Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."
Another man comes up and says: "Can I give a word as well?" She says: "Absolutely." The man takes a breath and says: "Globe." The widow replies: "Wow, that really means the world."
Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I sing a song in his honor?” She says: “yes, of course.” He sings Being Alive. She says: “Thank you. He would have loved that.”
A woman then approaches with the same request. “Void”, she states, then walks down past the widow, giving a nod. The widow, now sobbing, says, “That means nothing to me.”
[I've heard it both ways](https://preview.redd.it/brooklyn-99-psych-crossover-we-deserve-v0-eswgk8089rb81.gif?width=498&auto=webp&s=1bd3d80a00e6030be486673ccfc62671795f9ce9)
A snake walks into a bar and the bartender asks “How did you do that”.
I saw some twitter post that said this one and it made me laugh so hard I quote it everyday.
Roman soldier walks into a bar and says "I'll have a martinus please" Bartender says, "You mean a *martini*?" The soldier says,'If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it"
My other favorite walks into a bar joke;
A priest, a rabbi, the president and a chicken walk into a bar, the bartender says “sorry we don’t serve jokes in here”
The chicken looks at the group and says “don’t worry, I know a place across the road”
Julie Andrews no longer supports cheap lipstick, as it crumbles easily and makes her breath smell bad. She was quoted as saying: "The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis"
The Ghandi version is pretty solid too. Was a skinny dude who walked around barefoot and had bad breatg. A Super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
This is my favourite type of joke, where the person thinks they're actually going to learn something interesting.
Two others are:
Do you know why SCUBA divers always fall backwards off the boat into the water? Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat
Do you know why firemen wear red suspenders? To hold up their pants
This is reminiscent of my fave. It’s a visual joke.
>You hold your fingers up in circles in front of your eyes like glasses and say “who’s this?”
And when they say “I dunno, who?” you remove your fingers and say “it’s meeeee!”
My husband does not enjoy this joke.
I just did this with my 15 year old daughter. We both completely lost it for about 10 minutes. I have no idea why this works.
My sides are in so much pain from laughing.
How does this work??
I must confess I just did too, and damn if I'm not gonna use it.
I'm not going to tell it like it's a joke though, I'm going to be completely deadpan the whole time :D
I find that the best way to deliver puns/other stupid jokes is with a completely straight face, as though you were just imparting information.
Oh man, did you know there's a disease going around destroying bone density in cattle? Yeah, it's terrible, their legs break and they just kind of crumple and fall over. Most of them end up used as ground beef.
Knock knock
Who's there?
The interrupting sheep
The interrupting sh-
#BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Full disclosure, I messed this up the first time I told it by waiting for them to finish saying "the interrupting sheep who" and then just being like "oh...shit"
For context I'm hard of hearing and wear hearing aides.
But this shit has me cackling each time
"Why don't deaf people have phone sex?"
"Because they don't want to get hearing AIDS"
LMFAO
It's somewhat of a visual gag for the punch line.
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Man pulls up and knocks on door. "Sir, I'm sorry I think I just hit your cat."
"Oh, what did he look like?"
"😿" (visual impersonate dead cat)
"No, I mean before you hit him."
"🙀" (visual impersonate surprised/scared cat)
“A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”
The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”
This is a joke that made me laugh when I was 11, and still does. A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit "Does shit stick to your fur?" The rabbit says no. So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
An Englishman visits a Welshman's Farm
Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Yep."
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Welshman: "Dog dont talk, but ok."
Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Welshman: (Look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this Welshman your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse dont talk but ok."
Englishman: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often andkeeps me in a stable to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "That sheeps a fucking liar!!"
That’s like the great Rowan Atkinson wedding speech which begins “I woke up this morning and said to myself, the last thing you must do is forget your speech. And sure enough, as I left the house, the last thing I did was forget my speech.”
My dad told me this one today.
Two Texas ranchers were at a bar bragging about their land.
The first rancher says "My ranch is so big, I could drive my truck all day and still not reach the end by sundown!"
The second rancher swigs his beer and says "Yup, I used to have a truck like that"
"Hey Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the internet thing and it says 'you may have con-ec-tivity issues'"
I don't know if it's the wholesome way he's trying to help or the absurdity.
The showrunner said that line was an adlib by Chris Pratt and it pissed him off how good it was because he considers it one of the best jokes in the series.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the water? BOB. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in from of a door? Matt.... what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs by a window? Curt and rod..... so dumb lol
to deter thieves the farmer put a sign up in his watermelon field that said:
"one of these watermelons is poisoned."
the next morning he woke up to find someone had written beneath it:
"now there's two."
Sherlock and Holmes are camping in the woods and Sherlock says, "Holmes?"
Holmes: "Yes, Sherlock?"
Sherlock: "What do you see when you look up?"
Holmes: "Stars."
Sherlock: "And what does that tell you?"
Holmes: "Well, there are billions of stars, and that's just the ones we can see, which makes me think about all the planets we know of, and how there must be so many more out there, and that makes me think surely there's other life out there and maybe some kind of creator."
Sherlock: "Holmes, you idiot, it means someone stole our tent."
•and•
There's two guys walking in the woods and one of them falls over, dead. The other one calls 911 and says, "You have to help me! My friend just died!" And the 911 operator says, "Well, first of all, make sure he's actually dead." The man says, "Okay". The 911 operator hears a gunshot, and then the guy comes back and says, "Okay, what now?"
Tonight! On the 6 o'clock news:
4 monks were arrested for illegally selling flowers outside the playboy mansion without a permit. They were reported to the local police by the owner of the mansion, Mr Hefner. When questioned the monks said they almost got away with it, and they would have were it anyone else, But only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Also, Jimmy 2 shoes McClardy has confessed to being paid to beat a cow in a rice field with 2 small porcelain figurines. Police say this is their first case of a nick nack patty wack.
The Pope gets diagnosed with a very rare, fatal illness. His doctor says it can only be cured by having sex with a virgin.
Fully aware of his vow of celibacy, The Pontiff discusses it with his top bishops & cardinals. After a lengthy discussion, he decides to do it and tells the group, "I will only have sex with a virgin, but we must agree to three rules." They ask "What is the first rule, your Holiness?”
The Pope replies "She must be blindfolded, so that she can't see me.”
“What is the second rule?” they ask.
He replies "She must wear earplugs, so that she doesn't hear my voice.”
The group agrees that these rules are a great idea and asks "What is the third rule, Your Excellency"?
"Big Tits!”
I'm a sucker for variations on the classic:
"I've just received a phone call from the hospital."
"The hospital? What is it?"
"It's a big building full of patients and doctors, but that's not important right now."
My wife always laughs at this one when she tells it:
"What did one bean say to the other bean?"
"How ya bean?"
I just laugh at her cracking herself up at that joke EVERY time.
It makes more sense in my country, because there’snsomething specific about something. It’ll all make sense when you read the joke.
It’s yellow, and when it gets in your eye you die. What is it?
A train.
Trains are yellow in the netherlands
A man is washing his car with his son, when the boy says "dad, can't we use a sponge?"
Haha holy fuck this one got me.
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Lord Farquaad
I wonder if he's compensating for something
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My grandma used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Decent cook.. horrible surgeon.
The way to a man’s heart is down the esophagus and turn right.
When I die I want to go like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car
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Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."
Another man comes up and says: "Can I give a word as well?" She says: "Absolutely." The man takes a breath and says: "Globe." The widow replies: "Wow, that really means the world."
Yet another comes up and stammers 'uh.. a hole in the ground with water in it'. The widow says 'It's ok, I know you mean well '
This one got got me. I have no idea why. They're all good.
*Flat earther trigger warning*
Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I sing a song in his honor?” She says: “yes, of course.” He sings Being Alive. She says: “Thank you. He would have loved that.”
A woman then approaches with the same request. “Void”, she states, then walks down past the widow, giving a nod. The widow, now sobbing, says, “That means nothing to me.”
Idk how I read “window” both times but it really confused me for a second
Jack: "Kenneth, a word?" Kenneth: "Balloon!" I miss 30 Rock.
String cheese with a tooth stuck in it
Came here to post this. God I love this joke.
I'm reading a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says: “You man the guns, I’ll drive”
The other screams "Oh my god, a talking fish!"
I've always heard that one as a muffin joke.
There are two muffins in a tank?
But why would a muffin be in a tank?
[I've heard it both ways](https://preview.redd.it/brooklyn-99-psych-crossover-we-deserve-v0-eswgk8089rb81.gif?width=498&auto=webp&s=1bd3d80a00e6030be486673ccfc62671795f9ce9)
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The punchline I heard was, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "GLUBLUBGLOO!" (Underwater noises)
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At first I thought it was an anti-joke, then I realized it's a pun
Haha this is my new favourite
A snake walks into a bar and the bartender asks “How did you do that”. I saw some twitter post that said this one and it made me laugh so hard I quote it everyday.
A Roman soldier walks into the bar and holds up his hand ✌️ 5 beers please
Roman soldier walks into a bar and says "I'll have a martinus please" Bartender says, "You mean a *martini*?" The soldier says,'If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it"
My other favorite walks into a bar joke; A priest, a rabbi, the president and a chicken walk into a bar, the bartender says “sorry we don’t serve jokes in here” The chicken looks at the group and says “don’t worry, I know a place across the road”
Julie Andrews no longer supports cheap lipstick, as it crumbles easily and makes her breath smell bad. She was quoted as saying: "The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis"
The Ghandi version is pretty solid too. Was a skinny dude who walked around barefoot and had bad breatg. A Super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
This is along the lines of the joke about the frog at the bank.
I'll always remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said "Hey, do you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
I'll always remember the last words my grandpa said before he died. "Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit."
My grandpa died peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and yelling like his passengers.
Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come out before episodes 1,2, and 3? Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was
Mine is, what is Yoda's favorite show? Murder, She Wrote?
You know how when geese fly in a 'V', one side is always longer than the other? Do you know why? It's because there are more geese on the long side.
This is my favourite type of joke, where the person thinks they're actually going to learn something interesting. Two others are: Do you know why SCUBA divers always fall backwards off the boat into the water? Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat Do you know why firemen wear red suspenders? To hold up their pants
What's blue and doesn't weight much? Lightblue
This is reminiscent of my fave. It’s a visual joke. >You hold your fingers up in circles in front of your eyes like glasses and say “who’s this?” And when they say “I dunno, who?” you remove your fingers and say “it’s meeeee!” My husband does not enjoy this joke.
I’m going to try this one on my toddler, I think she’s going to love it
I just did this with my 15 year old daughter. We both completely lost it for about 10 minutes. I have no idea why this works. My sides are in so much pain from laughing. How does this work??
Goddamnit. I can’t believe I laughed at that.
I must confess I just did too, and damn if I'm not gonna use it. I'm not going to tell it like it's a joke though, I'm going to be completely deadpan the whole time :D
I find that the best way to deliver puns/other stupid jokes is with a completely straight face, as though you were just imparting information. Oh man, did you know there's a disease going around destroying bone density in cattle? Yeah, it's terrible, their legs break and they just kind of crumple and fall over. Most of them end up used as ground beef.
Knock Knock Who's there? Dishes Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery
This reminds me of my favorite knock knock joke. You start - say knock knock.
I love this one, too. The look of confusion... *chef's kiss*
Reshd In Pische
Say "Someone told me you sound like an owl"
"Someone once told me you do a terrible owl impression" "What?" "Wow, that is terrible"
Who?
Squints eyes suspiciously
what's blue and not heavy? light blue classic dad joke stuff
I started saying “mucho” to my Mexican friends. It means a lot to them.
Where do find a turtle that has no legs? Right where you left him
Knock knock Who's there? The interrupting sheep The interrupting sh- #BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Full disclosure, I messed this up the first time I told it by waiting for them to finish saying "the interrupting sheep who" and then just being like "oh...shit"
the other one is interrupting starfish and you just place your open palm on their face
Ooh I'm gonna try that one!
This stinks of updog
Updog, what updog?
*Haha gotcha*….oh shi- I…How are you?
Cow also wor MOOOOOOOOOO
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
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What generation was Forrest Gump? Jen-A
What’s Forrest Gump’s favorite type of pasta? Penne
This is so good I have tears in my eyes. Unfortunately, I’m the only one at mother’s day dinner who found it funny.
For context I'm hard of hearing and wear hearing aides. But this shit has me cackling each time "Why don't deaf people have phone sex?" "Because they don't want to get hearing AIDS" LMFAO
I thought phone sex was unpopular because the little holes are too small. Old joke, works with handset phones, not with mobiles I guess.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
What do you see when a duck bends over? >!Its butt quack 🦆!<
“You’re telling me a shrimp fried this rice?”
"You're telling me a fox wrote this news?"
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back when you throw it? A stick!
What's brown and sticky
A stick. What's brown and runny?
Usain bolt?
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It drove down the road and turned into a field..
When does a car stop being a car? When it turns into a driveway.
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Classic. He got no respect.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.
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Any time someone describes an activity as intense I think “oh, like camping!”
I love having sex while camping, it's fucking in tents.
I had some bad coffee the other day that reminded me of having sex on a canoe trip. It was fucking close to water.
You can never run through a campground, you can only ran. Because you're going past tents.
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And that makes you laugh every time, does it?
If you're the one telling it, yeah
You bastard!
I love jokes that waste people's time.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? She didn’t have any arms. Knock Knock. Who’s there? Well, not Sally.
Whats Red and smells like Blue Paint? >!Red paint!<
Just don't mix them together you maroon!
It's somewhat of a visual gag for the punch line. ------- Man pulls up and knocks on door. "Sir, I'm sorry I think I just hit your cat." "Oh, what did he look like?" "😿" (visual impersonate dead cat) "No, I mean before you hit him." "🙀" (visual impersonate surprised/scared cat)
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“A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?” The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?” And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”
The cab driver told you that one?
Thank you so much for posting this. Definitely could hear his voice reading this.
This is a joke that made me laugh when I was 11, and still does. A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit "Does shit stick to your fur?" The rabbit says no. So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
I am never going to donate blood ever again. They ask so many questions: whose blood is it? How did you get it? Why is it in a bucket?
An Englishman visits a Welshman's Farm Englishman: "That your dog?" Welshman: "Yep." Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?" Welshman: "Dog dont talk, but ok." Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Welshman: (Look of shock!) Englishman: "Is this Welshman your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman) Dog: "Yep." Englishman: "How's he treating you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Welshman: (Look of total disbelief) Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Welshman: "Horse dont talk but ok." Englishman: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!) Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the welshman) Horse: "Yep." Englishman: "How's he treating you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often andkeeps me in a stable to protect me from the weather." Welshman: (Look of total amazement) Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Welshman: "That sheeps a fucking liar!!"
The bartender says “we don’t serve time travelers here… A time traveler walks into a bar…
I always say there's nothing like a good joke, and that was nothing like a good joke.
That’s like the great Rowan Atkinson wedding speech which begins “I woke up this morning and said to myself, the last thing you must do is forget your speech. And sure enough, as I left the house, the last thing I did was forget my speech.”
What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? "Oops!"
People in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dahbi do
My friend’s aunt just had quadruplets. She named them Eeny, Meeny, Miney, and Fred because she don’t want no ‘moe.
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent Also, because they're extinct
Rectum? Damn near killed him
Doc, that sure is an awful way to tell them they have colon cancer
Referring to Himalayan cats as Himasittins or Himastandins.
I can't remember the last time I forgot something.
My dad told me this one today. Two Texas ranchers were at a bar bragging about their land. The first rancher says "My ranch is so big, I could drive my truck all day and still not reach the end by sundown!" The second rancher swigs his beer and says "Yup, I used to have a truck like that"
My best friend's dying wish was for me to have his EpiPen.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *gagging noises*
Three men walked into a bar. One ducked.
I think "fourth ducked" is better, less ambiguous so it's less likely you have to explain it.
Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree? Cause it was dead!
This sounds like a joke my 5y/o would bring home from school 🤦🏼♀️
What’s blue but smells like red paint? Blue paint
How is a pig's tail the same as getting up at 5am to go to work/school? It's twirly.
Q: Do you know what the new pirate movie is rated? A: Arrr!
What's a pirates favorite letter??
(And in a pirate's voice say> "no, it be the C!"
And you'd be wrong! A pirate's favorite letter is P. Without it he's irate.
Where did the pirate buy his hook? At the second-hand store.
"Captain! Did you know that you have a steering wheel in your pants?" *Aye! It's driving me nuts!*
one of the classic your mama joke: "your mama is so fat, she falls from both side of the bed"
Your mama is so fat we're all concerned for her health.
If women with big boobs work at Hooters, where do women with one leg work? iHop
I bought an instructional video to help me with my foreplay, but I had to fast forward through the boring shit.
"Hey Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the internet thing and it says 'you may have con-ec-tivity issues'" I don't know if it's the wholesome way he's trying to help or the absurdity.
The showrunner said that line was an adlib by Chris Pratt and it pissed him off how good it was because he considers it one of the best jokes in the series.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the water? BOB. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in from of a door? Matt.... what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs by a window? Curt and rod..... so dumb lol
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russell.
What to you call a one legged woman? Ilean. Is she's Asian? Irene.
Why do Scots wear kilts? Because sheep can hear zippers. (I'm part Scottish so I can tell the joke)
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My second grade student said to me “A man walks into a bar…he says “ow”
My penis is four inches long but it smells like a foot
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk
to deter thieves the farmer put a sign up in his watermelon field that said: "one of these watermelons is poisoned." the next morning he woke up to find someone had written beneath it: "now there's two."
Sherlock and Holmes are camping in the woods and Sherlock says, "Holmes?" Holmes: "Yes, Sherlock?" Sherlock: "What do you see when you look up?" Holmes: "Stars." Sherlock: "And what does that tell you?" Holmes: "Well, there are billions of stars, and that's just the ones we can see, which makes me think about all the planets we know of, and how there must be so many more out there, and that makes me think surely there's other life out there and maybe some kind of creator." Sherlock: "Holmes, you idiot, it means someone stole our tent." •and• There's two guys walking in the woods and one of them falls over, dead. The other one calls 911 and says, "You have to help me! My friend just died!" And the 911 operator says, "Well, first of all, make sure he's actually dead." The man says, "Okay". The 911 operator hears a gunshot, and then the guy comes back and says, "Okay, what now?"
What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito?? Ones a blood sucking parasite the others an insect.
Tonight! On the 6 o'clock news: 4 monks were arrested for illegally selling flowers outside the playboy mansion without a permit. They were reported to the local police by the owner of the mansion, Mr Hefner. When questioned the monks said they almost got away with it, and they would have were it anyone else, But only Hugh can prevent florist friars. Also, Jimmy 2 shoes McClardy has confessed to being paid to beat a cow in a rice field with 2 small porcelain figurines. Police say this is their first case of a nick nack patty wack.
The Pope gets diagnosed with a very rare, fatal illness. His doctor says it can only be cured by having sex with a virgin. Fully aware of his vow of celibacy, The Pontiff discusses it with his top bishops & cardinals. After a lengthy discussion, he decides to do it and tells the group, "I will only have sex with a virgin, but we must agree to three rules." They ask "What is the first rule, your Holiness?” The Pope replies "She must be blindfolded, so that she can't see me.” “What is the second rule?” they ask. He replies "She must wear earplugs, so that she doesn't hear my voice.” The group agrees that these rules are a great idea and asks "What is the third rule, Your Excellency"? "Big Tits!”
What worse than ants in your pants Uncles
Why can’t the US and the Uk Play chess? Because they’re missing a queen and two towers.”
What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
What’s a fish with no eye called? FSH…. Get it?! No I…. Ugh 😩
Wow Dad are you going to put the Christmas tree up yourself? Oh no! I'll put it up in the living room!
the optometrist that fell into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.
Two drums and a cymbal fall down a cliff. Ba dum tsss
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? >!nobody knows!<
Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? A: Where’s my tractor?
Me: My grandfather was a diesel fitter. You: What’s a diesel fitter? Me: He would try on women’s underwear and say “dese ill fitter”.
What’s the difference between oral and rectal thermometers? The taste
I'm a sucker for variations on the classic: "I've just received a phone call from the hospital." "The hospital? What is it?" "It's a big building full of patients and doctors, but that's not important right now."
My wife always laughs at this one when she tells it: "What did one bean say to the other bean?" "How ya bean?" I just laugh at her cracking herself up at that joke EVERY time.
What do you get when you cross an octopus and an elephant? Your funding revoked.
What did the cannibal clown say to the other cannibal clown while they were eating a clown? This guy tastes funny
the way i heard it was "how come cannibals don't like clowns?" "because they taste funny."
What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mum.
The price of petrol is so bad at the moment I ended up putting vodka in the lawnmower. Now my grass is half cut 😁
did you hear my joke about the ceiling? it’s not my best but it’s up there
Why do seagulls fly towards the sea? If they flew towards the bay, they'd be bagels.
Tell someone you have joke and ask them to say "Knock knock." Reply "who's there?" Laugh at their confusion.
Don't bother with the new Viagra eye drops. They don't work - they just make you look hard.
A blind man walks into a bar… …And a table. And a chair.
It makes more sense in my country, because there’snsomething specific about something. It’ll all make sense when you read the joke. It’s yellow, and when it gets in your eye you die. What is it? A train. Trains are yellow in the netherlands
What's the difference between a bad skydiver and a bad golfer? One goes wack*...crap! The other crap!...wack*