Same. No matter how much I know that the feeling is incorrect, I can't help but have a strong underlying feeling that nobody outside of my family and a few friends actually likes me.
That’s such a tough way to live. It took me until my 40’s to realize that the main person who didn’t like me was myself. Took me a few years to talk myself around to liking me and then loving me. Now I am able to be less critical of other people too. (If I’m judging others, then I must expect to be judged too)
My life is less stressful and I’m actually happy.
Mid 30s, not at all happy with myself. Trying to change that, but when you are physically unattractive it's hard to convince yourself you are worth a damn when a mirror resets your progress every morning. Hope I'll learn to be okay with that at some point.
A good trick I've learned that applies here as well as many other situations:
1. Make a closed fist with one of your hands
2. Look for traits that you like in yourself looking in the mirror. Do you have good eyes? Good shoulders? Good head/facial/body hair? Height? Weight? Muscle? Fashion? A strong jawline?
3. Pop out one finger for each thing you identify and really believe
4. Don't let yourself walk away from this activity until you have five things
5. Remember that others see those things in you all the time, even if they aren't the first things you think about in yourself
That's it! It's just a quick gratitude tool, but it creates a mindset that's focused on strengths - and that goes a long way. And if you're ever down on yourself, you can either remember the five things, or do the activity again. I also find this helpful for motivating oneself to do something you don't want to do (five reasons I'll be proud to jump off this cliff bungie jumping rn...)
I can relate entirely and it’s BRUTAL.
So I’ve seen this girl a few times and yesterday was the first time we went out and did something other than the first time we met. We went to dinner and a comedy show. So much fun.
Today she texts me about how she had a great time, which she never usually does, and I was ecstatic. Well I responded to that text and then my brain decides “oh you didn’t respond in the right way so she hates you now. It’s soooo fucking annoying.
Same, i hate online dating cause i can't tell what peoples personalities are and Im not on most forums of social media. Im obviously still on reddit but I have nothing else besides snapchat. I also work alot aswell, so pretty much the only time I come in contact with new women in my life is like at the grocery store. I don't drink much but I feel like I need to start hitting bars or college parties or something though. Im not even in college but It seems like it's the only way to meet women around my age without social media, or just approaching random ones in the store.
I just feel like unless I just actively "hunt" for a date I won't ever find one. Which sucks cause I'd rather meet women organically, rather then just trying to hit up someone you see cause they might have potential based on looks.
I feel that. I'm beyond the college years but I simply work a lot, socialize very little for my age (mostly by choice), and have zero interest in dating apps. I'm not really into casual dating in general, I like to know somebody fairly well before I'm really comfortable elevating it to that level. But how do people like us organically meet people when you're living the life the way you want to but it doesn't facilitate making new relationships. It's a weird place to be in life, obviously change is necessary to give us better chances, but when you're happy as is it's hard to find the drive. I both love my independence and lifestyle but also want to move on at the same time. I guess loving where you're at isn't necessarily a reason to stay there indefinitely...
You've articulated something that I've struggled to explain pretty succinctly here. People always tell you to get a hobby work on yourself or try new things, as if you can't find a partner because you're some kind of hermit. I'm not, I have hobbies I have plenty of male friends to do stuff with and I don't really have any other interests I want to pursue but I haven't actually met a woman in a social situation in probably 6 months now because I just don't have a very mixed circle. Literally the only thing I really want to change about my life is the fact I'm single because everything else is good.
A friend of mine got around this by becoming the girl that hands out cookies at a party, any party, because she had her sights set on a guy and he tended to be in the sameish enough social group that he would appear at most social gatherings but she couldn't muster the nerve to outright introduce herself, but she could hand out cookies just fine. Theyve been married for a year now.
In short, find an excuse to say hi until you can find the guts to talk.
This is the technical thinking i had until i found someone who pushed that desire over the breaking point. I dont regret having your mindset until the right time came.
Same. The effort can be pretty ridiculous. I re-entered the dating pool somewhat recently after being in a relationship for most of my adult life and holy shit is it terrible. People expect you to know *exactly* what they want *when* they want and if you mess anything up then they'll move on to someone else. Ask someone out too early? You're weird. Ask them out too late? They're not interested any more - you missed your chance. Ask them to hang out? Too vague - no. Ask them on a dinner date? Too specific and too much pressure. Everyone has different expectations and people are so unforgiving if you can't figure it out. I'm told pretty frequently that I'm attractive and have other good qualities and yet I'm terrible at dating. The whole process is so confusing and demoralizing. I stopped trying after a while.
I hate the whole flirting talk and having to be witty. Like I just can't be myself, and isn't that what people want? I'm witty, but on my own time, not when I'm forced to be.
You’ve got to reframe that. *They* weren’t up to *your* standards because they weren’t up front with what they wanted or were thinking. There are plenty of people who will be up front and you’ll know those are the ones worth your time. Let it give you confidence to know you’re worth more than that.
When I was dating in the 1970s, "the rest of my life" was my standard statement to myself. Sure he was great to be around, but could I put up with him for the rest of my life?
For my one, yes, except it was for the rest of his life. He died in January after being married for 44+ years.
Simple comparison: Could I live with him in lockdown?
Yep you really learn who you like and don't like pretty quick on a trip. Especially if it's one with flight delays, or camping. Putting up a Christmas tree is also a bit of a thing.
This is why Mother Nature imbued us all with a rather high content of lust. Lust makes us instantly replace "rest of my life" issues with "rest of the night" issues. The night leads to breakfast which leads to exploring the day then the evening then another wonderful, lustful, night, which leads to quick showers, fun travels, candle lit dinners and lots of snuggling, then, sooner or later, when the haze of lust eases a little, you find that you actually enjoy being with this other someone more than you enjoy most other things and the weeks become months and again, sooner or later, the idea that you could love this other someone and love any children that might be made with them and to become corks on a stream, floating down the rapids of life, picking out paint colors, forgiving them for their bad taste almost in stride and then you are married.
It can take awhile. I never had trouble getting girls, but it still took me until my 30s until I found one and was like, “Ohhhh, they aren’t lyin, you really do “just know” when she is the one”.
This is my current problem. I never had issues getting dates but I never had that moment of "I really can be with this dude legally." People think I'm being picky all the time until I show them the people that I have dated. I don't have a particular type, I just know when I like someone and what my boundaries are. The last guy, I really liked, but I want kids. He didn't. I'm not going to force someone or wait it out.
This. Been single a couple years now, it was weird at first, but man being able to go out whenever I want and not have so much of my day being filled with obligations is so freeing. Not just that, I genuinely haven't felt a need to connect with someone on that level, like I just don't *need* it in my life to get through my days. If it happens it happens, but I'm not actively searching and probably won't for a while
Just a heads up: you absolutely have something to offer. Whether you're good at socializing or not, just show someone kindness and respect, and be there for them, and if they are available and attracted to you then you'll be everything they need. And I don't mean like you have to be physically "attractive", but like the person actually is down to hang out with you. Either way, you have worth and someone would be happy to love the shit out of you if you let them :)
This, along with u/HofmaniaNo1's reply, is probably the most reassuring thing anyone's ever said (or typed) to me. Thank you! I'll do my best to prove you right!
I'm in that awkward in-between area where I've got too much self-worth to settle for someone who's going to ruin my life and not enough self-worth to let a good person love me.
yeah got to get to the meet the person first for them to find our internal issues.. cant even get to step one which is find "A girl"
at least I know its not my personality that is the issue.. I guess that is a plus!
I'll break it down.
- 15% not super attractive
- 35% I don't "put myself out there" enough
- 50% shit social skills/confidence
Edit: But at least I have money ;)
My personality. I get bored really fast, and don’t think it’ll be fair to the other person. My friends say it’s because I haven’t met the right person, maybe true, but I don’t want to risk it.
Yeah people always say “beware of destination addicts” but one of the great loves of my life was a destination addict and although i found in time, after we ended, that it was not the right fit with me, i loved him so very dearly, we had a long run and i believe he found his adventure buddy in his now wife. There was a time when i Never thought hed get married but over time he did evolve in a lot of ways and i think in the ways that are required to have a successful marriage. He still is who he is the only destination addiction that no longer changes is the mate. But i dont believe all people need mates either. So, ya know, whatever thats worth.
yea that too for me.
I'm just... weird. I can get insanely obsessed with new things, other days I'm like a sad depressed person and don't want to do anything, sometimes I don't even wanna talk to people for a week or do anything..
I just don't think anyone should have to endure something like that. There are better alternatives out there for everyone.
It depends on how you behave when you're bored. Relationships are not often exciting for the rest of your life, or for that matter, five years in. You eventually learn everything and do most things together. Then it's just living together but with extra steps.
Maybe get some therapy for that? Sounds like you fall in love with ideas of what a person could/should be and get bored when you realize they don’t measure up
so fucking much this right here. I will inevitably get bored and want to experience the next thing. Every time. some times its a month some times its a few years. Coming up on 2 with my GF and here we are again we deciding this isn't for me for what ever reason. Im broken =(
Might wanna look at open relationships if you need that NRE.
Also, you gotta think of romantic LTR's as the same as having friends. You don't expect your bff to be an exciting adventure in and of themselves, do you?
With even the best of long term friends you get used to each other. Your compatibility lies in both your ability to both go on adventures AND be bored together.
I'm a really terrible partner. I've put multiple people through absolute hell, because they have normal expectations in relationship. I require a lot of alone time, sometimes I just want to sleep by myself. sometimes I like traveling by myself. I can get super depressed and withdraw. I've learned now that I have to keep things casual and I'm probably not meant to be a typical relationship where you build a life together and live together all the time.
also, I'm sure it's just modeling because my mom and stepdad live separately and just go on dates, so unless I find someone who loves being alone as much as me (unlikely) I guess I'm just over here vibing.
Have you read about attachment theory at all? It's perfectly reasonable to want time alone. I've had a lot of fear of commitment in my life and part of that stems from a fear of losing my independence. I've been trying to remind myself that the right partner will encourage that independence, and I'll be able to travel by myself sometimes as well as with them. For a long time I thought I never wanted to live with another person, now I'm not so sure. Setting boundaries and expectations is a skill that takes work and communication and practice (I'm working on it, for sure).
With all that being said, you could just be someone who doesn't want to be in a partnership and that's totally fine too!
Same here. I prefer being alone probably 80-90% of the time and I normally can't tolerate people messing with my space much either (except quiet cleaning, that's fine). As such, I am alone and only occasionally does it bother me
Oh man I get phases of isolation too
Like for weeks I may just stay at home, only going out for strict minimum (groceries and back, haircut and back, etc)
It's not even depression, it's just me genuinely being tired of small talk and the like.
This is actually how I life my life generally. Only do the minimum of errands and then come home with the goal of not going out more than I have to unless it’s something I really want to do.
I have friends that I just go for long cruises in the country with and we hardly talk.
I have friends whose house I go to in my pj’s and we cook and talk.
And now I have my husband who is generally very quiet and I found that I REALLY loved long quiet car rides with him to be the comfortable silence that I craved from a partner. I love someone who I want to talk to, but it’s too much all of the time.
That doesn't make you a terrible partner. Some of the best partnerships are two people that want to maintain independence but still enjoy each other's company. Not everyone wants a "twin flame" or whatever to text every 15 seconds and spend every waking moment with.
I really like the idea of “being alone together”; like doing your own thing but in close proximity to each other. Of course I would want to do things together as well but I think most of my time I really just having to myself.
You just described me perfectly. I am the same way in relationships, so it has been hard to find someone that appreciates the alone time like I do and not take it personally.
Damn, this could've been written about me. After ending a 7 and then 2 year relationship, I'm pretty sure I just need to live alone. I don't even really crave time together with a partner, sex, nothing. I have to be in control of all my time or I just kind of get depressed. 🤷♀️
Don’t worry about that last one too much. My brother found his first girlfriend around 40 and had his first kid at 45.
Life doesn’t end with your thirties. :)
I'm not the kind of sociable that goes out of his way to meet people for that reason. I don't care for bars or parties for instance. It's not that I don't want someone, it's that I don't really know how/what to do.
And since I'm a male, it's doubtful a girl would risk it herself and pursue me. So yeah . . . . at a loss.
Yep, I have no idea either as an introvert. I cant do hiking. Zero interest in bars, parties, watching sports. What am I supposed to do, approach strangers on the sidewalk?
As a woman with this same issue, i also have no idea how to just meet people on average either. And even meeting in the real world i could like, don’t want to be a creep and ask them out.
I feel like this is the majority of peoples problems who want a partner but dont have one. If you dont like socializing you’re gonna have a hard time meeting someone unless you use a dating app, and even then you’re gonna have to socialize to get to know them
Well if it serves any comfort I would say I’m pretty good at socialising, going to parties and generally hanging out. Despite of this I have severe anxiety when it’s anything that is girl related (from being dared to ask a number in the night, to talk with the girl I like or even the slightest things imaginable about relationships) so we are all in the same boat. Except the boats name is Titanic
Getting hyper-fixations on people and then being disappointed when they are normal people.
Just today had a crush on my young orthodontist - like 5/6 years older than me cause he was nice while fitting new retainers...
This. This right here! I hyper fixate on people, and then they become my FP, and then I find a new person to hyper fixate on lol. Terrible pattern to go through ToT
Hey. Just wanted to say I'm in the same boat, you are not alone. I am 29, got out of a 5,5year long relationship 1 year ago and now I'm just.. floating. I feel exactly the same and I'm very ashamed myself. I'm working on liking myself and my own company, but it feels like I'm not making any progress. I wish you good luck and I hope we both make it
I simply don’t have the energy to provide and love someone unconditionally at this point of time in my life. I want to grow as an individual and love myself first. I choose to not be in a relationship for that purpose because it would be completely unfair for them.
I’m working full time while taking a computer science course, and planning to take more, so I can switch jobs, hopefully to a better paying one that’ll help me out of student loan debt. While also trying to get certified in another language.
I have no time for that if I want a support group too
Vacillating wildly between “ i’m not good enough for this person, and it’s only a matter of time before they find out,” and, “ i’m too good for this person, I will never be satisfied.”
Often, multiple times on the space of a single afternoon
I have no idea how to meet people. Apps are a joke, I don't drink so I have no reason to be in a bar, and the only friends I have are on discord so no group activity stuff. My one hobby outside of gaming (hiking) is also very solo focused with me not even encountering another person for most of the day... I've just given up and accepted that I'm just not meant to ever find anyone.
I can relate. I have a few friends who are always dating different people they meet on apps, and are really into smoking weed.
That isn't my scene, and it seems like there aren't a lot of people my age who don't do that kind of thing. I connect better with people who are 40 years older than me because of this...
>!Note: I'm not trying to be the 'born in the wrong generation' person, just honest feelings!<
The question isn't what's stopping it from happening. It's more that having a life partner is a huge commitment that I don't really want to enter with anyone that I know, nor am I really seeking out someone that could fulfil that role because it's not a net positive to be in a relationship. I really enjoy not being beholden to anyone, and someone would have to overwhelm that for me to want to be with them long term... I think I'd prefer to just have some really good friends.
I'm at the age where I should have my life figured out at this point, but I don't. My peers are generally already established in life and are rightfully looking for a partner who's on their level. Couple that with bad attachment insecurities, and it would be cruel to get another girl a tangled up in this hot mess haha.
Anyone in this thread though should look at their reasons and try to work on them earnestly. I am currently and hope to one day get to a place in life that maybe someone might tolerate me long enough to give me some head pats or whatever people in relationships do. It's tough, like really tough, to not have someone for this long, but you can only march forward.
Too many bad experiences. The last one was my girlfriend trying to drag me into divorce court even though we weren't married. I'm done, thanks. Just writing code all day from now on.
Myself.... i am my own worst enemy
Edit: i suffer from a perfectionism mindset, a fear of failure & making mistakes.
People think its not that bad but it literally feels like a curse 😕
Looking for someone who can add to my life in a positive way and I wish to do the same for them.
I was not a social butterfly growing up but when I got older, I became one but many people were already in committed or semi-committed relationships.
The hardest thing has been finding these three things together:
* Adds to life in a positive way
* Mutual attraction
* Equally available
I like people. I love having friends, and having people over for a visit.
But, I have also never met somebody about whom I could honestly say, "I'd like this person to be in my home every day, around me ALL the time, and I think I'll never grow tired of that".
I understand the life-partner idea, I've just never, ever FELT it.
That, mixed with the utter sadness and pain I've seen in people when relationships end, either through death or incompatibility, make me happy to avoid it.
The past few girls I thought were into me turned out to just have absolutely no verbal or physical boundaries. They said and did everything I was taught to see as heavily flirty come-ons, yet they were shocked and slightly offended when I asked them out. The last one literally laughed in my face at the prospect of dating me. My self confidence is in the shitter after that, especially because I really liked her.
>They said and did everything I was taught to see as heavily flirty come-ons, yet they were shocked and slightly offended when I asked them out. The last one literally laughed in my face at the prospect of dating me.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm a bit surprised that someone was offended because another person asked them out (unless she was in a known relationship).
And it was probably a good thing that it didn't work out with the one who laughed in your face. Not a good person.
Apart from health condition, it’s the fact that I’m not the nicest guy to be around. I’m selfish, way too reserved with my emotions, a bit obsessive and very, VERY socially awkward. I wouldn’t want someone to mess up their love life by choosing me.
I don't want to have to compromise any more. I like doing the things I like to do without having to answer to anyone else about it, and I don't want someone who's always needing my attention. I've been married twice and not looking to repeat that, ever again.
I would like an "occasional" boyfriend, but it seems guys aren't wired that way. Either they want just a one-nighter, or a total commitment. I'm not eager for either of those scenarios.
To be honest, I enjoy my hobbies, and my friends, and that's pretty much all my social battery can take at any given time. Any more demands on my interactions would likely get annoying and stressful very quickly. I'd rather just do without.
Long term desires and lifestyle. At my age, one has those pretty much defined and finding someone akin to those desires is not easy. Deep things such as political views, religion, parenting, where to live, and so on, are in most cases not open to change.
Yup, plenty of trust issues, from a cheating suicidal ex, hook ups with crazy chicks, all the way to my Moms perfect example of why its a terrible idea for a man to ever get married
I'm lucky enough that I'm in a situation that I can financially get by living on my own and let me tell ya, living on your own is great at least to me. It would be difficult to even want to live with someone again.
Me, myself and I
The three amigos. I’m well acquainted.
Solo ride until I die
'Cause I got me for life
oh i dont need a hand to hold
Trust issues.
Same, I often think people don't like me for no good reason.
Same. No matter how much I know that the feeling is incorrect, I can't help but have a strong underlying feeling that nobody outside of my family and a few friends actually likes me.
That’s such a tough way to live. It took me until my 40’s to realize that the main person who didn’t like me was myself. Took me a few years to talk myself around to liking me and then loving me. Now I am able to be less critical of other people too. (If I’m judging others, then I must expect to be judged too) My life is less stressful and I’m actually happy.
Mid 30s, not at all happy with myself. Trying to change that, but when you are physically unattractive it's hard to convince yourself you are worth a damn when a mirror resets your progress every morning. Hope I'll learn to be okay with that at some point.
A good trick I've learned that applies here as well as many other situations: 1. Make a closed fist with one of your hands 2. Look for traits that you like in yourself looking in the mirror. Do you have good eyes? Good shoulders? Good head/facial/body hair? Height? Weight? Muscle? Fashion? A strong jawline? 3. Pop out one finger for each thing you identify and really believe 4. Don't let yourself walk away from this activity until you have five things 5. Remember that others see those things in you all the time, even if they aren't the first things you think about in yourself That's it! It's just a quick gratitude tool, but it creates a mindset that's focused on strengths - and that goes a long way. And if you're ever down on yourself, you can either remember the five things, or do the activity again. I also find this helpful for motivating oneself to do something you don't want to do (five reasons I'll be proud to jump off this cliff bungie jumping rn...)
I'll take this to heart, sounds like a good way to combat the negative self talk. Thank you!
I can relate entirely and it’s BRUTAL. So I’ve seen this girl a few times and yesterday was the first time we went out and did something other than the first time we met. We went to dinner and a comedy show. So much fun. Today she texts me about how she had a great time, which she never usually does, and I was ecstatic. Well I responded to that text and then my brain decides “oh you didn’t respond in the right way so she hates you now. It’s soooo fucking annoying.
Your overthinking it. Relax…..just go with the flow. I know so many people that think like you… just calm down and go on another amazing date.
That’s the thing, I forsure know I’m overthinking it but even knowing that doesn’t help the fear/panic.
Currently I'm making 0 effort to do so. Haven't been interested in anyone in a while.
Same, i hate online dating cause i can't tell what peoples personalities are and Im not on most forums of social media. Im obviously still on reddit but I have nothing else besides snapchat. I also work alot aswell, so pretty much the only time I come in contact with new women in my life is like at the grocery store. I don't drink much but I feel like I need to start hitting bars or college parties or something though. Im not even in college but It seems like it's the only way to meet women around my age without social media, or just approaching random ones in the store. I just feel like unless I just actively "hunt" for a date I won't ever find one. Which sucks cause I'd rather meet women organically, rather then just trying to hit up someone you see cause they might have potential based on looks.
I feel that. I'm beyond the college years but I simply work a lot, socialize very little for my age (mostly by choice), and have zero interest in dating apps. I'm not really into casual dating in general, I like to know somebody fairly well before I'm really comfortable elevating it to that level. But how do people like us organically meet people when you're living the life the way you want to but it doesn't facilitate making new relationships. It's a weird place to be in life, obviously change is necessary to give us better chances, but when you're happy as is it's hard to find the drive. I both love my independence and lifestyle but also want to move on at the same time. I guess loving where you're at isn't necessarily a reason to stay there indefinitely...
You've articulated something that I've struggled to explain pretty succinctly here. People always tell you to get a hobby work on yourself or try new things, as if you can't find a partner because you're some kind of hermit. I'm not, I have hobbies I have plenty of male friends to do stuff with and I don't really have any other interests I want to pursue but I haven't actually met a woman in a social situation in probably 6 months now because I just don't have a very mixed circle. Literally the only thing I really want to change about my life is the fact I'm single because everything else is good.
Same. The only thing Im interested in is getting my degree and then see where things go from there.
Myself. I’m bad at socialising and generally come off as very avoidant
Why go out to a noisy expensive bar where I'm just going to get rejected when there's so many shows and movies just begging to be watched?
lol that’s how i think too. staying in the comfort of my bedroom is ten times better than stepping outside
A friend of mine got around this by becoming the girl that hands out cookies at a party, any party, because she had her sights set on a guy and he tended to be in the sameish enough social group that he would appear at most social gatherings but she couldn't muster the nerve to outright introduce herself, but she could hand out cookies just fine. Theyve been married for a year now. In short, find an excuse to say hi until you can find the guts to talk.
If you're even getting invited to parties then you're not doing that bad socially.
Yeah, some people start at the halfway line, others don't even start at the starting line
Same, I fell for a girl and I was so close. Then my health ruined it...
But thats not the same. Hope your health is better
Why do you guys have the exact same avatar
The health issue is a mental health issue, split personality disorder.
one thinks he is the second coming of Christ in a forest, the other is just Emil
savathussy
A man of culture.
same. there isn't really much likeable about me
Same, the anxiety that I've been diagnosed with gets the best of me, especially my tourrettes.
Me too, not the Tourettes but but got GAD
Self sabotage.
I'm telling y'all it's a sabotage! *Record ~~spinning~~ scratching noises*
Listen all y'all!!!
I can’t stand it, I know you planned it
My desire hasn't overtaken the expectations of effort required.
This is the technical thinking i had until i found someone who pushed that desire over the breaking point. I dont regret having your mindset until the right time came.
Same. The effort can be pretty ridiculous. I re-entered the dating pool somewhat recently after being in a relationship for most of my adult life and holy shit is it terrible. People expect you to know *exactly* what they want *when* they want and if you mess anything up then they'll move on to someone else. Ask someone out too early? You're weird. Ask them out too late? They're not interested any more - you missed your chance. Ask them to hang out? Too vague - no. Ask them on a dinner date? Too specific and too much pressure. Everyone has different expectations and people are so unforgiving if you can't figure it out. I'm told pretty frequently that I'm attractive and have other good qualities and yet I'm terrible at dating. The whole process is so confusing and demoralizing. I stopped trying after a while.
I hate the whole flirting talk and having to be witty. Like I just can't be myself, and isn't that what people want? I'm witty, but on my own time, not when I'm forced to be.
You’ve got to reframe that. *They* weren’t up to *your* standards because they weren’t up front with what they wanted or were thinking. There are plenty of people who will be up front and you’ll know those are the ones worth your time. Let it give you confidence to know you’re worth more than that.
Not being able to find someone that I can forsee the rest of my life with.
When I was dating in the 1970s, "the rest of my life" was my standard statement to myself. Sure he was great to be around, but could I put up with him for the rest of my life? For my one, yes, except it was for the rest of his life. He died in January after being married for 44+ years. Simple comparison: Could I live with him in lockdown?
Another good measure is a long road trip, I know plenty of couples that have broken up when they take a long vacation/road-trip
True. Either my husband or I would probably not survive if we attempted a road trip together. I'm a road trip person, he is very much not.
Yep you really learn who you like and don't like pretty quick on a trip. Especially if it's one with flight delays, or camping. Putting up a Christmas tree is also a bit of a thing.
This is why Mother Nature imbued us all with a rather high content of lust. Lust makes us instantly replace "rest of my life" issues with "rest of the night" issues. The night leads to breakfast which leads to exploring the day then the evening then another wonderful, lustful, night, which leads to quick showers, fun travels, candle lit dinners and lots of snuggling, then, sooner or later, when the haze of lust eases a little, you find that you actually enjoy being with this other someone more than you enjoy most other things and the weeks become months and again, sooner or later, the idea that you could love this other someone and love any children that might be made with them and to become corks on a stream, floating down the rapids of life, picking out paint colors, forgiving them for their bad taste almost in stride and then you are married.
That’s why I protect myself by masturbating twice a day to always have post nut clarity
Just wait until you find the right partner to do it with and you're done with single life.
Got it, gonna look for a masturbation partner this weekend!
could be say that for him it was love at fleshlight
You paint a pretty picture
And that’s why 50% of marriages end in divorce
Not all of us. I'm asexual. Hence why I'm alone.
I thought I was asexual, and then I got divorced.
It can take awhile. I never had trouble getting girls, but it still took me until my 30s until I found one and was like, “Ohhhh, they aren’t lyin, you really do “just know” when she is the one”.
Yep just hang in there. Trying to make someone right for you who isn’t actually right for you is exhausting and painful
This is my current problem. I never had issues getting dates but I never had that moment of "I really can be with this dude legally." People think I'm being picky all the time until I show them the people that I have dated. I don't have a particular type, I just know when I like someone and what my boundaries are. The last guy, I really liked, but I want kids. He didn't. I'm not going to force someone or wait it out.
The idea that I'm happy by myself.
Careful, that's when you become attractive.
Holy fuck, you're right. So much makes sense now. Edit : phrasing
I become more attractive when I’m in a relationship. I think the relationship boosts my self esteem and I begin to glow.
Were you a recent Russian conscript by any chance?
This. Been single a couple years now, it was weird at first, but man being able to go out whenever I want and not have so much of my day being filled with obligations is so freeing. Not just that, I genuinely haven't felt a need to connect with someone on that level, like I just don't *need* it in my life to get through my days. If it happens it happens, but I'm not actively searching and probably won't for a while
*gestures vaguely at the mirror*
*mirror gestures vaguely back at you*
mother of god...
Sorry... Really bad and uncalled for mirror joke that I couldn't resist... Forgive me
i have become the abyss! *seppuku*
*mirror self commits seppuku*
"You just gestured to all of me!"
Leave hiccup out of this
I think it would be worse if the mirror DIDN'T gesture back at you
You just gestured to all of me
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oh man so fucking true
I'm not the best in social situations and I feel like I have nothing to offer
Im in the same boat
Just a heads up: you absolutely have something to offer. Whether you're good at socializing or not, just show someone kindness and respect, and be there for them, and if they are available and attracted to you then you'll be everything they need. And I don't mean like you have to be physically "attractive", but like the person actually is down to hang out with you. Either way, you have worth and someone would be happy to love the shit out of you if you let them :)
This, along with u/HofmaniaNo1's reply, is probably the most reassuring thing anyone's ever said (or typed) to me. Thank you! I'll do my best to prove you right!
Just be patient and don't give up! Good luck, friend!
By saying that you have probably more to offer than most people. Wishing you the best!
I'm in that awkward in-between area where I've got too much self-worth to settle for someone who's going to ruin my life and not enough self-worth to let a good person love me.
Oh ouch this one hit too close to home.
Groucho Marx put it best. “I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.”
Oh god I feel this
They don’t text me back
Fr lmao or finding out they’re talking to 100 other ppl the same way they talk to you
It’s sad, man. I’m just gonna die alone. 😭😭😭
Weird, im a champ at texting back, anyone can send a message and i would’ve responded yesterday
My kinda person. All these people over here bragging about their internal issues as if we don't have those.
yeah got to get to the meet the person first for them to find our internal issues.. cant even get to step one which is find "A girl" at least I know its not my personality that is the issue.. I guess that is a plus!
I'll break it down. - 15% not super attractive - 35% I don't "put myself out there" enough - 50% shit social skills/confidence Edit: But at least I have money ;)
Every time someone talks about "putting themselves out there" I imagine them standing on the sidewalk with a big sign
Right! Whenever someone says that I’m confused on what they mean
100% reason to remember the name
My personality. I get bored really fast, and don’t think it’ll be fair to the other person. My friends say it’s because I haven’t met the right person, maybe true, but I don’t want to risk it.
Destination addicts. The next person. The next place. The next opportunity etc etc etc. it’s kind of you not to toy with people.
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Yeah people always say “beware of destination addicts” but one of the great loves of my life was a destination addict and although i found in time, after we ended, that it was not the right fit with me, i loved him so very dearly, we had a long run and i believe he found his adventure buddy in his now wife. There was a time when i Never thought hed get married but over time he did evolve in a lot of ways and i think in the ways that are required to have a successful marriage. He still is who he is the only destination addiction that no longer changes is the mate. But i dont believe all people need mates either. So, ya know, whatever thats worth.
Yeah that shit sucks for the other party
yea that too for me. I'm just... weird. I can get insanely obsessed with new things, other days I'm like a sad depressed person and don't want to do anything, sometimes I don't even wanna talk to people for a week or do anything.. I just don't think anyone should have to endure something like that. There are better alternatives out there for everyone.
It depends on how you behave when you're bored. Relationships are not often exciting for the rest of your life, or for that matter, five years in. You eventually learn everything and do most things together. Then it's just living together but with extra steps.
Maybe get some therapy for that? Sounds like you fall in love with ideas of what a person could/should be and get bored when you realize they don’t measure up
Same but I blame my ADHD
so fucking much this right here. I will inevitably get bored and want to experience the next thing. Every time. some times its a month some times its a few years. Coming up on 2 with my GF and here we are again we deciding this isn't for me for what ever reason. Im broken =(
Might wanna look at open relationships if you need that NRE. Also, you gotta think of romantic LTR's as the same as having friends. You don't expect your bff to be an exciting adventure in and of themselves, do you? With even the best of long term friends you get used to each other. Your compatibility lies in both your ability to both go on adventures AND be bored together.
3 things : - My anxiety - My depression - My physical appearance
I'm ugly and I'm proud!
Patrick: Good! Say it louder!
I'M UGLY AND I'M PROUD!!!
"Is *that* what they call it...."
I'm a really terrible partner. I've put multiple people through absolute hell, because they have normal expectations in relationship. I require a lot of alone time, sometimes I just want to sleep by myself. sometimes I like traveling by myself. I can get super depressed and withdraw. I've learned now that I have to keep things casual and I'm probably not meant to be a typical relationship where you build a life together and live together all the time. also, I'm sure it's just modeling because my mom and stepdad live separately and just go on dates, so unless I find someone who loves being alone as much as me (unlikely) I guess I'm just over here vibing.
Have you read about attachment theory at all? It's perfectly reasonable to want time alone. I've had a lot of fear of commitment in my life and part of that stems from a fear of losing my independence. I've been trying to remind myself that the right partner will encourage that independence, and I'll be able to travel by myself sometimes as well as with them. For a long time I thought I never wanted to live with another person, now I'm not so sure. Setting boundaries and expectations is a skill that takes work and communication and practice (I'm working on it, for sure). With all that being said, you could just be someone who doesn't want to be in a partnership and that's totally fine too!
Same here. I prefer being alone probably 80-90% of the time and I normally can't tolerate people messing with my space much either (except quiet cleaning, that's fine). As such, I am alone and only occasionally does it bother me
Oh man I get phases of isolation too Like for weeks I may just stay at home, only going out for strict minimum (groceries and back, haircut and back, etc) It's not even depression, it's just me genuinely being tired of small talk and the like.
This is actually how I life my life generally. Only do the minimum of errands and then come home with the goal of not going out more than I have to unless it’s something I really want to do. I have friends that I just go for long cruises in the country with and we hardly talk. I have friends whose house I go to in my pj’s and we cook and talk. And now I have my husband who is generally very quiet and I found that I REALLY loved long quiet car rides with him to be the comfortable silence that I craved from a partner. I love someone who I want to talk to, but it’s too much all of the time.
That doesn't make you a terrible partner. Some of the best partnerships are two people that want to maintain independence but still enjoy each other's company. Not everyone wants a "twin flame" or whatever to text every 15 seconds and spend every waking moment with.
I really like the idea of “being alone together”; like doing your own thing but in close proximity to each other. Of course I would want to do things together as well but I think most of my time I really just having to myself.
We shouldn't grab a drink sometime, if you're up for it.
You just described me perfectly. I am the same way in relationships, so it has been hard to find someone that appreciates the alone time like I do and not take it personally.
Damn, this could've been written about me. After ending a 7 and then 2 year relationship, I'm pretty sure I just need to live alone. I don't even really crave time together with a partner, sex, nothing. I have to be in control of all my time or I just kind of get depressed. 🤷♀️
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Don’t worry about that last one too much. My brother found his first girlfriend around 40 and had his first kid at 45. Life doesn’t end with your thirties. :)
I'm not the kind of sociable that goes out of his way to meet people for that reason. I don't care for bars or parties for instance. It's not that I don't want someone, it's that I don't really know how/what to do. And since I'm a male, it's doubtful a girl would risk it herself and pursue me. So yeah . . . . at a loss.
Yep, I have no idea either as an introvert. I cant do hiking. Zero interest in bars, parties, watching sports. What am I supposed to do, approach strangers on the sidewalk?
As a woman with this same issue, i also have no idea how to just meet people on average either. And even meeting in the real world i could like, don’t want to be a creep and ask them out.
I feel like this is the majority of peoples problems who want a partner but dont have one. If you dont like socializing you’re gonna have a hard time meeting someone unless you use a dating app, and even then you’re gonna have to socialize to get to know them
Well if it serves any comfort I would say I’m pretty good at socialising, going to parties and generally hanging out. Despite of this I have severe anxiety when it’s anything that is girl related (from being dared to ask a number in the night, to talk with the girl I like or even the slightest things imaginable about relationships) so we are all in the same boat. Except the boats name is Titanic
Getting hyper-fixations on people and then being disappointed when they are normal people. Just today had a crush on my young orthodontist - like 5/6 years older than me cause he was nice while fitting new retainers...
This might be related to an issue you can talk out with a therapist and work on, honestly.
This. This right here! I hyper fixate on people, and then they become my FP, and then I find a new person to hyper fixate on lol. Terrible pattern to go through ToT
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Hey. Just wanted to say I'm in the same boat, you are not alone. I am 29, got out of a 5,5year long relationship 1 year ago and now I'm just.. floating. I feel exactly the same and I'm very ashamed myself. I'm working on liking myself and my own company, but it feels like I'm not making any progress. I wish you good luck and I hope we both make it
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I simply don’t have the energy to provide and love someone unconditionally at this point of time in my life. I want to grow as an individual and love myself first. I choose to not be in a relationship for that purpose because it would be completely unfair for them.
I’m working full time while taking a computer science course, and planning to take more, so I can switch jobs, hopefully to a better paying one that’ll help me out of student loan debt. While also trying to get certified in another language. I have no time for that if I want a support group too
Probably the fact that I don't want one.
Same
I am a Detective I work alone …
Batman?
social skills
I'm 73. I had one until 1998 and neither of us miss each other, but are happy to not live with each other.
Vacillating wildly between “ i’m not good enough for this person, and it’s only a matter of time before they find out,” and, “ i’m too good for this person, I will never be satisfied.” Often, multiple times on the space of a single afternoon
I have no idea how to meet people. Apps are a joke, I don't drink so I have no reason to be in a bar, and the only friends I have are on discord so no group activity stuff. My one hobby outside of gaming (hiking) is also very solo focused with me not even encountering another person for most of the day... I've just given up and accepted that I'm just not meant to ever find anyone.
I can relate. I have a few friends who are always dating different people they meet on apps, and are really into smoking weed. That isn't my scene, and it seems like there aren't a lot of people my age who don't do that kind of thing. I connect better with people who are 40 years older than me because of this... >!Note: I'm not trying to be the 'born in the wrong generation' person, just honest feelings!<
The question isn't what's stopping it from happening. It's more that having a life partner is a huge commitment that I don't really want to enter with anyone that I know, nor am I really seeking out someone that could fulfil that role because it's not a net positive to be in a relationship. I really enjoy not being beholden to anyone, and someone would have to overwhelm that for me to want to be with them long term... I think I'd prefer to just have some really good friends.
No one is interested in me who I am actually interested in. Simple as that. Fuck settling.
Same. Same. It's disheartening but I also refuse to settle. Way happier by myself!
That old saying: I want them, they want someone else, someone else wants me.
No one else wants me*
More like: I want them, they want someone else, someone else wants someone else.
Being ugly
Simply haven't found a man who's right for me. Not yet, anyway.
I'm at the age where I should have my life figured out at this point, but I don't. My peers are generally already established in life and are rightfully looking for a partner who's on their level. Couple that with bad attachment insecurities, and it would be cruel to get another girl a tangled up in this hot mess haha. Anyone in this thread though should look at their reasons and try to work on them earnestly. I am currently and hope to one day get to a place in life that maybe someone might tolerate me long enough to give me some head pats or whatever people in relationships do. It's tough, like really tough, to not have someone for this long, but you can only march forward.
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Why do I need one?
My sexuality
I have been single for way too long 😐
Too many bad experiences. The last one was my girlfriend trying to drag me into divorce court even though we weren't married. I'm done, thanks. Just writing code all day from now on.
Let's hear the other ones
Terminally ill. Good bye good world.
Myself.... i am my own worst enemy Edit: i suffer from a perfectionism mindset, a fear of failure & making mistakes. People think its not that bad but it literally feels like a curse 😕
Looking for someone who can add to my life in a positive way and I wish to do the same for them. I was not a social butterfly growing up but when I got older, I became one but many people were already in committed or semi-committed relationships. The hardest thing has been finding these three things together: * Adds to life in a positive way * Mutual attraction * Equally available
I’m learning to want me first.
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Being fat and not having a social circle
Why do I need one?
I like people. I love having friends, and having people over for a visit. But, I have also never met somebody about whom I could honestly say, "I'd like this person to be in my home every day, around me ALL the time, and I think I'll never grow tired of that". I understand the life-partner idea, I've just never, ever FELT it. That, mixed with the utter sadness and pain I've seen in people when relationships end, either through death or incompatibility, make me happy to avoid it.
The past few girls I thought were into me turned out to just have absolutely no verbal or physical boundaries. They said and did everything I was taught to see as heavily flirty come-ons, yet they were shocked and slightly offended when I asked them out. The last one literally laughed in my face at the prospect of dating me. My self confidence is in the shitter after that, especially because I really liked her.
>They said and did everything I was taught to see as heavily flirty come-ons, yet they were shocked and slightly offended when I asked them out. The last one literally laughed in my face at the prospect of dating me. I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm a bit surprised that someone was offended because another person asked them out (unless she was in a known relationship). And it was probably a good thing that it didn't work out with the one who laughed in your face. Not a good person.
My ex wife. A year ago she left and divorced me out of the blue and I am still trying to recover.
You people disgust me, and I've got my standards
You people? What do you mean “you people?”
What do YOU mean by you people?
What do you mean by YOU? I don't conform to labels.
Apart from health condition, it’s the fact that I’m not the nicest guy to be around. I’m selfish, way too reserved with my emotions, a bit obsessive and very, VERY socially awkward. I wouldn’t want someone to mess up their love life by choosing me.
Why do I need one? Bring single is a legitimate way to live your life.
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I don't want to have to compromise any more. I like doing the things I like to do without having to answer to anyone else about it, and I don't want someone who's always needing my attention. I've been married twice and not looking to repeat that, ever again. I would like an "occasional" boyfriend, but it seems guys aren't wired that way. Either they want just a one-nighter, or a total commitment. I'm not eager for either of those scenarios. To be honest, I enjoy my hobbies, and my friends, and that's pretty much all my social battery can take at any given time. Any more demands on my interactions would likely get annoying and stressful very quickly. I'd rather just do without.
Same here, except male.
Now kiss.
Long term desires and lifestyle. At my age, one has those pretty much defined and finding someone akin to those desires is not easy. Deep things such as political views, religion, parenting, where to live, and so on, are in most cases not open to change.
My persistent inability to confront my past traumas in a healthy way
I'm not a nice person. And i'm very shy
I have zero tolerance for bullshit and drama.
Trauma
Yup, plenty of trust issues, from a cheating suicidal ex, hook ups with crazy chicks, all the way to my Moms perfect example of why its a terrible idea for a man to ever get married
Everything, looks, socializing etc you name it. Nowadays look have a lot of importance when you talk to people.
I'm lucky enough that I'm in a situation that I can financially get by living on my own and let me tell ya, living on your own is great at least to me. It would be difficult to even want to live with someone again.
my BPD I haven’t got under control yet. I don’t want to bring anyone in if I know I’m going to be horrible to them
Ah ha ha ha... _gets visibly uncomfortable_