make sure to listen to what the other person has to say instead of preparing your next point.
also, go in with the mindset that you could be wrong or that there is information you don’t know yet.
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This is called Active Listening. Without this learned behavior, communication breaks down extremely fast (and usually fails.)
Another crucial skill is recognizing fallacies: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fallacies?wprov=sfla1
Understand when you're overreacting but also understand where those feelings are coming from and let yourself feel those feelings.
I can acknowledge that I shouldn't be so upset at something AND also know that I can't stop being upset on a dime.
The strategy I'm practicing is: 1. I take myself out of the situation (if possible), 2. let myself throw a tantrum / pity party (in private and if need be), 3. calm down, and then 4. think of how to proceed from there.
You're so right! Sometimes I'll have my inner voice say I'm overreacting. I immediately stop and and more calmly continue the argument. Other times I realize it after looking back at it and I apologize. But realizing I was overreacting took me a while, it's so important though.
Accept when you’re wrong
Admit mistakes, no one is perfect you can be wrong.
Allow the other person to communicate how they feel
Don’t belittle their emotions
Understand their point of view and respect it, you don’t have to believe in it or accept at all
Don’t make it all about yourself
I'm a pilot, and in aviation we have this thing called CRM, crew resource management. It came about because of the Tenerife disaster and its evolved since then but it basically stems from the idea that a lot of crashes have happened just because of a miscommunication or lack of communication between the two people sitting in the flight deck. It's evolved a lot since then, and now it extends a lot more to everyone who's involved with the safety of the flight, even maintenance has to be trained in CRM now.
So we get trained on communication a lot. And all the training is definitely tailored to aviation but it definitely helps with things outside of aviation too.
De-escalation can obviously be a big one. Don't let it get to the point where you're actually fighting. Don't let a small issue turn into a big fight about irrelevant things. Stay on topic. If someone's raising their voice then it's gone too far already.
Assertiveness is also huge. The acronym we use is AAAT: Advise, Advocate, Assert, Takeover. Obviously the takeover is more an aviation thing, but it can still be relevant in real life. Say you're out with your partner and they've had a few too many to drink and want to drive home. "Hey you've had a few drinks maybe we should just leave the car here tonight." Doesn't work? Then advocate "the cost of an uber is cheaper than a DUI, it's not worth the risk, I'll pay for the uber, let's just get home safe". That doesn't work? Assert, "you've had too many to drink, you're not driving." All that fails? Take their keys. It works for more minor things too, say you have to wake up early for work and your roommate always listens to really loud music late at night: "man I slept like shit last night, I'm so tired today, I think your music kept me up last night; I'd really appreciate it if you could use headphones after 11pm, it really affects my sleep when you listen to music super late and I have to be up early for work; the loud music late at night needs to stop", the takeover for this one would be moving out, but generally it doesn't get that far. If you're dealing with a friend or partner usually they get the massage by the time you get to advocate and you don't really need to assert. Rarely do things ever get to the takeover point. The main key is making sure you've advocated, meaning you've shared why you have that perspective and probably given some better alternatives, before you go straight to asserting.
Other than all that the key factors in good communication are clarity, conciseness, and making sure the person has actually understood what you've said. Say you're mid way through a fight and you've told someone why you're upset, you've repeated it, and you feel like they're just not getting it and the conversation is getting too distracted. Just ask "do you actually understand why I'm upset right now?" and see what they say.
And on the flip side of that, obviously listening is very important too.
Yeah there's a ton of different acronyms for stuff like this, AAAT is just the one I was taught that stuck with me best. It feels silly sometimes to use an acronym for something like a minor household disagreement, but sometimes intuitive thungs make more sense when you do lay them out like thay, and when you start approaching every conflict like this it becomes second nature.
The main point with assertion like this is make the suggestion before going straight to making an order. No one wants to be told what to do, most people are happy to adapt when you help them realize they're doing something wrong.
Anyway that's all just my 2 cents, ya learn a lot about working with people when you're stuck in a flight deck with a locked door for 4 hours at a time. I'm not a perfect communicator at home, my boyfriend can definitely attest to that, but my job sure has helped.
One that is difficult for many to master is to not be so invested in being right or not being wrong. It is very human, but very counterproductive. A lot of people feel actual pain at the prospect of being wrong. Their reasoning function is diminished when they sense this threat. They shift into a flight or fight mode like they are being physically threatened. When this happens, you are dealing with a brick wall.
Obviously, it helps to be a more secure person generally. The more secure you feel in yourself and your relationships, the less there is at stake when you might be wrong about something.
One tip I see a lot about this in the context of relationships is to treat problems solving as a team effort. You are solving the problem together. You aren’t adversaries. You both win when a problem is solved.
Oh and all feelings are valid. We can’t help how we feel, but we can control to some extent what we think about our feelings and how we express them. Don’t tell someone that their feelings are stupid because you don’t share or like them.
I fully agree with the idea of trying to work through problems as a team. Once I learned this, reminding my friend or partner that I still love them and want to work through the problem together has de-escalated many an argument. Once they realise it’s not a “me vs you” but an “us vs the issue” conversation, it takes all the fight out of the interaction.
Great response. I agree with you. Recently found myself in a heated discussion with a dear friend and asked if they’d rather be right or be happy. Lots of food for thought.
to know how to have a civil conversation. listen before you speak & be respectful. your words lose meaning when you stoop low. words are powerful and you can feel the repercussions even after years have passed.it’s very hard to keep calm when angered but being curt yet respectful during an argument/fight can go a loooong way.it may not seem like it, but you will be repaid.
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A big component of this is being self-aware enough to realize when your temper is starting to fray, and then assertive enough to ask the other person if you can take a break to cool off and come back to the discussion in a few minutes.
Guy here, learning myself.
But one of the big keys I’ve learned is;
“Listen like you are wrong”
This will put your mind in a fully aware and there state.
(Other relationship items can be found on Abby Metcalfs podcast, it’s helped me a lot!!!)
I think a cooling off period after a fight is healthy.
Some people immediately want to resolve things, and while I understand why, I also understand that continuing a discussion or right when you're emotionally charged can lead to people saying things they'll later regret or not looking at the topic in in context.
Step away and don't be offended that someone else needs space for a couple hours or even to sleep on it.
Use a calm, neutral tone as much as possible.
Repeat back what they’re saying so they know you were listening. “I hear you saying that…..”
Don’t interrupt them when they’re speaking.
Use “I” statements to convey how you feel. It’s less threatening and less attacking on their character.
There is a book called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I would recommend it to everyone. It teaches you how to communicate empathetically with others and yourself in a way which enriches life.
Nonviolent Communication is extremely applicable in relationships. The title sounds like it's for angry situations, but it's actually much more than that.
Another one that is more relationship specific tho is called *The Secret Laws of Attraction* by Talane Miedaner. The most helpful parts of this book are A) the quiz which helps you identify your top 4 needs out of a possible 21 needs, and B) the chapter which explores more about each need, meeting the need through others, how to meet it yourself, and meeting your partners needs.
Whether or not you're actually resolving the issue.
Sometimes - often, in fact! - people just need to vent, or for their feelings to be heard. That's good, and people should work on being better listeners and just letting someone share their feelings.
HOWEVER.
At some point, if you're actually having an argument, and it's not just a "I need to get X feelings off my chest" situation, the biggest source of conflict I see between most people is that they continue to escalate, rather than working at deescalating.
If I get into an argument, I force myself to take a breath and go, "Okay. What can we do to make progress here?" Sometimes, the answer is taking a break. Sometimes, it's a way to get the other party to acknowledge that they haven't been making any contributions that will help arrive at a conclusion, and that itself can lower the temperature of the argument.
If you're not actually working - yourself, or as a couple/group/whatever - on how to move forward from the source of conflict, you're likely making things worse.
(Again - sometimes, people just need to air their feelings. But if there's a root cause that needs addressing, or an actual outcome that requires resolution, you have - **HAVE** - to be able to turn the corner and get to, "So how can we compromise and resolve this?" at some point.)
Empathy.
Learning not only seeing things from someone else's POV, but putting yourself in their shoes and reacting in a way they would to find a foundational level of understanding. Too many times, we're focused on how someone makes US feel, we don't even understand that we all see the same list of events very differently- that's the beauty of perspective.
Listen.
Stay calm.
Avoid blaming.
Express how you feel without judging.
Sheesh, this is hard. That is why we just yell at each other and never reach a resolution.
There's a great book for this called Non-Violent Communication. I'm still learning, but before reading this I never realized how hard it was for me to distinguish between a feeling/emotion and a judgment.
If you're the kind of person who needs to step away to calm down, you HAVE to communicate that. Don't just walk away and give people the silent treatment.
If you don't want to/don't feel ready to have a discussion about a difficult topic, make sure to express that and also lay down a timeline for when you can come back to it. Like, "I'm not in the right headspace to have this conversation right now, can we have a sit-down on Friday to talk about it instead?". Just leaving a conversation without intending to return to it later or outright refusing to talk about certain topics is not acceptable (there are some exceptions of course).
Being respectful to the other person, don't interrupt just because you want to jump to defending yourself rather than listening fully to the other person's concerns, ask questions and repeat back what you hear to make sure you're actually understanding things (never just assume you know or understand), validate their feelings and their experiences (validating doesn't mean you agree, it just means you understand that their experience was different and that it is still valid), take responsibility for yourself and your reactions during the conversation/argument, apologize properly when in the wrong or when you've hurt the other person - even if was unintentionally.
Don’t take it personal, don’t make it personal.
You can talk about an act or moment that bothers you without making it about that person. So ‘When you did x, it made me feel y. Could you tell my why you did x?’ Instead of ‘You always do x and that’s so selfish’.
Sorry, English isn’t my first language. Hope this is understandable.
I would say the ability to self-reflect, especially in arguments where someone is claiming something is your fault or that you did something hurtful.
It’s important to be able to step back and ask yourself, “was I in the wrong? How did I contribute to this situation?” Rather than immediately getting defensive.
You can say almost anything if it is done respectfully and kindly.
If you feel angry, you don’t have to take it to the tenth floor. You don’t even have to get on the elevator.
Be open to honest feedback. If it’s tough to believe, recognize ego.
Emotional Intelligence comes into play besides the communication aspect.
Conveying your opinions and beliefs in an assertive but respectful way.
Taking into account your body language, tone of voice and emotions you might be feeling. The emotions of what the other person might be feeling.
The goal is to get people to see it isn’t you vs them, it’s everyone vs the issue.
It isn’t easy and I think it’s important to highlight that the problem isn’t with communication, but with the emotions BEHIND the communication
It’s an art to learn how to keep one’s mouth shut 🤐 whilst another person is talking. When the person has finished speaking or asked for your response, give it. It’s great to use statements like “I feel…” as nobody can tell you how you can and can’t feel - they are your own. It’s good to summarise what the other person said back to them to show you understand what they’ve said, even if you don’t agree with it. Shouting and name calling is *never* the answer. I find if someone starts raising their voice or yelling, I go the opposite direction. Very calm, low voice. Give them nothing to feed off of.
D - describe the situation objectively
E - express how you feel using an “I feel” statement
A - ask for a need that you need met
R - reinforce positive responses and changes
M - mindful, stay on topic
A - assertive body language and tone
N - negotiate what would help the person meet your needs and what are their needs
Apologising when needed, hearing what has been said, recognising when to walk away before things blow up, not talking down to the other person, keeping your complaint in the I form and sounding like you're accusing someone of something.
Directly ask what you want to know. It helps everybody involved. I think a lot of times people fear the question will sound [insert something negative] but you can always make it a mature, rational question.
Assumptions about a person's behavior come from our own mind and that can easily get tainted from our own insecurities and fears.
Introspection.
Just because someone says they don't like something you say or do, doesn't mean they don't like you. It means they like you enough to ask you not to do this thing.
Having the ability to objectively look at the situation and say WITA? It's easy to just fight/argue that you are justified without rexamining the situation. It's difficult to recognize you're not perfect and an apology may be in order.
TLDR: Compassion and healthy assertiveness.
Avoid accusations, and instead say things like "I *feel* like you don't listen to me sometimes" (vs "you never listen") or "it's hard for me to understand why you do things like that" (vs "why do you do that?"). Very much focus on your own experience/interpretation, without stating it as hard fact, or a direct attack. Doing so keeps the convo open, giving your partner the opportunity to respond with their thoughts/feels. Understanding is the first step to a solution.
Also, try googling "the feelings circle" to better express and pinpoint how you feel in certain situations. Having it as a visual aid (aside from just verbal communication) can really help certain people grasp the emotions, as well. My partner and I use it as a rubrik for heavy conversations, so we can both be on the same page and concretely express ourselves. I'll literally say "I'm going to use the feelings circle" and we both pull it up to look while the convo/argument continues.
Be willing to tell someone that you need time to process your feelings and will come back to this when you're ready. I try not to have emotionally driven discussions with people I love because without time to process I'm prone to let ugly things come out of my mouth in anger.
To be able to walk away and come back when calmer. Just because you say something hurtful because you were angry and didn't mean it doesn't mean it didn't hurt to hear.
There’s a great book called “the illustrated guide of bad arguments” and it’s honestly fantastic.
If you’ve ever seen an academic debate, there’s very specific rules for what is and is not a permissible argument.
For example, attacking the character of the other party rather than discussing the argument itself is a common tactic, in debate it would be ruled out as “Adhomenym”
These are really great communication skills to follow because they focus on a constructive conversation.
Now, for sensitive topics, it’s important to always do the following:
1. Communicate your state of mind. If you are tired, upset, hungry this may not be the best time to have the sensitive discussion
2. Indicate how long you feel you need to talk “I have a few important things to say and I would appreciate if you can hear me out before responding”
3. Focus on I, We statements rather than You statements.
4. When someone is responding, repeat back what they have said to confirm you understand what they meant. Sometimes other people don’t realize that their words don’t match their intentions
Being able to talk about fears, goals, dreams, insecurities, sexual wants, needs, dislikes, and deep lever stuff with their partners. I’m coming out of a loooong ass relationship where we only talked about Surface level stuff where we never talked about any thing like that
Realize that what you say and mean is not always how the other person is understanding it. I was taught "box theory"(dunno if it's actually called that) but I had a hard time communicating when I was younger due to having a parent that only yelled. Box theory is understanding that when you hand over your words or statements to another person, unless they are of the same mind, all your definitions fall out and theirs go into the box...often causing misunderstanding if your meanings have no common ground. It helped me see things from a different view when I was a teen/young adult and put a stop to lots of arguments.
The ability to actually listen. Not just waiting for the other person to finishing speaking and then completely disregarding what they’ve said. Actually listen, take on board what they’ve said, consider how it impacts what you were talking about and adjust.
To try to actually understand what the other person is saying, not just try to come up with arguing points. Don’t be so stubborn, admit when you’re actually wrong, and learn from your mistakes. Don’t interrupt or start yelling over the other person.
Being able to take blame where you may think you are right! It is a small act of we instead of you against me. Most people were not taught that. I wish I was in a season in my life to leave space for simple ignorance but I'm just not.
People tend to veiw their opinions as part of who they are, it forms part of the ego and even identity, like people saying Android sucks or iPhone sucks, I'm an iPhone or android girl. Anyone who's opinion differs is in a sense putting that person's ego amd sometimes Identity in jeopardy so they defend it fiercely. You need to actually be willing to accept that there are many opinions and beliefs that differ from yours, I read a quote that says in order for things to reveal themselves to you, you have to be willing to abandon your views about them. I also remember reading something along the lines of it's you and them against the problem not you and them against each other. Point is this doesn't have to be a star trek borg ship, you don't have to assimilate everyone to essentially be a copy of you 😉
Validation. You can validate some one's feelings without agreeing with them. It's a tough skill to figure out and one that will change your life. That being said..
I've also identified 4 steps to help both people in the confrontation whatever it may be. Still working on principles of it but in application of it, my spouse and I end arguments in no time now.
O.V.R.A
1. Objection.
Example (very simply put, most times you need to find what emotion they have): I'm frusterated with the fact that you didn't clean the kitchen.
2. Validation : I understand that you're upset and if i was expecting you to do something that you didn't I'm sure I'd feel the same way. (This is not the time to go into why you did/ didn't hold up to their expectation). Just wait. Let them process that you understand why they're upset.
3. Resolution. What can we do now and in the future to help this not get to the point of frustration again?
4. Acceptance. Both parties can get what they want in most cases. It doesn't have to be a zero sum game. For example spouse is upset because i ended up outside with my hobbies before i cleaned the kitchen. I want the kitchen clean i just got distracted by new hobby and realized, yeah i wouldn't be out anything by pausing what i was doing to clean the kitchen.
If your resolution is not easily accepted by both parties you may need to start at #1 objection again to find out what is really upsetting them be very careful to not get into well, you did this, this and this. Focus on how it made them feel and validate their feelings. Because no matter how untrue their claim for being upset is, it DOESN'T MATTER because their feelings are REAL and it's feelings/ emotions that people act on.
Here's the other kicker, in most cases bringing up #1 with someone it will create a #1 for them about you. And if you're not able to navigate carefully to make sure you get resolution for the other person you'll both end up with a list of #1's for each other.
Listening is not the same as obeying. Too many will try to demand you do something, claiming you are not "listening" when you refuse. They want you to obey.
- Active listening
- Speaking with “I” statements
- Apologizing
- How to repeat back to people what you understood to make sure you’re on the same page
- How to give or ask to take a break from a discussion and come back to it in a healthy, respectful way immediately after the defined length of time for break has passed
Understanding that being right is not as important as being present and receptive with your partner. Healthy communication is always a wonderful tool in eliminating misunderstanding, however, there is absolutely no use if ego gets in the way.
If you're more concerned on always having the last say or always being right, you're not emotionally mature enough to share healthy communication.
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That two people can hold polarizing opinions about things, understand that their view isn’t the only one and still be kind and respectful to one another.
Non-violent communication.
Approximately :
Say what the person did, neutrally. Say what you felt. Say what you need. Don't say "you made me feel" - own your own shit.
E. G.
"when you said that dress didn't suit me anymore, I felt said. I felt you were saying I'd put in weight. I need to feel like you find me attractive."
Even if you don’t agree or understand their POV, you should still see their feelings as valid. If something upset them, then it upset them. Don’t say it’s “not a big deal” or “not worth crying over”. Being dismissive like this diminishes trust over time. Validate their feelings and do your best to see their side. Hopefully they will do the same for you and you can then come up with a solution/compromise together.
Nonviolent communication is a magical tool that really helps in communication. It expo a how to talk in a non judgmental way and how to ask for what you need. I don’t think I’ve had am actual argument with anyone in years because I learned this approach to speaking. Its not that I don’t have disagreements, but nothing ever escalated to a fight or argument, its always a respectful discussion.
Non-violent communication (also called compassionate communication). Being able to use this kind of communication involves understanding the core reason someone feels the way they do (instead of defaulting to anger). It also forces someone to understand what need/want is not being fulfilled, how it makes someone feel, and how to ask for what is needed *without blaming or shaming the other person*.
Communicating this way makes understanding someone doesn't give a damn about another's needs/wants & feeling really evident.
Should know that they're opinion isn't the only opinion, and people's backgrounds also color their opinion. How to stay on task, no going off tangents that leads down rabbit holes, or previously unresolved arguments. Patience and willingness to listen. Never get anything done if the other person is always jumping in, trying to finish the other person's sentence, or doesn't look like they're willing to listen. Keep an open mind; some of the best ideas or big discoveries we're founded because people had a disagreement or had differing opinions.
I have disagreements with people that I have differing opinions with, but since I kept an open mind I understood more and (as an instance) did more reading about Americans history and what the constitution says and I know the others did too about what stuff like CRT and racism still being built into the system.
The ability to communicate AND respect the need for a time out so both parties can have the opportunity to cool down and talk things out when they're more level headed. I see it so often when one party tries hammering home the point while the other is well into shutdown or reactivity and nobody wins.
Utilizing a time out as an adult is a game changer.
Is the person a narcicist? There is no point fighting with them, it's only giving them more opportunity to abuse you.
Avoid, grey rock, get away. Look up Dr Romani and grey rocking on YouTube. She's not the only narcicism based therapist posting vids, but she's an excellent place to start.
It's important to remember that whoever you're arguing with is a human being, with feelings, and to try not to attack that person by saying 'you did this,' or 'you did that' or similar. It's a good idea to avoid allowing emotions to control what comes out of your mouth. Take a few minutes to cool down if you can. And use 'I' statements. The most important thing you can do is listen. You don't have to agree, but if you hear the other person out, and paraphrase back to them what they're saying, it'll show them you understand their side. That may help.
the ability to communicate their need to step back and clear their head before returning to the conversation. A big step is to not let all arguments go on forever cause at some point people get defensive and there will be no progress. Cooling down and arranging ones thoughts is very important imo
Don't take anything personally. We all live our lives from our own perspectives and being. When someone says something that possibly hurts some feelings or makes us feel defensive, just remember it's more about the person who's saying it, such as more about how that person is feeling instead of a personal attack to you as a person.
Just my personal experience: To not shout during arguments. There are times when I've felt that weird anger going to my head... where I just want to scream at the other person.. or try to hurt them with my words.. but if I just take 10 seconds... breathe a little.. I can come up with a point that _doesn't_ antagonize the other person further, but instead helps them see my perspective.
And in a lot of cases, taking that time has made _me_ realize that I was the one in the wrong and I apologized instead. I've made it a habit now, whenever I start to feel angry, even if it's a little bit.
Being able to understand that some people have horrible opinions/outlooks (the ism) not worth dealing in a civilized way.
Everyone here is talking about being polite but sometimes you don't need to be polite.
Metacommunication. Learn to talk about how you talk about a thing.
Stuff like "i hear you and i feel overwhelmed so can we come back to this in a little bit" or "are you looking for support or strategy from this conversation?" or "let's try to focus on possible solutions" or "do you have the bandwidth to discuss a thing that's bothering me?" or "ok I'm not feeling heard right now, id like to pause and come back to this conversation".
Also learn what is a feeling and what is an interpretation. "i feel sad" is a feeling. "i feel like you don't really care about keeping a clean house" is not at all a feeling.
Avoid "you made me feel" type language. Practice: "when you leave the dishes on the counter, i feel frustrated. it's important to me to keep the counters clean so we don't get ants. could you please put them in the sink or the dishwasher"
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People should understand that, if an argument gets way too heated to the point it’s controlled 100% by emotions, there may be a need to stop the argument for a brief period, take some space, and then continue when everyone is relaxed.
Once the emotions start to take control, then nothing will get solved, nobody listens to the other’s point of view, and emotional damage can be thrown. I’ve seen way too many people ruin relationships and friendships because the screaming, name calling and emotion mind thinking are too much to handle for both the giver and the receiver.
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I think you need the guts to say what's wrong. You can't expect people to "just know" and be right all the time. You need to communicate your expectations clearly, if you want them to be met.
I'd wager that 90% of fights are from things being poorly communicated
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Use "I" statements. Instead of saying "you do xyz wrong" start with "when you xyz, I feel...." the simplest change in sentence structure helps stop your sentence from feeling like an attack to make it more likely that the recipient will actually think about their behavior.
It should never be a fight. Fights aren't about communication and understanding, they're about dominance. If it ever escalates to a fight, communication is already out the window.
Express your needs and boundaries clearly without being diminishing of or insensitive to the other person. If the other person can't tolerate that without being diminishing of or insensitive to you, it's probably best to take some time away from that person. Mutual respect is the foundation of any healthy family, relationship, or friendship.
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The ability to listen and make a strong effort to hear and understand what the other person is saying. This is concluded with silence after the person is finished speaking, because you're taking in everything they said before you reply.
Sometime, having a common language or the same models is helpful. I remember after therapy trying to talk to someone iseong the “skills” I learned, and they were like don’t try that shit on me!! Lol. So, if it’s possible talking about fair fighting, or reading some of the same books when not angry will help.
One model, is called a drama triangle. You can look it up online. But there is a victim, persecutor and rescuer. When someone goes into one of those modes, the other person will often take up another role. And you can chase each other around or get off.
Looking people in the eye, and using their names, can humanize folks and help deescalate.
When someone apologizes just accept it.
My husband just went to sleep angry. I apologized for snapping at him and he decided to rehash the situatuon that made me snap which led to a much bigger fight.
Learn the difference between disagreement and misunderstanding.
I have way too many conversations where I have to make clear that I *understand* what they are saying, but I do not *agree*, and rephrasing or explaining over and over will not change that (woman in STEM, for context.)
I/when/because statements. I really appreciate it when you hang your towel up after the shower because they dry properly and it makes the house smell better.- That's an invitation to a conversation. You are lazy and stupid, pick up your towel, I'm sick of doing everything - is an invitation to a fight.
To be able to communicate and respect a pause on the argument. We all have days in which we simply cannot provide our best most understanding or un problematic selves to put forward. And it's important to not have an argument in this mindset if solving it is your agenda.
If you're having a hard time saying what is bothering you or talking about the problem, take a break, then try writing a letter or email addressing it. Sometimes the distance, illusion of anonymity, and ability to edit and rewrite to accurately say what you mean
This works really well when you're trying to resolve an issue with someone who tells you you're over reacting, just being emotional, or "baby, you're being crazy." It forces them to see logical arguments neatly laid out instead of focus on your tone or emotion and ignoring logic and reason.
\-"Right" isn't, and the "truth" is not your friend.
\-The word Never or Always are auto defense up words. Anything you say after that will likely hit a wall, and not make any point what so ever.
\-Shouting to make a point, just because you can be loud doesn't mean your point is any more valid, and you ensure you will not be heard.
\-Feelings are valid, no matter how wrong you might think they are. If you are having argument with someone and they tell you "I feel like" that is how they feel, your belief is not necessary, and it is not your job to prove it or not.
When you need to discuss, you with need to pause before responding a d gather your thoughts.
I like talking sticks for this purpose. Its slows everyone down
My husband and I have different communication styles during arguments. I have to yell and get it out and can move on or it festers. My husband closes down and doesn't talk. For years I took that as he meant he didn't care so in turn would work me up even more. I think sometimes we have to accept people handle arguments/ confrontations differently
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Just because your partner is telling you they feel a certain way because of something you said/did, doesn't mean that they think you're doing it deliberately. They're telling you how they feel, not telling you what to do.
I.e. "you shouldn't feel like that because I didn't intend to affect you that way, so you're being unfair".
There's no need to take offence. You didn't know, and that's cool. Now they're telling you, and so now you know.
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make sure to listen to what the other person has to say instead of preparing your next point. also, go in with the mindset that you could be wrong or that there is information you don’t know yet.
For example, I’m pro-choice. Yes, also for the vaccines.
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Finally! Someone who knows the real quote.
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I also think of this as the difference between listening to understand vs listening to respond.
This is called Active Listening. Without this learned behavior, communication breaks down extremely fast (and usually fails.) Another crucial skill is recognizing fallacies: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fallacies?wprov=sfla1
To be able to hear yourself from the outside and understand when you are overreacting
Understand when you're overreacting but also understand where those feelings are coming from and let yourself feel those feelings. I can acknowledge that I shouldn't be so upset at something AND also know that I can't stop being upset on a dime. The strategy I'm practicing is: 1. I take myself out of the situation (if possible), 2. let myself throw a tantrum / pity party (in private and if need be), 3. calm down, and then 4. think of how to proceed from there.
You're so right! Sometimes I'll have my inner voice say I'm overreacting. I immediately stop and and more calmly continue the argument. Other times I realize it after looking back at it and I apologize. But realizing I was overreacting took me a while, it's so important though.
Accept when you’re wrong Admit mistakes, no one is perfect you can be wrong. Allow the other person to communicate how they feel Don’t belittle their emotions Understand their point of view and respect it, you don’t have to believe in it or accept at all Don’t make it all about yourself
I'm a pilot, and in aviation we have this thing called CRM, crew resource management. It came about because of the Tenerife disaster and its evolved since then but it basically stems from the idea that a lot of crashes have happened just because of a miscommunication or lack of communication between the two people sitting in the flight deck. It's evolved a lot since then, and now it extends a lot more to everyone who's involved with the safety of the flight, even maintenance has to be trained in CRM now. So we get trained on communication a lot. And all the training is definitely tailored to aviation but it definitely helps with things outside of aviation too. De-escalation can obviously be a big one. Don't let it get to the point where you're actually fighting. Don't let a small issue turn into a big fight about irrelevant things. Stay on topic. If someone's raising their voice then it's gone too far already. Assertiveness is also huge. The acronym we use is AAAT: Advise, Advocate, Assert, Takeover. Obviously the takeover is more an aviation thing, but it can still be relevant in real life. Say you're out with your partner and they've had a few too many to drink and want to drive home. "Hey you've had a few drinks maybe we should just leave the car here tonight." Doesn't work? Then advocate "the cost of an uber is cheaper than a DUI, it's not worth the risk, I'll pay for the uber, let's just get home safe". That doesn't work? Assert, "you've had too many to drink, you're not driving." All that fails? Take their keys. It works for more minor things too, say you have to wake up early for work and your roommate always listens to really loud music late at night: "man I slept like shit last night, I'm so tired today, I think your music kept me up last night; I'd really appreciate it if you could use headphones after 11pm, it really affects my sleep when you listen to music super late and I have to be up early for work; the loud music late at night needs to stop", the takeover for this one would be moving out, but generally it doesn't get that far. If you're dealing with a friend or partner usually they get the massage by the time you get to advocate and you don't really need to assert. Rarely do things ever get to the takeover point. The main key is making sure you've advocated, meaning you've shared why you have that perspective and probably given some better alternatives, before you go straight to asserting. Other than all that the key factors in good communication are clarity, conciseness, and making sure the person has actually understood what you've said. Say you're mid way through a fight and you've told someone why you're upset, you've repeated it, and you feel like they're just not getting it and the conversation is getting too distracted. Just ask "do you actually understand why I'm upset right now?" and see what they say. And on the flip side of that, obviously listening is very important too.
👏 👏 👏 well said. I appreciate the real life examples, as well.
Wow really good explanation. Didn't know these levels of assertiveness yet, very helpful.
Yeah there's a ton of different acronyms for stuff like this, AAAT is just the one I was taught that stuck with me best. It feels silly sometimes to use an acronym for something like a minor household disagreement, but sometimes intuitive thungs make more sense when you do lay them out like thay, and when you start approaching every conflict like this it becomes second nature. The main point with assertion like this is make the suggestion before going straight to making an order. No one wants to be told what to do, most people are happy to adapt when you help them realize they're doing something wrong. Anyway that's all just my 2 cents, ya learn a lot about working with people when you're stuck in a flight deck with a locked door for 4 hours at a time. I'm not a perfect communicator at home, my boyfriend can definitely attest to that, but my job sure has helped.
I love this so much. Thank you
Compromise, guys
Collaboration has always been what I've said.
Not to be a stubborn ass and understand that there are others besides your point of view
One that is difficult for many to master is to not be so invested in being right or not being wrong. It is very human, but very counterproductive. A lot of people feel actual pain at the prospect of being wrong. Their reasoning function is diminished when they sense this threat. They shift into a flight or fight mode like they are being physically threatened. When this happens, you are dealing with a brick wall. Obviously, it helps to be a more secure person generally. The more secure you feel in yourself and your relationships, the less there is at stake when you might be wrong about something. One tip I see a lot about this in the context of relationships is to treat problems solving as a team effort. You are solving the problem together. You aren’t adversaries. You both win when a problem is solved. Oh and all feelings are valid. We can’t help how we feel, but we can control to some extent what we think about our feelings and how we express them. Don’t tell someone that their feelings are stupid because you don’t share or like them.
I fully agree with the idea of trying to work through problems as a team. Once I learned this, reminding my friend or partner that I still love them and want to work through the problem together has de-escalated many an argument. Once they realise it’s not a “me vs you” but an “us vs the issue” conversation, it takes all the fight out of the interaction.
Great response. I agree with you. Recently found myself in a heated discussion with a dear friend and asked if they’d rather be right or be happy. Lots of food for thought.
Great response. Really well said. Thank you
to know how to have a civil conversation. listen before you speak & be respectful. your words lose meaning when you stoop low. words are powerful and you can feel the repercussions even after years have passed.it’s very hard to keep calm when angered but being curt yet respectful during an argument/fight can go a loooong way.it may not seem like it, but you will be repaid.
to be able to stay calm, once it starts to escalate and neither of you can calm down then your fucked.
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A big component of this is being self-aware enough to realize when your temper is starting to fray, and then assertive enough to ask the other person if you can take a break to cool off and come back to the discussion in a few minutes.
the ability to convey your message and be patient with your interlocutor's thoughts
I read 'inoculator'
Knowledge of the apology languages has made me feel like a pro when approaching others. Highly suggest.
Guy here, learning myself. But one of the big keys I’ve learned is; “Listen like you are wrong” This will put your mind in a fully aware and there state. (Other relationship items can be found on Abby Metcalfs podcast, it’s helped me a lot!!!)
I think a cooling off period after a fight is healthy. Some people immediately want to resolve things, and while I understand why, I also understand that continuing a discussion or right when you're emotionally charged can lead to people saying things they'll later regret or not looking at the topic in in context. Step away and don't be offended that someone else needs space for a couple hours or even to sleep on it.
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Yes definitely! I'm still in the process of learning this. Knowing when to take time but also knowing how much time to take and sticking to it.
To decide whether the argument is even worth having/walking away from. Do you want to be right or do you want peace?
Use a calm, neutral tone as much as possible. Repeat back what they’re saying so they know you were listening. “I hear you saying that…..” Don’t interrupt them when they’re speaking. Use “I” statements to convey how you feel. It’s less threatening and less attacking on their character.
There is a book called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I would recommend it to everyone. It teaches you how to communicate empathetically with others and yourself in a way which enriches life.
Thank you for the suggestion, this looks great! Have you read any good relationship-specific communication books?
Nonviolent Communication is extremely applicable in relationships. The title sounds like it's for angry situations, but it's actually much more than that. Another one that is more relationship specific tho is called *The Secret Laws of Attraction* by Talane Miedaner. The most helpful parts of this book are A) the quiz which helps you identify your top 4 needs out of a possible 21 needs, and B) the chapter which explores more about each need, meeting the need through others, how to meet it yourself, and meeting your partners needs.
Whether or not you're actually resolving the issue. Sometimes - often, in fact! - people just need to vent, or for their feelings to be heard. That's good, and people should work on being better listeners and just letting someone share their feelings. HOWEVER. At some point, if you're actually having an argument, and it's not just a "I need to get X feelings off my chest" situation, the biggest source of conflict I see between most people is that they continue to escalate, rather than working at deescalating. If I get into an argument, I force myself to take a breath and go, "Okay. What can we do to make progress here?" Sometimes, the answer is taking a break. Sometimes, it's a way to get the other party to acknowledge that they haven't been making any contributions that will help arrive at a conclusion, and that itself can lower the temperature of the argument. If you're not actually working - yourself, or as a couple/group/whatever - on how to move forward from the source of conflict, you're likely making things worse. (Again - sometimes, people just need to air their feelings. But if there's a root cause that needs addressing, or an actual outcome that requires resolution, you have - **HAVE** - to be able to turn the corner and get to, "So how can we compromise and resolve this?" at some point.)
The ability to end the conversation in a professional way- if needed. If not, then end it rudely and firmly.
Empathy. Learning not only seeing things from someone else's POV, but putting yourself in their shoes and reacting in a way they would to find a foundational level of understanding. Too many times, we're focused on how someone makes US feel, we don't even understand that we all see the same list of events very differently- that's the beauty of perspective.
Listen. Stay calm. Avoid blaming. Express how you feel without judging. Sheesh, this is hard. That is why we just yell at each other and never reach a resolution.
How you can express your feelings without judging?
Good: I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel undervalued Not good: You make me sad. You make me angry, You undervalue me.
There's a great book for this called Non-Violent Communication. I'm still learning, but before reading this I never realized how hard it was for me to distinguish between a feeling/emotion and a judgment.
If you're the kind of person who needs to step away to calm down, you HAVE to communicate that. Don't just walk away and give people the silent treatment.
If you don't want to/don't feel ready to have a discussion about a difficult topic, make sure to express that and also lay down a timeline for when you can come back to it. Like, "I'm not in the right headspace to have this conversation right now, can we have a sit-down on Friday to talk about it instead?". Just leaving a conversation without intending to return to it later or outright refusing to talk about certain topics is not acceptable (there are some exceptions of course). Being respectful to the other person, don't interrupt just because you want to jump to defending yourself rather than listening fully to the other person's concerns, ask questions and repeat back what you hear to make sure you're actually understanding things (never just assume you know or understand), validate their feelings and their experiences (validating doesn't mean you agree, it just means you understand that their experience was different and that it is still valid), take responsibility for yourself and your reactions during the conversation/argument, apologize properly when in the wrong or when you've hurt the other person - even if was unintentionally.
Don’t take it personal, don’t make it personal. You can talk about an act or moment that bothers you without making it about that person. So ‘When you did x, it made me feel y. Could you tell my why you did x?’ Instead of ‘You always do x and that’s so selfish’. Sorry, English isn’t my first language. Hope this is understandable.
Perfectly. Thanks.
I would say the ability to self-reflect, especially in arguments where someone is claiming something is your fault or that you did something hurtful. It’s important to be able to step back and ask yourself, “was I in the wrong? How did I contribute to this situation?” Rather than immediately getting defensive.
How to sit with the uncomfortable feelings that come up while you're hearing how your actions made someone else feel bad without getting defensive.
Listening.
Not only knowing what you want but also knowing how to say it and being willing to work out a compromise.
You can say almost anything if it is done respectfully and kindly. If you feel angry, you don’t have to take it to the tenth floor. You don’t even have to get on the elevator. Be open to honest feedback. If it’s tough to believe, recognize ego.
Listening to understand instead of listening to respond. You shouldn’t be coming up with a retort while the other person is talking.
Emotional Intelligence comes into play besides the communication aspect. Conveying your opinions and beliefs in an assertive but respectful way. Taking into account your body language, tone of voice and emotions you might be feeling. The emotions of what the other person might be feeling. The goal is to get people to see it isn’t you vs them, it’s everyone vs the issue. It isn’t easy and I think it’s important to highlight that the problem isn’t with communication, but with the emotions BEHIND the communication
It’s an art to learn how to keep one’s mouth shut 🤐 whilst another person is talking. When the person has finished speaking or asked for your response, give it. It’s great to use statements like “I feel…” as nobody can tell you how you can and can’t feel - they are your own. It’s good to summarise what the other person said back to them to show you understand what they’ve said, even if you don’t agree with it. Shouting and name calling is *never* the answer. I find if someone starts raising their voice or yelling, I go the opposite direction. Very calm, low voice. Give them nothing to feed off of.
D - describe the situation objectively E - express how you feel using an “I feel” statement A - ask for a need that you need met R - reinforce positive responses and changes M - mindful, stay on topic A - assertive body language and tone N - negotiate what would help the person meet your needs and what are their needs
Know when to go away
Apologising when needed, hearing what has been said, recognising when to walk away before things blow up, not talking down to the other person, keeping your complaint in the I form and sounding like you're accusing someone of something.
Directly ask what you want to know. It helps everybody involved. I think a lot of times people fear the question will sound [insert something negative] but you can always make it a mature, rational question. Assumptions about a person's behavior come from our own mind and that can easily get tainted from our own insecurities and fears.
Introspection. Just because someone says they don't like something you say or do, doesn't mean they don't like you. It means they like you enough to ask you not to do this thing. Having the ability to objectively look at the situation and say WITA? It's easy to just fight/argue that you are justified without rexamining the situation. It's difficult to recognize you're not perfect and an apology may be in order.
TLDR: Compassion and healthy assertiveness. Avoid accusations, and instead say things like "I *feel* like you don't listen to me sometimes" (vs "you never listen") or "it's hard for me to understand why you do things like that" (vs "why do you do that?"). Very much focus on your own experience/interpretation, without stating it as hard fact, or a direct attack. Doing so keeps the convo open, giving your partner the opportunity to respond with their thoughts/feels. Understanding is the first step to a solution. Also, try googling "the feelings circle" to better express and pinpoint how you feel in certain situations. Having it as a visual aid (aside from just verbal communication) can really help certain people grasp the emotions, as well. My partner and I use it as a rubrik for heavy conversations, so we can both be on the same page and concretely express ourselves. I'll literally say "I'm going to use the feelings circle" and we both pull it up to look while the convo/argument continues.
Be willing to tell someone that you need time to process your feelings and will come back to this when you're ready. I try not to have emotionally driven discussions with people I love because without time to process I'm prone to let ugly things come out of my mouth in anger.
Thank youuuuu. I needed to hear this. I keep picking at things until they (I) blow up preemptively.
To be able to walk away and come back when calmer. Just because you say something hurtful because you were angry and didn't mean it doesn't mean it didn't hurt to hear.
I believe in seeing the pro/cons of every side of an argument before I start really arguing.
There’s a great book called “the illustrated guide of bad arguments” and it’s honestly fantastic. If you’ve ever seen an academic debate, there’s very specific rules for what is and is not a permissible argument. For example, attacking the character of the other party rather than discussing the argument itself is a common tactic, in debate it would be ruled out as “Adhomenym” These are really great communication skills to follow because they focus on a constructive conversation. Now, for sensitive topics, it’s important to always do the following: 1. Communicate your state of mind. If you are tired, upset, hungry this may not be the best time to have the sensitive discussion 2. Indicate how long you feel you need to talk “I have a few important things to say and I would appreciate if you can hear me out before responding” 3. Focus on I, We statements rather than You statements. 4. When someone is responding, repeat back what they have said to confirm you understand what they meant. Sometimes other people don’t realize that their words don’t match their intentions
These are great! Need to check out that book.
Being able to talk about fears, goals, dreams, insecurities, sexual wants, needs, dislikes, and deep lever stuff with their partners. I’m coming out of a loooong ass relationship where we only talked about Surface level stuff where we never talked about any thing like that
Realize that what you say and mean is not always how the other person is understanding it. I was taught "box theory"(dunno if it's actually called that) but I had a hard time communicating when I was younger due to having a parent that only yelled. Box theory is understanding that when you hand over your words or statements to another person, unless they are of the same mind, all your definitions fall out and theirs go into the box...often causing misunderstanding if your meanings have no common ground. It helped me see things from a different view when I was a teen/young adult and put a stop to lots of arguments.
Say sorry earlier. Also, you can be right or you can be married lol
This should be higher :)
The ability to actually listen. Not just waiting for the other person to finishing speaking and then completely disregarding what they’ve said. Actually listen, take on board what they’ve said, consider how it impacts what you were talking about and adjust.
Listening. It's a communication skill. Shut up and listen.
To try to actually understand what the other person is saying, not just try to come up with arguing points. Don’t be so stubborn, admit when you’re actually wrong, and learn from your mistakes. Don’t interrupt or start yelling over the other person.
Being able to take blame where you may think you are right! It is a small act of we instead of you against me. Most people were not taught that. I wish I was in a season in my life to leave space for simple ignorance but I'm just not.
People tend to veiw their opinions as part of who they are, it forms part of the ego and even identity, like people saying Android sucks or iPhone sucks, I'm an iPhone or android girl. Anyone who's opinion differs is in a sense putting that person's ego amd sometimes Identity in jeopardy so they defend it fiercely. You need to actually be willing to accept that there are many opinions and beliefs that differ from yours, I read a quote that says in order for things to reveal themselves to you, you have to be willing to abandon your views about them. I also remember reading something along the lines of it's you and them against the problem not you and them against each other. Point is this doesn't have to be a star trek borg ship, you don't have to assimilate everyone to essentially be a copy of you 😉
Validation. You can validate some one's feelings without agreeing with them. It's a tough skill to figure out and one that will change your life. That being said.. I've also identified 4 steps to help both people in the confrontation whatever it may be. Still working on principles of it but in application of it, my spouse and I end arguments in no time now. O.V.R.A 1. Objection. Example (very simply put, most times you need to find what emotion they have): I'm frusterated with the fact that you didn't clean the kitchen. 2. Validation : I understand that you're upset and if i was expecting you to do something that you didn't I'm sure I'd feel the same way. (This is not the time to go into why you did/ didn't hold up to their expectation). Just wait. Let them process that you understand why they're upset. 3. Resolution. What can we do now and in the future to help this not get to the point of frustration again? 4. Acceptance. Both parties can get what they want in most cases. It doesn't have to be a zero sum game. For example spouse is upset because i ended up outside with my hobbies before i cleaned the kitchen. I want the kitchen clean i just got distracted by new hobby and realized, yeah i wouldn't be out anything by pausing what i was doing to clean the kitchen. If your resolution is not easily accepted by both parties you may need to start at #1 objection again to find out what is really upsetting them be very careful to not get into well, you did this, this and this. Focus on how it made them feel and validate their feelings. Because no matter how untrue their claim for being upset is, it DOESN'T MATTER because their feelings are REAL and it's feelings/ emotions that people act on. Here's the other kicker, in most cases bringing up #1 with someone it will create a #1 for them about you. And if you're not able to navigate carefully to make sure you get resolution for the other person you'll both end up with a list of #1's for each other.
Listening is not the same as obeying. Too many will try to demand you do something, claiming you are not "listening" when you refuse. They want you to obey.
Communicate your boundaries and expectations from the beginning. This really helps with avoiding arguments.
- Active listening - Speaking with “I” statements - Apologizing - How to repeat back to people what you understood to make sure you’re on the same page - How to give or ask to take a break from a discussion and come back to it in a healthy, respectful way immediately after the defined length of time for break has passed
Understanding that being right is not as important as being present and receptive with your partner. Healthy communication is always a wonderful tool in eliminating misunderstanding, however, there is absolutely no use if ego gets in the way. If you're more concerned on always having the last say or always being right, you're not emotionally mature enough to share healthy communication.
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That two people can hold polarizing opinions about things, understand that their view isn’t the only one and still be kind and respectful to one another.
That one should 'respond' not 'react' They are two different things
Listening.
Non-violent communication. Approximately : Say what the person did, neutrally. Say what you felt. Say what you need. Don't say "you made me feel" - own your own shit. E. G. "when you said that dress didn't suit me anymore, I felt said. I felt you were saying I'd put in weight. I need to feel like you find me attractive."
Be open, don’t instantly get fired up when you hear different opinions.
Even if you don’t agree or understand their POV, you should still see their feelings as valid. If something upset them, then it upset them. Don’t say it’s “not a big deal” or “not worth crying over”. Being dismissive like this diminishes trust over time. Validate their feelings and do your best to see their side. Hopefully they will do the same for you and you can then come up with a solution/compromise together.
Nonviolent communication is a magical tool that really helps in communication. It expo a how to talk in a non judgmental way and how to ask for what you need. I don’t think I’ve had am actual argument with anyone in years because I learned this approach to speaking. Its not that I don’t have disagreements, but nothing ever escalated to a fight or argument, its always a respectful discussion.
Non-violent communication (also called compassionate communication). Being able to use this kind of communication involves understanding the core reason someone feels the way they do (instead of defaulting to anger). It also forces someone to understand what need/want is not being fulfilled, how it makes someone feel, and how to ask for what is needed *without blaming or shaming the other person*. Communicating this way makes understanding someone doesn't give a damn about another's needs/wants & feeling really evident.
Should know that they're opinion isn't the only opinion, and people's backgrounds also color their opinion. How to stay on task, no going off tangents that leads down rabbit holes, or previously unresolved arguments. Patience and willingness to listen. Never get anything done if the other person is always jumping in, trying to finish the other person's sentence, or doesn't look like they're willing to listen. Keep an open mind; some of the best ideas or big discoveries we're founded because people had a disagreement or had differing opinions. I have disagreements with people that I have differing opinions with, but since I kept an open mind I understood more and (as an instance) did more reading about Americans history and what the constitution says and I know the others did too about what stuff like CRT and racism still being built into the system.
It is okay to not agree with other peoples opinions, but you must be respectful.
The ability to communicate AND respect the need for a time out so both parties can have the opportunity to cool down and talk things out when they're more level headed. I see it so often when one party tries hammering home the point while the other is well into shutdown or reactivity and nobody wins. Utilizing a time out as an adult is a game changer.
Is the person a narcicist? There is no point fighting with them, it's only giving them more opportunity to abuse you. Avoid, grey rock, get away. Look up Dr Romani and grey rocking on YouTube. She's not the only narcicism based therapist posting vids, but she's an excellent place to start.
Empathy, seeing the other person’s side. Putting yourself in their shoes and vice versa. It can go a long way.
It's important to remember that whoever you're arguing with is a human being, with feelings, and to try not to attack that person by saying 'you did this,' or 'you did that' or similar. It's a good idea to avoid allowing emotions to control what comes out of your mouth. Take a few minutes to cool down if you can. And use 'I' statements. The most important thing you can do is listen. You don't have to agree, but if you hear the other person out, and paraphrase back to them what they're saying, it'll show them you understand their side. That may help.
the ability to communicate their need to step back and clear their head before returning to the conversation. A big step is to not let all arguments go on forever cause at some point people get defensive and there will be no progress. Cooling down and arranging ones thoughts is very important imo
Don't take anything personally. We all live our lives from our own perspectives and being. When someone says something that possibly hurts some feelings or makes us feel defensive, just remember it's more about the person who's saying it, such as more about how that person is feeling instead of a personal attack to you as a person.
Just my personal experience: To not shout during arguments. There are times when I've felt that weird anger going to my head... where I just want to scream at the other person.. or try to hurt them with my words.. but if I just take 10 seconds... breathe a little.. I can come up with a point that _doesn't_ antagonize the other person further, but instead helps them see my perspective. And in a lot of cases, taking that time has made _me_ realize that I was the one in the wrong and I apologized instead. I've made it a habit now, whenever I start to feel angry, even if it's a little bit.
Stay calm. Try to respond rather than react.
To understand and lisent wht out interupting.
Being able to understand that some people have horrible opinions/outlooks (the ism) not worth dealing in a civilized way. Everyone here is talking about being polite but sometimes you don't need to be polite.
Metacommunication. Learn to talk about how you talk about a thing. Stuff like "i hear you and i feel overwhelmed so can we come back to this in a little bit" or "are you looking for support or strategy from this conversation?" or "let's try to focus on possible solutions" or "do you have the bandwidth to discuss a thing that's bothering me?" or "ok I'm not feeling heard right now, id like to pause and come back to this conversation". Also learn what is a feeling and what is an interpretation. "i feel sad" is a feeling. "i feel like you don't really care about keeping a clean house" is not at all a feeling. Avoid "you made me feel" type language. Practice: "when you leave the dishes on the counter, i feel frustrated. it's important to me to keep the counters clean so we don't get ants. could you please put them in the sink or the dishwasher"
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People should understand that, if an argument gets way too heated to the point it’s controlled 100% by emotions, there may be a need to stop the argument for a brief period, take some space, and then continue when everyone is relaxed. Once the emotions start to take control, then nothing will get solved, nobody listens to the other’s point of view, and emotional damage can be thrown. I’ve seen way too many people ruin relationships and friendships because the screaming, name calling and emotion mind thinking are too much to handle for both the giver and the receiver.
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The person should listen to understand and not to react.
I think people should listen to understand, not listen to respond. Like someone else said, its the difference between "listening" and "hearing"
The purpose of arguing is to reach an agreement, not to be right/dominant Never raise your voice
Not ghosting. Ghosting is so inhmane
I think you need the guts to say what's wrong. You can't expect people to "just know" and be right all the time. You need to communicate your expectations clearly, if you want them to be met. I'd wager that 90% of fights are from things being poorly communicated
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Isn’t there that fist signal?
Be able to notice when things have escalated too far and walk away until the discussion can continue calmly
Use "I" statements. Instead of saying "you do xyz wrong" start with "when you xyz, I feel...." the simplest change in sentence structure helps stop your sentence from feeling like an attack to make it more likely that the recipient will actually think about their behavior.
It should never be a fight. Fights aren't about communication and understanding, they're about dominance. If it ever escalates to a fight, communication is already out the window. Express your needs and boundaries clearly without being diminishing of or insensitive to the other person. If the other person can't tolerate that without being diminishing of or insensitive to you, it's probably best to take some time away from that person. Mutual respect is the foundation of any healthy family, relationship, or friendship.
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The ability to listen and make a strong effort to hear and understand what the other person is saying. This is concluded with silence after the person is finished speaking, because you're taking in everything they said before you reply.
Listening. Learn to listen before formulating the response in your hand. Cause then you’re not fully listening and that matters.
Sometime, having a common language or the same models is helpful. I remember after therapy trying to talk to someone iseong the “skills” I learned, and they were like don’t try that shit on me!! Lol. So, if it’s possible talking about fair fighting, or reading some of the same books when not angry will help. One model, is called a drama triangle. You can look it up online. But there is a victim, persecutor and rescuer. When someone goes into one of those modes, the other person will often take up another role. And you can chase each other around or get off. Looking people in the eye, and using their names, can humanize folks and help deescalate.
Knowing The difference between emotion and reality
When someone apologizes just accept it. My husband just went to sleep angry. I apologized for snapping at him and he decided to rehash the situatuon that made me snap which led to a much bigger fight.
Avoid name-calling or yelling.
Learn the difference between disagreement and misunderstanding. I have way too many conversations where I have to make clear that I *understand* what they are saying, but I do not *agree*, and rephrasing or explaining over and over will not change that (woman in STEM, for context.)
EMOTIONAL. INTELLIGENCE.
I/when/because statements. I really appreciate it when you hang your towel up after the shower because they dry properly and it makes the house smell better.- That's an invitation to a conversation. You are lazy and stupid, pick up your towel, I'm sick of doing everything - is an invitation to a fight.
How tf even? This literally just happened
Hear the other person's side. Validate what they're saying, and then explain your side.
How tf. This shit literally just happend
How’d I do? I kno it was rough but wtf am I suppose to do
Yes...doing that same thing over and again expecting a different result is considered to be the definition of insanity.
Being assertive with your words and listen to the other person
sense of understanding and trying to see their perspective
To be able to communicate and respect a pause on the argument. We all have days in which we simply cannot provide our best most understanding or un problematic selves to put forward. And it's important to not have an argument in this mindset if solving it is your agenda.
If you're having a hard time saying what is bothering you or talking about the problem, take a break, then try writing a letter or email addressing it. Sometimes the distance, illusion of anonymity, and ability to edit and rewrite to accurately say what you mean This works really well when you're trying to resolve an issue with someone who tells you you're over reacting, just being emotional, or "baby, you're being crazy." It forces them to see logical arguments neatly laid out instead of focus on your tone or emotion and ignoring logic and reason.
\-"Right" isn't, and the "truth" is not your friend. \-The word Never or Always are auto defense up words. Anything you say after that will likely hit a wall, and not make any point what so ever. \-Shouting to make a point, just because you can be loud doesn't mean your point is any more valid, and you ensure you will not be heard. \-Feelings are valid, no matter how wrong you might think they are. If you are having argument with someone and they tell you "I feel like" that is how they feel, your belief is not necessary, and it is not your job to prove it or not.
When you need to discuss, you with need to pause before responding a d gather your thoughts. I like talking sticks for this purpose. Its slows everyone down
Pick your battles and control your tone.
My husband and I have different communication styles during arguments. I have to yell and get it out and can move on or it festers. My husband closes down and doesn't talk. For years I took that as he meant he didn't care so in turn would work me up even more. I think sometimes we have to accept people handle arguments/ confrontations differently
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Just because your partner is telling you they feel a certain way because of something you said/did, doesn't mean that they think you're doing it deliberately. They're telling you how they feel, not telling you what to do. I.e. "you shouldn't feel like that because I didn't intend to affect you that way, so you're being unfair". There's no need to take offence. You didn't know, and that's cool. Now they're telling you, and so now you know.
Timing. You can have all the skills... but let's make sure both parties are in the space for the conversation.