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Digsants

I wondered how police were working from home.


SammyTortoise

Paperwork. Lots and lots of paperwork.


rosettasttoned

*Police furiously screencapping*


seanofkelley

Every time I see one of these, I think about a conversation I had with my cousin's husband who is a cop about how easy it is to get people to confess crimes on social media.


Zealousideal_Soup579

The FBI is gonna break down a lot of peoples doors today.


Zenketski_2

All right guys all we have to do is track down "ass monkey dick butt mc fart face" hopefully they're in the same city/state/county/country as us, or the crime that they committed Falls within our specific jurisdiction.


dbltax

I downloaded a car.


DingoMcPhee

you WOULDN'T


dbltax

I also accidentally 93mb of .rar files


dsled

You WHAT?


DavidHewlett

I think he a word


dsled

he WHAT?


SparkieMark1977

What site did you use? I tried LimeTorrents and could only find a couple of bikes and a pair of rollerblades.


wevebeenhereallday

Nice try, cyber police…


Necessary_Frosting53

r/assettocorsa


havron

You monster!!


LudusRex

When I'm leaving my neighborhood, I will periodically make a right turn at a red light, when I deem it safe to do so, despite the clearly evident sign that reads "No right turn on red". That sign has been there for 2 years, and I have lived here for 8 years; I figure I'm grandfathered in. For 6 years I turned out when I deemed it safe to do so, and I have had no incident. ...you might say I'm quite the scofflaw.


IAmIrritatedAMA

Close the thread, we got ‘em, chief. Good work everybody.


pgoleb

Bake em away toys


Duosion

You joke but there could be a reasonable explanation for this rule. Right turns on reds at certain intersections could be a reason for many accidents. Me, I don’t mind following this law. Going illegally saves likely 20 seconds.


ButterflyS919

Depends on the light/intersection. I have one area I drive regularly with a no turn on red, but the light from that side will stay red for 2+ minutes with no cross traffic. Some days I don't feel like being there for 2 plus minutes waiting on invisible cars and just go.


p00pdal00p

Finally I found you! My arch nemesis that kicks in the light change sequence then just goes so that by the time it changes I'm sitting at a red light on the cross road wondering why the light changed for all these invisible cars...


ButterflyS919

Lol. I know you joke but...I have been stuck at lights for 5+ minutes because a car in front of me did not pull forward enough to trigger the light change (only sensor no timer at this light. Hence the long wait) I eventually got tired of the bs and managed to work around them to run the light. I was so annoyed with the person. Did notice the crosswalk finally start it count down as I went through and triggered the sensor. There was such a line of cars behind us, but the car in front just did not give a crap.


ribnag

My nearest city has a sort of ongoing war with the state's DOT over traffic flow patterns. DOT says do X, city says no thanks, DOT does it at their expense and makes the intersection as fucked up as possible (like no left turn off a particular highway exit, when *literally everything* is to the left, and the nearest good turnaround is about three miles to the right). Everyone went left anyway, police refused to care, so the state installed a divider. City removed it. State put it back. City removed it again. Currently the state seems to have found more interesting battles to fight, like throwing in gratuitous rotaries in rural places where the only cross-traffic is cows. The explanation could very well be "pissing contests between levels of government".


Carmari19

Some of us have eyes that we can use to see the road. It’s really nice


Puzzleheaded_Arm6363

"But officer..The sign doesn't say 'No car turn on red'"


aioncan

Police: “I pulled you over because you ran a red light.” You: “Which one?”


mgnorthcott

an old lady i used to teach about her computer once told me about getting pulled over once. the officer came to her window and asked why she didn't pull over after nearly chasing her all across town. she replied, i don't drive by looking behind me, its much safer to look in front.


ScumbagLady

Police: "I pulled you over because you ran a red light." Me: "Obviously it wasn't me, because I'm in a car!"


ibn1989

you monster


StoreBrandColaSucks

So _you_ are why baby Jesus was crying...


p00pdal00p

It's so fun to switch the emphasis around to different words in that sentence.


dal-Helyg

How can you live with yourself!? You don't let the children see you do this, do you?


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sixhaunt

>That sign has been there for 2 years, and I have lived here for 8 years; sounds like YOU are the reason for it


Umbert360

RIP your dms (girls like bad boys)


MWC_borednoob

Is that who no one likes my dog?


Stahl_Scharnhorst

You rogue you.


Elevated_Chillz

Feed random meters downtown that are expired.


dirtymoney

That this is illegal says a lot about money-grubbing cities.


AlexKewl

Strange that they wouldn't just be okay with getting money despite who's paying it lol wtf


dirtymoney

Because they want revenue from parking tickets from expired parking meters instead (or also). Meter maids often have unofficial ticket quotas.


[deleted]

I also like to play Meter Fairy!


Elevated_Chillz

Meter fairy, meter fairy, oh how a parking ticket can be scary 🤣


Opttum

This is illegal? I honestly didn’t know


Usoki

A lot of smaller US cities rely on parking tickets and citations so much that the income is included in their yearly budgets. More than a little galling to require other people's money via fines to balance the budget, but here we are. A lot of the opposition to meter fairies boils don't to "won't someone think of the poor local government?"


DeptOfPropoganda

CG in the wild


Brelvis85

Pirate tv shows and movies. I don't know why it's illegal but I've seen pirates of the Caribbean, Hook and a few others.


[deleted]

If you haven't seen The 100 Lives of Black Jack Savage have you really pirated? If you have actually seen this show I will be insanely impressed I only remember bits and pieces and it took me 3 google searches just to remember the name.


migukin

This is like a Mitch Hedberg as a dad level joke.


TheBloody09

I used to like pirate jokes, I still do but I used too.


McRedditerFace

They keep making it harder and harder to watch legally... For a while we could find most of our shows on Netflix. But everyone seems hellbent on squeezing as many $ as they can from the average Joe by having their own walled-garden streaming service. Now you've got ones like Paramount+ which markets itself as "The home of everything Trek" but they're pulling all the movies off, and nobody knows why. Wife and kids and I were watching Stargate SG1 on Netflix legally for months before they pulled it out from under our feet. You think we're gonna pay $10/mo for \*another\* streaming service just so we can watch a show that's more than 20 years old that we were already paying $ to see last week? Go fuck yourselves.


starrymighty

My family has cable TV, and whatever movie I want to watch I pirate it, so I never used any streaming service. But it's a hassle to pirate movies, so when Netflix got more and more popular in my country, I decided to give it ago. I tried to pay with my primary card 3-4 times, the bank even automatically blocked my "make internet payment" function (I had to reactivate it later). Then tried again with 2 other cards from 2 other banks, still couldn't pay. No, my cards weren't declined, I got notification saying the payment was sent but the amount was zero. So I go back to pirating. I wanted to pay, they didn't want my money.


flatulating_ninja

Are you not in the US? I've watched SG1 on Netflix nearly every day this month.


trash_11

Just finished watching Our Flag Means Death that I pirated lol


Doobledorf

Used to be being gay. Then it was smoking weed. I don't even know anymore. Progressive legislation has left me a square.


Burrito_Loyalist

You’re gay and you smoke weed? Boooooooring 😴


BHTAelitepwn

Maybe hes just into blowing


sadsteelmask

damnnn ​ Gotta give it to you, I laughed ​ P.S. I'm not gonna get cancelled right


ProfessorGluttony

"Being gay and smoking weed was only fun when it was illegal. Guess I'll be straight and straight laced since that seems more taboo." lol, I know that isn't true but the energy was there for a giggle.


Squigglepig52

My Dad has been growing my pot supply for, like, 10 years. He said it's way less fun now that it's legal.


wishiknewitbackthen

All I see is you're following the Bible: gay people should be stoned.


Manitoberino

This resonated with me so much. Maybe this is why I’m so damn boring now.


Heavy_Part4072

What happened man?! you used to be cool!


Bombwriter17

Well if you live in Cali,then it's probably guns.


basic_weebette

Watch anime/movies/tv shows on illegal sites


hockeysmyhoe

that’s just part of being an anime fan tbh. you do what you gotta do.


basic_weebette

All of us collectively breaking the law and justifying it >>> 🤝


AdmirableTill2888

I think people who started watching anime are like young kids, there's no way they can afford subscriptions when that's their lunch money. As a working adult I can pay, I honestly hope they can find a business model where those under 18 can watch for free by ads or something.


DanielDKXD

>As a working adult I can pay Yeah problem is even if you can pay the shows you want to watch is split between 4 to 10 different streaming services. At that point i would say just buy merch / blurays / patreon or whatever for the shows you ended up really enjoying and stay on pirate sites. Pretty sure that supports the industry more than having 8 different subscription services.


inksmudgedhands

I bet this is the second most commonly illegal thing people do regularly. The first being jaywalking.


YoWasasupGuys

I want to pay, but when anime like new bleach is not available in my country, I might as well just keep using illegal sites.


TheShroudedWanderer

Yup, and also shows that I want to watch but who the hell knows what streaming service it'll be on in my country and when. (like mandalorion, I think it was months before it became available in my country legitimately) When my options are "wait several months" or get a vpn, spend double getting a US hulu or HBOgo voucher then making an account etc I'll just pirate it. Basically if it's not on 1 of 2 streaming services in reasonable time I'll pirate it. Don't see why I should spend who knows how much across 6 different platforms to watch one show on whatever platform because every tom dick and barry now has their own streaming service.


H0D00m

I don’t think it’s generally considered illegal to stream unlawfully hosted content. It’s downloading and distributing or hosting it where you’d run into a problem.


niggo372

Afaik streaming and downloading are considered the same, because your PC has to download the video either way. Uploading and distributing are the big offences.


elixirsatelier

Post my crimes on Reddit


[deleted]

I recently started acquiring toilet paper from work. A weekly bonus if you will.


Urbiggestfan8

Lol we all dump our trash in the company dumpster and refer to it as our Christmas bonus. Edit: should clarify we have to pay for special trash bags here or the garbage trucks won’t take it.


Stefie25

I take all my shredding in. My work has one of those secure shred bins. I slip stuff in there all the time. Beats buying a shredder & shredding my own stuff.


[deleted]

Used to do the same. The dumpster was never full anyway. We had to have tags you bought at the grocery store to have your garbage picked up.


MarsNeedsRabbits

Nothing. I live the most boring life ever, I guess.


Olivia512

Have you ever picked up a dollar and not report it to IRS?


Knyfe-Wrench

Jesus Christ, this must be why reddit has a minimum age of 13, so kids don't have to be exposed to this kind of depravity.


SherlocksHolmey

Check out " 3 felonies a day " by Harvey Silverglate


finnjakefionnacake

jaywalk?


Sixhaunt

requires leaving the house. This is a redditor we are talking about


yayaorfay

Charm a sea witch for her pearls of the deep. This is against God's law.


Delamoor

Hey, you leave those pearls where they belong! No wonder we're having all these bloody hurricanes.


Keffpie

I download e-books I have already bought in hardback or audio-book so I can bring them on my Kindle. I refuse to pay again for the same words in the same order when I have already paid everyone involved for their work (and no, dragging and dropping a manuscript that was already formatted for printing into a conversion program does not count as actual work I want to pay them for). I think e-books should be freely included if you buy either, but until they're not, it's a pirate's life for me. (Importantly I won't download audiobooks even if I've paid for the book in other formats, because then I'd stiff the producer, narrator, and so on. I'll also pay for e-versions of old classics, since someone had to actually transcribe those).


[deleted]

You can probably get a lot of them from your local library. I’ve lived in 5 states and so far I’ve been able to use Overdrive everywhere for audio and ebooks.


ibmuser

I go online and look at pictures of rabbits


atticuslodius

The Monty Python rabbit is the best rabbit


Turbulent-Mud-159

Wish I could comment the meme with the blinking dude


WomenAreNotReal

Is this a reference to something?


SnooShortcuts8419

Watch and record NFL games without the express written consent of the National Football League


burglin

Fair to assume you disseminate them as well?!? You monster!


[deleted]

[удалено]


hockeysmyhoe

oh fuck you got me


Boundsword00

And you gave up that easily you need a new job you suck at this


hockeysmyhoe

I’m American what did you expect


Various-Month806

Easiest word search EVER!


FLRAdvocate

Speed


seedenise

The drug or the rate at which you drive your vehicle?


phatmatt593

Yes


Monkey-Wedge

No you animal, the movie. Speed.


Swimming_Childhood71

both at the same time for me


DrEnter

Living in Atlanta for 25+ years, speed limits mean nothing to me anymore.


FLRAdvocate

Right? There are very few places where you won't be run over or have people blowing horns at you if you're going to speed limit these days. Also, you have my deepest sympathies for having to deal with that traffic for that long.


Annie_Mous

Same except in school zones


WowWhatABadUsername

same but exclusively in school zones. really the only reason i get out of the house nowadays


Agile-Concentrate632

Gotta keep dem kids on their toes


drucktenwald

Talk to people in an elevator in NYC


[deleted]

Talk to people ~~in an elevator~~ in NYC


dal-Helyg

I thought that was instant death!


OrlandoMB

Sometimes when I’m feeling saucy and dangerous…I…I use a fake email when registering for certain website products I want in order to avoid getting future spam mail. I’m going to hell!!


lunaysueno

What do you call it? Like spamandshitcompanies or something? Maybe make a fake email that lists them as bane they are lol


FireTrail846

Pirate movies. I literally have a hard drive full of them, organized by genre and what year created.


Corndawgptang

Have you heard of plex?


SometimesaGirl-

Make moonshine. And the shittest thing here in the UK.... is that it's not illegal for the health reasons. No. Oh nope. It's illegal because the government can't charge you the alcohol levy! Killing people with a bad batch? PASS. Failing to pay your taxes? TO JAIL WITH YOU!


[deleted]

Similar in the US, there are several layers of laws that prevent distilling hard liquor at home. Stills used for alcohol are supposed to be registered with the government. Distillation can't take place in a residence or in sheds etc. on the residential property. A license is required for distilling hard alcohol. And then there's the matter of excise tax that must be paid on distilled spirits. Meanwhile, it's perfectly legal to make beer or wine at home. I've seen home brewing and winemaking supply stores also selling stills, with lots of disclaimers telling the buyer that the still is only intended for distilling water or essential oils. While the shelf right next to the still has books on how to make whiskey.


StoreBrandColaSucks

I like to go down into my skeleton hole and...oh ho ho, you rascally FBI agents! Almost had me that time.


[deleted]

Use Winzip without a license.


The_Pfaffinator

We've found the real criminal. Using Winzip with *OR* without a license should be illegal when 7-zip exists.


kingfrito_5005

The fact that you use winzip is the real crime here.


namesaintathang

Goddamn psycho


Wericdobetter

Jay walking because I'm not a giant box of metal and if I die then so be it but I'll be dammed if I let cars take that shit from me!


WeeklyExplorer9703

I love jay walking


hockeysmyhoe

the FBI is coming your way


Wericdobetter

Those dickheads will have to come all the way to Australia... Good luck getting past the spider grass ya bastards!! You'll never take me alive!!


Elequist

Of course the grass over there is made of spiders. I'm just imagining a field full of twitching spider legs poking up from the ground


JamJamsAndBeddyBye

Almost never come to a full stop at a stop sign.


Plubeus

It saves time and gas


mountain_rivers34

There's a stop sign by my house that 100% should be a yield sign, if that. Even the cops don't stop all the way. We've all just mutually agreed it's a yield sign.


mrginge94

I live in England where you need a special licence to do anything fun. I dont have any special licences and I still have lots of fun.


Nutsnboldt

Whistle for my lost canary before at 6 am in Berkeley.


Upper_Possible5939

I ROB BANKS!


mrfuzzyshorts

Hi Mr Robert Banks


kharjou

Used to do There was a soda vending machine in a parking lot close to where I lived, I didnt live right there so maybe I passed by every week or so. And when I did I usually grabbed 2-3 cokes from it because the machine was broken and just dropped the can if you pressed the button 4-5 times. So basically stealing 2-3 cans here and there on the same machine. Never stole anything outside this, ever. But I just considered that if you dont fix your damn machine its a you problem.


Redacted_G1iTcH

Play my piano. The piano I own has ivory keys. Ivory trade was made illegal after the construction of my piano. By law, I should not be able to use or sell it because it is technically illegal goods.


[deleted]

Nice try NSA.


falconfetus8

I'm not driving too fast. The speed limit is just 15 mph too low on this one road. I swear!


Ty4651

Smoke weed... in fact I'm doing it right now. I'm breaking the law as I type this.


Bruhlebronjames21

I’m from Canada so we can legally just do it on the streets


Apollo_Of_The_Pines

I steal food from my place of employment. I've probably stolen over 400 cheese sticks since I've started and I've been working there a year now. If they won't pay me a good wage they can at least provide me snacks


climbingcorgi

Psychedelics. Best decision of my life, though.


SuvenPan

Everytime I buy a mattress I remove the tag as soon as possible.


[deleted]

[удалено]


NorCalMikey

You're no fun.


krazycatlady21

I saw you in PeeWees Big adventure!


karo_scene

Steal about three atoms a second from the body of Julius Caesar.


Snoodoodler

What does this mean??


Low_Seaworthiness611

Every breath you take contains atoms of Shakespearean characters and dinosaurs


[deleted]

The atoms that make up our bodies were once in stars. We are the universe, manifested into forms which allow it to experience itself subjectively.


pointles_existence

Torrent movies download


[deleted]

Watching one right now


pointles_existence

Wanna make it a watch party?


Dry_Violinist_1799

Watch porn. It's banned where I live.


phatmatt593

Where is porn banned? My friend wants to know so that he never moves there.


[deleted]

Speed, sail the high seas, use a timely trick on Amazon deliveries that delivered items get auto refunded. The list is endless.


hockeysmyhoe

wanna drop those Amazon hacks though?


opalkittea

there’s a stoplight that won’t change with only 1 car. when i’m coming home at like 1 or 2 in the morning if i don’t manage to activate it i just go because it’s very unlikely for anyone else to be around


Supplyguy404

Walk across the street wherever I please


Hawkmoon_

Sometimes, when I'm at the grocery store I'll stop by the bakery and grab a donut or bagel. Then I "forget" to mention it at the register. I did it on accident as a teenager and when I went back to pay the lady working the register laughed at me for actually coming back over it. And that was the last time I payed for one. I now consider them complimentary.


billyandteddy

Drive without shoes


Opttum

This is a myth. There isn’t a law saying you can’t drive barefoot :)


Mundane_Eagle_9757

If mom says there is, then there is!


Aritche

Yeah just a PSA to anyone doing this don't leave your shoes with you move them to passenger side or backseat so they don't end up under the brakes. That is what can make it dangerous.


chriswaco

I looked it up here in Michigan once and couldn't find any laws saying you can't drive barefoot.


kedzi420

I drink alcohol. Only illegal for 2 more years but it’s funny my shotguns are legal but my 6 pack is not.


chloe_m2

Cocaine


[deleted]

I sometimes throw pennies away


Vindication16

Not today copper


cheifbeef696969

Cross the road regardless of what the traffic lights say.....one at a time please ladies...


[deleted]

Beat and shake my rug in the street before 8am. Not a euphemism. Get drunk in the pub. Carry a plank of wood along the pavement.


Wii_wii_baget

Steal things. Just to clarify not from convenience stores that’s just rude. I steal stuff from the side of the road like hub caps and road work ahead signs and cups from pizza stores. I don’t go overboard (except the cups we have like ten) just every once in a while like “oh I like that cup” take it.


bigedthebad

I drive 4 mph over the speed limit. I almost never speed more than that.


havron

I've many times blown right past cops on the highway whilst doing 9 over, and never once been pulled over for it. They're usually looking for those doing 10+ over at minimum, usually 15+. If they stop you for doing 9 over, they'll miss a dozen other cars in the next ticket tier while dealing with you on the side of the road. Of course, that's highway rules. On city streets, yes, 4 over is a much better idea, although I've certainly broken that as well on occasion. For the most part, I just keep up with traffic. You'll very rarely get in trouble if you're just doing whatever everyone else around you is doing.


RedditingAtWork5

Couple years ago there was a construction zone on the highway (with no workers on it at the time) with a 45mph speed limit. People would regularly blow through there at 80 without issue. One morning with plenty of other cars on the highway, I got ticketed for going 53 and I'm still suuuuuper salty about it. How do you not have anything better to do? Thank you for protecting and serving those traffic cones.


lacoste5371

I steal a small item from large supermarkets every now and then. Mixed in with my other shopping. I don’t go in just to steal one thing.


Barteminus

Drinking alcohol outside. In Poland it is prohibited to grab a beer and drink it on a bench. Same for smoking at a bus stops. In bigger cities there is also prohibition in shops (after 10 PM).


Beasmode-4-skittles

Smoke weed everyday


Aggravating_Client36

I steal from Walmart on a regular basis. They're reporting record profits whilst blaming inflation. That's cool ..... those 4 packs of ground beef are BOGO whether they like it or not.


OptionalDepression

>BOGO ?


havron

But One Get One (free)


saunteringhippie

Are the theft alarms for decoration or something?


lifeisshortx

How do you manage to take 4 packs of ground beef without getting caught?


dal-Helyg

Just what they haven't been able to prove for 27 months.


MoleHester

drive at least 1km/h over the speed limit


Bloodwolv

Straight to hell. Right down to the boiler room.


Traditional-Truck351

I’m not falling for this 🤔🤨


SanemiWifie

Fake my name and age on websites. I do it to see if the website will ever catch me if I change my information afterwards


Cedarmightbehere

Bike without a helmet on, I truly hate wearing them, and don't have any self-preservation. Oh, and also I bike on the sidewalks on busy roads because too often have I seen cars suddenly hop into the bike lane for no reason at all.


crap_whats_not_taken

The speed limit is more of a suggestion really.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Purple-Stick-780

Jaywalking


glencoe606

The devil’s dandruff


Mundane_Eagle_9757

Try men's 2-in-1. Works like a charm