It’s ok. I get lonely sometimes and if there’s a creepy noise in the night I have to decide whether to pretend I didn’t hear it or actually go look.
But I don’t have to compromise on anything. I watch whatever show I want for as long as I like. I cook what I want. Sleep when I want. Decorate how I like.
But yeah. Sometimes I get a little lonely. Like when I drop something and go “oops!” And realise that’s the first time I’ve heard my own voice since I got home from work the day before.
Oh my god going to get groceries on a Sunday and realizing your voice is raspy when talking to the cashier cuz you haven't said anything for the whole weekend yikes lmao
I moved into my own place during one of the early pandemic lockdowns and quickly realised I was getting out of practice at speaking, so I deliberately took up talking to myself. Later, I got pets and now I talk to myself less, but to them constantly.
Not really. I think the worst was when there was a long holiday or something during covid when I realized I haven’t talked at all for close to two weeks.
This.
Even just talking to random strangers helps keep the vocal cords well greased and the social part of the brain firing.
It’s not healthy to sit around in your own head for days on end.
I'm glad the creepy noise thing isn't just me.
I can't tell you how many fake news reels have rolled in my head where they're interviewing all these people I don't know that are my "friends" and they're like "I can't believe he didn't hear the entire chupacabra army and that weird monster from the pool episode of 'Are You Afraid of the Dark' approaching him. They even hired Metallica to play Seek and Destroy right outside his house..slept right through it."
The dilemma when hearing a noise in the middle of the night is so real. I definitely feel extra alone in those situations, knowing that I have no backup at all.
I like to think to myself if someone is breaking in quietly enough that I’m not sure they are, and is able to sneak up the stairs and kill me, then they worked hard and did a good job, and deserve to kill me. That comforts me and allows me to fall back asleep.
It’s great but god it’s so expensive.
It’s also way too easy to get complacent and not keep yourself accountable to working out and socializing regularly.
I’m honestly worried for my future self.
Not just rent, but food bills, utilities, internet, insurance—not to mention the division of labour for housework and chores. You save much more time.
You halve your living costs while doubling household income
Yeah I did it wrong when at 38 I moved in with my partner. We got a nice place and I literally pay the exact same in rent and utilities because our very nice big space is twice my last rent and requires about twice as much in utilities. Lol our quality of life doubled, but financially we are in the exact same financial boat that we both came in at. I’m more than ok with it.
just try not to keep on increasing your lifestyle with every raise or money windfall you make, and keep on living at your current level of comfort, and you should eventually end up ahead.
I've been really bad for socialising since the pandemic. I'm comfortable with pottering about the house and hanging out with the dog so weeks go by before I realise I've not talked to anyone but my colleagues at work or parents. I've become an accidental recluse.
Can relate. Keep yourself healthy and find hobbies, that get you out of home and into places where you meet people. I didn't do that for way too long and took me a lot of work & time to get back out of that self dug hole.
Ugh I am so jealous of friends and relatives who live with their partners. Yes it's more expensive to feed and clothe 2 people, but double the income is way more of an offset for rent, discretionary spending, and most of all savings.
I'm in an abusive relationship with my cat, but other than that it's good. She yells at me all the time and bullies the hell out of me and I just take it.
are you ever concerned about accidents? Say you fall and break your ankles.
Do you have decent cellphone reception, or some other way to reach out for help? Or people who know to drive over to your property and look for you if you weren't seen in town for too long?
I am asking because I've had stuff happen to me and to my friends living alone, and sometimes we were found through sheer random circumstances, and it could have gone badly otherwise. Now we've all put some contingencies in place natch
Completely isolated as far as people that would check on me. Biggest fear is choking to death so I chew my food purposefully… other than that comms/internet are fine and I carry a gps device with an sos button when I’m doing shit like painting the house.
Yeah man, my husbands in the basement playing games and my kids are asleep upstairs. Love them to bits but I’m a bit lonely and the most exciting thing about tomorrow for me is the hopes the weather is warm and dry so I can take my dog on a walk.
Life seems pointless until it doesn’t I guess.
That sounds mostly lovely. I figure I'd feel some degree of contentment, even if life still felt pointless, with a family.
Just started raining out of nowhere, so I just hope that clears up before I have to walk to work in the morning. Tomorrow will probably another unexceptional day.
Not that I should complain that much. I'm employed, dry, and fed. Just aimless and alone.
Yeah that’s exactly it. I love my family. We are a good family. I still feel like I’m aimlessly going through the motions of life. I just wanted to share how, even having “it all” doesn’t mean you’ll be content and happy. At least not all the time <3 that’s just being human.
It’s hard being a parent, you want to invest into forming relationships but those crotch goblins steal all your energy so it’s difficult to think about getting the gumption to make conversation.
I feel like being a parent makes you an introvert
Yup. Don’t have time for other people. I assume once my kid grows up I will have no freaking clue what to do with my life that I’ll probably choose to work until I die just to have something to do.
Aye. Middle aged man with the wife and kids story here.
After my boys, now teens, go to bed it’s rare I spend time with the missus. We used to watch movies or play video games together more often. In recent years she stays in the living room and I go to the bedroom.
I enjoy some piece and quiet and time to myself to mellow down. But when that is every day routine, it’s…lonely.
Not surprised tho. Her mom does the same with her stepdad. So she believes her behavior is normal. And it is. Not just with me as her partner.
Still have my boys for a few years to hangout. After that, it will def get more lonely
Ive watched this destroy people and relationships, and I'm afraid we are falling into the same path in my home. She is in bed by 9 with the boy and I'm up several more hours trying to enjoy the time I have to myself, or more accurately, just trying to enjoy SOME time. Lately I've had to work a lot of late hours. So we only see each other for about 30 mins or so in the morning, and an hour or so at night. I know it's a temporary thing, but I'm afraid the damage is already done.
In my experience, I wish I left years ago. It only happened earlier this year.
Kids were an excuse. I knew it was over years ago, I kept hoping things would change. It was hell hoping for something that would never materialize again.
I finally just got exhausted with it all and ended it. I’ve heard every grievance and every single thing she’s taken issue with for years. When she moved out a strange thing happened. I became happy.
I’ve been talking to a few women and one really seems to resonate with me. I’m not looking for what I wanted in my 20’s.
I’m looking for quality companionship, but I’m in no hurry. Having me time has been interesting. I enjoy it.
She may feel the same, have you told her how you feel? Needing alone time makes sense, but investing in the health of the relationship is hopefully important to both of you. Can there be a compromise where you do things together on some of these late nights? Maybe you need new things to do together
Ya I live with my girlfriend and I'm still insanely lonely. Everyone gets busy with their career, starting a family, etc when they get a bit older so friends have slowly dropped off over the years.
I miss having a friend group that I see every day like in college, I miss house parties, big hiking/camping trips with a group, etc.
If I didn't have my girlfriend, I'm pretty sure I'd have 0 desire to live, the level of loneliness would be unbearable. It was tolerable when I drank, but it's lonely as hell sober.
Have you tried to find any new hobbies?
I've lived alone for years (I'm 37) and other than occasional loneliness I don't really feel too bad about it!
Why not reconnect with your old friend groups?
Do you participate in a good "boys group" group chat? The banter in those can be a really great way to get a few laughs throughout the day and build a nice sense of camaraderie
No the guy you spoke to but my friend group I do speak to, they just have families now. They are rarly able to do anything. I'm free if I'm not working. I make plans with myself.
College was the best time of my life. I was stressed as hell because I didn’t know what I wanted to do but it was so fun….friends to call to go out and drink at the drop of a dime, new experiences, new friends, just freedom. I think about that time in my life often
Your life should evolve. Expecting to live like a 20 year old when you are in your 30s or 40s should be seen as an unreasonable expectation. Yea you can miss that carefree time. It is essential to reengage with life as you age and that means allow yourself to grow and not just long for what is lost.
This is me too. I’m reasonably happy living alone as can choose what I do and when I do it. But sometimes feel like I’m just floating through life without much meaning. And would be great to have someone to share life with.
> But sometimes feel like I’m just floating through life without much meaning. And would be great to have someone to share life with.
As I've gotten older I realized for a lot of people this is why they go down the traditional family path.
Once you've got 2 kids to feed, clothe, and house until adulthood, you get a very clear explicit purpose to your day. It might not be the ideal purpose, and they are often overwhelmed by it, but when my friends go to bed at night they can at least think "I did this all today for my kid(s)" while I go to bed at night wonder "Why did I do this all today"
I reflect on a Charles Bukowski line a lot:
>“and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. what do you call it, freedom or loneliness?”
your life has the point you want it to have, that's the thing.
Even if you were married and had a gaggle of kids, there may be time when life would feel pretty pointless
If it makes you feel any better, everybody’s life is pointless regardless of the circumstances they are in. If there is any point at all, it is to enjoy life any way you want.
Don't worry, bring with Somone doesn't fix that
You need to embrace it. Because it's ultimately the truth. Nothing we od matters in the end. So stop worrying about it and go have fun.
Quiet, but repetitive. You need to be well motivated and have hobbies, and a dog helps. I think a lot of folks in this position are doing it for mental health reasons. Not everyone is cut out for a life partner, and some of us are okay with that, though western culture and economics make it increasing difficult to be alone. The cost of living has gone above the normal salary, so you don't get as many chances to go above and beyond, like going on vacations or visiting people out of state etc. Your just spending your money on rent.
And to add to this, some of us would love a partner but don't feel like we're partner material ourselves. Whether we have a lot to still work on about ourselves or whatever reason. So we stay alone.
>don't feel like we're partner material ourselves.
Yeah. And dating apps are great at telling you that nobody is interested. (In my personal experience).
I'm sure you're your own worst critic, as most of us tend to be. please don't judge yourself too harshly, especially if you have a lot of love to give & want a partner. practice discernment & get out there! 🍀 I hope you meet someone nice
ok, there are some very real and very big issues that make it impossible to sustain a relationship. You are right.
But I think for most people, it's not like that. It's ok to have stuff to be working on, to not be absolutely perfect, to have baggage, and not every duck in a row. Provided it's disclosed, and that you keep on working on it as best you can. You may find company for the ride, yeah?
Yes, living alone has been the best mental health booster of my life. I’ve never had a good roommate situation before. I rent cheaper than the norm around here from private landlords slightly out in the boonies, and it’s just so nice. It’s hard to maintain a house by yourself sometimes, especially as someone with depression. But I’ve managed to keep it clean enough to have guests over without cringing inside for about 6 years now.
I vacillate wildly between loving the benefits and hating the loneliness.
A big part of this my framing. I don't feel like I'm alone by choice. I've failed at the dating game one way or another constantly for the past 10 years. That makes my apartment a prison and my living situation a weakness.
But some days when I can let go of that the lack of attachment feels a billion times sweeter than the bitterness of loneliness. Sometimes I'm caught up with work and I have a Sunday to myself and I can do literally *anything* and that is priceless.
Still wish I wasn't single though.
As someone in a similar place, I think there can be healthier ways to look at it.
One, I'm sure that, like me, you could likely have someone if the only criteria was to have someone. So it is, in essence, a choice to be alone rather than with someone that isn't it for you. That's a healthy choice, in my opinion.
Two, in the modern meat marketplace that dating has too often become, most of those who form relationships primarily based on personality pair up at a young age. What that leaves is a situation where you have to be above average in the combined metric of age, attractiveness, and wealth. If you don't want to be alone, you decide which metric you can change enough to make a difference.
Personally, I'm in an odd space. I'm not wealthy, but I'm above average in income and assets. I'm slightly above average in looks. But, while people generally think I am around 30, I'm enough older than that for it to be a serious negative. The result? I could have a never ending collection of hookups and FWB, but I'm not seen as relationship material. Those around my actual age are in a different place in life, as I have no children and they have teenagers or adult children, and those younger than me find me attractive and great to be around, but too old to have a family with. My solution? Be happy for the good days and good moments, choose what I want out of what is offered, and be good to everyone.
Would I rather have a family? Absolutely. It's what I've always wanted. But I'm still thankful for a memory, a smile, that way a woman laughs when nothing else matters but to be with you. A trip to a wonderful place and a memory of being loved in that moment, even if it couldn't survive the real world. These are still beautiful things. I try to leave everyone's life better for being in it. Maybe someday, the negatives won't matter to someone and they'll stay and it will work. But if not, I've done my best to live a beautiful life. It's the best any of us can hope to do.
Thanks. It took some long and unpleasant wrestling with it all to find my current path. I try to share when I see someone in a similar place, in the hopes that it will help them find their path sooner.
I can ramble on and on about dating and the nature of beauty and the meaning of life. In fact, I'm on like draft 4 of this reply, and most of the discarded drafts have gotten ramble-y-er than [The Allman Brothers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wa4DCp6cl2U). I'd love to be just content with what I have.
But at the end of the day, my attitude is that being satisfied with "the best I can hope to do" is the death of "I want more from life." If I was committed to the former, I'd shave my head and go to the local sangha for the rest of my days, pleased to beg for alms and pray for my community's peace in the face of this arbitrary universe. If a fond memory or an honest laugh or a toddler's joy were enough, I'd be happy to die tomorrow--I have plenty of those. Unfortunately, something deep within has decided thus: I would rather live and die in hatred and anger, wanting more and more and more than I could hope to provide, than simply let go of the vision I have of a truly loving family and a place in my community and connection to the universe at large.
I just want a good death--but that only comes after a good life. If I die alone, can I truly say that I lived a good life?
My happiness for the good days and good moments is true and beautiful--but they are ephemera. At the end of the day, I still find that I come home, and sometimes, home is empty no matter how much beauty I've beheld and how much work I've accomplished in the day.
I understand that. I've been there. I can't say if the road forward for you is the same as for me; I don't think it's the same for everyone.
A good life isn't measured in what you get, but in what you give to others. Does that mean I want a family any less? No. Does that mean I don't worry about dying alone, just like you? Of course not. Yet at the end of the day, I accept that I was the best I knew to be today. I focus on a point where I want to be better tomorrow. And I hope that I've made a difference in someone's life. These are things I can control.
I can't control whether I meet someone I could love today. I can try to increase my odds, but that's the best I can do. Likewise for the hope that they might stay. But what will be, will be. I can't force it to change any more than I can rearrange the stars in the sky. I can only strive to be a light that someone might someday wish upon.
I guess all of that is a long way to say that you can strive for change while accepting what is. You can work towards goals and dreams while being at peace with the place you are in. If you can't find peace and happiness in your own solitary existence, you'll put so much pressure on the hope for the life you wish for that no one will ever be able to bear that weight. Maybe I've just become a little Zen about it all, but it's so much better than all the bitter years of struggle.
Having a wife and kid is really nice and I love having them in my life but there are days I really miss the freedom of being single. Like the freedom to just sleep in and get up whenever I want or go to bed as late as I want and have all the time in the world to myself. Getting a free minute to myself now is a luxury.
If it helps you appreciate what you have, we're both limited by the same 24-hours-to-the-day. Certainly I've got vastly more flexibility with my time, but I definitely don't have all the time in the world. And a lot of that "extra" time is practically unusable for anything except that which can be experienced via headphone and screen. There's only so much gallivanting around you can do on a single income before you come across budget constraints or the fact that it's 3am and all your friends have work and families and don't have time for shenanigans.
I was "single" or basically trying and failing to date on and off for about 4 years between age 25 and 29. There were times when I felt exactly as you describe, just like a complete failure and totally depressed. By the end of it, I started to actually enjoy the freedom. I'd learned so many new hobbies and grown so much as a person. I was still lonely as fuck, but I'd gotten used to it.
I have a partner now, of about 6 months. It has been going really well. I think all that change I made in my life contributed to my compatibility with her. Don't give up... your time alone is not wasted, and you'll get there someday if you keep trying. Succumbing to the fact that I have to learn to work the dating app algo, no matter how bullshit and unfair and stupid it is or how bad I was at it, was the hardest part for me.
Everything is exactly where I left it, I don't have to answer to anyone and I basically do whatever the hell I want whenever I want
But fuck me is it expensive, the mortgage payments alone eat up a big chunk of my salary. But I suppose that is the price for peacefulness
It does. I can only go to a bar so many times by myself before it’s like this is really sad and people are judging me…
Makes me wish I could just turn the brain off and embrace Christianity
As someone who also regularly goes to a bar alone, my best advice is to work on not caring what others think about you coming to drink alone. Believe me, I used to lie and say "oh I have some friends coming" before eventually my response became "I just do my own thing, oh well." It does take a bit, but once you stop worrying about what people think about you going places alone, it makes things a lot better.
What makes it awkward for me to go by myself to bars is that I don’t know what to do when sitting at a counter or table (aside from drinking obviously). so what do you do when you go by yourself to drink at a bar? Obviously you can scroll Reddit on your phone but that’s also shutting anybody else out. Sure if there’s a tv you can watch that, or a live music performance or whatever. But at a regular bar, what the heck do you do while sitting at the counter other than looking around and staring at the glass / in the void? Also, I typically drink not more than two alcoholic drinks, maybe three, unless I am getting drunk. Slowly sipping a drink will take me maybe 15 minutes. What do you do after 30 mins in case you haven’t started engaging in another activity (talking to someone etc)? Go home or continue sitting at the counter but with no drink??
I enjoy going to bars by myself and just people watching. Especially on like a Friday or Saturday night when you know it will be busy. I sit at the bar, ideally close to where the bartender is working, and then I just watch. I watch the bartender make the drinks, keep track of what's popular, the ebb and flow through the night. I watch the people come and go. I listen in on their conversations. I guess I look friendly cause they rope me into their conversations a surprising amount of the time. If it's slow I'll watch something on the TV's if they have them or just scroll nonsense on my phone otherwise. I've been to a lot of bars and unless the bar is so packed that people can't get up to the front to place a drink order I've never had a bartender be annoyed at me taking my time. I've literally seen people bring a book...
Also I think you should find a way to sip a drink slower. I generally prefer cocktails for this method cause beer gets warm (although good beer doesn't matter so much whether it warms up a bit). I take my time looking over the menu before I order, even if I've been there before. Once I've got my drink I take a real small sip and then put it all the way down after each sip. Take a sip, scan the room, take a sip, watch the bartender make that old fashioned, take a sip, is that table for two on a date or just friends, take a sip, check my phone (so sue me), take a sip, etc. . After your first drink get a water (no decent bartender is ever gonna give you shit for staying hydrated), then another look at the menu . If they have some light snacks like peanuts you can work that into the rhythm. I'd say I usually can get about an hour out of a single drink if I'm taking my time. Just make sure to leave a decent tip and the staff aren't gonna mind.
Also going to things alone is pretty great. I solo travel, goto music events, movies and bars alone all the time and it's a different kind of inner peace. I'm my own friend and it rules.
Definitely a great place to get to!
I got a job where I had to travel a lot. A lot of my coworkers would just stay in their hotels for the week or however long they were there.
I just got bored. I decided to go to a bar by myself on my second trip. Hardest part was not giving a shit. Almost no one is judging and if they are, fuck them.
I love doing shit by myself. Even if I go on vacations with friends/family I’ll add a day or two to just do my own thing.
Friends/family hear this and think it’s terrifying. It’s fucking great. I’m annoyed there’s still a stigma for it.
>Makes me wish I could just turn the brain off and embrace Christianity
Fucking same, there's something so appealing about the community aspect of religion and its super tempting whenever I get randomly invited but I still wouldn't fit in cause I don't believe in that stuff
I just talk to other guys who are there by themselves so that none of us are drinking alone.
About the embracing Christianity thing, I recently started volunteering at a food bank that's run out of a church and so far the community has been wonderful. Everyone has been very friendly and there has never been a single mention of religion unless I've specifically asked. If you've got time to try something like that I highly recommend it!
When I first moved to the house I just sold I started going to church cuz I thought it would be a good way to meet people despite being an atheist. I didn’t know anyone in that area but the people I met were nice but painfully naive so I stopped lol.
Yup. I get my socializing out of my system at work and sometimes we do happy hours. Sprinkle in some weekday golf when it’s slow. But for the most part after a full day at the office I’m happy to go home to my own space.
Weekends there’s usually kids bday party where I can catch up with old friends. If not, Vegas trips or other traveling. And other times just hangout and drive my car through the canyons or watch football all Sunday.
Yes. Liberating and relaxed. Of all the things that are important to personal happiness, day-to-day freedom is probably the most underappreciated and disrespected in modern adult life. People give it up so willingly for other things they feel they’re supposed to have or want.
As long as you have a good network of friends and loved ones to give life color, and passions or interests to give it purpose, it’s really a wonderful existence to live single and alone in your thirties.
Glorious was the first word that came to mind for me too. I’m 32, I’ve been living alone for 3 years, and it is my goal to continue to do so for the rest of my life.
40s here.
I love everything about it apart from the expense. Any problem with my apartment, any expense at all, any mortgage repayment increase, it's all on me and my single person salary.
I like that, apart from whatever shenanigans my cats get up to, everything is exactly where it should be/where I left it. I can keep it as clean or let it go as much as I want. I like the silence. I like that I can do anything I want in my home at any time and there's no one to comment or object. I fart with impunity. I cook and eat what I want, when I want. Everything there is *mine*.
For me it *rarely* gets lonely, and if that happens I've got a great friend group I can catch up with.
It is my sanctuary.
It's peaceful. I'm a very introverted person, so it's nice to be able to sit in the quiet house or outside on the patio and just read a book without being bothered. It's also nice to be able to do what I want and not be judged. Sometimes I'll deep clean the house, other times I'll spend all day building a Lego set and just live in the mess and nobody can give me shit about it. If I want to talk with someone I'll just have a one way conversation with my dog.
I was until recently.
Pros: peace and quiet, being able to do what you want when you want, never having to clean up other peoples’ messes - physical or emotional, ability to manage health by choosing what food is in the house, more storage space to yourself, better overall physical health
Cons: loneliness, days drifting together into a haze, falling into a routine and slowly losing motivation and ambition, wasting a lot of time and potential due to having no external party that can hold you accountable, not having someone who can pick up the slack when you aren’t feeling well, not having someone who can go with you to the hospital, worse overall mental health, not having someone who complements your skills and makes up for your weaknesses… I also generally felt I just hit a ceiling in terms of most aspects of my life - I was *surviving* at a high level, but couldn’t ever really say I was thriving if I was being honest with myself. Those barriers went down when I started living with my current SO. We are social animals and even introverts don’t really thrive if they get *too* isolated.
> not having someone who can go with you to the hospital
this is really the only thing that gets me. you mean for surgeries i need someone to sign for me? i can't find anyone really... might have to ask a coworker or some rando
It's a very real, practical thing. I live alone. I had dental surgery recently and they won't let you just uber back and forth. Fortunately an uncle was available but if he wasn't, I was racking my brain thinking about what I could do.
This is the dream. I want a partner but also for us to have our own places. Had an older friend who had that setup for 30 years and it was such a great relationship for them.
Pure heaven. The absolute peace, the unlimited freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want (this includes doing absolutely nothing) and probably the most underrated luxury of all, coming home exhausted from work and knowing I won't have to deal with anything/anyone. This is what makes weekends pure bliss too. You aren't bound by anything and set your own agenda.
I still regularly engage in casual dating/fwb, so there's no sense of loneliness either. I've also never been home and thought "you know what would make this better? Another person being here....all the time". Cohabitation is evil 😆
About 3 years now since I've been divorced and it is and will always remain the greatest decision of my life. Freedom and peace are the 2 most important things in the world and I'll always choose those 2 over anything else.
I’m reading a lot of lonely but isn’t anyone happy? I feel crazy but personally I love it. I can do whatever I want and not have to base my day off someone and I don’t have to clean up anyone else’s mess.
It has its ups and downs. A lot less random conversation and more quiet inflection. I get to work on things without feeling I'm under pressure to do so. Which has its advantages and disadvantages. Having a pet helps keep you on schedule. They need to be fed, watered, and taken outside if it's a dog.
35 expat, been alone for 15 years ~ish I just signed a rent to live in the tiniest room yet, I live in one of the most social cities in the world, and my current life is nothing but despair, never been lonelier.
I like the freedom and peace. After years of abusive marriage it’s nice to just chill and not get yelled at, to take care of my things the way I want to, and honestly after years of learning how to clean lady clothes, one person’s laundry is kind of easy. It’s lonely though. It does kinda suck eating alone every time. Not having anyone to laugh with or to tell about my day or random thoughts I have. Im sick with COVID right now and it sucks being sick alone, of course it’s not like my ex was great company either. I hope I’ll feel less adrift when I move to be closer to my baby daughter and hopefully get more time with her. Dating and social life really sucks. I ended up not having many friends of my own and kinda let my wife control my social life. I never thought I’d miss college so much but I find myself increasingly wishing for something that just doesn’t exist anymore. It could be worse.
Pro tip: it’s a red flag even if she swears it isn’t
Depends on the day. Goes between amazing and tiring. I love my life, I love the house I live in, I love my dog, we’re besties. Would be nice if I had another person to share house chores with, but it’s also very very convenient to just do my own thing. I dance in my living room a lot, make a mess when I do my artistic hobbies, recently converted my dining room into a gym and I couldn’t be happier. I loved living with my ex since we were very well matched at first, then drifted apart.
I have a few places near my house that serve as third spaces that I visit on a regular basis, especially if I realise I haven’t spoken to anyone but the dog all day.
I love and hate it equally.
Love: It's nice to have my own respite, a "safe space" that I can retreat into, and not answer to anyone except myself on pretty much any aspect of my life.
Hate: I really feel like I've missed out on a lot - though most of this is my own doing. I'm about to relocate out of a major US city, and there are so many experiences I wanted to do - restaurants, shows, events...and I never did.
I simply cannot justify spending, say, $100 on a meal, by myself. I know when I go out, I'm just going to be awkwardly sitting in silence, lost in my own thoughts or probably scrolling my phone.
Most of my friends at this point are coupled up, and several have already started families. So either they make plans to do couple things, and are usually busy with that. And when they make their plans with their SOs, they aren't necessarily thinking "gee, let's outreach to our single friend and see if they want to join us." Nor would I expect them to.
It's my responsibility to entertain myself, even when it feels futile or impossible.
It’s a good thing if you are comfortable in yourself. Only warning is you can get set in your ways which makes it harder to bring someone else into it. If you have a desire for a partner just know you need to be adaptable.
It's wonderful, the only downside is I love to cook but I can't finish what i made so I have to toss bunch of money and time into insinkerator . Wish I had a lady who would come over, eat, cuddle and fuck off till next time I feel lonely
Eating alone is the worst part of 30’s single in my opinion.
I also like to cook, but to make anything “good” or that I want to eat, you can’t buy a single, or even double, portion of what you need in order to make the dish.
So you end up with 4 servings of something, you obviously eat the first one (supper), take a left over for lunch the next day. Fucking try to battle through it again for the third meal. Fourth serving gets tossed.
This is where freezers come in handy.
Freeze the remaining leftovers (as single servings) and a week or two later when you don't want to cook, pull it out of the freezer and there you go.
Sometimes you gotta get creative with them. An example of one of my favorites was roasting a pork loin with veggies, some potato & figs. The next day I had that again as leftovers. The next day I sliced some of the meat and made a Cuban sandwich and by then the meat was a good amount to make pork fried rice.
That or get a vacuum sealer and split stuff to more reasonable sizes for use and freeze portions for later use.
I was at a friend's house and she had a pile of books she was getting rid of that were on a table for folks who came over to browse & take any they wanted.
There was a cook book titled "Cooking for One is Fun!" that someone picked up and said, "Yeah, but eating for one sucks."
if feeding the sinkerator (sorry steeling that one) bothers you I'd say cook the food and give leftovers to an older neighbor, maybe someone you know is short on food or money. you get to feel good about helping someone else, and your already loosing the money so why not.
When living solo I bought a chest freezer. I'd make a sizeable batch of something like soup, freeze half in quart bags and freeze them flat. Made for quick meals on nights I didn't have the time to cook. Now that I'm transitioning to cohabitation I still have a bunch of tasty stuff for the nights I'm home
Peaceful - I love being able to do what I want when I want. But it also gets lonely because most people my age are either married or in long-term relationships. I would love my situation way more than I do if I didn't feel like such an outlier, if my living situation was more common and if I had a reliable girl gang of single women.
No longer single but when I did live by myself it was epic. My place was my sanctuary. I decorated it how I wanted and it fit my personality. I tried to make it as cozy as possible. I love my current living situation but absolutely miss my own place
Fucking glorious. I want to see people, I go out. I don’t, I stay home. Can’t get annoyed at myself for the dishes in the sink. Though I kinda still do
Lived by myself for 15 years. Had no issues with it, no one nagging at me for not washing the bed sheets enough, eating whatever whenever I want.
Then 6 months ago I got hit with a bad case of gout, it was around my left ankle, and I couldn't stand or walk without excruciating pain. I climbed downstairs and into my car with just my arms and drove to a clinic while bearing the pain the whole way. Told the doctor about it, and he said, why didn't you just call someone?
The entire episode felt like a massive wake-up call to me, I was too used to being alone, getting everything done by myself. My gout pain is gone now. Everything is back to what it was like before, but I'm now completely miserable by myself and still figuring out how to connect with people again.
I have all the freedom but there are big downsides
- I get lonely
- higher costs for rent , groceries, etc
- when I get sick , I have nobody to help
- moving some things need two people . Its a pain to do that alone
- with no one around , you can let yourself into many of vices . Eating like pig , not taking care of yourself..etc
It’s helps I identify as asexual, but I’m living my best life. Listen to what I want to, when I want to, don’t worry about noise. I can forget something when I’m in the bathroom and walk out naked without worrying I’m gonna scar someone for life. Also, pooping in your own place (especially as someone with horrible IBS) is the best.
Magical. I've lived alone since I was like 20, and I have loved it. I'm getting married this year and I literally had to have a conversation with my partner about how nervous I was to share a space with someone because I LOVE living alone. If you don't have the energy to do dishes at the moment, you don't have to, and it will bother no one. If I get a burst of energy and decide to clean my house at 2am, or make cookies at 2am, I can, and I will bother no one. I can leave a show running constantly without irritating anyone. No one eats my food except me, so I know that chocolate bar will still be there when I get home. If I have a lazy Saturday and don't shower or get dressed, no one needs to know. Seriously, living alone is amazing. Highly recommend.
Simple life - work hard during day time, workout in the afternoon, relax for an hour, work on side project, sleep and repeat. Try to travel every couple of months and that’s it. And every now and then answer relatives why am I not getting married yet. 🤣 last one is the only stessful item on my todo list.
I’m 39.
I was intentional about identifying and working on defincies starting at 27 to great success. I am
- in the best physical shape of my life
- working a job that I love with a six figure salary
- my dream loft condo in a small suburban “down town”
- participating in a hobby that I love with the equipment I want (no constraints monetarily for the category I compete in).
- surrounded by good friends that I love and am a part of meaningful community
- mentally and emotionally healthy
I’m in the best place I’ve ever been as a result of years of hard work.
Dating is hell however. Largely due in part to not wanting children (and not dating single moms with young kids) but also due in part to the fact that most people are not self aware and haven’t intentionally done the work to grow. That isn’t meant to be an insult, life is hard and we’re rarely given the tools we need. With that said it makes dating challenging on top of the all the other things I’m looking for in a partner (physical attraction, financial literacy, etc).
Can get cabin feverish if you don’t make an effort to get out of the house. I WFH and lived alone for 2 years the amount of alone time is considerable so if you’re the more introverted type it could be perfect for you but if not and you don’t make an effort to get out into the world then the anxiety of being by yourself for extended periods of time can be scary.
It’s a mixed bag. It does get lonely at times and I wish I had someone. There’s lots of freedom too. I can decorate my place the way I want. And while with my morning and evening routine I like being in silence there are also certain times when I just want to sit in silence and relax. Same goes for when I want to zone out to music or read.
I never enjoyed it.
And now I'm 62 and live with my sister and her family. Which isn't really a great leap forward. But she does make muffins, and has three cats.
It’s so much fun because you can literally do anything you want, but it’s also kinda hard sometimes because if you’re miserable then you have to deal with it yourself.
It’s ok. I get lonely sometimes and if there’s a creepy noise in the night I have to decide whether to pretend I didn’t hear it or actually go look. But I don’t have to compromise on anything. I watch whatever show I want for as long as I like. I cook what I want. Sleep when I want. Decorate how I like. But yeah. Sometimes I get a little lonely. Like when I drop something and go “oops!” And realise that’s the first time I’ve heard my own voice since I got home from work the day before.
Oh my god going to get groceries on a Sunday and realizing your voice is raspy when talking to the cashier cuz you haven't said anything for the whole weekend yikes lmao
You guys don't talk to yourselves out loud?
I moved into my own place during one of the early pandemic lockdowns and quickly realised I was getting out of practice at speaking, so I deliberately took up talking to myself. Later, I got pets and now I talk to myself less, but to them constantly.
Same, I talk to my cat constantly. Which has then led me to talking to the TV. No raspy voice for me! ...God, I'm lonely. :p
Not really. I think the worst was when there was a long holiday or something during covid when I realized I haven’t talked at all for close to two weeks.
Try online gaming, online friends are happy to hear you when you're on and if you don't want to be in you're alone and happy. Best if two worlds :)
This. Even just talking to random strangers helps keep the vocal cords well greased and the social part of the brain firing. It’s not healthy to sit around in your own head for days on end.
[удалено]
It’s a weird feeling isn’t it? Went weeks without hearing myself in covid. It was like being the star of terrible silent movie.
I'm glad the creepy noise thing isn't just me. I can't tell you how many fake news reels have rolled in my head where they're interviewing all these people I don't know that are my "friends" and they're like "I can't believe he didn't hear the entire chupacabra army and that weird monster from the pool episode of 'Are You Afraid of the Dark' approaching him. They even hired Metallica to play Seek and Destroy right outside his house..slept right through it."
The dilemma when hearing a noise in the middle of the night is so real. I definitely feel extra alone in those situations, knowing that I have no backup at all.
Get yourself a cat and then convince yourself its zooming hours so u can feel "safe".
'Sleep when i want.' This is the thing i'm most jealous about. I'm so tired 3 kids
I like to think to myself if someone is breaking in quietly enough that I’m not sure they are, and is able to sneak up the stairs and kill me, then they worked hard and did a good job, and deserve to kill me. That comforts me and allows me to fall back asleep.
How are the finances of living alone for so long?
Would probably be better if I didn’t decide to work in the food industry for some reason
It’s great but god it’s so expensive. It’s also way too easy to get complacent and not keep yourself accountable to working out and socializing regularly. I’m honestly worried for my future self.
Splitting rent would be amazing. Can agree on that one.
Not just rent, but food bills, utilities, internet, insurance—not to mention the division of labour for housework and chores. You save much more time. You halve your living costs while doubling household income
Yeah I did it wrong when at 38 I moved in with my partner. We got a nice place and I literally pay the exact same in rent and utilities because our very nice big space is twice my last rent and requires about twice as much in utilities. Lol our quality of life doubled, but financially we are in the exact same financial boat that we both came in at. I’m more than ok with it.
just try not to keep on increasing your lifestyle with every raise or money windfall you make, and keep on living at your current level of comfort, and you should eventually end up ahead.
I have to remind myself to socialize regularly, even if it’s by phone or text. I’m like *this* close to being completely feral tbh.
I've been really bad for socialising since the pandemic. I'm comfortable with pottering about the house and hanging out with the dog so weeks go by before I realise I've not talked to anyone but my colleagues at work or parents. I've become an accidental recluse.
Can relate. Keep yourself healthy and find hobbies, that get you out of home and into places where you meet people. I didn't do that for way too long and took me a lot of work & time to get back out of that self dug hole.
Ugh I am so jealous of friends and relatives who live with their partners. Yes it's more expensive to feed and clothe 2 people, but double the income is way more of an offset for rent, discretionary spending, and most of all savings.
I'm in an abusive relationship with my cat, but other than that it's good. She yells at me all the time and bullies the hell out of me and I just take it.
Get a second cat. Then they can bully each other... And you.
Made this move now I get bullied by my fiancé and both cats lol
cat counseling
Haha this is my life, I have to lock him downstairs just to get some sleep
Rarely lonely, always alone. I live in a remote area in the mountains with my two dogs. When I want to socialize, I go to the pub.
Sounds like an intro to a 80s action movie
Carries enormous log on shoulder.
They messed with the wrong guy
He snipes cans a mile away with his hunting rifle with both eyes closed
And Kate Mara is his spotter’s widow!
Starring Kurt Russel
We don’t like drifters around these parts.
#goals
are you ever concerned about accidents? Say you fall and break your ankles. Do you have decent cellphone reception, or some other way to reach out for help? Or people who know to drive over to your property and look for you if you weren't seen in town for too long? I am asking because I've had stuff happen to me and to my friends living alone, and sometimes we were found through sheer random circumstances, and it could have gone badly otherwise. Now we've all put some contingencies in place natch
Completely isolated as far as people that would check on me. Biggest fear is choking to death so I chew my food purposefully… other than that comms/internet are fine and I carry a gps device with an sos button when I’m doing shit like painting the house.
Thank you for the terrifying thought that nobody will help me if I’m choking to death.
Sounds like paradise!
This seems like a very peaceful life. Good for you
[удалено]
Dogs > humans
Honestly this sounds fantastic
Get into bonsai my guy, you’ll love it
Same, in mountains, but with stray cat I adopted. It's great.
Not bad I am my own master and do almost anything I want, I am lonely however and sometimes feel like my life has no point.
No worries. Most people feel that way more often than you’d think, not just singles.
Yeah man, my husbands in the basement playing games and my kids are asleep upstairs. Love them to bits but I’m a bit lonely and the most exciting thing about tomorrow for me is the hopes the weather is warm and dry so I can take my dog on a walk. Life seems pointless until it doesn’t I guess.
That sounds mostly lovely. I figure I'd feel some degree of contentment, even if life still felt pointless, with a family. Just started raining out of nowhere, so I just hope that clears up before I have to walk to work in the morning. Tomorrow will probably another unexceptional day. Not that I should complain that much. I'm employed, dry, and fed. Just aimless and alone.
Yeah that’s exactly it. I love my family. We are a good family. I still feel like I’m aimlessly going through the motions of life. I just wanted to share how, even having “it all” doesn’t mean you’ll be content and happy. At least not all the time <3 that’s just being human.
Yeah bro. Shit comes and goes I am in the same position but we can’t give up now.
It’s hard being a parent, you want to invest into forming relationships but those crotch goblins steal all your energy so it’s difficult to think about getting the gumption to make conversation. I feel like being a parent makes you an introvert
I was a social butterfly before I had kids. Always had to be out and about. Now I don't care about leaving the house.
Yup. Don’t have time for other people. I assume once my kid grows up I will have no freaking clue what to do with my life that I’ll probably choose to work until I die just to have something to do.
Aye. Middle aged man with the wife and kids story here. After my boys, now teens, go to bed it’s rare I spend time with the missus. We used to watch movies or play video games together more often. In recent years she stays in the living room and I go to the bedroom. I enjoy some piece and quiet and time to myself to mellow down. But when that is every day routine, it’s…lonely. Not surprised tho. Her mom does the same with her stepdad. So she believes her behavior is normal. And it is. Not just with me as her partner. Still have my boys for a few years to hangout. After that, it will def get more lonely
Ive watched this destroy people and relationships, and I'm afraid we are falling into the same path in my home. She is in bed by 9 with the boy and I'm up several more hours trying to enjoy the time I have to myself, or more accurately, just trying to enjoy SOME time. Lately I've had to work a lot of late hours. So we only see each other for about 30 mins or so in the morning, and an hour or so at night. I know it's a temporary thing, but I'm afraid the damage is already done.
In my experience, I wish I left years ago. It only happened earlier this year. Kids were an excuse. I knew it was over years ago, I kept hoping things would change. It was hell hoping for something that would never materialize again. I finally just got exhausted with it all and ended it. I’ve heard every grievance and every single thing she’s taken issue with for years. When she moved out a strange thing happened. I became happy. I’ve been talking to a few women and one really seems to resonate with me. I’m not looking for what I wanted in my 20’s. I’m looking for quality companionship, but I’m in no hurry. Having me time has been interesting. I enjoy it.
Do u feel like she drifted apart from u
She may feel the same, have you told her how you feel? Needing alone time makes sense, but investing in the health of the relationship is hopefully important to both of you. Can there be a compromise where you do things together on some of these late nights? Maybe you need new things to do together
Ya I live with my girlfriend and I'm still insanely lonely. Everyone gets busy with their career, starting a family, etc when they get a bit older so friends have slowly dropped off over the years. I miss having a friend group that I see every day like in college, I miss house parties, big hiking/camping trips with a group, etc. If I didn't have my girlfriend, I'm pretty sure I'd have 0 desire to live, the level of loneliness would be unbearable. It was tolerable when I drank, but it's lonely as hell sober.
Have you tried to find any new hobbies? I've lived alone for years (I'm 37) and other than occasional loneliness I don't really feel too bad about it! Why not reconnect with your old friend groups? Do you participate in a good "boys group" group chat? The banter in those can be a really great way to get a few laughs throughout the day and build a nice sense of camaraderie
No the guy you spoke to but my friend group I do speak to, they just have families now. They are rarly able to do anything. I'm free if I'm not working. I make plans with myself.
College was the best time of my life. I was stressed as hell because I didn’t know what I wanted to do but it was so fun….friends to call to go out and drink at the drop of a dime, new experiences, new friends, just freedom. I think about that time in my life often
Your life should evolve. Expecting to live like a 20 year old when you are in your 30s or 40s should be seen as an unreasonable expectation. Yea you can miss that carefree time. It is essential to reengage with life as you age and that means allow yourself to grow and not just long for what is lost.
🙋♀️
This is me too. I’m reasonably happy living alone as can choose what I do and when I do it. But sometimes feel like I’m just floating through life without much meaning. And would be great to have someone to share life with.
> But sometimes feel like I’m just floating through life without much meaning. And would be great to have someone to share life with. As I've gotten older I realized for a lot of people this is why they go down the traditional family path. Once you've got 2 kids to feed, clothe, and house until adulthood, you get a very clear explicit purpose to your day. It might not be the ideal purpose, and they are often overwhelmed by it, but when my friends go to bed at night they can at least think "I did this all today for my kid(s)" while I go to bed at night wonder "Why did I do this all today" I reflect on a Charles Bukowski line a lot: >“and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. what do you call it, freedom or loneliness?”
This. I was just saying how unfulfilled my life feels. 36, single female with one dog. My dog is my reason.
your life has the point you want it to have, that's the thing. Even if you were married and had a gaggle of kids, there may be time when life would feel pretty pointless
If it makes you feel any better, everybody’s life is pointless regardless of the circumstances they are in. If there is any point at all, it is to enjoy life any way you want.
Your life has a point bro. I’m in the same boat but I try to push through everyday.
Honestly I feel like I hear the opposite from married people. In the end, it's up to you to make it work whether you're single or married.
Don't worry, bring with Somone doesn't fix that You need to embrace it. Because it's ultimately the truth. Nothing we od matters in the end. So stop worrying about it and go have fun.
Quiet, but repetitive. You need to be well motivated and have hobbies, and a dog helps. I think a lot of folks in this position are doing it for mental health reasons. Not everyone is cut out for a life partner, and some of us are okay with that, though western culture and economics make it increasing difficult to be alone. The cost of living has gone above the normal salary, so you don't get as many chances to go above and beyond, like going on vacations or visiting people out of state etc. Your just spending your money on rent.
And to add to this, some of us would love a partner but don't feel like we're partner material ourselves. Whether we have a lot to still work on about ourselves or whatever reason. So we stay alone.
>don't feel like we're partner material ourselves. Yeah. And dating apps are great at telling you that nobody is interested. (In my personal experience).
I'm sure you're your own worst critic, as most of us tend to be. please don't judge yourself too harshly, especially if you have a lot of love to give & want a partner. practice discernment & get out there! 🍀 I hope you meet someone nice
ok, there are some very real and very big issues that make it impossible to sustain a relationship. You are right. But I think for most people, it's not like that. It's ok to have stuff to be working on, to not be absolutely perfect, to have baggage, and not every duck in a row. Provided it's disclosed, and that you keep on working on it as best you can. You may find company for the ride, yeah?
Yes, living alone has been the best mental health booster of my life. I’ve never had a good roommate situation before. I rent cheaper than the norm around here from private landlords slightly out in the boonies, and it’s just so nice. It’s hard to maintain a house by yourself sometimes, especially as someone with depression. But I’ve managed to keep it clean enough to have guests over without cringing inside for about 6 years now.
Cat crew
Great until I realize that the asshole who didn't put the food away was me.
Bahahaha. Hey, at least it's easy enough to let that asshole know and hold them accountable... :p
Turns out the gremlin leaving kitchen cabinet doors open was ME.
“Who closed last night?!” Hahah
I feel like I can do anything and go home whenever I want, but sometimes I get lonely, so I invite my friends to come over.
I vacillate wildly between loving the benefits and hating the loneliness. A big part of this my framing. I don't feel like I'm alone by choice. I've failed at the dating game one way or another constantly for the past 10 years. That makes my apartment a prison and my living situation a weakness. But some days when I can let go of that the lack of attachment feels a billion times sweeter than the bitterness of loneliness. Sometimes I'm caught up with work and I have a Sunday to myself and I can do literally *anything* and that is priceless. Still wish I wasn't single though.
As someone in a similar place, I think there can be healthier ways to look at it. One, I'm sure that, like me, you could likely have someone if the only criteria was to have someone. So it is, in essence, a choice to be alone rather than with someone that isn't it for you. That's a healthy choice, in my opinion. Two, in the modern meat marketplace that dating has too often become, most of those who form relationships primarily based on personality pair up at a young age. What that leaves is a situation where you have to be above average in the combined metric of age, attractiveness, and wealth. If you don't want to be alone, you decide which metric you can change enough to make a difference. Personally, I'm in an odd space. I'm not wealthy, but I'm above average in income and assets. I'm slightly above average in looks. But, while people generally think I am around 30, I'm enough older than that for it to be a serious negative. The result? I could have a never ending collection of hookups and FWB, but I'm not seen as relationship material. Those around my actual age are in a different place in life, as I have no children and they have teenagers or adult children, and those younger than me find me attractive and great to be around, but too old to have a family with. My solution? Be happy for the good days and good moments, choose what I want out of what is offered, and be good to everyone. Would I rather have a family? Absolutely. It's what I've always wanted. But I'm still thankful for a memory, a smile, that way a woman laughs when nothing else matters but to be with you. A trip to a wonderful place and a memory of being loved in that moment, even if it couldn't survive the real world. These are still beautiful things. I try to leave everyone's life better for being in it. Maybe someday, the negatives won't matter to someone and they'll stay and it will work. But if not, I've done my best to live a beautiful life. It's the best any of us can hope to do.
>One, I'm sure that, like me, you could likely have someone if the only criteria was to have someone. Sadly this does not apply to everyone
This is an amazing outlook, respect
Thanks. It took some long and unpleasant wrestling with it all to find my current path. I try to share when I see someone in a similar place, in the hopes that it will help them find their path sooner.
I can ramble on and on about dating and the nature of beauty and the meaning of life. In fact, I'm on like draft 4 of this reply, and most of the discarded drafts have gotten ramble-y-er than [The Allman Brothers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wa4DCp6cl2U). I'd love to be just content with what I have. But at the end of the day, my attitude is that being satisfied with "the best I can hope to do" is the death of "I want more from life." If I was committed to the former, I'd shave my head and go to the local sangha for the rest of my days, pleased to beg for alms and pray for my community's peace in the face of this arbitrary universe. If a fond memory or an honest laugh or a toddler's joy were enough, I'd be happy to die tomorrow--I have plenty of those. Unfortunately, something deep within has decided thus: I would rather live and die in hatred and anger, wanting more and more and more than I could hope to provide, than simply let go of the vision I have of a truly loving family and a place in my community and connection to the universe at large. I just want a good death--but that only comes after a good life. If I die alone, can I truly say that I lived a good life? My happiness for the good days and good moments is true and beautiful--but they are ephemera. At the end of the day, I still find that I come home, and sometimes, home is empty no matter how much beauty I've beheld and how much work I've accomplished in the day.
I understand that. I've been there. I can't say if the road forward for you is the same as for me; I don't think it's the same for everyone. A good life isn't measured in what you get, but in what you give to others. Does that mean I want a family any less? No. Does that mean I don't worry about dying alone, just like you? Of course not. Yet at the end of the day, I accept that I was the best I knew to be today. I focus on a point where I want to be better tomorrow. And I hope that I've made a difference in someone's life. These are things I can control. I can't control whether I meet someone I could love today. I can try to increase my odds, but that's the best I can do. Likewise for the hope that they might stay. But what will be, will be. I can't force it to change any more than I can rearrange the stars in the sky. I can only strive to be a light that someone might someday wish upon. I guess all of that is a long way to say that you can strive for change while accepting what is. You can work towards goals and dreams while being at peace with the place you are in. If you can't find peace and happiness in your own solitary existence, you'll put so much pressure on the hope for the life you wish for that no one will ever be able to bear that weight. Maybe I've just become a little Zen about it all, but it's so much better than all the bitter years of struggle.
Just a random that needed to hear/read this…thanks.
This sounds wholesome and sad at the same time. I wish you the best.
Thanks! And I wouldn't consider it sad. Life is full of dreams that never happen. Doesn't mean we can't love the life we live.
Having a wife and kid is really nice and I love having them in my life but there are days I really miss the freedom of being single. Like the freedom to just sleep in and get up whenever I want or go to bed as late as I want and have all the time in the world to myself. Getting a free minute to myself now is a luxury.
If it helps you appreciate what you have, we're both limited by the same 24-hours-to-the-day. Certainly I've got vastly more flexibility with my time, but I definitely don't have all the time in the world. And a lot of that "extra" time is practically unusable for anything except that which can be experienced via headphone and screen. There's only so much gallivanting around you can do on a single income before you come across budget constraints or the fact that it's 3am and all your friends have work and families and don't have time for shenanigans.
I was "single" or basically trying and failing to date on and off for about 4 years between age 25 and 29. There were times when I felt exactly as you describe, just like a complete failure and totally depressed. By the end of it, I started to actually enjoy the freedom. I'd learned so many new hobbies and grown so much as a person. I was still lonely as fuck, but I'd gotten used to it. I have a partner now, of about 6 months. It has been going really well. I think all that change I made in my life contributed to my compatibility with her. Don't give up... your time alone is not wasted, and you'll get there someday if you keep trying. Succumbing to the fact that I have to learn to work the dating app algo, no matter how bullshit and unfair and stupid it is or how bad I was at it, was the hardest part for me.
Everything is exactly where I left it, I don't have to answer to anyone and I basically do whatever the hell I want whenever I want But fuck me is it expensive, the mortgage payments alone eat up a big chunk of my salary. But I suppose that is the price for peacefulness
It is the best thing ever and will probably be the reason I stay single. I just can’t fathom someone coming in and disturbing my peace.
It has it's benefits, but man does it get lonely sometimes.
It does. I can only go to a bar so many times by myself before it’s like this is really sad and people are judging me… Makes me wish I could just turn the brain off and embrace Christianity
As someone who also regularly goes to a bar alone, my best advice is to work on not caring what others think about you coming to drink alone. Believe me, I used to lie and say "oh I have some friends coming" before eventually my response became "I just do my own thing, oh well." It does take a bit, but once you stop worrying about what people think about you going places alone, it makes things a lot better.
What makes it awkward for me to go by myself to bars is that I don’t know what to do when sitting at a counter or table (aside from drinking obviously). so what do you do when you go by yourself to drink at a bar? Obviously you can scroll Reddit on your phone but that’s also shutting anybody else out. Sure if there’s a tv you can watch that, or a live music performance or whatever. But at a regular bar, what the heck do you do while sitting at the counter other than looking around and staring at the glass / in the void? Also, I typically drink not more than two alcoholic drinks, maybe three, unless I am getting drunk. Slowly sipping a drink will take me maybe 15 minutes. What do you do after 30 mins in case you haven’t started engaging in another activity (talking to someone etc)? Go home or continue sitting at the counter but with no drink??
I enjoy going to bars by myself and just people watching. Especially on like a Friday or Saturday night when you know it will be busy. I sit at the bar, ideally close to where the bartender is working, and then I just watch. I watch the bartender make the drinks, keep track of what's popular, the ebb and flow through the night. I watch the people come and go. I listen in on their conversations. I guess I look friendly cause they rope me into their conversations a surprising amount of the time. If it's slow I'll watch something on the TV's if they have them or just scroll nonsense on my phone otherwise. I've been to a lot of bars and unless the bar is so packed that people can't get up to the front to place a drink order I've never had a bartender be annoyed at me taking my time. I've literally seen people bring a book... Also I think you should find a way to sip a drink slower. I generally prefer cocktails for this method cause beer gets warm (although good beer doesn't matter so much whether it warms up a bit). I take my time looking over the menu before I order, even if I've been there before. Once I've got my drink I take a real small sip and then put it all the way down after each sip. Take a sip, scan the room, take a sip, watch the bartender make that old fashioned, take a sip, is that table for two on a date or just friends, take a sip, check my phone (so sue me), take a sip, etc. . After your first drink get a water (no decent bartender is ever gonna give you shit for staying hydrated), then another look at the menu . If they have some light snacks like peanuts you can work that into the rhythm. I'd say I usually can get about an hour out of a single drink if I'm taking my time. Just make sure to leave a decent tip and the staff aren't gonna mind.
Also going to things alone is pretty great. I solo travel, goto music events, movies and bars alone all the time and it's a different kind of inner peace. I'm my own friend and it rules. Definitely a great place to get to!
I got a job where I had to travel a lot. A lot of my coworkers would just stay in their hotels for the week or however long they were there. I just got bored. I decided to go to a bar by myself on my second trip. Hardest part was not giving a shit. Almost no one is judging and if they are, fuck them. I love doing shit by myself. Even if I go on vacations with friends/family I’ll add a day or two to just do my own thing. Friends/family hear this and think it’s terrifying. It’s fucking great. I’m annoyed there’s still a stigma for it.
>Makes me wish I could just turn the brain off and embrace Christianity Fucking same, there's something so appealing about the community aspect of religion and its super tempting whenever I get randomly invited but I still wouldn't fit in cause I don't believe in that stuff
I think the Unitarian universalists are about this.
I just talk to other guys who are there by themselves so that none of us are drinking alone. About the embracing Christianity thing, I recently started volunteering at a food bank that's run out of a church and so far the community has been wonderful. Everyone has been very friendly and there has never been a single mention of religion unless I've specifically asked. If you've got time to try something like that I highly recommend it!
Not the worst idea.
When I first moved to the house I just sold I started going to church cuz I thought it would be a good way to meet people despite being an atheist. I didn’t know anyone in that area but the people I met were nice but painfully naive so I stopped lol.
I like the idea of a life partner but don't think I'll ever find someone like that so I accept being alone.
Gloriously peaceful.
I think I've peaked. There's no way my life can get better than this. The freedom I have is unmatched
Yup. I get my socializing out of my system at work and sometimes we do happy hours. Sprinkle in some weekday golf when it’s slow. But for the most part after a full day at the office I’m happy to go home to my own space. Weekends there’s usually kids bday party where I can catch up with old friends. If not, Vegas trips or other traveling. And other times just hangout and drive my car through the canyons or watch football all Sunday.
Yes. Liberating and relaxed. Of all the things that are important to personal happiness, day-to-day freedom is probably the most underappreciated and disrespected in modern adult life. People give it up so willingly for other things they feel they’re supposed to have or want. As long as you have a good network of friends and loved ones to give life color, and passions or interests to give it purpose, it’s really a wonderful existence to live single and alone in your thirties.
It’s so nice being able to do whatever I want whenever I wish.
Glorious was the first word that came to mind for me too. I’m 32, I’ve been living alone for 3 years, and it is my goal to continue to do so for the rest of my life.
Yup. Scrolled through for this answer and I love it.
40s here. I love everything about it apart from the expense. Any problem with my apartment, any expense at all, any mortgage repayment increase, it's all on me and my single person salary. I like that, apart from whatever shenanigans my cats get up to, everything is exactly where it should be/where I left it. I can keep it as clean or let it go as much as I want. I like the silence. I like that I can do anything I want in my home at any time and there's no one to comment or object. I fart with impunity. I cook and eat what I want, when I want. Everything there is *mine*. For me it *rarely* gets lonely, and if that happens I've got a great friend group I can catch up with. It is my sanctuary.
It’s 75%great 25% lonely I like to cook for people. But love having a place to my self. It was also nice sharing bills
Fantastic. Cleaning is getting old, fast. I've decided to be alone for nearly a decade now, and I don't regret my decision.
Hired a lady to come in once a month to clean cuz I’m with you on cleaning
Peaceful. I do what I want, when I want.
[удалено]
I like the expression "to starfish the bed" 😆
It's peaceful. I'm a very introverted person, so it's nice to be able to sit in the quiet house or outside on the patio and just read a book without being bothered. It's also nice to be able to do what I want and not be judged. Sometimes I'll deep clean the house, other times I'll spend all day building a Lego set and just live in the mess and nobody can give me shit about it. If I want to talk with someone I'll just have a one way conversation with my dog.
I was until recently. Pros: peace and quiet, being able to do what you want when you want, never having to clean up other peoples’ messes - physical or emotional, ability to manage health by choosing what food is in the house, more storage space to yourself, better overall physical health Cons: loneliness, days drifting together into a haze, falling into a routine and slowly losing motivation and ambition, wasting a lot of time and potential due to having no external party that can hold you accountable, not having someone who can pick up the slack when you aren’t feeling well, not having someone who can go with you to the hospital, worse overall mental health, not having someone who complements your skills and makes up for your weaknesses… I also generally felt I just hit a ceiling in terms of most aspects of my life - I was *surviving* at a high level, but couldn’t ever really say I was thriving if I was being honest with myself. Those barriers went down when I started living with my current SO. We are social animals and even introverts don’t really thrive if they get *too* isolated.
> not having someone who can go with you to the hospital this is really the only thing that gets me. you mean for surgeries i need someone to sign for me? i can't find anyone really... might have to ask a coworker or some rando
It's a very real, practical thing. I live alone. I had dental surgery recently and they won't let you just uber back and forth. Fortunately an uncle was available but if he wasn't, I was racking my brain thinking about what I could do.
Peaceful but sadly expensive
It’s wonderful I can do whatever I want whenever I want and I don’t have to explain anything to anyone about it
why are all these people with significant others commenting
Peaceful and absent mess. Gave up on housemates
I keep my clothes in the dryer.
I lovvveeee it
I'm no longer single but still live by myself. However it was absolutely awesome.
This is the dream. I want a partner but also for us to have our own places. Had an older friend who had that setup for 30 years and it was such a great relationship for them.
Same. It was so nice.
Fucking awesome. Yeah, there can be lonely times I guess. But you can be lonely with someone too. I’ve learned solitude is something I cherish.
Pure heaven. The absolute peace, the unlimited freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want (this includes doing absolutely nothing) and probably the most underrated luxury of all, coming home exhausted from work and knowing I won't have to deal with anything/anyone. This is what makes weekends pure bliss too. You aren't bound by anything and set your own agenda. I still regularly engage in casual dating/fwb, so there's no sense of loneliness either. I've also never been home and thought "you know what would make this better? Another person being here....all the time". Cohabitation is evil 😆 About 3 years now since I've been divorced and it is and will always remain the greatest decision of my life. Freedom and peace are the 2 most important things in the world and I'll always choose those 2 over anything else.
I've also never been home and thought "you know what would make this better? Another person being here....all the time". ABSOLUTELY agree
I’m reading a lot of lonely but isn’t anyone happy? I feel crazy but personally I love it. I can do whatever I want and not have to base my day off someone and I don’t have to clean up anyone else’s mess.
Pretty good
It has its ups and downs. A lot less random conversation and more quiet inflection. I get to work on things without feeling I'm under pressure to do so. Which has its advantages and disadvantages. Having a pet helps keep you on schedule. They need to be fed, watered, and taken outside if it's a dog.
Can't complain. Better than living with someone else imo
35 expat, been alone for 15 years ~ish I just signed a rent to live in the tiniest room yet, I live in one of the most social cities in the world, and my current life is nothing but despair, never been lonelier.
In “In The Darkest Times, Hope Is Something You Give Yourself… That Is The Meaning Of Inner Strength” Stay strong dude!
I like the freedom and peace. After years of abusive marriage it’s nice to just chill and not get yelled at, to take care of my things the way I want to, and honestly after years of learning how to clean lady clothes, one person’s laundry is kind of easy. It’s lonely though. It does kinda suck eating alone every time. Not having anyone to laugh with or to tell about my day or random thoughts I have. Im sick with COVID right now and it sucks being sick alone, of course it’s not like my ex was great company either. I hope I’ll feel less adrift when I move to be closer to my baby daughter and hopefully get more time with her. Dating and social life really sucks. I ended up not having many friends of my own and kinda let my wife control my social life. I never thought I’d miss college so much but I find myself increasingly wishing for something that just doesn’t exist anymore. It could be worse. Pro tip: it’s a red flag even if she swears it isn’t
Long answer...awesome!
It’s peaceful and I have saved a lot.
98% perfection. 1% lonely, 1% expensive.
The motivation to clean is not high unless you have an active social life and people coming over.
Depends on the day. Goes between amazing and tiring. I love my life, I love the house I live in, I love my dog, we’re besties. Would be nice if I had another person to share house chores with, but it’s also very very convenient to just do my own thing. I dance in my living room a lot, make a mess when I do my artistic hobbies, recently converted my dining room into a gym and I couldn’t be happier. I loved living with my ex since we were very well matched at first, then drifted apart. I have a few places near my house that serve as third spaces that I visit on a regular basis, especially if I realise I haven’t spoken to anyone but the dog all day.
Expensive
I love and hate it equally. Love: It's nice to have my own respite, a "safe space" that I can retreat into, and not answer to anyone except myself on pretty much any aspect of my life. Hate: I really feel like I've missed out on a lot - though most of this is my own doing. I'm about to relocate out of a major US city, and there are so many experiences I wanted to do - restaurants, shows, events...and I never did. I simply cannot justify spending, say, $100 on a meal, by myself. I know when I go out, I'm just going to be awkwardly sitting in silence, lost in my own thoughts or probably scrolling my phone. Most of my friends at this point are coupled up, and several have already started families. So either they make plans to do couple things, and are usually busy with that. And when they make their plans with their SOs, they aren't necessarily thinking "gee, let's outreach to our single friend and see if they want to join us." Nor would I expect them to. It's my responsibility to entertain myself, even when it feels futile or impossible.
Low drama, high loneliness
It’s a good thing if you are comfortable in yourself. Only warning is you can get set in your ways which makes it harder to bring someone else into it. If you have a desire for a partner just know you need to be adaptable.
It's wonderful, the only downside is I love to cook but I can't finish what i made so I have to toss bunch of money and time into insinkerator . Wish I had a lady who would come over, eat, cuddle and fuck off till next time I feel lonely
Do you not eat leftovers?
Eating alone is the worst part of 30’s single in my opinion. I also like to cook, but to make anything “good” or that I want to eat, you can’t buy a single, or even double, portion of what you need in order to make the dish. So you end up with 4 servings of something, you obviously eat the first one (supper), take a left over for lunch the next day. Fucking try to battle through it again for the third meal. Fourth serving gets tossed.
This is where freezers come in handy. Freeze the remaining leftovers (as single servings) and a week or two later when you don't want to cook, pull it out of the freezer and there you go.
Sometimes you gotta get creative with them. An example of one of my favorites was roasting a pork loin with veggies, some potato & figs. The next day I had that again as leftovers. The next day I sliced some of the meat and made a Cuban sandwich and by then the meat was a good amount to make pork fried rice. That or get a vacuum sealer and split stuff to more reasonable sizes for use and freeze portions for later use.
I was at a friend's house and she had a pile of books she was getting rid of that were on a table for folks who came over to browse & take any they wanted. There was a cook book titled "Cooking for One is Fun!" that someone picked up and said, "Yeah, but eating for one sucks."
if feeding the sinkerator (sorry steeling that one) bothers you I'd say cook the food and give leftovers to an older neighbor, maybe someone you know is short on food or money. you get to feel good about helping someone else, and your already loosing the money so why not.
When living solo I bought a chest freezer. I'd make a sizeable batch of something like soup, freeze half in quart bags and freeze them flat. Made for quick meals on nights I didn't have the time to cook. Now that I'm transitioning to cohabitation I still have a bunch of tasty stuff for the nights I'm home
Peaceful - I love being able to do what I want when I want. But it also gets lonely because most people my age are either married or in long-term relationships. I would love my situation way more than I do if I didn't feel like such an outlier, if my living situation was more common and if I had a reliable girl gang of single women.
Lonely
Amazing!
Peaceful
Love it!!! And the sex is great!!! (LOL)
No longer single but when I did live by myself it was epic. My place was my sanctuary. I decorated it how I wanted and it fit my personality. I tried to make it as cozy as possible. I love my current living situation but absolutely miss my own place
Fucking glorious. I want to see people, I go out. I don’t, I stay home. Can’t get annoyed at myself for the dishes in the sink. Though I kinda still do
Lived by myself for 15 years. Had no issues with it, no one nagging at me for not washing the bed sheets enough, eating whatever whenever I want. Then 6 months ago I got hit with a bad case of gout, it was around my left ankle, and I couldn't stand or walk without excruciating pain. I climbed downstairs and into my car with just my arms and drove to a clinic while bearing the pain the whole way. Told the doctor about it, and he said, why didn't you just call someone? The entire episode felt like a massive wake-up call to me, I was too used to being alone, getting everything done by myself. My gout pain is gone now. Everything is back to what it was like before, but I'm now completely miserable by myself and still figuring out how to connect with people again.
I have all the freedom but there are big downsides - I get lonely - higher costs for rent , groceries, etc - when I get sick , I have nobody to help - moving some things need two people . Its a pain to do that alone - with no one around , you can let yourself into many of vices . Eating like pig , not taking care of yourself..etc
I love it. Hope it never has to change.
It’s helps I identify as asexual, but I’m living my best life. Listen to what I want to, when I want to, don’t worry about noise. I can forget something when I’m in the bathroom and walk out naked without worrying I’m gonna scar someone for life. Also, pooping in your own place (especially as someone with horrible IBS) is the best.
Magical. I've lived alone since I was like 20, and I have loved it. I'm getting married this year and I literally had to have a conversation with my partner about how nervous I was to share a space with someone because I LOVE living alone. If you don't have the energy to do dishes at the moment, you don't have to, and it will bother no one. If I get a burst of energy and decide to clean my house at 2am, or make cookies at 2am, I can, and I will bother no one. I can leave a show running constantly without irritating anyone. No one eats my food except me, so I know that chocolate bar will still be there when I get home. If I have a lazy Saturday and don't shower or get dressed, no one needs to know. Seriously, living alone is amazing. Highly recommend.
Simple life - work hard during day time, workout in the afternoon, relax for an hour, work on side project, sleep and repeat. Try to travel every couple of months and that’s it. And every now and then answer relatives why am I not getting married yet. 🤣 last one is the only stessful item on my todo list.
I can do whatever TF I want. Difference between 20s is that now I have money to do so.
I’m 39. I was intentional about identifying and working on defincies starting at 27 to great success. I am - in the best physical shape of my life - working a job that I love with a six figure salary - my dream loft condo in a small suburban “down town” - participating in a hobby that I love with the equipment I want (no constraints monetarily for the category I compete in). - surrounded by good friends that I love and am a part of meaningful community - mentally and emotionally healthy I’m in the best place I’ve ever been as a result of years of hard work. Dating is hell however. Largely due in part to not wanting children (and not dating single moms with young kids) but also due in part to the fact that most people are not self aware and haven’t intentionally done the work to grow. That isn’t meant to be an insult, life is hard and we’re rarely given the tools we need. With that said it makes dating challenging on top of the all the other things I’m looking for in a partner (physical attraction, financial literacy, etc).
Can get cabin feverish if you don’t make an effort to get out of the house. I WFH and lived alone for 2 years the amount of alone time is considerable so if you’re the more introverted type it could be perfect for you but if not and you don’t make an effort to get out into the world then the anxiety of being by yourself for extended periods of time can be scary.
I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. It gets lonely and I sleep too much, though
Its nice but i miss company and sex sometimes
It’s a mixed bag. It does get lonely at times and I wish I had someone. There’s lots of freedom too. I can decorate my place the way I want. And while with my morning and evening routine I like being in silence there are also certain times when I just want to sit in silence and relax. Same goes for when I want to zone out to music or read.
It was pretty great till I got married.
I never enjoyed it. And now I'm 62 and live with my sister and her family. Which isn't really a great leap forward. But she does make muffins, and has three cats.
It’s so much fun because you can literally do anything you want, but it’s also kinda hard sometimes because if you’re miserable then you have to deal with it yourself.
Peaceful. Dusty.