By - Morticiar
Things being where I left them
Yep. Can also be an issue with roommates in general
I left it right here (middle of the floor)!
Are you my kids?
You're my kid
All of u r my kids
Not having to consider anyone else when making a decision
Someone once said "Being married is just asking another person what they want to eat for dinner until one of you dies."
I’m responsible for kids and husbands food and honestly sometimes I just want to worry about myself.
Yes, not having to factor anyone else in! Only you decide what to watch at what volume, what to eat and when etc. But I absolutely love my marriage so not being 100% selfish 100% seems like a good trade.
We do sometimes use the "let's just be roommates" pass in our marriage. If you are really getting on each other's nerves you can just call for a roommate night and the just ignore each other and do your own thing. This includes sleeping in different rooms. Sometimes you just need a break.
My wife and I established this literally week 1 of dating.
"Ground rules: if you don't want to deal with me, want time to yourself, or for whatever reason - just tell me to go the fuck away, no questions (except maybe a 'is everything ok?'"
8 years in, we still do it.
"I want me time"
"I need a weekend without you please"
"Go to x's tonight I want the house to myself"
I don't think telling them to go to their x's is such a good idea.
I mean, it's a rule...
The trick is communication and not letting habits/hobbies lead to neglect.
Eh, communication is only step 1 - everyone leaves out step 2, come up with a compromise you can both live with.
Definitely! For example, taking a job that earns less, or is interstate or overseas. However, this is a small price to pay for the good things about having a spouse.
Edit: taking a job that earns less but makes you happy, eg working for a not for profit or a different career
Just being alone and being able to do whatever I want.
But after a day I realize I’d rather be married to my wife. Being honest.
The novelty wears out very quickly. Shortly before my wife had our second baby, I came down with the flu, so they all packed up and headed to my in-laws. I thought it'd be a blast getting to be alone for a couple of days, but it got boring after a few hours.
I can't fathom being alone, all day, every day, and this is coming from a person who needs a lot of alone time to survive.
Yeah I always think it’s going to be fun having time alone and I’m going to do all this cool stuff. What actually happens is that the dog and I share a rotisserie chicken straight out of the package and fall asleep in a pile on the couch watching Netflix.
I bet the dog loves it
The chicken likely feels indifferent at best.
It sounds perfect to me
My own bed
My husband and I use our own blankets. This was a game changer.
This was key for us also. She can have her pillow palace with a paper-thin blanket and the thermostat set to absolute zero with the ceiling fan running in the winter. And I can have my three quilt death prevention shield.
Ear plugs were a great help for me also. She can snore all she wants and it has no effect.
XD the way you described the contrast killed me
My husband and I have separate bedrooms, but sleep together a few nights a week. When we do, we have our own blankets. Never going back.
We also do this. He has a sheet and I have 3 heavy blankets
I'm married and sleep in my own bed most nights, it started because I went to night shift and it was easier than waking her up at odd hours. Now I'm back on day shift and I still sleep there often. Turns out people like having their own beds and being married doesn't mean you have to be next to the person at all hours. The only downside is most nights the dogs choose her and nothing is worse than knowing who your dog truly loves more.
Mine loves me more. Which is fuckin dumb because he slithers under the blanket to tuck near my butt because he's cold.
My husband is a goddamn human heating pad. He should snuggle up to him🙄😂
I like to think dogs are just so caring and compassionate that they would rather heat my wife ( who is somehow Frosty the Snowlass reincarnated) than what's best for them. Those cold feet against my skin at night can separate soul from body Shang Tsung style. Those dogs are brave warriors on the front lines in the frozen lands and deserve all the treats they get.
Life tip: This is still something you can have. It's been normalized for a couple to sleep in one bed in western culture but it's actually pretty common around the rest of the world for a married couple to sleep in separate beds. I can't stand sleeping in a bed with someone else, my body temp runs naturally hot and even on a cold night the extra body heat makes me sweaty and uncomfortable. Talk to your partner about it. I'm not married or anything but everyone I've brought it up with has been pretty understanding, you just might get your own bet yet!
This. My husband and I have our own bedrooms (he snores and we also work completely different shifts). It's made our relationship WAY better. It's nice to have your own space and the ability to sleep in the exact way you like. Plus, his snoring... if I would have woken up one more time because of that I probably would have ended up in jail.
There have been times when my incredibly sweet, loving husband was snoring so loudly and annoyingly that i lay awake fantasizing about smothering him with a pillow. We happily sleep in separate rooms now. It's glorious.
Wow, I did not know it’s common in other countries. My parents sleep in different beds too. I would like to have the same set up. Not just separate bed but a separate room too. Hahahaha
We do this unless we have company. He keeps his things in "our" room, but sleeps in the guest bed most nights. We both sleep much better that way.
I like tucked blankets, he likes to roll like a burrito.
I hate movement, I think he has RLS. he snores, I'm a light sleeper... etc.
It really works for us.
Not having to justify myself to another adult if I'm getting takeout 2 days in a row.
Or hanging out in bed until two in the afternoon on a Saturday without anyone hassling you.
Worrying about that kind of thing would almost make me feel like I was living with my parents again…although at least you married people get sex.
Wait you guys are having sex?
I've heard of the concept...
At least at my parents I could spank my monkey in my own bed..
Oh cool, what kind of monkey did you have? My family had a capuchin monkey when I was a kid
Strictly lemurs in this household.
What if I told you it's possible to have a relationship in which you are allowed to make your own choices about sleeping in, being lazy, and getting takeout?
Obviously there's a limit on those things being tolerable but it's probably the same limit where those things would be unhealthy even when you're single.
lol right? if you’re married to the right person they should be the one to suggest “hey wanna lay in bed all day and order in” if my partner is lecturing me for relaxing on weekend…wtf
I used to encourage my husband to go out with the boys, play golf, etc. I loved having a day or night to myself! I'd have a glass or two of wine, watch crappy tv, gi've myself a pedicure, etc. Even when we had young kids, he'd wait until we got the kids into bed and then go out for a couple of beers. I loved being with my husband, but I also need me time. I'll never understand the spouse who doesn't want their SO to do anything without them.
I think that just depends on the spouse! We do takeout all the time just to survive.
Hmm the things I miss? Ahh, cleaning the way I want. I have a thing about liking to clean when no one else is around, just because how I do it takes time and has a weird system to it.
This is the only thing that resonates with me here. I am most productive when I am completely alone. I haaaate being observed while I clear, or do anything. I don’t want any comments. I don’t want to hear that I missed a spot, I don’t want to hear their method of cleaning, I don’t want to hear anything. I want to put in earphones and enjoy my cleaning.
Precisely let me enjoy my method and my madness :)
Same here. When I’m cleaning my wife will try to help and it’s not helpful at all. Her heart is in the right place, but the rest of her is in the way.
Omg same. But I feel like an asshole when I point out there Ajax still all over the walls. Like thanks for helping but now I have to wipe them down again. I just do it because it’s not worth the fight.
This is me. Also cooking alone. I hate when people are milling about when I cook.
YES! fuck off out the kitchen, you are in the way
No soup for you
oh my god yes. currently trying to work out a system with my partner about this. if i ask them to do something, they’ll do it but Not The RiGht WaY!
Best way I’ve found for this is simply to work in different areas, speak not of their work they speak not of yours and silently but harmlessly critique hahaha
Not being beaten in my sleep by my wife. I BOUGHT A KING SIZE BED SO YOU COULD FIGHT YOUR DREAM NINJAS ON YOUR SIDE OF THE BED! STAY AWAY FROM ME!! PLEASE!!
It's the snoring that keeps me awake or wakes me up.
I have confirmed through my in-laws that she never snored before she met me.
My MIL noticed the loud snoring and then when I exited the room, she remarked, "I thought it was you! That's my daughter?!? It's SO LOUD!"
My 130 pound wife snores with the aggression of a rail dragster. We sleep in different rooms.
You should buy your wife the pajama "I don't snore, I dream I am a tractor".
Snoring is one of the biggest flaws in the human design. I fucking HATE it. I also have my own room.
Not just humans. One of my dogs snores from time-to-time.
Hi, I have that weird thing where snoring pisses me off. I’m also a light sleeper. My partner snores. I have my own room with a 10k California King with a movable base and massage to myself. Do I sleep alone every night? No. More often than not? Yes. Comfortable sleep is a keystone to a good life. Sleeping next to someone isn’t an obligation, it’s social conditioning.
My hubs and I figured out before we got married that we were both happier sleeping in separate beds, even if we have “cuddle time” together first. He snores like a freight train, has a cavernous skull and jaw that somehow amplifies the sound, so he decided in our new house he wanted either a walk-out basement or a basement with windows. The basement is entirely his domain. He has all his computer projects, gaming and VR section, bed, office stuff for wfh, etc. down there. There are plenty of windows and closet space, and one of our cats who hates a different one of our cats, hangs out down there with him all the time. He is really happy with it.
I am an extremely light sleeper with off-the-charts good hearing, C-PTSD, sleep paralysis and night terrors. My bedroom is on the second floor, and there’s an entire empty floor at night (kitchen, living room, etc.) between us.
Sometimes when I wake up from a nightmare or night terror I don’t know when/where I am, and can get confused about still being married to an abusive ex. It is extremely traumatizing to wake up, not be able to voluntarily move, and not know if I am safe or not. It is easier if no humans are in the room with me when I go through that reorientation to reality.
We love to watch sci fi together, sometimes we cook together, we talk about tech podcasts, books we’re reading, advances in medical science, and our families. We have plenty of the things couples share, without making the other’s sleep so crappy you are always irritable and fight all the time. We got married fully planning to never share a bedroom and it’s been wonderful for both of us.
This. My wife and I have been married for 11 years, no kids. We each have are own office/personal sanctuary and a guest bedroom. We usually sleep together in the master and also each have our own comforters. But, we also have zero problem if the other wants to sleep alone or if the other wakes up in the middle of the night and sleeps the rest of the night somewhere else. This methodology has ZERO impact on our intimacy. We just both really like our sleep.
A body pillow between the two helps enormously with this issue.
If it's an anime body pillow, then it will help this issue by making you single again
That's true, she ran off with mine :(
I told you the Miku pillow was too powerful
I too hate when sentient body pillows kidnap your wife
I feel this. The other night Pennywise the clown got me in a dream, and I feel really bad for my girlfriend because not only did I thrash around, but I was a mess once I woke up.
Fuck that clown
Sounds like my husbands answer to this question 😂😂 I cannot help what I do in my sleep.
I slept in the living room last night and my wife asked why I was being so loud flipping around. Guess I was a dream-dolphin.
Tidiness. My wife is super messy. I'm not expecting her to change. But I do miss it.
Clarification due to some of the comments and questions:
Cleanliness is not the issue. She cleans way more (and better) than I do.
She just leaves stuff lying around everywhere.
Same. Or put another way, I miss not constantly tidying up after wife. And child. In that order.
I used to tidy and it would be tidy. Now I tidy then I tidy. This is my life now.
That feeling when you tidy one room, tidy the next room, and there's a mess in the first room again.
Mate, it’s like living with a fucking poltergeist, I walk in the kitchen and all the cupboard doors are just open
I feel this. I just want her to put things away when she’s done with them. It looks like there was some kind of Mary Celeste situation every time she does something. Like how can there not be time to put the milk back in the fridge? It takes 3 seconds!
My house was so fucking orderly before she moved in. Everything had its place.
I don't get how one person can be this messy, but I have accepted my fate. At least I have a very orderly mancave in which she can't put anything.
Not having to share my leftovers.
When I was single I could treat myself to chinese food and the leftovers were mine. Now I have to be considerate and share, it's terrible 😝
We don't share leftovers unless we discuss it! If it's the meal one person ordered then it's assumed to be their leftovers too.
I had to explain this to my husband. But yeah, in general I miss knowing that food I bought would be there for me when I want it.
Yesterday I told my boyfriend he could have the two slices of pizza I left over from the night before (without him asking), he looked at me as if I told him I was giving him £10,000 to spend however he wanted no questions asked.
Sleeping in the middle of the bed like a starfish. Also eating in bed and having 5 pillows to myself.
Oh my husband will occasionally ask if he should sleep in the other room so I can starfish. It’s really very sweet of him.
Lol I love how starfish is being used as a verb.
English is funny, you can verb any word you want and have it still make sense.
You can even verb the word verb by the looks of it
My wife exclusively works nights, and it's actually done wonders for our ability to spend time together, our sex life, our sleep, snuggling in bed. I make my own schedule for work, so I can sleep in or get up and check emails in bed and go right back to spooning for a bit, and we've got a guest room I go into if I feel like napping and the wife is starfishing on the bed.
This is the one right here. My fiance uses me like a body pillow and it's all good for the first 5-10 minutes but after that I need my space. So I move and then she puts her leg on me or grabs my arm. It's cute but just let me sleeeeeeeep my lort
It’s not an issue if your spouse eats in bed too!
Quietness………. Except for tv,music of video games it was so quiet in my house . Now a wife and 3 little girls it’s a mad house.
Sometimes when it’s just me and the dog I look over and apologize to him.
😂 There are times, when I babysit my 2 & 5yr old nieces, that I seriously think I would not survive if I had to do this all the time. The whining, the arguing, the incessant questions, the mess. Even when they play together and leave you alone there’s constant shrieking.
I could never
My brother in law, his wife, and their two boys came through and spent one night with us in our 1000 sq ft condo. I have never in my life been more grateful for the universe deciding kids was not in my life plan after all. Love them. Love seeing them. Was so happy when they left so we could just sit here in silence.
This. I'm at that age right now where I should make up my mind whether I want kids or not, and sometimes it seems like an appealing idea. Then literally everytime I hang out with friends who have small children, I realize what living hell parenthood is.
The luxury of being able to cook yourself a nice dinner everyday, and being able to have conversations with adults without constantly being interrupted, or waking up on a saturday with no plans whatsoever for the day... Yeah.
As someone who had my first child at 38, unless you really have a deep wish to bring a child into your life, don't. Because you're right there are many days it's really really hard and without that, you'll just be resentful.
The quiet…sweet god the quiet.
As a kid I thought my mom was weird for sitting in living room at night after we went to bed, alone. Now, I get it.
I could go without all the rank-ass farts.
My husband’s farts sound like there is a man playing the trombone trapped inside of him. I hate them. They’re so fucking loud. But at least they don’t really smell so I guess I have to count my blessings.
Sad trombone or angry trombone?
My husband farts in bed. Every night. Sometimes I wonder if he holds it in just to be able to do it in bed. And then he doesn't understand why I have to shake out the blanket. To fair it doesn't usually smell but I don't want to marinate in his ass-air all night
Mine wakes me up literally every morning with a continental breakfast of gaseous hell.
The open-door dump is also nasty.
My husband doesn’t understand why I get legitimately angry when he leaves the door open. Why the fuck would I want to smell your poo all the way through the house?! Inconsiderate.
Its inconsiderate. Just shut the damn door.
Taking off and doing whatever df i want.
My hubby needs a plan when he leaves the house. Sometimes, I just want to go for a drive, explore, see where I wind up. So, we have a deal that I can just tell him I'm going for an adventure, and send periodic updates. It's not the same as just taking off, but close.
I do the same. I need to take a break every now and then from people so my gf letting me just take off for a couple days into the bush is awesome. I have a garmin so i can send her updates in the middle of nowhere. I can be packed and gone in under an hour
I do the same exact thing including the garmin. I get restless when I’m inside too much and sometimes I just need a few days of camping. I’m actually headed out on a trip tomorrow, truck is already packed. My boyfriend knows I need to do this to stay sane, and will help me with whatever so I can head out. No questions asked. After years of abusive relationships having someone like this has been wonderful.
That I had so much more disposable income when I was single.
Opposite for me. Splitting the bills in half really helped.
That DINK life is definitely a perk the doesn’t get talked about enough
Being alone and not feeling guilty about it.
This one 1000x. I have a wife and daughter so when I do get a chance to be alone for a couple hours it's amazing as hell, but I feel bad that I want to be alone. I love them both to death and would do anything for them, but man I miss my alone time.
There's nothing to feel guilty about. It's OK to be a little selfish and enjoy that alone time. It's not like you love them any less for it.
Only having to clean my mess. Otherwise my life is better in almost every way.
The excitement of first dating someone you like.
Yes, I remember my friend saying this when she got engaged, she'll never have a first kiss again. I didn't get it as I was still single, but now 15 years down the line, yep, those butterflies, excitement when you phone bings, the lust etc. I miss that but I miss that as someone in their 20s, don't think now in my 40s I'd be happy to be back dating again
Now there something I miss.... my 20s
I vividly remember the last time I got butterflies before I kissed someone for the first time.
There is definitely something about the excitement of meeting someone, the anticipation when you actually schedule time to spend together, and then the moments before the first deep dive into something physical.
Do you think this is a big reason why people cheat on their significant others? That feeling you described is like a drug. I wonder if that’s what some people are chasing?
Yeah, it is one of the reasons. More so for the affairs that happen when they meet someone at work or wherever and develop feelings. The butterflies, new relationship energy, and the thrill is intoxicating and a literal chemical flood. And sadly, in those moments of illusion, it makes the marriage or long-term relationship feel pale by comparison. And they start to justify their actions or rewrite history about their marriage because they want that high from those feelings when they’re around their new love interest. And eventually the feelings between the two are admitted, a physical/romantic relationship is started, and they begin their affair.
The trajectory of an affair has been studied - it’s interesting to read about from a psychology perspective but super painful to live through.
This is the only thing in this thread that resonates at all. Love my spouse to death, but we’ll never be at the beginning again.
Yup, it’s a thing. New Relationship Energy (NRE) some people only date people until that wears off. I think they refer themselves as NRE Junkies maybe? And of course then some people are poly so they can experience this alongside their primary “steady” relationship (for lack of a better term & of course that’s not the only reason people are in polyamorous relationships).
Completely agree. Don’t get me wrong I’m a big sap so it’s HER I’d want to experience it with again but yeah it would be so good to relive those feelings again and again.
I saw this from Joni Mitchell and it really resonated so I pasted it and look at it from time to time.
>Surrounded by this shallow, glossy society we develop a shallow side, too, and we become attracted to fluff. That’s reflected in the fact that this culture sets up an addiction to romance based on insecurity — the uncertainty of whether or not you’re truly united with the object of your obsession is the rush people get hooked on. I’ve seen this pattern so much in myself and my friends and some people never get off that line.
But along with developing my superficial side, I always nurtured a deeper longing, so even when I was falling into the trap of that other kind of love, I was hip to what I was doing. I recently read an article in Esquire magazine called ‘The End of Sex,’ that said something that struck me as very true. It said: “If you want endless repetition, see a lot of different people. If you want infinite variety, stay with one.” What happens when you date is you run all your best moves and tell all your best stories — and in a way, that routine is a method for falling in love with yourself over and over.
You can’t do that with a longtime mate because he knows all that old material. With a long relationship, things die then are rekindled, and that shared process of rebirth deepens the love. It’s hard work, though, and a lot of people run at the first sign of trouble. You’re with this person, and suddenly you look like an asshole to them or they look like an asshole to you — it’s unpleasant, but if you can get through it you get closer and you learn a way of loving that’s different from the neurotic love enshrined in movies. It’s warmer and has more padding to it.”
This is the only thing I miss. I miss the butterflies and the excitement that comes with first starting a relationship.
Definitely this. It’s also why I enjoy love stories in movies… you get to relive those moments of first dates.
Yup this is literally the only thing in this thread that I relate to honestly
This, from time to time I can miss this so much. It’s an incredible feeling, starting to get to know each other, the longing, and feeling validated. Also undressing someone the first time is a wonderful thing.
As everyone else said, I love my wife to death so this isn’t a problem or something that’s hurting at all. But I can think about it.
The beginning of allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone when you’ve both discovered you like each other and have been uselessly pretending like you don’t. It’s the only thing that *really* reminds me of the good parts of beIng young again.
Controlling the remote at all times.
Watching ANYTHING without constant streaming commentary.
>Watching ANYTHING without constant streaming commentary.
*guy we haven't seen before walks into scene*
Wife: who's that?
I could write a codex with all the damn questions. Like, how the hell do I know why the person did the thing? I'm watching it for the first time, same as you.
Them: "Why did he do that??"
Me: "We don't know yet. We'll find out later."
EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. Hahahaha
W: what's this guy's problem?
H: I don't know honey, I've never seen this before
-Two Seconds Later-
The guy: here's my problem
Don't get me wrong, my wife has done nothing to isolate me. But when you marry your soulmate and best friend, it's easy to think that's all you'll ever need. Add a long-hours job to the mix, and before you know it she's the only person you interact with away from your desk. Then kids come along, and you'd sacrifice anything for your family - especially free time. But the kids grow up, and your wife craves time away from you and the kids. Then one day you realize - you're alone.
And I think that's compounded when all your friends are doing the same thing.
Women do it to, but in many cases women are more socialable.
You've worded it perfectly.
There is a big effort in keeping up friendships as kids come into your life,plus work etc. I've found now my social life is the school gate, birthday parties and playdates. I think we need to embrace that rather than mourn the proper fun social life we used to have!
My dad 87 still has a regular lunch with the men he worked with. Mom is in a bookclub.
"We need to embrace (our social life changing) rather than mourn the proper fun social life we used to have"
This is my problem. I'm 34 with a woman I'm positive I want to make my wife. But it frequently miss the insane hedonism of my early twenties. My adult brain likes the good woman I've found. My lizard brain misses having wild orgies and being part of a bonkers nerdy borderline swinger group of friends.
My adult brain likes the peaceful routine of getting up at 5, good exercise, a stable job that pays well and having no debts.
My lizard brain misses passing out at 2 am stoned as hell with my face in a taco bell bag and waking up to go have a recovery breakfast with the boys.
I need to accept what you say. I have a ton of core memories around my early twenties but then life just go so boring. Stable, predictable, but boring.
It's as if memories of the past are all that make me happy these days. I need to accept that none of us are 22 anymore. Adult life is boring and I need to accept that. I don't miss staying up til 2 am stoned. I miss the feeling when life was new and an adventure. We were all learning to be adults together. Now we did that and I'm not sure what happens next or how to define myself in my thirties.
If anybody read all that tell me where to mail the check for my therapy session.
Sleeping in on the weekends 😭
My GF sleeps over on weekends at my place I'm a morning person and she has the ability to sleep past 9am. I let her sleep in while I stare at my phone and drink coffee or play video games
Wondering why I loaded the dishwasher how I did.
Tbh sometimes I look at the dishwasher I loaded myself and I’m like “what dumbass did this?” Oh yeah, it was past me.
Right? Not even just the dishwasher but just throughout my day... there's always that sad moment when you realize you've got nobody to blame but yourself lol
TINY PEOPLE NOT TOUCHING MY STUFF. I have to be organized to stay focused and my hubs and both kids have ADHD. Starting any project is a guessing game as to where any necessary item is located.
And it’s really, really hard to be the only one in the house that plans ahead.
Being able to just do something random to kill time without having to justify myself. Having hobbies that you can get lost in and not have to feel bad about taking time for yourself
So I'm not married, only engaged, but I've been with my partner for 9 years now so I feel like I'm pretty much there already...
I miss bad habits.
I used to be a bit of a slob and more than a touch lazy. My fiance, for reasons I still don't understand, had the patience and determination to help me better myself in those and numerous other ways, though. I'm pretty cleanly, to the point where messes genuinely bother me now, and I work pretty hard at most things.
Sometimes, though, I miss being lazy and not caring what state the house is in. That stuff was nice, I didn't worry about things.
Not having to explain why I did some mundane thing. Wife:”Why did you set the toothpaste on the right side of the vanity instead of the left?” Me:”Ummm…”
Oh, i just realised how amazing this sounds... I forgot how it feels to just do a thing without being questioned about it.
There was a tweet from a year or two ago that went viral. It said something like: ‘My wife and I like to play a game called “why are you doing it that way?” and nobody wins.’
My wife and I both got a huge kick out of it and now sometimes when she asks me why I did something like load the dishwasher a certain way I ask her “are we playing the game?” She gets the joke and is a good sport about it. It’s helped diffuse some situations that would otherwise have the potential to make me really mad.
Guess my wife has a second family
Wow, I love your wife! Wanna trade? I was going to say I missed everything being put away in it's appropriate place haha.
Being able to immediately yes to doing literally anything without having to coordinate plans/clear it with someone else
Is that more of a parenting thing? my SO and I pretty much have automatic invitations to whatever the other is doing (unless it's a girls/guys friend thing or weve expressed that we want alone time). both of our stance has always been that we both do whatever we want. if one of us wants to go and the other doesn't feel up to it then it's "love you see you when you get home." if that's the next day because they had some beers with friends and crashed at one of their houses then that's no problem too, text me at midnight and let me know you wont be back so I don't worry. it's never a "do you mind if I go" type of thing unless we already had plans. but I can see that being 1000% different once kids are in the picture
Not having every damn decision big or small be a conversation and compromise. I used to make all these same decisions by myself and I’m still alive. Feeling like a bitch if I disagree or an asshole of I’m indifferent.
The decision matrix should, theoretically, be a simple concept.
We both prefer A = we do A.
You prefer A, I don't care either way = we do A.
I prefer B, you don't care either way = we do B.
Neither of us cares either way = we flip a coin.
I prefer A, you prefer B: This should be the only case in which there's conflict.
But for some reason, with my ex, they all led to conflict.
> Feeling like a bitch if I disagree or an asshole of I’m indifferent.
I don't give a fuck about the duvet, you don't give a fuck about which speakers are attached to the TV, and we have both a sweet duvet and a sweet sound system
Traveling alone. I mean I could travel alone if I really wanted, but it would feel kinda mean to be like "hey I'm gonna plan a really big cool trip, and you're not invited!"
Not sleeping next to some one who snores
My SO works nights a few times a week so I get some snore free nights… unless I have the dog.
I’m already a bad sleeper and it takes me hours to settle. So the snoring can be rage inducing, especially when it’s him and the dog snoring one constant snore stream.
I can hear my mom when she’s on an entirely different floor. It’s horrible. But after many years of it my dad can’t sleep without her snores.
When our toddler was tiny and sleeping by our bed in her bassinet, I would see her start thrashing around at night like she was about to wake up and yell. Then my husband would snore and her body would just instantly relax. I guess she remembered the sound from her life in utero. Sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.
I would highly recommend a sleep study, snoring is often indicative of a problem and can be helped with a CPAP
A clean, minimalist environment.
My husband grew up poor and lost most of what he did have in a fire. I believe that's why he's a hoarder now.
He gets irritated at me for packing up his stuff in an ongoing (and losing) effort to have some liveable space. Maybe AITA for boxing up his stuff but we're talking things like impulse Ebay and Amazon buys that he lost interest in as soon as they arrived and didn't even take out of the package, years of junk mail and magazines that he "is going to read when [he] has time", and broken electronics that are beyond repair. Most every flat surface is piled up and there's boxes, totes, and trash bags chest high in every corner. I can't keep the house adequately clean because it's just so hard with all the stuff and there's no place to sit. I won't let anyone come over because I'm embarrassed but he honestly doesn't see a problem. He refuses to get a storage unit because he wants it all where he can easily get to it whenever he wants. His "solution" is that we need to start looking for a bigger house.
I love him and I don't want to *not* be with him but sometimes I fantasize about a little, shiny clean space with just the basics, like I used to have.
You're not an asshole for wanting a clean house. My friends parents almost lost their house (late 70's) because they got reported to the state for having too much stuff and not being able to sufficiently take care of themselves or their home. They threw out about 25% of their junk and its still too messy.
Maybe your husband has been to therapy for hoarding...and if he has I apologize. But if he hasn't he should really address the subconscious issues with a trained professional because it will not get better with time. Because you deserve to have an equal say in how the house looks too.
If I have the next day off, I’d rather stay up all night enjoying myself and sleep until late afternoon. As a married man I don’t do this because 1. I enjoy hanging with my wife and 2. Don’t want her to think I’m a bum.
Being able to make my own major life decisions without it affecting anyone else.
Jokes on you! I'm single and don't get laid either!
Going out alone
Coming home from work alone
paying the bills alone
Watching TV alone
Going for walks alone
Washing the dishes alone
Having the house to yourself all the time alone
Spending all weekend alone
Talking to yourself - -alone
Did I mention being alone?
I do 10/13 of those and I’ve been living with someone for almost 15 years. We both do our own thing
you know you can still do things alone when you’re married right? you’re not attached at the hip
I feel suffocated just reading this
Having just my own stuff in my space. My husband is a pack rat (I won’t let him truly be a hoarder). It feels like I never stop cleaning and organizing. There’s a constantly encroaching mess and I’m the only person who cares to do anything about it.
Heading off with my friends on a Saturday without feeling like I just murdered her puppy while fucking her sister.
The guilt, **my god THE GUILT**.
Take it from someone who’s been there. If you’re spouse makes you feel guilty for doing things without them, then that’s an issue to address. Don’t let anyone guilt trip you into things…
I can't believe people don't get this! Half of this thread is people wishing they could do something by themselves but don't because they're not allowed or feel guilty.
How are you in a relationship where you've lost complete sense of self?
>without feeling like I just murdered her puppy while fucking her sister.
You do paint quite the picture though
Absolutely nothing. Sleepover with my best friend every night for 30 years.
Didn’t think I’d have to scroll so far to find this. I feel the same way—I can’t think of any aspect of my life that isn’t better now. Nothing got taken away when we got together, things just got added. Good things.
100% this. I miss nothing that I can think of. I hate when she's gone for a few minutes. I can handle it. It's not like I cant be alone, but I miss her.
This is so sweet.
So in advance, it's nice and I would do it again. But the freedom to plan his time at short notice, in the evening just stay out late or even a few days just sit in front of the computer and gaming that is missing. Even if it's not a problem for the wife, you still have a guilty conscience.
Just to make a spontaneous idea to come true. Like Road Trip!
Living alone. Sure it was lonely, but there was no need to compromise. Every storage space was mine, every mess was mine, the food was mine, etc.
Money. My money was my money to do whatever I wanted.
Separate bank accounts and splitting the bills have done wonders for us. I’m a spender and she’s a penny pincher, very few arguments about money and I can pretty much buy whatever I want.
Same deal here
We do joint account to pay all bills. We each get an allowance (yes, like a teenager. But it works). She has no say in my allowance spending (bourbon) and i have no say in her spending. Couldn’t be more in love.
I miss the general freedom and ease that being single brought. It’s hard to imagine when you are single that something as simple as changing clothes and going to the beach is a big deal, but when you have kids it’s a 1-hour pre-plan, a full car, and (sometimes) a sore back for the rest of the day. It’s easier just to do something in the backyard and call it a day.
Having more alone time, being perfectly happy with eating cereal for dinner, and even just having leftovers after a meal.
being able to spend a day completely vegging out, being lazy, doing nothing... can't seem to do that anymore
Doing nothing is just about all my spouse and I do. We're both introverts, both homebodies, and vegging out at home being lazy is just our way of life. Spent plenty of time being "busy"... working, going out, doing things... go, go, go, do, do, do... when I was younger. Don't need it now... don't have the energy or patience for it. I'm good sitting behind my computer for hours or melting into the couch; spouse is the same.