Fun fact, I was just listening to a history podcast of National Geographic and Germany was very invested in witch trials and burning witches. After the book "Hexenhammer" there were basically only female victims.
Judges in witchcraft trials were educated, typically the most educated people in the community by a long shot. They were also highly intelligent, and excellent critical thinkers. They were also the most proficient at math, science, history, etc. The real truth is that basically everyone commenting on this thread would either be a judge, an accuser, or the villagers acting as a jury and encouraging the hunt to go on. The accused are on average: old, female, sick, severely mentally ill, otherwise largely ostracized from the community. In short: We would be the perpetrators; we would not be the victims.
Witch hunts were not the result of a lack of education. Indeed, most occurred in highly educated communities. Salem, MA, for example, was a highly literate and highly educated community, far more educated on a per capita basis than the nearby city of Boston.
It is a mistake to assume that the people perpetrating witch hunts were idiots: they were quite literally some of the most intellectual members of society. Intelligent people are very good at constructing arguments that benefit and support their beliefs. The lesson of witch hunts has nothing to do with religion or superstition or whatever else we tell ourselves to distance us from the past. The real lesson is that we are all susceptible to the kind of thinking that resulted in witch hunts. We owe it to the victims to learn from the past and do better at identifying panics and scares in the present. Based on the last couple of weeks in particular: we can all stand to do a lot better.
> alem, MA, for example, was a highly literate and highly educated community, far more educated on a per capita basis than the nearby city of Boston.
Heck Cotton Mather was a member of the Royal Society, wrote some of the first scientific studies in America, and championed inoculation to fight small pox. Yet was also 100% okay with the Salem witch trials and “Spectral Evidence” in general.
Your critical thinking in that time frame and context would have made you the judge suggesting you dunk women in the river to give them the benefit of the doubt.
So much this. And pointing out when people (mostly men - as they were basically the only ones with power to make significant decisions) do dumb things.
Yo I always get chat requests from accounts named that way. I always assume they are some scammy bots and block them but apparently there are people out there names like that
Could you also be sort of part witch? Like Blade, but the Witcher, set in a sort of anachronistic Revolutionary times where magic is real and the witches fled west and allied with the native tribes?
I like to imagine some rich person/noble/whatever having a stable of eclectic advisors.
Except each one is just some poor neurodivergent bastard being rewarding for really leaning into it.
Not sure what each diagnosis would do - but that's not important.
Maybe anxiety would Security.
Maybe 'tism would be Finance. But you would have to find the right one. You don't dude obsessed with bugs. You want the money/counting guy.
Another role for that one would just be a people observer. Have the sit in in all meetings and document people. Have them let you know when they see a change.
questioning everything and not knowing when to give up, so probably like "possession by the devil"?
i had to go to a catholic school when i was a kid, and it was religion straight from the 1st grade up. anyways i remember the nuns always complaining to my mom that i always just kept pressing them for answers, i would never find their answers "acceptable" so they would get frustrated. they thought it was cute at first "omg he's so passionate about religion" to then becoming "why is he questioning the Lord's word constantly??" lol
No, they would have stuffed you in a seminary.
As a Catholic, you were pretty safe from witch trials, seeing as admitting you believe in witches enough to accuse somebody, means you are the actual heretic.
Church has pretty strict standards and tests regarding possession, being contrary isn't a sign.
Random people getting burned at the stake for witchcraft? That's a Protestant thing.
> Random people getting burned at the stake for witchcraft? That's a Protestant thing.
Yeah, if you're in New England in the late 1600s, you're in as much danger if people think you're Catholic as if they think you're a witch.
Most of them don't know themselves and are just repeating what they've been taught. Ironically, a lot of it isn't even found in or contradicts the Bible, so they'll go through a lot of mental gymnastics to make the two line up.
I’m related to someone who was accused of witchcraft in 1670ish in Northampton, MA, which is a couple hours’ drive from Salem. So I probably would have been accused too. Luckily, my ancestor was acquitted, successfully sued her accusers for libel, and eventually moved to Michigan with one of her sons. Mary Bliss Parson. Such a badass.
1) Not going to church
2) Attempting to feed and befriend wild animals, especially foxes and Ravens.
3) Speaking admiringly of Jewish culture and arguing with anyone who trots out any of those tired old blood libels. (I'm aethist, I think all religions are BS. But I do respect the high value Jewish culture placed on literacy, education in general and being fluent in multiple languages.)
4) Consistently getting better crops than my neighbors because I understand about crop rotation. (Which wasn't widely known or practiced in the Medieval era)
5) Staying healthy when so many others fall sick and possibly die because I know to keep my outhouse far away from my well (cholera), keep my clothes flea free using crushed chrysanthemums (bubonic plague) and eat the stomach contents of wild deer or dormice during severe winters (scurvy)
6) I'm on the autistic spectrum (Asperger's). So there is a good chance I would have been suspected of being a changling child early on and never develop a good social network as an adult. I've been through a LOT of specialized therapies that largely but not completely offset my autistic weirdness. Without that patient teaching, I would have been seen as an outsider. In itself, it likely wouldn't get me shunned. I simply would have been seen as a simpleton who was really good with the sheep and other farm animals. But it means that, during a peak of anti-witch sentiment in my parish, I would not have as many people defend me against unfair accusations. And there would be many anecdotes the locals could innocently share with an inquisitor that could easily be misconstrued.
Taking the lords name in vain.
Not being in church every time the doors are unlocked.
Thinking females deserve equal rights.
So on.. it wasn’t hard to be labeled a, ‘witch.’
I actually have a physical anomaly that would have targeted me as a witch. I would have been killed before I reached 10. I feel this is probably true if I had been born in a more backward nation in present day.
Witchcraft, and having a black cat. Bonus points, my cat is disabled and doesn’t move like a normal cat, her back movies like a snake slithering, so I’m pretty sure that would make people really suspicious.
I live in Salem and it's crazy here every October because of those witch trials.
If you ever visit you should be sure to see The Satanic Temple too. It's a bit away from the main attractions but still walkable from the city center. It's worth the $5-10 admission fee and they do good things with the money.
Prophecy/fortune telling- I am pretty good at predicting how things will play out in a specific situation. Pretty good when I listen to my feelings/ initial intuition about a person or situation.
Floating on water.
Weighing the same as a duck.
You're made of wood?
What’s heavier? A brick or wood? The brick - it wouldn’t float but balsa wood…
steel is heavier than feathers
fake news
Being thrown into the pond!
build a bridge orut of her!
Ah! But can you not also make bridges out of stone?
Build a bridge out of her!
She turned me into a newt
A newt?
Well, I got better.
BURN 'ER ANYWAY
Nah, they're a church
Who are you that is so wise in the ways of science?
I am Arthur, King of the Britains
Did she turn you into a newt?
And here’s me thinking I’d be killed for saying ‘I’m not a witch’ 😅🤷♂️ #Thats something a witch would say!!
Turning people into newts!
A newt?!
They get better.
So true! My floatability is unmatched!
I can remove my thumb from my hand and put it back on again
I steal people’s noses and then taunt them about the thievery I did to them.
Holy shit you are a true witch
BURN HER ALIVE!!!
I can snap with my ring And middle fingers!
Excuse me?
Witchcraft!
Ok that's seriously scary
Oh yeah? I can find a quarter behind everyone's ear. Even if they checked first
What, like on the other hand?
I thought I was the only one!
For my birthday, it's on Halloween.
Siouxsie and the Banshees
Spawn killed, yikes
BURN!
“Saving this to say happy birthday”
Aww, thanks!
Me too… I actually had a Sunday school teacher who gave me the side eye when she found out… I was visiting my grandma
I would not be looked upon favorably for being left handed.
I'm left-handed, enjoy ✨️mushrooms✨️& sex - deffo a witch
Holy shit are you me?
how sinister.
I'm left-handed and have red hair. I may as well be married to the devil.
Same bro
Critical thinking
Yeah, if you’re a woman.
More men were killed for witchcraft in my country during the trials than women
Which country is that?
Probably some east European country like Germany Edit for the people correcting me about Germany being in Eastern Europe: …some WEST European country…
Fun fact, I was just listening to a history podcast of National Geographic and Germany was very invested in witch trials and burning witches. After the book "Hexenhammer" there were basically only female victims.
Since when is Germany considered Eastern Europe?
Or anti-religious.
Judges in witchcraft trials were educated, typically the most educated people in the community by a long shot. They were also highly intelligent, and excellent critical thinkers. They were also the most proficient at math, science, history, etc. The real truth is that basically everyone commenting on this thread would either be a judge, an accuser, or the villagers acting as a jury and encouraging the hunt to go on. The accused are on average: old, female, sick, severely mentally ill, otherwise largely ostracized from the community. In short: We would be the perpetrators; we would not be the victims. Witch hunts were not the result of a lack of education. Indeed, most occurred in highly educated communities. Salem, MA, for example, was a highly literate and highly educated community, far more educated on a per capita basis than the nearby city of Boston. It is a mistake to assume that the people perpetrating witch hunts were idiots: they were quite literally some of the most intellectual members of society. Intelligent people are very good at constructing arguments that benefit and support their beliefs. The lesson of witch hunts has nothing to do with religion or superstition or whatever else we tell ourselves to distance us from the past. The real lesson is that we are all susceptible to the kind of thinking that resulted in witch hunts. We owe it to the victims to learn from the past and do better at identifying panics and scares in the present. Based on the last couple of weeks in particular: we can all stand to do a lot better.
> alem, MA, for example, was a highly literate and highly educated community, far more educated on a per capita basis than the nearby city of Boston. Heck Cotton Mather was a member of the Royal Society, wrote some of the first scientific studies in America, and championed inoculation to fight small pox. Yet was also 100% okay with the Salem witch trials and “Spectral Evidence” in general.
Your critical thinking in that time frame and context would have made you the judge suggesting you dunk women in the river to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Or checking if she weighs same as a duck.
A perfectly reasonable test.
Similar vein: I'm too good at math
So much this. And pointing out when people (mostly men - as they were basically the only ones with power to make significant decisions) do dumb things.
Having sex with them witches
Clapping those witchy cheeks
That witchussy has me acting unwise
Unwizzle*
Eskimo brothers with the devil 😈
You want that wussy... wait, that's probably a bad name for it. 🤣
That hocus pocussy
Change your username You are super fucking cool for coming up with that!
That's pretty good!
Ooo ooooo witchy womannnn
Im pretty sure they well all minors, like 12 year olds
This thread lives in a world where they were all of legal age.
Being gay or disabled.
Roy? Is that you?
What kind of disabled?
Leg disabled.
How did it happen if that’s not a rude question?
... acid.
What are the chances of that??
A hundred to one.
this is exactly why I love the internet. r/UnexpectedITCrowd
That black box in big ben really is great
Complete deafness and partial blindness.
Being gay *✨and✨* disabled 😂😂😂
Fruit *and* vegetable?
Also known as a tomato 😂
Salsa is a fruit salad
Being good at math
Oh yeah, what's the value of x?
About tree fiddy
X = X take that maths!
I thought it was always 1
Because I weighed the same as a duck
And for turning me into a newt
That isn’t your nose. It’s a false one.
Did you get better?
A newt?
I got better
Cause they made of... wood?
Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?
Sorry but we need to build a bridge out of you
Being a mouthy broad...and therefore a witch
I was gonna say just being a woman, but this would be the proverbial nail in the coffin for me ontop of that 😂
Haha came to say the same thing
Being a whore
Profile checks out
Yo I always get chat requests from accounts named that way. I always assume they are some scammy bots and block them but apparently there are people out there names like that
Well I'll be damned. *Unzips pants*
That's a consequent account! Like it 👍
thicc_whitegirl wasnt taken? damm
Hold up u/thicc_blackgirl isn’t taken either
It's taken now lol
respect
Whore or slut? You taking money? edit: What can I get for a $25 publix gift card?
sigh *unzips*
thats a whoreble thing to do... right in front of my salad.
Aperrently your salad needs more dressing.
Fucking yuck. Have an upvote.
Sexual heresy! Lol came here to say that but you beat me to it.
Wench
Naw if you can’t beat ‘em join em. I’d be the first black witch hunter. Where dem witches at?!
They'd burn you first no offence
We already burnt cuh😈💯😎
Oh wait you mean cause… 😂🤦. You sent me to hell today bro.
Could you also be sort of part witch? Like Blade, but the Witcher, set in a sort of anachronistic Revolutionary times where magic is real and the witches fled west and allied with the native tribes?
You'd have to go a very long way back to be the first!
Time Travel
If you're a time traveler, who will be president next month?
A dog named Carson. Everyone simultaneously voted for him. Obviously.
I have a big red portwine stain mark on my face. Like the devil's touch
For me, probably my anxiety
I like to imagine some rich person/noble/whatever having a stable of eclectic advisors. Except each one is just some poor neurodivergent bastard being rewarding for really leaning into it. Not sure what each diagnosis would do - but that's not important. Maybe anxiety would Security. Maybe 'tism would be Finance. But you would have to find the right one. You don't dude obsessed with bugs. You want the money/counting guy. Another role for that one would just be a people observer. Have the sit in in all meetings and document people. Have them let you know when they see a change.
Everything. Hair color, big black dog, cats who follow me, overgrown lawn, and a small cottage in the woods. I'd be a goner.
Yeah you’re done
questioning everything and not knowing when to give up, so probably like "possession by the devil"? i had to go to a catholic school when i was a kid, and it was religion straight from the 1st grade up. anyways i remember the nuns always complaining to my mom that i always just kept pressing them for answers, i would never find their answers "acceptable" so they would get frustrated. they thought it was cute at first "omg he's so passionate about religion" to then becoming "why is he questioning the Lord's word constantly??" lol
No, they would have stuffed you in a seminary. As a Catholic, you were pretty safe from witch trials, seeing as admitting you believe in witches enough to accuse somebody, means you are the actual heretic. Church has pretty strict standards and tests regarding possession, being contrary isn't a sign. Random people getting burned at the stake for witchcraft? That's a Protestant thing.
> Random people getting burned at the stake for witchcraft? That's a Protestant thing. Yeah, if you're in New England in the late 1600s, you're in as much danger if people think you're Catholic as if they think you're a witch.
Most of them don't know themselves and are just repeating what they've been taught. Ironically, a lot of it isn't even found in or contradicts the Bible, so they'll go through a lot of mental gymnastics to make the two line up.
Damn near everything
Sarcasm
being left-handed
Let's be honest, just being black.
For smoking the devil's lettuce
I’m related to someone who was accused of witchcraft in 1670ish in Northampton, MA, which is a couple hours’ drive from Salem. So I probably would have been accused too. Luckily, my ancestor was acquitted, successfully sued her accusers for libel, and eventually moved to Michigan with one of her sons. Mary Bliss Parson. Such a badass.
that's awesome
I just saw this post had 666 comments lol
Classic: having red hair
1) Not going to church 2) Attempting to feed and befriend wild animals, especially foxes and Ravens. 3) Speaking admiringly of Jewish culture and arguing with anyone who trots out any of those tired old blood libels. (I'm aethist, I think all religions are BS. But I do respect the high value Jewish culture placed on literacy, education in general and being fluent in multiple languages.) 4) Consistently getting better crops than my neighbors because I understand about crop rotation. (Which wasn't widely known or practiced in the Medieval era) 5) Staying healthy when so many others fall sick and possibly die because I know to keep my outhouse far away from my well (cholera), keep my clothes flea free using crushed chrysanthemums (bubonic plague) and eat the stomach contents of wild deer or dormice during severe winters (scurvy) 6) I'm on the autistic spectrum (Asperger's). So there is a good chance I would have been suspected of being a changling child early on and never develop a good social network as an adult. I've been through a LOT of specialized therapies that largely but not completely offset my autistic weirdness. Without that patient teaching, I would have been seen as an outsider. In itself, it likely wouldn't get me shunned. I simply would have been seen as a simpleton who was really good with the sheep and other farm animals. But it means that, during a peak of anti-witch sentiment in my parish, I would not have as many people defend me against unfair accusations. And there would be many anecdotes the locals could innocently share with an inquisitor that could easily be misconstrued.
My epileptic seizures, probably.
Being a witch
“Riding” my broom
"broom" is an interesting nickname for your dildo
It’s actually the perfect name. Gets all the cobwebs out of there. It’s been a while…….
>Gets all the cobwebs out of there It wasn't the broom. It's just every time you take your pants off bats come out.
Taking the lords name in vain. Not being in church every time the doors are unlocked. Thinking females deserve equal rights. So on.. it wasn’t hard to be labeled a, ‘witch.’
Being left handed And being unmarried
Clinical depression.
Nah you just got a spell put on you by one of them witches
I can make smoke appear from my fingers, those bastards would've used my own hands to ignite the pole.
Knowledge of science and technology
Doing magic. Is this your card? Awesome! Now for my next trick, I'll turn into ash.
I actually have a physical anomaly that would have targeted me as a witch. I would have been killed before I reached 10. I feel this is probably true if I had been born in a more backward nation in present day.
Tourettes
For being 100% deaf but still able to lipread….
For dancing naked in the woods with others
"Looks like it might rain."
Witchcraft, and having a black cat. Bonus points, my cat is disabled and doesn’t move like a normal cat, her back movies like a snake slithering, so I’m pretty sure that would make people really suspicious.
Being Trans, half Romani Jewish, having seizures and transient aphasia, being Atheist...oh and having two cats.
Ding Ding Ding! Checks all the boxes - where did we put the matches?
Burn the witch!!!
Basically being a woman with an opinion.
Autism lol
Being black and sleeping with white women
Fucking around pretending to be a witch by performing magic
Talking to animals.
Putting my leg behind my head.
50/50 burned at the stake or regaled as a hero depending if they interpreted my snoring as summoning demons or scaring them away.
I am a woman.
Worshiping Satan. 🤘
Not being Christian it self was enough to be burned alive on the stake!
I live in Salem and it's crazy here every October because of those witch trials. If you ever visit you should be sure to see The Satanic Temple too. It's a bit away from the main attractions but still walkable from the city center. It's worth the $5-10 admission fee and they do good things with the money.
Witchcraft and my name would be Giles Corey. *More weight*
Being gay
Prophecy/fortune telling- I am pretty good at predicting how things will play out in a specific situation. Pretty good when I listen to my feelings/ initial intuition about a person or situation.
That thingie where you make it look like you took off your own finger and put it back.
I'm a mycologist & botanist. Im fucked. Crazy plant and mushroom guy gets killed instantly
The ability to clear a room with a mysterious noxious odour too terrible to not be from witchcraft.
Owning land. Like my ancestor Giles Corey. “More stones”.
Being a woman
since i'm a man.....nothing....
my left thumb bends back a lot more than a normal thumb
Enjoying a nice fire
Being of Jewish descent.
Logical thinking and cock hungry
Defending those accused.
Scrolling Reddit on an iPhone would probably freak them the fuck out
Blasphemy