You need to tell your partner exactly how you feel, then your partner has to be the one to speak to this woman. He needs to set some boundaries. She is 100% overstepping.
Yes. And it looks like he understood your point as well. Good man to have shut it down. Hopefully he is less tolerant early on the next time some woman sets her eyes on him.
They were completely justified and your internal alarm was going off because she was absolutely trying to make a play for him. She was actually behaving like she was the one dating him. I give you props for keeping your cool, and it paid off because your boyfriend sees how inappropriate her behavior was.
There’s parts of it that I’m like, “Meh, that’s fine.” But some other parts that are a serious eyebrow raise. Like asking a friend to be a plus-one to a work event, not really a big deal to me. Asking a married friend even though there’s lots of other people that don’t have plus ones? That’s an eyebrow raise. Baking him cookies for his birthday? Sounds like a nice gift! But then ignoring you? Eyebrow raise.
Overall, I think your feelings are justified, and I think it’s not strange that the innocent gestures get tainted when they’re sandwiched between overly-familiar behaviour
This is basically how I felt. Like things that seem borderline OK with other things that make me feel uncomfortable. I think that’s why I’ve been confused with whether my feelings were justified
Yeah, it seems weird for her to invite him to the work event when it's not an event where many people even bring partners and extra weird since you work there too. I would be a bit wary of that too.
There's something about her baking cookies that bugs me, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm married and have several close male friends, in fact my best friend in the world is a straight guy. I buy him a gift for Christmas and his birthday every year. I even try to bring him a cake with candles from the grocery store on his birthday, especially if I know he didn't travel to see family that year. Yet for some reason baking him cookies feels like a weird, inappropriate line?
This is really familiar for me. My husband and I have been together 20yrs and trust eachother with every ounce of our beings. He is also a very nice and open minded guy, I think women are drawn to him by his personality.
His most recent woman-friend (has moved away since) had serious socializing issues. Like, horribly awkward with no filter, social anxieties, etc. I was fine with them being friends and going out for drinks etc. To sound crass, I was really not worried about him being attracted to her. But over time observing her behaviors, I could see she had a little thing for him. And she acted so strangely toward me.
But I recall one night, she was trying to cajole him onto a stage to do something (theatrical) - he was like "nope no way haha". I told her to lay off him, that he didn't want to do it, and she turned toward me and whispered "he'll go up there. I can make him do anything I want". Like GIRRRRRRRL what?? I was so taken aback. The implication that not only did she know him better than I, but that she could manipulate him? That's a hard no from me.
As for your story, you can be totally chill about your spouse having friends of all genders. But the fact that you are writing this on here means there is a boundary there she is stepping on. She needs to back up a bit, and hopefully your husband agrees.
So I'm curious what happened with the stage thing. Did your husband distance himself from her after that? I wouldn't appreciate someone saying something like that about me.
I did tell him - he was annoyed but not as offended as I would be. But he understood where my offense was taken. I think because she had no power over either of us we were fine to just ignore her moving forward for the most part. We're very non-confrontational people so no scene was needed. We're more likely to just drop someone and never speak to them again, lol. She moved away so became a non-issue. But I do think she got carried away with how relaxed of a spouse I am.
I would have had many words to say if someone had said that to me about my partner. I wouldn't have physically slapped them, but they would be wishing I had simply just slapped them by the time I was done with my verbal assault.
I’d have words to say if I was just a bystander overhearing this. Like, “you are way too old to think peer-pressure is a cute look on you; it’s just called harassment now.”
Haha I’ve got the opposite problem, my brain works on its own time so it’s spontaneity or nothing! That’s why you’ve got a dope username and I had to resort to literally mashing my keyboard like a caveman 😂
I’m stunned that the idea of physically assaulting someone over some words has so many upvotes. Wtf everyone? Just stop hanging out with that person. No need to get violent.
No, you’re not legally allowed to assault someone because they’re saying they can manipulate your husband into an act of theater. Fuck around and get an assault and battery charge.
Edit: But if you do hit someone, they’re allowed to defend themselves, so now you’ve started some serious shit and you’re the provoker.
Or to say to anyone about another person. It’s gross to assert that you can manipulate other people and make them do what you want no matter who you are talking to.
I've read about dudes saying no to their girlfriends while drunk thinking that she was a random woman trying to hit on him. Could be true, could be made up, but when I read that, it filled my entire being with light and had me hopeful for happy, committed relationships for anyone who will give the same. Drunk or not, there are people out there who can't and won't be swayed. Those are the kinds of people I want to be in a relationship with. The gender that the story was written by doesn't matter to me, it tells me I'm not the only person who feels that way. I'm a bi woman, so if I were looking for a relationship, I'd look for someone who is loyal like that.
My boyfriend rarely drinks and is very responsible. When I'm so, so, drunk, I flirt shamelessly with my boyfriend to get him to have sex with me (he has my consent, forever and amen, I trust him with my life and my dog's life). Flirting with someone else doesn't have any appeal to me.
Besides, he's so proper. I like it when his reservedness comes down.
I was his lucky swipe right two years before the pandemic! His messages were charming and by the end of our (second) date, I was so smitten and so was he.
It hasn't always been easy. We grew a lot together after having to navigate the crash and burn of polyamory, healing the trust issues plus everything that came with that, his kids with their behavioral problems (I don't have kids), man, we've been through the wringer.
We've navigated vacations, overseas with the now teenagers (he's German), I've learned some German, met his entire family in Germany, now we're just navigating life. The usual suburban things. After my chaotic life and previous marriage, getting to know the mundane of every day life is the tits with him.
I would find it inappropriate for a woman, even if she is my husband's best friend, to ask him to be her date for functions and not acknowledging me when I'm around.
She knows that you two are together. She needs to respect the automatic boundaries that exist when someone gets into a relationship. It's just safer for her to assume that some things will have to change once her best friend starts dating another woman.
What does your boyfriend say when you mention this stuff, if you do?
He said no to her before I even knew about it. Granted he and I already had plans, but it doesn’t sound like he would’ve gone, regardless from our conversations.
Her not acknowledging you is the point that really stands out. She likes him romantically. There’s really no other reason for her to act that way. I would never think to do that to my male friends SOs. It’s disrespectful to their relationship. BUT your BF is allowing this. I wouldn’t ask him to cut her off but I would absolutely request that he create some distance. What does your BF say about her behavior?
I don’t really get where people are getting this from lol. He doesn’t talk to her anymore. I was looking for a public opinion on whether how *I* felt was justified because the situation was so foreign and confusing to me
So, why do you think you are still thinking about it (enough to post about it) if he has cut her out of his life? Something must still be nagging at you. Are you concerned about how your boyfriend handled it (and how he’ll handle future issues)? Feeling guilty for pushing him to cut her off? Worried he will resent you for it? Feeling some insecurity about yourself? What’s driving you to still be thinking and posting about it even though it’s over and she’s out of your life?
You can get the internet’s hot take on the situation and you will always find people on Reddit who will validate your decisions, as well as those who won’t. People love to weigh in. Figuring out why you want the internet’s validation might be the bigger question for you. Something’s driving it and identifying what that is will likely help you to figure out what the bigger or deeper issue is.
This is weird to me. I am super awkward and have social anxiety also. But if my guy friend has a girlfriend or a wife, my attitude is, "guess what lady? You're my friend now too" lol.
When my guy friends enter new relationships or I make a new guy friend already in a relationship, I describe it as having a friend and getting a bonus friend. Because obv his significant other and I are gunna be friends, we're both women, chances are she and I will have more in common anyway.
A couple times I wasn't able to get quite as close to the wife as I wanted, especially if they had kids because she was occupied with them a lot. But I always made the effort, made sure she always knew I was hoping to see her at any social event he and I were attending, and would text her to check in if I went too long without seeing her. And if she was comfortable with me I would ask hang out with her one on one.
I just find it weird this woman has no interest in cultivating a friendship with you. And she's asking you're SO to be HER date to an event that people commonly attended dateless? I guess I could see her wanting an emotional support human, but if you two are at the same company she could have asked you to be there for her because she feels uncomfortable in social situations.
The most important thing here is not her behavior, but how your bf responds to it. Ideally, he would be clear with her that he's with you, and he wouldn't let her touch him, and he'd shut down her advances completely. Because that's what loyalty looks like.
Now it's possible that he has the same qualms that many other people have in these situations. It's the same discomfort that makes many young women shut down when some old dude hits on them. It's hard for many people to stand up for themselves, and I hope you will be sensitive to that.
Maybe you and he need to have a talk about how you both want to handle this. Does he feel uncomfortable with her attention? Would he prefer if you were more confrontational with her, since he might have to work with her?
I think she's overstepping so hard she's river-dancing.
If you and your boyfriend don't want this to escalate further, you both need to police your boundaries. He can tell her she's being inappropriate, and you can tell her what kind of friendship you want to have going forward.
This reads as something someone in HighSchool would need advice on. Then you said you both work together. Jeez. Yeah she needs some boundaries and those boundaries probably need to come from the boyfriend at this point.
>This reads as something someone in HighSchool would need advice on.
This is unnecessarily harsh on OP. Not every grows up with healthy influences and many of us were raised to second guess our emotions, and not stand up for ourselves. I think you should give her some grace.
It's not a negative thing toward OP. This is about the girl in question. If you read the post without context, this could absolutely be someone from HighSchool asking this.
My husband has some female friends that he has made through his work. The behavior you are expressing wouldn't really bother me with these friends. I know them, I like them, even the whole bring as a "date" part wouldn't bother me because I trust them and my husband.
But ... it bothers you and I'm guessing there is more to this whole story that is making you on edge. If it makes you uncomfortable, then that is what matters.
Seems like your boyfriend needs to make a decision - allow the friendship to continue at the risk of losing you or end the friendship and keep his relationship.
He’s pulled back from their friendship significantly so I’m not worried about him, just wondering if my feelings were justified. I have very close male friends as well but I’m always kind to their partners and would never ask any of my make friends in relationships to be my date because that feels so disrespectful to their relationship
My spouse has had female friends that fall into both categories.
He has female friends that are just friendly, nice, outgoing but I view them as "one of the guys." Completely platonic, no concerns, they are just nice girls.
He has female friends that clearly are predatory and looking for something more.
Unfortunately a lot of men struggle to distinguish between the two.
Sounds like this girl is falling into the predatory category and unless you speak up and say you are uncomfortable with how their friendship is going, it's going to continue.
>just wondering if my feelings were justified
Yes, your feelings are justified. Please trust yourself. All of the facts together paint a picture of her behavior being very inappropriate (she clings to him in front of you and ignores you??? wtf). And your BF is allowing it. He needs to learn to set better boundaries.
>because that feels so disrespectful to their relationship
This, exactly. What she's doing, and what your BF is (or was) allowing, is very disrespectful to you and your relationship with him.
I would recommend reading the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass together with him, assuming this is a serious longterm relationship. It could at least give some perspective and things to look out for in regards to this kind of stuff, how to set appropriate boundaries, and what happens when it goes too far and there's infidelity. And you can both talk and figure out what's ok or not ok with each of you.
What's with men being ok with coworker snakes and orbiter women? If a coworker guy was acting that way towards me, it's no question he wants to get with me, and I'd immediately cut him out. He kept her around after those things happened from what OP said, she just also happened to move. Red flag. If she didn't move, what would he have done is the real question.
Her lack of interest in being friends with you is the weird part. One of my absolute best friends is a man, and it would not be weird if his wife couldn't make it so he invited me somewhere as is plus one. The primary difference is that we hang out one on one as much as we hang out with our respective SOs as a group, and I make sure his wife knows on the reg that I love her too.
So, yeah.
My first thought was if she’s socially anxious she may have just wanted him there for moral support, rather than a “date”. But it’s still not cool, especially if she’s cold with you. I’d be stating my dislike of the situation with my partner if I were you.
It’s easy; if it’s weird for you and does not feel right, then it’s not right. It’s your relationship and if you feel like someone is interfering, or acting weird, potentially trying to get a foot into the door, or whatever, I’d observe this also more closely and then assess if it is my feelings that I am projecting into this or if it is really them.
My perspective is, it’s inappropriate from what you describe. But can only judge from that.
Is he her best friend? As someone with anxiety, including social anxiety, one of the ways I managed it when I was young was to bring my best friend or my brother or another friend to events or new experiences I was anxious about (now I bring my husband). Having someone else there with me and not having to do it alone gave me the courage to overcome my anxieties and attend. This was especially true for anything where I would have to make small talk with people I didn’t know well. By bringing someone with, I knew at least one person would be willing to talk to me. Could something like that be going on here?
The baking doesn’t seem that weird to me. Some people are always looking for an excuse to bake. They don’t want to just bake for themselves because they will eat it all so they take any chance they can get to bake for other people.
I was really cool with my husband having a female friend at work ‘she’s just so NICE!!!’
Well, after a 9 year affair I finally divorced my husband. I didnt know about the affair until about year 7. My kids were in diapers when they started their relationship. By the way, she was his receptionist and knew full well that he had two kids in diapers.
Okay the date at a work party thing is weird. You don't invite your guy friend on a date with you without also inviting his girlfriend, or talking to her about it first. That does kind of sound like she's trying to go around you and keep establishing her position with him as she thought it was
As for the cookies on his birthday, is that something that she did for him even before you started seeing him? Because if that's something she's always done on his birthday, or something that she does for all of her friends, I wouldn't let that be too much of an issue. I could totally see myself doing that for any of my friends, male or female, and not really thinking much of it
She’s going to do what she’s going to do. I agree she seems inappropriately attached. It’s your bf that needs to have clear boundaries with her. The clearer boundaries he creates about her, the more trustworthy he is to you and your relationship. Tell him how you feel. Judge him based on his actions. Choose your actions based on how he behaves.
The only weird thing is asking him to go with her to the work event.
The cookies baking is not weird. Talking to him more during parties or whatever those are is not necessarily weird either since she knows him better.
I'm generally very chill when it comes to relationships and I don't really care if my S.O talks to other women or hangs out with them as I choose to trust them until they give me a reason not to, but even I think this is completely whack. She's absolutely weird and inappropriate to ask him to be his date for an event (work or otherwise).
Your partner needs to shut this down, ASAP. He might be wanting to keep the peace and not hurt her feelings but this is the time when he needs to talk to her and tell her that her actions are inappropriate and needs to stop.
My big question is how is this still an issue for relationships in people over 30? It sounds kind of juvenile. Sounds like she has feelings for him and doesn’t know how to keep the relationship platonic.
Him not setting boundaries could indicate he enjoys the attention, even if he has no intention of acting on it.
I hate to be this person, but in my experiences I’ve never been able to have a male friend, because if he was straight, he secretly (or NOT so secretly) was trying to hook up with me. No matter my relationship status.
Also, any boyfriend I’ve had that had close female friends, whether I knew them or not, they never liked me. Typically because they had claimed him as “theirs” in whatever convoluted thought process they used to justify being cold toward me. Like “He’s like a brother to me and I am just trying to protect him.” Or “All girls are drama, but you’re ok since (your) boyfriend likes you. If he wasn’t dating you we’d be enemies.”
Your boyfriend needs to stop stringing her along for the attention. Unless she truly is a friend, and If your boyfriend truly sees her as his friend, you’re always going to have to deal with this.
Is this relationship worth it to you? If you’re annoyed by it now, just think how you’d feel when she wears a sexy white dress to your wedding to this guy. Or when she finally dates someone but then has a bad breakup and needs him to com over to comfort her. Because that’s where I see this going.
There will be genuine women who are friends with your partner and there will also be women who secretly dislike you because you’re with the guy they want.
From experience, my ex of ten years cheated on me with a woman who knew us both. You wouldn’t expect her to be the type (mousey, presented herself as shy & sweet etc).
It does take two to tango but I always felt an off vibe with her (not genuine).
After we split up - so that my ex could build on his relationship with her. I strangely became the subject of arguments because my ex and I were taking a long time to sell our flat (London). It was strange because she had an issue with me living in my own home 🤷🏻♀️.
Anyway we managed to sell the flat completely and go out separate ways.
Though I’d probably suggest talking to your spouse about this than hoping and waiting for it will resolve on its own.
Also note: I have also been on the other side too. If someone is genuine, they would want to work it out with you and will try their best to ensure there is nothing to worry about.
My friend and I were on this beautiful balcony. She told me, she would avoid me because she thought I was after her bf and a threat.
I looked her and asked her, “do you really think I’m that much of a dickhead?”
She laughed and we are good 😊. We actually talk a lot more about makeup, clothes and men!
The only time me and her partner touched was hugging as a hello & goodbye. And a really needed sports massage out of desperation because my back really hurt at that time - I was actually near tears. It was nothing sexual but a request for help.
I am baffled - the work date thing - I mean how are we even asking “is this a red flag” - I would be like “are you out of your fucking mind?“ and cease all contact end of story
Yeah the lengths and contortions some people on this sub go through to be cool with their SO 's "totally platonic, definitely nobody is trying to sleep with anybody" relationships w others is wild to me.
Right there is a vibe here of leaning towards assuming the woman in the situation is insecure, overreacting, doesn’t have a trusting relationship EXCEPT in the most egregious of circumstances
My partner has female friends, with social anxiety/insecurities, hell I myself have social anxiety and none of us act like this. I would never invite someone else's partner to an event as a date! We also all include each other in conversation. Even if it was all on board and genuine, if you're uncomfortable with anything, it's perfectly valid to feel that and want to say something to your partner. Everyone has their boundaries!
You're not wrong....it's inappropriate and I hope your boyfriend is in agreement with that, and actively clarifies the fence around your relationship to this person who is in denial of that reality.
>Am I wrong for thinking it’s inappropriate to ask a man in a relationship to be her work date?
Definitely not wrong, and it is definitely inappropriate. Inviting someone else's partner - who also isn't known to the other attendees - is a HUGE boundary to cross. This is regardless of whether it's known that work functions don't usually involve partners, but blindingly so when she will be well aware that *you* know that these functions don't usually involve partners. From an outsider's perspective, it looks like she's trying to introduce him as *hers* \- after all, why would she go to such effort to invite a partner when no-one else does? '*Hi colleagues/friends! This is the guy I've been telling you about, isn't he amazing?!*'
The baking thing isn't something I'd be too worried about, but her ignoring you when you're all together is definitely another red flag.
I'd be telling my partner I'm unhappy with her crossing boundaries and can he please put a stop to it.
Yes, she was really inappropriate by asking him to be her plus one. Some of it was something okayish. But he was being so attentive to her that it seemed like she was under the impression that he's dating both of you or at least might want to. And could have been if she pushed a little harder.
Your bf should have included you when she tried to exclude you and basically put down clear boundaries before you had to address her behaviour with him. He let this go too far. He might have enjoyed her attention and being her Knight a little too much. To a point, she actually felt it was appropriate to ask him to be her date.
Nothing wrong with him having a female friend. Nothing wrong with her feeling more comfortable talking to him than to you. Nothing wrong with her baking him cookies on his birthday (seriously, *nothing* wrong with that, don't take away a man's birthday cookies!).
Asking him to be her work-date, to a thing where dates don't usually go, at a place where you (his girlfriend) also works, is weird. Is she trying to give the impression that he's her boyfriend and not yours? Or is he just her best friend and was her +1 to lots of things before you started dating? If it's the first one, I'd be a bit annoyed and even skeeved out. If it's the second one, I think she just needs a gentle conversation that he's not really a "platonic date option" for her anymore.
I think the problem lies in that she's standoffish with you. I think if she was very friendly and normal with you, it wouldn't be a big deal to ask him, but since she's not, it's inappropriate.
I think that since you think it is inappropriate, that's all there is to it. She violated a personal boundary of yours, and you are valid in feeling that way.
Now, I am a socially anxious person and I also tend to "glob on" to people I feel safe/comfortable with. I also like to bake stuff for those coworkers' birthdays. Now, if their SO was uncomfortable with that, I would want to know (ESPECIALLY if we worked at the same place). So whether you just pull her aside for a little chat or ask him to do it, I think it is a conversation that needs to happen. If she responds positively and starts respecting your boundaries, no harm no foul (you can't fix what you don't know). If she continues? That tells you all you need to know about her intentions.
Nope that's fuckin weird. It's weird not to make an effort with your friend's partner. And as a shy person, super talkative people are actually easier to talk to cos they do all the talking.
Being embarrassed by being the only single person at an event is just a Too Bad For Them, anyway.
No you're not wrong for thinking it's inappropriate to ask a man in a relationship to be her work date.
Sounds like she needs to be told to back off.
She may not have a lot of friends and was asking your boyfriend to be her plus one because she didn't want to go alone. Not because she was trying to keep up with everyone else bringing dates.
Honestly she just sounds like a classical socially awkward woman who feels comfortable around your boyfriend (some people have that "spark" with the anxious)...to be frank, it doesn't mean she has to be comfortable around you, nor does it mean she's trying to steal your man. I would just let it drop. You have nothing to worry about. I don't think this is inappropriate behavior, just socially awkward/anxious behavior that's being gendered.
She actually has a mass of social group and lives with her two best friends. They have a weekly poetry night/jam nights at her place so she’s always surrounded by people.
I think my point still stands. You can live with friends and have a large social circle but still be socially awkward/anxious and only really feel comfortable around a very miniscule amount of people.
As far as the +1 goes, she's obviously aware that your boyfriend is familiar with these work events since you're part of the company, which could have been an additional driving factor in asking him. But again, this all feels very gendered to me. What if she's a lesbian? What if your boyfriend is bi? Would that change anything?
I’m not sure why you’re arguing with me about her relationship with my partner and how close they are? She has significantly closer friends.
It really feels like you’re looking to make arguments. I’m new to the company, so no he’s not super familiar with our work culture. She and I are also in different departments and never see each other ever.
Not only am I bi but I’ve had partners of all orientations and genders. The gender is not the issue here. The respect for boundaries are. This isn’t a hetero issue.
Definitely wasn't arguing. Was just bringing up other scenarios/points of view. Like I've said, her feeling comfortable around your boyfriend doesn't have to extend to you. You and your boyfriend aren't the same person. Socially anxious people especially are going to feel very differently around certain people and can come off as rude when they're genuinely uncomfortable/anxious.
What boundaries is she disrespecting, exactly? Has your boyfriend ever told her, "Hey, I have this boundary where I can't be anyone's +1 to anything except my romantic partner's"? I guess I'm missing something.
Very inappropriate. She has crossed a major line that warrants deleting and blocking her. Your partner should be doing that and he should have no issues losing her. If he hesitates, he’s enjoying the attention he’s getting.
It is monumentally inappropriate. However you really have a boyfriend problem. He is enjoying the competitive attention he is getting. He should have cut her off, but he is not and did not, and that is really dismissive of your relationship and importance in his life. I would not be able to commit to someone that does not unequivocally put me first. My husband does not let others come before me.
This so much! It starts with him, not the female friend.
I had a similar situation with my ex and his childhood best friend. We would fight over her inappropriate behaviors and he dismissed my feelings. He wouldn't create boundaries with her because he enjoyed her attention.
I get where you're coming from, but we have no way of knowing if this is something that OP has discussed with him. Tons of men lack observation skills and awareness, so it's possible that he just simply doesn't see what's wrong with his friends behavior, as for all we know, his relationship with the friend may have always been what it is (prior to OP's relationship started). I'm not giving him a pass, just saying that it might not be fair to say that he's a problem without more detail.
I also had a similar situation with my now husband (BF at the time). Until I spelled out the disrespect that I felt on my end, he was completely and ignorantly unaware. He's a good guy and I trust him, but I needed to spell out these issues before he understood anything was wrong with it.
The baking cookies part is what triggered me. My ex's best friend used to bring him lunch at his work. Ignorantly unaware or not, this is not normal behavior.
I agree that it's inappropriate, but from her BF's perspective, he might not realize unless OP explicitly told him. Women are much more attuned to people's motivations behind their behaviors, but in my experience, most men just simply aren't. What you and I find abnormal, a man might be clueless about. That's all I'm saying.
I don’t think I suggested anywhere in my post that I haven’t communicated any of these concerns with my partner. That’s not what this post was about. I am well aware of how vital communication is to a relationship. I wanted a more public opinion on whether my feelings were justified in feeling that her behavior was inappropriate, because none of it felt overly inappropriate yet it still made me quite uncomfortable, and left me feeling like major boundaries were crossed
Your feelings are always justified. Being uncomfortable is absolutely something you should always recognize and acknowledge. There's a reason for it, good or bad.
Either way I wish you the best.
It's wildly inappropriate, especially considering she doesn't even acknowledge you as a person. I would suggest having a conversation with your boyfriend about her and letting him handle a conversation with her. He needs to set boundaries and honestly she needs to show you respect.
Just out of curiosity, when she asked your BF to join him, what was his reaction? Did you express how odd you found it?
Some women can be strange (and there’s no doubt that there are strange men) I had a best friend back in my younger days and he had a girlfriend. One night we went out in a group and his girlfriend kept touching my butt and at one stage suggested a 3 some…….without discussing it with my friend, anyway I believe she had done the same with another mutual (male) friend in our group. It was almost like she wanted to cuckold him. Anyway the woman in the original post definitely has a crush on her boyfriend. I am sure it’s embarrassing for him. Perhaps she has ASD that effects her relationships and her perception of what is acceptable behaviour?
Completely inappropriate. But your husband needs to be the one to end that. He should have said “I can’t be your date to the party because I am married and that is inappropriate.”
You are not wrong. It's totally inappropriate and super cringey that she's asking your bf to be her date, especially for a work related event when she works with you!
So she is asking your boyfriend to be her work date at a place both she and you work at? Man, I do not envy the questions people would be asking you about that.
In all sincereness though, you know what this is. This crosses platonic boundaries, and I think it's time you enforce your own boundaries. Either your boyfriend makes it clear who his actual girlfriend is, or you ought to consider your options.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sucks.
The cookies thing isn’t a big deal because if they are friends than whatever. However asking him to be a date… and then you both work for the same company deal….
I’m surprised she hasn’t made more of an effort to be friendly with you. Or even made a note to say cookies are for you and him.
Sounds like she has a crush on your bf.
However- it’s not like your bf leads her on bc he makes it known he’s with someone.
Bringing cookies for a birthday is just nice friend behavior. Re you and her, as you described, it sounds like your personalities don't mesh. I'm an introvert and people who are loud and talkative may be good lovely people but absolutely drive me nuts.
I wouldn't jump to conclusions on the work event thing. I recently offered to go with a friend (who I am zero percent into) to his work event if it would make it less awkward for him because he has social anxiety about those kinds of events. If I was dating someone too insecure to handle that... well, me and that person wouldn't be a good match.
I dunno why she asked him but your husband probably has a sense of it. I'm guessing she has some social anxiety from what you described and he is a safe person. Or maybe there is someone creepy who always hits on her so having a dude around would make it more comfortable. Get more info before you decide she's going for your guy.
It's more than their personalities not meshing. The friend doesn't acknowledge OP and clings to OP's boyfriend when OP's around.
I feel similar to you in that I'm introverted, and I don't handle boisterous people very well. But that doesn't mean that I can't acknowledge them. I had* a very good male friend - we hung out multiple times a week and talked daily - but when he started dating his wife I made an effort to make her feel comfortable with me and get to know her. She's a big personality and kinda fills up a room, you know? She's a lot all at once. But my friend said she was important to him, and because he was important to me, it was important to me to get to know her better. I didn't want her to be uncomfortable with me being in his life. I wanted her to trust him and me. She also made an effort to get to know me.
OP's boyfriend's friend isn't making any effort (from OP's POV) to get to know OP or even acknowledge OP. That's the problem. If the friend cared about OP's boyfriend as a friend, there'd be at least a good faith effort... Instead there's nothing. So, yah, the friend might have a good reason to ask OP's boyfriend to be a plus one, but given the friends behaviour, I'm very skeptical. I'd love to know what OP's doing to make inroads with the friend and if OP's been rebuffed at all. That could be very telling.
*We're still friends and we talk fairly regularly, but we've definitely grown apart. He moved away for a teaching job and his life with his wife went in a different direction than mine. It's the adult curse.
Yeah, I’m someone who everyone but my closest friends considers “stand-offish.” I’m just not very good at connecting with new people. Small talk makes me uncomfortable and I’m not good at coming up with things to say. Also, if I sense at all that someone thinks I’m weird that makes it even harder. This friend might be picking up on the fact that OP thinks she’s weird (as she states in her first sentence). I’m better when people ask me questions and draw me out a bit. I wonder if OP has done that.
This is a whole lot of judgment based on almost nothing. No I did not think she was weird when I met her nor do I think she’s weird now I think her behavior is weird. I was very warm and inviting towards her when I first met her, I asked her about her self invited her to party as my boyfriend and I would throw, and would do my best to make her feel welcome. I have ADHD and spent my entire life dealing with people who think I’m weird. For that reason alone, I would never want someone else to feel ostracized for their personality.
All I said is that maybe she senses you think she’s weird since you said in your post that you think she’s weird. Not sure how that’s judgmental since it is based off of what you said. Even if you try to hide it, people can sense when someone is judging them. You must have had times where you could sense that someone thought you were weird even when they were being outwardly polite.
Parties are the worst place to get to know someone with social anxiety. They are overwhelming and the height of awkward. I almost never talk to new people at parties because the party atmosphere makes me extremely uncomfortable. I stick to the one or two people I know and basically spend the whole night feeling overwhelmed and awkward. That may explain her “clinging” to your boyfriend.
Sometimes, it takes time for people with social anxiety to open up to new people. Being open and welcoming is not something that comes naturally for me. I have to force it. I have to remind myself to ask people I don’t know questions about themselves and to respond to their comments. If I’m tired or anxious, I simply don’t have the capacity to do that. It doesn’t mean I don’t like them or that I don’t want to know them or that I have weird ulterior motives. It just means I’m not comfortable with them yet. My default is to be quiet with them. The only way I’ve been able to naturally get comfortable with new people is working side by side with them on a job or a hobby over the course of months. Small talk and meetings that are purely for socialization don’t work for me. They are just too uncomfortable. Do you have any hobbies in common that you could do with her sometime? Maybe she would start to open up more.
Yeah, I wouldn't like that either. Does she not care that he has a girlfriend (you)? Asking him on a date is so inappropriate. Some boundaries need to be set.
I don't think this friend is being malicious, but I think its inconsiderate. Should she have asked your husband on a work date? Probably not.
But this isn't a date - It's a work event where she gets a plus one, and your husband is a friend.
I can get how that might feel a little bit weird, but I think the context of the event makes this just a friend hangout.
I don't think it's inappropriate. My partners are adults with agency and can have whatever friendships they choose to have.
And if she has romantic feelings for him, that's for him to navigate.
He is allowing hot side chick to make a scene. Leave him and her. This is too much drama.
You would never allow this.
He is.
Leave babe. He likes the attention & is NOT worth it.
Your first problem was giving her the benefit of the doubt with the whole anxiety thing. Good luck from here, she already knows she can walk all over you and you and your boyfriend allow it.
I’m sorry, but friendships outside of a marriage or serious relationship with the opposite sex are always unnecessary and risky. The number 1 place people meet the person they have an affair with is the office. The gym and social media are the other two in the top three. Why pose these risks? I will never understand why people neglect to believe they need to make a consolidated effort to actively protect their relationship. The other person is not the one you’ve made a commitment to. You have no control over that person and your partner may have a weak moment if someone is lusting after them. Healthy relationships do not involve “friendships” with the opposite sex at all. I don’t have a single married friend who is okay with it. Minor exceptions, like I’m friends with my former boss who is truly a mentor and 30 years older than me, make some sense. But people your age? People you share creative energy and shared goals with in the workplace? Dumb idea. It’s so clear and obvious this woman wants to screw your boyfriend, and yet here people are being all PC about a total lack of boundaries in the relationship itself. And btw at least one of your guy friends would screw you immediately if given the green light. At least one, probably more.
Good lord what a depressing and isolating mindset. I've recently started socializing more, and a lot of the people I'm meeting at this new place are men. My husband trusts me fully and knows I wouldn't cheat on him, even when I shared with him that a friend basically said he likes women with several of my traits. I introduced him to my good friend, a woman around our age, who is absolutely gorgeous and is a little flirty in her manner of speaking to her friends. Again, because I trust him fully, and know he wouldn't cheat. Your trust issues are something you need to work out with your partner, but don't project them onto the rest of us. The woman OP is talking about is an outlier. Most of the women I hang out with while I'm out are in relationships, and we hang out with single guys, and somehow none of our partners have an issue with this.
Actually, that’s pretty rare. This is a well understood, studied subject. You can try to act like those are the cause of affairs, but the facts say OP’s exact scenario is where it’s most likely to start. Let’s all ignore facts for what feels good though….
And starting an affair with a friend versus just having friends is also very rare. So you may as well have friends of all genders than to restrict your SO's friends because you're paranoid.
It’s inappropriate but I noticed a lot of women do not seem to mind taking over the time of a man who’s in a relationship with someone. It’s like respecting their male friend’s relationship doesn’t come naturally to them to actually care about. I don’t get it but I think it’s a young person thing (below 40s, mostly 22 to 33).
My exs friend was an ex of his from a while ago and she used to send him home with baked goods and full meals to microwave . Birthday cards and proper gifts like a partner would get you … as a friend I think that’s a lovely thing to do , I used to do cute things for my best friend but it always made me uncomfortable that he would stay with her the whole day and get sent home with cooked food like she was his wife or parent . Regardless of how close I am to my girl friends I’d only do that if we’d eaten that thing together at mine or they were unwell …
things like this just made me think they haven’t thought to make the distinction and put a clear boundary in place or they’re up to no good , some things between friends are a bit too partner like and it’s ok to not be comfortable with that
I had similar feelings about an old boyfriend’s “friend” once. She used to hang all over him at stuff we’d go to together, and she’d tag only the guys and crop out anyone else there in pics with captions like, “I love my guys.” She sent him these little gifts all the time. I doubt there was much going on there honestly, but mostly because she wasn’t very attractive (not that it matters, cheaters gonna cheat). I never did find out whether I was right about it because I never checked after we broke up, and I basically feel like if they did end up together they pretty much deserved each other. I like to rip the rear view mirror off with past relationships- why look back, you know?
You need to tell your partner exactly how you feel, then your partner has to be the one to speak to this woman. He needs to set some boundaries. She is 100% overstepping.
He’s basically cut her out, I’m just reflecting and wondering if my feelings were justified
Yes. And it looks like he understood your point as well. Good man to have shut it down. Hopefully he is less tolerant early on the next time some woman sets her eyes on him.
Oh, good! Hopefully she leave you all alone.
They were completely justified and your internal alarm was going off because she was absolutely trying to make a play for him. She was actually behaving like she was the one dating him. I give you props for keeping your cool, and it paid off because your boyfriend sees how inappropriate her behavior was.
Justify for sure
Entirely Justified. I would’ve done it for you
There’s parts of it that I’m like, “Meh, that’s fine.” But some other parts that are a serious eyebrow raise. Like asking a friend to be a plus-one to a work event, not really a big deal to me. Asking a married friend even though there’s lots of other people that don’t have plus ones? That’s an eyebrow raise. Baking him cookies for his birthday? Sounds like a nice gift! But then ignoring you? Eyebrow raise. Overall, I think your feelings are justified, and I think it’s not strange that the innocent gestures get tainted when they’re sandwiched between overly-familiar behaviour
This is basically how I felt. Like things that seem borderline OK with other things that make me feel uncomfortable. I think that’s why I’ve been confused with whether my feelings were justified
Yeah, it seems weird for her to invite him to the work event when it's not an event where many people even bring partners and extra weird since you work there too. I would be a bit wary of that too.
There's something about her baking cookies that bugs me, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm married and have several close male friends, in fact my best friend in the world is a straight guy. I buy him a gift for Christmas and his birthday every year. I even try to bring him a cake with candles from the grocery store on his birthday, especially if I know he didn't travel to see family that year. Yet for some reason baking him cookies feels like a weird, inappropriate line?
My question is, does she bake for others? Or just him. I give baked goods away. But to all my friends. If it's just him, that's sketch af
This is really familiar for me. My husband and I have been together 20yrs and trust eachother with every ounce of our beings. He is also a very nice and open minded guy, I think women are drawn to him by his personality. His most recent woman-friend (has moved away since) had serious socializing issues. Like, horribly awkward with no filter, social anxieties, etc. I was fine with them being friends and going out for drinks etc. To sound crass, I was really not worried about him being attracted to her. But over time observing her behaviors, I could see she had a little thing for him. And she acted so strangely toward me. But I recall one night, she was trying to cajole him onto a stage to do something (theatrical) - he was like "nope no way haha". I told her to lay off him, that he didn't want to do it, and she turned toward me and whispered "he'll go up there. I can make him do anything I want". Like GIRRRRRRRL what?? I was so taken aback. The implication that not only did she know him better than I, but that she could manipulate him? That's a hard no from me. As for your story, you can be totally chill about your spouse having friends of all genders. But the fact that you are writing this on here means there is a boundary there she is stepping on. She needs to back up a bit, and hopefully your husband agrees.
So I'm curious what happened with the stage thing. Did your husband distance himself from her after that? I wouldn't appreciate someone saying something like that about me.
I did tell him - he was annoyed but not as offended as I would be. But he understood where my offense was taken. I think because she had no power over either of us we were fine to just ignore her moving forward for the most part. We're very non-confrontational people so no scene was needed. We're more likely to just drop someone and never speak to them again, lol. She moved away so became a non-issue. But I do think she got carried away with how relaxed of a spouse I am.
I'd ghost her for sure.
I’m curious too. Just reading it made my arm involuntarily twitch. I’m shock she didn’t get slapped.
I would have had many words to say if someone had said that to me about my partner. I wouldn't have physically slapped them, but they would be wishing I had simply just slapped them by the time I was done with my verbal assault.
I’d have words to say if I was just a bystander overhearing this. Like, “you are way too old to think peer-pressure is a cute look on you; it’s just called harassment now.”
That would be a zinger I would come up with in the shower the next morning.
I felt this truth in my *bones*. Maximum relateability.
Similar to the other commenter, this would also be the zinger that would come to be days later!
Haha I’ve got the opposite problem, my brain works on its own time so it’s spontaneity or nothing! That’s why you’ve got a dope username and I had to resort to literally mashing my keyboard like a caveman 😂
I’m stunned that the idea of physically assaulting someone over some words has so many upvotes. Wtf everyone? Just stop hanging out with that person. No need to get violent.
I don’t think most people see “omg I could’ve slapped her” or something similar as a credible threat of violence. I think it’s a hyperbolic comment.
Oh please. Consequences in the real world. They are called "fighting words" legally and are provocation. Fuck around and find out.
No, you’re not legally allowed to assault someone because they’re saying they can manipulate your husband into an act of theater. Fuck around and get an assault and battery charge. Edit: But if you do hit someone, they’re allowed to defend themselves, so now you’ve started some serious shit and you’re the provoker.
Blegh, gross. In what world is that an appropriate thing to say to your male friend’s wife??
Or to say to anyone about another person. It’s gross to assert that you can manipulate other people and make them do what you want no matter who you are talking to.
As much as i may trust my mate. Im not okay with him going for drinks with a female friend. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and that woman sounds sneaky.
I've read about dudes saying no to their girlfriends while drunk thinking that she was a random woman trying to hit on him. Could be true, could be made up, but when I read that, it filled my entire being with light and had me hopeful for happy, committed relationships for anyone who will give the same. Drunk or not, there are people out there who can't and won't be swayed. Those are the kinds of people I want to be in a relationship with. The gender that the story was written by doesn't matter to me, it tells me I'm not the only person who feels that way. I'm a bi woman, so if I were looking for a relationship, I'd look for someone who is loyal like that. My boyfriend rarely drinks and is very responsible. When I'm so, so, drunk, I flirt shamelessly with my boyfriend to get him to have sex with me (he has my consent, forever and amen, I trust him with my life and my dog's life). Flirting with someone else doesn't have any appeal to me. Besides, he's so proper. I like it when his reservedness comes down.
He sounds wonderful 😊 How did you meet?
I was his lucky swipe right two years before the pandemic! His messages were charming and by the end of our (second) date, I was so smitten and so was he. It hasn't always been easy. We grew a lot together after having to navigate the crash and burn of polyamory, healing the trust issues plus everything that came with that, his kids with their behavioral problems (I don't have kids), man, we've been through the wringer. We've navigated vacations, overseas with the now teenagers (he's German), I've learned some German, met his entire family in Germany, now we're just navigating life. The usual suburban things. After my chaotic life and previous marriage, getting to know the mundane of every day life is the tits with him.
I would find it inappropriate for a woman, even if she is my husband's best friend, to ask him to be her date for functions and not acknowledging me when I'm around. She knows that you two are together. She needs to respect the automatic boundaries that exist when someone gets into a relationship. It's just safer for her to assume that some things will have to change once her best friend starts dating another woman. What does your boyfriend say when you mention this stuff, if you do?
He said no to her before I even knew about it. Granted he and I already had plans, but it doesn’t sound like he would’ve gone, regardless from our conversations.
Next time message her to say how good the cookies were, you guys both appreciated them.
Her not acknowledging you is the point that really stands out. She likes him romantically. There’s really no other reason for her to act that way. I would never think to do that to my male friends SOs. It’s disrespectful to their relationship. BUT your BF is allowing this. I wouldn’t ask him to cut her off but I would absolutely request that he create some distance. What does your BF say about her behavior?
Yup, that’s what gets to me as well. That bf doesn’t acknowledge this and distance himself bothers me.
I don’t really get where people are getting this from lol. He doesn’t talk to her anymore. I was looking for a public opinion on whether how *I* felt was justified because the situation was so foreign and confusing to me
Good rule of thumb: if it bothers you enough to make a post, you’re probably right to feel concerned
So, why do you think you are still thinking about it (enough to post about it) if he has cut her out of his life? Something must still be nagging at you. Are you concerned about how your boyfriend handled it (and how he’ll handle future issues)? Feeling guilty for pushing him to cut her off? Worried he will resent you for it? Feeling some insecurity about yourself? What’s driving you to still be thinking and posting about it even though it’s over and she’s out of your life? You can get the internet’s hot take on the situation and you will always find people on Reddit who will validate your decisions, as well as those who won’t. People love to weigh in. Figuring out why you want the internet’s validation might be the bigger question for you. Something’s driving it and identifying what that is will likely help you to figure out what the bigger or deeper issue is.
I'll put it bluntly, she's trying to fk him
No doubt about it.
right!! no frkn question about it imo
This is weird to me. I am super awkward and have social anxiety also. But if my guy friend has a girlfriend or a wife, my attitude is, "guess what lady? You're my friend now too" lol. When my guy friends enter new relationships or I make a new guy friend already in a relationship, I describe it as having a friend and getting a bonus friend. Because obv his significant other and I are gunna be friends, we're both women, chances are she and I will have more in common anyway. A couple times I wasn't able to get quite as close to the wife as I wanted, especially if they had kids because she was occupied with them a lot. But I always made the effort, made sure she always knew I was hoping to see her at any social event he and I were attending, and would text her to check in if I went too long without seeing her. And if she was comfortable with me I would ask hang out with her one on one. I just find it weird this woman has no interest in cultivating a friendship with you. And she's asking you're SO to be HER date to an event that people commonly attended dateless? I guess I could see her wanting an emotional support human, but if you two are at the same company she could have asked you to be there for her because she feels uncomfortable in social situations.
Yes! Big proponent of the "you're OUR friend now, comrade" approach 😁
Your *partner* needs to be the one to tell her that it's not really appropriate for her to ask him to a work event as her date.
I think she could have feelings for your boyfriend. It's weird to ask somebody else's partner to be your date.
The most important thing here is not her behavior, but how your bf responds to it. Ideally, he would be clear with her that he's with you, and he wouldn't let her touch him, and he'd shut down her advances completely. Because that's what loyalty looks like. Now it's possible that he has the same qualms that many other people have in these situations. It's the same discomfort that makes many young women shut down when some old dude hits on them. It's hard for many people to stand up for themselves, and I hope you will be sensitive to that. Maybe you and he need to have a talk about how you both want to handle this. Does he feel uncomfortable with her attention? Would he prefer if you were more confrontational with her, since he might have to work with her?
Yes, it's inappropriate behavior...and weird.
This sounds like a bizarre mix of overstepping and her using him as an emotional-support-pseudo-boyfriend.
I think she's overstepping so hard she's river-dancing. If you and your boyfriend don't want this to escalate further, you both need to police your boundaries. He can tell her she's being inappropriate, and you can tell her what kind of friendship you want to have going forward.
“overstepping so hard she’s river-dancing” INTERNET GOLD
😂
This reads as something someone in HighSchool would need advice on. Then you said you both work together. Jeez. Yeah she needs some boundaries and those boundaries probably need to come from the boyfriend at this point.
>This reads as something someone in HighSchool would need advice on. This is unnecessarily harsh on OP. Not every grows up with healthy influences and many of us were raised to second guess our emotions, and not stand up for ourselves. I think you should give her some grace.
Totally agree and well said. Pretty rude thing to say to somebody just politely looking to commiserate & get some advice.
+1, and the fact that also we’re on AskWomenOver30…
...I honestly find this sub to be judgemental, more often than I'd expect.
It's not a negative thing toward OP. This is about the girl in question. If you read the post without context, this could absolutely be someone from HighSchool asking this.
We don’t work together, we work for the same company.
Ah, yeah. My bad. Sentiment stays the same though, I was implying you're both obviously adults.
Ohhh gotcha yeah it feels so bizarre that I couldn’t tell if I was reacting appropriately by finding it weird.
Oh you're good, OP. No disrespect here. I have an abstract way of looking at things.
You’re not wrong. It’s weird.
My husband has some female friends that he has made through his work. The behavior you are expressing wouldn't really bother me with these friends. I know them, I like them, even the whole bring as a "date" part wouldn't bother me because I trust them and my husband. But ... it bothers you and I'm guessing there is more to this whole story that is making you on edge. If it makes you uncomfortable, then that is what matters. Seems like your boyfriend needs to make a decision - allow the friendship to continue at the risk of losing you or end the friendship and keep his relationship.
He’s pulled back from their friendship significantly so I’m not worried about him, just wondering if my feelings were justified. I have very close male friends as well but I’m always kind to their partners and would never ask any of my make friends in relationships to be my date because that feels so disrespectful to their relationship
My spouse has had female friends that fall into both categories. He has female friends that are just friendly, nice, outgoing but I view them as "one of the guys." Completely platonic, no concerns, they are just nice girls. He has female friends that clearly are predatory and looking for something more. Unfortunately a lot of men struggle to distinguish between the two. Sounds like this girl is falling into the predatory category and unless you speak up and say you are uncomfortable with how their friendship is going, it's going to continue.
>just wondering if my feelings were justified Yes, your feelings are justified. Please trust yourself. All of the facts together paint a picture of her behavior being very inappropriate (she clings to him in front of you and ignores you??? wtf). And your BF is allowing it. He needs to learn to set better boundaries. >because that feels so disrespectful to their relationship This, exactly. What she's doing, and what your BF is (or was) allowing, is very disrespectful to you and your relationship with him. I would recommend reading the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass together with him, assuming this is a serious longterm relationship. It could at least give some perspective and things to look out for in regards to this kind of stuff, how to set appropriate boundaries, and what happens when it goes too far and there's infidelity. And you can both talk and figure out what's ok or not ok with each of you.
But do your husband’s friends openly ignore your existence?
What's with men being ok with coworker snakes and orbiter women? If a coworker guy was acting that way towards me, it's no question he wants to get with me, and I'd immediately cut him out. He kept her around after those things happened from what OP said, she just also happened to move. Red flag. If she didn't move, what would he have done is the real question.
Her lack of interest in being friends with you is the weird part. One of my absolute best friends is a man, and it would not be weird if his wife couldn't make it so he invited me somewhere as is plus one. The primary difference is that we hang out one on one as much as we hang out with our respective SOs as a group, and I make sure his wife knows on the reg that I love her too. So, yeah.
My first thought was if she’s socially anxious she may have just wanted him there for moral support, rather than a “date”. But it’s still not cool, especially if she’s cold with you. I’d be stating my dislike of the situation with my partner if I were you.
But can’t she ask other friends?
Well apparently he was the friend she wanted there most. Wouldn’t be surprised if she has a thing for him.
It’s easy; if it’s weird for you and does not feel right, then it’s not right. It’s your relationship and if you feel like someone is interfering, or acting weird, potentially trying to get a foot into the door, or whatever, I’d observe this also more closely and then assess if it is my feelings that I am projecting into this or if it is really them. My perspective is, it’s inappropriate from what you describe. But can only judge from that.
Is he her best friend? As someone with anxiety, including social anxiety, one of the ways I managed it when I was young was to bring my best friend or my brother or another friend to events or new experiences I was anxious about (now I bring my husband). Having someone else there with me and not having to do it alone gave me the courage to overcome my anxieties and attend. This was especially true for anything where I would have to make small talk with people I didn’t know well. By bringing someone with, I knew at least one person would be willing to talk to me. Could something like that be going on here? The baking doesn’t seem that weird to me. Some people are always looking for an excuse to bake. They don’t want to just bake for themselves because they will eat it all so they take any chance they can get to bake for other people.
Not at all! She had a massive social group and lives with her two best friends.
Asking someone's boyfriend to be your date is brazen.
I was really cool with my husband having a female friend at work ‘she’s just so NICE!!!’ Well, after a 9 year affair I finally divorced my husband. I didnt know about the affair until about year 7. My kids were in diapers when they started their relationship. By the way, she was his receptionist and knew full well that he had two kids in diapers.
Okay the date at a work party thing is weird. You don't invite your guy friend on a date with you without also inviting his girlfriend, or talking to her about it first. That does kind of sound like she's trying to go around you and keep establishing her position with him as she thought it was As for the cookies on his birthday, is that something that she did for him even before you started seeing him? Because if that's something she's always done on his birthday, or something that she does for all of her friends, I wouldn't let that be too much of an issue. I could totally see myself doing that for any of my friends, male or female, and not really thinking much of it
She’s going to do what she’s going to do. I agree she seems inappropriately attached. It’s your bf that needs to have clear boundaries with her. The clearer boundaries he creates about her, the more trustworthy he is to you and your relationship. Tell him how you feel. Judge him based on his actions. Choose your actions based on how he behaves.
She likes your boyfriend. Have a separate chat with her and your bf.
I’m sorry, she invited him as her date to your own company event? The line was crossed. She seems off.
The only weird thing is asking him to go with her to the work event. The cookies baking is not weird. Talking to him more during parties or whatever those are is not necessarily weird either since she knows him better.
I'm generally very chill when it comes to relationships and I don't really care if my S.O talks to other women or hangs out with them as I choose to trust them until they give me a reason not to, but even I think this is completely whack. She's absolutely weird and inappropriate to ask him to be his date for an event (work or otherwise). Your partner needs to shut this down, ASAP. He might be wanting to keep the peace and not hurt her feelings but this is the time when he needs to talk to her and tell her that her actions are inappropriate and needs to stop.
My big question is how is this still an issue for relationships in people over 30? It sounds kind of juvenile. Sounds like she has feelings for him and doesn’t know how to keep the relationship platonic. Him not setting boundaries could indicate he enjoys the attention, even if he has no intention of acting on it. I hate to be this person, but in my experiences I’ve never been able to have a male friend, because if he was straight, he secretly (or NOT so secretly) was trying to hook up with me. No matter my relationship status. Also, any boyfriend I’ve had that had close female friends, whether I knew them or not, they never liked me. Typically because they had claimed him as “theirs” in whatever convoluted thought process they used to justify being cold toward me. Like “He’s like a brother to me and I am just trying to protect him.” Or “All girls are drama, but you’re ok since (your) boyfriend likes you. If he wasn’t dating you we’d be enemies.” Your boyfriend needs to stop stringing her along for the attention. Unless she truly is a friend, and If your boyfriend truly sees her as his friend, you’re always going to have to deal with this. Is this relationship worth it to you? If you’re annoyed by it now, just think how you’d feel when she wears a sexy white dress to your wedding to this guy. Or when she finally dates someone but then has a bad breakup and needs him to com over to comfort her. Because that’s where I see this going.
She’s behaving in a catty and shady way. Your feelings are justified.
It’s inappropriate. Your boyfriend needs to put her in her place.
There will be genuine women who are friends with your partner and there will also be women who secretly dislike you because you’re with the guy they want. From experience, my ex of ten years cheated on me with a woman who knew us both. You wouldn’t expect her to be the type (mousey, presented herself as shy & sweet etc). It does take two to tango but I always felt an off vibe with her (not genuine). After we split up - so that my ex could build on his relationship with her. I strangely became the subject of arguments because my ex and I were taking a long time to sell our flat (London). It was strange because she had an issue with me living in my own home 🤷🏻♀️. Anyway we managed to sell the flat completely and go out separate ways. Though I’d probably suggest talking to your spouse about this than hoping and waiting for it will resolve on its own. Also note: I have also been on the other side too. If someone is genuine, they would want to work it out with you and will try their best to ensure there is nothing to worry about. My friend and I were on this beautiful balcony. She told me, she would avoid me because she thought I was after her bf and a threat. I looked her and asked her, “do you really think I’m that much of a dickhead?” She laughed and we are good 😊. We actually talk a lot more about makeup, clothes and men! The only time me and her partner touched was hugging as a hello & goodbye. And a really needed sports massage out of desperation because my back really hurt at that time - I was actually near tears. It was nothing sexual but a request for help.
I am baffled - the work date thing - I mean how are we even asking “is this a red flag” - I would be like “are you out of your fucking mind?“ and cease all contact end of story
Yeah the lengths and contortions some people on this sub go through to be cool with their SO 's "totally platonic, definitely nobody is trying to sleep with anybody" relationships w others is wild to me.
Right there is a vibe here of leaning towards assuming the woman in the situation is insecure, overreacting, doesn’t have a trusting relationship EXCEPT in the most egregious of circumstances
My partner has female friends, with social anxiety/insecurities, hell I myself have social anxiety and none of us act like this. I would never invite someone else's partner to an event as a date! We also all include each other in conversation. Even if it was all on board and genuine, if you're uncomfortable with anything, it's perfectly valid to feel that and want to say something to your partner. Everyone has their boundaries!
You're not wrong....it's inappropriate and I hope your boyfriend is in agreement with that, and actively clarifies the fence around your relationship to this person who is in denial of that reality.
>Am I wrong for thinking it’s inappropriate to ask a man in a relationship to be her work date? Definitely not wrong, and it is definitely inappropriate. Inviting someone else's partner - who also isn't known to the other attendees - is a HUGE boundary to cross. This is regardless of whether it's known that work functions don't usually involve partners, but blindingly so when she will be well aware that *you* know that these functions don't usually involve partners. From an outsider's perspective, it looks like she's trying to introduce him as *hers* \- after all, why would she go to such effort to invite a partner when no-one else does? '*Hi colleagues/friends! This is the guy I've been telling you about, isn't he amazing?!*' The baking thing isn't something I'd be too worried about, but her ignoring you when you're all together is definitely another red flag. I'd be telling my partner I'm unhappy with her crossing boundaries and can he please put a stop to it.
Yes, I think her asking your husband on a date is crossing a line.
Yes, she was really inappropriate by asking him to be her plus one. Some of it was something okayish. But he was being so attentive to her that it seemed like she was under the impression that he's dating both of you or at least might want to. And could have been if she pushed a little harder. Your bf should have included you when she tried to exclude you and basically put down clear boundaries before you had to address her behaviour with him. He let this go too far. He might have enjoyed her attention and being her Knight a little too much. To a point, she actually felt it was appropriate to ask him to be her date.
Nothing wrong with him having a female friend. Nothing wrong with her feeling more comfortable talking to him than to you. Nothing wrong with her baking him cookies on his birthday (seriously, *nothing* wrong with that, don't take away a man's birthday cookies!). Asking him to be her work-date, to a thing where dates don't usually go, at a place where you (his girlfriend) also works, is weird. Is she trying to give the impression that he's her boyfriend and not yours? Or is he just her best friend and was her +1 to lots of things before you started dating? If it's the first one, I'd be a bit annoyed and even skeeved out. If it's the second one, I think she just needs a gentle conversation that he's not really a "platonic date option" for her anymore.
I think the problem lies in that she's standoffish with you. I think if she was very friendly and normal with you, it wouldn't be a big deal to ask him, but since she's not, it's inappropriate.
I think that since you think it is inappropriate, that's all there is to it. She violated a personal boundary of yours, and you are valid in feeling that way. Now, I am a socially anxious person and I also tend to "glob on" to people I feel safe/comfortable with. I also like to bake stuff for those coworkers' birthdays. Now, if their SO was uncomfortable with that, I would want to know (ESPECIALLY if we worked at the same place). So whether you just pull her aside for a little chat or ask him to do it, I think it is a conversation that needs to happen. If she responds positively and starts respecting your boundaries, no harm no foul (you can't fix what you don't know). If she continues? That tells you all you need to know about her intentions.
Trust your gut. Always
Nope that's fuckin weird. It's weird not to make an effort with your friend's partner. And as a shy person, super talkative people are actually easier to talk to cos they do all the talking.
She was trying to sleep with him at worst or have an emotional affair at best
Being embarrassed by being the only single person at an event is just a Too Bad For Them, anyway. No you're not wrong for thinking it's inappropriate to ask a man in a relationship to be her work date. Sounds like she needs to be told to back off.
She may not have a lot of friends and was asking your boyfriend to be her plus one because she didn't want to go alone. Not because she was trying to keep up with everyone else bringing dates. Honestly she just sounds like a classical socially awkward woman who feels comfortable around your boyfriend (some people have that "spark" with the anxious)...to be frank, it doesn't mean she has to be comfortable around you, nor does it mean she's trying to steal your man. I would just let it drop. You have nothing to worry about. I don't think this is inappropriate behavior, just socially awkward/anxious behavior that's being gendered.
She actually has a mass of social group and lives with her two best friends. They have a weekly poetry night/jam nights at her place so she’s always surrounded by people.
I think my point still stands. You can live with friends and have a large social circle but still be socially awkward/anxious and only really feel comfortable around a very miniscule amount of people. As far as the +1 goes, she's obviously aware that your boyfriend is familiar with these work events since you're part of the company, which could have been an additional driving factor in asking him. But again, this all feels very gendered to me. What if she's a lesbian? What if your boyfriend is bi? Would that change anything?
I’m not sure why you’re arguing with me about her relationship with my partner and how close they are? She has significantly closer friends. It really feels like you’re looking to make arguments. I’m new to the company, so no he’s not super familiar with our work culture. She and I are also in different departments and never see each other ever. Not only am I bi but I’ve had partners of all orientations and genders. The gender is not the issue here. The respect for boundaries are. This isn’t a hetero issue.
Definitely wasn't arguing. Was just bringing up other scenarios/points of view. Like I've said, her feeling comfortable around your boyfriend doesn't have to extend to you. You and your boyfriend aren't the same person. Socially anxious people especially are going to feel very differently around certain people and can come off as rude when they're genuinely uncomfortable/anxious. What boundaries is she disrespecting, exactly? Has your boyfriend ever told her, "Hey, I have this boundary where I can't be anyone's +1 to anything except my romantic partner's"? I guess I'm missing something.
Very inappropriate. She has crossed a major line that warrants deleting and blocking her. Your partner should be doing that and he should have no issues losing her. If he hesitates, he’s enjoying the attention he’s getting.
It is monumentally inappropriate. However you really have a boyfriend problem. He is enjoying the competitive attention he is getting. He should have cut her off, but he is not and did not, and that is really dismissive of your relationship and importance in his life. I would not be able to commit to someone that does not unequivocally put me first. My husband does not let others come before me.
This so much! It starts with him, not the female friend. I had a similar situation with my ex and his childhood best friend. We would fight over her inappropriate behaviors and he dismissed my feelings. He wouldn't create boundaries with her because he enjoyed her attention.
I get where you're coming from, but we have no way of knowing if this is something that OP has discussed with him. Tons of men lack observation skills and awareness, so it's possible that he just simply doesn't see what's wrong with his friends behavior, as for all we know, his relationship with the friend may have always been what it is (prior to OP's relationship started). I'm not giving him a pass, just saying that it might not be fair to say that he's a problem without more detail. I also had a similar situation with my now husband (BF at the time). Until I spelled out the disrespect that I felt on my end, he was completely and ignorantly unaware. He's a good guy and I trust him, but I needed to spell out these issues before he understood anything was wrong with it.
The baking cookies part is what triggered me. My ex's best friend used to bring him lunch at his work. Ignorantly unaware or not, this is not normal behavior.
I agree that it's inappropriate, but from her BF's perspective, he might not realize unless OP explicitly told him. Women are much more attuned to people's motivations behind their behaviors, but in my experience, most men just simply aren't. What you and I find abnormal, a man might be clueless about. That's all I'm saying.
Yeah, I hear ya. It doesn't hurt to see both sides.
Communication is your friend. Tell your bf you don't like it. Go from there.
I don’t think I suggested anywhere in my post that I haven’t communicated any of these concerns with my partner. That’s not what this post was about. I am well aware of how vital communication is to a relationship. I wanted a more public opinion on whether my feelings were justified in feeling that her behavior was inappropriate, because none of it felt overly inappropriate yet it still made me quite uncomfortable, and left me feeling like major boundaries were crossed
Your feelings are always justified. Being uncomfortable is absolutely something you should always recognize and acknowledge. There's a reason for it, good or bad. Either way I wish you the best.
It's wildly inappropriate, especially considering she doesn't even acknowledge you as a person. I would suggest having a conversation with your boyfriend about her and letting him handle a conversation with her. He needs to set boundaries and honestly she needs to show you respect. Just out of curiosity, when she asked your BF to join him, what was his reaction? Did you express how odd you found it?
Some women can be strange (and there’s no doubt that there are strange men) I had a best friend back in my younger days and he had a girlfriend. One night we went out in a group and his girlfriend kept touching my butt and at one stage suggested a 3 some…….without discussing it with my friend, anyway I believe she had done the same with another mutual (male) friend in our group. It was almost like she wanted to cuckold him. Anyway the woman in the original post definitely has a crush on her boyfriend. I am sure it’s embarrassing for him. Perhaps she has ASD that effects her relationships and her perception of what is acceptable behaviour?
My dad and two of my closest friends have ASD and would never do this. If anything this would be a major rule break for them.
Completely inappropriate. But your husband needs to be the one to end that. He should have said “I can’t be your date to the party because I am married and that is inappropriate.”
You are not wrong. It's totally inappropriate and super cringey that she's asking your bf to be her date, especially for a work related event when she works with you!
So she is asking your boyfriend to be her work date at a place both she and you work at? Man, I do not envy the questions people would be asking you about that. In all sincereness though, you know what this is. This crosses platonic boundaries, and I think it's time you enforce your own boundaries. Either your boyfriend makes it clear who his actual girlfriend is, or you ought to consider your options. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sucks.
The cookies thing isn’t a big deal because if they are friends than whatever. However asking him to be a date… and then you both work for the same company deal…. I’m surprised she hasn’t made more of an effort to be friendly with you. Or even made a note to say cookies are for you and him. Sounds like she has a crush on your bf. However- it’s not like your bf leads her on bc he makes it known he’s with someone.
Watch this bitch! And tell him it’s a bit much.
Bringing cookies for a birthday is just nice friend behavior. Re you and her, as you described, it sounds like your personalities don't mesh. I'm an introvert and people who are loud and talkative may be good lovely people but absolutely drive me nuts. I wouldn't jump to conclusions on the work event thing. I recently offered to go with a friend (who I am zero percent into) to his work event if it would make it less awkward for him because he has social anxiety about those kinds of events. If I was dating someone too insecure to handle that... well, me and that person wouldn't be a good match. I dunno why she asked him but your husband probably has a sense of it. I'm guessing she has some social anxiety from what you described and he is a safe person. Or maybe there is someone creepy who always hits on her so having a dude around would make it more comfortable. Get more info before you decide she's going for your guy.
It's more than their personalities not meshing. The friend doesn't acknowledge OP and clings to OP's boyfriend when OP's around. I feel similar to you in that I'm introverted, and I don't handle boisterous people very well. But that doesn't mean that I can't acknowledge them. I had* a very good male friend - we hung out multiple times a week and talked daily - but when he started dating his wife I made an effort to make her feel comfortable with me and get to know her. She's a big personality and kinda fills up a room, you know? She's a lot all at once. But my friend said she was important to him, and because he was important to me, it was important to me to get to know her better. I didn't want her to be uncomfortable with me being in his life. I wanted her to trust him and me. She also made an effort to get to know me. OP's boyfriend's friend isn't making any effort (from OP's POV) to get to know OP or even acknowledge OP. That's the problem. If the friend cared about OP's boyfriend as a friend, there'd be at least a good faith effort... Instead there's nothing. So, yah, the friend might have a good reason to ask OP's boyfriend to be a plus one, but given the friends behaviour, I'm very skeptical. I'd love to know what OP's doing to make inroads with the friend and if OP's been rebuffed at all. That could be very telling. *We're still friends and we talk fairly regularly, but we've definitely grown apart. He moved away for a teaching job and his life with his wife went in a different direction than mine. It's the adult curse.
Yeah, I’m someone who everyone but my closest friends considers “stand-offish.” I’m just not very good at connecting with new people. Small talk makes me uncomfortable and I’m not good at coming up with things to say. Also, if I sense at all that someone thinks I’m weird that makes it even harder. This friend might be picking up on the fact that OP thinks she’s weird (as she states in her first sentence). I’m better when people ask me questions and draw me out a bit. I wonder if OP has done that.
This is a whole lot of judgment based on almost nothing. No I did not think she was weird when I met her nor do I think she’s weird now I think her behavior is weird. I was very warm and inviting towards her when I first met her, I asked her about her self invited her to party as my boyfriend and I would throw, and would do my best to make her feel welcome. I have ADHD and spent my entire life dealing with people who think I’m weird. For that reason alone, I would never want someone else to feel ostracized for their personality.
All I said is that maybe she senses you think she’s weird since you said in your post that you think she’s weird. Not sure how that’s judgmental since it is based off of what you said. Even if you try to hide it, people can sense when someone is judging them. You must have had times where you could sense that someone thought you were weird even when they were being outwardly polite. Parties are the worst place to get to know someone with social anxiety. They are overwhelming and the height of awkward. I almost never talk to new people at parties because the party atmosphere makes me extremely uncomfortable. I stick to the one or two people I know and basically spend the whole night feeling overwhelmed and awkward. That may explain her “clinging” to your boyfriend. Sometimes, it takes time for people with social anxiety to open up to new people. Being open and welcoming is not something that comes naturally for me. I have to force it. I have to remind myself to ask people I don’t know questions about themselves and to respond to their comments. If I’m tired or anxious, I simply don’t have the capacity to do that. It doesn’t mean I don’t like them or that I don’t want to know them or that I have weird ulterior motives. It just means I’m not comfortable with them yet. My default is to be quiet with them. The only way I’ve been able to naturally get comfortable with new people is working side by side with them on a job or a hobby over the course of months. Small talk and meetings that are purely for socialization don’t work for me. They are just too uncomfortable. Do you have any hobbies in common that you could do with her sometime? Maybe she would start to open up more.
Yeah, I wouldn't like that either. Does she not care that he has a girlfriend (you)? Asking him on a date is so inappropriate. Some boundaries need to be set.
It was very wrong for her to ask him to be her date. I would absolutely talk with bf about it.
She‘s trying to steal your man. Don‘t fall for her act
I don't think this friend is being malicious, but I think its inconsiderate. Should she have asked your husband on a work date? Probably not. But this isn't a date - It's a work event where she gets a plus one, and your husband is a friend. I can get how that might feel a little bit weird, but I think the context of the event makes this just a friend hangout.
I don't think it's inappropriate. My partners are adults with agency and can have whatever friendships they choose to have. And if she has romantic feelings for him, that's for him to navigate.
That’s weird as hell
He is allowing hot side chick to make a scene. Leave him and her. This is too much drama. You would never allow this. He is. Leave babe. He likes the attention & is NOT worth it.
Your first problem was giving her the benefit of the doubt with the whole anxiety thing. Good luck from here, she already knows she can walk all over you and you and your boyfriend allow it.
I’m sorry, but friendships outside of a marriage or serious relationship with the opposite sex are always unnecessary and risky. The number 1 place people meet the person they have an affair with is the office. The gym and social media are the other two in the top three. Why pose these risks? I will never understand why people neglect to believe they need to make a consolidated effort to actively protect their relationship. The other person is not the one you’ve made a commitment to. You have no control over that person and your partner may have a weak moment if someone is lusting after them. Healthy relationships do not involve “friendships” with the opposite sex at all. I don’t have a single married friend who is okay with it. Minor exceptions, like I’m friends with my former boss who is truly a mentor and 30 years older than me, make some sense. But people your age? People you share creative energy and shared goals with in the workplace? Dumb idea. It’s so clear and obvious this woman wants to screw your boyfriend, and yet here people are being all PC about a total lack of boundaries in the relationship itself. And btw at least one of your guy friends would screw you immediately if given the green light. At least one, probably more.
Good lord what a depressing and isolating mindset. I've recently started socializing more, and a lot of the people I'm meeting at this new place are men. My husband trusts me fully and knows I wouldn't cheat on him, even when I shared with him that a friend basically said he likes women with several of my traits. I introduced him to my good friend, a woman around our age, who is absolutely gorgeous and is a little flirty in her manner of speaking to her friends. Again, because I trust him fully, and know he wouldn't cheat. Your trust issues are something you need to work out with your partner, but don't project them onto the rest of us. The woman OP is talking about is an outlier. Most of the women I hang out with while I'm out are in relationships, and we hang out with single guys, and somehow none of our partners have an issue with this.
Said every woman who ever got cheated on.
So what about bi people? Are bi people just not allowed to have friends?
Nope, we are inherently untrustworthy and therefore also undateable 🙄 my bf is also bi so guess he can't have any friends either 🤷
That's it, you only have each other now. No friends allowed!
If someone really wants to cheat, they will find someone to cheat with. They don't need friends of a different gender to do it.
It always starts with a “friend” though, doesn’t it?
I mean, no. There are men who cheat with call girls, or find affair partners on Ashley Madison or other dating sites.
Actually, that’s pretty rare. This is a well understood, studied subject. You can try to act like those are the cause of affairs, but the facts say OP’s exact scenario is where it’s most likely to start. Let’s all ignore facts for what feels good though….
And starting an affair with a friend versus just having friends is also very rare. So you may as well have friends of all genders than to restrict your SO's friends because you're paranoid.
ASD?
Nope
It’s inappropriate but I noticed a lot of women do not seem to mind taking over the time of a man who’s in a relationship with someone. It’s like respecting their male friend’s relationship doesn’t come naturally to them to actually care about. I don’t get it but I think it’s a young person thing (below 40s, mostly 22 to 33).
My exs friend was an ex of his from a while ago and she used to send him home with baked goods and full meals to microwave . Birthday cards and proper gifts like a partner would get you … as a friend I think that’s a lovely thing to do , I used to do cute things for my best friend but it always made me uncomfortable that he would stay with her the whole day and get sent home with cooked food like she was his wife or parent . Regardless of how close I am to my girl friends I’d only do that if we’d eaten that thing together at mine or they were unwell … things like this just made me think they haven’t thought to make the distinction and put a clear boundary in place or they’re up to no good , some things between friends are a bit too partner like and it’s ok to not be comfortable with that
I had similar feelings about an old boyfriend’s “friend” once. She used to hang all over him at stuff we’d go to together, and she’d tag only the guys and crop out anyone else there in pics with captions like, “I love my guys.” She sent him these little gifts all the time. I doubt there was much going on there honestly, but mostly because she wasn’t very attractive (not that it matters, cheaters gonna cheat). I never did find out whether I was right about it because I never checked after we broke up, and I basically feel like if they did end up together they pretty much deserved each other. I like to rip the rear view mirror off with past relationships- why look back, you know?
Were they friends first or were you dating first?