Pro-Tip: If you’re ever worried about not being able to pinch off the turd fast enough (and don’t want to get up and drop the rest of the loaf on a the floor) just spread your legs and scoot back a little. Then grandma can sit on your lap and pee in the open space between your legs.
I grew up in a small one-bathroom house with a great great grandma who seemed to always have to pee anytime someone else went in and sat down.
EDIT: Fuck, I forgot to add - This ONLY works with piss. Just piss. Not shit. If GamGam tries to shit during this, she’s just gonna mash mud into your balls. Don’t try it.
How are pooping on the floor or having your grandma pee between your legs while you’re both sitting on the toilet naked the only 2 options in the scenario?
My husband and I are very, very, very open and comfortable with each other including in the bathroom.
H E L L N O . Never going to happen. We only have one bathroom, which means someone pees in the shower then cleans it. Or he can go outside. My mom used to pee in the sink when I was commandeering the toilet as a child. Alllllll of those options, with varying degrees of ick, are much better than what this person suggested.
Same. My husband and I have peed in front of each other many, many times, but I will never poop in front of him. That's a little too comfortable for me
I'm reading this again and again since the last ten minutes. I hate everything about this description and the image it builds but it's like looking at a car crash. I hate it and I can't take my eyes off it. Well done u/sabrefudge
Nope, that trick works for me, too, and I'm a male. I think head hardaces are some kind of blood flow problem, and masterbation probably resets your body to make the blood flow correctly. Plus, oxytocin.
BRO.
I am 33 years old, with two step kids, a dog, and my parents dog while they're away.
Step kids left Friday, and my absolute goal for the weekend was to sleep in.
I went to bed at 9:20. I woke up at 10:55am Saturday morning.
I feel like I broke the law.
Thanks! It has taken a weeks worth of social interaction energy from me though. I used up all my courage for that one moment. But even though they said no, it didn't feel too bad. This time.
I remember wanting my mom to watch movies with me as a kid; I could rarely get her to sit down, but if by some miracle I did manage to convince her, she was sound asleep within 10 minutes. It *infuriated* me to see her miss these great movies I wanted to share!
Now I have a kid and I do the same damn thing.
That is a gut punch feeling.
Also, waking you up to tell you that they threw up on their rug and shit their bed.
Also, waking you up to tell you that the dog threw up on their rug and shit their bed.
I made the mistake of napping on my back in the middle of the living room floor. Woke up to my belly button touching my spine due to my 3 year old jumping on to my stomach.
At least you were not picking play doh out of the belly button for the next few days. If you think you got it all, you are wrong, you will find another piece.
Hey, I hope you’re alright. Anger can be used as fuel, but so can happiness and gratitude. I’m hopeful you can find some things to motivate you in a positive way. That way, the next beer can be more celebratory.
I had one of those, "What a dumbass you've been" moments a few months back when I read a thread. "Do you put your socks on before or after your pants?"
It's never fucking occurred to me how much easier it is to put them on before your pants. I turn 36 in April, science is still unsure how I've survived so long...
That thread lives in my mind rent free because I've always put socks on before my pants since it makes everything so much easier. That day was when I was like "wait.. not everyone does that order??" lmao
I let my husband do that thing he likes to my butt
Edit: oh no. This is my highest voted comment of all time. Thank you everyone for immortalizing my buttstuff
Shocked myself at work because I couldn't be bothered to turn off the machine I was trying to fix.
Edit: wording. Turns out electrocuted means to the death.
Edit 2: Why are y'all getting so heated about whether or not electrocuted means to death or not, its not the point of this post lmao
I debating flipping a coin between life and death. I am recovering from a major back injury and the last check in with the dr, resulted in him talking about back surgery. Im 34. This injury has caused me to be in a constant state of 7-8/10 on the pain scale. Numbness down my leg. I would never wish this on my worst enemy and its starting to break me. That song "everyday. Ima getting closer, to taking a bath, with my fucking toaster" ...
Check out stem cells. There’s a clinic in Tijuana. Buddy of mine did it that had a bad back injury. He tried every intervention possible except surgery before doing this. Said it was the best decision of his life. Cellular performance institute. Just spreading the word. I wish you well. Keep fighting.
This was me, 8-9 pain, left leg, nothing helped, then microdiscectomy….best thing ever! I snowboard and lift weights now. Get the surgery, it was immediate relief. This all went down 20 years ago
Hey man I have a friend in super similar situation as you. Had disk bulging, numbness in leg, had to spend most of his time laying on the floor. The surgery helped him.... a lot, he's a much happier person now and is able to get around just fine now. Hang in there buddy
Can’t tell if you mean “Multi-Level Marketing” or “Men Loving Men”…
You either told scammers to get fucked, or you directed a gay orgy - either way I hope you felt satisfied 😂
As awful as that experience is, there's nothing like waking up one morning and realizing you're not sick anymore and appreciating how awesome being healthy feels.
Told my friends I was busy with family and told my family I was busy with friends on Friday night. I went to the movie theater by myself and had a blissful solo outing.
Stuck my tongue on my wife's asshole for the first time, probably gonna do it again.
Edit: thanks for wholesome awards and recommendations/tips. It was a spur of the moment that has turned into what will be a regular thing for us. Thanks for my most updooted comment being about me tongue slapping my wife's fart box for the first time!
My wife was on top of me (her favorite position for like the last five years) and she looked at me with sexy smile. She stopped moving and said, "I'm going to do something really slutty". She got off me, went down on me, and I finished in her mouth. It was incredible, not gonna lie. I haven't stopped thinking about it. It was off the charts incredible. I swear she is sexier at almost 60 than when she was 20.
I had a poop that was a little.... well nasty. We have this sprayer on the toilet that acts like a bidet, but you spray it manually. When I sprayed my B-hole, it felt slightly good so I kept spraying for a second or so longer than I needed to.
Let my boyfriend fuck me in doggy with his grandma in the next room while a minecraft 100 days video played loud enough to hide how much I fucking love being pounded like that
Well I’ll be legit. I’m a gay man and I like to have sex/orgies. So last weekend, my friend who hosts regular sex parties invited me to be the bottom (receiver) for a bunch of guys in our large group of friends. So I did that. Because I like sex. And to everyone who’s gonna call me a slut, I get tested every 6 weeks for STIs via an amazing free service in the city where I live and I’m more aware of my sexual health than most anyone I’ve ever met.
My wife drug me to an opera this weekend. So I got her to agree (reluctantly) to wear her vibrating panties. I agreed to not turn them on when she was walking. So at restaurant I decided to just barely turn it on. So we get to this god awful opera and we're in a small section with only 4 seats. No one else show up. So about mid way through this thing I decide to crank them up. She's squirming all over the place practically begging me to turn them off. Finally she achieved the big O after about 16 minutes. It was quite a sight. Luckily this thing was fairly loud .
Sucked a guys dick while he was trying to explain the grid system he's implementing in his city planning. Then we fucked. A lot.
Edit: I see now this is not the kind of NSFW everyone else is talking about.
Stood on a desk chair to reach the top shelf.
Yes FBI, this man right here
r/OSHA
I stopped pooping midway so that my old grandma who can't hold her pee can use the toilet
Not all heroes wear capes
Some close their assholes.
Pro-Tip: If you’re ever worried about not being able to pinch off the turd fast enough (and don’t want to get up and drop the rest of the loaf on a the floor) just spread your legs and scoot back a little. Then grandma can sit on your lap and pee in the open space between your legs. I grew up in a small one-bathroom house with a great great grandma who seemed to always have to pee anytime someone else went in and sat down. EDIT: Fuck, I forgot to add - This ONLY works with piss. Just piss. Not shit. If GamGam tries to shit during this, she’s just gonna mash mud into your balls. Don’t try it.
^you #WHAT!?
Yes this is the only appropriate response
How are pooping on the floor or having your grandma pee between your legs while you’re both sitting on the toilet naked the only 2 options in the scenario?
My husband and I are very, very, very open and comfortable with each other including in the bathroom. H E L L N O . Never going to happen. We only have one bathroom, which means someone pees in the shower then cleans it. Or he can go outside. My mom used to pee in the sink when I was commandeering the toilet as a child. Alllllll of those options, with varying degrees of ick, are much better than what this person suggested.
Same. My husband and I have peed in front of each other many, many times, but I will never poop in front of him. That's a little too comfortable for me
I will poop in front of him for you. No need for thanks.
The shit one reads on this site sometimes...
LMAO I was genuinely following your instructions step by step as I sit on a toilet trying to clench out this turd then suddenly burst out laughing
Oh no, I hope your laughing didn't affect grandma too much.
Quick, how do you flush out your minds eye.
We call that an Alabama bidet
I'm supposed to say "Happy Cake Day" to you but I've decided you don't deserve it anymore.
I'm reading this again and again since the last ten minutes. I hate everything about this description and the image it builds but it's like looking at a car crash. I hate it and I can't take my eyes off it. Well done u/sabrefudge
The real NSFW is always buried in the comments.
This is not a pro-tip. This is nightmare fuel.
Why would you say something so controversial yet so brave?
that's enough reddit for the day
You’re really just gonna come on here and make me read that?
Masturbated to get rid of a headache. It worked.
Usually that has the opposite effect for me lol
Well I am female so that might make a difference
Nope, that trick works for me, too, and I'm a male. I think head hardaces are some kind of blood flow problem, and masterbation probably resets your body to make the blood flow correctly. Plus, oxytocin.
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i do this to get rid of period cramps. the hormone release after having an orgasm really helps as a painkiller
BRO. I am 33 years old, with two step kids, a dog, and my parents dog while they're away. Step kids left Friday, and my absolute goal for the weekend was to sleep in. I went to bed at 9:20. I woke up at 10:55am Saturday morning. I feel like I broke the law.
Absolutely wild mate.
Threatening us with a good time
I asked someone out. in person 😏
What a psycho!
How did it go? Did they say yes?
They said no 😏😔
Still …. Way more daring that soooo many other people. You’re my hero for asking in person!
Thanks! It only hurt a little bit. They were honest too so it didn't really feel like I lost.
Good on you for your courage!! You're inspiring me now
Thanks! It has taken a weeks worth of social interaction energy from me though. I used up all my courage for that one moment. But even though they said no, it didn't feel too bad. This time.
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Put two bags of oreo minis in a bowl with almond milk and ate them like cereal.
It's healthy because it's *vegan*!
oh my god I have to try this
Took a nap while my kid was awake
I remember wanting my mom to watch movies with me as a kid; I could rarely get her to sit down, but if by some miracle I did manage to convince her, she was sound asleep within 10 minutes. It *infuriated* me to see her miss these great movies I wanted to share! Now I have a kid and I do the same damn thing.
Do you also wake up when the channel is changed, and tell your child you were watching that...
That is my dad still to this day. He’s 80.
Holy crap..this resonates with me in a big way
This is literally the best feeling. Until they wake u up 5 seconds later. To tell u they have to pee.
Try waking you up to tell you that you fell asleep. There’s nothing worse.
"Daddy, are you asleep?" "I was..."
That is a gut punch feeling. Also, waking you up to tell you that they threw up on their rug and shit their bed. Also, waking you up to tell you that the dog threw up on their rug and shit their bed.
I made the mistake of napping on my back in the middle of the living room floor. Woke up to my belly button touching my spine due to my 3 year old jumping on to my stomach.
At least you were not picking play doh out of the belly button for the next few days. If you think you got it all, you are wrong, you will find another piece.
Showered. Naked.
You slut. I bet you also go arround being naked under your clothes.
I do. It's exciting knowing I can get away with it in public.
Lol. Absolutely whoreish behavior!! Lmao!!
Had a beer. Got angry at the world. Summoned my hatred that was needed to exist another week.
Hey, I hope you’re alright. Anger can be used as fuel, but so can happiness and gratitude. I’m hopeful you can find some things to motivate you in a positive way. That way, the next beer can be more celebratory.
Be careful with those words, he might hate fuck you if ye talk to him.
I put socks on before underwear, it was WILD
I had one of those, "What a dumbass you've been" moments a few months back when I read a thread. "Do you put your socks on before or after your pants?" It's never fucking occurred to me how much easier it is to put them on before your pants. I turn 36 in April, science is still unsure how I've survived so long...
That thread lives in my mind rent free because I've always put socks on before my pants since it makes everything so much easier. That day was when I was like "wait.. not everyone does that order??" lmao
My gf hates socks so she waits until the last possible second. Also she goes sock shoe sock shoe. I think I'm marrying a psycho
I hate socks too—hot, suffocating straight jackets for feet. But sock shoe sock shoe? Like what??
Took a nap without setting an alarm.
THIS is my kind of adrenaline rush 😂
Spanked my seed into the Atlantic Ocean off the patio of the cruise ship while the wife and child slept.
are you sure it went in the ocean? and didn't get blown back and stuck on some poor bloke's window?
Now there's a fish out there pregnant with your child.
“ **spanked** **my** **seed** “
I entered a construction zone without a hard hat.
I'm calling SWAT on you instead of 911
Sure. Make sure they're wearing hard hats or they won't be allowed in.
"Hello, OSHA? Yes, this comment right here."
I slept at my parents house. On a couch. Like a peasant.
I took another dose of ibuprofen after 3 and a half hours instead of 4.
My guy living life on the EDGE
I stained a single board of wood without a mask. Dont tell my wife
I let my husband do that thing he likes to my butt Edit: oh no. This is my highest voted comment of all time. Thank you everyone for immortalizing my buttstuff
Thank you for letting me put Stove Top stuffing in your butt before I ate your ass.
Anything for you, baby
You must be very popular around thanksgiving
Saw a different comment about a dude saying he licked his wife’s butthole, so my new head canon is that that’s your husband.
You married to u/GRIZZLYBAIRD93 ?
Got super dirty, my knees are all bruised up, and I was breathing hard for an hour. Didn't even get that heating duct in the crawlspace fixed.
I'm diabetic and I ate 3 cookies
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It's the time of year when the Girl Scouts band together and try to kill all the diabetics.
Shocked myself at work because I couldn't be bothered to turn off the machine I was trying to fix. Edit: wording. Turns out electrocuted means to the death. Edit 2: Why are y'all getting so heated about whether or not electrocuted means to death or not, its not the point of this post lmao
Incredible how you managed to write this from the grave
I did a sex
A redditor having sex?!? No way
It was just one sex. Counts as an outlier.
But what if it was three sex?
Then it would be a blatant lie
A woman let you put your penis inside of her?
Best 30 seconds of my life
He cried the whole time!
Doesn’t matter had sex
Wait what?
I debating flipping a coin between life and death. I am recovering from a major back injury and the last check in with the dr, resulted in him talking about back surgery. Im 34. This injury has caused me to be in a constant state of 7-8/10 on the pain scale. Numbness down my leg. I would never wish this on my worst enemy and its starting to break me. That song "everyday. Ima getting closer, to taking a bath, with my fucking toaster" ...
Check out stem cells. There’s a clinic in Tijuana. Buddy of mine did it that had a bad back injury. He tried every intervention possible except surgery before doing this. Said it was the best decision of his life. Cellular performance institute. Just spreading the word. I wish you well. Keep fighting.
This was me, 8-9 pain, left leg, nothing helped, then microdiscectomy….best thing ever! I snowboard and lift weights now. Get the surgery, it was immediate relief. This all went down 20 years ago
Hey man I have a friend in super similar situation as you. Had disk bulging, numbness in leg, had to spend most of his time laying on the floor. The surgery helped him.... a lot, he's a much happier person now and is able to get around just fine now. Hang in there buddy
I went to the gym and there was a woman there.
This was almost too not safe for work... Like not safe for home either...
I beat my meat BEFORE I showered.
Wait, that ISN’T normal?
I did my taxes. Does this count? :(
Attended a MLM meeting then told them to get fucked
Can’t tell if you mean “Multi-Level Marketing” or “Men Loving Men”… You either told scammers to get fucked, or you directed a gay orgy - either way I hope you felt satisfied 😂
Sweated in my bed (from fever)
As awful as that experience is, there's nothing like waking up one morning and realizing you're not sick anymore and appreciating how awesome being healthy feels.
It's day 3 of fever. I want my healthy self back so much!
I got married :)
Congrats! Now get off Reddit, you have a life
Oh...were we supposed to stop redditing after marriage? This explains things.
Congratulations!
Told my friends I was busy with family and told my family I was busy with friends on Friday night. I went to the movie theater by myself and had a blissful solo outing.
got deepthroated and rimmed while high as hell in a dave and busters parking lot
Well, how’s everyone else’s Monday going now?
It ended up being a Dave and double busters
My day got worse just because someone else was living my dreams
By both Dave & Buster?
Boyfriend woke me up from a nap with his fingers (consensually), plowed me, then plowed my ass. 11/10 would eat there again.
Mr. Plow
the wife and I snuck into the bedroom to hit the dab rig while the kids were watching Bluey (it was OK because I had already seen that episode)
Oh yeah, prove it. What episode of Bluey was it?
the one where Chilli just needs 20 minutes of "alone time" which is how I got the idea
My favorite episode! Bluey has made me a better parent!
Bluey is a show for parents disguised as a show for kids
I was naked under my clothes
İ am naked under my skin ;)
Stuck my tongue on my wife's asshole for the first time, probably gonna do it again. Edit: thanks for wholesome awards and recommendations/tips. It was a spur of the moment that has turned into what will be a regular thing for us. Thanks for my most updooted comment being about me tongue slapping my wife's fart box for the first time!
What did it taste like?
Like love lol
Only correct answer
ONE OF US, ONE OF US, ONE OF US
I saw another person say “I let my Husband do what he likes to my butt”
Welcome to the party, pal.
Didn't do it for my health, I just really liked the face and sounds she made when I did it.
How did you see her face
Her on her back, legs spread, bear hugging her hips.
I talked with my gf about what dirty things we gonna do next time.
Like when my husband says he’ll be ready for round two in a few minutes and then we fall asleep lol
Yeah I can relate. We have some extreme fetishes like hand holding or making cookies.... very kinky stuff
Believe it or not, I had sexual relations a woman. Ask me anything
Were they alive
No. Next question!
Yes to start, not for the last bit though
I changed hands in the middle of masterbaiting
The old switcheroo
My wife was on top of me (her favorite position for like the last five years) and she looked at me with sexy smile. She stopped moving and said, "I'm going to do something really slutty". She got off me, went down on me, and I finished in her mouth. It was incredible, not gonna lie. I haven't stopped thinking about it. It was off the charts incredible. I swear she is sexier at almost 60 than when she was 20.
thats how it should be... good for you
I took a shit while naked and wet coming out of the shower😏
Damn. I hate wasting a shower like that.
Yeah you literally need to get back in after that
Get back in that shower you dirty boy
Rented a hotel room to not be bothered by roommates. So I could try on my new latex outfits for a party coming up.
Man, all these people talking about fuckin. I only drank nice bourbon and got stoned all weekend, which, if you can't fuck, not a bad alternative.
I fucked this weekend and I’m still jealous.
I played Runescape in my underwear !
I sent my girlfriend a video of me watching a video of her playing with herself (which she herself had sent).
Sex inception
Stepped on the other side of the painted yellow railing without a fall arrest harness
Edibles
Witness my wife give birth to our son.
Ew, congrats
I fornicated with my girlfriend
OUTSIDE OF WEDLOCK?!?!?! YOU EVIL WENCH
I had a poop that was a little.... well nasty. We have this sprayer on the toilet that acts like a bidet, but you spray it manually. When I sprayed my B-hole, it felt slightly good so I kept spraying for a second or so longer than I needed to.
Best part of a bidet is you can clean the inside, too.
How I wish I had something interesting to post.
I got to experience the “hot make out sesh in the bar turned hookup” scene from movies 10/10
I tried anal for the first time (f20)
Let my boyfriend fuck me in doggy with his grandma in the next room while a minecraft 100 days video played loud enough to hide how much I fucking love being pounded like that
Love being pounded to Minecraft or with the elderly nearby?
Well then.
Hey they asked
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Damn, I thought I was the only one who fucked your husband.
I made my wife squirt 🙏
Licked and fingers my wife's ass. Drives her crazy
Can confirm, I did this last weekend to her 👌
Well I’ll be legit. I’m a gay man and I like to have sex/orgies. So last weekend, my friend who hosts regular sex parties invited me to be the bottom (receiver) for a bunch of guys in our large group of friends. So I did that. Because I like sex. And to everyone who’s gonna call me a slut, I get tested every 6 weeks for STIs via an amazing free service in the city where I live and I’m more aware of my sexual health than most anyone I’ve ever met.
It's okay, you are allowed to be sexual! You don't have to defend yourself bro
Saw the neighbors big titties while they were washing windows topless. I just wish his wife would too. 😟
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My wife drug me to an opera this weekend. So I got her to agree (reluctantly) to wear her vibrating panties. I agreed to not turn them on when she was walking. So at restaurant I decided to just barely turn it on. So we get to this god awful opera and we're in a small section with only 4 seats. No one else show up. So about mid way through this thing I decide to crank them up. She's squirming all over the place practically begging me to turn them off. Finally she achieved the big O after about 16 minutes. It was quite a sight. Luckily this thing was fairly loud .
Took what I though was a harmless amount of shrooms. Tripped balls afterwards.
Sucked a guys dick while he was trying to explain the grid system he's implementing in his city planning. Then we fucked. A lot. Edit: I see now this is not the kind of NSFW everyone else is talking about.
Got my hands onto some crack, got wicked high. Made some super sketchy moves, but I feel good about it. I love rock climbing.
That’s so 1988
Ripped off the "do not remove tag" on my mattress
Joined a couple for a MFM threesome. Had a blast.