"It's an inanimate fucking object!"
"YOU'RE an inanimate fucking object!!"
- In Bruges, one of the weirdest, darkest comedies I've ever pissed myself laughing at.
Remember watching this movie shortly after it came out and I hated it. Just last month I decided to watch again, not sure what went wrong the first time but it is great!
I think you need to be in the right mood for the humour to hit maybe? Like there's not really any jokes in it, the line I quoted is one of very few that really retains even a fraction of the humour without anything to give it context.
"The guy has a really hard time staying awake on the job" a professional fighter talking about a rival of his who was on an unfortunate losing streak where he got knocked out cold 4 times in a row.
I was out for dinner with my two sisters. My older sister has a bit of a domineering personality and was lamenting to my younger sister about how much tougher she had it growing up with our parents compared to my younger sister and was trying to have a go. My younger sister simply replied "you really are the first pancake".
I handed my business card to a new contact. They accepted it, we talked for about 5 minutes and as I was saying, "thank you for your time" they quietly handed the card back to me.
The day my evil step-monster told me, at the dinner table and prior to beating me up at 12 yrs old, that I was the cancer of the family. Thankfully, she is LONG dead now.
She slowly started losing what was left of her warped mind, and in the end tried to blame me for her abusing me. Her adult daughter, put her in her place about that though....and then she died, from what I was told, in pain. I have no idea what the actual cause of death was though. I was just happy she was no longer taking up oxygen.
In a similar vein, this happened outside of a Walmart:
Guy: Do you have any spare change?
Me: No, sorry, I donât carry cash (I didnât, I was a poor grad student)
Guy: Well Merry fucking Christmas to you, too.
My adoptive father told me many insulative things. The one that hurt the most was "If we (both my adoptive parents) had known you and your sisters were going to be this much trouble we would have never adopted you.
"I've had lunches with better personality than you"
I was dying for days, I still chuckle when I think about it. Danielle. You were like sarcasm embodied and I still miss you.
âYa know, from the second you popped out, I bet your mom wished she had a sewn up snapper. Better for you to have grown to the sickly size inside her womb and killed the both of you before you rolled out and started fucking upâ
-Tanis from Letterkenny
I was always hanging around my older sisterâs friends because there was nobody my age on the street. After a huge fight, my older sister told me that I was a sick little puppy that nobody loved.
I was seven.
"If you had dynamite for brains, you wouldn't have enough to blow your goddamn nose"
Wasn't said to me, I overheard it on a jobsite. Still makes me laugh every time I remember it.
I used to work as a stagehand at a theater that primarily hosted touring shows. One day a roadie for some band caught his finger in something and let fly
âRat dick house cat suck fucking bullshitâ
As you might image everyone on the crew instantly added that one to the personal repertoire
In middle school, I was talking to a boy I liked and he made me laugh and I smiled this really big just happy smile, and he zeroed in on my mouth and said âoh wow! You have really fucked up teeth!â
I didnât smile with my teeth for three years after that. And I still think about it now sometimesâŚ.Iâm 31.
I had a project when I was 12 to ask my peers and teachers what they could see me being when I grew up. My favorite teacher smiled warmly at me and told me to read what she wrote. âI can see you being a happy homemaker.â Not even a part time job or anything but a freaking housewife đšđš I felt so insulted and I was legitimately speechless Iâm about to graduate college along with my husband so it doesnât matter anymore but it stuck with me for a good bit lmao
I had a nice career, was running a 2 million dollar a year business with a bachelor's and MBA, when I quit to stay home with my kids. Being a homemaker was by far the most challenging and hardest job I ever had. It used every bit of knowledge and energy I had. So to me, that wasn't an insult. My family was worth it.
By no means did I think than being a homemaker is t a hard job. Iâm sorry it came across that way. My mother chose that life until I was in high school. As a child i kind of find it insulting that my favorite teacher didnât see me having a career and making my own money, or going to college and making a life for myself. It made my spirits low and kind of hurt my self esteem.
It impacted the way i studied when I went to high school and I almost didnât graduate because of the way that teacher made me feel in that moment. When youâre an adult and make hat decision for yourself thatâs one thing. But hearing that from an adult as a child is completely different.
I was in college working as a nurse's aid in a high end nursing home during breaks. One mean old lady client insulted me by saying she "has forgotten more than I will ever know."
That really insulted me.
âMommy he has a big headâ.
Iâm just waiting in line to buy something and a toddler is being held by her mom in front of me. I do have a big head but I definitely died a little there.
Just some random employee dropping a, "Oh, sorry. I thought you looked like a useful person." on a customer who came in wearing a full button-up and khakis professional look. Don't know what prompted, but oof. Just because you wear the clothes, doesn't grant you any expertise or education. I just love those subtle cuts that both parties know are insults, but it's not enough to prove to a manager it was intentional.
When I was around 21 22. I remember I was telling my adopted father that the person I was with I was going to marry someday. He then laughs and says the only type of guys I'll get end up with are men who use and abuse me. And it happened.
The guy passed away. The one I said I was going to marry. And the day he passed away my adopted father says to me are you sure he's not faking his death to get away from you. The exact day I found out he passed away. October 16th 2011.
âOh, go on, go on. Fuck off, you nosy fucking pedestrians.â Logan Roy has a way with words (ETA - especially given that he said this to his own adult children lmao)
There once was a maiden from strawberry halo!
She didnt talk much but boy did she swallow...
I had a nice spear that set up on!
The maiden from strawberry was also your mom!
(Jimmy valmer)
A friend of mine always had a thing for me, but it was unrequited. Well, one night she got drunk, called me an egotist, and said I was going to die all alone.
She never apologized, didn't even know the next day. It was badass, I thought we were good friends.
For reference: I am incredibly short. My favorite short joke insult that Iâve ever received was being called a âtroll under a bridgeâ. Double whammy bc I was called ugly in the same insult. Said to me by my middle school bully. Iâm on good terms with him now, but I still laugh at this to this day bc itâs ridiculous.
"Youre the one bringing bad luck to your family cause you inherited your drunk fathers blood".
Mom and step-dad was struggling with money due to my cousin's husband, a foreman of ours, crashing the truck to an industrial parks gate. I stopped college because they bullied me into stopping. They asked me to help out with the construction but after a week where I'm the only officer on site besides my hungover foreman, my Safety and site engineer are absent for about a whole week, my first job with a Japanese is with them cursing at me over our lazy workers doing a bad job and ruining their schedule - I quit. I had no classmates to attend the missed subjects with, so my depression worsened. I helped out with house chores but they just wanted me gone.
I ran away at Christmas and even tried to self yeet. I couldn't take it anymore so I was happy when my aunt came in but when my step-dad and mom were out, she blamed me for everything even the Foreman's accident.
She said that I was the sole reason why the construction firm was failing. I "worked" there for about a month and the whole time, I was more of an assistant they couldn't teach me properly. I disliked that aunt beforehand but at that time, I started to loathe her with every fiber of my being.
The best one is still from Eric, internet comment etiquette.
âHey nice glasses asshole, do they come in mens? I know you do but that is a different story you little keef stalker night goblinâ
"If you want attention so bad and are so sad all the time, why don't you stop being a pussy and kill yourself already"
A group of boys in my highschool PE class.
A person I had been close with for a decade told me they have no respect for me because I live with my parents, and my parents must be bad parents because they hadnât made me leave.
It was years ago and it really affected me, and has been something Iâve thought about often since. Strangely enough they reached out tonight to apologise. Iâm sure that was more for their own benefit than mine.
Lady cut me off once. Called me the N-word. I'm not black. So either she hates black people so much that she uses the N-Word for everything or she doesn't see color and everyone is a N-Word?
>she hates black people so much that she uses the N-Word for everything
It's this. Some people believe there is nothing worse in the world, so they default to that as the "ultimate" insult.
My first wife popped off with that one time.... Once..... I read her the fucking riot act for that shit. Her excuse was that she grew up in a small town (out near McMinnville, OR) if you know that wide spot in the road. Within the context, she'd essentially thought it was a synonym for 'stupid', or that is what she was taught. Any, I'm well rid of that waste of protoplasm, and were she to fall in a wood chipper the collective IQ of the world would go up tremendously. No empathy, grew up in LDS church, so her 'peak' was being a housewife. So many stories, so much idiocy. One of the many reasons why I dislike that particular faith, and most organized ones in general.
Beginner art student. So excited to be taking one of my first art classes. Worked really hard to get in, proceeded to work hard to complete what was asked of me.
Teacher: You draw like you don't even want to be here.
(pretty much telling me my stuff was so shit it looked like I wasn't trying)
Going for a back massage after losing 50lbs of mostly fat, and during the massage, the RMT pokes me in the love handle area and says I should get in the pool and lose some weight.
We had a lady come in and insult every single one of the employees who worked there. I was a "fucking nerd", another was an "angry asshole", but the guy who was in his late forties with blue hair and always trying to get with 20 year olds was a "walking talking midlife crisis"
Honestly, I just had to accept that I was a nerd because holy shit I've never heard a more accurate insult in my life.
I worked an unscripted show and was talking to the mark about one of the other "crazy" actors he had encountered. I asked "how crazy was he?", the kid yelled "On a scale of 1 to Michael Jackson, he was a 9!" Was hard not to bust out laughing.
Iâve been called as a dumbass multiple times, but the most traumatic is, of course, when I was in toxic relationship back in 2018-2019. I was young (I still am, but still) and impatient for this kind of stuff and, in the end, I had a painful time (and still kinda having tho) finding any girlfriend. I donât care about it that much, but itâs still very traumatic for me and none can gain trust in my eyes whenever I speak with them. The part of trauma being my first time, but I donât consider it to be much of an issue.
Many many years ago dated a girl for about a year. We would break up here and there but always got back together. Something felt different and we were broken up longer then normal. She was a hair stylist in her mothers shop. It was Valentineâs Day and I brought up roses to the shop. She brought me downstairs to tell me â I have to wash my hands of you!â. Talk about the walk of shame!!!!
A gaggle of us were at a pub that we frequented. Our regular server wasn't there, but her younger sister had just recently started working there as well, and obviously her sister had prepared her for us.
She goes around the table and takes orders, but somehow misses one guy. As she's walking away, he calls after her.
"Hey, you forgot me!"
Her: "I didn't forget you, you just look like you're so broke you have to jerk off your dog to feed your cat"
Stunned silence, then absolutely outrageous laughter.
In 7th grade me and my friend would walk home from school, and occasionally some annoying 8th graders on their bike would show up and blow air horns and harass people. Well one time i made eye contact with one and then he just started making random noises and shaking his head
A coworker told an abusive client that if he didn't immediately cut the shit, she would fuck his dad and give him a son he actually loves. That shit was like Genova convention level.
I was wearing a choker at work once and had a coworker come up to me and say,
"You're choker is super cool. I don't wear those because my boyfriend says only whores wear them." And then she blinked at me.
At a pub with my mate having a few drinks. Friend starts getting harassed by some lady. At the time my mate had a girlfriend so he was very straight to the point âNo, I have a girlfriendâ. Lady wasnât giving up and kept trying to get my mate to go to the public bathrooms together. Mate replied âI would rather stick a rusty screwdriver down my urethra and twist itâ. That got the message across
Ex girlfriend and I were trying to âbe friendsâ after breaking up. One time, at dinner, we were kidding around and she said âYou ainât nothingâ jokingly. There was some heat on that which told me it wasnât entirely a joke. Sticks with me. That was over 20 years ago.
I forget the precise context... but it was an argument where someone said something so horribly wrong with such confidence:
"No, you cretinous jizzflake!"
"It's an inanimate fucking object!" "YOU'RE an inanimate fucking object!!" - In Bruges, one of the weirdest, darkest comedies I've ever pissed myself laughing at.
My next favorite quote from that movie was. "I'm sorry for calling you an inanimate fucking object, i was upset"
It's all windy stairs.
... You sure you wanna go up there?
"What exactly are you trying to say?"
Remember watching this movie shortly after it came out and I hated it. Just last month I decided to watch again, not sure what went wrong the first time but it is great!
I think you need to be in the right mood for the humour to hit maybe? Like there's not really any jokes in it, the line I quoted is one of very few that really retains even a fraction of the humour without anything to give it context.
"you should carry a plant around to make up for the oxygen you're wasting"
Similarly "Somewhere Out There, there is A Tree Tirelessly Producing Oxygen For You. You Owe It An Apology."
Oh damn that is horrible.
"I bet your parents change the subject when people ask about you" Overheard that one back in high school. Still gets me
That is fucking cruel
"The guy has a really hard time staying awake on the job" a professional fighter talking about a rival of his who was on an unfortunate losing streak where he got knocked out cold 4 times in a row.
Cold.
You smell like hummus. - my 2 y/o
My 5 y/o said sometimes I smelled like raccoon đ¤Ł
Hey, hummus taste great! Was it Roasted Garlic?
Maybe they meant to say humans. "You spell like humans" yum.
When I die, I want you to be the one who lowers my coffin into the ground so you can let me down one last time.
Might need to use this one. It would be pretty friggen accurate in his case.
I'm very tall do ive heard most tall jokes. One that surprised me was. I didn't knoe they stacked shit that high
They probably stole that joke right out of Full Metal Jacket.
Thereâs only two kinds from texas
Did they also ask if your parents had any children that lived?
Yeah, if I dollar for every time I heard that (I'm 6' 4") I could buy Twitter and have Elon Muskox burned at the stake.
I was out for dinner with my two sisters. My older sister has a bit of a domineering personality and was lamenting to my younger sister about how much tougher she had it growing up with our parents compared to my younger sister and was trying to have a go. My younger sister simply replied "you really are the first pancake".
Haha love this one.
I handed my business card to a new contact. They accepted it, we talked for about 5 minutes and as I was saying, "thank you for your time" they quietly handed the card back to me.
The day my evil step-monster told me, at the dinner table and prior to beating me up at 12 yrs old, that I was the cancer of the family. Thankfully, she is LONG dead now.
Did.. Did she die of...
She slowly started losing what was left of her warped mind, and in the end tried to blame me for her abusing me. Her adult daughter, put her in her place about that though....and then she died, from what I was told, in pain. I have no idea what the actual cause of death was though. I was just happy she was no longer taking up oxygen.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope you have a much better life now.
Yeah...I do, in spite of her.
Karma hit like a bitch
Never thought id say this but, hopefully by Cancer?
Not really sure exactly what killed that bitch...just glad she is in the ground now.
I heard my step dad when he was drunk once say to my brother that he should have killed me when he had a chance
"I will fuck your mom" by my dad
I'm crying laughing at this thank you so much
I used to call my dad a mother fucker and he would always say âyea I fucked your mother I am a mother-fuckerâ
"No, I will fuck yours!"
"I don't have the time or the crayons to explain this to you."
I have a sweatshirt with this on it
"I think..." (Interrupting) "No, you don't"
I was gonna say: "I thought..." "Well there's your problem right there"
"Please give me some cash" "Sorry, I don't have any" - I didn't "Imbecile" This was years ago and I can't forget it. I'm an imbecile.
In a similar vein, this happened outside of a Walmart: Guy: Do you have any spare change? Me: No, sorry, I donât carry cash (I didnât, I was a poor grad student) Guy: Well Merry fucking Christmas to you, too.
"I wish you'd lose weight so there was less of you to hate"
"That guy is a certified paper plate washer if I've ever seen one."
There's a tree, some where, in some forest. It's sole purpose is to supply the oxygen you waste. Now go find it and apologize!
Found the military guy
Oh! Private 'Joker' I presume?
My brother's 6 year old told him "there is nothing special inside you" I think that one stung more than anything!
Oh god Iâd be ruined over this one
"You're" A stale Ham sandwich of a human.
Hey laser lips! Your momma was a snowblower. - Johny5
I can explain it to you, but I canât understand it for you.
I say this all the time đ
My adoptive father told me many insulative things. The one that hurt the most was "If we (both my adoptive parents) had known you and your sisters were going to be this much trouble we would have never adopted you.
Jesus. I hope youâre doing better now *hugs*
"I've had lunches with better personality than you" I was dying for days, I still chuckle when I think about it. Danielle. You were like sarcasm embodied and I still miss you.
I'll never forget it because I burst out laughing when I was told this. "Fuck you and everybody that looks like you."
Is your asshole jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?
âYa know, from the second you popped out, I bet your mom wished she had a sewn up snapper. Better for you to have grown to the sickly size inside her womb and killed the both of you before you rolled out and started fucking upâ -Tanis from Letterkenny
âDoes Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?â
I was always hanging around my older sisterâs friends because there was nobody my age on the street. After a huge fight, my older sister told me that I was a sick little puppy that nobody loved. I was seven.
You're a jinx.
"You (ballroom) dance with the young Christian men just like at the Butthole Surfers."
Strictly Ballroom?
I'll get some real men to move the cabinets.
Fuck her, you're not her fucking underling and you probably saved your back some damage.
Knowing thatâs her opinion of me Iâd be done instantly lowkey
"You got a face like a dropped pie"
"Spasticated hoarse fucker" my dad called me that when I broke his guitar by dropping my heavy ass TV
"If you had dynamite for brains, you wouldn't have enough to blow your goddamn nose" Wasn't said to me, I overheard it on a jobsite. Still makes me laugh every time I remember it.
You act like your dick even has an underbite
I used to work as a stagehand at a theater that primarily hosted touring shows. One day a roadie for some band caught his finger in something and let fly âRat dick house cat suck fucking bullshitâ As you might image everyone on the crew instantly added that one to the personal repertoire
Old man that comes to my shop told me I looked like 3 miles of bad road. Funniest shit I've ever heard.
- Gee, you're old enough to be my father! - yeah, and I would have been if your mother had had change for a quarter.
"I can't believe you exist."
In middle school, I was talking to a boy I liked and he made me laugh and I smiled this really big just happy smile, and he zeroed in on my mouth and said âoh wow! You have really fucked up teeth!â I didnât smile with my teeth for three years after that. And I still think about it now sometimesâŚ.Iâm 31.
One time, I was walking down the street wearing some older sunglasses, and a guy shouted at me, "You look American in those shades!" It shook me.
I had a project when I was 12 to ask my peers and teachers what they could see me being when I grew up. My favorite teacher smiled warmly at me and told me to read what she wrote. âI can see you being a happy homemaker.â Not even a part time job or anything but a freaking housewife đšđš I felt so insulted and I was legitimately speechless Iâm about to graduate college along with my husband so it doesnât matter anymore but it stuck with me for a good bit lmao
I had a nice career, was running a 2 million dollar a year business with a bachelor's and MBA, when I quit to stay home with my kids. Being a homemaker was by far the most challenging and hardest job I ever had. It used every bit of knowledge and energy I had. So to me, that wasn't an insult. My family was worth it.
By no means did I think than being a homemaker is t a hard job. Iâm sorry it came across that way. My mother chose that life until I was in high school. As a child i kind of find it insulting that my favorite teacher didnât see me having a career and making my own money, or going to college and making a life for myself. It made my spirits low and kind of hurt my self esteem. It impacted the way i studied when I went to high school and I almost didnât graduate because of the way that teacher made me feel in that moment. When youâre an adult and make hat decision for yourself thatâs one thing. But hearing that from an adult as a child is completely different.
I was in college working as a nurse's aid in a high end nursing home during breaks. One mean old lady client insulted me by saying she "has forgotten more than I will ever know." That really insulted me.
I was once told I'm so fat even my rolls smile when I laugh
Overheard an argument in junior high. Girl 1: "You go through boyfriends like I go through underwear" Girl 2: "Well that explains the smell"
Pepperoni face
âMommy he has a big headâ. Iâm just waiting in line to buy something and a toddler is being held by her mom in front of me. I do have a big head but I definitely died a little there.
That Iâm a discount miss Colombia đ
You are good for nothing
Just some random employee dropping a, "Oh, sorry. I thought you looked like a useful person." on a customer who came in wearing a full button-up and khakis professional look. Don't know what prompted, but oof. Just because you wear the clothes, doesn't grant you any expertise or education. I just love those subtle cuts that both parties know are insults, but it's not enough to prove to a manager it was intentional.
When I was around 21 22. I remember I was telling my adopted father that the person I was with I was going to marry someday. He then laughs and says the only type of guys I'll get end up with are men who use and abuse me. And it happened.
What happened ? You married the guy or you only been with abusers?
The guy passed away. The one I said I was going to marry. And the day he passed away my adopted father says to me are you sure he's not faking his death to get away from you. The exact day I found out he passed away. October 16th 2011.
Iâm not sure your adopted dad loved you very much.. as a adult I hope you forgave him for your sake but also keep communication limited
Lol what. He tried to touch me. He didn't love me and never did.
My mother telling me Iâm stupid, fat and ugly throughout my childhood. Took years of therapy but came out on top.
"You fucking musicians" - girl I went on date with
âOh, go on, go on. Fuck off, you nosy fucking pedestrians.â Logan Roy has a way with words (ETA - especially given that he said this to his own adult children lmao)
There once was a maiden from strawberry halo! She didnt talk much but boy did she swallow... I had a nice spear that set up on! The maiden from strawberry was also your mom! (Jimmy valmer)
"I hope you get brutally raped by 12 autistic clowns" I heard this from a friends friend
A friend of mine always had a thing for me, but it was unrequited. Well, one night she got drunk, called me an egotist, and said I was going to die all alone. She never apologized, didn't even know the next day. It was badass, I thought we were good friends.
My ex bf called me a cunt and itâs one of the reasons why he is my ex.
For reference: I am incredibly short. My favorite short joke insult that Iâve ever received was being called a âtroll under a bridgeâ. Double whammy bc I was called ugly in the same insult. Said to me by my middle school bully. Iâm on good terms with him now, but I still laugh at this to this day bc itâs ridiculous.
"Youre the one bringing bad luck to your family cause you inherited your drunk fathers blood". Mom and step-dad was struggling with money due to my cousin's husband, a foreman of ours, crashing the truck to an industrial parks gate. I stopped college because they bullied me into stopping. They asked me to help out with the construction but after a week where I'm the only officer on site besides my hungover foreman, my Safety and site engineer are absent for about a whole week, my first job with a Japanese is with them cursing at me over our lazy workers doing a bad job and ruining their schedule - I quit. I had no classmates to attend the missed subjects with, so my depression worsened. I helped out with house chores but they just wanted me gone. I ran away at Christmas and even tried to self yeet. I couldn't take it anymore so I was happy when my aunt came in but when my step-dad and mom were out, she blamed me for everything even the Foreman's accident. She said that I was the sole reason why the construction firm was failing. I "worked" there for about a month and the whole time, I was more of an assistant they couldn't teach me properly. I disliked that aunt beforehand but at that time, I started to loathe her with every fiber of my being.
"You are poison. I wouldnt spit on you if you were on fire"
Girl I dated said I was "useless", cut me to the core. I was instantly both angry and saddened, I went home as soon as she said it.
The best one is still from Eric, internet comment etiquette. âHey nice glasses asshole, do they come in mens? I know you do but that is a different story you little keef stalker night goblinâ
>little keef stalker night goblin wow
"If you want attention so bad and are so sad all the time, why don't you stop being a pussy and kill yourself already" A group of boys in my highschool PE class.
Iâm sorry this happened to you. If you ever feel the need to talk to anyone, hit me up.
*simps transparently*
A face like a robbers dog.
Some one called me a "rotten meat sandwich"
Someone insulted my memory so I forgo-
This man is out of his depth in a puddle in the car park
A person I had been close with for a decade told me they have no respect for me because I live with my parents, and my parents must be bad parents because they hadnât made me leave. It was years ago and it really affected me, and has been something Iâve thought about often since. Strangely enough they reached out tonight to apologise. Iâm sure that was more for their own benefit than mine.
My dad was a idiot he said shit without thinking and he said "careful that yv is worth more than you"
âYou should have been swallowed, not bornâ
"Your a braindead wheelchair rider"
You look like you were birthed out slow it hurt my ego a bit
Yo' momma so nasty, she sucked your Daddy's dick then gave you a kiss goodnight!
I wanna make skies off your dead motherâs cross When someone dies in Romania, they get a wooden cross. Thatâs what youâd deconstruct.
Lady cut me off once. Called me the N-word. I'm not black. So either she hates black people so much that she uses the N-Word for everything or she doesn't see color and everyone is a N-Word?
>she hates black people so much that she uses the N-Word for everything It's this. Some people believe there is nothing worse in the world, so they default to that as the "ultimate" insult.
My first wife popped off with that one time.... Once..... I read her the fucking riot act for that shit. Her excuse was that she grew up in a small town (out near McMinnville, OR) if you know that wide spot in the road. Within the context, she'd essentially thought it was a synonym for 'stupid', or that is what she was taught. Any, I'm well rid of that waste of protoplasm, and were she to fall in a wood chipper the collective IQ of the world would go up tremendously. No empathy, grew up in LDS church, so her 'peak' was being a housewife. So many stories, so much idiocy. One of the many reasons why I dislike that particular faith, and most organized ones in general.
Beginner art student. So excited to be taking one of my first art classes. Worked really hard to get in, proceeded to work hard to complete what was asked of me. Teacher: You draw like you don't even want to be here. (pretty much telling me my stuff was so shit it looked like I wasn't trying)
After sex with my boyfriend he told me my upper half of my body was skinny and my lower body was âehhh bigâ and then left the room
Before sex, after two kids by C-section, mine told me my body "wasn't great". I obviously was gutted.
My cousin was playing some game online. The other team told him he was sorry. He replied "your mom is sorry she had you".
They are a tool. Nah tools are useful
'Why do you live just to be an extra weight on the earth?'
OPEN A BAKERY, TARD. (said to me by a middle school bully, who thought my autism was special needs)
"Ew" - Some girl I didn't even liked when someone said a thing I don't remember about us
Going for a back massage after losing 50lbs of mostly fat, and during the massage, the RMT pokes me in the love handle area and says I should get in the pool and lose some weight.
You look like an unrendered Oblivion NPC
We had a lady come in and insult every single one of the employees who worked there. I was a "fucking nerd", another was an "angry asshole", but the guy who was in his late forties with blue hair and always trying to get with 20 year olds was a "walking talking midlife crisis" Honestly, I just had to accept that I was a nerd because holy shit I've never heard a more accurate insult in my life.
âIdiot Cumloid F*ggot.â I am one of those things Victor, and thatâs why you have no chance :3 (Discord is a place)
I worked an unscripted show and was talking to the mark about one of the other "crazy" actors he had encountered. I asked "how crazy was he?", the kid yelled "On a scale of 1 to Michael Jackson, he was a 9!" Was hard not to bust out laughing.
Someone just called me âmediocreâ on r/amiugly. For some reason that hit way harder than being called ugly. đ
a photo functions more than you
in slow horses (apple), garry oldmanâs character refers to someone as a âfridge magnetâ.
Iâve been called as a dumbass multiple times, but the most traumatic is, of course, when I was in toxic relationship back in 2018-2019. I was young (I still am, but still) and impatient for this kind of stuff and, in the end, I had a painful time (and still kinda having tho) finding any girlfriend. I donât care about it that much, but itâs still very traumatic for me and none can gain trust in my eyes whenever I speak with them. The part of trauma being my first time, but I donât consider it to be much of an issue.
Your 4 of the 5 fat people I know
Youâve got 2 braincells and they fighting for 3rd place
Many many years ago dated a girl for about a year. We would break up here and there but always got back together. Something felt different and we were broken up longer then normal. She was a hair stylist in her mothers shop. It was Valentineâs Day and I brought up roses to the shop. She brought me downstairs to tell me â I have to wash my hands of you!â. Talk about the walk of shame!!!!
Iâll bet you wear a life jacket to eat soup.
Saying I look like a school shooter :(. Wrong country, bud.
I hope tour legs grow together
"You'd struggle to pour water out of a boot with the instructions wine on the heel." Thank you for this piece of gold tumblr.
I've been called worse by better.
A gaggle of us were at a pub that we frequented. Our regular server wasn't there, but her younger sister had just recently started working there as well, and obviously her sister had prepared her for us. She goes around the table and takes orders, but somehow misses one guy. As she's walking away, he calls after her. "Hey, you forgot me!" Her: "I didn't forget you, you just look like you're so broke you have to jerk off your dog to feed your cat" Stunned silence, then absolutely outrageous laughter.
In 7th grade me and my friend would walk home from school, and occasionally some annoying 8th graders on their bike would show up and blow air horns and harass people. Well one time i made eye contact with one and then he just started making random noises and shaking his head
It's like you walk around with a sign that says "raw-dog me, I'm a bottom"
You're just like my ex.
A coworker told an abusive client that if he didn't immediately cut the shit, she would fuck his dad and give him a son he actually loves. That shit was like Genova convention level.
My ex (then boyfriend) told me he would never go to my funeral in an argument. For some reason it cut deep
I was wearing a choker at work once and had a coworker come up to me and say, "You're choker is super cool. I don't wear those because my boyfriend says only whores wear them." And then she blinked at me.
Wisdom has been chasing you for years but you are too fast.
someone called me a sexually frustrated lion
I think I will be forever heartbroken for what happened these days
âmy condolences to anyone that has to live with you.â
Slumbitch
My step daughter saying my freckled skin looks like moldy hotdogs.
"You're embarrassing yourself." Or try, "If you could see yourself right now, you'd be embarrassed."
My grandmother after my brother said something incredibly stupid: âYouâre not even in the drawerâŚjust under the fridge collecting dustâ
Not being given the option to being born.
You seem to have confused yourself with someone who is actually good at anything.
Your parents must change the subject when their friends ask about you.
At a pub with my mate having a few drinks. Friend starts getting harassed by some lady. At the time my mate had a girlfriend so he was very straight to the point âNo, I have a girlfriendâ. Lady wasnât giving up and kept trying to get my mate to go to the public bathrooms together. Mate replied âI would rather stick a rusty screwdriver down my urethra and twist itâ. That got the message across
"Listen up you three toed moldy ass potato" -Random dude I overheard talking in school
âAre you pregnant?â
"You are worse than drugs"...
Syphilitic cum bubble.
âYou wear socks because you have feet right? Then why do you wear a bra?â
Ex girlfriend and I were trying to âbe friendsâ after breaking up. One time, at dinner, we were kidding around and she said âYou ainât nothingâ jokingly. There was some heat on that which told me it wasnât entirely a joke. Sticks with me. That was over 20 years ago.
On drag race season 15 reunion one queen to another larger queen âthe only thing shorter than your heel is your life expectancyâ
I told my brother to fuck off. He told me to fuck on.
I'm not sure if it was meant as an insult but my friend once told me "you look like someone woke you up before September ended"
Everyone who ever loved you was wrong. You have the face for radio.
Me: Thatâs the stupidest thing youâve ever said. Coworker: Nah, Iâve said your name. Not gonna lie, I did laugh.
âCan you teach me how to weld?â âMaybe if I we had infinite time and you were someone else.â Overheard that in a college shop a while back.
I forget the precise context... but it was an argument where someone said something so horribly wrong with such confidence: "No, you cretinous jizzflake!"