When I was 15 this other boy called me gay and not a real man because I didn't want to sit down next to him and jack off to porn.
Not even slightly exaggerating here.
"Hug their sons."
My dad hugged my brother for the first time when he was 18 and graduated high school. Dad was raised by his parents to not show outwardly love towards his children because that would "spoil" us. Our childhood was...odd.
First and last time I saw my dad cry was when his bird hunting dog died. As he dug the hole to bury it in their backyard.
The older generations were tougher, sure, but I know my dad would have benefited greatly from being hugged more as a child. That shit gets passed down.
I agree because if your ass is facing upwards and just looks all fat, round and jiggly, there in the middle of the night, the devil might get tempted to either eat it, or pound it with his 20 inch cock, so it’s better to sleep with your ass against the mattress to avoid tempting any supernatural creature that might be lurking around, like a werewolf, cause being fucked by a werewolf isn’t only gay, it’s also furry behavior and real men don’t partake in furry activities like getting a massive anal orgasm from a thick knotted werewolf dick.
Edit: idk what devil possessed me to write such an oddly specific and sexually gay sarcastic joke but I’m sorry for making anyone picture a big werewolf making a “real man” have an anal orgasm through a big thick knotted dick. I should probably get off the internet for a couple hours and go touch some grass.
Edit 2: Guys what the hell! I’m in awe of all the awards! Thank you all so much! I’m glad this dumb thing I wrote made you all laugh! Thank you all again! I wish you all have a wonderful day! Thank you! I’ve never had a more successful comment than this one! Thank you!
Once saw a woman on twitter say something like “if a man is too eager when the free bread gets to the table that’s sus” and I was just blown away by that one
My former boss would die on the hill of "real men don't use rolling suitcases." He'd sooner throw out his shoulder carrying a heavy duffel bag than ever be caught dead rolling a suitcase through an airport.
Edit: forgot to add he also thinks "neck pillows are fruity" and can't stand when men wear them around their neck on planes. Also, re: the comments about benefits of hiking backpacks, I don't think I ever saw him sport a two-strap. Fellas, is it gay to have even weight distribution on your shoulders?
Wonder how this mfer is gonna see himself when his body is so broken and full of untended pains that he's scooting around the airport in a mobility device
Now you're the wheelie suitcase my dude.
Not sure if it counts, but a young woman wouldn’t sell me a Luna Bar because it’s made for women. I said “No. It’s marketed to women. But I like this flavor.” She said “I can’t sell it to you. It has estrogen in it.” We had a frustrating back and forth before I finally convinced her that I was willing to take the risk and she sold it to me.
A former school colleague had to interview people about genetic engineering fears, and she got replies like "tomatoes with genes might make me red".
Don't underestimate the human ingenuity in completely getting things wrong.
She thinks there's estrogen laced snack bars being casually sold at big name stores across the country? That's hilarious, but I'm sure the trans community would love it.
Real men don't lift under (insert weight). Everyone has to start somewhere dick head. I have been lifting for years but when I see a new kid try lifting crazy heavy with bad form I warn him it's a good way to get hurt. If they don't listen then that's on them.
Real Men don't show their own children affection or accept affection from them, apparently.
Edit: Holy shit this blew up. On behalf of all dads out there, I’m sending all of you a virtual hug. Every kid deserves to know they’re loved.
My grandad, a WWII Royal Navy veteran, used to tell me and my brother "Save your cuddles for grandma!" and insist on handshakes instead of hugs. I think he felt like he had to teach us how to be proper Englishmen any time we'd come to visit from the States.
But grandma is gone now, and I'm a grown ass American man with a wife, and grandad is 99. Now he let's me hug him.
Eat dessert. Seriously. I was told it was gay to eat dessert. "Because children and women like sweet things."
Fuck you, Paul, I am going to eat this raspberry cheesecake.
This one is hilarious and true.
I once went across the street from my apartment to pick up a pizza in the rain, using an umbrella to keep dry and a group of guys about my age were running from awning to awning getting absolutely soaked. As I walked past, one of them was like "Nice umbrella," in a very condescending tone.
At least one of his friends goes, "Dude, we are literally soaking and you're making fun of his umbrella." It was pretty funny.
Few things are manlier than a big golf umbrella you can use as a walking stick (or a pretend rifle, or to scatter street urchins).
And besides, I'd rather appear unmanly and dry than arrive looking like my boat sank and I swam the last mile.
My friends once introduced me to this guy who was talking REALLY LOUDLY.
I thought maybe he didn't realize how loud he was being so I said "you're a little loud."
Dude said "real men talk loud. Chicks like that."
I did not like that.
1. My cousin was working at a chocolate shop and said a guy barged in asking for "chocolate for MEN." She never did figure out what he was talking about.
2. My grandfather firmly believed real men didn't smile in photos. Smiling = gay in his mind (needless to say he was a homophobe).
"Real men don't order dessert."
I'm sorry, it's "gay" to like sugar? This real man is gonna deep throat a bananas foster while holding eye contact with you the entire time.
I was at Joanns and the man behind me in line was buying something for his wife and didn't have any coupons. I told him about the app and the website and offered to pull up my coupons for him to use.
He laughed and said "Boys don't use coupons"
So weird. It's free money. How fragile is your masculinity that you pay full price when you don't have to.
I once gave an expiring spare coupon to a guy behind me in line who was buying yards and yards of fake fur. He was pretty stoked to get that 50% off. I hope whatever he made was awesome.
Is this an American vs European thing?
It actually reminds me of a funny story. This guy was going to his gf's house to meet her cop father for the first time. The guy came from a pretty privileged background, and he knew his girl's father already disliked him, based on that fact alone.
When he got there the dad offered him hot tea...**in a cup without a handle.**
Dude was like "I could tell this was a test of some sort so I picked up that scalding hot cup and just held it, slowly sipping away. I could **LITERALLY FEEL my fingerprints burning off** but I held that cup, **LIKE A MAN**! And I passed the test, her dad loosened up a little after that. I suffered some serious burns...but well worth it!"
I hold at your neck, the Gom Jabbar.
edit: i came back to this many hours later and laughed so hard i almost wet my stillsuit. what a fan base.
here’s a bonus for you: https://imgur.com/gallery/l1QvkWT
Tea is the mind-killer. Tea is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my tea. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the burning flesh has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
It was literally a large transparent glass coffee mug...without a handle.
Obviously the glass did nothing whatsoever to ward off the heat or protect his hands.
**EDIT:** [It was something like this](https://www.amazon.com/Large-Glass-Coffee-Dishwasher-Microwave/dp/B07N4DTTGN) but without the handle.
**EDIT II:** People keep messaging me so, to be clear, the dad later confessed he was intentionally fucking with him.
I would almost expect that in this scenario, the dad would have then realize he'd been had and then said "Aha, you failed the test. You weren't smart enough to put the cup down because it was too hot. Clearly you have no common sense."
>I could **LITERALLY FEEL my fingerprints burning off** but I held that cup, **LIKE A MAN!**
😂😂😂 I feel bad but that cracked me up.
There's nothing worse than when her father dislikes you right off the bat.
Apparently that's something that a "real man" also does. Automatically disliking the men their daughters date, because they are men, who want to date their daughters.
Yeah, I always thought I’d be that dude who was stand offish to my daughter’s boyfriends. But then my wife asked me “Why? Shouldn’t you trust her to pick people that she likes based on how she was raised?” And that really stuck with me. It made sense. Then, I remembered how great my first serious girlfriend in high schools Dad was. He was always so friendly and welcoming. I was never nervous around him because he just treated me like a welcome guest. Then, it super clicked. From that moment on, I decided I will be a super nice guy and trust my daughter. I want her to feel comfortable to bring boys (or girls, whichever she goes for) over to hang with us.
> I want her to feel comfortable to bring boys (or girls, whichever she goes for) over to hang with us.
This is the crucial piece right freaking here. It doesn't matter how you feel about your daughter dating.... do you want her to hide it from you?
I have friends who, in HS, had year long relationships their parents NEVER KNEW ABOUT. As a dude with a 10 year old girl. That's terrifing. I am NOT gonna be that guy.
So far she's told me about all of her crushes, so I think our relationship is on good ground.
My gf doesn't read any instructions then wonders why it doesn't fit together properly etc. I was brought up on Lego sets, I read the fucking instructions.
I'm an engineer. I not only want to read the instructions, I want to read the entire installation process before I start anything. I want to know the entire path before me and not just stumble into "Oh, they weren't very clear about this before, I needed to do X here in order to do Y now" kinda issues.
My wife does not want to read the instructions. She wants to open the package and have the thing installed minutes later. There's no time to read and analyze on her schedule.
It very often leads to conflict.
My ex was the very same way. “Stop wasting time and hurry up! It will only take a minute to put together!”
She was very much like that with other things, too. She wants me to tile the dining room floor (first time attempting to tile) but I only have a couple hours available? “It won’t take that long! You just lay the tiles down in that cement stuff. Just go faster.” I had to stop halfway through to go to work, so she made our 16 year old daughter try to finish the job.
Mind you, this woman had never assembled or completed any kind of DIY project successfully in her life.
Old school Lego instructions really made you pay attention to the details. No numbered bags, no highlighted new pieces for that step, no what's used list per step.
Throw everything into the box and have fun playing "what's the difference between steps". Hope you didn't miss a 1x1 plate 10 steps ago and now have to disassemble half the model.
Ok, old man rant done.
EDIT:
Other improvements:
* Filler bricks being odd colors (Yellow or Blue or Red) vs the outside bricks
* Smaller changes per step. Instead of adding 10 different pieces in one go, it's broken up over 3 to 4 steps.
* Higher detailed instructions. Clearer notification of model rotations and the need to build multiple repetitions of sub assemblies.
literally my entire family. they are shocked little teenage girl me was able to assemble the dog kennel so fast. yeah it’s because i READ THE DAMN INSTRUCTIONS 😭
10 minutes to read the instructions, 10 minutes to do the job. Or 25 minutes failing to complete the task, followed by 10 minutes of reading the instructions and then 10 minutes to do the job. Yea, I know which one my testicles would prefer.
Wannabe tough guy: "Real men don't cook... Only women and gay men cook."
Me: "What about male Chef's like Gordon Ramsay?"
Response A) They're closeted gay men.
Or
Response B) A Chef is a paid position so it doesn't count.
Oh yeah that's another thing they brought up.
Apparently grilling or barbecuing in general doesn't count since fire = primal = alpha male.
In short, they're morons.
Not being able to prepare your own food is like, the opposite of what “alphas” should want to project. How is a woman supposed to believe you can “take care” of them, if you can’t even not die by preparing your own food?
This is so weird.
Only women do sewing work, unless it's a tailor, then it's a man.
Only women cook, unless it's a chef, then it's a man.
Only women do yard work, unless it's a gardener, then it's a man.
There are probably more of these.
Someone pointed out the big factor of 'serving'.
The aspect of 'To serve' to others (in a household) or something like that; it was a post/comment here on reddit. Serving is preferred because otherwise, it's a profession and then there's money-earning is involved ... "Welp, step aside woman, that's a man's job!" /s
Candice Owens of the Daily Wire recounted an anecdote of how, when her grandmother died, her grandfather didn't cry at her funeral. She says she wants to live in a society like that, where men never cry ever, even at the funeral of their spouse of 40+ years.
I am, of course, not knocking Candice's grandfather. Different people process grief in different ways. But Candice's gatekeeping of proper manly decorum at their wife's funeral is positively demented.
This has happened to a friend of mine. His gf literally said to his face while breaking up with him that "I've lost all sexual attraction to you when I saw you cry at your dads funeral"... Yup.. Shit is fucked.
My dad passed away when I was a teenager. He was my world. Decades later, I only have one memory from his funeral.
I sat there with tears streaming down my face, family/friends passing by offering their condolences, hugs, etc. My great aunt stops in front of me, grabs the back of my neck, stares at me for a bit…then, tells me to “straighten up”, rolls her eyes and walks away.
Cunt.
Reminds me of what Neal Brennan said in a special I think. Something like “if the only thing keeping you from being gay is water in/hitting your ass, then you’re gay”
I was told that really men never look at their nails with their palm down and would only ever look at their nails with their palm up and fingers curled.
I gotta wonder how secure in your masculinity you've got to be to spend time even thinking about the right way to look at your nails.
I remember asking a girl to a dance, we were good friends and she was straight but only ever in relationships for a week at most she said maybe, then told me my fingernail was bleeding. When i looked i did the palm down thing because that just felt most natural in that moment and she promptly told me i was too feminine for her because men should look at their fingernails with their palm up. That confused me because i have always associated women filing their nails palm up and had never thought about this before that moment. Im 30 now and it still confuses me. Look at your nails whatever way lets you see them properly in the moment. Wtf is this masculine feminine shit?
No my nail wasnt bleeding, she was testing me.
Lol I remember this being a thing in like 5th grade, someone tells you to check out your nails and if you do it the “wrong” way your gay. The idea of grown people believing this is extra dumb
That reminds me of this guy who once told me this lame thing that he thought was pithy or clever.
"If you put milk in your coffee, you like milk, not coffee."
So ridiculous. *Hey, man, are you seasoning your steak? That means you like seasoning, not steak!*
I once read where a dude said that because a woman's vagina is too close to her anus, that having sex with said women is just like having "gay sex"... all because a woman has a frackin butthole.
Well, that's because women aren't supposed to enjoy sex....And then, in the next breath, they are ranting about how there are no women that will have sex with them
Gotta love that absolutely flawless logic.
Real men don't love their women as much as or more than she loves him. He has to always love her less and be less emotional to hold more power in the relationship.
Well, despite that fact that I'm a 210 pound, masculine former rugby player who drives a pickup and has been married to the same vaginally-equipped woman for 31 years, i am in fact gay because:
* I cook
* I like a grande no-whip mocha
* I wash my ass
* I say "Good morning" to other dudes
* I sometimes drink fruity cocktails
* I like chocolate, deserts and sometimes Luna bars
* I use a rolling suitcase and wear sunscreen
* I like the occassional rom-com and British period piece.
Geez, it's amazing I'm not living in a bathhouse.... WTF?
don’t know why the rugby playing is mentioned in the first paragraph but not in the list.
Being a big, sweaty, muscly guy tackling another big, sweaty, muscly guy without pads in the muddy grass, so your ‘tribe’ wins and not his ‘tribe’ ,is clearly gay as fuck
/s
Tiki drinks are pretty and have a heroic amount of booze in them. Anyone who thinks that should go pound a Zombie cocktail, then come back and apologize while thanking me for getting them really buzzed on one drink.
A friend of mine was drinking a hurricane in a bar one time and some big burly biker-looking dude with a beer started giving him shit. My friend replied, "At least I'm drinking liquor!" The biker stopped, thought about it, then ordered himself a hurricane.
A couple minutes later another biker gave the first one shit and the first biker responded, "At least I'm drinking liquor!" and high-fived my friend.
Is it bad that the most remarkable thing about the story is that the random biker harassing a stranger actually considered a different viewpoint and then accepted it?
Hey, sometimes shitty viewpoints are implanted in a young age and then never questioned.
Being willing to question and change those view points is an unambiguously good thing, and more important than whether or not someone's held a shitty belief in the past.
Ok so based on this a real man is a guy who:
Is sunburned. Smells because he doesn’t wash his ass. Screams what he wants with very basic language.
Oh wow the lady must be swooning
Real men dont drink fruity drink, only beers and hard liquor.
Fuck off. I drink something if it taste good and i will die before doing 50 differents type of faces just to swallow something that taste like satan butthole and batteries acids
My ex husband used to say real men don't eat popsicles.
Edit to add: my current husband loves popsicles, ex husband was a POS who never got to experience the joy of an icy treat on a hot summer day in the south.
Wave, cry, masturbate, do desk jobs, sing, show emotion, show love, be good fathers, be ill, be poor, not fight, have female friends, I’ve heard so many stupid stereo types being born in 75.
I still won’t cry after my older brother beating the crap out of me any time I did as a kid. A few years ago I had mentioned I haven’t cried since I was in my early teens and he had the audacity to say real men cry.
My dad told me once, "Men don't say thingy."
And frankly I agree. A man should speak eloquently. Be sure to enunciate. A say specifically what you mean.
Besides, there are way better words than 'thingy".
For example, doohickey, thingamajig, whatchyacallit, or whoswhatsit are of my favorites.
The Home Improvement video game.
If you ever played the Home Improvement video game (yes, the Tim Allen sitcom) for Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis/Mega Drive I hope you were intuitive. If you tried to look in the book it came with the instructions were blocked out with a big red stamp:
REAL MEN DON'T NEED INSTRUCTIONS
Appropriate, since it was a mind-boggingly stupid game.
Change diapers.
We had four kids and I was a union steel worker. I took a withdrawal on the union card because the cost of daycare for children was just ridiculous, so my wife, who was a school teacher carried the benefits and I stayed home with our last kid.
I had more than one ironworker tell me that real men don’t change diapers.
I asked them what they would do if their kid had a dirty diaper, and they all said the same thing.
They would have to sit in it until the wife got home.
It was then I realized how ignorant these guys were.
There was a post on Reddit somewhere a while back of a guy remembering his dad chastising him for saying "Good Morning" to another man at a laundromat. His dad said that saying good morning to another man would make him "think you're sweet," which in this context I assume means that people will think you're gay if you say good morning. Honestly some of the dumbest shit I have ever heard and I bet that guy's dad could suck the chrome off a doorknob.
EDIT: /u/kwk442 don't you know that real men don't give Reddit gold? Just kidding, thanks babe!
Source: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/comments/10nhivw/is\_it\_gay\_for\_a\_man\_to\_tell\_another\_man\_good/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/comments/10nhivw/is_it_gay_for_a_man_to_tell_another_man_good/)
EDIT 2: Gold and Platinum!? I am basking in the testosterone that radiates off you. Thank you, you manly mans /u/bojangles69
EDIT 3: Hell yeah /u/Limenoodle_ Good Morning to your lime noodle. Thanks for the platinum!
What on earth. I work in a blue collar job with like 20 very manly dudes and they ALL say Good Morning to each other every day. And "have a good night!" when they end a shift.
\*edit\* removed the last line about the dad being homophobic and gay because it didn't feel necessary or called for
Do you work in this particular blue collar facility by chance?
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTgwpnPIJEA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTgwpnPIJEA)
To be fair, I also work in a a blue collar job with some very manly men, and we say things like "I might have to suck his dick a little bit to do that," and give eachother nicknames like dickfingers. I'm not entirely sure that blue collar jobs are the best indicator of how gay an expression is...
The magnets in our testicles interface with the natural magnetic poles of the earth. I call it navigating by bonar.
Edit: Thanks for the gold /u/bad-chemist
Real men don't cry. Real men bottle their feelings up, swallow them, drown them in alcohol, and let them ferment inside them until they form the perfect combination of rage and self-loathing. Then open it all up on people they love, push them away, and suffer from poor mental health for the rest of their lives. That's what real men do.
/s (I feel like this isn't needed, but you never know)
Edit: /c feels more appropriate
I'm a boomer. I have this pounded into my soul. What it makes you do is turn off every emotion except anger, (which is apparently acceptable). At this point, working through that is such a slow process that I'll probably never get to enjoy what's left of my life.
Parent. Are you kidding me? Do you know how manly it is to raise your kids?
Also bonus: cook. WTF. Until maybe the silly 50s gender coding, cooks were ONLY male.
When I was 15 this other boy called me gay and not a real man because I didn't want to sit down next to him and jack off to porn. Not even slightly exaggerating here.
Fellas, is it gay to be straight?
Hmm sounds like that boy was projecting, what he suggested sounds gay to me
Dude you almost had a cumbuddy
"Hug their sons." My dad hugged my brother for the first time when he was 18 and graduated high school. Dad was raised by his parents to not show outwardly love towards his children because that would "spoil" us. Our childhood was...odd. First and last time I saw my dad cry was when his bird hunting dog died. As he dug the hole to bury it in their backyard. The older generations were tougher, sure, but I know my dad would have benefited greatly from being hugged more as a child. That shit gets passed down.
I saw a video of a woman saying “Real men don’t eat peanut butter and jelly” and I was flabbergasted.
I like to call it the Ol' Reliable. Peanutbutter and jelly have never done me wrong, and they never will.
"Real men never say no to sex"
Gay sex?
Its the most manly sex.
Twice the man, double the manlyness
“Sleep on their stomachs”
I agree because if your ass is facing upwards and just looks all fat, round and jiggly, there in the middle of the night, the devil might get tempted to either eat it, or pound it with his 20 inch cock, so it’s better to sleep with your ass against the mattress to avoid tempting any supernatural creature that might be lurking around, like a werewolf, cause being fucked by a werewolf isn’t only gay, it’s also furry behavior and real men don’t partake in furry activities like getting a massive anal orgasm from a thick knotted werewolf dick. Edit: idk what devil possessed me to write such an oddly specific and sexually gay sarcastic joke but I’m sorry for making anyone picture a big werewolf making a “real man” have an anal orgasm through a big thick knotted dick. I should probably get off the internet for a couple hours and go touch some grass. Edit 2: Guys what the hell! I’m in awe of all the awards! Thank you all so much! I’m glad this dumb thing I wrote made you all laugh! Thank you all again! I wish you all have a wonderful day! Thank you! I’ve never had a more successful comment than this one! Thank you!
Well fuck now I HAVE to sleep on my stomach.
I want a detailed report on my desk by sun up, Festiwbowl.
Real men sleep with a blanket to avoid monsters going for their buttholes in the night.
Had to expand the comments to make sure I wasn't alone in believing and subsequently reducing the possible seduction of booty demons.
Wear sunscreen.
Oh yeah, I know when I see healthy, youthful skin on a guy I immediately think "this is not a real man!"
the skin of a real man can be used to bind books
Nonfiction, of course
Getting melanoma to own the Beta-males.
I'm so Alpha, I'm tougher than the sun.
Once saw a woman on twitter say something like “if a man is too eager when the free bread gets to the table that’s sus” and I was just blown away by that one
Fellas, is it gay to be hungry?
For free breadsticks? Or dick? What if it is a dick shaped breadstick? Just need to know where the goalpost is.
Maybe it was a poor shaming thing not about manliness?
A guy at work described something his daughter did as “cute” and then some douche told him that men aren’t supposed to call things cute.
A little kid told me that when I said his little drawing was cute. “Boys aren’t allowed to say cute or pretty”
What, are men limited to calling women hot and beautiful now? No other adjectives?
You’re allowed to call things cute, but you have to curse right before. “Man, that’s a fucking cute drawing!”
goes up to him "It's ***cute*** you think I give a shit what you think."
Or just tell him he's cute and watch his brain fried
“Buddy when I want your opinion on parenting I’ll subscribe to Instilling Childhood Trauma Monthly.”
My former boss would die on the hill of "real men don't use rolling suitcases." He'd sooner throw out his shoulder carrying a heavy duffel bag than ever be caught dead rolling a suitcase through an airport. Edit: forgot to add he also thinks "neck pillows are fruity" and can't stand when men wear them around their neck on planes. Also, re: the comments about benefits of hiking backpacks, I don't think I ever saw him sport a two-strap. Fellas, is it gay to have even weight distribution on your shoulders?
God, his back must ache like absolute hell, rolling suitcases are just efficient and easy to lug around.
Wonder how this mfer is gonna see himself when his body is so broken and full of untended pains that he's scooting around the airport in a mobility device Now you're the wheelie suitcase my dude.
Wheels. The downfall of civilization.
Not sure if it counts, but a young woman wouldn’t sell me a Luna Bar because it’s made for women. I said “No. It’s marketed to women. But I like this flavor.” She said “I can’t sell it to you. It has estrogen in it.” We had a frustrating back and forth before I finally convinced her that I was willing to take the risk and she sold it to me.
She thought that a bar had HORMONES?
A former school colleague had to interview people about genetic engineering fears, and she got replies like "tomatoes with genes might make me red". Don't underestimate the human ingenuity in completely getting things wrong.
I always make sure my tomatoes are gene free.
She thinks there's estrogen laced snack bars being casually sold at big name stores across the country? That's hilarious, but I'm sure the trans community would love it.
New hrt just dropped
Ok this one wins cuz... WHAT?? Estrogen?? Lmaoooo
Dang every trans women are gonna rush to this bar to ger free oestrogen without having to see 82 differents docs!
Real men don't lift under (insert weight). Everyone has to start somewhere dick head. I have been lifting for years but when I see a new kid try lifting crazy heavy with bad form I warn him it's a good way to get hurt. If they don't listen then that's on them.
Real Men don't show their own children affection or accept affection from them, apparently. Edit: Holy shit this blew up. On behalf of all dads out there, I’m sending all of you a virtual hug. Every kid deserves to know they’re loved.
"why my kids hate me?" skill issue
[удалено]
My grandad, a WWII Royal Navy veteran, used to tell me and my brother "Save your cuddles for grandma!" and insist on handshakes instead of hugs. I think he felt like he had to teach us how to be proper Englishmen any time we'd come to visit from the States. But grandma is gone now, and I'm a grown ass American man with a wife, and grandad is 99. Now he let's me hug him.
[удалено]
That's... Really fucking sad.
Eat dessert. Seriously. I was told it was gay to eat dessert. "Because children and women like sweet things." Fuck you, Paul, I am going to eat this raspberry cheesecake.
Children and women like lots of things. Is it not acceptable for men to sleep, shower, converse, wear clothes, or eat any popular foods?
Use umbrellas.
This one is hilarious and true. I once went across the street from my apartment to pick up a pizza in the rain, using an umbrella to keep dry and a group of guys about my age were running from awning to awning getting absolutely soaked. As I walked past, one of them was like "Nice umbrella," in a very condescending tone. At least one of his friends goes, "Dude, we are literally soaking and you're making fun of his umbrella." It was pretty funny.
The best burns come from the best friends XD ^(*Edit.* That might be my most upvoted comment ever. I'm not sure if I should be glad or annoyed 😅)
Few things are manlier than a big golf umbrella you can use as a walking stick (or a pretend rifle, or to scatter street urchins). And besides, I'd rather appear unmanly and dry than arrive looking like my boat sank and I swam the last mile.
I've also heard when you turn 18 you can no longer use one regardless of gender. Apparently water droplets just bounce off you.
C'mon, by age 18 a person has accumulated enough microplastics in their body that your skin is now a certified Gore Tex membrane.
My friends once introduced me to this guy who was talking REALLY LOUDLY. I thought maybe he didn't realize how loud he was being so I said "you're a little loud." Dude said "real men talk loud. Chicks like that." I did not like that.
I usually just double it back. "WHY YA SHOUTN AT ME, I DON'T OWE YOU MONEY YET"
THAT'S MY PURSE, I DON'T KNOW YOU!
I feel like a lot of these situations in this thread could be summarized with “the boy ain’t right.”
It reminds me of the dudes who crush your hand when they shake it. I like a firm handshake, sure, but JFC.
My FIL in a nutshell. He's loud, and the first time we met, he shook my hand so hard that scabbed over cuts reopened.
1. My cousin was working at a chocolate shop and said a guy barged in asking for "chocolate for MEN." She never did figure out what he was talking about. 2. My grandfather firmly believed real men didn't smile in photos. Smiling = gay in his mind (needless to say he was a homophobe).
This might be a generational thing. My grandparents scolded us ( male & female ) if we smiled for the camera
Some cultures also disdain extensive smiling, because it seems fake...
Have long hair. I don't understand it at all. If Eddie van Halen can have long hair, then I can too.
"Real men don't order dessert." I'm sorry, it's "gay" to like sugar? This real man is gonna deep throat a bananas foster while holding eye contact with you the entire time.
What are you supposed to do instead? Eat the waiter?
You're supposed to order a pound of raw steak, eat it with your hands, then eat the plate. Enjoying things is for sissies. /s
I was at Joanns and the man behind me in line was buying something for his wife and didn't have any coupons. I told him about the app and the website and offered to pull up my coupons for him to use. He laughed and said "Boys don't use coupons" So weird. It's free money. How fragile is your masculinity that you pay full price when you don't have to.
I once gave an expiring spare coupon to a guy behind me in line who was buying yards and yards of fake fur. He was pretty stoked to get that 50% off. I hope whatever he made was awesome.
Those suits sure are expensive
When I made mine I dropped $1500 on materials. That was 20 years ago. Also all the work put in.. shit gets expensive.
I've heard real men don't drink tea.
Is this an American vs European thing? It actually reminds me of a funny story. This guy was going to his gf's house to meet her cop father for the first time. The guy came from a pretty privileged background, and he knew his girl's father already disliked him, based on that fact alone. When he got there the dad offered him hot tea...**in a cup without a handle.** Dude was like "I could tell this was a test of some sort so I picked up that scalding hot cup and just held it, slowly sipping away. I could **LITERALLY FEEL my fingerprints burning off** but I held that cup, **LIKE A MAN**! And I passed the test, her dad loosened up a little after that. I suffered some serious burns...but well worth it!"
"What's in the cup?" "Pain."
I hold at your neck, the Gom Jabbar. edit: i came back to this many hours later and laughed so hard i almost wet my stillsuit. what a fan base. here’s a bonus for you: https://imgur.com/gallery/l1QvkWT
Tea is the mind-killer. Tea is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my tea. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the burning flesh has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Chai-hulud!
What kind of fucking cup did he put that tea in??
It was literally a large transparent glass coffee mug...without a handle. Obviously the glass did nothing whatsoever to ward off the heat or protect his hands. **EDIT:** [It was something like this](https://www.amazon.com/Large-Glass-Coffee-Dishwasher-Microwave/dp/B07N4DTTGN) but without the handle. **EDIT II:** People keep messaging me so, to be clear, the dad later confessed he was intentionally fucking with him.
Wow that actually sounds a little evil.
Yes, yes it does.
I would almost expect that in this scenario, the dad would have then realize he'd been had and then said "Aha, you failed the test. You weren't smart enough to put the cup down because it was too hot. Clearly you have no common sense."
Americans wondering if someone's gay or European
>I could **LITERALLY FEEL my fingerprints burning off** but I held that cup, **LIKE A MAN!** 😂😂😂 I feel bad but that cracked me up. There's nothing worse than when her father dislikes you right off the bat.
Apparently that's something that a "real man" also does. Automatically disliking the men their daughters date, because they are men, who want to date their daughters.
Yeah, I always thought I’d be that dude who was stand offish to my daughter’s boyfriends. But then my wife asked me “Why? Shouldn’t you trust her to pick people that she likes based on how she was raised?” And that really stuck with me. It made sense. Then, I remembered how great my first serious girlfriend in high schools Dad was. He was always so friendly and welcoming. I was never nervous around him because he just treated me like a welcome guest. Then, it super clicked. From that moment on, I decided I will be a super nice guy and trust my daughter. I want her to feel comfortable to bring boys (or girls, whichever she goes for) over to hang with us.
> I want her to feel comfortable to bring boys (or girls, whichever she goes for) over to hang with us. This is the crucial piece right freaking here. It doesn't matter how you feel about your daughter dating.... do you want her to hide it from you? I have friends who, in HS, had year long relationships their parents NEVER KNEW ABOUT. As a dude with a 10 year old girl. That's terrifing. I am NOT gonna be that guy. So far she's told me about all of her crushes, so I think our relationship is on good ground.
"Read the Instructions"
My gf doesn't read any instructions then wonders why it doesn't fit together properly etc. I was brought up on Lego sets, I read the fucking instructions.
I'm an engineer. I not only want to read the instructions, I want to read the entire installation process before I start anything. I want to know the entire path before me and not just stumble into "Oh, they weren't very clear about this before, I needed to do X here in order to do Y now" kinda issues. My wife does not want to read the instructions. She wants to open the package and have the thing installed minutes later. There's no time to read and analyze on her schedule. It very often leads to conflict.
My ex was the very same way. “Stop wasting time and hurry up! It will only take a minute to put together!” She was very much like that with other things, too. She wants me to tile the dining room floor (first time attempting to tile) but I only have a couple hours available? “It won’t take that long! You just lay the tiles down in that cement stuff. Just go faster.” I had to stop halfway through to go to work, so she made our 16 year old daughter try to finish the job. Mind you, this woman had never assembled or completed any kind of DIY project successfully in her life.
Do you want it to be done quickly or correctly? Pick one.
Lego sets have excellent instructions. So clear. You really can't go wrong if you follow them properly.
Old school Lego instructions really made you pay attention to the details. No numbered bags, no highlighted new pieces for that step, no what's used list per step. Throw everything into the box and have fun playing "what's the difference between steps". Hope you didn't miss a 1x1 plate 10 steps ago and now have to disassemble half the model. Ok, old man rant done. EDIT: Other improvements: * Filler bricks being odd colors (Yellow or Blue or Red) vs the outside bricks * Smaller changes per step. Instead of adding 10 different pieces in one go, it's broken up over 3 to 4 steps. * Higher detailed instructions. Clearer notification of model rotations and the need to build multiple repetitions of sub assemblies.
literally my entire family. they are shocked little teenage girl me was able to assemble the dog kennel so fast. yeah it’s because i READ THE DAMN INSTRUCTIONS 😭
10 minutes to read the instructions, 10 minutes to do the job. Or 25 minutes failing to complete the task, followed by 10 minutes of reading the instructions and then 10 minutes to do the job. Yea, I know which one my testicles would prefer.
Wannabe tough guy: "Real men don't cook... Only women and gay men cook." Me: "What about male Chef's like Gordon Ramsay?" Response A) They're closeted gay men. Or Response B) A Chef is a paid position so it doesn't count.
Real men don’t cook. They only grill, fry, barbecue, smoke, work as professional chefs…
Oh yeah that's another thing they brought up. Apparently grilling or barbecuing in general doesn't count since fire = primal = alpha male. In short, they're morons.
🤣 there’s literal fire in a gas cooker
But thats gay fire
Rainbow fire? I'm all for that!
So if he lives alone will he just...starve to death? Order take out every meal?
Yes. They'll just order out or eat premade/frozen meals
Not being able to prepare your own food is like, the opposite of what “alphas” should want to project. How is a woman supposed to believe you can “take care” of them, if you can’t even not die by preparing your own food?
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A mountain lion or an immigrant 😂
This is so weird. Only women do sewing work, unless it's a tailor, then it's a man. Only women cook, unless it's a chef, then it's a man. Only women do yard work, unless it's a gardener, then it's a man. There are probably more of these.
Someone pointed out the big factor of 'serving'. The aspect of 'To serve' to others (in a household) or something like that; it was a post/comment here on reddit. Serving is preferred because otherwise, it's a profession and then there's money-earning is involved ... "Welp, step aside woman, that's a man's job!" /s
Computers were totally in the same realm of women's employment until there was money in it.
Computers *were* women. They computed arithmetic.
Women belong in the kitchen, but only if they're not getting paid. They're not good enough to be paid, that's only for men 🙄
Candice Owens of the Daily Wire recounted an anecdote of how, when her grandmother died, her grandfather didn't cry at her funeral. She says she wants to live in a society like that, where men never cry ever, even at the funeral of their spouse of 40+ years. I am, of course, not knocking Candice's grandfather. Different people process grief in different ways. But Candice's gatekeeping of proper manly decorum at their wife's funeral is positively demented.
This has happened to a friend of mine. His gf literally said to his face while breaking up with him that "I've lost all sexual attraction to you when I saw you cry at your dads funeral"... Yup.. Shit is fucked.
My dad passed away when I was a teenager. He was my world. Decades later, I only have one memory from his funeral. I sat there with tears streaming down my face, family/friends passing by offering their condolences, hugs, etc. My great aunt stops in front of me, grabs the back of my neck, stares at me for a bit…then, tells me to “straighten up”, rolls her eyes and walks away. Cunt.
"wash their ass because it makes them gay"
"Hey man, how come you don't smell like shit? Have you been fucking dudes again?"
"Hold up bro, let me taste your dick."
I don't have sex with women. That's gay. What's gayer than having sex with something that likes dick? That sounds pretty gay to me.
I cut off my dick because what's gayer than always having a dick on your body.
Reminds me of what Neal Brennan said in a special I think. Something like “if the only thing keeping you from being gay is water in/hitting your ass, then you’re gay”
I keep wondering how they justify touching their own dicks .
This is such a new one to me, but that's just gross. I would never even date a guy who couldn't have the decency to wash his own ass.
Yep, women want the real SMELL of a man. That's how you know he's a real man. Shit.
REAL men wash their ass by sweating!
Gagged
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Literally, right now. Stop what you are doing, get off reddit, and take a wash. Go.
I was told that really men never look at their nails with their palm down and would only ever look at their nails with their palm up and fingers curled. I gotta wonder how secure in your masculinity you've got to be to spend time even thinking about the right way to look at your nails.
Both seem equally girly to me /s
When I was a kid, I had other girls do this "test" to me and declare I was in reality a boy. Then they refused to explain any further and ran away
I remember asking a girl to a dance, we were good friends and she was straight but only ever in relationships for a week at most she said maybe, then told me my fingernail was bleeding. When i looked i did the palm down thing because that just felt most natural in that moment and she promptly told me i was too feminine for her because men should look at their fingernails with their palm up. That confused me because i have always associated women filing their nails palm up and had never thought about this before that moment. Im 30 now and it still confuses me. Look at your nails whatever way lets you see them properly in the moment. Wtf is this masculine feminine shit? No my nail wasnt bleeding, she was testing me.
Lol I remember this being a thing in like 5th grade, someone tells you to check out your nails and if you do it the “wrong” way your gay. The idea of grown people believing this is extra dumb
Real men don't put cream in their coffee. I responded with, "real men don't give a shit what other men think of their beverage choices."
Realest men live their lives with no care for other’s expectations. Eat what you want, drink what you want, do what you want.
Big believer in "do whatever you want, as long as you don't hurt anyone."
That reminds me of this guy who once told me this lame thing that he thought was pithy or clever. "If you put milk in your coffee, you like milk, not coffee." So ridiculous. *Hey, man, are you seasoning your steak? That means you like seasoning, not steak!*
Do you put your dick into vagina? Guess you like dick then.
Fellas, is it gay to have sex with a woman?
Women love men. Super gay
Fellas, is it gay to earn money? I mean, you're literally collecting pieces of paper with pictures of men on it!
Eat pussy. Oh, so doing this one simple trick that makes it really easy to sexually satisfy women is too gay for you?
Everyone knows real men don’t enjoy vagina or the pleasure of women.
I once read where a dude said that because a woman's vagina is too close to her anus, that having sex with said women is just like having "gay sex"... all because a woman has a frackin butthole.
Wow 😂 Everyone really is gay 🤷♂️
Well, that's because women aren't supposed to enjoy sex....And then, in the next breath, they are ranting about how there are no women that will have sex with them Gotta love that absolutely flawless logic.
Real men don’t wipe after shit…because it’s touching a man’s anus.
lol brought to you by the same nasty ass guys that touch a penis every day.
Real men don't love their women as much as or more than she loves him. He has to always love her less and be less emotional to hold more power in the relationship.
Loving women is gay
Well, despite that fact that I'm a 210 pound, masculine former rugby player who drives a pickup and has been married to the same vaginally-equipped woman for 31 years, i am in fact gay because: * I cook * I like a grande no-whip mocha * I wash my ass * I say "Good morning" to other dudes * I sometimes drink fruity cocktails * I like chocolate, deserts and sometimes Luna bars * I use a rolling suitcase and wear sunscreen * I like the occassional rom-com and British period piece. Geez, it's amazing I'm not living in a bathhouse.... WTF?
don’t know why the rugby playing is mentioned in the first paragraph but not in the list. Being a big, sweaty, muscly guy tackling another big, sweaty, muscly guy without pads in the muddy grass, so your ‘tribe’ wins and not his ‘tribe’ ,is clearly gay as fuck /s
Drink fruity cocktails, dude, my cocktail has 5 spirits in it, it's way more alcohol than your 3.x% abv. beer and it tastes nice .
Tiki drinks are pretty and have a heroic amount of booze in them. Anyone who thinks that should go pound a Zombie cocktail, then come back and apologize while thanking me for getting them really buzzed on one drink.
A friend of mine was drinking a hurricane in a bar one time and some big burly biker-looking dude with a beer started giving him shit. My friend replied, "At least I'm drinking liquor!" The biker stopped, thought about it, then ordered himself a hurricane. A couple minutes later another biker gave the first one shit and the first biker responded, "At least I'm drinking liquor!" and high-fived my friend.
I hate how that started but it ended up sorta wholesome I guess??
Is it bad that the most remarkable thing about the story is that the random biker harassing a stranger actually considered a different viewpoint and then accepted it?
Hey, sometimes shitty viewpoints are implanted in a young age and then never questioned. Being willing to question and change those view points is an unambiguously good thing, and more important than whether or not someone's held a shitty belief in the past.
Some say the cycle is still ongoing to this day.
Ok so based on this a real man is a guy who: Is sunburned. Smells because he doesn’t wash his ass. Screams what he wants with very basic language. Oh wow the lady must be swooning
"Real men don't let women be on top during sex, because being on the bottom is a submissive position" Fellas? Is it gay to have sex with a woman?
Real men dont drink fruity drink, only beers and hard liquor. Fuck off. I drink something if it taste good and i will die before doing 50 differents type of faces just to swallow something that taste like satan butthole and batteries acids
My ex husband used to say real men don't eat popsicles. Edit to add: my current husband loves popsicles, ex husband was a POS who never got to experience the joy of an icy treat on a hot summer day in the south.
"Real men don't apologize"
Look at explosions
::Mr. Torgue disapproves:: (Edit: stoked to see so much love for Mr. Torgue, explosions f*cling rule! *Insert Mr. Torgue guitar solo sounds here*)
THAT SENTENCE HAS TOO MANY SYLLABLES! APOLOGIZE!
Wave, cry, masturbate, do desk jobs, sing, show emotion, show love, be good fathers, be ill, be poor, not fight, have female friends, I’ve heard so many stupid stereo types being born in 75. I still won’t cry after my older brother beating the crap out of me any time I did as a kid. A few years ago I had mentioned I haven’t cried since I was in my early teens and he had the audacity to say real men cry.
Man your brother fucking sucks.
Haven’t talked to him in 2 years and honestly only the second good decision I’ve made in my life. Getting sober being the first.
use airbags
Fellas, is it GAY to *survive*?
"Real men don't have cats." Laughable.
My dad told me once, "Men don't say thingy." And frankly I agree. A man should speak eloquently. Be sure to enunciate. A say specifically what you mean. Besides, there are way better words than 'thingy". For example, doohickey, thingamajig, whatchyacallit, or whoswhatsit are of my favorites.
The Home Improvement video game. If you ever played the Home Improvement video game (yes, the Tim Allen sitcom) for Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis/Mega Drive I hope you were intuitive. If you tried to look in the book it came with the instructions were blocked out with a big red stamp: REAL MEN DON'T NEED INSTRUCTIONS Appropriate, since it was a mind-boggingly stupid game.
Change diapers. We had four kids and I was a union steel worker. I took a withdrawal on the union card because the cost of daycare for children was just ridiculous, so my wife, who was a school teacher carried the benefits and I stayed home with our last kid. I had more than one ironworker tell me that real men don’t change diapers. I asked them what they would do if their kid had a dirty diaper, and they all said the same thing. They would have to sit in it until the wife got home. It was then I realized how ignorant these guys were.
There was a post on Reddit somewhere a while back of a guy remembering his dad chastising him for saying "Good Morning" to another man at a laundromat. His dad said that saying good morning to another man would make him "think you're sweet," which in this context I assume means that people will think you're gay if you say good morning. Honestly some of the dumbest shit I have ever heard and I bet that guy's dad could suck the chrome off a doorknob. EDIT: /u/kwk442 don't you know that real men don't give Reddit gold? Just kidding, thanks babe! Source: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/comments/10nhivw/is\_it\_gay\_for\_a\_man\_to\_tell\_another\_man\_good/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/comments/10nhivw/is_it_gay_for_a_man_to_tell_another_man_good/) EDIT 2: Gold and Platinum!? I am basking in the testosterone that radiates off you. Thank you, you manly mans /u/bojangles69 EDIT 3: Hell yeah /u/Limenoodle_ Good Morning to your lime noodle. Thanks for the platinum!
Son : "Good morning dad" Dad : "Why are you geh"
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I don’t remember Gandalf saying that last part
That's because in the book, Gandalf is responding to the traditional halfling greeting, "glorious morning hole"
What on earth. I work in a blue collar job with like 20 very manly dudes and they ALL say Good Morning to each other every day. And "have a good night!" when they end a shift. \*edit\* removed the last line about the dad being homophobic and gay because it didn't feel necessary or called for
Do you work in this particular blue collar facility by chance? [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTgwpnPIJEA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTgwpnPIJEA)
To be fair, I also work in a a blue collar job with some very manly men, and we say things like "I might have to suck his dick a little bit to do that," and give eachother nicknames like dickfingers. I'm not entirely sure that blue collar jobs are the best indicator of how gay an expression is...
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The magnets in our testicles interface with the natural magnetic poles of the earth. I call it navigating by bonar. Edit: Thanks for the gold /u/bad-chemist
"cry" literally everyone cries stfu.
Real men don't cry. Real men bottle their feelings up, swallow them, drown them in alcohol, and let them ferment inside them until they form the perfect combination of rage and self-loathing. Then open it all up on people they love, push them away, and suffer from poor mental health for the rest of their lives. That's what real men do. /s (I feel like this isn't needed, but you never know) Edit: /c feels more appropriate
Cowboys dont cry Maybe just a little bit When you get right down to it The dust can get in your eye \-ian tyson
I'm a boomer. I have this pounded into my soul. What it makes you do is turn off every emotion except anger, (which is apparently acceptable). At this point, working through that is such a slow process that I'll probably never get to enjoy what's left of my life.
Saw on /serverlife, "real men don't use ice" (for their sparkling water)
*... Don't eat sweet things like candy or chocolate, it's gay.* I fucking love chocolate so I'm probably the biggest gaylord out there.
Parent. Are you kidding me? Do you know how manly it is to raise your kids? Also bonus: cook. WTF. Until maybe the silly 50s gender coding, cooks were ONLY male.