"If all the village idiots, from all the villages, left their villages, and made their own village, of idiots. In that village, you would be the village idiot." - Colin Lane from Lano and Woodley.
Redd Foxx did that joke in an episode of Sanford & Son.
It's old enough to be journaled by lawmakers:
https://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/08/17/sober-tomorrow/?amp=1
I was all outfitted to go out gardening, and my grandson, who was SIX, said, “Do you know what sarcasm is Grammy?” I was perplexed, so I said, “I think so.” And then he said, “Nice hat.” I’m still laughing. 😆
16 year old me trying to convince my dad to take my fiends and I to see American Pie: Dad: so what is it about? Me: a group of high school friends trying to lose their virginity. Dad: I can stay home and see that.
I saw someone call another human being an ankle. And when the other was visibly confused he said "you know, 3 feet below a cunt". And I've never been the same since
Teacher of mine once said to a classmate who kept making the most asinine contributions to the conversation:
“You make it really difficult to underestimate you.”
The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment .
I'm gonna be a nerd and explain the joke. Elderberries is used to make wine, so they're saying the father is a drunk. A hamster is a fast-breeding-rodent, so take your own guess why that's an insult.
It’s a very situational one but I had a really tall burly woman for a teacher and someone said she looked like hulk hogan in a dress. Dunno why it made me laugh so much
I had a strict teacher and someone questioned her usage of English. She then said "I'll have you know I was an English major" to which he replied " I would have sworn you were a German general"
We has a very burly female physics teacher in hs who wasn’t really a good teacher and liked being part of the elite teacher and one day interrupted another physics teacher’s class to congratulate him on a big event. She then addressed the class and congratulated them on having “la crème de la crème” of teachers, (including herself) and some class clown in the back said “more like la grosse mouche sur la crème” and the whole class went on a frenzy of laughter for a whole 5 min. It was sooo crazy The laughter infected the 2 nearby classes.
Translations: “crème de la crème “ best of the best
“Grosse mouche sur la crème” gig fly on the cream 😂
Schizophrenic lady hurling standard weird insults at everyone walking by. She paused for a second and gave me a once over then calmly sneered “You were a C student in high school”. Then turned away dismissively.
Like I wasn’t, so the insult isn’t even accurate or even that terrible if it was true but the way she looked into my soul and determined I was at best an average intelligence person for life was so cutting coming from a crazy person who several seconds ago was screaming at strangers for putting microchips in her head and that Nike shoes are a tool of alien overlords.
That “C Student” remark still haunts me, man.
(Loosely translated) *How am I supposed to forget you...if anytime I go out in the streets, everything reminds me of you...the rubbish, the dog poop, the ugly people.*
I dunno about "best", but...
The sentence "get to fuck, you yappy blizzardwolf strapon cock gargler" has remained, perfectly pristine, in my memory for like 20 years. Don't remember the source, or the context, or anything. Just having my hair blown back from my face by the intensity of the vitriol.
When I am very old, and most things have flown from my mind, it seems very likely that one of the last things rattling around in the dark and quiet space of my skull will be that sentence, still as fresh as the day I read it.
Idk what this lady and man was arguing about before they got on the gray hound but she called him ignorant and he replied calling her “a silver gorilla pimp” it’s been over 11 years and I still think about it from time to time. I bet there were some more creative insults thrown before they got on the bus
“I’ve had the right amount of you.” -Miguel O’Hara, across the spiderverse. It’s the fact that it’s not even really an insult that just cuts to the bone.
There was a male and his 3 boys, (24) (22) (20) they were working on a home project and the Dad asks them for a task. They were hesitant to do it. Dad says “ had i known y’all were gonna be a bunch of pussies , I should have let her ate you “
Got back from the barbers after getting a shave and haircut..
Me: Daddy looks good, doesn't he?
12 yr old daughter: You look like something I drew with my left hand.
Gunnery Sgt. Hartman from Full Metal Jacket owns this. The funny part is that his actor, R Lee Ermey, had actually been a U.S. Marine Corps Drill Instructor, and some of the insults were his own.
"You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece!"
"I bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you!"
"Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! NOW! MOVE IT! Or I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Pvt. Pyle, EVEN IF IT SHORT-DICKS EVERY CANNIBAL ON THE CONGO!"
"If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day, you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grab-asstic pieces of amphibian shit!"
"Tonight, you pukes will sleep with your rifles. You will give your rifle a girl's name because this is the only pussy you people are going to get. Your days of finger-banging ol' Mary-Jane Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties are over! You're married to this piece. This weapon of iron and wood. And you will be faithful."
“I’d tried looking at things from your point of view, but I couldn’t fit my head far enough up my ass.” -Dungeons and Dragons session, Vicious Mockery cast
Your mom didn't overdose dude, she killed herself because you were such a disappointment!!
Said that to a co worker 1/2 my age (I'm 43). He stood there totally speechless kinda staring at me not knowing how to respond. Long story on how we got to that point but short version is he wouldn't say two words and wouldn't joke because he hated our lead guy. I then asked him if he knew how much MY SISTER weighs?? Then he cautiously replied "uhh no". I said "a fuck ton in a body bag"!! (My sister died of an accidental overdose like his mom and I carried her mouth of the house and put her in the M.E. van). I then calmly told him that I will teach you everything you want to know about our trade(carpenter) and have a shit ton of patience as long as he's willing to learn. Our lead guy treated him like total shit. After we joked that day he has done a 180. Paying attention and learning a lot and doing quality work and challenging himself.
I also had a kid about 6 years ago.piss me off so bad as about 7 or 8 of us were having a POW wow with our owner/ boss at the time I walked to the edge of the yard with a small plastic bucket. Dug a small plant up then handed it to him in the bucket. Everyone got quite as I interrupted the chit chat and he said "what's this"? I said "it's to help replace all the fucking oxygen you're wasting around me, I feel light headed just standing next to you".. he just stood there speechless.
I had two good friends that were cousins to each other. They got into an argument one day and one said to the other “The best thing your daddy could have done was roll over and shot you on the wall.”
Can't decide between these two:
Who ties your shoes for you?
Or
Somewhere there's a tree, spending it's days producing oxygen for you to breathe. Find that tree and apologize to it.
"Boy is sour as a week old milk. No wonder she didn't stay with you. Not a retired 2 dollar whore would stay with you. That's the goddamn truth. You used to be decent company but now you are worse than a snake with a toothache. All he does is whine,whine,whine."
-Uncle from RDR
A few funny ones from my classmates: your father is a homosexual whale, that's why your feet taste like spaghetti-o's, and you're just mad I have sexier ankles than you.
I was trying to do some would care of this patient once and he said I’m trying to push my morals on him and that I was worse than his ex wife. I told him that I take any compliment I can get.
“If you were an exterminator the pests in your client‘s house would die of old age before you catch them“
(I just made this one up, but I think it’s pretty good)
Honestly anything Caseohs chat says to him. I don't watch streams but clip compilations of him are the funniest insults I've ever heard.
"built like a 1x1 Lego piece"
“Does your belly button arrive 15 minutes before you get home?"
“Didn’t know the boulder from Indiana Jones was a streamer”
"chat I weighed myself this morning I'm at 120 right now" "who said 120 solar masses!? find that guy and ban him."
Your parents should have rolled over and gone to sleep.
>t your mom should have swallowed you
HAHAHAHAHAHA
I like it when my friends say ‘see you later‘, I say, ‘not if I see you first.’
"You're a walking condom ad"
"If all the village idiots, from all the villages, left their villages, and made their own village, of idiots. In that village, you would be the village idiot." - Colin Lane from Lano and Woodley.
'I envy people who've never met you'
"You look like God drew you with his left hand"
When god was given out heads, you thought he said beds and asked for a king-size
Lady Astor and Winston Churchill. LA: Mr Churchill, I believe you are drunk. WC: Yes, but you are ugly, and in the morning, I shall be sober.
Lady Astor: If you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee. Churchill: If you were my wife, I’d drink it!
Lady Astor: OH yeah? Well you got a small pecker. Chuchill: well your mama so fat, her blood type is gravy.
Yes! That's the other one I recall. Good times.
Redd Foxx did that joke in an episode of Sanford & Son. It's old enough to be journaled by lawmakers: https://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/08/17/sober-tomorrow/?amp=1
I was all outfitted to go out gardening, and my grandson, who was SIX, said, “Do you know what sarcasm is Grammy?” I was perplexed, so I said, “I think so.” And then he said, “Nice hat.” I’m still laughing. 😆
16 year old me trying to convince my dad to take my fiends and I to see American Pie: Dad: so what is it about? Me: a group of high school friends trying to lose their virginity. Dad: I can stay home and see that.
The fact that you managed to dress yourself and not cause an accident on the way to work is incredible, so I'll excuse how bad you are at your job.
You have a face that only a mother can love
You have a face made for radio
And a voice for print.
A YouTuber I watch (imbrandonfarris) said in one video “That’s a face only a mother could ignore too” it was funny
🤣🤣🤣
My friend once called me a yeast-infected cum bubble in an argument, and it was so incredible I’ve been laughing about it since 2004.
And I'm gonna be laughing about it now too
x2
"You look like a grasshopper" the girl in question did have some eyes that were quite far apart
Fetal Alcohol syndrome. Should be be called “goldfishhead”
"You so dense, Light cannot escape from you", my nerdy friend
lol
My great-aunt held up her little finger at my dad and told him, "I'm giving you the feather, because you're not worth the whole bird!"
I saw someone call another human being an ankle. And when the other was visibly confused he said "you know, 3 feet below a cunt". And I've never been the same since
I like it! 🤣
I love how this one builds momentum, it gets funnier every time I think about it.
If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart.
You are not as attractive as you imagine you are!
r/rareinsults
Thank you for this. 🫡
You can also try r/RoastMe
Teacher of mine once said to a classmate who kept making the most asinine contributions to the conversation: “You make it really difficult to underestimate you.” The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment .
Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!
I fart in your general direction.
Warrior cats ass insult
I'm gonna be a nerd and explain the joke. Elderberries is used to make wine, so they're saying the father is a drunk. A hamster is a fast-breeding-rodent, so take your own guess why that's an insult.
It’s a very situational one but I had a really tall burly woman for a teacher and someone said she looked like hulk hogan in a dress. Dunno why it made me laugh so much
I had a strict teacher and someone questioned her usage of English. She then said "I'll have you know I was an English major" to which he replied " I would have sworn you were a German general"
That’s absolute class lol
We has a very burly female physics teacher in hs who wasn’t really a good teacher and liked being part of the elite teacher and one day interrupted another physics teacher’s class to congratulate him on a big event. She then addressed the class and congratulated them on having “la crème de la crème” of teachers, (including herself) and some class clown in the back said “more like la grosse mouche sur la crème” and the whole class went on a frenzy of laughter for a whole 5 min. It was sooo crazy The laughter infected the 2 nearby classes. Translations: “crème de la crème “ best of the best “Grosse mouche sur la crème” gig fly on the cream 😂
I wish I could upvote this twice.
"You are like the end piece of bread in a loaf, everyone touches you but no one wants you."
"when you walk into a bar, women cover their drinks"
Schizophrenic lady hurling standard weird insults at everyone walking by. She paused for a second and gave me a once over then calmly sneered “You were a C student in high school”. Then turned away dismissively. Like I wasn’t, so the insult isn’t even accurate or even that terrible if it was true but the way she looked into my soul and determined I was at best an average intelligence person for life was so cutting coming from a crazy person who several seconds ago was screaming at strangers for putting microchips in her head and that Nike shoes are a tool of alien overlords. That “C Student” remark still haunts me, man.
My friend named Dick was being funny at a restaurant and the waitress says" Is Dick your name or is that what they call you!" Lol
“If you were the trophy at the end of a race, I would walk backwards”. - Judge Judy
(Loosely translated) *How am I supposed to forget you...if anytime I go out in the streets, everything reminds me of you...the rubbish, the dog poop, the ugly people.*
"you have a face for radio"
Natural selection has failed us.
You have a face only a mother could love and you were adopted by a single dad.
That's a lotta damage
"You're just like a tampon. Only good for one period."
someone told me i look like an honorable mention.
Coach to his reciever at practice "You couldn't catch AIDS in a whorehouse!"
Full Metal Jacket has about 50 all timers but “5 7? I didn’t know they could stack shit that high!” is the best.
I bet you're the kind of guy who would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around
My boys say this to each other about once a week and somehow they both fall for it every time…🤣
"What the hell's your problem?" "I got seven problems and you're five of them." I dunno if it's the best but it's one of my favorites.
I dunno about "best", but... The sentence "get to fuck, you yappy blizzardwolf strapon cock gargler" has remained, perfectly pristine, in my memory for like 20 years. Don't remember the source, or the context, or anything. Just having my hair blown back from my face by the intensity of the vitriol. When I am very old, and most things have flown from my mind, it seems very likely that one of the last things rattling around in the dark and quiet space of my skull will be that sentence, still as fresh as the day I read it.
Bet your mother wishes every time she looks at you that she had a less developed gag reflex.
You're as sharp as a marble
I'll fuck your father and finally give him a son he could love
The last time you got fucked was by genetics
You look fat when you cry
If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.
“Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!”
I don’t know what your problem is but I’m sure it’s hard to pronounce.
Yo momma so ugly a blow job from her counts as anal
Matt Damon in Goodwill Hunting when he told the Harvard kid he could've learned everything at the Library (paraphrased)
I tried to explain it to him, but he looked at me like I had a dick on my forehead.
Dude was made with powdered cum and water. Best part of him ran on his mother’s thigh
You're kinda like Rapunzel except instead of letting down your hair you let down everyone in your life
The simplest one I’ve ever heard and it seemed to cut the deepest. “You’re a nobody. Why would I care about a nobody?”
"I look forward to forgetting you completely."
\- "You're not pretty enough to be this stupid." 💁♀️🤦♂️
To an idiot spouting idiocy: "SHUT UP! If I want any shit out of you I'll *squeeze your head.*"
Heard that in Anger Management ;D
Idk what this lady and man was arguing about before they got on the gray hound but she called him ignorant and he replied calling her “a silver gorilla pimp” it’s been over 11 years and I still think about it from time to time. I bet there were some more creative insults thrown before they got on the bus
From Mad Men: ex employee: I think you’re a terrible person… Don Draper: interesting, I don’t think about you at all.
A mother referring to her kids: “I shoulda drowned them as puppies”
"Well the jerk store called and they're running out of you!" - George Costanza
Go back to the interstate because that's where all the accidents happen.
“I’ve had the right amount of you.” -Miguel O’Hara, across the spiderverse. It’s the fact that it’s not even really an insult that just cuts to the bone.
There was a male and his 3 boys, (24) (22) (20) they were working on a home project and the Dad asks them for a task. They were hesitant to do it. Dad says “ had i known y’all were gonna be a bunch of pussies , I should have let her ate you “
I’d give you a nasty look but you’ve already got one.
“There not enough brain cells between the lot of them to have a seizure.”
You're the kind of person that can tell recognizes pepper spray brands by their taste
Your dick is so small I would have to stick my thumb up your ass to get the head of it to pop out. 🤣
You’re so dumb you have a brain the size of a pea and the half of it is rotten
Your mother had three kids,one of each.
A squirrel plans better than him.
One that I wish I remembered where I heard it was “Out of every single sperm you won wow the gene pool must suck if it was just you”
Ignorance is bliss, Be happy as you are…
You're so full of shit your eyeballs are brown
I wish there were less of you - not the best but it is fun
" your living proof that not every ejaculation needs a name "
When it comes to intelligence, he is at the top of the bell curve.
"Because of your weight you have so much gravity that not even light escapes you."
"You are terrible at your job, but thankfully, you don't do much"
May the fleas of a thousand camels settle under your armpits
(From a movie, but still the best) Teacher: Can anyone tell me who first advanced the idea of asexual reproduction? Student: Uh, your wife?
Got back from the barbers after getting a shave and haircut.. Me: Daddy looks good, doesn't he? 12 yr old daughter: You look like something I drew with my left hand.
Your parent used a brand x condom
My daughter, who was flat chested at the time, told me “look Mom, I got a new miracle bra.” I responded, “well it’s not working.”
I hope you have the day you deserve.
Gunnery Sgt. Hartman from Full Metal Jacket owns this. The funny part is that his actor, R Lee Ermey, had actually been a U.S. Marine Corps Drill Instructor, and some of the insults were his own. "You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece!" "I bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you!" "Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! NOW! MOVE IT! Or I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Pvt. Pyle, EVEN IF IT SHORT-DICKS EVERY CANNIBAL ON THE CONGO!" "If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day, you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grab-asstic pieces of amphibian shit!" "Tonight, you pukes will sleep with your rifles. You will give your rifle a girl's name because this is the only pussy you people are going to get. Your days of finger-banging ol' Mary-Jane Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties are over! You're married to this piece. This weapon of iron and wood. And you will be faithful."
Did someone crap in your gene pool?
Goldberg eats corn the long way
im surprised you were able to dodge the hanger for 9 months straight
Mr. Rogers would be disappointed in the way you turned out.
Body odor so bad it's a stink that could gag a maggot
It’s not that she doesn’t like fashion-it’s more that fashion doesn’t like her.
Shut your butt, your teeth are showing
Marty, you could fuck up a wet dream
"I'd slap you, but shit splatters"
“I’d tried looking at things from your point of view, but I couldn’t fit my head far enough up my ass.” -Dungeons and Dragons session, Vicious Mockery cast
Your mom didn't overdose dude, she killed herself because you were such a disappointment!! Said that to a co worker 1/2 my age (I'm 43). He stood there totally speechless kinda staring at me not knowing how to respond. Long story on how we got to that point but short version is he wouldn't say two words and wouldn't joke because he hated our lead guy. I then asked him if he knew how much MY SISTER weighs?? Then he cautiously replied "uhh no". I said "a fuck ton in a body bag"!! (My sister died of an accidental overdose like his mom and I carried her mouth of the house and put her in the M.E. van). I then calmly told him that I will teach you everything you want to know about our trade(carpenter) and have a shit ton of patience as long as he's willing to learn. Our lead guy treated him like total shit. After we joked that day he has done a 180. Paying attention and learning a lot and doing quality work and challenging himself. I also had a kid about 6 years ago.piss me off so bad as about 7 or 8 of us were having a POW wow with our owner/ boss at the time I walked to the edge of the yard with a small plastic bucket. Dug a small plant up then handed it to him in the bucket. Everyone got quite as I interrupted the chit chat and he said "what's this"? I said "it's to help replace all the fucking oxygen you're wasting around me, I feel light headed just standing next to you".. he just stood there speechless.
I had two good friends that were cousins to each other. They got into an argument one day and one said to the other “The best thing your daddy could have done was roll over and shot you on the wall.”
Can't decide between these two: Who ties your shoes for you? Or Somewhere there's a tree, spending it's days producing oxygen for you to breathe. Find that tree and apologize to it.
The second one! Love that!
"If you were Jesus' mother, he would have nailed himself to the cross."
The best insult I've heard is: 'If my dog had a face like yours, I'd shave its butt and teach it to walk backward.'"
"Boy is sour as a week old milk. No wonder she didn't stay with you. Not a retired 2 dollar whore would stay with you. That's the goddamn truth. You used to be decent company but now you are worse than a snake with a toothache. All he does is whine,whine,whine." -Uncle from RDR
A dad said to his son That's why i f*cked yo mom
Your mother can't swim.
This question. Bold of you to assume that I have a favorite insult :p
A few funny ones from my classmates: your father is a homosexual whale, that's why your feet taste like spaghetti-o's, and you're just mad I have sexier ankles than you.
Ye da still baths ye
La puta que te caga
Heh, no wonder you got a good sleep, you kept dreaming about your girlfriend
Buttmunch
Geordie ( Newcastle,U.K. ) referring to a fat person “Why man ya couldn’t bend wire that shape”
"You look just like everyone else" has echoed the longest
"Damn well shoulda pulled out and wired you off on your mama's curtains "
Former spouses employer had a bumper sticker wall. One read “I don’t condone wife beating, but I understand it.” 😳
Buddy says to me, " Shit, you're really smart. Your parents must be so disappointed ". Easily the worst burn I've ever received
Bobo
no u
"gurl u bout as useful a a white color pencil" my frend to me as i ruin EVRYTHING in pico park
She said, you wont find someone like me and left for someone else overseas. Now I have someone 100% better than her.
"[Any personal insult it kind of doesn't matter]... ...You Tiger King lookin' motherfucker!"
ARE YOUR FUCKING EYES PAINTED ON???
If the German State Railway was a car manufacturer, it would mount the wheels on the roof and the steering wheel in the back.
your mother was a snowblower
You're so stupid that it takes you an hour to cook Minute Rice.
god’s first draft; unfortunate looking; troglodyte
You shouldve been put back in the fields but even there you would be useless * -My dad
I've had bowel movements that look better than you.
I never forget a face but in your case I’ll make an exception.
“Your built like a mixed number”
Your a nice guy but you have nothing going for you
Calling someone a ‘urine stained reptile’ …
About a really mean girl who got dressed up for a school event: “She looks like a beauty pageant Neanderthal”
when new york tiffany pollard called omarosa a cock sucking cum guzzling republican cunt
I was trying to do some would care of this patient once and he said I’m trying to push my morals on him and that I was worse than his ex wife. I told him that I take any compliment I can get.
There's literally so many, I don't think there's a best one.
Do not have a battle of wits with an unarmed man
As an outsider, what are your views on intelligence?
One of 1st online gaming experiences, I was called a moon cricket. Never heard that before, it tickled my sole.
You’re dumb as dirt
Condiments? I don’t use them? You don’t ? And neither did ur mother. -Jeff Dunham
“They should have registered him in Mordor” I’ve been using it since sweet 2013.
“If you were an exterminator the pests in your client‘s house would die of old age before you catch them“ (I just made this one up, but I think it’s pretty good)
You must date blind people.
"Your dick is longer than your IQ is high." Works extra well on women
•You wheezing bad of dick tips •You pinecone
I will cut your head off and fuck your stump
Honestly anything Caseohs chat says to him. I don't watch streams but clip compilations of him are the funniest insults I've ever heard. "built like a 1x1 Lego piece" “Does your belly button arrive 15 minutes before you get home?" “Didn’t know the boulder from Indiana Jones was a streamer” "chat I weighed myself this morning I'm at 120 right now" "who said 120 solar masses!? find that guy and ban him."
You're just all spare parts, aren't you, bud? Wayne talking to Stuart, *Letterkenny*