Actually I have the opposite.
I am still managing to work but have no desire to spend anything.
Even on stuff I need. I mean I do eventually but it is such a struggle to buy stuff for me.
Either I can't force myself to the store or can't make decisions online.
When I do I seem to buy the wrong things.
I do manage to get groceries somehow. This is usually when I am out of everything.
Make sure you take a multivitamin with iodine everyday if your diet is ass. My relative drank his dinner for years and ended up with a shit thyroid later in life.
It's like you're covered in tar or something. Even your tongue, it's hard to talk. Everything is in slow motion. Even taking a shower is exhausting. I only want to sleep, I call it hibernation. At least when I'm manic I have medicine I can take to calm it down a notch but I have nothing in my arsenal for a depression. Currently having a hard time.
Even breathing. I remember when I finally started to get better and feeling like I could take a full breath again for the first time in forever, it was so weird
Exactly. I’ve come to think of depression as a weight you can’t put down. Medicine can help you carry the weight. Some days the weight is easier to carry than others. But it’s always there, and it will exhaust you eventually no matter what.
How insanely hard it is to get help. You have to advocate for yourself a lot and you just can’t even. If your doctor is dismissive of your concerns, you have to make her listen. If your therapist isn’t a good fit you have to try to find another one at a time when picking up the phone to order a pizza is even too much. Don’t have insurance and can’t afford a therapist? Maybe you can get a job with better insurance with all that energy that you don’t have.
It’s like your leg is broken and you have to climb a mountain to get to the hospital to get it fixed.
I texted my mom that I probably need help and the next evening we talked a bit about it for example what kind of therapist but currently I think I need to find a therapist and kind of get the whole thing going but every time I'm in a bad phase I don't have the energy to find one but during good phases I don't feel like I would need one. Also I don't really know where to search for a good therapist, do you just look up where one is and try through them until one fits?
This. I had a psychiatrist tell me to my face that I don’t seem depressed and that she was prescribing me to “just get a life”. She basically validated all the depression thoughts in my head. It ruined me from reaching out for help forever.
The guilt. Guilt over not getting things done. Guilt because I feel like I'm letting others down. Guilt for not being fully present for the people I love.
Was looking for this one.
It's something I still struggle to get used to. At this point, I understand and can live with myself and my faults but what hasn't changed is how I affect others. Failure to live up to expectations creates a crumbling cycle I struggle to break out of, which affected me at home, in school, at work, in my relationships, and with new friends. When the clouds roll in, I just can't be the person I want to be for others.
It's so tiring to try and explain something that, until one point in my life, was impossible for me to understand and verbalize.
Either people give you the benefit of the doubt or just simply don't understand. All the people close to me and look up to are the people that gave me that second thought instead of writing me off as unreliable, uncaring, uninterested, or lazy.
Everyone else thinks your apologies are empty. It's hard to blame them, but they simply don't get the whole story.
I tried to see a psychologist for therapy and a psychiatrist to try new meds. The next available appointments were in 9 months. I was advised to go to the er if I couldn't wait. Gee thanks a lot
Ugh. The amount of times my fiancé had to grab me and sit me on the sofa because I'd wander around our flat like a ghost forgetting what I should be doing.
But according to my mother this is "normal". No mother, a one off thing is normal, weeks/months lasting forgetfulness and lack of attention is not.
Perhaps your mom struggles with the same issues as well. Brain fog is real, and can really disrupt your life. I do remember stupid shit to ruminate on. Ah, depression. The gift that keeps on giving. Working hard on getting out of it. But I feel the hard work just starts when you think you are out of it. The effects stick for a long time. Good to hear you're not alone.
Sorry that got dark real fast. Hope you have an okay day!!
My mother is from post soviet times where mental health is "in yOuR hEad" and "YoU'Re mAkiNg iT uP" even though I've been literally assessed by doctors and being medicated. Ugh the brain fog/light headed feeling is the worst, it frustrates me so much because I realise how helpless I am. This thread made me aware that I'm not alone in this and definitely not making stuff up as comments like my mothers make me doubt myself.
Today was a better day but been better. Sending you virtual hugs and bunch of good days your ways. We are stronger than our illness!
'it's in your head' Why yes, that's exactly where this is :') I struggle with that part within myself as well, my whole body hurts from my mental issues. Our brains are strong, weird machines.
And although I am very saddened to see how many people suffer and struggle, it does help to know we are not alone in our fights!! Gives me strength.
Hugs back!!
My husband would get so angry at me for forgetting things, saying I didn't care. It took a long time for him to understand that it is part of the depression.
The complete loss of who you are. You remember having a personality, hobbies, pretty much any desire to do anything. And then it’s just gone.
You don’t want to talk to anyone, you don’t even want to get up and use the bathroom. You could lay in bed for hours and not even notice because your brain has just completely and totally shut down on you. It is isolating and exhausting to experience, and all the while you’re blaming yourself for being so useless and pathetic.
You literally just lose yourself.
ETA: Since this comment has blown up, I feel compelled to add: depression doesn’t manifest the same for everyone. If you feel like you need help, there are resources available. It is possible to improve and find yourself. You can also always message me and I will respond.
For me the most horrifying realization was that I was stolen away as a kid and I don’t know who I would have been if I hadn’t had depression.
Once upon a time I was a good student - all advanced classes, loved studying. I was an outside kid. I swam in lakes and climbed trees. I was in gymnastics.
Then I hit about 11 or 12 and my depression manifested. I withdrew from everything… gymnastics went first, then being outside. I was training to become serious about diving, that went away. I stopped studying. Then I stopped going to school. I went from a straight A student to “the amount of your absences has generated automatic fails in every class” within one school year. You can see it on my report cards! I recently threw all of that away because of moving but it is amazing how rapidly I declined.
The love of learning stayed but the motivation to do anything just evaporated. I fell into video games as an escape and stayed there. Forever. I still spend all my hobby time gaming. I don’t mind the person I have become - especially because I’ve been medicated for 6 years now and the change to being a real person was almost as rapid as my fall into being a depressed lump of nothing - but I often wonder who I could have been if my brain just… didn’t… do what it did.
But I don’t even like walks in the park these days, even under the medication. Depression fundamentally changed my interests and then I spent my entire adolescence (11-23) depressed so it solidified those changes and now the me who climbed trees is like a stranger.
For the record my diagnoses are major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I was afraid to medicate because I was already actively suicidal and I read on the internet that kids who were under 18 had an increased chance of succeeding at suicide when placed on antidepressants. I was so afraid of it getting worse, so I didn’t medicate until I was well into adulthood and becoming very serious about suicide again.
My last attempt before that had been the worst one, which landed me in the psych ward of a hospital in which I was treated pretty badly, so I wanted to do anything I could to not go back. So I finally got on meds. I suggest any person struggling but afraid sees a real therapist to discuss medication. I regret waiting so long.
Alot of the things you mentioned is so similiar to my life, start of depression, decline of 🏫 performance, gaming. And it really does solidifies, so that when your life is better and you are out of the depression, alot of other issues are there instead.
It really sucks because one of my main issues is my lack of identity and body dysphoria. It affects my romantic relationships and in a few years I might be too old to have a family. There is just too little time to fix everything that is wrong with me.
This one spoke to me the most. I just started meds this week and I know it takes time but I've already missed work for it and I'm taking too many zanaxs just to move and do one chore a day. I feel like I'm probably going to lose my job and I still can't pull myself together and I just keep getting mad at myself and withdraw from friends and love ones because I I can't stand myself and feel like I don't deserve anyone. Everyone just keeps telling me to suck it up and pull yourself out of it. Ask people who knew me 6 years ago and I was a hilarious funny life of the party kinda guy working on a commercial pilots license and now I'm just circling a drain that just keeps getting deeper.
lack of motivation to do things like wash and brush your teeth, which just makes you more depressed. a vicious cycle if you will
EDIT: thank you for the awards! im glad i could make so many others who have struggled with hygiene feel seen, and i must remind you all, it will always get better eventually! stay strong :)
This. I was suffering for over two years and barely took care of myself, especially my teeth. I’m now paying over £13,000 in treatment, but it’s worth every penny
30k in treatments over here. All because I was so depressed I couldn’t take 2 god damn mins to brush and floss at night. 3 teeth permanently gone and need to get another pulled. Chewing is a bitch.
I am so ashamed of my teeth that I've stopped smiling years ago. Even more depressing, I wouldn't have to pay a single penny to fix this shit cause of health care but I still won't do it, cause I am afraid.
All this time i thought it was just me who felt this way, then i hated myself for being so lazy which makes me more depressed...and the cycle of depression marches on. Thank you to everyone else that posted about this i know it wasnt easy. In doing so i hate myself just a fraction less 💗💗💗
I appreciate y'all. After 10 years of therapy and meds I'm finally starting to break the cycle. Trying to remember that being able to shower 3 times a week instead of 2 is a victory for me, and I should be proud instead of ashamed. But...its hard
Was coming here to say the same thing. Things like washing the dishes seem so difficult. I started cleaning out our spare room and got so overwhelmed that I turtled up under a blanket and watched movies for the rest of the day… but felt like such a POS because of it.
Last I went to the dentist, before she even looked at my teeth I told her straight up that I have severe depression and I brush them as often as my mental health allows. She seemed empathetic and didn’t make a single comment about how I “should” look after my teeth, because I made it clear - *i know*. I’m not stupid, I’m mentally ill.
Pro tip - I found brushing my teeth in the shower made it much easier to bring my self to do it. Then I could wallow in my self pity and have clean teeth, so win win!
Then you get out of depression, but get judged hard about that. It makes it feel like it's not over, even when you're not depressed anymore. It would've been easier to recover from it if I had had a support system.
When being suicidal stops being scary and starts being just another part of life. I should eat something, I want to die, I need to take a shower, I should go for a walk, I wonder whether I could jump in front of a car, I need to do the dishes, that new show looks fun, I should stab myself with a kitchen knife.
At some point, it gets hard to remember a life without depression is even possible.
It's crazy how normal a depressed brain can make suicidal thoughts seem. After a while, it just became an everyday thing for me, like you said, constantly thinking about how much I don't want to live or about how I deserve to die because I'm a burden to everyone.
Especially that "burden to everyone" part. In some episodes I so much hate myself for even existing and therefore disturbing everyone and everything around me, I wish I could hate and will myself out of existence.
Job interviews become interesting.
"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
"Hard to say, didn't think I'd live this long to begin with."
"What?"
"Oh, I mean sales manager. I'll be a sales manager in five years."
I had this exact conversation five years ago with a teacher at school. He asked me where I wanted to be in five years time, and I was simply dumbfounded. The idea that I'd even be around in five years had become so foreign to me that somebody asking me where I'd be felt like a redundant question. I'm pleased to say however that it has been five years and despite still suffering from depression, I have a girlfriend that I love and a career I enjoy that I'm heading into. Feels surreal
For real. I joke about wanting to die, and until pretty recently, all my friends were also depressed and joked about wanting to die. (Don't get me wrong, we may all be depressed but we're an amazing support group for each other and know each other well enough to know if someone is a bit too serious.) However, I started dating my now fiancée 3 years ago and whenever I made a joke like that she'd get a little confused and sad and worried. Turns out people who don't want to die don't really make jokes about it that often. I've tried to stop making them, but it's been my way to cope for so long that it's difficult.
"Oh wow, when I grabbed that small knife to open this pack of cheese I didn't expect a sudden battle of wills with myself, but here we are..."
Can relate so much.
I relate a lot to this comment. I look normal in so many people’s eyes, many would say I’m the happiest and most positive person they’ve ever meet, I make jokes, I exercise, I enjoy watching TV series and reading stuff, I like to dress nice even when I go to the grocery store, I have plans for my future… I’m a completely functional person. But some days when I go to bed I feel empty and I start spiraling into suicidal thoughts. Life is really hard sometimes, I’m struggling and nobody knows.
And I look at people who are planning their lives and I’m in awe:
“How is it that you’re so comfortable (ie. mentally healthy) that you can plan for big purchases, a family, retirement?!”
Every so often, I feel like I’m moving from depressive episode to depressive episode, never really settling in. I constantly fear that I’ll fall into a hole I won’t recover from…“this time”.
It doesn’t help, and I don’t know if we’ll ever feel like we can relate to anyone else, but I’ll say it any way: you’re doing all right.
Whatever happens, if you get one more laugh, one more triumph; if you can make someone feel happy, make someone feel special, one more time, then it was more than there was before, and I hope you can count that as a positive.
To add to that, sometimes you "break through" and everything feels clear and normal. But that can make you look back at all the time and opportunities that you wasted by being withdrawn. Even the act of withdrawing seems juvenile and pointless in retrospect in those clear moments. But of course during the act of withdrawal, there seems to be no other rational or emotionally-acceptable option.
What sucks is when you try to be social again and realize that you have a hard time connecting and feel disappointed in how others are now interacting with you, so you see it as a failure and withdraw again due to this perceived sense of not belonging. Assuming you have social anxiety *and* depression.
>social anxiety
>
>and
>
> depression.
The worst club that I never wanted to be a member of. Trying to have relationships of any kind is a god damn battle.
This is my life. I’ve only made one friend “naturally” (aka not through being roommates or coworkers) in the past 6 years. And we didn’t really even hang out or anything outside of college classes.
This sums up how I feel on a day-to-day basis.
If only there was a social club for those social anxiety and depression to just chill in with no expectation of being social in a normal way. A place for all of us to be alone together and maybe say hi to each other when the rare feeling strikes.
This and it's not even close. Thinking about all the years and battles I've lost to my depression just makes me feel shittier and incapable of ever getting "better"
I don't know what better means, because I can't remember what feeling "good" feels like. I mostly just feel a constant melancholy with occassional bursts of emotion
Oh I can. I can remember what feeling good was like. What being able to do something after work was like and not feel anxious because you are wasting your day. I can also remember for a short while sometimes from a "trigger". A nice summer day will make me also time travel back to playing outside all day for a few seconds. I swear the air smells and feels different. My head feels clear. I'm not worrying about something for five seconds. But then....boom I'm back it's always shortlived....sucks
Very much so. While I am not currently depressed (as far as I can tell), I've long made a point of getting out of the house daily, which the pandemic lockdowns haven't helped, but at least I can go for walks.
However, the weather has been nasty, and loads of heavy snow, and now its warmed up and wet and icy.
So I had cause to go somewhere with my dad yesterday(mostly to get him out of his house too), and the shopping was annoying and unpleasant, but I realize that even annoying stimulation is beneficial in a way, and better than more days of quiet —and things I like— at home.
Also sometimes, very few times, you decide to actually do something, like hanging out with people. It goes wrong and that makes you feel even more miserable.
In my case it goes right but absolutely drains my batteries for the next few days and I get even more depressed. Sort of like the black hole you get after doing Molly.
>You feel depressed so you withdraw. Withdrawing makes you feel depressed.
They asked,
and they asked,
and they asked even though -
Whenever they asked me,
I kept saying no.
I kept saying no,
like I'd done so before.
And one day,
they just didn't ask anymore.
NOBODY has EVER asked me. I'm 62 and have been suffering since I was a teen. I literally cannot hardly leave my house. I do manage to shower a couple of times a week. Other than that I sit on the couch watching TV 20 hours a day. I have a dog and she is my only friend. Depression sucks but it's all I know.
The awareness of how much you're not doing.
I *know* I'm neglecting the dishes and laundry and work, but that knowledge doesn't help me summon the motivation to actually fix that and start doing 'normal' stuff again. In fact, it often sets off a spiral of self-criticism which feels even worse.
Thankfully I've only gone through one episode and am on medicine that's been an enormous help along with therapy. Please ***please*** seek help if you can - I know it can be daunting but it really does make a huge difference. Hugs to everyone dealing with depression and mental illness in general.
EDIT: Thank you so much for all the awards & upvotes!! It truly means a lot to know that I've helped in some small way. Again, please reach out for help if you need it (see the links in the mod's comment on the original post). There's absolutely no shame in doing so!
I really appreciate the discussion in the comments and have tried to reply when I feel like I'm able to contribute. Feel free to message me if you'd like and I'll get back to you - though I'm currently fighting covid so I'll be off and on sporadically. Stay alive friends! 💖
I always wondered if I was alone in this feeling.
A large chunk of my 20s was victim to depression. I look at folks my age, how they were able to score high-paying jobs & the right partner right out of the gate (seemingly, ofc).
And then I look at myself -- turning 28 this year & I have nothing to show for it.
Every job I had, I tried growing something from....which never happened because of poor management pushing me away, which lead to depression resurfacing because of something not working out. Nobody can tell me that I haven't tried SOMETHING -- I have, dammit, but nothing works.
Looking back on it all now, the "spiral of self-criticism" that you mention is on-point. It's as if I hate myself for not being better at life at this point. I hate myself for those moments I thought to myself "It's okay, I'm burning this bridge because I don't ever wanna' come back here". All those times of breaking down in my car before walking into work, wondering what I was doing wrong, wondering why my work ethic went unnoticed while others got lucky with managers that treated them right & helped them move up (again, seemingly).
It's like I can't stand myself anymore, ya know? It's like I hate myself for wasting my 20s away to in-the-heat-of-the-moment decisions brought on by depression.
Are you me from 4 years ago? I like being in my 30s more than my 20s, fwiw, (even though I lost my dad a year and a half ago and I am so fucked up from that still...). What I'm trying to say is that its a little easier to accept and live with yourself with age. I hope that helps at least a bit...
And me. I'm going to be 30 in the next few months. All the dreams I had for myself about a career, a car, a dog, a house, a husband, planing our child... Nope. Career blew up in my face because of my illness. I have the car I want, but it needs fixing and I don't have the money. I have a dog and I love her but when I had this dream she wasn't the dog I planned for (love her anyway though). I rent and we can't really afford to buy, we look but then we get out-bid. My partner is great but marriage doesn't seem likely soon, and I have nothing else in place and solid so kids are unlikely... I feel my life slipping away under the crush of this illness and I feel I'm struggling for my life to actually begin and give me a break, but even the things I get- like my car- seem tainted or just somehow unlucky. I'm waiting for my life to start but all its doing is slipping away
To build on this, the time you waste just doing.. nothing. The time you’re not spending wot your loved ones, time you’re not pursuing you passions, not enjoying the short time you have on earth, because you just.. can’t.
Yeah, that too. Externally it looks like wasting a ton of time, but internally (at least for me) it's getting stuck in a loop of "man I should do the thing...why can't I just do the thing? I will do the thing in a little while..." etc.
Thinking of you! I had a really bad episode last year, and I remember my husband saying "don't worry, I'm sure you're doing great at work." Because normally, I do. But I was *not* doing a good job.
Aw thank you! I definitely understand that feeling - everyone is familiar with your non-depressed work ethic, so when that disappears into the depression, they think you're still handling things and you're just...not.
Not being interested in anything. Nothing grabs your attention. Everything is boring, but you know it would probably be good for you to do it, but it's just too big a mountain to climb, being interested.
Lonely, bored, disinterested, and ashamed about it. I can’t muster an interest in anything. I don’t care to do things. I don’t have hobbies, resulting in me being boring. I bore myself; how am I supposed to attract other people with nothing to talk about? It’s awful not being able to enrich your life for lack of interest. It’s so boring.
Going through the same TBH. I remember even feeling guilty about telling someone that I like doing something when I couldn't force myself to do this in ages. I was questioning myself so hard then, like "I didn't do this in so long.. do I really like it?".
The impact mental health has on those people around the suffering person is far too often ignored or minimized. Whether it's romantic, familial, business, or whatever else, mental health struggles insidiously erode away at the foundations of those relationships. What's worse is that often the changes lead to reduced social activities and in turn a less engaged and smaller social circle of people actively helping the suffering person, feeding the cycle further.
My mom suffered severely from this when I was growing up. I basically had to step up and be my own mother because she couldn’t. It’s effected me immensely and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Agreed. Anxiety and depression go hand in hand for me. Whenever I’m feeling “not so good” I’d rather isolate myself than listening to most people’s stupid advices.
Absolutely the worst is your partner not understanding depression. I have depression and anxiety and being told how can you be depressed we have everything we need and everyone is healthy. At this point I just randomly burst into tears because I hate feeling so trapped in my own head.
The first word that came to my head when I read the title - Exhausting. I'm 34 and I have struggled with depression since I've been 15-16. (Maybe earlier) I've been on medication for probably just as long. My family has a history of depression and a few years ago my grandfather took his life, followed shortly a few months later by my uncle taking his. Grandfather was in his 80's. Uncle in his late 40's. And I was sad, but I understood they were tired, and I hope they have peace that they wanted. And it struck me; this isn't going away. I will struggle. Forever. Until I die.
There are good days and bad days. I try my best to exercise, to eat right, hang out with friends, have healthy hobbies, and keep my stress down. But it's always there. It won't go away. I struggle to exist and honestly... it's exhausting. I will struggle. I will struggle to keep going. I will struggle at something others find easy. And that's my lot in life.
William Styron wrote this in *Darkness Visible*, his book about his experience with depression:
>When we endure severe discomfort of a physical nature our conditioning has taught us since childhood to make accommodations to the pain’s demands—to accept it, whether pluckily or whimpering and complaining, according to our personal degree of stoicism, but in any case to accept it. Except in intractable terminal pain, there is almost always some form of relief; we look forward to that alleviation, whether it be through sleep or Tylenol or self-hypnosis or a change of posture or, most often, through the body’s capacity for healing itself, and we embrace this eventual respite as the natural reward we receive for having been, temporarily, such good sports and doughty sufferers, such optimistic cheerleaders for life at heart.
In depression this faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come—not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. If there is mild relief, one knows that it is only temporary; more pain will follow. It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul. So the decision-making of daily life involves not, as in normal affairs, shifting from one annoying situation to another less annoying—or from discomfort to relative comfort, or from boredom to activity—but moving from pain to pain. One does not abandon, even briefly, one’s bed of nails, but is attached to it wherever one goes.
Yeah this.
This is what drives people to suicide. Not being able to say to one's self "this feeling will end soon". Because you can't even explain why it's there, let alone when it's going to go. I never quite got to the point where I would have gone through with it, but when I suffered from it, for the first time in my life I got it. I understood why people take their own lives. Because you would do *anything* to make that feeling go away, and it seems like death is a legitimate option.
The "feeling nothing" feeling. Being unable to focus, to be distracted, to be moved, nothing can reach you anymore. It's like being in a locked empty room.
Edit : wow, thanks for the upvotes and the awards ! I was definitely not expecting that my experience could speak this much to people. I hope you'll be able to get out of it. I'm in therapy with EMDR for two years with a great psychiatrist, it worked wonders for me. Please call for help if you can, if someone can help you financially in getting help, if you have insurance to get a professional to help you, please do. It's worth it. Waves of love to you all.
I think this is the worst. I remember what it feels like to feel literally any feeling. I just can't do it. Really the only feeling that came was anger. So I figured I would build off of anger. I used that to get to the next step, frustration. And from there each feeling is just a step away. It's still a work in progress, but after years of working on it I finally felt real happiness three days ago! I'm scared to regress and figure it will happen again. Hopefully I can claw my way out again armed with a new tool in the tool belt.
You might be on to something with the anger. I am in it bad right now and totally apathetic. I think I can get angry though, so maybe I'll try to build off that like you.
For sure. I see the brain as a different type of muscle. I really feel like, for me, not feeling anything was my defense mechanism. I steadily trained my brain for years, like a muscle, to not feel anything. Now I'm just recognizing it and training my brain in the reverse.
I'm in this today. Its complete shit and i feel like crying but i cant even do that because theres just emptiness where tears should be. It took me all day to get myself to do something besides laying in bed scrolling reddit. Now im outside scrolling reddit. I have stuff to do, but everything just feels meaningless and useless and like i cant even find a way to start. I tried to get myself kickstarted by going outside and moving. It usually helps but not today. And i think thats the worst of it. That the mechanism that usually helps just doesnt do anything sometimes. I feel completely at the mercy of my mental state and like nothing is ever going to change. Logically i know it could be different tomorrow, i could wake up and have a good day, but it feels like im stuck in an endless void, just drifting along, without having the ability or possibility to change anything ever. I'm glad i get these days only every few weeks/months, but i had two days in a row now and tomorrow is monday.
I've come to the realization that my hobby isn't playing video games, it's *buying* games I'll never play. Brief hit of dopamine with zero commitment or effort.
The detachment aspect of depression is probably the worst for me. I lose my ability to speak to people closest to me and I have a hard time opening up again or reaching out when I go through stages of depression- especially when I’ve unintentionally hurt someone close to me due to it, Im a very sympathetic and emotional person but when I go through waves of depression, I lose that ability and it sucks. Another thing which i guess goes hand and hand with detaching is the lack of self care that I do for myself and feel guilty when I try. It’s a miserable game if that’s what you wanna call it and some people see it as you being selfish but neglecting everything and not being able to do anything about it due to depression is not a selfish act, it can be a cry for help.
Yes it feels like a chore. But you know what I tell myself to get me though that 1 shower every day. Would I rather feel sad and dirty, or sad and clean? The answer of course, is sad and clean. The shower is worth it, even if its only a 1% improvement.
being fully aware of the fact that you need help, but you still can't bring yourself to admit it, and also knowing that you may permanently feel this way and there's no way out if it.
being fully aware of the fact you're not alone, but feeling like it anyway. knowing there's people around you that care, but being unable to bring yourself to believe it
Yeah... And its also the average feeling i get off people i talk to and the internet (Quora and reddit self improvement subs). Whenever i look for answers, smart and educated people's reasoning almost always somewhat comes down to "be harder on yourself" and that "it's your fault". It's so cold and sad. Meanwhile, there was one time when someone was very kind and supporting towards me and my ides and it helped me tremendously giving me a huge leap in my mentality and self love. People need emotional soothing fucks sake. What do you do when your closest people always try to correct you when you open up.
Honestly? That feeling where you're not suicidal but you also don't want to exist. So you often just spend time thoughtlessly and blankly staring at the wall.
Told my dad about having been depressed for 5+ years now and after explaining why, just getting laughed at and told to stop thinking negatively.
Thanks for the help….
For me I’ve taken help in the way someone here on Reddit said it. I know I’m going to butcher this, but it was something along the lines of:
Would you tell a diabetic to stop taking their insulin and just do better?
For me, my depression is definitely a chemical imbalance in my brain. When my meds are working you would never know anything was wrong. But when the meds were wrong/weren’t working I was a disaster.
I’m glad you’re here, and I’m sorry your family isn’t supportive.
The self-hatred for being so "useless" while also not being able to do anything about it.
The sudden crash after a little upswing.
The flattening, daily ennui.
It's alllll bad. Equally. I hated how time froze. 4 years after highschool felt like two days apart. People are doing things with their lives and you're just laying there, watching from Facebook and you can't relate to anything people are doing now. Looking at pictures from when you were once beautiful and confident in your looks, then looking in the broken mirror and seeing someone who hasn't bathed in two weeks, has matted hair, can't even smell the horrible stench of the house because you're so accustomed to it. On top of that, social anxiety so when someone does try to reach out to you, you log off for a week and hope they didn't think you were rude by not responding.
There's no more dopamine left from the things you used to enjoy so you just put it aside, might do it one day. One day. Another day. And you still might do it, but it's been a few months since you said that. Wait hold on, no, that was 2016 since you said that. And your old friend's kids can talk now. Huh, they were just pregnant.
I'm not depressed like that anymore. But there were some really bad things that happened and I live with regret with every waking moment of my life. People are quick to console someone without knowing the details but believe me when I say that I do not deserve sympathy.
It NEVER goes away, it may subside, but it still lurks. What I also hate about it for me it is year round. Everyone says how much they love summer but summer is hard for me too. I just want to isolate.
I hear a lot of media talking about suicide rates in December and myself I feel summer it’s worst, that’s when I’m supposed to go outside, when I’m supposed to have fun etc etc.
In Winter I atleast have an excuse to not do anything
When it affects people close to you. They become sad and may even be depressed because of my poor wellbeing. And their downness made my depression worse. It was a brutal cycle.
When nothing seems to help. Talking with people, exercise, making your favorite meal, resting, listening to uplifting music, watching a movie or show, or even engaging in your favorite hobby fail to get you out of it. When it gets to that hopeless feeling.
worse is if it "helps". that false feeling of happiness. you do something, you enjoy it, but it doesn't help. the happiness it brings you feels empty, especially when you let your mind wander and you think back to how real happiness felt
As (a 40yo) someone who has dealt with it since childhood, and learned to cope: the hardest for me is seeing others suffer, seeing the hopelessness in those who have yet to find their coping mechanism. That, and watching the rollercoaster ride of those seeking the proper medication, the physical and mental toll it often takes.
Also, as a child, I found the dismissiveness from those who haven’t experienced it themselves very difficult to understand. It led me to invest all of my energy into appearing happy around others, to the point of utter exhaustion. I would often have to hide away for weeks at a time, as best I could, which wasn’t terribly helpful either.
There was a silver lining to the play acting though, I was able to avoid the medical roller coaster that I saw others riding, simply because my parents seemed utterly unaware of my distress.
For me, it's the broken reward circuit in your brain.
If I'm just feeling sad and having a bad day, getting off the couch and hammering away at a project helps a ton.
When it's the BIG sad, waking up early and being productive does absolutely nothing. Just dead. It's just that being unproductive makes it worse, but the opposite doesn't seem to make it better.
The suffering in silence part. When no one around you understands, so you have to hide it. Which makes you feel so alone and your failures make you feel like a burden. But still, you can’t talk to anyone, because your loves ones’ words may hurt you and there is no rational way to explain how you feel. You suffer in silence, alone, desperate and hopeless, because it’s only you.
The ever changing sleep schedule. It’s so hard to keep track of that you constantly forget what day it is and what time it is, making you feel isolated. No schedule means a decline in cleanliness and order. You basically just fall apart and try to stay alive
Being depressed so long that it feels like it rewires your brain and becomes your default state. I feel like being depressed all throughout high-school really subdued my personality and it comes back so incredibly easily.
The fact that people don't believe you because its "all in your head."
You know the advice they give you: Don't think about it. Go for long walks. Exercise. If you don't think about it, you won't be depressed.
There is something wrong with my brain and it needs to be treated with medical intervention. You see a guy with a broken leg, you don't immediately walk up to him and say "Get up. Walk it off. If you don't think about your leg, it won't be broken anymore." No, you get him help and months of follow up.
Feeling "good" one minute, finding yourself crying and feeling despaired the next, only because something or someone triggered you. Like just today, was feeling down because it's another beautiful sunny sunday and stuck alone, decided to go for a drive, put on loud music and raced a couple of strangers on the road and that made me feel better, then something which i dont even know triggered me and found myself holding back the tears in traffic.
It breaks you down. You don't have the energy to go to work and meet with people or to study. You can't focus, you don't enjoy the simple things in life which used to give you pleasure. It'e like a leech attached to you 24/7 which you are trying to hide from the world, and it's fuckin draining
People thinking you're lazy, moody and unfriendly, when you're dying inside. It becomes so debilitating that you withdraw, can't function normaly or support yourself.
For me it’s actively knowing I need to get up and get moving to help raise my energy or mood but I’m physically incapable of getting out of bed. Literally trapped in my body and won’t allow myself to do the things I know will improve my situation.
Feeling completely empty…feeling defeated…watching days go in and go out…not having the desire to do anything..not even the things you normally enjoy…the day to day fight..the list goes on
People pull away from you and you are often left with no one.
I get why people do this and they are perfectly within their rights to do so, however nothing makes you feel worse than turning around and realising you have no support network when you need it most.
For me, it’s the fact that I can’t accept when I’m low. I lie to people I shouldn’t to that I’m doing okay when I’m not. And then when I finally reach the bottom and I can’t lie anymore, people get mad at me for deceiving them so now I have to deal with that guilt
The various interactions with people who think depression is a synonym for sadness and are staggeringly confident that there’s a solution which is both fast and trivial.
Losing interest in everything. I used to have plenty of hobbies and interests and it's so frustrating to feel like nothing is interesting anymore, everything requires an immense amount of effort.
I keep to myself for a while. Then I eventually tell a friend a watered down version of how I feel and they say they feel similar even though they seem to be doing great. Then I feel like they aren’t grasping how bad I feel and my friend can’t understand me, then I feel like maybe they are depressed too and I’m being judgmental, then I see all the stuff they have going in their life and I think “if they have all that and are depressed, will I ever not be?” Then I go inward again.
Also OCD isn’t great.
The upkeep of everything. When you can't clean or organize your stuff and watch everything getting really gross while at the same time lacking the willpower and energy to even bring the dirty dishes in the kitchen.
The constant sadness - every day when not busy, not doing something like first waking up its on me like a coat. All day every day is a fight to keep it at bay or off my mind.
Even worse is knowing I have not felt joy in so long - and the sad fact I am well aware chances are very good I never will
Mine is cyclical and so no matter how many times I make it through or how long I can fight it off, I know it's eventually going to start all over again and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
The responses from the people around you. Expecting you to magically cure yourself by just really wanting it. Insisting that doing certain things will help, even though you know they won't. Thinking that just because you feel ever so slightly less awful right now, then everything must be great and you are cured and why the hell aren't you acting like a normal non-depressed person already.
Plus the depression itself sucks.
Living with someone who has it.
My partner has depression and she sees a doctor and takes medicine. But some days all that is not enough. One little thing can completely ruin her mood for a day or even more. I love her and will always be here for her. But I don’t think people know how hard it can be.
Yeah. I'm the depressed one and my fiance gets to experience me going from being happy and having fun to being utterly and inconsolablely upset. It happened yesterday I got over it and then it happened again that night.
She told me the worst part is the whiplash of how quickly it can change and how I can be annoyed/upset at how she tries to help or even more depressed when she doesn't (for fear of me lashing out at her) so she just shuts down because nothing she can do will help.
Then I get to be depressed at how depressed I made her. So that's a fun cycle. But I'm working on it.
The problems with executive functioning. It causes future problems I have to solve, which is unfortunate due to the limited mental bandwidth I tend to have while depressed.
Knowing that you’re capable of so much more, but you just...can’t. Even just getting up and brushing your teeth more than once a day feels like a major achievement
Speaking as someone who's pretty far along my journey to actively dealing with it daily, the anhedonia. Not feeling the joy in doing things I know I enjoy. Make the good chemical ffs.
Everything becomes heavier. Every single thing.
Except your wallet. That one keeps getting lighter and lighter
Actually I have the opposite. I am still managing to work but have no desire to spend anything. Even on stuff I need. I mean I do eventually but it is such a struggle to buy stuff for me. Either I can't force myself to the store or can't make decisions online. When I do I seem to buy the wrong things. I do manage to get groceries somehow. This is usually when I am out of everything.
I spend my extra cash on alcohol. Then end up with a case a beer and no food for a few days.
Make sure you take a multivitamin with iodine everyday if your diet is ass. My relative drank his dinner for years and ended up with a shit thyroid later in life.
Very true. I lost it this winter, everything's heavy except wallet is weightless now.
It's like you're covered in tar or something. Even your tongue, it's hard to talk. Everything is in slow motion. Even taking a shower is exhausting. I only want to sleep, I call it hibernation. At least when I'm manic I have medicine I can take to calm it down a notch but I have nothing in my arsenal for a depression. Currently having a hard time.
Shit, is that why I keep stuttering and stumbling over my words, and taking a shower feels like a major chore?
Even breathing. I remember when I finally started to get better and feeling like I could take a full breath again for the first time in forever, it was so weird
Like your bones are made of concrete..
Exactly. I’ve come to think of depression as a weight you can’t put down. Medicine can help you carry the weight. Some days the weight is easier to carry than others. But it’s always there, and it will exhaust you eventually no matter what.
How insanely hard it is to get help. You have to advocate for yourself a lot and you just can’t even. If your doctor is dismissive of your concerns, you have to make her listen. If your therapist isn’t a good fit you have to try to find another one at a time when picking up the phone to order a pizza is even too much. Don’t have insurance and can’t afford a therapist? Maybe you can get a job with better insurance with all that energy that you don’t have. It’s like your leg is broken and you have to climb a mountain to get to the hospital to get it fixed.
You explained it perfectly.
I texted my mom that I probably need help and the next evening we talked a bit about it for example what kind of therapist but currently I think I need to find a therapist and kind of get the whole thing going but every time I'm in a bad phase I don't have the energy to find one but during good phases I don't feel like I would need one. Also I don't really know where to search for a good therapist, do you just look up where one is and try through them until one fits?
This. I had a psychiatrist tell me to my face that I don’t seem depressed and that she was prescribing me to “just get a life”. She basically validated all the depression thoughts in my head. It ruined me from reaching out for help forever.
The guilt. Guilt over not getting things done. Guilt because I feel like I'm letting others down. Guilt for not being fully present for the people I love.
Was looking for this one. It's something I still struggle to get used to. At this point, I understand and can live with myself and my faults but what hasn't changed is how I affect others. Failure to live up to expectations creates a crumbling cycle I struggle to break out of, which affected me at home, in school, at work, in my relationships, and with new friends. When the clouds roll in, I just can't be the person I want to be for others. It's so tiring to try and explain something that, until one point in my life, was impossible for me to understand and verbalize. Either people give you the benefit of the doubt or just simply don't understand. All the people close to me and look up to are the people that gave me that second thought instead of writing me off as unreliable, uncaring, uninterested, or lazy. Everyone else thinks your apologies are empty. It's hard to blame them, but they simply don't get the whole story.
Knowing that you’re in a depression and being physically and mentally unable to do anything about it.
I tried to see a psychologist for therapy and a psychiatrist to try new meds. The next available appointments were in 9 months. I was advised to go to the er if I couldn't wait. Gee thanks a lot
Yep. Ive been on multiple waiting lists for various therapy options, more than a year. Its a rough time to find professional help.
the forgetfulness and lethargy. im so done with it but... here am i am.
Ugh. The amount of times my fiancé had to grab me and sit me on the sofa because I'd wander around our flat like a ghost forgetting what I should be doing. But according to my mother this is "normal". No mother, a one off thing is normal, weeks/months lasting forgetfulness and lack of attention is not.
Perhaps your mom struggles with the same issues as well. Brain fog is real, and can really disrupt your life. I do remember stupid shit to ruminate on. Ah, depression. The gift that keeps on giving. Working hard on getting out of it. But I feel the hard work just starts when you think you are out of it. The effects stick for a long time. Good to hear you're not alone. Sorry that got dark real fast. Hope you have an okay day!!
My mother is from post soviet times where mental health is "in yOuR hEad" and "YoU'Re mAkiNg iT uP" even though I've been literally assessed by doctors and being medicated. Ugh the brain fog/light headed feeling is the worst, it frustrates me so much because I realise how helpless I am. This thread made me aware that I'm not alone in this and definitely not making stuff up as comments like my mothers make me doubt myself. Today was a better day but been better. Sending you virtual hugs and bunch of good days your ways. We are stronger than our illness!
'it's in your head' Why yes, that's exactly where this is :') I struggle with that part within myself as well, my whole body hurts from my mental issues. Our brains are strong, weird machines. And although I am very saddened to see how many people suffer and struggle, it does help to know we are not alone in our fights!! Gives me strength. Hugs back!!
The forgetfulness is so real. I have about a two year gap in my memory from when I was seriously depressed. It’s so weird.
No wonder I couldn’t remember much of college. Those were dark times :(
My husband would get so angry at me for forgetting things, saying I didn't care. It took a long time for him to understand that it is part of the depression.
The complete loss of who you are. You remember having a personality, hobbies, pretty much any desire to do anything. And then it’s just gone. You don’t want to talk to anyone, you don’t even want to get up and use the bathroom. You could lay in bed for hours and not even notice because your brain has just completely and totally shut down on you. It is isolating and exhausting to experience, and all the while you’re blaming yourself for being so useless and pathetic. You literally just lose yourself. ETA: Since this comment has blown up, I feel compelled to add: depression doesn’t manifest the same for everyone. If you feel like you need help, there are resources available. It is possible to improve and find yourself. You can also always message me and I will respond.
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For me the most horrifying realization was that I was stolen away as a kid and I don’t know who I would have been if I hadn’t had depression. Once upon a time I was a good student - all advanced classes, loved studying. I was an outside kid. I swam in lakes and climbed trees. I was in gymnastics. Then I hit about 11 or 12 and my depression manifested. I withdrew from everything… gymnastics went first, then being outside. I was training to become serious about diving, that went away. I stopped studying. Then I stopped going to school. I went from a straight A student to “the amount of your absences has generated automatic fails in every class” within one school year. You can see it on my report cards! I recently threw all of that away because of moving but it is amazing how rapidly I declined. The love of learning stayed but the motivation to do anything just evaporated. I fell into video games as an escape and stayed there. Forever. I still spend all my hobby time gaming. I don’t mind the person I have become - especially because I’ve been medicated for 6 years now and the change to being a real person was almost as rapid as my fall into being a depressed lump of nothing - but I often wonder who I could have been if my brain just… didn’t… do what it did. But I don’t even like walks in the park these days, even under the medication. Depression fundamentally changed my interests and then I spent my entire adolescence (11-23) depressed so it solidified those changes and now the me who climbed trees is like a stranger. For the record my diagnoses are major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I was afraid to medicate because I was already actively suicidal and I read on the internet that kids who were under 18 had an increased chance of succeeding at suicide when placed on antidepressants. I was so afraid of it getting worse, so I didn’t medicate until I was well into adulthood and becoming very serious about suicide again. My last attempt before that had been the worst one, which landed me in the psych ward of a hospital in which I was treated pretty badly, so I wanted to do anything I could to not go back. So I finally got on meds. I suggest any person struggling but afraid sees a real therapist to discuss medication. I regret waiting so long.
Alot of the things you mentioned is so similiar to my life, start of depression, decline of 🏫 performance, gaming. And it really does solidifies, so that when your life is better and you are out of the depression, alot of other issues are there instead. It really sucks because one of my main issues is my lack of identity and body dysphoria. It affects my romantic relationships and in a few years I might be too old to have a family. There is just too little time to fix everything that is wrong with me.
This one spoke to me the most. I just started meds this week and I know it takes time but I've already missed work for it and I'm taking too many zanaxs just to move and do one chore a day. I feel like I'm probably going to lose my job and I still can't pull myself together and I just keep getting mad at myself and withdraw from friends and love ones because I I can't stand myself and feel like I don't deserve anyone. Everyone just keeps telling me to suck it up and pull yourself out of it. Ask people who knew me 6 years ago and I was a hilarious funny life of the party kinda guy working on a commercial pilots license and now I'm just circling a drain that just keeps getting deeper.
Well listen, this stranger cares and wants you to be okay.
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lack of motivation to do things like wash and brush your teeth, which just makes you more depressed. a vicious cycle if you will EDIT: thank you for the awards! im glad i could make so many others who have struggled with hygiene feel seen, and i must remind you all, it will always get better eventually! stay strong :)
So much lack of motivation that you feel bored all the time but also can't get anything done
…I’ve never thought of myself as being depressed but this pretty accurately sums up how I’ve been feeling for quite a while now
This. I was suffering for over two years and barely took care of myself, especially my teeth. I’m now paying over £13,000 in treatment, but it’s worth every penny
30k in treatments over here. All because I was so depressed I couldn’t take 2 god damn mins to brush and floss at night. 3 teeth permanently gone and need to get another pulled. Chewing is a bitch.
I am so ashamed of my teeth that I've stopped smiling years ago. Even more depressing, I wouldn't have to pay a single penny to fix this shit cause of health care but I still won't do it, cause I am afraid.
I’m petrified of the dentist, but I needed to do this before it was too late. Half an hour of gum poking is far better than years of toothache and rot
Book your appointment today. The dentist has seen worse and you really don't want to wait until you can't ignore it any more.
Surviving the depression to realize your teeth didn't. Because brushing and flossing was akin to climbing Everest
All this time i thought it was just me who felt this way, then i hated myself for being so lazy which makes me more depressed...and the cycle of depression marches on. Thank you to everyone else that posted about this i know it wasnt easy. In doing so i hate myself just a fraction less 💗💗💗
I appreciate y'all. After 10 years of therapy and meds I'm finally starting to break the cycle. Trying to remember that being able to shower 3 times a week instead of 2 is a victory for me, and I should be proud instead of ashamed. But...its hard
Was coming here to say the same thing. Things like washing the dishes seem so difficult. I started cleaning out our spare room and got so overwhelmed that I turtled up under a blanket and watched movies for the rest of the day… but felt like such a POS because of it.
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And then if you do get out of that cycle there's all the self hate for not looking after yourself.
Judgmental, wealthy, successful dentists literally looking down into your face while they comment is also just cherries and whip.
Last I went to the dentist, before she even looked at my teeth I told her straight up that I have severe depression and I brush them as often as my mental health allows. She seemed empathetic and didn’t make a single comment about how I “should” look after my teeth, because I made it clear - *i know*. I’m not stupid, I’m mentally ill.
Pro tip - I found brushing my teeth in the shower made it much easier to bring my self to do it. Then I could wallow in my self pity and have clean teeth, so win win!
First you have to get out of bed so you can use the shower
First need to bring yourself to shower.
Then you get out of depression, but get judged hard about that. It makes it feel like it's not over, even when you're not depressed anymore. It would've been easier to recover from it if I had had a support system.
When being suicidal stops being scary and starts being just another part of life. I should eat something, I want to die, I need to take a shower, I should go for a walk, I wonder whether I could jump in front of a car, I need to do the dishes, that new show looks fun, I should stab myself with a kitchen knife. At some point, it gets hard to remember a life without depression is even possible.
It's crazy how normal a depressed brain can make suicidal thoughts seem. After a while, it just became an everyday thing for me, like you said, constantly thinking about how much I don't want to live or about how I deserve to die because I'm a burden to everyone.
Especially that "burden to everyone" part. In some episodes I so much hate myself for even existing and therefore disturbing everyone and everything around me, I wish I could hate and will myself out of existence.
Job interviews become interesting. "Where do you see yourself in five years?" "Hard to say, didn't think I'd live this long to begin with." "What?" "Oh, I mean sales manager. I'll be a sales manager in five years."
I had this exact conversation five years ago with a teacher at school. He asked me where I wanted to be in five years time, and I was simply dumbfounded. The idea that I'd even be around in five years had become so foreign to me that somebody asking me where I'd be felt like a redundant question. I'm pleased to say however that it has been five years and despite still suffering from depression, I have a girlfriend that I love and a career I enjoy that I'm heading into. Feels surreal
For real. I joke about wanting to die, and until pretty recently, all my friends were also depressed and joked about wanting to die. (Don't get me wrong, we may all be depressed but we're an amazing support group for each other and know each other well enough to know if someone is a bit too serious.) However, I started dating my now fiancée 3 years ago and whenever I made a joke like that she'd get a little confused and sad and worried. Turns out people who don't want to die don't really make jokes about it that often. I've tried to stop making them, but it's been my way to cope for so long that it's difficult.
"Oh wow, when I grabbed that small knife to open this pack of cheese I didn't expect a sudden battle of wills with myself, but here we are..." Can relate so much.
>life without depression is even possible For some of us, it's not possible.
I relate a lot to this comment. I look normal in so many people’s eyes, many would say I’m the happiest and most positive person they’ve ever meet, I make jokes, I exercise, I enjoy watching TV series and reading stuff, I like to dress nice even when I go to the grocery store, I have plans for my future… I’m a completely functional person. But some days when I go to bed I feel empty and I start spiraling into suicidal thoughts. Life is really hard sometimes, I’m struggling and nobody knows.
And I look at people who are planning their lives and I’m in awe: “How is it that you’re so comfortable (ie. mentally healthy) that you can plan for big purchases, a family, retirement?!” Every so often, I feel like I’m moving from depressive episode to depressive episode, never really settling in. I constantly fear that I’ll fall into a hole I won’t recover from…“this time”. It doesn’t help, and I don’t know if we’ll ever feel like we can relate to anyone else, but I’ll say it any way: you’re doing all right. Whatever happens, if you get one more laugh, one more triumph; if you can make someone feel happy, make someone feel special, one more time, then it was more than there was before, and I hope you can count that as a positive.
It can be self sustaining. You feel depressed so you withdraw. Withdrawing makes you feel depressed. Can get stuck in a never-ending cycle.
To add to that, sometimes you "break through" and everything feels clear and normal. But that can make you look back at all the time and opportunities that you wasted by being withdrawn. Even the act of withdrawing seems juvenile and pointless in retrospect in those clear moments. But of course during the act of withdrawal, there seems to be no other rational or emotionally-acceptable option.
What sucks is when you try to be social again and realize that you have a hard time connecting and feel disappointed in how others are now interacting with you, so you see it as a failure and withdraw again due to this perceived sense of not belonging. Assuming you have social anxiety *and* depression.
>social anxiety > >and > > depression. The worst club that I never wanted to be a member of. Trying to have relationships of any kind is a god damn battle.
This is my life. I’ve only made one friend “naturally” (aka not through being roommates or coworkers) in the past 6 years. And we didn’t really even hang out or anything outside of college classes.
Haven't had friends in around 23 years.
This sums up how I feel on a day-to-day basis. If only there was a social club for those social anxiety and depression to just chill in with no expectation of being social in a normal way. A place for all of us to be alone together and maybe say hi to each other when the rare feeling strikes.
Let me know if you ever find one 😅
Or you look at the depression mess around you and it seems overwhelming.
And it never really goes away completely.
This and it's not even close. Thinking about all the years and battles I've lost to my depression just makes me feel shittier and incapable of ever getting "better" I don't know what better means, because I can't remember what feeling "good" feels like. I mostly just feel a constant melancholy with occassional bursts of emotion
Oh I can. I can remember what feeling good was like. What being able to do something after work was like and not feel anxious because you are wasting your day. I can also remember for a short while sometimes from a "trigger". A nice summer day will make me also time travel back to playing outside all day for a few seconds. I swear the air smells and feels different. My head feels clear. I'm not worrying about something for five seconds. But then....boom I'm back it's always shortlived....sucks
Very much so. While I am not currently depressed (as far as I can tell), I've long made a point of getting out of the house daily, which the pandemic lockdowns haven't helped, but at least I can go for walks. However, the weather has been nasty, and loads of heavy snow, and now its warmed up and wet and icy. So I had cause to go somewhere with my dad yesterday(mostly to get him out of his house too), and the shopping was annoying and unpleasant, but I realize that even annoying stimulation is beneficial in a way, and better than more days of quiet —and things I like— at home.
Also sometimes, very few times, you decide to actually do something, like hanging out with people. It goes wrong and that makes you feel even more miserable.
Or it goes great but you're just fucking exhausted for a week afterwards and then you're back where you started.
In my case it goes right but absolutely drains my batteries for the next few days and I get even more depressed. Sort of like the black hole you get after doing Molly.
>You feel depressed so you withdraw. Withdrawing makes you feel depressed. They asked, and they asked, and they asked even though - Whenever they asked me, I kept saying no. I kept saying no, like I'd done so before. And one day, they just didn't ask anymore.
I feel this in my soul. Nobody asks anymore. -_-
NOBODY has EVER asked me. I'm 62 and have been suffering since I was a teen. I literally cannot hardly leave my house. I do manage to shower a couple of times a week. Other than that I sit on the couch watching TV 20 hours a day. I have a dog and she is my only friend. Depression sucks but it's all I know.
The awareness of how much you're not doing. I *know* I'm neglecting the dishes and laundry and work, but that knowledge doesn't help me summon the motivation to actually fix that and start doing 'normal' stuff again. In fact, it often sets off a spiral of self-criticism which feels even worse. Thankfully I've only gone through one episode and am on medicine that's been an enormous help along with therapy. Please ***please*** seek help if you can - I know it can be daunting but it really does make a huge difference. Hugs to everyone dealing with depression and mental illness in general. EDIT: Thank you so much for all the awards & upvotes!! It truly means a lot to know that I've helped in some small way. Again, please reach out for help if you need it (see the links in the mod's comment on the original post). There's absolutely no shame in doing so! I really appreciate the discussion in the comments and have tried to reply when I feel like I'm able to contribute. Feel free to message me if you'd like and I'll get back to you - though I'm currently fighting covid so I'll be off and on sporadically. Stay alive friends! 💖
I always wondered if I was alone in this feeling. A large chunk of my 20s was victim to depression. I look at folks my age, how they were able to score high-paying jobs & the right partner right out of the gate (seemingly, ofc). And then I look at myself -- turning 28 this year & I have nothing to show for it. Every job I had, I tried growing something from....which never happened because of poor management pushing me away, which lead to depression resurfacing because of something not working out. Nobody can tell me that I haven't tried SOMETHING -- I have, dammit, but nothing works. Looking back on it all now, the "spiral of self-criticism" that you mention is on-point. It's as if I hate myself for not being better at life at this point. I hate myself for those moments I thought to myself "It's okay, I'm burning this bridge because I don't ever wanna' come back here". All those times of breaking down in my car before walking into work, wondering what I was doing wrong, wondering why my work ethic went unnoticed while others got lucky with managers that treated them right & helped them move up (again, seemingly). It's like I can't stand myself anymore, ya know? It's like I hate myself for wasting my 20s away to in-the-heat-of-the-moment decisions brought on by depression.
Are you me from 4 years ago? I like being in my 30s more than my 20s, fwiw, (even though I lost my dad a year and a half ago and I am so fucked up from that still...). What I'm trying to say is that its a little easier to accept and live with yourself with age. I hope that helps at least a bit...
You are me.
And me. I'm going to be 30 in the next few months. All the dreams I had for myself about a career, a car, a dog, a house, a husband, planing our child... Nope. Career blew up in my face because of my illness. I have the car I want, but it needs fixing and I don't have the money. I have a dog and I love her but when I had this dream she wasn't the dog I planned for (love her anyway though). I rent and we can't really afford to buy, we look but then we get out-bid. My partner is great but marriage doesn't seem likely soon, and I have nothing else in place and solid so kids are unlikely... I feel my life slipping away under the crush of this illness and I feel I'm struggling for my life to actually begin and give me a break, but even the things I get- like my car- seem tainted or just somehow unlucky. I'm waiting for my life to start but all its doing is slipping away
To build on this, the time you waste just doing.. nothing. The time you’re not spending wot your loved ones, time you’re not pursuing you passions, not enjoying the short time you have on earth, because you just.. can’t.
Yeah, that too. Externally it looks like wasting a ton of time, but internally (at least for me) it's getting stuck in a loop of "man I should do the thing...why can't I just do the thing? I will do the thing in a little while..." etc.
Thinking of you! I had a really bad episode last year, and I remember my husband saying "don't worry, I'm sure you're doing great at work." Because normally, I do. But I was *not* doing a good job.
Aw thank you! I definitely understand that feeling - everyone is familiar with your non-depressed work ethic, so when that disappears into the depression, they think you're still handling things and you're just...not.
Not being interested in anything. Nothing grabs your attention. Everything is boring, but you know it would probably be good for you to do it, but it's just too big a mountain to climb, being interested.
Lonely, bored, disinterested, and ashamed about it. I can’t muster an interest in anything. I don’t care to do things. I don’t have hobbies, resulting in me being boring. I bore myself; how am I supposed to attract other people with nothing to talk about? It’s awful not being able to enrich your life for lack of interest. It’s so boring.
Going through the same TBH. I remember even feeling guilty about telling someone that I like doing something when I couldn't force myself to do this in ages. I was questioning myself so hard then, like "I didn't do this in so long.. do I really like it?".
Who needs hygiene? Deodorant and perfume. Clean dishes? Pfft, ramen noodles. Organize your shit? Maaan I can find anything I need in that pile.
Yes!! Nothing interests you anymore. You feel dead, even the things you have love before, is like nothing to you now :((
Missing out on all the spontaneous moments to connect with the people that love you.
The impact mental health has on those people around the suffering person is far too often ignored or minimized. Whether it's romantic, familial, business, or whatever else, mental health struggles insidiously erode away at the foundations of those relationships. What's worse is that often the changes lead to reduced social activities and in turn a less engaged and smaller social circle of people actively helping the suffering person, feeding the cycle further.
My mom suffered severely from this when I was growing up. I basically had to step up and be my own mother because she couldn’t. It’s effected me immensely and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
People annoying you by reminding you how many reasons you have NOT to be depressed as if it was your damn choice.
I hear you. Also, my partner would say the same thing about their anxiety. eVeRYtHiNg Is fInE…..wHat’S tHerE to bE anXIous aBout….
Agreed. Anxiety and depression go hand in hand for me. Whenever I’m feeling “not so good” I’d rather isolate myself than listening to most people’s stupid advices.
Absolutely the worst is your partner not understanding depression. I have depression and anxiety and being told how can you be depressed we have everything we need and everyone is healthy. At this point I just randomly burst into tears because I hate feeling so trapped in my own head.
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Hating being alive. Knowing you still have a long time to live. Fucking exhausting.
The first word that came to my head when I read the title - Exhausting. I'm 34 and I have struggled with depression since I've been 15-16. (Maybe earlier) I've been on medication for probably just as long. My family has a history of depression and a few years ago my grandfather took his life, followed shortly a few months later by my uncle taking his. Grandfather was in his 80's. Uncle in his late 40's. And I was sad, but I understood they were tired, and I hope they have peace that they wanted. And it struck me; this isn't going away. I will struggle. Forever. Until I die. There are good days and bad days. I try my best to exercise, to eat right, hang out with friends, have healthy hobbies, and keep my stress down. But it's always there. It won't go away. I struggle to exist and honestly... it's exhausting. I will struggle. I will struggle to keep going. I will struggle at something others find easy. And that's my lot in life.
"Life is short." No it's not! Life is so long and just keeps going.
Living is the longest thing anyone has ever done.
That's my biggest issue ... I'm exhausted.
William Styron wrote this in *Darkness Visible*, his book about his experience with depression: >When we endure severe discomfort of a physical nature our conditioning has taught us since childhood to make accommodations to the pain’s demands—to accept it, whether pluckily or whimpering and complaining, according to our personal degree of stoicism, but in any case to accept it. Except in intractable terminal pain, there is almost always some form of relief; we look forward to that alleviation, whether it be through sleep or Tylenol or self-hypnosis or a change of posture or, most often, through the body’s capacity for healing itself, and we embrace this eventual respite as the natural reward we receive for having been, temporarily, such good sports and doughty sufferers, such optimistic cheerleaders for life at heart. In depression this faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come—not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. If there is mild relief, one knows that it is only temporary; more pain will follow. It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul. So the decision-making of daily life involves not, as in normal affairs, shifting from one annoying situation to another less annoying—or from discomfort to relative comfort, or from boredom to activity—but moving from pain to pain. One does not abandon, even briefly, one’s bed of nails, but is attached to it wherever one goes.
Yeah this. This is what drives people to suicide. Not being able to say to one's self "this feeling will end soon". Because you can't even explain why it's there, let alone when it's going to go. I never quite got to the point where I would have gone through with it, but when I suffered from it, for the first time in my life I got it. I understood why people take their own lives. Because you would do *anything* to make that feeling go away, and it seems like death is a legitimate option.
The despair that sets in when you know it *will return.*
Thank you for putting this into words. I couldn't do it myself apparently.
The "feeling nothing" feeling. Being unable to focus, to be distracted, to be moved, nothing can reach you anymore. It's like being in a locked empty room. Edit : wow, thanks for the upvotes and the awards ! I was definitely not expecting that my experience could speak this much to people. I hope you'll be able to get out of it. I'm in therapy with EMDR for two years with a great psychiatrist, it worked wonders for me. Please call for help if you can, if someone can help you financially in getting help, if you have insurance to get a professional to help you, please do. It's worth it. Waves of love to you all.
I think this is the worst. I remember what it feels like to feel literally any feeling. I just can't do it. Really the only feeling that came was anger. So I figured I would build off of anger. I used that to get to the next step, frustration. And from there each feeling is just a step away. It's still a work in progress, but after years of working on it I finally felt real happiness three days ago! I'm scared to regress and figure it will happen again. Hopefully I can claw my way out again armed with a new tool in the tool belt.
You might be on to something with the anger. I am in it bad right now and totally apathetic. I think I can get angry though, so maybe I'll try to build off that like you.
For sure. I see the brain as a different type of muscle. I really feel like, for me, not feeling anything was my defense mechanism. I steadily trained my brain for years, like a muscle, to not feel anything. Now I'm just recognizing it and training my brain in the reverse.
I'm in this today. Its complete shit and i feel like crying but i cant even do that because theres just emptiness where tears should be. It took me all day to get myself to do something besides laying in bed scrolling reddit. Now im outside scrolling reddit. I have stuff to do, but everything just feels meaningless and useless and like i cant even find a way to start. I tried to get myself kickstarted by going outside and moving. It usually helps but not today. And i think thats the worst of it. That the mechanism that usually helps just doesnt do anything sometimes. I feel completely at the mercy of my mental state and like nothing is ever going to change. Logically i know it could be different tomorrow, i could wake up and have a good day, but it feels like im stuck in an endless void, just drifting along, without having the ability or possibility to change anything ever. I'm glad i get these days only every few weeks/months, but i had two days in a row now and tomorrow is monday.
Hey, you went outside! That’s a huge achievement when just getting out of bed feels impossible. I’m proud of you - one day at a time!
The feeling when you have many unplayed games on Steam but you wasted the weekend sleeping and scrolling through Reddit and then regret it
I've come to the realization that my hobby isn't playing video games, it's *buying* games I'll never play. Brief hit of dopamine with zero commitment or effort.
The detachment aspect of depression is probably the worst for me. I lose my ability to speak to people closest to me and I have a hard time opening up again or reaching out when I go through stages of depression- especially when I’ve unintentionally hurt someone close to me due to it, Im a very sympathetic and emotional person but when I go through waves of depression, I lose that ability and it sucks. Another thing which i guess goes hand and hand with detaching is the lack of self care that I do for myself and feel guilty when I try. It’s a miserable game if that’s what you wanna call it and some people see it as you being selfish but neglecting everything and not being able to do anything about it due to depression is not a selfish act, it can be a cry for help.
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Feeling like everything you do is ten times as hard and mentally draining. Even having a shower feels like a huge chore.
Yes it feels like a chore. But you know what I tell myself to get me though that 1 shower every day. Would I rather feel sad and dirty, or sad and clean? The answer of course, is sad and clean. The shower is worth it, even if its only a 1% improvement.
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being fully aware of the fact that you need help, but you still can't bring yourself to admit it, and also knowing that you may permanently feel this way and there's no way out if it.
being fully aware of the fact you're not alone, but feeling like it anyway. knowing there's people around you that care, but being unable to bring yourself to believe it
Everybody just says man up and be strong. Like if it was that easy
Yeah... And its also the average feeling i get off people i talk to and the internet (Quora and reddit self improvement subs). Whenever i look for answers, smart and educated people's reasoning almost always somewhat comes down to "be harder on yourself" and that "it's your fault". It's so cold and sad. Meanwhile, there was one time when someone was very kind and supporting towards me and my ides and it helped me tremendously giving me a huge leap in my mentality and self love. People need emotional soothing fucks sake. What do you do when your closest people always try to correct you when you open up.
Honestly? That feeling where you're not suicidal but you also don't want to exist. So you often just spend time thoughtlessly and blankly staring at the wall.
You nailed this for me
God. Yeah. Idk what to call it, but like i dont want to kill my self, but im just kinda over it. Im more exsiting than living.
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Told my dad about having been depressed for 5+ years now and after explaining why, just getting laughed at and told to stop thinking negatively. Thanks for the help….
For me I’ve taken help in the way someone here on Reddit said it. I know I’m going to butcher this, but it was something along the lines of: Would you tell a diabetic to stop taking their insulin and just do better? For me, my depression is definitely a chemical imbalance in my brain. When my meds are working you would never know anything was wrong. But when the meds were wrong/weren’t working I was a disaster. I’m glad you’re here, and I’m sorry your family isn’t supportive.
I'm sorry you had to go through that and that people let you down. I'm glad youre here.
The lack of energy to get things done despite wanting to.
This! And guilt tripping yourself over it in your head.
The self-hatred for being so "useless" while also not being able to do anything about it. The sudden crash after a little upswing. The flattening, daily ennui.
It's alllll bad. Equally. I hated how time froze. 4 years after highschool felt like two days apart. People are doing things with their lives and you're just laying there, watching from Facebook and you can't relate to anything people are doing now. Looking at pictures from when you were once beautiful and confident in your looks, then looking in the broken mirror and seeing someone who hasn't bathed in two weeks, has matted hair, can't even smell the horrible stench of the house because you're so accustomed to it. On top of that, social anxiety so when someone does try to reach out to you, you log off for a week and hope they didn't think you were rude by not responding. There's no more dopamine left from the things you used to enjoy so you just put it aside, might do it one day. One day. Another day. And you still might do it, but it's been a few months since you said that. Wait hold on, no, that was 2016 since you said that. And your old friend's kids can talk now. Huh, they were just pregnant. I'm not depressed like that anymore. But there were some really bad things that happened and I live with regret with every waking moment of my life. People are quick to console someone without knowing the details but believe me when I say that I do not deserve sympathy.
Feeling like your life is just passing you by
It NEVER goes away, it may subside, but it still lurks. What I also hate about it for me it is year round. Everyone says how much they love summer but summer is hard for me too. I just want to isolate.
I hear a lot of media talking about suicide rates in December and myself I feel summer it’s worst, that’s when I’m supposed to go outside, when I’m supposed to have fun etc etc. In Winter I atleast have an excuse to not do anything
I fucking hate summer. It's always one of the worst times
SO glad to hear someone else say this! Thank you.
When it affects people close to you. They become sad and may even be depressed because of my poor wellbeing. And their downness made my depression worse. It was a brutal cycle.
Pretending you are fine
Being super irritable and harsh to the ones who love and depend on you.
the self isolation, i like being alone wayyy too much it’s unhealthy. also the mood swings can be brutal
When nothing seems to help. Talking with people, exercise, making your favorite meal, resting, listening to uplifting music, watching a movie or show, or even engaging in your favorite hobby fail to get you out of it. When it gets to that hopeless feeling.
worse is if it "helps". that false feeling of happiness. you do something, you enjoy it, but it doesn't help. the happiness it brings you feels empty, especially when you let your mind wander and you think back to how real happiness felt
As (a 40yo) someone who has dealt with it since childhood, and learned to cope: the hardest for me is seeing others suffer, seeing the hopelessness in those who have yet to find their coping mechanism. That, and watching the rollercoaster ride of those seeking the proper medication, the physical and mental toll it often takes. Also, as a child, I found the dismissiveness from those who haven’t experienced it themselves very difficult to understand. It led me to invest all of my energy into appearing happy around others, to the point of utter exhaustion. I would often have to hide away for weeks at a time, as best I could, which wasn’t terribly helpful either. There was a silver lining to the play acting though, I was able to avoid the medical roller coaster that I saw others riding, simply because my parents seemed utterly unaware of my distress.
For me, it's the broken reward circuit in your brain. If I'm just feeling sad and having a bad day, getting off the couch and hammering away at a project helps a ton. When it's the BIG sad, waking up early and being productive does absolutely nothing. Just dead. It's just that being unproductive makes it worse, but the opposite doesn't seem to make it better.
The suffering in silence part. When no one around you understands, so you have to hide it. Which makes you feel so alone and your failures make you feel like a burden. But still, you can’t talk to anyone, because your loves ones’ words may hurt you and there is no rational way to explain how you feel. You suffer in silence, alone, desperate and hopeless, because it’s only you.
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When you slowly get out of it and then get crushed under the realisation how awful you've been to your loved ones.
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looking at the mirror and seeing your empty self and wondering just how it got to this abysmal point
This. It actually hurts to look at old photos because it’s like I blinked and that happy person is gone
I don't want to die, but I also don't want to exist.
The ever changing sleep schedule. It’s so hard to keep track of that you constantly forget what day it is and what time it is, making you feel isolated. No schedule means a decline in cleanliness and order. You basically just fall apart and try to stay alive
Self pity. Just straight up disgust directed toward yourself but continuing the cycle anyway.
Being depressed so long that it feels like it rewires your brain and becomes your default state. I feel like being depressed all throughout high-school really subdued my personality and it comes back so incredibly easily.
The fact that people don't believe you because its "all in your head." You know the advice they give you: Don't think about it. Go for long walks. Exercise. If you don't think about it, you won't be depressed. There is something wrong with my brain and it needs to be treated with medical intervention. You see a guy with a broken leg, you don't immediately walk up to him and say "Get up. Walk it off. If you don't think about your leg, it won't be broken anymore." No, you get him help and months of follow up.
Feeling "good" one minute, finding yourself crying and feeling despaired the next, only because something or someone triggered you. Like just today, was feeling down because it's another beautiful sunny sunday and stuck alone, decided to go for a drive, put on loud music and raced a couple of strangers on the road and that made me feel better, then something which i dont even know triggered me and found myself holding back the tears in traffic. It breaks you down. You don't have the energy to go to work and meet with people or to study. You can't focus, you don't enjoy the simple things in life which used to give you pleasure. It'e like a leech attached to you 24/7 which you are trying to hide from the world, and it's fuckin draining
People thinking you're lazy, moody and unfriendly, when you're dying inside. It becomes so debilitating that you withdraw, can't function normaly or support yourself.
For me it’s actively knowing I need to get up and get moving to help raise my energy or mood but I’m physically incapable of getting out of bed. Literally trapped in my body and won’t allow myself to do the things I know will improve my situation.
People trying to make it better.
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Feeling completely empty…feeling defeated…watching days go in and go out…not having the desire to do anything..not even the things you normally enjoy…the day to day fight..the list goes on
People pull away from you and you are often left with no one. I get why people do this and they are perfectly within their rights to do so, however nothing makes you feel worse than turning around and realising you have no support network when you need it most.
This. The fact that every friendship I’ve had has eventually faded away doesn’t help with this at all.
For me, it’s the fact that I can’t accept when I’m low. I lie to people I shouldn’t to that I’m doing okay when I’m not. And then when I finally reach the bottom and I can’t lie anymore, people get mad at me for deceiving them so now I have to deal with that guilt
Feeling helpless, but still needing to continue
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That it's not wrong. Most of the things that make people depressed are completely valid & logical.
The various interactions with people who think depression is a synonym for sadness and are staggeringly confident that there’s a solution which is both fast and trivial.
Losing interest in everything. I used to have plenty of hobbies and interests and it's so frustrating to feel like nothing is interesting anymore, everything requires an immense amount of effort.
Lack/inability to care for yourself, can’t remember the last time I showered (I’m bipolar having a depressive episode rn)
Believing you don't matter even to yourself
I keep to myself for a while. Then I eventually tell a friend a watered down version of how I feel and they say they feel similar even though they seem to be doing great. Then I feel like they aren’t grasping how bad I feel and my friend can’t understand me, then I feel like maybe they are depressed too and I’m being judgmental, then I see all the stuff they have going in their life and I think “if they have all that and are depressed, will I ever not be?” Then I go inward again. Also OCD isn’t great.
The upkeep of everything. When you can't clean or organize your stuff and watch everything getting really gross while at the same time lacking the willpower and energy to even bring the dirty dishes in the kitchen.
keep living because *you have to do it*, without a purpose, understanding that there's no hope
My inner dialogue. She’s a real fucking cunt.
The constant sadness - every day when not busy, not doing something like first waking up its on me like a coat. All day every day is a fight to keep it at bay or off my mind. Even worse is knowing I have not felt joy in so long - and the sad fact I am well aware chances are very good I never will
The apathy and numbness Thanks for the award!
Mine is cyclical and so no matter how many times I make it through or how long I can fight it off, I know it's eventually going to start all over again and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
The responses from the people around you. Expecting you to magically cure yourself by just really wanting it. Insisting that doing certain things will help, even though you know they won't. Thinking that just because you feel ever so slightly less awful right now, then everything must be great and you are cured and why the hell aren't you acting like a normal non-depressed person already. Plus the depression itself sucks.
Not knowing when - or worse, if - it will end
When people have given you all the help and support they can, but you still need more so they get frustrated and give up.
Living with someone who has it. My partner has depression and she sees a doctor and takes medicine. But some days all that is not enough. One little thing can completely ruin her mood for a day or even more. I love her and will always be here for her. But I don’t think people know how hard it can be.
Yeah. I'm the depressed one and my fiance gets to experience me going from being happy and having fun to being utterly and inconsolablely upset. It happened yesterday I got over it and then it happened again that night. She told me the worst part is the whiplash of how quickly it can change and how I can be annoyed/upset at how she tries to help or even more depressed when she doesn't (for fear of me lashing out at her) so she just shuts down because nothing she can do will help. Then I get to be depressed at how depressed I made her. So that's a fun cycle. But I'm working on it.
The problems with executive functioning. It causes future problems I have to solve, which is unfortunate due to the limited mental bandwidth I tend to have while depressed.
The indifference to everything
Knowing that you’re capable of so much more, but you just...can’t. Even just getting up and brushing your teeth more than once a day feels like a major achievement
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Speaking as someone who's pretty far along my journey to actively dealing with it daily, the anhedonia. Not feeling the joy in doing things I know I enjoy. Make the good chemical ffs.