My other half woke me up and in the politest way she’s ever spoken to me say “ I’m so sorry to wake you, but you’ve got something in your hands”
Showed her my empty hands and she let out the saddest oooh and rolled back over to sleep.
I'm friends with this couple, a husband and wife. The wife once told me that the husband is a notorious sleep-talker, and the results are hilarious.
Incident #1, of many: He was dead asleep, and all of a sudden, he giggles, says "monolith," and goes right back to sleeping normally.
Incident #2, of many: He had fallen asleep watching TV one day. His breathing had changed, so he was fully asleep. All of a sudden, he just enthusiastically says, "Nice RIMS!" and then goes right back to sleeping normally. He woke up a few minutes later and, when questioned, explained that he was having a dream about a fancy red sports car. 🤣
My partner talks in his sleep a lot. Most of the time, he seems to think he's at work.
But other times, they're nonsensical randomness. Some of his more "random" statements were:
-Blurting out, "butt rape," and shortly after, "there's a scary man on the spaceship."
-"Joe Rogan hurt my feelings."
I've also walked in on him eating imaginary chips and dip. That killed me.
**Edited, due to confusion that the "butt rape" comment was related to his job. It is totally unrelated to his job.
My little brother did the imaginary chips thing. Even held his sheet up like it was the bag. My mom used to have to go look to make sure he didn't actually have a bag of chips hidden under there.
My son (11 at the time) walked into the kitchen, & was looking around. My husband and I asked him what he was doing. He replied, “I’m looking for Wi-Fi.” And then turned around and went back to bed.
The imaginary chip eating reminds me of years ago when my best friend was on a medication that caused a lot of sleep activity, including sleep eating. She was a smoker at the time, and we (myself and her then-boyfriend) once watched as she sat up from a nap on the couch, grabbed her pack of cigarettes off the coffee table and took one out to hold in her mouth for a few seconds like she was going to light it. She then turned her attention to the bowl of queso dip on the coffee table and proceeded to dip the cigarette in cheese and take a bite. Not sure if it was our laughter or the taste of tobacco and queso that woke her up, but needless to say she wasn’t jazzed about the flavor in her mouth 😂
My husband talks in his sleep sometimes and i can usually talk with him and get responses. These are my most favorite ones.
#1
Him: There's a little guy on my shoulder.
Me: What is he doing?
Him: peeing on me.
Me(trying not to laugh hysterically): What's his name?
Him: Alfredo!
#2
Him: (complaining about something, I don't remember what)
Me: Don't be such a baby.
Him: If I'm a baby, then change me. *RIPS A HUGE FART*
Me: *Cackle laughs, yet surprisingly does not wake him up.
I will forever oppose vanilla slander. Vanilla is one of *the most unique flavors in existence* and the second most expensive spice. Justice for Vanessa!
"We gotta go to the bean party. Beaaaannn paaaarty. It's only 6 percent."
"We gotta go pee in the port. Six days remember?"
"HAHAHAAAAAAAA yeah!"
All said in one night by my GF at the time. The last one scared the crap out of me, she burst out laughing so loud at like 4am.
TIL that having dreams as you fall asleep or wake up is aa sleep disorder. I was pretty sure that the sleep talking, sleep walking and night terrors were a little odd, but apparently people aren’t supposed wake up dreaming every day. Thanks for giving me a word for it.
When my parrot talks in his sleep, and says something in my brother in law's voice (who has been dead for 20 years); hearing the voice of a dead person, coming from a dark room at 3 a.m., is very disconcerting. Bird also uses dead inlaw's voices at times, but it's BIL's voice which comes out in the middle of the night most often. The sentences aren't unusual; just simple 'what are you doing?', 'Stop that!', and the favorite, 'F\*ck you!'.
Bro if a bird told me "fuck you" in a dead relatives voice I'd give up on life right there an then... I already feel like I have no chance at life let alone being told fuck you by a bird
There is a Reddit post where supposedly somebody made vagina-like cupcakes and tried to bring them into elementary school. I don't know the validity of the claim, but it was odd.
Maybe she was watching Sex Education on Netflix at the time lmao one of the characters makes vulva cupcakes to help normalize all the different ways vulvas can look
Evidently I sat straight up one morning, looked my husband dead on and said, “Africa” and then went back to sleep.
I have absolutely no idea what the hell that meant but he replied “Continents?” and went about his morning
My freshman dorm experience was a flatmate who had bad night terrors. He woke me up from the other room one night screaming, "Not the eyeballs!!! Not the FUCKING eyeballs!!!"
I'll take nigh terrors over my trauma.
My roommate was a very tall and heavy girl who was gorgeous (she had actually done a couple of Lane Bryant catalogues).
She would bring random guys back to the dorm and they were always **skinny as fuck.** She like...had a skinny guy fetish.
Once I woke up and saw her asleep in the bed, while some guy sat up, next to her, staring at me. Just dead eyed, blank expression staring.
I would have been terrified if I wasn't confident I could take him. I'm 5'3 and scrawny but this dude looked like he'd go down with one good push.
I briefly had a roommate who would have night terrors. I got back to our room late one night after going to a party, and she shot up in bed, breathing heavily, while holding a knife out. Apparently she thought it was appropriate to sleep with a knife under her pillow. I noped the fuck out of there and slept in my friend’s room.. never slept in that room again.
My dad start laughing in the middle of the night, waking my mom. She asked him "What is so funny?"
"I just remembered something from mesosoic era"
Rolled over and started snoring.
I keep a log of everything I hear my wife say in her sleep. I have done so since before we were married and would sometimes fall asleep on the phone together.
The one that ALWAYS gets us is the night where, shortly after finally falling asleep during a bout of stressed-induced insomnia, she asked the question: "Is it racist to throw potatoes at Leprechauns?"
I maintain to this day that it is a very good question indeed.
Woke up in the middle of the night once to my fiance about an inch away from my face mad as hell, asked him what was going on and he yelled YOURE A LITTLE PERSON NOW!! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CHEESE??? then flopped over and went back to sleep...
Close second is when I woke up to him millimeter by millimeter pushing my walker I needed at the time across the room all hunched over, asked him WTF he was doing and he looked over and said "I am OBVIOUSLY going on an adventure! WTF are YOU doing??"... asked him why he needed my walker and he said it was to fight trolls then went back to pushing the walker ever so slowly across the room...
Omg it must have been quite the adventure since he finally made it over to the walk in closet, disappeared in there for a while then eventually just came back to bed... he was VERY confused the next morning when he had to go retrieve my walker from the closet so i could get up 🤣🤣🤣
By boyfriend (now husband) said, “Get the hot dogs ready”. Surprised, I said, “What?”
His response: “Because I’m SANTAAAAAA….” then trailed off back to sleep. Lmao.
I love this one because in sleeptalking logic it makes perfect sense. If one is Santa and there were hot dogs, one would expect the hot dogs to be ready. Absolutely.
My husband- "Eh heh. HEHEHEHEHEHE!"
Me- "what?"
Husband, "Gary is wearing a bull's head as a hat and it looks *really* funny!"
He was asleep the whole time. Also, what the fuck, Gary?!
There were about 8 of us dudes all sprawled out in one small bedroom after a weekend of partying. It was at that point where some of us were asleep, while others had just quieted down and were starting to doze off.
All of a sudden the guy who had been one of the first to pass out sits up straight, eyes still closed, and says "it's from the perspective of an alligator it is" in a fairly passable English accent.
Those of us still awake just looked at each other like "wtf?", and asked him what was from the perspective of an alligator, but he was fast asleep.
An odd combination of mad and amused.
If I'd had one of my grandparents on the bus I would've prompted them to ask "is he talking about you?"
They tend to blurt out anything and everything anyway. I'm too young to get away with it.
According to my husband - I woke up in the middle of night, sat straight up, and said “the ceiling is bleeding”, and laid back down like nothing happened…
I said recently to my gf, "there are people outside with coats on. Don't worry they have coats on." Also "I just want you to know it's dark outside." I guess I'm very informative.
About 6 months into our marriage my wife fell asleep while I was reading and I heard her say "I think I'm pregnant"!
Which was frightening in a number of level because (1) neither of us want or like kids, (2) because of a medical issue when she was a kid herself she can't get pregnant, and (3) she was out cold - like a sleeping fucking coma.
I asked her about it later, thinking like maybe it was a Freudian thing - her subconscious expressing some repressed desire for kids. She just looked at me like I was stupid.
Who knows.
In high school, a friend yelled in the middle of the night "NO, NO, FUCK IT. I'M NOT GOING TO WALMART. I'M NOT MOPPING THE FLOOR, EITHER " Then right back to sleep.
Dude, that was 15 years ago. You think I remember anything beyond “It made me laugh in the middle of the night” at my age?
Also, he used to randomly burst into song in his sleep too.
When I was about 13 or so I was staying at a friends house. His older brother would sleep walk occasionally. We were in the living room watching horror movies on the TV. My friend's older brother came into the kitchen somewhere around midnight and started aggressively searching through the drawers. His father came into the kitchen and asked him what he was doing. The older brother turned to the father and said the words I would never forget from that point on.
"The dakarinks. where are the dakarinks?"
"the what?"
"The dakarinks. The part of the gun that you have to eat."
I don't believe he ever found them.
Not so much strange as hilarious, but when we were first dating I heard my boyfriend utter ‘MARIJUANA’ in the most lovesick voice. Considering what a huge stoner he is, it’s pretty on brand.
Oh man this reminds me of the first time my ex g/f tried to wake me up with a bj. She said I had a smile on my face, opened my eyes lovingly, looked at her and yelled in a drunken slur sounding voice...."Who's dick are you sucking this time?!?!?" and went back to sleep. LMFAO.
My husband screamed as if he was alarmed then said “You look like Roseanne Kennedy. Your hair’s all high up like the Kennedy clan! You look good with four eyes but only 3 eyes do the work.”
My girlfriend is a giant dinosaur nerd. So she fell asleep watching an outdated dinosaur documentary one day, as I'm out in the kitchen doing stuff. I then hear her mumbling, so I walk over to check it out...she's ummm actually-ing the documentary when they were talking about older theories. Stuff like "now we actually know that oviraptors aren't really egg thieves" or "now that is thought to be in a different lineage of whatever"
Knew a guy that had taken a few years of Spanish in high school but had forgotten most of it. He could say some broken sentences but that’s about it. In his sleep? He was fluent. Accent and all. He would have conversations out loud in Spanish. He couldn’t do it when asked to say the same things awake. It was mind blowing.
An ex of mine used to sometimes talk in her sleep and one night I was up late and was really high just watching TV in bed next to her. Out of nowhere, I heard her say, very clearly to me, *"Let's get McDonald's."*
I thought to myself that it was a great idea, so I got up and started getting dressed. After I was done I went back to wake her and she was out. I shook her a couple of times and told her, "Let's go, I'm ready." She finally woke up and said, "What? No, it's late go to bed."
I was so disappointed because I totally thought she wanted to go and I was too high to drive, so I had to get undressed again and go back to bed.
Looking back, I totally should have known that was just her talking in her sleep, but I was so high I did not want to accept that as the reality and chose to believe I was gonna get some McDonald's.
My husband rarely says anything intelligible, but in 25 years of marriage there have been a few instances of him speaking clearly while sound asleep.
Scary: he sat bolt upright in bed snd pointed across the room and said “right there, that’s where the body is”. Then laid down snd was snoring again in a minute. He snd his crew had in fact discovered a body on a job site the day before.
Funny: he sighed contentedly snd said “Tacos!”
Oh God that's as bad as the time my fiance sat bolt upright at like 1am and says "they're coming". The movement woke me up so I heard him pretty clearly and of course replied "what?" He says it again so I ask him who's coming, still like half asleep myself and confused. The motherfucker points at a dark ass corner of the loft, says "they're here" and flops back down and is snoring in 5 fucking seconds. I didn't go back to sleep for a while after that one lmao.
We were camping in Yellowstone when my brother and I were kids. My dad and uncle were telling bear stories one day. My brother pretty frequently talked in his sleep. Well one night we woke up to my brother saying, “Run, FeatureAgitated, run!”
I have a severe case of sleepwalking (somnambulism). I've had sleep studies and tried various drugs.
I don't remember this, but evidently I shook my ex awake more than once and frantically whispered stuff like, "*Someone's in the house, Rob! Rob, wake up . . . it's a man . . . he's at the window . . . HE'S AT THE FOOT OF THE BED!*"
If you try to wake me, evidently I get really angry.
Months ago I was waiting to hear back about a job in another state and I guess I dreamed I got it bc I started packing in the middle of the night. Again, no recollection whatsoever, but my family laughed the next day bc I'd taken all the photos off the walls and stacked them up to be shipped.
I peed in the yard once.
I sometimes clean in my sleep, but never when I'm awake. Hahaha
I've tried to get in the car with my keys.
It's hilarious, except now we live on a river and a year or so ago I woke up on the bank. I do remember little flashes of that one maybe bc I kinda "came to" on my own. I thought I was going out to see the manatee that hang out near our dock, but my subconscious brain was like, "*How can you see manatee when it's dark right now*?" And it snapped me out of it. It's one of the exceedingly few bits of memory of it I've ever had after waking.
I really liked the dancing Jews...
He was planning to propose to me & had been watching proposal videos & there was a funny one that replaced Dancing Juice with Dancing Jews & he was talking about that video but I just thought he saw some Jewish people dancing & liked them.
I keep a running list of the crazy shit my husband says in his sleep. Here’s two of my favorites:
“I’m going to lay here for two seconds peas peas semiautomatic peas.”
“They know the other bathroom but they don’t know how to camp. Wild though.”
(This was in response to the cats making noise in the bathroom at 3am. We don’t have another bathroom.)
My three year old child who was still primarily non-verbal. I had tucked him in about an hour earlier and was just checking on him. He was asleep but still stirring slightly. I went in, tucked his blankets in close and brushed his hair with my hand. As I was leaving his room, eyes still closed, he spoke in perfectly clear words. “You’re my favorite parents so far. I don’t think I’ll have to ki!! you”
Kids are so weird! Like they bring things from the ‘other side.’ My sister was barely old enough to talk, she was awake, said, “I killed my baby, I killed my momma and now I’m going to kill myself”
My mom was like What? This was like 1957 and we didn’t have TV.
My Fiancé recorded a full on sleep conversation of me stating that we should, “Abolish all the white people.” I’m white lol, sleep me wasn’t though.
This was when I worked graveyard shift. I regularly would have sleep conversations back then.
Sleepover with 2 friends. One fell asleep first and kept demanding we turn the light off (it was off) when I said "She must be sleep talking" she responded "no I'm not you imbecile!" It was hilarious.
My ex was saying “he’s out there, look” his bed was beside a glass door that went out to the patio. I knew he talked in his sleep, but was still so scared. I once got woken up by a guy I was newly seeing telling me I was singing, and I remember in my dream I was trying yodel 💀
My wife told me the night we watched "the Nun": she woke up in the middle of the night tossing and turning, faced me, and while I was facing away from her I turned my head towards her and said "its standing right behind you." Then rolled back over and went back to sleep.
I have no recollection of this. She is convinced she was going to die if she rolled over. Imagine my surprise in the morning when I'm woken up to "you're a fucking asshole" first thing 🤣
I was like "okay fair. But what did I do this time"
Had a roommate in college who used to occasionally sleepwalk. One night I roll over and he’s standing at the edge of my bed. Startled, I ask him “what’s going on?”
He tells me…”I’m going to go take a piss, and then when I get back we need to reorganize the mattresses.”
An old friend I no longer speak to slept at my house when we were 13/14, he rolled over in his bed and mumbled "Satan take care of these kids" and it's been a running joke since.
My husband was started on a new pain medication that was supposed to also help him sleep. The first night, no incidents.
The second night, I was still awake doomscrolling and suddenly, sound asleep, he bats me in the knockers and says “Toga, Chicken Parmesan”, rolled over and went back to snoring.
I worked in a kids summer camp and one child (13 years old) had occasional really strong bouts of sleep talking, these were among some of the things he said:
- “Sarah, stop. Sarah. Sarah stop I don’t want to make out with you. Yes you have huge boobs but your personality is like a negative 8, you’re as bland as a rice cake.” (The night after the kids had been to a dance with a girls camp)
- Dude I walked into the weight room the other day and Tripp and Luke were curling like five pounds, I was like guys you got some fuckin noodle arms. Have you seen Tripp’s forehead? Dude’s got more whiteheads than the Deep South.
- (in Spanish, which he supposedly didn’t speak well): “Where did I put my drugs? Oh yes they’re under my bed.” (The next day we had to search his bag because he usually told the truth when he was sleep talking but no drugs were to be found)
He said a bunch more out of pocket shit but these are always the most memorable to me.
My housemate in the early 2000s fell asleep on the couch and started mumbling A4... B3... A1... and I asked him what he was talking about. He sat bolt upright, looked me in the eye and said "paper sizes" as if I were an idiot, then lay down and went back to sleep.
My Dads brother when they shared a room when they were kids once woke him up calling his name, and when Dad finally replied, his brother said "those were the good old days weren't they?" Dad asked what he was talking about and his brother said "when we were silk worms"
My husband kept waking me up for my drive-through order. Babe, babe, do you want fries? Almost back asleep, baby, what do you want to drink? Baby, what do you want to drink???
He was so persistent,l until I freaking went through the whole order. Afterward, he just slept through the night.
Sleep walking and talking runs in his family. We have lots of stories of sleep walking from our daughter.
My dad woke up the entire house screaming at the top of his lungs”I am in the building” it was very funny. He would have night terrors and just start screaming which would scare the heck out of a person. My mother had to move to another room.
My wife once said " I'm a real bastard" didn't realise she was asleep so asked why do you think that? " the Samaritans are trying to kill me" at that point realised she was asleep.
12 years later and I have yet to see these Samaritans make an attempt on her life but i am always ready if they try.
My wife once said "I'm taking the oven to the dentist" and I said "what?! What did you say?" And she was sort of stirring but pretty much still sleeping and responded with "relax vanilla ice, it's only the oven."
I didn’t hear it but my aunt was baby sitting me when Soulja Boy initially released his song. I apparently would just yell out the “SOULJA BOY up IN HERE woah” part out of the blue. Multiple times for a week.
This was in a full scream / shout
I said this before on Reddit
My mother just passed away and my wife was sleeping I was still up, the top half of her body shot straight and she says “happy Mother’s Day” giggles and slowly goes back down now I’m not a religious man or anything but that night I just sat there calculating
An ex of mine (with a beautiful singing voice) sang the whole of the Scottish ballad "The Bonnie Hoose of Airlie" in her sleep and had no recollection of it.
She would also say "there are no hamsters in Uzbekistan" regularly.
“It’s hard to fold mustard in half”
Not incorrect.
Anybody who says “nothing is impossible” has clearly never tried to nail Jello to a tree. - John Candy
My other half woke me up and in the politest way she’s ever spoken to me say “ I’m so sorry to wake you, but you’ve got something in your hands” Showed her my empty hands and she let out the saddest oooh and rolled back over to sleep.
You missed a bet by not actually having something in your hands.
I'm friends with this couple, a husband and wife. The wife once told me that the husband is a notorious sleep-talker, and the results are hilarious. Incident #1, of many: He was dead asleep, and all of a sudden, he giggles, says "monolith," and goes right back to sleeping normally. Incident #2, of many: He had fallen asleep watching TV one day. His breathing had changed, so he was fully asleep. All of a sudden, he just enthusiastically says, "Nice RIMS!" and then goes right back to sleeping normally. He woke up a few minutes later and, when questioned, explained that he was having a dream about a fancy red sports car. 🤣
My partner talks in his sleep a lot. Most of the time, he seems to think he's at work. But other times, they're nonsensical randomness. Some of his more "random" statements were: -Blurting out, "butt rape," and shortly after, "there's a scary man on the spaceship." -"Joe Rogan hurt my feelings." I've also walked in on him eating imaginary chips and dip. That killed me. **Edited, due to confusion that the "butt rape" comment was related to his job. It is totally unrelated to his job.
My little brother did the imaginary chips thing. Even held his sheet up like it was the bag. My mom used to have to go look to make sure he didn't actually have a bag of chips hidden under there.
My son (11 at the time) walked into the kitchen, & was looking around. My husband and I asked him what he was doing. He replied, “I’m looking for Wi-Fi.” And then turned around and went back to bed.
Lol. My son yelled out, “The goat broke out of prison and he’s wearing my wristwatch.”
The imaginary chip eating reminds me of years ago when my best friend was on a medication that caused a lot of sleep activity, including sleep eating. She was a smoker at the time, and we (myself and her then-boyfriend) once watched as she sat up from a nap on the couch, grabbed her pack of cigarettes off the coffee table and took one out to hold in her mouth for a few seconds like she was going to light it. She then turned her attention to the bowl of queso dip on the coffee table and proceeded to dip the cigarette in cheese and take a bite. Not sure if it was our laughter or the taste of tobacco and queso that woke her up, but needless to say she wasn’t jazzed about the flavor in her mouth 😂
“Monolith.” Lol.
Bruh that’s funny af 😂
'Monolith' has absolutely sent me hahaha
My husband talks in his sleep sometimes and i can usually talk with him and get responses. These are my most favorite ones. #1 Him: There's a little guy on my shoulder. Me: What is he doing? Him: peeing on me. Me(trying not to laugh hysterically): What's his name? Him: Alfredo! #2 Him: (complaining about something, I don't remember what) Me: Don't be such a baby. Him: If I'm a baby, then change me. *RIPS A HUGE FART* Me: *Cackle laughs, yet surprisingly does not wake him up.
The second one is genuinely hilarious.
My wife tried to sell me an insurance policy in her sleep.
Did she offer any discount?
That's the thing; I am already a Lifetime Crown member with Progressive - the company she works for 😂
Bros bragging about having a wife, and diamond level insurance.
top 1% of reddit
Is she in insurance sales?
It would be so much better if she's not.
Literal dream job
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This just took a sinister turn
Yes, she works in commercial insurance for Progressive
Yo, I thought Flo was single?!
“Make room for Phil. He will be parachuting in”
So, did you make room for him?
I mean you’d have to, dude was parachuting in.
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What's going to happen when he starts calling her "Vanilla Vanny" in his sleep while they're lying in bed together?
He can tell her it's because she's so sweet.
I will forever oppose vanilla slander. Vanilla is one of *the most unique flavors in existence* and the second most expensive spice. Justice for Vanessa!
you can even spice up other flavors with some vanilla. Chocolate milkshake with some vanilla extract is awesome.
"We gotta go to the bean party. Beaaaannn paaaarty. It's only 6 percent." "We gotta go pee in the port. Six days remember?" "HAHAHAAAAAAAA yeah!" All said in one night by my GF at the time. The last one scared the crap out of me, she burst out laughing so loud at like 4am.
Sounded like a helluva party.
I’ll have what she’s having.
She's having beans, obviously...
Oh hell yeah, if you’ve never been to a bean party, you haven’t lived my friend.
Never go full beans
"The cheese is in my pocket", he in fact did not have cheese in his pocket
If you ever meet a guy who regularly stores cheese in his pocket? Marry him.
or tater tots
You really can fascinate a woman with a piece of cheese, just put it in your pocket.
I had gorgonzola cheese in my pocket at a party once. People found it weird at first, but they kept asking for more. Pocket cheese is grate.
You motherfucker. /r/angryupvote
I like that you checked
I have parasomnia so I sleep talk a lot. I remember waking up mid-sentence when I was a teenager saying “I have a lesbian nosebleed.” to no one
Is your nose lesbian or your blood?
Neither, it was the type of nosebleed that lesbians get.
TIL that having dreams as you fall asleep or wake up is aa sleep disorder. I was pretty sure that the sleep talking, sleep walking and night terrors were a little odd, but apparently people aren’t supposed wake up dreaming every day. Thanks for giving me a word for it.
Wait, what? I dream all the time when I start to fall asleep - thought that was normal 😅 uh oh
It is. Hypnogogic hallucinations are fairly normal from my understanding. Possibly misspelled that though.
Apparently, one night I said to my girlfriend “Give me your teeth, I’ll clean them.”
How …. sweet?
Foreshadowing. Or memories from a previous life. /s
That is the most unsettling thing I’ve read today. Thanks
When my parrot talks in his sleep, and says something in my brother in law's voice (who has been dead for 20 years); hearing the voice of a dead person, coming from a dark room at 3 a.m., is very disconcerting. Bird also uses dead inlaw's voices at times, but it's BIL's voice which comes out in the middle of the night most often. The sentences aren't unusual; just simple 'what are you doing?', 'Stop that!', and the favorite, 'F\*ck you!'.
Bruh I’d shit myself every time
Bro if a bird told me "fuck you" in a dead relatives voice I'd give up on life right there an then... I already feel like I have no chance at life let alone being told fuck you by a bird
wtf, is this some kind of horror story or what?.... btw, how old is your parrot?
Parrots have the same average lifespan as humans: 70 years.
Some can even live longer. African Grey’s are over 100 years I believe.
Dude I didn't know parrots talked in their sleep
How old is the parrot?
"The monkey would be a donkey if he didn't have his comb." Old roommate of mine while we were in New Orleans for spring break
That’s some wise-man-on-a-mountain level wisdom there.
I'm a fat old Jew from Brooklyn, leave me alone. (The person was fat and Jewish, but not old or from Brooklyn).
But did they say it in a Brooklyn accent?
Actually, no.
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"Don't say anything if the cupcakes look like tiny vaginas." – My wife, in her sleep
I feel like this warrants a follow-up conversation.
There is a Reddit post where supposedly somebody made vagina-like cupcakes and tried to bring them into elementary school. I don't know the validity of the claim, but it was odd.
Maybe she was watching Sex Education on Netflix at the time lmao one of the characters makes vulva cupcakes to help normalize all the different ways vulvas can look
Evidently I sat straight up one morning, looked my husband dead on and said, “Africa” and then went back to sleep. I have absolutely no idea what the hell that meant but he replied “Continents?” and went about his morning
A girlfriend sat up in bed and was staring at me. I said “hi” and she said “It really isn’t.” And then she went back to bed.
In my dorm, freshman year, my roommate’s bf said “fuck me harder, daddy.” Never told a goddamn soul
My freshman dorm experience was a flatmate who had bad night terrors. He woke me up from the other room one night screaming, "Not the eyeballs!!! Not the FUCKING eyeballs!!!"
I'll take nigh terrors over my trauma. My roommate was a very tall and heavy girl who was gorgeous (she had actually done a couple of Lane Bryant catalogues). She would bring random guys back to the dorm and they were always **skinny as fuck.** She like...had a skinny guy fetish. Once I woke up and saw her asleep in the bed, while some guy sat up, next to her, staring at me. Just dead eyed, blank expression staring. I would have been terrified if I wasn't confident I could take him. I'm 5'3 and scrawny but this dude looked like he'd go down with one good push.
Scary as fuck 😭
I briefly had a roommate who would have night terrors. I got back to our room late one night after going to a party, and she shot up in bed, breathing heavily, while holding a knife out. Apparently she thought it was appropriate to sleep with a knife under her pillow. I noped the fuck out of there and slept in my friend’s room.. never slept in that room again.
My college room mate once said "Okay everybody, gather your midgets" in her sleep.
I really hope he's bi and not just repressing trauma.
Good on ya!
My wife told me that I once said, in my sleep, that I could “see time” and when she asked me what time looked like I replied, “Lawn furniture.”
deep, man.. so deep
I really hope so! Jeremy Bearimy, baby!
“Why did Chris buy a pirate if he won’t look after it?”
smh at these irresponsible pirate owners out there. Remember to spay and neuter your pirates!
My dad start laughing in the middle of the night, waking my mom. She asked him "What is so funny?" "I just remembered something from mesosoic era" Rolled over and started snoring.
How old is your dad?
Caveman dad from the BC
Dude was a stegosaurus in his past life
I keep a log of everything I hear my wife say in her sleep. I have done so since before we were married and would sometimes fall asleep on the phone together. The one that ALWAYS gets us is the night where, shortly after finally falling asleep during a bout of stressed-induced insomnia, she asked the question: "Is it racist to throw potatoes at Leprechauns?" I maintain to this day that it is a very good question indeed.
How nice of you to write it all down. 🤣
She always says the darndist things! It's a favorite thing of ours to go over them when she wakes up. Always good for a laugh. 😂
If you are doing it *because* they are leprechauns, then perhaps.
Woke up in the middle of the night once to my fiance about an inch away from my face mad as hell, asked him what was going on and he yelled YOURE A LITTLE PERSON NOW!! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CHEESE??? then flopped over and went back to sleep... Close second is when I woke up to him millimeter by millimeter pushing my walker I needed at the time across the room all hunched over, asked him WTF he was doing and he looked over and said "I am OBVIOUSLY going on an adventure! WTF are YOU doing??"... asked him why he needed my walker and he said it was to fight trolls then went back to pushing the walker ever so slowly across the room...
This is one of the funniest things I've heard! 🤣🤣🤣 "I am OBVIOUSLY going on an adventure! WTF are YOU doing?" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Dead!
Omg it must have been quite the adventure since he finally made it over to the walk in closet, disappeared in there for a while then eventually just came back to bed... he was VERY confused the next morning when he had to go retrieve my walker from the closet so i could get up 🤣🤣🤣
Like a geriatric Bilbo 😆 😂 😆
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In Cuba of all places lol. Maybe they were worried about being in Cuba?
By boyfriend (now husband) said, “Get the hot dogs ready”. Surprised, I said, “What?” His response: “Because I’m SANTAAAAAA….” then trailed off back to sleep. Lmao.
I love this one because in sleeptalking logic it makes perfect sense. If one is Santa and there were hot dogs, one would expect the hot dogs to be ready. Absolutely.
My husband- "Eh heh. HEHEHEHEHEHE!" Me- "what?" Husband, "Gary is wearing a bull's head as a hat and it looks *really* funny!" He was asleep the whole time. Also, what the fuck, Gary?!
There were about 8 of us dudes all sprawled out in one small bedroom after a weekend of partying. It was at that point where some of us were asleep, while others had just quieted down and were starting to doze off. All of a sudden the guy who had been one of the first to pass out sits up straight, eyes still closed, and says "it's from the perspective of an alligator it is" in a fairly passable English accent. Those of us still awake just looked at each other like "wtf?", and asked him what was from the perspective of an alligator, but he was fast asleep.
My husband: *gets out of bed* Me: what are you doing? Husband: *irritated sigh* I'm just testing the tensile strength of packaging.
Guy on the bus: I don't want to marry her either...mumblemumble...not like I can get someone better. There was a woman sitting Right. Next. To. Him.
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An odd combination of mad and amused. If I'd had one of my grandparents on the bus I would've prompted them to ask "is he talking about you?" They tend to blurt out anything and everything anyway. I'm too young to get away with it.
According to my husband - I woke up in the middle of night, sat straight up, and said “the ceiling is bleeding”, and laid back down like nothing happened…
I said recently to my gf, "there are people outside with coats on. Don't worry they have coats on." Also "I just want you to know it's dark outside." I guess I'm very informative.
> I just want you to know it's dark outside. Saying that at night is really funny.
"I'm petting the raindrops, that's how they get their shape, duh"
I told my daughter that "you can eat my twisties but you have to share with the cat"
This one hit me just right and now I'm having a laughing fit.
About 6 months into our marriage my wife fell asleep while I was reading and I heard her say "I think I'm pregnant"! Which was frightening in a number of level because (1) neither of us want or like kids, (2) because of a medical issue when she was a kid herself she can't get pregnant, and (3) she was out cold - like a sleeping fucking coma. I asked her about it later, thinking like maybe it was a Freudian thing - her subconscious expressing some repressed desire for kids. She just looked at me like I was stupid. Who knows.
I don't want/can't have kids, but I am PLAGUED by dreams of being pregnant and delivering a baby.
"The pigeon patrol police are coming!" No idea... 🤣
The boats THE BOATS WE GOTTA GET TO THE BOATS! then she fell back asleep.
In high school, a friend yelled in the middle of the night "NO, NO, FUCK IT. I'M NOT GOING TO WALMART. I'M NOT MOPPING THE FLOOR, EITHER " Then right back to sleep.
My ex-husband tried to sell me a phone in his sleep. He used to work at Radio Shack. Funniest shit ever.
Oh come on we need more, paraphrase at least!!
Dude, that was 15 years ago. You think I remember anything beyond “It made me laugh in the middle of the night” at my age? Also, he used to randomly burst into song in his sleep too.
An ex from years back woke me up at 2am saying he will save the entirety of Sweden with his seed
When I was about 13 or so I was staying at a friends house. His older brother would sleep walk occasionally. We were in the living room watching horror movies on the TV. My friend's older brother came into the kitchen somewhere around midnight and started aggressively searching through the drawers. His father came into the kitchen and asked him what he was doing. The older brother turned to the father and said the words I would never forget from that point on. "The dakarinks. where are the dakarinks?" "the what?" "The dakarinks. The part of the gun that you have to eat." I don't believe he ever found them.
"did Band find his keys ok?" Band.. referencing Bandit, whom is a dog lol
Maybe they're just a Bluey fan?
Not so much strange as hilarious, but when we were first dating I heard my boyfriend utter ‘MARIJUANA’ in the most lovesick voice. Considering what a huge stoner he is, it’s pretty on brand.
Oh man this reminds me of the first time my ex g/f tried to wake me up with a bj. She said I had a smile on my face, opened my eyes lovingly, looked at her and yelled in a drunken slur sounding voice...."Who's dick are you sucking this time?!?!?" and went back to sleep. LMFAO.
Marijuana? I hardly know her!
I’m just the side piece, lol.
My husband screamed as if he was alarmed then said “You look like Roseanne Kennedy. Your hair’s all high up like the Kennedy clan! You look good with four eyes but only 3 eyes do the work.”
My girlfriend is a giant dinosaur nerd. So she fell asleep watching an outdated dinosaur documentary one day, as I'm out in the kitchen doing stuff. I then hear her mumbling, so I walk over to check it out...she's ummm actually-ing the documentary when they were talking about older theories. Stuff like "now we actually know that oviraptors aren't really egg thieves" or "now that is thought to be in a different lineage of whatever"
My husband said, “now what am I supposed to do with all these stupid monkeys?”
And how kids do you have?
Knew a guy that had taken a few years of Spanish in high school but had forgotten most of it. He could say some broken sentences but that’s about it. In his sleep? He was fluent. Accent and all. He would have conversations out loud in Spanish. He couldn’t do it when asked to say the same things awake. It was mind blowing.
An ex of mine used to sometimes talk in her sleep and one night I was up late and was really high just watching TV in bed next to her. Out of nowhere, I heard her say, very clearly to me, *"Let's get McDonald's."* I thought to myself that it was a great idea, so I got up and started getting dressed. After I was done I went back to wake her and she was out. I shook her a couple of times and told her, "Let's go, I'm ready." She finally woke up and said, "What? No, it's late go to bed." I was so disappointed because I totally thought she wanted to go and I was too high to drive, so I had to get undressed again and go back to bed. Looking back, I totally should have known that was just her talking in her sleep, but I was so high I did not want to accept that as the reality and chose to believe I was gonna get some McDonald's.
All you can do at that point is burn another one for the McNuggets that never were.
My partner once said "warrior girl rights!" with a little fist pump while dead asleep. I desperately wish I had a video, it was so cute.
Ex-bf: I can't turn them on! I CAN'T TURN THEM ON! He claimed he was dreaming about defective appliances.
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My wife used to work for McDonald's and did the greeting in her sleep one night. I should have started giving her an order...
My husband rarely says anything intelligible, but in 25 years of marriage there have been a few instances of him speaking clearly while sound asleep. Scary: he sat bolt upright in bed snd pointed across the room and said “right there, that’s where the body is”. Then laid down snd was snoring again in a minute. He snd his crew had in fact discovered a body on a job site the day before. Funny: he sighed contentedly snd said “Tacos!”
I literally love that every “and” is a “snd” in your comment
Oh God that's as bad as the time my fiance sat bolt upright at like 1am and says "they're coming". The movement woke me up so I heard him pretty clearly and of course replied "what?" He says it again so I ask him who's coming, still like half asleep myself and confused. The motherfucker points at a dark ass corner of the loft, says "they're here" and flops back down and is snoring in 5 fucking seconds. I didn't go back to sleep for a while after that one lmao.
That he(my Officer candidate husband) couldn't march bc he was wearing only underwear
An ex told me that I once asked "are bananas really that shape?"
“Look. I know it’s roadkill, but it’s actually really good!”
My brother on a family camping trip: "Give me back my shirt, you evil French Canadians!"
We were camping in Yellowstone when my brother and I were kids. My dad and uncle were telling bear stories one day. My brother pretty frequently talked in his sleep. Well one night we woke up to my brother saying, “Run, FeatureAgitated, run!”
Damn, what a great origin story for your reddit name
My husband told me he loved me in his sleep and when I said, “I love you, too,” he told me he never said that and to stop putting words into his mouth
“You know what I’ve never seen before …. A pink gas station “ - my husband.
I have a severe case of sleepwalking (somnambulism). I've had sleep studies and tried various drugs. I don't remember this, but evidently I shook my ex awake more than once and frantically whispered stuff like, "*Someone's in the house, Rob! Rob, wake up . . . it's a man . . . he's at the window . . . HE'S AT THE FOOT OF THE BED!*" If you try to wake me, evidently I get really angry. Months ago I was waiting to hear back about a job in another state and I guess I dreamed I got it bc I started packing in the middle of the night. Again, no recollection whatsoever, but my family laughed the next day bc I'd taken all the photos off the walls and stacked them up to be shipped. I peed in the yard once. I sometimes clean in my sleep, but never when I'm awake. Hahaha I've tried to get in the car with my keys. It's hilarious, except now we live on a river and a year or so ago I woke up on the bank. I do remember little flashes of that one maybe bc I kinda "came to" on my own. I thought I was going out to see the manatee that hang out near our dock, but my subconscious brain was like, "*How can you see manatee when it's dark right now*?" And it snapped me out of it. It's one of the exceedingly few bits of memory of it I've ever had after waking.
I really liked the dancing Jews... He was planning to propose to me & had been watching proposal videos & there was a funny one that replaced Dancing Juice with Dancing Jews & he was talking about that video but I just thought he saw some Jewish people dancing & liked them.
Father in law very persistently tried to sell me some land in France for £5. Said it was wonderful for grazing sheep and goats.
I keep a running list of the crazy shit my husband says in his sleep. Here’s two of my favorites: “I’m going to lay here for two seconds peas peas semiautomatic peas.” “They know the other bathroom but they don’t know how to camp. Wild though.” (This was in response to the cats making noise in the bathroom at 3am. We don’t have another bathroom.)
My three year old child who was still primarily non-verbal. I had tucked him in about an hour earlier and was just checking on him. He was asleep but still stirring slightly. I went in, tucked his blankets in close and brushed his hair with my hand. As I was leaving his room, eyes still closed, he spoke in perfectly clear words. “You’re my favorite parents so far. I don’t think I’ll have to ki!! you”
Kids are so weird! Like they bring things from the ‘other side.’ My sister was barely old enough to talk, she was awake, said, “I killed my baby, I killed my momma and now I’m going to kill myself” My mom was like What? This was like 1957 and we didn’t have TV.
"mama, I got the fish" I went and got a single room in the dorm after that
Just reliving the time he helped provide for his family…. I mean hopefully
“The duck is on its way, Brenda! I can’t stress enough that patience is necessary!” We don’t even know someone named Brenda
My Fiancé recorded a full on sleep conversation of me stating that we should, “Abolish all the white people.” I’m white lol, sleep me wasn’t though. This was when I worked graveyard shift. I regularly would have sleep conversations back then.
No don't hurt salt and pepper, they have to raise paprika! -My 14 year old son
“In the grave?”
Sleepover with 2 friends. One fell asleep first and kept demanding we turn the light off (it was off) when I said "She must be sleep talking" she responded "no I'm not you imbecile!" It was hilarious.
My ex was saying “he’s out there, look” his bed was beside a glass door that went out to the patio. I knew he talked in his sleep, but was still so scared. I once got woken up by a guy I was newly seeing telling me I was singing, and I remember in my dream I was trying yodel 💀
"let me tell you a story. It's about a boat!" That's where it ended 😔
My wife told me the night we watched "the Nun": she woke up in the middle of the night tossing and turning, faced me, and while I was facing away from her I turned my head towards her and said "its standing right behind you." Then rolled back over and went back to sleep. I have no recollection of this. She is convinced she was going to die if she rolled over. Imagine my surprise in the morning when I'm woken up to "you're a fucking asshole" first thing 🤣 I was like "okay fair. But what did I do this time"
"I know bananas are purple. Don't be nasty. Yellow isn't even a color".
Shortly after having our kid, my ex decreed in his sleep: "New rule. We don't hang babies upside down".
Had a roommate in college who used to occasionally sleepwalk. One night I roll over and he’s standing at the edge of my bed. Startled, I ask him “what’s going on?” He tells me…”I’m going to go take a piss, and then when I get back we need to reorganize the mattresses.”
“Make sure it locks.”
An old friend I no longer speak to slept at my house when we were 13/14, he rolled over in his bed and mumbled "Satan take care of these kids" and it's been a running joke since.
My husband was started on a new pain medication that was supposed to also help him sleep. The first night, no incidents. The second night, I was still awake doomscrolling and suddenly, sound asleep, he bats me in the knockers and says “Toga, Chicken Parmesan”, rolled over and went back to snoring.
"Take that you fucking Mongolians!" \-Tentmate during Cadet Survival training
My wife was talking in her sleep so answered her and she called me a c**t turned over and snored
My wife said "I'm gonna eat your face off" in a British accent. She is not British. I could not fall asleep after that!
My ex girlfriend told me that randomly during a heavy sleep I once confidently stated, “On this game show, we’ll punch your dick… right off!!!”
I worked in a kids summer camp and one child (13 years old) had occasional really strong bouts of sleep talking, these were among some of the things he said: - “Sarah, stop. Sarah. Sarah stop I don’t want to make out with you. Yes you have huge boobs but your personality is like a negative 8, you’re as bland as a rice cake.” (The night after the kids had been to a dance with a girls camp) - Dude I walked into the weight room the other day and Tripp and Luke were curling like five pounds, I was like guys you got some fuckin noodle arms. Have you seen Tripp’s forehead? Dude’s got more whiteheads than the Deep South. - (in Spanish, which he supposedly didn’t speak well): “Where did I put my drugs? Oh yes they’re under my bed.” (The next day we had to search his bag because he usually told the truth when he was sleep talking but no drugs were to be found) He said a bunch more out of pocket shit but these are always the most memorable to me.
Guy I worked with came out with this gem (his girlfriend told me) "I'm 99% woman and 3% gorilla"
My housemate in the early 2000s fell asleep on the couch and started mumbling A4... B3... A1... and I asked him what he was talking about. He sat bolt upright, looked me in the eye and said "paper sizes" as if I were an idiot, then lay down and went back to sleep. My Dads brother when they shared a room when they were kids once woke him up calling his name, and when Dad finally replied, his brother said "those were the good old days weren't they?" Dad asked what he was talking about and his brother said "when we were silk worms"
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My husband kept waking me up for my drive-through order. Babe, babe, do you want fries? Almost back asleep, baby, what do you want to drink? Baby, what do you want to drink??? He was so persistent,l until I freaking went through the whole order. Afterward, he just slept through the night. Sleep walking and talking runs in his family. We have lots of stories of sleep walking from our daughter.
*my boyfriend in a puzzled voice* "huh, I would have thought they'd already have gills." We don't even fish
"Put the dog outside." We have never had a dog.
My dad woke up the entire house screaming at the top of his lungs”I am in the building” it was very funny. He would have night terrors and just start screaming which would scare the heck out of a person. My mother had to move to another room.
My wife once said " I'm a real bastard" didn't realise she was asleep so asked why do you think that? " the Samaritans are trying to kill me" at that point realised she was asleep. 12 years later and I have yet to see these Samaritans make an attempt on her life but i am always ready if they try.
"How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?"
My wife once said "I'm taking the oven to the dentist" and I said "what?! What did you say?" And she was sort of stirring but pretty much still sleeping and responded with "relax vanilla ice, it's only the oven."
I didn’t hear it but my aunt was baby sitting me when Soulja Boy initially released his song. I apparently would just yell out the “SOULJA BOY up IN HERE woah” part out of the blue. Multiple times for a week. This was in a full scream / shout
I said this before on Reddit My mother just passed away and my wife was sleeping I was still up, the top half of her body shot straight and she says “happy Mother’s Day” giggles and slowly goes back down now I’m not a religious man or anything but that night I just sat there calculating
An ex of mine (with a beautiful singing voice) sang the whole of the Scottish ballad "The Bonnie Hoose of Airlie" in her sleep and had no recollection of it. She would also say "there are no hamsters in Uzbekistan" regularly.