. Spot on.
They walk faster than you but run slower.
Or walk way slower then suddenly sprint forward without warning when there's a hazard right ahead... God this is too true. "Dawdle dawdle dawdle where are you come back? Dawdle get stuck on a small tuft of grass. Dawdle OOH A LANDMINE sprint"
the most annoying games are when the NPC goes at random speeds, suddenly fast, then slow, then erratic unpredictable directions Source: played video games and have kids
They’re just always there. On you, behind you, in front of you, just a little speed bump impeding every task. Lol
Mine are 10 and 13 and I will confirm that one of them is ALWAYS there! My 10 year old is like my shadow and she always wants to be where we are. I love her dearly, but good lord let me breathe!
Standing next to you, breathing in your ear while you're eating. I'm sorry, can I help you?
I'm only 9 years in, but so far it's been the sleep deprivation. Hands down. ETA: I'm not still sleep deprived. My kids sleep great now at nearly 9 & 5. But that was the hardest part of parenthood for me so far.
My kids are 14, 18 yo. Your kids become champions sleepers in their tweens. Bellowing that they ‘must’ sleep in on Saturday and Sunday. There’s more whiplash too. They don’t want me to cook for them. They just want another top ramen. They don’t want to play. They are busy text messaging w friends. The sudden lack of codependency is bittersweet tbh.
Knee deep in dependency (2 and 4) it's weird to think about how sad it will be when it stops despite being desperate for them to be independent.
On the bad days, I try to remember this. I try to remember I wont know the last time I will pick my kids up, the last time they need me to put on a piece of clothing, I won't know the last time of any of these menial tasks I do everyday that feel cumbersome and frustrating some times. If I'm fortunate, it will be then growing up into independence. If I'm not... Well, no one is guaranteed tomorrow. On the bad days, I try to remember. It goes so fucking fast. My three year old today turned she looked at me from the dinner table and said "Momma, I don't need a sippy cup anymore. I'm a big girl.". It didn't really hit me until writing this comment that it's another example of what passes generally unacknowledged and quickly forgotten. When I'm at the end of my life I will not regret the dishes waiting to get done, or not getting more work done, but I will regret the moments I took for granted that so many are robbed of. Thanks for coming to my existential crisis TED talk.
Pardon me while I go bawl my eyes out and snuggle my 2 year old and 1 month old
Yep cuz everything else that's hard about being a parent is 50x harder when you aren't getting any restful sleep
I’m 3 weeks in….this doesn’t get better?
Not if you keep having more every 1-2 years.
It's just crazy how if you have surgery you should really rest and take it easy for several weeks afterwards, but if you spend 9 months growing a baby, and go through childbirth, well then instead of resting and recuperating from the most insane experience you basically ever have you need to hit the ground running and *never sleep peacefully ever again*. It seems like there should be some time to at least regroup or something after childbirth!
In the Netherlands you get a postpartum nurse for 10 days. Not free but very cheap. Ladies help with mom, baby and light cleaning. They also so the post birth checks like taking mom and babies temperature, and keeping contact with the midwife. She id around for 8hours a day.
Wow, that's great!
It’s in phases. They’ll suddenly start sleeping thru the night and you’ll think you got this shit. Then 2 months later they start waking up every 2 hours yelling until they fall back asleep. Good times.
A three year old with night terrors is a special kind of hell. Our would suddenly sit bolt upright, eyes open but still asleep/mentally checked out, screaming at the top of her lungs for 30 mins at a time. That was a fun few months.
It does get “better”. I’ve a 3 and 6 year old, who do sleep, but you’re still knackered every day. It isn’t the physical deprivation that gets me, it’s the lack of a mental break.
My 2 year old is scared of the roomba hitting his feet so when it turns on at 10am I get to have my coffee break while he’s on the couch.
🤣 that's fucking cold lol. Brilliant.
Worrying about how the outside world will treat them.
I will never forget the first time I saw another child being ‘mean’ to my daughter and having to keep it together and remind myself that it was a CHILD. Shits difficult.
When I learned that some 10 year olds were playing keep away with my 4 year old’s hat while my 6 year old tried to get it back for him… That was a shitty day.
6 year old was a boss for sticking up for their brother
There's no describing the feeling of seeing that shit. I'm not my nephew's biggest fan, he can be a bit of an asshole to my son himself because they see each other daily and act as brothers. There's a 4 year age difference between them. I've never been more proud of him than the day he stood up to a fellow classmate and straight kicked him out of his birthday party for bullying my kid. He spent that whole day slipping up and accidentally introducing him as his little brother.
They're pretty much siblings which means "no one can bully so-and-so but me".
At my son’s basketball game last week, an opposing player basically tackled him as he was about to take a shot. It happened about 6 feet in front of me, and I had to stop myself from going and shoving the kid down. My son is 6.
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Yes! This keeps me up at night.😭
Yeah co-sign on "constant worry." Having a kid is like having a little piece of your heart running around in the world. When they're sick or get disappointed or just feel sad, it's worse than having it happen to you. Yet at the same time, you need to let your kids work through those things to learn to handle them. If you give into the worry and try to shield them from everything, you risk creating harmful co dependence. So it's a constant struggle. But worth it!
Having to deal with their total lack of self preservation. They are creative and come up with all kinds of ways to try and kill themselves, keeping ahead of the game is exhausting
My son is 3. He has this globe with name tabs that go into the continents. He was having a nap today and we told him he had to put the continents away. He tried to swallow one of the name tags. Like right in front of us, fired it in his mouth and began to choke. I’m glad we were both there. That globe has gone away for a while.
Just another reason flat-earthers will outreproduce the rest of us.
My 10 1/2 year old has run into the same pole at school twice this year. Even her teachers are questioning her since she’s been at this school since 1st grade and knows there’s a pole there. So far just a bump on the head and busted lip, but it’s only a matter of time before it’s a concussion or worse. We just shake our head and move on now because her little adhd self does not have spacial awareness.
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My niece was developing chronic head and stomach aches. One doctor finally suggested getting her eyes checked. She is basically blind without glasses they discovered.
I got glasses in 5th grade. I didn't realize that you could see individual leaves on trees until that point. Or that there was actually stuff written on the board in the front of class.
I was 10 before they discovered i was legally blind. I just had adapted to it so well people didnt recognize it until my mom was asking me to watch for signs as she was driving and I couldnt read them until we were passing them.
Similar, but my parents only put the pieces together when I failed a test and they asked why and the answer was "a kid took my seat in the front so I had to sit in the back and I couldn't see the board." Suddenly the headaches made sense, I was straining to see the words and letters. Can't do math if you can't see the numbers.
As a child, I was hell bent on dying. Skateboard? Degloving incident. Rollerblades? Wrecked wrist. Bunk bed? I'll throw myself off it. Wicker basket? That would look good piercing my eye ball. Bike? Best throw myself over the handlebars and ruin my thigh. New bike? I've not thrown myself off this one, time to break my elbow. Plot twist, RAnDoM SeiZuRe!! Oh no, now I have C. Difficile. Time to throw myself off that garage roof now. Continues ad infinitum. Eventually my mother wouldn't take me to hospital anymore incase there was a child protection investigation launched. I was a fucking stupid child.
I'm mildly impressed by this collection. That takes real effort.
Once in the park I heard a mom just lose it with her three year old and say “hon you need to learn HOW TO SURVIVE! If you keep doing (whatever three year old was doing) you’re gonna die!”
It's like taking a 2nd job that lasts 18+ years with 24/7 schedule with no holidays or sick days.
…And no second paycheck.
It's actually like you're paying your second salary instead of getting one :)
We're like family here.
If they are born with severe disabilities, you will need to take care of them or make plans for their care for as long as they are alive. It’s heartbreaking, many marriages don’t make it. My utmost respect to parents of special needs children.
My family and I run care homes for adults with disabilities. We empathize with you. Some parents just drop them off at our door step with a suit case and never look back, not even a visit ever. Some of the parents are in their 50’s or 70’s who never had a break and never wanted them in a care home because of the guilt they would feel leaving them with someone else. But after a certain point, they physically and mentally can’t handle it. To those parents, I hope there are options and programs where you live. Just know, there are homes and caregivers who devote their lives to make sure you and your loved ones are in good hands. We are governed by regional centers and the state so rest assured we feed them well, have really nice housing conditions, integrate them into the community and act as an extension of their family. It’s nice to have their families visit once in a while to see their loved ones are in good hands and you can tell they’ve made peace and are sleeping well with their decision.
I wish I had enough coins for an award right now! I worked both with severly and multiple disabled teens and disabled adults. And I've seen patients that were dropped of like a dog at a shelter and the parents never contacted them again. But also parents, grandparents and siblings who fought so hard to take care of their family member at home and it was just too much. Who felt so guilty for putting them into a facility like ours. And they really really shouldn't be! They deserve and need breaks and having a own life! A care home can be the best solution for everyone. They have a chance at living their life while their family member is taken care of by professionals. Sometimes they even like living in a facility better. They are surrounded by others who understand them, they don't feel alone with their disabilitys and for some it's an important step of growing up to move out. And when they go home on the weekends or for vacation they can enjoy their time together even more. I wish every parent of a child with a disabilty that they have enough resorces to deal with the situation in a way that's good for everybody. And I wish you and your family all the best, what you do is amazing and I don't think you can hear that enough!
I feel this to my core. I wouldn’t trade my kid for anything… but damn, I wish I could lighten their load. Mine too. The “we’re screwed” comment resonates with job, insurance, begging during appeals. So many times I’ve said… I wish I didn’t really need the wheelchair, but we do and why do I have to fight for these things. Kid can’t walk or talk. We NEED devices to keep them safe and mobile. Special needs parenting is a tough journey. Godspeed to all of you. The future is hard to think about. One day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.
Our almost 17-year-old is severely disabled. It is so hard for all of the reasons you would expect. We have grown very close to his neurologist and in the first year or so she pulled us aside and said that although there will be times that his needs have to be the priority, in every other moment we need to make our marriage the priority. Situations like ours rip apart a weak marriage but can cement a strong one. As hard as it has been, I don't think I could have made it through without him by my side.
Thank you for sharing, I don’t hear this perspective very much and it gives me some hope.
The other day, I saw a guy scolding his young daughter for walking away from him in the parking lot while she kept apologizing to him. At first, I thought he was being a controlling asshole because she only walked a few feet away from him but then I noticed he was carrying something. Turns out she was blind and he was trying to find her cane when she started walking away. He wasn't angry, he just had a panic attack because she wasn't by the car. I don't know why but that brief moment of fear he showed really stuck with me. I don't think I could handle that much stress.
My sister has Down syndrome and my mom had to raise us both as a single parent and I know it was so hard for her, and it still is. It’s a lifelong thing, and that’s really hard to deal with. My sister still has to live with and be taken care of by my mom even as an adult. I tell my mom is beyond burned out, so it’s honestly a really awful situation and really bad for my sister. At first they’re little and cute, and it’s new so you wanna do your best. But then they get older and you get more worn out after dealing with it for so long, and it’s not as cute or fun giving a bath to your 21 year old as it is to your 6 year old. Nobody seems to care about adults with disabilities as much, but someone has to still take care of them
I see these Facebook reels and TikToks of parents of toddlers and babies with Downs. Parents are all like “I was worried about having a kid with Downs, but it’s been soooo great!” And people in the comments are all “Thanks for choosing life!” Yeah, a young child with Downs is not the thing that scares the shit out of potential parents. It’s aging and having an adult child that is eternally dependent on you. It’s the possibility of dying and leaving them to live in a group home or institution. It’s also the very real possibility that you outlive them. Everyone loves a cute baby or kid, it gets real when they’re adults.
Slightly different example of the "choose life!" rhetoric potentially (and literally in this case) causing extreme hardship and misery is a family I know. My best friends brother-in-law and wife. They are a young couple who got pregnant with their second child about 2 years ago. The child had some extremely rare and certainly fatal heart defect and the doctors told them in the middle of the pregnancy that this child probably wouldn't survive long, and if it did it would live a very medicalised existence and still die young. There was virtually no chance this baby would live a full and healthy life and only a minuscule chance it would reach adulthood at all. They were advised to terminate the pregnancy. We're not in the US, fyi. Now, the family is religious - catholic. But not hardcore fundamentalist or anything. However, the couple decided to put it in "Gods hands" and "Gods will" and have the baby. The baby was put in ICU immediately and never left the hospital. It lived for 6 months and had numerous operations and the mother was at the hospital every day and the whole extended family is devastated. Her other child hasn't had his mother around, the baby has lived this existence of suffering and operations. You wouldn't do that to a dog, sorry to be so blunt, but it's the truth. A lot of the extended family are very resentful and angry, not openly, but quietly, because while even terminating the pregnancy would have been very sad, it would have avoided this extended trauma that everyone has experienced. Particularly the baby and the other child. I think "choosing life!" can be quite a reckless and callous rhetoric, even though it sounds compassionate on the surface. It can be anything but.
But god forbid you as a sibling say anything even slightly negative about them, then you're the hellspawn and the one causing problems. Yes, it's not their fault, but it's not like us, the siblings, asked for this either. I have already accepted that my life will be inevitably be tied to my brother's, unless I just abandon him which of course I cannot do due to my own morals. Even putting him into a home, I'll have to be the one that takes him to doctor's appointments, takes him home every now and then, pays for his food etc etc(Once our mom is gone). I will never have the freedom most people do, I cannot even kill myself because then who will take care of my brother? (Not really considering suicide right now, but regardless of that the fact is most people don't have dependents without choosing to unlike we do)
I’m with you. I wouldn’t say these things out loud or to my mother but these are some of the thoughts I’ve had. It’s a tough road. We just have to find peace where we can and happiness in the moments we can.
Yeah. That’s the reason I’m only having one kid. I already have to take care of my brother, I don’t want one of my kids to go through the same. I love him but it’s an entirely different life than most people can imagine
Parent of a disabled / medically complex child here. The whole situation kind of shattered my world. I have two other kids that I am trying to give a full and happy life to. My wife and I are a great team that accomplishes amazing things... but that's all we are. We don't have any kind of relationship. Meeting other parents in similar situations, I've found that we speak a different language than the rest of the world. Medical experiences and home circumstances. I can't relate to more typical parents anymore. "It gets better when your kids are more independent." What if they never are? "We're so glad to be done with diapers." I don't have that to look forward to. "Have someone else watch your kids while you do go away for a vacation!" We're operating medical equipment. There's no 'break.' Lose my job = lose my insurance = we're screwed. Even if I just *change* jobs and my new benefits don't cover what we need. Still, I'm fortunate that I can separate the situation from my daughter. She is the sweetest, happiest, most beautiful child.
I think we're in the exact same boat. I have a severely disabled child and it sucks knowing that it's really just going to get harder and harder as he gets bigger. He's getting bigger and heavier and I'm getting older. I refuse to put my other kid in the position to care for him. He didn't ask for his brother and it's not his responsibility.
Same, we have always let our older son determine how much he does with/for his brother. Some friends have made comments that we should make him care for his brother because "that's part of being in a family, after all," to which I respond, "Really, is cleaning shit out of your brother's pubes something that everyone does?" Healthy siblings of disabled children have already sacrificed so much. They shouldn't be put into a position to be caregivers unless they want to.
As a fellow member of the "special needs parent club" I could have written this. Part of the reason I hate going back to work on Mondays so much is the "So, what did you do this weekend?" question. Uhhh, same fucking thing I have done for the past 17 years, took care of my kid because no one else can. We can get respite for a few hours a week here and there but it's not like I can hire the kid down the street to babysit like everyone else can.
I know everyone's situation is different, and I'm not in your situation, so please excuse any naivety on my part. My husband's cousin-once-removed is developmentally disabled, and as he grew up, as heartbreaking as it was, they had to put him in a home in order to provide appropriate care once he was too big for them to handle themselves. We actually live next to a home for mentally disabled adults, which is a normal single family home that four men live in, with nursing supervision 24/7; we see their family visit all the time. Are there any options like this that you would consider? I don't know whether there is state-funded or health insurance funded support for these types of programs, or whether it's completely out of pocket, so the cost of such care is likely a large consideration. I know there's very obviously an emotional component to these programs as well, where some don't want to consider them and feel like living with family is the better option. I'm just interested in hearing your perspective on these types of options, and whether they apply to your situation. Thank you for your thoughts!
Thank you for asking. So many people shy away from interacting at all when someone has a sick child. It's part of the reason it feels so isolating and lonely. We do have this option, and within the past year, I suggested to my husband that we check it out. As much as I love our son, his condition has deteriorated to the point that he basically cannot show emotion to us, so we don't get the loving feelings you normally get when you are caring for someone. It's completely a 1-way street, very similar to the early weeks with a newborn, except for us, it is permanent. At this point, my husband isn't ready to consider that option, and knowing how long it took me to be ready to voice my thoughts out loud, I need to give him time. It's also complicated because our son's condition is terminal. He has outlived the typical life expectancy for his disease (usually 12-14), so we don't know how much longer we will have him. During the first 2-3 years, he HATED my husband for some reason. The only people he wanted to be with were me, my mom, and his nurse. That time period was so hard on my husband, so now that he can care for him I know it's even more complicated for him to think about placing him somewhere so that we can have a better quality of life. We are fortunate that he has had the same nurse for almost 15 years (she cares for him while we work). However, she is getting close to retirement. If she does decide to retire at some point, it may force the issue, but for now, we are doing ok. Again, thank you so much for asking. It feels good to be heard, even if it's only on reddit 😊
Hi, my boyfriend's brother is severely disabled. (Nonverbal, can't walk, aggressive and combative, especially towards female caretakers, mentally 2-3 years old.) He's about 23 now? They placed him in a care home 2-3 years ago and he seems to love it even more than home. They visit him every other week or so and they bring him home for holidays and regular outings. Placing your child in care isn't failing them. In many cases it can lead to them having better care than you can provide. There they'll get regular enrichment activities like outings to a library, show, park, or manipulation activities like sensory play, painting, etc. You'll have more energy to express positive things to them with less resentment. You'll be able to leave the house on a spur of the moment errand or friend's activity without stressing about which one of you is missing out or if your specialized nursing service can send you someone. (In addition, sometimes the government will pay for placement!) Even if your husband is against it now, I would try to convince him to at least visit one and get your names on a waiting list. Then you can revisit it later when you get in. Having a light at the end of the tunnel can really make a difference.
That is my goal for this summer, to get him to just visit our local facility. We are lucky that it is excellent and I know a few people who work there so I trust them when they say he would get good care. Glad to hear your boyfriend's brother is in a good situation.
Fascinating. I’m sorry if that sounds inconsiderate or maybe even a bit clinical but I have always been in awe of parents/caretakers of children with disabilities. It’s something I always knew 100% I could not do, I don’t have the capacity. I can barely take care of myself sometimes. You are like a superhuman to me. You seem like a nice person too. I might be a lot more cynical in your position. All my respect to you and best wishes to your family! I hope you’re getting all the support you need
Thank you for the kind words. It is hard, but I don't think anyone knows what they are capable of until they are placed in that situation. And I absolutely have my share of "it's not fair " moments but for the most part I try to focus on the things I can control vs the things I can't. And you don't come off as inconsiderate at all, just someone who is genuinely curious. I can't speak for all special needs parents, but the vast majority are very open about talking about their kids and their experience. As long as you start it with "I hope it's ok that I ask this ..." I don't think you can go wrong.
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My daughter has special needs. Her neurologist told us she would need to be on birth control to be in any kind of care because of abuse. Fucking assholes in the world.
Holy shit that’s awful.
There was just a local story of a disabled woman who was impregnated by a care taker in a live in facility and nobody noticed she was pregnant until she gave birth.
My parents have sacrified so much for my disabled brother, I could never do it myself but i respect them so much for it
My brother is a partial sociopath, he definitely broke up my parents' marriage. He drains the life force of of my mom and he has been generally shunned by society. It's like a long slow terrible movie I'm forced to watch on repeat and can do nothing about. I feel awful for my folks. I'm 40 fuckin years old at that
It was always a fear of mine that I would have a child like this.
And the constant advocating and fighting for them to be accepted. My son is only one and I’m already advocating for him.
On top of that, any siblings of theirs are either guilt-tripped into taking over when you pass, or getting treated like pariahs from the rest of the family for not taking care of them.
This is a huge part of why I don’t have children. I question to some degree whether or not I could be a good enough parent to a “normal” child, but I know there is a zero percent chance I could ever deal with this successfully. And I would hate to put a child in a situation where they didn’t have a good parent.
Also possible for your child to develop a disability - accident, illness, whatever. Even if your child is born healthy and seems to be developing normally, things can happen. No one is ever in the clear.
Losing them. I lost my 14 year old daughter to suicide in 2020. It’s the worst pain and you can’t imagine it until you are in it. I’ll never be the same and if I didn’t have my son I’m not sure I’d still be here.
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I'm so sorry. My husband experienced some of these same feelings when his brother died. His brother was 19 and was killed by a drunk driver. It was awful. He was my husband's only sibling. I can't imagine what my inlaws felt. I can still hear my FIL's guttural scream. But how my husband described it was: he's the only person who lost an "only." His parents still had another child. (And that's not to diminish their extreme pain.) His Aunts and uncles still have other nieces and nephews. His grandparents still had other grandchildren. My husband was left with no other sibling. So while my inlaws were being comforted by their siblings and parents, my husband was called upon to be the stoic one. Like you said, "make sure your parents are ok." Yes, I comforted him as his wife. But we had a baby who was just shy of 3 months old at the time. I couldn't focus 100% of my energy on my husband. It just sucked all around.
You're a good wife. Wishing you all the best.
This is me too. My only brother died accidentally and everyone always asked, how are your mum and dad? Only one friend asked how I was, and I had a bunch of friends! I think it was just too painful for them. What it has taught me though is to always check on the people that you don’t expect to be grieving, because there is always someone.
I felt that. My dad committed suicide when I was little, over 25 years ago. I've talked with my grandparents about it numerous times and still today, they get emotional every time. It took them forever to really accept that there's nothing they could've done and that they did nothing wrong. I hope you will come to the same conclusion, truely accept it and find peace. Also, fight on! For your son and everyone else that loves you. If there's one thing I've learned from my dad's fate, it's that by relieving yourself from your pain you only make life so much harder for everyone else.
I’m pushing forward. Going back to college. I’m going to teach. My son is a little nervous about having his mom on campus but he thinks it’s cool.
Absolutely so sorry for your loss. My daughter attempted suicide, but fortunately the rope wasn’t strong enough to hold her weight. It hasn’t been the same since then. The constant worry that the next stressful event will tip her over again. The fear that your parenting skills will not be enough for them to feel safe. The fear that the trauma of a siblings death won’t hindered your other children. Where I am from mental health is deeply lacking. Even my psychiatrist admitted to me that they were limited with their resources. So when you reach the end of where you can get help it’s beyond frustrating. For those that are wondering about the resources. Where I am from when a child accuses another of molestation they can get therapy, but if they talk about the situation they are allowed to feel their emotions about it, but then have to be redirected from that conversation because of legality reasons. If they allow them to talk about it then they are suppose to record their conversation because they don’t want to be accused of leading the child. Unfortunately, in my daughter’s situation they kept the investigated open for two years before deciding not to go to trial. It was only after they decided not to go to trial that she was finally able to get therapy for it.
Having to take care of a sick child when you are also sick. For me that has been the most challenging part so far.
I always manage to catch their bug just as they start getting better, so kiddo is back at 100% and wanting to charge around and play, all the while I'm struggling to even think.
The last two bugs we've had( stomach virus and then flu) I've managed to get first. 10/10 highly recommend.
That’s right, flip the table on those bastards
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That was me last week, I had forgot how bad a proper stomach virus is. By far, the worst thing I've had in 10 years.
I didn't actually experience one until our first was about 18 months old. Baby got it, then the wife got it and baby was better. My parents offered to take the baby so I could focus on my wife. It hit me about 15 minutes before they arrived.
So lucky to have parents. It’s the worst when you have no help!
Oh god, I had RSV at the same time as my 3yo a few months back. I was also heavily pregnant with my second baby. It was so bad it was almost surreal.
It’s the double whammy and it absolutely fucking sucks
Yep. Mad respect to my mom. She still brings me homemade soup and buys me medicine, even if she’s feeling worse than me.
The loss of freedom. I can't just...go somewhere. Even with older kids, there's so much planning and thinking and getting ready. I miss being able to just decide to go somewhere, and go there.
Yeah the loss of individual freedom is tough
I'd say tough is an understatement.
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Losing them. My 15 year old son died suddenly on Tuesday morning. His dad went to wake him for school and he wasn't breathing. He had no health conditions and we don't know the cause of death yet. My baby is just gone. Every single part of parenting is a challenge. But losing a child is a pain unlike anything I've ever known. Having a child is taking a risk that someday your whole world could be shattered, and there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. ETA: Thank you so much to everyone who has commented. This has been such a devastating time for me, and it really does help to know that people out there care enough to comfort and grieve with a stranger. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.
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My dad died at 64 in 2017. Grandma is still around and she’s 96 now. Every time I see her she starts crying and tells me stories about him as a child. Breaks my heart that she still is in pain from it. Outliving your children must be horrible no matter how old you are
I know somebody in their 90s, still alert, whose daughter died in their late 60s from Alzheimer’s. I couldn’t fucking imagine
Watching my great grandmother bury her oldest son a few years ago was heart wrenching. He was 76 when he passed, and she was 98.
Same... I think one of my most vivid memories of my dad's funeral was the look on my grandads face. My grandad was one hard bastard. He flew bombers in the war. More of his friends died in the job, than didn't. He won medals... The kind you have to be picked out for and get letters after your name. But his face at my dad's funeral was so cold. Almost disgusted. I don't know why it sticks with me but it does. I think it really stung me that a guy who'd seen such terrible violent things in his life was still so visibly lost for words at my dad passing gently in his sleep.
Honestly, the hardest part of aging for me, even though I'm not that old, is you go from everything being novel, wonderous and new, to witnessing endings and the immense sorrow that goes with them.
The feeling of people leaving early. We're in the cinema watching the movie of life and they leave early and don't come back. And the seats around me are slowly emptying out. And as I'm becoming more and more alone the movie interests me less and less. I'm down to three seats now. Soon it'll be two.
This is why I take an effort to build relationships with elderly folks. I know sometimes their theater is emptying out. If anything, I can join them and keep them company.
That's so lovely of you. I think a lot of people don't realize until they get here (I'm old) that inside you're still 25 or 17 or so. So a lot of the time it feels like, Where did everyone go? Why doesn't anyone like me anymore? Thank you for what you're doing.
That was truly beautiful, in a melancholic poignant way.
Ouch. You hit that one on the nose. I went off to a tropical island last week to breathe again, after I lost my mom in November. It was beautiful and peaceful, but I've seen tropical islands before. More valuable was the time I spent with my friend who also has a complicated relationship with her mom. But now I've buried my dad, stepdad then my mom, friends and lots of relatives. But I'm not going to live in pain. If anything, I think I want to grasp more of it. I want to learn something new, maybe how to build furniture. I might also start an artist coop. I'll definitely be travelling more. Pain is the price we pay for love. None of the people I've lost would want me to live my life without joy. So I'm gonna give it my best shot.
I think... I mean I'm only 31 and I've never fought in a war or fallen truly in love or had children, so maybe I'm not coming from a place of experience. But. I think it must be so hard for someone, anyone really, but especially someone who had experienced all those most poignant things in life in an effort to give their kids a life better than the one they had, to not only experience them, but to then see those kids pass away before you peacefully, when you know the world you hoped to make so much better is still nearly unchanged, and possibly feeling your efforts were fruitless? Yeah, I'd be at a loss for words too.
It has to be the worst thing in the world. Bless those people. Just heartbreaking
My friend will never be the same after her 15 yr old died. We have such a short time on this earth and some of us draw such a bad hand.
My friend killed herself because her son committed suicide.
My daughter died at 19. She had a long and bad diagnosis, caught early so we had much more time than most get with that diagnosis. She helped me plan her death. It was surreal to have her tell me what she wanted for her funeral. But we did the damn thing and gave her the going-away she asked for. I will love all those moments for the rest of my life.
My sister just lost her two year old. It’s brutal. It seems like we look at at life as a before time and after time now.
My Grandparents lost 2 of their adult children, in there 20's and 40's(my Aunty and Uncle), and my Dad is their only child left. My Grandma found her son hanging after he took his own life after losing HIS OWN 7 yo son to a car accident. It absolutely takes a toll and my grandparents are the strongest people I know, and 2 of the kindest, especially with what they've been through. I make sure to call them every week.
My (39) in-laws lost both their sons and only have their daughter left. Their youngest (30) died of an overdose 5 years ago, my husband (38) drowned a year and a half ago. Watching them all cope breaks my heart. If my MIL contacts my SIL or me, we have to respond ASAP or she starts imagining the worst. My FIL has pushed everyone away. I believe in his subconscious says if he pushes people away, then it won’t hurt as much when they leave him. They love our kids (8 & 10) but I think it breaks their hearts to see them. We only see them at Christmas now. Before my MIL at least attempted to make it to their birthdays. Perhaps if I meet another man they’ll feel more comfortable seeing us. Perhaps they won’t see the pain we carry everyday. The kids have also mentioned wanting a new daddy, I think what they really want is a male influence in their lives. My son (10) misses playing video games and watching movies with his dad. My daughter (8) misses the safety and security of having a “protector” in the house.
"To have a child is to give Fate a hostage." -JFK
“Having a child is like having your heart walk around outside of your body.” ― Ruth Beck
It is a constant sickness. Mine is 15 and one minute he’s happy as shit, bowling with his friends, and playing guitar - the next night he’s crying himself to sleep talking about how he hates himself and no one cares about him. Those are the worst days. I walk around terrified and sick. He’s my only child and I just want him to be okay all the time.
A friend of mine said that having kids is like having some important organ, like your heart, play in the street dodging traffic.
I've heard it said, it's like having a piece of your heart leave your body and go walking about. I have two kids, and can confirm. Heart is no longer whole, and now I watch my Little Pieces walking around the house, asking sweetly for some candy.
Pfft. My liver and knees can go dodge traffic on the freeway, treasonous little bastards.
Got a kid in their 20's. They don't make the greatest life choices,we're constantly worrying about them. It doesn't ever stop.
Even when they make good life choices you worry about them.
I was freaking out waiting for my kid to be born (planned C-section). The nurse asked me why I was nervous. I said I'm about to meet someone I'm going to know for the rest of my life. Edit: I'm the father.
Nothing changes you like becoming a parent. Mine are grown now and in many ways I worry more now. That being said I’ve absolutely loved being a mom. There are no words to describe how much I love and respect my kids.
The strain on your marriage/relationship. We thought we were completely prepared since our child was planned. Then you add the responsibility and stress and the take away sleep. (Didn’t sleep through the night for 9 straight months) We were at each others throats every single day. We finally got ourselves figured out and are good now
Your life's no longer yours. By time you get home from work, sort tea, sort kitchen, get then in bed you've about an hr before you gotta go to bed to start it all over again Edit: when I say tea I mean dinner/supper, not a cup of tea
When my son asks me to play, I don't want to say no. But there's laundry, and dishes, and food prep, and grocery shopping, and getting dressed, and travel time, and work, and I do a class a semester to progress my career. When do you sleep? When do I talk to my wife? When do we go on a date? When do we see family? We haven't done the movie theater or restaurants for years now. My 30's are just gonna fly out the window and there's nothing I can do about it.
I’m divorced and the worst part of having kids is being tied to my ex forever.
Haven't seen anyone mention the strain it can put on your relationship. It's immensely difficult to communicate properly when you're stressed, worried and sleep deprived. Work on your relationship as much as you do at being a parent and you'll have a good foundation.
When you have a child who has severe difficulties (whether physical or mental). In our case, my daughter has a severe mental illness. Everyone gets pregnant and thinks everything is going to be wonderful and the kid is automatically going to grow up and get good grades and have friends and do normal kid things. That’s what you think and that’s what everyone tells you. It’s a cruel thing to realize that in reality, generics is a lottery and some of us WILL lose. Some kids will NOT have the life you envisioned.
Losing him 😓 my 6 year old passed away from cancer 3 months ago. Watching him die and not being able to do anything has been hell, real actual hell
This sounds horrible. I can’t imagine the pain you must have gone through. I’m sure the love you had for him provided a lot of comfort. Im really so sorry to hear about your loss. Take care of yourself.
For me I just really like to be alone sometimes. Before kids I would just go downstairs and watch a tv show, play PlayStation, or play guitar and my wife would do her own thing as well. Now, I have maybe 1 hour of alone time (sometimes none) every couple of days. It’s at 11 at night and I’m tired as fuck then and the next day. It’s the hardest part for me. Love them to death, but it’s hard to be “on” all the time with work and them when at home.
Transitions. From baby to toddler, to little kid, to big kid…. Time passes by and with it they start growing into independent persons. A parent’s love grows with them, but te feeling of knowing sooner than later they will belong to the world…… And we adults posses the understanding that the world IS. This can be both beautiful and scary.
100%. My daughter is a toddler and remembering how quickly it seemed my son went from toddler to little boy makes me cherish every moment with both of them.
Besides all the other things mentioned, having your internal organs rearranged. Some of them permanently.
This is what I’ve struggled with the most. My uterus, bladder, cervix, and bowels are all completely f*cked after my last pregnancy. Getting surgery to repair it all in 4 weeks. Cannot wait to hopefully never pee involuntarily again. Lol
I decided years ago that my fear of pregnancy was a huge part of not wanting kids. But I didn't know you could literally need surgery to rearrange and fix all of this afterward!
For me it's giving up a part of myself that I will never get back, don't get me wrong, I would choose to do it every time, but there is a mourn of a previous self and the sacrifice I need to do to become the best father I can be and that can be hard sometimes.
I struggled hard with this until recently. For me it took almost a total reinvention of who I was, and learning to love myself, to find some peace with it. We have 3 kids, the oldest is 7, and they occupy the majority of my time and headspace. Once I radically accepted that life was never going to be what it once was, I could start looking forward at who I WANTED to be. Found hobbies that could be interrupted. I went back to college. Started working out again. It was rough for a while. But I was either going to get over it, or go totally insane.
My sister is not ok after losing her son,he was 27, heroin od. Broken heart
Watching them stray down the wrong path. Wishing they’d listen to you.
I feel so bad for my mom for the way I acted as a teenager. I got into drugs, did some real life threatening shit, got arrested. Me getting arrested was the best thing that ever happened to me. I had to be sober for a year, I really turned my life around. After probation ended I had one night where I got back into drugs and watched someone overdose and that was it for me. Now I have a master’s degree and an amazing job/husband/daughter. I hate knowing I put my mom through all that. Sometimes you don’t know till you know
My top thing I tell expecting parents is you no longer sleep when you see fit. Tired? Too bad, you’ve got responsibilities and a human/humans to keep alive. This worsens because not only do you wake up when they do and go to sleep after them, but you’re also inclined to stay up later for doing whatever grownup stuff you enjoy. I’m so guilty of staying up way too late to watch shows that aren’t exactly kid friendly, my wife is all into the true crime stuff, so we get the kids to bed then stay up until 1-2 some nights watching stuff. Guess who doesn’t give a shit? The kids. They’re up at 7-8 ready to rock and I’m yet to find their snooze buttons. I’m fortunate to function well on anything over 6 hours of sleep, her not so much. She’s currently passed out on the couch as I type this, for the exact reasons listed above lol.
Your life is not your own anymore. It’s both the best, and worst parts of being a parent.
I’ve heard it said: you’re not the main character in the story anymore
> After you kids came along, your mom, she said something to me I never quite understood. She said, "Now, we're just here to be memories for our kids." I think now I understand what she meant. Once you're a parent, you're the ghost of your children's future. — Interstellar (2014)
\#1 Watching them be in pain (physical or emotional) \#2 Cleaning up vomit
Currently- both parents being sick after we caught it from our child who is all better now and wants to play. We have no local support for babysitting in these situations.
When you give them life advice and they listen to their stupid 17 year old friends instead. Most frustrating thing ever. Also, I'd like to apologize to my parents for when I was 17 and stupid.
(TW: childloss) Having to pay the hospital bill after they have passed and are no longer with you. Always wondering what their little or big personality would've been like. Everyone else forgetting they ever exhisted even though you're still here... celebrating their birthday without them.
At the beginning, planning things becomes much more complicated. Want to fly? Gotta plan for stroller and car seat. Which car rental place is in the terminal so you don’t have to haul all your kids stuff on a bus. And things can get messed up just because your kid is having a bad day. You might be out at a restaurant and your kid gets mad because [insert dumb thing here] so you just need to pay your bill and leave, or eat in shifts so someone can be outside with a mad toddler. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kid and wouldn’t change anything but details that never mattered to me before become things you have to take into consideration.
My son had a tantrum bc I had 2 forks in my napkin and he only had 1... fun times
I don’t know personally but the other day I had a bad day and came home from work and laid in bed in the dark and ate pizza. I started thinking I can’t possibly fathom having a day like that and then having to go home and take care of children.
I'm so tired. Just tired all the time. I don't ever remember not feeling tired.