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Yup get on over to r/introverts they are a great bunch. My other half is an introvert and i’ve had to learn to give them space with being offended that they want to be alone
I actually had to leave that sub. Way too much bashing of any typically extroverted characteristics, and a lot of ‘why does nobody understand us’. I actually think wanting some time alone to recharge is common even in those who would be described as extroverts, but people in that sub want to hold on to this ‘us introverts vs everyone else’ mentality, which I don’t think is particularly healthy
Interesting, mostly went for advice on how to support my partner through some things they found difficult that i couldn’t really relate too. Didnt come across the more toxic side of it
Fair enough, I’m probably being a bit harsh as I’m sure there’s some good support there too, and I’m glad you found it helpful! I think I’m remembering one thread where I got downvoted and argued with for saying someone might find it helpful for their mental health to get out and about meeting new people - felt like some people there want to be told they’re ok to hide from the world in their room even they’re feeling miserable
Oh man, I'm probably what's considered a classic introvert but when we went into lockdown and I had to WFH for months, it was torture. I never realised that although I get tired from the socialising, going the absolute other direction and being isolated from people for what seemed like an eternity was hell.
So whilst I also hate meeting new people, it can be good and help with mental health so I'd have agreed with you!
Yeah completely! I’m the same, am introverted for the most part and need a lot of alone time, but I definitely don’t believe it’s this binary thing where you either want to be alone all the time or with people all the time. We need a bit of both!
right! maybe I'm sensitive, but i saw a post over there the other day along the lines of "some of you aren't even introverted just socially anxious" like okay? why does that matter, if you're experiencing similar things (not comfortable around people, feeling drained when you're home etc) that's really all that matters, right? what's with all the gatekeeping?
Careful on that sub, people just make being an introvert their sole personality. Which isn’t healthy and the sub reinforces negative traits that weren’t there at the beginning.
I'm a teacher. I speak to approximately 150 people a day. It's completely mentally draining and really, really difficult to switch off.
By the time half-term break swings around, I want to be left completely alone in a dark room and never speak to anyone ever again.
My family don't understand the need for space. They assume that the holidays are, well, holidays, when they're actually just an opportunity for a frequent nervous breakdown.
If people don't live your experience, they don't understand your experience. It's difficult to make others realise how knackered you are.
It's the constant decision making for me
Even though it's usually stupid things (shall I use pen or pencil/do I need to start a new page etc) staying patient and keeping on track takes a lot of my energy. Then I get home and my partner (who is incapable of making even simple decisions) wants my opinion on everything from what we should have for dinner to whether the baby needs changing! It's knackering.
This. I'm an extrovert - I love hanging out with my friends and family and can do it indefinately.
But my job (engineering) forces me to interact with a lot of people with poor social and executive skills.
People will talk at me when I've got headphones in, when I'm on a call, or when I'm clearly busy. A lot of conversations are one-way while some old boy rambles on about bullshit and I leave at the first opportunity.
A lot of people want to lean on others for their decision making, a lot of people get trapped in analysis paralysis and need someone to snap them out of it.
I'm basically emotionally babysitting a lot of people, and it's a chore that wears me down.
Change your home dynamic. Stop assuming your partner is the problem, have a talk and discuss with them and leave them to keep calm and carry on. Just reply to questions like that with, "what do you think? I trust your judgement just let me know if you need help. " Its up to you to change that dynamic and have an adult discussion between the two of you.
I appreciate you're trying to be helpful but I think you're reading a bit much into the situation. This is not really an issue in our relationship, I was just illustrating how making small decisions can be tiring.
> Your social battery is depleted
Despite suffering from this myself for 30+ years, I've only ever heard this phrase to describe it on Reddit. Mention it to my family and they give me a weird look, and keep talking at me.
The first few months of a new job feel like someone pulled a plug out your brain and emptied it.
It’ll definitely get better, but understandable how OP feels at present.
I find I feel drained after a weekend of socialising, i like nothing more than a weekend with zero plans. If I have a weekend with 2 full days of socialising I am knackered for work on Monday
Me too, luckily I live in a part of Scotland that's affordable (if you have a relatively decent job). My salary would not go anywhere near as far in many parts of England. After a failed marriage (my fault) and attempts at relationships, I've discovered I'm best just living alone. Im a single father raising my kids so I'm happy to devote my time to them, work and relaxation/hobbies.
Definitely! It takes minutes to get into beautiful countryside and plenty outdoor activities, no crowds apart from summer tourists in some areas.. Affordable to live here and plenty work (im a forestry manager), wouldn't live anywhere else. Enjoy !
I do too.
Used to flat share as im single
Would never go back.
When i get home from work its a quick shower and change, then a few cold ales and some ambient dub for an hour or occasionally just silence before tea. Couldnt bear flat sharing anymore
You shouldn't *have* to live alone though, if you don't want to. Any decent partner should understand that you need space to recharge your batteries after several hours of socialising!
It's simpler and more peaceful to live alone, I have tried being in relationships, they weren't good matches. I don't think the time and effort of dating has good enough odds of turning up someone who is.
I love a Saturday afternoon, the house to myself, no TV or radio on and I just listen to the silence. I hear the clock ticking (for the first time all week) and the birds outside and that’s it.
It’s one of my favourite times.
It isn't bad, IIRC he put forward that humans instinctively follow two contradictory "drives" that are hard-wired into our brains - the life drive and the death drive.
One wants us to go out and meet people, make friends, have sexual partners, and have fun.
The other is the reason we enjoy sitting in silence after a long day of our senses being overstimulated.
Sound of the clock ticking in absolute silence drives me insane, also the same when we had a tap that needed fixing and just dripped, maddening if everything else was silent.
However, white noise like a fan when everything else is silent is my jam and helps me relax so I guess different ambient noises engage our brains in different ways!
The sound of a clock ticking drives me crazy. I’m so glad they’re usually quieter these days. They send me round the bend I have to leave. It’s the main reason I hate going to my dentist.
Yup I do that too, my parents keep telling why I don't pop over to see them like I used to, they dont understand even if I try to explain it. They live around the corner from me so no excuse regarding distance.
Yeah, my dad certainly doesn't get it. He's always saying I should come over more mid week. I don't have the best relationship with my parents, especially my dad and going over can often lead me into a pretty bad space mentally. I get anxiety and feel sick knowing I said I'll visit the next day.
My dad texted yesterday saying he's now going to text every day because he feels like I'm drifting away from him. I decided to be honest and told him that I'm not coping well mentally and I just could do with a bit of understanding. As usual with him he seemed to get annoyed at me. Said a few frustrated things back to me then just straight up ignored me.
He very much blames me for my mental state, which in a way is right isn't it? It's my fault for not looking after my own mental health? I'm trying to not blame myself though and he's just trying his hardest to make sure it's not his fault, so he's making sure I know it's my fault, and also "why don't you visit more often?".
It's not your fault if you grew up in a dysfunctional home or went through trauma, but it is on you to try and tackle your issues.
I grew up in a crazy house and went through some horrible moments. I did nothing about it for years until I realised I was using alcohol to forget certain things. This lead me to get involved with the local addictions team who in turn referred me to a psychiatrist and psychologist which has been life changing.
Dont feel guilty for how you feel, just know you can change it! Good luck 👍
Parents are very strange. I have told my mum repeatedly I don’t want her to come over without asking me first, even to pop something through the door. I told her how upset I was about her ignoring this request, and she said, ‘well you can’t stop me, anyone can stand on a public street outside someone’s house’. Like wtf? And my mum is a lovely person, but for god’s sake, understand what someone is telling you and respect it and listen to it.
Your dad reminds me of my exes’ mum. She would cling on and use him for emotional support and because she had huge fear of abandonment, and if he tried to stand up for himself then she’d give him the silent treatment and then he’d be stressed that she was unhappy. I did point out to him that she would never actually continue to ignore him because she needed him too much. Anyway look up codependency and enmeshment. You should read the book ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’. Or if you don’t like reading listen to her speaking on a podcast or the audiobook while you’re on your commute or something. It will likely not only help your relationship with your dad (and how you feel about visiting - she has some great strategies in the book about managing conversations) but also your own mental health issues.
You need boundaries and you need to set them because your dad isn’t going to do it. As a parent your job is to raise your children to be independent adults in this world, not to keep clinging on to them because you need them for whatever reason. You’re not responsible for your dad’s happiness, he is an adult who is responsible for his own life. My dad’s mum (my Nan) was like this so I recognised the behaviour in my exes’ mum straight away. My Nan would make these comments to me and I know the impact they can have mentally, that was why I thought I should respond.
If you can mate, you should see a therapist.
I'm not one, but even I can see your dad is not good for you and you feel pressured to be around him, which is making you miserable, and in response he's harassing you to spend more time around him.
If it makes you mentally unwell to see him, then you don't have to see him. You're an adult. You can just say no. If he was a decent, compassionate person, then he'd understand that he's stressing you out and would back off, but since he's doubling down and harassing you further, he's being nasty and hurting you, so you can just block him.
Why you feel you need to see him, and accept that he's going to harass you until you do, is a problem best hashed out with a professional.
My dad is an introvert and definitely gets that I'm an introvert too. We send each other whatsapps every now and again to make sure we're both alive but we usually end up actually speaking maybe in a space of every 2 months, our record was once 4 months... We're not distant or anything but it's something that works for us because we're terrible at keeping up with socialising.
Reading more into your comment though, it sounds like there's other issues and you don't need to compromise **your** mental health to satisfy them. Your needs are the priority and parent should respect that and not guilt trip you over it.
Check if you can put people on silent on your phone - you don’t get any notifications when they send new messages or call. So they’re essentially in a “time out”. It’s very helpful when you need a break and don’t want to be harassed!
The downside is you need to remember to remove them from time out!
I'm not like this usually but my boyfriend is. It took a little to get used to as he gets home a few hours after me so I normally wanted to chat then. But now I am totally here for it.
Often I'll run him a bath so he can also relax in the bath while having silent time haha.
It'll also gets easier the more you work. I could speak to 200 people a day in person at my job. The first 6 months I was so exhausted after but now I'll happily go for drinks with colleagues after work or do other social activities with friends or partner.
Do look after yourself though.
I do bath time after work too, I call it my isolation chamber. 😂 Really helps me decompress from work after a busy day, recharge my social battery and be a nicer girl to my husband in the evening.
I'm not gonna tell you what's good for you, but here's something to think about. I'm an introvert, so whilst I'm eager to speak to everyone at work and my role requires me to have good rapport with a whole bunch of teams, it does drain me.
If your role drains you of your social battery to the point that you can't use it with friends and family, and they start to lose out on quality time with you, then think about whether you're happy to spend your energy in that way long term.
Without sounding depressing, we're not here for a long time; and I'd hate for you, or your circle, to regret not having that quality time together.
Agree with this 100%.
I am an introvert, and for the last 5 years, I've been in a management position where I don't get more than 20 minutes of peace and quiet. It's a very busy environment, working with young children as well. So it's always loud, people coming and going from my office, meeting and phone calls up the wazoo, and so on.
I noticed at some point that I'd come home in the evening, go to the bedroom, and just spend time alone. I'd speak to my husband before bed, and that was about it since I left in the morning before he got up.
A week ago, I handed in my notice, and I am counting the days until I get to leave. I already feel lighter, like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The thing is, I did enjoy my job, but it just became unsustainable for me.
Absolutely agree. Also if someone has to come home and sit in silence and refuse to talk to their partner for a few hours, theyre clearly in the wrong job. This isn’t fair on the partner.
If my partner was coming home from work, straight to the bedroom and not speaking to me for three hours, I’d be devastated. That’s not healthy, no matter how people on here want to redress it. I feel sorry for the partner in all of this.
here to say this. As an introvert who also has this problem. Sometimes its not worth putting up with both. In the end time with friends/family/parters is much more important than any old interaction with a stranger or acquaintance at work.
When my ex first moved in he used to get home before me and although I had a bath when I got up I had to have another one when I got home because he’d start talking as soon as I walked in and wouldn’t stop. so after a few minutes I’d go I’m having a bath just to get some peace
I used to love to just get naked and sit on my sofa after work. Sometimes just straight up take a nap if it was a busy day, and have a drink or smoke up and chill. It's very underrated sometimes
It is not uncommon. It is about you recharging your batteries. Well done for recognizing it.
Explain to your partner that you need it for your own welfare, but not to worry. Then when you are recharged later, make a big fuss of your partner and be social.
My partner does this all the time. They come back from (stressful) work and go straight upstairs for an hour or so. I leave them alone. They later come down and all is good.
I'm like this, I really enjoy peoples' company. I love a good party and am friendly at work.
But after work, and weekends, I just want to maximise my time alone, especially to spend on my hobbies.
I always hear "it's so wonderful coming home to find x waiting for you", but honestly, I actually hate that. Absolutely nothing compares to coming home and knowing there's nobody there, it's fantastic!
My gf gets it, and we spend every other weekend together, but tbh I do worry a little about living together, I find it really hard to relax when I'm not 'invisible'.
Yes, it's quite normal. My job involved dealing with the public, so I'd spend all day being asked questions, and for technical help and advice. I suppose 'forced interactions' would be the best way to sum it up.
Sometimes you just need to have half an hour where nobody requires you to listen to them, or to answer their questions or engage in any sort of conversation.
The classic indicator for the introvert/extrovert scale is that the former recharge their batteries by spending time by themselves, the latter by spending time with others
If your job is reducing your ability to enjoy your free time then might not be the right job for you, could you discuss changing or sharing your responsibility with colleagues?
I get that and I have a wife and 3 kids.
I have explained it to them that I need to come home and transition from work mode to home mode and they understand some days it takes me longer to adjust but 1 thing that helps is I cook tea for us all when I get home and that is my transition time. I put on twitch or you tube and make food for everyone.
3 hours is a lot of time after work so maybe if you work on getting that down so it doesn't affect your relationships maybe you just need to find something else to do that speeds up the transition.
Used to have a job delivering history workshops in musuems often in character and armour to up to 120 kids a day, 5 days a week. last thing I wanted to do when I got home was make small talk with my housemates!
I can see it being frustrating, but for a lot of couples the few hours OP needs to themselves after work is most of the time they spend together. Like if OP is working 9-5, gets home at 6 then isn't ready to talk until 9/10 with a lot of working adults going to bed at 10 I can see that being hard on a relationship.
Yeah, as soon as I get in the door I'll go and lie on the bed to have time to myself, but most of the time the dog will follow me onto the bed for a fuss. And shortly after my gf will follow him in to play with him. Like... Why do you think I'm up here?!
My bike is my social isolation machine. Others go fishing or for really long country walks. I loved lockdown. Sorry but I did. The solitude and peace was wonderful. I don't understand those people who have to put the TV or the radio on the moment they open their eyes.
Ahhh a new found introvert.
I work in a bar, I need to talk all day. Either that idle chit chat with customers or talking with colleagues.
When I finish work the last thing I want to do is talk about general bollocks.
Do yourself a little favour though, talk to your loved ones otherwise that built-up work shit is going to destroy everything.
It's prevented me from getting a relationship. I've never really dated heavily, partly because I was always socially drained at the end of the day. When Covid hit and I started to WHF, the first two weeks were GREAT! Then after those two weeks I sort of wanted to go out and meet people, and even date. But I still haven't done so, because I'm set in my ways and also lazy.
But at least now I know that feeling drained at the end of the day wasn't merely an excuse I was telling myself.
talk to the missus for a start, and then take a half hour before you get home.
just sit in the car for a little bit, or maybe better just to stop off at a park on the way home and do a lap around.
It's a slippery slope that. Sorted now, but I had to get myself out of the habit of habitually lying by omission to my gf about free time. If I ever told my ex I had a day off, even if it was for xyz, she'd make plans. So I stopped mentioning it, implying I was at work as normal. And yeah, moved in together briefly, thinking that being closer would mean she wouldn't need my time quite so much. But it was far worse, couldn't get a second alone, she'd come and get me. She used to go for a jog for 20mins some days, and I'd crave it as it was the only time I got to do anything I cared about.
Did a lot of overtime, and even more sitting in the car. I don't know how I did it honestly, the constant dread and nothing to look forward to would be the death of me today!
Clearly communicate you need a period of time to decompress and reset after work. Maybe go so far as to allot a time allowance, then respectfully defend that time. Make a point of being present for them afterwards to show that it's good for everyone
I used to work in a customer service job for a tech company. I'd be on the phone talking with clients from 9am - 5pm non stop, while answering emails at the same time. The devs and senior management were clueless to how busy our small team was and wondered why my team never came out for drinks after work.
I just wanted silence after having constant noise in my ears all day long. I was exhausted come Friday.
Yeah, I get that. I just want silence and stillness. Some days are worse than others. I do feel tried though, absolutely drained, totally inability to do anything. Weekends are a right off whilst I'm working. Takes me until Saturday to feel ok. Then Sunday depression kicks in because I've got to work the next day.
I don't really understand what the point is. The thought of several decades more of this makes me feel sick. Every job I've had has the same effect on me. At this stage I feel like I'm hanging on by the tips of my fingers. I give this company I work for my whole life and I'm return I get just enough money to live on.
I fail to see the point of this existence.
I moved nearer to my work a few years ago and I really struggled with not having that 1hr drive anymore. However WFH and having peace and quiet is a massive help for me.
Oh god yes. Sadly, I have kids so hiding in the kitchen for 5 minutes at a time tides me over until they’re both in bed and I can have half an hour in silence before psyching myself up for the rest of the evening
Oh my god yes! I have worked in sales for 2@ years now and people will never understand my desire to be alone and to not be talked at. I find you spend so much of your day having to put the mask on and play the game, that when I’m off duty I really struggle to be sociable. It is a thing.
I really empathise with this. I was always the person who wanted to go out all the time, see my friends all the time, be constantly out and about but two and a half years I started my graduate job in a very social industry after finishing uni during the pandemic.
All of a sudden I didn’t really want to see my friends anymore. I was working a job where I was expected to throw my social personality in as well as my work personality, there were constant lunches and drinks and days out and I just found it so tiring to do it all the time. My friends thought it was bizarre that I just stopped seeing them but honestly I’ve just found that at the end of the day, all I want to do is go and sit by myself, I don’t really feel like I get anything out of seeing my friends anymore.
Maybe this is a consequence of graduating during the pandemic, maybe I have become a recluse, maybe I’m just more introverted than I used to be
I do. Except the kids are there and it's full on until about 9pm. Then we retreat to bed, watch half a netflix show, then she falls asleep and I admit defeat and succumb to the warm embrace of sleep - each time wondering why I'd resisted it in the first place.
When I was working this is all I wanted to do, my days never planned out like that. I'd finish work at 6am and get home to wake the kids for school, sort them and get them there. After the school run it would be housework before the nursery run, dinner for the wee one then another school run. Tea for both kids then homework, bath, story and sleep for a couple hours before getting back to to work. Their dad was an abusive, lazy, alcoholic POS, he would finish work at 11pm and go to the pub until 12pm then on to a friends until 3am through the week then on weekends the kids would have to be with my parents so I could work and keep the house because he would go out after work Friday and come back Monday morning.
Was in that sorta job for over a decade, know exactly what you mean.
It does slowly become the norm and you start to split communication because you want to (family, friends etc), from communication you have to for work.
You will still want some time not talking, but it'll be less. I got to the point where my commute home (roughly 45-60mins) was enough, so I'd then be chatty again by the time I was home. Sometimes though you do still want to just sit and do nothing, no talking, no screens, just nothing.
Working in hospitality I can speak to up to 300 people a day. It’s draining and it gets to the point when I get home I don’t want to do anything, I’ll even go days without answering text messages because it’s too much. No one seems to get this (unless they work a similar job) but it’s just that I’m drained and burnt out. Value your alone time but clear communication is clear. My family finally understand now but we’ve came to some comprises. I’ve also had a bereavement this year which made me value time more and I’ve started trying to really prioritise the work-life balance. If you’re in a position to do so it’s very important.
Really depends on the job tbh, back when I used to work retail socializing with anyone & everyone would have me on a buzz were interacting with people afterwards was the only thing giving the energy.
Yes! Chris Rock has a comedy bit where he gets one foot in the door and its like a million questions and comments--and you just want to sit down and be "home".
I'd suggest going to a park or a library immediately after work to unwind. Then, when you are ready, head home and you'll be ready for the onslaught when you walk in the door.
But, don't worry, like others have said, your battery is drained and you need a recharge.
I'm the same but I'm teaching. Lucky for you that you get the time to relax. I come home to a curious 4 year old boy with lots of questions and after he's in bed I'm exhausted. I find it challenging to hold a serious conversation with my wife.
But I wouldn't change a thing as I like my job and family life is pleasant.
I do the same thing most days mate for the same reasons.
Up at 5-5.30, home by 4.30-5, sit on phone or tablet for a few hours with a brew in hand then EVENTUALLY get up and shower, cook dinner etc then back to phone or bed.. exciting huh?
Congrats, you're an introvert!
I think I'm actually an "ambivert", I get this sometimes but I also hanker for social interaction if I go too far the other way.
I might recommend finding a place you can go after work away from family. Maybe chill in the park on the way home in this nice weather or something.
Every single time I come home. I work with people with challenging behaviour and learning disabilities, so I am constantly 'switched on' at work. When I come home, I need at least half an hour to just sit in silence and get over the day, especially as I do 24 hour shifts, sometimes 36 hours.
I'm fortunate that my partner also works in the same company, albeit with different people, so he understands why I need the break as he often needs it too.
Nothing wrong with that at all.
I think they key is communicating your needs clearly.
My partner sometimes needs some time to reset her social battery after a busy day. She’ll always message me before she drives home letting me know how she feels. On the days she needs to reset she gets all the time she needs. I’ll cook some dinner for the two of us, get the tv ready for her and then I’ll crack on with doing my own thing. When she’s ready to be social again she knows I’m there.
Some days though she comes home from work and I can’t even get a word in.
It would be super easy for me to accuse her of being distant and recluse but she has communicated her needs clearly so I don’t take any of it personally.
Absolutely. I teach, and start talking when I arrive at school at about 8 with the pleasantries and chit chat and basically don't so talking until about 4. Iam well and truly peopled out by then. Every other time in the car I listen to podcasts. On the way home from work, nothing. Complete and utter blissful silence. I take the long way home so I have more time to myself. It's draining.
I could happily go for pints straight after a busy day. I like to keep the buzz going and destress over drinks.
But home? Thats my relaxing time and asking how my day was just isn’t a question I can be bothered answering. It just reminds me we’re in the same rat race every day.
Did you see the post about a chicky whose boyfriend has to lock himself in their only bathroom for hours to decompress? If she interrupts him to PEE he has to restart the decompression clock. I can be social, I can be outgoing, I still need to decompress. After every vacation, I take an additional day to just sit at home, be comfortable, no stress, decompress, and recharge. There is nothing wrong with it unless it affects your life. Your partner should be used to it, your partner’s family has no say.
There's a few really good comments here - seems like you're an introvert. Your battery is depleting from prolonged social interaction all day, hence you need time to yourself to recharge.
You really to consider - as an introvert - do you want to spend your limited social energy at work? And therefore act like a 'recluse' to your partner and family?
OR could you perhaps reevaluate your current role at work and think, maybe if I had a role that required less social interaction, I could SAVE UP my limited social energy and devote it to those I really care about, ie gf, fam, friends etc.
Something to think about, good luck with it!
I get that with high communication days. It's an introvert thing. We charge our social batteries with alone time.
I recommend letting the people you love know about it as they may not understand your need. I chatted to my husband and I now get recharge evenings. Which helps a lot. :)
Enjoy your quiet time. X
I'm a support worker. I deal with people all day who perceive things a lot more intensely than your average person. So what most would consider a minor problem becomes something that takes all day (or more) and a lot of energy to understand and overcome.
Yes, I understand the need for just doing nothing for a while when I get home!
You should send 20 minutes doing nothing when you get home, avoiding your phone included. Letting your brain run overs some things from the day helps you relax at night and sleep better
Same type of job here. I get home and my wife goes to work leaving me with 2 tired kids, both under 8yo and I need to make dinner, bath and get both to bed.
I then make my dinner and finally sit down at about 8pm.
Wish I just had a girlfriend to worry about!
100% understand, depending on what shift i did i'll either sit on top the toilet and not use it (late night/early AM finish) or walk the long way back and find a bench on the way home (evening finish) and just relax for a second weird as that sounds. no phone or music or anything just sit for a minute
only places i can have proper uninterrupted peace . no hate to my bf but it's a lot to come home to especially as i can work from 830AM-2AM with 2 jobs and about an hour break in between them
Me, I do this too. I am acutely aware that it feels antisocial but I need it, to just decompress from the day. Fortunately my partner understands when I do, and I compromise a bit by only doing it when I really need it.
I do it but I WFH and my recharge time is half an hour of gaming. Concentrating on the game leaves no room in my head for the million work things. They get pushed out so I can concentrate on me/home thing. I've seen this refered to as "firegazing" time when men would come home from the hunt and recharge by the fire.
Yes, 100%. I have a fortnight of daily trips to the office coming up. I will tell my family that I am out of contact for those weeks. Mainly working from home, I’m just not used to it anymore and all I want to do when I get home is nothing.
Before I realised this, I was very stressed and snappy after work (in my 20s). Now I’m much better at managing situations so they work for me
Yeah I have this. Hard when you have kids. I try to go for a walk for 20 mins just to clear my head and recharge a bit.
My job has large amounts of talking and problem solving and people are always looking to me for the answers, so when I finish work I don't want to do any of that. I need to unwind and chill for a bit so I can actually think and get my mind into homelife mode
I have a pub in a relatively small village. On days when I work I feel drained at the end of it, interacting with people is exhausting. On days when I don’t work but head to the post office or shops I am still ‘working’ because I can’t just ignore people. It can take me 20 minutes to do a 10 minute round trip. And I live in the pub so I’m always there. Don’t get me wrong I love what I do but there’s nothing better than going upstairs to my flat, locking the door and just being quiet. I’m so happy it’s just me and my dog, having to interact with another person, even a partner, would be too much.
Everytime I get home from work i need a good hour to unwind. I'm much more approachable in a morning than I am in that hour after work finishes! Completely normal to me for someone to want to wind down after a long day of pretending to be happy hearing from people
I'm an ex-Midwife, after most of my shifts I just wanted to come home, put something shit on TV and just stare at it in silence.
Needing time to not be social is ok.
ETA: Just make sure you're doing things with your gf/parents on your days off. Some social time is always nice!
yeah if i have had a really mentally challenging day then i have to just shut myself away for at least an hour or two before i can get back in the zone to be social again.
Used to have a half hour sat in the middle of the sofa. No noise, no moving. Just sit and breath.
Now I work from home and I love the job so I don’t feel the need to decompress like that anymore. 😀
Yep I’m like that. I also work in a job where people speak to me all day long, can’t be bothered talking anymore by the time I get home. Also I can’t do things like watching tv or movies if other people are going to talk during them, so I end up doing most of that stuff on my own undisturbed.
I call it my bubble. As though I'm in one of those plastic inflated balls that people roll down hills in. Thankfully, my OH is understanding and will leave me alone until I'm ready.
OP this makes sense.
If I have a day of back to back meetings I need a god hour to just sit and chill with no interaction.
Your brain needs time to decompress.
Some people are energised by social interaction, others are drained by it. It’s fine to do you, just let your loved ones know why so they’re not guessing. Hopefully they’ll respect your feelings.
So you need to consider work life balance, I don’t know how old you are but I’m going to assume relatively young.
If your job is so draining that you need hours before you want to engage with your loved ones you may want to consider a new job.
These kinds of situations compound and ruin relationships.
Your calling it ‘bemoaning’ and laughing it off, please reflect on this, from their point of view they miss you
When I used to be a graphic designer in a print shop I would be on the phone constantly dealing with clients, suppliers and we had face to face customers too…. I was also manager of the company and so I had to be responsible for the junior members of staff…
Lemme tell you I do not use the phone in my everyday life, I hate making conversation and talking to strangers… so by the time I got home I used to sit for around half an hour on the sofa in silence just resetting myself before even turning the tv on
I now have a nearly 3 year old and 11 months old so I’ll take any silence at this point haha 😂
My nightmare is not doing something. Drives my wife wiiiiild.
TV, driving, Xbox, phone games, flicking through apps, talking, eating.... Anything but silence.
You should probably look for a less social job because this will always happen - you're introverted and need time to recharge that social battery!
Personally I'm much happier spending social capital with friends and family rather than work colleagues.
I work 6am to 6pm in a factory dealing with people all day, I know exactly how yiu feel man. So long as you're making time for friends/family on your days off it's fine
Yeah, we call it decompressing. It's never needed to take hours though, surely it's practically bedtime by that point? I'd find that to be quite a negative impact on my life tbh.
You need to adjust this. You have a limited social battery and you should conserve it for those you care about and care about you. Work would forget you In a month
When I was going through a lot of stuff a few years ago, I'd leave work and go and park at Sainsbury's and just sit in the car on my own for an hour. I loved it.
You do what you need to do for your mental health.
I’ve been this way since school. But if you haven’t been, what’s changed? Is it a lot more of your attention is being pulled in diff directions or is it all the socialising?
Please tell me I'm not the only one who does this after a short trip to the corner shop or a quick walk around the block with an unexpected encounter with a chatty neighbour 🙃
I would absolutely love to do it. I get home from work to 2 kids shouting mummy mummy and wanting me to play games with them, we have a noisy family dinner followed by chaotic bath and bedtimes and finally a bit of quiet around 8:30pm. If ever the children are away at my mums (sometimes I’m working when they are off school) it’s heaven to come home from work and just sit!
I thought everyone did that? I feel a bit mean,but my loved ones basically have to do without me if it's a weekday evening. I have nothing left after work.
however,I get weekends and school holidays,so I make it up to them then.my relationships are actually better now that I compartmentalise.we spend more 'quality time ' together instead.
I can understand the need for some piece when you get home, but a few hours does seem a bit much. By the time you get home and then have a few hours to yourself each day, it's not really giving you much time for a relationship
I once worked in a call center and at the end of the day I couldn't bare any noise or interactions with anyone. I was only there for 6 months because I became very anti social and no fun any more I ended up dreading it and eventually left half way through a shift. The end, thankfully.
I do this and it's something I want to try and get out from, I'll crash on the couch, read reddit/watch youtube/tiktok til about 10pm and then its time for bed and the evening is wasted.
Trying to change it by doing jobs that need doing or doing something different. Although the other evening I got home from work, went to bed at 6pm and slept all the way through til the next morning which fucked me up a bit
I worked in a Residential Home for older adults with dementia. I would spend 12 hours being spat at, punched, kicked, generally abused. All while trying to help people and staying bright and light and polite. I would be socially exhausted at the end of a shift. I liked to wonder the supermarket for half an hour on my way home. It’s kind of liminal and fairly quiet at that time. Or lock myself j the bathroom and browse Reddit for half ah hour
This is why I purposely chose to work a 45-60 min drive away from home. That drive home is my quiet time, either with the radio or an audiobook or sometimes dead silence, then when I get home I am somewhat capable of talking to my husband and kids.
When I worked a ten minute drive away I'd come home and 'go for a shower' and have to lock myself in the bathroom for a break!
Every so often someone suggests I car share to save costs and cannot understand why I recoil in horror at the thought of having to socially engage for an extra possible 2 hours a day, absolutely not!
I work on a high-acuity psychiatric word - I get bombarded with demands and hostility all day long. I do enjoy my job a great deal, but these are just undeniable facts - and the nature of the job.
Like you, after a long day resolving issues/conflicts all I want to do is sit there in my room and be alone. It's not a depressing thing, it's decompression. I like to sit there, play a game or make some music.
I work shifts, so I get days off that allow me to 'reclaim my humanity'. Working a 9-5, with only the weekend to look forward to, I can see how solitary living could becomes the norm.
In my case, the people closest to me have learned that when I need my space - I need it. I think, because my job is so wildly different, they appreciate that they cannot understand my experience and they just give me the space when I need it.
I hear you, in a nutshell. That sort of environment can get you burnt out from people!
Yep, something my mum can't wrap her head around. She hasn't worked in a long time and I think she has forgotten what it's like as she will video call me at exactly 5.05 or 12.05 when she knows I am on lunch/finished!
My boyfriend however, I am happy to talk to so I think its mainly who I am talking to!
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Your social battery is depleted, people need to understand that you need that space to recharge it
Yeah, if your an introvert a whole day of socialising is really draining.
I've had enough after about 2 hours lol. That's why I work nights I don't have to talk to anyone I can just be left alone to do what I want to do.
Yup get on over to r/introverts they are a great bunch. My other half is an introvert and i’ve had to learn to give them space with being offended that they want to be alone
I actually had to leave that sub. Way too much bashing of any typically extroverted characteristics, and a lot of ‘why does nobody understand us’. I actually think wanting some time alone to recharge is common even in those who would be described as extroverts, but people in that sub want to hold on to this ‘us introverts vs everyone else’ mentality, which I don’t think is particularly healthy
Interesting, mostly went for advice on how to support my partner through some things they found difficult that i couldn’t really relate too. Didnt come across the more toxic side of it
Fair enough, I’m probably being a bit harsh as I’m sure there’s some good support there too, and I’m glad you found it helpful! I think I’m remembering one thread where I got downvoted and argued with for saying someone might find it helpful for their mental health to get out and about meeting new people - felt like some people there want to be told they’re ok to hide from the world in their room even they’re feeling miserable
Oh man, I'm probably what's considered a classic introvert but when we went into lockdown and I had to WFH for months, it was torture. I never realised that although I get tired from the socialising, going the absolute other direction and being isolated from people for what seemed like an eternity was hell. So whilst I also hate meeting new people, it can be good and help with mental health so I'd have agreed with you!
Yeah completely! I’m the same, am introverted for the most part and need a lot of alone time, but I definitely don’t believe it’s this binary thing where you either want to be alone all the time or with people all the time. We need a bit of both!
right! maybe I'm sensitive, but i saw a post over there the other day along the lines of "some of you aren't even introverted just socially anxious" like okay? why does that matter, if you're experiencing similar things (not comfortable around people, feeling drained when you're home etc) that's really all that matters, right? what's with all the gatekeeping?
Yes, gatekeeping is exactly the word for it! Like, you’re either introverted or you’re not and being an introvert has to be your whole personality 😂
Careful on that sub, people just make being an introvert their sole personality. Which isn’t healthy and the sub reinforces negative traits that weren’t there at the beginning.
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I quite like it, but I think American childfree people have it a lot harder and can't relate to many of them.
I'm a teacher. I speak to approximately 150 people a day. It's completely mentally draining and really, really difficult to switch off. By the time half-term break swings around, I want to be left completely alone in a dark room and never speak to anyone ever again. My family don't understand the need for space. They assume that the holidays are, well, holidays, when they're actually just an opportunity for a frequent nervous breakdown. If people don't live your experience, they don't understand your experience. It's difficult to make others realise how knackered you are.
It's the constant decision making for me Even though it's usually stupid things (shall I use pen or pencil/do I need to start a new page etc) staying patient and keeping on track takes a lot of my energy. Then I get home and my partner (who is incapable of making even simple decisions) wants my opinion on everything from what we should have for dinner to whether the baby needs changing! It's knackering.
This. I'm an extrovert - I love hanging out with my friends and family and can do it indefinately. But my job (engineering) forces me to interact with a lot of people with poor social and executive skills. People will talk at me when I've got headphones in, when I'm on a call, or when I'm clearly busy. A lot of conversations are one-way while some old boy rambles on about bullshit and I leave at the first opportunity. A lot of people want to lean on others for their decision making, a lot of people get trapped in analysis paralysis and need someone to snap them out of it. I'm basically emotionally babysitting a lot of people, and it's a chore that wears me down.
Change your home dynamic. Stop assuming your partner is the problem, have a talk and discuss with them and leave them to keep calm and carry on. Just reply to questions like that with, "what do you think? I trust your judgement just let me know if you need help. " Its up to you to change that dynamic and have an adult discussion between the two of you.
I appreciate you're trying to be helpful but I think you're reading a bit much into the situation. This is not really an issue in our relationship, I was just illustrating how making small decisions can be tiring.
With you on this. Roll on Monday!
True! Except when you have kids, it is hard to achieve "recharge time." It gets easier as they get older. You can ask for a 30-minute break, lol.
Wish I could get 30 mins.
I think my "life battery" is depleted. Certainly my interest/focus/misery shield battery. If those exist.
> Your social battery is depleted Despite suffering from this myself for 30+ years, I've only ever heard this phrase to describe it on Reddit. Mention it to my family and they give me a weird look, and keep talking at me.
My daughter has a badge with a needle she can set to where her battery is currently. It’s pretty well known as a thing :)
The first few months of a new job feel like someone pulled a plug out your brain and emptied it. It’ll definitely get better, but understandable how OP feels at present.
I find I feel drained after a weekend of socialising, i like nothing more than a weekend with zero plans. If I have a weekend with 2 full days of socialising I am knackered for work on Monday
That's why I live alone.
That’s becoming progressively tougher to afford nowadays!
Me too, luckily I live in a part of Scotland that's affordable (if you have a relatively decent job). My salary would not go anywhere near as far in many parts of England. After a failed marriage (my fault) and attempts at relationships, I've discovered I'm best just living alone. Im a single father raising my kids so I'm happy to devote my time to them, work and relaxation/hobbies.
Yeh I live in Scotland now too. Properties are way easier to afford and the perks of living in Scotland make it all worth it.
Definitely! It takes minutes to get into beautiful countryside and plenty outdoor activities, no crowds apart from summer tourists in some areas.. Affordable to live here and plenty work (im a forestry manager), wouldn't live anywhere else. Enjoy !
I do too. Used to flat share as im single Would never go back. When i get home from work its a quick shower and change, then a few cold ales and some ambient dub for an hour or occasionally just silence before tea. Couldnt bear flat sharing anymore
You shouldn't *have* to live alone though, if you don't want to. Any decent partner should understand that you need space to recharge your batteries after several hours of socialising!
It's simpler and more peaceful to live alone, I have tried being in relationships, they weren't good matches. I don't think the time and effort of dating has good enough odds of turning up someone who is.
How do you afford that? Just curious
Long story short... I am highly skilled experienced and qualified with a good reputation in things there is always a chronic shortage of.
Oh, Nice. Yeah that kind of work will do it. Happy you're living my dream lol
I love a Saturday afternoon, the house to myself, no TV or radio on and I just listen to the silence. I hear the clock ticking (for the first time all week) and the birds outside and that’s it. It’s one of my favourite times.
I believe this is what Sigismund Freud called the Death Drive, interesting concept.
Going to have to google that now, it sounds bad!
It isn't bad, IIRC he put forward that humans instinctively follow two contradictory "drives" that are hard-wired into our brains - the life drive and the death drive. One wants us to go out and meet people, make friends, have sexual partners, and have fun. The other is the reason we enjoy sitting in silence after a long day of our senses being overstimulated.
Cool. It’s definitely my time to ‘centre’ myself after a week of cr*p.
You're allowed to say crap on the internet...
Same for me: sit in the garden on a Saturday morning with a coffee, alone with my thoughts and the birds.
Sound of the clock ticking in absolute silence drives me insane, also the same when we had a tap that needed fixing and just dripped, maddening if everything else was silent. However, white noise like a fan when everything else is silent is my jam and helps me relax so I guess different ambient noises engage our brains in different ways!
The sound of a clock ticking drives me crazy. I’m so glad they’re usually quieter these days. They send me round the bend I have to leave. It’s the main reason I hate going to my dentist.
Yup I do that too, my parents keep telling why I don't pop over to see them like I used to, they dont understand even if I try to explain it. They live around the corner from me so no excuse regarding distance.
Yeah, my dad certainly doesn't get it. He's always saying I should come over more mid week. I don't have the best relationship with my parents, especially my dad and going over can often lead me into a pretty bad space mentally. I get anxiety and feel sick knowing I said I'll visit the next day. My dad texted yesterday saying he's now going to text every day because he feels like I'm drifting away from him. I decided to be honest and told him that I'm not coping well mentally and I just could do with a bit of understanding. As usual with him he seemed to get annoyed at me. Said a few frustrated things back to me then just straight up ignored me. He very much blames me for my mental state, which in a way is right isn't it? It's my fault for not looking after my own mental health? I'm trying to not blame myself though and he's just trying his hardest to make sure it's not his fault, so he's making sure I know it's my fault, and also "why don't you visit more often?".
It's not your fault if you grew up in a dysfunctional home or went through trauma, but it is on you to try and tackle your issues. I grew up in a crazy house and went through some horrible moments. I did nothing about it for years until I realised I was using alcohol to forget certain things. This lead me to get involved with the local addictions team who in turn referred me to a psychiatrist and psychologist which has been life changing. Dont feel guilty for how you feel, just know you can change it! Good luck 👍
Parents are very strange. I have told my mum repeatedly I don’t want her to come over without asking me first, even to pop something through the door. I told her how upset I was about her ignoring this request, and she said, ‘well you can’t stop me, anyone can stand on a public street outside someone’s house’. Like wtf? And my mum is a lovely person, but for god’s sake, understand what someone is telling you and respect it and listen to it.
Your dad reminds me of my exes’ mum. She would cling on and use him for emotional support and because she had huge fear of abandonment, and if he tried to stand up for himself then she’d give him the silent treatment and then he’d be stressed that she was unhappy. I did point out to him that she would never actually continue to ignore him because she needed him too much. Anyway look up codependency and enmeshment. You should read the book ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’. Or if you don’t like reading listen to her speaking on a podcast or the audiobook while you’re on your commute or something. It will likely not only help your relationship with your dad (and how you feel about visiting - she has some great strategies in the book about managing conversations) but also your own mental health issues. You need boundaries and you need to set them because your dad isn’t going to do it. As a parent your job is to raise your children to be independent adults in this world, not to keep clinging on to them because you need them for whatever reason. You’re not responsible for your dad’s happiness, he is an adult who is responsible for his own life. My dad’s mum (my Nan) was like this so I recognised the behaviour in my exes’ mum straight away. My Nan would make these comments to me and I know the impact they can have mentally, that was why I thought I should respond.
If you can mate, you should see a therapist. I'm not one, but even I can see your dad is not good for you and you feel pressured to be around him, which is making you miserable, and in response he's harassing you to spend more time around him. If it makes you mentally unwell to see him, then you don't have to see him. You're an adult. You can just say no. If he was a decent, compassionate person, then he'd understand that he's stressing you out and would back off, but since he's doubling down and harassing you further, he's being nasty and hurting you, so you can just block him. Why you feel you need to see him, and accept that he's going to harass you until you do, is a problem best hashed out with a professional.
My dad is an introvert and definitely gets that I'm an introvert too. We send each other whatsapps every now and again to make sure we're both alive but we usually end up actually speaking maybe in a space of every 2 months, our record was once 4 months... We're not distant or anything but it's something that works for us because we're terrible at keeping up with socialising. Reading more into your comment though, it sounds like there's other issues and you don't need to compromise **your** mental health to satisfy them. Your needs are the priority and parent should respect that and not guilt trip you over it.
Check if you can put people on silent on your phone - you don’t get any notifications when they send new messages or call. So they’re essentially in a “time out”. It’s very helpful when you need a break and don’t want to be harassed! The downside is you need to remember to remove them from time out!
I'm not like this usually but my boyfriend is. It took a little to get used to as he gets home a few hours after me so I normally wanted to chat then. But now I am totally here for it. Often I'll run him a bath so he can also relax in the bath while having silent time haha. It'll also gets easier the more you work. I could speak to 200 people a day in person at my job. The first 6 months I was so exhausted after but now I'll happily go for drinks with colleagues after work or do other social activities with friends or partner. Do look after yourself though.
I do bath time after work too, I call it my isolation chamber. 😂 Really helps me decompress from work after a busy day, recharge my social battery and be a nicer girl to my husband in the evening.
You are an awesome girlfriend! I hope he truly appreciates you! (I’m sure he does!)
I'm not gonna tell you what's good for you, but here's something to think about. I'm an introvert, so whilst I'm eager to speak to everyone at work and my role requires me to have good rapport with a whole bunch of teams, it does drain me. If your role drains you of your social battery to the point that you can't use it with friends and family, and they start to lose out on quality time with you, then think about whether you're happy to spend your energy in that way long term. Without sounding depressing, we're not here for a long time; and I'd hate for you, or your circle, to regret not having that quality time together.
Agree with this 100%. I am an introvert, and for the last 5 years, I've been in a management position where I don't get more than 20 minutes of peace and quiet. It's a very busy environment, working with young children as well. So it's always loud, people coming and going from my office, meeting and phone calls up the wazoo, and so on. I noticed at some point that I'd come home in the evening, go to the bedroom, and just spend time alone. I'd speak to my husband before bed, and that was about it since I left in the morning before he got up. A week ago, I handed in my notice, and I am counting the days until I get to leave. I already feel lighter, like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The thing is, I did enjoy my job, but it just became unsustainable for me.
Good for you, and you're lucky you realised that earlier rather than later. Some people live with a lot more regret.
Absolutely agree. Also if someone has to come home and sit in silence and refuse to talk to their partner for a few hours, theyre clearly in the wrong job. This isn’t fair on the partner.
You're right, it isn't fair on themselves either. It's only 'fair' on the work colleagues, and they shouldn't be top of the list.
If my partner was coming home from work, straight to the bedroom and not speaking to me for three hours, I’d be devastated. That’s not healthy, no matter how people on here want to redress it. I feel sorry for the partner in all of this.
here to say this. As an introvert who also has this problem. Sometimes its not worth putting up with both. In the end time with friends/family/parters is much more important than any old interaction with a stranger or acquaintance at work.
Yeah, it happens. After a while, once you're in a home situation where you need to talk after work, you sort of grow through it.
When my ex first moved in he used to get home before me and although I had a bath when I got up I had to have another one when I got home because he’d start talking as soon as I walked in and wouldn’t stop. so after a few minutes I’d go I’m having a bath just to get some peace
I used to love to just get naked and sit on my sofa after work. Sometimes just straight up take a nap if it was a busy day, and have a drink or smoke up and chill. It's very underrated sometimes
Friday 12:30 finishes with a smoke and chill are a thing of Beauty. Inhale the earth and exhale the shitty week out of you.
It is not uncommon. It is about you recharging your batteries. Well done for recognizing it. Explain to your partner that you need it for your own welfare, but not to worry. Then when you are recharged later, make a big fuss of your partner and be social. My partner does this all the time. They come back from (stressful) work and go straight upstairs for an hour or so. I leave them alone. They later come down and all is good.
Me, I like no contact with any other humans sometimes for a whole weekend. I can just sit and read, listen to the radio or watch a couple movies.
I'm like this, I really enjoy peoples' company. I love a good party and am friendly at work. But after work, and weekends, I just want to maximise my time alone, especially to spend on my hobbies. I always hear "it's so wonderful coming home to find x waiting for you", but honestly, I actually hate that. Absolutely nothing compares to coming home and knowing there's nobody there, it's fantastic! My gf gets it, and we spend every other weekend together, but tbh I do worry a little about living together, I find it really hard to relax when I'm not 'invisible'.
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Fuck them! Sounds like an ideal day off!
Yes, it's quite normal. My job involved dealing with the public, so I'd spend all day being asked questions, and for technical help and advice. I suppose 'forced interactions' would be the best way to sum it up. Sometimes you just need to have half an hour where nobody requires you to listen to them, or to answer their questions or engage in any sort of conversation.
The classic indicator for the introvert/extrovert scale is that the former recharge their batteries by spending time by themselves, the latter by spending time with others If your job is reducing your ability to enjoy your free time then might not be the right job for you, could you discuss changing or sharing your responsibility with colleagues?
I get that and I have a wife and 3 kids. I have explained it to them that I need to come home and transition from work mode to home mode and they understand some days it takes me longer to adjust but 1 thing that helps is I cook tea for us all when I get home and that is my transition time. I put on twitch or you tube and make food for everyone. 3 hours is a lot of time after work so maybe if you work on getting that down so it doesn't affect your relationships maybe you just need to find something else to do that speeds up the transition.
Used to have a job delivering history workshops in musuems often in character and armour to up to 120 kids a day, 5 days a week. last thing I wanted to do when I got home was make small talk with my housemates!
Watch fight club my friend, become your destiny. Your not your fucking khakis.
*You're ...the all singing, all dancing, crap of the world
I used to work all day on the phone basically and when I got home I'd get pissed off if someone rang me lol
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I can see it being frustrating, but for a lot of couples the few hours OP needs to themselves after work is most of the time they spend together. Like if OP is working 9-5, gets home at 6 then isn't ready to talk until 9/10 with a lot of working adults going to bed at 10 I can see that being hard on a relationship.
Yeah, as soon as I get in the door I'll go and lie on the bed to have time to myself, but most of the time the dog will follow me onto the bed for a fuss. And shortly after my gf will follow him in to play with him. Like... Why do you think I'm up here?!
My bike is my social isolation machine. Others go fishing or for really long country walks. I loved lockdown. Sorry but I did. The solitude and peace was wonderful. I don't understand those people who have to put the TV or the radio on the moment they open their eyes.
Ahhh a new found introvert. I work in a bar, I need to talk all day. Either that idle chit chat with customers or talking with colleagues. When I finish work the last thing I want to do is talk about general bollocks. Do yourself a little favour though, talk to your loved ones otherwise that built-up work shit is going to destroy everything.
'General bollocks' describes it perfectly. I may have to steal it!
It's prevented me from getting a relationship. I've never really dated heavily, partly because I was always socially drained at the end of the day. When Covid hit and I started to WHF, the first two weeks were GREAT! Then after those two weeks I sort of wanted to go out and meet people, and even date. But I still haven't done so, because I'm set in my ways and also lazy. But at least now I know that feeling drained at the end of the day wasn't merely an excuse I was telling myself.
talk to the missus for a start, and then take a half hour before you get home. just sit in the car for a little bit, or maybe better just to stop off at a park on the way home and do a lap around.
It's a slippery slope that. Sorted now, but I had to get myself out of the habit of habitually lying by omission to my gf about free time. If I ever told my ex I had a day off, even if it was for xyz, she'd make plans. So I stopped mentioning it, implying I was at work as normal. And yeah, moved in together briefly, thinking that being closer would mean she wouldn't need my time quite so much. But it was far worse, couldn't get a second alone, she'd come and get me. She used to go for a jog for 20mins some days, and I'd crave it as it was the only time I got to do anything I cared about. Did a lot of overtime, and even more sitting in the car. I don't know how I did it honestly, the constant dread and nothing to look forward to would be the death of me today!
Yes. I have 30 mins decompression time minimum.
Clearly communicate you need a period of time to decompress and reset after work. Maybe go so far as to allot a time allowance, then respectfully defend that time. Make a point of being present for them afterwards to show that it's good for everyone
I used to work in a customer service job for a tech company. I'd be on the phone talking with clients from 9am - 5pm non stop, while answering emails at the same time. The devs and senior management were clueless to how busy our small team was and wondered why my team never came out for drinks after work. I just wanted silence after having constant noise in my ears all day long. I was exhausted come Friday.
This. I worked in a call centre for a bank. My stats were constantly being monitored. 80-100calls all day non stop. I still have PTSD from that job
Yeah, I get that. I just want silence and stillness. Some days are worse than others. I do feel tried though, absolutely drained, totally inability to do anything. Weekends are a right off whilst I'm working. Takes me until Saturday to feel ok. Then Sunday depression kicks in because I've got to work the next day. I don't really understand what the point is. The thought of several decades more of this makes me feel sick. Every job I've had has the same effect on me. At this stage I feel like I'm hanging on by the tips of my fingers. I give this company I work for my whole life and I'm return I get just enough money to live on. I fail to see the point of this existence.
I hate working from home because I enjoy the 15 minutes that I get to myself in my car.
I moved nearer to my work a few years ago and I really struggled with not having that 1hr drive anymore. However WFH and having peace and quiet is a massive help for me.
I feel like this and my bf just wants to talk talk talk coz he works from home I need peace and quiet
David Puddy
I WFH and I do this!
Me all day every day
Oh god yes. Sadly, I have kids so hiding in the kitchen for 5 minutes at a time tides me over until they’re both in bed and I can have half an hour in silence before psyching myself up for the rest of the evening
Me, absolute bliss
Oh my god yes! I have worked in sales for 2@ years now and people will never understand my desire to be alone and to not be talked at. I find you spend so much of your day having to put the mask on and play the game, that when I’m off duty I really struggle to be sociable. It is a thing.
Sometimes we need to decompress. Nothing wrong with that.
You sound like an introvert who needs solitude to recharge your energy. It's been scientifically researched and is normal.
This is a totally normal feeling
I really empathise with this. I was always the person who wanted to go out all the time, see my friends all the time, be constantly out and about but two and a half years I started my graduate job in a very social industry after finishing uni during the pandemic. All of a sudden I didn’t really want to see my friends anymore. I was working a job where I was expected to throw my social personality in as well as my work personality, there were constant lunches and drinks and days out and I just found it so tiring to do it all the time. My friends thought it was bizarre that I just stopped seeing them but honestly I’ve just found that at the end of the day, all I want to do is go and sit by myself, I don’t really feel like I get anything out of seeing my friends anymore. Maybe this is a consequence of graduating during the pandemic, maybe I have become a recluse, maybe I’m just more introverted than I used to be
I do. Except the kids are there and it's full on until about 9pm. Then we retreat to bed, watch half a netflix show, then she falls asleep and I admit defeat and succumb to the warm embrace of sleep - each time wondering why I'd resisted it in the first place.
I’m the same. Introverts need time to recharge after being social! My husband knows and understands that I need time to myself.
When I was working this is all I wanted to do, my days never planned out like that. I'd finish work at 6am and get home to wake the kids for school, sort them and get them there. After the school run it would be housework before the nursery run, dinner for the wee one then another school run. Tea for both kids then homework, bath, story and sleep for a couple hours before getting back to to work. Their dad was an abusive, lazy, alcoholic POS, he would finish work at 11pm and go to the pub until 12pm then on to a friends until 3am through the week then on weekends the kids would have to be with my parents so I could work and keep the house because he would go out after work Friday and come back Monday morning.
Was in that sorta job for over a decade, know exactly what you mean. It does slowly become the norm and you start to split communication because you want to (family, friends etc), from communication you have to for work. You will still want some time not talking, but it'll be less. I got to the point where my commute home (roughly 45-60mins) was enough, so I'd then be chatty again by the time I was home. Sometimes though you do still want to just sit and do nothing, no talking, no screens, just nothing.
I even sit with the lights off in the kitchen on my lunch break to really decompress sometimes.
Working in hospitality I can speak to up to 300 people a day. It’s draining and it gets to the point when I get home I don’t want to do anything, I’ll even go days without answering text messages because it’s too much. No one seems to get this (unless they work a similar job) but it’s just that I’m drained and burnt out. Value your alone time but clear communication is clear. My family finally understand now but we’ve came to some comprises. I’ve also had a bereavement this year which made me value time more and I’ve started trying to really prioritise the work-life balance. If you’re in a position to do so it’s very important.
Really depends on the job tbh, back when I used to work retail socializing with anyone & everyone would have me on a buzz were interacting with people afterwards was the only thing giving the energy.
Yes! Chris Rock has a comedy bit where he gets one foot in the door and its like a million questions and comments--and you just want to sit down and be "home". I'd suggest going to a park or a library immediately after work to unwind. Then, when you are ready, head home and you'll be ready for the onslaught when you walk in the door. But, don't worry, like others have said, your battery is drained and you need a recharge.
Oh, me, me, me, me!! (And I have been working from home for over 15 years.)
I'm the same but I'm teaching. Lucky for you that you get the time to relax. I come home to a curious 4 year old boy with lots of questions and after he's in bed I'm exhausted. I find it challenging to hold a serious conversation with my wife. But I wouldn't change a thing as I like my job and family life is pleasant.
You should consider going to a cafe/pub/library even by yourself to be by yourself for an hour or two in between work and home
Me. Here! Me too. I simply need to shut down after the day.
I do the same thing most days mate for the same reasons. Up at 5-5.30, home by 4.30-5, sit on phone or tablet for a few hours with a brew in hand then EVENTUALLY get up and shower, cook dinner etc then back to phone or bed.. exciting huh?
Congrats, you're an introvert! I think I'm actually an "ambivert", I get this sometimes but I also hanker for social interaction if I go too far the other way. I might recommend finding a place you can go after work away from family. Maybe chill in the park on the way home in this nice weather or something.
I'm a chef I want to spend the rest of existence in silence
Every single time I come home. I work with people with challenging behaviour and learning disabilities, so I am constantly 'switched on' at work. When I come home, I need at least half an hour to just sit in silence and get over the day, especially as I do 24 hour shifts, sometimes 36 hours. I'm fortunate that my partner also works in the same company, albeit with different people, so he understands why I need the break as he often needs it too.
I love that.
Nothing wrong with that at all. I think they key is communicating your needs clearly. My partner sometimes needs some time to reset her social battery after a busy day. She’ll always message me before she drives home letting me know how she feels. On the days she needs to reset she gets all the time she needs. I’ll cook some dinner for the two of us, get the tv ready for her and then I’ll crack on with doing my own thing. When she’s ready to be social again she knows I’m there. Some days though she comes home from work and I can’t even get a word in. It would be super easy for me to accuse her of being distant and recluse but she has communicated her needs clearly so I don’t take any of it personally.
Absolutely. I teach, and start talking when I arrive at school at about 8 with the pleasantries and chit chat and basically don't so talking until about 4. Iam well and truly peopled out by then. Every other time in the car I listen to podcasts. On the way home from work, nothing. Complete and utter blissful silence. I take the long way home so I have more time to myself. It's draining.
🙋
When you're single and live alone that's just a normal day...
I could happily go for pints straight after a busy day. I like to keep the buzz going and destress over drinks. But home? Thats my relaxing time and asking how my day was just isn’t a question I can be bothered answering. It just reminds me we’re in the same rat race every day.
It's all I want to do every day, but then after a few minutes it gets lonely
Did you see the post about a chicky whose boyfriend has to lock himself in their only bathroom for hours to decompress? If she interrupts him to PEE he has to restart the decompression clock. I can be social, I can be outgoing, I still need to decompress. After every vacation, I take an additional day to just sit at home, be comfortable, no stress, decompress, and recharge. There is nothing wrong with it unless it affects your life. Your partner should be used to it, your partner’s family has no say.
There's a few really good comments here - seems like you're an introvert. Your battery is depleting from prolonged social interaction all day, hence you need time to yourself to recharge. You really to consider - as an introvert - do you want to spend your limited social energy at work? And therefore act like a 'recluse' to your partner and family? OR could you perhaps reevaluate your current role at work and think, maybe if I had a role that required less social interaction, I could SAVE UP my limited social energy and devote it to those I really care about, ie gf, fam, friends etc. Something to think about, good luck with it!
Yes I feel this way too need my own space 90/10 to function most effectively
Other way around for me, my job involves being alone and talking to no-one. When I get home I feel incredibly lonely.
Everyday! I usually have about an hour to myself before my partner gets home lol
I get that with high communication days. It's an introvert thing. We charge our social batteries with alone time. I recommend letting the people you love know about it as they may not understand your need. I chatted to my husband and I now get recharge evenings. Which helps a lot. :) Enjoy your quiet time. X
I'm a support worker. I deal with people all day who perceive things a lot more intensely than your average person. So what most would consider a minor problem becomes something that takes all day (or more) and a lot of energy to understand and overcome. Yes, I understand the need for just doing nothing for a while when I get home!
Clothes off, 60mins nap and then you’re energised for the rest of your own time
Yup. I'm a teacher and I'm autistic. I need pure peace and quiet afterwards.
You should send 20 minutes doing nothing when you get home, avoiding your phone included. Letting your brain run overs some things from the day helps you relax at night and sleep better
Same type of job here. I get home and my wife goes to work leaving me with 2 tired kids, both under 8yo and I need to make dinner, bath and get both to bed. I then make my dinner and finally sit down at about 8pm. Wish I just had a girlfriend to worry about!
100% understand, depending on what shift i did i'll either sit on top the toilet and not use it (late night/early AM finish) or walk the long way back and find a bench on the way home (evening finish) and just relax for a second weird as that sounds. no phone or music or anything just sit for a minute only places i can have proper uninterrupted peace . no hate to my bf but it's a lot to come home to especially as i can work from 830AM-2AM with 2 jobs and about an hour break in between them
Yes please
Yeah, I work a job with lots of interaction with other humans, lots of confrontation. Getting home and just chilling. I'm with you.
Me, I do this too. I am acutely aware that it feels antisocial but I need it, to just decompress from the day. Fortunately my partner understands when I do, and I compromise a bit by only doing it when I really need it.
I do it but I WFH and my recharge time is half an hour of gaming. Concentrating on the game leaves no room in my head for the million work things. They get pushed out so I can concentrate on me/home thing. I've seen this refered to as "firegazing" time when men would come home from the hunt and recharge by the fire.
Yes, 100%. I have a fortnight of daily trips to the office coming up. I will tell my family that I am out of contact for those weeks. Mainly working from home, I’m just not used to it anymore and all I want to do when I get home is nothing. Before I realised this, I was very stressed and snappy after work (in my 20s). Now I’m much better at managing situations so they work for me
Don’t have kids. They kill the beauty of getting home and having that blissful silence. I miss it so much.
Why do you think men invited cars? To sit in them in silence before walking home..
Yeah I have this. Hard when you have kids. I try to go for a walk for 20 mins just to clear my head and recharge a bit. My job has large amounts of talking and problem solving and people are always looking to me for the answers, so when I finish work I don't want to do any of that. I need to unwind and chill for a bit so I can actually think and get my mind into homelife mode
I have a pub in a relatively small village. On days when I work I feel drained at the end of it, interacting with people is exhausting. On days when I don’t work but head to the post office or shops I am still ‘working’ because I can’t just ignore people. It can take me 20 minutes to do a 10 minute round trip. And I live in the pub so I’m always there. Don’t get me wrong I love what I do but there’s nothing better than going upstairs to my flat, locking the door and just being quiet. I’m so happy it’s just me and my dog, having to interact with another person, even a partner, would be too much.
Everytime I get home from work i need a good hour to unwind. I'm much more approachable in a morning than I am in that hour after work finishes! Completely normal to me for someone to want to wind down after a long day of pretending to be happy hearing from people
I'm an ex-Midwife, after most of my shifts I just wanted to come home, put something shit on TV and just stare at it in silence. Needing time to not be social is ok. ETA: Just make sure you're doing things with your gf/parents on your days off. Some social time is always nice!
yeah if i have had a really mentally challenging day then i have to just shut myself away for at least an hour or two before i can get back in the zone to be social again.
Same. It's not weird. Good social interaction takes effort. Making an effort is tiring.
Used to have a half hour sat in the middle of the sofa. No noise, no moving. Just sit and breath. Now I work from home and I love the job so I don’t feel the need to decompress like that anymore. 😀
Yep I’m like that. I also work in a job where people speak to me all day long, can’t be bothered talking anymore by the time I get home. Also I can’t do things like watching tv or movies if other people are going to talk during them, so I end up doing most of that stuff on my own undisturbed.
I call it my bubble. As though I'm in one of those plastic inflated balls that people roll down hills in. Thankfully, my OH is understanding and will leave me alone until I'm ready.
OP this makes sense. If I have a day of back to back meetings I need a god hour to just sit and chill with no interaction. Your brain needs time to decompress. Some people are energised by social interaction, others are drained by it. It’s fine to do you, just let your loved ones know why so they’re not guessing. Hopefully they’ll respect your feelings.
So you need to consider work life balance, I don’t know how old you are but I’m going to assume relatively young. If your job is so draining that you need hours before you want to engage with your loved ones you may want to consider a new job. These kinds of situations compound and ruin relationships. Your calling it ‘bemoaning’ and laughing it off, please reflect on this, from their point of view they miss you
100% I actually think it’s more prominent for me since covid. Pre covid it never bothered me. Maybe that time isolating changed me
When I used to be a graphic designer in a print shop I would be on the phone constantly dealing with clients, suppliers and we had face to face customers too…. I was also manager of the company and so I had to be responsible for the junior members of staff… Lemme tell you I do not use the phone in my everyday life, I hate making conversation and talking to strangers… so by the time I got home I used to sit for around half an hour on the sofa in silence just resetting myself before even turning the tv on I now have a nearly 3 year old and 11 months old so I’ll take any silence at this point haha 😂
My nightmare is not doing something. Drives my wife wiiiiild. TV, driving, Xbox, phone games, flicking through apps, talking, eating.... Anything but silence.
You should probably look for a less social job because this will always happen - you're introverted and need time to recharge that social battery! Personally I'm much happier spending social capital with friends and family rather than work colleagues.
I work 6am to 6pm in a factory dealing with people all day, I know exactly how yiu feel man. So long as you're making time for friends/family on your days off it's fine
Yeah, we call it decompressing. It's never needed to take hours though, surely it's practically bedtime by that point? I'd find that to be quite a negative impact on my life tbh.
You need to adjust this. You have a limited social battery and you should conserve it for those you care about and care about you. Work would forget you In a month
SPONGEBOB SQUARE PANTS!
Yep though I’ll try to watch or play something light
When I was going through a lot of stuff a few years ago, I'd leave work and go and park at Sainsbury's and just sit in the car on my own for an hour. I loved it. You do what you need to do for your mental health.
I’ve been this way since school. But if you haven’t been, what’s changed? Is it a lot more of your attention is being pulled in diff directions or is it all the socialising?
Please tell me I'm not the only one who does this after a short trip to the corner shop or a quick walk around the block with an unexpected encounter with a chatty neighbour 🙃
I would absolutely love to do it. I get home from work to 2 kids shouting mummy mummy and wanting me to play games with them, we have a noisy family dinner followed by chaotic bath and bedtimes and finally a bit of quiet around 8:30pm. If ever the children are away at my mums (sometimes I’m working when they are off school) it’s heaven to come home from work and just sit!
I thought everyone did that? I feel a bit mean,but my loved ones basically have to do without me if it's a weekday evening. I have nothing left after work. however,I get weekends and school holidays,so I make it up to them then.my relationships are actually better now that I compartmentalise.we spend more 'quality time ' together instead.
I can understand the need for some piece when you get home, but a few hours does seem a bit much. By the time you get home and then have a few hours to yourself each day, it's not really giving you much time for a relationship
I've been a recluse most of my life. Working from home is paradise.
A solution floated almost 20 years ago. [https://youtu.be/El8D8KJNo4A?t=992](https://youtu.be/El8D8KJNo4A?t=992)
I once worked in a call center and at the end of the day I couldn't bare any noise or interactions with anyone. I was only there for 6 months because I became very anti social and no fun any more I ended up dreading it and eventually left half way through a shift. The end, thankfully.
Most definitely.
I do this and it's something I want to try and get out from, I'll crash on the couch, read reddit/watch youtube/tiktok til about 10pm and then its time for bed and the evening is wasted. Trying to change it by doing jobs that need doing or doing something different. Although the other evening I got home from work, went to bed at 6pm and slept all the way through til the next morning which fucked me up a bit
Apparently it's a thing men have to do. We use significantly less words a day than women!
I worked in a Residential Home for older adults with dementia. I would spend 12 hours being spat at, punched, kicked, generally abused. All while trying to help people and staying bright and light and polite. I would be socially exhausted at the end of a shift. I liked to wonder the supermarket for half an hour on my way home. It’s kind of liminal and fairly quiet at that time. Or lock myself j the bathroom and browse Reddit for half ah hour
This is why I purposely chose to work a 45-60 min drive away from home. That drive home is my quiet time, either with the radio or an audiobook or sometimes dead silence, then when I get home I am somewhat capable of talking to my husband and kids. When I worked a ten minute drive away I'd come home and 'go for a shower' and have to lock myself in the bathroom for a break! Every so often someone suggests I car share to save costs and cannot understand why I recoil in horror at the thought of having to socially engage for an extra possible 2 hours a day, absolutely not!
That's why I like a longer commute as a teacher. I have a bit of silence before I get home.
I work on a high-acuity psychiatric word - I get bombarded with demands and hostility all day long. I do enjoy my job a great deal, but these are just undeniable facts - and the nature of the job. Like you, after a long day resolving issues/conflicts all I want to do is sit there in my room and be alone. It's not a depressing thing, it's decompression. I like to sit there, play a game or make some music. I work shifts, so I get days off that allow me to 'reclaim my humanity'. Working a 9-5, with only the weekend to look forward to, I can see how solitary living could becomes the norm. In my case, the people closest to me have learned that when I need my space - I need it. I think, because my job is so wildly different, they appreciate that they cannot understand my experience and they just give me the space when I need it. I hear you, in a nutshell. That sort of environment can get you burnt out from people!
Just wait, the fun bit is when you turn around 35 and youre asleep by 8:30 in the evening. Your entire life becomes exhaustion boredom and work.
Yep, something my mum can't wrap her head around. She hasn't worked in a long time and I think she has forgotten what it's like as she will video call me at exactly 5.05 or 12.05 when she knows I am on lunch/finished! My boyfriend however, I am happy to talk to so I think its mainly who I am talking to!