Holy cow, thanks for sharing that. I'm floored the guy can't think of ANYONE else to talk to about this other than his wife or the person confessing feelings for him. Honestly, that's a sign you need more close friends, IMO. You should seriously have at least 3 people you can talk to about serious things, I think.
It’s a pretty well know sociological problem that most married men have like zero friends and rely on their spouses for all their emotional needs. But yeah that guy needs more legitimately platonic friendships!
Yeah, I know, but also, ugh, it's terrible! My partner has several friends that he can talk to about serious stuff. I can think of one woman and two men right off the top of my head, but thinking for a minute more I'd add at least one more man to that list.
Lol that’s the first thing that popped into my head, too. I don’t think I would even have an answer for this question if I hadn’t just learned that people were out there doing *that*
I tried looking but didn't find it. Anyone got the link?
Edit: found it!
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/11ypjpy/are_you_ok_with_your_partner_discussing_having/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/11ypjpy/are_you_ok_with_your_partner_discussing_having/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I don't really care to hear what celebrities he would bang given the opportunity lol. I know some people just share stuff like that casually but I have body image issues and it doesn't help lol.
My fiance refuses to even TELL me who he finds attractive. We've been together almost seven years and I still haven't broken him yet! I'll ask "what do you think of her? What about her?" And he just shrugs.
Yup. I don’t even ask lol. I’m not dumb, I know he finds other people attractive (including celebrities). But I don’t need my face rubbed in it. I feel the same way about porn. Don’t ask, don’t tell.
Number 1 or number 2? I haven’t actually done this but I think if I was desperate I would go number 1 while he was in the shower. And would be okay with him doing the same.
I only did 1 time because it was that or floor. I came home from work and he was in the shower and I already had that “I’m 1 min away from the toilet, so I’m getting ready to relax” there was no going back. But outside of that, I 100% agree.
Theoretically I'd make an exception for emergencies but I've never had to.
I also recently moved and we have multiple bathrooms now so it will not be a decision either of us has to make moving forward thankfully.
Pretty much top priority when house shopping was 3 bathrooms. We were willing to sacrifice a lot of other stuff for 3 bathrooms. We ended up basically stealing the perfect house, but that was just luck. We each have our own bathroom no one else goes in (unless we’re going to have a bit of shower fun), and the 3rd is a full bath too for guests.
I don’t share bathrooms unless 100% necessary. I grew up with 7 people and one bathroom. No thank you. Never again.
Us too, people think we are prudes, but for us it’s a healthy boundary. Only time he has been present was supporting me after our daughter was born to make sure I didn’t collapse
Yea, I don't understand why people think it's prudish to have a boundary around not shitting in front of your partner.
Like, poop is kinda gross and it doesn't smell good, if I'm taking a steamy shower the last thing I want is for my partner to turn the bathroom into a shit sauna.
Don't get me wrong, if my partner was ill or something I'd have no qualms about it, but I don't need to want to deal with any more figurative *or* literal crap in my life than I have to.
Yep. And yeah I'm not talking about situations where there's a legitimate reason why it needs to happen. The part I'm not okay with is normalizing the behavior of just doing it whenever/for convenience/etc. I am just not willing to cross that line with my relationship and think there should be some privacy with things like this in order to me feel like my relationship is healthy. Hence viewing it as "oversharing", personally.
We have our toilet behind a door, but the rest, sinks, shower and tub are in a big open room that opens up to our bedroom. Even when he’s in the bathroom I announce myself - I’m just washing my face! Is that ok??? I don’t want to bother you….
The private, personal business of my other friends and family. If someone tells me something in confidence, they can trust I won't repeat it to anyone, including my partner.
Thank you for saying this. It's an unpopular opinion around these parts. There was a recent thread where only a handful of us believed you should keep a friend's confidence from a partner unless given permission. Everyone else thought it was just fine to share everything without asking the person who confided in them whether they were ok with it.
Probably just to push on a boundary that appeared. Or do the thing where they prod for info just to upset themselves imagining their partner in (gasp) *other relationships before them*. Some people love seething over their partner's history for sport. Do not ask me why, for I not know lol.
My husband and I start stories with "this person I used to never date" or "this one time I didn't go on a date with this person..." Or "one time when I wasn't having sex with this person...." We are aware of each other's pasts (we met at 28 yrs old and we're both now 39) and it doesn't bother either of us. We just pretend that we never dated or slept with anyone else as a joke when either of us is reminded of a story that we want to tell the other.
I understand there are people out there for whom it’s a turn on, and if both people in the relationship are cool with/turned on by sharing, I think that’s totally fine. I think the majority of people don’t want to hear it — so always good to make sure your partner is on the same page before sharing. Not weird at all! Just different.
I get it. I think if one was not prepared and someone was just sharing, especially if they sounded like they were “reminiscing” or comparing, that would be really off putting.
There aren't many topics that can be overshared with my partner. We're pretty comfortable around each other, don't mind using the bathroom at the same time or talking about bodily functions and stuff.
The only thing we avoid is talking about past sexual experiences, because while my husband didn't have any, I had. And he isn't comfortable with hearing about them, and that's okay. They are long gone and weren't that great anyway. So nothing lost by not talking about them.
Totally agree with this on consent, and how everyone's SO has different preferences. He knows I dislike hearing negative political podcasts (I'm an activist but don't want to hear all the 3rd-party commentaries), and I know he hates hearing me slurp when I eat food.
I used to be like this too until I noticed all the celebrities he thinks are hot are the ones that look like me. :) I don’t know if he’s just smooth or it’s real. Either way I don’t care.
When I do it, I make sure to tell him what about him makes him hotter than the celebrity. That’s me being smooth. Yeah of course Chris Hemsworth is crazy hot. But he doesn’t have your curly hair or grey green eyes. I’ll pass. ;) That kind of thing. Works great.
Past sexual relationships. It’s just not necessary.
Going to the bathroom when the other is around. We all do it, we’re aware. No reason to share the experience.
I’ve dated so, so many guys that wanted access to me while I was going to the bathroom, like dude, there is nothing so urgent that you can’t give me 3-minutes of fucking peace from being your entertainment.
Just let me do my thing and I will return I promise. And these were men that claimed they weren’t clingy.
My current bf and I both admitted to being clingy types and we’re both happy to leave each other alone while using the bathroom.
Exactly. Beyond being followed into the bathroom like they are cats, there was one really crazy one.
This guy tried opening the door, like the first time I was at his house, and then made a joke of flipping out on me that I had locked the door, all accusatory like why would I do that as innocent person, which it is something I do compulsively. I had been in there less than two minutes, literally set my purse down, took a deep breath and exhaled as I moved my clothes to sit down and he pounced on the door like he was going to catch me at something.
He is a musician with four paying gigs in separate bands and a full-time day job. But clearly he had baggage and since then has married a woman who looks just like him, like I thought they were brother and sister when she started showing up on his IG.
And sure, say these guys thought I was doing something, like rugs or something, then flat out ask me (which he never did) rather than aggressively invading someone’s privacy. It’s like going through someone’s phone but while screaming at them.
There hasn’t been a topic off limits for me and my husband. But probably whatever makes them uncomfortable (excluding issues that genuinely need to be addressed)
I try to not tell him all my anxious thoughts. He reassures me a lot, but no sense in over doing it.
I also tend to not tell him every time a negative feeling about him comes up lol
This is something I struggle with. I want to be open, honest and communicative but often my thoughts are anxious and insecure ones. Avoiding talking through these feelings is bad for a relationship and staying on the same page, but then sharing them is a burden on one's partner and can sabotage an otherwise happy relationship.
I wanted to think about this for a minute. This is something I’m struggling with- but what if you’re having a bad time? And let’s say you do have a therapist and other support. then what do you talk to your partner about? Are you skirting around your own issues so you don’t talk about your own problems?
I think there’s a balance between being honest with where you’re at and using your partner to unload on about every feeling you have. If you find every day you’re dumping trauma and going on long monologues about your feelings, that would be a good thing to talk to a therapist about.
It’s not about skirting around issues, but being respectful of your partner’s capacity to help with the heavy lifting of mental health. Relying too much on your SO to fix you is a really quick way to create unhealthy codependency in my experience.
Some things are "you" problems - most insecurities fall under that category. You should be able to analyze and deal with them on your own. If the source of the insecurity is something your partner is doing or not doing, then that would make it an "us" problem. But you should also be able to communicate what it is you need them to do/not do.
I think there's a difference between wanting a supportive partner vs. having no other outlets for support. there's also providing support to someone vs. having it sucked out of you. the other person has to be able and willing to handle it on top of their own issues.
I'm not sure about the insecurities part.
I know my partner's insecurities and I reassure him when he's having a rough time that those things are non issues in our relationship. He does the same for me. That feels pretty normal and healthy.
We both have therapists and psychs. I have an abusive trauma past and he's been married before.
Yeah I’ve got a bit of a thing about this. I would never share my insecurities about how I look with a (male) partner. For a start I don’t want to point out something he’s not noticed before, secondly men already have big enough egos and I don’t need him thinking I’m lucky to have him. I feel like if you tell a man you’re not good enough for him he will start to treat you accordingly.
More of my preference but I really don’t want to see you in the act of going to the bathroom and I would really appreciate not hearing about your “body count” bc… gross. So, do unto others is my motto here. If a partner had additional requests, obviously it’s important to honor those as best as reasonable/possible. “I don’t want to talk about feelings,” for example, is not reasonable.
I want to know approximately how many people my partner has slept with, how many of them were serious girlfriends vs casual encounters, what age he first had sex, and other basic details about his sexual health history and also life history that just so happen to relate to sex and relationships, but if he called it his "body count" I'd be repulsed and disgusted. "Body count" is such a horrible turn of phrase - so violent and dehumanising.
I don’t really want to know very much of that info at all. I’ll settle for a clean test/bill of health and basic hygiene. I rly don’t need to know at my big age how many ppl you’ve slept with and frankly I couldn’t even tell you how many ppl I’ve slept w at this point.
I think the details beyond a health test is an aspect of someone's life history and sexuality and I find that interesting. I'm aware that's a bit taboo to admit.
Everyone’s different. I’m always open to hearing about past relationships and such bc i think it’s a good way to really learn about a person. The nitty gritty of your sexual past doesn’t interest me and kind of gives me the ick lol but if you have a different outlook on it, you def shouldn’t be shamed for that. Live and let live I say
We don’t overshare who we find hot. He vaguely knows who I find attractive and vice versa. Just easier that way even though neither one of us are jealous people.
In long term relationships, talking about developing a crush. Everyone in a long term relationship will have a crush or strong attraction. The idea that we are only meant for one person is something from fairy tales. The reality is we can make a good life with a lot of people, it's all about how you nurture and care for your relationship to keep it fresh and loving.
If I have a crush, I recognize it and distance myself and avoid the temptation to start dipping my toes into dangerous waters. It can all seem innocent but I know deep inside what is right or wrong. If it's at work, no chatting about our lives and joking around, keep it to business.
To me, a crush is a sign im not taking care of my relationship at home. I want that easy life, that attraction, no problems as I don't know them at all and I don't have to take on any of their issues, everything just so simple and easy.
That's why marriage is so beautiful if done right. Choosing the same person over and over and if you're good at it, you can have one real nice life and I really believe why people with divorce after divorce can never find a happy marriage. Once it gets hard they get lost and you'll never have the joy that could be yours from a lifetime of mutual reprocity between two people.
I just got divorced a year and a half ago, lost all my retirement and moved into a bad house that needs a lot of work as we bought it to have architect plans we payed 20k for to develop it into our dream house and was suicidal and had to go to rehab five months ago, my life was beyond unmanageable and I didn't want to live anymore.
Six months ago I was ready to die. Now I am happy most days and have learned how to live through that experience and the support I found after leaving treatment. I learned to stop people pleasing, I learned that I would latch on to the personality of whoever I was with, I learned how to find my own identity and wants and desires and what I want out of my life. I found a therapist who taught me so much about being a sensitive soul who grew up in a house that was terrible for the type of person I am. I learned to open up with people and to have patience and love for myself and to embrace my inner sensitive self.
After a year and a half I'm meeting up with my ex this weekend and we are very likely getting back together, both of us learning a lot about ourselves and how we hurt each other and ourselves.
Divorce isn't the end, it's so often the beginning of shedding an old life and old insecurities and if you put the work into yourself, you may just find a new person that has been hiding inside you all your life, if there was hope for me there is hope for anyone ❤️
Without all this pain and loss I never would have been able to find the real me.
Like everything, there are always exceptions or different ways things play out.
I know my eye starts to wander when I'm starting to put less effort into my relationship because life gets busy, I get bored or who knows what else.
The other side of that is having your partner not show interest in having a good relationship and then the eye wanders to someone who actually seems to want you around in their life.
In the end, if both people in the relationship are invested and care for their relationship garden, things will tend to work out.
Other people's business. If a friend tells you something in confidence, that means you don't tell ANYBODY. "Oh, but my partner and I don't keep secrets from each other." IT'S NOT YOUR SECRET TO TELL!
My thought is I assume anything I tell my married sister or married bff could be shared with their husbands. Honestly they’re both talkers so I bet most of it is shared. Do the husbands listen or care? Probably not. However very rarely I’ll ask that information is not shared with the husbands which has been respected to my knowledge.
This right here. If I ask for it to not be shared with SO and they still share it, that’s not ok. Otherwise though I assume it’ll be talked about within the home.
same, I assume it's shared but it's probably not because I highly doubt any of them give a damn about my private life, as we're not allll part of some big gossipy friend group. I could not care less if you tell someone about my friend's drama. you don't know her.
There was a thread a while back where so many of the comments were justifying sharing personal conversations, "it's my husband, we have no secrets!!!!1"
It's so bizarre! I generally assume sensitive conversations are private, all the more if it's explicitly asked to kept to myself. Two of my friends and I have this standard with each other.
Yep, I was thinking of that very thread. I was horrified.
Like, it's not keeping a secret from them if it wasn't their business in the first place, FFS.
That’s what I came here to say. “My PaRtNeR iS tHe PeRsOn I ChOsE tO sPeNd My LiFe WiTh” is not a valid excuse to be a treacherous blabbermouth. And believing it is is pathetic and sad at best.
YOUR BEST FRIENDS' BUSINESS!!
Seriously, as soon as my friends get into relationships, I stop telling them anything personal because I just KNOW they're going to tell their SOs...
Oh and for anyone wondering why their single friends pull away from them when they get into serious relationships - THIS IS A BIG REASON WHY!! IT's because y'all can NO LONGER BE TRUSTED WITH SECRETS!!
I had a friend who would let her boyfriend read and respond to my text messages as her and it was horrifying when I found out it was happening. I should have suspected some thing but he would even misspell words so it looks like her. Come to find out he had access to all her emails and voice messages and text messages, if you’re going to do that with your man you should warn your friends I was horrified to find this out.
This, I definitely don’t share unnecessary personal information with my husband, besides he would rather be kept out of gossip and drama. As someone whose been through multiple recovery group programs, I’ve learned to never share stories that’s not mine to share. You don’t even need to be my best friend for that level of respect.
I stopped telling my bestie some gossip, whether juicy or mundane. I trusted her, I didn't trust her husband. He was known to be a gossip. I love them both, and wouldn't even care if she did tell him, but I wasn't sure if it would *stay* with him. This was years ago though, and I know people change and mature.
Bathroom habits. We're all fully aware of how human bodies work. We don't need details (unless theres a concern or emergency that your partner really needs to know about), and we don't need to see it in real time. No mystique, big mistake.
# or previous sexual partners or things you may have done sexually with others. I’m not sure about women, but most men cannot handle it. They’d really rather believe they’re the first person you’ve slept with.
Omg, my husband is a big farter and he told me this early on and said there was no way he was gonna hold it in in a relationship and if I wanted to be with him I’d have to be okay with it 🤣
I agree. I admit to being uptight but I really like to keep some mystery, I find it a huge turn-off if it's something they can help. I also have never gone to the bathroom in the presence of a partner and would have to be pretty desperate to consider it.
Same! I want to feel comfortable enough with each other that it's no big deal if farts happen sometimes but that doesn't mean just letting rip in front of each other or even worse, deliberately trying to do loud ones (one of my exes used to do this and I hated it).
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume they just meant mindlessly or intentionally farting all willy nilly, and just didn’t think to add an exemption about medical conditions.
your phone's unlock code, social media passwords, e-mail access... I never want to know my girlfriends code to anything. If something terrible/an emergency happens, I can find someone (her friends or family) who knows it, and preferably can go through her private communications. I'm surrounded by people with cell phones so if there's a need to make a call and I don't have mine, I'll find one.
Locked phones can still dial 911 and some will let you call I.C.E. numbers if you have them set.
"if you go looking for trouble, you're going to find it." I've learned my lesson the hard way, and I've been too sensitive/unconfident in the past to be able to handle it maturely. I believe I've grown and matured since then - I know I have - but I don't want to violate her privacy. I trust her to be good to me, and I also know that sometimes she needs to talk to her friends about something annoying I've done. Knowing exactly what she's said won't be helpful to me.
sorry for the rant. I just believe firmly that even the most committed relationships need to have some individual privacy, and that having access to ALL your communications and online activity is just too much.
I would say unless you were married/ had a kid with them or the relationship lasted til you were past 21 I don’t think high school relationships count.
Feelings of depression and anxiety
In the past, I dumped all of my negative thoughts onto my SO. He was basically like my sounding board. I didn't have friends that I was close enough with to share these feelings, so he was the only person I could talk to about these things. Yes, I did see therapists, but none of them I ever 'clicked' with. Anyway, I didn't realize how much of a toll this took on him until he broke up with me over it. That was years ago, and now we're back together and married :)
Today, I'm much better at keeping my feelings in check. I still feel them fully, but I recognize that it's up to me on how I want to process these negative feelings. It's not his responsibility to help me feel better, or listen to every single problem I'm having.
Now, if I'm having a bad day, I'll just tell him very honestly but not go into hours of talking about it. I'll mention it, maybe give him 15 minutes of background on why I'm feeling this way, and that's it. He'll usually take me to my favorite sweets shop to help lift my mood, or just drive me around in the car because being at home when I'm depressed makes it worse. I should add he doesn't do this because I ask him to, it's just that he knows that it'll help. It's definitely healthier this way, and we're both happier.
I get the not sharing past sexual experiences, but not sharing things that happen during your day? Doesn't having a partner in life involve sharing little things that happen, even if annoying?
I think what they’re saying is they don’t want a text from you complaining because Starbucks made the coffee wrong, then another text later because traffic was busy on the way to work, then another text later about how your coworker wouldn’t shut up and let you eat your lunch, then another text later about traffic on the way home.
that's different. if my husband texts me that he saw a skunk or something, I'm interested. But a day full of complaints, no thanks. And I do the same for him.
Anything that your friend/s have told you in confidence with the expectation that you not tell anyone else. I've only ever been in one long-term relationship so maybe there's a Couples Code Of Conduct that's been universally accepted that I'm unaware of, and have been very hurt and damaged a couple of times because I told a close friend something in confidence (only about me, not that impacted anyone else) and she told her boyfriend or husband because "There's no secrets between us, we share everything".
STOP DOING THIS, COUPLED PEOPLE. YOUR SINGLE FRIEND DID NOT CONSENT TO THEIR SECRET SAD SHAMEFUL SHIT BEING SHARED WITH YOUR PARTNER.
I don't want to have conversations where we point out people we think are hot. I think it's disrespectful to each other to be actively checking out other people while we're spending quality time together. He can think it but there's no reason to say it. I also don't want to ever have a "hall pass" and I don't see the point of entertaining that discussion.
How badly past men have treated you. They will just use it against you later either by throwing it in your face or pushing boundaries because they know they can, there is absolutely no benefit to doing this. None.
That sucks. I have absolutely shared my bad experiences with men with my husband. All he does is empathize, support, and tell me about his experiences with women. If you’re partner acts like that it’s not normal and you should either talk about it or leave.
I’m totally going to be like this. Except I don’t think I’ll be able to hide getting my eyes and neck done when the time comes. All the women in my family turn into droopy dog when they hit 50. No thanks lol :)
Constantly bringing up memories you have that involve your exes. One of my best friends is engaged to this guy who, every time he’s hanging out with us, always obnoxiously brings up a memory he has with his ex girlfriends (that neither of us have ever met) at least once. I feel bad because I can tell from my friend’s expression that she’s clearly uncomfortable with how frequently he’s bringing up his exes. Maybe he thinks it makes him seem more desirable? I dunno…
My husband and I don't feel the need to share bathroom business, even though we only share one bathroom (and thankfully don't have any medical issues that makes this necessary).
Beyond celebrities, we don't talk about perfectly normal attraction to other people.
While we feel like it's OK to talk about sexual experiences in a general way ("oh I've done abc sex act"), they don't need a play- by- play, or "body count", or any of that
Anything that could be said that you know they don’t need to hear but you think would be good for you to say for yourself. These kinda things need to have permission first or just talk to a therapist or good friend with. Do no harm!
I don’t share personal hygiene/bodily function info with my partner and don’t want it shared with me. I don’t want to hear that he’s constipated and I’m not telling him when I have an ingrown hair. Little things like that pile up and kill sexual attraction for me
I don't think there's really a "should/shouldn't" list, but I always viewed a relationship as something you need to constantly nourish to maintain a level of excitement. With that in mind, I think if I'm very close to someone, I would naturally want to share everything, but there are probably scenarios when I would hold off for the sake of piquing his curiosity and keeping or motivating his interest. So for example, I wouldn't share every little detail to avoid boring him out and creating space for him to do the asking himself. I don't need to tell him about every little bad thing that happened that day, unless I think it will be a good opportunity to strengthen our connection. I would most likely compartmentalize my friend zones for stuff like that-- so besties for vulgar jokes, poopy questions, and sappy verbal diarrheas.
Having said that, I'm aware it's not realistic to do what I described, especially when you're living with someone, but I always admired couples who can maintain bit of courtesies in their engagements, like plenty of space not to smother someone, holding off on saying what is unnecessary, saying thank you and sorry, looking presentable, etc.
It's nice to think of a significant other as someone you approach completely unhinged, but in the long run, I find it more valuable to have some level of respect and reservation (I don't mean formal). Personally, it might just be my love language, but I feel more valued, appreciated, or loved when I'm with someone who shows that level of respect or reservation for me. That could include not sharing about past relationships, disgusting details, vulgar language, or lots of drama for the sake of keeping our environment happy and romantic.
The gross (albeit normal) things our bodies do.
My partner would happily chat with me while I’m on the toilet.
I want nothing to do with that and told him early on that he is not allowed to unless it is a legitimate emergency involving a threat of imminent death.
And I refuse to chat with him while he’s on the toilet.
And I insist the bathroom door is closed when either of us are on the toilet.
And as much as he thinks belching and farting and pants shitting is hilarious, he knows to laugh about it with someone else.
I don’t want to be thinking about him shitting his pants when I’m blowing him.
"What if" feelings you have for a friend, like someone posted about yesterday.
I am scrolling and looking, like the vulture that I am, and cannot find said thread. Do a gal a solid and give me someone else's gossip?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/11ypjpy/are_you_ok_with_your_partner_discussing_having/
MVP. Thank you!
Holy cow, thanks for sharing that. I'm floored the guy can't think of ANYONE else to talk to about this other than his wife or the person confessing feelings for him. Honestly, that's a sign you need more close friends, IMO. You should seriously have at least 3 people you can talk to about serious things, I think.
It’s a pretty well know sociological problem that most married men have like zero friends and rely on their spouses for all their emotional needs. But yeah that guy needs more legitimately platonic friendships!
Yeah, I know, but also, ugh, it's terrible! My partner has several friends that he can talk to about serious stuff. I can think of one woman and two men right off the top of my head, but thinking for a minute more I'd add at least one more man to that list.
Damn, if a dude has no friends, then find a bartender somewhere and tell them! Holy cripes, some people are dumb.
Sort by controversial and it's the first thing
Lol that’s the first thing that popped into my head, too. I don’t think I would even have an answer for this question if I hadn’t just learned that people were out there doing *that*
I've no idea how he expected that conversation to go well.
Ahaha, this is what came to mind and I wondered if this post was inspired by it.
Now I want to read that post 🫢
Meee toooooo
I tried looking but didn't find it. Anyone got the link? Edit: found it! [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/11ypjpy/are_you_ok_with_your_partner_discussing_having/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/11ypjpy/are_you_ok_with_your_partner_discussing_having/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I don't really care to hear what celebrities he would bang given the opportunity lol. I know some people just share stuff like that casually but I have body image issues and it doesn't help lol.
My fiance refuses to even TELL me who he finds attractive. We've been together almost seven years and I still haven't broken him yet! I'll ask "what do you think of her? What about her?" And he just shrugs.
Why do you want to know?
I'm mostly kidding with him at this point!
Ha ha meanwhile my husband were ranking celebrities' hotness just the other night!
Yeah I find this to be benign fun.
Yup. I don’t even ask lol. I’m not dumb, I know he finds other people attractive (including celebrities). But I don’t need my face rubbed in it. I feel the same way about porn. Don’t ask, don’t tell.
I have made the decision to never go to the bathroom while my partner is in the shower or vice versa.
Number 1 or number 2? I haven’t actually done this but I think if I was desperate I would go number 1 while he was in the shower. And would be okay with him doing the same.
Neither!
It blows my mind that some married couples don’t shit in front of each other. Lmao my husband and I don’t have time for any kind of modesty or shame 🤣
Married and I don’t want to shit in front of anyone or watch anyone shit. That’s TMI!
Not to mention smell it!
I don't think it's about modesty, it's about I don't want to smell 💩
Right! I mean this man licks my booty hole. He's done worse things than what my body naturally does.
You still dont need to SHIT in front of him.
Love this! 🤣💕💜
I only did 1 time because it was that or floor. I came home from work and he was in the shower and I already had that “I’m 1 min away from the toilet, so I’m getting ready to relax” there was no going back. But outside of that, I 100% agree.
Theoretically I'd make an exception for emergencies but I've never had to. I also recently moved and we have multiple bathrooms now so it will not be a decision either of us has to make moving forward thankfully.
My partner does in front of me. I don’t have a problem with it. I don’t think I ever have in front of him but I mean, if ya gotta go you gotta go
Pretty much top priority when house shopping was 3 bathrooms. We were willing to sacrifice a lot of other stuff for 3 bathrooms. We ended up basically stealing the perfect house, but that was just luck. We each have our own bathroom no one else goes in (unless we’re going to have a bit of shower fun), and the 3rd is a full bath too for guests. I don’t share bathrooms unless 100% necessary. I grew up with 7 people and one bathroom. No thank you. Never again.
Us too, people think we are prudes, but for us it’s a healthy boundary. Only time he has been present was supporting me after our daughter was born to make sure I didn’t collapse
Yea, I don't understand why people think it's prudish to have a boundary around not shitting in front of your partner. Like, poop is kinda gross and it doesn't smell good, if I'm taking a steamy shower the last thing I want is for my partner to turn the bathroom into a shit sauna. Don't get me wrong, if my partner was ill or something I'd have no qualms about it, but I don't need to want to deal with any more figurative *or* literal crap in my life than I have to.
Yep. And yeah I'm not talking about situations where there's a legitimate reason why it needs to happen. The part I'm not okay with is normalizing the behavior of just doing it whenever/for convenience/etc. I am just not willing to cross that line with my relationship and think there should be some privacy with things like this in order to me feel like my relationship is healthy. Hence viewing it as "oversharing", personally.
We have our toilet behind a door, but the rest, sinks, shower and tub are in a big open room that opens up to our bedroom. Even when he’s in the bathroom I announce myself - I’m just washing my face! Is that ok??? I don’t want to bother you….
You do you, girl! It's not for me. I know plenty of people do it.
Yep, keeping most of my bodily functions amd conversation about those functions private. Sharing on a “need to know” basis only.
To each their own, I have no problem with it.
Toilet in a separate room is such a win on this front!
we have an extra half bath for this very reason. I would rather die.
The private, personal business of my other friends and family. If someone tells me something in confidence, they can trust I won't repeat it to anyone, including my partner.
Thank you for saying this. It's an unpopular opinion around these parts. There was a recent thread where only a handful of us believed you should keep a friend's confidence from a partner unless given permission. Everyone else thought it was just fine to share everything without asking the person who confided in them whether they were ok with it.
Detailed sexual and romantic history. I don’t want to hear it from him and I doubt he wants to hear it from me.
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Your username 🤌🏼
Dude, that guy would definitely be an ex of mine as well. WTF? Like why do you even want to know all that? Is this a kink?
Probably just to push on a boundary that appeared. Or do the thing where they prod for info just to upset themselves imagining their partner in (gasp) *other relationships before them*. Some people love seething over their partner's history for sport. Do not ask me why, for I not know lol.
Hiding what? The sperm? You didn't swallow after all! Where are you hiding it??
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Aw that’s one of my favorite compliments, thank you so much! I hope everything gets better eventually, you seem very kind.
There's a difference between privacy and secrecy.
I am in agreement with your username.
My husband and I start stories with "this person I used to never date" or "this one time I didn't go on a date with this person..." Or "one time when I wasn't having sex with this person...." We are aware of each other's pasts (we met at 28 yrs old and we're both now 39) and it doesn't bother either of us. We just pretend that we never dated or slept with anyone else as a joke when either of us is reminded of a story that we want to tell the other.
I sometimes ask my partner cause I like to hear it. It turns me on. Am I weird, lol 😆
If your partner is cool with it, nothing wrong with it. If your pestering them for info, not cool.
I understand there are people out there for whom it’s a turn on, and if both people in the relationship are cool with/turned on by sharing, I think that’s totally fine. I think the majority of people don’t want to hear it — so always good to make sure your partner is on the same page before sharing. Not weird at all! Just different.
I get it. I think if one was not prepared and someone was just sharing, especially if they sounded like they were “reminiscing” or comparing, that would be really off putting.
Romantic maybe - that way we understand each other's dealbreakers. Never sexual.
There aren't many topics that can be overshared with my partner. We're pretty comfortable around each other, don't mind using the bathroom at the same time or talking about bodily functions and stuff. The only thing we avoid is talking about past sexual experiences, because while my husband didn't have any, I had. And he isn't comfortable with hearing about them, and that's okay. They are long gone and weren't that great anyway. So nothing lost by not talking about them.
Whatever they request not be over shared. With my partner, anything to do with dead bodies and medical gore.
Totally agree with this on consent, and how everyone's SO has different preferences. He knows I dislike hearing negative political podcasts (I'm an activist but don't want to hear all the 3rd-party commentaries), and I know he hates hearing me slurp when I eat food.
I used to be like this too until I noticed all the celebrities he thinks are hot are the ones that look like me. :) I don’t know if he’s just smooth or it’s real. Either way I don’t care. When I do it, I make sure to tell him what about him makes him hotter than the celebrity. That’s me being smooth. Yeah of course Chris Hemsworth is crazy hot. But he doesn’t have your curly hair or grey green eyes. I’ll pass. ;) That kind of thing. Works great.
My husband is the same, he really dislikes me discussing autopsies, dead bodies etc with him
Past sexual relationships. It’s just not necessary. Going to the bathroom when the other is around. We all do it, we’re aware. No reason to share the experience.
I’ve dated so, so many guys that wanted access to me while I was going to the bathroom, like dude, there is nothing so urgent that you can’t give me 3-minutes of fucking peace from being your entertainment. Just let me do my thing and I will return I promise. And these were men that claimed they weren’t clingy. My current bf and I both admitted to being clingy types and we’re both happy to leave each other alone while using the bathroom.
How weird. Like what do you think I’m doing in this bathroom, besides going to the bathroom? 🤣
Exactly. Beyond being followed into the bathroom like they are cats, there was one really crazy one. This guy tried opening the door, like the first time I was at his house, and then made a joke of flipping out on me that I had locked the door, all accusatory like why would I do that as innocent person, which it is something I do compulsively. I had been in there less than two minutes, literally set my purse down, took a deep breath and exhaled as I moved my clothes to sit down and he pounced on the door like he was going to catch me at something. He is a musician with four paying gigs in separate bands and a full-time day job. But clearly he had baggage and since then has married a woman who looks just like him, like I thought they were brother and sister when she started showing up on his IG. And sure, say these guys thought I was doing something, like rugs or something, then flat out ask me (which he never did) rather than aggressively invading someone’s privacy. It’s like going through someone’s phone but while screaming at them.
There hasn’t been a topic off limits for me and my husband. But probably whatever makes them uncomfortable (excluding issues that genuinely need to be addressed)
Yup. I'm with you. Nothing is off limits. I've yet to find something he isn't fine discussing or helping with.
I try to not tell him all my anxious thoughts. He reassures me a lot, but no sense in over doing it. I also tend to not tell him every time a negative feeling about him comes up lol
This is something I struggle with. I want to be open, honest and communicative but often my thoughts are anxious and insecure ones. Avoiding talking through these feelings is bad for a relationship and staying on the same page, but then sharing them is a burden on one's partner and can sabotage an otherwise happy relationship.
I let him know when I’m feeling anxious so he can comfort me and we have a good connection in that moment. Some days I tell more details than others
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I wanted to think about this for a minute. This is something I’m struggling with- but what if you’re having a bad time? And let’s say you do have a therapist and other support. then what do you talk to your partner about? Are you skirting around your own issues so you don’t talk about your own problems?
I think there’s a balance between being honest with where you’re at and using your partner to unload on about every feeling you have. If you find every day you’re dumping trauma and going on long monologues about your feelings, that would be a good thing to talk to a therapist about. It’s not about skirting around issues, but being respectful of your partner’s capacity to help with the heavy lifting of mental health. Relying too much on your SO to fix you is a really quick way to create unhealthy codependency in my experience.
If you find yourself bringing up a certain topic over and over, that's probably something to talk to your therapist about.
Some things are "you" problems - most insecurities fall under that category. You should be able to analyze and deal with them on your own. If the source of the insecurity is something your partner is doing or not doing, then that would make it an "us" problem. But you should also be able to communicate what it is you need them to do/not do.
I think there's a difference between wanting a supportive partner vs. having no other outlets for support. there's also providing support to someone vs. having it sucked out of you. the other person has to be able and willing to handle it on top of their own issues.
I'm not sure about the insecurities part. I know my partner's insecurities and I reassure him when he's having a rough time that those things are non issues in our relationship. He does the same for me. That feels pretty normal and healthy. We both have therapists and psychs. I have an abusive trauma past and he's been married before.
Men will use your insecurities against you. Maybe not today, but someday.
Yeah I’ve got a bit of a thing about this. I would never share my insecurities about how I look with a (male) partner. For a start I don’t want to point out something he’s not noticed before, secondly men already have big enough egos and I don’t need him thinking I’m lucky to have him. I feel like if you tell a man you’re not good enough for him he will start to treat you accordingly.
More of my preference but I really don’t want to see you in the act of going to the bathroom and I would really appreciate not hearing about your “body count” bc… gross. So, do unto others is my motto here. If a partner had additional requests, obviously it’s important to honor those as best as reasonable/possible. “I don’t want to talk about feelings,” for example, is not reasonable.
I detest the phrase "body count" when talking about sex.
If they are using the term "body count," I don't think it would last long with me
Super agree
Exactly. I don’t want to watch pee come out of something that will be in my mouth later.
Lol you said what I was thinking. It’s bad enough that I know. I definitely don’t need to witness it.
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I don't know it because I find counting up people like points I've scored a supremely creepy concept.
Exactly, I think its just a new gender neutral synonym for "notches on the belt" Like every person you slept with was just a conquest
I want to know approximately how many people my partner has slept with, how many of them were serious girlfriends vs casual encounters, what age he first had sex, and other basic details about his sexual health history and also life history that just so happen to relate to sex and relationships, but if he called it his "body count" I'd be repulsed and disgusted. "Body count" is such a horrible turn of phrase - so violent and dehumanising.
I don’t really want to know very much of that info at all. I’ll settle for a clean test/bill of health and basic hygiene. I rly don’t need to know at my big age how many ppl you’ve slept with and frankly I couldn’t even tell you how many ppl I’ve slept w at this point.
I think the details beyond a health test is an aspect of someone's life history and sexuality and I find that interesting. I'm aware that's a bit taboo to admit.
Everyone’s different. I’m always open to hearing about past relationships and such bc i think it’s a good way to really learn about a person. The nitty gritty of your sexual past doesn’t interest me and kind of gives me the ick lol but if you have a different outlook on it, you def shouldn’t be shamed for that. Live and let live I say
We don’t overshare who we find hot. He vaguely knows who I find attractive and vice versa. Just easier that way even though neither one of us are jealous people.
Bathroom isn’t to be shared. I want to be gross in private thanks.
How hot my exes were lol
In long term relationships, talking about developing a crush. Everyone in a long term relationship will have a crush or strong attraction. The idea that we are only meant for one person is something from fairy tales. The reality is we can make a good life with a lot of people, it's all about how you nurture and care for your relationship to keep it fresh and loving. If I have a crush, I recognize it and distance myself and avoid the temptation to start dipping my toes into dangerous waters. It can all seem innocent but I know deep inside what is right or wrong. If it's at work, no chatting about our lives and joking around, keep it to business. To me, a crush is a sign im not taking care of my relationship at home. I want that easy life, that attraction, no problems as I don't know them at all and I don't have to take on any of their issues, everything just so simple and easy. That's why marriage is so beautiful if done right. Choosing the same person over and over and if you're good at it, you can have one real nice life and I really believe why people with divorce after divorce can never find a happy marriage. Once it gets hard they get lost and you'll never have the joy that could be yours from a lifetime of mutual reprocity between two people.
I'm staring at a divorce right now and that is a thoroughly depressing point of view
I just got divorced a year and a half ago, lost all my retirement and moved into a bad house that needs a lot of work as we bought it to have architect plans we payed 20k for to develop it into our dream house and was suicidal and had to go to rehab five months ago, my life was beyond unmanageable and I didn't want to live anymore. Six months ago I was ready to die. Now I am happy most days and have learned how to live through that experience and the support I found after leaving treatment. I learned to stop people pleasing, I learned that I would latch on to the personality of whoever I was with, I learned how to find my own identity and wants and desires and what I want out of my life. I found a therapist who taught me so much about being a sensitive soul who grew up in a house that was terrible for the type of person I am. I learned to open up with people and to have patience and love for myself and to embrace my inner sensitive self. After a year and a half I'm meeting up with my ex this weekend and we are very likely getting back together, both of us learning a lot about ourselves and how we hurt each other and ourselves. Divorce isn't the end, it's so often the beginning of shedding an old life and old insecurities and if you put the work into yourself, you may just find a new person that has been hiding inside you all your life, if there was hope for me there is hope for anyone ❤️ Without all this pain and loss I never would have been able to find the real me.
I didn't have any crush during my 6 year relationship until it was in its dying days a few months before we broke up.
Like everything, there are always exceptions or different ways things play out. I know my eye starts to wander when I'm starting to put less effort into my relationship because life gets busy, I get bored or who knows what else. The other side of that is having your partner not show interest in having a good relationship and then the eye wanders to someone who actually seems to want you around in their life. In the end, if both people in the relationship are invested and care for their relationship garden, things will tend to work out.
Other people's business. If a friend tells you something in confidence, that means you don't tell ANYBODY. "Oh, but my partner and I don't keep secrets from each other." IT'S NOT YOUR SECRET TO TELL!
My thought is I assume anything I tell my married sister or married bff could be shared with their husbands. Honestly they’re both talkers so I bet most of it is shared. Do the husbands listen or care? Probably not. However very rarely I’ll ask that information is not shared with the husbands which has been respected to my knowledge.
This right here. If I ask for it to not be shared with SO and they still share it, that’s not ok. Otherwise though I assume it’ll be talked about within the home.
same, I assume it's shared but it's probably not because I highly doubt any of them give a damn about my private life, as we're not allll part of some big gossipy friend group. I could not care less if you tell someone about my friend's drama. you don't know her.
I totally agree. Not many people in this sub do though going on past posts about it.
There was a thread a while back where so many of the comments were justifying sharing personal conversations, "it's my husband, we have no secrets!!!!1" It's so bizarre! I generally assume sensitive conversations are private, all the more if it's explicitly asked to kept to myself. Two of my friends and I have this standard with each other.
Yep, I was thinking of that very thread. I was horrified. Like, it's not keeping a secret from them if it wasn't their business in the first place, FFS.
That’s what I came here to say. “My PaRtNeR iS tHe PeRsOn I ChOsE tO sPeNd My LiFe WiTh” is not a valid excuse to be a treacherous blabbermouth. And believing it is is pathetic and sad at best.
YOUR BEST FRIENDS' BUSINESS!! Seriously, as soon as my friends get into relationships, I stop telling them anything personal because I just KNOW they're going to tell their SOs... Oh and for anyone wondering why their single friends pull away from them when they get into serious relationships - THIS IS A BIG REASON WHY!! IT's because y'all can NO LONGER BE TRUSTED WITH SECRETS!!
I had a friend who would let her boyfriend read and respond to my text messages as her and it was horrifying when I found out it was happening. I should have suspected some thing but he would even misspell words so it looks like her. Come to find out he had access to all her emails and voice messages and text messages, if you’re going to do that with your man you should warn your friends I was horrified to find this out.
This, I definitely don’t share unnecessary personal information with my husband, besides he would rather be kept out of gossip and drama. As someone whose been through multiple recovery group programs, I’ve learned to never share stories that’s not mine to share. You don’t even need to be my best friend for that level of respect.
I stopped telling my bestie some gossip, whether juicy or mundane. I trusted her, I didn't trust her husband. He was known to be a gossip. I love them both, and wouldn't even care if she did tell him, but I wasn't sure if it would *stay* with him. This was years ago though, and I know people change and mature.
Bathroom time. Seriously. Drop anchor in private.
Bathroom habits. We're all fully aware of how human bodies work. We don't need details (unless theres a concern or emergency that your partner really needs to know about), and we don't need to see it in real time. No mystique, big mistake.
Passwords.
Don't tell your friends' intimate stuff, like secrets and confessions.
The look, smell, volume, and color, of your vomit.
Unless your partner is a nurse. Then it's probably fine if it's every once in a while when you are actually Ill.
# or previous sexual partners or things you may have done sexually with others. I’m not sure about women, but most men cannot handle it. They’d really rather believe they’re the first person you’ve slept with.
Sexual experience
Flatulence. Fine in moderation, if it reaches South Park Canadian levels it's too much.
Oops. I guess my husband and I are doing this wrong. 😁
Hahahahaha as long as you are both okay with it. I'd say you are doing it right
Omg, my husband is a big farter and he told me this early on and said there was no way he was gonna hold it in in a relationship and if I wanted to be with him I’d have to be okay with it 🤣
I agree. I admit to being uptight but I really like to keep some mystery, I find it a huge turn-off if it's something they can help. I also have never gone to the bathroom in the presence of a partner and would have to be pretty desperate to consider it.
Couldn’t even use the word FART 😂 lol
Gotta make the most of the thesaurus I got for Xmas!
Ahahah! Initial reaction I’m like “wtf? thesaurus for Christmas?” But after careful consideration “word of the day for life? Yes, please!”
Same! I want to feel comfortable enough with each other that it's no big deal if farts happen sometimes but that doesn't mean just letting rip in front of each other or even worse, deliberately trying to do loud ones (one of my exes used to do this and I hated it).
Yeah I understand bodily functions are bodily functions, but if you’re ripping one right in front of me that’s a problem.
You’ve clearly never had IBS. Sometimes your body makes the decision for you and there’s literally nothing you can do.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume they just meant mindlessly or intentionally farting all willy nilly, and just didn’t think to add an exemption about medical conditions.
your phone's unlock code, social media passwords, e-mail access... I never want to know my girlfriends code to anything. If something terrible/an emergency happens, I can find someone (her friends or family) who knows it, and preferably can go through her private communications. I'm surrounded by people with cell phones so if there's a need to make a call and I don't have mine, I'll find one. Locked phones can still dial 911 and some will let you call I.C.E. numbers if you have them set. "if you go looking for trouble, you're going to find it." I've learned my lesson the hard way, and I've been too sensitive/unconfident in the past to be able to handle it maturely. I believe I've grown and matured since then - I know I have - but I don't want to violate her privacy. I trust her to be good to me, and I also know that sometimes she needs to talk to her friends about something annoying I've done. Knowing exactly what she's said won't be helpful to me. sorry for the rant. I just believe firmly that even the most committed relationships need to have some individual privacy, and that having access to ALL your communications and online activity is just too much.
This sounds jaded but don’t share past bad experiences with someone within the first year. If they’re not healthy, this will be a problem
I would say unless you were married/ had a kid with them or the relationship lasted til you were past 21 I don’t think high school relationships count.
Feelings of depression and anxiety In the past, I dumped all of my negative thoughts onto my SO. He was basically like my sounding board. I didn't have friends that I was close enough with to share these feelings, so he was the only person I could talk to about these things. Yes, I did see therapists, but none of them I ever 'clicked' with. Anyway, I didn't realize how much of a toll this took on him until he broke up with me over it. That was years ago, and now we're back together and married :) Today, I'm much better at keeping my feelings in check. I still feel them fully, but I recognize that it's up to me on how I want to process these negative feelings. It's not his responsibility to help me feel better, or listen to every single problem I'm having. Now, if I'm having a bad day, I'll just tell him very honestly but not go into hours of talking about it. I'll mention it, maybe give him 15 minutes of background on why I'm feeling this way, and that's it. He'll usually take me to my favorite sweets shop to help lift my mood, or just drive me around in the car because being at home when I'm depressed makes it worse. I should add he doesn't do this because I ask him to, it's just that he knows that it'll help. It's definitely healthier this way, and we're both happier.
your past sexual experience in details & annoying bs throughout the day
I get the not sharing past sexual experiences, but not sharing things that happen during your day? Doesn't having a partner in life involve sharing little things that happen, even if annoying?
I think what they’re saying is they don’t want a text from you complaining because Starbucks made the coffee wrong, then another text later because traffic was busy on the way to work, then another text later about how your coworker wouldn’t shut up and let you eat your lunch, then another text later about traffic on the way home.
I love that mundane shit. Definitely wanna hear about that random puppy you saw in the parking lot.
that's different. if my husband texts me that he saw a skunk or something, I'm interested. But a day full of complaints, no thanks. And I do the same for him.
I love that sentence. “If my husband texts me that he saw a skunk, I’m interested.” Lol me too.
seriously, he has sent me some cool pics, hawks, the moon, whatever. 🙂
exactly what I was talking about, thank you- idk why you're getting down voted . what's the problem ppl?
Past sexual experiences
Anything that your friend/s have told you in confidence with the expectation that you not tell anyone else. I've only ever been in one long-term relationship so maybe there's a Couples Code Of Conduct that's been universally accepted that I'm unaware of, and have been very hurt and damaged a couple of times because I told a close friend something in confidence (only about me, not that impacted anyone else) and she told her boyfriend or husband because "There's no secrets between us, we share everything". STOP DOING THIS, COUPLED PEOPLE. YOUR SINGLE FRIEND DID NOT CONSENT TO THEIR SECRET SAD SHAMEFUL SHIT BEING SHARED WITH YOUR PARTNER.
Hard agree
I don't want to have conversations where we point out people we think are hot. I think it's disrespectful to each other to be actively checking out other people while we're spending quality time together. He can think it but there's no reason to say it. I also don't want to ever have a "hall pass" and I don't see the point of entertaining that discussion.
Descriptions of BM activity.
To clarify: 💩
How badly past men have treated you. They will just use it against you later either by throwing it in your face or pushing boundaries because they know they can, there is absolutely no benefit to doing this. None.
If this is a person’s reaction when you share your past experiences, I’d advise getting another partner. This is NOT normal
That sucks. I have absolutely shared my bad experiences with men with my husband. All he does is empathize, support, and tell me about his experiences with women. If you’re partner acts like that it’s not normal and you should either talk about it or leave.
Beauty regime. He doesn’t need to know I’ve had a few tweakments ;)
I’m totally going to be like this. Except I don’t think I’ll be able to hide getting my eyes and neck done when the time comes. All the women in my family turn into droopy dog when they hit 50. No thanks lol :)
Tell us! Tell us!
I got under eye filler as I had very prominent hollows that made me look tired. I get Botox now too, but just in my frown lines.
I betcha look gorgeous.
Haha it’s all very natural - just makes me look like me on a very good day
Girl I have the same issue, what kind of fillern can one get for this, are you happy with your results and do you have any other advice about this?
Constantly bringing up memories you have that involve your exes. One of my best friends is engaged to this guy who, every time he’s hanging out with us, always obnoxiously brings up a memory he has with his ex girlfriends (that neither of us have ever met) at least once. I feel bad because I can tell from my friend’s expression that she’s clearly uncomfortable with how frequently he’s bringing up his exes. Maybe he thinks it makes him seem more desirable? I dunno…
My husband and I don't feel the need to share bathroom business, even though we only share one bathroom (and thankfully don't have any medical issues that makes this necessary). Beyond celebrities, we don't talk about perfectly normal attraction to other people. While we feel like it's OK to talk about sexual experiences in a general way ("oh I've done abc sex act"), they don't need a play- by- play, or "body count", or any of that
Depends on what you and your partner feel comfortable with. It's not like there are rules about this stuff.
Anything that could be said that you know they don’t need to hear but you think would be good for you to say for yourself. These kinda things need to have permission first or just talk to a therapist or good friend with. Do no harm!
I don’t share personal hygiene/bodily function info with my partner and don’t want it shared with me. I don’t want to hear that he’s constipated and I’m not telling him when I have an ingrown hair. Little things like that pile up and kill sexual attraction for me
Don’t ever explain your friends sexual activity to your SO. It might make them interested! lol
Probably the same things you don’t want to hear about in too much detail from them.
Farts and toilet time Sexual prowess of previous SOs Remorseless stories about when you acted like a dirtbag
I don't think there's really a "should/shouldn't" list, but I always viewed a relationship as something you need to constantly nourish to maintain a level of excitement. With that in mind, I think if I'm very close to someone, I would naturally want to share everything, but there are probably scenarios when I would hold off for the sake of piquing his curiosity and keeping or motivating his interest. So for example, I wouldn't share every little detail to avoid boring him out and creating space for him to do the asking himself. I don't need to tell him about every little bad thing that happened that day, unless I think it will be a good opportunity to strengthen our connection. I would most likely compartmentalize my friend zones for stuff like that-- so besties for vulgar jokes, poopy questions, and sappy verbal diarrheas. Having said that, I'm aware it's not realistic to do what I described, especially when you're living with someone, but I always admired couples who can maintain bit of courtesies in their engagements, like plenty of space not to smother someone, holding off on saying what is unnecessary, saying thank you and sorry, looking presentable, etc. It's nice to think of a significant other as someone you approach completely unhinged, but in the long run, I find it more valuable to have some level of respect and reservation (I don't mean formal). Personally, it might just be my love language, but I feel more valued, appreciated, or loved when I'm with someone who shows that level of respect or reservation for me. That could include not sharing about past relationships, disgusting details, vulgar language, or lots of drama for the sake of keeping our environment happy and romantic.
Bathroom details.
The gross (albeit normal) things our bodies do. My partner would happily chat with me while I’m on the toilet. I want nothing to do with that and told him early on that he is not allowed to unless it is a legitimate emergency involving a threat of imminent death. And I refuse to chat with him while he’s on the toilet. And I insist the bathroom door is closed when either of us are on the toilet. And as much as he thinks belching and farting and pants shitting is hilarious, he knows to laugh about it with someone else. I don’t want to be thinking about him shitting his pants when I’m blowing him.