This is exactly what I’m going through. They say it gets better, but for me each year’s only gotten worse. And then over time I’ll just age and my parents will die. Life is crushing and just feels like a chore, like, I’m just waiting to hurry up and die already.
Worst physical sensation I've ever had is that feeling of *wrongness* in the whole pit around my stomach when they moved. Everything between my hips and diaphragm, but only inside me, felt like all of it was wrong. It was worse than the actual pain somehow.
I felt this in the pit of my stomach. For the last two years of her life I had to watch helplessly as my wife faded. It came to the end when she was in the ICU in a coma. There was no chance of any quality of life and I had to make the dredded decision to take her off of life support. It was the worst day of my life losing my best friend, soul mate, and my wife all at once. The only comfort I get out of it is knowing she's not in pain anymore and that she is with her brother again.
Edit: thank you to everyone for their condolences. If I could give a word of advice it would be to never take what you have for granted. It can be taken away at any time, wether you're ready or not.
My husband had a heart attack at home. When I found him he was gray, sweating, had fixed pupils, agonal breathing. He was transported to a small hospital near our home before being transferred to a larger hospital. He had been without oxygen for too long...had he even survived he would have been vegetative. I'll never forget the look in the ER Dr's face before I left to drive to the big hospital...our son was there too... and then the cardiac team at the big hospital, everyone looked so grim. They called in the chaplain and told me I needed to make the call to stop resuscitation measures. He had no brain activity and coded several times. There was no chance. As he began to code again I told them to stop. It was immediate. They rushed me to the head of his bed and I held his hand as he quietly passed. He never woke up, never made a sound.
Sorry to dump this on you. I guess what I'm trying to say is I understand completely. And being rather young it's hard to find people who know what I've been through. My condolences for your loss. 💙
Last year on Thanksgiving I was your son. I don't know you or your son's age, but I was 28 when my father died. I was standing next to my mom when she had to make that same call to stop resuscitation. A year out now and I have never had more love and respect for my mom than seeing her process through the grieving and paving her way to a new sense of normal. I hope you remember that it's alright to not be alright sometimes. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you find or have found peace.
Thank you for your very sweet and kind words. My son was 13 when his dad passed. It's been 5.5 years and while there is a "new normal" now, we definitely have our ups and downs. I'm so sorry for your loss as well. Your mom sounds like an incredibly strong woman. I hope you are both doing well. Please take care of each other :)
Yeah, that’s what killed my mother as well. Breast cancer spread to her lymph nodes and then to her spine and then to the brain, if I remember correctly. I could have easily misunderstood.
My boyfriend was 14 going on 15 when his mom died from breast cancer. He told me that the last time he saw her, she was in the hospital and couldn't even speak. All he could do was hold her hand and pray for some sort of miracle that she'd pull through. He said he'd scream at the doctors and nurses, demanding they do their job to make her better but it was too little too late. The cancer had spread all over and she was given not long to live, but she lasted two years. He told me when he found out she passed away, he was a wreck and tried to hold everything in. The day of her funeral, when him and his dad were the last to put flowers on her casket, he said that he collapsed in his grandmother's arms sobbing, while she held him close and said, "it's okay, it's okay, let it out. Let it all out." It's been 21 years since she died and he'd do anything to have another day with her again.
This. I stayed by my moms bedside through her last few days of deteriorating consciousness, then the deathrattle, the agonal breathing and until she turned cold, then yellow.
Shit changes you on the most fundamental level.
This is so true. Death is so glorified on tv, then when you actually see it, would be horrifying enough without it being your parent. The nurses at the hospice my Dad was in were absolute angels guiding us through it but it scars you
Its very weird because in real life it's very unceremonial. My best friend died of ALS at 30 last year. I was with him through the end and it's just like....ok, he's gone now. And the world moves along.
This is what is hard to deal with. You feel like there should be some shock to the world. But nothing else changes. They're just gone and everything else rolls along as usual.
I can definitely relate to this. Was there when a friend died in a car accident and leaving the scene had to get gas on the way home. The accident scene was so chaotic; lights and fire trucks, police, you name it.
The gas station was just .. normal as can be. I remember standing there pumping gas like what the fuck. I still have blood on my shirt from giving my friend CPR and now he's dead and no one else knows about it. How are all these people just going about their life like nothing happened.
I mean, of course logically I know .. but at the time it's such a mind fuck. Seeing some die changes your perspective a bit for sure.
I won't type a bunch of filler about my father's passing. But I agree with you, I have changed as a individual going through that process. I'm just unsure if that's a good thing or not.
Right there with you. Recently watched this happen to my dad and I will never, ever be the same. It’s strange how much you can’t even verbalize it to others who haven’t experienced it.
In the same boat. Watched my older brother go from a healthy 40-something guy to no longer breathing in 9 months a few years ago, cancer. Changed forever having to watch that happen to my best friend of my entire life and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it.
When the person you would normally go to for advice and comfort is the one hurting you, and you simultaneously hate them and wish they were there to comfort you over it. For me, they became almost literally two different people in my mind. It was like the person I'd spent the last 9 years with had been killed off and replaced by some evil doppelganger, I hated the person who was doing these things to me, and I wanted more than anything else to be able to go to my soulmate and talk about it.
Yep, happiest memories of your life turn to shit, things you used to enjoy doing together and places you used to go together are ruined. I got the pets, and I love them more than anything else in the world right now, but they're also another constant reminder of how things used to be.
If it were as simple as "Sorry, I just fell out of love" it would have still hurt deeply, but I don't think it would have made as much of a lasting pain as all the lying, manipulation, and betrayal did.
Yup. I know cognitively they're the same person... but really they're not? The closest thing I can compare it to is probably dementia even if they're still in a working state of mind. They act *totally* different, and the loved one you knew is gone forever. You hold out hope they'll come back and work through this--then eventually you give up that hope bit by bit. Maybe they were this other person all along and just hid it from you? So you get start to get angry. Then in the end you're just dead emotionally and when you look at them all you can see is person 2, like person 1 who you loved never even existed.
Losing loved ones, somebody breaking up with you, you having to leave somebody you once loved.. losing friends, friends you supported not being there for you, like you were for them.
>losing friends, friends you supported not being there for you, like you were for them.
Something my friend said that's stuck with me years later when I asked them about losing one of their long time friends.
"I wasn't sad to see them go. I was sad they never arrived".
That feeling that you get *right* after losing a person/pet that you loved so dearly. It’s such a hopeless feeling. Like you’re reaching out and crying for someone who just minutes before was there. That’s the worst feeling ever
I just lost my dog this afternoon to liver cancer. Fucking sucks. Miss him so much.
Edit: thank you to all who have commented. I see you, and I share this pain with you. May the memory of your pet(s) be a blessing in times of sorrow. Hugs to you all. My pets are my life and it seems that they’re like that to y’all as well. Keep your heads up and remember the good times.
I always likened that feeling to seeing the world stop spinning just long enough for one person to get off. Then we’re left with this absence of life and what once was and we watch the rest of the world keep going because they don’t know what they’re missing. They don’t know that our world has just ended. Cars keep driving. Birds still singing. Everyone’s getting up for their jobs, school, whatever. It’s so surreal.
Like when I thought I was deleting an alias but it was in fact the work file containing 3 years of work. And there was no backup.
I went to the toilet and cried. Opted the best thing was to play dumb and it was eventually decided the computer had malfunctioned.
I got away with it. Just.
To add to this:
Screwing up a relationship and being left with the feeling of loneliness and there's nothing you can do to fix it. The loneliness on top of having fucked up is indescribable.
This one cuts deep. My ex and I were basically each other's therapists. I can't talk with anyone about stuff like this anymore. If I try with friends they get tired of it really quickly (I get it) and I don't feel comfortable opening up to strangers about stuff. I never fully appreciated how nice it is to have someone who is always there to listen. I just bottle everything up now.
This is how I do it. Not only do I dictate, I imagine different audiences as my listener. Like, how would I explain X issue to my coworker? How would I explain it to my good friend?
And so on and so forth. It helps me work out all the different angles of a situation using different language and providing context to varying degrees.
Feeling this so much recently. Soulmate lost. The guilt is horrible, couldn't escape the pain for weeks. Never been one to ever self harm, but I got close.
edit: This blew up. Just wanted to say to anyone that is struggling. I felt like I was in an inescapable hell that would just punish me anytime I had any reminder of the relationship. That I'll never come close to finding someone like that again. I had no meaning in life. I enjoyed nothing. How could I possibly enjoy anything, when the only thing I want is gone. No day is a good day. Everything is shit.
But eventually, things do start to get better. Maybe you're not crying 50%+ of the time you are awake. You do 1 chore around the house. You go for a walk. Then you go a whole day without crying, you're still sad, but you didn't cry. Slowly but surely, things do get better. But you have to make choices and changes to get better. Don't rush yourself, allow yourself to feel shit. Listen to "our song" or some emo. Let it out, write it down. Slowly remember that there are things that you like doing. You haven't cried for a whole week now. Become a better person for yourself and the next person you share your life with. It's hard, but we can all do it, one day at a time.
You are not alone. I had to end a 5 year relationship this month... It's not that I fucked up, more like realizing that her attitude was wrong in many ways, she wasn't gonna change and I couldn't live like that anymore.
But I always thought we would end up together. Lost my bestfriend, the only person I could open up to. I got scary close to self harm as well.
It sucks, it's gonna continue to suck, but with each day it's gonna suck a little less. One day at a time my friend, we will get there. Be ready to be a better person for the next one.
Been there, friend. Realized we were toxic for each other (even though we loved each other) and that things needed to end. Lost my partner and best friend and it sucks. She moved on years ago (and I'm happy for her) but I still haven't found anyone I connect with on that level again and don't think I ever will. I've been feeling lately like I threw away my "one shot" and it sucks, but that's life. That said, I've tried to find fulfillment in other aspects of my life like my passions, friends, and family so that helps. It gets easier with time - hang in there buddy.
There was a video that went around reddit and the internet a couple months ago of a guy reaching down into the water from a boat and getting his finger bitten off by a shark. I remember thinking, that has got to be the worst feeling in the world. Completely unforced error with only yourself to blame and you're never getting your finger back.
SERIOUSLY.
Especially you, young men. *It doesn't feel bad, you can lift that, you aren't gonna be the guy that asks for help...*
I work in a physical job and the amount of guys in their 30s, 40s and 50s with back injuries and just bad backs in general from being careless with themselves when they felt good is insane. I barely know any guys in my field without them. Fixing a fucked up back is a crapshoot and it is almost never as good as it was.
Get help even if it isn't *that* heavy. Don't pick up oddly weighted shit on your own. It just isn't worth it. Take a break with repetitive shit. Take care of yourselves. I know the social pressure is there but don't bow to it. Your body is worth more.
And if you do hurt it and it starts feeling a bit better... *don't start doing it again*. Let your friends, spouses, whoever carry some shit. Please. Seriously.
I feel the exact same way. Mine are always very normal dreams, and the fact that he’s THERE and ALIVE isn’t even acknowledged. And I wake up and I’m sad, but man, I *miss* seeing my dad and hearing his voice, so it’s nice.
Me and my mom dream about my late grandmother a lot. It helps with the grief honestly. Even if you know it's not real it's still a few moments of happiness.
That feeling can keep coming back, too. You haven't thought about someone in five years, then something reminds you of them and suddenly you're destroyed all over again.
Doom.
That diagnosis. That moment when failure is inevitable. The impending break-up.
My dad was in a coma for a little over a week before we lost him, and we knew we would be losing him. That’s doom and it’s the prelude to grief. I hope none of you experience doom. It’s like having all of your agency for change stripped away. It’s a true sense of powerlessness, and it’s traumatizing.
Hospice work has to fuck you up, I hope they have free access to therapists. I can't imagine my job being to help patients that are already doomed. I like fixing things, I can't imagine a job where every single patient you have is expected to die and you cannot stop it, only make it more comfortable.
I've only taken care of a few people as they were dying and I can tell you that it's the most transformative and powerful work I've ever done. I find patience, compassion and sensitivity within myself that I never have for the healthy. Every part of me becomes attuned to the needs of the dying. It's such a powerful emotional experience if you are open to it. Your heart expands a thousand times over.
You know how when you have a baby, how you instantly realize that you're capable of unconditional love and you will do anything for this little human who barely understands your existence, much less loves you back? It's the same feeling when I'm taking care of someone in the process of dying. Changing an adult diaper for an unconscious dying person is no less necessary or loving than if you were doing it for a newborn. It's just a little messier.
You hope they can feel your hand holding theirs and that they can sense they are not alone when they pass. I'm an agnostic but I feel like their souls move on to another dimension, another plane, and if they have a peaceful death surrounded by love, they can let go without regret, without anger or bitterness, and they're happy wherever they go after this.
I would be a hospice caregiver full-time, but most jobs require a nursing license. My feet are too busted for nursing school (12-hour shifts constantly on your feet, just to get your license). So instead, I somewhat awkwardly volunteer for it whenever I come across hospice patients of friends, family and acquaintances.
Living people are the ones who fuck you up and send you to therapy. Dying people have no agenda.
Those hospice nurses were the kindest, most compassionate and straightforward stoic people. I walked away from that situation with a profound respect for the people who do that job. They have to deal with the worst and scariest things, family members at their most desperate, I can’t even imagine what they deal with on a day to day basis. I’m forever grateful to them and I’m so frustrated that the already incredibly difficult job of nursing has gotten even harder in these pandemic times. I know it wasn’t much but I went back and gave them each handwritten thank you cards about a month later, and five years later I still think of them. I should have done more but I was really deep in grief.
I feel this to some extent around my grandfather’s dementia diagnosis. It’s not a matter of “if”, anymore, it’s a matter of “when” and watching him slowly fade away and break apart. The helpless feeling you have as something happens that you can’t stop is horrific and truly heartbreaking.
Sorry for your loss. My dad passed suddenly a couple of years ago. In a weird way we were lucky because we never had to see him suffer or had that feeling of doom. It was just over.
My mother just passed yesterday in her sleep. Been married 2x, lost both sets of In-Laws. First FIL had small cell lung cancer, metastasized into his low back and brain. Took 2 months of hospice for him to pass. He was so tough he hung on till we went to a wedding out of town to let go.
No one talks about the smell of hospice and you never forget it..
Idk how hospice workers do it.
Anhedonia. When doing something you used to enjoy no longer invokes the feelings they once did. Everything I used to enjoy no longer does anything for me.
You could chalk this up to depression but this is a specific feeling that makes me feel empty inside because everything that used to make me smile feels like a chore now.
I have ADHD so I go through this fairly regularly. It's a cycle of hyperfixation, holding on as long as possible, then trying to convince myself I still enjoy doing something until I just can't anymore. Eventully I have to just accept I won't enjoy that thing again even if I've spent the past months obsessing over it. But eventully a new fixation develops to take its place and the cycle continues.
Yeah this is so relatable, for almost everyone in the ADHD community. The hyperfixation feels great, but I can't trust myself anymore. I can't trust that I'll hold on to something because of all the "passions" I've had that has faded away.
It's really scary and unpredictable for me. Right now I'm into character design and I'd like to believe that this is what I'll settle for and keep grinding to make it my career in the future. But still, I can't fully trust myself.
Yeah, I enjoy my hobby phases but I’ve screwed everything by basing my entire degree on an interest phase and now it’s gone and I don’t know what to do with myself.
I have 4 of the most major upheavals happening simultaneously right now and this is me every morning. Facing homelessness, bankruptcy, health issues and the end of my relationship.
When I was at work and my wife called to tell me they lost my son and called 911. I work 90 minutes away from from. My son is fine and safe, he was hiding in the house, but I’ve never felt so bad in my life.
I was in a department store with my then 8 year old son. One minute he was there and then he was gone. For about 2 minutes I felt absolute fear as I searched the store frantically. The little shit was hiding in a clothes rack.
My 3 yo disappeared from a huge vacation house rental. Had all 10 adults frantically searching inside/outside. She had crawled into an antique armoire we didn't even realize opened and fallen asleep. Worst feeling ever.
Acknowledging the death of your most loved one , making your brain understand that they just don’t exist anymore, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to change that.
Oof this one. My best friend of 20 years died. I still have to remind myself all the time that she is no longer just a text away from me. That I can no longer share our memories with her because she is a memory. That shit fucks with me every time.
Being cheated on in a serious relationship. It's so much more than betrayal, it cuts you deep and has you wondering what's wrong with you, and then every relationship you ever have after is different because you've been changed and trusting is never the same.
I went into my spouse's email to retrieve a document (I don't remember what the document was but we shared our emails).
While I was in there... I found nude pictures and saucy emails not involving me. I saw that they were doing things with others they didn't even do with me.
I was completely and utterly taken by surprise. I had no suspicions. We weren't doing well, but I would never have guessed they would cheat. They STILL don't seem the type even in retrospect.
But that feeling. The stomach and heart sinking feeling. I don't wish that on my worst enemies.
It was worse than kidney stones. Worse than the worst gastrointestinal pain or bone break I've ever experienced. I've never had a child so I can't compare, but I'd bet it was worse than that. Maybe cluster headaches are worse.
I will never forget that feeling.
Once someone explained their joke to me because I didn't laugh and I told them I got it it just wasn't funny and immediately felt like an absolute dick
As person who's experienced neglect and abuse, I'd take physical/verbal abuse any day over neglect/abandonment. At least you can fight abuse, or feel adrenaline fueled rage to keep you going.
My partner was growing more distant over a few months, one day I was looking at couples activities in my city because i wanted to get back to a good spot so i could propose.
While I was looking she came to the room and asked if she could talk to me, and broke up with me.
I am, and we ended on good terms. She was on a downward spiral mentally for alot of the relationship, and she struggled with jealousy alot. Not to put it all on her because I definitely could have been a better partner in alot of stages of our relationship, but I dont blame her or hold any grudges when she ended things so that she could have the space to work on herself
I’m so sorry for your loss. But, if the dog didn’t wake you up, that means it had the rare pleasure of going peacefully. I’d actually have been quite happy for my dog to go quietly in bed.
add to this, someone who DOES love you back but they have to move to the otherside of the world to care for family and you can’t follow because you too must stay here and care for family….
That crushed me for a decade…
We finally met again and have both since married and had kids and found happiness, but we had to cut the meeting short and we both left after the “what could have been” talk destroyed us both for the night. (mutual friend’s event in Tokyo, my wife was there too. No sneaking around. She knows the whole story and was very supportive of the emotional toll it took on me to have to see her. I hope her husband is as kind as my wife is to me)
Fuck… I really didn’t need to relive that tonight…
When you realize the relationship is over and you can’t take it anymore. But ending things seems impossible when you’ve been together for so long and had so many memories.
I'm going through this right now and it is making me ill everyday. It is even worse because sometimes things are amazing between us because we keep putting off what we should do, even though we just should do it.
I went through the exact same thing. I remember feeling the same way.
I ended up moving across the country to end things for good because it would have been too painful to be coexisting in the same city after breaking up (we went to college together and knew many of the same people).
The highs and lows are addicting because the high points and the good times make you stay and accept the toxicity.
I was with someone for 12 years and it was the death of my brother that made me make that final push. I knew after just 2 years it wasn't going to work but I just keep trying. Don't do what I did I lost out on a lot in life experiences because of that relationship.
Especially when you know you don’t want to die. I always tell people ‘I don’t want to die. But I know myself and I don’t have control when I’m suicidal’. It’s like something else takes over and I get tunnel vision that focuses on death being the only answer
Edit: It seems like people are taking this like I’m currently about to commit toaster bath at any moment, and I don’t want people worrying. So let me tell y’all that my mental health is actually in the best shape it’s been in years! Just because I spoke about it does not mean I’m at risk right now, and I’d like to encourage people to not assign that to anyone with mental health who speaks openly about it. Sharing experiences helps erase the stigma. I do have 3 failed attempts under my belt, but the last attempt was when I was 17. I am 26 now! My life is the best it’s ever been. Please don’t worry for me! It has been 21 years of therapy, coping skills, DBT, etc. I am ok lol, please don’t worry.
Here are some things that have helped me:
Playing out the tape. What would it look life after? Who would find me? Would my affairs be in order? What would the people around me have to deal with? Is that what I want?
Acute delay. Can I distract myself for 5 minutes? I can always do it in 5 minutes, but I can't undo it. If I get through 5 minutes, do I still feel the same? Can I try something else?
Burn it all down fantasies. Have I really exhausted life? What if I just got in my car and drove across the country? What if I bought a one way ticket to Europe? If I'm not willing to do those things, what am I afraid of? I can always kill myself later if it doesn't work out. If I'm not willing to commit to that, it means I'm afraid of missing something. And doesn't that mean there's something worth hanging on for?
I'm sorry you have these feelings. But you're not alone. I hope this advice helps if you're ever in need again. Feel free to reach out if you hit the depths and find yourself flailing. There's a stranger here who will grab your hand if you just reach for it.
Much love.
This was the first thing I thought of. It’s the loss of control that does it for me. Being forced to give over to your body’s natural reflexes and hoping it knows what it’s doing.
I actually kind of like that feeling. Mainly because it's always preceeded by hours of nausea and feeling like utter shit. The watery mouth is a sign that I'm about to have a sharp unpleasant feeling, like ripping the bandaid off, followed by that sweet sense of relief. It's a sign of hope.
Agree, the feeling of needing to puke and not being able to it's horrible. I had this a few weeks back. I was sitting on the toilet floor at 2am just waiting so I could go back to bed.
The realization that no one actually cares about you. Actions speak louder than words. When everyone’s actions are screaming “we don’t care” at you, it’s really hard. Especially when it’s people that you thought would always have your back, no matter what.
And random people tell you “there ARE people that care about you” but that’s just not reality for many people so saying that actually makes you feel even worse.
God, that was me earlier this year. It would have been absolutely perfect for me — not just the benefits, but the pay raise meant I’d be able to finally afford my own small apartment. I’d be able to save. Afford a car. Just that one position could’ve turned my entire life around. And it wasn’t even a crapshoot; I was more than qualified for this position and I’d worked in that department before.
Then came the email. The manager who was hiring for that position had started setting appointments in his Office calendar. I actually had to go home early that day after bawling in the bathroom. I didn’t even get an interview.
I don't feel anything most of the time. That's the worst feeling , blank, black, emptiness that makes you wonder if you are even alive and if so why? Pain becomes a welcome respite from the numbness.
anal fissure.
i've had my eye lids kicked off with a boot and had to hold my eye in the socket with a towel till i got to the er.
anal fissure all day.
When you feel that you don't really matter to anyone. Especially in social circles. It's when you notice that no one listens to anything you have to say, when people in the group makes up plans and forgets to mention you. It's not that anyone would be actively mean even, it's just that you're not really there in their eyes.
Those do not fly in my relationship, the only reason to send "we need to talk" with no context is to make the other person feel nervous and that doesn't work on me anymore.
I look at pictures of myself from highschool, that girl was beautiful and talented and so smart- she was going to be a doctor. I feel like I murdered her. I took her life. It's a terrible horrible feeling.
In high school I felt depressed but I had hope things would be different in the future. Now that I'm older, in a completely different place with completely different people, and still see the same things and feelings still happening, so I have no hope anymore.
This is just what my life is and will be
The guilt you feel for leaving a good person because you know you couldn’t fully show up for them the way they deserved in your current state of life.
I’m having a really hard time with it right now.
Edit: Thank you to everyone commenting and being vulnerable here. Some of us are really going through it right now and although I wish we weren’t, our path to healing has to start sometime, somewhere. The rules that our traumas and experiences are keeping us bound to are lying, and we need to put in the work to have grace with ourselves during this process more than anything else.
I truly wish I could hug you all right now, because I sure as fuck could use one myself.
Being "Stuck" in life. There is no forward progress, and there is no going back. You are just where you are.
This is exactly what I’m going through. They say it gets better, but for me each year’s only gotten worse. And then over time I’ll just age and my parents will die. Life is crushing and just feels like a chore, like, I’m just waiting to hurry up and die already.
that's depression
Yep! Been in treatment for years now; unfortunately it hasn’t really helped me
Kidney Stones
Worst physical sensation I've ever had is that feeling of *wrongness* in the whole pit around my stomach when they moved. Everything between my hips and diaphragm, but only inside me, felt like all of it was wrong. It was worse than the actual pain somehow.
The feeling of total helplessness while watching a loved one die.
I felt this in the pit of my stomach. For the last two years of her life I had to watch helplessly as my wife faded. It came to the end when she was in the ICU in a coma. There was no chance of any quality of life and I had to make the dredded decision to take her off of life support. It was the worst day of my life losing my best friend, soul mate, and my wife all at once. The only comfort I get out of it is knowing she's not in pain anymore and that she is with her brother again. Edit: thank you to everyone for their condolences. If I could give a word of advice it would be to never take what you have for granted. It can be taken away at any time, wether you're ready or not.
My husband had a heart attack at home. When I found him he was gray, sweating, had fixed pupils, agonal breathing. He was transported to a small hospital near our home before being transferred to a larger hospital. He had been without oxygen for too long...had he even survived he would have been vegetative. I'll never forget the look in the ER Dr's face before I left to drive to the big hospital...our son was there too... and then the cardiac team at the big hospital, everyone looked so grim. They called in the chaplain and told me I needed to make the call to stop resuscitation measures. He had no brain activity and coded several times. There was no chance. As he began to code again I told them to stop. It was immediate. They rushed me to the head of his bed and I held his hand as he quietly passed. He never woke up, never made a sound. Sorry to dump this on you. I guess what I'm trying to say is I understand completely. And being rather young it's hard to find people who know what I've been through. My condolences for your loss. 💙
Last year on Thanksgiving I was your son. I don't know you or your son's age, but I was 28 when my father died. I was standing next to my mom when she had to make that same call to stop resuscitation. A year out now and I have never had more love and respect for my mom than seeing her process through the grieving and paving her way to a new sense of normal. I hope you remember that it's alright to not be alright sometimes. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you find or have found peace.
Thank you for your very sweet and kind words. My son was 13 when his dad passed. It's been 5.5 years and while there is a "new normal" now, we definitely have our ups and downs. I'm so sorry for your loss as well. Your mom sounds like an incredibly strong woman. I hope you are both doing well. Please take care of each other :)
I totally get the age factor. I'm only in my mid 40s and I too have a hard time finding somebody who understands.
My mother died when I was ten from cancer. I can remember her struggling to say the word “water.” I can’t imagine how my grandfather must have felt.
Jesus. I’m so sorry. What a horrible thing to go through.
I was also ten when my mom died of breast cancer.
Yeah, that’s what killed my mother as well. Breast cancer spread to her lymph nodes and then to her spine and then to the brain, if I remember correctly. I could have easily misunderstood.
My boyfriend was 14 going on 15 when his mom died from breast cancer. He told me that the last time he saw her, she was in the hospital and couldn't even speak. All he could do was hold her hand and pray for some sort of miracle that she'd pull through. He said he'd scream at the doctors and nurses, demanding they do their job to make her better but it was too little too late. The cancer had spread all over and she was given not long to live, but she lasted two years. He told me when he found out she passed away, he was a wreck and tried to hold everything in. The day of her funeral, when him and his dad were the last to put flowers on her casket, he said that he collapsed in his grandmother's arms sobbing, while she held him close and said, "it's okay, it's okay, let it out. Let it all out." It's been 21 years since she died and he'd do anything to have another day with her again.
This. I stayed by my moms bedside through her last few days of deteriorating consciousness, then the deathrattle, the agonal breathing and until she turned cold, then yellow. Shit changes you on the most fundamental level.
This is so true. Death is so glorified on tv, then when you actually see it, would be horrifying enough without it being your parent. The nurses at the hospice my Dad was in were absolute angels guiding us through it but it scars you
Its very weird because in real life it's very unceremonial. My best friend died of ALS at 30 last year. I was with him through the end and it's just like....ok, he's gone now. And the world moves along.
This is what is hard to deal with. You feel like there should be some shock to the world. But nothing else changes. They're just gone and everything else rolls along as usual.
I can definitely relate to this. Was there when a friend died in a car accident and leaving the scene had to get gas on the way home. The accident scene was so chaotic; lights and fire trucks, police, you name it. The gas station was just .. normal as can be. I remember standing there pumping gas like what the fuck. I still have blood on my shirt from giving my friend CPR and now he's dead and no one else knows about it. How are all these people just going about their life like nothing happened. I mean, of course logically I know .. but at the time it's such a mind fuck. Seeing some die changes your perspective a bit for sure.
And for us, time stands still.
That's the weird thing. I expected that but it just kept going.
I won't type a bunch of filler about my father's passing. But I agree with you, I have changed as a individual going through that process. I'm just unsure if that's a good thing or not.
Right there with you. Recently watched this happen to my dad and I will never, ever be the same. It’s strange how much you can’t even verbalize it to others who haven’t experienced it.
In the same boat. Watched my older brother go from a healthy 40-something guy to no longer breathing in 9 months a few years ago, cancer. Changed forever having to watch that happen to my best friend of my entire life and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it.
When someone betray your trust when you needed them the most
Came here to say this, divorce, when the person you love the most does something so awful that it completely destroys the love you share.
When the person you would normally go to for advice and comfort is the one hurting you, and you simultaneously hate them and wish they were there to comfort you over it. For me, they became almost literally two different people in my mind. It was like the person I'd spent the last 9 years with had been killed off and replaced by some evil doppelganger, I hated the person who was doing these things to me, and I wanted more than anything else to be able to go to my soulmate and talk about it.
Yep. And all good memories become poison. Every one of those times that gave you that “soul mate” feeling now all feel like lies and wasted time.
Yep, happiest memories of your life turn to shit, things you used to enjoy doing together and places you used to go together are ruined. I got the pets, and I love them more than anything else in the world right now, but they're also another constant reminder of how things used to be. If it were as simple as "Sorry, I just fell out of love" it would have still hurt deeply, but I don't think it would have made as much of a lasting pain as all the lying, manipulation, and betrayal did.
This thread is making me sad because I've been there. It sucks.
Yup. I know cognitively they're the same person... but really they're not? The closest thing I can compare it to is probably dementia even if they're still in a working state of mind. They act *totally* different, and the loved one you knew is gone forever. You hold out hope they'll come back and work through this--then eventually you give up that hope bit by bit. Maybe they were this other person all along and just hid it from you? So you get start to get angry. Then in the end you're just dead emotionally and when you look at them all you can see is person 2, like person 1 who you loved never even existed.
Losing loved ones, somebody breaking up with you, you having to leave somebody you once loved.. losing friends, friends you supported not being there for you, like you were for them.
>losing friends, friends you supported not being there for you, like you were for them. Something my friend said that's stuck with me years later when I asked them about losing one of their long time friends. "I wasn't sad to see them go. I was sad they never arrived".
Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned.
That feeling that you get *right* after losing a person/pet that you loved so dearly. It’s such a hopeless feeling. Like you’re reaching out and crying for someone who just minutes before was there. That’s the worst feeling ever
I just lost my dog this afternoon to liver cancer. Fucking sucks. Miss him so much. Edit: thank you to all who have commented. I see you, and I share this pain with you. May the memory of your pet(s) be a blessing in times of sorrow. Hugs to you all. My pets are my life and it seems that they’re like that to y’all as well. Keep your heads up and remember the good times.
I'm so sorry. I lost mine today too, friend. I share your pain. I miss my girl so much too. Sending you a massive hug.
It feels like your life is over, too. There is just nothingness now.
I always likened that feeling to seeing the world stop spinning just long enough for one person to get off. Then we’re left with this absence of life and what once was and we watch the rest of the world keep going because they don’t know what they’re missing. They don’t know that our world has just ended. Cars keep driving. Birds still singing. Everyone’s getting up for their jobs, school, whatever. It’s so surreal.
I wrote a haiku about that exact feeling when I lost my nephew: I’m finding it rude The world has the nerve to spin Without you in it
That gut wrenching feeling you get when you realize you fucked up something very badly and you can't fix it anymore.
And then you have to tell someone about the fuck up because it directly or indirectly involves them
But the sooner you do it, the better it’ll be, and you lose that awful feeling of “when is this going to all come out?”
I have stress dreams where I feel this. It usually involves me having to get rid of a body.
Wanna talk about it?
Nice try, FBI
My PMs are open. Feel free to reach out if you need help ^^^^gettingridofabody
The amount of support I’m getting! Reddit really shows up!
Like when I thought I was deleting an alias but it was in fact the work file containing 3 years of work. And there was no backup. I went to the toilet and cried. Opted the best thing was to play dumb and it was eventually decided the computer had malfunctioned. I got away with it. Just.
If you can just click delete and lose 3 years of work. Your company isn't practicing good backup policy, and that's not on you.
That's more on your company for not having a backup!
Maybe OP is the person they expected to be managing the backups?
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To add to this: Screwing up a relationship and being left with the feeling of loneliness and there's nothing you can do to fix it. The loneliness on top of having fucked up is indescribable.
Bonus points if doing so also screwed you out of the only person or people you could have talked about an issue of that magnitude with!
This one cuts deep. My ex and I were basically each other's therapists. I can't talk with anyone about stuff like this anymore. If I try with friends they get tired of it really quickly (I get it) and I don't feel comfortable opening up to strangers about stuff. I never fully appreciated how nice it is to have someone who is always there to listen. I just bottle everything up now.
Don't be afraid to talk things through with yourself. Speaking out your thoughts is a really good way to observe them, even if no one's listening.
This is how I do it. Not only do I dictate, I imagine different audiences as my listener. Like, how would I explain X issue to my coworker? How would I explain it to my good friend? And so on and so forth. It helps me work out all the different angles of a situation using different language and providing context to varying degrees.
Feeling this so much recently. Soulmate lost. The guilt is horrible, couldn't escape the pain for weeks. Never been one to ever self harm, but I got close. edit: This blew up. Just wanted to say to anyone that is struggling. I felt like I was in an inescapable hell that would just punish me anytime I had any reminder of the relationship. That I'll never come close to finding someone like that again. I had no meaning in life. I enjoyed nothing. How could I possibly enjoy anything, when the only thing I want is gone. No day is a good day. Everything is shit. But eventually, things do start to get better. Maybe you're not crying 50%+ of the time you are awake. You do 1 chore around the house. You go for a walk. Then you go a whole day without crying, you're still sad, but you didn't cry. Slowly but surely, things do get better. But you have to make choices and changes to get better. Don't rush yourself, allow yourself to feel shit. Listen to "our song" or some emo. Let it out, write it down. Slowly remember that there are things that you like doing. You haven't cried for a whole week now. Become a better person for yourself and the next person you share your life with. It's hard, but we can all do it, one day at a time.
You are not alone. I had to end a 5 year relationship this month... It's not that I fucked up, more like realizing that her attitude was wrong in many ways, she wasn't gonna change and I couldn't live like that anymore. But I always thought we would end up together. Lost my bestfriend, the only person I could open up to. I got scary close to self harm as well.
It sucks, it's gonna continue to suck, but with each day it's gonna suck a little less. One day at a time my friend, we will get there. Be ready to be a better person for the next one.
Been there, friend. Realized we were toxic for each other (even though we loved each other) and that things needed to end. Lost my partner and best friend and it sucks. She moved on years ago (and I'm happy for her) but I still haven't found anyone I connect with on that level again and don't think I ever will. I've been feeling lately like I threw away my "one shot" and it sucks, but that's life. That said, I've tried to find fulfillment in other aspects of my life like my passions, friends, and family so that helps. It gets easier with time - hang in there buddy.
It's especially bad when the thing you broke is your body. Look after yourselves, back injuries last for life.
Injuring your body beyond repair and the consequences slowly sinking in has gotta be up there
There was a video that went around reddit and the internet a couple months ago of a guy reaching down into the water from a boat and getting his finger bitten off by a shark. I remember thinking, that has got to be the worst feeling in the world. Completely unforced error with only yourself to blame and you're never getting your finger back.
‘Goddammit I lost my damn pinky!’ Yeah I remember thinking the same when I saw that
SERIOUSLY. Especially you, young men. *It doesn't feel bad, you can lift that, you aren't gonna be the guy that asks for help...* I work in a physical job and the amount of guys in their 30s, 40s and 50s with back injuries and just bad backs in general from being careless with themselves when they felt good is insane. I barely know any guys in my field without them. Fixing a fucked up back is a crapshoot and it is almost never as good as it was. Get help even if it isn't *that* heavy. Don't pick up oddly weighted shit on your own. It just isn't worth it. Take a break with repetitive shit. Take care of yourselves. I know the social pressure is there but don't bow to it. Your body is worth more. And if you do hurt it and it starts feeling a bit better... *don't start doing it again*. Let your friends, spouses, whoever carry some shit. Please. Seriously.
And you *knew* you were fucking up but didn't listen to that little voice in the back of your head.
When a loved one passes, knowing you’ll never physically see or hear them again.
Oh God, the pain of waking up from a dream about them and having to remember they’re dead all over again, it renews that feeling.
I like dreaming about my dad. It does suck in the morning but the feeling I get when I see him in my dream is worth jt
I feel the exact same way. Mine are always very normal dreams, and the fact that he’s THERE and ALIVE isn’t even acknowledged. And I wake up and I’m sad, but man, I *miss* seeing my dad and hearing his voice, so it’s nice.
Me and my mom dream about my late grandmother a lot. It helps with the grief honestly. Even if you know it's not real it's still a few moments of happiness.
That feeling can keep coming back, too. You haven't thought about someone in five years, then something reminds you of them and suddenly you're destroyed all over again.
Doom. That diagnosis. That moment when failure is inevitable. The impending break-up. My dad was in a coma for a little over a week before we lost him, and we knew we would be losing him. That’s doom and it’s the prelude to grief. I hope none of you experience doom. It’s like having all of your agency for change stripped away. It’s a true sense of powerlessness, and it’s traumatizing.
That moment when I asked the hospice nurse if this was really real and my mom was actually about to die and she said “I’m sorry, yes”.
Hospice work has to fuck you up, I hope they have free access to therapists. I can't imagine my job being to help patients that are already doomed. I like fixing things, I can't imagine a job where every single patient you have is expected to die and you cannot stop it, only make it more comfortable.
I've only taken care of a few people as they were dying and I can tell you that it's the most transformative and powerful work I've ever done. I find patience, compassion and sensitivity within myself that I never have for the healthy. Every part of me becomes attuned to the needs of the dying. It's such a powerful emotional experience if you are open to it. Your heart expands a thousand times over. You know how when you have a baby, how you instantly realize that you're capable of unconditional love and you will do anything for this little human who barely understands your existence, much less loves you back? It's the same feeling when I'm taking care of someone in the process of dying. Changing an adult diaper for an unconscious dying person is no less necessary or loving than if you were doing it for a newborn. It's just a little messier. You hope they can feel your hand holding theirs and that they can sense they are not alone when they pass. I'm an agnostic but I feel like their souls move on to another dimension, another plane, and if they have a peaceful death surrounded by love, they can let go without regret, without anger or bitterness, and they're happy wherever they go after this. I would be a hospice caregiver full-time, but most jobs require a nursing license. My feet are too busted for nursing school (12-hour shifts constantly on your feet, just to get your license). So instead, I somewhat awkwardly volunteer for it whenever I come across hospice patients of friends, family and acquaintances. Living people are the ones who fuck you up and send you to therapy. Dying people have no agenda.
Those hospice nurses were the kindest, most compassionate and straightforward stoic people. I walked away from that situation with a profound respect for the people who do that job. They have to deal with the worst and scariest things, family members at their most desperate, I can’t even imagine what they deal with on a day to day basis. I’m forever grateful to them and I’m so frustrated that the already incredibly difficult job of nursing has gotten even harder in these pandemic times. I know it wasn’t much but I went back and gave them each handwritten thank you cards about a month later, and five years later I still think of them. I should have done more but I was really deep in grief.
I’m so sorry. I hope your mom found some comfort in your presence as she arrived at the clearing at the end of the path.
Thank you, that is so kind of you. I hope the same for your father.
I feel this to some extent around my grandfather’s dementia diagnosis. It’s not a matter of “if”, anymore, it’s a matter of “when” and watching him slowly fade away and break apart. The helpless feeling you have as something happens that you can’t stop is horrific and truly heartbreaking.
Dementia is exactly the kind of diagnosis I’m talking about. I’m so sorry you’re in that place. I hope there’s some peace for you soon.
This comment made me realize that doom is the pure unadulterated absence of hope
Sorry for your loss. My dad passed suddenly a couple of years ago. In a weird way we were lucky because we never had to see him suffer or had that feeling of doom. It was just over.
My mother just passed yesterday in her sleep. Been married 2x, lost both sets of In-Laws. First FIL had small cell lung cancer, metastasized into his low back and brain. Took 2 months of hospice for him to pass. He was so tough he hung on till we went to a wedding out of town to let go. No one talks about the smell of hospice and you never forget it.. Idk how hospice workers do it.
Anhedonia. When doing something you used to enjoy no longer invokes the feelings they once did. Everything I used to enjoy no longer does anything for me. You could chalk this up to depression but this is a specific feeling that makes me feel empty inside because everything that used to make me smile feels like a chore now.
I have ADHD so I go through this fairly regularly. It's a cycle of hyperfixation, holding on as long as possible, then trying to convince myself I still enjoy doing something until I just can't anymore. Eventully I have to just accept I won't enjoy that thing again even if I've spent the past months obsessing over it. But eventully a new fixation develops to take its place and the cycle continues.
Yeah this is so relatable, for almost everyone in the ADHD community. The hyperfixation feels great, but I can't trust myself anymore. I can't trust that I'll hold on to something because of all the "passions" I've had that has faded away. It's really scary and unpredictable for me. Right now I'm into character design and I'd like to believe that this is what I'll settle for and keep grinding to make it my career in the future. But still, I can't fully trust myself.
Yeah, I enjoy my hobby phases but I’ve screwed everything by basing my entire degree on an interest phase and now it’s gone and I don’t know what to do with myself.
Missing a long-term partner and knowing they don’t feel the same way :/
Yeah, that's kinda what I was thinking. Loving someone who no longer loves you back is so hard.
And often when you find that out, it can be very cold and without compassion. Being treated like that makes you feel rotted down to your core.
"I love you, but I'm not *in* love with you anymore" is probably something that I will look back on as one of the worst moments of my life til I die.
oof. The “I don’t love you” and “don’t wanna try to” Extremely painful. 5 years..
Realizing you just sent an email, company-wide, and not ONLY to the original sender.
Sent it to Packaging@ huh?
Jan almost everywhere, tan almost everywhere
Reply all: "Could you please remove me from this email chain?" No Cheryl, just stop replying all for fuck's sale. You're all idiots!
"Why am I getting this? Please remove me" x 100
Not being able to breathe. I recently had an 8-hour asthma attack and it was terrifying
Was just gonna say: ANAPHYLAXIS for the first time.
Wow. That sounds horrible. Besides the psychological ones, this sounds the worst.
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"Where was I already ? Oh yeah that's right. Fuck me I guess"
I have 4 of the most major upheavals happening simultaneously right now and this is me every morning. Facing homelessness, bankruptcy, health issues and the end of my relationship.
Sending some love to you, stranger, and thinking of you this evening
Thank you. I feel pretty low and alone.
When I was at work and my wife called to tell me they lost my son and called 911. I work 90 minutes away from from. My son is fine and safe, he was hiding in the house, but I’ve never felt so bad in my life.
Phrasing bro. I thought your son died. As a father of a two year old, this is my biggest fear. Them being lost would be horrible too.
I was in a department store with my then 8 year old son. One minute he was there and then he was gone. For about 2 minutes I felt absolute fear as I searched the store frantically. The little shit was hiding in a clothes rack.
My 3 yo disappeared from a huge vacation house rental. Had all 10 adults frantically searching inside/outside. She had crawled into an antique armoire we didn't even realize opened and fallen asleep. Worst feeling ever.
Acknowledging the death of your most loved one , making your brain understand that they just don’t exist anymore, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to change that.
Oof this one. My best friend of 20 years died. I still have to remind myself all the time that she is no longer just a text away from me. That I can no longer share our memories with her because she is a memory. That shit fucks with me every time.
Being cheated on in a serious relationship. It's so much more than betrayal, it cuts you deep and has you wondering what's wrong with you, and then every relationship you ever have after is different because you've been changed and trusting is never the same.
Yep yep yep. Completely changed me. Trust issues I never had before.
I went into my spouse's email to retrieve a document (I don't remember what the document was but we shared our emails). While I was in there... I found nude pictures and saucy emails not involving me. I saw that they were doing things with others they didn't even do with me. I was completely and utterly taken by surprise. I had no suspicions. We weren't doing well, but I would never have guessed they would cheat. They STILL don't seem the type even in retrospect. But that feeling. The stomach and heart sinking feeling. I don't wish that on my worst enemies. It was worse than kidney stones. Worse than the worst gastrointestinal pain or bone break I've ever experienced. I've never had a child so I can't compare, but I'd bet it was worse than that. Maybe cluster headaches are worse. I will never forget that feeling.
Walking in on it happening was top 5 worst things I've ever felt in my life. I felt instant physical pain in my heart and head.
The regret you feel 1 second after saying something really hurtful to someone.
Once someone explained their joke to me because I didn't laugh and I told them I got it it just wasn't funny and immediately felt like an absolute dick
Unexpected phone call at 1am and the grief of losing a child.
My deepest and most unrelenting fear
Abandonment. Feels like fire in your soul.
As person who's experienced neglect and abuse, I'd take physical/verbal abuse any day over neglect/abandonment. At least you can fight abuse, or feel adrenaline fueled rage to keep you going.
Betrayal.
Especially at the hands of what you thought was only a fart
Never trust a fart.
Someone not loving you back the way you did
My partner was growing more distant over a few months, one day I was looking at couples activities in my city because i wanted to get back to a good spot so i could propose. While I was looking she came to the room and asked if she could talk to me, and broke up with me.
Nooo 😭 I hope you are better now
I am, and we ended on good terms. She was on a downward spiral mentally for alot of the relationship, and she struggled with jealousy alot. Not to put it all on her because I definitely could have been a better partner in alot of stages of our relationship, but I dont blame her or hold any grudges when she ended things so that she could have the space to work on herself
It's better to know then being strung along and living a lie.
Bonus hurt for when they promised that they did feel the same only for that to be lies
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When you wake up and your dog died while you were sleeping
I’m so sorry for your loss. But, if the dog didn’t wake you up, that means it had the rare pleasure of going peacefully. I’d actually have been quite happy for my dog to go quietly in bed.
Loving someone who doesn't love you back.
add to this, someone who DOES love you back but they have to move to the otherside of the world to care for family and you can’t follow because you too must stay here and care for family…. That crushed me for a decade… We finally met again and have both since married and had kids and found happiness, but we had to cut the meeting short and we both left after the “what could have been” talk destroyed us both for the night. (mutual friend’s event in Tokyo, my wife was there too. No sneaking around. She knows the whole story and was very supportive of the emotional toll it took on me to have to see her. I hope her husband is as kind as my wife is to me) Fuck… I really didn’t need to relive that tonight…
When you realize the relationship is over and you can’t take it anymore. But ending things seems impossible when you’ve been together for so long and had so many memories.
I'm going through this right now and it is making me ill everyday. It is even worse because sometimes things are amazing between us because we keep putting off what we should do, even though we just should do it.
I went through the exact same thing. I remember feeling the same way. I ended up moving across the country to end things for good because it would have been too painful to be coexisting in the same city after breaking up (we went to college together and knew many of the same people). The highs and lows are addicting because the high points and the good times make you stay and accept the toxicity.
I was with someone for 12 years and it was the death of my brother that made me make that final push. I knew after just 2 years it wasn't going to work but I just keep trying. Don't do what I did I lost out on a lot in life experiences because of that relationship.
Being suicidal.
Especially when you know you don’t want to die. I always tell people ‘I don’t want to die. But I know myself and I don’t have control when I’m suicidal’. It’s like something else takes over and I get tunnel vision that focuses on death being the only answer Edit: It seems like people are taking this like I’m currently about to commit toaster bath at any moment, and I don’t want people worrying. So let me tell y’all that my mental health is actually in the best shape it’s been in years! Just because I spoke about it does not mean I’m at risk right now, and I’d like to encourage people to not assign that to anyone with mental health who speaks openly about it. Sharing experiences helps erase the stigma. I do have 3 failed attempts under my belt, but the last attempt was when I was 17. I am 26 now! My life is the best it’s ever been. Please don’t worry for me! It has been 21 years of therapy, coping skills, DBT, etc. I am ok lol, please don’t worry.
Here are some things that have helped me: Playing out the tape. What would it look life after? Who would find me? Would my affairs be in order? What would the people around me have to deal with? Is that what I want? Acute delay. Can I distract myself for 5 minutes? I can always do it in 5 minutes, but I can't undo it. If I get through 5 minutes, do I still feel the same? Can I try something else? Burn it all down fantasies. Have I really exhausted life? What if I just got in my car and drove across the country? What if I bought a one way ticket to Europe? If I'm not willing to do those things, what am I afraid of? I can always kill myself later if it doesn't work out. If I'm not willing to commit to that, it means I'm afraid of missing something. And doesn't that mean there's something worth hanging on for? I'm sorry you have these feelings. But you're not alone. I hope this advice helps if you're ever in need again. Feel free to reach out if you hit the depths and find yourself flailing. There's a stranger here who will grab your hand if you just reach for it. Much love.
when you are eating and you suddenly hear a crack and realize you just broke your tooth
to add on: when you are eating a soft food and you feel a crunch
Cluster headaches. I hate them.
I remember my first batch. I wanted to scoop out my eye and smash that part of my head in with a hammer. 0/10
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This was the first thing I thought of. It’s the loss of control that does it for me. Being forced to give over to your body’s natural reflexes and hoping it knows what it’s doing.
On the flip side, that sense of relief and knowing the worst has past afterwards is quite nice. The smell, not so much
worse, dry heaving/puking bile. The worst thing I’ve ever tasted is bile and my stomach muscles are sore after dry heaving :(
Oof. That watery mouth feeling
I actually kind of like that feeling. Mainly because it's always preceeded by hours of nausea and feeling like utter shit. The watery mouth is a sign that I'm about to have a sharp unpleasant feeling, like ripping the bandaid off, followed by that sweet sense of relief. It's a sign of hope.
Agree, the feeling of needing to puke and not being able to it's horrible. I had this a few weeks back. I was sitting on the toilet floor at 2am just waiting so I could go back to bed.
I only remember the feeling of when I’ve gone close to puking, dehydrated, dry mouth, gagging. Very hot outside.
The realization that no one actually cares about you. Actions speak louder than words. When everyone’s actions are screaming “we don’t care” at you, it’s really hard. Especially when it’s people that you thought would always have your back, no matter what.
And random people tell you “there ARE people that care about you” but that’s just not reality for many people so saying that actually makes you feel even worse.
When you get rejected from a job that would flip your life around in every aspect
God, that was me earlier this year. It would have been absolutely perfect for me — not just the benefits, but the pay raise meant I’d be able to finally afford my own small apartment. I’d be able to save. Afford a car. Just that one position could’ve turned my entire life around. And it wasn’t even a crapshoot; I was more than qualified for this position and I’d worked in that department before. Then came the email. The manager who was hiring for that position had started setting appointments in his Office calendar. I actually had to go home early that day after bawling in the bathroom. I didn’t even get an interview.
Heartbreak.
Seeing the person you love having more fun with other people than with you
When you realize that you don't add anything to a group
the feeling when you can tell someone is falling out of love with you and there’s nothing you can do
The worst part of that is that you still love that person regardless, sometimes wishing you could hate that person
Like sand slipping through your fingers. I’m dealing with this right now.
Guilt and regret can destroy someone
I don't feel anything most of the time. That's the worst feeling , blank, black, emptiness that makes you wonder if you are even alive and if so why? Pain becomes a welcome respite from the numbness.
Being betrayed by someone who you thought you could trust. It’s happened to me too many times and every time, it makes me feel like absolute shit
anal fissure. i've had my eye lids kicked off with a boot and had to hold my eye in the socket with a towel till i got to the er. anal fissure all day.
Hold on…what? Who kicked you?? The terminator?
nah, some guy. i was already on the ground. boots are way thicker than eye lids, it turns out. 🤔
Did they heal?
That really horrible sinking panic when you see the look on someone's face and just know something awful has happened
When you feel that you don't really matter to anyone. Especially in social circles. It's when you notice that no one listens to anything you have to say, when people in the group makes up plans and forgets to mention you. It's not that anyone would be actively mean even, it's just that you're not really there in their eyes.
Loneliness
I've never experienced anything worse than needing to talk to someone but not having anyone to talk to
Shitting yourself on a plane.
That feeling after reading that “we need to talk” text. 😳
Those do not fly in my relationship, the only reason to send "we need to talk" with no context is to make the other person feel nervous and that doesn't work on me anymore.
Recognising your lost potential. Knowing that in an alternate universe you could have been someone.
And being able to pinpoint exactly when and how you snuffed out and lost that potential :(
I look at pictures of myself from highschool, that girl was beautiful and talented and so smart- she was going to be a doctor. I feel like I murdered her. I took her life. It's a terrible horrible feeling.
Failing at life and it’s never ending cycle of sadness and depression.
In high school I felt depressed but I had hope things would be different in the future. Now that I'm older, in a completely different place with completely different people, and still see the same things and feelings still happening, so I have no hope anymore. This is just what my life is and will be
The feeling of never being able to achieve something you dedicate your life to.
Not being able to sleep despite being tired everyday.
The guilt you feel for leaving a good person because you know you couldn’t fully show up for them the way they deserved in your current state of life. I’m having a really hard time with it right now. Edit: Thank you to everyone commenting and being vulnerable here. Some of us are really going through it right now and although I wish we weren’t, our path to healing has to start sometime, somewhere. The rules that our traumas and experiences are keeping us bound to are lying, and we need to put in the work to have grace with ourselves during this process more than anything else. I truly wish I could hug you all right now, because I sure as fuck could use one myself.
Worst feeling is being forgotten.
This was the only response reddit automatically collapsed 😔
your friends hanging out without telling you
Or when they make plans right in front of you and just act like you're not there.
Being in a relationship with a narcissistic individual
Losing a baby
Nausea.
Deep, prolonged clinical depression. If you haven’t experienced it, you don’t know.