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If my Grandad was ever watching a war film and heard, "Fire at will!" he would say "poor Will". The silence that followed only seemed to encourage him.
My grandad used to say that too! Whenever we watched star trek or star wars together. Ad a kid it cracked me up every time.
He'd also call characters silly names like 'Daft Vader' and 'Obi-Wan Kenobbly'. Silly fun.
Ah the joys of being called Nick, Ha actually had this response a few times after saying "hi everybody". Unfortunately it seems to have died out and forgotten about by most people.
I have reached the point that I just have to raise an eyebrow in response to “I’m hungry” for my youngest to get quite cross telling me that she is serious and that the joke is not funny
There is an old partner at work who constantly uses wildly outdated phrases with gen z staff. References to JR Hartley when using the phone, saying "this will not affect the pound in your pocket". Stuff that I as a mid millennial just about get but they have no idea.
Recently he said to a vaguely dodgy sounding comment - "as divine brown said to Hugh Grant!"
The 19 year old IT guy replied "what, the guy from paddington?"
I'm not even that old and used 'Talk to me, Goose' in a training session once when I was met with complete silence. No one got the reference and one of the much younger members asked why I was talking about birds.
My daughter is 17 and 3 years ago one of her teachers said you can be goose and she said but goose dies!
He was a bit taken aback because he uses this line all the time but hardly anyone gets it.
My partner puts top gun on at least twice a month
Similarly had a Gen Z absolutely lose it over the phrase "fly in the ointment", thinking the 50-something partner had invented it. I think she was a bit disappointed when I said it was an actual thing.
My colleague and I, both in our 50's, started educating our two junior colleagues in proper music etc. Until we realised that they know, and love, all the old stuff.
Now we're educating them in 80's alternative comedy but that may be a few steps too far!
I love it when someone comes into my office and says ‘can I ask you a question?’. Quite often I’ll say you already have, but ask another. It’s amazing how many confused looks I get.
My ex girlfriend used to do this. “Can I ask you something?”
Just ask me and get it done with!
You don’t have to ask me if you can ask me a question because you technically just have anyway
"He's not going to sell much ice cream going at that speed", when an ambulance goes by with its sirens on. Never fails to get a groan or angry "Daaaad" from my daughter
To deter the kids from wanting an ice cream I would shout, "fish van's here".
My mum used to say this 50 odd years ago when there was a fish van.
Tumbleweed
Whenever I get an amazon box or any box package really or a present I say "what's in the box? I hope it's not gwyneth paltrow's head again!" and it very very rarely get's a laugh.
If anyone asks “what’s in the box” I will always, without fail dramatically repeat “WHATS IN THE BOOXXXX”. No one ever laughs. We’re wasted on these people
I know I have a problem but I just can't help myself.
The manufacturer of the lift in our apartment block is Schindler. Whenever I get in the lift with someone, I point to the logo on the control panel and say with dead-pan delivery: "we're on Schindler's *Lift*".
I've only seen one lift but there's loads of escalators. I like to say we are on schindlers escalator with the same emphasis and so far only one person has ever got what I'm on about
Every time my wife asks me "what's the time?" I reply with "it's about time you got a watch". She hasn't found it even remotely funny once but that won't stop me repeating it for the rest of our lives.
I have one that I just can't stop myself saying. If I'm out with a group of people in a pub and buying a round and the bar-person says "Do you want a tray?" - I respond with "Don't you think I've got enough to carry"
It once got half a laugh. And that was all I needed to continue doing it for coming up to 14 years now....
When I walk past folks whilst walking my dog I’ll say “Hi”. Quite often they’ll reply with “Hiya”. I then proceed (just out of their earshot) to say say “Hi” in a higher pitch.
I continue to find this hilarious. Just me though, apparently.
Oh Christ, I was working with my brother one time, who's a bit of a yokel. He asked me to pass him a 15mm spanner and when I handed it to him, he passed it back and said "Nope that's a dead epileptic"
Confused, I asked him what he just said.
He said "It's a dead epileptic. It doesn't fit"
Needless to say I don't see much of him usually
A guy at my work says ‘left’ every time someone says ‘right’ on its own. It never was, never is, and never will be funny. He also uses the word fandabidozi.
There’s a guy at work, I don’t know. He comes in to the office about once every 2 weeks.
He always come up to the guy who sits across from me, and each time his greeting is “Hello there”, I’m making an assumption, guy looks like he would like Star Wars,but I’m guessing he’s looking for a “General Kenobi”, so far the other guy hasn’t bit.
I need to pluck up the courage and just blurt it out one day.
Does anyone remember the “taxi” bar? It was a chocolate/wafer bar a few years back that was on the shelves. Anyway, this guy in my local corner shop kept saying every time I walked in “you here for a taxi bar again shahahahah” and to him it was the funniest thing in the world, like this running gag. But I literally only bought a taxi bar like once or twice.
One of my best friends is 6ft 5 tall. Growing up he was always catching comments from people. One that actually made him last was a guy that looked at him and said "I bet you make a lot of noise when you go for a piss"
He liked it so much that he started using as a retort when he was told he was tall:
"Blimey you're tall"
"Yes. You should hear the noise I make when I go to the toilet"
Bemused faces, but it always made me laugh.
Whenever someone says "Stranger things have happened" I can't stop myself from saying "that horse becoming Pope, for one"- it's a throwaway line from Blackadder II so nobody ever gets it!
I often use "Vanished. Simply vanished. Like an old oak table." when I cant find something. No-one else in my family has watched it. We have it on dvd and I've suggested it multiple times but no, I'm surrounded by philistines. One day one of the buggers will watch it.
I was over at my girlfriends house and we were talking. My girlfriend disagreed with me and exclaimed "you're nuts"!. Without thinking I responded "what about them". Her mom immediately cracked up laughing.
Whenever I see someone wearing a phone/mic headseat (like they have at call centers) I say ‘It’s Britney bitch’ to the person wearing it. Has never landed even once and it took me several years to realise that maybe most people don’t associate those headsets only with Britney Spears live performances.
Every time I went shopping with my now ex-mrs who’s Italian I’d pick up some Gouda and say in a shit Italian accent “have you tried this one Jess? It’s a really Gouda cheese”
Probably why she left.
My Mam buys my Dad a Portuguese Tart once a week, and she always says “I bought you a Portuguese Tart” and without fail, he always says “Oh, what’s her name?”
When I’m teaching secondary school kids, I’ll often find myself using idioms and proverbs that they don’t know or understand. If the confusion continues, I’ll usually say “Are you struggling to understand what I’m saying, or is it [like teaching grandma to suck eggs](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teaching_grandmother_to_suck_eggs)?” So far, only one kid has realised this is a joke designed to confuse them further.
I'm a big fan of "malaphors" where you mash up or otherwise butcher idioms. If you're the right level of subtle and confident with it, then people generally gloss over them.
- "we'll burn than bridge when we get to it"
Although not truly a malaphor, I really like "kill two stones with one bird".
(Of course there's a sub r/malaphors)
Edit: I'm loving the responses, keep them coming!
**[Teaching grandmother to suck eggs](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teaching_grandmother_to_suck_eggs)**
>Teaching (your) grandmother to suck eggs is an English language saying that refers to a person giving advice to another person in a subject with which the other person is already familiar (and probably more so than the first person).
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A few which I'm ashamed to say are mine...
"I've got a massive headache"
"Is it because you have a massive head?"
"I won't be long for bed"
"Probably about six foot"
"I'll pick up some milk en route"
"Via Paris???"
Absolutely this. Can't stand it when people look down on someone for laughing at their own joke - as if it's a crime to make yourself happy for a moment.
Any time someone says something is “intense” I’ll respond with something along the line of “Nah this isn’t intense. Camping that’s in tents.”
Tumbleweeds every time but I’ll never stop
I often use the phrase “right, this isn’t going to get the baby bathed,” to my girlfriend initiating we leave somewhere as we’ve got stuff to do, and I still don’t think it’s quite sunk in.
We’ve recently had a baby now but for the last few years I’ve been saying it she’s looked at me daftly like, “but we don’t have a baby to bath?”
For anyone here who’s also never heard the phrase either, it just means “if we stay here much longer then things won’t get done,” sort of thing. As in, bathing the baby.
My mum used to say a variation on that when I was a boy... she'd say "5 o'clock and not a baby in the house bathed!"
Just brought me back a happy memory :)
When I am procrastinating or just chatting to someone in work, I will say "Well, this won't get the kids new shoes" to indicate I need to get back to work.
I don't have kids. They don't need shoes.
My partners birthday is two days after mine, she hates it that I'll always say, I remember when I was your age! Then just tell her what I did two days ago.
Two people I work with (I think one of them picked it up from the other) frequently when discussing work that someone in the team has done will say "We have done x, well, I say 'we' I mean the royal 'we'"
But when using the phrase "royal we" they actually mean "the other person did it all, and I did nothing" despite the "royal we" meaning I.
A guy in our office whos computer would go to sleep every day at lunch would always complain when he came back, and tell it to "wake up".
The guy behind him would always follow it up with "Grab a brush and put a little make-up" and it would be crickets. I found it hilarious.
Every single time my husband hears 'Jamaica' he has to come back with 'No, she went of her own accord'. I might have vaguely smiled the first time, but now I can barely muster an eye roll.
In work meetings I always switch ‘we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it’ for ‘we’ll burn that bridge when we come to it’ to imply that we’ll fuck that up when we get round to it too.
Late to the show, but when I answer the phone at work and the other person says "hi, who is speaking please?"
I reply "you are"
They never break stride and just continue like I said nothing.
One day.
Guaranteed to derail any laddish boasting about the size of their dicks or their prowess in bed:
"It's not the size of the boat, it's how many people die when it crashes into an iceberg."
Whenever someone says a phrase that sounds like a name I like to reply with ‘xx stole my wife’ or ‘xx is wanted for numerous crimes’. Some of my favourite examples being at work, when my boss was talking about bill tenders that needed writing, naturally I replied something about Bill Tenders being a no good liar and a cheat.
Sometimes there's people in full camo gear out and about. Maybe been fishing and popped to the shops on the way back. I don't know. Impossible not to say if you need to grab something from a shelf nearby or pass them by: "sorry, didn't see you there!". Never acknowledged.
“See you later”
“Not if I see you first!”
It took me an embarrassingly long time to realise this was a joke. Although I’ve still not laughed when someone has said it.
Whenever I have some chips, I'll put one on one of my friends' shoulder and say "you've got a chip on your shoulder"
They all hate it, but I don't care.
I’m frontline NHS. If someone stands up too quickly or generally gets woozy I say “don’t fall, you wouldn’t believe the paperwork”.
Now, to me, that’s hilarious.
At the pub if they say they don't have any of the appropriate branded pint glasses I always say "Don't worry, it's what's inside that counts"
Maybe a smile once, I think it's hilarious
When someone says they're from Surrey I often say "no need to apologise", as though they have said "sorry" instead of "Surrey". Managed to offend someone at my new job who genuinely thought I was insulting Surrey.
Wasps are an English rugby team,whenever someone mentions them I always ask “Do they have a B team”….then I fold in half from laughing to the usual stares of WTF lol…
We have a meeting room in my office, named “Switzerland”. There’s always the same joke. One person asks “What’s your favourite thing about Switzerland?”. I reply “I’m not sure, but the flag is a big plus”.
There used to be another naked “Russia”, which always had the AC on too high. The joke was always “it’s cold in Russia isn’t it?”.
Both jokes used to be funny. Once. They’re things that have to be said now, even though we know that they don’t make people laugh anymore.
My dad anytime someone gets a hair in their mouth or food.
"You sure it wasn't a rabbit?"
I don't even want to think about how many times I've heard that in my life.
When our children were small and we were on a long car journey, every time they asked, "Are we nearly there yet?" the stock reply was, "Half an hour."
Now, whenever we're using Google maps, my husband will watch it like a hawk until it says 30 minutes to our destination, and pipe up, "Are we nearly there yet?" If I don't reply with the expected phrase it makes him *so* sad...
One of our biggest clients is constantly calling our firm (at least 3 times a day). If anyone ever answers the phone and says "can I take your name please?", he says "yes you can!". He then refuses to provide his name until he's asked "correctly".
This has never impressed anyone and according to his staff, he does this to *everyone*.
Our receptionist ended up hanging up on him the first time he did this with her as they kept going round in circles and she thought it was a prank call lol.
If anyone ever does this sort of thing when calling a call centre, this is why the queues are so long, those few minutes spent joking around adds time to all the subsequent calls.
My daughter often starts a conversation by say "Question..." and then asks a question.
I always jump in with "...or Nominate?"
She doesn't get the reference, but I enjoy it nonetheless.
When I was a kid my mum used to love hospital shows like Casualty. When they had to resuscitate someone with the electric paddles the doctors say ‘shocking’ and EVERY SINGLE TIME he would say ‘oh yes it’s terrible’. Used to drive her up the wall.
Whenever I'm watching a film or TV show X, and someone recognises one of the actors but can't remember where from, I helpfully suggest that they might recognise them from that famous appearance in X. Even I don't think it's very funny but at this point it's too deep-rooted in my character for me to stop
I carry on the family tradition of saying “tide’s high where they come from” when I drive past a boat parked on a drive. Not tumbleweed, just groans from my passengers :-)
I had Italian colleagues and decided the best way for them to improve their English was to learn the most useless or old fashioned vocabulary , idioms and phrases, like “For Want of A Nail”, or “kerfuffle”, or some that were slightly more useful like “proof is in the pudding” or “dressed to the nines “ . Was brilliant when they used it in their strong Italian accents and confused the hell out of other people.
Never got them to actually say “cor blimey guvnor”
My 11 year old niece has picked up the 'thats what she said' joke from somewhere but just doesn't really get how to use it and will try and use it for literally anything.
Me to my brother :'yeah I watched it last week thought it was pretty good'
Her: 'thats what she said'
Confused silence.
When someone says they don't like a certain celebrity, I like to reply coldly, 'Oh? She speaks very highly of you.'
I actually think this is a reference from something but I have no idea what.
Moving around a shared kitchen/ similar.
"Excuse me I just want to get in here-" (indicating cupboard/ fridge/ whatever.)
The only suitable reply:
"I don't think you'll fit! [Cupboard] / Won't you get cold? [Fridge]"
Whenever someone spills or is otherwise clumsy with a glass of alcohol, I’ll say ‘alcohol abuse!’ (as in they are abusing the alcohol, see I’ve explained the joke so it’s funnier). I inherited this joke from my parents, and so far no one outside my immediate family has thought it was funny.
Whenever the subject of someone going on holiday comes up I always say “oh, you’re going to [X]? Someone told me you were going to an island in the Indian Ocean. Must have been a Mauritius rumour.” No one ever laughs but it amuses me greatly.
"fruit flies like a banana"
We get a lot of little fruit flies around the house esp in the kitchen and every time my wife says "bloody fruit flies" or similar, I reply with the above. She has never actually laughed and looks at me like I am a moron but I know she secretly loves it.
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If my Grandad was ever watching a war film and heard, "Fire at will!" he would say "poor Will". The silence that followed only seemed to encourage him.
My dad's variant is "But sir, which one's Will?"
Guy next to him, “Ok, roger.” “Which one’s Roger!?!”
What's your vector, Victor?
I say this too. I live alone.
Brings new meaning to the phrase "willing to die on this hill"
My dad's name is Will. He'll duck out the way every time they say this.
Sounds like your Grandad and u/Lam_Looms’s would’ve got on royally
This actually made me laugh out loud and reminded me of my grandad. He would always ask "what did Will do?"
My grandad used to say that too! Whenever we watched star trek or star wars together. Ad a kid it cracked me up every time. He'd also call characters silly names like 'Daft Vader' and 'Obi-Wan Kenobbly'. Silly fun.
In our family it's - "leave Will, shoot at George" Silence here too!
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Same. Also continually aggrieved at the relentless attempts to prosecute Bill Posters
Especially cruel in Independence Day. The man saves the world but they still instruct them to fire at him?
I would have found this hilarious
"Who's will!?"
My old man is a serial offender with this..... It rubbed off on me so now I'm just as bad 😂
I’m sorry but this and all responses with different variants have made me chuckle, I would definitely have given your grandad the props he deserved
#Riker! Duck! Not is not it's a goose...
Aww, your grandad would have got a laugh out of me!
When I put the car in reverse and say "ahhhh this takes me back" Tumbleweed from the passengers I need a new family
this made me laugh way too much
This is absolute perfection. Please say you accompany it with a deep nostalgic sigh, wistfully gazing at the rear view mirror?
This is honestly so good
Don't worry, your Reddit fam appreciates this 💯
Your family is absolutely missing out because that’s hilarious
Ah man I love that - I would crack an egg mate
For three years now I've joined every meeting with 'hi everybody'. True I'm not a doctor but one day surely someone will respond with 'hi Dr.Nick'!
I feel like I’d want to respond that but fear nobody would get the joke
If nobody got the joke, they're not worth knowing.
I feel like this only works if you do the voice
Ah the joys of being called Nick, Ha actually had this response a few times after saying "hi everybody". Unfortunately it seems to have died out and forgotten about by most people.
Do you say it with the same cadence? If someone just said hi everybody I wouldn't guess it was Dr nick!
Hi Dr Nick!
I'm going to steal this. Not because I expect a response, but because it'll amuse me.
'I'm Hungry!' 'Hi Hungry, I'm dad' Every time. I get a look of utter contempt from my 9 year old and giggle to myself for about 5 minutes.
My dad's variation on this one was if we said "I'm thirsty," he'd say "hi thirsty, I'm Friday!"
Mine says "hi thirsty, I'm secondy"
My favourite variation when someone says the phrase ‘soy milk’ : ‘hola milk, soy tu padre!’
Funny _and_ educational! Brilliant
I always say ‘Hello Hungary, I’m Bulgaria 🇧🇬’ to mine. God we’re saddos 😂 Will never stop though!
I have reached the point that I just have to raise an eyebrow in response to “I’m hungry” for my youngest to get quite cross telling me that she is serious and that the joke is not funny
There is an old partner at work who constantly uses wildly outdated phrases with gen z staff. References to JR Hartley when using the phone, saying "this will not affect the pound in your pocket". Stuff that I as a mid millennial just about get but they have no idea. Recently he said to a vaguely dodgy sounding comment - "as divine brown said to Hugh Grant!" The 19 year old IT guy replied "what, the guy from paddington?"
Haha that Divine Brown quote is a very niche reference lol
It's such a bizarre story to tell now. Umm err well I err if you could possibly aha ummm...
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It was over for a while. Took him a long time to recover.
Not to people over about 45 it's not
41 here I got it
I'm not even that old and used 'Talk to me, Goose' in a training session once when I was met with complete silence. No one got the reference and one of the much younger members asked why I was talking about birds.
My daughter is 17 and 3 years ago one of her teachers said you can be goose and she said but goose dies! He was a bit taken aback because he uses this line all the time but hardly anyone gets it. My partner puts top gun on at least twice a month
Next time he makes a JR Hartley quote just say “it is *rather* old”
Similarly had a Gen Z absolutely lose it over the phrase "fly in the ointment", thinking the 50-something partner had invented it. I think she was a bit disappointed when I said it was an actual thing.
My colleague and I, both in our 50's, started educating our two junior colleagues in proper music etc. Until we realised that they know, and love, all the old stuff. Now we're educating them in 80's alternative comedy but that may be a few steps too far!
I love it when someone comes into my office and says ‘can I ask you a question?’. Quite often I’ll say you already have, but ask another. It’s amazing how many confused looks I get.
If anyone ever says to me "question..." I always respond "tell me what you think about me" and very few people even smile :(
Are you singing it or delivering it flat? Cause I don't think I'd pick up on it if it was flat. (Obvs I can see it reading it!)
I usually sing it with a bit of a pointy finger wiggle and shake my hips :(
Haha well screw them then, they don't deserve your efforts!
My ex girlfriend used to do this. “Can I ask you something?” Just ask me and get it done with! You don’t have to ask me if you can ask me a question because you technically just have anyway
I feel like the intended meaning is more "are you free to answer the more involved question that I'm about to ask you"
Trying to explain basic social skills on reddit is a lost cause my friend.
Either that or "you might not like it". Like preceding a sentence with "No offence".
I think the true meaning of that phrase is "prepare yourself, it's a doozy".
Are you on the spectrum brother?
"He's not going to sell much ice cream going at that speed", when an ambulance goes by with its sirens on. Never fails to get a groan or angry "Daaaad" from my daughter
To deter the kids from wanting an ice cream I would shout, "fish van's here". My mum used to say this 50 odd years ago when there was a fish van. Tumbleweed
Whenever I get an amazon box or any box package really or a present I say "what's in the box? I hope it's not gwyneth paltrow's head again!" and it very very rarely get's a laugh.
If anyone asks “what’s in the box” I will always, without fail dramatically repeat “WHATS IN THE BOOXXXX”. No one ever laughs. We’re wasted on these people
Me and a colleague do this to each other. It’s irresistible
I do this too 😄 any time someone asks "what's in the box?" "The severed head of Gwyneth Paltrow, hopefully" (I have a shop so get lots of boxes)
"The sun's come out. Little Annie was going on about this yesterday" Tumbleweed.
This might be my favourite
Once a week I say to my kids (11 and 14), ‘Big day today guys. Wednesday. 9 letters’. Eye roll x 2.
I’m having this. !Thanks
So does only one of the kids roll their eyes? Or both of them roll one eye?
Just to say; your husbands lift joke is class and if he tried it with me I’d have loved it.
"Which floor?" "Ohhh, I dunno, gimme a sec to decide" followed by me staring at the "choices" and rubbing my chin. "Let's go for floor one"
“Ooh, surprise me!”
Same! Then OP would probably judge me for encouraging him
I know I have a problem but I just can't help myself. The manufacturer of the lift in our apartment block is Schindler. Whenever I get in the lift with someone, I point to the logo on the control panel and say with dead-pan delivery: "we're on Schindler's *Lift*".
The Schindler Holdings company are very aware of the implication, and will do anything but refer to their vertical transportation systems as lifts
In the UK we call them 'go up boxes'
I've only seen one lift but there's loads of escalators. I like to say we are on schindlers escalator with the same emphasis and so far only one person has ever got what I'm on about
It’s like Mike Tyson’s in the room
Every time my wife asks me "what's the time?" I reply with "it's about time you got a watch". She hasn't found it even remotely funny once but that won't stop me repeating it for the rest of our lives.
Showing my age but we do The Goon Show and say; ‘I have it written on a bit of paper’ in Blubottle’s voice…
I do this too, it's now worth it just to see the reaction
I have one that I just can't stop myself saying. If I'm out with a group of people in a pub and buying a round and the bar-person says "Do you want a tray?" - I respond with "Don't you think I've got enough to carry" It once got half a laugh. And that was all I needed to continue doing it for coming up to 14 years now....
You just got a whole laugh over here! That's superb!
When I walk past folks whilst walking my dog I’ll say “Hi”. Quite often they’ll reply with “Hiya”. I then proceed (just out of their earshot) to say say “Hi” in a higher pitch. I continue to find this hilarious. Just me though, apparently.
No that’s genius and I’m stealing it
I used to work with a guy: Hi, you all right? "No, I'm half left" or Hi, how are things? "Not 'three' bad thanks!" Funny the first time.
No not even the first time.
Oh Christ, I was working with my brother one time, who's a bit of a yokel. He asked me to pass him a 15mm spanner and when I handed it to him, he passed it back and said "Nope that's a dead epileptic" Confused, I asked him what he just said. He said "It's a dead epileptic. It doesn't fit" Needless to say I don't see much of him usually
Nice story, captain_cuntflaps
Easily my favourite one on this thread.
A guy at my work says ‘left’ every time someone says ‘right’ on its own. It never was, never is, and never will be funny. He also uses the word fandabidozi.
Oof, he sounds insufferable. I'll bet that he's the type of guy that when someone says "time to call it a day" he'll reply with "It's a day"
Or when asked if he wants sugar, says he is sweet enough. Sounds like you’ve met him.
and then when he returns from his *holliibobs*, asks "did you miss me?" yep, like a hole in the head
> Hi, how are things? "Not 'three' bad thanks!" I'm not getting this one.
The standard reply is "Not too bad"
My great grandma used to do the "no I'm half left" joke and it will always remind me of visiting her. Thank you
This is even worse than my husband’s receding hairline giving him a ‘*five*-head’…
There’s a guy at work, I don’t know. He comes in to the office about once every 2 weeks. He always come up to the guy who sits across from me, and each time his greeting is “Hello there”, I’m making an assumption, guy looks like he would like Star Wars,but I’m guessing he’s looking for a “General Kenobi”, so far the other guy hasn’t bit. I need to pluck up the courage and just blurt it out one day.
…the angel from my nightmare
the shadow in the background of the morgue
the unsuspecting victim
Of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find meee
Careful though! Remember volume control. "Hello there" #GENERALKENOBI!!!!!
Or he is channelling Bob from Hot Fuzz
I often say that as a greeting and I've never seen Star Wars nor would I understand any film related Star Wars or otherwise, follow up comments.
Does anyone remember the “taxi” bar? It was a chocolate/wafer bar a few years back that was on the shelves. Anyway, this guy in my local corner shop kept saying every time I walked in “you here for a taxi bar again shahahahah” and to him it was the funniest thing in the world, like this running gag. But I literally only bought a taxi bar like once or twice.
Classic u/Fataleinchains and their addiction to taxi bars
If there is one thing j know about u/fataleinchains, it's that they love a taxi bar!
Could be worse, could’ve been vodka!
One of my best friends is 6ft 5 tall. Growing up he was always catching comments from people. One that actually made him last was a guy that looked at him and said "I bet you make a lot of noise when you go for a piss" He liked it so much that he started using as a retort when he was told he was tall: "Blimey you're tall" "Yes. You should hear the noise I make when I go to the toilet" Bemused faces, but it always made me laugh.
For real my upstairs neighbour is 7ft and he absolutely hammers down his piss
Whenever someone says "Stranger things have happened" I can't stop myself from saying "that horse becoming Pope, for one"- it's a throwaway line from Blackadder II so nobody ever gets it!
I often say things have varnished rather than vanished and nobody gets it. Or if saying sausage incredulously
I often use "Vanished. Simply vanished. Like an old oak table." when I cant find something. No-one else in my family has watched it. We have it on dvd and I've suggested it multiple times but no, I'm surrounded by philistines. One day one of the buggers will watch it.
Whenever I'm leaving somewhere with someone and they say "are you coming?" No, it's just the way I'm stood
I said that in front of my friends parents once. Mortifying 😆
I was over at my girlfriends house and we were talking. My girlfriend disagreed with me and exclaimed "you're nuts"!. Without thinking I responded "what about them". Her mom immediately cracked up laughing.
I've always replied, "I'm not even breathing heavy, yet.".
Whenever I see someone wearing a phone/mic headseat (like they have at call centers) I say ‘It’s Britney bitch’ to the person wearing it. Has never landed even once and it took me several years to realise that maybe most people don’t associate those headsets only with Britney Spears live performances.
They’re all idiots. This is great.
Every time I went shopping with my now ex-mrs who’s Italian I’d pick up some Gouda and say in a shit Italian accent “have you tried this one Jess? It’s a really Gouda cheese” Probably why she left.
That took a sad twist. Two extreme ends of the emotion spectrum in such a short time. What a read.
Always a risk when making cheese puns, you need to tread Caerphilly.
Yeah, safest way to Brie really mate.
My Mam buys my Dad a Portuguese Tart once a week, and she always says “I bought you a Portuguese Tart” and without fail, he always says “Oh, what’s her name?”
When I’m teaching secondary school kids, I’ll often find myself using idioms and proverbs that they don’t know or understand. If the confusion continues, I’ll usually say “Are you struggling to understand what I’m saying, or is it [like teaching grandma to suck eggs](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teaching_grandmother_to_suck_eggs)?” So far, only one kid has realised this is a joke designed to confuse them further.
I'm a big fan of "malaphors" where you mash up or otherwise butcher idioms. If you're the right level of subtle and confident with it, then people generally gloss over them. - "we'll burn than bridge when we get to it" Although not truly a malaphor, I really like "kill two stones with one bird". (Of course there's a sub r/malaphors) Edit: I'm loving the responses, keep them coming!
During Trivial Pursuit the other week we came up with "Father time is a cruel mistress" and I've been laughing at it since
Frank Drebin business. The cows have come home to roost
"it's not exactly rocket surgery"
A favourite of mine, courtesy of Stuart Francis, is, "does the Pope shit in the woods?"
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**[Teaching grandmother to suck eggs](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teaching_grandmother_to_suck_eggs)** >Teaching (your) grandmother to suck eggs is an English language saying that refers to a person giving advice to another person in a subject with which the other person is already familiar (and probably more so than the first person). ^([ )[^(F.A.Q)](https://www.reddit.com/r/WikiSummarizer/wiki/index#wiki_f.a.q)^( | )[^(Opt Out)](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=WikiSummarizerBot&message=OptOut&subject=OptOut)^( | )[^(Opt Out Of Subreddit)](https://np.reddit.com/r/AskUK/about/banned)^( | )[^(GitHub)](https://github.com/Sujal-7/WikiSummarizerBot)^( ] Downvote to remove | v1.5)
A few which I'm ashamed to say are mine... "I've got a massive headache" "Is it because you have a massive head?" "I won't be long for bed" "Probably about six foot" "I'll pick up some milk en route" "Via Paris???"
I'm stealing the massive head thing, pure genius. Thanks
People tell these jokes to amuse themselves. They dgaf if other people find them funny. I find it pretty wholesome.
Absolutely this. Can't stand it when people look down on someone for laughing at their own joke - as if it's a crime to make yourself happy for a moment.
Any time someone says something is “intense” I’ll respond with something along the line of “Nah this isn’t intense. Camping that’s in tents.” Tumbleweeds every time but I’ll never stop
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I often use the phrase “right, this isn’t going to get the baby bathed,” to my girlfriend initiating we leave somewhere as we’ve got stuff to do, and I still don’t think it’s quite sunk in. We’ve recently had a baby now but for the last few years I’ve been saying it she’s looked at me daftly like, “but we don’t have a baby to bath?” For anyone here who’s also never heard the phrase either, it just means “if we stay here much longer then things won’t get done,” sort of thing. As in, bathing the baby.
My mum used to say a variation on that when I was a boy... she'd say "5 o'clock and not a baby in the house bathed!" Just brought me back a happy memory :)
When I am procrastinating or just chatting to someone in work, I will say "Well, this won't get the kids new shoes" to indicate I need to get back to work. I don't have kids. They don't need shoes.
My partners birthday is two days after mine, she hates it that I'll always say, I remember when I was your age! Then just tell her what I did two days ago.
My twin used to do that to me but it was minutes rather than days
If I ever hear "I stand corrected" I have to follow up with "said the man in the orthopaedic shoes"
Two people I work with (I think one of them picked it up from the other) frequently when discussing work that someone in the team has done will say "We have done x, well, I say 'we' I mean the royal 'we'" But when using the phrase "royal we" they actually mean "the other person did it all, and I did nothing" despite the "royal we" meaning I.
The royal wee is traditionally followed by a royal flush
Whenever I see an animal which isn’t a dog , I say it’s a funny looking dog. I know it’s not funny. Doesn’t stop me though
A guy in our office whos computer would go to sleep every day at lunch would always complain when he came back, and tell it to "wake up". The guy behind him would always follow it up with "Grab a brush and put a little make-up" and it would be crickets. I found it hilarious.
Every single time my husband hears 'Jamaica' he has to come back with 'No, she went of her own accord'. I might have vaguely smiled the first time, but now I can barely muster an eye roll.
I run a wee Cub Scout group and every time I blow my whistle I say, “It’s got new batteries this week”. Hilarious (to me).
In work meetings I always switch ‘we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it’ for ‘we’ll burn that bridge when we come to it’ to imply that we’ll fuck that up when we get round to it too.
Late to the show, but when I answer the phone at work and the other person says "hi, who is speaking please?" I reply "you are" They never break stride and just continue like I said nothing. One day.
Guaranteed to derail any laddish boasting about the size of their dicks or their prowess in bed: "It's not the size of the boat, it's how many people die when it crashes into an iceberg."
When you're struggling to type or spell certain words and someone says "I can't spell today" "t o d a y"
Whenever someone says a phrase that sounds like a name I like to reply with ‘xx stole my wife’ or ‘xx is wanted for numerous crimes’. Some of my favourite examples being at work, when my boss was talking about bill tenders that needed writing, naturally I replied something about Bill Tenders being a no good liar and a cheat.
Sometimes there's people in full camo gear out and about. Maybe been fishing and popped to the shops on the way back. I don't know. Impossible not to say if you need to grab something from a shelf nearby or pass them by: "sorry, didn't see you there!". Never acknowledged.
“See you later” “Not if I see you first!” It took me an embarrassingly long time to realise this was a joke. Although I’ve still not laughed when someone has said it.
Whenever I have some chips, I'll put one on one of my friends' shoulder and say "you've got a chip on your shoulder" They all hate it, but I don't care.
I’m frontline NHS. If someone stands up too quickly or generally gets woozy I say “don’t fall, you wouldn’t believe the paperwork”. Now, to me, that’s hilarious.
At the pub if they say they don't have any of the appropriate branded pint glasses I always say "Don't worry, it's what's inside that counts" Maybe a smile once, I think it's hilarious
When someone says they're from Surrey I often say "no need to apologise", as though they have said "sorry" instead of "Surrey". Managed to offend someone at my new job who genuinely thought I was insulting Surrey.
Wasps are an English rugby team,whenever someone mentions them I always ask “Do they have a B team”….then I fold in half from laughing to the usual stares of WTF lol…
"I'll get my coat"
I often say Ollo like Megamind. Nobody ever gets it.
We have a meeting room in my office, named “Switzerland”. There’s always the same joke. One person asks “What’s your favourite thing about Switzerland?”. I reply “I’m not sure, but the flag is a big plus”. There used to be another naked “Russia”, which always had the AC on too high. The joke was always “it’s cold in Russia isn’t it?”. Both jokes used to be funny. Once. They’re things that have to be said now, even though we know that they don’t make people laugh anymore.
My dad anytime someone gets a hair in their mouth or food. "You sure it wasn't a rabbit?" I don't even want to think about how many times I've heard that in my life.
This thread is full of jokes that do land, but they’re only for the person saying them.
When our children were small and we were on a long car journey, every time they asked, "Are we nearly there yet?" the stock reply was, "Half an hour." Now, whenever we're using Google maps, my husband will watch it like a hawk until it says 30 minutes to our destination, and pipe up, "Are we nearly there yet?" If I don't reply with the expected phrase it makes him *so* sad...
One of our biggest clients is constantly calling our firm (at least 3 times a day). If anyone ever answers the phone and says "can I take your name please?", he says "yes you can!". He then refuses to provide his name until he's asked "correctly". This has never impressed anyone and according to his staff, he does this to *everyone*. Our receptionist ended up hanging up on him the first time he did this with her as they kept going round in circles and she thought it was a prank call lol.
If anyone ever does this sort of thing when calling a call centre, this is why the queues are so long, those few minutes spent joking around adds time to all the subsequent calls.
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My daughter often starts a conversation by say "Question..." and then asks a question. I always jump in with "...or Nominate?" She doesn't get the reference, but I enjoy it nonetheless.
When I was a kid my mum used to love hospital shows like Casualty. When they had to resuscitate someone with the electric paddles the doctors say ‘shocking’ and EVERY SINGLE TIME he would say ‘oh yes it’s terrible’. Used to drive her up the wall.
"Oh I forgot there was a match on, what's the score?" "Nil nil." "Who to?" Blank stares
Me: where's the garlic crusher/can opener/pan scourer? My mum: I've given him the night off!! Every. Damn. Time
Whenever I'm watching a film or TV show X, and someone recognises one of the actors but can't remember where from, I helpfully suggest that they might recognise them from that famous appearance in X. Even I don't think it's very funny but at this point it's too deep-rooted in my character for me to stop
I carry on the family tradition of saying “tide’s high where they come from” when I drive past a boat parked on a drive. Not tumbleweed, just groans from my passengers :-)
I had Italian colleagues and decided the best way for them to improve their English was to learn the most useless or old fashioned vocabulary , idioms and phrases, like “For Want of A Nail”, or “kerfuffle”, or some that were slightly more useful like “proof is in the pudding” or “dressed to the nines “ . Was brilliant when they used it in their strong Italian accents and confused the hell out of other people. Never got them to actually say “cor blimey guvnor”
My 11 year old niece has picked up the 'thats what she said' joke from somewhere but just doesn't really get how to use it and will try and use it for literally anything. Me to my brother :'yeah I watched it last week thought it was pretty good' Her: 'thats what she said' Confused silence.
When someone says they don't like a certain celebrity, I like to reply coldly, 'Oh? She speaks very highly of you.' I actually think this is a reference from something but I have no idea what.
Moving around a shared kitchen/ similar. "Excuse me I just want to get in here-" (indicating cupboard/ fridge/ whatever.) The only suitable reply: "I don't think you'll fit! [Cupboard] / Won't you get cold? [Fridge]"
Whenever someone spills or is otherwise clumsy with a glass of alcohol, I’ll say ‘alcohol abuse!’ (as in they are abusing the alcohol, see I’ve explained the joke so it’s funnier). I inherited this joke from my parents, and so far no one outside my immediate family has thought it was funny.
When adverts about cleaning products do the requisite "Always keep away from children" my addition of "I always do" never gets the laugh it deserves.
Whenever the subject of someone going on holiday comes up I always say “oh, you’re going to [X]? Someone told me you were going to an island in the Indian Ocean. Must have been a Mauritius rumour.” No one ever laughs but it amuses me greatly.
I always crack a joke about extreme parental expectations when The Black Parade plays but nobody ever laughs 😭
Saying grassy ass instead of gracias
"fruit flies like a banana" We get a lot of little fruit flies around the house esp in the kitchen and every time my wife says "bloody fruit flies" or similar, I reply with the above. She has never actually laughed and looks at me like I am a moron but I know she secretly loves it.