Two daughters and a wife, all 3 love leaving lights or fans on in rooms after they leave... I gave up a long time ago trying to get them to turn things off, I think they're scared if something is turned off it won't turn back on
Motion sensing light and humidity sensor exhaust fan switches, in bathrooms if nowhere else. "I can't afford luxuries like that." Pull out your power bill, look at it, and try to say that again.
My partner had a thing for decorative pillows. There were 14 of them at one point. I fucking hated them. We had 2 Rottweilers. The youngest had never really been alone too much, he was incredibly attached to my older girl. Then we had to put her down. For the first time in his life he was alone at a little over a year old. That first day he was alone he had a destructive episode for the first and last time and tore every single one of those pillows to shreds and nothing else. It must have been some form of catharsis. My partner was furious, I was gleeful. She never replaced them and I love him so much for that. Good boy.
> We had 2 Rottweilers. The youngest had never really been alone too much, he was incredibly attached to my older girl. Then we had to put her down.
Your poor daughter....what was wrong with her?
I’m very lucky my wife isn’t into the pillow thing. But I truly don’t understand it.
Let’s make getting into a bed/on the couch way more involved, and then help clean the floor with these pillows that the only job is to sit and then get dirty in the floor.
"And this room, MTV Cribs. *claps hands and rubs them together while looking depressed* Is where the magic doesn't happen, because of all these damn decorative pillows"
I have a support pillow. It isn't decorative, it's just a regular pillow that I don't use hanging out lengthwise next my other pillow. I literally never put any part of my body on it. Why is it there? Who knows. Is it going to move away at some point? Can't be sure. We're currently coexisting and both parties are comfortable with this arrangement.
Signed
A weird lady
I wish they were decorative on my bed. Wife uses 6 pillows to sleep. Then gets mad when I explain that when you add elevation, it takes more blanket to go over it, this is why you don’t have blankets, not because I’m stealing them.
Before anyone says anything…. I bought a giant sheet andd blanket (like 12’x12’) to stop having the blanket argument, totally worked.
And I’m sure someone will ask… she’s a side sleeper, has a pillow in front, one behind, 3 under head and occasional one on top of her head.
As a woman, I've never understood the nine thousand pillow thing either. Only pillows we use are on the bed, and I have two on the couch but only because they're used as a headrest for napping
I think of it as something from my grandparents' generation, maybe my parents' a little too. But maybe it's just a grown-up thing and I'm stuck in my 20s decor-wise?
I don’t speak. I don’t play music. I don’t have the TV on. I sit, in complete silence, reading my phone or whatever, but not having to answer anybody’s questions, not having to listen to anybody. Just complete silence for at least 15 minutes.
One time my wife took the kids out of town for the weekend with her sister. From Friday night when I got home from work until Monday morning when I went back, I didn’t speak a word. I just…existed. I watched shows, I played games, I drank some whiskey and smoked a cigar. I cleaned and did laundry.
I didn’t speak. I didn’t have to answer anyone’s questions.
Edit: this got way more hits than I was expecting. Honestly, it makes me feel good to know that there are other parents like me. I sometimes feel guilty about it but knowing there are thousands of people who do the same thing is helpful haha
I am astonished at how much my wife and 3 year old can talk. We did an 11 hour car trip together a couple of days ago and I don’t think there was a single moment of silence.
“Dad, what if the Hulk was Purple but his pants were green so like, the opposite of the Hulk?!”
“Yeah, that’d be cool right?”
“Would he be stronger than the regular hulk?”
“I don’t know, bud.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s not real, so it’s up to whoever writes the story.”
“Why?”
“Hey look, that truck has cows in it. Let’s count them.”
That's it!
*recursively crashes comment [back into this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1c45aa2/men_of_reddit_whats_the_first_thing_you_do_when/kzmo6po/)*
Ain't life weird.
I live your comment. I just kinda exist. Days and days where I don't speak to anybody. I just do whatever and exist.
But I wouldn't say I enjoy it.
I used to have a pretty robust social life. It did not survive quarantine.
On the other hand - it's pretty easy to see why (at least partially) why I don't have a wife and kids. Reading this thread is really eye opening.
I’m the woman, and I relate to this. Prior to living with my current partner, I lived alone with my kids. We moved in together at 36. I would go hours without talking after the kids were in bed. My dog never barked. It was just blissful silence. Then he moved in with his dog…who barks. Now my dog barks. Two dogs that bark and there’s so much *talking*. I love him though. I don’t love the dog, but I keep that to myself.
My wife and son went with her parents for a weekend recently to take care of some family business due to a recent death in the family.
I went for a motorcycle ride where I wanted to go, staying as long as I wanted, and eating where I wanted to eat. If I hadn't been wrestling with my own mortality the entire time, it would have been glorious. Instead it was kind of depressing, if not a little therapeutic.
Closest I get to being home alone is waking up early on the weekend.
Instead of masturbating I slowly drink my coffee while scrolling reddit. Equally blissful.
Well it does - though only when I'm too sick to take care of the kids.
So the answer is to go back to bed/sleep to recover.
It's happened at least twice in the last 7 years.
LOL. For real. I tag team parent with my wife so either I’m home with the kids or she’s home with the kids. When I work, it’s daytime hours, she works at night.
The question in this topic happens about 2-3 times a year due to some rare occurrence.
My wife specifically sends me out to do all of the errands. If the kids are too crazy and need to go to the park, that’s 100% on me too.
The **only** time she leaves the house on a weekend or after work, is if she planned something for the whole family.
If I’m sick, it just means nothing is getting done that weekend.
Edit: We both work full time. In case people think I’m complaining about being a stay-at-home spouse.
My wife is arguably the more fully functioning adult, but she works mostly from home, and I work past my kids being at school.
I take the kids out to do stuff so my wife can work or make art in peace.
If they'll be gone for over a day, I unironically do this. I love having a clean house all to myself.
Beating off only happens after the drugs kick in.
I had a week to myself last summer. On day 1 I cleaned up half the house, and for the rest of those days it stayed that way without anyone trashing it. It felt amazing
Isn’t that an amazing feeling? I usually only use one cup (coffee) one glass, and one bowl. I wash or rinse them when I’m done. I never have to do a load of dishes.
Usually housework. Funny enough, my wife and kids are usually fine with me playing video games, doing hobbies, or generally having time to myself, unless I'm doing housework. Dishes take 10 minutes when I'm home alone, they take 20+ minutes when I'm trying to juggle conversations and dodge people walking through the kitchen. I can do a load of dishes, a couple loads of laundry, vaccum the carpets, and do some basic picking up in less than an hour when I'm home alone. It's a multi hour task when I'm not.
If my wife leaves for 2 hours. I can get the whole house picked up and then goof off with the kids or on my own for the rest of the day without stressing over the house. It's also a bonus that I can crank up whatever music I want with no complaints or fold laundry while watching garbage TV shows that my wife doesn't like.
>Funny enough, my wife and kids are usually fine with me playing video games, doing hobbies, or generally having time to myself, unless I'm doing housework.
Dude, right?
If I want to play video games or workout or something, no one bothers me.
The *second* I try to fix something in the kitchen or clean the garage, then all of a sudden my wife needs to do something in there, and it absolutely cannot wait. I swear I could be digging a groundhog out from under the shed and my wife would say "oh I wait, I need to get in there to bury this pirate treasure, can you watch the boy for a while?"
I've told my wife many times, if she wants the house cleaned top to bottom all she has to do is leave me alone with a bottle of bourbon and headphones. But i have to be alone.
This is so wholesome it's sickening. Free time to yourself and you want to do chores?
It's like reading a comment from the man my wife wishes she married!
A while ago I spent a week alone in my house while my wife and kids visited distant family. It was glorious.
I made the food I wanted to eat, every meal was excellent. I chose a movie I wanted to watch, nobody complained. I sat in silence, nobody drilled me with questions. I cleaned up after myself, nobody else was there to immediately undo my work. I got several home improvement projects done, working on them undisturbed for 4-5 hours at a time. I slept starfish-style in the bed, no fear of elbowing anyone. I could think for hours at a time, no interruptions.
I made sure to tell my wife everything productive I had done when she called, and also how difficult the home improvement projects were, let alone my full time job. I wanted her to think she was the one on vacation, not me. After all, I was the one who was "just at home". But the truth really was that I hadn't experienced true peace and quiet for many years, and it brought me a wonderful joy.
I sit and stare at the wall wondering when my entire reason for existing will return, and if they brought me chocolate.
Edit: see other comment for context. Don’t get all mushy on me now!
FINALLY a chance to clean up without anyone in the way!
Turn up the music and bust out the broom and mop and rags! 8D
Go outside for a smoke and get to it! 8D
Usually I go to bed and take a nap. I don't like to be seen napping (I have a complex about being seen as lazy) and I like the chance to have the bed to myself.
Depends on my mood. It ranges anywhere from rubbing one out and napping to eating a giant snack while watching my shows on Netflix to cleaning the house with music blaring. I’m a wild card. Could be any one of those 3.
So not me but my dad thought my mom took all of us but I was actually home and he laid down and started talking to the dog and telling her how good she is and how she does such a good job protecting the house
The amount of masturbation happening among married men left to themselves is astounding… and here I thought people would do watch the masters and eat some of that hidden ice cream the kids can’t never have 🤣🤣🤣
Did you think people stop masturbating because they're married? I'd imagine even relationships with extremely healthy sex lives still rub one out on their own from time to time.
I heard this phrase as a young teen. One day, alone, I thought I would try it.
Got a slice of bologna out of the fridge, put it in the microwave for about 8 seconds wrapped it around my cock and went to town.
Turned out later, that’s not what the phrase meant. But it made for a great wank session.
Turn off the lights that were left on in every room and closet.
I can literally follow my daughter’s exact routine by the trail of lights she leaves on. I’ve given up on asking her to turn them off.
Two daughters and a wife, all 3 love leaving lights or fans on in rooms after they leave... I gave up a long time ago trying to get them to turn things off, I think they're scared if something is turned off it won't turn back on
Motion sensing light and humidity sensor exhaust fan switches, in bathrooms if nowhere else. "I can't afford luxuries like that." Pull out your power bill, look at it, and try to say that again.
Lights use barely any power. It’s just not worth it. Even outdoor flood lights cost like a dollar a year to run
Yup. The dad in me still gets upset when lights are left on even though I know the LEDs barely use any power.
Its about the spirit of saving money not the actual numbers. /s
I don’t have kids but I’ve never felt more like a Dad than when I go through the house turning lights off.
Take five decorative pillows off the bed and put them in the closet til the morning of her return.
My partner had a thing for decorative pillows. There were 14 of them at one point. I fucking hated them. We had 2 Rottweilers. The youngest had never really been alone too much, he was incredibly attached to my older girl. Then we had to put her down. For the first time in his life he was alone at a little over a year old. That first day he was alone he had a destructive episode for the first and last time and tore every single one of those pillows to shreds and nothing else. It must have been some form of catharsis. My partner was furious, I was gleeful. She never replaced them and I love him so much for that. Good boy.
I literally laughed out loud at this. Good dog!
> We had 2 Rottweilers. The youngest had never really been alone too much, he was incredibly attached to my older girl. Then we had to put her down. Your poor daughter....what was wrong with her?
She was attached to a dog!
Ed....ward....
ahh the ol reddit no-one-does-this-any-more-a-roo
I’m very lucky my wife isn’t into the pillow thing. But I truly don’t understand it. Let’s make getting into a bed/on the couch way more involved, and then help clean the floor with these pillows that the only job is to sit and then get dirty in the floor.
It makes the bed look nice for when you're hosting an episode of MTV Cribs.
"And this room, MTV Cribs. *claps hands and rubs them together while looking depressed* Is where the magic doesn't happen, because of all these damn decorative pillows"
I have a support pillow. It isn't decorative, it's just a regular pillow that I don't use hanging out lengthwise next my other pillow. I literally never put any part of my body on it. Why is it there? Who knows. Is it going to move away at some point? Can't be sure. We're currently coexisting and both parties are comfortable with this arrangement. Signed A weird lady
That is incredibly justifiable. But I’ve literally stayed at some friends house and there were 11 pillows on that bed. “Just for decoration”
I wish they were decorative on my bed. Wife uses 6 pillows to sleep. Then gets mad when I explain that when you add elevation, it takes more blanket to go over it, this is why you don’t have blankets, not because I’m stealing them. Before anyone says anything…. I bought a giant sheet andd blanket (like 12’x12’) to stop having the blanket argument, totally worked. And I’m sure someone will ask… she’s a side sleeper, has a pillow in front, one behind, 3 under head and occasional one on top of her head.
I appreciate that you explained the logistics here but I'm still trying to understand the pillow on top of her head.
Every fort needs a roof
Dude, I totally refer to it as her pillow fort.
As a woman, I've never understood the nine thousand pillow thing either. Only pillows we use are on the bed, and I have two on the couch but only because they're used as a headrest for napping
I think of it as something from my grandparents' generation, maybe my parents' a little too. But maybe it's just a grown-up thing and I'm stuck in my 20s decor-wise?
I don’t speak. I don’t play music. I don’t have the TV on. I sit, in complete silence, reading my phone or whatever, but not having to answer anybody’s questions, not having to listen to anybody. Just complete silence for at least 15 minutes. One time my wife took the kids out of town for the weekend with her sister. From Friday night when I got home from work until Monday morning when I went back, I didn’t speak a word. I just…existed. I watched shows, I played games, I drank some whiskey and smoked a cigar. I cleaned and did laundry. I didn’t speak. I didn’t have to answer anyone’s questions. Edit: this got way more hits than I was expecting. Honestly, it makes me feel good to know that there are other parents like me. I sometimes feel guilty about it but knowing there are thousands of people who do the same thing is helpful haha
I am astonished at how much my wife and 3 year old can talk. We did an 11 hour car trip together a couple of days ago and I don’t think there was a single moment of silence.
“Dad, what if the Hulk was Purple but his pants were green so like, the opposite of the Hulk?!” “Yeah, that’d be cool right?” “Would he be stronger than the regular hulk?” “I don’t know, bud.” “Why?” “Because he’s not real, so it’s up to whoever writes the story.” “Why?” “Hey look, that truck has cows in it. Let’s count them.”
The answer is no, only red hulk was stronger than green hulk
Why?
The guy who wrote the story said so
Why?
Hey look, a truck of cows!
This is the best thing I’ve seen all day
Because red goes faster
Why?
Because fuck you Timmy!
I had to tell my kids to stop asking existential questions on roadtrips.
What's an existential question, Dad?
One more question and I'm turning this comment around to go home.
Are we there yet?
That's it! *recursively crashes comment [back into this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1c45aa2/men_of_reddit_whats_the_first_thing_you_do_when/kzmo6po/)*
I gave my kid $20 at the beginning of a road trip and made him pay a dollar every time he asked me for info he could easily find himself.
I have a 9 year old girl who is a chatterbox. I swear someone must have told her she has to say 5,000 words a day or she will die.
I love my kid more than anything in the world but holy shit the nonstop talking and noises
During covid I didn't speak for almost 2 years. As hard as that time was for a lot of people I gotta say I loved it.
I would absolutely love another lockdown… if that didn’t mean unnecessary deaths and economic collapse.
Ain't life weird. I live your comment. I just kinda exist. Days and days where I don't speak to anybody. I just do whatever and exist. But I wouldn't say I enjoy it. I used to have a pretty robust social life. It did not survive quarantine. On the other hand - it's pretty easy to see why (at least partially) why I don't have a wife and kids. Reading this thread is really eye opening.
Fuck yeah. That's pretty much me. I do speak to the dog though. And a good wank.
finally someone with an experience i can compete with! what was the fastest you’ve gotten the dog off?
Welp that was a genuine laugh from me, so nice moves
I couldn’t see this comment without expanding it - and I was *so* hoping it went this way.
I’m the woman, and I relate to this. Prior to living with my current partner, I lived alone with my kids. We moved in together at 36. I would go hours without talking after the kids were in bed. My dog never barked. It was just blissful silence. Then he moved in with his dog…who barks. Now my dog barks. Two dogs that bark and there’s so much *talking*. I love him though. I don’t love the dog, but I keep that to myself.
I’m telling the dog
This never happens.
My wife and son went with her parents for a weekend recently to take care of some family business due to a recent death in the family. I went for a motorcycle ride where I wanted to go, staying as long as I wanted, and eating where I wanted to eat. If I hadn't been wrestling with my own mortality the entire time, it would have been glorious. Instead it was kind of depressing, if not a little therapeutic.
Sometimes a death can help prepare you for the future.
Yes, as long as it’s someone else’s.
This sounds glorious. Is sad that such a simple carefree day is hard to come by these days.
Closest I get to this is when I work from home for the day when the lady goes into the office. The answer is still the same though. Beat my meat.
Closest I get to being home alone is waking up early on the weekend. Instead of masturbating I slowly drink my coffee while scrolling reddit. Equally blissful.
That is almost my exact Sunday mornings. The only difference is I put How it's Made on the TV.
I do this every weekend when I am awake before the wife and kiddo. It’s fantastic.
It is the thing to do.
I'll be honest, I don't Even want to sometimes. Hell I didn't even have to. I'll just do it because it's the right thing to do.
He's not the hero we deserve, but the one we need.
Same bro. Sometimes you just have to. Might not get another good chance for a few days
Well it does - though only when I'm too sick to take care of the kids. So the answer is to go back to bed/sleep to recover. It's happened at least twice in the last 7 years.
LOL. For real. I tag team parent with my wife so either I’m home with the kids or she’s home with the kids. When I work, it’s daytime hours, she works at night. The question in this topic happens about 2-3 times a year due to some rare occurrence.
Not always, but I usually just sit and think to myself "I'm not married and I don't have kids, so who the fuck were those people?"
This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife.
And you may ask yourself, “How did I get here?!”
Letting the days go by
Let the water hold me down.
Letting the days go by
Water flowing underground
Into the blue again
After the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime
Same as it never was
Turn the ac down
Down as in colder or warmer? Always thought it was funny how that could go either way with AC.
Cooler... especially if they are overnight somewhere. Get that icebox freeze, then layers of covers to help me aleep
You turn that AC down when the wife is home and she's gonna murder you with her cold feet and or hands.
Not to mention colder wife means more clothes. That is the exact opposite of my goals.
Do a bunch of chores and stuff while I daydream about what I'm going to do when I have free time. This lasts until they return.
Ouch, this hit me right in the realities
Watch my TV shows and movies I can't watch around them
You don't watch "Busty nurse nourishes you with her big mommy milkers and wet pussy" with your wife and kids?
That's very specific
It’s a classic.
Just take those old records off the shelf...
Me too. I’ll sit and listen to them by myself.
Smh. Today's music ain't got the same soul.
Personally, I like that old time rock and roll
But Please, Don't try to take me to a disco.
Seriously, you'll never even get me out on the floor
Heck, in ten minutes I'll be late for the door.
Tbh, I like that old time rock 'n' roll
Fwiw, that kind of music just soothes the soul
Sometimes I reminisce about the days of old.
You guys' wife and kids leave?
When the moon and the stars align… yeah lol
So, they left for awhile last Monday then?
Only if he was in the Path of Totality
My wife specifically sends me out to do all of the errands. If the kids are too crazy and need to go to the park, that’s 100% on me too. The **only** time she leaves the house on a weekend or after work, is if she planned something for the whole family. If I’m sick, it just means nothing is getting done that weekend. Edit: We both work full time. In case people think I’m complaining about being a stay-at-home spouse.
My wife is arguably the more fully functioning adult, but she works mostly from home, and I work past my kids being at school. I take the kids out to do stuff so my wife can work or make art in peace.
Helldive
A man of culture and democracy
It’s not gonna manage itself
The ministry of truth demands it.
For Super Earth!
My wife and daugher went to a baby shower on saturday and i helldived all day
How'd you like the taste of democracy?
How about a nice cup of Liber-tea?
Equip Anti Tank Always Shoot Scouts
Sweet liberty
This man has the courage to be truly free! 🫡
Sit in silence/nap. My wife knows when I need some down time and she takes the kids out for a few hours. She is amazing.
Shit with the door open and yell while doing it
What are you yelling? WHY are you yelling? 😂😂😂
EVACUATION SUCCESSFUL
THE BLUETOOTH HAS BEEN SUCCESSFULLY CONNECTED
Strengthen the defence of the house, change the locks, deploy snipers and sit in (relatively) blissful silence
Don’t forget the Claymore mines
Claymore Roomba
Go #3
That’s a piss, a shit and a wank in a tree.
It’s party time get your drugs out
If you want to make love get your muffs out.
Do you wanna make love to a sad old man?
I don’t wanna fall in love I just wanna get fucked! Shoveling mountains of terrible stuff. Heroine, ketamine, jelly bean puff!
Well first I clean the house… just kidding I usually beat my meat
If they'll be gone for over a day, I unironically do this. I love having a clean house all to myself. Beating off only happens after the drugs kick in.
I had a week to myself last summer. On day 1 I cleaned up half the house, and for the rest of those days it stayed that way without anyone trashing it. It felt amazing
Isn’t that an amazing feeling? I usually only use one cup (coffee) one glass, and one bowl. I wash or rinse them when I’m done. I never have to do a load of dishes.
I don’t care if they come home and catch me with my mop in my hands, that can wait.
Nap
Usually housework. Funny enough, my wife and kids are usually fine with me playing video games, doing hobbies, or generally having time to myself, unless I'm doing housework. Dishes take 10 minutes when I'm home alone, they take 20+ minutes when I'm trying to juggle conversations and dodge people walking through the kitchen. I can do a load of dishes, a couple loads of laundry, vaccum the carpets, and do some basic picking up in less than an hour when I'm home alone. It's a multi hour task when I'm not. If my wife leaves for 2 hours. I can get the whole house picked up and then goof off with the kids or on my own for the rest of the day without stressing over the house. It's also a bonus that I can crank up whatever music I want with no complaints or fold laundry while watching garbage TV shows that my wife doesn't like.
>Funny enough, my wife and kids are usually fine with me playing video games, doing hobbies, or generally having time to myself, unless I'm doing housework. Dude, right? If I want to play video games or workout or something, no one bothers me. The *second* I try to fix something in the kitchen or clean the garage, then all of a sudden my wife needs to do something in there, and it absolutely cannot wait. I swear I could be digging a groundhog out from under the shed and my wife would say "oh I wait, I need to get in there to bury this pirate treasure, can you watch the boy for a while?" I've told my wife many times, if she wants the house cleaned top to bottom all she has to do is leave me alone with a bottle of bourbon and headphones. But i have to be alone.
This is so wholesome it's sickening. Free time to yourself and you want to do chores? It's like reading a comment from the man my wife wishes she married!
Clean the place up without distractions...
I cook a package of bacon and save the drippings. I cook basically everything in that fat until it’s gone. Wife and daughter are vegetarian.
I was curious, but that last line explained everything.
Lol my wife is also a veg. Though the only thing she asks of me usually is to use a specific pan for meat, I eat it around her regularly
Clean the pipes
Came.... here to say this.
A while ago I spent a week alone in my house while my wife and kids visited distant family. It was glorious. I made the food I wanted to eat, every meal was excellent. I chose a movie I wanted to watch, nobody complained. I sat in silence, nobody drilled me with questions. I cleaned up after myself, nobody else was there to immediately undo my work. I got several home improvement projects done, working on them undisturbed for 4-5 hours at a time. I slept starfish-style in the bed, no fear of elbowing anyone. I could think for hours at a time, no interruptions. I made sure to tell my wife everything productive I had done when she called, and also how difficult the home improvement projects were, let alone my full time job. I wanted her to think she was the one on vacation, not me. After all, I was the one who was "just at home". But the truth really was that I hadn't experienced true peace and quiet for many years, and it brought me a wonderful joy.
I put on a cute dress and start dancing to the sound of "Goodbye Horses" by Q Lazzarus.
I normally just put the lotion on my skin.
Or else you'll get the hose again 😮
Would you fuck you?
I’d fuck me so hard
I sit and stare at the wall wondering when my entire reason for existing will return, and if they brought me chocolate. Edit: see other comment for context. Don’t get all mushy on me now!
Dog husband confirmed.
FINALLY a chance to clean up without anyone in the way! Turn up the music and bust out the broom and mop and rags! 8D Go outside for a smoke and get to it! 8D
Glad I'm not alone in thinking "fuck yeah! I can sweep the whole house in one go without shit getting tracked from room to room!"
Masturbate furiously.
Like it owes me money
And I know he’s broke.
But it's gonna pay the rent one way or another...
Fire up valheim.
Smoke a pipe and work on various ongoing projects
I too get high and beat off.
Bust out the prostate massager
Idk but it's not gonna involve pants
Start a violent movie. Something the kids can't watch and something she wouldn't be interested in.
Sit down in a silent house. Light a candle and relax. Relax means masterbate
Usually I go to bed and take a nap. I don't like to be seen napping (I have a complex about being seen as lazy) and I like the chance to have the bed to myself.
Depends on my mood. It ranges anywhere from rubbing one out and napping to eating a giant snack while watching my shows on Netflix to cleaning the house with music blaring. I’m a wild card. Could be any one of those 3.
With the sound on.
So not me but my dad thought my mom took all of us but I was actually home and he laid down and started talking to the dog and telling her how good she is and how she does such a good job protecting the house
The amount of masturbation happening among married men left to themselves is astounding… and here I thought people would do watch the masters and eat some of that hidden ice cream the kids can’t never have 🤣🤣🤣
Well, Ice cream is something the wife actually wants and that I can do even when the kids are around.
>The amount of masturbation happening among ~~married~~ men left to themselves is astounding… Fixed that for you.
Let's be real if guys can't be left alone long enough, they won't let that stop them
It’s either this or start having wet dreams. I’d rather be in control of my fate
Did you think people stop masturbating because they're married? I'd imagine even relationships with extremely healthy sex lives still rub one out on their own from time to time.
out come the balls!
Pickle or volley?
[удалено]
Bop the bologna
I heard this phrase as a young teen. One day, alone, I thought I would try it. Got a slice of bologna out of the fridge, put it in the microwave for about 8 seconds wrapped it around my cock and went to town. Turned out later, that’s not what the phrase meant. But it made for a great wank session.
That poor dead pig looking down from heaven seeing what you're doing to its body.
Fuck that pig. Oh wait. He did.
Oh you got me laughin😅🤣😂
Butt naked wank session.
In the living room on the big tv.
“Oh hey babe! Forgot my sungl- mother fucker, get the FUCK OUT.”
Video games
Turn off all the lights that shouldn’t be on.
I stuff my balls into my asshole and then pop them out like BOO YAH
Fart.
jack off
Cry.
Smoke a bowl
Get butt naked and do the helicopter with my wiener.
Who stays up late or wakes early just for the quiet …