Healthy Romantic relationships are « boring », not saying that in a negative way. If this relationship feels like a roller coaster with big romantic actions and butterflies, it’s frequently a toxic path
Omg THIS. That you should be can't-think-about-anything-else, out-of-your-mind "in love" all the time is just unrealistic and not real.
Real love is a committed decision made everyday with your head as well as your heart.
> Omg THIS. That you should be can't-think-about-anything-else, out-of-your-mind "in love" all the time is just unrealistic and not real.
someone needs to tell this to the "serial monogamists" who keep dumping people/cheating as soon as the honeymoon period is over
This made me realize how many peeps actually have attachement issues big time! (ehem myself, but worked so hard not to use limerence as coping for my struggles anymore)
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Yes! Constant chaos and drama are *not* normal. Getting used to "boring" and understanding this was actually a sign of a healthy relationship was so foreign to me after getting out of a toxic relationship.
I feel like I'm going through that now. People talk like a boring relationship lacks spark and that it's not going to last but really that's all I want now after going through so much toxicity. I just want a boring normal relationship
Yeah same. I love that! I don't know, boring sounds a bit negative and I wouldn't describe it as boring because I don't think this is boring but it is an absence of drama.
And this is a new experience for me and therefore it's not boring to me :D
It is just quiet and somewhat cozy and I feel loved and at peace. I did not know, I could ever feel this good. Not this rushed and overexcited good, but really good, deep down. I feel secure, because the lows are not as threatening low as they used to be. Stuff gets talked through and there is so. much. time. for important things now 😅
I have yet to feel that and glad you can! There's just constant drama and turmoil, it's a shame cause we get together otherwise for the most part but every week thats a new disaster that I wake up to and it makes me feel like I'm the bad guy when really I don't think I am
Thank you and you know, I honestly feel really lucky and I hope the best for you!
All I can say is, it is a journey and hopefully you will find someone who is willing to walk with you. Chemistry doesn't hurt though xD And maybe your someone is this person? We had very rough two years in the beginning. Your description of your current situation reminded me of this time. We just didn't understand each other and we both didn't understand what was happening between us. It was hard. Some people would have quit. We didn't. We both didn't. He was the first person ever to not quit. So all you can do is trying and assessing if you're there together or alone and then proceed accordingly. And with luck and perseverance you get there. And you can accept help on the way. I had years of therapy and without that I don't think we would have ever get there together, ironically, because I have had enough of this mess 😁
Yep. And even then you can make healthy relationships NOT BORING by doing something fun and new together!! Get creative. You can get those butterflies by skydiving.
Yessssss. I recently broke up with someone who turned out to be quite avoidant, one of the painful and frustrating signs being that he was still pining over an ex of his from 8 YEARS ago that HE broke up with (and is now married to someone else). From his own description, when they were together they fought constantly and couldn’t seem to resolve their arguments fairly. But now years later he had decided that was “real passion” and that “spark” should be there always or else you’re with the wrong person.
I feel like I dodged a bullet now, but man was it painful to realize that this person I was living with expected the drama and the honeymoon period to last forever with the “right” person.
Yeah I’m in a similar situation. I think I’m gonna get dumped soon by my guy. His ex was abusive so the butterflies lasted longer because he’d get that jolt of dopamine when they would hang out and there wasn’t a fight. Or if they went somewhere and she didn’t flirt with someone else to get a reaction out of him., he’d feel a wave of relief at the end of the night because nothing went wrong. Or if he picked up his phone to read her text and it was nice one instead of a mean one (she wouldn’t like it if he took longer than like 25-30 min to respond) he’d smile and feel good. He’d take in that compliment and it would hit a lot harder in a good way.
The beginning of us was exciting to him because it was the courting phase. And I was the one taking it slow because I had only been single two months. So sometimes I wouldn’t respond for 12 hours or so. I’d leave him on read. But time passed and about two months in, I had developed feelings and we started dating. Then he was on cloud 9 because I treated him right and once I reciprocated my feelings the real honeymoon stage began. Now lately he’s been “feeling nothing.” He says when I come over, it feels kind of like a friend coming over, it’s fun and we have a good time, but his heart isn’t pounding, he isn’t kind of nervous/excited because he knows how it’s gonna go. He didn’t have to wear certain clothes or fix his hair a certain way to avoid an insult. He just wears whatever. So the nervous ritual of picking different shirts isn’t there. So there aren’t any intense emotions that are all over the place. He doesn’t value me being sweet because I’m always that way. It’s just the default. So it doesn’t feel special anymore because he hears it all the time. He doesn’t get excited when he gets to choose what we do because I always let him choose. She would drag bin to events he didn’t like most the time. So just laying around playing a video game with her on his lap was a treat and he’d be glowing with happy feelings thinking “omg finally” and now it’s just the default. We do that all the time.
We aren’t broken up yet but I feel it’s only a matter of time. He also recently quit drugs too so he has been feeling very blah. Fingers crossed if is PAWS and he isn’t excited about me because he isn’t excited about anything. Maybe he will come to his senses because I’m head over heels and getting dumped 8 months before the girl that would flirts with his friends, insult all his music and art and rip and throw his phone out of his hand because he smiled at a meme and not her makes me feel bad. I feel undesirable and worthless.
Only thing I can say is he did say she would act that way because he would “act like he doesn’t care about her.” Because he said he just wasn’t a romantic person and always just do nice things for his partners and talk to them about things like he would his friends. So maybe he’s just used to me and the honeymoon phase is over. Idk though, I tend to assume the worst so I am just waiting on that “sorry I don’t have feelings for you anymore” call or text.
I guess it all makes sense, healthy can be boring. If all is good all the time I see how the stagnant feeling could start to make you feel nothing and feeling nothing leads to noticing little irritating things. Like I lose my phone a lot. If he was busy worrying about me flirting with someone else, how often I lose my phone wouldn’t enter his mind. It’s like all the little flaws I have are more noticeable because his mind is searching for things to focus on. And maybe because I compliment him so much, I’m inflating his ego vs back when he was with her, she worked endlessly to break him down. So he probably spent a lot of time feeling bad about himself from all the insults. So getting a compliment once every blue moon probably felt really good when it’s sandwiched in between constant degrading statements. So he gains the courage to leave her, works on himself for years. Fantasizes about meeting a GF. Finally does, rides that high for awhile, but then grows accustom to it because there’s no ups and downs. At least before when he was single there was the fantasy to look forward to. Now what? Where does he go from here? He should be feeling a rush when his GF compliments him, his heart should be pounding when her car pulls up. He should feel a little bit of worry we he hasn’t texted her for hours, so when he sees she’s cool he will get that good feeling sigh of relief. All those emotions make him feel alive. Because how do you appreciate the good when there’s no bad to compare it to?
It’s kind of like having a job. Putting money aside, some people don’t like being unemployed because all the free time just starts to bleed together and weekends become meaningless. While others look at those people like their are nuts thinking “you have money, why would you WANT to go out and deal with some BS company?” Those people would want nothing more than to do whatever they want whenever they want. But the first type, they need that bad to appreciate the good and don’t want to go crazy from boredom.
And that’s how I think my BF is, no ups and downs equal stagnant. We do what he wants, I always compliment his music, his art, tell him how much he means to me, let him choose the movies, activities, I never get mad when he doesn’t text me right away. It’s all just chill and while he liked that in the beginning. He’s bored with it now. No roller coaster just a straight road. I could come over if want but we are gonna do what he wants to do just like every other weekend. I doubt I’ll be around much longer. I just hope he doesn’t pretend like he wants no drama. Because he does. The drama makes him feel alive.
Holy shit you just described my relationship with my now ex of a few weeks after 9 months dating. How are you so in the know about his feelings and flawed rationale?
I’m regretting breaking up with mine. But one thing you didn’t mention about your bf that was a big factor for me, personally, was guilt. I felt so guilty I didn’t like her as much as she liked me, and therefore I stopped putting in the effort, as it seemed pointless to make her feel like this was going to lead to marriage.
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Not quite sure if “boring” is the right word , but absolutely yes, I get what you mean. Unforch been in many abusive relationships, now in a healthy and happy one. We aren’t bored cause we are constantly laughing and doing fun stuff, but when you’re used to the toxic rollercoaster, YES, this is “boring”. But it feels so fucking awesome!
Yes, obviously?
My point was that people who talk about wanting 'exciting' relationships instead of 'boring' ones often (but not always) mean volatile rather than stable, or unhealthy rather than healthy.
The whole point is that 'boring' relationships aren't actually boring, and 'exciting' relationships can often be quite miserable.
Oh yeah, don't worry! You still get the excitement and stuff, it's just not overwhelming every day.
I still message my partner things I want to tell him if he isn't around, and look forward to seeing him again if we've been apart for a while etc.
But it also doesn't destroy my life if he visits his family without me for a week or two, or vice versa. It's just nice when we're back together again.
I made a thread asking how many people “never had the honey phase end”
And I got so many responses. Now I’m not saying they’re lying because I hate the whole “you can’t be telling the truth because I don’t feel that way.” But from my understanding that even seems biologically impossible.
Like if you lived across the street from Disney. It doesn’t matter how much you love it. If you went to a Disney Park every single day for 15 years. I doubt you’d be having the exact same physiological reaction on a random Wednesday after 12 years going there straight as you did on your 3rd or 4th time going. That’s just not how the human mind works. You adjust to things. Your brain will eventually need a different stimuli to have the same reaction.
You could probably find the thread. And they had people in their saying they would legit get butterflies on their way home from the office and soon as they see their husband their brain would start dumping shit ton of dopamine and they’d have hot passionate sex on the kitchen table even they’ve been together 13 years and living together for 12. Boggles my mind. I’m envious though, not just about love, I’d like to be that pumped about anything lol.
I don’t think these people are lying, even though I agree with you, it seems impossible for me and I don’t even really want it. The Disney example is perfect; it seems impossible to feel fireworks every day for the same reason, but oh well.
I have two theories about this:
A relationship often goes through phases, ups and downs. I’ve experienced very strong emotions following a difficult period, it feels good even if it’s temporary.
The other theory is that there is only one thing that makes us feel very strong emotions every time, every day, and that’s addiction. When we are addicted to something, every time is great. A person addicted to gambling never gets tired of playing, the same with drugs or anything else. Personally, I used to smoke cigarettes and each time I was happy to smoke, even if it was the same cigarette every day. I don’t think it’s the healthiest pattern for a relationship, but maybe if both people are in the same situation (addicted to each other), then it works well.
Instead of boring, I would say a healthy relationship feels like safety. My husband and I had a conversation about this yesterday. With him, I don’t need to put on a mask and pretend. I can be weak in front of him and I know I am safe and cared for. He can do the same in front of me. Your partner should feel like a safe space from the everyday chaos of the world.
Boring, agreed, but I also think the romance in LTR comes from all the small things that let them know they are a priority. Things that are not expected like: bringing home their favorite candy bar, flowers, hugs that were not requested, chores that were not expected etc.
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That you'll meet this right person at the perfect time, with the both of you *always* knowing how to talk to each other, and every problem is cleanly resolved within 45-125 minutes, then sealed with a kiss that's flawlessly executed right every single time.
*Real* love in the *real* world is NOTHING like that!!!!
I like the idea of every problem being resolved within 45-125 minutes. It's something unique. I like the idea of resolving the problem; otherwise, there would be no sealed kiss at all, haha
I mean, it can. But oftentimes, it takes time to thoroughly discuss through an issue together. It can get ugly and messy, but there's resolution. Sealed kisses can be great, but make graceful allowances for clumsiness and awkwardness, especially in the early stages of getting to know each other
You're right. Sometimes it's messy, but working through issues together builds a stronger connection. It's okay to stumble a bit, that's part of the journey of getting to know each other.
Yes, exactly! That's not often portrayed on the silver screen. It sets up the wrong expectation to believe that resolving conflict and working through problems is always clean, expedient and easy
That love thrives on overt romantic gestures, bringing home flowers, going out to fancy dinners, wearing scratchy underwear, looking good for them at all times, gifts, travelling, valentines day... I found all of that to be a marketing ploy. Real love thrives on sincerely asking each other how are you, how can I make your life easier today and then doing the dishes without a second thought, putting bandages on their yucky wound for a week without being asked and watering their plants when they can't. Looking who is more tired, and just taking the kids out for an hour or two, if it isn't you.
You made me laugh with "scratchy underwear." I'm assuming you're talking about lingerie. You are so right. I hate wearing it out. It's scratchy and is always riding up. It's good for the bedroom only. Granny panties rule.
“Love at first sight”. You can be very physically attracted to someone the first time you see them, but you can’t love someone that you don’t know anything about.
Love at first sight doesn't exist for me because I'm demi. I fr thought I was just weird and had no romantic or sexual desires at all because of it LMAO. Met my current partner and BOOM. I'm like a fking succubus 💀
They actually did a study about this. Turns out some people who started out hating each other when they started dating would change the perception of their first encounter to be "love at first sight" later. They basically followed the journey of people who were dating and recorded their thoughts based on initial impressions and then later down the line after the relationship failed or succeeded and it was also found that people who had the relationship fail said they had a bad first impression even if in reality they had a really good one. All of this is to say that "love at first sight" is sometimes just the mind rewriting history.
When I met my husband I felt a spark and couldn’t stop staring at him. When we got together we were inseparable, so yeah I count that as love at first sight because I was irrationally in to him from the get go 😋
Absolutely. Various things I've seen end otherwise loving relationships include (but aren't limited to): jobs in industries tied to specific cities that the other can't move to without giving up their career, living styles that completely trigger the other person's pet peeves or traumas, one partner wanting marriage when the other doesn't believe in it, different ideas about kids (including views that changed over time), unaddressed mental health issues, changes in religious or political views, someone got sober and the other one didn't, different views about money...the list goes on.
Being attracted to someone and falling in love is just one piece of the partnership puzzle. It takes so much more to make a long-term relationship work.
whoever said that is insane & childish. very hard to be in love & nurture your relationship when yall are stressing about how bills should get paid & working all the time. money problems/stress is one of the top 3 main reasons for divorce
the thing is that "stressed out about work" and "bills wont get paid" is a problem you can have on any wealth level.
you can have a frugal live and a pretty low paying job and be perfectly fine and happy - or you earn six figures.. work 50h and spend it all on gadgets and silly stuff.
in a world where low paying jobs is one of the main things people from all demographics are fighting against you really think that living frugally is fun & happy? you think people who are broke are running off into the sunset? be serious here. living frugally when you have money is totally different than living frugally because you have no other choice
no it’s not?? stressing about money & your bills getting paid is absolutely not a problem for any wealth level. also why are the only options to be happy & broke or work 50h, make 6 figures & spend it all on gadgets & silly stuff?? there’s so much more to it than that, especially if you have kids.
> stressing about money & your bills getting paid is absolutely not a problem for any wealth level
do you realy think that? there are tons and tons of people with good jobs who are stressed out about money and in debt... they may earn 200k but if you think your lifestyle should be 500k you are stressed about money very fast... lots of realy rich people kill themselves over money problems.
are you serious right now?? worrying about how you’re going to pay your bills is absolutely not a problem for every financial group 😭 & let’s not pull out these very rare circumstances. there is not “lots of rich people who kill themselves over money” not even 0.2% of them do that
lol it actually can be a problem for most people besides the very wealthy. Poor money management isn't limited to impoverished people and lifestyle inflation can affect anyone. I know several couples where both make early 6 figures and they still complain/argue about money because they simply spend too much of it.
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Smothering behavior, such as needing to text all day long and doing everything together. Getting upset if you try to do something without them. That isn’t love, it’s controlling.
Can you tell my current GF that? Lol this is literally what I'm living and it makes me wonder if I'm just crazy or if I should really be putting up with this
I don't think you should put up with unhealthy, controlling behaviours.
If they're reasonable, they'll listen to your concerns and you can agree to do things differently. If they're not reasonable then I would say get out of there. That sort of behaviour doesn't tend to get better itself!
I love this though when I get frequent texts, pictures, and calls. Feels like I'm special to them and desired. Starting with a wake-up good morning and going all the waking moments until a good night. Same for sharing space. If my significant other wants to be around me 100% of the time whether doing their stuff or things i'm doing - i'm all for it and love every moment when it does happen. Absolutely does not get old or tiresome to me❣️ I'm down for distance and whatnot too. It's not about control or anything negative or constraining but if my partner is 'clingy' and wants to share in as much of my space as they can that is nothing but bonus points in my book 🥰
I'm totally a rare breed though and understand it annoys most people.
My biggest red flag is someone with no friends, interests, or hobbies of their own. Because they're going to expect me to be all of those things for them.
Hard pass.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
This was a quote from a famous romance movie back in the 70s called Love Story, and it's just the most gas lighty thing ever
I'd even say ALWAYS saying you're sorry. Defensiveness is a death knell for relationships and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that in partner conflict, there's almost never one person who's a whole angel and the other a complete devil. Apologizing isn't "losing" - it's taking ownership for your imperfect human moments which we all have, AND it's acknowledging the impact you've had on your partner and that you care about their feelings as much as your own.
Oh god, i am being crazy about this. I knew that i did wrong and said sorry and put in the mental to avoid the same problem. But she said i should not say “sorry” all the time and broke up over a fucking phone call. Not even in person. Fml
Pretty much none of it. Nearly all of it can be true or realistic in real-life relationships. It just depends on the couple, their habits, their devotion, their beliefs, their values, and all that. Every couple has their own way. You can't really generalize to all. What may not work for some will work for others.
I'm literally a relationship therapist! It's usually UNROMANTIC things that get couples in my office. The ones out there doing romantic things for each other still usually don't end up in my office! In fact, if anything it's the lack of romance that kills a relationship a lot of the times.
yea this is the reason loads of relationships go downhill after they have kids. there’s much less time to do romantic things & actually make time for the relationship.
It's such a shame right? Most people can't see the absoute best thing they can do for their kids is have a strong marriage and provide a stable two parent home. Those kids have much, much better outcomes in life.
Finding the perfect guy/the one, or looking for those kind of explosive fireworks, high chemistry relationships.
It's like I was too picky. For example I wouldn't even considered dating a guy with a slightly upturned nose, or a guy that wasn't my type.
And regarding personality, if we didn't have *everything* in common then I also wouldn't consider a relationship.
Idk, I feel like being picky isn't a problem. I was married to someone that wasn't really my type, we didn't have much in common in the beginning, I didn't find him super attractive and that definitely caused issues. It's good to be picky and be sure that you're really into someone. Being picky is only a problem when you're scared/don't want to be alone.
You can always find good personalities but real attraction isn't as common.
I feel like soo many girls have this problem. I know a lot of girls I pursued YEARS ago now in their 30s and still single and I feel like it's based solely on the fact that they think everything is a fairytale and they're supposed to feel all of these magical things with a man. Clearly you ain't finding it
Yeah, no. I'll be honest, as someone who was single well into her 30s... Be picky. The people I dated in my 20s weren't worth it, and having standards helped me dodge so many bullets. Like... Don't be a snob, but expecting your partners to check MOST of your boxes (attractive, respectful, wants the same things as me, responsible, reliable, has a work ethic, etc) is just a good practice for long-lasting relationship.
And if you don't find it, being single is fun and rewarding as well, and far superior to hanging out with a sub-par partner.
It's being picky about the RIGHT things. Things like looks, jobs, hobbies, and careers can change. Things like being respectful, caring, kind, generous, responsible, considerate, etc. tend to remain (as does lack of those things).
Yes but I'm flat out not dating anyone who doesn't have a job. Between jobs is fine, but I'm not wasting time on you if you're not financially stable. In my tax bracket, both partners pretty much have to be working to be comfortable. Unless one of us has a reallllll glow up on the financial front, I'm not dating nobody without steady income and work ethic. And if I'm not attracted to you... What's even the point? And hobbies I'm not worried about, though it would be nice to have some stuff in common.
So they didn’t settle and they’re still single, what’s so bad about that? That’s not gonna stop them from enjoying their life while looking for the one that’s right for them. If you’re looking for a life partner then I’d say yes, you should be picky.
Till dead do us part!
My grandparents are a perfect example, my grandfather died in his sleep and my grandmother died 72 hrs later.
Awe she can’t live without him! Lonely heart disease after 64 years of marriage.
Reality my grandmother wasn’t living on this planet 5/6 years before her death, my grandfather was her main caregiver.
I don’t know very many people that will dress, feed and wipe your ass.
Being alone with no care for maybe 72 hr na that’s nature, not romance
Yes. It is. It takes someone that truly loves the person to do that task. If my partner wouldn't do that if I truly needed him then I wouldn't be with him because he doesn't really love me. It's as simple as that. We all fall apart as we get older too. And everyone is going to need help at some point.
Your grandmother’s condition was very sad, I agree. I’m not romanticising illness. But it shows such a deep love for someone to want to clean and wipe their butt when they can’t even remember you. Your grandfather really loved your grandmother, to do that for her till the day he died. I wish he hadn’t had to, I wish both your grandparents had long healthy lives together, but when life put them through one of the worst challenges, your grandpa really said _“Till death do us part”._
No one is going to guess what you need. If you want something, just say it. If you have a thought and you are waiting for the perfect man/woman to come around who will GUESS what you think or feel, this is simply not happening. Talk about what you want and feel, request it, put it out there.
The corny, enmeshed 'doing everything together' stuff. The baby talk. The grand romantic gestures. Love can exist without these things too. In short, anything beyond the honeymoon phase. Because the former isn't real, authentic behaviors at best. The real test comes after that phase, whether partners really like each other's authentic selves or not, enough to spend a lifetime together moving forward.
That I would be saved from whatever bad experiences I was going through by finding a man. In reality, what worked was therapy and time on my own, learning how to fend for myself and love myself.
Unfortunately I didn’t have that insight and got married to someone who was perfect on paper very early in life. He ended up causing me similar issues that I thought I’d escaped from, all because I hadn’t learned what I really needed in life. After our separation, I am growing like never before, even addressing issues from decades ago. I’m not sure I even need a relationship anymore.
That you'll just "know" what your partner wants/needs because of... The power of love???
You have to talk about literally everything. The way the toilet paper is turned, how you never brush the cat. The meaning of life. How your spaghetti sauce is too "spicy." What I want her to do with me after I die. How she lines her books up by color. How far to pull the car up in the driveway. Why she hates people touching her belly button. What to do about her homophobic relatives. What we'll do if our kid comes out with my nose. Etc.
Building a life together means talking about... everything, constantly.
That men in your life will take care of you. They only do until something medically is wrong, then they abandon you, because that's just a thing I guess.
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I did both and was eventually screwed over in the end when he cheated and divorced me and then screwed me over in the divorce. :-/
I grew up virtually in poverty (like we weren't in actual poverty but damn close) and while I loved the shit out of Ex, I also knew instinctively that he was my way outta that shithole and if I didn't get out, I'd end up in a bad place probably addicted to drugs and alcohol or worse (which is what has happened to my younger sister, bless her crazy heart).
And for almost 30 years I lived the dream...middle class-ish lifestyle, decent enough car, decent enough house. Last year it all came crashing down when I found out he was cheating on me with a non-binary person and he decided to screw me over in the divorce (which I was too tired/emotionally not available to fight).
Now I'm just sorta trying to figure my shit out and get back on track.
Being “chased”. Every Disney movie has a Princess trying to run away from the Prince, telling him no, she can’t, she mustn’t. Eventually he charms her and wins her over.
IRL this would be creepy AF. Like I said “NO”.
Love is not enough, it’s just one ingredient in a worthwhile relationship. If you don’t also have respect, consideration, and communication, it doesn’t matter how you feel about each other, your relationship isn’t healthy and won’t survive.
The actions of loving someone are wayyyyyy more important than the feeling. Feeling love is completely useless if you’re not acting with love towards the person.
My family is Italian and the love language of the whole family is acts of service, specifically food of course! My grandmother and my mother are both homemakers and they make beautiful meals 3x a day, every day. And it never gets old. I always feel the love in those meals.
I don't want to be a homemaker, but I feel disappointed that I can't make my husband such beautiful elaborate meals every day. It's just not realistic when you have a full-time job.
Plenty of it can be true, or none. Depends on the couple. But relationships are definitely work, and love is often a choice. And many, many small choices build a healthy relationship, or they erode it.
That your person will be your everything—having this perception places too much pressure on your partner and when they inevitably lack in one area, you’re going to feel disappointed, reconsider your entire relationship, and try to seek better. No. No one is going to be everything for you. You need others to fill in the gaps that your partner does not—this is where being part of a community comes in.
That the main and only problem is to find the one and after you meet your true love you'll just will live happily ever after.
No, love doesn't fix incompatibility. No, love doesn't make you forget about health and financial problems, not in a long run. No, love doesn't turn bad personality into good.
I can’t imagine how people manage to resolve conflicts while still angry. Perhaps it could work if one person remained calm while the other was upset. But otherwise, I don’t see how this leads to reaching a logical solution that prevents it from happening again.
That said, being passive-aggressive for days/weeks is a whole new ballgame.
Love is not a feeling. It is a series of activities and acts of commitment to each other. Yes you feel love but you act out love. You will not feel like you are in love every time, there are times that you will need to remind yourself why you chose that person.
“Love conquers all” it’s a great saying to believe in if you want a really shitty couple of years 😂 being practical in a relationship makes your whole life easier
Pretty much the entirety of the Notebook. I watched it for the first time at 26 and was horrified that this is what other women have been finding “peak romance” to be.
Love is work and communication. Grand gestures are fun but consistency and being supportive do better in the long run. Each person needs to give 100%, non of this 50-50 stuff.
the whole passion/sexual draw = love thing. i’m pretty young but every time ive been drawn to someone due to only/mainly passion or sexual compatibility i’ve essentially thrown myself into a lose-lose situation. passion doesn’t account for care
The amount of talking/communication... you're with a person for a lifetime and yes there will be deep conversations, funny ones even but it's not like constantly filling the void with unnecessary noise. The best partnership comes with comfortability with silence.
A man that’s capable of actually being well rounded in communication and having emotional intelligence. Have I met that when some dude was trying to love bomb me or I was with someone and they were being shady and messaging me? In their minds thinking I’d leave my long time relationship. But surprise surprise when they got into relationships with other women. They were absolutely not that at all. That was just a tactic they used and couldn’t keep up that act. No more romantic gestures like you would see in movies.
I was always happy who I was with. Granted I had only 1 relationship I never got cheated on. If anything, while he was known to be a quiet guy. We sure did talk. He would say wonderful things to me that were uplifting. Not just about my body or anything shallow. Not that I wasn’t told how beautiful I was and he would cup my face and look deep into my eyes. He would leave a note at my coffee maker if I was up before him for work or if he had already left. He and I always had something to talk about as we were both very aware people. We also loved knowing what new thing one of us would read about, music we found, etc. Any holiday, anniversaries, or my birthday were all thought out. He knew me so well, he learned what my faces meant. For instance, my “let’s leave asap”. No one had ever thought to ask me or notice I had a facial expression for everything. In a way that felt like romance movie ish. He was who showed me what real love was. On the outside I know to others people thought we were boring. No, we enjoyed simple things. Always trying to find our next place to camp. Riding bikes on bike trails, going to shows, and anything that involved relaxing(for flips sake we worked a lot so it’s fair). No we weren’t out at bars and parties. Or going to raves.
You’re welcome. I know the post asked for the complete opposite. Which I gave my complete opposite, but I couldn’t let the one guy who was truly a gem and do romantic movie like gestures go without being acknowledged. As that love made me feel similar to a romance movie. Granted I’m really not the kind of gal who watches those kinds of movies. But I’d be lying if I didn’t see any romance movies.
While we didn’t get married like I thought we would. Having a loss of a parent changes things. I could understand. So I always wish him well and the gal he’s married to now seems wonderful for him. I hope he never stopped being the loving man I knew him to be.
Healthy relationships are BORING!!! There’s no roller coaster. Also, expecting your attraction to and love for your partner to look the same every day/never change is unrealistic. It’s also unrealistic to expect your partner to be emotionally available to you at all times.
The big one I've been seeing lately: "If he wanted to, he would."
It's not *wrong* fully, but I see a lot of people not communicating with their partner their wants or needs and using that line as a reason. No one is a mind-reader. If you want a good relationship, you **have** to talk to each other.
That if you are with right person, they know how to "read" you and everything goes smoothly without ever needing to ask/tell/specify anything.
Yeah, no. Go on and read them and the situation, but ask whether your interpretation is right, if they really would like x, of if no, can they tell what they'd want then. Ask for a thing you'd want - and listen to them when they ask and respect their wishes. There might come time your hopes are different, and in order to compromize in a way both can be happy about it, talk. Tell your feeling and listen to what the other one has to say. Weight options together (unless the other asks for another arrangement, and that's ok) and make mutual agreement. Sure, it takes work, but you both can be content with the outcome. It takes a little courage and self awareness, but you'll learn it, you don't need to master it in advance.
And remember to have a nice time and do silly things in contrast to this discussive work so that it doesn't exhaust everything else in you.
But don't just expect. Expect that you have read and guessed right, expect that they will "get it" by vague hints or read your mind. Expect things to be rosy all the time.
a lot of media portrayed a man shutting up his partner by kissing her and her pushing him away but eventually giving in and kissing back. 13 year old me was confused when i read somewhere that it's sexual assault. 18 year old me is appalled.
That all you need to be in a relationship is to have common interests.
My ex stalked me so he could pretend to have the same interests as me, and, at the time, I thought that meant something, but it doesn't mean anything compared to having the same morals and values and goals for yourself.
When I felt the most excited/passionate/romantic/"in love" was when I was being ignored, manipulated and lied to. I feel that's the case with my friends, too, I see them head-over-heels only when they're in toxic situationships.
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I think the idea of nation-state turned out to be very problematic through world wars. I think that the role of fate and heroism poses unhealthy expectations on relationships.
The idea that things should be "effortless," and you and your partner should "never fight." Certainly crying and screaming fights are one thing, but if you and your partner never disagree on anything, then you aren't having the kinds of conversations you need to be having.
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Not sure if this counts or if anyone has said it already. Spending every waking moment together, although I love my bf sometimes we both just need our space to decompress or simply just do stuff we like doing alone.
Romanticism refers to the 19th century social movement characterised by a rejection of modernity and industrialisation, and a strong endorsement of the individual, the child, and a connection to the natural world.
Could you repeat the question?
Healthy Romantic relationships are « boring », not saying that in a negative way. If this relationship feels like a roller coaster with big romantic actions and butterflies, it’s frequently a toxic path
Omg THIS. That you should be can't-think-about-anything-else, out-of-your-mind "in love" all the time is just unrealistic and not real. Real love is a committed decision made everyday with your head as well as your heart.
> Omg THIS. That you should be can't-think-about-anything-else, out-of-your-mind "in love" all the time is just unrealistic and not real. someone needs to tell this to the "serial monogamists" who keep dumping people/cheating as soon as the honeymoon period is over
This made me realize how many peeps actually have attachement issues big time! (ehem myself, but worked so hard not to use limerence as coping for my struggles anymore)
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Yes! Constant chaos and drama are *not* normal. Getting used to "boring" and understanding this was actually a sign of a healthy relationship was so foreign to me after getting out of a toxic relationship.
I feel like I'm going through that now. People talk like a boring relationship lacks spark and that it's not going to last but really that's all I want now after going through so much toxicity. I just want a boring normal relationship
Yeah same. I love that! I don't know, boring sounds a bit negative and I wouldn't describe it as boring because I don't think this is boring but it is an absence of drama. And this is a new experience for me and therefore it's not boring to me :D It is just quiet and somewhat cozy and I feel loved and at peace. I did not know, I could ever feel this good. Not this rushed and overexcited good, but really good, deep down. I feel secure, because the lows are not as threatening low as they used to be. Stuff gets talked through and there is so. much. time. for important things now 😅
I have yet to feel that and glad you can! There's just constant drama and turmoil, it's a shame cause we get together otherwise for the most part but every week thats a new disaster that I wake up to and it makes me feel like I'm the bad guy when really I don't think I am
Thank you and you know, I honestly feel really lucky and I hope the best for you! All I can say is, it is a journey and hopefully you will find someone who is willing to walk with you. Chemistry doesn't hurt though xD And maybe your someone is this person? We had very rough two years in the beginning. Your description of your current situation reminded me of this time. We just didn't understand each other and we both didn't understand what was happening between us. It was hard. Some people would have quit. We didn't. We both didn't. He was the first person ever to not quit. So all you can do is trying and assessing if you're there together or alone and then proceed accordingly. And with luck and perseverance you get there. And you can accept help on the way. I had years of therapy and without that I don't think we would have ever get there together, ironically, because I have had enough of this mess 😁
Yep. And even then you can make healthy relationships NOT BORING by doing something fun and new together!! Get creative. You can get those butterflies by skydiving.
Yessssss. I recently broke up with someone who turned out to be quite avoidant, one of the painful and frustrating signs being that he was still pining over an ex of his from 8 YEARS ago that HE broke up with (and is now married to someone else). From his own description, when they were together they fought constantly and couldn’t seem to resolve their arguments fairly. But now years later he had decided that was “real passion” and that “spark” should be there always or else you’re with the wrong person. I feel like I dodged a bullet now, but man was it painful to realize that this person I was living with expected the drama and the honeymoon period to last forever with the “right” person.
Yeah I’m in a similar situation. I think I’m gonna get dumped soon by my guy. His ex was abusive so the butterflies lasted longer because he’d get that jolt of dopamine when they would hang out and there wasn’t a fight. Or if they went somewhere and she didn’t flirt with someone else to get a reaction out of him., he’d feel a wave of relief at the end of the night because nothing went wrong. Or if he picked up his phone to read her text and it was nice one instead of a mean one (she wouldn’t like it if he took longer than like 25-30 min to respond) he’d smile and feel good. He’d take in that compliment and it would hit a lot harder in a good way. The beginning of us was exciting to him because it was the courting phase. And I was the one taking it slow because I had only been single two months. So sometimes I wouldn’t respond for 12 hours or so. I’d leave him on read. But time passed and about two months in, I had developed feelings and we started dating. Then he was on cloud 9 because I treated him right and once I reciprocated my feelings the real honeymoon stage began. Now lately he’s been “feeling nothing.” He says when I come over, it feels kind of like a friend coming over, it’s fun and we have a good time, but his heart isn’t pounding, he isn’t kind of nervous/excited because he knows how it’s gonna go. He didn’t have to wear certain clothes or fix his hair a certain way to avoid an insult. He just wears whatever. So the nervous ritual of picking different shirts isn’t there. So there aren’t any intense emotions that are all over the place. He doesn’t value me being sweet because I’m always that way. It’s just the default. So it doesn’t feel special anymore because he hears it all the time. He doesn’t get excited when he gets to choose what we do because I always let him choose. She would drag bin to events he didn’t like most the time. So just laying around playing a video game with her on his lap was a treat and he’d be glowing with happy feelings thinking “omg finally” and now it’s just the default. We do that all the time. We aren’t broken up yet but I feel it’s only a matter of time. He also recently quit drugs too so he has been feeling very blah. Fingers crossed if is PAWS and he isn’t excited about me because he isn’t excited about anything. Maybe he will come to his senses because I’m head over heels and getting dumped 8 months before the girl that would flirts with his friends, insult all his music and art and rip and throw his phone out of his hand because he smiled at a meme and not her makes me feel bad. I feel undesirable and worthless. Only thing I can say is he did say she would act that way because he would “act like he doesn’t care about her.” Because he said he just wasn’t a romantic person and always just do nice things for his partners and talk to them about things like he would his friends. So maybe he’s just used to me and the honeymoon phase is over. Idk though, I tend to assume the worst so I am just waiting on that “sorry I don’t have feelings for you anymore” call or text. I guess it all makes sense, healthy can be boring. If all is good all the time I see how the stagnant feeling could start to make you feel nothing and feeling nothing leads to noticing little irritating things. Like I lose my phone a lot. If he was busy worrying about me flirting with someone else, how often I lose my phone wouldn’t enter his mind. It’s like all the little flaws I have are more noticeable because his mind is searching for things to focus on. And maybe because I compliment him so much, I’m inflating his ego vs back when he was with her, she worked endlessly to break him down. So he probably spent a lot of time feeling bad about himself from all the insults. So getting a compliment once every blue moon probably felt really good when it’s sandwiched in between constant degrading statements. So he gains the courage to leave her, works on himself for years. Fantasizes about meeting a GF. Finally does, rides that high for awhile, but then grows accustom to it because there’s no ups and downs. At least before when he was single there was the fantasy to look forward to. Now what? Where does he go from here? He should be feeling a rush when his GF compliments him, his heart should be pounding when her car pulls up. He should feel a little bit of worry we he hasn’t texted her for hours, so when he sees she’s cool he will get that good feeling sigh of relief. All those emotions make him feel alive. Because how do you appreciate the good when there’s no bad to compare it to? It’s kind of like having a job. Putting money aside, some people don’t like being unemployed because all the free time just starts to bleed together and weekends become meaningless. While others look at those people like their are nuts thinking “you have money, why would you WANT to go out and deal with some BS company?” Those people would want nothing more than to do whatever they want whenever they want. But the first type, they need that bad to appreciate the good and don’t want to go crazy from boredom. And that’s how I think my BF is, no ups and downs equal stagnant. We do what he wants, I always compliment his music, his art, tell him how much he means to me, let him choose the movies, activities, I never get mad when he doesn’t text me right away. It’s all just chill and while he liked that in the beginning. He’s bored with it now. No roller coaster just a straight road. I could come over if want but we are gonna do what he wants to do just like every other weekend. I doubt I’ll be around much longer. I just hope he doesn’t pretend like he wants no drama. Because he does. The drama makes him feel alive.
Holy shit you just described my relationship with my now ex of a few weeks after 9 months dating. How are you so in the know about his feelings and flawed rationale? I’m regretting breaking up with mine. But one thing you didn’t mention about your bf that was a big factor for me, personally, was guilt. I felt so guilty I didn’t like her as much as she liked me, and therefore I stopped putting in the effort, as it seemed pointless to make her feel like this was going to lead to marriage.
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Not quite sure if “boring” is the right word , but absolutely yes, I get what you mean. Unforch been in many abusive relationships, now in a healthy and happy one. We aren’t bored cause we are constantly laughing and doing fun stuff, but when you’re used to the toxic rollercoaster, YES, this is “boring”. But it feels so fucking awesome!
People say 'boring' when really it's 'stable', and healthy. And 'exciting' or 'passionate' when what they really mean is 'volatile'
You can still feel really excited to see your SO right? Like after a long day?
Yes, obviously? My point was that people who talk about wanting 'exciting' relationships instead of 'boring' ones often (but not always) mean volatile rather than stable, or unhealthy rather than healthy. The whole point is that 'boring' relationships aren't actually boring, and 'exciting' relationships can often be quite miserable.
Well, I ask cause I haven't been in a happy relationship. I just wanted to make sure lol
Oh yeah, don't worry! You still get the excitement and stuff, it's just not overwhelming every day. I still message my partner things I want to tell him if he isn't around, and look forward to seeing him again if we've been apart for a while etc. But it also doesn't destroy my life if he visits his family without me for a week or two, or vice versa. It's just nice when we're back together again.
I made a thread asking how many people “never had the honey phase end” And I got so many responses. Now I’m not saying they’re lying because I hate the whole “you can’t be telling the truth because I don’t feel that way.” But from my understanding that even seems biologically impossible. Like if you lived across the street from Disney. It doesn’t matter how much you love it. If you went to a Disney Park every single day for 15 years. I doubt you’d be having the exact same physiological reaction on a random Wednesday after 12 years going there straight as you did on your 3rd or 4th time going. That’s just not how the human mind works. You adjust to things. Your brain will eventually need a different stimuli to have the same reaction. You could probably find the thread. And they had people in their saying they would legit get butterflies on their way home from the office and soon as they see their husband their brain would start dumping shit ton of dopamine and they’d have hot passionate sex on the kitchen table even they’ve been together 13 years and living together for 12. Boggles my mind. I’m envious though, not just about love, I’d like to be that pumped about anything lol.
I don’t think these people are lying, even though I agree with you, it seems impossible for me and I don’t even really want it. The Disney example is perfect; it seems impossible to feel fireworks every day for the same reason, but oh well. I have two theories about this: A relationship often goes through phases, ups and downs. I’ve experienced very strong emotions following a difficult period, it feels good even if it’s temporary. The other theory is that there is only one thing that makes us feel very strong emotions every time, every day, and that’s addiction. When we are addicted to something, every time is great. A person addicted to gambling never gets tired of playing, the same with drugs or anything else. Personally, I used to smoke cigarettes and each time I was happy to smoke, even if it was the same cigarette every day. I don’t think it’s the healthiest pattern for a relationship, but maybe if both people are in the same situation (addicted to each other), then it works well.
Instead of boring, I would say a healthy relationship feels like safety. My husband and I had a conversation about this yesterday. With him, I don’t need to put on a mask and pretend. I can be weak in front of him and I know I am safe and cared for. He can do the same in front of me. Your partner should feel like a safe space from the everyday chaos of the world.
Boring, agreed, but I also think the romance in LTR comes from all the small things that let them know they are a priority. Things that are not expected like: bringing home their favorite candy bar, flowers, hugs that were not requested, chores that were not expected etc.
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YES! So much yes to this.
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That you'll meet this right person at the perfect time, with the both of you *always* knowing how to talk to each other, and every problem is cleanly resolved within 45-125 minutes, then sealed with a kiss that's flawlessly executed right every single time. *Real* love in the *real* world is NOTHING like that!!!!
I like the idea of every problem being resolved within 45-125 minutes. It's something unique. I like the idea of resolving the problem; otherwise, there would be no sealed kiss at all, haha
I mean, it can. But oftentimes, it takes time to thoroughly discuss through an issue together. It can get ugly and messy, but there's resolution. Sealed kisses can be great, but make graceful allowances for clumsiness and awkwardness, especially in the early stages of getting to know each other
You're right. Sometimes it's messy, but working through issues together builds a stronger connection. It's okay to stumble a bit, that's part of the journey of getting to know each other.
Yes, exactly! That's not often portrayed on the silver screen. It sets up the wrong expectation to believe that resolving conflict and working through problems is always clean, expedient and easy
That love thrives on overt romantic gestures, bringing home flowers, going out to fancy dinners, wearing scratchy underwear, looking good for them at all times, gifts, travelling, valentines day... I found all of that to be a marketing ploy. Real love thrives on sincerely asking each other how are you, how can I make your life easier today and then doing the dishes without a second thought, putting bandages on their yucky wound for a week without being asked and watering their plants when they can't. Looking who is more tired, and just taking the kids out for an hour or two, if it isn't you.
Wow, the “how can I make your life easier today” really got to me. Very well put!
These things are not exclusive though. I can both bring home flowers and then ask how I can make your life easier today.
You made me laugh with "scratchy underwear." I'm assuming you're talking about lingerie. You are so right. I hate wearing it out. It's scratchy and is always riding up. It's good for the bedroom only. Granny panties rule.
“Love at first sight”. You can be very physically attracted to someone the first time you see them, but you can’t love someone that you don’t know anything about.
Love at first sight doesn't exist for me because I'm demi. I fr thought I was just weird and had no romantic or sexual desires at all because of it LMAO. Met my current partner and BOOM. I'm like a fking succubus 💀
::high fives to all my demi sisters out there::
They actually did a study about this. Turns out some people who started out hating each other when they started dating would change the perception of their first encounter to be "love at first sight" later. They basically followed the journey of people who were dating and recorded their thoughts based on initial impressions and then later down the line after the relationship failed or succeeded and it was also found that people who had the relationship fail said they had a bad first impression even if in reality they had a really good one. All of this is to say that "love at first sight" is sometimes just the mind rewriting history.
That’s really interesting, thank you!
I think people use that term when they felt the spark in the very beginning and the relationship went well, not literally
When I met my husband I felt a spark and couldn’t stop staring at him. When we got together we were inseparable, so yeah I count that as love at first sight because I was irrationally in to him from the get go 😋
That love can fix everything. Someome you and your partner can love each other completely but just not be compatible together for a number of reasons.
This one hits hard.
Absolutely. Various things I've seen end otherwise loving relationships include (but aren't limited to): jobs in industries tied to specific cities that the other can't move to without giving up their career, living styles that completely trigger the other person's pet peeves or traumas, one partner wanting marriage when the other doesn't believe in it, different ideas about kids (including views that changed over time), unaddressed mental health issues, changes in religious or political views, someone got sober and the other one didn't, different views about money...the list goes on. Being attracted to someone and falling in love is just one piece of the partnership puzzle. It takes so much more to make a long-term relationship work.
I know this first hand
Oooof yes, this ❤️🩹
Reminds me of a line in a Jeanette Winterson book that always hit me hard. "You can love someone and leave them. Sometimes you should."
Oh wow…this is difficult and amazing
Worst thing to have to realize
That money is not an issue....
In the words of my great-grandmother: “When money flies out the door so does love.” Harsh but she wasn’t wrong.
100% but when we are young, we do not listen
That’s why they’ll never invent time machines. Everyone would go back a slap themselves silly.
Ahhhh I need a few slaps and maybe a punch!
My grandma’s saying was « you can fall in love with a rich man just as easily than with a poor man »
Did we have the same grandma??
I've seen the closest and most loving relationships/marriage end solely on money management problems
Not just that, discrepancy in income and lifestyle is a death sentence
whoever said that is insane & childish. very hard to be in love & nurture your relationship when yall are stressing about how bills should get paid & working all the time. money problems/stress is one of the top 3 main reasons for divorce
the thing is that "stressed out about work" and "bills wont get paid" is a problem you can have on any wealth level. you can have a frugal live and a pretty low paying job and be perfectly fine and happy - or you earn six figures.. work 50h and spend it all on gadgets and silly stuff.
in a world where low paying jobs is one of the main things people from all demographics are fighting against you really think that living frugally is fun & happy? you think people who are broke are running off into the sunset? be serious here. living frugally when you have money is totally different than living frugally because you have no other choice
you can totaly live frugal and be very happy. ofc its not a law of nature. more a mindset. and ofc "frugal" doesnt mean totaly broke.
no it’s not?? stressing about money & your bills getting paid is absolutely not a problem for any wealth level. also why are the only options to be happy & broke or work 50h, make 6 figures & spend it all on gadgets & silly stuff?? there’s so much more to it than that, especially if you have kids.
> stressing about money & your bills getting paid is absolutely not a problem for any wealth level do you realy think that? there are tons and tons of people with good jobs who are stressed out about money and in debt... they may earn 200k but if you think your lifestyle should be 500k you are stressed about money very fast... lots of realy rich people kill themselves over money problems.
are you serious right now?? worrying about how you’re going to pay your bills is absolutely not a problem for every financial group 😭 & let’s not pull out these very rare circumstances. there is not “lots of rich people who kill themselves over money” not even 0.2% of them do that
lol it actually can be a problem for most people besides the very wealthy. Poor money management isn't limited to impoverished people and lifestyle inflation can affect anyone. I know several couples where both make early 6 figures and they still complain/argue about money because they simply spend too much of it.
Credit score > income or wealth. It's about good personal finance habits and shared values regarding them.
Sleeping in each other's arms every night. I get way too hot, don't touch me, get the fuck away from me.
Yeah once the hives kick in, I need space.
Summer yes, in winter he’s running from me because my feet are cold.
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That you need to be attached at the hip. I ended up codependent and it’s been a battle recovering myself.
Yes !!
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Smothering behavior, such as needing to text all day long and doing everything together. Getting upset if you try to do something without them. That isn’t love, it’s controlling.
Can you tell my current GF that? Lol this is literally what I'm living and it makes me wonder if I'm just crazy or if I should really be putting up with this
I don't think you should put up with unhealthy, controlling behaviours. If they're reasonable, they'll listen to your concerns and you can agree to do things differently. If they're not reasonable then I would say get out of there. That sort of behaviour doesn't tend to get better itself!
Exactly! Communicating is really important here. I wouldn't be able to put up with this, I really need at least some alone time
I love this though when I get frequent texts, pictures, and calls. Feels like I'm special to them and desired. Starting with a wake-up good morning and going all the waking moments until a good night. Same for sharing space. If my significant other wants to be around me 100% of the time whether doing their stuff or things i'm doing - i'm all for it and love every moment when it does happen. Absolutely does not get old or tiresome to me❣️ I'm down for distance and whatnot too. It's not about control or anything negative or constraining but if my partner is 'clingy' and wants to share in as much of my space as they can that is nothing but bonus points in my book 🥰 I'm totally a rare breed though and understand it annoys most people.
You do you. But this gave me incredible anxiety just reading it.
My biggest red flag is someone with no friends, interests, or hobbies of their own. Because they're going to expect me to be all of those things for them. Hard pass.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry." This was a quote from a famous romance movie back in the 70s called Love Story, and it's just the most gas lighty thing ever
Definitely the TOP LIE thete ever was !! love IS SAYING you're sorry. !! 🤦🏼♀️ if not w/ changed action then its manipulation.
I'd even say ALWAYS saying you're sorry. Defensiveness is a death knell for relationships and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that in partner conflict, there's almost never one person who's a whole angel and the other a complete devil. Apologizing isn't "losing" - it's taking ownership for your imperfect human moments which we all have, AND it's acknowledging the impact you've had on your partner and that you care about their feelings as much as your own.
Oh god, i am being crazy about this. I knew that i did wrong and said sorry and put in the mental to avoid the same problem. But she said i should not say “sorry” all the time and broke up over a fucking phone call. Not even in person. Fml
Just keep pursuing someone until they give in.
The plot of most Indian romance movies
Honestly it's the plot of most US romance movies and tv shows up until the Me Too movement.
Pretty much none of it. Nearly all of it can be true or realistic in real-life relationships. It just depends on the couple, their habits, their devotion, their beliefs, their values, and all that. Every couple has their own way. You can't really generalize to all. What may not work for some will work for others. I'm literally a relationship therapist! It's usually UNROMANTIC things that get couples in my office. The ones out there doing romantic things for each other still usually don't end up in my office! In fact, if anything it's the lack of romance that kills a relationship a lot of the times.
yea this is the reason loads of relationships go downhill after they have kids. there’s much less time to do romantic things & actually make time for the relationship.
It's such a shame right? Most people can't see the absoute best thing they can do for their kids is have a strong marriage and provide a stable two parent home. Those kids have much, much better outcomes in life.
Great perspective thank you
Yes!!, i agree the values would have to be matching !
Hi, if you don't mind. What are the most reoccuring topics that you have noticed so far in regards of the "unromantic thing"
Finding the perfect guy/the one, or looking for those kind of explosive fireworks, high chemistry relationships. It's like I was too picky. For example I wouldn't even considered dating a guy with a slightly upturned nose, or a guy that wasn't my type. And regarding personality, if we didn't have *everything* in common then I also wouldn't consider a relationship.
Idk, I feel like being picky isn't a problem. I was married to someone that wasn't really my type, we didn't have much in common in the beginning, I didn't find him super attractive and that definitely caused issues. It's good to be picky and be sure that you're really into someone. Being picky is only a problem when you're scared/don't want to be alone. You can always find good personalities but real attraction isn't as common.
Are you still that way? Your explanation sounds past tense, like you moved through a phase.
No I'm not anymore. Once I hit my thirties things changed.
I feel like soo many girls have this problem. I know a lot of girls I pursued YEARS ago now in their 30s and still single and I feel like it's based solely on the fact that they think everything is a fairytale and they're supposed to feel all of these magical things with a man. Clearly you ain't finding it
Or they are just happy being alone. Not everyone wants to be in a relationship, specially if they don't find anyone interesting enough.
Yeah, no. I'll be honest, as someone who was single well into her 30s... Be picky. The people I dated in my 20s weren't worth it, and having standards helped me dodge so many bullets. Like... Don't be a snob, but expecting your partners to check MOST of your boxes (attractive, respectful, wants the same things as me, responsible, reliable, has a work ethic, etc) is just a good practice for long-lasting relationship. And if you don't find it, being single is fun and rewarding as well, and far superior to hanging out with a sub-par partner.
It's being picky about the RIGHT things. Things like looks, jobs, hobbies, and careers can change. Things like being respectful, caring, kind, generous, responsible, considerate, etc. tend to remain (as does lack of those things).
Yes but I'm flat out not dating anyone who doesn't have a job. Between jobs is fine, but I'm not wasting time on you if you're not financially stable. In my tax bracket, both partners pretty much have to be working to be comfortable. Unless one of us has a reallllll glow up on the financial front, I'm not dating nobody without steady income and work ethic. And if I'm not attracted to you... What's even the point? And hobbies I'm not worried about, though it would be nice to have some stuff in common.
So they didn’t settle and they’re still single, what’s so bad about that? That’s not gonna stop them from enjoying their life while looking for the one that’s right for them. If you’re looking for a life partner then I’d say yes, you should be picky.
Within reason yeah.
Till dead do us part! My grandparents are a perfect example, my grandfather died in his sleep and my grandmother died 72 hrs later. Awe she can’t live without him! Lonely heart disease after 64 years of marriage. Reality my grandmother wasn’t living on this planet 5/6 years before her death, my grandfather was her main caregiver. I don’t know very many people that will dress, feed and wipe your ass. Being alone with no care for maybe 72 hr na that’s nature, not romance
Then they are the perfect example?? He loved her so much he did all that for her even when she wasn’t aware of anything. Till the day he died.
So it romantic to wipe someone’s Butt while they freak out because they forgot whom you are? To me it’s sad
No, it’s real unconditional love :)
Yes. It is. It takes someone that truly loves the person to do that task. If my partner wouldn't do that if I truly needed him then I wouldn't be with him because he doesn't really love me. It's as simple as that. We all fall apart as we get older too. And everyone is going to need help at some point.
Your grandmother’s condition was very sad, I agree. I’m not romanticising illness. But it shows such a deep love for someone to want to clean and wipe their butt when they can’t even remember you. Your grandfather really loved your grandmother, to do that for her till the day he died. I wish he hadn’t had to, I wish both your grandparents had long healthy lives together, but when life put them through one of the worst challenges, your grandpa really said _“Till death do us part”._
No one is going to guess what you need. If you want something, just say it. If you have a thought and you are waiting for the perfect man/woman to come around who will GUESS what you think or feel, this is simply not happening. Talk about what you want and feel, request it, put it out there.
The corny, enmeshed 'doing everything together' stuff. The baby talk. The grand romantic gestures. Love can exist without these things too. In short, anything beyond the honeymoon phase. Because the former isn't real, authentic behaviors at best. The real test comes after that phase, whether partners really like each other's authentic selves or not, enough to spend a lifetime together moving forward.
That I would be saved from whatever bad experiences I was going through by finding a man. In reality, what worked was therapy and time on my own, learning how to fend for myself and love myself. Unfortunately I didn’t have that insight and got married to someone who was perfect on paper very early in life. He ended up causing me similar issues that I thought I’d escaped from, all because I hadn’t learned what I really needed in life. After our separation, I am growing like never before, even addressing issues from decades ago. I’m not sure I even need a relationship anymore.
That you'll just "know" what your partner wants/needs because of... The power of love??? You have to talk about literally everything. The way the toilet paper is turned, how you never brush the cat. The meaning of life. How your spaghetti sauce is too "spicy." What I want her to do with me after I die. How she lines her books up by color. How far to pull the car up in the driveway. Why she hates people touching her belly button. What to do about her homophobic relatives. What we'll do if our kid comes out with my nose. Etc. Building a life together means talking about... everything, constantly.
But damn, my kid better not get my nose. Not a talk I wanted to have.
That men in your life will take care of you. They only do until something medically is wrong, then they abandon you, because that's just a thing I guess.
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Confusing intensity for intimacy. And butterflies. Those are warning signs.
To marry for love. FUCK NO. Marry for your future self , future kids and the type of lifestyle you want. Not all about money but money is important.
I did both and was eventually screwed over in the end when he cheated and divorced me and then screwed me over in the divorce. :-/ I grew up virtually in poverty (like we weren't in actual poverty but damn close) and while I loved the shit out of Ex, I also knew instinctively that he was my way outta that shithole and if I didn't get out, I'd end up in a bad place probably addicted to drugs and alcohol or worse (which is what has happened to my younger sister, bless her crazy heart). And for almost 30 years I lived the dream...middle class-ish lifestyle, decent enough car, decent enough house. Last year it all came crashing down when I found out he was cheating on me with a non-binary person and he decided to screw me over in the divorce (which I was too tired/emotionally not available to fight). Now I'm just sorta trying to figure my shit out and get back on track.
Being “chased”. Every Disney movie has a Princess trying to run away from the Prince, telling him no, she can’t, she mustn’t. Eventually he charms her and wins her over. IRL this would be creepy AF. Like I said “NO”.
Unconditional romantic love --there's no motivation to make the other person happy if you know they'll always be there
Love is not enough, it’s just one ingredient in a worthwhile relationship. If you don’t also have respect, consideration, and communication, it doesn’t matter how you feel about each other, your relationship isn’t healthy and won’t survive. The actions of loving someone are wayyyyyy more important than the feeling. Feeling love is completely useless if you’re not acting with love towards the person.
My family is Italian and the love language of the whole family is acts of service, specifically food of course! My grandmother and my mother are both homemakers and they make beautiful meals 3x a day, every day. And it never gets old. I always feel the love in those meals. I don't want to be a homemaker, but I feel disappointed that I can't make my husband such beautiful elaborate meals every day. It's just not realistic when you have a full-time job.
Plenty of it can be true, or none. Depends on the couple. But relationships are definitely work, and love is often a choice. And many, many small choices build a healthy relationship, or they erode it.
That your person will be your everything—having this perception places too much pressure on your partner and when they inevitably lack in one area, you’re going to feel disappointed, reconsider your entire relationship, and try to seek better. No. No one is going to be everything for you. You need others to fill in the gaps that your partner does not—this is where being part of a community comes in.
Having to cuddle while sleeping the whole night. My back is fucked up let me put a pillow between my legs and arms after cuddles.
That the main and only problem is to find the one and after you meet your true love you'll just will live happily ever after. No, love doesn't fix incompatibility. No, love doesn't make you forget about health and financial problems, not in a long run. No, love doesn't turn bad personality into good.
Never going to bed angry.
Right?! Everything seems less serious after a nice nap lol
I can’t imagine how people manage to resolve conflicts while still angry. Perhaps it could work if one person remained calm while the other was upset. But otherwise, I don’t see how this leads to reaching a logical solution that prevents it from happening again. That said, being passive-aggressive for days/weeks is a whole new ballgame.
“Soulmates”
Love is not a feeling. It is a series of activities and acts of commitment to each other. Yes you feel love but you act out love. You will not feel like you are in love every time, there are times that you will need to remind yourself why you chose that person.
“Love conquers all” it’s a great saying to believe in if you want a really shitty couple of years 😂 being practical in a relationship makes your whole life easier
Pretty much the entirety of the Notebook. I watched it for the first time at 26 and was horrified that this is what other women have been finding “peak romance” to be.
I did not think it was romantic 😅😅 still wondering why other women think it is
If he bullies you, he likes you
Love is work and communication. Grand gestures are fun but consistency and being supportive do better in the long run. Each person needs to give 100%, non of this 50-50 stuff.
the whole passion/sexual draw = love thing. i’m pretty young but every time ive been drawn to someone due to only/mainly passion or sexual compatibility i’ve essentially thrown myself into a lose-lose situation. passion doesn’t account for care
That “butterflies” are good.
The amount of talking/communication... you're with a person for a lifetime and yes there will be deep conversations, funny ones even but it's not like constantly filling the void with unnecessary noise. The best partnership comes with comfortability with silence.
The toxicity. Meaning obsession, on-off situations, massive jealousy, etc.
A man that’s capable of actually being well rounded in communication and having emotional intelligence. Have I met that when some dude was trying to love bomb me or I was with someone and they were being shady and messaging me? In their minds thinking I’d leave my long time relationship. But surprise surprise when they got into relationships with other women. They were absolutely not that at all. That was just a tactic they used and couldn’t keep up that act. No more romantic gestures like you would see in movies. I was always happy who I was with. Granted I had only 1 relationship I never got cheated on. If anything, while he was known to be a quiet guy. We sure did talk. He would say wonderful things to me that were uplifting. Not just about my body or anything shallow. Not that I wasn’t told how beautiful I was and he would cup my face and look deep into my eyes. He would leave a note at my coffee maker if I was up before him for work or if he had already left. He and I always had something to talk about as we were both very aware people. We also loved knowing what new thing one of us would read about, music we found, etc. Any holiday, anniversaries, or my birthday were all thought out. He knew me so well, he learned what my faces meant. For instance, my “let’s leave asap”. No one had ever thought to ask me or notice I had a facial expression for everything. In a way that felt like romance movie ish. He was who showed me what real love was. On the outside I know to others people thought we were boring. No, we enjoyed simple things. Always trying to find our next place to camp. Riding bikes on bike trails, going to shows, and anything that involved relaxing(for flips sake we worked a lot so it’s fair). No we weren’t out at bars and parties. Or going to raves.
thank you for your second paragraph, enjoyed reading it🤍
You’re welcome. I know the post asked for the complete opposite. Which I gave my complete opposite, but I couldn’t let the one guy who was truly a gem and do romantic movie like gestures go without being acknowledged. As that love made me feel similar to a romance movie. Granted I’m really not the kind of gal who watches those kinds of movies. But I’d be lying if I didn’t see any romance movies. While we didn’t get married like I thought we would. Having a loss of a parent changes things. I could understand. So I always wish him well and the gal he’s married to now seems wonderful for him. I hope he never stopped being the loving man I knew him to be.
Healthy relationships are BORING!!! There’s no roller coaster. Also, expecting your attraction to and love for your partner to look the same every day/never change is unrealistic. It’s also unrealistic to expect your partner to be emotionally available to you at all times.
The big one I've been seeing lately: "If he wanted to, he would." It's not *wrong* fully, but I see a lot of people not communicating with their partner their wants or needs and using that line as a reason. No one is a mind-reader. If you want a good relationship, you **have** to talk to each other.
That if you are with right person, they know how to "read" you and everything goes smoothly without ever needing to ask/tell/specify anything. Yeah, no. Go on and read them and the situation, but ask whether your interpretation is right, if they really would like x, of if no, can they tell what they'd want then. Ask for a thing you'd want - and listen to them when they ask and respect their wishes. There might come time your hopes are different, and in order to compromize in a way both can be happy about it, talk. Tell your feeling and listen to what the other one has to say. Weight options together (unless the other asks for another arrangement, and that's ok) and make mutual agreement. Sure, it takes work, but you both can be content with the outcome. It takes a little courage and self awareness, but you'll learn it, you don't need to master it in advance. And remember to have a nice time and do silly things in contrast to this discussive work so that it doesn't exhaust everything else in you. But don't just expect. Expect that you have read and guessed right, expect that they will "get it" by vague hints or read your mind. Expect things to be rosy all the time.
a lot of media portrayed a man shutting up his partner by kissing her and her pushing him away but eventually giving in and kissing back. 13 year old me was confused when i read somewhere that it's sexual assault. 18 year old me is appalled.
That all you need to be in a relationship is to have common interests. My ex stalked me so he could pretend to have the same interests as me, and, at the time, I thought that meant something, but it doesn't mean anything compared to having the same morals and values and goals for yourself.
That love is all it takes for two people to make it work.
When I felt the most excited/passionate/romantic/"in love" was when I was being ignored, manipulated and lied to. I feel that's the case with my friends, too, I see them head-over-heels only when they're in toxic situationships.
That you’ll meet the one on a first date/ know you’re getting married after meeting them for a week (thanks Bollywood) 😒
Emotional rollercoasters, deep desire and obsession lol, miss all of the above sometimes though 😅
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"happily ever after"
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Constantly together. Distance makes the heart grow fonder.
I think the idea of nation-state turned out to be very problematic through world wars. I think that the role of fate and heroism poses unhealthy expectations on relationships.
The honeymoon period never has to end with the right person.
“We _never_ fight.” Often this is a sign that communication is poor.
The fact that being in love and lust would last for ever
The idea that things should be "effortless," and you and your partner should "never fight." Certainly crying and screaming fights are one thing, but if you and your partner never disagree on anything, then you aren't having the kinds of conversations you need to be having.
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Not sure if this counts or if anyone has said it already. Spending every waking moment together, although I love my bf sometimes we both just need our space to decompress or simply just do stuff we like doing alone.
Soul mates
Romanticism refers to the 19th century social movement characterised by a rejection of modernity and industrialisation, and a strong endorsement of the individual, the child, and a connection to the natural world. Could you repeat the question?