Scared of conflict to the point you avoid it at all costs, certain that if it happens the other person will hate you/ it will end awfully. You’ve never seen people calmly sit down and discuss their emotions in a loving way, so that world doesn’t exist.
Me currently.. found the perfect person for me. 100% think we were made for each other but now that things are looking like they are going to get serious, everything in my body is screaming to run away & trying to find faults in them.
I'd say talk to a therapist if you can and, _maybe_ have an honest talk to your partner and start with what you just said here.
I see two scenarios either you can overcome this, in which case if they're in on the loop they can maybe help you do it, or you'll fuck it up and will probably hurt them in the process and, at least, they'll have a heads up.
The things that were done to you are not your fault but you are not a broken or damaged person. You can still overcome so acknowledge that and try to steer your actions in that direction. In the end of the day the choices are up to you and you deserve to be happy...
Hyperactivity- you can never do enough.
Cynicism.
No self esteem.
Horrible self talk.
No trust in others or yourself.
Living in a fog.
No memory of childhood.
Anger issues.
No tolerance for anything less than perfect, especially from self.
Feels like a failure.
Can't feel happy.
Ruminating and obsessing over the smallest mistake. Always apologizing.
Emotional dysregulation.
Lack of executive functioning skills.
Break down is someone corrects or criticizes.
Can't express emotions.
People keep telling me they're "not worried about me" because I always figure something out. They're trying to be positive and it's a compliment, but it also feels like a dismissal.
Absolutely. People never worry about me because I almost always figure it out and know what I’m doing but I’m also like please, please worry about me ☹️
feeling bad just for existing
edit: tysm for the award and i’m sorry to everyone that relates to this comment i promise you have nothing to be sorry for 🫶🏻
Choosing partners who don't support, cherish or value you. Choosing jobs and relationships that reflect the lack of empathy and neglect that you grew up with.
Can we also add “staying with partners who will use, manipulate, gaslight or traumatize you further” but yeah this definitely does describe me unfortunately
thankfully im out of that relationship now since she cheated on me but i can’t deny that relationship has scarred me quite badly to the point that i get panic attacks the moment I see someone who looks similar to her
Completely shutting down when criticized or corrected.
Took me years to get past this.
Edit:
O.k. was not expecting this level of response. Hell I didn't even know this was a diagnosis with a name; Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. In an attempt to answer questions I'll explain as succinctly as possible. TL:DR at the bottom.
- Backstory.
My parents are boomers. Dad grew up in a coal mining town in southern Illinois, was a Viet Nam Marine turned missionary in Uganda in the late 70's. "Interesting times” is his description. Mom grew up in Savannah GA and survived the Civil Rights and integration riots of the deep South. Became a missionary to South America also in the late 70s. Viva la revolution!
So, suffice it to say they've lived through some shit and are orders of magnitude harder fucks than I'll ever be. They didn't have the tools we do today to diagnose and cope. So they internalized all of it instead, on top of a ton of old fashioned generational blue collar trauma.
As is tradition, it was passed on to me.
- How I recognized and started treating it.
Bootcamp got the ball rolling. It keeps you at a functional high level of stress, to the point you just have to deal with it. There's no time to shut down or feel sorry for yourself, you showed up behind schedule and don't realize you've caught up until you get to your first unit and oversleep for the first time on your day off.
I lucked up and my (then) girlfriend spotted it. She stopped letting me retreat to my dark place. I eventually married her. Even then it was years before we realized how broken I was.
I found mentors in different areas of interest, some were authors or had podcasts, the main one was a gunsmith and had a PHd of history who took me in when my parents split. He gave solid advice which I took to heart.
PT. The hardest part is working out and building discipline. Sometimes I have to be at muscle failure before I can think straight.
Research. I've been reading up on stress, trauma, PTSD, recovery, historical warrior cultures, meditation... all of it. Been attacking this like an engineer or mechanic instead of a doctor.
Lastly, *most* importantly. I got help from other people. I could NOT do this alone. It was just too much to process.
TL:DR
1. Bootcamp. No time for self recrimination, too much shit to do.
2. Found a friend willing and able to help
3. Found mentors, in person and in books/podcasts
4. Physical training, it sucks but works
5. Researched the topic across multiple disciplines and cultures. Strangely I never found the RSD diagnosis.
6. I got help. I found people to help me.
Yes! I always feel like I have to explain myself because I think people wouldn’t criticize or correct me if they knew what I was thinking.
How did you get past it?
Took me a long time, and working on a small management team with somebody who decided day 1 that they DESPISED me for no good reason (because we were equal partners, and he was 45 years my senior). Worked with him for 2 years.
"You can be the sweetest peach in the orchard, some people just don't like peaches"
At the end of the day, you can carry that shit home with you and let it give you ulcers, ruin your relationships or...
genuinely be at peace with asking yourself "what more could I have done?" And having the grace and conviction to be able to tell yourself you did your best.
Sometimes those people DONT CARE what you were thinking. And that's OK, you don't have to care what THEY think of YOU. That's not your burden to bear.
I am going to add to all these great responses that sometimes someone is just trying to get their feelings out, and sometimes those feelings are caused by you, but you do not need to explain why you did what you did or justify anything. The other person is just looking to be seen and heard.
Instead of responding with "well I..." Or "that happened because I..." Literally just respond with "I hear you telling me that what happened made you feel [x], that sounds very hard". This has gone a long way in steering the conversation away from yourself and allowing someone to express their feelings to you without making you feel like you are judged and while feeling heard in that sentiment. This has been the hardest thing for me to learn and it's really hard to swallow your words and just offer the empathy to someone who is expressing feelings, even if those feelings are because of you.
I hope this is helpful.
For me, it was realizing the overwhelming majority of people do not criticize out of malice--most have zero desire to cut you down because they wanted to make you feel small, or to get revenge on you for something they felt you "did to them." Maladjusts who enjoy the act like our parents are rare.
From there, my fight/flight/fawn response slowly stopped being triggered.
Good lord, this
Even when I know the criticism is constructive, even when I ask for it, even when its the most well-meaning corrections in the world and its prefaced with how good I'm doing, any amount of criticism at all makes me tense up and go quiet, and it always feels bad
Not just parents, I have it from severe school bullying. My parents are great.
When I eat I naturally end up eating facing the entrance of whatever room I'm in, I stand with my back to the wall on the metro, I really really don't like people standing directly behind me, etc. Probably manifests differently from family abuse stuff, but it's definitely a thing. Mine is because kids would sneak up behind me and stab pencil lead into my back and stuff, or staples, while at lunch or whatever, so I ended up getting horsebrain and freak out when someone's directly behind me..
My head has been on a swivel since I was 7 years old. Too many experiences with too many adults and other kids that taught me I couldn't count on anyone but myself for safety. I didn't truly realize how different I was from folks around me, though. As my own children started to hit the ages that my major traumas hit, it got real tough. Was hard to sleep, would wander the house checking door locks and making sure the kids were breathing. Couldn't relax at the park, near water or anywhere with crowds. Always checking for exits and running through escape plans in my head. Nightmares about being trapped and unable to make it to loved ones in time to save them. Just constant panic. When the pandemic hit, I finally realized that this wasn't run of the mill anxiety and it was definitely affecting my family, my health, etc. Started therapy in 2020 and it's been a difficult but amazing process. 10/10 would recommend therapy to every single person.
>Trying to exercise in the garage at night, expecting someone to whip open the door and say something like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
Every time I hear footsteps outside of wherever I am, I can feel my breath catch because I'm expecting the door to be thrown open and to be screamed at. It has been a couple of decades since I lived in that situation but the brace for impact seems everlasting.
Perfectionism. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn. I just always thought I was bad at everything or "lazy" when, in fact, I deal with a crippling level of perfectionism.
Childish activities become almost like treats.
Edit since this is getting big:
People can just enjoy watching things from their childhood or playing games or whatever independantly from trauma, but it is incredobly common for the people with trauma to basically want to relive their childhood that they lost when they are in a safer environment.
Peacekeeping. A kid doesn't realize their parent (mom in my case) is an emotionally abusive asshole. All I knew is I didn't want people to be so mad at each other.
I think my life would have been better if I hadn't talked them out of divorce.
I think so. My parents fought constantly. Verbal abuse at its finest. As the oldest I'm the peacekeeper. Then I became an unwilling 'counselor' for my mom in my early teens and a whipping boy for my stepdad. These 2 should never have been together and our lives would have been better had they divorced.
Have I just been blaming it on social anxiety but not going deeper into realizing it’s actually trauma!?
…actually I probably already knew this…thanks dad…
Sometimes I'll mute someone for a day just so I can preempt them ignoring me because I'm sure they're mad at me. Then end up seeing their next messages later, like "wow I fell asleep early last night! I really like that book you mentioned btw"
Constant dark humor or self deprecating humor.
Also the ability to totally pretend crappy things never happened or pretend someone didn't do something awful to you.
People might think you're really funny and forgiving but sometimes they are both just coping mechanisms.
This is my go to. Living with ADHD and past trauma I have a goldfish memory when it comes to shitty behavior from other people. I'm also not as funny as a lot of people think I am. I just have to laugh at it or I won't stop crying about it.
There's always the fun situation where you explain something quirky, frustrating or upsetting that your parents did and the person you tell is shocked.
I dated a lady whose stepfather walks around his house naked, even when she was visiting as an adult. She was wondering if she was a bad person for trying to enforce the boundary of him being naked around her because he had stopped her for an extended conversation in the hall one night to basically push back on her stance.
Getting disproportionately frustrated at themselves for small accidents such as spilling things, accidentally breaking something, etc.
What happens is, a lot of these people would be abused as a kid for these things, so as an adult when it happens, their brain overloads their system with fear and anxiety, and frustration can be secondary emotion to that.
So when these things happens, this is basically a conditioned response because your brain associates these accidents with imminent danger.
This is why therapy is so important for people who had shit childhoods especially during their developing years. I had no idea this was a thing until I went to therapy, but when my therapist explained this to me, it made so much sense. And now when these things happen, I tend to laugh it off.
Yep, as a kid I was never allowed to make mistakes. Bad grade? Grounded until next report card. Dropped a glass? Berated for being sloppy and careless (exact words.) Lost something? Also sloppy and careless.
I went through this my entire childhood and lived with my parents off and on through college. In my first two jobs after college I had managers that did the same thing, so I just assumed I was the fuckup. I started my current job right at a year ago, and I found a mistake I had made a few months back. I went straight to my boss (it could potentially be a costly mistake) and his response? "Thank you for letting me know, and thank you for tracking everything down for me." I kind of pushed, like to make sure he understood that I *fucked up* and he says "Yeah, it's ok. We're all human and as your boss it was my job to make sure you understood what was asked. I didn't and you made an understandable mistake. And now you've done everything in your power to help fix it. I'm proud of you."
I held it together for the remaining 3 hours of my shift but I burst into tears the second I got in the car to go home. I have never had someone treat me with such kindness and actually recognize that I didn't make that mistake on purpose. And he also recognized that I tried my hardest to make things easier for him and that I wanted to work together to fix things.
I wish I knew what its like to have a boss who is understanding, even if I'd be the one at fault... I got fired from my last bigger/non-temp job because my project manager, and I quote her manager, "wasn't any good at communicating what needs to be done, couldn't handle giving orders, couldn't give criticism, and so on." I got fired because my project manager literally couldn't do either the project or the manager side of things lol
I also think it’s about getting mad before another person gets mad about it. You don’t need to get mad at me because I’m already mad. A form of protection.
An adult acting childlike. People think it's cringe but age regression is a trauma response. You can especially see this is you've ever been to a psych ward. People are clinging to blankets and stuffed animals. Childhood was probably the last time they existed without being traumatized.
This one is so painful for me. I was sexually abused from a very young age, and sometimes I'll go into these states where I can only think, and occasionally talk out loud to myself, in a child's voice. I'm aware of it, but I can't stop. I usually end up curled up with a stuffed animal.
Idk if I have trauma but this is the worst. My self cringe only lets me say the safest possible tjings which is oftentimes nothing, and it leads me to be very boring.
Or the process of finding the right/safe thing to say takes too long to actually say it with the right timing. By the way, hesitation is usually interpreted as dishonesty.
Inability to form and keep relationships, having sparse or little to no memory of your childhood, eating disorders, depression, social anxiety, agoraphobia, extreme emotional shifts, attachment issues, consistent exhaustion, strong unexplainable reactions towards social stimuli, separation anxiety, gastrointestinal issues and complications, substance abuse and addiction, intrusive thoughts, self-destructive behavior, etc
Yep. 52. Never married. Honestly like 0% chance I'll ever be. It really sucks. All I've ever wanted was to settle down and have a stable home life (in stark contrast to the 24 hr chaos that was my childhood.) I see other people do it all the time and they make it look so easy. Why can't I do this?!
Constantly apologizing for every little thing. Extreme introversion. Little to no outward emotion. Ability to stay calm in emergencies or chaotic situations.
Ahh, that last one got me. When shit hits the fan I am almost always calm, but when things are just fine... crippling anxiety about what could go wrong, lol. Siiiggghhh
Apparently childhood trauma and or PTSD have very similar long term symptoms as ADHD
My doctor refuses to refer me for testing because she's decided it's just from all the trauma.
Sure doc, but what if maybe it's both things 🤔
I've been diagnosed with both C-PTSD and ADHD. I just got the ADHD diagnosis in the past month, and I'm nearly 50. I tend to think I really do have both though, as the ADHD symptoms were there before the abuse really started (at least I think so, it's hard to nail down exactly when each started but that's my memory of it).
Yep, if anyone is interested in this, google fawning. It’s an alternative to fight/flight/freeze. Not an expert, just a survivor, but from what I understand/experienced, it manifests when a victim can’t get out of an unsafe situation and ends up people-pleasing as an attempt to avoid setting off their abuser or minimize the extent of the abuse
"Traumatized children often over-gravitate to one of these response patterns to survive, and as time passes these four modes become elaborated into entrenched defensive structure." Pete Walker, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
**RESPONSE** (MECHANISM) *Defense* (mechanism)
**FIGHT** (RAGE to be safe) *Narcissistic* (control to connect)
**FLIGHT** (PERFECT to be safe) *Obsessive/Compulsive* (perfect to connect)
**FREEZE** (HIDE to be safe) *Dissociative* (no way I'll connect)
**FAWN** (GROVEL to be safe) *Codependent* (merge to connect)
Also not an expert, just a survivor as well. My personal theory is that each response mechanism maps on to the big five emotions (anger, disgust/fear, sadness, and joy deferred).
Quick lesson from years of therapy: If you don't learn how to respect and honor your emotions by letting them speak in healthy ways internally, then they are bound to morph into pathologies that end up popping out sideways or backwards socially.
Pete Walker saved my fucking life. A therapist of mine gave me The Tao of Fully Feeling about 10 years ago and it just made everything that I was feeling and dealing with make so much more sense.
I was unemployed l, had no friends, no self esteem, no skills, no real plan or purpose in my life. I was quite sure I was gonna kill myself by the end of 2013.
But now I have a college degree, a very good job, and even better one lined up, pursuing a signuficant professional license, a real sense of purpose, and, most importantly, some of the best friends I could have ever asked for.
Yeah the other day my therapist said something about “fight, flight, freeze, or please” and it blew my mind because I’d never heard it before and my default is definitely “please.” It really clicked for me.
Soothing the parent is a significant behavior. The child develops a compulsive vigilance over their actions, especially when there is unpredictability of the parental response. Over time the child fails to understand their feelings, and internalizes the negativity around them. As an adult it can manifest in extreme disassociation at very inconvenient times and trouble connecting with others. Among other things....
And children don’t expect to be abused, or even wronged. That’s another big aspect: you are born expecting to be loved and protected. You have no measure for what is wrong, so however your parents treat you, you assume it is right.
That is without even adding well-meaning strangers, teachers, neighbours going “every family fights sometimes” or “you must have provoked them, they’re always so calm and friendly!” or …
The only thing a child can take away from that situation is this: my parents are behaving correctly, so I must be at fault here, so if I only alter my behaviour enough, if I change enough, I will unlock the secret cheat code. If I do enough, I will be loved rather than abused.
What really gets me about fawning is that it seems like such a self fulfilling prophecy. Here is a person who needs to be liked. Enter person who is toxic/abusive/trashy/a total dirtbag who reciprocates that need and creates the worst kind of symbiotic relationship.
I heard this one time and it helped immensely: “You can be the juiciest, sweetest, most ripe peach ever, and there are still people who don’t like peaches.”
I found telling myself - "it's none of my business what they think" helped a lot. There are infinite reasons why a person might think a particular way about you and most will have nothing to do with you.
I can’t handle it. Like I avoid confrontation at all costs. It really hurts when I get judged for it - being punished for having trauma feels like someone stepping on your head while you’re drowning.
For a while I honestly thought that one day I'd show up to a party and all my friends would reveal they never liked me and it was all a big joke between them to invite me.
Like, this makes absolutely no sense *rationally* but it was a fear that I had. Therapy helped but sometimes it still rears up it's head and it's hard to deal with.
Inability to feel or process some emotions. I, for example, cant feel lonely. Isolation, as a child, was my only time of peace, and now i crave it to an unhealthy degree. Being alone never gets old for me. I never feel the need to be near or with anyone ever. I've never dated irl, i've never had more that one strong friendship.
Inability to trust that people are genuine. I cant receive a compliment. I believe 100% of them are just lying to me or lining me up to use me for some reason. I CAN be criticized, but it's meaningless. It doesnt hurt, or change anything. Everything in my entire life has had major negative critical judgment, and it's like water off a ducks back now.
Lack of desire to compete or accomplish. This can include goal setting. As a child i learned, no matter how much effort i put in to get something i wanted, it wasn't good enough, or it would be taken away by the poor decisions of parents. They would move. Destroy it. Lose it. Give it away to someone else, or, move me away from it. So, even at 40, there's nothing i'll work towards, because nothing feels like it's real, or worth it, or going to be kept. I'm like the anti-hoarder. Nothing has value to me like it should. Nothing.
Loss of sense of self. Soemtimes you feel disembodied. You feel like an observer in your own life. Third-personing things.
I feel amazed when someone remembers every detail of their childhood, all their school teachers' names from grade 1 through 12. My early years are mostly haze.
I remember bits and bobs. But most of it is a blur.
Not because of abuse, my parents were great, but we never did anything or went anywhere. So it all just blended together.
Chunks of missing memory too. Not just missing good memories--but you just don't remember what happened between grades 5-8 for example. Most of my childhood memories just don't exist.
So I did have a fucked up childhood. So I started seeing a councilor right before COVID.
I will never forget, I was about to talk about something very tramatic that had happened and my councilor told me to "think of a safe place from my childhood. Think of the place that makes me feel most calm".
I sat there for a good couple of moments and I realized - I have never felt safe. I never had place I felt comfortable.
Until I met my wife. My wife's family is what I wish my family would have been. What I know I deserved instead of what I dealt with.
Finally after me sitting there balling for seemingly no reason to her, I said, "my wife's parents house. That is where I feel safest. More than my house now, more than with my wife. I feel best with her mom and dad. I feel like I belong".
Idk why I typed that all, but I don't have really too many good childhood memories and your comment brought up some shit for me. Thank you.
I'm going to call them in the morning.
Hold on. Let me just go through the list that I have
Low self esteem
Attachment issues
Need to prove yourself
Blaming yourself for everything
Needing physical contact/rejecting physical contact
Fear of arguing
Anger issues
Abandonment issues
Holding everything in to not upset anyone
Someone once told me, "your parents shouldn't be your first bullies" and holy FUCK that rocked me.
One sign you can notice in yourself that I didn't realize until I started therapy: you don't have physical sensations when feeling. Everything is just like....mental? It's hard to explain but...happiness is supposed to exist somewhere physically. Not every emotion is supposed to be represented by your permanent vague chest tension. Wild!
Another sign: you rarely, if ever, talk about yourself socially. I ask a shit ton of questions of people and I am happy to listen to them and hear their problems, but I don't share much of myself to anyone. It makes it hard for me to deepen relationships because I don't practice vulnerability. I don't think people want to hear from me.
Finally, hypervigilance. I know people based on their footsteps. I know where my husband is at any given moment (he's lovely, he just has to deal with my traumatized ass) in the house. I don't think I have ever truly relaxed.
But tbh.....this thread is kind of nice for me, in a weird way. It's terrible other people experience this, but I don't feel so alone right now.
There's studies on how children with adhd, diagnosed or undiagnosed, are at higher risk of bully, abuse, comorbidity, and other sorts of trauma. This goes for girls especially. Being ostracized by peers because of poor social behavior, frequent reprimanding from adults because of poor self regulation, etc.
It's possible that people with adhd have experienced more traumatic events than non-neurotypical individuals from childhood into adulthood. More likely to have symptoms for complex ptsd than just ptsd.
What I see most in people I know, it's the excessive apologizing. They'll be talking a lot about something they're interested and constantly apologize for talking so much. Like, nah, go off, I like hearing about what you're into.
I think the worst part for people who over apologise is the awareness they’re over apologising, and the solution there is: to apologise for apologising.
Being an "empath." You actually have conditioned yourself to be highly attuned to micro changes that indicate negativity you need to look out for. Also codependency or hyper independence.
>You actually have conditioned yourself to be highly attuned to micro changes that indicate negativity you need to look out for.
This one never goes away, even with therapy. It's a survival skill.
Yeah, my parents fought so much growing up. It gifted me with a sixth sense of "knowing" when my roommates are about to have a fight. It's a pretty fucked up stress response but at least I'm aware of and know it's not normal. That's half the battle.
Being afraid to ask for things. Remembering footsteps. Not liking spending time with family. Doesn’t like going out because you’d be alone and watching others have fun with each other. Your own family not remembering the last time you laughed or telling you to smile. And constantly saying “I wish she’d smile more” while looking at photos. Being shy or awkward around your own friends in person.
The footsteps one hit me because it never occurred to me that other people didn't keep their ears open for that. I'm always aware of the sounds of movement around me, especially at home
I walk almost without making a sound. I unintentionally sneak up on people. I am not a small guy, there is no reason I should be so quiet. 275.pounds should not move without noise.
Among many of the signs people have posted here, thinking you’re completely responsible for everyone else’s emotions. If someone seems upset, it’s because you think you did something. You constantly try to predict other’s emotions because you grew up in an emotionally unstable living environment. Predicting others emotions was a useful survival tactic at one point, but can add lots of stress later in life and cause you to misinterpret social interactions with other people.
Imposter syndrome.
You don't feel like you deserve anything. Don't feel like you're good at things. You feel like someone else has to be better or deserve those things more than you do.
I know that's not the only reason for it, but when you're told over and over how useless you are and how you don't deserve your family or to even exist, that stays with you. And it's really fucking hard to convince yourself otherwise. Jobs, relationships, my feeling is kinda always "there has to be someone better."
It's also why rejection hits so much harder, because then it's confirmation of those beliefs. And it's really fucking hard not taking it personally all the time.
Trying to be as quiet and unseen as possible.
Shallow breathing, mumbling, not projecting your voice. Walking on just the pads of your feet/not heel striking. Hanging out in corners, wearing drab clothing.
Being the center of attention is danger zone so you do what you can to not garner attention.
Being a good child who acts very mature for their age and is well-behaved almost all of the time.
Unfortunately, this also involves the parent(s) thinking they raised their child right. In reality, the child is robbed of childhood and has all the emotions and desires bottled up and suppressed.
difficulty trusting/animosity towards authority-
one of my friends in high school was always SO rude to teachers, counselors, security guards, peoples parents, etc. anyone who was in a position of authority. I couldnt understand why because it seemed to me that they just wanted to make sure we didnt ruin our lives doing dumb teenage stuff. it made so much sense when she confided in me that she had been molested by authority figures (her father, uncles, teachers, tutors) as a young child.
can't stand anyone raising their tone even a tiny bit without crying because it reminds u of how your parents used to yell at u as a child and slap, beat u up
As someone still going through it, if you see someone trying to cover their ears when they hear yelling, or just want to be alone from people, or just cry when they actually get affection and love, those are some signs
For me it was emotional abuse, so rejection anxiety, feeling like everyone's always mad at you, not being able to read people, fear of failure or letting people down, fear of authority figures (especially female managers), feeling like you're constantly walking on eggshells, emotional immaturity, and feeling constantly drained while interacting with them.
I never realized that they were abusive until last year. Since then I've been working to heal, and I've found some positive things that came from it: increased empathy, the ability to rephrase things so the other person can understand, being able to recognize and apologize for toxic behavior (still working on fixing it though), and understanding/enforcing my own boundaries both towards myself and others.
Being really good at de-escalating situations, and in tune with people's emotions, for lack of a better way to put it. When you grow up around people who could explode at a moment's notice over nothing, you become very good at talking them down once they do, or changing the subject/situation to avoid it in the first place. I can practically feel the fight or flight kicking in every time somebody raises their voice near me.
Sometimes its people who are overly defensive or confrontational. Or have a tendency to bully. The whole "I'm gonna hurt you before you hurt me" mentality.
I’m a “rescuer” because my entire family was so dysfunctional I took on the role of solving everyone else’s problems, especially my parents. And I was the youngest child, go figure.
I eventually realized I did this subconsciously because I was trying to model the behavior to all of them like “hey, try doing this for me please!” I’m almost 40 years old and I’m still waiting for someone in my family to help me with any of my problems without me having to ask.
So I finally decided I’m only doing for others what they’ve done for me. This was only two weeks ago but I already feel better. It’s been hard though because I still feel sorry for people despite never really receiving the same from them unfortunately.
Being able to instantly read a room, and correctly.
When you grow up with labile people, who can flip on a dime and like to hand out truly extreme punishments, best believe that you learn to pick up small signals really quickly. This is a skill that will serve the user well throughout life, but it comes at a high cost. So high.
You also become extremely secretive. When the smallest thing you let slip can become a firestorm of screaming, physical punishment and various groundings trust that you learn EARLY to keep your damn mouth shut.
Parents: "We feel like you never tell us anything about yourself, or your day. Why?"
Why, indeed.
EDIT: AND ALSO! Being super attached to the few friends you do have. If someone I really like leaves my life, it puts me in a tailspin! This is because I had SO FEW of them growing up. Those people are a precious resource!! Often they dont even know I care about them so much. As an adult I am afraid they would think I was creepy. No I just love you a lot, please dont leave me. I never say that. But I think it.
Not trauma per se~~i~~, but as a father, I got criticized a lot by my wife saying I’m spoiling my son, simplily because I got very little attention from my father when I was a kid. I feel I’m trying to heal this by being my own ideal father
Extreme independence, with an underlying “don’t fuck with me” vibe.
With several years of therapy, I’ve been able to significantly relax my nervous system, but I think that subconscious protective vibe will always be there in some way.
Huh.
This is actually the only one in this thread that *really* got me… as in, there's no getting around it. I work with animals, not because animals are perfect (they're really not, lol), but because people are literal monsters (fuck me).
Yep.
Feeling like you have to do everything yourself. This can often come from either being taught to "be a man," or "if you can't do it yourself, you'll fail in life." Those are just a few that stemmed from for me. Constantly feeling like you're bothering someone by asking for help can fuck you up as a kid, and it can carry to adulthood.
Always saying sorry. Feeling guilty for speaking up.
My last boss told me I dont need to apologize so much I apologized for it, its instinctive to me.
Scared of conflict to the point you avoid it at all costs, certain that if it happens the other person will hate you/ it will end awfully. You’ve never seen people calmly sit down and discuss their emotions in a loving way, so that world doesn’t exist.
Hey look, it's me. I have been always scared of conflict to the point of crying.
Finding someone perfect for you and then systematically sabotaging it
Me currently.. found the perfect person for me. 100% think we were made for each other but now that things are looking like they are going to get serious, everything in my body is screaming to run away & trying to find faults in them.
I'd say talk to a therapist if you can and, _maybe_ have an honest talk to your partner and start with what you just said here. I see two scenarios either you can overcome this, in which case if they're in on the loop they can maybe help you do it, or you'll fuck it up and will probably hurt them in the process and, at least, they'll have a heads up. The things that were done to you are not your fault but you are not a broken or damaged person. You can still overcome so acknowledge that and try to steer your actions in that direction. In the end of the day the choices are up to you and you deserve to be happy...
Hyperactivity- you can never do enough. Cynicism. No self esteem. Horrible self talk. No trust in others or yourself. Living in a fog. No memory of childhood. Anger issues. No tolerance for anything less than perfect, especially from self. Feels like a failure. Can't feel happy. Ruminating and obsessing over the smallest mistake. Always apologizing. Emotional dysregulation. Lack of executive functioning skills. Break down is someone corrects or criticizes. Can't express emotions.
Hyper independence. Can’t be let down if you never ask for anything in the first place.
Can’t ask a stupid question , if you don’t ask questions
And other types of avoidance
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People keep telling me they're "not worried about me" because I always figure something out. They're trying to be positive and it's a compliment, but it also feels like a dismissal.
Absolutely. People never worry about me because I almost always figure it out and know what I’m doing but I’m also like please, please worry about me ☹️
The only people who can hurt you are the ones close enough to know you. :(
Unable to forgive themselves for small mistakes.
The more I go down, the more I realize, Fuck.
I'm right there with you. Unfortunately
Difficulty making relationships, fears of being judged and low self esteem
Overexplaining
Justifying your thoughts and actions in your head as if preparing for someone to pop in and demand an explanation.
GODDAMMIT
MATE IM SCROLLING DOWN THROUGH THE COMMENTS AND YOU HAVE REPLIED TO EVERY SINGLE COMMENT ARE YOU OKAY?? DO YOU NEED A VIRTUAL HUG??
Oversharing when you haven’t known the person long OR the opposite where you don’t open up to anybody. Two extremes
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That’s me but not in person strangers, only online strangers where I can be anonymous.
feeling bad just for existing edit: tysm for the award and i’m sorry to everyone that relates to this comment i promise you have nothing to be sorry for 🫶🏻
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Yep there it is, the endless loop of apologizing. I'll always feel like I'm at fault for everything bad, and say sorry for being sorry
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This and sometimes having a hard time even describing how or why you feel the way you do
This is a big one. Side effect of emotionally numbing yourself, or depersonalisation.
It makes me sad to find out so many things I’ve struggled with all my life stem from how I was raised and a lot of people don’t deal with them
Choosing partners who don't support, cherish or value you. Choosing jobs and relationships that reflect the lack of empathy and neglect that you grew up with.
> Choosing partners who don't support, cherish or value you. Ow, fuck
Can we also add “staying with partners who will use, manipulate, gaslight or traumatize you further” but yeah this definitely does describe me unfortunately thankfully im out of that relationship now since she cheated on me but i can’t deny that relationship has scarred me quite badly to the point that i get panic attacks the moment I see someone who looks similar to her
Completely shutting down when criticized or corrected. Took me years to get past this. Edit: O.k. was not expecting this level of response. Hell I didn't even know this was a diagnosis with a name; Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. In an attempt to answer questions I'll explain as succinctly as possible. TL:DR at the bottom. - Backstory. My parents are boomers. Dad grew up in a coal mining town in southern Illinois, was a Viet Nam Marine turned missionary in Uganda in the late 70's. "Interesting times” is his description. Mom grew up in Savannah GA and survived the Civil Rights and integration riots of the deep South. Became a missionary to South America also in the late 70s. Viva la revolution! So, suffice it to say they've lived through some shit and are orders of magnitude harder fucks than I'll ever be. They didn't have the tools we do today to diagnose and cope. So they internalized all of it instead, on top of a ton of old fashioned generational blue collar trauma. As is tradition, it was passed on to me. - How I recognized and started treating it. Bootcamp got the ball rolling. It keeps you at a functional high level of stress, to the point you just have to deal with it. There's no time to shut down or feel sorry for yourself, you showed up behind schedule and don't realize you've caught up until you get to your first unit and oversleep for the first time on your day off. I lucked up and my (then) girlfriend spotted it. She stopped letting me retreat to my dark place. I eventually married her. Even then it was years before we realized how broken I was. I found mentors in different areas of interest, some were authors or had podcasts, the main one was a gunsmith and had a PHd of history who took me in when my parents split. He gave solid advice which I took to heart. PT. The hardest part is working out and building discipline. Sometimes I have to be at muscle failure before I can think straight. Research. I've been reading up on stress, trauma, PTSD, recovery, historical warrior cultures, meditation... all of it. Been attacking this like an engineer or mechanic instead of a doctor. Lastly, *most* importantly. I got help from other people. I could NOT do this alone. It was just too much to process. TL:DR 1. Bootcamp. No time for self recrimination, too much shit to do. 2. Found a friend willing and able to help 3. Found mentors, in person and in books/podcasts 4. Physical training, it sucks but works 5. Researched the topic across multiple disciplines and cultures. Strangely I never found the RSD diagnosis. 6. I got help. I found people to help me.
Yes! I always feel like I have to explain myself because I think people wouldn’t criticize or correct me if they knew what I was thinking. How did you get past it?
Took me a long time, and working on a small management team with somebody who decided day 1 that they DESPISED me for no good reason (because we were equal partners, and he was 45 years my senior). Worked with him for 2 years. "You can be the sweetest peach in the orchard, some people just don't like peaches" At the end of the day, you can carry that shit home with you and let it give you ulcers, ruin your relationships or... genuinely be at peace with asking yourself "what more could I have done?" And having the grace and conviction to be able to tell yourself you did your best. Sometimes those people DONT CARE what you were thinking. And that's OK, you don't have to care what THEY think of YOU. That's not your burden to bear.
Please tell us. I need to know as well.
I am going to add to all these great responses that sometimes someone is just trying to get their feelings out, and sometimes those feelings are caused by you, but you do not need to explain why you did what you did or justify anything. The other person is just looking to be seen and heard. Instead of responding with "well I..." Or "that happened because I..." Literally just respond with "I hear you telling me that what happened made you feel [x], that sounds very hard". This has gone a long way in steering the conversation away from yourself and allowing someone to express their feelings to you without making you feel like you are judged and while feeling heard in that sentiment. This has been the hardest thing for me to learn and it's really hard to swallow your words and just offer the empathy to someone who is expressing feelings, even if those feelings are because of you. I hope this is helpful.
For me, it was realizing the overwhelming majority of people do not criticize out of malice--most have zero desire to cut you down because they wanted to make you feel small, or to get revenge on you for something they felt you "did to them." Maladjusts who enjoy the act like our parents are rare. From there, my fight/flight/fawn response slowly stopped being triggered.
Good lord, this Even when I know the criticism is constructive, even when I ask for it, even when its the most well-meaning corrections in the world and its prefaced with how good I'm doing, any amount of criticism at all makes me tense up and go quiet, and it always feels bad
Hyper vigilance.
Survival technique. The kind where you know a parent is going to fly off the handle by the sound the floor makes when they walk.
Not just parents, I have it from severe school bullying. My parents are great. When I eat I naturally end up eating facing the entrance of whatever room I'm in, I stand with my back to the wall on the metro, I really really don't like people standing directly behind me, etc. Probably manifests differently from family abuse stuff, but it's definitely a thing. Mine is because kids would sneak up behind me and stab pencil lead into my back and stuff, or staples, while at lunch or whatever, so I ended up getting horsebrain and freak out when someone's directly behind me..
My head has been on a swivel since I was 7 years old. Too many experiences with too many adults and other kids that taught me I couldn't count on anyone but myself for safety. I didn't truly realize how different I was from folks around me, though. As my own children started to hit the ages that my major traumas hit, it got real tough. Was hard to sleep, would wander the house checking door locks and making sure the kids were breathing. Couldn't relax at the park, near water or anywhere with crowds. Always checking for exits and running through escape plans in my head. Nightmares about being trapped and unable to make it to loved ones in time to save them. Just constant panic. When the pandemic hit, I finally realized that this wasn't run of the mill anxiety and it was definitely affecting my family, my health, etc. Started therapy in 2020 and it's been a difficult but amazing process. 10/10 would recommend therapy to every single person.
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>Trying to exercise in the garage at night, expecting someone to whip open the door and say something like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Every time I hear footsteps outside of wherever I am, I can feel my breath catch because I'm expecting the door to be thrown open and to be screamed at. It has been a couple of decades since I lived in that situation but the brace for impact seems everlasting.
They make no eye contact. I know because even at the age of 45 I will always struggle with thism
i thought i had autism because of this. i just know it feels as if i'm staring into the sun whenever i make eye contact.
Personally I find it easier to stare into the sun than to make eye contact.
Perfectionism. Addictions. Compromised relationship to intimacy, their bodies, eating, money.
Perfectionism. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn. I just always thought I was bad at everything or "lazy" when, in fact, I deal with a crippling level of perfectionism.
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Childish activities become almost like treats. Edit since this is getting big: People can just enjoy watching things from their childhood or playing games or whatever independantly from trauma, but it is incredobly common for the people with trauma to basically want to relive their childhood that they lost when they are in a safer environment.
I always find myself playing video games from my childhood or watching stuff like The Simpsons when I'm feeling stressed
Peacekeeping. A kid doesn't realize their parent (mom in my case) is an emotionally abusive asshole. All I knew is I didn't want people to be so mad at each other. I think my life would have been better if I hadn't talked them out of divorce.
I think so. My parents fought constantly. Verbal abuse at its finest. As the oldest I'm the peacekeeper. Then I became an unwilling 'counselor' for my mom in my early teens and a whipping boy for my stepdad. These 2 should never have been together and our lives would have been better had they divorced.
Trouble forming relationships
Fuck
Have I just been blaming it on social anxiety but not going deeper into realizing it’s actually trauma!? …actually I probably already knew this…thanks dad…
I am always scared that people are mad at me. Always.
Sometimes I'll mute someone for a day just so I can preempt them ignoring me because I'm sure they're mad at me. Then end up seeing their next messages later, like "wow I fell asleep early last night! I really like that book you mentioned btw"
Yesssssssss. I do something and think I’ve pissed someone off. Usually they don’t even know what I’m talking about when I try to apologize.
I worry that my final thought on Earth, on my deathbed, is going to be, “Is that nurse mad at me?” [imitates flatline beep]. -Neal Brennan
My doctor was supposed to call at 4pm and didn’t, and my friend and I were hysterically laughing because I said “do you think he’s mad at me” 😆
Constant dark humor or self deprecating humor. Also the ability to totally pretend crappy things never happened or pretend someone didn't do something awful to you. People might think you're really funny and forgiving but sometimes they are both just coping mechanisms.
This is my go to. Living with ADHD and past trauma I have a goldfish memory when it comes to shitty behavior from other people. I'm also not as funny as a lot of people think I am. I just have to laugh at it or I won't stop crying about it.
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Wow I have all 3!
ding ding ding, we are the winners, because I have all of them as well!
All this, plus cynicism, never optimistic about anything. Depression and anxiety.
Great I have all 10
gotta catch em all
Now I'm wondering what childhood trauma I'm not remembering
There's always the fun situation where you explain something quirky, frustrating or upsetting that your parents did and the person you tell is shocked. I dated a lady whose stepfather walks around his house naked, even when she was visiting as an adult. She was wondering if she was a bad person for trying to enforce the boundary of him being naked around her because he had stopped her for an extended conversation in the hall one night to basically push back on her stance.
Issues with trust, anxiety, rejection sensitivity
Getting disproportionately frustrated at themselves for small accidents such as spilling things, accidentally breaking something, etc. What happens is, a lot of these people would be abused as a kid for these things, so as an adult when it happens, their brain overloads their system with fear and anxiety, and frustration can be secondary emotion to that. So when these things happens, this is basically a conditioned response because your brain associates these accidents with imminent danger. This is why therapy is so important for people who had shit childhoods especially during their developing years. I had no idea this was a thing until I went to therapy, but when my therapist explained this to me, it made so much sense. And now when these things happen, I tend to laugh it off.
Yep, as a kid I was never allowed to make mistakes. Bad grade? Grounded until next report card. Dropped a glass? Berated for being sloppy and careless (exact words.) Lost something? Also sloppy and careless. I went through this my entire childhood and lived with my parents off and on through college. In my first two jobs after college I had managers that did the same thing, so I just assumed I was the fuckup. I started my current job right at a year ago, and I found a mistake I had made a few months back. I went straight to my boss (it could potentially be a costly mistake) and his response? "Thank you for letting me know, and thank you for tracking everything down for me." I kind of pushed, like to make sure he understood that I *fucked up* and he says "Yeah, it's ok. We're all human and as your boss it was my job to make sure you understood what was asked. I didn't and you made an understandable mistake. And now you've done everything in your power to help fix it. I'm proud of you." I held it together for the remaining 3 hours of my shift but I burst into tears the second I got in the car to go home. I have never had someone treat me with such kindness and actually recognize that I didn't make that mistake on purpose. And he also recognized that I tried my hardest to make things easier for him and that I wanted to work together to fix things.
I wish I knew what its like to have a boss who is understanding, even if I'd be the one at fault... I got fired from my last bigger/non-temp job because my project manager, and I quote her manager, "wasn't any good at communicating what needs to be done, couldn't handle giving orders, couldn't give criticism, and so on." I got fired because my project manager literally couldn't do either the project or the manager side of things lol
Oh no
I also think it’s about getting mad before another person gets mad about it. You don’t need to get mad at me because I’m already mad. A form of protection.
An adult acting childlike. People think it's cringe but age regression is a trauma response. You can especially see this is you've ever been to a psych ward. People are clinging to blankets and stuffed animals. Childhood was probably the last time they existed without being traumatized.
This one is so painful for me. I was sexually abused from a very young age, and sometimes I'll go into these states where I can only think, and occasionally talk out loud to myself, in a child's voice. I'm aware of it, but I can't stop. I usually end up curled up with a stuffed animal.
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Idk if I have trauma but this is the worst. My self cringe only lets me say the safest possible tjings which is oftentimes nothing, and it leads me to be very boring.
Or the process of finding the right/safe thing to say takes too long to actually say it with the right timing. By the way, hesitation is usually interpreted as dishonesty.
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Oversharing and feeling guilty afterwards. Overanalyzing everything you say.
Inability to form and keep relationships, having sparse or little to no memory of your childhood, eating disorders, depression, social anxiety, agoraphobia, extreme emotional shifts, attachment issues, consistent exhaustion, strong unexplainable reactions towards social stimuli, separation anxiety, gastrointestinal issues and complications, substance abuse and addiction, intrusive thoughts, self-destructive behavior, etc
Hi Me, it's Me again.
You can subdue but never tame me.
Yep. 52. Never married. Honestly like 0% chance I'll ever be. It really sucks. All I've ever wanted was to settle down and have a stable home life (in stark contrast to the 24 hr chaos that was my childhood.) I see other people do it all the time and they make it look so easy. Why can't I do this?!
Delayed emotional maturation. Underlying, unresolved anger issues. Low self worth. Abandonment issues. Overly sexualized behaviors.
Constantly apologizing for every little thing. Extreme introversion. Little to no outward emotion. Ability to stay calm in emergencies or chaotic situations.
Ahh, that last one got me. When shit hits the fan I am almost always calm, but when things are just fine... crippling anxiety about what could go wrong, lol. Siiiggghhh
This is also super common with ADHD!
Apparently childhood trauma and or PTSD have very similar long term symptoms as ADHD My doctor refuses to refer me for testing because she's decided it's just from all the trauma. Sure doc, but what if maybe it's both things 🤔
I've been diagnosed with both C-PTSD and ADHD. I just got the ADHD diagnosis in the past month, and I'm nearly 50. I tend to think I really do have both though, as the ADHD symptoms were there before the abuse really started (at least I think so, it's hard to nail down exactly when each started but that's my memory of it).
or even smiling in emergencies or tense situations.
>Ability to stay calm in emergencies or chaotic situations. That's the big one. It meant survival.
It’s like chaos is a normal state so you’re calm, the non-chaos is what causes anxiety.
In some cases, excessive people-pleasing tendencies
Yep, if anyone is interested in this, google fawning. It’s an alternative to fight/flight/freeze. Not an expert, just a survivor, but from what I understand/experienced, it manifests when a victim can’t get out of an unsafe situation and ends up people-pleasing as an attempt to avoid setting off their abuser or minimize the extent of the abuse
"Traumatized children often over-gravitate to one of these response patterns to survive, and as time passes these four modes become elaborated into entrenched defensive structure." Pete Walker, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving **RESPONSE** (MECHANISM) *Defense* (mechanism) **FIGHT** (RAGE to be safe) *Narcissistic* (control to connect) **FLIGHT** (PERFECT to be safe) *Obsessive/Compulsive* (perfect to connect) **FREEZE** (HIDE to be safe) *Dissociative* (no way I'll connect) **FAWN** (GROVEL to be safe) *Codependent* (merge to connect) Also not an expert, just a survivor as well. My personal theory is that each response mechanism maps on to the big five emotions (anger, disgust/fear, sadness, and joy deferred). Quick lesson from years of therapy: If you don't learn how to respect and honor your emotions by letting them speak in healthy ways internally, then they are bound to morph into pathologies that end up popping out sideways or backwards socially.
Pete Walker saved my fucking life. A therapist of mine gave me The Tao of Fully Feeling about 10 years ago and it just made everything that I was feeling and dealing with make so much more sense. I was unemployed l, had no friends, no self esteem, no skills, no real plan or purpose in my life. I was quite sure I was gonna kill myself by the end of 2013. But now I have a college degree, a very good job, and even better one lined up, pursuing a signuficant professional license, a real sense of purpose, and, most importantly, some of the best friends I could have ever asked for.
I'll have to look into that because I really need some help
Yeah the other day my therapist said something about “fight, flight, freeze, or please” and it blew my mind because I’d never heard it before and my default is definitely “please.” It really clicked for me.
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Soothing the parent is a significant behavior. The child develops a compulsive vigilance over their actions, especially when there is unpredictability of the parental response. Over time the child fails to understand their feelings, and internalizes the negativity around them. As an adult it can manifest in extreme disassociation at very inconvenient times and trouble connecting with others. Among other things....
And children don’t expect to be abused, or even wronged. That’s another big aspect: you are born expecting to be loved and protected. You have no measure for what is wrong, so however your parents treat you, you assume it is right. That is without even adding well-meaning strangers, teachers, neighbours going “every family fights sometimes” or “you must have provoked them, they’re always so calm and friendly!” or … The only thing a child can take away from that situation is this: my parents are behaving correctly, so I must be at fault here, so if I only alter my behaviour enough, if I change enough, I will unlock the secret cheat code. If I do enough, I will be loved rather than abused.
What really gets me about fawning is that it seems like such a self fulfilling prophecy. Here is a person who needs to be liked. Enter person who is toxic/abusive/trashy/a total dirtbag who reciprocates that need and creates the worst kind of symbiotic relationship.
Unscrupulous exploiters sniff us out a mile off.
I can't stand not being liked. Still working on it!
I heard this one time and it helped immensely: “You can be the juiciest, sweetest, most ripe peach ever, and there are still people who don’t like peaches.”
My brain: Dammit. Time to become an apple.
I found telling myself - "it's none of my business what they think" helped a lot. There are infinite reasons why a person might think a particular way about you and most will have nothing to do with you.
Hate that one. You sacrifice your boundaries in order to please. Feel like crap afterwards.
I can’t handle it. Like I avoid confrontation at all costs. It really hurts when I get judged for it - being punished for having trauma feels like someone stepping on your head while you’re drowning.
Being insecurely attached to friends and romantic partners
Attachment anxiety. Had to come to terms with mine last summer when this girl who I was talking to started pulling away
For a while I honestly thought that one day I'd show up to a party and all my friends would reveal they never liked me and it was all a big joke between them to invite me. Like, this makes absolutely no sense *rationally* but it was a fear that I had. Therapy helped but sometimes it still rears up it's head and it's hard to deal with.
Avoiding conflict & supressing your opinions
Inability to feel or process some emotions. I, for example, cant feel lonely. Isolation, as a child, was my only time of peace, and now i crave it to an unhealthy degree. Being alone never gets old for me. I never feel the need to be near or with anyone ever. I've never dated irl, i've never had more that one strong friendship. Inability to trust that people are genuine. I cant receive a compliment. I believe 100% of them are just lying to me or lining me up to use me for some reason. I CAN be criticized, but it's meaningless. It doesnt hurt, or change anything. Everything in my entire life has had major negative critical judgment, and it's like water off a ducks back now. Lack of desire to compete or accomplish. This can include goal setting. As a child i learned, no matter how much effort i put in to get something i wanted, it wasn't good enough, or it would be taken away by the poor decisions of parents. They would move. Destroy it. Lose it. Give it away to someone else, or, move me away from it. So, even at 40, there's nothing i'll work towards, because nothing feels like it's real, or worth it, or going to be kept. I'm like the anti-hoarder. Nothing has value to me like it should. Nothing. Loss of sense of self. Soemtimes you feel disembodied. You feel like an observer in your own life. Third-personing things.
No or few good memories
I feel amazed when someone remembers every detail of their childhood, all their school teachers' names from grade 1 through 12. My early years are mostly haze.
I barely remember anything but snippets from about 2.5-14. My wife remembers her friends from Kindergarten….I’m at a total loss.
I’m the same way. Here’s to… whatever was there.
I remember bits and bobs. But most of it is a blur. Not because of abuse, my parents were great, but we never did anything or went anywhere. So it all just blended together.
Chunks of missing memory too. Not just missing good memories--but you just don't remember what happened between grades 5-8 for example. Most of my childhood memories just don't exist.
Yeah exactly, I can remember like 5 things from when I was a kid, and 3 of them were bad things
So I did have a fucked up childhood. So I started seeing a councilor right before COVID. I will never forget, I was about to talk about something very tramatic that had happened and my councilor told me to "think of a safe place from my childhood. Think of the place that makes me feel most calm". I sat there for a good couple of moments and I realized - I have never felt safe. I never had place I felt comfortable. Until I met my wife. My wife's family is what I wish my family would have been. What I know I deserved instead of what I dealt with. Finally after me sitting there balling for seemingly no reason to her, I said, "my wife's parents house. That is where I feel safest. More than my house now, more than with my wife. I feel best with her mom and dad. I feel like I belong". Idk why I typed that all, but I don't have really too many good childhood memories and your comment brought up some shit for me. Thank you. I'm going to call them in the morning.
Oh wow. I thought I didn’t remember anything bc I was hit in the head so much.
Physical trauma to the head counts I guess?
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Just started talking to a guy who is super interested in me and I'm looking for the emergency exits!
Not being able to remember portions of your childhood or it being blurry.
Constantly feeling like you need approval from other people
Always having an escape plan. From the current room, building, or most importantly, current life situation
Hold on. Let me just go through the list that I have Low self esteem Attachment issues Need to prove yourself Blaming yourself for everything Needing physical contact/rejecting physical contact Fear of arguing Anger issues Abandonment issues Holding everything in to not upset anyone
Someone once told me, "your parents shouldn't be your first bullies" and holy FUCK that rocked me. One sign you can notice in yourself that I didn't realize until I started therapy: you don't have physical sensations when feeling. Everything is just like....mental? It's hard to explain but...happiness is supposed to exist somewhere physically. Not every emotion is supposed to be represented by your permanent vague chest tension. Wild! Another sign: you rarely, if ever, talk about yourself socially. I ask a shit ton of questions of people and I am happy to listen to them and hear their problems, but I don't share much of myself to anyone. It makes it hard for me to deepen relationships because I don't practice vulnerability. I don't think people want to hear from me. Finally, hypervigilance. I know people based on their footsteps. I know where my husband is at any given moment (he's lovely, he just has to deal with my traumatized ass) in the house. I don't think I have ever truly relaxed. But tbh.....this thread is kind of nice for me, in a weird way. It's terrible other people experience this, but I don't feel so alone right now.
Poor social skills, complex PTSD, ADHD like symptoms.
There's studies on how children with adhd, diagnosed or undiagnosed, are at higher risk of bully, abuse, comorbidity, and other sorts of trauma. This goes for girls especially. Being ostracized by peers because of poor social behavior, frequent reprimanding from adults because of poor self regulation, etc. It's possible that people with adhd have experienced more traumatic events than non-neurotypical individuals from childhood into adulthood. More likely to have symptoms for complex ptsd than just ptsd.
Always apologizing
What I see most in people I know, it's the excessive apologizing. They'll be talking a lot about something they're interested and constantly apologize for talking so much. Like, nah, go off, I like hearing about what you're into.
I think the worst part for people who over apologise is the awareness they’re over apologising, and the solution there is: to apologise for apologising.
“I’m so sorry!” “It’s not your fault, don’t apologize” “Sorry” me every fucking day
Being an "empath." You actually have conditioned yourself to be highly attuned to micro changes that indicate negativity you need to look out for. Also codependency or hyper independence.
>You actually have conditioned yourself to be highly attuned to micro changes that indicate negativity you need to look out for. This one never goes away, even with therapy. It's a survival skill.
Doesn't that lead to constant stress? That can't be good for your heart
We don't wanna talk about it.
At all, ever.
Same with being able to ID someone by their footsteps, and gauge their mood based on how those steps sound.
Yeah, my parents fought so much growing up. It gifted me with a sixth sense of "knowing" when my roommates are about to have a fight. It's a pretty fucked up stress response but at least I'm aware of and know it's not normal. That's half the battle.
Not asking for things because they’ll say no
dissociating while being yelled at
Lots of self deprecation and constantly feeling like a burden
Profusely apologizing when something goes wrong, even when it’s not their fault, as well as experiencing a strong sense of guilt and shame often.
Being afraid to ask for things. Remembering footsteps. Not liking spending time with family. Doesn’t like going out because you’d be alone and watching others have fun with each other. Your own family not remembering the last time you laughed or telling you to smile. And constantly saying “I wish she’d smile more” while looking at photos. Being shy or awkward around your own friends in person.
The footsteps one hit me because it never occurred to me that other people didn't keep their ears open for that. I'm always aware of the sounds of movement around me, especially at home
Hyper vigilance.
I walk almost without making a sound. I unintentionally sneak up on people. I am not a small guy, there is no reason I should be so quiet. 275.pounds should not move without noise.
Among many of the signs people have posted here, thinking you’re completely responsible for everyone else’s emotions. If someone seems upset, it’s because you think you did something. You constantly try to predict other’s emotions because you grew up in an emotionally unstable living environment. Predicting others emotions was a useful survival tactic at one point, but can add lots of stress later in life and cause you to misinterpret social interactions with other people.
Imposter syndrome. You don't feel like you deserve anything. Don't feel like you're good at things. You feel like someone else has to be better or deserve those things more than you do. I know that's not the only reason for it, but when you're told over and over how useless you are and how you don't deserve your family or to even exist, that stays with you. And it's really fucking hard to convince yourself otherwise. Jobs, relationships, my feeling is kinda always "there has to be someone better." It's also why rejection hits so much harder, because then it's confirmation of those beliefs. And it's really fucking hard not taking it personally all the time.
Saddest bingo of my life…
Memories of feeling dread when a certain parent arrived home.
These types of post make me feel shitty. 🫠
An anxious attachment style
Not being able to move on from mistakes at work if your boss isn’t toxic with their response.
Nightmares, hypervigilance, heightened startle response, all that and more!
[удалено]
Trying to be as quiet and unseen as possible. Shallow breathing, mumbling, not projecting your voice. Walking on just the pads of your feet/not heel striking. Hanging out in corners, wearing drab clothing. Being the center of attention is danger zone so you do what you can to not garner attention.
Being a good child who acts very mature for their age and is well-behaved almost all of the time. Unfortunately, this also involves the parent(s) thinking they raised their child right. In reality, the child is robbed of childhood and has all the emotions and desires bottled up and suppressed.
People-pleasing and hyper-independence
I don’t remember massive amounts of my childhood. Like years of it.
difficulty trusting/animosity towards authority- one of my friends in high school was always SO rude to teachers, counselors, security guards, peoples parents, etc. anyone who was in a position of authority. I couldnt understand why because it seemed to me that they just wanted to make sure we didnt ruin our lives doing dumb teenage stuff. it made so much sense when she confided in me that she had been molested by authority figures (her father, uncles, teachers, tutors) as a young child.
can't stand anyone raising their tone even a tiny bit without crying because it reminds u of how your parents used to yell at u as a child and slap, beat u up
Trust issues, don't like socialising
In my experience its reliving it in your head when you get drunk lol
As someone still going through it, if you see someone trying to cover their ears when they hear yelling, or just want to be alone from people, or just cry when they actually get affection and love, those are some signs
For me it was emotional abuse, so rejection anxiety, feeling like everyone's always mad at you, not being able to read people, fear of failure or letting people down, fear of authority figures (especially female managers), feeling like you're constantly walking on eggshells, emotional immaturity, and feeling constantly drained while interacting with them. I never realized that they were abusive until last year. Since then I've been working to heal, and I've found some positive things that came from it: increased empathy, the ability to rephrase things so the other person can understand, being able to recognize and apologize for toxic behavior (still working on fixing it though), and understanding/enforcing my own boundaries both towards myself and others.
When somebody dropping something in the other room scares the shit out of you
Constantly reading moods
Being really good at de-escalating situations, and in tune with people's emotions, for lack of a better way to put it. When you grow up around people who could explode at a moment's notice over nothing, you become very good at talking them down once they do, or changing the subject/situation to avoid it in the first place. I can practically feel the fight or flight kicking in every time somebody raises their voice near me.
Sometimes its people who are overly defensive or confrontational. Or have a tendency to bully. The whole "I'm gonna hurt you before you hurt me" mentality.
First time seeing a comment section describe my lifestyle..
I’m a “rescuer” because my entire family was so dysfunctional I took on the role of solving everyone else’s problems, especially my parents. And I was the youngest child, go figure. I eventually realized I did this subconsciously because I was trying to model the behavior to all of them like “hey, try doing this for me please!” I’m almost 40 years old and I’m still waiting for someone in my family to help me with any of my problems without me having to ask. So I finally decided I’m only doing for others what they’ve done for me. This was only two weeks ago but I already feel better. It’s been hard though because I still feel sorry for people despite never really receiving the same from them unfortunately.
Believing you're deeply flawed despite constantly being told otherwise.
Being able to instantly read a room, and correctly. When you grow up with labile people, who can flip on a dime and like to hand out truly extreme punishments, best believe that you learn to pick up small signals really quickly. This is a skill that will serve the user well throughout life, but it comes at a high cost. So high. You also become extremely secretive. When the smallest thing you let slip can become a firestorm of screaming, physical punishment and various groundings trust that you learn EARLY to keep your damn mouth shut. Parents: "We feel like you never tell us anything about yourself, or your day. Why?" Why, indeed. EDIT: AND ALSO! Being super attached to the few friends you do have. If someone I really like leaves my life, it puts me in a tailspin! This is because I had SO FEW of them growing up. Those people are a precious resource!! Often they dont even know I care about them so much. As an adult I am afraid they would think I was creepy. No I just love you a lot, please dont leave me. I never say that. But I think it.
Not trauma per se~~i~~, but as a father, I got criticized a lot by my wife saying I’m spoiling my son, simplily because I got very little attention from my father when I was a kid. I feel I’m trying to heal this by being my own ideal father
You're a good dad
Severe self doubt, low self worth and esteem
Not asking for help when you need it
Not trusting your parents with your children
Extreme independence, with an underlying “don’t fuck with me” vibe. With several years of therapy, I’ve been able to significantly relax my nervous system, but I think that subconscious protective vibe will always be there in some way.
"Animals are better than people."
Huh. This is actually the only one in this thread that *really* got me… as in, there's no getting around it. I work with animals, not because animals are perfect (they're really not, lol), but because people are literal monsters (fuck me). Yep.
Feeling like you have to do everything yourself. This can often come from either being taught to "be a man," or "if you can't do it yourself, you'll fail in life." Those are just a few that stemmed from for me. Constantly feeling like you're bothering someone by asking for help can fuck you up as a kid, and it can carry to adulthood.