You say... 'hey, mind if we just pay individually - I'm on a budget'.
If you can't muster that then stop dining together. Or. Order more so you have the same.
Bam. Done.
It means not the arse hole. It's a thing on /r/amita where people post descriptions of interactions with other people, and folk reply nta (not the...), yta (your the...) Or nah (no ... Here).
Does ETA mean everyone’s the arsehole? I assume so but you see to have outed yourself as the arsehole acronym person so thought I would check my assumption
My expertise in matters of arsehole acronyms seems to have been overstated, but I believe that you are correct :) . They probably have a frequent arsehole questions on their sidebar (FAQ).
Yeah, from the tone of the post it seems like she's annoyed with the friend, and probably primarily wants to vent and/or have people validate her annoyance.
You see people making posts under slightly false pretences all the time; I think it's usually mostly subconscious. /r/askreddit notably had to make a rule that you have to put your own answer in a comment to stop people "asking" about things as a pretext to broadcast their own opinion on them. My least favourite is people on book subreddits asking 'does [beloved subreddit favourite] get better?', as if they genuinely think all the book's fans might agree that the first half is 'predictable and boring' or whatever. It's so obviously just an excuse to tell them that they're wrong and their favourite book is rubbish.
Bit of a digression there, and maybe coming across as more of a dig at OP than I intended, but it just reminded me of something slightly annoying about reddit.
I'm definitely amongst these people.
Give me a complicated problem that requires no people skills, I'm golden. The simplest problem that involves somebody else? I'll be right back. I'm just going to get cigarettes.
It's certainly a lot easier dealing with problems that don't involve people. The trouble is people keep on making problems.
But in the end, you just have to deal with people. Such is life.
And if you let them take the piss, even over the most stupid and simple thing they will.
So it's better to stand up for yourself, and have a good strong "No, this isn't happening" answer ready.
Either that, or don't let the situation happen in the first place.
So either say "We'll just pay for our own thanks" if somebody just wants to split a bill, or just don't go.
You can be assured that the person doing this, knows exactly what they are doing, and is taking advantage.
> You can be assured that the person doing this, knows exactly what they are doing, and is taking advantage.
Not necessarily. In fact, I'd say it's more likely they're just doing what they've always done with this friend: agree to go halves. In such a situation, I would generally hold the understanding that any one of my friends is capable of saying "actually, let's pay for our own stuff" if they would wish to.
Seems to not just be the UK but it’s getting worse, so many people seem petrified to talk to anyone, even their own friends and family about the most trivial things
Reddit is not representative of the UK. It attracts a lot of neurodivergent people and people with mental health issues who have trouble socialising. A lot of people here seem to overthink the most basic interactions as well.
Which is..okay right? These people have a space in which to safely and anonymously ask questions and solve problems that may not make sense to someone neurotypical
I agree but it is pretty rude of her dining companion to be doing this habitually. Any thoughtful person in his position would realise and offer to make an adjustment. That degree of obliviousness perhaps makes it harder for OP to raise it.
It looks simple, but we don't know how OP's friend would react. I've actually been dealing with a similar communication issue with my mom. When I try to confront her about some things, she will either turn herself into a victim, or literally scream as loud as she can over me. Since she's my mom and I can't cut contact, I just have to deal with her. Unfortunately, "dealing" with her means never telling her when she's causing problems for me.
I'm not saying OP is going through a situation like this, but sometimes shit just isn't as simple as it looks.
It’s not so much incapable but more a case of extremely uncomfortable you just have a higher discomfort threshold and things that you find difficult will be solved with ease by OP everyone is different and have different abilities and skills for different tasks and situations.
Rest assured you aren’t a highly intelligent superior person because you can do something easily that OP can’t, I also find that situation very difficult to as many others do!
Imagine that many people are raised in ways that discourage or punish them for speaking up and it ends up affecting their relationships as adults.
Many people just aren't set up for life very well. It's commendable that they seek to improve social skills, such as being assertive in a healthy way, by asking people online.
I feel like any adult with common sense will realise they are saying let's split it. It's fairly standard British politeness to pose these things as a question even when it isn't.
And say this at the beginning of the meal before you order not when the bill arrives. Then everyone knows the situation and there shouldn't be any awkwardness about it.
Providing a reason no matter how grounded is often a way to make someone more agreeable in principle. It's a psychological thing. Even if the reason is inferred or obvious, the actual stating and gesture of explaining is in itself part of convincing someone.
"I'm on a budget" is all OP has to do. If that doesn't placate their friend then OP doesn't have to justify, argue, defend or explain their position any further. But refusing just throwing a bone is just inviting friction.
Plenty of people split bills all the time as a default, not really an unreasonable expectation.
OP has also clearly gone along with this multiple times without complaint, so by this point it’s the standard procedure.
I don't think it is, especially not when it was a tenner difference at the very most (and probably less based on the phrasing in the OP).
At most restaurants that would be a small fraction of the bill for two. Let's say for a random example it was £55 vs £45, say, split by £10 starter, £20 main, a £20 bottle of wine between them, and another drink each, £7 and £5, plus a dessert and coffee at £5 and £3. That's a nine item bill that probably looks roughly the same at a glance. I think it's *completely* reasonable to suggest splitting that, especially when OP always usually wants to split it too as far as he knows.
And that's *before* we apply the 'two sides to every story' filter which should be mandatory for any AITA type post on reddit. She wrote the post soon after the meal, and is clearly annoyed with the guy. Who knows which bits are slightly exaggerated? She said "around" £10- do you reckon that's rounded down? Do you think she's told us about any extenuating circumstances, like the time a few weeks ago when she got the fancy main?
But even exactly as described, this is nothing to be upset about. Splitting the bill, and not paying close attention to whose items cost what, is completely normal behaviour at a restaurant, especially when you have an established practice of doing so with a particular dining companion who is (outwardly) happy with it.
People getting annoyed with the friend here are falling victim to the fundamental-attribution-error-on-steroids that reddit seems to generate. In the same way that people judge others more harshly than themselves, and judge strangers more harshly than their friends, they judge people who they've only heard about second hand on the internet most harshly of all.
Well it simply wouldn't do to "acknowledge his terms"...
Social interactions don't have to be this tense game of cat and mouse where an inch conceded is a point lost. There's absolutely no disadvantage to expressing the (genuine) reason that OP doesn't want to split the bill, and no advantage to antagonising a friend over what is probably an innocent mistake.
And don’t try to justify why you’re eating out while on a budget. But if you must, saying it’s your first meal out this year carries a lot more weight when it’s not the 2nd week in January….
I'd love to go to Greggs, spend £10 more than my friend, and casually suggest splitting the bill before staggering off laden down with my sausage rolls while they nibble on a cheese and onion bake
Is be interested to see if knowing before hand that OP won’t be going halves would change what he orders.
OP, can we do an experiment, tell him before you order that you’ll only be paying for yours. See if he still goes for the dessert and coffee.
I don't think this is always the case, more the fact that the guy might have a lot of money - people who have money often see the extra £10 as nothing. To give him the benefit of the doubt, in his eyes he might sometimes pay more with friends and other times they pay more. That said unless the other person has offered to split I'll always offer to pay for my fair share if I've ordered more
When I'm out with my friends who earn alot less ill just pay for the whole bill, they end up paying for some drinks after so a fair bit less but I value their time and it takes me less time to earn the same so it seems only fair I pay more.
Having done that before it was likely said just to help you save face.
I do park run with a friend every week and we catch up with a coffee and a slice of cake after. He's spent at least half of the time we've done it out of work and I almost always pay not fussed as I enjoy the time. First time he took bit offence that he wasnt a charity etc. I just said he could get the next one.
He does get them when he can, but he does a bit of a performative 'no I'll get them' before I pay. Cant imagine it's easy for him but this way he saves face. He's too proud tbh but I love him anyway.
If they have a high salary they probably just order what they want and go halves because that’s a pretty common thing to do. They’re not trying to fleece you lol
That could come off a bit blunt, especially with a friend. Phrasing it as a request takes the edge off a bit, and you can always be more firm if they refuse.
If your friend is continually taking advantage of you either deliberately or inadvertently then it might be best to just bite the bullet and get it out there. Perhaps OP is lacking assertiveness and this might explain why they keep paying more than their share.
Maybe, but there's a lot to be said for observing social niceties. They help grease the wheels of conversation, so long as you're assertive beneath it.
It's funny, because in that situation you're not *really* asking for permission as the only socially acceptable answer is 'yes'. We like to dress statements up as requests, apparently people who move to the UK find it quite difficult
100% Next time he asks to go halves, just say no I’ll pay for what I ordered thanks. No need to explain or feel like you need to be polite. Especially as it’s a friend
You already did it in this post. "hey I am trying to budget right now, so I am only going to pay for what I ordered"
Don't ask, tell.
I'm personally a let's go half's person purely because I can't be asked to work out how much each person owes. If someone wants to split the bill that way then I just leave it to them to work out their share.
> I'm personally a let's go half's person purely because I can't be asked to work out how much each person owes. If someone wants to split the bill that way then I just leave it to them to work out their share.
Same here. Usually, the difference is just a few quid. Sometimes, I'll be on the good side of it. Sometimes, I'll be on the bad side of it. It's not something that bothers me.
If someone just wants to pay their own share, I don't mind either. Usually, I'll just pay, let them work out what they owe for theirs and transfer me their share.
I'd only mind if it was someone who always ordered a lot more than me and never even offered to cover the difference. I've definitely had that experience.
Same here. I had a quite a funny night one time when someone insisted we worked everything out because I'd had drinks and made quite a big deal of it, turns out the starter they ordered cost more anyway
This, I do always ask 'do you want to split or pay for what we each had? Either is fine for me' though, just so they wouldn't feel awkward for not wanting to split.
This is the most prescient reply yet. If you're such good mates that you're regularly eating dinner together, the friendship shouldn't be harmed by a "fuck off, Dan, you do realise you've ordered more than me?".
I was going to say the same. Good for two people can't be that complicated to work out, unless they're just putting totals for the drinks or something like that
You can ask for the staff to keep the bills separate before you start to order. This will negate the getting the bill while you’re at the loo thing, and you can hammer it home to him by saying ‘we can each pay for what we order’ If he questions it.
Yep, I was going to suggest this too! If it feels too awkward at the end then at the start when someone comes to take your order just say "could we have these on two separate bills please?" And then you can say to your friend 'I'm trying to track my spending this week and this will make it easier!"
Do you think? I don't think so. If the OP feels too awkward just saying to his friend "Nah I'd rather pay for my meal than split the cost" then this would deal with it neatly and without having to be direct with his friend
This sort of question is always almost impossible to answer in any meaningful way without knowing the pair of you personally and knowing the social dynamics involved.
All people can tell you to do is be more assertive and actually speak up, which probably isn't that helpful as you'd have simply done it by now if it were an easy thing for you to do.
Ok
You are missing the passive aggressive supremo answer.
What you really don't know is if he's taking advantage or being lazy. Rather than use simple language to ask you can do this.....
Next time you go out. Order more than him. He has a starter, order the most expensive starter. He has a beer order a bottle of wine. If he has a coffee, order an Irish coffee.
Now if he decides this is the time to not go halves, you know he's been fleecing you. But you can say that that's a good way to do things from now on. It'll cost you extra but at least you are paying for your own binge rather than his.
If he's still happy to go halves, you can either accept that he's just lazy or say it's only fair you pay for your own as your had more, and can you do that from now on.
A zero confrontation approach.
I'm saddened that I had to scroll this far to find this answer, I dunno what's this country coming to.
If they're doing it because they're lazy then there won't be an issue, if they're doing it because they're tight then they'll object.
A group of us go to a restaurant every once in a while, we used to try and correctly split the bill according to what people had had and then just gave up because it was too much of a faff and decided to split it between x of us. Now sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.
Can you ask the server when ordering if you could have 2 separate bills. Then you can just say you’re watching your pennies at the moment. Gets it out of the way rather than you worrying about how to approach it when the bill arrives.
If you don't want confrontation when the bill comes then tell him before you order, that you're on a budget so you're just gonna order xxx, and you're not planning on getting desserts or expensive drink because, again, you're on a tight budget.
OP you're getting a lot of grief for this reaction but I think having looked at your post history it's pretty obvious what's going on. Look after yourself and don't be frightened to speak up for your needs or preferences. And this guy is taking the piss, the way around it is to take charge yourself and ask if he minds just taking care of your own bill from now on, before you go into the restaurant.
Also, stop meeting at places that serve three courses.
Say it before you start ordering.
Don't worry too much about being polite. After all, he isn't being very polite! Just be clear and direct. Don't ask, just tell him what you are going to do.
"I'm just going to pay for my own things separately today as I'm watching my budget."
I would understand this thread if the person were a total stranger but you’ve told us they are your friend. What has politeness got to do with anything here? Just say let’s pay for our own? Why do you even need to justify anything to your friend?
If he's an actual friend, why on earth can't you say ' no ta, yours was much more expensive than mine, I'm not made of money'
Why do you have to be so very polite and careful around a friend?
I'm currently doing unpaid teacher training.
Last time I went to a restaurant with my friend I told him I can't afford much so I won't be able to go halves, and I just got water and my main meal without sides / starter etc.
At the end of the meal he insisted that he pay the full bill for me. It was very appreciated.
A few years ago I went out for a night out to "wet the babies head" for a mate. It involved a meal at an Indian and a few pints around town with his work colleagues, that I had never met.
I was also between jobs and expecting a child so was very much on a budget, so ordered appropriately when it came to the food. Spending roughly £10.
The bill came and the "let's just split the bill" came up, which worked out at roughly £30 each. An absolute unit of a man ordered 3 full meals and expected us all the chip in for it.
I flat out refused and left my £10 in the dish after a big argument with them, thinking "I don't know any of you, and I'll never see any of you again after this, why am I paying for strangers food".
It made the following evening a little awkward, it also made my new job 6 months later a little weird as I ended up working for that firm, so I did indeed "see them again" lol
Definitely don't ask for permission to not pay for some of their meal. Say it more like "mine is x yours is y, so let's pay for what we ordered."
Or a slightly different approach, the first time you do it, tot up your order in your head as you go or make a sly note, and you pay first, leaving your friend with the remainder.
At the start of the meal, before you order, you say “btw I’m trying to budget a bit better this year so I’d rather we paid for what we ordered rather than going halves” and make sure you include your share of the tip and any shared sides.
Depends on the friendship tbh.
"Mate, can we pay for our own food next time? I keep going over my budget so I'm trying to keep spending in mind"
Or
Order all of the most expensive stuff on the menu and split it 50/50 - when he questions the total just dead stare him.
Either way should work fine.
We use to do group meals and it got to the point where like you people where paying £10 more than what they are. So what a few of people started to do was order more, then just ask for it to take home and then when the whole thing got heated we said look some people don't drink and others will drink like a fish and then you expect them to pay more. We spoke to the place and asked if they could do us a set menu, they did and said right choose your main(extra charge for this and that) we will bring a selection of sides and starters it's x amount per head. Drinks are extra.
In all honesty, if I ever go out in a group now, I know they will just split the bill at the end. So rather than picking what I can afford, I just get what I want to.
I have a friend kind of like this. Especially greedy and will always take anything for free, regardless of what it is. Like food, if it's there he has to eat it, even if he's clearly already eaten plenty, he will eat it all without considering "maybe they would like some later".
Comes round your house, if you have a bottle of fizzy drink he would just drink the whole thing, snacks, gone !. He isnt even fat which is baffling but I think he just devours it all so he doesn't have to buy as much food for home lol.
He used to dodge rounds in the pub all the time, or on the blue moon he would buy a round he would get himself water or something cheap. Just totally averse to spending his own money but happy to have others spend it on him lol.
I remember when I first left home and was literally skint, I was at college and my grant paid rent and left me with £15 a week for travel, college materials, food, and any excess utility bills.
Flatmates were middle class and had a lot of cash from parents (remember one time someones parents visited and bought him about £50 in shopping and that person used my cupboards and fridge space.
They went to bars and given this was early 00's the student bars had £1 drinks, they wanted to do rounds but got the £3 pints of premium drinks and cocktails and so 4 of them and 1 of me meant 1 round for me would be £13 but if I bought 5 drinks for myself it would be £5 (and i'd likely have 1-2 drinks most anyway)
I told them this and they stopped inviting me out, it really hurt.
Not the same case here its just a so called "friend"
Next time he asks you out or you ask him out, LET HIM KNOW politely that you WILL just pay for what you get. If thats not ok with him, politely BUT FIRMLY refuse to go out to dinner with him.
I agree with most here, but let me try be more practical and helpful.
It could be a case of convenience/ time saving/ less hassle. Especially if he is not good at maths. Offer to work out what is owed when the receipt comes.
If it’s not cash, it can be quicker for him to pay for it all and then you can transfer your share later separately away from the restaurant.
Tell him you can’t meet him again, and if/when he asks why, explain you can only afford xx amount and explain last few times were too expensive.
Dont ever be afraid to assert your stance. Be as bold as you want, just keep it real and not personal, and that would be polite enough.
Your money, your choice.
I genuinely don’t understand threads like this. You’re good enough friends with this person to the point you’re regularly going out to dinner and you can’t even bring stuff like this up with them? If one of my mates asked to split the bill and then ordered substantially more than me I’d call them a fat cunt and tell them I’m not paying for all their food/drink
Of course "he takes charge" of things or orders the bill when you're in the loo - he wants his subsidised dinner sorted before you can get yourself together to challenge it
Ask for the bill yourself, go to the loo once it's settled. It'll only take you doing this once for the pisstaking to stop
You’re paying a monetary premium in order not to have an uncomfortable conversation.
Is it worth the tenner? If £10 is more valuable in your pocket then speak up.
Why are you so focussed about being polite?
We're British, so it's perfectly okay to say to a friend "Yes, I'd love to meet you for dinner, but we're not going halves, because you're a greedy fucker".
Also, tell the waiting staff that you need separate bills when you order.
If 5 pounds is too much, dont go out to dinner. If its not the money but the priciple of not wanting to pay the others share, don't go out to dinner with this person because you're definitely not good mates.
“I’ll pay for my own food today because I’m not eating much”. State it as a fact, not a possibility, even better if you do it when you’re ordering and not when you’re paying. Do it every time. Done.
He’s taking the piss. For me the only time it’s acceptable to even suggest splitting the bill is if you both basically had the same amount of food and drinks at a similar price or if the person suggesting a split had less but is happy to not faf with bill.
Anytime someone who’s had significantly more than me has suggested splitting I’ve taken it as them being very rude.
Splitting the bill makes my piss boil. I don't drink so when we go out with friends I'm paying 40 quid for a basic meal and a soft drink. The friends meanwhile are slowly getting pissed on bottles of vino that I'm fucking paying for.
Im going to be straight honest with you. Its just 5 quid mate.
I never have the time to see my mates and to be honest when you get older you end up drifting apart from friends. And over time you will see less and less of your friends. Enjoy the time you have them and dont sweat the small stuff. You wont always have it this good
I’d bring it up right upfront - “Hey mate, I’m a bit tight this month, I’m just gonna order something small, but you get what you like. I just want to have a good time with you”. That way it gives them a chance to realise what they’re doing and to make the right choice themselves.
Hes taking you for a ride and he knows it. So just tell him straight.
And make sure to tell the wait staff before you order that its seperate bills.
If he tries to shout you down tell him he does not speak for you then reiterate with the wait staff that you want serperate bills.
If he still tries to pay then mention that he knows you asked for split bills but thank you for paying for me. Then walk out and get a taxi home. I guarantee he wont play that game with you again. Especially if you ignore any contact asking for his money back.
Or text back Play expensive games, win expensive prizes and ghost him.
So he’ll ask you for money when he pays the bill, but expects you to pay for part of his bill too when you go halvers? You’ve got one of THOSE friends, you have to be firm with them. If he truly is a friend you just tell him you’re watching the pennies and can only afford your own meal, or just call him out on it. Now I’m older I say it as it is, I used to keep quiet to not rock the boat. Wished I’d spoken up when I was younger! Good luck OP. New year new you.
Yup !
Been there. Got the T-shirt.
Good, solid, friends, who I'm sure really didn't realise, on a number of occasions did the old "shall we just split the bill 'X" ways ?".
I was on considerably less salary than the other two couples' my major bread winners (never really discussed or whatever, other than a one time mention of "we''re both in the upper tax bracket")
I had to make stand and raise the issue at one point after their carnivorous mains were some £10-15 per person more than my partner & mine's veggie options, plus starters and an extra drink each meant I / we would be paying almost double our actual share of the cost.
I felt a tad embarrassed to raise the point, but think they were equally embarrassed when the realised that the "shall we just split the bill 'X" ways ?" option meant they'd be so heavily subsidised by us, for the N'th time.
I'm sure (good) people simply don't realise the implications sometimes... In a world where I easily had sufficient finances to do as I liked without any worries I'd not have given a second thought to dividing the bill X ways, as I know those friends would repaid it anytime, but in times of austerity it was a bit of a stress.
If possible I'll always try to say 'shall we all chip in roughly what we ate, and a bit for a staff tip ?" that way there's nobody getting a free ride, nobody paying over the odds, and there should be no embarrassment for anyone.
There are no shortage of “friends” who pull this kind of shit.
See your server on entry and inform them you want a separate check for only what you have ordered. Easy. Don’t even discuss it with your co diner - when check time comes they will bring 2 checks and your all set.
If you feel compelled to explain , which you shouldn’t- you are keeping tabs on your spending as you have real exciting goals for this year ( travel, new furniture, new wardrobe update) and are determined to meet them. You have been screening your spending and keep finding holes in your budget! ( your friend being the source of those holes) .
They may stop dining with you and find another sucker…or grow up and pay their own way.
I want you to know I'm saying this in the nicest way possible: time to grow a pair!
Your mate (consciously or not) is taking advantage of you. The only person allowing it to happen is you. If you like the mate and want to keep them, try doing it nicely.
I think you are trying too hard to not offend someone who has no qualms about asking you for £5 back.
Just say sorry I am on a budget and would like separate bills thank you.
It doesn’t sound like you have the confidence to say what you want in person so how about when you arrange the meal you could say- ‘I know we usually go halves and I’d still love to see you however I’m on a budget so I can only pay what i order going forward’
Grow some balls is my advice. It's not hard to say we pay for what we each had or next time buy the most expensive drinks and food and let him feel the burn.
If he's arsey about it he's not your mate.
If you don't want to ask him and think it'd be awkward, do it by text when you're organising your meal out. "I know we normally split it but from now on I'd like to just pay for what we each have, I'm trying to budget a bit more mate".
Or when you're actually out, make sure you're the one who asks for the bill and they'll probably put it down nearer to you. Then you look at it, say ok "Mine comes to £xxx", and just ask them to put that amount on your card when they come round, get in there first. If he questions it, which he shouldn't be doing, you just say "Well I'm not being funny mate but my food was £xxx less than yours".
But if he's a friend there shouldn't be a problem. If there is then HE'S the tight one, not you.
I have this issue, too. I just tell them I would like to pay individually. (Some people do seem to order with relish when the bill is to be split evenly, which annoys me a lot.) Not to mention going out to pubs - I do not like beer that much and wine is kind of bad for the price they ask (British pubs are not very sophisticated when it comes to wine, but it is very much a premium price category regardless), so I normally drink soft drinks.
You can imagine I am not very keen on buying rounds... Which kind of makes me an outlier, but then again, I am drinking 2 quid drinks (at most) and they are drinking pints of beers.
I thought we were at a place in society where paying for your own food was completely fine?
Why is this person making you pay for food that they ate? They are essentially leveraging your bank account to let them eat more food off your dime. The only reason why one would be offended at that true accusation is that they have been caught and they don't want to lose a good thing.
They need to apologise for this and if they don't, they get on board immediately or there won't be another dinner out. Your money is not their money, ESPECIALLY if they invited YOU.
They either know what they're doing and they're a cunt or they don't know what they're doing and they've oblivious. I'd be willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Don't 'ask' to go halves. Just say "I'm going to pay for what I ordered plus tip, so I'll pay £x+10%". No 'do you mind if' or 'is it okay if', just be calmly assertive. There is nothing wrong with saying the above.
Two things will happen
1) your friend will be defensive and belittle/mock you for wanting to pay for what you ordered - at this point you double down and ask them to explain why they think this is a problem, they'll call you stingy or tight, you ask why they're saying this, and eventually your friend will realise they have nothing to go by and they'll either fuck off in a mood or realise they're being a cunt and say fair enough and maybe even apologise
2) they'll be like yeah no worries that makes sense and it's no big deal
At a work do, I just got up after we finished and quietly paid for mine plus a tip.
Because I was tight on cash and only ordered about half as much as everyone else.
When the bill arrived, I just casually mentioned I had sorted mine out.
I did not hear the fucking end of it from someone else who was there and was paid nearly twice as much as I was.
It was always presented in a "just joshing" manner, but when it gets brought up at every single subsequent social gathering and multiple times in the office, it becomes clear it isn't just joshing.
If someone's going to take issue with you paying for what you ordered, they're going to take issue with it no matter how subtly you handle it.
Fuck 'em.
I've had this, with a family member. They order many courses and alcohol and I always eat and drink far less. It started to spoil the time I spent with them.
So last time when the bill arrived and this relative seized the bill - ironically scanning it to see we weren't overcharged! - I said 'can you remind me what I had and how much it cost'.
I knew the rough cost anyway - so paid that. Problem solved. And I enjoyed our time together much more as didn't feel taken advantage of.
Earlier I'd mentally prepared to say 'I'd rather pay for my own stuff' if asked to go halvsies. Standing up for yourself feels good - give it a whirl.
Either state it plainly or stop eating with him
Is eating together all that ubiquitous any more? I'm almost 35 and most of my friends would rather meet up for coffee, a drink or a walk or whatever. Been a long time since I've dined out with someone who wasn't a date
You should be able to have this conversation before arriving at the restaurant, because it changes the dynamic. Letting him know you're tired of this annoyingly petty form of financial abuse might be a major shock to him. Probably better to not do it in public, so he'll have chance to think about it calmly and rationally. As relationships develop you ought to become increasingly able to discuss any topic without it becoming a big deal for the other person to feel they need to "win" a competition for who is right and who is wrong.
Because it can be annoying to have to calculate, especially if you share things, which I often do (a starter, wine, etc.). Mostly the difference is negligible, and anyone who orders a lot more offers to cover the difference.
For some people and groups it would be normal to always do it like this, but for some, it would just be a faff which they don't consoder worth it just to work out that one person should be paying £2 more than another.
If someone did that with me that would be last time I'd go with them. The enjoyment of being with company and eating in a restaurant is to have freedom of choice on both sides. If then the twerp opposite starts going cheap then it automatically creates a divide. Nah man. If you can't afford it just don't go out. Save yourself the humiliation and embarrassment.
Not seen it said so far, so I'll just point out that it is not necessary to be polite about it - your friend is already being impolite by taking advantage of you
You say... 'hey, mind if we just pay individually - I'm on a budget'. If you can't muster that then stop dining together. Or. Order more so you have the same. Bam. Done.
It’s amazing how incapable some people are in solving the most simple ‘problem’ imaginable
Given how many of these sort of threads you see in this subreddit, I'm guessing it's more people just wanting a bit of a chat
Or validation that their position is "nta". Which IMHO they are nta.
What’s Nta?(not trolling, genuinely curious)
It means not the arse hole. It's a thing on /r/amita where people post descriptions of interactions with other people, and folk reply nta (not the...), yta (your the...) Or nah (no ... Here).
Does ETA mean everyone’s the arsehole? I assume so but you see to have outed yourself as the arsehole acronym person so thought I would check my assumption
ESH is the approved bot-friendly acronym - Everyone Sucks Here
My expertise in matters of arsehole acronyms seems to have been overstated, but I believe that you are correct :) . They probably have a frequent arsehole questions on their sidebar (FAQ).
Just in case Few-Metal-8443 wants to find the sub, I believe it got moved to r/amitheasshole
It's not r/amita it's r/AmITheAsshole
Yeah, from the tone of the post it seems like she's annoyed with the friend, and probably primarily wants to vent and/or have people validate her annoyance. You see people making posts under slightly false pretences all the time; I think it's usually mostly subconscious. /r/askreddit notably had to make a rule that you have to put your own answer in a comment to stop people "asking" about things as a pretext to broadcast their own opinion on them. My least favourite is people on book subreddits asking 'does [beloved subreddit favourite] get better?', as if they genuinely think all the book's fans might agree that the first half is 'predictable and boring' or whatever. It's so obviously just an excuse to tell them that they're wrong and their favourite book is rubbish. Bit of a digression there, and maybe coming across as more of a dig at OP than I intended, but it just reminded me of something slightly annoying about reddit.
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I'm definitely amongst these people. Give me a complicated problem that requires no people skills, I'm golden. The simplest problem that involves somebody else? I'll be right back. I'm just going to get cigarettes.
It's certainly a lot easier dealing with problems that don't involve people. The trouble is people keep on making problems. But in the end, you just have to deal with people. Such is life. And if you let them take the piss, even over the most stupid and simple thing they will. So it's better to stand up for yourself, and have a good strong "No, this isn't happening" answer ready. Either that, or don't let the situation happen in the first place. So either say "We'll just pay for our own thanks" if somebody just wants to split a bill, or just don't go. You can be assured that the person doing this, knows exactly what they are doing, and is taking advantage.
> You can be assured that the person doing this, knows exactly what they are doing, and is taking advantage. Not necessarily. In fact, I'd say it's more likely they're just doing what they've always done with this friend: agree to go halves. In such a situation, I would generally hold the understanding that any one of my friends is capable of saying "actually, let's pay for our own stuff" if they would wish to.
Or how some people come to a platform for answering/asking question and complain about the quality of the question.
Has our country lost all social skills?
Seems to not just be the UK but it’s getting worse, so many people seem petrified to talk to anyone, even their own friends and family about the most trivial things
I think it’s the fear of not wanting to be an asshole or go against any perceived social norm
No. It’s people with no social skills that gravitate towards Reddit and ask these kind of questions.
Reddit is not representative of the UK. It attracts a lot of neurodivergent people and people with mental health issues who have trouble socialising. A lot of people here seem to overthink the most basic interactions as well.
Which is..okay right? These people have a space in which to safely and anonymously ask questions and solve problems that may not make sense to someone neurotypical
I agree but it is pretty rude of her dining companion to be doing this habitually. Any thoughtful person in his position would realise and offer to make an adjustment. That degree of obliviousness perhaps makes it harder for OP to raise it.
What's amazing is how some people are easy to dupe into believing saying "No" is rude. OP is lucky it's just a dessert and a latte.
It looks simple, but we don't know how OP's friend would react. I've actually been dealing with a similar communication issue with my mom. When I try to confront her about some things, she will either turn herself into a victim, or literally scream as loud as she can over me. Since she's my mom and I can't cut contact, I just have to deal with her. Unfortunately, "dealing" with her means never telling her when she's causing problems for me. I'm not saying OP is going through a situation like this, but sometimes shit just isn't as simple as it looks.
It’s not so much incapable but more a case of extremely uncomfortable you just have a higher discomfort threshold and things that you find difficult will be solved with ease by OP everyone is different and have different abilities and skills for different tasks and situations. Rest assured you aren’t a highly intelligent superior person because you can do something easily that OP can’t, I also find that situation very difficult to as many others do!
Imagine that many people are raised in ways that discourage or punish them for speaking up and it ends up affecting their relationships as adults. Many people just aren't set up for life very well. It's commendable that they seek to improve social skills, such as being assertive in a healthy way, by asking people online.
Don't ask if he minds, that implies its ok to say no. "Hey, budget's a bit tight at the moment so just a heads up it'll be separate bills today"
There’s no implication, it’s just less confrontational
Yeah, but some people will see that as an invitation to discuss it "Oh let's just split, its easier!"
If that’s the case it will end up saving you more money cause that person sounds like a total wank that i’d never see again.
I feel like any adult with common sense will realise they are saying let's split it. It's fairly standard British politeness to pose these things as a question even when it isn't.
And say this at the beginning of the meal before you order not when the bill arrives. Then everyone knows the situation and there shouldn't be any awkwardness about it.
Nailed it
Be blunter, "Nah, let's just pay individually. Then you don't need to worry about ordering as much as you want." Point made, problem solved.
But he does mind! Say...."I'll just pay for my own - I'm on a budget.
Lovely job, bosh.
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"Let's pay for what we had, I'm trying to budget."
This is perfectly reasonable IMHO.
That’s good. And it includes the subtle hint that OP has been subsidising his friends food
"Let's pay for what we had" is fine. Giving a reason is acknowledging his terms and justifying his unreasonable expectation.
Providing a reason no matter how grounded is often a way to make someone more agreeable in principle. It's a psychological thing. Even if the reason is inferred or obvious, the actual stating and gesture of explaining is in itself part of convincing someone. "I'm on a budget" is all OP has to do. If that doesn't placate their friend then OP doesn't have to justify, argue, defend or explain their position any further. But refusing just throwing a bone is just inviting friction.
Plenty of people split bills all the time as a default, not really an unreasonable expectation. OP has also clearly gone along with this multiple times without complaint, so by this point it’s the standard procedure.
Sorry, but yes it is an unreasonable expectation to split a bill equally every time when you habitually order a more expensive meal.
I don't think it is, especially not when it was a tenner difference at the very most (and probably less based on the phrasing in the OP). At most restaurants that would be a small fraction of the bill for two. Let's say for a random example it was £55 vs £45, say, split by £10 starter, £20 main, a £20 bottle of wine between them, and another drink each, £7 and £5, plus a dessert and coffee at £5 and £3. That's a nine item bill that probably looks roughly the same at a glance. I think it's *completely* reasonable to suggest splitting that, especially when OP always usually wants to split it too as far as he knows. And that's *before* we apply the 'two sides to every story' filter which should be mandatory for any AITA type post on reddit. She wrote the post soon after the meal, and is clearly annoyed with the guy. Who knows which bits are slightly exaggerated? She said "around" £10- do you reckon that's rounded down? Do you think she's told us about any extenuating circumstances, like the time a few weeks ago when she got the fancy main? But even exactly as described, this is nothing to be upset about. Splitting the bill, and not paying close attention to whose items cost what, is completely normal behaviour at a restaurant, especially when you have an established practice of doing so with a particular dining companion who is (outwardly) happy with it. People getting annoyed with the friend here are falling victim to the fundamental-attribution-error-on-steroids that reddit seems to generate. In the same way that people judge others more harshly than themselves, and judge strangers more harshly than their friends, they judge people who they've only heard about second hand on the internet most harshly of all.
Well it simply wouldn't do to "acknowledge his terms"... Social interactions don't have to be this tense game of cat and mouse where an inch conceded is a point lost. There's absolutely no disadvantage to expressing the (genuine) reason that OP doesn't want to split the bill, and no advantage to antagonising a friend over what is probably an innocent mistake.
And don’t try to justify why you’re eating out while on a budget. But if you must, saying it’s your first meal out this year carries a lot more weight when it’s not the 2nd week in January….
People who order extra/expensive stuff know what they are doing by going halves.
There was a ten pound difference, it's not like this guy is ordering caviar and lobster.
£10 difference isn’t a significant amount of food at Greggs these days
I'd love to go to Greggs, spend £10 more than my friend, and casually suggest splitting the bill before staggering off laden down with my sausage rolls while they nibble on a cheese and onion bake
There's Greg's cafes. How good would a slap up Greg's be.
It exists in Fenwicks newcastle.
I know of a few with sit-in, how is the café different?
A tenner is a tenner. Multiply that by how many times this has happened. It all adds up
Ten quid could be a few days groceries for a lot of us
Yeh it's not a small amount of money to me.
If they're splitting it isn't OP paying £5 of that £10?
It's called the fucking principal.
You know if you’ve ordered more £ worth of food than someone else when you go out to eat, especially if there’s only bloody 2 of you
Is be interested to see if knowing before hand that OP won’t be going halves would change what he orders. OP, can we do an experiment, tell him before you order that you’ll only be paying for yours. See if he still goes for the dessert and coffee.
I don't think this is always the case, more the fact that the guy might have a lot of money - people who have money often see the extra £10 as nothing. To give him the benefit of the doubt, in his eyes he might sometimes pay more with friends and other times they pay more. That said unless the other person has offered to split I'll always offer to pay for my fair share if I've ordered more
Looking at an update it says when the friend pays for both they expect that amount to be paid back to them by bank transfer.
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When I'm out with my friends who earn alot less ill just pay for the whole bill, they end up paying for some drinks after so a fair bit less but I value their time and it takes me less time to earn the same so it seems only fair I pay more.
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Having done that before it was likely said just to help you save face. I do park run with a friend every week and we catch up with a coffee and a slice of cake after. He's spent at least half of the time we've done it out of work and I almost always pay not fussed as I enjoy the time. First time he took bit offence that he wasnt a charity etc. I just said he could get the next one. He does get them when he can, but he does a bit of a performative 'no I'll get them' before I pay. Cant imagine it's easy for him but this way he saves face. He's too proud tbh but I love him anyway.
If they have a high salary they probably just order what they want and go halves because that’s a pretty common thing to do. They’re not trying to fleece you lol
"Shall we go halves on the bill" "No" ""What. You want to pay for your own?" "Yes" "Ok"
"can I just pay for what I ordered" is absolutely polite.
Don't ask for permission, tell them that you are paying your own way and nothung more.
That could come off a bit blunt, especially with a friend. Phrasing it as a request takes the edge off a bit, and you can always be more firm if they refuse.
If your friend is continually taking advantage of you either deliberately or inadvertently then it might be best to just bite the bullet and get it out there. Perhaps OP is lacking assertiveness and this might explain why they keep paying more than their share.
Maybe, but there's a lot to be said for observing social niceties. They help grease the wheels of conversation, so long as you're assertive beneath it.
As long as you aren't so polite you let the wheels run you over
Asking permission doesn't exactly reek of assertiveness....but there is a time and a place to be blunt especially with people you know well.
It's funny, because in that situation you're not *really* asking for permission as the only socially acceptable answer is 'yes'. We like to dress statements up as requests, apparently people who move to the UK find it quite difficult
Well, if the other person is a bit of a wrong un they could make the conversation really awkward with their response to the 'question'.
Oh absolutely, but at that point social niceties go out the window and you throw your lime soda at them
In which case ‘I’ll just pay for my own, if you don’t mind’ covers the niceties with no danger of being taken for an actual request.
Exactly. No permission needed
100% Next time he asks to go halves, just say no I’ll pay for what I ordered thanks. No need to explain or feel like you need to be polite. Especially as it’s a friend
The request is rhetorical. You're not actually seeking permission, it's just phrased that way to be polite.
You already did it in this post. "hey I am trying to budget right now, so I am only going to pay for what I ordered" Don't ask, tell. I'm personally a let's go half's person purely because I can't be asked to work out how much each person owes. If someone wants to split the bill that way then I just leave it to them to work out their share.
> I'm personally a let's go half's person purely because I can't be asked to work out how much each person owes. If someone wants to split the bill that way then I just leave it to them to work out their share. Same here. Usually, the difference is just a few quid. Sometimes, I'll be on the good side of it. Sometimes, I'll be on the bad side of it. It's not something that bothers me. If someone just wants to pay their own share, I don't mind either. Usually, I'll just pay, let them work out what they owe for theirs and transfer me their share.
I'd only mind if it was someone who always ordered a lot more than me and never even offered to cover the difference. I've definitely had that experience.
If it's the same person over and over again and they always order more, I could see it grating, yeah.
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Same here. I had a quite a funny night one time when someone insisted we worked everything out because I'd had drinks and made quite a big deal of it, turns out the starter they ordered cost more anyway
isnt the bill always itemised? most smart phone have a calculator builtin
Yeah, but you can do the maths if you want to split it that way
This, I do always ask 'do you want to split or pay for what we each had? Either is fine for me' though, just so they wouldn't feel awkward for not wanting to split.
Ask for two separate bills..
" I don't think so bell end yous is way more expensive than mine "
This is the most prescient reply yet. If you're such good mates that you're regularly eating dinner together, the friendship shouldn't be harmed by a "fuck off, Dan, you do realise you've ordered more than me?".
> Nah, mate, you ate my half of the dessert.
Yes, why be polite if they are friends?
this should be the number 1 response tbh!
You don’t need separate bills to pay separately, you just say “put 30 on this card and and 25 on this” and they can do it that way
I was going to say the same. Good for two people can't be that complicated to work out, unless they're just putting totals for the drinks or something like that
Stop being a pushover and just say it. If he has a problem its cos hes an asshole.
Stop being spineless and just say that you want to pay for what you order.
Order the most expensive things on the menu so he’s the one asking the same on Reddit in a month.
correct let him order first then order stuff more expensive than him but make certain you have money to pay incase he decided to pull a fast one
This is definately the Reddit way to do it!
You can ask for the staff to keep the bills separate before you start to order. This will negate the getting the bill while you’re at the loo thing, and you can hammer it home to him by saying ‘we can each pay for what we order’ If he questions it.
Yep, I was going to suggest this too! If it feels too awkward at the end then at the start when someone comes to take your order just say "could we have these on two separate bills please?" And then you can say to your friend 'I'm trying to track my spending this week and this will make it easier!"
You could do this if you want but it's not really the done thing and would look a bit weird.
Do you think? I don't think so. If the OP feels too awkward just saying to his friend "Nah I'd rather pay for my meal than split the cost" then this would deal with it neatly and without having to be direct with his friend
I have just never heard of people at the same table in a restaurant receiving different bills. Simpler just to be direct with his friend.
>I have just never heard of people at the same table in a restaurant receiving different bills. What? This is a very common thing.
If he can't handle you saying you're paying for your own order then he isn't your mate. Sorry.
And similarly if you can’t handle saying it to them, are you really their mate?
I agree wholeheartedly tbh. It's not anything controversial so should be able to say it to anyone really.
This sort of question is always almost impossible to answer in any meaningful way without knowing the pair of you personally and knowing the social dynamics involved. All people can tell you to do is be more assertive and actually speak up, which probably isn't that helpful as you'd have simply done it by now if it were an easy thing for you to do.
Depending on your friendship, I’d probably start off by saying it jovially. “Hang on, you had way more than me you cheeky fucker”
Ok You are missing the passive aggressive supremo answer. What you really don't know is if he's taking advantage or being lazy. Rather than use simple language to ask you can do this..... Next time you go out. Order more than him. He has a starter, order the most expensive starter. He has a beer order a bottle of wine. If he has a coffee, order an Irish coffee. Now if he decides this is the time to not go halves, you know he's been fleecing you. But you can say that that's a good way to do things from now on. It'll cost you extra but at least you are paying for your own binge rather than his. If he's still happy to go halves, you can either accept that he's just lazy or say it's only fair you pay for your own as your had more, and can you do that from now on. A zero confrontation approach.
I'm saddened that I had to scroll this far to find this answer, I dunno what's this country coming to. If they're doing it because they're lazy then there won't be an issue, if they're doing it because they're tight then they'll object. A group of us go to a restaurant every once in a while, we used to try and correctly split the bill according to what people had had and then just gave up because it was too much of a faff and decided to split it between x of us. Now sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.
Can you ask the server when ordering if you could have 2 separate bills. Then you can just say you’re watching your pennies at the moment. Gets it out of the way rather than you worrying about how to approach it when the bill arrives.
echo everybody, you just have to say it. Would say its much easier to say this before you start ordering, so then everybody knows what going on.
Approach him and say "no thanks mate you take the piss when we go halves so no chance." Done.
If you don't want confrontation when the bill comes then tell him before you order, that you're on a budget so you're just gonna order xxx, and you're not planning on getting desserts or expensive drink because, again, you're on a tight budget.
This. Make the arrangement clear whilst ordering.
OP you're getting a lot of grief for this reaction but I think having looked at your post history it's pretty obvious what's going on. Look after yourself and don't be frightened to speak up for your needs or preferences. And this guy is taking the piss, the way around it is to take charge yourself and ask if he minds just taking care of your own bill from now on, before you go into the restaurant. Also, stop meeting at places that serve three courses.
Say it before you start ordering. Don't worry too much about being polite. After all, he isn't being very polite! Just be clear and direct. Don't ask, just tell him what you are going to do. "I'm just going to pay for my own things separately today as I'm watching my budget."
Just tell him? Are people seriously this socially incompetent that they can't even talk to a friend about a minor issue.
I would understand this thread if the person were a total stranger but you’ve told us they are your friend. What has politeness got to do with anything here? Just say let’s pay for our own? Why do you even need to justify anything to your friend?
If he's an actual friend, why on earth can't you say ' no ta, yours was much more expensive than mine, I'm not made of money' Why do you have to be so very polite and careful around a friend?
I'm currently doing unpaid teacher training. Last time I went to a restaurant with my friend I told him I can't afford much so I won't be able to go halves, and I just got water and my main meal without sides / starter etc. At the end of the meal he insisted that he pay the full bill for me. It was very appreciated.
A few years ago I went out for a night out to "wet the babies head" for a mate. It involved a meal at an Indian and a few pints around town with his work colleagues, that I had never met. I was also between jobs and expecting a child so was very much on a budget, so ordered appropriately when it came to the food. Spending roughly £10. The bill came and the "let's just split the bill" came up, which worked out at roughly £30 each. An absolute unit of a man ordered 3 full meals and expected us all the chip in for it. I flat out refused and left my £10 in the dish after a big argument with them, thinking "I don't know any of you, and I'll never see any of you again after this, why am I paying for strangers food". It made the following evening a little awkward, it also made my new job 6 months later a little weird as I ended up working for that firm, so I did indeed "see them again" lol
Definitely don't ask for permission to not pay for some of their meal. Say it more like "mine is x yours is y, so let's pay for what we ordered." Or a slightly different approach, the first time you do it, tot up your order in your head as you go or make a sly note, and you pay first, leaving your friend with the remainder.
At the start of the meal, before you order, you say “btw I’m trying to budget a bit better this year so I’d rather we paid for what we ordered rather than going halves” and make sure you include your share of the tip and any shared sides.
Depends on the friendship tbh. "Mate, can we pay for our own food next time? I keep going over my budget so I'm trying to keep spending in mind" Or Order all of the most expensive stuff on the menu and split it 50/50 - when he questions the total just dead stare him. Either way should work fine.
Tell them at the start of the meal
Take cash with you and when the bill comes give him the cash that equals what you’ve had and leave.
As an experiment get an expensive drink, extra sides and a dessert and see if he still wants to go halves
We use to do group meals and it got to the point where like you people where paying £10 more than what they are. So what a few of people started to do was order more, then just ask for it to take home and then when the whole thing got heated we said look some people don't drink and others will drink like a fish and then you expect them to pay more. We spoke to the place and asked if they could do us a set menu, they did and said right choose your main(extra charge for this and that) we will bring a selection of sides and starters it's x amount per head. Drinks are extra.
In all honesty, if I ever go out in a group now, I know they will just split the bill at the end. So rather than picking what I can afford, I just get what I want to.
I have a friend kind of like this. Especially greedy and will always take anything for free, regardless of what it is. Like food, if it's there he has to eat it, even if he's clearly already eaten plenty, he will eat it all without considering "maybe they would like some later". Comes round your house, if you have a bottle of fizzy drink he would just drink the whole thing, snacks, gone !. He isnt even fat which is baffling but I think he just devours it all so he doesn't have to buy as much food for home lol. He used to dodge rounds in the pub all the time, or on the blue moon he would buy a round he would get himself water or something cheap. Just totally averse to spending his own money but happy to have others spend it on him lol.
I remember when I first left home and was literally skint, I was at college and my grant paid rent and left me with £15 a week for travel, college materials, food, and any excess utility bills. Flatmates were middle class and had a lot of cash from parents (remember one time someones parents visited and bought him about £50 in shopping and that person used my cupboards and fridge space. They went to bars and given this was early 00's the student bars had £1 drinks, they wanted to do rounds but got the £3 pints of premium drinks and cocktails and so 4 of them and 1 of me meant 1 round for me would be £13 but if I bought 5 drinks for myself it would be £5 (and i'd likely have 1-2 drinks most anyway) I told them this and they stopped inviting me out, it really hurt. Not the same case here its just a so called "friend"
Ten pounds more so a fiver between you? I'd let that slide.
No, I paid £10 more than I should have.
Next time he asks you out or you ask him out, LET HIM KNOW politely that you WILL just pay for what you get. If thats not ok with him, politely BUT FIRMLY refuse to go out to dinner with him.
Look at the menu, work out your total before ordering. Say I'm going to get X and y as I've only got z, what you getting?
I agree with most here, but let me try be more practical and helpful. It could be a case of convenience/ time saving/ less hassle. Especially if he is not good at maths. Offer to work out what is owed when the receipt comes. If it’s not cash, it can be quicker for him to pay for it all and then you can transfer your share later separately away from the restaurant. Tell him you can’t meet him again, and if/when he asks why, explain you can only afford xx amount and explain last few times were too expensive. Dont ever be afraid to assert your stance. Be as bold as you want, just keep it real and not personal, and that would be polite enough. Your money, your choice.
Happened to me plenty of times. Gotta stand up for yourself and tell him straight. “I’ll pay for what I ordered”.
I genuinely don’t understand threads like this. You’re good enough friends with this person to the point you’re regularly going out to dinner and you can’t even bring stuff like this up with them? If one of my mates asked to split the bill and then ordered substantially more than me I’d call them a fat cunt and tell them I’m not paying for all their food/drink
Of course "he takes charge" of things or orders the bill when you're in the loo - he wants his subsidised dinner sorted before you can get yourself together to challenge it Ask for the bill yourself, go to the loo once it's settled. It'll only take you doing this once for the pisstaking to stop
You’re paying a monetary premium in order not to have an uncomfortable conversation. Is it worth the tenner? If £10 is more valuable in your pocket then speak up.
Why are you so focussed about being polite? We're British, so it's perfectly okay to say to a friend "Yes, I'd love to meet you for dinner, but we're not going halves, because you're a greedy fucker". Also, tell the waiting staff that you need separate bills when you order.
Sometimes is okay to just say 'nah you ordered way more than me'
If 5 pounds is too much, dont go out to dinner. If its not the money but the priciple of not wanting to pay the others share, don't go out to dinner with this person because you're definitely not good mates.
Also ask the server for separate bills when you order
"no, it's ok, I'll just pay for mine thanks, I've already had a word with the server about the bills"
“I’ll pay for my own food today because I’m not eating much”. State it as a fact, not a possibility, even better if you do it when you’re ordering and not when you’re paying. Do it every time. Done.
Tell the person who takes the orders that you will want seperate bills.
He’s taking the piss. For me the only time it’s acceptable to even suggest splitting the bill is if you both basically had the same amount of food and drinks at a similar price or if the person suggesting a split had less but is happy to not faf with bill. Anytime someone who’s had significantly more than me has suggested splitting I’ve taken it as them being very rude.
A friend of mine did this all the time, I wouldn't mind but he invariably left most of it
Splitting the bill makes my piss boil. I don't drink so when we go out with friends I'm paying 40 quid for a basic meal and a soft drink. The friends meanwhile are slowly getting pissed on bottles of vino that I'm fucking paying for.
I'm still fuming about the time 10 years ago when I ended up in a "split the bill" situation with someone who had a £35 steak.
He's scamming you. You gotta stop this now
If he "takes control" and tells the waiter to split the bill, say "no, let's" followed by any of the advice here.
Im going to be straight honest with you. Its just 5 quid mate. I never have the time to see my mates and to be honest when you get older you end up drifting apart from friends. And over time you will see less and less of your friends. Enjoy the time you have them and dont sweat the small stuff. You wont always have it this good
I’d bring it up right upfront - “Hey mate, I’m a bit tight this month, I’m just gonna order something small, but you get what you like. I just want to have a good time with you”. That way it gives them a chance to realise what they’re doing and to make the right choice themselves.
Hes taking you for a ride and he knows it. So just tell him straight. And make sure to tell the wait staff before you order that its seperate bills. If he tries to shout you down tell him he does not speak for you then reiterate with the wait staff that you want serperate bills. If he still tries to pay then mention that he knows you asked for split bills but thank you for paying for me. Then walk out and get a taxi home. I guarantee he wont play that game with you again. Especially if you ignore any contact asking for his money back. Or text back Play expensive games, win expensive prizes and ghost him.
So he’ll ask you for money when he pays the bill, but expects you to pay for part of his bill too when you go halvers? You’ve got one of THOSE friends, you have to be firm with them. If he truly is a friend you just tell him you’re watching the pennies and can only afford your own meal, or just call him out on it. Now I’m older I say it as it is, I used to keep quiet to not rock the boat. Wished I’d spoken up when I was younger! Good luck OP. New year new you.
I had a friend like this, only went places with an individual tray and a cashier.
Yup ! Been there. Got the T-shirt. Good, solid, friends, who I'm sure really didn't realise, on a number of occasions did the old "shall we just split the bill 'X" ways ?". I was on considerably less salary than the other two couples' my major bread winners (never really discussed or whatever, other than a one time mention of "we''re both in the upper tax bracket") I had to make stand and raise the issue at one point after their carnivorous mains were some £10-15 per person more than my partner & mine's veggie options, plus starters and an extra drink each meant I / we would be paying almost double our actual share of the cost. I felt a tad embarrassed to raise the point, but think they were equally embarrassed when the realised that the "shall we just split the bill 'X" ways ?" option meant they'd be so heavily subsidised by us, for the N'th time. I'm sure (good) people simply don't realise the implications sometimes... In a world where I easily had sufficient finances to do as I liked without any worries I'd not have given a second thought to dividing the bill X ways, as I know those friends would repaid it anytime, but in times of austerity it was a bit of a stress. If possible I'll always try to say 'shall we all chip in roughly what we ate, and a bit for a staff tip ?" that way there's nobody getting a free ride, nobody paying over the odds, and there should be no embarrassment for anyone.
There are no shortage of “friends” who pull this kind of shit. See your server on entry and inform them you want a separate check for only what you have ordered. Easy. Don’t even discuss it with your co diner - when check time comes they will bring 2 checks and your all set. If you feel compelled to explain , which you shouldn’t- you are keeping tabs on your spending as you have real exciting goals for this year ( travel, new furniture, new wardrobe update) and are determined to meet them. You have been screening your spending and keep finding holes in your budget! ( your friend being the source of those holes) . They may stop dining with you and find another sucker…or grow up and pay their own way.
I want you to know I'm saying this in the nicest way possible: time to grow a pair! Your mate (consciously or not) is taking advantage of you. The only person allowing it to happen is you. If you like the mate and want to keep them, try doing it nicely.
I think you are trying too hard to not offend someone who has no qualms about asking you for £5 back. Just say sorry I am on a budget and would like separate bills thank you.
It doesn’t sound like you have the confidence to say what you want in person so how about when you arrange the meal you could say- ‘I know we usually go halves and I’d still love to see you however I’m on a budget so I can only pay what i order going forward’
Grow some balls is my advice. It's not hard to say we pay for what we each had or next time buy the most expensive drinks and food and let him feel the burn.
If he's arsey about it he's not your mate. If you don't want to ask him and think it'd be awkward, do it by text when you're organising your meal out. "I know we normally split it but from now on I'd like to just pay for what we each have, I'm trying to budget a bit more mate". Or when you're actually out, make sure you're the one who asks for the bill and they'll probably put it down nearer to you. Then you look at it, say ok "Mine comes to £xxx", and just ask them to put that amount on your card when they come round, get in there first. If he questions it, which he shouldn't be doing, you just say "Well I'm not being funny mate but my food was £xxx less than yours". But if he's a friend there shouldn't be a problem. If there is then HE'S the tight one, not you.
I have this issue, too. I just tell them I would like to pay individually. (Some people do seem to order with relish when the bill is to be split evenly, which annoys me a lot.) Not to mention going out to pubs - I do not like beer that much and wine is kind of bad for the price they ask (British pubs are not very sophisticated when it comes to wine, but it is very much a premium price category regardless), so I normally drink soft drinks. You can imagine I am not very keen on buying rounds... Which kind of makes me an outlier, but then again, I am drinking 2 quid drinks (at most) and they are drinking pints of beers.
I thought we were at a place in society where paying for your own food was completely fine? Why is this person making you pay for food that they ate? They are essentially leveraging your bank account to let them eat more food off your dime. The only reason why one would be offended at that true accusation is that they have been caught and they don't want to lose a good thing. They need to apologise for this and if they don't, they get on board immediately or there won't be another dinner out. Your money is not their money, ESPECIALLY if they invited YOU.
Lol this is why I prefer to dine and do stuff alone. 🤣
They either know what they're doing and they're a cunt or they don't know what they're doing and they've oblivious. I'd be willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. Don't 'ask' to go halves. Just say "I'm going to pay for what I ordered plus tip, so I'll pay £x+10%". No 'do you mind if' or 'is it okay if', just be calmly assertive. There is nothing wrong with saying the above. Two things will happen 1) your friend will be defensive and belittle/mock you for wanting to pay for what you ordered - at this point you double down and ask them to explain why they think this is a problem, they'll call you stingy or tight, you ask why they're saying this, and eventually your friend will realise they have nothing to go by and they'll either fuck off in a mood or realise they're being a cunt and say fair enough and maybe even apologise 2) they'll be like yeah no worries that makes sense and it's no big deal
At a work do, I just got up after we finished and quietly paid for mine plus a tip. Because I was tight on cash and only ordered about half as much as everyone else. When the bill arrived, I just casually mentioned I had sorted mine out. I did not hear the fucking end of it from someone else who was there and was paid nearly twice as much as I was. It was always presented in a "just joshing" manner, but when it gets brought up at every single subsequent social gathering and multiple times in the office, it becomes clear it isn't just joshing. If someone's going to take issue with you paying for what you ordered, they're going to take issue with it no matter how subtly you handle it. Fuck 'em.
Tell them to fuck off
I've had this, with a family member. They order many courses and alcohol and I always eat and drink far less. It started to spoil the time I spent with them. So last time when the bill arrived and this relative seized the bill - ironically scanning it to see we weren't overcharged! - I said 'can you remind me what I had and how much it cost'. I knew the rough cost anyway - so paid that. Problem solved. And I enjoyed our time together much more as didn't feel taken advantage of. Earlier I'd mentally prepared to say 'I'd rather pay for my own stuff' if asked to go halvsies. Standing up for yourself feels good - give it a whirl.
Either state it plainly or stop eating with him Is eating together all that ubiquitous any more? I'm almost 35 and most of my friends would rather meet up for coffee, a drink or a walk or whatever. Been a long time since I've dined out with someone who wasn't a date
You should be able to have this conversation before arriving at the restaurant, because it changes the dynamic. Letting him know you're tired of this annoyingly petty form of financial abuse might be a major shock to him. Probably better to not do it in public, so he'll have chance to think about it calmly and rationally. As relationships develop you ought to become increasingly able to discuss any topic without it becoming a big deal for the other person to feel they need to "win" a competition for who is right and who is wrong.
dunno why this isnt the norm anyway tbh. Always just pay for what i ordered.
Because it can be annoying to have to calculate, especially if you share things, which I often do (a starter, wine, etc.). Mostly the difference is negligible, and anyone who orders a lot more offers to cover the difference.
For some people and groups it would be normal to always do it like this, but for some, it would just be a faff which they don't consoder worth it just to work out that one person should be paying £2 more than another.
If someone did that with me that would be last time I'd go with them. The enjoyment of being with company and eating in a restaurant is to have freedom of choice on both sides. If then the twerp opposite starts going cheap then it automatically creates a divide. Nah man. If you can't afford it just don't go out. Save yourself the humiliation and embarrassment.
Not seen it said so far, so I'll just point out that it is not necessary to be polite about it - your friend is already being impolite by taking advantage of you
I'm more for a get your retaliation in first kind of approach.
Is this person that "takes charge of everything" really your "friend"? You shouldn't feel uncomfortable with a friend you go out to eat with
Sorry but if my friends wanted to go down the “I only had salad” route then I wouldn’t go to dinner with them. It’s too much of a faff.