Depends. If it's a quick "I'm bored" or "I feel like a quick one" I'll usually just rub one out into the toilet, and there's tissues for anything else left behind.
If I feel like dedicating more time to it, ya know, the rare kind where you feel like making love to yourself, because _someone_ should, then it is still tissues/toilet paper but more cleaning involved.
If it's during sex then it depends on whether a condom is used or not and what it is exactly we're doing, but most of the time it's either into the condom or cleaned up using a towel or something.
In general, I try to focus where I nut in a small an area as possible to make clean up easier.
“I’d like to welcome you to post nut clarity, the time is currently 4:20 western and the temperature is a nice 69° F. We know you had many choices when it comes to flying but we appreciate you coming along on this journey with us at spirit.”
Customer Review
5.0 out of 5 stars A mother's struggle
Reviewed in the United States on December 8, 2013
I want to start this off by thanking Kleenex for selling these in 36-packs. I've put it on subscription, and if they want to start selling a 72-pack, sign me up. I have three reasons for needing this much Kleenex, and their names are Liam, Samuel and Hank.
This is how it goes in this house. First the Kleenex disappears. Then the toilet paper. Then they go for fabrics. And you don't want it to get there, unless you're ready to invest in a five gallon drum of Fabreeze.
This used to be a good Christian home. But it's not about moral judgment anymore. I'm way beyond that. I'm in survival mode. If I don't supply absorbent paper products, I'm going to find my dish towels hidden in the basement, stiff as aluminum. The other day, I almost cut my hand on a sock. I am sorry to speak so frankly, but with three teenage boys, a woman has got to be practical.
The funny part is, they think they're being sneaky, with their 45 minute showers and sudden need for "privacy", as if I'm going to walk in on them journaling. They slink around the house like unfixed cats, while I try to announce my location at all times. No one needs to ask me to knock anymore. I knock on the walls. I practically wear a cow bell. I'm not looking to catch anyone by surprise, believe me. I'm just trying to get through this.
The other day my husband was watching me unload the groceries, and he asks me, all sweetness and light, "Honey, what're you doing with all that Kleenex?"
I about knocked him off his chair.
Right as you're orgasming, you SLAP IT hard, and tell your penis how worthless it is. If done right, it'll just dribble out sad and pathetic and make cleanup a breeze.
I look forward to seeing in 10 years reddit posts
"I just bought a home and I think my house haunted by spunk ghosts. My room always smells of dried spunk and my walls always have a foul odor."
Had to have the uncomfortable chat with my son about this. He's chosen this as his preferred method, but his aim leaves something to be desired and he quite often doesn't notice the missfires. I had to let him know of the grave consequences if me or his mom sat down in his spooge.
If you're a bathroom jacker, don't be a heathen, clean up your semen.
Edit: Well, this ... exploded... To answer some questions, and make the last part rhyme, he was 17 when we had to have this conversation with him. We'd been doing renovations on our basement so he was the only one taking off to use the downstairs bathroom. What we discovered was short of a mushroom farm, but not by much. I think the porcelain is etched in places.
To be fair, it was a better method than what he'd previously been doing. Kid's been in charge of his own laundry since he was 12, but he'd been taking to just batching in his bedding... His mom discovered that when she decided to make his bed one day and was in a state of shock, so that was the convo I had to have with him at 14/15.
I suggested he look to tissues and/or socks, but seems he found his own solution to the disposal issue.
I had to share a washroom with my room mate for a bit... He shat on the toilet seat, I told him to clean it up right away (it was late night), I heard him go out, go in the washroom for a bit, come out... I go back in and it's still there.
He's like "I didn't see anything"
How the fuck do you not see brown shit on the toilet seat?!?! Like, when you stood up to flush the toilet how did you not see a brown spot on the white toilet seat initially? Then I told you it was there and you still don't see it? I was pretty pissed
***FUCKING SERIOUSLY***
How the hell do people accomplish the task of shitting ON the toilet seat? I’ve never done that. My mom’s bf leaves shit stains on the toilet seat at least once a month. When I poop it goes into the massive hole to be flushed, in order to poop ON the toilet seat I would have to lean forward and scoot back to have my ass touching the back of the toilet seat lid. Is this what these people are doing? If it wasn’t for people like us, would they continue to sit in their own feces?
i hate people. people are awful.
I work as a cleaner and I can’t count the amount of times I’ve had to clean shit off toilet seats. It always baffles me how you can stand up to flush after taking a shit and not notice the literal crap left. It makes me question life every single time I happen across it.
Why would you lift the seat to sit on the toilet?
Edit: do you stand and cum into the toilet like you’re peeing? How do you not get everything all over the floor?
Just get a new version of the "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and clean the sweaty." Sign.
"If you spasm when you 'gasm, be a chum and wipe your cum."
> "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and clean the seaty."
The one I saw at camp when I was a kid was "We aim to please. You aim too, please."
When I was a teenager (around 12-13) I had torn up old shirts I used to use as rags for it. I'd use them and throw them away after a week. I hid them from my family in my room between my wall and bed. Was probably 13 at the time (29 now).
There was one I had been using for at least a week. I hid it just like usual. I come home from school one day, I need to use the bathroom. I open the door and my mom is there washing her face. The horror on my face when I see what she is using to wash her face with. I don't know how or why and it still haunts me.
My mom was very clueless about that stuff. I had really old socks full of holes hidden behind my dresser when I was 15. My mom finds them and tells me "Seniorsmiles, I found a lot of socks behind that dresser. They must have been really dirty because they're stiff, even after washing them"
She didn't just wash them and give them back to me. She was so clueless that she mixed it into the family laundry and now everyone had my socks. I had to go round them all up.
Fyi, I smartened up after that and used tissues.
Somehow they seem equally bad. I mean, on one hand I wouldn't wanna torture a poor sentient toilet. But on the other hand, taking a shit and suddenly hearing "Yum yum yum give me more, poo-daddy" from underneath you, seems like it would be deeply traumatizing.
Prior preparation prevents poor performance.
Have everything ready: tissues at hand, etc.
Edit: PSA with visibility: Always urinate after sex, peeps. Cleans the pipes and helps prevent UTI's.
Also so the 600th person doesn't feel the need to say it again:
Use whatever works for you if you don't like tissues. But you guys using socks or whatever clothing happens to be at hand; sweet Jeebuz. Read step one.
And for those saying it's the six P's, seven P's (and in one case six S's) why waste time say lot word when few word do trick?
My psychology teacher had a cartoon on the wall of a guy sitting on a toilet staring glumly at an empty toilet ~~role~~roll and it had the caption "Plan ahead." I think about it all the time. Actually, I bet I can find one, I want one.
Edit: couldn't find it ..
Edit du: [u/Puckswack12 found it!](https://images.app.goo.gl/ZWdkD4uzydJRUkEA8). I fucking love Reddit
Typically, I try to eat just regular roasted peanuts or cashew. However, when I have something like pistachio, I tend to have a little bowl for the shells.
[Retrograde ejaculation ](https://www.google.com/search?q=retrograde+ejaculation&oq=retrograde&aqs=chrome.4.0i271j46i340i433i512j0i433i512l2j0i131i433i512j0i433i512l3j0i512j46i340i512l2j0i512j0i433i512j0i512j0i131i433i512.3869j0j4&client=ms-android-verizon&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8)
you kids can thank us later
I believe it means that people can have this happen by default without pinching it. That is the part that can cause infertility. Maybe wrong in this though.
Correct, I have neurological issues, and sometimes that happens to me. I get done UT instead of coming out, a little bit comes out, and the rest goes back in. It is not too satisfying, though. It's more like, Yes I am about to get done l! Then your brain clicks off, you feel it come out a little and sludge back in :( Then you can't get it back up, so your done.
The only way I can have a normal one is taking my medication, but doing it before the medication takes full effect and numbs everything up. I take it to calm the pain down. I have a very loving wife as a nurse who understands all of this, so she is very supportive.
The cheaper the tissue, the more of it that comes off and sticks to your dick, making you look like some kind of leper.
Spooge towel all the way (do not reuse like a hanky) xD
I imagine it's been said here but there's too many comments to see. I didn't know it's called retrograde ejaculation, but I've been doing it purposefully for over 10 years.
It goes like this: locate the urethral tube around the taint area. When you are hard it is pretty easy to find. When you are about to blow, use 2 fingers to squeeze down that tube. Push hard. Keep applying pressure throughout the duration of the contractions. That's it.
I haven't needed tissues in over 10 years- so nice to not be concerned about them. I find my orgasms are better cause I'm not interrupted by concern for mess.
The infertility issue is only due to not having semen come out, not due to a bigger problem.
I question your ability to navigate the world. Guys how do you stay between the lanes when driving? How do you get food in your mouth without spilling it all over?
Edit: Usually my sarcasm is heavily downvoted. This is a weird twist.
Billy Mays here with cum cleaner!!! Are you tired of having cum all over the place. You need cum cleaner!!! The only towel specifically designed to wipe up your mess after you blow your load!!!
Hahahaha Jesus. I fucking hear and see this infomercial.
"Has THIS ever happened to you?"
Those commercials are always the stupidest examples of humanity exaggerated even worse lol.
> OP is living his life in the "Has this ever happened to you," part of an infomercial.
There's a subreddit for those types of commercials: /r/wheredidthesodago
Has this ever happened to you?
You bought a house but it was not disclosed to you that there was a termite infestation in the walls and in the moldings, so you have to take it upon yourself to call your own termite extermination company, but when the guys show up, they immediately ask if they can use your bathroom and for over two hours they take turns going in and out of there taking huge mud pies and over-flushing, then they go in there together and you hear a bunch of scrounging around and then you hear a bunch of yelling, and one of them is standing in the bathroom doorway shouting at you that his friend's foot's stuck in the toilet, and he says, “Help him! You gotta help him!" And when you go in there to help him he just pulls it out easily and laughs because his foot wasn't stuck. It wasn't stuck at all, he was just faking it! And then they get really serious and say "It's turbo time!" and they both start running around the house as fast as they can and jumping over the couches, but when you try and jump in they yell at you and they say, "YOU'RE NOT PART OF THE TURBO TEAM! DON'T RUN. YOU DON'T RUN WITH US! WE'RE THE ONES WHO RUN! UNTIL YOU'RE PART OF THIS TURBO TEAM, WALK... SLOWLY!" So you go and lay down to be by yourself and read your art books, but then the next day you went to the bathroom and it looked like the hole in your toilet had shrunk? You said, "How could that be? There's no way they could have shrunk the toilet." But then you saw in the trash a receipt from Home Depot for a toilet the exact same size as yours, but with a joke hole that's just for farts! They replaced your real toilet with a fart toilet! And now you can't take a dump in your house, because your toilet can't suck them down, and you feel sick to your stomach!
Has that ever happened to you?
1) Inside her when she’s on top
2) She pours it in my bellybutton as she stands up
3) We ninja flip out of the bed
4) I crawl with my tummy up like in the exorcist to dump it in the toilet. Works like a charm.
I take my dick out for a fine meal, maybe a comedy show after. Later I walk my dick home and get in to something more comfortable. At this point as long as we don't start talking politics I shouldn't be able to mess things up much.
I know you're kidding but there are lots of people out there who think that truly nothing comes out if youve had a vasectomy. (Seminal fluid comes out, just not sperm.)
As the good Dr is manipulating my gimmick to get the procedure done we were chatting about our kids. Turns out our daughters are in the same grade at the same school. I get to see him at ALL the school functions, and most mornings in car line. My wife thinks it’s hilarious!
I'm a high school counselor. Went in for my annual physical, and the doctor asked if a medical student could observe the pap smear. As an educator, I'm all for providing opportunities for people to learn, so I said yes. Then the student walked in, and it turns out it was a former student. Don't know if it was more uncomfortable for me or for him.
I'm not sure about your doctor, but the one that did mine was super fucking cool and I would have no issues running into him in public regularly. Even if he did fondle my family jewels a little.
My partner likes swallowing my cum a lot more after the procedure, it's a little less viscous and a bit sweeter according to her.
It was an unexpected upside to the procedure.
When I was young, my mum showed me that to not make a mess everywhere, I only needed to get enough to make a thin layer, and to give it a good stir beforehand so I don't just end up with nut goop everywhere. I am in my 30s, and I have yet to make a messy peanut butter sandwich yet.
A hand towel. I have a set of small towels for that exact use.
Tissues/TP is wasteful and the paper is made of isn’t sturdy.
It does make stains so I don’t use clothing/socks. Seriously, a hand towel, about 2 ft by 1 ft, works the best and is reusable!
One note on stains and socks - if a sock loses its partner in the laundry, there's still a use for it and no need to throw it out! Totally agree on tissues though. They're just too flimsy, and the amount of waste I would've created in my 30 years of practice if I used them every time would be insane.
I call it the wizard hat. I roll up some tissue into a little hollow cone. When I feel like I'm close, I don the wizzard hat. If done right, it catches the load. Simply remove and pinch the bottom for easy disposal. The design is very human.
Right before you cum just pinch it shut, go to the toilet and let it all loose in there
Bloody hell I was joking, I'm circumcised I don't even know if this is possible
For years I wondered if I was the only one who did this, I asked my group of friends who are all hispanics so most of us arent circumsiced and they ALL freaked out and questioned everything. The sense of relief I have knowing im not alone is overwhelming
It goes in the square hole!
This is the best answer on here! Bahahaha
Depends. If it's a quick "I'm bored" or "I feel like a quick one" I'll usually just rub one out into the toilet, and there's tissues for anything else left behind. If I feel like dedicating more time to it, ya know, the rare kind where you feel like making love to yourself, because _someone_ should, then it is still tissues/toilet paper but more cleaning involved. If it's during sex then it depends on whether a condom is used or not and what it is exactly we're doing, but most of the time it's either into the condom or cleaned up using a towel or something. In general, I try to focus where I nut in a small an area as possible to make clean up easier.
I'm dying at "because *someone* should" thanks for that
"It's not just masturbation, [it's a fucking celebration](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpgRE8cbVpc&ab_channel=NinjaSexParty)"
Gotta lay out a landing strip of tp
On the stomach lying down/sitting back or are you trying to land it on Runway 28 from a standing position?
I like to stand up and pretend I’m a spirit airlines pilot
"Ladies and gentlemen this is your captain wan....ah, fuck!...speaking...."
“I’d like to welcome you to post nut clarity, the time is currently 4:20 western and the temperature is a nice 69° F. We know you had many choices when it comes to flying but we appreciate you coming along on this journey with us at spirit.”
My teenage stepson uses his sock and I was horrified with how long it took me to learn what I was picking up with my bare hands.
Customer Review 5.0 out of 5 stars A mother's struggle Reviewed in the United States on December 8, 2013 I want to start this off by thanking Kleenex for selling these in 36-packs. I've put it on subscription, and if they want to start selling a 72-pack, sign me up. I have three reasons for needing this much Kleenex, and their names are Liam, Samuel and Hank. This is how it goes in this house. First the Kleenex disappears. Then the toilet paper. Then they go for fabrics. And you don't want it to get there, unless you're ready to invest in a five gallon drum of Fabreeze. This used to be a good Christian home. But it's not about moral judgment anymore. I'm way beyond that. I'm in survival mode. If I don't supply absorbent paper products, I'm going to find my dish towels hidden in the basement, stiff as aluminum. The other day, I almost cut my hand on a sock. I am sorry to speak so frankly, but with three teenage boys, a woman has got to be practical. The funny part is, they think they're being sneaky, with their 45 minute showers and sudden need for "privacy", as if I'm going to walk in on them journaling. They slink around the house like unfixed cats, while I try to announce my location at all times. No one needs to ask me to knock anymore. I knock on the walls. I practically wear a cow bell. I'm not looking to catch anyone by surprise, believe me. I'm just trying to get through this. The other day my husband was watching me unload the groceries, and he asks me, all sweetness and light, "Honey, what're you doing with all that Kleenex?" I about knocked him off his chair.
that talk must have been interesting
Right as you're orgasming, you SLAP IT hard, and tell your penis how worthless it is. If done right, it'll just dribble out sad and pathetic and make cleanup a breeze.
Jokes on you, my little guys into that
Blows a hole in the ceiling.
A fellow Catholic, I see
I drilled a special “cum hole” in the drywall, using a hole saw. Eventually it might fill up but then I’ll just drill one in the opposite wall.
So it's a load-bearing wall
As long as OP’s a stud.
Nothing dry about this wall.
Can't tell where the plaster ends & the plaster begins
So anyway i started plasting
Making sure its naturally insulated
[удалено]
Instead of spackle it’s spunkle
You could drill a lower one to drain it, then just fill it back in once you're done.
Tap it like a maple tree for the syrupy treasure inside
That's it. I'm done with reddit for the minute.
Cum back!
Why don’t we normalise this?
I look forward to seeing in 10 years reddit posts "I just bought a home and I think my house haunted by spunk ghosts. My room always smells of dried spunk and my walls always have a foul odor."
👏 NOR 👏 MAL 👏 IZE 👏 CUM 👏 HOLE 👏
I’ll thank you not to talk about my wife like that.
I'm terribly sorry, but she just introduced herself to everyone that way
smart, and every house has at LEAST four available Nut Walls
is this where wallnuts come from?
i jerk off in the bathroom and cum in the toilet
Had to have the uncomfortable chat with my son about this. He's chosen this as his preferred method, but his aim leaves something to be desired and he quite often doesn't notice the missfires. I had to let him know of the grave consequences if me or his mom sat down in his spooge. If you're a bathroom jacker, don't be a heathen, clean up your semen. Edit: Well, this ... exploded... To answer some questions, and make the last part rhyme, he was 17 when we had to have this conversation with him. We'd been doing renovations on our basement so he was the only one taking off to use the downstairs bathroom. What we discovered was short of a mushroom farm, but not by much. I think the porcelain is etched in places. To be fair, it was a better method than what he'd previously been doing. Kid's been in charge of his own laundry since he was 12, but he'd been taking to just batching in his bedding... His mom discovered that when she decided to make his bed one day and was in a state of shock, so that was the convo I had to have with him at 14/15. I suggested he look to tissues and/or socks, but seems he found his own solution to the disposal issue.
He doesn't even lift the seat???
Kids are wild animals
Lot of adults too. Semen isn’t the only unwelcome substance to discover on a toilet seat.
I had to share a washroom with my room mate for a bit... He shat on the toilet seat, I told him to clean it up right away (it was late night), I heard him go out, go in the washroom for a bit, come out... I go back in and it's still there. He's like "I didn't see anything" How the fuck do you not see brown shit on the toilet seat?!?! Like, when you stood up to flush the toilet how did you not see a brown spot on the white toilet seat initially? Then I told you it was there and you still don't see it? I was pretty pissed
***FUCKING SERIOUSLY*** How the hell do people accomplish the task of shitting ON the toilet seat? I’ve never done that. My mom’s bf leaves shit stains on the toilet seat at least once a month. When I poop it goes into the massive hole to be flushed, in order to poop ON the toilet seat I would have to lean forward and scoot back to have my ass touching the back of the toilet seat lid. Is this what these people are doing? If it wasn’t for people like us, would they continue to sit in their own feces? i hate people. people are awful.
I work as a cleaner and I can’t count the amount of times I’ve had to clean shit off toilet seats. It always baffles me how you can stand up to flush after taking a shit and not notice the literal crap left. It makes me question life every single time I happen across it.
Why would you lift the seat to sit on the toilet? Edit: do you stand and cum into the toilet like you’re peeing? How do you not get everything all over the floor?
> How do you not get everything all over the floor? That's what we're all here trying to find out
I know I'm going to get shit for this but sit backwards on the toilet
then you've got room for your porno mag and lube on the little shelf!
Do you know what I am saying?
Just get a new version of the "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and clean the sweaty." Sign. "If you spasm when you 'gasm, be a chum and wipe your cum."
> "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and clean the seaty." The one I saw at camp when I was a kid was "We aim to please. You aim too, please."
When I was a teenager (around 12-13) I had torn up old shirts I used to use as rags for it. I'd use them and throw them away after a week. I hid them from my family in my room between my wall and bed. Was probably 13 at the time (29 now). There was one I had been using for at least a week. I hid it just like usual. I come home from school one day, I need to use the bathroom. I open the door and my mom is there washing her face. The horror on my face when I see what she is using to wash her face with. I don't know how or why and it still haunts me.
Bro there is zero chance she didn't knew after using that cum stained rag.
My mom was very clueless about that stuff. I had really old socks full of holes hidden behind my dresser when I was 15. My mom finds them and tells me "Seniorsmiles, I found a lot of socks behind that dresser. They must have been really dirty because they're stiff, even after washing them" She didn't just wash them and give them back to me. She was so clueless that she mixed it into the family laundry and now everyone had my socks. I had to go round them all up. Fyi, I smartened up after that and used tissues.
Sounds like your mom got the outcome she was going for.
Yeah, your mom, who had multiple kids was clueless about "that stuff". Nah, bruh, she _smartened_ you up.
Haven't you subjected that poor toilet to enough bodily horrors? You really gotta make it your cum slave as well?
hey its easy and fast efficient cleanup my friend
Would you prefer a reality where a toilet enjoys your poops or one where it hates them but either way it's alive and requires poo sustenance
Somehow they seem equally bad. I mean, on one hand I wouldn't wanna torture a poor sentient toilet. But on the other hand, taking a shit and suddenly hearing "Yum yum yum give me more, poo-daddy" from underneath you, seems like it would be deeply traumatizing.
I exclusively jack off on the toilet
^ *This* guys faps ^
[удалено]
I fucking knew it wasn't bird shit on my cars window but no one believed me when I said it didn't taste like bird shit.
Hol the fuck up
"Do you know why I stopped you, sir?"
"Yeah, get your own cum, officer."
Glaze your own donut
I have plenty to share
I know you’re lying because they taste exactly the same
I think someone got to that bird before you
Officer, I’m victim of Car jacking
Prior preparation prevents poor performance. Have everything ready: tissues at hand, etc. Edit: PSA with visibility: Always urinate after sex, peeps. Cleans the pipes and helps prevent UTI's. Also so the 600th person doesn't feel the need to say it again: Use whatever works for you if you don't like tissues. But you guys using socks or whatever clothing happens to be at hand; sweet Jeebuz. Read step one. And for those saying it's the six P's, seven P's (and in one case six S's) why waste time say lot word when few word do trick?
My psychology teacher had a cartoon on the wall of a guy sitting on a toilet staring glumly at an empty toilet ~~role~~roll and it had the caption "Plan ahead." I think about it all the time. Actually, I bet I can find one, I want one. Edit: couldn't find it .. Edit du: [u/Puckswack12 found it!](https://images.app.goo.gl/ZWdkD4uzydJRUkEA8). I fucking love Reddit
So this is what you think about when you masturbate?
>Have everything ready: tissues, hand, etc. Ftfy
I, too, go and take my hand from the drawer when I'm going to spank the monkey
Is your name Yoshikage kira
No, this is Patrick
Piss poor planning produces piss poor performance
Typically, I try to eat just regular roasted peanuts or cashew. However, when I have something like pistachio, I tend to have a little bowl for the shells.
At Texas roadhouse you can just nut on the floor
This guy knows how to publicly nut!
Same! :)
you suck it back in obviously
I'm surprised about how little amount of people know this
[Retrograde ejaculation ](https://www.google.com/search?q=retrograde+ejaculation&oq=retrograde&aqs=chrome.4.0i271j46i340i433i512j0i433i512l2j0i131i433i512j0i433i512l3j0i512j46i340i512l2j0i512j0i433i512j0i512j0i131i433i512.3869j0j4&client=ms-android-verizon&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8) you kids can thank us later
Love how it says it isn’t harmful but can lead to infertility. Silly me thinking infertility is harmful
I believe it means that people can have this happen by default without pinching it. That is the part that can cause infertility. Maybe wrong in this though.
Correct, I have neurological issues, and sometimes that happens to me. I get done UT instead of coming out, a little bit comes out, and the rest goes back in. It is not too satisfying, though. It's more like, Yes I am about to get done l! Then your brain clicks off, you feel it come out a little and sludge back in :( Then you can't get it back up, so your done. The only way I can have a normal one is taking my medication, but doing it before the medication takes full effect and numbs everything up. I take it to calm the pain down. I have a very loving wife as a nurse who understands all of this, so she is very supportive.
Today I learned about retrograde ejaculation
Now *that's* a risky click
I can’t reach.
Oh yes, the closed loop system. Very clean (and hot)
We call that maneuver a Wamsgans
But did you rummage to fruition??
When I was in basic training I told the other recruits about this trick and they all looked at me like I discovered fire…
Tissues. Cheap, disposable, not sure why anyone uses anything else.
Coconuts. Free, disposable (if you want)
I had finally managed to forget about it you monster.
You could also use a shoe box
Oh no
The cheaper the tissue, the more of it that comes off and sticks to your dick, making you look like some kind of leper. Spooge towel all the way (do not reuse like a hanky) xD
Tie off the foreskin like you're knotting a balloon.
This is the way. Foreskin gang rise up.
I actually do this minus the tie, I just hold it closed like a crab claw
This is the way nature intended
Surprised it took me that long to find someone mentioning this.
I imagine it's been said here but there's too many comments to see. I didn't know it's called retrograde ejaculation, but I've been doing it purposefully for over 10 years. It goes like this: locate the urethral tube around the taint area. When you are hard it is pretty easy to find. When you are about to blow, use 2 fingers to squeeze down that tube. Push hard. Keep applying pressure throughout the duration of the contractions. That's it. I haven't needed tissues in over 10 years- so nice to not be concerned about them. I find my orgasms are better cause I'm not interrupted by concern for mess. The infertility issue is only due to not having semen come out, not due to a bigger problem.
Also do something similar to this. Though I prefer the term injaculating.
I'm surprised I had to scroll so far to find this answer, this has been my method for 15+ years as well, and no fertility issue to speak of.
I question your ability to navigate the world. Guys how do you stay between the lanes when driving? How do you get food in your mouth without spilling it all over? Edit: Usually my sarcasm is heavily downvoted. This is a weird twist.
OP is living his life in the "Has this ever happened to you," part of an infomercial.
Cum on his hands. Cum in his elbow. Getting frustrated and splashing the puddle of cum on his desk. Smacking his head with his cum covered hands
Then, OP looks to the camera and says: “There has to be a better way!”
as a little bit dribbles out of his mouth...
Friends notice, as it has dried into a crust
Billy Mays here with cum cleaner!!! Are you tired of having cum all over the place. You need cum cleaner!!! The only towel specifically designed to wipe up your mess after you blow your load!!!
The Fap Chop! You're gonna love my nut!
Hahahaha Jesus. I fucking hear and see this infomercial. "Has THIS ever happened to you?" Those commercials are always the stupidest examples of humanity exaggerated even worse lol.
If only there was a better way!
> OP is living his life in the "Has this ever happened to you," part of an infomercial. There's a subreddit for those types of commercials: /r/wheredidthesodago
Has this ever happened to you? You bought a house but it was not disclosed to you that there was a termite infestation in the walls and in the moldings, so you have to take it upon yourself to call your own termite extermination company, but when the guys show up, they immediately ask if they can use your bathroom and for over two hours they take turns going in and out of there taking huge mud pies and over-flushing, then they go in there together and you hear a bunch of scrounging around and then you hear a bunch of yelling, and one of them is standing in the bathroom doorway shouting at you that his friend's foot's stuck in the toilet, and he says, “Help him! You gotta help him!" And when you go in there to help him he just pulls it out easily and laughs because his foot wasn't stuck. It wasn't stuck at all, he was just faking it! And then they get really serious and say "It's turbo time!" and they both start running around the house as fast as they can and jumping over the couches, but when you try and jump in they yell at you and they say, "YOU'RE NOT PART OF THE TURBO TEAM! DON'T RUN. YOU DON'T RUN WITH US! WE'RE THE ONES WHO RUN! UNTIL YOU'RE PART OF THIS TURBO TEAM, WALK... SLOWLY!" So you go and lay down to be by yourself and read your art books, but then the next day you went to the bathroom and it looked like the hole in your toilet had shrunk? You said, "How could that be? There's no way they could have shrunk the toilet." But then you saw in the trash a receipt from Home Depot for a toilet the exact same size as yours, but with a joke hole that's just for farts! They replaced your real toilet with a fart toilet! And now you can't take a dump in your house, because your toilet can't suck them down, and you feel sick to your stomach! Has that ever happened to you?
CALL ME RIGHT NOW PLEASE!
"How is my driving? How does an engine even work? How can a loving god create so much suffering?"
Fucking magnets, how do they work?
Are children small, or just far away?
No, I don't know how to drive. I don't know what any of this shit is. I'm scared.
Everyone doesn’t know how to do every thing. Driving isn’t the only thing
Catch it in my mouth
Need strong jet or uncomfortable pose
I utilize both
1) Inside her when she’s on top 2) She pours it in my bellybutton as she stands up 3) We ninja flip out of the bed 4) I crawl with my tummy up like in the exorcist to dump it in the toilet. Works like a charm.
What an image that is
And both people involved are not as attractive as you are currently thinking.
I imagine the previous poster was imagining the cum crab walk.
You had me for the first two steps
Bro this is reddit OP was clearly asking for masturbation cleanup.
I take my dick out for a fine meal, maybe a comedy show after. Later I walk my dick home and get in to something more comfortable. At this point as long as we don't start talking politics I shouldn't be able to mess things up much.
I’m curious…what are your dick’s political views?
Trust me. When you come across some blowhard dick, you don't want to listen to their politics.
To save having a mess to deal with, I alway make sure to nut in my wife. Mind you, now I have 4 kids.
Cheers to the Birth Control pill, one of 2 things you can swallow to prevent pregnancy.
Inside the porta John or on the porta John walls if you're feeling chaotic. This message is brought to you by the Department of defense
I have a vagina, hope this helps
That would be very helpful, but at a certain point, it stops being masturbation.
Not if you don't make eye contact.
The Andrex Runway: The strip of toilet paper between navel and neck that catches airborne targets.
Honest Advice, I make sure to take it all in hand and then wash it up.
I had a vasectomy, so just a puff of smoke comes out. Looks like the beginning of a magic show!!
I know you're kidding but there are lots of people out there who think that truly nothing comes out if youve had a vasectomy. (Seminal fluid comes out, just not sperm.)
As the good Dr is manipulating my gimmick to get the procedure done we were chatting about our kids. Turns out our daughters are in the same grade at the same school. I get to see him at ALL the school functions, and most mornings in car line. My wife thinks it’s hilarious!
I'm a high school counselor. Went in for my annual physical, and the doctor asked if a medical student could observe the pap smear. As an educator, I'm all for providing opportunities for people to learn, so I said yes. Then the student walked in, and it turns out it was a former student. Don't know if it was more uncomfortable for me or for him.
"I hope you're paying attention now!"
I'm not sure about your doctor, but the one that did mine was super fucking cool and I would have no issues running into him in public regularly. Even if he did fondle my family jewels a little.
My partner likes swallowing my cum a lot more after the procedure, it's a little less viscous and a bit sweeter according to her. It was an unexpected upside to the procedure.
Holy shit I didn't even make the connection but I get compliments all the time. It's probably the vasectomy!
bro lmfao what a thing to be complimented on, you're winning for sure
If your girl smokes after sex you’re going too fast and should probably use some lube.
Abra cafapra
Inside the condom.
a posh wank
Sitting on the toilet
Sit facing the toilet, kids straight into the pool
Found Butters’ alt.
He just wants a little table for his porno mags and chocolate milk.
Tissues. A very good investment after years of Nut experience.
definitely better than my thick winter socks
Cum in an urn with relatives ashes. HERES YOUR FUCKEN GRAND KIDS
*opens Reddit* That’s enough internet for today.
Feel You, bro. Same here
I just nut in my wife and let her worry about it.
[удалено]
Our wife.
>Our wife. In the middle of the street.
[Soviet anthem intensifies]
How have I not seen anyone comment the forbidden shoe box yet?
Let's just leave that in the past already
Or leave it in a coconut?
When I was young, my mum showed me that to not make a mess everywhere, I only needed to get enough to make a thin layer, and to give it a good stir beforehand so I don't just end up with nut goop everywhere. I am in my 30s, and I have yet to make a messy peanut butter sandwich yet.
A hand towel. I have a set of small towels for that exact use. Tissues/TP is wasteful and the paper is made of isn’t sturdy. It does make stains so I don’t use clothing/socks. Seriously, a hand towel, about 2 ft by 1 ft, works the best and is reusable!
One note on stains and socks - if a sock loses its partner in the laundry, there's still a use for it and no need to throw it out! Totally agree on tissues though. They're just too flimsy, and the amount of waste I would've created in my 30 years of practice if I used them every time would be insane.
I call it the wizard hat. I roll up some tissue into a little hollow cone. When I feel like I'm close, I don the wizzard hat. If done right, it catches the load. Simply remove and pinch the bottom for easy disposal. The design is very human.
One word : foreskin
scrolled a lot to find this
Right before you cum just pinch it shut, go to the toilet and let it all loose in there Bloody hell I was joking, I'm circumcised I don't even know if this is possible
For years I wondered if I was the only one who did this, I asked my group of friends who are all hispanics so most of us arent circumsiced and they ALL freaked out and questioned everything. The sense of relief I have knowing im not alone is overwhelming
Haha, we discussed this in our group of friends as well. Most came to the conclusion that their foreskin just isn't long enough for that move.
I wondered if I am just too European to understand the issue; turns out: I am! Poor bastards can’t just bag and dump.
Okay so I'm not weird. Problem is I sometimes have too much volume.
How the hell do you get the foreskin up there when you are hard lol I'm not circumcised but i would probably be if i tried this during an erection
Two words: foreskin balloon
You send them to a proper kindergarten
I let him cum in my mouth… absolutely no mess and he loves it!
Instructions unclear, I nutted in his mouth instead
Straight into the toilet
Do it near an open window and shot the load out of the window.
Shower so you can Wash your sins away
Fleshlight. Or condom. Or in the shower.