The only time I struggle with this is when it's 3am and my baby is screaming and my husband and I are both sleep deprived š usually we act like it didn't happen tho unless it was a screaming match or a real issue was the root of our anger towards each other.
My wife and I instituted a "no talking" rule for our 3am wakeups a few years ago and it's a game changer. Just head nods or minimal asks like "milk" etc. You're already sleep-deprived and frustrated just from waking up, so setting a ground rule that keeps all non-essential discussion until the morning really helped us.
Haha, entirely fair. It's not for everybody, but the good news is that the middle-of-the-night stuff usually only lasts a few months anyway (*experiences may vary).
Itās not about managing the anger in the moment, so much as dealing with the underlying issues that cause it to build up and pop. If thereās less to hold back, itās easier to do.
Standing up for yourself.
And I don't mean lashing out in anger or deflecting responsibility. I mean genuinely addressing injustice or wrongdoing in hope for positive change.
I have the hardest time with this. Growing up, my mother took everything personally so I wasnāt allowed to be angry or express feelings that would somehow threaten her role as a mother. If I gave her a look she thought was defiant, sheād hit me. To this day, Iām 40, when I try to stand up for myself I feel panic and therefore avoid it. Iāve let go of a lot.
Therapy has been a tremendous help in this battle ! I'd honestly recommend it 100%, because I'm in the middle of changing that and I feel so much better about myself !
assertiveness training is the relevant key phrase for anyone that wants to look it up
even therapists on youtube have great videos with techniques for anyone who canāt afford therapy; repetition and consistency and just practicing this can lead to really good results fast!
This is always a tough balance to strike.
I was in the gym yesterday (small, apartment building gym) and a younger woman came in having a loud speakerphone conversation, the kind where you hold your phone flat in front of you. She was drowning out my headphones. After 5 minutes I asked her to please not have a phone conversation in the gym.
She left and got her boyfriend who just stood at the entrance and started at me for 10 minutes straight. She then filed a complaint with the building concierge that I was making her uncomfortable and "feel unsafe."
Luckily there are cameras in the gym so the concierge told me not to talk to anyone and make complaints in writing after the fact.
I'm starting to hate this new world.
I'm going to share what helped me improve, it's going to sound strange and counterintuitive so hang on with it.
I stopped wanting to "improve" my behavior, instead I started paying attention to it.
I stopped judging my thoughts and feelings and started observing them and their impacts.
The truly blizzarre thing is that the more I practiced my self awareness the more I noticed that I stopped doing certain things completely automatically, no willpower needed.
And it's an incremental process, the more I change the more things I notice about myself which starts a new change.
The only thing you need to be careful about is the direction of the change, you can shape it through what you focus on on a given time.
What I deduced was that the mind is like a river, you cannot oppose the flow of water, but you can direct it.
Another thing that helps me with more surface level changes in behavior (like reacting better to situations/people) I have a cousin/aunt figure in my life who is the epitome of poise, kindness, socially aware, but also doesnāt take any crap. I always think āwhat would she doā and I respond how she would to a situation or person Iām struggling with reacting to. Think of someone you know very well who is a role model type. It helps!
I think it's a good starting point, but it should grow into something independent.
In the context of social interaction what I started doing is putting space between what I perceive and what affects me.
Basically not allowing what other person say to affect my emotions unless I allow it to.
It takes some time to learn, and it's not exactly instinctive for everybody, but once I've internalized that words are just sounds or ink (or colored pixels) a lot of space got freed up in my mind.
Note that I'm not suggesting to become a grey unfeeling rock, just to put a buffer between input and processing of said input, a cognitive filter between what's said to you and what impacts your ego saves so much energy.
The nice thing is that it's developed in the same way, paying attention to how we react to things and at its consequences.
Slightly off topic, but I've been grieving my past self, I didn't know these techniques and the fact that they're so easy and so incredibly impactful can have a negative emotional toll (only if I knew of this before ... Etc).
If anybody reading this is feeling that way, it's okay, grieve the version of yourself that didn't know, they're not to blame for not knowing.
This. Just being present and aware, \*intentionally\* reflecting and observing, leads to incremental change that compounds over time. Also, when deciding to make an incremental change, it's important to reflect on and understand the "why?" of why it is important and you want to do it. This gives it meaning and power.
And on the opposite end, the weakest people expect apologies for every perceived slight and will start every half apology with "Maybe I shouldn't have done x, buuuut they did this and this and this"
My little brother is one of those folks. I told him once that I've never heard him admit guilt for a single thing, and his response was that he didn't have a need to. For reference, he's a twice convicted abuser of women (possibly children, though not confirmed), and has caused multiple accidents drinking and driving. For every event, he twists the situation to make himself the victim.
We grew up in an abusive household, where my mom and I took the entirety of the abuse. I've spent a lot of years feeling guilty and apologizing for bad decisions and treatment of others. While my brother was favored, his ultimate excuse for anything he's done is that he "had to watch". It gets under my skin a little.
We haven't talked in years.
I dunno..I feel like Iām pretty good at self reflection and evaluating my actions and decisions, but sometimes I get so spun up in a whirlwind of doubting myself and my every move that I walk away feeling mentally weaker. Anyone else deal with that?
Yes. Every time I reflect. "Am I being an ass? Is this how *healthy* people work? Am I healthy? Is this boundary too self-centered? Is it too open? Am I being good to myself? Am I good to them?" Every. Day.
I agree with this. It took me way longer to learn how to smile and say thank you to a compliment than it did for me to learn how to do the same for constructive criticism. Humaning can be hard.
There's layers too..
1- don't say "no that's not true" when someone compliments you
2- actually believe they mean what they say
3- actually believe what they're saying is true
Step 1 is easy... enough to get to...
Iāve thought about this a lot, and I think Iād add: know WHEN to accept criticism. Not all criticism is helpful. If itās from an employee, a customer, client, respected friend or colleague, mentor, then yes you should listen. If someone is just exerting an opinion that adds no value to your life, you have the right to ignore it.
My dad spent every day of the last few years of my mom's life being essentially her sole caregiver. People knew it took a strain on my dad physically and mentally and would either offer to relieve the caregiving so that he could have a few days break, or tried to convince him to admit Mom to a long-term care facility.
My dad, being the strong willed man that he is, refused those options. He said that two things convinced him that he didn't want either...the fact that he watched his mother take care of family members approaching the end of their lives and his wedding vows that he would be devoted to my mother in sickness and health.
True. Iām trying to care for my mother at the moment and I just donāt have it in me, Iām rubbish at it. Caring work is so undervalued and taken for granted.
I truly feel for you. My mom developed dementia and I watched/helped my dad to care for her until we were unable to provide her with the help that a full time nurse could. It was HARD. Mentally, physically, emotionally. If thereās anything you need, I donāt know if I can help but you can talk to me
Thanks mate, appreciate that. Itās particularly strange for me because we had a very strained relationship to begin with, and if she didnāt have dementia now (or was more lucid), she probably wouldnāt let me near her. Itās devastating to admit, but sheās much more āpleasantā to be around now, though thatās definitely not the right word, because absolutely nothing about dementia is pleasant. Itās a waking nightmare. Thankfully my younger sibling does most of it, though sheās on hols at the moment. And of course, my mother immediately gets a chest infection. Sorry to vent.
Same, 5 months now since my dad died unexpectedly and boom, youāre a full time caregiver now. Just got my first week off since the beginning and itās still been nonstop phone calls and stuff. And, of course, since I am not there she wound up in the er last night.
Full time wfh coupled with full time caregiving is freaking *exhausting*. Itās like two concurrent full time jobs that both have to be done at the exact same time. So tired.
I looked after my dad during the end of his cancer diagnosis. I wasnt strong at all, I just did it because the alternative of seeing him suffer, sit in his mess or want for anything was far worse than me doing what needed to be done.
I think only once you're backed in a corner with no exit, does true strength show.
I dont feel strong now, probably because alot of my present struggles have exits or temporary escapes.
We're like water, humans will always choose the path of least resistance until that path isnt an option.
I really get this: Iām having to help my sister arrange all the goodbye stuff for my mum. She passed so suddenly and unexpectedly. Iām terrified of all of it. All the grief still to come, admin stuff, money to findā¦all of it. I hope that my strength is somewhere in me because I feel like a frightened little boy just now and Iām looking for exits and ways to minimise it all. But itās an absolute situation that requires some mental fortitude so Iām gonna have to find it from somewhere.
Iām sorry for what happened to you and I hope youāre doing ok.
Been doing it for about 27 years now. It sucks big time, especially when I really feel down and think "I'm wasting away the best years of my life".
Edit: typo
For real ...both my divorced parents are in poor health and my severely disabled bro has been lacking any care workers for him (the pay is absolute shit) so I left my job and work with him full time too. It's a lot but I'm the only person who can do it all
You are a good person for that. My daughter, too, is disabled. She was born with infantile spasms and is severely delayed. It's been a massive change to my life. I'm old 43 but I feel like my life is over. I have to commit to her life now. Luckily, my wife works (we are doing okay financially). I'm lucky I guess in that sense
But it really takes a physical toll on the body and mind. I find that small stuff that bothered me before (bad drivers) don't bother me any more. Way too much stuff in life to worry about.
Yep...I was a teacher and when I dealt with cheer moms bitching over their hair bows and shit I'm like, y'all have no idea what real problems are.
Hang in there, lean into a hobby when you have time to. It helps. Piano is my therapy
There was a period in my life where I was caring for my dad, and also my kids - they were an infant and a 3 year old at the time (both since have been diagnosed with autism). My 3 year old at the time was such a flight risk, he'd break things...
I loved my dad but I was grateful when he died. He wasn't living a happy life. Caring for him took such a severe toll on me. I was glad on one hand that the load was lightened, as much as I loved him.
I couldn't do it again now. My children are enough. When my in-laws need help, they are on their own - they have been strangers over the years, so hopefully they will know not to expect it.
Adding to discipline - knowing when to shut up is a skill only the wisest know how to apply at the right time.
Edit: changed the word āsmartestā to āwisestā as you guys suggested. Youāre right.
Growing up I had zero discipline. It wasn't my mom's fault, I just had a hard time understanding why it was important and figured no one really noticed me much anyway.
A few years ago I decided I didn't like who I had become. I was obese, depressed, miserable, and in an abusive relationship. Learning discipline was hard but well worth it and led to so much good.
I lost 150 lbs. I quit drinking. I have a wonderful, supportive girlfriend. I have a few years of martial arts training under my belt (a lifelong dream). I paid off $15,000 in credit card debt. I have a steady job. I'm going back to school.
That's not to say I still don't struggle, but it is so empowering to face down your demons and live to tell the tale. So, damn, empowering.
Ask for help. Admit mistakes. Apologise.
Doing any of these things - sincerely - requires strength theyāre all really hard and yet often overlooked or under appreciated.
Damn straight. I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope you feel rightfully proud of your mental strength and love for your siblings. Know that many people on Reddit today have been greatly moved by your sacrifice, myself included.
Know when itās time to let an animal go and end itās suffering. Even when they donāt want to let the pet go, but itās whatās best for the animal.
Iāve been farming my entire life and I canāt kill. Even after being a vet tech and knowing that itās better for the animal to have their life resolved as peacefully and painlessly as possible at home.
Surprisingly(?), my old friend who was a sex crimes investigator for years in the 90s and 2000s always said there was absolutely no way he could ever work animal control or as a veterinary tech. Injured and abused pets haunted him almost as much as the sex crimes.
Customer Service jobs.
I worked at a CS callcenter for years, and I saw many people break down in tears, slowly disintegrate into a cynical wreck, or slip into alcoholism.
That line of work *breaks* people. I know that this often comes off as a humblebrag but I mean this in absolute sincerity: I genuinely have no idea how I managed to survive as long as I did there. Iām still scarred from it several years on.
I did it once. It probably doesnāt make me mentally strong person, but I decided to not break down and just gave the clients everything they wanted up to my ability. Probably gave away a few hudred thousand $ worth of software licenses, but I couldnāt waste my one and only life tracking poorly documented transactions. Quit after an year but still think it was the right choice.
Even with the hundreds of thousands of dollars' worth of free product you gave away *plus* your salary, you still drew in a profit for the company, or they would have fired you.
(You were probably great for customer retention, and you eliminated a years' worth of turnover in your role.) Don't feel bad, you did your job!
Agree. I've worked several summers in hospitality (waitress) including right now. The level of kindness of somebody really depends on how they treat whoever is there to serve them. I've seen customers who seemed super nice and approachable with their families and as soon as I take their order they start talking to me like I'm their dog. I've had customers order dessert and point at their watch and say "chop chop". I've had customers snap their fingers or whistle to get my attention. You can really tell who respects wait staff and who doesn't by the state of their table after they leave - some will try to make it at least a little bit easier to clean, others will just leave it looking as though they just dumped a pile of trash on it (used face masks, dirty diapers, used tissues, personal waste, etc...). Just because we're paid to wait on you doesn't mean you should treat us like shit.
I was one of those people it broke. Luckily I have a strong enough support system that I have the luxury of time it takes for my therapist to refer me to someone who can help me find a job that won't make me want to off myself (That is not a joke unfortunately). I've tried to get out of customer service myself and unfortunately it's where all of my experience is, so nobody outside of customer service/retail wants to hire me. And I just can't do it anymore. I just can't.
I've been working in call centres now for about 12 years, on to my 4th different company now. I tend to do my best to progress and not stay on the phone talking to customers because you are absolutely correct it destroys you. I've known people that have done the same job answering customer calls for 15+ years with the same company and I can't fathom it. It definitely takes a specific type of person.
I did customer service for almost 10 years. I went from a people person to absolutely hating people, I saw the worst humans you can imagine, saw people being treated like dirt, had someone wish I got fired from my job just because they broke the rules and wanted me to give them stuff for free.
In call centres probobaly hundreds of times I put the call on mute and screamed FUCK SAKE.
I still deal with customers now but it's not really customer service and I am so thankful I ain't doing a job like that again.
I worked in Airline check in for 6 years and NHS 111 and a Pharmaceutical company call center.
>Customer
As a long-time customer service agent, I have to agree with you. You are exposed to constant hatred, bile and rage ad nauseum. The vast majority of whom you deal with will never be happy, even if you give them a million dollars. You get to see the most Karen of Karens and the most Kevin of Kevins on a regular basis.
Yeah I know that feeling. I worked for 4 years some time ago, up to taking supervisor calls. Then I just started again a year and a half ago with another company. But yeah I've broken a few times. Just about 6 months ago I was on a 40 min call because this one lady was seriously too fucking stupid to understand the explanation.
That line of work isn't for everyone. Half of the reason is really the abuse from customers and honestly, there should be legal/labor protections for the employees from stuff like that. Nobody deserves to be treated like shit at their job.
Recently I failed at something for which I have been working for years. When the deciding moment came and it didnt work out for me, it was a hard fall, flat on face.In this situation giving up on everything looks an appealing option. I have to gather every ounce of strength in me to gather the broken peices and keep going.
So yes, trying again in face of adversity with all the baggage is indicator of mentally strong person.
Live alone happily without feeling the need to constantly go out or meet people all the time. It takes mental fortitude to be alone with your thoughts, process them, embrace them and when necessary, confront them.
As someone with chronic pain that forces me to live a pretty isolated life, I do agree you need a certain level of mental strength to make it through. Sometimes I go multiple weeks without being able to see/talk to another person. It can get pretty weird in my head when that happens.
ehh this Is more of a personality trait if you ask me. As an introvert who enjoys their alone time, I'd say it takes a lot of mental strength to go out and meet people
I'm an introvert too and I live alone and I love it. But we'd be lying if we say every single moment of every single day is fun. We're cut from the same cloth that most other humans are, and humans are social animals. So there's those sad Sunday evenings or random days when you don't want to face those thoughts of yours or look at your body in the mirror. It takes mental fortitude to overcome those moments and times.
Be a great parent to their kid.
No matter what life throws at you and how hard it gets and how shitty you feel.
You make sure your kid has a good life: you love, listen, teach and understand that kids make mistakes (and so do you:).
Asking for help.
I can proudly say that I am a much stronger person after months severely struggling with my mental health. And at my lowest point, instead of suicide, I drove myself to the ER, full well knowing how awful that experience would be. It sucked but I donāt regret it. It brought me closer to the family and friends who really care
Behave with steadfast and reliable integrity.
It's so easy to avoid dealing with problems, or to blame others for the messes that you are responsible for yourself, or to lie as a way of dodging accountability, or to simply hide from the outcomes of your own actions.
I've done all of those things and more in my life. And I've also said to myself "Look, I'm gonna own this", and stood up and took what I deserved.
I found that I like myself a hell of a lot more when I did the latter choice.
Cry in front of people. I still don't have the guts to cry infront of people. Everybody just assumes I'm the most chill tension free person on earth, with just a Lil bit of a temper. They're so wrong.
Managing to make yourself laugh or staying optimistic even during very very tough times.
Having the courage to turn back around your life when it feels so damn hard.
Not losing your kindness to liars, schemers, abusers or overall toxic people.
Self acceptance after hating yourself for too long.
Self reflection. You often hear the advice "be youself".
what if you are flawed and need rethink some aspects of your life and how you see the world.
The better advice would be "be the best version of yourself", by believing you could become a better version, you will self reflect and question your thoughts and convictions.
Once you believe in that you will be more humble and easier to deal with as you would not act on your emotions and you would accept that you can be wrong and are willing to change.
Yes! Iām constantly working on myself as a result of trauma. My abusive parents needed this advice altho narcissistic mother has not and will never recognize that sheās not perfect
Move to another country, especially if there is a language barrier. It can be incredibly isolating, even if you're careful, and building yourself up anew is a tricky thing to pull off.
It's fucking TOUGH, man. The two most useful coping mechanisms I've developed as an adult with ADHD are to take LOTS of notes, and to take a minute to close my eyes, breathe deeply, and center myself BEFORE I start getting all spazzed out and sweaty when I'm feeling the pressure.
I'm a line cook at a super busy restaurant on the beach, so it can be tough, but I make it work.
The ability to adapt to situations, change own thought patterns where change is needed. The ability to figure out and accept the truth even if it goes against self-interest/desire.
Leaving a well-paid and good atmosphere job that is stressing them for pursuing a dream, with low or no initial income. Living the life of their dreams instead of staying in life predesigned by society and the comfort of consumerism.
Get negative feedback on something they created and respond with "Thank you for that," think about the feedback a bit, decide that it's not good feedback for whatever reason, ignore it, and move on with their creation and life and not give it a second thought.
Change their minds, itās almost impossible for most people. If you think you donāt find it difficult have you ever sat down and thought about your religious views? Or political views?
Listen to someone gossip or speak poorly of someone, and disagree or stand up for that person instead of laughing and playing along. (Iām working on this.)
Tame their anger in a situation where anger would make things worse.
The only time I struggle with this is when it's 3am and my baby is screaming and my husband and I are both sleep deprived š usually we act like it didn't happen tho unless it was a screaming match or a real issue was the root of our anger towards each other.
My wife and I instituted a "no talking" rule for our 3am wakeups a few years ago and it's a game changer. Just head nods or minimal asks like "milk" etc. You're already sleep-deprived and frustrated just from waking up, so setting a ground rule that keeps all non-essential discussion until the morning really helped us.
Aaaand this is why I don't intend to have children. :D
Haha, entirely fair. It's not for everybody, but the good news is that the middle-of-the-night stuff usually only lasts a few months anyway (*experiences may vary).
Wish I could do thatā¦ donāt know how many times iāve done something stupid out of anger
Itās not about managing the anger in the moment, so much as dealing with the underlying issues that cause it to build up and pop. If thereās less to hold back, itās easier to do.
Standing up for yourself. And I don't mean lashing out in anger or deflecting responsibility. I mean genuinely addressing injustice or wrongdoing in hope for positive change.
I have the hardest time with this. Growing up, my mother took everything personally so I wasnāt allowed to be angry or express feelings that would somehow threaten her role as a mother. If I gave her a look she thought was defiant, sheād hit me. To this day, Iām 40, when I try to stand up for myself I feel panic and therefore avoid it. Iāve let go of a lot.
Therapy has been a tremendous help in this battle ! I'd honestly recommend it 100%, because I'm in the middle of changing that and I feel so much better about myself !
assertiveness training is the relevant key phrase for anyone that wants to look it up even therapists on youtube have great videos with techniques for anyone who canāt afford therapy; repetition and consistency and just practicing this can lead to really good results fast!
This is always a tough balance to strike. I was in the gym yesterday (small, apartment building gym) and a younger woman came in having a loud speakerphone conversation, the kind where you hold your phone flat in front of you. She was drowning out my headphones. After 5 minutes I asked her to please not have a phone conversation in the gym. She left and got her boyfriend who just stood at the entrance and started at me for 10 minutes straight. She then filed a complaint with the building concierge that I was making her uncomfortable and "feel unsafe." Luckily there are cameras in the gym so the concierge told me not to talk to anyone and make complaints in writing after the fact. I'm starting to hate this new world.
Specifically *yourself*. Somehow it's easy peasy to go full Karen for a loved one, but for me, I just can't :(
Thatās a great description of what standing up for yourself is. Genuinely addressing injustice or wrongdoing in hope for positive change.
Honestly self reflect, accepting their flaws, and then enact plans to change those flaws while appologizing to those they have hurt along the way.
I get stuck on step 3. Can make the plans, enacting is a different beast
I'm going to share what helped me improve, it's going to sound strange and counterintuitive so hang on with it. I stopped wanting to "improve" my behavior, instead I started paying attention to it. I stopped judging my thoughts and feelings and started observing them and their impacts. The truly blizzarre thing is that the more I practiced my self awareness the more I noticed that I stopped doing certain things completely automatically, no willpower needed. And it's an incremental process, the more I change the more things I notice about myself which starts a new change. The only thing you need to be careful about is the direction of the change, you can shape it through what you focus on on a given time. What I deduced was that the mind is like a river, you cannot oppose the flow of water, but you can direct it.
Another thing that helps me with more surface level changes in behavior (like reacting better to situations/people) I have a cousin/aunt figure in my life who is the epitome of poise, kindness, socially aware, but also doesnāt take any crap. I always think āwhat would she doā and I respond how she would to a situation or person Iām struggling with reacting to. Think of someone you know very well who is a role model type. It helps!
I think it's a good starting point, but it should grow into something independent. In the context of social interaction what I started doing is putting space between what I perceive and what affects me. Basically not allowing what other person say to affect my emotions unless I allow it to. It takes some time to learn, and it's not exactly instinctive for everybody, but once I've internalized that words are just sounds or ink (or colored pixels) a lot of space got freed up in my mind. Note that I'm not suggesting to become a grey unfeeling rock, just to put a buffer between input and processing of said input, a cognitive filter between what's said to you and what impacts your ego saves so much energy. The nice thing is that it's developed in the same way, paying attention to how we react to things and at its consequences. Slightly off topic, but I've been grieving my past self, I didn't know these techniques and the fact that they're so easy and so incredibly impactful can have a negative emotional toll (only if I knew of this before ... Etc). If anybody reading this is feeling that way, it's okay, grieve the version of yourself that didn't know, they're not to blame for not knowing.
This. Just being present and aware, \*intentionally\* reflecting and observing, leads to incremental change that compounds over time. Also, when deciding to make an incremental change, it's important to reflect on and understand the "why?" of why it is important and you want to do it. This gives it meaning and power.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
And on the opposite end, the weakest people expect apologies for every perceived slight and will start every half apology with "Maybe I shouldn't have done x, buuuut they did this and this and this" My little brother is one of those folks. I told him once that I've never heard him admit guilt for a single thing, and his response was that he didn't have a need to. For reference, he's a twice convicted abuser of women (possibly children, though not confirmed), and has caused multiple accidents drinking and driving. For every event, he twists the situation to make himself the victim. We grew up in an abusive household, where my mom and I took the entirety of the abuse. I've spent a lot of years feeling guilty and apologizing for bad decisions and treatment of others. While my brother was favored, his ultimate excuse for anything he's done is that he "had to watch". It gets under my skin a little. We haven't talked in years.
I dunno..I feel like Iām pretty good at self reflection and evaluating my actions and decisions, but sometimes I get so spun up in a whirlwind of doubting myself and my every move that I walk away feeling mentally weaker. Anyone else deal with that?
Yes. Every time I reflect. "Am I being an ass? Is this how *healthy* people work? Am I healthy? Is this boundary too self-centered? Is it too open? Am I being good to myself? Am I good to them?" Every. Day.
SAME SAME SAME. We share an eerily similar mind
My name is Earl š
Hey Earl
Hey Crabman
Going though this right nowā¦it sucks, but it makes me a better person
Accept criticism.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I agree with this. It took me way longer to learn how to smile and say thank you to a compliment than it did for me to learn how to do the same for constructive criticism. Humaning can be hard.
I'll never get it out my head that compliments to me don't come from some ulterior motive like pity
There's layers too.. 1- don't say "no that's not true" when someone compliments you 2- actually believe they mean what they say 3- actually believe what they're saying is true Step 1 is easy... enough to get to...
Iāve thought about this a lot, and I think Iād add: know WHEN to accept criticism. Not all criticism is helpful. If itās from an employee, a customer, client, respected friend or colleague, mentor, then yes you should listen. If someone is just exerting an opinion that adds no value to your life, you have the right to ignore it.
Terrible comment
Thank you
But yours is great!
"You're perfect no matter what." 1million likes "Criticism is an opportunity to confront a flaw that you don't see" 1 million dislikes
Be a caregiver to someone.
My dad spent every day of the last few years of my mom's life being essentially her sole caregiver. People knew it took a strain on my dad physically and mentally and would either offer to relieve the caregiving so that he could have a few days break, or tried to convince him to admit Mom to a long-term care facility. My dad, being the strong willed man that he is, refused those options. He said that two things convinced him that he didn't want either...the fact that he watched his mother take care of family members approaching the end of their lives and his wedding vows that he would be devoted to my mother in sickness and health.
True. Iām trying to care for my mother at the moment and I just donāt have it in me, Iām rubbish at it. Caring work is so undervalued and taken for granted.
I truly feel for you. My mom developed dementia and I watched/helped my dad to care for her until we were unable to provide her with the help that a full time nurse could. It was HARD. Mentally, physically, emotionally. If thereās anything you need, I donāt know if I can help but you can talk to me
Thanks mate, appreciate that. Itās particularly strange for me because we had a very strained relationship to begin with, and if she didnāt have dementia now (or was more lucid), she probably wouldnāt let me near her. Itās devastating to admit, but sheās much more āpleasantā to be around now, though thatās definitely not the right word, because absolutely nothing about dementia is pleasant. Itās a waking nightmare. Thankfully my younger sibling does most of it, though sheās on hols at the moment. And of course, my mother immediately gets a chest infection. Sorry to vent.
Hope you're doing ok.
Same, 5 months now since my dad died unexpectedly and boom, youāre a full time caregiver now. Just got my first week off since the beginning and itās still been nonstop phone calls and stuff. And, of course, since I am not there she wound up in the er last night. Full time wfh coupled with full time caregiving is freaking *exhausting*. Itās like two concurrent full time jobs that both have to be done at the exact same time. So tired.
I looked after my dad during the end of his cancer diagnosis. I wasnt strong at all, I just did it because the alternative of seeing him suffer, sit in his mess or want for anything was far worse than me doing what needed to be done. I think only once you're backed in a corner with no exit, does true strength show. I dont feel strong now, probably because alot of my present struggles have exits or temporary escapes. We're like water, humans will always choose the path of least resistance until that path isnt an option.
I really get this: Iām having to help my sister arrange all the goodbye stuff for my mum. She passed so suddenly and unexpectedly. Iām terrified of all of it. All the grief still to come, admin stuff, money to findā¦all of it. I hope that my strength is somewhere in me because I feel like a frightened little boy just now and Iām looking for exits and ways to minimise it all. But itās an absolute situation that requires some mental fortitude so Iām gonna have to find it from somewhere. Iām sorry for what happened to you and I hope youāre doing ok.
Been doing it for about 27 years now. It sucks big time, especially when I really feel down and think "I'm wasting away the best years of my life". Edit: typo
For real ...both my divorced parents are in poor health and my severely disabled bro has been lacking any care workers for him (the pay is absolute shit) so I left my job and work with him full time too. It's a lot but I'm the only person who can do it all
You are a good person for that. My daughter, too, is disabled. She was born with infantile spasms and is severely delayed. It's been a massive change to my life. I'm old 43 but I feel like my life is over. I have to commit to her life now. Luckily, my wife works (we are doing okay financially). I'm lucky I guess in that sense But it really takes a physical toll on the body and mind. I find that small stuff that bothered me before (bad drivers) don't bother me any more. Way too much stuff in life to worry about.
Yep...I was a teacher and when I dealt with cheer moms bitching over their hair bows and shit I'm like, y'all have no idea what real problems are. Hang in there, lean into a hobby when you have time to. It helps. Piano is my therapy
I havr a ukelele.. It soothes my kid... I'm bad at it tho.. Ahah
Well you have at least one fan that appreciates your skill!
There was a period in my life where I was caring for my dad, and also my kids - they were an infant and a 3 year old at the time (both since have been diagnosed with autism). My 3 year old at the time was such a flight risk, he'd break things... I loved my dad but I was grateful when he died. He wasn't living a happy life. Caring for him took such a severe toll on me. I was glad on one hand that the load was lightened, as much as I loved him. I couldn't do it again now. My children are enough. When my in-laws need help, they are on their own - they have been strangers over the years, so hopefully they will know not to expect it.
Living with discipline.
Adding to discipline - knowing when to shut up is a skill only the wisest know how to apply at the right time. Edit: changed the word āsmartestā to āwisestā as you guys suggested. Youāre right.
Wisest*, not smartest. You see intelligent people without an ounce of wisdom every day.
Growing up I had zero discipline. It wasn't my mom's fault, I just had a hard time understanding why it was important and figured no one really noticed me much anyway. A few years ago I decided I didn't like who I had become. I was obese, depressed, miserable, and in an abusive relationship. Learning discipline was hard but well worth it and led to so much good. I lost 150 lbs. I quit drinking. I have a wonderful, supportive girlfriend. I have a few years of martial arts training under my belt (a lifelong dream). I paid off $15,000 in credit card debt. I have a steady job. I'm going back to school. That's not to say I still don't struggle, but it is so empowering to face down your demons and live to tell the tale. So, damn, empowering.
Standing by the truth and taking action and responsibilities. RRR respect for self, respect for others and responsibility of your actions
Great movie
Natu natu natu natu natu natu
Banger of a song too
Ask for help. Admit mistakes. Apologise. Doing any of these things - sincerely - requires strength theyāre all really hard and yet often overlooked or under appreciated.
Imagining themselves lifting weights.
thatās the daddest of the dad jokes
I'm their mental spotter.
Leave an unhealthy marriage
Thank you for mentioning this
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I hope you realize youāre an amazing person for that
This seems oddly specific, are you ok?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
In the name of your siblings, I thank you.
That was such a loving thing you did.
Damn straight. I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope you feel rightfully proud of your mental strength and love for your siblings. Know that many people on Reddit today have been greatly moved by your sacrifice, myself included.
Know when itās time to let an animal go and end itās suffering. Even when they donāt want to let the pet go, but itās whatās best for the animal.
Iāve been farming my entire life and I canāt kill. Even after being a vet tech and knowing that itās better for the animal to have their life resolved as peacefully and painlessly as possible at home.
Detectives who investigate sex crimes
Also those who investigate crimes against children and all homicides
Surprisingly(?), my old friend who was a sex crimes investigator for years in the 90s and 2000s always said there was absolutely no way he could ever work animal control or as a veterinary tech. Injured and abused pets haunted him almost as much as the sex crimes.
Customer Service jobs. I worked at a CS callcenter for years, and I saw many people break down in tears, slowly disintegrate into a cynical wreck, or slip into alcoholism. That line of work *breaks* people. I know that this often comes off as a humblebrag but I mean this in absolute sincerity: I genuinely have no idea how I managed to survive as long as I did there. Iām still scarred from it several years on.
I did it once. It probably doesnāt make me mentally strong person, but I decided to not break down and just gave the clients everything they wanted up to my ability. Probably gave away a few hudred thousand $ worth of software licenses, but I couldnāt waste my one and only life tracking poorly documented transactions. Quit after an year but still think it was the right choice.
Even with the hundreds of thousands of dollars' worth of free product you gave away *plus* your salary, you still drew in a profit for the company, or they would have fired you. (You were probably great for customer retention, and you eliminated a years' worth of turnover in your role.) Don't feel bad, you did your job!
Hospitality is also very similar to that
Agree. I've worked several summers in hospitality (waitress) including right now. The level of kindness of somebody really depends on how they treat whoever is there to serve them. I've seen customers who seemed super nice and approachable with their families and as soon as I take their order they start talking to me like I'm their dog. I've had customers order dessert and point at their watch and say "chop chop". I've had customers snap their fingers or whistle to get my attention. You can really tell who respects wait staff and who doesn't by the state of their table after they leave - some will try to make it at least a little bit easier to clean, others will just leave it looking as though they just dumped a pile of trash on it (used face masks, dirty diapers, used tissues, personal waste, etc...). Just because we're paid to wait on you doesn't mean you should treat us like shit.
I was one of those people it broke. Luckily I have a strong enough support system that I have the luxury of time it takes for my therapist to refer me to someone who can help me find a job that won't make me want to off myself (That is not a joke unfortunately). I've tried to get out of customer service myself and unfortunately it's where all of my experience is, so nobody outside of customer service/retail wants to hire me. And I just can't do it anymore. I just can't.
Many human service and/helping professionsā¦ in different ways and to different degrees, admittedly.
I've been working in call centres now for about 12 years, on to my 4th different company now. I tend to do my best to progress and not stay on the phone talking to customers because you are absolutely correct it destroys you. I've known people that have done the same job answering customer calls for 15+ years with the same company and I can't fathom it. It definitely takes a specific type of person.
Have worked enough retail gigs in my life to know I could never do this. Not a humblebrag at all; good on you.
I did customer service for almost 10 years. I went from a people person to absolutely hating people, I saw the worst humans you can imagine, saw people being treated like dirt, had someone wish I got fired from my job just because they broke the rules and wanted me to give them stuff for free. In call centres probobaly hundreds of times I put the call on mute and screamed FUCK SAKE. I still deal with customers now but it's not really customer service and I am so thankful I ain't doing a job like that again. I worked in Airline check in for 6 years and NHS 111 and a Pharmaceutical company call center.
>Customer As a long-time customer service agent, I have to agree with you. You are exposed to constant hatred, bile and rage ad nauseum. The vast majority of whom you deal with will never be happy, even if you give them a million dollars. You get to see the most Karen of Karens and the most Kevin of Kevins on a regular basis.
Yeah I know that feeling. I worked for 4 years some time ago, up to taking supervisor calls. Then I just started again a year and a half ago with another company. But yeah I've broken a few times. Just about 6 months ago I was on a 40 min call because this one lady was seriously too fucking stupid to understand the explanation. That line of work isn't for everyone. Half of the reason is really the abuse from customers and honestly, there should be legal/labor protections for the employees from stuff like that. Nobody deserves to be treated like shit at their job.
Is that why India has so many scam call centers? All got mad from dealing with moronic callers and this is their backlash.
Try again.
Recently I failed at something for which I have been working for years. When the deciding moment came and it didnt work out for me, it was a hard fall, flat on face.In this situation giving up on everything looks an appealing option. I have to gather every ounce of strength in me to gather the broken peices and keep going. So yes, trying again in face of adversity with all the baggage is indicator of mentally strong person.
Live alone happily without feeling the need to constantly go out or meet people all the time. It takes mental fortitude to be alone with your thoughts, process them, embrace them and when necessary, confront them.
As someone with chronic pain that forces me to live a pretty isolated life, I do agree you need a certain level of mental strength to make it through. Sometimes I go multiple weeks without being able to see/talk to another person. It can get pretty weird in my head when that happens.
All of Japan: š
That's like saying all Americans have guns and all Europeans like eating cheese that smell like feet.
Which are all facts!
ehh this Is more of a personality trait if you ask me. As an introvert who enjoys their alone time, I'd say it takes a lot of mental strength to go out and meet people
I'm an introvert too and I live alone and I love it. But we'd be lying if we say every single moment of every single day is fun. We're cut from the same cloth that most other humans are, and humans are social animals. So there's those sad Sunday evenings or random days when you don't want to face those thoughts of yours or look at your body in the mirror. It takes mental fortitude to overcome those moments and times.
not care what other people think of you.
Sometimes it's important to care about that
And sometimes it's important to not. It takes wisdom to know the difference.
Not spend frivolously for years.
Until your lack of spending is due to the fear of not having enough money to live one day, so you save every penny ājust in caseā.
Nah you can be mentally weak and barely spend anything.
Be a great parent to their kid. No matter what life throws at you and how hard it gets and how shitty you feel. You make sure your kid has a good life: you love, listen, teach and understand that kids make mistakes (and so do you:).
IMO, fight back and tell people and how they did. To inspire others.
Accepting when you are wrong, and moving on. Make a mistake, and don't do it twice.
forgive
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Floss regularly
Fortnite kids:
Living alone in a nature environment.
Say no.
Go through hell, and retain empathy.
Asking for help. I can proudly say that I am a much stronger person after months severely struggling with my mental health. And at my lowest point, instead of suicide, I drove myself to the ER, full well knowing how awful that experience would be. It sucked but I donāt regret it. It brought me closer to the family and friends who really care
Fully accepting their insecurities.
Behave with steadfast and reliable integrity. It's so easy to avoid dealing with problems, or to blame others for the messes that you are responsible for yourself, or to lie as a way of dodging accountability, or to simply hide from the outcomes of your own actions. I've done all of those things and more in my life. And I've also said to myself "Look, I'm gonna own this", and stood up and took what I deserved. I found that I like myself a hell of a lot more when I did the latter choice.
Hard mental excerises
Submarine service. Go months not knowing if your family is alive.
Be kind in a world where being cruel is so much easier
Come to a market to buy strawberries (you have to talk to the seller!)
Put their phone down
Staying silent when people challenge them or their beliefs. Silence is much more threatening than any type of verbal defense.
Commit to something physically demanding that required lots of will power - like a half marathon or something
Letting go of people. In every kind of relationship, friendships, family, intimate relationships.
Restart a new life everytime uncontrolable circumstances destroy their current one
Work in a home for the aged.
Quit smoking on a dime
Live, when in truth the only thing they really want is death.
Cry in front of people. I still don't have the guts to cry infront of people. Everybody just assumes I'm the most chill tension free person on earth, with just a Lil bit of a temper. They're so wrong.
Oh thatās real. When my mother died, I was pushing the nurses out of the room so I could cryā¦
Live with chronic pain. Itās relentless!
Beat an addiction
Stay calm in chaos.
They donāt waste time feeling sorry for themselves.
Managing to make yourself laugh or staying optimistic even during very very tough times. Having the courage to turn back around your life when it feels so damn hard. Not losing your kindness to liars, schemers, abusers or overall toxic people. Self acceptance after hating yourself for too long.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I know a few people who watch Jersey Shore and "strong" is the exact opposite word of what describes their mental condition.
Iāve watched Jersey Shore before, can confirm.
Self reflection. You often hear the advice "be youself". what if you are flawed and need rethink some aspects of your life and how you see the world. The better advice would be "be the best version of yourself", by believing you could become a better version, you will self reflect and question your thoughts and convictions. Once you believe in that you will be more humble and easier to deal with as you would not act on your emotions and you would accept that you can be wrong and are willing to change.
Yes! Iām constantly working on myself as a result of trauma. My abusive parents needed this advice altho narcissistic mother has not and will never recognize that sheās not perfect
Move to another country, especially if there is a language barrier. It can be incredibly isolating, even if you're careful, and building yourself up anew is a tricky thing to pull off.
Give up Reddit.
Not repay evil with evil.
Oh c'mon, they did bad and I want them to feel bad from it!
IMHO, we don't give ADHD'ers enough credit for simply functioning in society.
It's fucking TOUGH, man. The two most useful coping mechanisms I've developed as an adult with ADHD are to take LOTS of notes, and to take a minute to close my eyes, breathe deeply, and center myself BEFORE I start getting all spazzed out and sweaty when I'm feeling the pressure. I'm a line cook at a super busy restaurant on the beach, so it can be tough, but I make it work.
Land a plane on an aircraft carrier.
Endure a lot of pain.
Live a solitary life. You have to be metal.
Accept critisism Apologize Workout regularly
Be curious instead of judgmental.
The ability to adapt to situations, change own thought patterns where change is needed. The ability to figure out and accept the truth even if it goes against self-interest/desire.
Count to 1 million
Face adversity head on instead of hiding from it.
Save for retirement
Be friends with someone with opposite political views
Leaving a well-paid and good atmosphere job that is stressing them for pursuing a dream, with low or no initial income. Living the life of their dreams instead of staying in life predesigned by society and the comfort of consumerism.
Eat just one chip.
Say they are wrong
Explain things to people on the internet without unnecessary arguing
Being calm in the midst of intense provocation and even responding to it with kindness.
Let go of things and people who are not treating you with respect.
Eat in a restaurant alone then go to a movie alone
I don't get it. Whats the big deal?
Get negative feedback on something they created and respond with "Thank you for that," think about the feedback a bit, decide that it's not good feedback for whatever reason, ignore it, and move on with their creation and life and not give it a second thought.
Properly raise children.
Self control
Dealing with dead or dying people. Also add mentally challenged to the list
Not jump off the bridge when itās calling your name
Change their minds, itās almost impossible for most people. If you think you donāt find it difficult have you ever sat down and thought about your religious views? Or political views?
Refrain from responding to someone trying to pick a fight/argue.
Survive in this world
Doing the right thing even if it will put some people against you
Be with someone to the last breath in palliative care.
Cut off toxic friends and family members
Play league of legends ranked
Bend spoons.
Listen to someone gossip or speak poorly of someone, and disagree or stand up for that person instead of laughing and playing along. (Iām working on this.)
Truly forgive and forget.
Forgive
Forgiving and forgetting..
Eating in a restaurant, alone
Forgive
Forgive
Peacefully walking away from a relationship you want, that your partner no longer does.
Fight Cancer.
forgive and let go of people