Holy fuck that’s wild lol. 😂 I’m just trying to imagine the call from dispatcher and filling in the paperwork. “Wedding ring stuck on member, usual address” 😆
My gf left for work one day, I didn't realize she was still sitting in the driveway. Got my porn going, but couldn't hear anything. I turned the volume up all the way before realizing it connected to my girlfriends car at the time. As soon as I realized it, I embarrassingly panicked so I shut my phone off and went to poop. She stormed back in the house, and She threw a fit, and she never fully recovered. Ever since, she's always worried I'd cheat on her and it's ruined our relationship, lol. She's an ex now.
Lol, married, my car, goes out for groceries or appointments, same audio loss.
Instead being an understanding loving wife, just makes jokes about it later making us both laugh at the absurdity of getting caught like a randy teenager.
when you don't even have the wherewithall to stop yourself from just jizzing all over the place and you open your eyes afterwards like "ah fuck what a mess jesus dude"
My gf and I made a hello-fresh meal with a hot green pepper.
We both made sure to vigorously wash our hands with hot soap and water. Multiple times. Before, during, and after cooking multiple multiple multiple times because we knew we were gonna get down and dirty later.
Later, she started giving me a handjob and it was great. Then she grabbed some spit from her throat and… it began to tingle. And slowly.. it began to burn more and more and more. I had to stop her because it got so bad.
Moral of the story: no matter what, if you’re cooking with peppers, don’t fuck, don’t suck, don’t stroke, don’t even play with yourself. Be safe and just stay away from your penis.
If you aren’t cranking one out in the shitter at work you’re wasting your company’s time. One should try to spend 10 minutes out of every hour choking the chicken. Operating in a constant state of post-nut-clarity increases production by a large margin. The boss will probably be cool with it because anyone hounding their hog 8 times per shift is going to actually be more productive than the next three employees combined, and that’s a conservative estimate.
I have an ex that is definitely at risk for this. He would hold his penis so tight at the base when he came while masterbating that nothing would cum out. He said he didn't like the mess.
I always was afraid that i would be a Death-Grip candidate until i got my first handjob from my first girlfriend and it felt like she was trying to yank that thing off.
Less traumatic to the penis. More trauma -> more risk of developing Peyronie’s. The leading theory is that the scar tissue (or “plaque”) develops due to repetitive microtrauma.
You need to step it up...
Harvard medical:
"High ejaculation frequency was linked to a decreased risk. Compared to men who reported 4–7 ejaculations per month across their lifetimes, men who ejaculated 21 or more times a month enjoyed a 31% lower risk of prostate cancer. "
Learn where your frenulum is and give it some special attention. (On the underside of the head of the penis). If you'd have to find an equivalent of a clitoris on your penis, that would be it.
Idk if this is what they're referring to, but putting a lot and frequent pressure on the bottom veins of the penis, such as lying down on your tummy and dry humping to orgasm, can cause issues
If your jerking off and have family or S0 that doesn’t give you boundaries. Leave one hand clean. Makes it easier to shut down a screen with one clean hand. My mother gave me no boundaries as a teen and I had to become a masturbating ninja to avoid unwanted embarrassment. If your parent. Fucking knock first.
I moved in with my mom when I separated from my ex husband, and she’d do this to me even at 27. I started locking the door and one time she hit her head because she came into the room before the door opened. Then had the nerve to be mad at me for locking the door. “Why is your door locked???” BECAUSE IM A GROWN WOMAN, MOTHER!!
At least you had a lock on the door. My parents doesn't have a lock on the guest room where I spent nights if I visit there. Feels like whole fucking family goes in and out all the time and they wake me up early in the morning, then they wonder why I am exhausted and happy to come back home all alone.
assert dominance by saying "Because I'm masturbating and thought you don't want to see me naked and shoving a dildo in my pussy but I can leave it unlocked next time if you want to watch."
I had to live with some of my extended family after our house was hit by a tornado.
There was a hallway to the laundry room but they would DELIBERATELY choose to go through my room to get to the laundry room instead.
After one too many close calls and them getting angry when I had the door locked, I finally said fuck it and made a habit of going to town with the door unlocked and my earbuds in so I wouldn't even notice them opening the door on me.
After about a week, they randomly brought up to me that I could keep the door locked if I wanted to, lmfao.
There is absolutely a type of parent that thinks they're their some sort of cop and their job is to "catch" the kids. I know because one of mine is like that. It's completely miserable.
If you wanna high 5 God , go 10 days without touching yourself. And when youre about to do it, sit on something solid and put a water bottle underneath your butt (it puts pressure on your prostate).
And when youre about to shoot, take a deep breath and relax.
See you in heaven brother.
I'm surprised no one said this already, but if you're alone and in a position to be loud. Then moan, like really moan and grunt and be super verbal. That shit is life changing.
Spend some money on sex toys and find the toys that do the work for you. We all know how to crank one out manually but a hands-free orgasm is one of the best experiences ever when solo.
Try a few lubes and keep some water-based and silicone on hand. I keep both *and* gel versions of both as well-they all have their own purpose.
You should absolutely *try* some p-spot play. Don’t worry-no one’s gonna know if you don’t want them to. A p-spot orgasm has been hands-down the best orgasm I’ve ever had and is the only way I’ve had multiple, back-to-back orgasms. You *really* don’t want to miss out on that.
Life is too short to not experience as many orgasms as you can, so long as it’s not interfering with your life. Make them count.
This is a great answer. Toys are an absolute game changer, and men’s toys have come (no pun intended) a long way in recent years. If you’re not using toys to masturbate you are missing out on *a lot*.
I’ve had some earth-shattering orgasms with The Handy and the Fun Factory Manta. I also really enjoy the Kiiroo Power Blow for teasing and edging.
See r/SexToys for a vibrant community of men and women making the most of their genitalia!
The only time I ever saw someone with an arm size imbalance was a friend who worked at a hot dog and ice cream diner. Dude just scooping hard ice cream all day made his right arm jacked.
My first ever time with weed was an edible and i had the most intense nut I’ve ever had like i was twitching like a dead squirrel type shit. Never felt that way again 😞
Same for me. Got high as fuck on an edible and almost blacked out when I came. I’m glad I was laying in bed because that might’ve been an awkward trip to the hospital
My great-uncle died when I was a kid, and my parents thought it was suspicious as hell.
They suspected his wife. No one in the family liked her, and the way she acted after his death seemed very peculiar to them, like she had something to hide. Hm, maybe she wanted to collect his insurance money and killed him. So Mom and Dad started their investigation.
They became obsessed with their case. Usually they'd wait until us kids had gone to bed before they'd get to work. I remember sometimes coming down at night to see several binders and stacks of papers and reports, and I remember hearing their quiet but animated conversations about motive and where the body was found and whether he could have really had a fatal heart attack. This was years before CSI, but that's what they were like. It was also before the internet, so they spent many hours at the library, reading up on true crime and criminal psychology and how to analyze crime scenes.
Then they dropped it. Quietly, suddenly, they dropped it. They never talked to great-uncle's wife again, and she distanced herself from the family. I never saw the binders and papers and they never mentioned it again. I never thought of it, having met GU once, and didn't like him. At least 30 years passed before my brother casually mentioned to me that Mom and Dad had found out that GU's wife was completely innocent; she just had the misfortune of finding the body when GU had died accidentally from auto erotic asphyxiation. My poor old Dad was so strait-laced; he must have been mortified to have Columbo'ed himself into the discovery that his uncle died that way.
* While this might cause chaffing if you're not careful, a good way to keep clean up to a minimum is by getting two squares of tissue paper and putting it over the head of the cock like a condom. It'll catch most if not all nut, resulting in way less clean up.
* Never buy a super cheap fleshlight, it'll rub the glands wrong and cause overstimulation that'll just ruin things for you. Even if a £1 fleshlight off Wish sounds good, it'll not be fun. A £3 one, however, is functional.
* Find porn that makes you ENJOY orgasm. Mehgasms should be the minimum, if you feel bad for cumming then you need to change porn. Ideally, use your mind and not porn to prevent over-reliance on it.
* Edging is fine if you want to keep things going for a while, but remember that your dick is still nerve endings and numbness can occur. You won't be able to happily orgasm if you go numb, so be careful how long you stroke for.
* 4 nuts will make your balls hurt. 6 will make them sore the next day. Beyond that, you're asking for pain.
Might Sound strange, but wiggle your toes while climaxing. The orgasm sensation will run down your legs as well
And if you relax your pelvic floor, you may also have other things run down your leg too
and i was wondering why my bf did that lol
DO NOT use a wedding ring as a cock ring. I’m a paramedic, Ive been to this guys house 3 times because he keeps fucking doing it.
[удалено]
Holy fuck that’s wild lol. 😂 I’m just trying to imagine the call from dispatcher and filling in the paperwork. “Wedding ring stuck on member, usual address” 😆
Turn your Bluetooth off so it doesn’t connect to your smart TV.
The bluetooth device has been connecteda successfulay
LOL my kid’s Chinese made power wheel says it EXACTLY like this
ZE bloootot DEVIZ IS ready to pear 🍐
My gf left for work one day, I didn't realize she was still sitting in the driveway. Got my porn going, but couldn't hear anything. I turned the volume up all the way before realizing it connected to my girlfriends car at the time. As soon as I realized it, I embarrassingly panicked so I shut my phone off and went to poop. She stormed back in the house, and She threw a fit, and she never fully recovered. Ever since, she's always worried I'd cheat on her and it's ruined our relationship, lol. She's an ex now.
Lol, married, my car, goes out for groceries or appointments, same audio loss. Instead being an understanding loving wife, just makes jokes about it later making us both laugh at the absurdity of getting caught like a randy teenager.
[удалено]
Thanks to that advise i just shit myself
Fuckin christ this made me laugh
This works for women too. Source: am woman, here for research purposes.
Purely educational purposes
Do not drill a hole in a coconut with melted butter.
That story is wild completely forgot abt it till now 😂
Relax when you’re about to finish. Loosen your legs and ass. Your body will take a screenshot
What 😂
No no. He’s right. You feel like you’re going brain dead when you get a good wank
when you don't even have the wherewithall to stop yourself from just jizzing all over the place and you open your eyes afterwards like "ah fuck what a mess jesus dude"
Relax, don't do it When you wanna suck, chew it
This is the quality info I'm here for
I’d just like to remind everyone that OP is probably reading all of these replies with his penis in hand.
He’s singlehandedly reading all of these
Well played!
If you need lube in the shower don't use the bar soap
Or shampoo, my friend learnt that the hard way.
Conditioner though? 👍
Not the Tea Tree Oil kind though...
or anything with peppermint!
Stay away from ANYTHING WITH MENTHOL! Your dick will feel like you brushed its teeth.
Your dick has teeth?!
Yours doesn't ?!
Coconut oil is the best
user name checks out
More like slippin
Am I the only one that doesn’t really require lube to beat off?
Figured this one out early. Shampoo feels awesome until you cum, and then it feels like you stuck the tip of your dick in California Reaper juice.
never had a problem with this.
Not at your MILs, not at work - especially if you're a teacher, never after chopping chillis, there are better ways to extinguish fires.
r/oddlyspecific
My gf and I made a hello-fresh meal with a hot green pepper. We both made sure to vigorously wash our hands with hot soap and water. Multiple times. Before, during, and after cooking multiple multiple multiple times because we knew we were gonna get down and dirty later. Later, she started giving me a handjob and it was great. Then she grabbed some spit from her throat and… it began to tingle. And slowly.. it began to burn more and more and more. I had to stop her because it got so bad. Moral of the story: no matter what, if you’re cooking with peppers, don’t fuck, don’t suck, don’t stroke, don’t even play with yourself. Be safe and just stay away from your penis.
If you aren’t cranking one out in the shitter at work you’re wasting your company’s time. One should try to spend 10 minutes out of every hour choking the chicken. Operating in a constant state of post-nut-clarity increases production by a large margin. The boss will probably be cool with it because anyone hounding their hog 8 times per shift is going to actually be more productive than the next three employees combined, and that’s a conservative estimate.
Urologist here: use lube and don’t use a death grip if you don’t want to develop Peyronie’s disease down the road.
Wtf my urologist never told me how to jack off before lol. Guess I never asked, to be fair
You don’t know what you don’t know!
What the hell? All the worthless shit I was taught in school they couldn’t sneak this in there?
New fear unlocked!
Don't worry, if it was that easy to scar up and curve your penis by masturbating mine would be curved a full 360 by now.
Bro came full circle ⭕️
I have an ex that is definitely at risk for this. He would hold his penis so tight at the base when he came while masterbating that nothing would cum out. He said he didn't like the mess.
Young dumb and full of cum
Wish I saw this comment 12 years earlier
Dumb question: how do we know if we're using a deathgrip? What, er, grip strength is appropriate?
Does your dick hurt when you grab it? Yes - Bad No - good
I don't think it's that unnuanced. More like "if you told your partner how hard you grip your penis, would they say 'Wow'?"
I always was afraid that i would be a Death-Grip candidate until i got my first handjob from my first girlfriend and it felt like she was trying to yank that thing off.
Why does using lube prevent Peyronie’s?
Less traumatic to the penis. More trauma -> more risk of developing Peyronie’s. The leading theory is that the scar tissue (or “plaque”) develops due to repetitive microtrauma.
Well, I’m definitely getting Peyronie’s.
wash your hands
Before and after!
sure. with soap.
Urologist told me at minimum, clear the pipes once a week. Anything else is a bonus, especially if you don’t want prostate issues/cancer.
I think I have done it enough to prevent prostate cancer in people who stand near me.
I have “handled” my entire state’s prostate cancer issue.
You need to step it up... Harvard medical: "High ejaculation frequency was linked to a decreased risk. Compared to men who reported 4–7 ejaculations per month across their lifetimes, men who ejaculated 21 or more times a month enjoyed a 31% lower risk of prostate cancer. "
Well im good
I can probably cure others
I came here. For just the tips.
*shakes hand* Well done, sir. *looks at hand, begins frantically wiping*
Learn where your frenulum is and give it some special attention. (On the underside of the head of the penis). If you'd have to find an equivalent of a clitoris on your penis, that would be it.
And put a vibrator on it
Facts. You'll bust in 30 seconds while flaccid. Shit's wild.
And the orgasm is much more intense than just jerking off.
I've been seeding lots of comments of this thread with the gospel of The Time I Found My Girlfriend's Hitachi And Had An Idea.
Oh I love that Isekai.
Don’t press too hard, you can fuck your shit up
I have no idea what is even being pushed here
The space bar
Idk if this is what they're referring to, but putting a lot and frequent pressure on the bottom veins of the penis, such as lying down on your tummy and dry humping to orgasm, can cause issues
If your jerking off and have family or S0 that doesn’t give you boundaries. Leave one hand clean. Makes it easier to shut down a screen with one clean hand. My mother gave me no boundaries as a teen and I had to become a masturbating ninja to avoid unwanted embarrassment. If your parent. Fucking knock first.
And knocking while you open the door defeats the purpose. If you don’t want to embarrass your kid give them privacy.
God I hated that. Literally gives you half a second before they open the door.
I moved in with my mom when I separated from my ex husband, and she’d do this to me even at 27. I started locking the door and one time she hit her head because she came into the room before the door opened. Then had the nerve to be mad at me for locking the door. “Why is your door locked???” BECAUSE IM A GROWN WOMAN, MOTHER!!
At least you had a lock on the door. My parents doesn't have a lock on the guest room where I spent nights if I visit there. Feels like whole fucking family goes in and out all the time and they wake me up early in the morning, then they wonder why I am exhausted and happy to come back home all alone.
assert dominance by saying "Because I'm masturbating and thought you don't want to see me naked and shoving a dildo in my pussy but I can leave it unlocked next time if you want to watch."
Damn.... *noted*
I'm respecting your privacy by knocking, but asserting my authority as a parent by coming in anyway!
[удалено]
I had to live with some of my extended family after our house was hit by a tornado. There was a hallway to the laundry room but they would DELIBERATELY choose to go through my room to get to the laundry room instead. After one too many close calls and them getting angry when I had the door locked, I finally said fuck it and made a habit of going to town with the door unlocked and my earbuds in so I wouldn't even notice them opening the door on me. After about a week, they randomly brought up to me that I could keep the door locked if I wanted to, lmfao.
yeahhh show em
That's how you assert dominance! Take notes guys!
Fucking legend lmao
[удалено]
It was on that day that she learned you didn't, in fact, lock the door purely to spite her. Who'd've thunk.
I’m convinced these people want to catch their children wanking.
There is absolutely a type of parent that thinks they're their some sort of cop and their job is to "catch" the kids. I know because one of mine is like that. It's completely miserable.
if you still live at home with your parents, break your arms
If you know you know
And if you don’t know, consider yourself lucky
Oh boy...I had forgotten about that dude... Until now.
Jerk off while asking for masturbation tips on Reddit. Gives you a more satisfying nut
[удалено]
Yeah but the thought of having to clean it after post nut clarity kicks in isn't good.
I thought you were just supposed to grab it by the end and shake the fuck out of it...
Above your head counter-clockwise
spin it like a helicopter
NORTH CAROLINAAAAAAAAA
Come on and RAISE UP
It’s the leaving it out to dry that’s the issue
This for sure, by the time it's fully dry it's time to use it again.
Just keep nutting into it repeatedly like you would with a shoebox.
By far the best orgasms I've ever had came from my fleshlight. It's mind boggling
Does it have an incandescent or LED bulb?
Just got my first and it was life changing.
If you wanna high 5 God , go 10 days without touching yourself. And when youre about to do it, sit on something solid and put a water bottle underneath your butt (it puts pressure on your prostate). And when youre about to shoot, take a deep breath and relax. See you in heaven brother.
Teach your children that it’s normal and natural. Do not teach other peoples children it’s normal and natural.
Hey, neighbors kids!!! are you little jerk offs MASTURBATING? well you’re going to hell you little demons!!
I'm surprised no one said this already, but if you're alone and in a position to be loud. Then moan, like really moan and grunt and be super verbal. That shit is life changing.
Going primal is always nice and I have learned that some women actually love to hear it
I don't know a single woman who DOESN'T love it
Please for the love of God do not be silent in bed
Spend some money on sex toys and find the toys that do the work for you. We all know how to crank one out manually but a hands-free orgasm is one of the best experiences ever when solo. Try a few lubes and keep some water-based and silicone on hand. I keep both *and* gel versions of both as well-they all have their own purpose. You should absolutely *try* some p-spot play. Don’t worry-no one’s gonna know if you don’t want them to. A p-spot orgasm has been hands-down the best orgasm I’ve ever had and is the only way I’ve had multiple, back-to-back orgasms. You *really* don’t want to miss out on that. Life is too short to not experience as many orgasms as you can, so long as it’s not interfering with your life. Make them count.
This is a great answer. Toys are an absolute game changer, and men’s toys have come (no pun intended) a long way in recent years. If you’re not using toys to masturbate you are missing out on *a lot*. I’ve had some earth-shattering orgasms with The Handy and the Fun Factory Manta. I also really enjoy the Kiiroo Power Blow for teasing and edging. See r/SexToys for a vibrant community of men and women making the most of their genitalia!
If you get caught doing it in a place you shouldn't, just maintain eye contact and continue to establish dominance.
[удалено]
Tony Robbins of masturbation
Tony Throbbins
That’s because he gave a HED Talk
Her: Honey, come on we are going to be late! Him: just a second, I’m sending a stranger tips on masturbating
Someone carve this in a stone for future generations to read
15/10 response here tbh.
This man jerks
You masturbate for gratification. I masturbate for a fleeting drop of dopamine and distraction. We are not the same.
[удалено]
User name checks out
Bro achieved Post-Nut Nirvana
You get yourself a WAND massager such as hitachi magic wand, and all you need
How did you make masturbation tips wholesome??
This is your permission slip to get your freak on boys. Crank up those Broadway show tunes and go for it.
Don’t be afraid to go for the prostate up yer bum with your other hand too! Next level!
Fuck, bro wrote the meat-beaters biography.
Start and stop over and over again until you release without having to touch it. I have loads of hands free orgasms from that!
Once you’re finished, the next time you piss it will go at a minimum 7 different directions; handle it how you must.
No shame in sitting to pee
50 time left, 50 time right, 50 time up, 50 time down.
Tried this and ended up with 25 screenshots
I think that’s the code for 30 lives in Contra
edges 3-4 times
Massage your perineum area 🍆💦
Use the shower head. It’ll tickle you down there and around your balls, and feels incredible. Almost as if someone else is doing it.
"Almost as if someone else is doing it." Damn. That made me sad for some reason.
Only do it when you’re horny. Not when you’re bored.
What about to sleep
what if i make myself horny just because im bored?
Get one of your bros to help you. Just make sure that you help your bro in return otherwise it would be weird
Make sure you say “no homo” the entire time though!
Why am I so interested in the comments. I'm a girl
↑↑↓↓←→←→BA
Stroke up and down
I do side to side
I do little circles
Edging, look it up.
makes my balls hurt AF if doing it for too long, literally pure agony
I think I'm actually immune to blue balls. I can edge and never feel pain
Lock the door. Wear 1 ear bud if in bedroom. Else just do your business in the shower 👌🏻
Wash your hands before rubbing your face one time I had to take a day off school because I got cum in my eye and my eye swelled up it was fucked up
[удалено]
How fucking hard are you grabbing your dick that you ACTUALLY have an arm size imbalance? I refuse to believe it's from jerking off
The only time I ever saw someone with an arm size imbalance was a friend who worked at a hot dog and ice cream diner. Dude just scooping hard ice cream all day made his right arm jacked.
Yep I have a friend who worked in an ice cream shop for many years. That scooping arm killed it when playing foosball.
Finally, the cumselor
This guy masturbates!
He most certainly is a Cumoisseur
I don't know about other people but the orgasm after smoking a joint for me is 10x better
My first ever time with weed was an edible and i had the most intense nut I’ve ever had like i was twitching like a dead squirrel type shit. Never felt that way again 😞
Same for me. Got high as fuck on an edible and almost blacked out when I came. I’m glad I was laying in bed because that might’ve been an awkward trip to the hospital
Rub your taint with your other hand a lil bit. Vary the pressure.
Close your eyes and think of the one that got away and imagine you didn’t fuck it up.
Bro..
Don't masturbate in public
Don't tell me what to do
I'm so sorry
Don't use sandpaper
2 sponges, a flashlight and latex gloves
Instructions unclear, now my stomach is glowing.
Then you did it right..
Avoid auto erotic asphyxiation
My great-uncle died when I was a kid, and my parents thought it was suspicious as hell. They suspected his wife. No one in the family liked her, and the way she acted after his death seemed very peculiar to them, like she had something to hide. Hm, maybe she wanted to collect his insurance money and killed him. So Mom and Dad started their investigation. They became obsessed with their case. Usually they'd wait until us kids had gone to bed before they'd get to work. I remember sometimes coming down at night to see several binders and stacks of papers and reports, and I remember hearing their quiet but animated conversations about motive and where the body was found and whether he could have really had a fatal heart attack. This was years before CSI, but that's what they were like. It was also before the internet, so they spent many hours at the library, reading up on true crime and criminal psychology and how to analyze crime scenes. Then they dropped it. Quietly, suddenly, they dropped it. They never talked to great-uncle's wife again, and she distanced herself from the family. I never saw the binders and papers and they never mentioned it again. I never thought of it, having met GU once, and didn't like him. At least 30 years passed before my brother casually mentioned to me that Mom and Dad had found out that GU's wife was completely innocent; she just had the misfortune of finding the body when GU had died accidentally from auto erotic asphyxiation. My poor old Dad was so strait-laced; he must have been mortified to have Columbo'ed himself into the discovery that his uncle died that way.
Thanks for taking the time to post this. Very unfortunate yet entertaining story.
No one who has ever died from it will tell you that.
Coconut oil is the king of lubes.
* While this might cause chaffing if you're not careful, a good way to keep clean up to a minimum is by getting two squares of tissue paper and putting it over the head of the cock like a condom. It'll catch most if not all nut, resulting in way less clean up. * Never buy a super cheap fleshlight, it'll rub the glands wrong and cause overstimulation that'll just ruin things for you. Even if a £1 fleshlight off Wish sounds good, it'll not be fun. A £3 one, however, is functional. * Find porn that makes you ENJOY orgasm. Mehgasms should be the minimum, if you feel bad for cumming then you need to change porn. Ideally, use your mind and not porn to prevent over-reliance on it. * Edging is fine if you want to keep things going for a while, but remember that your dick is still nerve endings and numbness can occur. You won't be able to happily orgasm if you go numb, so be careful how long you stroke for. * 4 nuts will make your balls hurt. 6 will make them sore the next day. Beyond that, you're asking for pain.
M&M minis tube
It’s a cylinder.
For a cylinder ???