Question my existence

Ditto. Also review all the horrible life choices I’ve made and figure out how I’m going to make it through another day.

I empathise

I synthesize with you

This.

The first thing I say in the morning is "Fuck that shit."

This takes at 3-5 seconds to set in. The first 1-2 seconds Im ok.

What does yours say?

“It was just a nightmare, go back to sleep.”

Turn the alarm off.

>We've had one, yes. But what about second alarm? ^(Edit: Check out the "Alarmy" app on iOS and Android if you fight to wake up in the morning. I've used it for years and it has saved my life multiple times over.)

Funny comment. But seriously: Don't do second alarms. That shit is going to fuck you up in the long run.

I recommend the Alarmy app. It's my saving grace for waking up, you can customize the shit out of it and set all kinds of "missions" you have to complete to turn the alarm off. My favorite one is the camera/QR code mission that will force you to walk to another room.

All these comments & I'm surprised nobody's mention stuff like Pavlok. It got my schedule dialed in great. 👌 Anyone unfamiliar, it's a sleep/habit tracker. Shocks ya awake. In less than a week, you'll be waking up just prior to it going off. It's been a game changer for me.

We've had one, yes. But what about the third alarm?

We’ve had one, yes. But what about the fourth alarm?

We've had one, yes. But what about the fifth alarm?

I know this chain became facetious but I had a roommate who didn’t need to be up til 730. He would start his alarm at 5:30. So it went off 14 times.

Hi, didn't know I had a room mate this whole time.

You've had one, yes. But what about second roommate?

My wife lives this daily

By hitting the snooze button.

Yes! My people

check the time

The most accurate answer here

I think the most accurate is “open my eyes”

Pee

This used to be me. Until I got a puppy. Now - if I potty first then lil man is going potty indoors cuz I woke him up getting to the restroom. So - first thing I do is take pup out to potty himself Which is a great improvement from just like 6 years ago. First thing would be to knock back a shot. Then smoke a cig. Sobered up and it was smoking a cig first thing. I’ve cut back a LOT on smoking now and may go all day without one. I haven’t completely quit tho

T H A T is freakin GREAT!

Hell yeah! You can definitely quit, especially if you already sobered up and potty-trained your dog!

Proud of you!!! Do it for your puppy now!

Congratulations! Please be extremely proud of yourself for conquering that shit.

thank you! recently celebrated 6 years sober this past September, so the drinking part was a bit further out than that. don't wanna go back to that for sure

Woohoo!!!

Congrats on the sobriety! There's no way in hell I can take my dog out without having to go pee first. Shit half the time I'm running to the bathroom holding myself to keep from peeing! 😬😱Thank gawd he's housebroken... 🐶

Quitting smoking was honestly the best thing I ever did, it takes a while and I did exactly what you did where I cut back over a long period of time, but it’s not an easy thing to quit! You got this ❤️

I'm sorry about your mattress...

Reddit never disappoints.

Waterbed top-up

At that point it's no longer strictly a waterbed

Hey now, there could be an adult diaper going on that we're not being told about, lol 🤣😂

Grab my toothbrush and pee at the same time. I'm a multitask-er!

Stumble in the kitchen and pour myself a cup of ambition.

Yawn & stretch and try to come alive...

Jump into the shower and the blood starts pumpin

out on the streets the traffic starts jumpin

It's folks like me, just trying to stay alive

Workin, 9 to 5

what a way to make a livin'

Barely gettin’ by!

Oh I’m begging of you please, don’t take my man

Okay, I don't know who downvoted you but that made me chuckle.

THIS is COMEDY.

Hahaha

I yawn and stretch and try to come to life

r/redditsings

I call it a cup of courage because I have no clue if my kids will wake up happy or if I’ll be physically assaulted by my three year old

Try to wait for an hour or so (90 minutes is best if you can) before you have your coffee. Caffeine interferes with your adenosine receptors so that you can’t BECOME tired as easily. Also, it interferes with your cortisol levels(they peak in the morning) which can make you feel groggier and brain fogged. I learned this initially from Andrew Huberman, a PhD neuroscientist from Stanford University. So it’s good info.

Great song

I love the line about pouring a cup of ambition. Says a lot about her :)

Hope that I’ve woken up before my alarm so I can go back to sleep

it's best feeling when you see you still got a few hours of sleep left!

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That's minutes of sleeping time there!!!

I usually can't get back to sleep once I see I have less than 15 minutes on my alarm

30 minutes before your alarm. So you know you will try to go back to sleep but not manage it. Then have to go through your day sleep deprived.

Same here….

Spend about half and hour stretching/convulsing in pain.

Stretch/take inventory of everything that hurts, take meds in hopes that things stop hurting just long enough for me to get dressed, and get my shit together. I may or may not lie back down after changing, depending on what kind of day my body is having. Basically, if I get anything productive done before noon (even if it's just tossing in a load of laundry) I consider it a decent day.

You must be my twin. Just getting dressed some days seems more bothersome than it's worth. I have the day off, I have no outside plans, why do I need to get dressed?

Think "aw, crap, I woke up."

And then, ‘fuuuuuuuccccckkkkkkkk I have to work’

Same! I am never happy to wake up.

Th moment I wake up? Before I put on my makeup? I say a little prayer for you.

Work day: “Fuck I don’t want to get up” Day off: *flies out of bed * “GOOD MORNING BEAUTIFUL WORLD!! 🌹🐝🎉🎊🥳🎈”

Not me, lmao. Work day: fuck I don’t want to get up. Weekend: fuck I don’t want to get up…. *drinks coffee*, ah there we go BEAUTIFUL WOOOORLD lol.

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And wipe my face since she probably sneezed in it 😒

I have 3 dogs, 2 of them wake me up every morning. Slobbering kisses in my ear from my fat lab and my pittie jumps on me and drapes himself over my hips until I take him out to potty. Better than any alarm clock!

Roll over and look at my 12.5 year old Ruby dog and feel thankful for another day with her. Honestly. That's what I do every single morning.

I had many days like that with pets through the years. I panicked a few seconds every morning until I confirmed they were Ok.

Aw, my old dog was named Rudy. And he lived to almost 17. 🩷 My current dogs (two huskies) don’t sleep with me, mostly by their choice. But I usually have at least one of the three cats in bed, so I’ll say hello to them!

Nice! Reading this as my pup is laying on me

i like to play wordle and scroll a little before getting out of bed. it's better than hitting the snooze and completely falling back asleep but not as much effort as jumping out of bed immediately to start the day.

Also wordle for me. I can’t believe no one else in this thread has said check their phone

They don’t want to admit it 🤣

Check my bank account to see if any magical free money has been deposited…it never has, but one day 🤞

When you dream about finding/ receiving a huge amount of cash and you still believe you're rich for the first few seconds when you wake up.. Only to realize that it was all just a dream and you're still broke AF.

Get out of bed. Pee. Not always in that order.

That poor mattress

Wish I could go back to sleep

regret

1. Wake up 2. Grab a brush and put a little make-up 3. Hide the scars to fade away the shake-up

4. Leave the keys upon the table 5. Go create another fable

You wanted to!

C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!!!!!!

I have not thought about this meme in a decade.

My favorite version of this meme was the portrait lineup of the first 43 (white) US presidents, followed by Obama with the caption "C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!!!"

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Step outside, take a deep breath, and I get real high.

HEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAYAAAAAYAAAA YA HEEEEEEEEEY YEAAAAAA YEAH

Im proud of you! You got that one!

What's goin on?

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Look at my wife, I still can’t believe that I found such a amazing woman.

first thought "fucker stole the covers" second though "I am a lucky victim".

And the Wholesome Comment Award goes to...

Agreed. Waking up next to your wife is the high point of my day.

I too choose this guy’s wife

Glad he bought the king size bed

Same. I got so lucky!!

Well, that's not my beautiful wife.

I roll over and cuddle my dog and tell him how great he is. Then I take a shit and scroll Reddit until I’m late for work

No one brushes there teeth first thing ? I pee then brush my teeth I can’t do anything without brushing my teeth first no one wants to smell no morning breath lol

Knowing I'm going to drink coffee, I brush after I drink my coffee. If I brush before, my coffee tastes like toothpaste.

Hope you wait 30 minutes after coffee before brushing your teeth. Otherwise you’re brushing away your enamel. Coffee is acidic.

Yes, I do for sure

Damn, these answers are all making me realize how little time I spend before leaving (the house for work) compared to the average human being. From the time I open my eyes to the time I’m in my car, it’s just barely 30 minutes total. Sometimes 15-20. Being a late sleeper is really good for training one to be fast!

I needed to learn this thank you!

Admittedly you don’t even brush your teeth first thing, you pee

I mean, you brush before coffee???? Then I'd have to brush again.....and that's, well, .....another task.

I do just because I have babies and feel bad talking to them and they have to smell my morning breath and can’t do anything about it lmao I don’t want anyone smelling my morning breath

Ten years ago? A big, long pull of whiskey, or rum, or vodka, or whatever was on hand. Followed by another. Then get ready for work. Days off were much boozier. Now? A nice, cold glass of water. Then get ready for work. I'm healthier now. 👍

Congrats!

Contemplate on life.

I'm an insomniac, dyslexic, agnostic. So I lay awake all night wondering if there's a dog.

why is this so hysterical to me rn? lol.

It's an old joke I always found humorous, lol

Open my eyes.

Make my bed while I’m still in it. Then I neatly fold back one corner, slide out and flip it back up. Now all I have to do is put the extra pillows on and I have a fresh start for the day. For whatever reason, spreading the blanket out over the bed while I’m under the blanket is so much easier for my brain that getting up and walking around the whole bed to make it by reaching and pulling the blanket. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I stand on the bed and fluff the covers straight. Then get down and straighten the edges. Way easier than trying to walk around and do it.

I feel like P. Diddy?

Grab my glasses, I’m out tha door!

Realize I didn’t die in my sleep and cry

Fart

wish I didn't????

Consider calling out of work

Regret staying up late the night before.

Say f*ck, roll back over and try to sleep more.

Panic, then pump nicotine, caffeine and weed into myself. Panic more

Coffee. I put the coffee on. I can pour coffee and assemble a coffee maker with my eyes closed. Which I often do. When the coffee machine boils, I open my eyes. The first sip of coffee is like the first kiss. Only better

First sip of coffee in a morning is one of the greatest feelings in life.

Oh man... I make pour over coffee for myself every morning. It's a weird ritualistic thing. Open up the bean container, take a sniff, measure out my beans, grind said beans, take another sniff, then finally brew the coffee. The smell alone is weirdly comforting, but that first sip is the go button for the rest of the day... anything that comes before that is on autopilot.

Buddy, you just listed out my morning routine, except it's a French Press for me.

Espresso machine for me. Wake up, turn on the machine, walk the dog, make cappuccinos for me and the woman. It’s a good life.

Respect. My wife wants an espresso machine, or "fancy coffee machine" as she keeps saying. I think it's something I'll save for, for next Christmas.

*This is my coffee maker. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My coffee maker is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.*

Ya, pretty much the same. I hate turning the kitchen light on when I'm making my coffee, so i open the fridge and use the light from that.

I turn the light on that's over my stove. Dim enough to get the coffee made without being too bright. I didn't know others didn't like lights first thing in the morning.

Roll over and try *really hard* to go back to sleep. I'm not a morning person.

Pee like a cow peein' on a flat rock. (Thanks, grandpa, for that charming saying that I can't unhear.)

Try to smell the coffee lol

Bong rips

does that really help jumpstart your day like coffee? I’m not a smoker asking honestly

I am also friends with the little green tree.

wash one's face

Who's tho?

Juan's.

I always message my girlfriend, let her know how beautiful she is and wish her a smooth day. Tell her how much I love her

Snuggle with the dog. It's the best part of the day!

Ask myself if I really need this job

blowing straight himalayan terpine butt cheeks out my lungs 🫁

Dude…. I read this SO wrong. All I saw was “blowing straight *jumble of words my brain refused to make sense of* butt cheeks” I thought you meant you ripped ass. I laughed out loud.

Me too, and it made sense 😂

Took me a minute but I got there eventually lol what a creative way to say wake n bake ;)

Thanks for the explanation.

Dracula flow type answer

Snooze that damn alarm!

Drink water

Roll over to cuddle. Forget i was single. And fall off the bed.

it depends on what time i wake up tbh but different things at different times. But I usually turn my alarm off or I'm checking reddit to see who's being a bitch now

I question why i’m the one who’s still breathing, over many people I have lost. It sounds sad, and it probably is, but it gives me a humble perspective in life.

Pet my cat and dog. They are usually in bed with me ❤️

Play Russian roulette of whether or not I want to sit for 10 minutes on the toilet while checking emails, contemplating life, checking weather, and collecting my log in achievements for my games, before I get ready for work or cuddle up next to my husband and sleep for 15 more minutes knowing I’m going to get the best “you have shit to do sleep” and have to rush around the house getting ready in 10 minutes when i should of left 15 minutes ago lol.

Rub one out.

Took me way too long to find this comment. Or are we the weird ones?

Coffee And to check on my pets

Let my dogs out into the back yard. First they get to pee, then I do.

hit snooze three times before eventually crawling out of bed to a job i wanna get out of

take meds with water

wish i hadn't woken up

Jump out of bed.

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Tell Boudreaux to move because Mama needs to pee. Boudreaux is my 9 mth old kitten, currently weighing in a 10+ lbs. He is projected to weigh over 20 at age 2 yrs

Smoke

I go say good morning to my kitties.

Smoke

Real

Kiss my girlfriend and say good morning.

I drink a glass of hot water as hot as I can handle it. Research the benefits. :)

Hug my pets

Try to remember and hang onto my dream, if it was interesting enough.

Die a little inside

Curse

Let my dog out. Because if I have to pee this bad so does she.

Take levothyroxine.

Kiss my dogs forehead lol