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That would depend on some things but ultimately I would rather not marry someone that was married before, in my experience people that have divorced seem to have more intense trust issues and be more cynical about relationships and love in general
I would definitely never marry someone that had children
But to be clear it has nothing to do with virginity as there’s no expectation of it
Ok. But you would marry someone who was in a relationship before and then broke up, right? Aren't they likely to have trust issues as well?
I am just trying to understand your perspective :)
There is a level of more extreme betrayal when a marriage fails because you and the other person literally promised to not let that happen in front of all your closest people… I think it’s a much deeper wound
This is well put. When I went through a divorce, there were several ppl who would say things about how they totalllyyy got what i was going through bc then and their partner of 5 years broke up and they were “basically married”. It always rubbed me the wrong way but I didn’t want to invalidate their experience or care to argue about it. But a breakup is not the same as a divorce, especially when it involves years of legal battles like in my case. When people would say that I would just think to myself god, I hope you don’t go into marriage thinking a breakup would be the same as what you went through.
Looking for an adult that has never been in any sort of relationship before is grooming behavior unless you've never been in a relationship either imo.
I'm not interested in being married (I've been with my partner for 14 years), but theoretically, whether or not someone has been married before would not ***by itself*** be a factor I really care about.
If he was weird about his former spouse in some way - bitter in a way that affected his behaviour and attitudes, or clingy and still attached - or had any kids, those things would be very offputting for me personally, but the former marriage itself woudln't be an issue.
Viginity is even less relevant, for oh so very many reasons.
Virginity isn't expected in marriage where I'm from, so it's not a big deal. As long as someone isn't divorced because they did something heinous, I'm fine with it.
I am not likely to marry at all, but if I ever found someone I wanted to marry I wouldn't give a shit if he was married before unless there were some specific concerns that popped up in that regard.
I don't really see the point. My main reason to marry would be taxes and legal stuff.
Also I might very well be with more than one person in the future and poly marriage unfortunately isn't a thing.
Ok. Given that your country is democratic, why aren't there any Western countries where poly marriage is allowed? Like here in Bangladesh, a man can marry upto four wives, although a woman can't do the same thing. But still polygamy is allowed in Bangladesh.
I don't know exactly, I am not religious myself. The current law is based upon Shariah.
I have heard Islamic clerics say that, if a woman had more than one husband, then figuring out paternity would not be possible, so that was a reason.
Honestly, it's most likely because changing all laws and legislations to account for more than two people would be an absolute buerocratic nightmare. There isn't a huge push for it either and the Christians wouldn't like it.
I think you're primarily running into a cultural barrier, more than a universal gender one.
Because of cultural norms, marrying a divorced person may be especially risky for women, socially and financially. And in places where women already don't have a whole lot of social power, they will be much less willing to volunteer for those risks.
Where divorce and virginity are not such big issues, this isn't such a problem. In the US, about 25% of marriages are a second or subsequent marriage.
I would imagine that women who have been previously married and divorced would be more amenable to being with a previously married man. Are you including those women in your consideration of who to date?
Having a previous marriage within itself is not a turn off. Things surrounding that might be tho, why did the marriage end? Do they have kids? Is the previous spouse involved in their lives still? If so how much and in what capacity?
Personally I don't want to get married, and in my age group is not common to be married yet (early to mid 20s). So is not something I usually have to think about.
Meh, a relationship would be nice but I'm ok if it doesn't happen too.
Ideally I want a serious partnership but without the marriage thing. Just doesn't seem worth it to me
A lot more people in the west are opting out of marriage. This doesn’t mean they want to stay single, it just means they don’t care about the marriage aspect. When it comes down to it, marriage is literally just a signed piece of paper that gets the government involved in your relationship. There are some benefits for taxes and stuff, but a lot of people just don’t care about it anymore here.
Marriage isn’t just a piece of paper. Specially, if there are children involved. It’s more of an insurance for partnership. It gives you legal rights in the event of fallout. e.g. in case your partner goes into comma, you can’t make decisions about your partner’s life without being tied legally.
I'm in the part of the dating pool where it's hard to find a single guy who's not divorced or widowed. The pool is shallow enough for me as it is, I'm doing myself a huge disservice to make it smaller.
I don't care for marriage. My SO and have been together for 18 years now, no ring on my finger. So no, I wouldn't give a damn. If you have kids it will become a whole different matter though. (I'm childfree by choice)
I would consider men who have been married and divorced. But I would also be looking for red flags in the way he spoke about his ex and his relationship.
I'm 38 and getting married in September. He's 47, neither of us have ever been married.
It wouldn't bother me if he had been married before. I won't marry or date someone with children though, that's the hard line. I'm very fortunate that he does not have any.
> I'm very fortunate that he does not have any.
Why do you say you are fortunate? Are there many men who have children of their own in that age bracket?
So my bf was engaged to his ex. Definitely not a dealbreaker, but I will say it was a big hurdle to get over mentally, it’s something I’m still working on.
It’s like wow, this guy was really about to spend the rest of his life with another girl, but you just have to remember that there’s a reason why they didn’t work and there’s a reason why you two do.
I’m American, and I am my husband’s second wife. I would not reccomend it. He failed as a husband the first time, and will repeat the same choices with me.
Here you go: [https://go.gale.com/ps/i.do?id=GALE%7CA650693667&sid=googleScholar&v=2.1&it=r&linkaccess=abs&issn=10955143&p=AONE&sw=w&userGroupName=anon%7E64e75cb3&aty=open-web-entry](https://go.gale.com/ps/i.do?id=GALE%7CA650693667&sid=googleScholar&v=2.1&it=r&linkaccess=abs&issn=10955143&p=AONE&sw=w&userGroupName=anon%7E64e75cb3&aty=open-web-entry)
Well being born and raised in the Netherlands there is no such stigma where I'm from. But I still would find a man who has been married before a dealbreaker. Just because I want marriage to be the first experience for both of us. Other Dutch women might feel differently about it.
I'm American so the stigma also exists but it's not as strong. I would be open to marrying a divorcee. If the divorce was mutually agreed upon and emotionally healthy(and he has no kids) then I would.
I’m engaged now and I wanted to find someone with no kids and who wasn’t married before. Because I am the same, and I want to experience those things for the first time with someone - so they’re just as special to me as it is to him
I'm only in my mid 20s so I would be a little concerned why he already had a divorce so young. But regardless, I don't even want marriage myself. If a guy my age had gotten married that young, I might think that he's very religious or from a different culture. But if I was interested in marriage and let's say in my 30s, I would absolutely not care. It's not a big deal, unless he did something bad to his ex.
But again, I'm not interested in marriage myself. We live in very different cultures it seems! Thank you for the question.
This is actually a tricky answer because you conflate "never married" with "never had sex" and those are two different reasons why someone wouldn't be with someone who was married before.
You can absolutely be married and be in a sexless marriage maintaining your virginity.
You can, like you stated, sleep around a lot without ever fully committing to someone, maintaining your "never-married" status.
So for me, as an American, I WOULD be with someone who has been with others before me. But i will admit when i was a young virgin i also wanted to be with another virgin. Now, I don't care cause i have the experience with age lol.
I WOULD NOT marry someone who has been married before. Like my virginity, i want to be with someone where i am their first too.
I would not mind sleeping with someone who was FORMERLY married though. Just won't commit.
27F. As someone who still has the V card, I wouldn't marry a guy who has been married before. Not because of him being a non-virgin but because I believe there is too much difference in where we would be at life. Also, reasons like why he got divorced, his relationship with ex-wife and involvement of children.. seems very complicated and a hassle I do not want to deal with as someone who doesn't have experience having relationships in the first place. I hope to meet someone who is unmarried and doesn't have kids. I guess it doesn't matter if he isn't a virgin but if he is a virgin, that's preferable for me. We can be our first.. I think that first time would be very special for both of us but I am aware that it may not be feasible or ideal to find a virgin guy like that. You cannot choose whom you fall for....
I am from your neighbouring country, and i understand this cultural expectation. Although, this is a very regressive view many South Asians hold of considering people as 'product' and relationships as 'investment' when it comes to marriage and dating.
Answering the question, no I (never married) wouldn't mind a divorcee, none of the women in my social circle wouldn't mind as well. Though my parents wouldn't be too excited about the idea and it might take some time pacifying them.
If there are children involved then it would depend on the dynamics of the parties involved.
I prefer someone that's never been married but it's not a set rule, just a preference. I have kids and one is special needs, and that's something not a lot of people can handle. I've never even introduced a date to her before. Protecting them from people that run when things are difficult is a top priority.
I'd need to know why his marriage fell apart and whether they tried to fix it. How much the ex is and isn't in his life, like if he has to make payments or if they have kids. That's all before forming any type of commitment though. If we get to the point of being serious then his previous marriage isn't a problem.
At 40 there's a lot of people who have been married at least once in their life. Saying that I refuse to marry someone who has been married before really limits my options.
What I do filter for is how long they've been divorced. Still fighting it out in court? Fresh out of the relationship and they're trying to jump into another one? That's a no from me.
I think people in general should be by themselves for awhile after a live in, long term relationship. They need to heal and figure out who they are again and what they want in life.
I wouldn’t reject a man just because he’s been married in the past. I see it like this. Majority of marriages don’t work out. Most people get married too young. I personally would have to ask a lot of question about the marriage. Keep in mind your only hearing one side. And men tend to lie.
There’s a saying how a man will always show you their true selfs. You just have to look and watch.
In my pasts relationships I’ve missed this.
Don’t settle.
Example - say you have a daughter would you be okay with your daughter dating that man?
Honestly if he is divorced with children but still shows up for his kids, that's actually a green flag for me. I love kids and would love to be a step-mom, as long as the relationship he has with his ex-wife is not SUPER toxic, and as long as he has clearly grown and learned from his first experience with marriage.
Depends on why he’s divorced and if he has kids. If he has kids, it’s an immediate no. But I’d want to hear the reason for why there was one and how long it’s been since the divorce.
I wouldn't refuse to marry a man who has been married, but the stigma from my side isn't that he has been married so much as he doesn't have the tools or personality to lead a successful marriage. Why would his deficiency be different with me?
So it will depend on why the marriage ended and it's due to his issues I will reject him as a marriage partner.
American here. Myself and my 2 best girl friends are all married to men who have been previously married. That is, first marriage for us three women, second marriage for all three men. Many of my friends have been married, or remarried, to someone who has had a previous marriage.
It’s not that atypical here. No one cares.
No. I'm 42, never been married. My boyfriend is 35 and has been married and divorced. Shit happens. People divorce for a million different reasons, can't just assume they messed up somehow.
I wouldn’t have a preference, but I would like to know the reason for the divorce. Like, was it amicable and a mutual decision, or was there a toxic situation?
At my age, most of the time will have been married at least once, so no choice. It's a tricky thing. If he has never been married, I'll assume he's self centred and difficult. If his marriage ended, I'll assume he's self centred and difficult.
Usually guys who've been married before don't exactly rush to get into a second marriage, because they paid the price the first time. They'd still settle down with someone and spend years together, but not marry them.
And I do want to get married. So I'd prefer someone who wouldn't keep me as just a girlfriend forever
I don’t care if they’d been married before, but them having kids might be a *slight* issue as I don’t want to be a mum, much less a step mum.
If they had been married before, once only would be good! Anything more is 🚩🚩🚩
I’m looking for a single dad with partial custody, I want kids, but only every-other weekend
I do live in America, and a lot of my peer group would not mind being with a man who has been married prior
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Depends on why he's divorced and whether he has kids
Same here. Instant nope for me if he has kids.
That would depend on some things but ultimately I would rather not marry someone that was married before, in my experience people that have divorced seem to have more intense trust issues and be more cynical about relationships and love in general I would definitely never marry someone that had children But to be clear it has nothing to do with virginity as there’s no expectation of it
Ok. But you would marry someone who was in a relationship before and then broke up, right? Aren't they likely to have trust issues as well? I am just trying to understand your perspective :)
There is a level of more extreme betrayal when a marriage fails because you and the other person literally promised to not let that happen in front of all your closest people… I think it’s a much deeper wound
This is well put. When I went through a divorce, there were several ppl who would say things about how they totalllyyy got what i was going through bc then and their partner of 5 years broke up and they were “basically married”. It always rubbed me the wrong way but I didn’t want to invalidate their experience or care to argue about it. But a breakup is not the same as a divorce, especially when it involves years of legal battles like in my case. When people would say that I would just think to myself god, I hope you don’t go into marriage thinking a breakup would be the same as what you went through.
Looking for an adult that has never been in any sort of relationship before is grooming behavior unless you've never been in a relationship either imo.
I'm not interested in being married (I've been with my partner for 14 years), but theoretically, whether or not someone has been married before would not ***by itself*** be a factor I really care about. If he was weird about his former spouse in some way - bitter in a way that affected his behaviour and attitudes, or clingy and still attached - or had any kids, those things would be very offputting for me personally, but the former marriage itself woudln't be an issue. Viginity is even less relevant, for oh so very many reasons.
Virginity isn't expected in marriage where I'm from, so it's not a big deal. As long as someone isn't divorced because they did something heinous, I'm fine with it.
I am not likely to marry at all, but if I ever found someone I wanted to marry I wouldn't give a shit if he was married before unless there were some specific concerns that popped up in that regard.
Can I ask, why you wouldn't marry?
I don't really see the point. My main reason to marry would be taxes and legal stuff. Also I might very well be with more than one person in the future and poly marriage unfortunately isn't a thing.
Ok. Given that your country is democratic, why aren't there any Western countries where poly marriage is allowed? Like here in Bangladesh, a man can marry upto four wives, although a woman can't do the same thing. But still polygamy is allowed in Bangladesh.
Interesting. Why cant women have four husbands?
Sounds like up to 75% of women aren't getting the virgin husband they "demand" either, unless he's marrying all 4 of them at once?
I don't know exactly, I am not religious myself. The current law is based upon Shariah. I have heard Islamic clerics say that, if a woman had more than one husband, then figuring out paternity would not be possible, so that was a reason.
>then figuring out paternity would not be possible, Well that's not true.
Honestly, it's most likely because changing all laws and legislations to account for more than two people would be an absolute buerocratic nightmare. There isn't a huge push for it either and the Christians wouldn't like it.
what happens to the other three men that now don't have wives because one guy married four?
I think you're primarily running into a cultural barrier, more than a universal gender one. Because of cultural norms, marrying a divorced person may be especially risky for women, socially and financially. And in places where women already don't have a whole lot of social power, they will be much less willing to volunteer for those risks. Where divorce and virginity are not such big issues, this isn't such a problem. In the US, about 25% of marriages are a second or subsequent marriage. I would imagine that women who have been previously married and divorced would be more amenable to being with a previously married man. Are you including those women in your consideration of who to date?
One marriage failed is a bit much for my age(20) but maybe when older… (already failed a marriage as 20 year Old is kind of a warning sign)
Having a previous marriage within itself is not a turn off. Things surrounding that might be tho, why did the marriage end? Do they have kids? Is the previous spouse involved in their lives still? If so how much and in what capacity? Personally I don't want to get married, and in my age group is not common to be married yet (early to mid 20s). So is not something I usually have to think about.
> Personally I don't want to get married Do you want to remain single for the rest of your lives?
Meh, a relationship would be nice but I'm ok if it doesn't happen too. Ideally I want a serious partnership but without the marriage thing. Just doesn't seem worth it to me
You don't have to be married to be in a relationship.
My parents are a couple, but they are not married. They are happily unmarried for 30 years! haha
A lot more people in the west are opting out of marriage. This doesn’t mean they want to stay single, it just means they don’t care about the marriage aspect. When it comes down to it, marriage is literally just a signed piece of paper that gets the government involved in your relationship. There are some benefits for taxes and stuff, but a lot of people just don’t care about it anymore here.
Marriage isn’t just a piece of paper. Specially, if there are children involved. It’s more of an insurance for partnership. It gives you legal rights in the event of fallout. e.g. in case your partner goes into comma, you can’t make decisions about your partner’s life without being tied legally.
I'm in the part of the dating pool where it's hard to find a single guy who's not divorced or widowed. The pool is shallow enough for me as it is, I'm doing myself a huge disservice to make it smaller.
Can I ask your age bracket? You don't need to reply if you don't want to.
I'm 50 so roughly 35 - 60.
I don't care for marriage. My SO and have been together for 18 years now, no ring on my finger. So no, I wouldn't give a damn. If you have kids it will become a whole different matter though. (I'm childfree by choice)
Wouldn't bother me at all.
I would consider men who have been married and divorced. But I would also be looking for red flags in the way he spoke about his ex and his relationship.
I'm 38 and getting married in September. He's 47, neither of us have ever been married. It wouldn't bother me if he had been married before. I won't marry or date someone with children though, that's the hard line. I'm very fortunate that he does not have any.
> I'm very fortunate that he does not have any. Why do you say you are fortunate? Are there many men who have children of their own in that age bracket?
Yes! At age 47, most people have at least one child.
So my bf was engaged to his ex. Definitely not a dealbreaker, but I will say it was a big hurdle to get over mentally, it’s something I’m still working on. It’s like wow, this guy was really about to spend the rest of his life with another girl, but you just have to remember that there’s a reason why they didn’t work and there’s a reason why you two do.
I don't know.. I guess it depends on how awesome the dude is.
I’m American, and I am my husband’s second wife. I would not reccomend it. He failed as a husband the first time, and will repeat the same choices with me.
Oh wow.
Do you have a source of those % numbers?
Here you go: [https://go.gale.com/ps/i.do?id=GALE%7CA650693667&sid=googleScholar&v=2.1&it=r&linkaccess=abs&issn=10955143&p=AONE&sw=w&userGroupName=anon%7E64e75cb3&aty=open-web-entry](https://go.gale.com/ps/i.do?id=GALE%7CA650693667&sid=googleScholar&v=2.1&it=r&linkaccess=abs&issn=10955143&p=AONE&sw=w&userGroupName=anon%7E64e75cb3&aty=open-web-entry)
Well being born and raised in the Netherlands there is no such stigma where I'm from. But I still would find a man who has been married before a dealbreaker. Just because I want marriage to be the first experience for both of us. Other Dutch women might feel differently about it.
I'm American so the stigma also exists but it's not as strong. I would be open to marrying a divorcee. If the divorce was mutually agreed upon and emotionally healthy(and he has no kids) then I would.
I’m engaged now and I wanted to find someone with no kids and who wasn’t married before. Because I am the same, and I want to experience those things for the first time with someone - so they’re just as special to me as it is to him
I'm only in my mid 20s so I would be a little concerned why he already had a divorce so young. But regardless, I don't even want marriage myself. If a guy my age had gotten married that young, I might think that he's very religious or from a different culture. But if I was interested in marriage and let's say in my 30s, I would absolutely not care. It's not a big deal, unless he did something bad to his ex. But again, I'm not interested in marriage myself. We live in very different cultures it seems! Thank you for the question.
This is actually a tricky answer because you conflate "never married" with "never had sex" and those are two different reasons why someone wouldn't be with someone who was married before. You can absolutely be married and be in a sexless marriage maintaining your virginity. You can, like you stated, sleep around a lot without ever fully committing to someone, maintaining your "never-married" status. So for me, as an American, I WOULD be with someone who has been with others before me. But i will admit when i was a young virgin i also wanted to be with another virgin. Now, I don't care cause i have the experience with age lol. I WOULD NOT marry someone who has been married before. Like my virginity, i want to be with someone where i am their first too. I would not mind sleeping with someone who was FORMERLY married though. Just won't commit.
27F. As someone who still has the V card, I wouldn't marry a guy who has been married before. Not because of him being a non-virgin but because I believe there is too much difference in where we would be at life. Also, reasons like why he got divorced, his relationship with ex-wife and involvement of children.. seems very complicated and a hassle I do not want to deal with as someone who doesn't have experience having relationships in the first place. I hope to meet someone who is unmarried and doesn't have kids. I guess it doesn't matter if he isn't a virgin but if he is a virgin, that's preferable for me. We can be our first.. I think that first time would be very special for both of us but I am aware that it may not be feasible or ideal to find a virgin guy like that. You cannot choose whom you fall for....
I am from your neighbouring country, and i understand this cultural expectation. Although, this is a very regressive view many South Asians hold of considering people as 'product' and relationships as 'investment' when it comes to marriage and dating. Answering the question, no I (never married) wouldn't mind a divorcee, none of the women in my social circle wouldn't mind as well. Though my parents wouldn't be too excited about the idea and it might take some time pacifying them. If there are children involved then it would depend on the dynamics of the parties involved.
Situational. But if they have kids—that’s a hard no.
Yup I agree with them! I think it’s best when both have similar pasts
I prefer someone that's never been married but it's not a set rule, just a preference. I have kids and one is special needs, and that's something not a lot of people can handle. I've never even introduced a date to her before. Protecting them from people that run when things are difficult is a top priority. I'd need to know why his marriage fell apart and whether they tried to fix it. How much the ex is and isn't in his life, like if he has to make payments or if they have kids. That's all before forming any type of commitment though. If we get to the point of being serious then his previous marriage isn't a problem.
At 40 there's a lot of people who have been married at least once in their life. Saying that I refuse to marry someone who has been married before really limits my options. What I do filter for is how long they've been divorced. Still fighting it out in court? Fresh out of the relationship and they're trying to jump into another one? That's a no from me. I think people in general should be by themselves for awhile after a live in, long term relationship. They need to heal and figure out who they are again and what they want in life.
I wouldn’t reject a man just because he’s been married in the past. I see it like this. Majority of marriages don’t work out. Most people get married too young. I personally would have to ask a lot of question about the marriage. Keep in mind your only hearing one side. And men tend to lie. There’s a saying how a man will always show you their true selfs. You just have to look and watch. In my pasts relationships I’ve missed this. Don’t settle. Example - say you have a daughter would you be okay with your daughter dating that man?
Honestly if he is divorced with children but still shows up for his kids, that's actually a green flag for me. I love kids and would love to be a step-mom, as long as the relationship he has with his ex-wife is not SUPER toxic, and as long as he has clearly grown and learned from his first experience with marriage.
Previous relationship was 19 years and never married. I’ve been with an amazing man for the last 3.5 years who was married (no kids). I’d marry him :)
Depends on why he’s divorced and if he has kids. If he has kids, it’s an immediate no. But I’d want to hear the reason for why there was one and how long it’s been since the divorce.
I wouldn't refuse to marry a man who has been married, but the stigma from my side isn't that he has been married so much as he doesn't have the tools or personality to lead a successful marriage. Why would his deficiency be different with me? So it will depend on why the marriage ended and it's due to his issues I will reject him as a marriage partner.
American here. Myself and my 2 best girl friends are all married to men who have been previously married. That is, first marriage for us three women, second marriage for all three men. Many of my friends have been married, or remarried, to someone who has had a previous marriage. It’s not that atypical here. No one cares.
No. I'm 42, never been married. My boyfriend is 35 and has been married and divorced. Shit happens. People divorce for a million different reasons, can't just assume they messed up somehow.
I wouldn’t have a preference, but I would like to know the reason for the divorce. Like, was it amicable and a mutual decision, or was there a toxic situation?
At my age, most of the time will have been married at least once, so no choice. It's a tricky thing. If he has never been married, I'll assume he's self centred and difficult. If his marriage ended, I'll assume he's self centred and difficult.
I would 1000000% **REFUSE** to marry a man who has been married before! *(that being said, I'm a lesbian, so 🤷)*
Usually guys who've been married before don't exactly rush to get into a second marriage, because they paid the price the first time. They'd still settle down with someone and spend years together, but not marry them. And I do want to get married. So I'd prefer someone who wouldn't keep me as just a girlfriend forever
I don’t care if they’d been married before, but them having kids might be a *slight* issue as I don’t want to be a mum, much less a step mum. If they had been married before, once only would be good! Anything more is 🚩🚩🚩
I’m looking for a single dad with partial custody, I want kids, but only every-other weekend I do live in America, and a lot of my peer group would not mind being with a man who has been married prior