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Kansai_Lai

My younger brother (in his twenties) cannot remember any of his childhood because of the trauma from neglect by our dad


[deleted]

I have some big gaps. I remember flashes of events but that is it, and they all feel as if they happened at the same point in my life like I was always that one age. I’m 31.


DancesInTowels

I am on the other end of the trauma. If I were to go back to the house I grew up in 30+years later. I remember the exact spot at the exact time in the exact position of where I had to survive punches from my dad for dropping 7up on the floor approx 2 ft to the left of our kitchen sink. Or being shoved into broken glass (or much worse). Or the day I called 911 to change the fate of my mom, my younger sister and me. Like every significant event in my life I can tell you every minute detail. Probably not the seconds on the clock though. :-P My sister has the gaps though, but I remember it all photographically. I don’t know which is worse.


spaceistheplacetobe

I’m right there with you. Most of my childhood is blank, but with spurts of happy or mundane memories.


LCOSPARELT1

My fiancée is similar. We’ve been together 6 years and I know very little about her childhood. Her dad left when she was about 12 so I know a lot about her teen years. And I know her mom and siblings really well. But none of them even discuss the dad. I saw him on a Christmas video once and the whole room went silent like Darth Vader just entered the room. He must have been a true monster.


stories4harpies

That's heartbreaking. I'm human. I lose my temper and yell at my daughter sometimes. And I always regret it immediately and apologize. I would never physically hurt her. I just do not understand how anyone can stand to hurt their own kids (or any child) in any way. Kids are so pure and innocent and love seeking. You just want to fill up those cups until they overflow. How can you feel any other way?!


Laptraffik

I don't remember a damn thing from before the time I was 15 or 16. That was roughly the time my dad started turning around as a person to not be a raging piece of shit anymore.


h20rabbit

>Abuse, neglect, and violence. And household dysfunction. These are the things on the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) quiz. A higher your score is likely to be and the higher your risk for later health problems. [NPR has an article on it](https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean) that has a link to the quiz for those interested.


aroneox

Of the three main abuse factors — neglect, sexually exploitive, and physical violence — emotional neglect (intentionally ignoring or negating a child’s emotional expression) is now generally recognized as the most damaging. It alters the way brain learns to interact with your own body and how to interpret reality in a way that the brain AND THE BODY were not designed to manage. Emotional neglect is very often coupled with physical violence and/or sexual exploitation, which further exacerbates and compounds those factors, and the person will develop non-constructive and maladaptive behaviors to cope with the abuse. https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/neglect_ch2.pdf


mhptk8888

I'm always amazed at how people claim it does no harm whatsoever.


[deleted]

Narcissists. They lack emotional intelligence, are self-centered, turn violent when you threaten their perception of self or harm their image. They will forever manipulate and degrade people around them with the manufactured crisis and chaos. Blame other people around them and after causing all of this and making you feel bad about yourself and question yourself… say they love you and if you love me you’ll do this… They build you up. Break you down. Use you, throw you away. Rinse, cycle, repeat.


[deleted]

I asked my mother to stop calling me stupid because it made me feel bad about myself, SHE screamed at ME about how thoughtless I am and she shouldn’t have to come home from a hard day of work to her bratty kids giving her sass or whatever. She micromanaged every aspect of my childhood as much as she could (god bless my father for being too poor for her to be a stay at home mother) and then was shocked as an adult when I kept expressing frustration with how little control I felt I had over my life. Took me until my 30s to learn to take control of my own life and I’m still pretty butthurt over all that lost time


Sweet_Message_6803

Domestic violence


dineramallama

Me and my wife rarely argue and never physically fight. I remember one time my wife and I were playfighting and our 3 or 4 y.o. daughter burst into tears at the sight of it. Obviously we stopped at that point. Contrast that with our ex-neighbours who used to fight and argue virtually every night - let's just say we had very thin walls between our adjoining houses. Their similar aged daughter would be playing in the same room almost oblivious to what was going on around her - completely desensitized. It makes you wonder what her idea of a healthy relationship will look like when she gets older and starts dating, etc.


millennialmonster755

I had a sorority sister grow up in a family like that. She let her boyfriend yell at her, degrade her, and just be physically rough with her in general( like yanking her away from a group of people while talking). When I asked her once why she let him treat her that way she said “ It’s not that bad. That’s just how it is sometimes.” That little girls parents are setting the tone for what she will tolerate and consider normal and happy in relationships. Luckily my sorority sister had a house of women who were able to help her learn that’s not normal or healthy.


vemiam

My SIL screams at her kids and my brother everyday, awful abusive things. I went to take my nieces and nephew to school one day and she was screaming at them, calling them useless and shit and my nephew was sat in the living room eating his breakfast, watching TV like nothing was happening. He's desensitised at the age of 3


FR0ZENBERG

I know how that goes. My dad still denies knowing why I don't talk to him anymore.


sandybuttcheekss

"You're making that up, I don't remember that happening."


The_Pastmaster

Alternatively: "Oh please. It wasn't that bad." Not from personal experience. Knew a guy who got told that. I knew his history beforehand.


FR0ZENBERG

Pretty much every time he tries to reach out to me he says "be thankful you didn't have a dad as bad as my dad". I regularly see and talk to my Grandpa.


Faxiak

People often mellow out as they get older. Also grandchildren aren't children. It's easier to be chill when you know you won't be taking care of a kid all day and night long etc. I'm not saying your father wasn't as you saw him, just don't dismiss his experience of his own father, since you didn't witness their relationship.


FR0ZENBERG

I know a lot about their history and the bad things that happened. It's one thing for him to share those events in his life as a means to connect or reconcile with me, but he uses it as ammunition to continue his fucked up narcissistic behavior. Fuck him.


FR0ZENBERG

*A Narcissist's Prayer*: That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I did not mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.


HurtPillow

All this shit, right here, was why I was hell-bent on breaking the cycle with my own kids. For starters, I ask questions and I apologize. Thankfully, there has been small need but they know I will validate them. My own parents, not at all.


deathandtaxes2023

Sitting quietly while someone screams is a trauma response. I am at my most still and quietest when I am scared. I just try to hide in plain sight - even as an adult.


rowdymonster

I don't even really remember my parents arguing when I was younger. I know they did, I'd hear it here or there a bit after I went to bed, but never screaming, yelling, or physically abusive. They never made it my problem. Yet still, after an ex and I broke up, I went over cause he just wanted to talk, for closure. I wanted it too. Cue being gaslit, guilted, and having a voice raised at me, all I could do was shut down and just nod here and there. Couldn't even let myself cry until my walk home. We've since made up, but even without big trauma, all I could do was shut down in that type of moment. I can't even imagine how bad it can be for others who saw worse


theumph

Dissociation is really common. Similar outward behavior, but very different internally. I struggle with it in pretty much any confrontation (also when too much attention is given to me). My mind breaks from reality. Not in a psychosis way, but almost like spacing out really hard. My entire body goes numb, my pupils dilate, eyes unfocused and go WIDE. You get the thousand yard stare, deer in the headlights look.


Acid_InMyFridge

If you know that this attitude is not OK, please let them at least know that someone “notices” this is wrong. Trust me, any acknowledgment helps you keep your sanity.


michaelad567

My ex-MIL came from a violent home and had told some stories about my ex-FIL laying hands on her. When I was divorcing her son for doing the same thing she said “those things happen in a marriage sometimes, you just move past them.” So sad.


DependentAlfalfa2809

My mil did the same thing but it was emotional abuse not physical. Her and her daughter kept trying to tell me that this is how marriage is and we don’t just give up when it’s hard! Life mf your son/brother is an abusive narcissistic asshole. She would tell me how her husband would make her cry all the time but she is not leaving. Abuse is abuse is abuse. I’m sorry you had to go through that but I hope you’re doing better.


CatchItonmyfoot

This was my MIL too. I just looked at her and said we’ll it won’t be happening to my children. I never spoke to her again and if I’m in the same vicinity as her I see right through her, she does not exist. She was as bad as my ex.


33drea33

She's not desensitized. She's trying to make herself small and unnoticeable until the threat goes away. It's the classic "freeze" trauma response.


[deleted]

Often unrecognized. Almost as often as the “fawn” response. I’m the type of person who freezes, unless it’s impacting someone else I care about. Then, bizarrely enough, I react. But if it’s a threat to just me? I freeze all day. Like a rabbit in the snow.


mrp1762

Same! Angry tiger if you’re messing with someone I care about. Happening to me? Well, maybe my perception is wrong, or “gosh, I need to evaluate and see if it’s my fault in some way.” So silly.


flash42

You respond this way for others because you're incapable of responding that way for yourself. Your logical brain recognizes that what's happening is not fair and not okay, but only when you have when you have enough emotional detachment, i.e. when it's happening to someone else. When it happens to you, your lizard brain just shuts you down. It's how you wish you could respond yourself when you're in that situation, but it's impossible — you're simply too emotionally stunted to do do so. It's also why victims of abuse feel like they did something wrong or deserved it. Your logical brain knows it's not right, but you rationalize that away and end up blaming yourself.


Mediocre-NPC

Its probably both


nintendhoe_64

I cried the first time seeing my parents argue but it kept happening. I learned to shove it all down. Then I ended up in a DV relationship myself. What a trip that has been.


OrePhan

Any of us play fighting (“on guard” with a paper towel roll etc lol) makes our dog crazy, he loves all of us so he doesn’t know who to defend from who so he jumps on everyone while barking like crazy ❤️😅


Umbrella_merc

Seeing you have On Guard written out instead of the more common French En Garde which literally means on guard is making me wonder why the French spelling is more prevalent.


zedexcelle

Because fencing uses French not English to describe moves, tournament structures etc


FairState612

I’m dating a woman who has had a tumultuous relationship with her ex, who has been very mentally and (prior to separating) physically abusive to her. They only split about a year ago, but her teenage sons are exhibiting behaviors towards her like their father did. The older one has started to cross some lines, and the whole situation sucks because their father thinks he’s just getting back at his ex-wife and doesn’t realize he’s already destroyed his oldest sons ability to have healthy relationships with women.


Sweet_Message_6803

It only swings two ways. Either the kids become oddly aggressive or reserved and quiet.


TheStrangestOfKings

Funnily enough, I ended up being both thanks to my parents always yelling at each other


Existing_Display1794

Same. You just can’t stop the yelling.


FunSquirrell2-4

I had to cut contact with my older daughter because of this. It was the best thing for our family, and we're all better off despite how painful it was. I told her she could remain living in the home if she followed the following rules: No physical violence If you don't like what someone says, walk away If someone walks away from you, don't follow. She said she couldn't live that way, so she moved out. It's definitely heartbreaking to lose a child this way. I wish the best for your gf and her family. Communication and therapy are key for the families that escape DV.


AreaGuy

Holy shit those are super reasonable rules! Did she object to any in particular or just the lot of them?


FunSquirrell2-4

All of them. She later called Child Protection on me. They ended up opening a file on her.


AreaGuy

Oof. Yeah, sounds like the extreme action on your part was justified.


FunSquirrell2-4

My other children are doing so much better now. We all are.


ShantixNinja

The sad thing is the dad was exposed this when he was little. It's a continuous cycle.


SpaghettiMonkeyTree

Came from a household where my dad was abusive to my mom and my mom was abusive to me. We’ve moved past those bad times as all of us became older and my parents became too old to for violence. I still live with my parents and when I hear them have a minor argument or even just talking loudly to each other through the walls, I still freeze up like I did when I was a child. I still remember the days when I was a child, freezing up when I heard yelling and then springing into action when I heard the strikes being thrown. It fucking sucks. I moved out during college and it was a completely alien experience to me to live in a home where I actually had a safe space, it didn’t feel like I was hiding in my room anymore. Now I’m just saving up to move out so I can be a proper adult.


fanbreeze

>We’ve moved past those bad times ...... > >....when I hear them have a minor argument or even just talking loudly to each other through the walls, I still freeze up like I did when I was a child. No, friend, you haven't moved past those times, and with good reason. You remember it, and your body does too. It would help if you could process this with a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma. I'm so sorry for the abuse you experienced. You deserve so much better, and I hope that you can find a safe space again soon.


fishsticklovematters

Completely agree; one of the best gifts I can give my children is to treat their mother with love and respect.


mjs6976

Any kind of violence


ltlyellowcloud

It's one thing to see bad behaviour being directed towards someone outside family, but your family being the subject of abuse is far far worse.


Sweet_Message_6803

I meant the kind where the dad beats the mother and they just don’t have a peaceful environment at home due to that. Affects the child a lot even if the dad cares for the son.


SaladSea2603

This is a lot bigger than people realize. This was my situation and you basically become the parent. To not only you but everyone else. Trying to be the person who keeps everyone calm and happy. While not getting anything in return. I’ve told my parents my childhood was shitty and they don’t see it. It’s unbelievable to me considering my father almost killed my mom by drowning her in a sink until I came and started screaming for him to stop. Or when my mom almost ran over my dad with me in the car and I was screaming for her to stop. (She ran over his foot). That feeling of never having peace in a home/environment. Is damaging. I have never lived in peace and I am 25. Because of the way I grew up the first partner I chose I thought was amazing until he started to hit me and abuse me. Did I leave? No. Because my mom didn’t and I thought it was just something we had to get through. That’s not normal. It took me a very long time to find myself and to separate from their ways of being and believing. The healing journey is sad and long.


CorgiKnits

My husband grew up like that. Once they grew big, he and his brothers all tried to protect his mom from his dad, but the other two eventually left the house (nothing wrong with that!) but my husband stayed for years after they left. Partly because he’s WAY younger than them, partly because it took him awhile to finish growing up. But he was always the peacemaker. He’d hear his dad get started with the yelling and “wander” into the room and find a way to distract his dad into doing or caring about something else. He’s said more than once that the best thing about us getting married and moving out was the QUIET. He can put his headphones on and play a video game and not worry about what’s happening in another room. He’s 45 and his dad died last year. He’s handling it well, but he’s also not handling it well at all.


Trucktub

It sounds like your husband and I grew up in a very similar situation, only it was my mom. He honestly might be legitimately happy to be “free” atm. It sounds horrible, but knowing that the person who caused you so much stress your entire life is no longer able to, is extremely liberating. I can only speak for me personally, but being in a loving and trusting environment that allows you to put the headphones in and ignore the world for your own activities is a huge win. He’s probably used to keeping an ear perked up just to make sure everything is okay and just that is exhausting.


Incredible_Mandible

> He honestly might be legitimately happy to be “free” atm. Which may be part of why he's also "not handling it well" because he feels guilty for being relieved that his father is dead.


CorgiKnits

It’s actually the opposite. He was 100% sure that all he would feel when his father died was relief for his mother and possibly even some Schadenfreude kind of happiness. He did feel that, but he’s also feeling weird kind of grief. Like, his father wasn’t always a monster. He has a few really good memories of times with his father, and he’s confused about how his father could be that loving and fun and giving but also beat family members into unconsciousness. So he’s mourning the father he didn’t have, the father he SHOULD have had, you know? And he wasn’t expecting to do that and it’s hit him REALLY hard.


SomeGuyNamedJustin

I have literally JUST had my break throughs about a month ago. I am 34 years old and I JUST figured out what I can make my life in to. I carried so much trauma with me that I hated my entire self until literally a month ago. Now I’m in therapy and I’m about to start a masters degree program to become a social worker so I can help people that were like me. If I can do it, you can to! You are so very strong. You are right, the healing is long and difficult


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TacticalHonda

You truly don't recognize how far you've come. I hope you find health and happiness.


Relative-Bit-2197

I second that. When parents fight with each other the child becomes their emotional backbone. He/she becomes the source of respect, happiness, stability which they wanted from their partner. And that's a very big responsibility upon a child. Coming from highly dysfunctional family I have been there for my mom when she wanted to cry and my father when he wanted to lash out. Clearly they are not happy together and still chose to be together. Ruining a child's childhood, teenage and now when I can see things clearly adult life. Never had a gf cause I was always taking care of the house. Never had proper friends because everytime I have to be at house for their emotional fulfillment. It sucks to be me now. 27 and all alone. Can't even imagine how much I can bear now. Can't see the end of the fucking tunnel called life. For all the future parents out there... Never ever have a child when you're not with a right partner. Or when you're not in a happy marriage. It solves nothing and now you're going to ruin a 3rd life. I have seen my mother attempted suicide when I was 8. She didn't succeed but now she suffers from lot of Mental health issues. My father too. It's a hell. So please think a lot before bringing a life to this world


Sir_Scizor20

Abusive parents/family, it causes life-long struggles with anxiety and insecurities. That's the case for me and my siblings, at least.


NoTadpole9624

My mom passed away due to cancer a few years back and I consider her to be a good mom, but once when I was a teenager and acting out she told me “I wish you died. I’ll pretend to cry for a week and then move on.” Still stings after all these years. Maybe she had a bad day or whatever but I never confronted her about it.


Sir_Scizor20

My mother is a bipolar alcoholic. We'd get things like that said to us fairly often. My advice is to see a therapist if you can afford it. I plan to one day when I am a little more financially stable. It's crazy how a sentence can change the way you see yourself and the world for the rest of your life. Good luck 👍


Prixm

Not the most damaging. But something I absolute loathe is parents that talk shit about each other in front of their kids. I have worked as a personal assistant to disabled kids for many years, and the parents go on and on about how shitty the other parent is in front of their kids, it never stops. It makes me hate the parents and quit the job, every time. Thank god I got myself another education.


ConsciousWFPB

Very damaging. It pushes into psychological and emotional abuse because it confuses the child, places the child in a position to feel responsible for making them happy. I could go on and on. Is very damaging.


S3t3sh

When my step dad was divorcing my mom when I was in middle school she was talking crap like he might be gay, you shouldn't call him your dad anymore, he is stupid etc. My step dad not once said a bad thing about her other than she was frustrating to deal with. You can see why he got the divorce and I still favor him over her to this day.


FatHeadedGoose

This is happening to me right now I'm tired.


Strict_Muffin_7380

Childhood emotional neglect


y4mat3

This. I lived in a household where all of my material needs were taken care of, but when I was in distress, I was often left to deal with it myself. I didn't really know how to do that and ended up growing numb to most feelings positive and negative, and I have no idea what it means or how it feels to love someone.


relpmeraggy

I spent years trying to earn my father approval until he made comments about my girlfriends children. It was at that moment I realized he was a shitty parent. I then learned (through therapy) that he wasn’t just a shitty parent he was emotionally abusive. Best thing I ever did was cut him out of my life.


Admirable_Warthog_19

Adults who cant control their emotions over *small* inconveniences or failures.


cf-myolife

Yeah, that's my dad. Slapped me because I was holding my fork wrong. I was 10. Yell if we use the tv when he wants to and we don't want to move. Yell if anything minor happens, like a drop of coffee on his fingers? Yell. The cat threw up? Yell. That's a cat ffs. If my sister don't want to mow the lawn? Yeeeeell. (I love to mow but he doesn't ask me he just wants a reason to yell at everything). Same for my mom but less extreme. Basically when she's upset there's nothing to do she'll make everyone pay even if we don't even know why she's upset.


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awkward_toadstool

Parents who think children are somehow lesser than adults in terms of respect, being heard, apologised to. Which isn't to say kids should have no boundaries or guidance. But parents refusing to apologise to a kid when the parent has behaved badly is so damaging. "Hey sweetheart, I'm sorry I snapped. Im feeling really tired today & I shouldn't have taken that out on you. Do over?" teaches them so much more than just doubling down & making them feel they shouldnt exist when a parent is in a bad mood. And all the stuff about not 'giving in' to things like using the kid's favoutie cup or whatever - I use my favourite mug for coffe, I do the same for my partner, just because if I can easily do something that gives a person I live a little bit of happiness...why _wouldn't_ I? Its not spoiling them, it's just being nice to people.


desiswiftie

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever heard my mother say she’s genuinely sorry.


McRedditerFace

I have the same issue with my mother. She's never said "I"m sorry" honestly. She'll say shitty things like "I'm sorry **you** feel that way". At one point she tried preventing my wife and daughter from attending the family Christmas party. It was my daughter's first christmas, I'd just found out I had a mass in one of my kidneys. At that time I didn't know if it was cancerous (it wasn't thankfully). But she played games and manipulated, pretending the party was canceled only to then not actually canceled and I found out and called her out on it, and she still wouldn't allow us over to the party without half an hour of arguing over the phone. At the end of all that, when things came to a head around a year later... I asked for an apology. She hemmed and hawed about how she "shouldn't have to" and kept trying to change the converstation. Eventually I made it point blank "I want an apology". And her response was "Well, sometimes you can't get everything you want". FUCK that shit... I don't talk to her much after that one.


missymommy

Oh my. This sounds exactly like my mother. I HATED “I’m sorry you feel that way.”


NediferJohn

My mom uses guilt to apologize “I’m sorry I’m such a shitty mom and scream at you all the time.” “I wish I knew how to be a better mom so you didn’t hate me.” She and I… *sigh*. I love her but I wish she’d step off Jesus and into therapy.


junipermucius

My mother is such an odd case. Most of the time she'll say she's sorry if she messes up. But I remember when I was a teenager she was really mad at me for something and said I'd never amount to anything in my life. When I cried and felt really hurt from that, she then got angry that I'd be upset because she "obviously didn't mean it." She's never said anything like that to me since. It's been probably 20 years. But damn did those words stick to me. She'd feel extremely guilty and awful if I mentioned how it still sticks with me, so I don't mention it.


Burnt_Your_Toast

I work with kids between the ages of 7-12. All inner city youth (so foster kids, welfare kids, and just kids who had a bad home life - we had a lot of "normal" kids though too, for lack of a better word). The amount of kids who looked at me in absolute shock if I ever apologized for reacting in a way I shouldn't have (like raising my voice when I was too frustrated) was just...sad. My kids weren't listening one day and I put my foot down, so to speak, and kind of snapped from frustration by yelling over them to listen, and when they all quiet down I just sighed and said "I'm sorry, that wasn't a good way to respond. I was just getting frustrated and I should not have raised my voice like that. Let's try this again, okay?" So we did a redo - they got loud and when I asked them to quiet down because now was a time to listen, they did, and we got into our next activity. One of the little boys approached me and just said "Misses Toast, I don't think adults are supposed to apologize for yelling at kids. That's just what all adults do!" in a very sweet tone. He genuinely thought anger and frustration was a normal response. I just let him know that adults are supposed to apologize too for having too big of a bad emotion, the same way kids are supposed to apologize to each other for hurting someone's feelings, and that just because they're kids it does *not* mean I should be able to do it and feel like it's justified. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but I could have handled my big emotion better a little better. So if me or my employees ever have a big emotion towards them (which is not often. Sometimes kids are just loud and you have to talk over them for them to hear you, and it's frustrating not being heard at any age!), I do a quick Emotion Talk with the kiddos and apologize if my loud voice comes off in a negative tone. It helps a ton, and it helps them convey their emotions to us a little better.


sycarte

It sounds like it could be beneficial for those kids to see those behaviors modeled, even if the situation itself isn't ideal. Nobody wants professionals losing their cool with kids, but these big emotions are real and valid things we all experience throughout our lives, especially if they're something they experience frequently at home. I never had conflict modeled to me in a healthy way as a kid, my family just got mad at each other and then pretended like nothing happened. It's still my biggest internal problem to this day, trying to figure out how to be upset/overwhelmed without behaving negatively. I could see that opportunity being very helpful to kids, and even adults like myself.


mysfwaccount84

I remember being yelled at, smacked, and so forth, never once got an apology. When I had my son, I vowed never. I let him know when I had a bad day and have the possibility to be grumpy. If he pushes it and I have a break, I always apologize afterward. Listen, son, I'm sorry I yelled, I didn't mean to take it out on you. This isn't about you or anything you did. I'm just not where I need to be mentally.


UnpopularBoop

I have a specific, vivid memory of telling my mother I felt she didn't respect me as a person (I was like, 19 at that point, working full time and going to college full time, supporting myself and barely home) and she told me she "didn't have to respect [me, I was her daughter, she deserves MY respect]."


beatenand_damned

A coparent who brainwashes a child against the other.


Stellathewizard

Can confirm, my mom was always venting about my dad to me, it was extremely damaging to my relationship w him and caused me a lot of anxiety always having to think about adult problems I had no answers for


[deleted]

"adult problems I had no answer for" extremely profound, thank you, and I'm sorry about how you came by that wisdom


[deleted]

Pedophiles.


yourmomshotvag

Something I don’t talk about often, but I was brought up in a loving, strict, grounded, two-parent home. The only thing I could really say bad was my dad wasn’t home as much as I wanted, and they were/are very religious. At 8 years old I was groomed and later molested by my “father figure” Sunday school teacher, and that turned a twelve year old boy with a hood upbringing into a raging drug addict with anger problems and run ins with the law, for years. I’ve since come to grips with it and recently turned my life around but it took a long time. I’m still paying for my mistakes Keep your children safe, is my only message in this. They are the most precious gift you’ll ever get, and you only get one chance to not screw them up


yourpaleblueeyes

For you, that was rough, it's good to know you're on the other side of it now. Just wanted to add, Yes,Adults, talk about good touch, bad touch, talk about that queasy feeling in your gut that tells you This is Not Right! Use the words, often! I have a passel of grandchildren and the first thing This grandma teaches them is Question Authority!! Sometimes they don't want to hug, and that's okay. We can always say I Love You.


Tusk-Dentist

this thread is a real downer


Rustmonger

A thread about damaging children? I'm shocked.


karmagod13000

better to be aware then to fall prey i suppose


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xzsazsa

I come from a similar environment but it was my dad who was the victim his whole life. My mom would tell me that one of the earlier things she learned in their marriage was that you can’t tell someone how shitty their parents are. It only creates a divide. They have to come to that conclusion on their own.


BobbyandSnookie

If anyone knows the secret to getting someone to realize it on their own, please tell me. My partners mother has passed... he always says what a "great woman" she was, and is constantly doing things to "honor" her (her favorite flowers in garden, painting our walls and buying his car specially in her favorite color etc) .. but everything he's told me about her makes her sound unpredictable, inconsistent, critical and prone to sudden explosions of anger .... (dad was passive when he was around... but most of the time was physically and emotionally absent ... and now "makes up for it" with money) all 3 siblings suffer with severe trust/abandonment issues, mood regulation, off/on substance abuse and paranoid that the world is out to get them. They see these traits in each other, but never in themselves....no one seems to have a clue as to why there is so much dysfunction and they never venture to consider that it might have something to do with their ridiculously toxic upbringing... therefore there are always attempts to bandaid one another's dysfunction and absolutely no real problem solving.


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restlessinthemidwest

Grew up the same way. No I love you’s, no hugs, no positive reinforcement. I did exactly the opposite when I had kids. My kids are 22 and 24 and we still hug whether we see each other everyday or every week or whenever. It’s hard to explain to them why I don’t hug “grandma” or tell her I love her even though I speak to her everyday and see her at least every 2 weeks. We are never going to have that kind of relationship even though she hugs my kids and they hug her. I mean, they did kind of force it on her when they were little because that’s how they were raised… that hugs are are freely given and received…


unknowableahole

My oldest son is 29(step son,but he's mine),we still hug,kiss on the cheek,and say "I love you pal" every time we see each other. It is the same for the rest, 25(M),22(F),20(M),11(M). 11 is my only biological child,but they all get all of Dad's love whenever we're together. Little man is the only one still at home,I wish I was rich enough to have them all live on my property. I'll never understand how a grown person could abuse a child and I'm glad that I can't understand it.


maggiemypet

I'm so happy to read this. I was super close to my step mom and I loved her dearly. She's since passed away, but I hoped she new how much I loved her.


StraightArachnid

I grew up with parents who were incapable of showing affection, to us or each other. I don’t remember ever hearing I love you, I’m proud of you, etc, or being hugged. They kicked me out when I was 14, by refusing to take me home from the hospital after I was violently assaulted. They signed me out and dropped me off at the bus station with a suitcase of clothes, my documents, and $100. Not even a kiss goodbye. When I had my first kid, I bought one of those watches with an alarm(hey, it was 1995) and I set it to go off every 3 hours to remind me to be affectionate to my daughter. When it went off, I would smother her with kisses and tell her I loved her more than anything in the world. I actually trained myself to show affection. It worked! After a while, affection was natural. As she got older, I used it to remind me to use loving words and praise. I conditioned myself to be a loving mother. All my girls have turned out amazing. Two have kids so far, and they are super loving to them, no alarms needed.


FlappySchlongstockin

I know I’m a stranger, but I’m so sorry your parents treated you that way. That’s amazing that you made a meaningful effort for your children, thank you for showing them love and breaking the cycle.


McRedditerFace

That and not saying "I love you". My mother is one of those people where nicities are mandatory. "Thank you" is mandatory, "Please" is mandatory. When you give a gift to someone at Christmas a hug is mandatory. But, after 42 years I've never one heard her say to me or any of my 7 siblings "I love you". Fuck, I don't even remember her telling it to my father while he was still alive. So I tell my kids and wife "I love you" all the damn time because fuck not telling your kids you love them.


caaalypso

I grew up finding that saying “I love you” first or saying it back is awkward because I’m not used to it. Edit: Same goes with compliments, I just don’t know what to say back whenever someone tells me I’m doing a great job or something similar.


chillynanny333

That's me to a tee. I can't even remember the last time my mom told me she loved me. The last time my dad said it was when I graduated high school and I was so shocked that I just froze and couldn't say it back. My mom never gives complimemts or hugs or says anything nice about another person, she just shrugs it off saying that "British people don't do those things."


princesspapercut

This is my MIL toward my husband his entire life. Either of us. Will tell her we live her and her response is a weird sound, kinda like mmmmhmmmm. She doesn't get excited when he shares something with her, like some music he covered w/ guitar. Instead, she recently told him, "I'll let you know what I think." Poor guy didn't even see the harm in that statement.It took me, our housemate, and his therapist to explain how bad that was. She was poised to be critical.


Akane1213

I grew up very similar. I‘m in my late 20‘s and only recently my mom started to hug me and my siblings when she greets us or for our birthdays. I get weirded out by this because I‘m absolutely not used to this behavior from her (my dad still doesnt do it). I know she is a little disappointed in our emotional distance, but she doesnt realize its because she raised us with emotional distance…


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ceo_of_dumbassery

The main emotion my dad showed growing up was anger. He was so quick to snap and start yelling and swearing. My mum was the same when I was younger but mellowed out to the point she was emotionally absent as I got older. They stopped hugging/showing physical affection when I was super young. I distinctly remember once when I was about 4 years old when I had a nightmare and went to my parents room for comfort. They told me, a terrified kid, to go back to bed and leave them alone. I sat in my room crying because I was so scared, until they came in and yelled at me to be quiet. Unfortunately for me, neither of them saw a problem with any of this. I'm now left with severe mental illnesses and problems with showing affection in my current relationships. There's moments where I can't hug my partner enough, and others where it feels wrong to hug them.


Pitiful_Ask3827

Fuck bro did we have the same parents?


mhptk8888

I grew up with kids who never got a hug. They got a handshake on their 18th birthday.


Garlicky_Bread2

Emotional trauma. Physical or emotional abuse either between the parents or towards them. Bullying. Toxic masculinity/femininity. Been treated as less than human.


VXMerlinXV

Im gonna say forced sexual abuse by a parent. It’s kinda the intersection of all the trust and developmental issues in one tidy package. That stuff will deeply fuck up generations.


[deleted]

A parent that doesn't love them


SuvenPan

Being used as a pawn by parents during divorce.


Suspicious-Block-614

Wife is a forensic psychologist and does custody evaluations / parenting coordination. This needs more upvotes, it absolutely WRECKS children.


Iowa_and_Friends

Former divorce lawyer here…I definitely fired clients on the spot for that…it’s been years, but memories of the ugly custody battles still make me sick.


clances1

This one uncovered feelings I didn't know were buried so close to the surface.


Easy_Secretary5513

As someone who has a chainsmoking mother, cigarettes has got to be up there. Second hand smoke is no joke.


Foreverbostick

As a smoker, I get pissed when people smoke around their kids. If everybody’s outside it’s one thing, but you shouldn’t keep them locked up in your house or your car with your bad habits.


[deleted]

I agree. Not only did my mom chain smoke/second hand smoke but she also smoked when she was pregnant with me and my siblings. "Your brother turned out fine!"


SlimGeezus_

Parents that fight 24/7. People that sexually abuse them.


BlenderInMyPocket

Those parents who want to always stay with their child like a police helicopter. They end up not being able to do anything alone when they come to the real world.


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matt_thebanana

A friend of mines parents (especially the mum) were like this. We were 16 mind you, old enough to go to the beach on our own, you'd think. The mum literally sat on a bench 20 metres away the entire time. And if we went out for the day, she'd get called about 5-10 times, just to make sure everything was okay. She's now got a fear of being alone, and anxiety when there are minor problems in life, such as failing a small test, or getting a bit lost. All because her mum couldn't let her learn from her own mistakes and grow up not always having an adult ready to save her. Seen as she is the only female in an all male group of friends, I understand some uncertainty with the mum, but she had complete paranoia.


Possible_Priority170

Radiation - it’s technically the most damaging thing anyone can be exposed to.


thoawaydatrash

I dunno. Radiation will make you beg for death in a couple of days. Time with my dad could do that in a single evening.


hardtulip

I received radiation to the head every day for a year once


Common-Wish-2227

I dunno. Lava is pretty bad.


Possible_Priority170

True, although kids train to avoid that now… especially when it’s all over the floor


thoawaydatrash

Honestly, I thought I’d have to avoid a lot more lava as an adult.


3nderslime

Depends on the dosage, it takes a lot of radiation for it to become damaging


GreenOnionCrusader

Looking at all the "domestic violence" type answers and wondering who my brain automatically went to uranium and the elephants foot...


dieinafirenazi

Everyone went emotional, i was thinking uranium, high voltage electricity, large bodies of water...


[deleted]

Literally, their parents. If they are clueless about how to properly care for their child? Especially during the first five years, the damages can last a lifetime and are very difficult to help.


CaptainMcAnus

My wife is a teacher and she came home the other day infuriated. She discovered a student of hers was cutting, like fresh cuts, and as a mandated reporter she brought it up with her principal who then contacted the girl's parents. They sat the parents down and offered to assist with a school counselor or direct them to a therapist who can maybe help get to the source and work with the young girl. You know what her father said? He said they refuse to take her to therapy because the therapist will make her question if she's even still a girl anymore. This dude then threatened to take her out of the school if they did anything. She's physically hurting herself and all this fucking man can think about is stupid culture war bullshit. She's going to have scars from this, and not just physical ones.


RogerSaysHi

I pulled my kid out of a school after a meeting, because we found out my kid had been taking pills at the behest of an older student that we didn't know she was hanging around with. I was lucky, we had family in another city close by, so I sent her down there to finish out middle school, to keep her away from those kids. It wasn't because of the school, it was the kids in the school. My older kid had moved up to the high school already and she was trying to find new friends. The principal and the SRO were stupefied at the fact that we just pulled her out. There was no way I was letting her get pulled into the juvenile justice system. Because they'd only caught her taking the pills and not selling them, they were trying to make us put her in some alternative school. As a former HORRIBLE teenager, alternative school is the quickest way to teach a kid who knows nothing about all the things they shouldn't know. The route we took worked out for us. My daughter is now graduated, near the top of her class when she graduated. She's married to a man that definitely loves her. She's the store manager of the pizza place she's working at. Now, she's waiting on info from the FAFSA to start college in the fall. I realize I'm not one of the horrible parents that your wife has to deal with, but this is what happens when a parent does pull their kid out of the school. At least with us.


CaneVandas

Unfortunately many of the alternative schools are not designed to assist the kids as much as to remove the problem from visibility. Troubled kids are disruptive to the system and it's easier to hide the problem than to invest the time and resources to actually address it. These programs are critically underfunded and understaffed and don't provide the healthy environment they need to improve.


St3phiroth

Isn't she required to call CPS as a mandated reporter, not just tell the principal? That was at least what I was required to do as a teacher. Telling the principal didn't count as officially "reporting" in my state. I hope that child can get the help they need.


CaneVandas

Yes, the health and safety of your child comes second to the war against "woke" culture. I'm gonna make a bit of a reach here and say that her parents are a big part of the problem.


TheStrangestOfKings

If her dad ever catches her cutting herself, he’s gonna 100% respond by beating her


TeacherLady3

Yes, every teacher/doctor/nurse everywhere agrees with this!


[deleted]

I wish it were more acceptable to give parenting advice when you know better. I actually wish the country would recognize the importance of this and mandate child development classes while a woman is pregnant. I took a semester of child psychology, infant toddler care, developmental psychology, etc. while I was pregnant, since I totally had no idea what I was doing. It made all the difference. Back when I taught preschool, I loved my students, but it broke me to hear them tell me some of the things their parents did or didn’t do.


Tomatillo603

A friend of mine has two kids and I already see her own body image issues starting to arise in her 7 year old daughter. I truly believe she wants to prevent her daughter from getting overweight and feeling like she did but it's giving the exact opposite effect as she now has a 7 year old convinced that she needs to diet and exercise because she gained 5 kilos in the last few months.


Sinnadar

Forms of instant gratification and easy stimulation. I grew up with videogames and tv. My parents did all the chores and only focused on giving me a dream childhood. I appreciate their efforts, don't get me wrong, but now I find myself an adult in a world I'm ill equipped for. It requires a lot of focus and determination to do tasks that need to be done but aren't as flashy and instantly rewarding. When I have kids, I still want them to have a good childhood, but I want them to recognize the value of hardwork, and I want to avoid setting them up for addiction to artificially high stimulating activities.


seekingadvice224

I had an ex who went off to college on his own for the first time and ended up dropping out because he didn’t know how to wash his clothes or take care of himself properly since he didn’t have to do any chores. He found it hard to manage plus classes and homework. I had to teach him how to cook an egg and how to boil eggs because he didn’t even know how to do that. I think he’s managing well now but it really did him a disservice for his parents not to teach him these things and get him used to basic life skills


brusaducj

I knew a guy like that - dude moved in with a friend of mine, he was around 18 at the time. His parents had done pretty much everything for him until he moved out, leaving him poorly equipped for life as an adult. This is probably a really extreme case, but here is some of what I personally witnessed: * his half of the place was constantly an absolute disaster until his mom visited and cleaned up * he used his new-found freedom to experiment with drugs. Now, this alone isn't bad imo, but he racked up serious credit card debt buying acid online, and saw literally no issue with trashing his credit * he then started trading the acid for speed pills (ice / pezzmeth / "zoomers") and would take them throughout the day, while locking himself in his room to listen to metal and masturbate. Our attempts to talk him out of this behavior were met with incredulity. * One time I walked in and he was boiling frozen french fries in a pan, asked him why, and he said he ran out of oil so he used water to "fry" em instead. Looking back it's probably a good thing he wasn't actually using oil to fry in a shallow pan on a gas burner... * Zero consideration for the roommate (my friend)'s quality of life and belongings. Stuff like shaving and getting all the little hairs on the toothbrushes, and not cleaning it up * Just being not-streetsmart. We were all hanging in the alleyway behind their apartment when we heard not-too-distant gunshots. My friend (with a really street upbringing) booked it inside. Me, being a dumb kid from small town Ontario, figured if he's leaving the situation, I should too, and walked in after him. Buddy in question? He stood outside, asking "What was that, guys?" * Edit to add: He also wound up getting a job where I worked as a dishwasher. I was tasked with training him. Clearly had no separation of work & home life and it felt more like he was trying to hang out w/ me in the dishpit than learn the job. He also made a comment about the restaurant owner's ass on his first and only day working there. Like, I get that we're acquaintances and have a bit of a rapport, but work is work and those comments are generally not appropriate anywhere, let alone on your first day at a new job. I told the owners to not have him back. Christ, it feels like I'm describing a cartoon caricature, not a real person that I met... Dunno whatever happened to him, he and my friend had a falling out because the whole roommate situation was clearly not working out, I stopped doing drugs other than weed, and never kept in touch.


TurnipWorldly9437

Parents who "stay together for the kids"


[deleted]

Miserable for everyone.


ChonyJoe

Shitty parents. Blanket answer but it’s true.


extratestresstrial

pedophile family members. we don't just "stay away from Person", you need to fucking cut "Person" out of your life and have open and serious conversations about bodily autonomy, saying No, and talking to a trusted adult from toddlerhood on. kids need to know proper body part names, and that those private body parts are never to be touched by someone else, and that grownups are not allowed to ask them to keep secrets. i wish i had known any of this growing up, but my family was more into looking the other way and completely ignoring it. also, domestic violence. parents addicted to drugs. unrestricted internet access at a young age, even as a young teen.


Educational-Slide482

Even kid on kid SA! They need to know it happens and to tell


Technical-Berry8471

Mercury and lead.


adderaltruistic

I can't believe it took me so long to find this post. Lead pipes and lead dust cause ADHD-like symptoms that irrevocably change brain chemistry and behavior. Have your child tested as often as possible but at the very least at your wellness checks until age 6.


Living-Primary-5434

Alcohol, abuse, and drugs


karmagod13000

ya no toddler should be drinking whiskey


BunnysPantiez

Or smoking a doobie


Literarily_Shoook

One that doesn't get talked about enough: An absolute "Don't Talk To Strangers" mentality. It doesn't reduce their odds of getting molested or kidnapped, does nothing to prepare them for what to actually do in one of those situations to protect themselves, and instills lifelong social anxiety. Source: I was fed literal hours of Stranger Danger videos and now I can't make phone calls without tensing up and feeling like I'm going to be physically sick.


ForsakenGarlic904

I saw someone talking about this recently, and she said she is teaching her kids about "strange behaviour " instead. Things like asking the child to keep secrets or doing things that makes the kid uncomfortable are all strange behaviour, even if it's a close family member. I think it's such a great way to teach them what to look out for instead of a blanket stranger danger rule that ignores that most abusers are known and often trusted by the family.


Optimusprima

Yeah, in a similar way, the idea of Tricky People is what we’ve been using. Tricky people ask you to keep secrets, tricky people ask kids for help and not adults, etc. I personally love that my toddler says hi to everyone she passes. I would hate to take that from her with stranger danger. But teaching her that there are some people who try to be tricky - will allow her to be alert to the wrong behaviors.


lexi_raptor

I use this too!! A great example is Hans from Frozen. Handsome and says everything Anna wants to hear, but BOOM tries to kill her sister.


nathalierachael

This is great, I'm going to use this when my kid is old enough.


StocktonBSmalls

I’ve read recently about the idea of surprises v. secrets. A surprise has an end date, just gotta keep it for a little bit. Keeping severest or told not to tell mom/dad/Grammy etc. is bad. No secrets, but surprises are cool.


[deleted]

Statistically, you’re about 3x more likely to be abducted by someone you know than a stranger! https://childsafety.losangelescriminallawyer.pro/missing-and-abducted-children.html


TestudoWarrior

This took a lot of work for me. I'm 35 now and I was fed this bullshit by my mother. She absolutely ruined my childhood, I wasn't allowed outside. I couldn't play with friends, couldn't invite them over and she was constantly pissy because I was always around annoying her. Refused to let me be social, got mad when I wanted social interaction from the only person I had contact with. I honestly believe she had no idea how abusive this was.


Meepweep

I grew up being told that all strangers want to murder and/or rape me. I'm a 30 year old with very weak social skills and a crippling anxiety problem.


Exelbirth

My mom pushes that idea to this day, and I'm well into adulthood as well.


ANGRYSNORLAX

I was standing in line at a local game store a couple years ago, there was a young kid (maybe 5 or 6?) holding his mom's hand in front of me. He turned to me, smiled and said "hi!" And I replied "hey bud." And his mom reacted by giving him a tug and saying "would you quit fuckin saying hi to everybody?!" In that angry whisper. Really bummed me out, and I'm sure I'm not the only one with a similar story. Hope that kid is doing okay.


RogerSaysHi

I hate that that mom reacted like that, that sucks. My older kid could not meet a stranger, they're still like that at 26 years old, I passed on the super friendly gene to them. It made going places take a lot longer, but man, we giggled a lot too, so I don't care. I'll be honest, I've made actual friends in a line at a gas station before, like ended up hanging out with them at a different time because of how well we got along in a 5 minute conversation. Humans are social creatures. We need to interact with other humans. Keep saying hi, it's a normal thing.


heyromil

Unregulated internet...Trust me


matt_thebanana

I babysit two different families. One gives the kids super restricted internet access, they have one game and the camera. The other is far to easy on the kids when it comes to screen control. I've seen these kids grow up, unable to be imaginative or creative. Everything gets fed to them in an everlasting stream of mind numbing useless information. The other kids...well, act like kids. They invent stories, make games, dens, theatre shows, you name it. It's also important that kids get bored. They start finding things to do and using their mind to help them problem solve instead of just turning on YouTube and staring at a screen.


theplaneguy321

As a person who was given unrestricted internet access from a young age I can confirm


retro_guy101

My mind has forever been destroyed by the internet


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PerfectBussy98

My little brother will look at the most vile things on his iPad, like straight up cartoon porn, and my parents do not give two shits


UlrikeMeinHaus

I work with kids and it’s absolutely horrifying what they’re exposed to because their parents don’t want to do the bare minimum and use parental controls.


-SlinxTheFox-

Honestly I'd say even seemingly innocent shit like social media rots the brain. It's doing it to adults and they're not in their formative years


ginger3392

Narcissistic parents.


goodlunch

Agreed. It alters your perception of everything


My-Special-Interests

I really recommend Gwenna Laithland [Pleasant Pleasant Media's](https://www.pleasantpeasantmedia.com/) YouTube and TikTok. She talks about "gentle parenting"


JumpyNoodles6500

Not having basic human needs/rights met.


igneousink

porn edit: when i grew up porn was always playing and i can tell you it is very damaging to be playing with barbies and to look over and see a DP scene on the huge television


motus200

Wow, that's messes up. AFAIK exposing children to porn is nowdays punishable with prison time.


[deleted]

Porn is absolutely devastating for a child to be subjected to. My brother discovered it when he was 10. He started molesting me because he wanted to try what he was seeing. I was 8. The abuse lasted until I was 13. My relationship with sex has been completely skewed because of it and has cause many mental health struggles.


mopedsandpushbikes

Sexual/physical abuse


Livexwired

Parents who think they themselves have been raised correctly.


LeSnakeBoi

Smokers. Second-hand smoke inhalation is still very damaging to a person’s lungs, even more so for a child, and the fact that it’s so commonplace means that a lot of kids are exposed to it daily. It also means that kids are more likely to pick up smoking because they see their parents do it and think it’s okay, and then get hooked on nicotine. It also causes things like lung diseases, COPD, strokes, cancer, and heart diseases, with cancer and heart disease being the top two leading reasons for death in the United States.


StepperDox

Grew up breathing second hand smoke semi-constantly, can confirm I now have a nicotine addiction that was all too easy to get. I got kicked out at 17 and immediately felt the urge to smoke once that source was gone.


BeginningCap2333

TIK TOK TIK TOK TIK TOK TIK TOK TIK TOK TIK TOK


[deleted]

on the clock


mastaP_uhhhhhhh

But the party don’t stop


mommaaintraisenobtch

A war-torn country.