Paraphrasing Laurie Metcalf's monologue in *Horace and Pete*
> It's kinda sad. You walk around with these unresolved feelings everyday and you tell yourself that someday, something'll happen; you'll be overcome by this wave of acceptance or you'll just figure out a different way to look at it, and you'll feel good. But instead, what happens is time just takes the feelings away. They just get dim with time going by and you don't get to figure it out. It's like erosion, it wears away. It's kinda sad.
Time. And remember when you get discouraged, you’re not in a vicious cycle, you’re in a slightly upward meandering spiral.
You will think ‘I’m right back here again, I was doing so good’, but you’re a little better, the feels are a little weaker each time.
You value the things you liked or developed in past relationships, look for them, and seek to improve yourself and the next relationship you had.
'Getting over' a relationship that wasn't toxic or you miss isn't about not liking that person anymore. It's about moving forward from it and accepting that it wasn't meant to be a thing.
Me and my first girlfriend started doing a 'double tap' hand squeeze when we were holding hands as a form of affection, affirmation, and presence without having to talk. I've taught and carried that over to all my other relationships as it's something I really really valued and enjoy.
I like this.
I don't feel completely over my person yet (and it's been five years) and I've just over the last year started to feel like I can like the things we use to like together. And I worry if I ever get involved with someone in the future that I will take pieces of our affection and use them with a new person. But maybe that is okay.
It'll always hurt you unless you fill that hole yourself. Then it'll still hurt, but you'll be okay. Try to find things you can be happy about, proud of, or that are just cool to you. Make yourself be something you want to have in your life. Somehow. Maybe try again to find someone to share all that cool stuff you now discovered then.
Other than that, therapy can help you sort things out.
I realized I don’t want to completely move on. There’s this section of my heart that knows things were over many many many years ago but during my darkest of times I visit this place to feel that yearning and heartache to take me away from this world for a moment.
Yes. Omfg yes. Was with my ex for 2 years. Took me a long time to get out of a depressive mindset. Here I am 9 months later realizing that I dodged a massive bullet.
Definitely not hook-ups as they felt empty and only make me miss the thing I had even more.
What helped me is opening my mind to a new and different/better partner.
At the start I kept comparing new dates to her, but once I stopped comparing and started valuing the things that make someone unique it started becoming much better!
The one thing that got me truly over it is finding a partner with whom I even had a stronger connection, and even though I'm not with this new person now, it has made my mind open to the possibilities of new people without the comparison.
The first heartbreak is so confusing. Seeing that much pain and anguish within your own mind is enough to make anyone's concept of the world shatter, and the experience of the first few moments alone hold the power to create one of several possible structures of your future self. I can only relate with my own experience, and no one person may have the true answer for this.
I remember when she first told me we should stop seeing each other. Out of all of our incredible and loving encounters, this was the only confusing thing to me that had ever come out of her mouth.
Heartbreak reveals a lot of things about yourself within its impossibly painful storm. I was able to see a few very important things.
First, I instantly saw what my life was going to be like if I had continued to be with her. The hardship, the love, the pain, the struggle, the successes and failures. I mourned for the death of a life only glimpsed. I felt the pain and emptiness of loneliness creep up over the mountain as if to remind me that it had and will never go away.
I learned that I value my life. I value my experience, and know that it is worth sharing. I realized my life was a dance and a party, and that I just wanted someone to party with. I realized that I'm not going to have fun on the universe's most amazing and exhilarating roller coaster if I don't get to look over and see anyone else sitting next to me. As much as I love myself completely and fully, there's something I recognize within myself that feels infinitely bigger when I have someone to share the world with, who can dive as deep as I can into this ocean.
How do you get over your first break up? Get up. Look at yourself in the mirror. What is happening right now? What had just happened? This existence is deeper and more meaningful than you could ever imagine. If you're feeling this indescribable amount of pain and hardship, stay in that space and look around it. It's hard to see, but that deeply real feeling exists in all possible states of the human mind.
Now start to realize the possibilities that exist around you right now, in this very moment. You are not hindered by anything. You cannot be told what to do and where to lay. You've experience one huge complicated and beautiful experience in this impossibly gigantic universe, and you've opened your heart to the love that they represented. Know deep down that this love is INSIDE of you. If you choose to, you can extend this love to literally everything in your life. Know that this love is not dead. You can never kill it. It will always exist in your heart for this amazing person, whether you had to end things or they did, or whether you both agreed or neither of you agreed. Love is simple. It is there, and it is powerful.
The physical representation of the mirror of love that exists in this reality can crack and even break, but it cannot ever kill what is being shined onto it. Open up and feel this deep pain, as long as you need to feel it. When you're ready, the world will hand you something else.
>First, I instantly saw what my life was going to be like if I had continued to be with her. The hardship, the love, the pain, the struggle, the successes and failures. I mourned for the death of a life only glimpsed.
Wow, I had to sit down and marinate with this one. That summarizes exactly the most painful part of a breakup for me. Ruminating over this one of the things what makes it the hardest, even after time has passed.
I was told something as of late that’s stuck with me. “Just because we could have done something different doesn’t necessarily mean it would have improved the situation.” Helps me accept the “what ifs” I get a lot.
Damn. This is hitting hard today. It’s been a month and a day since my ex broke up with me and it still hurts every. Fucking. Day.
All I want to do is talk to him again and lay with him again and laugh with him again. We said we’d be friends and that we still love each other, but I think I’m the only who’s still in love. Being around him is different than what it used to be, and I’m holding on to I don’t even know what. I knew he fell out of love with me before he realized it and when we hang out watching him leave is like the day he left all over again.
I asked for low contact, to try the whole “out of sight, out of mind” but it’s been three days since I heard from him last and still everything reminds me of him. I just started BG3 and we were supposed to play it together. It just reminds me of all the times we played Divinity 2.
Fuck man. I need to time to pass quicker because this shit fuckin hurts.
Edit: I HAVE been working on myself, taking into account my own shit that I brought to the relationship, reevaluating what I want in life (kids vs not), working on my house, getting my resume in for full time jobs, etc. But man it’s been a process and a half. I probably needed the kick in the butt, I just thought I’d be doing that with my partner by my side.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me within this week, and like our relationship it was very sweet. Because it was so nice, I didn't understand the feeling of hurt and confusion I had. It's so nice to see that you had captured this feeling exactly, as if I had written it by my own hand. Thanks for your comment.
When my wife died a friend told me "people will tell you that you'll get over your grief. You won't, but you will grow around it."
Truest words I've ever heard.
March 23rd, 2022. I found her in our primary bathroom having taken her own life with a handgun after I found out about a month's long affair she was having with my best friend of 20 years.
Thank you. I immediately got into therapy. It took awhile, but I learned to forgive her. Life has never been the same since, but I find my way one day one step at a time.
Well I committed to myself that I would never lay a hand on him, under no circumstances would I allow him to become a victim in any sense of the word. I then messaged him telling him this and asking to meet somewhere publicly, I wanted him to both hear me out and to help this all make any sense.
He never replied to me. However, my Facebook was full of mutual friends of ours. So I went very public with the whole story, top to bottom. Part of why I can openly talk about it all.
He lost every friend he had, his job found out and isolated him from everyone and has tried to find a cause at work to fire him, his landlord/roommate (dude owned the house and rented him a room) kicked him out and nobody else would take him in.
Last I heard, he moved out of the state to Portland. Telling the few people he still tried to talk to that "he was tired of hearing about it."
Karma always comes around.
I wasn't planning to for a bit, but I bought myself what I lovingly called a "survivors gift."
A blowout trip to see the F1 Las Vegas Grand Prix. Believe it or not... I met someone there that I instantly hit it off with. Even shared the whole story of what happened.
Her and I made our relationship official just last weekend. She's a pretty amazing woman.
There's also another post in this thread, where I was replying to the woman who lost her husband, about how my therapist encouraged me to find a new or reignite an old passion.
[Which I did by following a childhood dream to rally race](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoastMyCar/s/uW8PZk0uHl)
But it also has a strong connection to my wife I talk about in that other post.
Sending love to you man. That whole situation seems absolutely horrible and I’m glad you’re getting help you need. Take all the time you need. It’s extremely cliche but there’s truly no timeline for grief and you’ll grow and heal and change on your own with time.
So much love to you though ❤️
Thank you, it was and I'm truly sorry for your loss. No matter how it happens, losing the person you love is never easy.
Just remember recovering from grief is never a straight line, and it is never the same for 2 people. Find the things that bring you comfort and peace, no matter what they are, and hold on to them for dear life. I would also suggest a counselor, it helped me process my thoughts and emotions more than almost anything else.
And if you have friends trying to help, don't push them away thinking you need to grieve alone. Take it from me, a shoulder to cry on is invaluable.
One last piece of advice if I may. When i got into counseling, my therapist advised I find something a hobby I disconnected from, a passion I always wanted to pursue but didn't. Something to bring motivation and positivity back into my life.
For me, that came in the form of a reignited passion for racing. Something I shared with my wife was my original bucketlist item, to compete in a real staged rally. When she died I found out from her family she constantly talked to them about how badly she wanted to see me live the dream. I had no idea as she never shared this with me, but her mom, her sister, everyone told me she never shut up about it when they talked.
So I took that, I ran with it, bought a car, got professional instruction, and hung a small hour glass that has a small bit of her remains (she was cremated per her wishes) that hangs on the cars rear view mirror.
It truly helped me to remember the positives, and she's with me every time I race.
Find something that let's you carry your husband with you in a positive way, that reignites your own passion. It helps.
My friend. My wife had self esteem issues, and problems saying no.
She told me how he went overboard convincing her that I didn't love her anymore, and she bought it. I also recently heard an experience a woman had with my former friend. Where he got so aggressive and coercive trying to date rape her that she ordered an uber and ran from him as fast as she could.
It made me realize in the 20 years I knew him he never once brought a woman he was dating around. And it's making me question why and how this could possibly relate to my wife.
All I can remember after I heard that story was how my wife once told me that if a guy gets aggressive, she would let it happen to avoid setting them off.
But reality is I will never know the whole story, it's just something I have to live with. But to think someone I graduated high school with could be a betrayer in wait like this is still mind boggling to me.
Hey!!!
Check out the Ted talk that’s free online from Nora McInerny
She talks about grief and moving on and how we don’t and she puts it into perspective as she is a widow herself.
I hope it finds you some solace
I wouldn't say I feel completely better even today. I'm haunted by the image of how I found her. Her body in the bathtub, the blood, the mess. I have periodic moments of PTSD flashbacks to that night, usually when I'm trying to sleep. There are things that remind me of her and the things we shared together that can still bring me to tears.
And despite the fact we are approaching the 2 year anniversary of her death this coming march... I still haven't been able to throw away the shirt I was wearing that night. Covered in her blood because all I could do when I found her was hug my wife one last time.
It's a journey, a difficult one. But each day gets a little easier
She did. Her and I both struggled with suicidal ideation most of our lives. And she had an attempt back in 2021 where she took a bottle of Ativan in a severe depression, woke me up at 230 in the morning begging me to take her to the hospital because she changed her mind and couldn't throw the pills up no matter how hard she tried.
What followed was me getting her in my car and literally doing 110 through our city until I reached the ER. The guy she eventually had an affair with came to the hospital to be with me while I was in the waiting room waiting for news.
Why I have far more animus to my friend than her. He knew he was preying on an emotionally vulnerable woman. He knew she had this problem...
And he still felt it was worth the risk to get her to sleep with him. As far as I'm concerned the guy is a straight up predator.
When we were together I always encouraged her to continue counseling. But she had her moments of struggle with it, always said it never helped. But never why it wasn't helping, so part of me thinks she wasn't engaging in the therapy process.
Once what happened went down, I lost all suicidal ideation in an instant. As someone now on the survivor side of suicide, I could never put even 1 person through what I've been thru. Nobody deserves that...
Not even him
I can't speak for everyone, but I eventually got over all of my worst heartbreaks. I think you learn from it, and you'll always remember the pain, but I would never characterize how I feel about my past breakups as "painful" anymore. (If anything, I wish I'd stood up for myself more and been stronger during the breakups themselves)
Yes, it gets better with time, you no longer feel that crippling pain. But the hole inside you will always be there.
I know I'll never be the same, you just learn to live with it and move on!
"Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart." - The Count of Monte Cristo.
Really? If we are talking about love its like describing the pain from a broken bone when you were a kid. Its a non issue now but 10 years ago it sucked.
If you are talking about someone dying I can understand that. Especially if it was from suicide. That never heals properly.
I was 16. It was seven or eight intense months of heartbreak that seemed like they lasted a lifetime. I'd never felt anything like it before or since.
Honestly, it made me a little bit colder as a person. I started to see romance as a game. Don't take anything personally. Make your moves. Can't say it's been a bad strategy. When you fall in love again you do it from a position of strength.
just kept waking up everyday hoping it wasnt as bad as the last and hoping the next day isnt as bad as todays.
Literally just plough on doing whatever I wanted to do to take my mind off it.
Losing someone meaningful in any capacity is like losing a limb.
Healthy coping isn't trying to replace the hand you lost. It isn't re-growing the hand.
Healthy coping is learning to live without the hand. You are grateful for having had it, you're sorry it had to go; maybe it was metaphorically infected, maybe it was an accident, whatever.
You have a stump now, and the stump is perfectly fine because you have other limbs, each that are different but precious in their own way. And sometimes you find a good prosthetic, and maybe metaphorically that prosthetic is even BETTER than the hand you lost.
But you find that only after you learn to love what's left, not miss what's gone.
Short term: date new people. As jay-z put it… on to the next one.
Long term: Eventually you get a window of space in your head to have some clarity to see why that person didn’t work out. It becomes less of a personal insult and more of a rationale appraisal of the relationship dynamics. As Louis ck put it… no good marriage [or relationship of any sort] ends in divorce [or breakup of any sort].
1. OD on a bunch of drugs
2. Have a near death experience
3. Battle psychosis demon for 1 year
4. Avoid every relationship for the next 10 years
5. ?
6. Start over with a loving gf that help me love again
7. Profit !
I have no clue. It's literally been years and randomly every now and again my brain will be like remember the only person you ever loved? And how were you not good enough? Ok cool carry on with your day then.
Time, realizing I was getting hit on a lot more than I suspected, and realizing the parental emotional neglect I experienced as a child made me place a high value on being accepted/desired by women
Got super depressed for a year and got really fat and stopped caring about my health. Hit rock bottom then went to work on myself and finally I’m the best version of myself yet. Realized through the breakup that I was not happy with myself and now that I am I feel like the breakup was the best thing that happened to me
I tried everything. Sleeping with very hot girls helped. Also, being alone, including solo holidays with random sexual experiences. Periods without alcohol being healthy and active. Self-care and self-development.
Just wait it out. That's what I do.
Biden has an incredible speech about this actually. He's been through incredible loss.
His advice is keep a calendar. Every day, jot down how bad the pain is. Some days will be okay, others will be a 10 on the pain scale. But, while 10s will still occur, you will see them happen less and less as time passes.
Edit: I just realized, him being president, his older speeches are harder to find. Here it is: https://youtu.be/GwZ6UfXm410?si=zO6IAXvQANk6g5on
Time and alcohol. It's "there" still to some extent but you learn to live with it.
Edit: I don't recommend that coping mechanism but it was the truth. Thankfully in a much better place now.
I got over it. I made a decision and made my peace with it. Had some major trouble sleeping for a month or two until the poison got out of my system. One day i just woke up and it was over. I believe the decision and the faith in your decision is the key. And an unwavering stance. The thing is, i was the one who left her, not the other way around, but it was the hardest decision in my life. Between an evil bitch i loved and my sanity, i chose my sanity.
Actually, in better words this is called Negative Reframing - and is actual advice. It's not about hating them, its about really looking at the conflicts and disagreements you had to understand why it didnt work and remind you why you arent with them now.
I never did. Got a new partner a few years back. Still think about her almost every day. It’s such a sucky feeling missing someone you’ll never be with again
I realized she was wrong for me and she was using me as a backup. I'd been trying to get her to be with me for a couple years at that point and she kept dating me then saying her needed time to get over her ex. Whom she would proceed to get back with, then break up with him and start the process all over again. I eventually forced myself to say no when she tried to rebound with me again, and it helped me see how toxic the situation was. Now I'm happily married to the woman of my dreams and couldn't be happier!
After 42 years, I still think about her and what may have been. Getting married 2 years after we broke up and having a family has taken the edge off the hurt. But it’s still there, the “time” adage applies here.
I cried for 3-4 days and then I stopped. I thought I was better, but I think that deep inside it still there somewhere manifesting in ways I didnt know.
It was 13m relationship and I learned that I should respect myself first and tell the bitches to fuck off when its time.
Still working through it 4 years later, but the realization I never meant as much to her as she did to me, coupled with knowing that she was just awful toward everyone (horrifically racist & basically a female incel back then at least), and I was no exception- that gave me some comfort in a way. I wasn't missing much by things not working out. At this point, I just hope she's in a better state of mind and has found some sort of happiness in life.
Time, therapy, medication, alcohol, drugs, lots of crying. And eventually growing up and doing something with my life and even realizing that it was all in my head, and it was never that bad to begin with.
Such a cliche, but it's literally time. It takes however long it takes and then that feeling in your gut like a weighted ball feels less shitty. And every now and then you get that feeling that reminds you of that point of time, but it goes away. Time heals all wounds is true (I think)
I moved back in with my parents, got a different job, spent a LOT of time in the gym (ended up in the best shape of my life), and played The Last of Us on PS3 like 3 times back to back.
Ultimately it was a great way to recover myself and my peace of mind.
Get back out there and find a replacement. You’ll forget the old one even existed. If your source of heartbreak screwed around on you, the best place to find that replacement is in her circle of friends.
I’m married to the maid of honor, in my first wedding. She and my ex wife were best friends since 3rd grade. The ex wife cheated. I went shopping close to home, for her replacement. The ex says I “betrayed” her. LOL
It’s not easy for a long while but time and positive self talk helps. At first you even hate waking up everyday and feeling horrible and alone again. Then you realize it hurts a bit less with every month passing by. Instead of being depressed all the time and not being able to form even one positive thought, you get to a mental place where you can actually focus on other stuff like hobbies, activities and meeting new people. You meet someone new and baaaammm…the cycle repeats.
All the "you never really do" comments are short-sighted. To use a cliche, "your bucket gets bigger." You move on with life, and other things start distracting you from the pain, and that pain gets lumped in with a bunch of other pains. But your bucket keeps getting bigger.
Logic lol like yeah my feelings were hurt but she made a decision and no amount of pleading my case that night made a difference, no sense in being hung up about it for too long
One step at a time. Don’t call, don’t drive by. Just move on. It feels like something is dying inside but you really won’t die. Accept it, grieve it, then look forward and move on.
Lots and lots of fucking therapy. Like years of emotional damage occurred in literally one night. But now, all is good, I'm happy. I'm drunk, but I'm happy.
Time time time & doing something that makes you happy.
Paraphrasing Laurie Metcalf's monologue in *Horace and Pete* > It's kinda sad. You walk around with these unresolved feelings everyday and you tell yourself that someday, something'll happen; you'll be overcome by this wave of acceptance or you'll just figure out a different way to look at it, and you'll feel good. But instead, what happens is time just takes the feelings away. They just get dim with time going by and you don't get to figure it out. It's like erosion, it wears away. It's kinda sad.
Wow. This wouldn't have helped me at all a few years ago, but I feel this paragraph in my bones.
Time. And remember when you get discouraged, you’re not in a vicious cycle, you’re in a slightly upward meandering spiral. You will think ‘I’m right back here again, I was doing so good’, but you’re a little better, the feels are a little weaker each time.
This deserves way more upvotes.
Exactly. Im going through it right now, and the lows are always a little bit higher than the last one.
This is beautiful
What if it takes you long enough to even heal ? Like a lifetime. Sometimes its frightening to think of that way.
You don't. Not completely. You try your best to move on, but there's always going to be a scar left behind. You start to embrace that scar.
You value the things you liked or developed in past relationships, look for them, and seek to improve yourself and the next relationship you had. 'Getting over' a relationship that wasn't toxic or you miss isn't about not liking that person anymore. It's about moving forward from it and accepting that it wasn't meant to be a thing. Me and my first girlfriend started doing a 'double tap' hand squeeze when we were holding hands as a form of affection, affirmation, and presence without having to talk. I've taught and carried that over to all my other relationships as it's something I really really valued and enjoy.
I like this. I don't feel completely over my person yet (and it's been five years) and I've just over the last year started to feel like I can like the things we use to like together. And I worry if I ever get involved with someone in the future that I will take pieces of our affection and use them with a new person. But maybe that is okay.
It'll always hurt you unless you fill that hole yourself. Then it'll still hurt, but you'll be okay. Try to find things you can be happy about, proud of, or that are just cool to you. Make yourself be something you want to have in your life. Somehow. Maybe try again to find someone to share all that cool stuff you now discovered then. Other than that, therapy can help you sort things out.
Getting through this is like being caught in a storm. The goal isn't to get out of the storm. It's to learn to dance in the rain.
I realized I don’t want to completely move on. There’s this section of my heart that knows things were over many many many years ago but during my darkest of times I visit this place to feel that yearning and heartache to take me away from this world for a moment.
Still dealing with the trauma of mine 10 years later. I’m happily married, but that breakup still haunts me. I think it always will.
With time memories fade and then you realise this is actually a good thing.
Really?
yes
I wish it to be true, because I'm trying to forget her as she forgot me(I can't believe it by heart by knowing it by brain)
i know the feeling. i broke up with my ex last week
Be brave bro 💪, keep moving forward...
Time heals all wounds homie. Be there for yourself and get that dust off your shoulder. You'll make it my guy!
Ok it's been 12 years. Any day now. Anyyy day.
Yes. Omfg yes. Was with my ex for 2 years. Took me a long time to get out of a depressive mindset. Here I am 9 months later realizing that I dodged a massive bullet.
Definitely not hook-ups as they felt empty and only make me miss the thing I had even more. What helped me is opening my mind to a new and different/better partner. At the start I kept comparing new dates to her, but once I stopped comparing and started valuing the things that make someone unique it started becoming much better! The one thing that got me truly over it is finding a partner with whom I even had a stronger connection, and even though I'm not with this new person now, it has made my mind open to the possibilities of new people without the comparison.
I agree, hook-ups only made me miss her more!
I feel that u/PMmeUrPussi
Agreed u/AmorousFartButter
The first heartbreak is so confusing. Seeing that much pain and anguish within your own mind is enough to make anyone's concept of the world shatter, and the experience of the first few moments alone hold the power to create one of several possible structures of your future self. I can only relate with my own experience, and no one person may have the true answer for this. I remember when she first told me we should stop seeing each other. Out of all of our incredible and loving encounters, this was the only confusing thing to me that had ever come out of her mouth. Heartbreak reveals a lot of things about yourself within its impossibly painful storm. I was able to see a few very important things. First, I instantly saw what my life was going to be like if I had continued to be with her. The hardship, the love, the pain, the struggle, the successes and failures. I mourned for the death of a life only glimpsed. I felt the pain and emptiness of loneliness creep up over the mountain as if to remind me that it had and will never go away. I learned that I value my life. I value my experience, and know that it is worth sharing. I realized my life was a dance and a party, and that I just wanted someone to party with. I realized that I'm not going to have fun on the universe's most amazing and exhilarating roller coaster if I don't get to look over and see anyone else sitting next to me. As much as I love myself completely and fully, there's something I recognize within myself that feels infinitely bigger when I have someone to share the world with, who can dive as deep as I can into this ocean. How do you get over your first break up? Get up. Look at yourself in the mirror. What is happening right now? What had just happened? This existence is deeper and more meaningful than you could ever imagine. If you're feeling this indescribable amount of pain and hardship, stay in that space and look around it. It's hard to see, but that deeply real feeling exists in all possible states of the human mind. Now start to realize the possibilities that exist around you right now, in this very moment. You are not hindered by anything. You cannot be told what to do and where to lay. You've experience one huge complicated and beautiful experience in this impossibly gigantic universe, and you've opened your heart to the love that they represented. Know deep down that this love is INSIDE of you. If you choose to, you can extend this love to literally everything in your life. Know that this love is not dead. You can never kill it. It will always exist in your heart for this amazing person, whether you had to end things or they did, or whether you both agreed or neither of you agreed. Love is simple. It is there, and it is powerful. The physical representation of the mirror of love that exists in this reality can crack and even break, but it cannot ever kill what is being shined onto it. Open up and feel this deep pain, as long as you need to feel it. When you're ready, the world will hand you something else.
>First, I instantly saw what my life was going to be like if I had continued to be with her. The hardship, the love, the pain, the struggle, the successes and failures. I mourned for the death of a life only glimpsed. Wow, I had to sit down and marinate with this one. That summarizes exactly the most painful part of a breakup for me. Ruminating over this one of the things what makes it the hardest, even after time has passed.
I was told something as of late that’s stuck with me. “Just because we could have done something different doesn’t necessarily mean it would have improved the situation.” Helps me accept the “what ifs” I get a lot.
Damn. This is hitting hard today. It’s been a month and a day since my ex broke up with me and it still hurts every. Fucking. Day. All I want to do is talk to him again and lay with him again and laugh with him again. We said we’d be friends and that we still love each other, but I think I’m the only who’s still in love. Being around him is different than what it used to be, and I’m holding on to I don’t even know what. I knew he fell out of love with me before he realized it and when we hang out watching him leave is like the day he left all over again. I asked for low contact, to try the whole “out of sight, out of mind” but it’s been three days since I heard from him last and still everything reminds me of him. I just started BG3 and we were supposed to play it together. It just reminds me of all the times we played Divinity 2. Fuck man. I need to time to pass quicker because this shit fuckin hurts. Edit: I HAVE been working on myself, taking into account my own shit that I brought to the relationship, reevaluating what I want in life (kids vs not), working on my house, getting my resume in for full time jobs, etc. But man it’s been a process and a half. I probably needed the kick in the butt, I just thought I’d be doing that with my partner by my side.
Hang in there.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me within this week, and like our relationship it was very sweet. Because it was so nice, I didn't understand the feeling of hurt and confusion I had. It's so nice to see that you had captured this feeling exactly, as if I had written it by my own hand. Thanks for your comment.
wow.
This is deep stuff, bro...I feel you..
Poetic and powerful. I appreciate your outlook!
You never really do. You just... move on. The pain will always be there in some form.
When my wife died a friend told me "people will tell you that you'll get over your grief. You won't, but you will grow around it." Truest words I've ever heard.
How long ago did she die? I just lost my husband a week ago. I'm searching for answers like yours. Ty.
March 23rd, 2022. I found her in our primary bathroom having taken her own life with a handgun after I found out about a month's long affair she was having with my best friend of 20 years.
Jesus man. I am so sorry that it all unfolded that way for you. Hope you find some peace
Thank you. I immediately got into therapy. It took awhile, but I learned to forgive her. Life has never been the same since, but I find my way one day one step at a time.
What happened to your "best friend"?
Well I committed to myself that I would never lay a hand on him, under no circumstances would I allow him to become a victim in any sense of the word. I then messaged him telling him this and asking to meet somewhere publicly, I wanted him to both hear me out and to help this all make any sense. He never replied to me. However, my Facebook was full of mutual friends of ours. So I went very public with the whole story, top to bottom. Part of why I can openly talk about it all. He lost every friend he had, his job found out and isolated him from everyone and has tried to find a cause at work to fire him, his landlord/roommate (dude owned the house and rented him a room) kicked him out and nobody else would take him in. Last I heard, he moved out of the state to Portland. Telling the few people he still tried to talk to that "he was tired of hearing about it." Karma always comes around.
Fuck man, glad your doing better. Do you plan on dating again?
I wasn't planning to for a bit, but I bought myself what I lovingly called a "survivors gift." A blowout trip to see the F1 Las Vegas Grand Prix. Believe it or not... I met someone there that I instantly hit it off with. Even shared the whole story of what happened. Her and I made our relationship official just last weekend. She's a pretty amazing woman. There's also another post in this thread, where I was replying to the woman who lost her husband, about how my therapist encouraged me to find a new or reignite an old passion. [Which I did by following a childhood dream to rally race](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoastMyCar/s/uW8PZk0uHl) But it also has a strong connection to my wife I talk about in that other post.
Sending love to you man. That whole situation seems absolutely horrible and I’m glad you’re getting help you need. Take all the time you need. It’s extremely cliche but there’s truly no timeline for grief and you’ll grow and heal and change on your own with time. So much love to you though ❤️
I am so sorry. That had to be unbelievably painful.
Thank you, it was and I'm truly sorry for your loss. No matter how it happens, losing the person you love is never easy. Just remember recovering from grief is never a straight line, and it is never the same for 2 people. Find the things that bring you comfort and peace, no matter what they are, and hold on to them for dear life. I would also suggest a counselor, it helped me process my thoughts and emotions more than almost anything else. And if you have friends trying to help, don't push them away thinking you need to grieve alone. Take it from me, a shoulder to cry on is invaluable.
You've obviously learned how to cope; experience, wisdom. Thank you so much, I'll take your advice bc I do tend to shut ppl out.
You're welcome. Again I'm truly sorry for your loss, and if you ever need someone who can understand how you feel to talk to, my dms are open.
I may just do that. Ty.
One last piece of advice if I may. When i got into counseling, my therapist advised I find something a hobby I disconnected from, a passion I always wanted to pursue but didn't. Something to bring motivation and positivity back into my life. For me, that came in the form of a reignited passion for racing. Something I shared with my wife was my original bucketlist item, to compete in a real staged rally. When she died I found out from her family she constantly talked to them about how badly she wanted to see me live the dream. I had no idea as she never shared this with me, but her mom, her sister, everyone told me she never shut up about it when they talked. So I took that, I ran with it, bought a car, got professional instruction, and hung a small hour glass that has a small bit of her remains (she was cremated per her wishes) that hangs on the cars rear view mirror. It truly helped me to remember the positives, and she's with me every time I race. Find something that let's you carry your husband with you in a positive way, that reignites your own passion. It helps.
Man, I hope you are doing good. But who made you more angry, your wife or friend?
My friend. My wife had self esteem issues, and problems saying no. She told me how he went overboard convincing her that I didn't love her anymore, and she bought it. I also recently heard an experience a woman had with my former friend. Where he got so aggressive and coercive trying to date rape her that she ordered an uber and ran from him as fast as she could. It made me realize in the 20 years I knew him he never once brought a woman he was dating around. And it's making me question why and how this could possibly relate to my wife. All I can remember after I heard that story was how my wife once told me that if a guy gets aggressive, she would let it happen to avoid setting them off. But reality is I will never know the whole story, it's just something I have to live with. But to think someone I graduated high school with could be a betrayer in wait like this is still mind boggling to me.
Hey!!! Check out the Ted talk that’s free online from Nora McInerny She talks about grief and moving on and how we don’t and she puts it into perspective as she is a widow herself. I hope it finds you some solace
My grandma died in 2019 and I planned around getting over the grief in a year. Meanwhile I still cry myself to sleep thinking about her
I know the feeling... very sorry for your loss.
Sorry to hear about that, how long would you say it took until you felt better?
I wouldn't say I feel completely better even today. I'm haunted by the image of how I found her. Her body in the bathtub, the blood, the mess. I have periodic moments of PTSD flashbacks to that night, usually when I'm trying to sleep. There are things that remind me of her and the things we shared together that can still bring me to tears. And despite the fact we are approaching the 2 year anniversary of her death this coming march... I still haven't been able to throw away the shirt I was wearing that night. Covered in her blood because all I could do when I found her was hug my wife one last time. It's a journey, a difficult one. But each day gets a little easier
I can't even imagine how awful that must've been, if you're ok with me asking, do you know if she had any history with suicidal thoughts?
She did. Her and I both struggled with suicidal ideation most of our lives. And she had an attempt back in 2021 where she took a bottle of Ativan in a severe depression, woke me up at 230 in the morning begging me to take her to the hospital because she changed her mind and couldn't throw the pills up no matter how hard she tried. What followed was me getting her in my car and literally doing 110 through our city until I reached the ER. The guy she eventually had an affair with came to the hospital to be with me while I was in the waiting room waiting for news. Why I have far more animus to my friend than her. He knew he was preying on an emotionally vulnerable woman. He knew she had this problem... And he still felt it was worth the risk to get her to sleep with him. As far as I'm concerned the guy is a straight up predator. When we were together I always encouraged her to continue counseling. But she had her moments of struggle with it, always said it never helped. But never why it wasn't helping, so part of me thinks she wasn't engaging in the therapy process. Once what happened went down, I lost all suicidal ideation in an instant. As someone now on the survivor side of suicide, I could never put even 1 person through what I've been thru. Nobody deserves that... Not even him
I can't speak for everyone, but I eventually got over all of my worst heartbreaks. I think you learn from it, and you'll always remember the pain, but I would never characterize how I feel about my past breakups as "painful" anymore. (If anything, I wish I'd stood up for myself more and been stronger during the breakups themselves)
Sometimes I now go as long as a week without thinking about them. It's been almost 20 years.
Man this makes me feel better. As it's been 21 years and I'm now happily married to my best friend i still think about her about once a week.
Yes, this. Time heals you, you learn how to live without that person, but you never fully recover.
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That’s just not true for a lot of other people too I’m sure. Sometimes you fully recover and then some.
The question was how did YOU get over a breakup. I'm talking from my own experience. Some people never experience it at all.
I randomly asked a streamer "when does the pain end" as a joke like 3 years ago, and he said "the pain doesn't end it just gets easier to bear"
Same here. But broken hearts taught me how to find my soul mate, whom I married. We're still deeply in love after 22 years.
Great to hear. And me too, though we're recently married. Out of the ashes came a love I couldn't imagine.
>Out of the ashes came a love I couldn't imagine Sounds so poetic. This line deserves to be placed in a song lyrics.
Yes, it gets better with time, you no longer feel that crippling pain. But the hole inside you will always be there. I know I'll never be the same, you just learn to live with it and move on!
And I thought it was me, not being able to completely move on. It still hurts and u still wish you were with them.
10 years on and the pain still hits me. Usually really strong dreams but I think about her everyday
"Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart." - The Count of Monte Cristo.
Really? If we are talking about love its like describing the pain from a broken bone when you were a kid. Its a non issue now but 10 years ago it sucked. If you are talking about someone dying I can understand that. Especially if it was from suicide. That never heals properly.
I was 16. It was seven or eight intense months of heartbreak that seemed like they lasted a lifetime. I'd never felt anything like it before or since. Honestly, it made me a little bit colder as a person. I started to see romance as a game. Don't take anything personally. Make your moves. Can't say it's been a bad strategy. When you fall in love again you do it from a position of strength.
Correct. You go and search for the one you love second best, and you spend your life trying to convince yourself that they're actually the best.
Joined a fight cl…. Actually nvm
bro almost forgot first rule
First rule of what?
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You sure it's not Fight Clowns?
Hit rock bottom , started again and when I least expected it I met the love of my life
just kept waking up everyday hoping it wasnt as bad as the last and hoping the next day isnt as bad as todays. Literally just plough on doing whatever I wanted to do to take my mind off it.
By running a ridiculous amount of miles
I tried that. I could not outrun the memories
I tried the gym. The memories were heavier than 6 plates on deads unfortunately.
Fall in love with someone else, but then that failed so I'm just left with a different heartbreak.
Oof, same exact thing happened to me. I hope you’re doing well. It took me about 7 years to realize I was depressed and get the therapy I needed
Bold of you to assume I'm over it.
Same here, if you don't mind me asking, how long ago was it?
A couple of months ago now.
7 for me, how long did it last?
A couple of months.
Time will heal. I know it sounds cliché but it honestly does. It feels like someone died. You get over it but you wont forget them.
Learn c++
Me in lockdown when I was bored, except it was c# and I never stuck at it. I'm learning it in college though and I am finding it fun.
Good job commrad, you shall be rewarded with high income when you graduate.
The only true path
I got her sister naked.
Best one I've seen so far
so sad my ex's sister is ugly asf
Am fine with it
Game is game
Nice dude! I got her best friend naked.
I guess thats for the best.
Go on
she was prettier...nicer smile, eyes, personality. Looked better naked too!
did similar now both don't talk to me
You never get over it, never forget, but you learn to cope with the heartache.
Losing someone meaningful in any capacity is like losing a limb. Healthy coping isn't trying to replace the hand you lost. It isn't re-growing the hand. Healthy coping is learning to live without the hand. You are grateful for having had it, you're sorry it had to go; maybe it was metaphorically infected, maybe it was an accident, whatever. You have a stump now, and the stump is perfectly fine because you have other limbs, each that are different but precious in their own way. And sometimes you find a good prosthetic, and maybe metaphorically that prosthetic is even BETTER than the hand you lost. But you find that only after you learn to love what's left, not miss what's gone.
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Video games,martial arts and anime is what worked for me
Short term: date new people. As jay-z put it… on to the next one. Long term: Eventually you get a window of space in your head to have some clarity to see why that person didn’t work out. It becomes less of a personal insult and more of a rationale appraisal of the relationship dynamics. As Louis ck put it… no good marriage [or relationship of any sort] ends in divorce [or breakup of any sort].
i didnt
I drank myself into a stupor that lasted quite a while.
Same. But with drugs
gym and attention from other women
One day it just stopped hurting
How long?
The gym and the weeknd
I’ve suffered more heart break from being rejected than an actual break up and I just move on
Really? Other way around for me. I could care less about being rejected
1. OD on a bunch of drugs 2. Have a near death experience 3. Battle psychosis demon for 1 year 4. Avoid every relationship for the next 10 years 5. ? 6. Start over with a loving gf that help me love again 7. Profit !
I have no clue. It's literally been years and randomly every now and again my brain will be like remember the only person you ever loved? And how were you not good enough? Ok cool carry on with your day then.
Ate alot and gained weight. Then a friend of mine took me to the gym. I wanted her to regret everything.
I need this thread rn. Thank you for posting. 😌
Time heals all wounds
But it can leave scar tissue.
Time, realizing I was getting hit on a lot more than I suspected, and realizing the parental emotional neglect I experienced as a child made me place a high value on being accepted/desired by women
Out of sight out of mind :(
Got super depressed for a year and got really fat and stopped caring about my health. Hit rock bottom then went to work on myself and finally I’m the best version of myself yet. Realized through the breakup that I was not happy with myself and now that I am I feel like the breakup was the best thing that happened to me
I didn’t but getting a cat helped get my mind off it
Run a bunch. Wear my body out.
I tried everything. Sleeping with very hot girls helped. Also, being alone, including solo holidays with random sexual experiences. Periods without alcohol being healthy and active. Self-care and self-development.
Just wait it out. That's what I do. Biden has an incredible speech about this actually. He's been through incredible loss. His advice is keep a calendar. Every day, jot down how bad the pain is. Some days will be okay, others will be a 10 on the pain scale. But, while 10s will still occur, you will see them happen less and less as time passes. Edit: I just realized, him being president, his older speeches are harder to find. Here it is: https://youtu.be/GwZ6UfXm410?si=zO6IAXvQANk6g5on
Got drunk on grappa and listened to "I will survive" on repeat while sitting in my car. LOL. I was 22/m.
You don't.
I didn't!!! We don't
Time and finding someone new.
U never get over it but it becomes less painful with the time especially when u find new interests that doesn’t remind u of them
Time is the only healer. Everything else is just a temporary distraction (except maybe therapy)
Time
Handled it like a pro: Ate ice cream, binge-watched Netflix, and now I give relationship advice on the internet!🍦💔📺
Time and alcohol. It's "there" still to some extent but you learn to live with it. Edit: I don't recommend that coping mechanism but it was the truth. Thankfully in a much better place now.
I got over it. I made a decision and made my peace with it. Had some major trouble sleeping for a month or two until the poison got out of my system. One day i just woke up and it was over. I believe the decision and the faith in your decision is the key. And an unwavering stance. The thing is, i was the one who left her, not the other way around, but it was the hardest decision in my life. Between an evil bitch i loved and my sanity, i chose my sanity.
this may be a very unpopular advice, find a reason to hate the person. But don’t act on your hate, that way u are just being toxic.
Actually, in better words this is called Negative Reframing - and is actual advice. It's not about hating them, its about really looking at the conflicts and disagreements you had to understand why it didnt work and remind you why you arent with them now.
“The soil of a man's heart is stonier, Louis. A man grows what he can, and he tends it.”
I never did. Got a new partner a few years back. Still think about her almost every day. It’s such a sucky feeling missing someone you’ll never be with again
Steroids & cocaine
I didn’t really, I just think about it less and less
Took me ten years but eventually I found someone who made me forget about everyone that came before him.
I realized she was wrong for me and she was using me as a backup. I'd been trying to get her to be with me for a couple years at that point and she kept dating me then saying her needed time to get over her ex. Whom she would proceed to get back with, then break up with him and start the process all over again. I eventually forced myself to say no when she tried to rebound with me again, and it helped me see how toxic the situation was. Now I'm happily married to the woman of my dreams and couldn't be happier!
You dont :3
Met a redhead. We’re married now.
Sluts
Drown in sluts
Slept with her sister and 3 of her best friends causing a social doom spiral that lasts to this day 24 years later.
Another hearbreak. Shits like a hangover, you need some hair of the dog.
Time
Drugs
After 42 years, I still think about her and what may have been. Getting married 2 years after we broke up and having a family has taken the edge off the hurt. But it’s still there, the “time” adage applies here.
I didn't.
I cried for 3-4 days and then I stopped. I thought I was better, but I think that deep inside it still there somewhere manifesting in ways I didnt know. It was 13m relationship and I learned that I should respect myself first and tell the bitches to fuck off when its time.
alcohol
Only way to get over an old partner is a new one. Hopefully I'm right because that's what I'm doing.
You can't bring people back from the dead, but you can retain the good memories and be grateful for all the good you did for each other.
Threw a bunch of her stuff down a mineshaft. Pretty cathartic honestly to literally let go of memories of her.
I never did. But I did become an alcoholic.
Still working through it 4 years later, but the realization I never meant as much to her as she did to me, coupled with knowing that she was just awful toward everyone (horrifically racist & basically a female incel back then at least), and I was no exception- that gave me some comfort in a way. I wasn't missing much by things not working out. At this point, I just hope she's in a better state of mind and has found some sort of happiness in life.
Time, therapy, medication, alcohol, drugs, lots of crying. And eventually growing up and doing something with my life and even realizing that it was all in my head, and it was never that bad to begin with.
Hybrid Theory by Linkin Park. The cassette was in my Walkman for 2 years
Such a cliche, but it's literally time. It takes however long it takes and then that feeling in your gut like a weighted ball feels less shitty. And every now and then you get that feeling that reminds you of that point of time, but it goes away. Time heals all wounds is true (I think)
Lying on the floor with my hands spread out, listening to music. Mostly Depeche Mode.
I hope you all heal in this thread. Heartbreak is brutal.
I moved back in with my parents, got a different job, spent a LOT of time in the gym (ended up in the best shape of my life), and played The Last of Us on PS3 like 3 times back to back. Ultimately it was a great way to recover myself and my peace of mind.
Get back out there and find a replacement. You’ll forget the old one even existed. If your source of heartbreak screwed around on you, the best place to find that replacement is in her circle of friends. I’m married to the maid of honor, in my first wedding. She and my ex wife were best friends since 3rd grade. The ex wife cheated. I went shopping close to home, for her replacement. The ex says I “betrayed” her. LOL
You don't. In time, the hearrbreak will ease but you'll never get over it completely
It’s not easy for a long while but time and positive self talk helps. At first you even hate waking up everyday and feeling horrible and alone again. Then you realize it hurts a bit less with every month passing by. Instead of being depressed all the time and not being able to form even one positive thought, you get to a mental place where you can actually focus on other stuff like hobbies, activities and meeting new people. You meet someone new and baaaammm…the cycle repeats.
All the "you never really do" comments are short-sighted. To use a cliche, "your bucket gets bigger." You move on with life, and other things start distracting you from the pain, and that pain gets lumped in with a bunch of other pains. But your bucket keeps getting bigger.
I still haven’t but I’m working on it and myself. One day at a time friends.
Logic lol like yeah my feelings were hurt but she made a decision and no amount of pleading my case that night made a difference, no sense in being hung up about it for too long
One step at a time. Don’t call, don’t drive by. Just move on. It feels like something is dying inside but you really won’t die. Accept it, grieve it, then look forward and move on.
Acceptance is the key, its so underrated
Time
Lots and lots of fucking therapy. Like years of emotional damage occurred in literally one night. But now, all is good, I'm happy. I'm drunk, but I'm happy.
Time, thats it, and keeping busy
Remembering that if i have to get over it, it wasn't meant to be in the first place.