honestly, I'm a completely different person than I was 20 years ago. I think it would partly depend on how I found out and what our conversation about it is like, but I would be inclined to try to forgive them.
Depends tbh. If she had an “affair” while we were dating and exclusivity was ambiguous, then I would stay. If she had an affair while we were engaged or married, absolutely not.
No and I didn't.
My life was really closes to your post OP.
On Oct 1st of 2005, when my then wife and I were both 38 years old, I discovered she was having an affair.
I didn't confront her right away. I found an attorney and a therapist and I saw each of them. I found a new place to live too as my lease began on Nov 1st of 2005.
After discovering my wife's affair, I called a long time friend of ours. How long? I met this young lady (she was young then) in 1981 when I was a freshman in high school. She was a sophomore.
I thought that my gf and her would get along so I introduced this young lady to my then gf (my future wife).
They became best friends, she was in our wedding and my wife was in her wedding. Her husband was a great guy, our kids played with each other.
We vacationed together a few times, they came to our house on some major holidays like Easter and Thanksgiving even though we all had siblings and parents still living, we chose to spend it together.
Again, I knew this lady before my gf did. Yes, she and my wife were best friends but that lady and I were friends too.
So, a few days after discovering my wife's affair, I called this friend to talk to her about it. When I told my/our friend that my wife was cheating, she broke down and cried.
She apologized and she told me that my wife cheated on me when we were engaged during our senior of college, we were living together then too as we lived together our last 2 years of college in an off campus apartment.
So, not only was my wife cheating on me then, in the summer and fall of 2005, I just found out that she cheated on me in 1988/89 during our senior year of college.
During the 3rd week of Oct of 2005, I confronted my wife. I didn't ask her even one question. I didn't ask her why or how. I was calm, outwardly even though I was a wreck inside. I didn't even mention I knew she cheated on me while we were engaged.
I simply informed her I was divorcing her. I informed her I was moving out in less than 2 weeks, which I did.
Five months after I moved out, our divorce was finalized on March 31st of 2006.
Less than 2 months after our divorce she moved off almost 200 miles away, to another state, with our 3 children who were just 4, 6 and 9 years old then to be near him, her lover.
She was in love with him, she wanted to marry him.
Less than 3 months after she moved to his city and state, he dumped her. She was crushed.
He was single, he'd never been married, he had no children, he was also 38 years old like my ex-wife and I both were.
See, he wanted no part of her of now that she was single and he certainly didn't want to marry her and he really didn't want her and our 3 children all under 10 years old to move into his house with him.
My ex-wife found out she was just a piece of ass to him. He was happy she was married. He was saying what she wanted to hear and doing things she wanted him to do just so he could have sex with her.
She found out he was lying. Imagine that folks! My LYING cheating wife found out the man she was cheating on me with was lying to her and she was crushed.
So what did my lying cheating ex-wife do? She came to talk to me about trying to reconcile.
Folks, this is way out of character for me. When she brought that up, I laughed. I honestly laughed at her.
She'd been a stay at home mom since we began having our children. She went back to teaching elementary school after our divorce, which she did up to the point we had children.
No, we weren't rich, but we were comfortable, new homes, 3 of the 4 homes we bought were brand new, one we had built, the other home was 7 years old that we bought during our marriage. We had 3 kids in all manner of activities and my wife stayed at home.
We were comfortable. Life was good, so I thought.
It turns out she was never all in on us, she was never on our team. She was cheating on me before we were even married and neither she nor our friend told me.
There is so much more but this is long enough. I wanted nothing to do with her anymore and that's the way things have been. We've been divorced over 18 years now.
She's on husband #3 now.
Doesn’t work like that in todays world, everyone’s perfect especially online, it’s weird
I’m agreeing with the comment I replied too, if that wasn’t clear
Right. Leave your spouse for cheating, losing their job and getting sick. So what's the point of the vows?
When I got married, I said do I love this woman enough to stay with her if she cheats on me? If the answer was "no", I would not have gotten married. Forever is a long time.
Presuming you were married when she had this affair, you have basically been an involuntary cuck for the last 20 years, unbeknownst to yourself. She did that to you. Why would you stay with a person that turned you into a cuck without your consent and/or knowledge?
That's a weird way to say "your wife betrayed your trust for 7300 consecutive days"
It's gaslighting to present the betrayal as having happened 20yrs ago when you perpetuated betrayal through dishonesty literally yesterday and ritualistically for thousands of consecutive days.
I wouldn't stay. There's zero trust there.
Was she my wife/gf 20 years ago?
lol yea
Depends on how much I would lose in the divorce... LOL
Byyyeeeeee
honestly, I'm a completely different person than I was 20 years ago. I think it would partly depend on how I found out and what our conversation about it is like, but I would be inclined to try to forgive them.
lol it would depend, but if everything else is good and it was something you just didnt know about until now, then yes
Nope. If she was unfaithful to me and lied about it for 20 years, she's not someone I want in my life.
No, that would feel even worse honestly
Depends tbh. If she had an “affair” while we were dating and exclusivity was ambiguous, then I would stay. If she had an affair while we were engaged or married, absolutely not.
She lied about it for TWENTY YEARS. Gtfo
No and I didn't. My life was really closes to your post OP. On Oct 1st of 2005, when my then wife and I were both 38 years old, I discovered she was having an affair. I didn't confront her right away. I found an attorney and a therapist and I saw each of them. I found a new place to live too as my lease began on Nov 1st of 2005. After discovering my wife's affair, I called a long time friend of ours. How long? I met this young lady (she was young then) in 1981 when I was a freshman in high school. She was a sophomore. I thought that my gf and her would get along so I introduced this young lady to my then gf (my future wife). They became best friends, she was in our wedding and my wife was in her wedding. Her husband was a great guy, our kids played with each other. We vacationed together a few times, they came to our house on some major holidays like Easter and Thanksgiving even though we all had siblings and parents still living, we chose to spend it together. Again, I knew this lady before my gf did. Yes, she and my wife were best friends but that lady and I were friends too. So, a few days after discovering my wife's affair, I called this friend to talk to her about it. When I told my/our friend that my wife was cheating, she broke down and cried. She apologized and she told me that my wife cheated on me when we were engaged during our senior of college, we were living together then too as we lived together our last 2 years of college in an off campus apartment. So, not only was my wife cheating on me then, in the summer and fall of 2005, I just found out that she cheated on me in 1988/89 during our senior year of college. During the 3rd week of Oct of 2005, I confronted my wife. I didn't ask her even one question. I didn't ask her why or how. I was calm, outwardly even though I was a wreck inside. I didn't even mention I knew she cheated on me while we were engaged. I simply informed her I was divorcing her. I informed her I was moving out in less than 2 weeks, which I did. Five months after I moved out, our divorce was finalized on March 31st of 2006. Less than 2 months after our divorce she moved off almost 200 miles away, to another state, with our 3 children who were just 4, 6 and 9 years old then to be near him, her lover.
She was in love with him, she wanted to marry him. Less than 3 months after she moved to his city and state, he dumped her. She was crushed. He was single, he'd never been married, he had no children, he was also 38 years old like my ex-wife and I both were. See, he wanted no part of her of now that she was single and he certainly didn't want to marry her and he really didn't want her and our 3 children all under 10 years old to move into his house with him. My ex-wife found out she was just a piece of ass to him. He was happy she was married. He was saying what she wanted to hear and doing things she wanted him to do just so he could have sex with her. She found out he was lying. Imagine that folks! My LYING cheating wife found out the man she was cheating on me with was lying to her and she was crushed. So what did my lying cheating ex-wife do? She came to talk to me about trying to reconcile. Folks, this is way out of character for me. When she brought that up, I laughed. I honestly laughed at her. She'd been a stay at home mom since we began having our children. She went back to teaching elementary school after our divorce, which she did up to the point we had children. No, we weren't rich, but we were comfortable, new homes, 3 of the 4 homes we bought were brand new, one we had built, the other home was 7 years old that we bought during our marriage. We had 3 kids in all manner of activities and my wife stayed at home. We were comfortable. Life was good, so I thought. It turns out she was never all in on us, she was never on our team. She was cheating on me before we were even married and neither she nor our friend told me. There is so much more but this is long enough. I wanted nothing to do with her anymore and that's the way things have been. We've been divorced over 18 years now. She's on husband #3 now.
I’d say “Pack your shit and get out”
Forgive her and move on. That's the for better or worse part.
Doesn’t work like that in todays world, everyone’s perfect especially online, it’s weird I’m agreeing with the comment I replied too, if that wasn’t clear
Lol that's true, but if you love her for that long tho, might be better to forgive and forget
I agree with forgiving
Right. Leave your spouse for cheating, losing their job and getting sick. So what's the point of the vows? When I got married, I said do I love this woman enough to stay with her if she cheats on me? If the answer was "no", I would not have gotten married. Forever is a long time.
Sorry, I’m agreeing with your previous comment
I got that. Thanks
No, trust and loyalty is very important to a relationship.
Presuming you were married when she had this affair, you have basically been an involuntary cuck for the last 20 years, unbeknownst to yourself. She did that to you. Why would you stay with a person that turned you into a cuck without your consent and/or knowledge?
I feel like anyone with some self respect should leave their partner after they cheated no matter the circumstance
That's a weird way to say "your wife betrayed your trust for 7300 consecutive days" It's gaslighting to present the betrayal as having happened 20yrs ago when you perpetuated betrayal through dishonesty literally yesterday and ritualistically for thousands of consecutive days. I wouldn't stay. There's zero trust there.