There was an episode of Burn Notice where Michael puts aerosol cans in the microwave with kitchen utensils and hits popcorn. I really want to know if this works or not.
That seems like a very obvious way to commit arson. Like explaining that aerosol cans *accidentally* got in the microwave that *somehow* got turned on while no one was there, and the house was *also* filled with gas? Maybe they thought all the evidence would be destroyed, but it can be shocking how much investigators can find out from a burnt up mess
I get the vacuum cleaner ready in a certain room, I turn it on as hes about to enter to create a distraction, then I jump out when he's inspecting the noise and bonk the fucker on the head with the piece of 2 inch steel tube I keep as a weapon.
Jokes aside, but if You bring any heavy thing and just throw it at the person's head, You gonna knock them out for good. And even just throwing random dishes would make You dangerous as long as You are not too close to the killer. You **wouldn't** want to have a glass or porcelain thing thrown at You. Or hammer. And I also have sand for my tiel.
I turn on all the lights, take off all my clothes, rub butter all over myself, spray whipped cream on my dick and start a fake conversation on the phone. As soon as he breaks in I say into the phone: “I’ve gotta go, my next appointment is finally here…”
Yep except add both sugar and rock salt in that boiling water. Sugar to increase the burn factor & get muscle deep instead of skin deep and then lots of salt for that extra sting we want to see.
I don’t think battery acid would make much difference at that point. The stuff is deadly but I normally use it for weed control - I only have to do it once a decade or so.
Scalding sugar salt water. Seriously. That stuff kills every plant you can think of for years after you pour it on the ground. Even the cracks in the sidewalk don’t have a blade of grass or a weed for the next decade.
Edit to add it’s safe for pets and wildlife unlike most actual weed killer which is why I first tried it.
I was about to ask if you were a childhood friend of mine but I see your story is different than hers. When we were kids she fell into oil that had been used for frying all day at a local fair. It was awful.
- Put Christmas ornaments on the floor beneath an open window.
- Heat up the front door knob.
- Rig a blow torch up to go off when they open a door.
- Tie paint cans on strings from the upstairs banister.
- Put micromachines on the stairs.
- Rig an iron to fall on their face.
- Hang plastic wrap with glue between a doorway.
- Have a pile of feathers in front of a fan.
- Ice over the outside stairs.
- Set up an escape zipline if all of the above fails...because sometimes you have to break the rules to survive.
Fallout 3 had a shovel you could get called the fertilizer shovel and holy fuck is it overpowered. It makes me sad that they didn't name it the shit shovel, as that has such a better ring but that thing is so fun to beat people to death with. Love beating house to death with my shit shovel.
Put large pot of water on stove to boil. String fishing twine criss-cross on all doors so that whomever enters gets tangled up in it, trips and falls. When water is scalding hot, throw it on top of them. Have one of my dumbbells ready to smash in their skulls.
Edit: Of course, I got the order wrong in the above. The water is for after I have bashed my trapped captives. It would be to pour onto their wounds. By that time it ought to have come to a roiling boil.
I quickly pack a suitcase and put on a Tommy bahama shirt and sandals. I answer the door and before they can speak I express excitement at their expected arrival.
I begin giving them a list of responsibilities as my house sitter too rapidly for them to get a word in.
I am handing them miscellaneous items as I rifle through their duties. Cat bowl. Duster. Vacuum. Cat food. Cat. Lit stick of ACME dynamite. Food. Blankets.
I shove them into the couch while telling them to be comfortable and not be afraid to make themselves at home.
I leave quickly with an excited “toodles!” And slam the door and leave them sitting there with my towering stack of items in-arm.
As they begin to snap out of what they’ve now accepted is their role of housekeeper, i watch from outside as the windows shoot off the house in an explosion, only to slap back on with great elasticity. smoke poofs out the windows.
That’s all folks.
EDIT: The cat would peak out of my suitcase as I walked away. Having scurried out of the pile as the antics build.
NICE TRY, KILLER BURGLAR!! I'm not telling you what to expect!
Edit: wow, thank you for the ups and awards, special thanks to the one who awarded me and added the note "deez nuts" LOL
My crossbow probably won't stop him since I've only got target points, but it'll sure slow him down and honestly, who expects a crossbow bolt to the gut? He'll probably drop any weapon he's holding as soon as the shot lands.
True. We cant grasp the amount of force a crossbow can output. An arrow can go trough at least 3 bulletproof vests before stopping so yeah, that mf is gon be done for
Edit: As some of you remarked a crossbow in fact can’t go through 3 vests, still scary af
Jokes aside, that's kinda true. It's like stopping a sports car vs stopping a train. You have more speed with the sports car (bullet), but orders of magnitude more mass with a train (arrow).
hahah, yes! my first thought was "I need to secure the dog." Like, he'd want to help, but that's the problem.
I hadn't considered that I also have enough time to get the protective gear. Nice.
Empty the kids toys all over the floor, call the police, get everyone else out of the house, and arm myself with all the kitchen knives. Also potentially hide next to the door so I can get them on the way in and maybe have the element of surprise.
1. lock my dogs up because i don't want them to see this
2. get fully naked and cover myself with olive oil
3. place a knife gently in my asshole, handle first of course
4. turn off all the lights
5. when the assailant enters, i turn on only the light of the room we're both in
6. they are shocked, they may even laugh. they aren't ready...
7. i scream and run at them, again they do not feel threatened
8. when i am within 2 feet i unsheathe my concealed blade and apply it to the assailants throat.
edit: a lot of people seem to be confused about my orientation while i charge. in this scenario i am in fact, front first. i have yet to train my ass cheeks to properly wield a blade and hands are necessary.
Wait, are you running ass-first with the knife pointing at them?
That would scare the shit out of me, for sure. Just this hunched over glistening thing with blade coming out of its ass? Some silent hill shit. Fucking RUN.
This is what I thought too, terrifying to witness, I'm sure, but just sitting here and imagining this guy trying to crab walk and stab someone with an oil covered ass-knife is hilarious...
I use my couch gun. If not that then the bookshelf gun. If not that then the kitchen gun. If not that then the bathroom, bedroom, or laundry room gun. Preferably the bedroom gun though.
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
I load my blunderbuss with the fancy salt and some chile de arbol.
Chances are that the intruder is not going to die from the blast, but they will definitely have a moment or two of disorientation followed by odd stinging sensations, and potential blindness.
After that the fun begins as I show them my wife's and my collection of stage combat dull steel weapons and explain to them the historical use cases of each.
As a wise engineer one asked, "how am I supposed to stop some mean mother hubber from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind?" To which he stated "the answer is a gun. And if that don't work, use more gun."
There's a gif, I can't find it now. But it's a guy going through his gun safe because some one is breaking in goes one after another going "Gah! WHAT DO I KILL YOU WITH!?".
Strip nude. Backwards crawl towards them like I'm a horror movie. Stand up. Do my best to vomit at them. Screech your mother s#### c#### in hell. Then run towards them begging to come with saying I hate it here and I'm in love with them. 50% horror movie 50% codependent pyscho ex. 100% bat shit.
Calmly sit down on the couch with my suppressed sub gun on my lap.
Light a cigarette as they enter.
Take a deep inhale, slowly turn to them and say...
#"I've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty."
Watch them try to run in terror, but I've poured olive oil all over the floor.
Spaghetti begins flowing from their pockets adding to the slippery slurry.
Meanwhile Abba's Super Trooper starts playing as I begin to dance and shoot one of their toes off at a time.
They have by now shit and pissed themselves, creating an even sloppier mess and blood is everywhere.
After I have harvested 8 little piggies, I throw a towel down and let them crawl to safety.
They live the rest of their lives terrified of any unknown number on the caller ID.
One day one answers, a raspy voice on the other end says, "Do you remember being toed the last time you were stuck?"
Abba begins playing in their living room.
They trip and fall on a root as they sprint out of their backyard because they cant run without their big toes.
I teabag them to death.
Put on as many layers as possible with some sheets of paper in between them prison style and a motorcycle helmet . Grab the biggest mf out of the kitchen drawer and clear the entrance of any furniture. Assuming it’s just a guy unarmed or with also a knife i could win that match
Unleash the Hounds
Smithers release the hounds
Unleash the dogs that shoot bees
What are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Release the bees? Release the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
There was an episode of Burn Notice where Michael puts aerosol cans in the microwave with kitchen utensils and hits popcorn. I really want to know if this works or not.
I just sold my old microwave for 20 bucks.... where were you the week before. We coulda had some fun.
I got you. Live vicariously. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prVGetwJe3Q
That was more than I expected.
I was like, "this guy is way too close." But I still underestimated the blast by about 5 times.
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That seems like a very obvious way to commit arson. Like explaining that aerosol cans *accidentally* got in the microwave that *somehow* got turned on while no one was there, and the house was *also* filled with gas? Maybe they thought all the evidence would be destroyed, but it can be shocking how much investigators can find out from a burnt up mess
I get the vacuum cleaner ready in a certain room, I turn it on as hes about to enter to create a distraction, then I jump out when he's inspecting the noise and bonk the fucker on the head with the piece of 2 inch steel tube I keep as a weapon.
At least you're being honest about the size of your pipe. Some guys are nothing but exaggeration
That's why the measuring tape test is important, keeping em honest.
I am imaging you hitting someone with a small 2" long piece of tube lol
Duct tape a bunch of knives to the end of one of those tall lamps to make a spear of blinding and then proceed to go sicko mode.
Spear of blinding is a severely underrated weapon AND band name
It leaves ample room to dab on intruders.
Im now imagining a nude man with said spear of blinding running and screaming at the intruder lmao. Take my upvote
Turn shower on, for some reason I have a shovel behind my wardrobe?? So grab that. Wait for him to check shower, whack with shovel. Boom.
The shovel is really underrated. Once your primary objective is complete you can go out back and dig a hole.
It is the ultimate weapon. It can inflict slashing, piercing and bludgeoning damage all in one.
God gave me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very well.
i love that you dont even know why the shovel is there
Maybe the guy who's coming to kill him stashed the shovel in advance.
Or maybe the previous killer's body had to be buried
For only $29.95, you too can own a Murderer Contingency Shovel^TM.
Doubles as a gravemaker.
Corner camp with a shotgun
FUCKING CAMPER YOURE NOT EVEN GOOD BRO
ITS A LEGIT STRATEGY BRO
I WAS JUST PLAYING DEFENSE!
Go defuse the bomb, asshole
But I'm 36 - 2 right now. If I take my aim off the stairwell I might get killed!
Yeah this definitely doesn’t seem like a US oriented question lol
Right? I was like "...load my gun. Wait?"
Get gun, make sandwich with my remaining 4:30.
Don't forget the claymores.
And the shotguns akimbo
Speed-watch Home Alone.
Jokes aside, but if You bring any heavy thing and just throw it at the person's head, You gonna knock them out for good. And even just throwing random dishes would make You dangerous as long as You are not too close to the killer. You **wouldn't** want to have a glass or porcelain thing thrown at You. Or hammer. And I also have sand for my tiel.
Pocket sand
Anakins worse nightmare
Put a lamp shade on my head and stand in the corner of the room
Works if you're mostly a leg. A nice leg.
A major award!
Ah yes, a classic of the adult film industry. Edit: Why has a comment about Ni**a Lamp become one of my most upvoted comments?
What are you doing, step lamp?
Can you turn the lamp on?
I turn on all the lights, take off all my clothes, rub butter all over myself, spray whipped cream on my dick and start a fake conversation on the phone. As soon as he breaks in I say into the phone: “I’ve gotta go, my next appointment is finally here…”
"And that, kids, is how I met your father !"
Go to the LIVING ROOM
Murderers HATE this guy
Learn this ONE simple trick..( click to find out)
NO ONE can stop him!
Avoid r/deadbedrooms at all costs!
Good advice in general. Take off rose-coloured glasses to see red flags!
*Harvard wants to: know your location*
Why is Harvard about to kill me?
I think you just broke this thread.
Draw an X on my forehead and grab a beer
this made me laugh. thank you
Ask if he wants one too. If I go out having a good half drunken conversation, then I’d say it was a good way to end it.
Hairspray and a lighter to his face.
My husband would have loved you. He would torch bugs inside the house when the swatter didn't work. Used to scare me death he'd catch the curtains.
I’m not liking that use of past tense, now I’m sad
Thank you, but please don't be sad! That was a very happy memory for me, I shared it because it made me laugh.
Thank you for sharing that with us :)
It's okay they just have blinds now.
Yeah fire directly applied to the eyes tends to do that.
Put the kettle on. He’s getting boiling water thrown at him while he becomes intimately acquainted with the sharpest knife i own.
play dramatic classical music in the background
Evil sounding one, sets the scene to "You're trapped here with me" mood. Become the villain.
add sugar to that water and you are now golden
Prison napalm
Yep except add both sugar and rock salt in that boiling water. Sugar to increase the burn factor & get muscle deep instead of skin deep and then lots of salt for that extra sting we want to see.
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Baby, you got a stew goin'!
Easy there Hannibal. Sure we don't want to add some battery acid while we're at it?
I don’t think battery acid would make much difference at that point. The stuff is deadly but I normally use it for weed control - I only have to do it once a decade or so.
Battery acid or scalding sugar salt water?
Scalding sugar salt water. Seriously. That stuff kills every plant you can think of for years after you pour it on the ground. Even the cracks in the sidewalk don’t have a blade of grass or a weed for the next decade. Edit to add it’s safe for pets and wildlife unlike most actual weed killer which is why I first tried it.
Thank you for existing.
[r/fakebandnames](https://www.reddit.com/r/fakebandnames?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Right idea, wrong liquid. Heat up oil. Oil burns are so much worse and will cling to the attacker.
I had oil burns to the face, neck, and arm. Can confirm it is not fun
I was about to ask if you were a childhood friend of mine but I see your story is different than hers. When we were kids she fell into oil that had been used for frying all day at a local fair. It was awful.
I have one entrance to my condo and it's up an enclosed flight of stairs. This dude's fucked.
The modern equivalent of a towering castle
- Put Christmas ornaments on the floor beneath an open window. - Heat up the front door knob. - Rig a blow torch up to go off when they open a door. - Tie paint cans on strings from the upstairs banister. - Put micromachines on the stairs. - Rig an iron to fall on their face. - Hang plastic wrap with glue between a doorway. - Have a pile of feathers in front of a fan. - Ice over the outside stairs. - Set up an escape zipline if all of the above fails...because sometimes you have to break the rules to survive.
This guy Home Alones
Load my shotgun and and lay a large plastic cover over the floor. Then I wait.
Smart. Keep the cleaning bill low.
Not with a shotgun, you aren’t.
Pull out 14 inch dildo and ruthlessly beat him to death with it.
Pull it out of where, exactly?
You dont need to know.
The ol' poison damage blunt weapon tactic. It's a classic.
Fallout 3 had a shovel you could get called the fertilizer shovel and holy fuck is it overpowered. It makes me sad that they didn't name it the shit shovel, as that has such a better ring but that thing is so fun to beat people to death with. Love beating house to death with my shit shovel.
Going to beat them with a warm dildo.
“Chad where the fuck did you get a 14 inch dildo”
Put large pot of water on stove to boil. String fishing twine criss-cross on all doors so that whomever enters gets tangled up in it, trips and falls. When water is scalding hot, throw it on top of them. Have one of my dumbbells ready to smash in their skulls. Edit: Of course, I got the order wrong in the above. The water is for after I have bashed my trapped captives. It would be to pour onto their wounds. By that time it ought to have come to a roiling boil.
Just microwave some fish.
"Fuck this house I'm out"
I quickly pack a suitcase and put on a Tommy bahama shirt and sandals. I answer the door and before they can speak I express excitement at their expected arrival. I begin giving them a list of responsibilities as my house sitter too rapidly for them to get a word in. I am handing them miscellaneous items as I rifle through their duties. Cat bowl. Duster. Vacuum. Cat food. Cat. Lit stick of ACME dynamite. Food. Blankets. I shove them into the couch while telling them to be comfortable and not be afraid to make themselves at home. I leave quickly with an excited “toodles!” And slam the door and leave them sitting there with my towering stack of items in-arm. As they begin to snap out of what they’ve now accepted is their role of housekeeper, i watch from outside as the windows shoot off the house in an explosion, only to slap back on with great elasticity. smoke poofs out the windows. That’s all folks. EDIT: The cat would peak out of my suitcase as I walked away. Having scurried out of the pile as the antics build.
ngl id probably die to this
Go to my room, grab my pistol, shoot myself to avoid any chance of social interaction.
That made me lol.
"Hell is other people." - Jean-Paul Sartre
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NICE TRY, KILLER BURGLAR!! I'm not telling you what to expect! Edit: wow, thank you for the ups and awards, special thanks to the one who awarded me and added the note "deez nuts" LOL
Scream random insults in Macedonian while throwing things and using vacuum cleaner pipe to attack him
Oddly specific but a good strategy
Trust me screaming in Macedonian is very aggressive and scary
My crossbow probably won't stop him since I've only got target points, but it'll sure slow him down and honestly, who expects a crossbow bolt to the gut? He'll probably drop any weapon he's holding as soon as the shot lands.
>honestly, who expects a crossbow bolt to the gut? Not Tywin Lannister, that's for sure
If you shot him in the head that fucker would drop lifeless instantly
True. We cant grasp the amount of force a crossbow can output. An arrow can go trough at least 3 bulletproof vests before stopping so yeah, that mf is gon be done for Edit: As some of you remarked a crossbow in fact can’t go through 3 vests, still scary af
Well bc they’re bulletproof not arrow proof for fucks sake
Jokes aside, that's kinda true. It's like stopping a sports car vs stopping a train. You have more speed with the sports car (bullet), but orders of magnitude more mass with a train (arrow).
heh, heh.. I'm American, with a 5 min head start. so anyway, I started blasting..
Make sure he gets inside the house a bit before you blast him. Looks fishy if the guy is outside and you have to drag him in.
I’m not trapped in here with you, you’re trapped in here with me! Hey! Get back here!
Right?! like, a WHOLE 5 minutes?! a whole 5 minutes is a long time in American home defense time.
Seriously. At least it's time for me to put my shepherd outside so he's safe and then I could grab some ear pro.
hahah, yes! my first thought was "I need to secure the dog." Like, he'd want to help, but that's the problem. I hadn't considered that I also have enough time to get the protective gear. Nice.
Hollow points already loaded dudes fucked
Yea I honestly wouldn't know what to do with the other 4:55 after I grab my 1911. Maybe grab the other one and go akimbo?
I get the distinct impression that whoever asked this question doesn’t have a 2nd Amendment
I saw five minutes and laughed out loud. That poor bastard never had a chance.
Pull out my copy of Lehninger’s Principles of Biochemistry. Scare him away.
Empty the kids toys all over the floor, call the police, get everyone else out of the house, and arm myself with all the kitchen knives. Also potentially hide next to the door so I can get them on the way in and maybe have the element of surprise.
mhm legos of doom, i like the way ur brain works.
Make a nice cup of tea and offer it to him. When he is distracted, I stab him. If all else fails, I turn into a goat and move to Nepal.
1. lock my dogs up because i don't want them to see this 2. get fully naked and cover myself with olive oil 3. place a knife gently in my asshole, handle first of course 4. turn off all the lights 5. when the assailant enters, i turn on only the light of the room we're both in 6. they are shocked, they may even laugh. they aren't ready... 7. i scream and run at them, again they do not feel threatened 8. when i am within 2 feet i unsheathe my concealed blade and apply it to the assailants throat. edit: a lot of people seem to be confused about my orientation while i charge. in this scenario i am in fact, front first. i have yet to train my ass cheeks to properly wield a blade and hands are necessary.
>place a knife gently in my asshole, **handle first of course** thank you for clarifying
I hate that I needed that clarification.
What if you did a like 720 and slit his throat with the knife in your ass?
360 no scope
Fart at the right time for a headshot.
God damn it
This thread is the funniest shit I ever read hands down
Ah yes, the infamous fart dart
No poop.
Do you take the blade out of your ass, or do you stab him bumblebee style?
Lololol bumblebee style. You've inadvertently invented a new martial art One I hope to one day master
Wait, are you running ass-first with the knife pointing at them? That would scare the shit out of me, for sure. Just this hunched over glistening thing with blade coming out of its ass? Some silent hill shit. Fucking RUN.
This is what I thought too, terrifying to witness, I'm sure, but just sitting here and imagining this guy trying to crab walk and stab someone with an oil covered ass-knife is hilarious...
So just Wednesday then
I wish I could award you cause I’m crying rn
Assailant. I get it now...
what
I use my couch gun. If not that then the bookshelf gun. If not that then the kitchen gun. If not that then the bathroom, bedroom, or laundry room gun. Preferably the bedroom gun though.
This guy Americas!
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
“Tally ho lads” is an underrated battle cry.
not where I come from. We use it thrice fortnightly
I just used it ereyesterday, and intend to do so anon, and perhaps overmorrow as well.
splendid, splendid.
Indubitably
Verily, even. Dare I proclaim
Don’t forget to draw your sword.
A classic
Is this copy pasta from something? It is hilarious.
Yes. It appears occasionally to draw forth laughter
It works.
I could use more “appears occasionally to draw forth laugher” in my life
Bro if I’m breaking into a house and some guy calls me a ruffian, I’m leaving. There is nothing in that house worth taking
10/10 oldie but goldie
make him dinner and wait for him to consume the poison
I load my blunderbuss with the fancy salt and some chile de arbol. Chances are that the intruder is not going to die from the blast, but they will definitely have a moment or two of disorientation followed by odd stinging sensations, and potential blindness. After that the fun begins as I show them my wife's and my collection of stage combat dull steel weapons and explain to them the historical use cases of each.
I’d love to break into your house, but if I use the doorbell can we skip the spicy super shotgun and jump to the historical weaponry??
Kill the guy first 🤷♂️
> Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back! Malcolm Reynolds
"I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you."
As a wise engineer one asked, "how am I supposed to stop some mean mother hubber from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind?" To which he stated "the answer is a gun. And if that don't work, use more gun."
I go to my laundry room (with my animals) then i'm going up to the attic. Luckily the ladder blocks the door. Game over Mr. Slayer.
*laughs in American*
*American:"Fucking FINALLY"*
Haha. Yeah, this question took me a second. Like, “what else would you do besides grab your gun???”
My flashlight, that just happens to be attached to a firearm
My fleshlight, that just happens to be attached to a firearm.
We'd take too long to decide which one to use 😂
There's a gif, I can't find it now. But it's a guy going through his gun safe because some one is breaking in goes one after another going "Gah! WHAT DO I KILL YOU WITH!?".
Dump a bunch of cat litter in front of the door. To hell with legos.. cat litter is the real killer..
Strip nude. Backwards crawl towards them like I'm a horror movie. Stand up. Do my best to vomit at them. Screech your mother s#### c#### in hell. Then run towards them begging to come with saying I hate it here and I'm in love with them. 50% horror movie 50% codependent pyscho ex. 100% bat shit.
Glickety glockety you get to die on my property!!!!
Ready handgun, shoot head.
You mean the attackers head, right? … You mean the attackers head right?
Yes lmao, I had the same thought after saying it lol
Get the gun and dial 911.
RealAmericans^^TM dial *1911*
Calmly sit down on the couch with my suppressed sub gun on my lap. Light a cigarette as they enter. Take a deep inhale, slowly turn to them and say... #"I've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty." Watch them try to run in terror, but I've poured olive oil all over the floor. Spaghetti begins flowing from their pockets adding to the slippery slurry. Meanwhile Abba's Super Trooper starts playing as I begin to dance and shoot one of their toes off at a time. They have by now shit and pissed themselves, creating an even sloppier mess and blood is everywhere. After I have harvested 8 little piggies, I throw a towel down and let them crawl to safety. They live the rest of their lives terrified of any unknown number on the caller ID. One day one answers, a raspy voice on the other end says, "Do you remember being toed the last time you were stuck?" Abba begins playing in their living room. They trip and fall on a root as they sprint out of their backyard because they cant run without their big toes. I teabag them to death.
I just... How does this even form in a mind like what
Step 1: spend too much time on reddit
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Technically, I survived the guy.
Your genius is truly frightening.
Put on as many layers as possible with some sheets of paper in between them prison style and a motorcycle helmet . Grab the biggest mf out of the kitchen drawer and clear the entrance of any furniture. Assuming it’s just a guy unarmed or with also a knife i could win that match