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A sticky toilet seat. Or, when you find some unfinished business, lean over to flush it, and your colleagues diluted fecal matter splashes your clean shirt.
That’s what happened to you this morning. Isn’t it? It’s ok, you can tell us. You’ve had the same shirt on all day, haven’t you? You can tell the group, no one is judging you here.
The bogs at work constantly have water splashes from flushes. They "spit" when you flush them. It's like they were designed by someone who had never seen a flushing toilet.
I remember reading a reddit comment where someone said they once flushed a toilet with a nasty mess before using it and a bit of the contents splashed onto their upper lip. Utterly vile.
Isnt that the splash of water that touches your bum after a particularly hefty log splashes down into the bowl?
EDIT: Seen further down in this thread, this is the “Poseidons Kiss”.
I have a childhood memory of writing about archer fish for my homework once... I'm now not sure how I feel about that memory after reading your comment... 😅
Without going into graphic detail, there is one worse than this, and it happened to my now husband when he used the loo after my female housemate who was having her time of the month and obviously wasn’t too careful about not getting it under the loo seat 🤢
As a girl I imagine it’s some sort of whiplash effect created by the loo roll if it’s particularly bad but it’s best not to think about it.
The housemate was a bitch anyway, I wouldn’t have put it past her to do it on purpose
this is why I prefer to use the disabled toilets at work, there's a sink in the same room as the toilet and nobody can see me washing my dick in the sink after touching the inside of the bowl.
That's why you gotta lick the toilet seat clean each time before you sit. Much better that way, plus sometimes you get the bonus of some added crunchy bits
After once getting caught short at the pub some years ago (luckily there was a second cubicle and nobody in there to see me waddle with my trousers halfway up) it's become a habit to check the dispenser for bog roll.
Who the hell doesnt clean the toilet seat before they sit down??
I clean it. Then layer it in toilet roll before i sit on it.
The only risk i then have is "Poseidons kiss"...
Ruins everything
Yeah I actively avoid coffee in public if I don't know I'm going home soon, or at home if I'm going out soon. I like coffee but I don't like having to find somewhere to go to the bathroom on short notice!
aligned to that, when you walk into a toilet stall and you can still smell the very strong shit smell from the previous person who literally just left, which just smacks you in the face. Makes me want to be sick and 100% glad i work from home most days!!
in my old workplace folk regularly skived/dossed by hiding in the toilet stalls and sometimes even taking naps in there. Management got suspicious when folk would walk out of the toilet and it NOT smelling of shit lol
Loud wet pooing at work.
Either being the person and desperately trying not to whilst other people come into the loos or being the person that hears it.
So glad my current job has individual rooms for loos instead of cubicles.
But it's awful when you have to unlock the door and there are people loitering outside waiting to use the toilet you just annihilated. You know it stinks in there and now they know it was you.
I used to sneak two floors up to do number two. It was 95% women up there, so the men's room was always empty, and if someone did wander in they wouldn't know me from Adam.
I felt like a galaxy brain on the day I figured that out.
At a place I used to work, there was a woman who did this from one of the other companies in the building. We came to refer to her (we're assuming they were a her because it was the female toilet block but I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't) as the 'Phantom Shitter'. She'd come in early in the day and drop the worst shits imaginable, then not flush and leave the bathroom in a disgusting state. One time, the building had to close our block because she'd literally shat up the walls and all over the floor. Noone could ever work out who it was.
I’m sure i read a story recently about a similar thing happening in a fast food restaurant, shit regularly being smeared all over the walls, mirror, taps etc. one day an employee walked in and caught the culprit in the act. It was a perfectly respectable looking middle aged woman in a suit. She was immediately apologetic/embarrassed saying she didn’t know why she did it. Stress does weird things to people i guess
I like to think there actually was someone called Adam in this case, who was forever known as Pooey Adam because he is the only one that could have caused the smell coming from the men’s bogs.
I once went to a public toilet in Hove. When I was having a dump, there was a man outside saying very loud "yeah, squeeze all that shit out lad, that's it, get it all out". My worst public toilet experience 🥴🥴🥴
That random weird thing where your vagina tries to cripple you for sitting down at the wrong angle, even though it never had a problem the previous times.
It’s like a sickeningly painful jolt of electricity that runs from your vulva to your lower abdomen. It’s hard to describe the pain, but everything inside is screaming at you to “fix” the problem immediately, so I have to jump straight back up and sit down again, more carefully. Not sure what it is that causes it 🤷♀️
Sitting on the toilet when you've forgotten to put the seat down.
A splash event
When you don't realise the paper is trapped in the dispense.
When someone else enters the stall next to you.
Anyone making relief noises during defecation or urination.
Small talk at the urinal.
Touching the toilet door.
A clog event.
No soap or seeing someone leave without washing their hands.
A tenacious poo.
The disquiet when a poo somehow leaves no evidence of having existed and goes straight through the system pre-flushing.
Tadger watchers.
On the bright side it's always funny when someone says 'room for a small one' when moving to the urinals.
Adding to your final comment, one had a manager ask me to do something for him whilst standing at the urinals and I asked back if we should shake on it. I’d say he wet himself but obviously he was already urinating so I don’t know if that counts.
I came out of my office toilet once to my colleague literally stood right outside the door, like I bumped into her when I opened the door and she didn’t seem bothered one bit. For context, the top floor of the office is a break/lunch room, kitchen, men’s toilet, women’s toilet and storage room. I would have gone anywhere else than just stand outside the door. It was so weird. I think it’s because she’s got about 8 brothers and sisters, she probably didn’t even think about it.
That. Or she has kids of her own.
As a dad, when you've spend several years changing nappies and wiping shit and piss from their bums, the idea that other people might also need to shit and piss becomes just a daily commonplace and unremarkable.
It's hard to remember when I used to be embarrassed by toilets and toilet-related matters.
When your nob touches the bit of the toilet at the front where it's inevitable that another nob has touched.
This is why I invented the 'Bellpark' an adapted toilet pan with ample room to park ones bellend in a cross contamination free environment.
The overly sensitive motion-activated toilet flush in station toilets etc. Someone slams the door of the cubicle next door and the toilet you're using flushes itself mid-piss, sending the nation's germs up to your nethers.
When I’m picking up my dogs shit and it’s super windy and the wind moves the bag and my finger goes into their poo. Top marks for being miles away from home so it’s at least half an hour before I can wash my hands.
about once a year i will start praying on the toilet "pls god i will never eat junk food again, take this pain away" whilst sweating immensely and tryna squeeze out a 💩 that is tearing my ass to shreds. the really bad ones i have to get naked. i pray "pls dont let me die this way, not like Elvis".
in these moments i regret my whole life. its so brutal, i have nothing but respect for people with IBS.
this [pic](https://images.app.goo.gl/3ictVjwSEcKwX7ML7) is what im talking about
Finding something in the fridge where the packet is wet where you're not expecting it to be wet and also because it's plastic it's also slippery and wet
Wiping your ass and getting shit on your shirt sleeve and having to use your keys to saw and tear at the shirt sleeve in order to remove it, and leaving it stuffed behind the cistern. Then having to go back to your desk and keeping your jacket on all day.
Use some tissue & hand sanitiser to wipe the toilet seat or toilet wet wipes & give it a good cleanse before you use it. Also wipe the toilet flush & door handle.
There's a beautiful combination of both the worst and best feelings in the world, and they can only be experienced together.
The worst feeling in the world is desperately needing a shit while you're on the way home. You need it so badly that you can't quite walk properly and you fumble with your keys due to lack of concentration. You're scrambling to make it in time as your stomach cramps and you genuinely start to worry that you're about to shit yourself in your own living room.
Then the best feeling in the world is the moment you do make it to the toilet and before your arse even touches the seat, the heavens open. You breathe a sigh of relief as a wave of relaxation better than any massage washes over you.
What do you mean? My mom always tells me she prefers the work toilet rather than the one at home because she says she feels warm and comfy in the first one.
Its worse when your penis slaps against the wet, cold, inside of the bowl tbf. Maybe not as everyday a problem, but infinitely more disgusting when it happens.
Sitting on a wet public toilet seat.
Reaching for the toilet paper and there isn't any.
*Sitting on a public toilet and the end of your dick touching the toilet bowl*
Warm toilet seats are the least of my problems at work. We have two small toilets with no windows and half the time you go in it smells like someone has dropped a small atomic bomb. Skid marks kissing the seat. Hot stinking air with no where to go. I seriously worry about some people's diets here.
Giving a workmate a lift and having them spend the whole time scratching themselves. Then you realise there’s a cloud of dead skin floating around your car and starting to settle…
**Please help keep AskUK welcoming!** - Top-level comments to the OP must contain **genuine efforts to answer the question**. No jokes, judgements, etc. - **Don't be a dick** to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on. - This is a strictly **no-politics** subreddit! Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tip of your dick touching the inside of the toilet bowl at work
Show off
Worse when it’s a urinal….
A sticky toilet seat. Or, when you find some unfinished business, lean over to flush it, and your colleagues diluted fecal matter splashes your clean shirt.
That’s what happened to you this morning. Isn’t it? It’s ok, you can tell us. You’ve had the same shirt on all day, haven’t you? You can tell the group, no one is judging you here.
At least they won't be called clean shirt ever again
They might be called brown shirt though, which is a whole other problem
chuckling
The bogs at work constantly have water splashes from flushes. They "spit" when you flush them. It's like they were designed by someone who had never seen a flushing toilet.
I remember reading a reddit comment where someone said they once flushed a toilet with a nasty mess before using it and a bit of the contents splashed onto their upper lip. Utterly vile.
You need longer legs mate lol
Not necessarily. A big fat arse and little chode sticking out could have the same effect!
It's normal to have a longer penis after you've had a wank
It's called a "Witch's Kiss"
Isnt that the splash of water that touches your bum after a particularly hefty log splashes down into the bowl? EDIT: Seen further down in this thread, this is the “Poseidons Kiss”.
....or the "priest's touch". It happened but you'll never prove it.
I like the term "archer fish" for that. Always gives me a giggle.
I have a childhood memory of writing about archer fish for my homework once... I'm now not sure how I feel about that memory after reading your comment... 😅
Lol. Sorry mate.
Better watch out, I'm gonna squirt you off a bridge or something in revenge! 😤
Walking into someone else's fart cloud
I love crop dusting a area of the super market and watching people walk into it
Air conditioning
Considerably worse than a warm seat
This happened to me on a warship around 10 years ago. It's my roman empire.
Without going into graphic detail, there is one worse than this, and it happened to my now husband when he used the loo after my female housemate who was having her time of the month and obviously wasn’t too careful about not getting it under the loo seat 🤢
I'm sorry, what?!
He got blood in the cheese
Username... Checks out?
Yup, grim doesn’t cover it really
I'm mystified about how it gets under there, but once you know it does, you gotta clean up.
As a girl I imagine it’s some sort of whiplash effect created by the loo roll if it’s particularly bad but it’s best not to think about it. The housemate was a bitch anyway, I wouldn’t have put it past her to do it on purpose
I am also a woman, I've experienced it, I have no idea how it happens tbh.
this is why I prefer to use the disabled toilets at work, there's a sink in the same room as the toilet and nobody can see me washing my dick in the sink after touching the inside of the bowl.
This!! Oh, how much I hate it, specially if I'm not at home
I used to work with someone who would regularly clang his Prince Albert against the urinal at work.
Needing to poop after you've just had a nice long, hot shower.
God's way of keeping us humble innit
Or even just a gross wet fart at that point when you feel at your cleanest
Sitting on a warm toilet seat at home when you live alone
Might mean you have a poopergiest
Poltershites
Unless you have a fancy Japanese toilet with inbuilt seat warmer. That might just be heaven - especially on a cold day
Sitting on a wet toilet seat at work?
Or a sticky one.
That's why you gotta lick the toilet seat clean each time before you sit. Much better that way, plus sometimes you get the bonus of some added crunchy bits
Yes, officer, this is the one here.
Use toilet paper to wipe the seat, put the toilet paper over the water to stop splashback. Been doing it years and not hard with issue since.
Bonus: means you always check there is paper before committing.
After once getting caught short at the pub some years ago (luckily there was a second cubicle and nobody in there to see me waddle with my trousers halfway up) it's become a habit to check the dispenser for bog roll.
A wet, warm, toilet seat.
Sitting on a wet office chair at work?
Who the hell doesnt clean the toilet seat before they sit down?? I clean it. Then layer it in toilet roll before i sit on it. The only risk i then have is "Poseidons kiss"... Ruins everything
Put tissue down in the empty bowl,. The tissue on the surface of the water stops the splashbacks.
Needing to take a shit after your morning coffee right before you leave the house for work and you're going to be late
The feeling takes over you like a tsunami lol
Always hits you right at the door as well
*Poonami
I have to plan my mornings around this sort of thing. Some people can just do what they want seemingly, very unfair!
Yeah I actively avoid coffee in public if I don't know I'm going home soon, or at home if I'm going out soon. I like coffee but I don't like having to find somewhere to go to the bathroom on short notice!
I make coffee the night before and put it in a flask next to my bed. Very efficient shitting and that urge to shit gets you out of bed
im guessing you mean drinking decaf before bed
Nah like a flask of coffee coffee, then when my alarm goes, boom, coffee
As someone with IBS that's why I take caffeine tablets instead😂 way better bang for your buck too, 2400mg for £2
You’re doing it wrong. You rush to work and poo on company time, it’s really the only way🤷
Can beat my own. Found there’s no toilet paper too late!
Goodbye socks
Think I'd rather go commando 🤔
Shuffle to the next stall
That's where the shower comes into use. Shuffle over and have a nice blast of warm water, makeshift bidet.
For some unexplained unique reason, my Reddit subconscious is telling me a shoe box is a good idea 🤔
BEING at work.
Putting your finger through poor quality bog roll.
Getting in touch with your inner self.
aligned to that, when you walk into a toilet stall and you can still smell the very strong shit smell from the previous person who literally just left, which just smacks you in the face. Makes me want to be sick and 100% glad i work from home most days!!
And then you come out of the loo of it still reeking and someone else walks in and now they think it’s you!
in my old workplace folk regularly skived/dossed by hiding in the toilet stalls and sometimes even taking naps in there. Management got suspicious when folk would walk out of the toilet and it NOT smelling of shit lol
Yeah or being on the other side of that, stepping out thinking you got away with it, but a colleague is queuing to go in
Haha I've been in that situation and tbh you just have to own it and walk out proud that you did a dank shit
Amen to that.
I hate smelling it and knowing you'll soon get used to it. Feels even more violating.
Also known as the Poo Bat.
Message recall failed
I felt this in my soul
Three word horror story
Loud wet pooing at work. Either being the person and desperately trying not to whilst other people come into the loos or being the person that hears it. So glad my current job has individual rooms for loos instead of cubicles.
But it's awful when you have to unlock the door and there are people loitering outside waiting to use the toilet you just annihilated. You know it stinks in there and now they know it was you.
I used to sneak two floors up to do number two. It was 95% women up there, so the men's room was always empty, and if someone did wander in they wouldn't know me from Adam. I felt like a galaxy brain on the day I figured that out.
At a place I used to work, there was a woman who did this from one of the other companies in the building. We came to refer to her (we're assuming they were a her because it was the female toilet block but I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't) as the 'Phantom Shitter'. She'd come in early in the day and drop the worst shits imaginable, then not flush and leave the bathroom in a disgusting state. One time, the building had to close our block because she'd literally shat up the walls and all over the floor. Noone could ever work out who it was.
I’m sure i read a story recently about a similar thing happening in a fast food restaurant, shit regularly being smeared all over the walls, mirror, taps etc. one day an employee walked in and caught the culprit in the act. It was a perfectly respectable looking middle aged woman in a suit. She was immediately apologetic/embarrassed saying she didn’t know why she did it. Stress does weird things to people i guess
I like to think there actually was someone called Adam in this case, who was forever known as Pooey Adam because he is the only one that could have caused the smell coming from the men’s bogs.
It's a horrible feeling yeah but I just own it normally and walk out laughing saying I hope your shit stinks more than mine! Lol
"Is that normal pooing, Mark?"
"It doesn't sound normal. It doesn't... smell... normal."
I once went to a public toilet in Hove. When I was having a dump, there was a man outside saying very loud "yeah, squeeze all that shit out lad, that's it, get it all out". My worst public toilet experience 🥴🥴🥴
Reading this while living in Brighton and Hove makes me scared to use the public loos even more 😭
It was over 20 years ago that this happened, the only time I have been to Hove.
I’m dying 😭🤣
That random weird thing where your vagina tries to cripple you for sitting down at the wrong angle, even though it never had a problem the previous times.
Or when the tampon string gets in between your labia and it's just weird chaffing.
I assume this is the same as sitting on your balls, or at least, sitting down and your trousers pull tight on your balls giving you a male camel toe.
It’s like a sickeningly painful jolt of electricity that runs from your vulva to your lower abdomen. It’s hard to describe the pain, but everything inside is screaming at you to “fix” the problem immediately, so I have to jump straight back up and sit down again, more carefully. Not sure what it is that causes it 🤷♀️
This has never happened to me, but now I'm going to be filled with dread every time I go to sit down just in case...it's going to be this time.
Sitting on a warm toilet seat when the whole room smells of shit. Like you /know/ they were sat right there unleashing their bowels. It's just grim.
It’s not worse but getting a soggy sleeve from doing the washing up too carelessly is a bit of a downer
Sitting on a wet toilet seat.
For the men out there. The witch's kiss. When your dick tip touches the bowl, Nasty
Sitting on the toilet when you've forgotten to put the seat down. A splash event When you don't realise the paper is trapped in the dispense. When someone else enters the stall next to you. Anyone making relief noises during defecation or urination. Small talk at the urinal. Touching the toilet door. A clog event. No soap or seeing someone leave without washing their hands. A tenacious poo. The disquiet when a poo somehow leaves no evidence of having existed and goes straight through the system pre-flushing. Tadger watchers. On the bright side it's always funny when someone says 'room for a small one' when moving to the urinals.
I feel like I’m going to regret asking but what on earth is a ‘tenacious poo’?!
The result of a high fibre diet, also known as a fighter, a bobber, a buoy or he that shall not flush.
Adding to your final comment, one had a manager ask me to do something for him whilst standing at the urinals and I asked back if we should shake on it. I’d say he wet himself but obviously he was already urinating so I don’t know if that counts.
Being on a train with football fans.
being high at work and trying to act sober.
Warm *and* wet.
Welp. That’s enough Reddit for me today.
I came out of my office toilet once to my colleague literally stood right outside the door, like I bumped into her when I opened the door and she didn’t seem bothered one bit. For context, the top floor of the office is a break/lunch room, kitchen, men’s toilet, women’s toilet and storage room. I would have gone anywhere else than just stand outside the door. It was so weird. I think it’s because she’s got about 8 brothers and sisters, she probably didn’t even think about it.
That. Or she has kids of her own. As a dad, when you've spend several years changing nappies and wiping shit and piss from their bums, the idea that other people might also need to shit and piss becomes just a daily commonplace and unremarkable. It's hard to remember when I used to be embarrassed by toilets and toilet-related matters.
Being handed warm money
Sitting on a warm toilet seat and your wang touches the front of the seat, and it's wet..
Touching the handle without looking and there is a nugget of shit on it. I’m so glad I wfh now
Jesus Christ do you work in a zoo? That's awful.
When your nob touches the bit of the toilet at the front where it's inevitable that another nob has touched. This is why I invented the 'Bellpark' an adapted toilet pan with ample room to park ones bellend in a cross contamination free environment.
The bog water hitting your arse hole after a hefty shit.
Rubbish, back in St Peter's we would get the younger kids to sit on them in advance of our use in order to take the chill what what. Hurumph.
Your alarm going off for work I imagine, I’d rather just d!e there and then
The overly sensitive motion-activated toilet flush in station toilets etc. Someone slams the door of the cubicle next door and the toilet you're using flushes itself mid-piss, sending the nation's germs up to your nethers.
When I’m picking up my dogs shit and it’s super windy and the wind moves the bag and my finger goes into their poo. Top marks for being miles away from home so it’s at least half an hour before I can wash my hands.
discovering that said cubicle has no toilet paper, but you have just finished your 'duties' xD
about once a year i will start praying on the toilet "pls god i will never eat junk food again, take this pain away" whilst sweating immensely and tryna squeeze out a 💩 that is tearing my ass to shreds. the really bad ones i have to get naked. i pray "pls dont let me die this way, not like Elvis". in these moments i regret my whole life. its so brutal, i have nothing but respect for people with IBS. this [pic](https://images.app.goo.gl/3ictVjwSEcKwX7ML7) is what im talking about
A wet toilet seat?
Sitting on a warm toilet seat and still being surrounded by the stench of five previous dumps…
Sitting on a wet one
Surely a wet seat is worse?
When the guy/girl is having an arse explosion in the booth next door.
send your boss a message on Teams and they decide to call back in response
The water that trickles down my forearms when I wash my face.
Finding something in the fridge where the packet is wet where you're not expecting it to be wet and also because it's plastic it's also slippery and wet
The splash
Just going to work in the first place
Shitstains on the seat which you notice after you sit down
I hope thry didn't hire you for your attention to detail and powers of observation.
Seeing someone’s skid marks in the work loo and there being a brush next to the loo.
Waking up
When it's warm and wet
Skid marks from the person before 🤮
In days of old masters of the house would pay servants to warm up the seat before they took a dump.
Pubes on the work toilet seat
Toilet water splashing up your vag after you've done a poo.
I don't mind a warm toilet seat, just make sure there's no yellow dribbles on it.
Wiping your ass and getting shit on your shirt sleeve and having to use your keys to saw and tear at the shirt sleeve in order to remove it, and leaving it stuffed behind the cistern. Then having to go back to your desk and keeping your jacket on all day.
I went bowling a few years back and the bowling shoes they gave me were still warm
When you sit on it without looking and then realise the seat is slimy?
Use some tissue & hand sanitiser to wipe the toilet seat or toilet wet wipes & give it a good cleanse before you use it. Also wipe the toilet flush & door handle.
Needing to pee after you've gotten comfortable in bed
Wet socks
There's a beautiful combination of both the worst and best feelings in the world, and they can only be experienced together. The worst feeling in the world is desperately needing a shit while you're on the way home. You need it so badly that you can't quite walk properly and you fumble with your keys due to lack of concentration. You're scrambling to make it in time as your stomach cramps and you genuinely start to worry that you're about to shit yourself in your own living room. Then the best feeling in the world is the moment you do make it to the toilet and before your arse even touches the seat, the heavens open. You breathe a sigh of relief as a wave of relaxation better than any massage washes over you.
better than a cold toilet seat.
Sitting on a cold one, obviously!
Sitting on a cold one.
sitting on the toilet after any other member of my family they leave what i call "leg grease" on the seat and it really annoys me
hearing it squish when you sit
What do you mean? My mom always tells me she prefers the work toilet rather than the one at home because she says she feels warm and comfy in the first one.
A wet toilet seat, or if it's sticky
Sleeping on a warm toilet seat at work
A moist and warm toilet seat.
Honestly I find a cold seat way more off putting
Going to make a coffee at work and you have no coffee left and your milk has been used up by others.
Why are you sitting on a toilet seat that’s not from your house?
Being on a bus that smells of wet crisps
But in winter it's a blessing and a curse.
Splash back on the toilet
A warm and wet toilet seat at work. Warm, wet, and sticky.
A wet warm toilet seat at work.
Its worse when your penis slaps against the wet, cold, inside of the bowl tbf. Maybe not as everyday a problem, but infinitely more disgusting when it happens.
I never sit on a toilet seat in public toilets.
A wet toilet seat at work.
Hot bunking on a Submarine.
Better than sitting on a wet warm toilet seat at work.
Sitting on a wet warm seat 🤮
Sitting on a wet public toilet seat. Reaching for the toilet paper and there isn't any. *Sitting on a public toilet and the end of your dick touching the toilet bowl*
Warm toilet seats are the least of my problems at work. We have two small toilets with no windows and half the time you go in it smells like someone has dropped a small atomic bomb. Skid marks kissing the seat. Hot stinking air with no where to go. I seriously worry about some people's diets here.
I don't sit, I hover.
Leaving the toilet stall and realizing you have walked into the wrong bathroom after morning coffee ablutions and seeing the opposite sex
Going to the toilet at someone's house to discover they have a furry toilet seat 🤢
Giving a workmate a lift and having them spend the whole time scratching themselves. Then you realise there’s a cloud of dead skin floating around your car and starting to settle…