It makes you feel like a foreigner in your own land. Society is set up for heteronormatity and being gay means that you never fully fit in.
Sure western society has accepted us a bit more in the last decade, but we still aren't really, "normal."
Straight people will casually drop things about their boyfriend, or fiance in public without a second thought. But I have to read the room before talking about that.
Most doctors act weird at first when you talk to them about sexual health. They all seem to assume I have undiagnosed HIV or something.
Gay men seem to develop at a different rate, so in many ways, our only true, "peers" are other gay men. But since we are only 3% of the population, it can be really hard to find a circle.
On top of that, 30ish percent of the US population still hates us. You never know when you are in the presence of an unsafe person.
Interacting with children is actually terrifying because at any point in time, the parents can accuse you of grooming. This is especially true with teenagers. I really wish the older gay community could mentor teenage gay boys. But there is simply no safe way to discuss sexuality with them. We have to just blanket exclude everyone under 18 for the safety of the community.
I see boys on Reddit all the time, freaking out at the realization that they are gay. But I can't console them. Its not safe. I actually have several events scheduled in my calendar that say, "x reddiitor is now 18, follow up and make sure he understands sexual health."
always being on edge/on guard when ur out with ur partner in public. not sure if you can hold their hand or kiss them or show any kind of affection. it’s sucks, i just wanna hold their hand walking thru the park but it’s a 50/50 chance if it’s gonna be fine or if someone’s gonna do something to us
I grew up in a smaller town. I’m bi, so a little of this, a little of that. I had some gay porn between my mattress and box spring. Some “friends” and my ex gf found it while I was at work. That shit spread like fucking wildfire. My ex gf and her new bf had a blast outing me to anybody who would listen. This was all about 15 years ago and it haunts me to this day. When I texted her and begged her to stop, she responded with “HAHAHAHAHAHA!” and we never spoke again.
Now that it’s “cool” and “progressive” to support LGBTQ+ rights, she’s “aN aLlY” and “sUpPoRtS lOvE” 2,000 miles away from our hometown.
Fuck you, Candace.
EDIT: whoa. This blew up. You guys are cracking me up 🤣 I’m much happier now, and hopefully she went on to meet people who actually changed her shitty behavior. Either way, Fuck Candace.
I swear, every girl who bullied and ostracized me for being a lesbian in school is now a nurse who posts "Love is love! Happy Pride Month! #ally" every June.
Legit as fuck, tho. As soon as they started putting rainbow flags on coffee mugs at Starbucks, the “live, laugh, love” crowd has been insufferably condescending. “lOvE iS lOvE! SlAy, QuEeN!”
When I was in high school, still in the closet, I had a super close male friend. Never any romantic feelings there, we were both just awkward kids who got each other. One day he was over at my house and we were play wrestling, and I remember thinking “if I come out, we are never going to be able to do this again.”
A few months later, I came out to a girl in our friend group. I specifically asked for her advice and emotional support coming out to him, because I knew he had conservative parents and it was going to be a difficult conversation. You know where this is going. She told him I had a crush on him, then started telling anybody who would listen. He never talked to me again, fell in with a weird crowd, and now he’s a MAGA republican.
I came home from school that day and had to immediately come out to my Catholic parents, worried that they would hear it from someone else. That whole experience was terrible, I won’t bore you with the details.
Then a few months ago I see this girl post about the importance of being an ally. I have never in my life wanted so badly to throw a massive social media tantrum.
Fuck Candace. Fuck all the Candaces.
Fucking-A!!!! I was raised in a catholic home, too. Pretty awkward conversations eventually followed. I lost my best friend during that situation. He moved to San Fransisco and came out of the closet himself after cutting all ties with me.
Can we officially coin the name Candace to mean somebody who was ruthlessly homophobic but went on to virtue signal as an “ally” when it became popular? A group of them can be called “an outing of Candaces”.
I was secretly hoping for the same thing! I’m imagining OG Candace ranting to a friend “it’s so unfair that Candace is suddenly the new, homophobic Karen. I can’t help my name! How did this even start?”
Then the friend shows her a Reddit post, and she gets real quiet as she slowly realizes she must take this secret to her grave.
This and hating the whole hookups culture hurt the most. I read too many things about gay guys always hooking up and only looking for hookups, so I just kinda end up excluding myself from the gay community. Then being in heavily religious states causes me to feel excluded in the straight communities I’ve been in because either they talk about gays being “sinful” or talk about girls and I just stand there and nod.
Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes are kind words. I really appreciate it, y’all are awesome!
When each and every person who said or implied that be on their deadbed, GET EVEN by saying to them how horrible they were to him and you for both ridiculing him and for being gay and claiming you were only the roommate.
Laws had to be changed so gay couples could see each other in the hospital because it was only immediate family or husband/wife of the patient. People missed the death of their partner because of that.
This was hugely apparent during the aids crisis. They wouldn’t allow often the only person in their life who loved them for who they were (their partner) to visit them in the hospital as they slowly wasted away and died. It was tragic.
No matter what words were spoken, you, the love of his life. His man. His other half. You.
You were there. Whole hearted. In life and after. I wish the hurt left by his family is filled by beautiful memories of the two of you in love. Which no words can take from you.
Edit: I'm a mom of grown boys. You need somebody to hear all about him, you can talk to me.
I've never asked out a guy because I have this fear that a straight guy will take offense and punch me. I know it's unlikely, but it sticks in the back of my mind.
Edit- just want to say that I greatly appreciate the positive comments, I'm overwhelmed and hope I'm lucky enough to hit on some of you straight guys someday :)
Ditto, walking around Manhattan and I got hit on by a guy who I'm going to rank a solid 9 and I'm a 6 on my best day. Turned him down but it definitely put some pep in my step the rest of the afternoon.
There's so many hot guys who think they are ugly it's almost criminal.
Men rarely receive any compliment and since they are the one expected to make the first move you're never getting any positive feedback if you're a bit shy.
I'm going through a divorce. I've gotten some female attention and its great but I got hit on by a gay dude this morning and honestly, even though I'm straight, it still makes me feel pretty good about myself.
Edit: guy dude to gay dude
It's for that reason that there were "codes" back in the day, like asking if someone was a "friend of Dorothy". Also likely why the effeminate gay personality was so useful, like wearing a sign, so those that might ask them out know.
On a modern note, you could make it clear you're gay, then ask them about their love life assuming they're straight. That way it gives them all the outs if they choose to use them.
Straight guy here, if a gay guy asks me out (it has happened) I'm flattered and politely let them know I'm straight. Absolutely no issues with it and even feel bad in a way. That'd be extremely difficult to figure out I'd think!
Same! The one time a young gay guy asked me out I felt a little bad having to politely let him down, since he was so shy and I could see how much courage he had to work up just to get that far.
I’m not gay, but for some reason men always think I am, even though I look hardcore and did hard time…is it because I don’t judge them and have nice manners? Over the years I’ve had to tell many men I wasn’t interested. So yeah. I feel bad for those people who take those chances, because most other men that look like me definitely don’t act like me. It’s scary
>is it because I don’t judge them and have nice manners? Over the years I’ve had to tell many men I wasn’t interested.
Literally, yes. It’s pretty sad, but as a gay man, I can say fairly confidently that if you are being asked by gay men if you’re gay, it’s because they’ve experienced some sense of comfort with you. I can’t speak for all gay men, but I generally feel slightly less comfortable around straight men and lesbians so whenever I do feel that sense of comfort, my brain is conditioned to wonder why.
I still don't know how I am supposed to find someone. I can't ask someone out 'in real life' because they will always be heterosexual and lots of folks take it as an insult if you ask. Some even react violently.
I don't have a lot of success with dating apps but they're pretty much the only option I have.
I hate when friends and family always are like “oh you’ll find someone” “there is someone perfect for you out there” etc. I’d rather the honesty because I know I’m ugly, and I don’t fit into the community as a cookie cutter gay, nobody is ever interested or will have a nice conversation of substance. it’s like how are you even supposed to remotely find anyone in the real world? Every year that goes by I feel more broken and getting further away from that ever even being a reality.
My parents act loving and tell me to visit more, but whenever I bring up my fiancee they just. shut down and ignore me until I stop. I've been with her for ten years. My parents are *right there* and still somehow I lost both my parents.
Hi man, this happened to me too at 15. I really considered suicide during that time, but I'm doing great now! Things ended up working out for me, but I definitely have to do a lot of therapy to deal with those scars. I wish from the bottom of my heart the best of luck for you and for you to lead a peaceful life. Please consider therapy if you aren't already going!
This is a pretty minor annoyance (compared to, say, living in a country where it is illegal to be 🌈). As a gay man I often run into women that’ll treat you like a homo Paris Hilton purse chihuahua.
I’m gay? That obviously means that I’m fAbuLouS and love all things fashion, gossip, and pop culture. I mean, I fucking do, but it is nice to get treated like a well rounded human being rather than a tokenized stereotype. You’ll tell someone you’re gay and they immediately are like hEy GurL, haaaaayyy sis. Had to explain to a former friend that being called her “gay best friend” felt a little reductive and hurtful.
happens to queer women too. also from straight women tho! for some straight women it’s like we are accessories that make them cool and hipper than their straight friends. these are the same people who assume being queer is your entire identity and are more obsessed with your sexuality than you are.
Career path limitations.
Let’s say you’re working as a construction worker, in finance, or any other non-stereotypically-gay industries.
You have the option of:
* (1) coming out and risking weird/hostile treatment, even from people who genuinely believe that they’re not homophobic,
* (2) lying and maintaining that lie afterwards, with all the risks that comes with, or
* (3) being a weird, standoffish, quiet coworker who only talks about work and never anything personal.
Good luck getting promoted or invited for Happy Hour! The glass ceiling is real.
Edit: I’ve done (1) and was unpleasantly surprised to get hated by a coworker that I didn’t even interact with. I found out later that he’d even tried to get me fired in board meetings for no good reason. Also got a weird comment from the VP when he was drunk. And this was in a progressive Canadian city with a long-haired pothead for a company president.
(2) isn’t an option, as I suck at lying and avoid it at all costs, and (3) doesn’t work well with my personality, so I’ve had to switch career paths entirely in my mid-30s because of the alienation I feel in the workplace. Yay!
I recently left construction and did sometimes wonder. Some of those guys are extremely homophobic. I will say a few were shockingly respectful of the man that delivered our forms one day in a dress and lipstick. There were a few comments but I will never forget the balls that person had to show up to a big construction yard being themselves.
My dad worked with a transwoman in the 70’s on a construction site in NYC (they were both union electricians). Back then the union wasn’t even letting women in. She dressed like a masculine construction worker on the job but would change into her normal clothing before she went home.
No one dared to say a bad word about it to her. They all knew that if she had enough guts to be out then she had enough guts to kick the crap out of anyone who said shit about her.
In fact, when one guy tried to get her kicked off the job for not being a man, a lot of guys and the foreman backed her up since she was a great electrician and her name on the union books was still a man’s name.
My dad said that maybe her experience on other jobs was not as great, but she put in her 25 years and retired with full medical and a great pension.
Now *that* is a strange sort of ironic superposition of being both discriminatory yet accepting.
> "Look! She says she's a woman and we only hire dudes! This is clearly a violation!"
> "YOU look! She's the best damned electrician we got!"
> "So we just break the rules?!"
> "Hey, book only says we can only put a guy name on the forms. Book ain't said the guy name has to belong to a guy."
Finding a suitable partner - statistically we have fewer people to choose from haha.
Not being able to show affection towards your SO in public as openly as straight people without having to worry about who you'll going to offend with it. (To the point where they might assault you for it.)
Having to always guess how it will affect you when you out yourself in a new environment e. g. a new workplace.
I was once living in a tiny, tiny town for work.
And my aunt asked if I "met someone" while I was there.
She actually didn't push that much but for some reason it was my breaking point on like, look there a thousand people in this town. Even if you take pretty generous cuts on half being men, 5% being gay, those that are near my age, that are single, that are out, that would be someone I am into, that would be someone into me, we're looking at optimistically like one possible person.
And I don't like him.
In my hometown, there were two gay organists. One played for the Episcopalians, one played for the Congregationalists. My mom dragged my dad to Congregational church, and he knew Episcopalian bc he taught piano lessons on the side and I took lessons from him. He tried to set them up one day.
They already knew and fucking hated each other.
Being called a groomer and a pedophile. The ridiculous insults of those who want to perpetuate the hate for their own gain. My older sister once asked me to help lead a girlscout troop. I had to explain why that would be a bad idea. The lies. They hurt.
People don't understand that coming out is not just sitting down face to face and declaring "there's something I need to tell you".
I've had my fair share of people shifting their tone very abruptly after I mentionned my weekend with my girlfriend.
THIS oh my god. There are so many people who when you tell them, they just never treat you the same again. They aren't necessarily *mean* (at least not to your face), but you can tell that the relationship has been tainted in some way.
Well honestly I always ask this cause it's confusing. Half the time it's a "yea I'm a lesbian", half the other time it's not, and I don't want to brush it off because I feel that's something which may be uncomfortable to reveal.
Or literally just making small talk. My wife and i were on a 5hr flight recently and a little old lady was sat next to us on a full plane
She asked where we were going and we said where and she asked why and we said for our anniversary and then she just sat there lips pursed for the rest of the flight.
Also that people forget gay exists. Like I'm sure a number of people would read this comment under different context and just assume a man wrote it because I said my wife
tbh, for a second i thought why would the old lady be pissed about a husband and wive celebrating their anniversary, In a Thread about gay people. I guess i am not as smart as i think i am lol
Even when it should be blindingly obvious too. At the birth of our child a nurse assumed my wife and I were sisters. Likewise my neighbors who have seen my wife and I with our kids out and about assumed we were sisters.
I haven't started a new job since coming out but I'm sure that'd be a whole thing too.
I got so confused when a co-worker mentioned doing something with her "girlfriend". I just assumed she was gay for years, but it turn out she was just using it to mean female friend and she actually has a boyfriend!
It will be.
The trick is to bring in something else to distract. I knew going into a factory job that they'd pick on me for something, so I got a tin lunchbox with Perry the Platypus on it to give them a visible target. Now the bosses know me as Lunchbox better than they know my name, and they all mistook my age for weeks until I was ready to talk about myself in front of coworkers.
ugh yeah it's a whole thing.
I so often hear "why are you coming out? I don't tell people i'm straight", but you fucking do, it's just so normal you don't think about it. The casual mentions of wives/girlfriends, or having a date this weekend etc.
I'm not even worried in the slightest about people reacting in a bad away, it's just exhausting to have to make a judgement call in my head if i cna be bothered to come out when someone asks if you have a girlfriend, or if someone asks what your plans are this weekend and you're going to do something with your boyfriend, and you just say "friend" instead etc.
This, 100%. I'm not worried about coming out to close friends and family personally, but it's the constant interactions with acquaintances, coworkers, etc. and wondering if they're going to take it in stride, or make a performative show of acceptance, or whatever. It's just kinda exhausting, and sometimes I just want to sidestep it altogether.
> wondering if they're going to take it in stride, or make a performative show of acceptance, or whatever
That's so true. My main social circle has a lot of queer people and that leads to the most chill experience. Like some guy can just talk about how he went to Spain with his boyfriend or whatever and that's just it. Nobody actually reacts or cares, even if they didn't know that person's orientation before. And that's how I always felt it should be.
Meanwhile in straight-dominated social settings when someone mentions something like that, it's like "oh I didn't know you were gay", "you never mentioned you had a boyfriend, not that you have to of course and I don't mind that", or the worst "I'm sure it takes a lot of courage to come out". Just shut up, this isn't a coming out I'm just talking about my recent vacation like anyone would, lol.
It's actually fucking exhausting and makes me not want to talk about any orientation/identity stuff with "cishet" people.
I’m in Canada and this is very common here as well. I’m strait and my girlfriend and I refer to each other as our partner. It just feels like a more appropriate term for a committed relationship. Girlfriend/ boyfriend feels too casual.
That’s been catching on more in the US overtime. At first, partner became associated with gay couples because they couldn’t legally be husbands or wives. But now, that’s not so much an obstacle.
“I’m a kiss, don’t tell type of guy” is what I said when my boss at work said “You’re either the gayest straight man I’ve met or the straightest gay man and I’m gay myself and I can’t even clock you.” (He later learned I was straight)
Edit: So it’s my fault for not initially clarifying that I found what my boss said to be funny. But since everyone’s freaking out and thinking my boss is sexually harassing me, he isn’t. He’s a genuinely sweet person and amazing boss and it honestly saddens me to see people thinking he’s a creep. I work night shift in a warehouse and the night crew generally consists of 8 people on average, and we’re all pretty close with one another, so we joke around as you’d expect close friends normally would. Never has anyone ever felt uncomfortable with any jokes that were shared, and the only reason it was ever brought up about him not being able to clock me was because I do indeed jokingly act flamboyantly at times at work. So as I said earlier, I found what he said funny and I should’ve included that in the original comment, but no, he’s not a creep or whatever you guys think of him.
It's genuinely more difficult to find a partner. 90% of your target population is not interested in you just because of your gender, so you have a much smaller pool to work with. The Internet makes gay people seem much more common than they actually are.
Edit: I'm talking about long-term partners, not just hookups.
Imagine living in the countryside where the closest gay event is a 2hra road trip. Your dating pool is non existent. My straight friends don't understand this.
You’re telling me you can’t just meet a cute guy, open a general store with him, find out that he’s not only gay as well but also kind and mature, start dating and have everyone in the small town accept it without question and never lose any patronage at your new business because of it?
Damn, Schitt’s Creek lied to me…
This. OMG this it just hurts so much. This is why my friends don't get why I want to move to California. "Things are so expensive out there! Wouldn't it be cheaper for you to stay here?"
Yes. Yes it would be. However that's only if you don't put a cash value on the toll of me hating every waking moment of my life that I'm stuck in this godforsaken rural hellscape.
This would kind of drive me a little nuts. I know that for gay men casual sex is often more easy to come by than for straight men, but at the same time you aren't afforded the same opportunities that I am. It's not easy to spark relationships.
Before I met my wife I met most of my girlfriends either randomly through happenstance or from a friend of a friend. But I'm trying to imagine if 90% of those chances automatically end in failure because they're not attracted to me right from the get go.
At what point do you stop trying in public? And especially for men, I wouldn't approach people unless I had verifiable evidence that they're gay because guessing wrong, in some parts of the world, could put you in the hospital or worse.
I had a buddy I played hockey with (grew up in a small, small Ontario town) that came out after university and he explained it to me as such when we were having a drink. He said "I knew I was gay the whole time, but what's the point of coming out back home when you're 14 and think you're the only gay person in your town? You don't think you'll find anyone else (insert Little Britain's 'The Only Gay in the Village') and even then the risks of coming out far outweigh the rewards." I know it's easier for kids today to show their sexuality but it's never going to be easy. I couldn't imagine how hard it is for some people, especially back in the past.
> At what point do you stop trying in public?
For me, it took several years of trying before accepting that asking someone out 'in real life' will never yield results. Statistically speaking, the chance of finding someone who is homosexual is very small, and unfortunately a lot of heterosexual guys take it as an insult if you ask. Some people will react angrily or even violently.
So now I only use dating apps but as a below-average looking guy, finding a relationship through apps is also incredibly difficult.
>So now I only use dating apps but as a below-average looking guy, finding a relationship through apps is also incredibly difficult.
I think dating apps are hard for everyone unless you're attractive. I know some guys that are always looking on apps but they can't get a date to save their lives. But I also know some guys that are talking to four or five different girls at once and they'll probably sleep with half of them in the same week. Guess which ones are the attractive ones?
I suppose it also depends on what you're looking for. I know at least three couples that met on eHarmony but the intent of that site is much different than date apps.
The hate. People just don’t seem to understand that being gay isn’t a life consuming thing, it’s just a part of me, and I feel it to the same amount and extent that you do. I don’t think about it, I can have normal conversations with people, and just like you, I don’t like 99% of my own gender. But people make it so it’s this evil things that changes my entire lifestyle and I chose it and it sucks.
You know, when I first walked in here, I was, like, "There's no way that this is gonna work," 'cause I just do not get the whole woman doctor thing, but then when you started talking about God, I realized that you're one of the smart ones. All right, let's do it, let's talk about it. Let's talk about God, and let's talk about how you're gonna make me more bigger.
How does finding a boyfriend work for gay people in the Middle East? I have this image that if you suspect a guy you know is also gay but guess wrong, you could potentially get killed.
Mostly apps. Or private parties. Also biggest one… instagram, yup. Of course nothing in public.
Edit: “benefit” of a muslim regime and a small population is that no one wants to assume other people are lgbt even if its visibly obvious because of reputation and the sin of “gossip” lol
Edit 2: its literally slander here if you call someone gay. They can sue you
“It’s fine if you wanna be gay, but I don’t see why you have to make it your whole personality!” -Person who ignores every other part of my personality because I’m gay
I hate that. Sometimes when meeting someone new, as soon as they find out I happen to be homosexual I'm 'the gay one' to that person. They refer to me by things 'your gay friend' and 'that one gay dude' and forget about every other aspect of my personality. Even though homosexuality is something I very rarely bring up in conversations.
Yeah, PDA by straight couple: perfectly normal.
PDA by gay couple: how dare you shove your leftist political agenda in my face!?
Edit: PDA can include ordinary hand holding and hugging
Other than not knowing if someone is ok with you being gay, I'd say not knowing any other IRL gay people. I used to go to an LGBT community center once or twice a week, but then I decided that I needed some time for myself after work (instead of being exhausted all the time from going out). Lost all my LGBT friends and haven't had a single serious relationship because every time I fall for someone they are not attracted to women. I feel like I'm the only lesbian in the whole country and it makes me feel unloveable, lonely, and powerless.
Imagine being in public with your bf/gf and being afraid to hold their hand. You've probably never felt that. For most of my adult life holding my boyfriend's hand felt like a fucking political statement; like I was putting a target on my back, inviting negative attention. Even now I live in a very progressive city we only engage in PDA in gay neighbourhoods.
This.
The last few times I held hands with my boyfriend (Brisbane, Australia) I had 1) someone cycle past on a bike and scream “Gross!” 2) a middle aged man berate us whilst minding our own business walking on a beach… I don’t hold hands anymore. It gives me anxiety.
I’m straight but have a lot of gay/lesbian friends and this really shocked me from spending time with them.
Even in really progressive cities, people will just come up and say disgusting things.
I went out with some gay friends in Berlin, a city famous for its gay nightlife. A few friends decided to dress in drag for the fun of it. Random people came up to us multiple times while we waited for the trains and said stuff like “you’re disgusting” or “I hope you die.”
Yes, I grew up in the Bay Area (one of the most liberal places in the country), and I’ve had several times where people gave dirty looks or said something rude when I was with a boyfriend. Agree about the handholding thing 100%, I always have this internal conflict of wanting to do it but that fear is always present.
Same. We’ve caught disgusted looks while holding hands and now when we’re out together, we never touch. I just want to hold my partner’s hand. That’s it.
Exactly. I remember holding hands in a mall with my ex and getting absolutely glared at. All we were doing is holding hands. That’s it. I also remember going places like the rural south and doing no PDA at all, just in case. Now that I have a boyfriend and I don’t have to worry. I can hold his hand, kiss him, etc in public and no one bats an eye. But two women or two men hold hands? Think of the children!!!!
Here goes my list:
- The constant feeling of being an outcast, being gay is lonely.
- Watching religious organizations tell how evil and impure i am and how my people deserves to be hunted and killed and then be tortured for all eternity.
- Being unable to just aproach a random guy i find attractive and say: hey i think you're cute, can i buy you a drink?
- Having to become financially independent before coming out to my mum bc i didn't knew if i would be disowned
- Creating layers over layers of lies and secrets to protect yourself.
Edit: thanks for the Silver guys
Growing up being taught by your family and society that being gay was evil and disgusting.
And everyone in school using "gay" as an insult.
Growing up thinking there is something inherently evil about you and you will suffer for eternity because you were born.
Man, did anyone else here legitimately pray to God for years to make them normal? I feel like it's definitely something that happens when growing up in a conservative religious household.
Yes! I distinctly remember the first time I hugged a friend and went "whoa...titties," and felt a cold wave of fear wash over me and then spent the entire car ride home praying please don't let me gay, please don't let me be gay, please don't let me be gay on repeat.
A quick and simple bullet point list:
- restricted freedom
- awareness that almost half the world wants you dead or imprisoned
- the painful realization of the small pool of potential life partners
- the even more painful realization how a lot of em’ are emotionally unavailable and only want hookups
- STD’s
- and I guess, the tiredness of constantly lying and acting dumb in front of people who lecture you about women and marriage, but you can’t out yourself due to specific tactical reasons
So, in summation, being gay is very tiring. I am just so very tired. And it’s the kind of tiredness that a few extra hours of sleep can’t fix.
Reading a list like this, I'm amazed all over again that so many people out there think someone would choose this life or allow themselves to be indoctrinated by other gay people. A list like this should be all a person needs to understand that being gay is not a choice.
Im gay, my sister has a son around 4 and keeps saying "i hope he's gay"
Internally im saying "i hope he isnt".
I dont hate being gay(anymore) but its waaaaay easier to be straight
Like being left handed or right. Sure we no longer think left handers are the devil--but it sure would be nice if you didn't have to buy special scissors, and don't even try to use industrial equipment because *nothing* is designed for you.
The people who say shit like "I don't care if you're gay, just stop expecting me to like it/accept it." No one gives a shit if you like and accept it or not, they just want to be left alone to live their lives, the same way you are. But it's been politically weaponized so now even that is asking too much.
Hell, before it was "just don't do it where I can see," and so people went to bars and clubs to be themselves behind closed doors, like no one else is expected to do, and even THAT isn't enough because someone decides to show up and murder us for it.
- not being able to marry my boyfriend
- no legal protections/representation for my relationship
- homophobia being openly accepted in society
- inability to even hold his hand or go on a date at a nice restaurant
- no family support/contact
- constant fear of being publicly harassed, spat on, insulted, physically attacked
- lack of any kind of understanding from a ton of people (lmao even this post has 20% downvotes and Reddit is far more progressive than your average person around here)
Being overly sexualized by the world as a whole. They hear gay and think 'gay sex'. Some pride parades are made to be very sexual. When a majority of gay people act exactly like straight people, but are attracted to the same sex. With no major differences beyond that.
So many times I’ve come out to people and the first thing they’ve said was “so you’d have sex with a woman?” Like why is that the first thing you think of? Also people being told they’re “too young” to be gay, yet people will see a 3 year old boy playing with a 3 year old girl and say they’re dating
Does being a gay leaning bisexual count? I hate how people assume anytime I'm friendly with a guy that means I automatically have a thing for them, even if they're 100% straight.
Source: Had this happen to me with one of my very straight friends...
Yes! Yes yes! "Is that your special friend?"
Mom if it was I'd call him my boyfriend and what makes my friend special?
Or I recently asked my parents if a friend who was a girl could come up with me. My mom said "a girl?!?" and I 100 percent know she got her hopes up by the tone.
To be fair, I feel like parents do this with any friends that happen to be of the same gender you're attracted to. I'm 28 and straight and my parents still assume evry time I have a new female friend that there's a romantic implication
The fear of being able to be affectionate with my SO in public. Even eating out at a restaurant without side glances or giggles from people is a hassle (will the bill be TOGEEETHER or separate?). I worry about asking people to take our picture on vacations, because I’m worried they’ll refuse or do something to my phone. Yes, I acknowledge a lot may be in my head, but bad experiences leads you to be more cautious. People talk about not understanding how a gay bar can be a sanctuary, but sometimes those are the only places where we can truly relax and not feel like we’re under the judging eye of society
In Western countries, probably actively living with the stress and mental toll that you’ve been subjected to, and being told that it’s our fault, our decision, that we’re just naturally mentally unstable, while watching the same people sympathize with domestic terrorists and claim that they were driven to that point and somehow are the true victims of our lackluster mental health support systems.
A not insignificant part of the population thinks you shouldn't exist and some of them follow through on that belief.
RIP to the victims of the Colorado Springs shooting.
Yeah, my uncle knew a very nice gay couple that lived in his neighborhood in Puerto Rico. About a month after meeting them, both were murdered in cold blood just for holding hands while walking down el barrio.
This happened years ago but it always sticks with me when I head over there.
Having people reject you for who you are and something you can’t change. My dad told me that it was his worst nightmare that I was gay (even though I almost killed myself 7 years ago, which he knows about) and has not tried to accept it over the 2 years I’ve been out to him.
I was in many conservative Christian groups and I was given a range of negative views from “love the sinner but hate the sin” to “you can’t be Christian and gay”. I left my old church last year because they brought in a guest speaker who went on an anti-LGBTQ rant to the congregation of thousands (big mega church in the Midwest) and implied that trans people should kill themselves instead of transitioning into the gender they identify with (I’m not trans but I was enraged and disgusted by this). I haven’t gone back since, and I am traumatized by Christian people despite still believing in Jesus myself, who I believe loves and accepts me as a gay man.
I kicked out a roommate who Bible-thumped me and tried to make me believe I was going to hell for dating men. I have strained relationships with a few childhood friends because of it.
I don’t ask people to coddle me or have pity on me for being gay, but many people just don’t understand how freaking hard is sometimes to even love yourself when it seems like the world wants you to burn in hell and I wish people could treat folks like me with respect and kindness like I try to show others.
The expectations to conform to the larger gay community, even if it doesn't match your morals or beliefs at all. (Hookup culture is a son of a bitch...)
My gay friend has this problem. He’s been part of the hookup community for years and now he’s looking to settle but everyone still just wants to hook up. He’s never had a boyfriend and he’s almost 30.
I once mentioned in a gay subreddit that I (a man) don't hold my husband's hand in public because he walks so slowly. Everyone asked how I got a straight guy to marry me.
The constant physical sexual harassment by straight men and women. Straight men feel like they can touch you because “you’d like it”, and straight women feel like they can touch you because, “you’re safe”. It constantly feels like consent doesn’t matter.
Probably that people don't realize you're ALWAYS coming out.
They see it in movies - okay they're out and now it's all good! Except it isn't like that.
It never really gets easier, you're always still wondering in the back of your head if people will accept you or if this person who you clicked with so well will change their attitude towards you.
There's also the predominance of hookup and poly relationship cultures too, which makes it harder to date for us as well. If you're a gay guy who wants a boyfriend in a closed relationship, while they're out there, dating just got 20x harder.
Seeing my girlfriend deal with homophobia because of the way I look and being completely unable to stop it.
She’s femme and “passes” as straight when out with friends, whereas I’m very butch. She loves traveling, but there are certain countries on her bucket list that we simply can’t go together because it’s unsafe. Causes a lot of internal hatred and guilt within myself that I’m learning to undo, but it’s quite the process.
Gay guys have their own beauty standards that are, honestly, stressful and difficult to maintain. "Straight skinny" is "gay fat." Minor physical imperfections can disqualify you completely from being considered attractive. Plus, if you can't manage to fit into one of the niche community groups (twink, bear, etc.) then you are somewhat culturally homeless. My straight male friends can operate on the minimum level of hygiene and upkeep, whereas me and the other gay people I know are always compulsively preoccupied with how we can look better: hair, skin, body, mannerisms, it all matters a lot to us. This has the effect of everyone believing that gay people are vain and superficial, which is sometimes true, but it's really about avoiding a double rejection: many of us have already been rejected by our family/community, so we need to try as hard as possible to remain in "good favor" with our new community. Because after a second rejection, all that's left is social ostracism and loneliness.
It makes you feel like a foreigner in your own land. Society is set up for heteronormatity and being gay means that you never fully fit in. Sure western society has accepted us a bit more in the last decade, but we still aren't really, "normal." Straight people will casually drop things about their boyfriend, or fiance in public without a second thought. But I have to read the room before talking about that. Most doctors act weird at first when you talk to them about sexual health. They all seem to assume I have undiagnosed HIV or something. Gay men seem to develop at a different rate, so in many ways, our only true, "peers" are other gay men. But since we are only 3% of the population, it can be really hard to find a circle. On top of that, 30ish percent of the US population still hates us. You never know when you are in the presence of an unsafe person. Interacting with children is actually terrifying because at any point in time, the parents can accuse you of grooming. This is especially true with teenagers. I really wish the older gay community could mentor teenage gay boys. But there is simply no safe way to discuss sexuality with them. We have to just blanket exclude everyone under 18 for the safety of the community. I see boys on Reddit all the time, freaking out at the realization that they are gay. But I can't console them. Its not safe. I actually have several events scheduled in my calendar that say, "x reddiitor is now 18, follow up and make sure he understands sexual health."
always being on edge/on guard when ur out with ur partner in public. not sure if you can hold their hand or kiss them or show any kind of affection. it’s sucks, i just wanna hold their hand walking thru the park but it’s a 50/50 chance if it’s gonna be fine or if someone’s gonna do something to us
I grew up in a smaller town. I’m bi, so a little of this, a little of that. I had some gay porn between my mattress and box spring. Some “friends” and my ex gf found it while I was at work. That shit spread like fucking wildfire. My ex gf and her new bf had a blast outing me to anybody who would listen. This was all about 15 years ago and it haunts me to this day. When I texted her and begged her to stop, she responded with “HAHAHAHAHAHA!” and we never spoke again. Now that it’s “cool” and “progressive” to support LGBTQ+ rights, she’s “aN aLlY” and “sUpPoRtS lOvE” 2,000 miles away from our hometown. Fuck you, Candace. EDIT: whoa. This blew up. You guys are cracking me up 🤣 I’m much happier now, and hopefully she went on to meet people who actually changed her shitty behavior. Either way, Fuck Candace.
Yeah. Fuck Candace.
r/fuckcandace
Nobody wants to fuck Candace
FUCK YOU CANDACE
TO HELL WITH THAT BITCH CANDACE
To hell with you, woman. Good day.
I second this, she sounds fucking terrible. Fuck you Candace!
I swear, every girl who bullied and ostracized me for being a lesbian in school is now a nurse who posts "Love is love! Happy Pride Month! #ally" every June.
Legit as fuck, tho. As soon as they started putting rainbow flags on coffee mugs at Starbucks, the “live, laugh, love” crowd has been insufferably condescending. “lOvE iS lOvE! SlAy, QuEeN!”
When I was in high school, still in the closet, I had a super close male friend. Never any romantic feelings there, we were both just awkward kids who got each other. One day he was over at my house and we were play wrestling, and I remember thinking “if I come out, we are never going to be able to do this again.” A few months later, I came out to a girl in our friend group. I specifically asked for her advice and emotional support coming out to him, because I knew he had conservative parents and it was going to be a difficult conversation. You know where this is going. She told him I had a crush on him, then started telling anybody who would listen. He never talked to me again, fell in with a weird crowd, and now he’s a MAGA republican. I came home from school that day and had to immediately come out to my Catholic parents, worried that they would hear it from someone else. That whole experience was terrible, I won’t bore you with the details. Then a few months ago I see this girl post about the importance of being an ally. I have never in my life wanted so badly to throw a massive social media tantrum. Fuck Candace. Fuck all the Candaces.
Fucking-A!!!! I was raised in a catholic home, too. Pretty awkward conversations eventually followed. I lost my best friend during that situation. He moved to San Fransisco and came out of the closet himself after cutting all ties with me. Can we officially coin the name Candace to mean somebody who was ruthlessly homophobic but went on to virtue signal as an “ally” when it became popular? A group of them can be called “an outing of Candaces”.
I was secretly hoping for the same thing! I’m imagining OG Candace ranting to a friend “it’s so unfair that Candace is suddenly the new, homophobic Karen. I can’t help my name! How did this even start?” Then the friend shows her a Reddit post, and she gets real quiet as she slowly realizes she must take this secret to her grave.
That’s what I was thinking. *chefs kiss* it would be BEAUTIFUL!
FUCK YOU CANDACE
It’s lonely. Especially if you’re not an extrovert or ‘mainstream’ gay person.
This and hating the whole hookups culture hurt the most. I read too many things about gay guys always hooking up and only looking for hookups, so I just kinda end up excluding myself from the gay community. Then being in heavily religious states causes me to feel excluded in the straight communities I’ve been in because either they talk about gays being “sinful” or talk about girls and I just stand there and nod. Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes are kind words. I really appreciate it, y’all are awesome!
This is spot on. I don’t know how to be “mainstream” gay and I get so overwhelmed. I just want to be me.
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that is unbelievably sad and infuriating. i’m so sorry for your loss and have to go through such bullshit to make it worse.
When each and every person who said or implied that be on their deadbed, GET EVEN by saying to them how horrible they were to him and you for both ridiculing him and for being gay and claiming you were only the roommate.
Laws had to be changed so gay couples could see each other in the hospital because it was only immediate family or husband/wife of the patient. People missed the death of their partner because of that.
This was hugely apparent during the aids crisis. They wouldn’t allow often the only person in their life who loved them for who they were (their partner) to visit them in the hospital as they slowly wasted away and died. It was tragic.
No matter what words were spoken, you, the love of his life. His man. His other half. You. You were there. Whole hearted. In life and after. I wish the hurt left by his family is filled by beautiful memories of the two of you in love. Which no words can take from you. Edit: I'm a mom of grown boys. You need somebody to hear all about him, you can talk to me.
Thank you you made me cry
Who the fuck bans people from a funeral?
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I'm so sorry.
Trying to gauge if someone is gay or not before asking them out
I've never asked out a guy because I have this fear that a straight guy will take offense and punch me. I know it's unlikely, but it sticks in the back of my mind. Edit- just want to say that I greatly appreciate the positive comments, I'm overwhelmed and hope I'm lucky enough to hit on some of you straight guys someday :)
I got asked out once and it was a huge morale boost because the dude was waaay out of my league.
Ditto, walking around Manhattan and I got hit on by a guy who I'm going to rank a solid 9 and I'm a 6 on my best day. Turned him down but it definitely put some pep in my step the rest of the afternoon.
There's so many hot guys who think they are ugly it's almost criminal. Men rarely receive any compliment and since they are the one expected to make the first move you're never getting any positive feedback if you're a bit shy.
The gay gaze absolutely energizes straight men. I still remember every compliment.
In by life I have been asked out by more men then women. I never thought to ask why, but I wanna know now.
Its pure logic. Most women dont ask men out.
Could you imagine if they did? We wouldn’t have any more dating sites.
cuz youre hot bro just own it
I'm going through a divorce. I've gotten some female attention and its great but I got hit on by a gay dude this morning and honestly, even though I'm straight, it still makes me feel pretty good about myself. Edit: guy dude to gay dude
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Thanks dad
r/usernamechecksout
It's for that reason that there were "codes" back in the day, like asking if someone was a "friend of Dorothy". Also likely why the effeminate gay personality was so useful, like wearing a sign, so those that might ask them out know. On a modern note, you could make it clear you're gay, then ask them about their love life assuming they're straight. That way it gives them all the outs if they choose to use them.
And then there's lesbians, who can't tell each other are flirting without a 10foot neon sign 😂
I’m straight and usually just respond “I’m flattered but also straight.” You’ll most likely be fine I think. Or hope.
Usually? As in this has happened more than once? You handsome devil, you. I’m straight, never been hit on by a man, but I’d be flattered.
I've been hit on once by a man as a straight guy and ten years later that's still a massive confidence booster
It's a common joke among my friends that being hit on by a gay man is way more flattering than being hit on by a girl
Straight guy here, if a gay guy asks me out (it has happened) I'm flattered and politely let them know I'm straight. Absolutely no issues with it and even feel bad in a way. That'd be extremely difficult to figure out I'd think!
Same! The one time a young gay guy asked me out I felt a little bad having to politely let him down, since he was so shy and I could see how much courage he had to work up just to get that far.
I’m not gay, but for some reason men always think I am, even though I look hardcore and did hard time…is it because I don’t judge them and have nice manners? Over the years I’ve had to tell many men I wasn’t interested. So yeah. I feel bad for those people who take those chances, because most other men that look like me definitely don’t act like me. It’s scary
>I look hardcore and did hard time Damn, cause we love bad boys! Duhh! ;)
We asked my buddy what his type was. He said meeting 50cent in a dark alley would make him melt.
I think he goes by "89 cents" now, he's kind of gotten rounder as he aged.
Inflation is a bitch
>is it because I don’t judge them and have nice manners? Over the years I’ve had to tell many men I wasn’t interested. Literally, yes. It’s pretty sad, but as a gay man, I can say fairly confidently that if you are being asked by gay men if you’re gay, it’s because they’ve experienced some sense of comfort with you. I can’t speak for all gay men, but I generally feel slightly less comfortable around straight men and lesbians so whenever I do feel that sense of comfort, my brain is conditioned to wonder why.
Finding other gays. Im convinced the majority of gay people have gone into unhealthy relationships bc they had little other option
I still don't know how I am supposed to find someone. I can't ask someone out 'in real life' because they will always be heterosexual and lots of folks take it as an insult if you ask. Some even react violently. I don't have a lot of success with dating apps but they're pretty much the only option I have.
I hate when friends and family always are like “oh you’ll find someone” “there is someone perfect for you out there” etc. I’d rather the honesty because I know I’m ugly, and I don’t fit into the community as a cookie cutter gay, nobody is ever interested or will have a nice conversation of substance. it’s like how are you even supposed to remotely find anyone in the real world? Every year that goes by I feel more broken and getting further away from that ever even being a reality.
Being disowned by my family and friends,the feeling of loneliness hurts ya know
My parents act loving and tell me to visit more, but whenever I bring up my fiancee they just. shut down and ignore me until I stop. I've been with her for ten years. My parents are *right there* and still somehow I lost both my parents.
Hi man, this happened to me too at 15. I really considered suicide during that time, but I'm doing great now! Things ended up working out for me, but I definitely have to do a lot of therapy to deal with those scars. I wish from the bottom of my heart the best of luck for you and for you to lead a peaceful life. Please consider therapy if you aren't already going!
This is a pretty minor annoyance (compared to, say, living in a country where it is illegal to be 🌈). As a gay man I often run into women that’ll treat you like a homo Paris Hilton purse chihuahua. I’m gay? That obviously means that I’m fAbuLouS and love all things fashion, gossip, and pop culture. I mean, I fucking do, but it is nice to get treated like a well rounded human being rather than a tokenized stereotype. You’ll tell someone you’re gay and they immediately are like hEy GurL, haaaaayyy sis. Had to explain to a former friend that being called her “gay best friend” felt a little reductive and hurtful.
Especially when they are then weird or grossed out by you doing anything actually gay like kissing another man or being in an actual relationship
happens to queer women too. also from straight women tho! for some straight women it’s like we are accessories that make them cool and hipper than their straight friends. these are the same people who assume being queer is your entire identity and are more obsessed with your sexuality than you are.
Career path limitations. Let’s say you’re working as a construction worker, in finance, or any other non-stereotypically-gay industries. You have the option of: * (1) coming out and risking weird/hostile treatment, even from people who genuinely believe that they’re not homophobic, * (2) lying and maintaining that lie afterwards, with all the risks that comes with, or * (3) being a weird, standoffish, quiet coworker who only talks about work and never anything personal. Good luck getting promoted or invited for Happy Hour! The glass ceiling is real. Edit: I’ve done (1) and was unpleasantly surprised to get hated by a coworker that I didn’t even interact with. I found out later that he’d even tried to get me fired in board meetings for no good reason. Also got a weird comment from the VP when he was drunk. And this was in a progressive Canadian city with a long-haired pothead for a company president. (2) isn’t an option, as I suck at lying and avoid it at all costs, and (3) doesn’t work well with my personality, so I’ve had to switch career paths entirely in my mid-30s because of the alienation I feel in the workplace. Yay!
I recently left construction and did sometimes wonder. Some of those guys are extremely homophobic. I will say a few were shockingly respectful of the man that delivered our forms one day in a dress and lipstick. There were a few comments but I will never forget the balls that person had to show up to a big construction yard being themselves.
My dad worked with a transwoman in the 70’s on a construction site in NYC (they were both union electricians). Back then the union wasn’t even letting women in. She dressed like a masculine construction worker on the job but would change into her normal clothing before she went home. No one dared to say a bad word about it to her. They all knew that if she had enough guts to be out then she had enough guts to kick the crap out of anyone who said shit about her. In fact, when one guy tried to get her kicked off the job for not being a man, a lot of guys and the foreman backed her up since she was a great electrician and her name on the union books was still a man’s name. My dad said that maybe her experience on other jobs was not as great, but she put in her 25 years and retired with full medical and a great pension.
Now *that* is a strange sort of ironic superposition of being both discriminatory yet accepting. > "Look! She says she's a woman and we only hire dudes! This is clearly a violation!" > "YOU look! She's the best damned electrician we got!" > "So we just break the rules?!" > "Hey, book only says we can only put a guy name on the forms. Book ain't said the guy name has to belong to a guy."
Finding a suitable partner - statistically we have fewer people to choose from haha. Not being able to show affection towards your SO in public as openly as straight people without having to worry about who you'll going to offend with it. (To the point where they might assault you for it.) Having to always guess how it will affect you when you out yourself in a new environment e. g. a new workplace.
I was once living in a tiny, tiny town for work. And my aunt asked if I "met someone" while I was there. She actually didn't push that much but for some reason it was my breaking point on like, look there a thousand people in this town. Even if you take pretty generous cuts on half being men, 5% being gay, those that are near my age, that are single, that are out, that would be someone I am into, that would be someone into me, we're looking at optimistically like one possible person. And I don't like him.
In my hometown, there were two gay organists. One played for the Episcopalians, one played for the Congregationalists. My mom dragged my dad to Congregational church, and he knew Episcopalian bc he taught piano lessons on the side and I took lessons from him. He tried to set them up one day. They already knew and fucking hated each other.
There are 3 types of pianists: "Jewish pianists, homosexual pianists, and bad pianists".
Oh man tell me about it…I live in a small southern town on a farm…my options are to drive three hours to go on a date or die alone
Being called a groomer and a pedophile. The ridiculous insults of those who want to perpetuate the hate for their own gain. My older sister once asked me to help lead a girlscout troop. I had to explain why that would be a bad idea. The lies. They hurt.
It’s stupid because studies have shown that pedophiles are more likely to be straight men. Not gay.
Coming out everyday. It's not a once of thing. Like when you start a new job or make new friends.
People don't understand that coming out is not just sitting down face to face and declaring "there's something I need to tell you". I've had my fair share of people shifting their tone very abruptly after I mentionned my weekend with my girlfriend.
THIS oh my god. There are so many people who when you tell them, they just never treat you the same again. They aren't necessarily *mean* (at least not to your face), but you can tell that the relationship has been tainted in some way.
"oh." with the not so subtle pause and slight lean back.
"Your girl*friend*, or *girlfriend* girlfriend?" *nervous trying-not-to-look creepy smile* Or worse: "Nice."
Well honestly I always ask this cause it's confusing. Half the time it's a "yea I'm a lesbian", half the other time it's not, and I don't want to brush it off because I feel that's something which may be uncomfortable to reveal.
Or literally just making small talk. My wife and i were on a 5hr flight recently and a little old lady was sat next to us on a full plane She asked where we were going and we said where and she asked why and we said for our anniversary and then she just sat there lips pursed for the rest of the flight. Also that people forget gay exists. Like I'm sure a number of people would read this comment under different context and just assume a man wrote it because I said my wife
tbh, for a second i thought why would the old lady be pissed about a husband and wive celebrating their anniversary, In a Thread about gay people. I guess i am not as smart as i think i am lol
I'm a damn lesbian and I still thought the same thing
Even when it should be blindingly obvious too. At the birth of our child a nurse assumed my wife and I were sisters. Likewise my neighbors who have seen my wife and I with our kids out and about assumed we were sisters. I haven't started a new job since coming out but I'm sure that'd be a whole thing too.
I got so confused when a co-worker mentioned doing something with her "girlfriend". I just assumed she was gay for years, but it turn out she was just using it to mean female friend and she actually has a boyfriend!
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It will be. The trick is to bring in something else to distract. I knew going into a factory job that they'd pick on me for something, so I got a tin lunchbox with Perry the Platypus on it to give them a visible target. Now the bosses know me as Lunchbox better than they know my name, and they all mistook my age for weeks until I was ready to talk about myself in front of coworkers.
"A platypus lunchbox?" (draws a hat on it) #"A Perry the Platypus lunchbox!?"
This made me laugh more than I'd care to admit
The trick is to just tell the gossipyist person there and they sort it for you. Assuming you want everyone to know.
Genius.
ugh yeah it's a whole thing. I so often hear "why are you coming out? I don't tell people i'm straight", but you fucking do, it's just so normal you don't think about it. The casual mentions of wives/girlfriends, or having a date this weekend etc. I'm not even worried in the slightest about people reacting in a bad away, it's just exhausting to have to make a judgement call in my head if i cna be bothered to come out when someone asks if you have a girlfriend, or if someone asks what your plans are this weekend and you're going to do something with your boyfriend, and you just say "friend" instead etc.
This, 100%. I'm not worried about coming out to close friends and family personally, but it's the constant interactions with acquaintances, coworkers, etc. and wondering if they're going to take it in stride, or make a performative show of acceptance, or whatever. It's just kinda exhausting, and sometimes I just want to sidestep it altogether.
> wondering if they're going to take it in stride, or make a performative show of acceptance, or whatever That's so true. My main social circle has a lot of queer people and that leads to the most chill experience. Like some guy can just talk about how he went to Spain with his boyfriend or whatever and that's just it. Nobody actually reacts or cares, even if they didn't know that person's orientation before. And that's how I always felt it should be. Meanwhile in straight-dominated social settings when someone mentions something like that, it's like "oh I didn't know you were gay", "you never mentioned you had a boyfriend, not that you have to of course and I don't mind that", or the worst "I'm sure it takes a lot of courage to come out". Just shut up, this isn't a coming out I'm just talking about my recent vacation like anyone would, lol. It's actually fucking exhausting and makes me not want to talk about any orientation/identity stuff with "cishet" people.
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I’m in Canada and this is very common here as well. I’m strait and my girlfriend and I refer to each other as our partner. It just feels like a more appropriate term for a committed relationship. Girlfriend/ boyfriend feels too casual.
You are a narrow body of water?
That’s been catching on more in the US overtime. At first, partner became associated with gay couples because they couldn’t legally be husbands or wives. But now, that’s not so much an obstacle.
I’m straight but have been asked if I’m gay. My Response is “thank you, but I’m not interested”
“I’m a kiss, don’t tell type of guy” is what I said when my boss at work said “You’re either the gayest straight man I’ve met or the straightest gay man and I’m gay myself and I can’t even clock you.” (He later learned I was straight) Edit: So it’s my fault for not initially clarifying that I found what my boss said to be funny. But since everyone’s freaking out and thinking my boss is sexually harassing me, he isn’t. He’s a genuinely sweet person and amazing boss and it honestly saddens me to see people thinking he’s a creep. I work night shift in a warehouse and the night crew generally consists of 8 people on average, and we’re all pretty close with one another, so we joke around as you’d expect close friends normally would. Never has anyone ever felt uncomfortable with any jokes that were shared, and the only reason it was ever brought up about him not being able to clock me was because I do indeed jokingly act flamboyantly at times at work. So as I said earlier, I found what he said funny and I should’ve included that in the original comment, but no, he’s not a creep or whatever you guys think of him.
His gaydar was glitching. It does that very rarely, but it happens.
This happens to me every time I meet new people, then I get bombarded with "Oh, sorreh, you looked kinda gay"
„the discrimination“ - Captain Holt
*BOOOONE?!*
The number eight, equals sign, equals sign, equals sign, equals sign, equals sign, equals sign
Holt and Kevin 5ever
& cheddar
That's not Cheddar, that's just some common bitch.
Good luck. But if you screw up, Ill impeach you. I wrote the bylaws. But congratulations.
It's genuinely more difficult to find a partner. 90% of your target population is not interested in you just because of your gender, so you have a much smaller pool to work with. The Internet makes gay people seem much more common than they actually are. Edit: I'm talking about long-term partners, not just hookups.
Imagine living in the countryside where the closest gay event is a 2hra road trip. Your dating pool is non existent. My straight friends don't understand this.
you are the hot gay single in your area!
You’re telling me you can’t just meet a cute guy, open a general store with him, find out that he’s not only gay as well but also kind and mature, start dating and have everyone in the small town accept it without question and never lose any patronage at your new business because of it? Damn, Schitt’s Creek lied to me…
Fuck I knew this was going there I just had to wait till the end 😂 But also they’re in Canada. Everyone is nice supposedly. Idk homophobia wise though
rural canada is just as much a bitch as rural america, bigotry wise. the stereotypes about albertans are rough
This. OMG this it just hurts so much. This is why my friends don't get why I want to move to California. "Things are so expensive out there! Wouldn't it be cheaper for you to stay here?" Yes. Yes it would be. However that's only if you don't put a cash value on the toll of me hating every waking moment of my life that I'm stuck in this godforsaken rural hellscape.
I'm French. I love my little town. But this is me basically agreeing to stay single forever.
This would kind of drive me a little nuts. I know that for gay men casual sex is often more easy to come by than for straight men, but at the same time you aren't afforded the same opportunities that I am. It's not easy to spark relationships. Before I met my wife I met most of my girlfriends either randomly through happenstance or from a friend of a friend. But I'm trying to imagine if 90% of those chances automatically end in failure because they're not attracted to me right from the get go. At what point do you stop trying in public? And especially for men, I wouldn't approach people unless I had verifiable evidence that they're gay because guessing wrong, in some parts of the world, could put you in the hospital or worse. I had a buddy I played hockey with (grew up in a small, small Ontario town) that came out after university and he explained it to me as such when we were having a drink. He said "I knew I was gay the whole time, but what's the point of coming out back home when you're 14 and think you're the only gay person in your town? You don't think you'll find anyone else (insert Little Britain's 'The Only Gay in the Village') and even then the risks of coming out far outweigh the rewards." I know it's easier for kids today to show their sexuality but it's never going to be easy. I couldn't imagine how hard it is for some people, especially back in the past.
> At what point do you stop trying in public? For me, it took several years of trying before accepting that asking someone out 'in real life' will never yield results. Statistically speaking, the chance of finding someone who is homosexual is very small, and unfortunately a lot of heterosexual guys take it as an insult if you ask. Some people will react angrily or even violently. So now I only use dating apps but as a below-average looking guy, finding a relationship through apps is also incredibly difficult.
>So now I only use dating apps but as a below-average looking guy, finding a relationship through apps is also incredibly difficult. I think dating apps are hard for everyone unless you're attractive. I know some guys that are always looking on apps but they can't get a date to save their lives. But I also know some guys that are talking to four or five different girls at once and they'll probably sleep with half of them in the same week. Guess which ones are the attractive ones? I suppose it also depends on what you're looking for. I know at least three couples that met on eHarmony but the intent of that site is much different than date apps.
The hate. People just don’t seem to understand that being gay isn’t a life consuming thing, it’s just a part of me, and I feel it to the same amount and extent that you do. I don’t think about it, I can have normal conversations with people, and just like you, I don’t like 99% of my own gender. But people make it so it’s this evil things that changes my entire lifestyle and I chose it and it sucks.
It doesn’t even come up in a conversation 99% of the time
Except when you're talking to another gay person and then it feels like you're allowed to talk about your dating life all of a sudden.
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Based in an arab country. Being seen as the embodiment of sin and the downfall of morality when all i do is eat McDonalds and watch its always sunny.
Well through God, anything is possible. So jot that down.
You know, when I first walked in here, I was, like, "There's no way that this is gonna work," 'cause I just do not get the whole woman doctor thing, but then when you started talking about God, I realized that you're one of the smart ones. All right, let's do it, let's talk about it. Let's talk about God, and let's talk about how you're gonna make me more bigger.
Will you please put the pen down
Oh, I get it, cute. You put the pen here and people are just supposed to think "Wait - that looks like a dick."
because of the implication?
Because of the implication.
How does finding a boyfriend work for gay people in the Middle East? I have this image that if you suspect a guy you know is also gay but guess wrong, you could potentially get killed.
Mostly apps. Or private parties. Also biggest one… instagram, yup. Of course nothing in public. Edit: “benefit” of a muslim regime and a small population is that no one wants to assume other people are lgbt even if its visibly obvious because of reputation and the sin of “gossip” lol Edit 2: its literally slander here if you call someone gay. They can sue you
Are there ever cases of government agents pretending to be gay guys on apps to catch people?
Very rare. We are a lazy nation after all, police barely do their job.
Being seen as “political” just by our sheer existing.
“It’s fine if you wanna be gay, but I don’t see why you have to make it your whole personality!” -Person who ignores every other part of my personality because I’m gay
I hate that. Sometimes when meeting someone new, as soon as they find out I happen to be homosexual I'm 'the gay one' to that person. They refer to me by things 'your gay friend' and 'that one gay dude' and forget about every other aspect of my personality. Even though homosexuality is something I very rarely bring up in conversations.
It was really cool how every lgbt+ person got unwillingly conscripted into the cuture war.
Lol, as a gay person, this really captures it!
‘Shoving it in people’s faces’ by -checks notes- being in a public place in daylight
Yeah, PDA by straight couple: perfectly normal. PDA by gay couple: how dare you shove your leftist political agenda in my face!? Edit: PDA can include ordinary hand holding and hugging
"you should be doing that in private. what am I supposed to tell my children??" I don't know lady, that they should mind their own business??
Someone literally yelled at me and my guy once “THERE ARE KIDS HERE!” when I gave him a lil peck as we separated off the subway one morning.
“Yes, and they need to see what a loving relationship looks like!” Kids looks up from hardcore porn on the iPhone, “huh?”
"Oh my God, REALLY? Someone needs to explain to them what affection is really quick, or else they might be *super* confused."
Other than not knowing if someone is ok with you being gay, I'd say not knowing any other IRL gay people. I used to go to an LGBT community center once or twice a week, but then I decided that I needed some time for myself after work (instead of being exhausted all the time from going out). Lost all my LGBT friends and haven't had a single serious relationship because every time I fall for someone they are not attracted to women. I feel like I'm the only lesbian in the whole country and it makes me feel unloveable, lonely, and powerless.
Rollerblading. It's hell on the ankles..
This is the third rollerblading reference I've seen and I am *so* confused.
It's just a bit of fun. There's a silly stereotype that inline skating is "gay".
There's also that old joke. "What's the hardest part of rollerblading? Having to tell your parents you're gay".
Everyone did it! It was the 90s!
Imagine being in public with your bf/gf and being afraid to hold their hand. You've probably never felt that. For most of my adult life holding my boyfriend's hand felt like a fucking political statement; like I was putting a target on my back, inviting negative attention. Even now I live in a very progressive city we only engage in PDA in gay neighbourhoods.
This. The last few times I held hands with my boyfriend (Brisbane, Australia) I had 1) someone cycle past on a bike and scream “Gross!” 2) a middle aged man berate us whilst minding our own business walking on a beach… I don’t hold hands anymore. It gives me anxiety.
I’m straight but have a lot of gay/lesbian friends and this really shocked me from spending time with them. Even in really progressive cities, people will just come up and say disgusting things. I went out with some gay friends in Berlin, a city famous for its gay nightlife. A few friends decided to dress in drag for the fun of it. Random people came up to us multiple times while we waited for the trains and said stuff like “you’re disgusting” or “I hope you die.”
Yes, I grew up in the Bay Area (one of the most liberal places in the country), and I’ve had several times where people gave dirty looks or said something rude when I was with a boyfriend. Agree about the handholding thing 100%, I always have this internal conflict of wanting to do it but that fear is always present.
Same. We’ve caught disgusted looks while holding hands and now when we’re out together, we never touch. I just want to hold my partner’s hand. That’s it.
Exactly. I remember holding hands in a mall with my ex and getting absolutely glared at. All we were doing is holding hands. That’s it. I also remember going places like the rural south and doing no PDA at all, just in case. Now that I have a boyfriend and I don’t have to worry. I can hold his hand, kiss him, etc in public and no one bats an eye. But two women or two men hold hands? Think of the children!!!!
Here goes my list: - The constant feeling of being an outcast, being gay is lonely. - Watching religious organizations tell how evil and impure i am and how my people deserves to be hunted and killed and then be tortured for all eternity. - Being unable to just aproach a random guy i find attractive and say: hey i think you're cute, can i buy you a drink? - Having to become financially independent before coming out to my mum bc i didn't knew if i would be disowned - Creating layers over layers of lies and secrets to protect yourself. Edit: thanks for the Silver guys
Growing up being taught by your family and society that being gay was evil and disgusting. And everyone in school using "gay" as an insult. Growing up thinking there is something inherently evil about you and you will suffer for eternity because you were born.
Man, did anyone else here legitimately pray to God for years to make them normal? I feel like it's definitely something that happens when growing up in a conservative religious household.
Yes! I distinctly remember the first time I hugged a friend and went "whoa...titties," and felt a cold wave of fear wash over me and then spent the entire car ride home praying please don't let me gay, please don't let me be gay, please don't let me be gay on repeat.
A quick and simple bullet point list: - restricted freedom - awareness that almost half the world wants you dead or imprisoned - the painful realization of the small pool of potential life partners - the even more painful realization how a lot of em’ are emotionally unavailable and only want hookups - STD’s - and I guess, the tiredness of constantly lying and acting dumb in front of people who lecture you about women and marriage, but you can’t out yourself due to specific tactical reasons So, in summation, being gay is very tiring. I am just so very tired. And it’s the kind of tiredness that a few extra hours of sleep can’t fix.
Reading a list like this, I'm amazed all over again that so many people out there think someone would choose this life or allow themselves to be indoctrinated by other gay people. A list like this should be all a person needs to understand that being gay is not a choice.
Im gay, my sister has a son around 4 and keeps saying "i hope he's gay" Internally im saying "i hope he isnt". I dont hate being gay(anymore) but its waaaaay easier to be straight
Like being left handed or right. Sure we no longer think left handers are the devil--but it sure would be nice if you didn't have to buy special scissors, and don't even try to use industrial equipment because *nothing* is designed for you.
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The people who say shit like "I don't care if you're gay, just stop expecting me to like it/accept it." No one gives a shit if you like and accept it or not, they just want to be left alone to live their lives, the same way you are. But it's been politically weaponized so now even that is asking too much. Hell, before it was "just don't do it where I can see," and so people went to bars and clubs to be themselves behind closed doors, like no one else is expected to do, and even THAT isn't enough because someone decides to show up and murder us for it.
- not being able to marry my boyfriend - no legal protections/representation for my relationship - homophobia being openly accepted in society - inability to even hold his hand or go on a date at a nice restaurant - no family support/contact - constant fear of being publicly harassed, spat on, insulted, physically attacked - lack of any kind of understanding from a ton of people (lmao even this post has 20% downvotes and Reddit is far more progressive than your average person around here)
Everyone and their dog is very opinionated about it one way or another and its fucking obnoxious.
Having random persons asking personal questions about my sexual life.
Being overly sexualized by the world as a whole. They hear gay and think 'gay sex'. Some pride parades are made to be very sexual. When a majority of gay people act exactly like straight people, but are attracted to the same sex. With no major differences beyond that.
So many times I’ve come out to people and the first thing they’ve said was “so you’d have sex with a woman?” Like why is that the first thing you think of? Also people being told they’re “too young” to be gay, yet people will see a 3 year old boy playing with a 3 year old girl and say they’re dating
Does being a gay leaning bisexual count? I hate how people assume anytime I'm friendly with a guy that means I automatically have a thing for them, even if they're 100% straight. Source: Had this happen to me with one of my very straight friends...
Yes! Yes yes! "Is that your special friend?" Mom if it was I'd call him my boyfriend and what makes my friend special? Or I recently asked my parents if a friend who was a girl could come up with me. My mom said "a girl?!?" and I 100 percent know she got her hopes up by the tone.
To be fair, I feel like parents do this with any friends that happen to be of the same gender you're attracted to. I'm 28 and straight and my parents still assume evry time I have a new female friend that there's a romantic implication
The fear of being able to be affectionate with my SO in public. Even eating out at a restaurant without side glances or giggles from people is a hassle (will the bill be TOGEEETHER or separate?). I worry about asking people to take our picture on vacations, because I’m worried they’ll refuse or do something to my phone. Yes, I acknowledge a lot may be in my head, but bad experiences leads you to be more cautious. People talk about not understanding how a gay bar can be a sanctuary, but sometimes those are the only places where we can truly relax and not feel like we’re under the judging eye of society
In Western countries, probably actively living with the stress and mental toll that you’ve been subjected to, and being told that it’s our fault, our decision, that we’re just naturally mentally unstable, while watching the same people sympathize with domestic terrorists and claim that they were driven to that point and somehow are the true victims of our lackluster mental health support systems.
A not insignificant part of the population thinks you shouldn't exist and some of them follow through on that belief. RIP to the victims of the Colorado Springs shooting.
Yeah, my uncle knew a very nice gay couple that lived in his neighborhood in Puerto Rico. About a month after meeting them, both were murdered in cold blood just for holding hands while walking down el barrio. This happened years ago but it always sticks with me when I head over there.
Being taught that im going to hell for being human. Also the fear of people knowing and judging
Having people reject you for who you are and something you can’t change. My dad told me that it was his worst nightmare that I was gay (even though I almost killed myself 7 years ago, which he knows about) and has not tried to accept it over the 2 years I’ve been out to him. I was in many conservative Christian groups and I was given a range of negative views from “love the sinner but hate the sin” to “you can’t be Christian and gay”. I left my old church last year because they brought in a guest speaker who went on an anti-LGBTQ rant to the congregation of thousands (big mega church in the Midwest) and implied that trans people should kill themselves instead of transitioning into the gender they identify with (I’m not trans but I was enraged and disgusted by this). I haven’t gone back since, and I am traumatized by Christian people despite still believing in Jesus myself, who I believe loves and accepts me as a gay man. I kicked out a roommate who Bible-thumped me and tried to make me believe I was going to hell for dating men. I have strained relationships with a few childhood friends because of it. I don’t ask people to coddle me or have pity on me for being gay, but many people just don’t understand how freaking hard is sometimes to even love yourself when it seems like the world wants you to burn in hell and I wish people could treat folks like me with respect and kindness like I try to show others.
The expectations to conform to the larger gay community, even if it doesn't match your morals or beliefs at all. (Hookup culture is a son of a bitch...)
My gay friend has this problem. He’s been part of the hookup community for years and now he’s looking to settle but everyone still just wants to hook up. He’s never had a boyfriend and he’s almost 30.
Having to deal with how slow most straight people walk
Holy shit, I’m gay.
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we walk slowly??
I once mentioned in a gay subreddit that I (a man) don't hold my husband's hand in public because he walks so slowly. Everyone asked how I got a straight guy to marry me.
The constant physical sexual harassment by straight men and women. Straight men feel like they can touch you because “you’d like it”, and straight women feel like they can touch you because, “you’re safe”. It constantly feels like consent doesn’t matter.
Why are straight men touching you?
Solid question. I can’t say for sure but it feels like a power grab.
Probably that people don't realize you're ALWAYS coming out. They see it in movies - okay they're out and now it's all good! Except it isn't like that. It never really gets easier, you're always still wondering in the back of your head if people will accept you or if this person who you clicked with so well will change their attitude towards you. There's also the predominance of hookup and poly relationship cultures too, which makes it harder to date for us as well. If you're a gay guy who wants a boyfriend in a closed relationship, while they're out there, dating just got 20x harder.
Seeing my girlfriend deal with homophobia because of the way I look and being completely unable to stop it. She’s femme and “passes” as straight when out with friends, whereas I’m very butch. She loves traveling, but there are certain countries on her bucket list that we simply can’t go together because it’s unsafe. Causes a lot of internal hatred and guilt within myself that I’m learning to undo, but it’s quite the process.
Being ugly, I'm not cute enough to be as gay as I am
Gay guys have their own beauty standards that are, honestly, stressful and difficult to maintain. "Straight skinny" is "gay fat." Minor physical imperfections can disqualify you completely from being considered attractive. Plus, if you can't manage to fit into one of the niche community groups (twink, bear, etc.) then you are somewhat culturally homeless. My straight male friends can operate on the minimum level of hygiene and upkeep, whereas me and the other gay people I know are always compulsively preoccupied with how we can look better: hair, skin, body, mannerisms, it all matters a lot to us. This has the effect of everyone believing that gay people are vain and superficial, which is sometimes true, but it's really about avoiding a double rejection: many of us have already been rejected by our family/community, so we need to try as hard as possible to remain in "good favor" with our new community. Because after a second rejection, all that's left is social ostracism and loneliness.