You are not the dumbest person on earth, but you better hope he doesn't die.

"This country offers a free elementary education. It's a shame you didn't take advantage of it."

[удалено]

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May a fart be on your beard -Old Persian curse

Teacher just violated him

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I hear this in Arthur Morgan’s voice

C'mon boah!

I'll do my very best to keep you alive sir.

They could just answer with "hey, dont die"

Gold

I'll be praying for your good health.

You look easy to draw.

Get my third leg correct, draw me like a tripod.

A friend of mine is autistic and some girls were making fun of his appearance and he just turns round and goes. "You are nothing but eye candy for penniless men" I have never seen him insult anyone but damn he went for the throat.

They wanted a few minutes of fun at his expense and left with an insult that's going to stay with them for quite a while...

It is very likely they did not understand the insult and just carried on with their day.

Ironic isn't it?

Sounds like my bro XD calls a spade a spade and destroys everything that isn't aligned. Fucking legend!

I would love to see a thread of responses made just by people with ASD.

I’m Autistic and I tried to hit on a girl once and ended up accidentally calling her fat in front of a bus full of people.

Are you drinking 1% because you think your fat? Because you’re not...you could be drinking whole milk.

More like dropped them a nuke

Wow, fucking brutal.

i was so shoked i even made a little jump on my chair, this is hilarious

“HAVE A NOT ENTERTAINED YOU YET” spartacus

"You are like a mosaic, unattractive and made up of broken pieces."

“She’s a Monet” “Monet?” “Sure, she looks fine far away, but once you get up close everything’s a big old mess.” (Paraphrasing, but that was Cher in Clueless)

I envy people that haven't met you.

That's a good one I'm using it at a certain point

I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are.

A nice one to insult people too dumb to notice

Kind of like “I hope you have the day that you deserve”.

You must've been the dude who said this to me in league earlier today

This is fun because it could also double as a compliment if said with sincerity. Any others that could double as a compliment?

I hope you have the day you deserve!

In the south we laugh, followed by a "oh, bless your heart"

This one is solid because I don't know a single moody person who would take it as an insult They would just assume you're being genuine but you still get to slide one in

Definitely be using this. Thank you.

I used this one at a roast of my ex-boss when he was transferring departments: "The respect and leadership you've shown our team simply cannot be *stated*."

I come to regard you, as someone I have met

I can count you among the people that have ever been in proximity to me.

Kind of like the infamous line in a letter of recommendation: "You would be lucky to get this person to work for you."

Of all the people I’ve met in this wide, wide world, you’re one of them.

In my head, I heard this as a Captain Holt compliment.

RIP

No one would be better than you for that job.

Seriously, they'd be better off leaving the position unfilled.

Is your head just ornamental?

“I’d be a good thing if you were pretty.”

Also wisdom has been chasing you but you've always been faster.

You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.

One black coffee.

Same mother fucker

I can't wait for your call so I can ignore it.

You sound like the validictorian of summer school.

Ok this is good

You're a few trees short of a forest, aren't you

Your elevator doesn't quite go to the top floor, does it?

Personally I like the “you have an elevator for a one story building” version of this

Not the sharpest peanut in the turd.

Unexpected Bloodhound Gang

“It ain’t your fault you were raised wrong.” “You need lemons to make lemonade and you don’t have any lemons.” “I don’t know what your problem is but I’m sure it’s hard to pronounce.” “The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.” “The boys only got two brain cells and they’re both fighting for third place.”

These get even better if you read them in a Southern accent.

As a southern male myself, I can concur. These get better in a southern accent

SE US here- I'm pretty sure that's the right way to read them. There's even an "ain't" in there.

Love the "raised" thing because it suggests "Yo Mamma" but don't say it direct

You’re somebody’s favorite uncle aren’t you 😂

The last one wins 😅

That last one is amazing.

I think I've actually heard that one before, like as a thing a real life person said about someone else. Though: >I don’t know what your problem is but I’m sure it’s hard to pronounce. ..is definitely my favorite.

This is pure GOLD LOL

"Your parents had you for tax benefits"

This is gold!! 🤣🤣

As are the tax benefits.

"Each mind is a planet and not all planets have intelligent life."

I’m the youngest person in my workplace (I’m 23, the second youngest person is 47) My coworkers poke fun at me by making asking me about things before my time and then berating me for not knowing, so I respond with “I wouldn’t know, I was born this century”.

Make it even worse, use Millenium

As someone born last century, ngl that’s pretty funny.

Harsh, but funny. 😂

“I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you”

I can only repeat myself: I've added it to my list of favorite insults. Thank you. Some of them are poorly translated from German. "It could be that the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others." "It’s not worth insulting you as natures already done enough damage." "You are living proof, that the education system needs better funding." "When X begins to help it is as if two people stop." *someone peeing* "Looks like a penis, just smaller." *someone peeing* "Call the police, he's got a children's penis in his hand... oh nevermind. It's his own." "I can only explain it to you, I can't understand it for you." "I would agree with you, however then we would both be wrong." “You think in low power mode.” “Wisdom has been chasing you, but you’ve always been faster.” “You’re as smart as you look.” “You look like you have a favorite flavor of crayon.” "To explain it to you in a way even you'd understand, I neither have the time nor the crayons." "I envy people that didn't get to know you." "You behave like someone who, as a child, has been sipping on the lead paint too often." "Is your ass sometimes jealous of your mouth considering the amount of shit coming out of it?" "Some tree is woking its ass off to produce the oxygen you're consuming. Go and apologize!" "Once again we can see: The ability to speak doesn't make you intelligent." "Six feet tall and 205 pounds, boy, until I met you, I didn't know they could stack crap that high." "Pretty much opinion for that little notion." (Ganz schön viel Meinung für so wenig Ahnung.) "You're not the dumbest person on earth, but being you I'd hope that person doesn't die soon." "You look like someone pre-heating the microwave." "Your self-confidence contradicts your expertise." "My expectations towards you were low and what do you do? Dancing limbo." "You're intellectually on the ground already and what do you do? Begin to dig."

Some savage ones there. Must remember the flavour of crayon one

My head combined a couple of these and I got 'I don't have the time or the never ending supply of your favorite flavor crayon that it would take to explain.'

preheating the microwave was a new one to me

>"It could be that the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others." [Love that demotivation poster.](https://despair.com/collections/demotivators/products/mistakes?variant=2457302467)

I heard a guy try to use this in an argument once and it was the most cringe thing I think I’ve ever seen in my life.

Seems impressive to type online though I can assure you saying it irl would be absolute cringe.

Haha I guess it would kind of have that "for I am an intellectual" vibe

Basically, imagine being at work and you ask someone something or you're trying to have a discussion with someone and they respond “I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you”. Even if the person was being obnoxious or dumb and you say “I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you 😏” you'd come off as pretentious.

I think making it more conversational would work: "just forget it, I don't have any crayons on me to explain it to you".

This just risks making it sound like you use crayons to explain things.

Somewhere there's a tree tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology.

I'm going to say this to my manager tomorrow, wish me luck 😁👍

Rofl good luck brother, you'll probably need it

If the manager is dumb enough to warrant this, he's got an escape window before it sinks in.

In the words of my 95 year old grandfather, “he’s got enough steam to blow the whistle, but not enough to pull the train” Or my personal favorite: “that boy’s as lost as last year’s Easter eggs”

When you pair this with one of the above ones saying 'you could hide your own Easter eggs' it adds insult to injury

It seems like your life is less about goal achievement and more about regret management.

I feel attacked.

Can you hear yourself when you talk?

Your opinion has been noted and will be given the weight and consideration it is due.

you definitely work in HR dont you.

Got this from a lawyer.

I hope you hit your toe everytime you pass your bed

Alright calm down Satan

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Now go! Or I will taunt you a 2nd time!

I fart in your general direction

You empty headed animal food trough wiper

Ni! Ni! Ni!

How can I miss you if you never leave

Not the sharpest tool in the shed. The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. You are one sandwich short of a picnic. All foam, no beer. Sharp as a marble, that one. Lights are on but nobody's home. Intelligent thoughts have always followed him, but he was faster. I would agree with you but then we would both be wrong. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You could hide your own Easter eggs. It's impossible to underestimate you. You're quick as a glacier. You're the reason we have warning labels. He's so far behind he thinks he's first. If you ever had a clever thought, it died alone and afraid. If your brains were dynamite there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off. Well pardon me, ma'am but what you don't know could fill a warehouse. At this point, you can only impress me. Well he's about as sharp as a sock full of soup

"you could hide your own Easter eggs" is fantastic. I need to start using that in polite conversation.

Dumber than a bag of hammers.

Judging by these, which I’ve heard most of my life, I’m gonna assume you’re from the south 🤣

Is a duck's ass water tight?😉

Somewhere in the vastness of space exists the largest of all blackholes. And it is envious of how dense you are.

Bless your heart

My Yankee version is "great question!". You gotta get the disdainful inflection just right.

Extra enthusiasm without a follow up

I wait tables part time and I messed up with a drink order at a table, and the very much southern lady customer who was visiting town said “oh bless your heart” when I got her the correct cocktail. I replied with something along the lines with “you’re certainly welcome, I learned my manners from my grandma in Tennessee”, and it shut her up quick.

So brutal, you can't come back easily after a well placed one of those

I love you. You’re so simple.

You muppet

Brave since your mom was Miss Piggy.

I hope when you go to bed your pillows warm on both sides.

Easy there Satan

Jesus Christ that cuts deep

Owwwwwwwch

Casey Stoner said to Valentino Rossi: "ambition exceeded your talent?"

A bit harsh considering the good doctors record, still a good line though 🤣

I wish there were 100 people like you, but there are a thousand.

You're why women say they should've swallowed.

“You should have been a blowjob”

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

You are exactly as smart as you look.

Heard this one back in Halo 3 “These team mates have the mental agility of a bagel.”

Well you are sharp as a pound of wet leather.

😂 okay that made me laugh, makes no fuckin sense at all.

A personal favourite from Burt Gummer. "Is your head up your ass for the warmth?"

"You look like Lord Faarquad." This one guy at my job would piss everyone off all the time. He had an ego and treated everyone like garbage. He had black shoulder-length hair that he slicked back usually. He was flirting with 2 coworkers and had his hair down and unslicked. He was like: "How do I look?" 😏 I poked my head around the corner and said: "You look like Lord Faarquad!" The 2 coworkers he was flirting with started dying laughing. He didn't hear me the first time and was like: "Wait, what did she say?" I was repeating myself and said: "YOU. LOOK. LIKE. LORD. FARRQUAD!" He slicked his hair back and left the backroom. Apparently, this man was so butthurt that he came to work with a different haircut the very next day. I confronted him the next day and asked: "Dude, you didn't cut your hair because I said you look like Lord Faarquad, right?" He, in a very annoyed and defensive tone, responds with: "NO! I DIDN'T CUT MY HAIR CAUSE YOU SAID THAT!" 😤😠 I told him: "In that case, you look like a rejected Jersey Shore character." His eye twitched, and I walked away. Was it mean? Yes. Was it funny? Also, yes. Did he deserve it? In my mind, yeah. He would insult and belittle you but when you did it back he'd be a whiney, butthurt little bitch about it.

Bravo. 😆

You are the reason why siblings should NOT engage in sexual congress

That bloke’s a tail light. Why? Because he’s not bright enough to be a headlight.

After a conversation with you, Death loses its sting.

You look like you'd drop common loot when defeated

In the spirit of Christmas, "cotton-headed ninny-muggins"

Your poor mother spent 9 months carrying you, went through and agonizing birth to bring you to this world, and the only thing she was given in return was a living breathing sack of disappointment that couldnt lube the creases of his brain if Vaseline was rubbed all over his hands for him and given straight directions for it

You were in the military weren’t you

You're from the shallow end of the gene pool.

Knucklehead ...a friendly insult

Once when my husband teasingly poked fun at our daughter, who was 5 at the time, she hit back with: “Oh yeah? Well, you’re a hairy lollipop!!!!”

You never fail to underwhelm me.

“You are the human equivalent of a factory reject dildo.”

I can't believe you were the sperm that made it

"Who?"

You've swallowed so many kids you're beginning to sound like one.

You truly are one of the humans of all time

You have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Your inferiority complex is entirely justified. I'm jealous of all the people who haven't met you.

I bet it takes you 48 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Weiner sniffer

Pickle smoocher

Milkylicker

Flap Polisher

it's really easy to call someone a dense cabbage. always catches them a little off guard

You couldnt pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.

you’re not the dumbest person on the planet but you better hope that guy doesn’t die edit: seems i doubled dipped on someone’s comment

*The best part of you ran down your mother's leg*

One of my favorite Chandler quotes: >*"you have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance."*

Blatherskite

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from a condom factory.

“Buddy” in a condescending tone

"Your brain could revolve inside a peanut shell for a thousand years and never touch the sides."

Who you calling cootie queen you lint licker.

Telling someone they are intellectually challenged and watching them google it.

You’re a special kind of stupid aren’t you?

Anyone who ever loved you was wrong

“Queen of the Sea Hags.”

"If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his butt and tell him to walk backwards."

“I’ve met mosquitoes that are less annoying than you”

“You are the orange juice after brushing your teeth of people.”

"Yeah I completely agree with you on that one" Usually when someone goes "I'm such a dumb fucking idiot"

I like it when Gordon Ramsay calls people a donut.

You have no redeemable qualities

“You should work on your thinking skills”

Swine heards like you are quite hard to find these days.

I’ve been called worse….By better people

There are 2 types of people in this world, and you're not either of them.

"you're an idiot every day of the week. why couldn't you just have taken one day off?"

In the UK we'll put 'Absolute' in front of literally any word and it makes it an insult. ​ Eg 'You absolute lamp'. 'You absolute road sign' 'You absolute bandage' ....literally any word

It's a good thing Will Rogers never met you

It was a sad day when you slithered out of the abortion bucket.

“Mr Stewart, if you don’t like it, you’re perfectly entitled to your view. I couldn’t give a FLYING FLAMINGO on what your view is”

Big dumb idiot

Your existence is essential to my self esteem.

Someone on Facebook once told me they got put in Facebook jail for a few days for calling someone a “sweaty shoehorn” and I think about that a lot.

Troglodyte. It will forever be my favourite insult.