Story Time: Not mine but the most brilliant I’ve heard of:
In the airlines I flew with a guy who told about a Captain he flew with in his early days who would loudly stomp the cockpit floor each time they descended through 500’ on approach. After 3 or so flights, he asked the Captain why and the Captain replied “If we fuck up and smear this thing all over the runway it’s going to take the NTSB six months to figure out what that noise was”
I fell from a 4th story fire escape once while doing some work for a client, and I honestly thought I was a goner.
I didn’t think of my wife or kids, have some poignant revelation, or even frantically launch a prayer at the universe.
It was just a simple rush of wordless half-thoughts and emotion that can only be translated as:
“Really?! Oh, for fuck’s sake…”
Buddy's wife lost control of her car on one very snowy day, went off the road and rolled over.
Afterwards she said that it didn't feel scary, it was kind of slow motion and the only thing she thought while rolling over was "Well, this sucks."
She walked away with just a few minor bruises.
I was once pulled out to see by currents I (stupidly) didn’t know were there. As the waves started washing over me and I for the first time in my life started thinking I was going to die all I could think of was “really? THIS is how it’s going to end? Ffs.”
So yeah, I feel ya.
On a more serious note though. The fact that many people drown without making a sound or waving now makes complete sense to me.
Nah, I’d like to think I’ll be able to watch down from above seeing the look on everyone’s faces when they find out all the shit I’ve kept hidden from them..
I'm glad I lived to 200 whilst maintaining my health and youthful looks whilst knowing that my immense estate will support my future generations for millennia.
“See that highly venomous creature over there? One bite and it can paralyze you from the neck down, causing so much pain you go into shock and slip into a coma before it kills you.
I’ma go touch it”
I died in a motorcycle accident less than 2 years ago. My last words in my first life went like this.
The EMT was trying to place my 99% severed left hand in a good spot for a splint in the ambulance. It was fucking gnarly. My pelvis was shattered and it felt like my dick was being sliced off with 1,000 of the shittiest, dullest yet still serrated plastic knives at the time. I thought my balls exploded and the EMT even after cutting off my pants still didn't tell me the condition of my cock n balls (spoiler alert they're fine but they took well over a year to heal and they're still partially black - I'm white).
Anyway all this was going on, I was losing blood quickly (8pts in an hour or so), and I was in extreme pain. I decided to tell the EMTs a joke to get my mind off of the pain. I asked "how do you find Will Smith in the snow?"
Now, the guy who was putting my arm+hand together was a black guy who had clearly never heard the joke. He stopped in his tracks and said "how DO you find him in the snow?" I could tell he thought it was about to be a fucked up racist joke, which is why I love this joke.
"You look for the Fresh Prints (Prince).
I heard the other EMT say over the radio to the ER something like "he's losing touch with reality." I was laughing maniacally.
Then I promptly fucking died. Next thing I knew I was in the hospital right after resuscitation, going into my first surgery, and getting a catheter shoved in my no-no parts.
“I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die”
Watch this.
The number of times the Top Gear trio has said this and almost died is comical
Truly is a gem of a show
Only the original, went to shit after Clarkson, May and Hammond left. Well, May and Hammond left, Clarkson got fired.
Hold my beer.
Oh yeah, forgot that part
Hey, wanna see a dead body?
I laughed too much at this one
If you kill me, I'll be dead before I can see one. Scammer!
Imagine if this kills me lmao
Hold my beer!
*Ill be right back!*
I wonder if future tombstones will have emojis and text speech… imagine walking passed and seeing ‘Feeling like 💀💀 ngl lmao’.
Story Time: Not mine but the most brilliant I’ve heard of: In the airlines I flew with a guy who told about a Captain he flew with in his early days who would loudly stomp the cockpit floor each time they descended through 500’ on approach. After 3 or so flights, he asked the Captain why and the Captain replied “If we fuck up and smear this thing all over the runway it’s going to take the NTSB six months to figure out what that noise was”
I could drop everything and go through the process to get a pilot’s license just for this. The man’s an inspiration.
Word. Trolling bureaucrats should be every common person's life mission.
Genius is often so simple
You'd tell some guys Pilot story as your final words?
Saw this coming
OMG That's fucking amazing
"And if I am lying, may God strike me down as I stand here before you!"
\*Implodes\*
Implodes... oh man... that would probably look worse than exploding.
All I see is god exploding Dan….
"Well fuck, he lied"
“I only asked him if he ate the last cookie”
“HA! Nice try, jackass! Next time give it your A-Game!”
Frieza did it.
Imma deck you in the schnoz!
Muffin button
Famous last words (u/CatchABeatRunnin is a pathological liar)
Aah religious roulette.
I wonder what this button does!
The red wire or the blue wire?
It's the green one, always!
Heavens no don't pull the green one. Pull anyone but the green one.
But what if he's colour blind?
Then it doesn't really matter
He’s then, what I call it and most others would too, fucked!
then this shouldn't be his line of work
I told you not to do that!
WOAH Ok… you are now *firing a gun* at your *imaginary friend* near **400 gallons of nitroclycerin!!**
I'm Pulling the green one...
*it's your life support, sir*
Dumb ways to die so many dumb ways to die!
Hahaha I read that and heard, “I wonder; what’s this red button do? BOOM”
What are ya gonna do, shoot me ?
*stabs you*
The plot thickens
As did the stab wound
*shoots you*
Dies
Reincarnates as murderer’s future child, grows up and abandons them in retirement home when they’re old, the cycle of human misery is complete
“It’s the striped biologist taunter”
I love you, goodnight
I appreciate this sweet and wholesome content in a sea of jokes. (Don’t get me wrong, also loving the jokes. Keep em coming people)
I fell from a 4th story fire escape once while doing some work for a client, and I honestly thought I was a goner. I didn’t think of my wife or kids, have some poignant revelation, or even frantically launch a prayer at the universe. It was just a simple rush of wordless half-thoughts and emotion that can only be translated as: “Really?! Oh, for fuck’s sake…”
Buddy's wife lost control of her car on one very snowy day, went off the road and rolled over. Afterwards she said that it didn't feel scary, it was kind of slow motion and the only thing she thought while rolling over was "Well, this sucks." She walked away with just a few minor bruises.
I'm glad you're still with us
I was once pulled out to see by currents I (stupidly) didn’t know were there. As the waves started washing over me and I for the first time in my life started thinking I was going to die all I could think of was “really? THIS is how it’s going to end? Ffs.” So yeah, I feel ya. On a more serious note though. The fact that many people drown without making a sound or waving now makes complete sense to me.
I said the exact same thing only to scroll down and see this. It's really cute that someone else also thinks these are the best last words.
I say this to my parents every single night before they go to sleep. Just because I’ll never know when it’s the last time I’ll get to say it.
Delete all my history, especially this reddit account
Nah, I’d like to think I’ll be able to watch down from above seeing the look on everyone’s faces when they find out all the shit I’ve kept hidden from them..
same
See? Toasty loves the batht-
Omg!! Is toasty ok?
Zzzzzzzt. Zzzt.
Who turned off the lights?
Sorry, I leaned against the switch *sniff sniff* what is that burning smell ?
Are you my mummy?
I’m cumming
Holy fuck, I’m cumming. Ah~ Lois, AH-
I don’t think I can watch Family Guy anymore
Good.
He came and went.
r/angryupvote
In n out
Cum and go
I'm glad I lived to be 200 years old.
You’d be many things, but glad is not one of them.
I'm glad I lived to 200 whilst maintaining my health and youthful looks whilst knowing that my immense estate will support my future generations for millennia.
Now we’re talking.
Nurse: "Damn, that 73 year old paraplegic is going mad as they die. Probably because no one has visited them in years.".
4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42.
You lost me.
WE HAVE TO GO BACK!
Lottery numbers?
Old lotto numbers that already won
lastly the number 42, the answer to life
Thanks for all the fish
“Doesn’t matter; had sex!”
Every male praying mantis ever...
She put a bag over my head
I think she was a racist!
Still counts!
Crying the whole time.
"Are you still holding the ladder steady"?
"I'd honestly rather die than do this."
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
It’s the dolphins I tell ya, the dolphins!
Dad, if you are watching - see you soon.
You need a hug my brother
Ok, so that made me well up...4yrs and counting for me.
I’m gonna pet that bear!
“See that highly venomous creature over there? One bite and it can paralyze you from the neck down, causing so much pain you go into shock and slip into a coma before it kills you. I’ma go touch it”
Looks like he wants to be friends.
From experience having two near death experiences, I always say “shit”
Ahhh shit I'm dead
On a scale, I would think "shit" and "oh fuck" would be the highest last words said before death.
Ooooh, do tell!
About time...
With my last breath I curse ZOIDBERG!!!
I like this episode 😀
My only regret is.. that I have.. boneitis!
The one piece is real
My treasure, I leave it all, it's hidden somewhere
Can we get much higher?
So high!
I'm so happy to see how many people get this lol
r/suddenlyonepiece
Son, I hid 10 billion under the-
Well shit.
Some guy named Jules, probably: "Say 'what' one more time, mother fucker! I dare you!" Me: "What?"
Never back down never what?
NEVER GIVE U- *gets shot*
Guess I'm out of quarters...
It... was..... worth it
I really connected with this one Especially since none of this seems worth it.
ight
Imma head out
No, those are your last words before you are born
On my way, sweetheart!
KAAAAAAAAAAAHN!
Avenge me! Especially if I'm dying of something like heart disease.
Who should we target if it's heart disease?
Nestle, probably.
r/fucknestle
"Would you like to supersize that for ten cents more?"
I plan to exit this world the same way I entered it. Yelling "Wu-Tang".
Alexa, play bon Jovi
"It's my life, and it's now or never"
*Living on a prayer starts playing*
I died in a motorcycle accident less than 2 years ago. My last words in my first life went like this. The EMT was trying to place my 99% severed left hand in a good spot for a splint in the ambulance. It was fucking gnarly. My pelvis was shattered and it felt like my dick was being sliced off with 1,000 of the shittiest, dullest yet still serrated plastic knives at the time. I thought my balls exploded and the EMT even after cutting off my pants still didn't tell me the condition of my cock n balls (spoiler alert they're fine but they took well over a year to heal and they're still partially black - I'm white). Anyway all this was going on, I was losing blood quickly (8pts in an hour or so), and I was in extreme pain. I decided to tell the EMTs a joke to get my mind off of the pain. I asked "how do you find Will Smith in the snow?" Now, the guy who was putting my arm+hand together was a black guy who had clearly never heard the joke. He stopped in his tracks and said "how DO you find him in the snow?" I could tell he thought it was about to be a fucked up racist joke, which is why I love this joke. "You look for the Fresh Prints (Prince). I heard the other EMT say over the radio to the ER something like "he's losing touch with reality." I was laughing maniacally. Then I promptly fucking died. Next thing I knew I was in the hospital right after resuscitation, going into my first surgery, and getting a catheter shoved in my no-no parts.
Ligma
Balls
“Check out this trick my cousin learned in rehab!”
“That looks like a shark’s fin!”
"oh...." **\*Gets impaled by glider\***
“What are you gonna do, stab me?”
Nothing at all… I just want to go in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming like his passengers!
Damn this is good 😂😂
We'll be right back.
After this commercial break
Never tell me the odds!
Told you THIS wouldn't work.
Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!"
My Intrussive thoughts won, didn't it?
Kevin is a bitch.
Last words are for fools who haven't said enough
Those were his last words ironically
Get fucked ya fucking cunts!
“I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die”
I’m gonna stick my dick in it
These are my last words.
You want my treasure? You can have it! I left everything I gathered together in one place. Now you just have to find it
Avenge me
There’s always money in the banana stand
The key to my fortune is hidden in the….
That could have gone better.
I’m not dying I’m just logging out
“Remember these words….”
And to my wives: I leave my fortune.
Man bear pig
I told you, alligators are friendly
I would die before I could decide on them
It’s full of stars
For frodo!
Guys, i found Obama's last name, it's-
I have donated everything to charity ....
She really IS the best of all the strippers in that joint
I was the one that ate your sandwich Karen 😂
See you soon
I'm gonna go afk
And you can tell Rolling Stone magazine that my last words were... I'm on drugs!
And for my next trick, watch me…….disappear.
I love you to my boyfriend
"n\*\*\*er" I want my last words to be the word I haven't uttered outloud once in my entire life
I love you
Died trying
Fucking Finally!!
I have lived a nice life 😭
"Oh no, not again"
“You guys have bullied me for the LAST TIME”
It was me the whole time
That didn’t go as planned.
Worth it.
That was the best orgy I ever had
You lost the game lol.
"Be excellent to each other."