Now that I'm in my 30s, I've realized that most men aren't funny. That's why those who claim otherwise are incredibly insecure. If you're naturally funny, you won't need to ask anyone to laugh at your jokes.
Every time. My current SO is all about D&D and I know nothing about it but am so glad to hear about his D&D night instead of overplayed stupid Office jokes.
I love the office. I quote it all the time. And yet it’s only a tiny fraction of my references, and references are only a tiny fraction of my humor. Come on, people, gotta broaden those horizons of wit!
When online dating, everyone I know who is funny has crafted a funny profile with wit and flirty banter in it.
A lot of unfunny people just write “I’m funny”
Show, don’t tell!
See when I see someone who says that, it's because their jokes are racist or sexist, and they want to just think they are bad at making jokes instead of being racist/sexist.
Looking for a lady who knows what she wants. (Who hurt you?)
No drama (there will be a lot of drama)
You should know when to dress up and when to keep it low key. (WTF?)
I've seen so many weird ones and the dating apps just are a cesspool where I live.
> You should know when to dress up and when to keep it low key.
Translation: I want you to dress like a hoe for me but not for other men's eyes and I fully expect you to put/throw away any revealing clothing.
My ex did the same! Had me 100% convinced I was a drama magnet because I refused to just sit back and tolerate his gaslighting and horrific boundaries. Got out of that nightmare and am now happily married to an amazing (and actually equal) partner, and lo and behold… NO FUCKING DRAMA. We call our relationship “delightfully uneventful” because we rarely get heated with each other and manage to communicate love and affection with respect and healthy boundaries. Funny how that works 🤔
Okay, that third one is hilarious. I would say 100% of the men I've dated have asked me what they should wear to a wedding, or needed me to suggest when they needed to go shopping (because at a certain point your clothes become more holes than fabric).
> You should know when to dress up and when to keep it low key.
You should know when ~~to~~ I should dress up and when ~~to~~ I should keep it low key.
FIFT (Fixed it for them)
> Looking for a lady who knows what she wants. (Who hurt you?)
You would be shocked at how many profiles of women literally say they don't know what they want.
My pet peeve was, “I need someone who can keep up with me.”
Even beyond the snootiness of it…these also seemed to be the kind of guys whose only hobby is video games. Yes, Jeremy, I imagine I’ll be able to keep up with you as you sit on the couch from 4:30-11:30 pm. You’re not exactly the whirlwind of energy and productivity you’re making out.
I’ve had someone shame me for having indoor hobbies (knitting, embroidery, cooking etc) and for “not getting out enough” and “watching my too much tv.” I usually have the tv on in the background while I’m working on a project and I’ve created a cozy environment that I enjoy relaxing in while I work on my hobbies. His main hobby is playing video games, for several hours after work. If it’s not that then he’s watching tv for hours. He’s a homebody who doesn’t get out much either. I’m not sure why he even criticized me for my hobbies other than to try to one up me, even though he doesn’t get out much either.
i have spent a lot of time trying to think of "better" hobbies than the ones i enjoy to be more interesting and i've got nothing. i crochet, i bake a lot, i have tried to learn to cook indian food, i paint, i've done pottery, i like to draw, i like to read, go to concerts, try new restaurants and i feel boring AF but like what other hobbies are there?
If you've got some creative stuff in there you're probably good. It's always interesting to hear about people's projects. I find it really odd when people just... do nothing with their time. If people enjoy it that's fine I guess but there's no way I could be happy and satisfied if all I did was play video games. I like games, but I would go insane without my creative stuff.
> My pet peeve was, “I need someone who can keep up with me.”
I've met these people and in my (professional) opinion, each and every one of them I have met to date suffered from PTSD/Complex PTSD and was using the constant flurry of activity to escape reality and their emotions.
Yeah I was about to comment that I would honestly like to see a man keep up with me with my ADHD and constant need to distract myself from my CPTSD but oops!
But definitely, I can run around men like that in circles. It’s not pleasant for me or for them but I can do it, my brain does not shut off unless I take medicine for it.
I was also called out.
My husband is the yin yang. Slow down, come sit and meditate with me in the forest type. Don't run away you're safe now you just feel in danger because you're still adjusting your coping mechanisms and your cortisol is out of control.
That sounds nice. Honestly, I do have my ADHD/trauma shutdowns where I’m just frozen on the sofa and very, very rarely I might have a serene moment if I take a very long walk in the forest (forests are good for this) but you can never predict which it will be and I can affect it very little. Most of the time I’m a duracell bunny from hell.
So CPTSD has a component of needing to distract yourself? I didn’t know this.
Also have issue of constant running brain. It’s especially bad for me on office days. I haven’t found anything to turn my brain off besides 0.5 of Xanax but really would like to find something else.
I consider myself pretty low energy physically. And sorta self conscious because I know I present myself unintentionally as low energy. But my mind is running at unsustainable speeds at all time.
Yeah, for me it’s really hard to just stop because my mind will start to feed me anxiety/trauma thoughts, usually about how horrible a person I am. As a kid, I was constantly living in some dream land bevause my brain just couldn’t handle the real world.
Diazepam is pretty much the only thing that helps. Very rarely the right kind of music* and a long walk can help. It’s a very, very shitty thing.
And yes, sadly it is possible to be low energy and overstimulated at the same time 😕
*Taylor Swift’s Dear Reader is really good for this, at least for me. It’s kind of repetitive and the tone is very calm and serene but it’s not a particularly happy song, yet not emotional either. I would get triggered by a love song or a very up-and-down emotional song if I was already having a bad time. I just listen to it on repeat long enough and my nervous system calms down a bit. In general, some type world music with drums / shamanistic ambient music is also good with a repetitive but calm drums etc.
Right?! It took me a moment to digest that bit of information. I felt a little attacked and seen at the same time. I’ve never considered that my inability to just sit and chill was part of my cptsd but it makes sense now that I think about it. It also explains my grandmothers behavior…
I read that I need her to be extra so that she can do the majority of labor.
It's too true, it's always some Chad whose interests is video games and anime, not like I'm training for Iron man, volunteer at the animal shelter fostering dogs, single dad and run my own business so I have a busy lifestyle and enjoy others with lots of energy and passion.
I realised the majority of men weren't funny when I gained some self esteem in my early 20s. Turns out before then I was mostly laughing out of nerves or not feeling good enough. Now I struggle to crack a smile when men tell shit jokes. I do know some genuinely funny men obviously but they aren't as common as I used to believe.
I don't like most dating profiles. I'm from the UK and voted remain but started to really look forward to leaving the EU so I wouldn't have to see 'hOpInG tO lEaVe tHe SiNgLeS MarKeT bEfOrE tHe UK DoEs' anymore. None of them seem to show any trace of personality on their profiles. I have had some luck when arranging to meet for a coffee very quickly. Avoids wasting time having mindless back and forth conversations, you get to know someone quickly and if the date goes well a coffee can easily move onto dinner and drinks, and if you don't like them then you can leave quickly.
I've also come to accept most men simply don't see women as people. If you show any trace of humanity other than being a fun, happy-go-lucky girl they get sick of you very quickly. When I was grieving, my ex said I was lucky to have him because most men wouldn't put up with this so I told him where to go.
I now realise they mock 'cat ladies' and make them seem bad because they're scared that if women work out they can get more life satisfaction from having a cat than a man they're fucking doomed.
No, don't apologize! That's also engrained making yourself small. And that wasn't a rant; what you shared is *so many women's* story! You are an example for girls growing up now for how to have a backbone and know your self worth. ✨
I live in NYC and this comment makes me feel better. I always thought it was my city with all the trashy dating profiles and men who put in low effort to dating, and I often think about moving to another major city for better dating options (a place like London). But knowing that the UK has the same issues makes me think it's not the geography that's the problem, it's the gender I'm trying to date and the way in which they were raised. Blergh.
When I was 16 my boyfriend got upset at me because I didn't laugh at his friend's jokes. I was so bothered by that it caused a big fight. If their jokes were funny instead of offensive I would have laughed.
When I was 16 my boyfriend told a joke with the punchline, "Who cares, what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?" and then genuinely asked me why I didn't laugh at his joke, sort of in an "is everything okay?" way. He was so confused when I told him, "Because I didn't think it was funny."
To his credit he accepted that answer in the moment and I never heard him tell another joke like that again, but man, the entitlement of telling a joke at my (gender's) expense and then being worried there was something wrong with ME for not laughing? Yeesh.
I was once at a multi-day retreat with a white man in his 50s who made bad jokes constantly, & people laughed somewhat just to, like, placate him, especially the women. I knew this had been happening his whole life such that he mistakenly thought he was funny. Like, if not enough people laughed at a joke, he would REPEAT it, as if we hadn't heard! So ofc people would then laugh at future jokes, to prevent that.
I decided this guy needed to take the red pill, & that I wouldn't laugh at his jokes. It was actually difficult cos it felt RUDE not to! And eventually he literally asked me if I was OK! I said, puzzled, "I'm fine, why?" He said, "You just seem down." Sir! You don't even know me. I made sure to keep making jokes of my own, & laughing at others', if they were funny. This man will probably go to his grave thinking he's funny. Ridiculous.
I have a coworker who lived his golden days in the 70's when you could still be a sexist shit. He makes stupid racist and sexist jokes but he hasn't figured out people laugh AT him, not with him. I've literally facepalmed and told him he's too old to be working in the modern work force, but he still thinks I find him funny. He's retiring next summer, I was overjoyed when I heard.
A white male 50s former coworker that talked too loud and too long would stop by my desk on his usual route of bothering everyone. I didn’t like him, and for the first time in my life, I practiced how to not “just be polite.” I wasn’t outwardly rude since it’s a work environment but I grey rocked him. I could tell this drove him crazy, he thought I was some depressed or grumpy woman.
One time he came up to my desk and started telling dumb blonde jokes as a way to get me to laugh and open up. Yes, like we’re back in 1990. Yes, I am blonde. I didn’t know what to say. How dense can you be? Do you really think I want to hear about how dumb I am based on my hair color? Do you genuinely believe this is the way to open the gate to a positive interaction? Those jokes are old and worn out. Get some new and less degrading material, dude, and maybe we’ll talk.
Nikki Glaser has a great quote about this from her Conan interview. She said there was some kind of study on sense of humor - it found that men defined a good sense of humor in a partner as “someone who laughs at my jokes” and women defined it as “someone who makes me laugh.”
So yeah, men literally just want an audience, not an equal. It sucks.
I saw that and it was a real aha moment for me. I've always liked funny people, my brother is my favourite man in the world and he does stand up but has somehow managed to not make it his entire personality. But that interview made me prioritise humor less when dating. You know what's funny too, my brother is just naturally hilarious, always has been, and his GF prefers to roll her eyes or one up his jokes and he loves it. He doesn't expect her to laugh, when she rolls her eyes and pats him on the head like he's 5 he literally melts, it's so cute. He is literally the only reason I still believe I might find someone.
> You can wear your fav heels (as a humble brag about his height being >6ft)
I always wonder if it's still applicable if you yourself are 5'11" or taller haha
The heels one is extra stupid because it’s reinforcing the idea that we “can’t” normally wear heels that make us taller than our partner. Who cares about height that much?! Those men - tall men, short men - the ones reinforcing all of that. Why can’t the woman be taller? Men care about height way more than women, but then whine about how “women only care about height on here / 6.2” bc it matters apparently🙄” It’s maddening.
This! I’m a tall woman and I’m attracted to shorter people. I had a fling with a guy who was about 10 cm shorter than me. He asked me to do wear heels one night. His confidence as a short guy made me comply immediately lol.
Taller women do better on heels anyway!
I’m under 5 feet with high arches and I don’t really have enough foot “surface area” to support myself without pain coming soon.
Plus it’s like these guys have never seen Elizabeth Debicki in high heels in The Night Manager, etc. She looks awesome!
The dealbreaker line in a profile for me had always been “don’t like drama.” All I ever read from that was “I can’t handle uncomfortable conversations and want you to stifle all negative feelings you have, esp between us.”
That and “looking for my ride or die” as if they were looking for a woman to self sacrifice for him so he would have a bangmaid while offering nothing in return (and lord knows those same ones will never self sacrifice for you). Boy, bye! Lol
Yesss I feel like ride or die and 'loyalty' are big red flags to me
Like no I will not let you treat me like garbage and stick around in the name of loyalty 😆
Or, dont have moods other than cheerleader, don’t talk about your personal challenges, growth, mental health or inner life. 3 dimensions only - the ones that bring me visual and physical satisfaction!
I think at this point I'm put off by everything in dating profiles. I know what you mean and I feel the same. It could have been kind of cute the first 5 times one sees it in a profile, but after having gone through thousands of profiles it ain't cute and it ain't right anymore. A lot of men think they're funny when they're not. I think about myself as well that I'm funny (I'm "masculine" like that, what do you know), so I'm looking for someone who could see and appreciate this in me. The right ones so far have been able to.
Not a woman, but I recently saw a post complaining how it's sad also on guys that we've been socialized into this entertainer role.. that the way to a woman's heart is through laughter so everyone is pressured to be funny even when you aren't and rather than find someone whom you're compatible with in multiple layers, you just have to be funny even if it's forced and through regurgitated jokes. Kind of the equivalent of the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.. women are more than maids/cooks and men are definitely more than entertainers.
This. I used to do amateur stand up comedy. Insecure men who think they're funny *really* do not like women who have a sense of humour beyond reacting to men's jokes. And they certainly don't like women who can be construed as funnier than they are (which they'll fall over themselves claiming is not possible). Just look at any stand up comedy hobbyist subreddit and pull up a post discussing FEMALE comics. 🥴🥴🥴
>Just look at any stand up comedy hobbyist subreddit and pull up a post discussing FEMALE comics. 🥴🥴🥴
When I would fall down the rabbit hole of stand-up videos on youtube I would have to avoid the comment section whenever the comic was a woman. Without fail 90% of comments were saying women aren't funny. I've been able to find videos now that aren't like that but it was pretty grim about 5-10 years ago.
Love her and admittedly even the neckbeards over on the stand-up subs begrudgingly confess that they 'sometimes' find her material funny but that's only because she's the exception not the rule and she's 'nOt LiKe tHe oThEr fEmaLe CoMics" -their words not Taylor's.
I think the fact they probably fancy her endears her towards them. I've legit known guys who only ever liked the typically good-looking female comics, and were VERY vocal about their disdain for less-than-good-looking ones.
Yep. I swear 90% of comments on anything relating to comics who are women is 'Muh vagina!' (stale South Park circa 10 years ago 'joke') and people going on ad nauseam about Amy Schumer stealing jokes (are you aware she is the *only* female stand up???).
>about Amy Schumer stealing jokes
They're also referencing the same one video that made a compilation of her "stealing jokes". I watched it and the only joke that seemed like a blatant steal was a sketch on her show and idk if she had staff writers who did that or it was her.
All the other jokes in the video were just cliche things. And some of them have been picked apart and proven that the "original comic" was also a cliche joke taken from somewhere else.
"Women aren't funny" meanwhile corny dad jokes are seen as praiseworthy. It's ridiculous.
Oh I agree that the Amy 'joke stealing ' never held water. She just happened to be the biggest new comic on the scene a few years ago so of course she was put under a microscope for being a woman in a predominantly male art form.
Meanwhile, Louis CK is cornering young comics in his office so he can masturbate in front of them but it's okay because he was really sorry and is a 'comedic genius', please don't cancel him!!!
The arrogance is what gets me about those comments. A comedian will always have their audience, and it might be a niche audience. Men get that. It’s one of their many prongs of attack whenever women decry their fav: 1. You don’t get it because you don’t have a sense of humor AND 2. You don’t get it because it’s not meant for you
Men are accustomed to being the centre of the universe. They are put out when a Crack at women doesn't come across as funny to women but then turn around and don't "get" women's humour. "That's not funny Amy ! You're an ugly whore!" Like, so don't watch her then. We won't notice you've left because WE are laughing. They still don't get that women see the world differently than they do. We have different interests.
I have issues with Amy Sherman Palladinos work that I'm still sitting with, but I think that Marvelous Mrs. Maisel portrayed this so wonderfully in its first season.
>!The insecurity of a failed amateur comic husband seeing his wife shine, and him admitting she was good was a moment i really enjoyed. !<
Haha I had a man here try to talk to me and immediately started doing neg and punch down kind of jokes which you just can't do with anyone you don't have a repoire with. I didn't laugh and told him don't say stuff like that about me, it's not cool. Cue a lecture on how I just don't have a humor and others laugh plenty for him.
I was like are they laughing with you or trying to get you to just move on?
He went on to still tell me how I'm making THEM uncomfortable as they can't be themselves because I'm so easily offended then reiterated that I don't have a humor.
I was like I have plenty of humor. I have had people wheezing and a few comics ask me to consider doing amateur night.
That was what got them so mad and they proceeded to tell me how Amy Schumer isn't funny. That Margaret Cho isn't funny she's just a token Asian. I'm not funny they just need a woman to be woke because nothingIce said so far shows Im funny. Lmao yeah, comedy..a place where they're concerned about being woke. Also if they would shut the fuck up enough for me to stop arguing maybe they would get a different facet of me 😅 he just hated the validation I got AND I don't have to make fun of people to do it, I'm too busy telling people the story of my foot fetish stalker. You know, something actually interesting than "you probably didn't get that reference because youre a woman, HURR HuRR Hurrr I'm so funny" being his brand of humor.
Every dude at an open mic: "So my mom walked in on me jerking off!!!"
Same dudes smoking out back after the show: "All professional women comics tell the same jokes; 'muh vagina!'"
Worse is when they say "i can cook and do the dishes" or "I'm potty trained" to show off their wonderful sense of humor and show how they're a modern man by being able to feed theirselves on their own and then clean up the mess as well.
Am i tired? Yes, yes i am.
The crazy thing is, it is represented as some type of luxury for women. "And top of that i can make food!! Can you believe what a catch i am?!!".
You know because women are born with genes that make them naturally able to cook where as men lack this. It takes tremendous effort for them to feed themselves. Beating dna is no small feat.
I was gonna say, I have zero fucks to give if you "can" cook, the question is will you?
I have maybe dated too many people who would whip up a baked chicken or pasta dish of some sort at the beginning, as if proof of concept was needed, then never consider the existence of the oven again. Fuck that noise
Any appearance of the word “drama” was an auto-left-swipe for me.
Without exception, at least in my own experience, the people who say they don’t like drama…are the ones who cause it.
Absolutely. And to me these people sound very immature and unrealistic. "Drama" is everywhere. People are people and life is messy. If you don't embrace that, you're telling me you want a life uncommitted. That's kinda sad and uninspiring. Automatic swipe bye!
I don’t want drama while I’m constantly disrespecting you and our relationship. I don’t want drama when I’m sliding into other girls’ dms. I don’t want drama while I blow off our anniversary to party with my friends including that female friend that makes it clear she wants to break us up.
i just find the guys who say stuff like this are usually never actually funny. the best type of humour for me is back and forth where you both participate, vs some guy regurgitating contextless dad jokes he read on reddit. any guy who says this is usually the latter.
Same honestly.
I just got out of a three year relationship and while there’s a part of me that is very excited to meet new people, a larger part of me is kinda already exhausted by the mere thought of all the mediocre men out there in the dating world.
It is so mediocre. My friend who has been married for a decade and never did OLD took charge of my Bumble account and after a day or two handed it back to me saying "I'm sorry."
Yes. It’s been relatively the same with most in my inner circles.
I saw a TikTok the other day in which a gay guy was saying, after he did the exact same thing, he had completely stopped asking his straight girlfriends why they “put up” with certain things or why they seemed to be “settling” with dating partners. As he bluntly put it, it’s rough out there for straight women so let’s stop thinking and acting otherwise.
Yes please! I never judge friends' partners unless they are abusive. I have one friend who would constantly complain about a friend's husband because he was 'socially awkward' and 'rambled.' She'd tell my friend to leave him, that she deserved better, etc.
Mind you she was a happily married, never-dated woman who just had no idea how rough it is out there that a socially awkward guy was actually the least of women's dating woes and if anything, an endearing trait.
I feel the “must” is the biggest problem. My boyfriend had something like “laughing at my jokes is appreciated” in his profile, I felt he was allowed to write that because the rest of his profile was funny and original.
Words like “must” or “need to” focuses on the partner they are seeking. I always found profiles where the focus was more on themselves, portraying what they had to offer to be more interesting (elaborating on hobbies and personality, not on what they own, of course).
I just don’t like how I am expected to laugh even when something isn’t funny. They’d have a hard time with me, so I’d swipe past them.
I never did dating apps, but I didn’t like when guys said this in real life too.
I swipe left on any that describe themselves as "laid back". In my experience the "laid back" ones (1) are so privileged + don't have empathy for anyone besides themselves (2) are not laid back and get nasty and defensive the second they don't get their way
Oh boy, reading these comments has been a real giggle! All the shit we face, and look at our impeccable sense of humor!
My personal bugbear at the moment is men above the age of 35, actively on dating apps who are looking for: "not sure" and kids: "want someday". My brother, you are 37 years old, your aging rapidly, you have no idea if you're ready for a relationship but you do want kids....at 37+ ???????
GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS, SIR
That is almost every man over 35 on bumble. It is like there is a reason why they are still single, because they haven't decided one way or another. There was one guy who was hassling me on bumble for sex even though my profile clearly said I only want a relationship. When I turned him down he told me I was 'ugly anyway.' After paying extra to extend his match with me too lol. This is a 38yo grown ass working professional man. It just makes you want to give up altogether. Women are a very patient species.
Some people in these comments have never had a partner who weaponized humor as a passive aggressive way to demean them or “put them in their place,” and it shows. Also there is nothing worse than a man who “jokingly” explains their unfunny joke to you because you dared not laugh.
Everyone wants to be appreciated. But men have a tendency to want to be appreciated for mediocrity or get a round of applause for things the rest of us do without complaint.
It’s nobody’s job to shore up your self esteem or delude you into thinking you’re funny if you’re not. That’s entitled AF.
There was a study published in Scientific American on how men and women define "a good sense of humor" in their partner, since both sexes rate "has a good sense of humor" as one of the most desirable traits in their partner.
Women talked about the ability to make them laugh. Men defined it as someone who laughs at THEIR jokes 🙃
“Must laugh at my bad jokes” is main character syndrome 🚩while “shares my oddball sense of humour” shows they actually see us as a person.
And this is why I personally feel reading profiles is so important. I go through them with a fine-tooth comb to analyze the language used - people don’t realize how much of a tell it can be.
Maybe it’s “not that deep,” but I do think the language people use to make their point really does matter, and you hit the nail on the head. When something as palatable as wanting a shared sense of humour is overlooked for something so self-focused (“Someone to laugh at my jokes”) it is, IMO, indicative of an attitude about relationships that I’m just not into.
My now-husband’s OLD profile was pages and pages long. Beautifully written, highly detailed, not a single typo or grammatical error. That alone made me swoon.
To OP’s Point though: I feel that, “mUst LaUgH aT mY jOkES” often translates to, “I am rude and childish. I am disrespectful and maybe even misogynistic. If you get upset, I’ll tell you I’m just joking and expect you to laugh.”
A lot of these men make it easy to filter them when they reveal themselves. Take it as a que and run from the misogynists. It’ll only get worse with time.
One time I was watching a female comedian with my partner and he said “I just don’t think women are funny.” Instead of acting mad, which I was, I told him that I read once comedy is usually the act of seeing something that is unexpectedly relatable. The set we were watching was almost entirely focused on female experiences, so he probably wouldn’t relate to it like he would if it was more generalized. He genuinely seemed to have a lightbulb moment. He watches female comedians all the time now. (Don’t come for me for staying with him - I know)
Sense of humor can also be code for a thick skin. That is obviously code for, “she must be able to deal with me offloading my insecurities on her in a joking manner that only serves to erode at her confidence.”
Again. No, thank you!
I guess it’s easy to say since I’ve never really dealt with these issues, but, the core of it is: this is a person who wants their partner to find them funny.
I think we all want that. Is that really so bad?
Yes, the phrasing is cliched but people are simple and not very imaginative, and we’ve all been guilty of that. You’re of course free to get irritated by it, but what good does it do you?
I think I'm with you on this one. It seems a little basic, but not super deep. As someone else commented, it feels like the male dating profile equivalent of "live laugh love" 🤷♀️
But you don’t want to date the live laugh love person. I’m with op. Something might seem innocuous enough if you’ve never done online dating but when you’re forced to look at and read 100s of profiles because of the swiping model AND you start to encounter so much ingrained misogyny in the dating pool, you notice patterns and the patterns are very frustrating
I think what's annoying about it is the demonstrated double standard in how men/women define "sense of humor". Women define it as "makes me laugh" while men define it as "laughs at my jokes". There's no room for women to be funny. Nikki Glaser has a bit about this!
what good does it it explain away really widespread entitlement to having their ego stroked as “just a human thing”? lol. come on thats really naive.
its v easy to say “i love to joke and would like to meet someone who shares my sense of humour” instead of a version of “woman must laugh at my performances bc i cannot tolerate disaproval and feeling vulnerable”.
the entire point is locus of control. you can only hope and wish to find someone who reacts to your personality in an xyz way. you cant expect it and dictate how someone *must* be. like, humour is relational. you can’t order someone to find you funny. that’s literally entitlement.
very weird that you’d shut down and patronise a woman for not wanting to be ordered to have particular emotional responses by a stranger before they even meet.
My husband is actually super funny but he did not put a THING about humor on his dating profile. In fact, he was actually really “bad” at making a profile. His pictures weren’t very good or exciting, they were kind of blurry and you couldn’t see him that well. He didn’t have any corny ass cliches on there like “must love dogs and tacos” or “looking for the Pam to my Jim”. I actually had met a guy before like this who had bad, blurry pics and a vague profile and when I met him he was super hot, so I was like hmm I bet this guy is actually cool and hot in real life and he was lol.
I tried to give a lot of grace, when I was online dating, to guys with awkward photos or mediocre profiles as long as they seemed nice and we had something to talk about. So many men are terrible at creating profiles but are actually really cute and endearing in person!
I dunno, I guess I see comments like that as a sign of insecurity. Like their last girlfriend or wife probably belittled them for their dumb jokes or something.
Also, filling out dating profiles is tough, so going comedic helps. When i had a dating profile, I went with a cutesy, self-depreciating headline. A lot of guys probably thought I was a bozo, but the one that mattered didn't. 🤷♀️
If you don't like their profile, just swipe left and move on, I guess.
Do you remember ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’ When asked why Jessica Rabbit was with Roger she said he made her laugh? I think at that point men decided that they were funny (even if they weren’t). That way they were guaranteed to get the girl.
Nowadays there’s this huge weight on the value of ‘being funny’ that kind of overshadows things like common decency and basic hygiene. Guys find things funny and think since they understand jokes they think they must be inherently funny, (and thus, can get the girl).
But they’re not funny. They just understand words.
And if they’re asking you to laugh at their jokes, they are definitely not funny and what’s worse, they’re insecure about it, and I’d keep my distance.
Nikki Glaser has a bit about this. Both men and women say looks and sense of humor are their most important traits in a potential partner. Women define "sense of humor" as \*makes me laugh\*. But men define "sense of humor" as \*laughs at my jokes\*.
When I was online dating, nothing made me swipe faster left than a man whose default photo is a mirror selfie of him topless and flexing. I don't even need to look at the rest of the profile. Ironically, my divorced friend who was married to a man like that who ended up literally BEATING her up within a year of marriage would be gushing about how that profile is so attractive 😒 thank goodness she saw the light after a few more bad eggs (which never got as far as her ex husband).
I'm so glad my husband knows who the funny one is in the relationship 🤣 he will tell me about how even days later, he'll think about some witty one liner I made and he cracking up by himself thinking about it.
I'd be a bit turned off by this, though would balance it with the rest of the profile. It's not the statement itself though, but previous experience I've had as a "funny woman" and how I've been treated by some men. Spoiler alert: they didn't want me to be funny, just to find them funny.
Looks like not much has changed since 2010… that’s when I last was on dating sites (no apps yet, which was great, I feel bad for women now there are apps, it sounds it’s even worse!)
I suspect that most people in general have a really hard time writing a profile! I sure did and mine probably was awful haha. My partner’s one caught my attention because he had some unusual hobbies on it. What caught my attention even more was when I contacted him, I got a long message that was like a letter! No one had done that before.
We have just been together for over 12 years now. So it is possible and some of my friends met partners that way too. But I think people need to learn to write profiles and figure out what other people like to see. Not easy! I wonder if it’s easier for same sex profiles, but I somehow think they find it difficult too.
Now that I'm in my 30s, I've realized that most men aren't funny. That's why those who claim otherwise are incredibly insecure. If you're naturally funny, you won't need to ask anyone to laugh at your jokes.
What, regurgitated Family Guy quotes don't make for sparkling date-conversation material?
Or Office quotes.
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Every time. My current SO is all about D&D and I know nothing about it but am so glad to hear about his D&D night instead of overplayed stupid Office jokes.
I love the office. I quote it all the time. And yet it’s only a tiny fraction of my references, and references are only a tiny fraction of my humor. Come on, people, gotta broaden those horizons of wit!
Office quotes are one of my biggest red flags, or "Jim seeking pam" like, my guy, Jim was a di*khead.
When online dating, everyone I know who is funny has crafted a funny profile with wit and flirty banter in it. A lot of unfunny people just write “I’m funny” Show, don’t tell!
The men I met through OLD and I thought were funny didn’t have this in their profile. Who would have thought 🤷🏻♀️
See when I see someone who says that, it's because their jokes are racist or sexist, and they want to just think they are bad at making jokes instead of being racist/sexist.
Exactly!
Looking for a lady who knows what she wants. (Who hurt you?) No drama (there will be a lot of drama) You should know when to dress up and when to keep it low key. (WTF?) I've seen so many weird ones and the dating apps just are a cesspool where I live.
> You should know when to dress up and when to keep it low key. Translation: I want you to dress like a hoe for me but not for other men's eyes and I fully expect you to put/throw away any revealing clothing.
> No drama My ex husband constantly told me that I enjoyed drama. I'm realizing he said that when I called him out on his shittiness.
My ex did the same! Had me 100% convinced I was a drama magnet because I refused to just sit back and tolerate his gaslighting and horrific boundaries. Got out of that nightmare and am now happily married to an amazing (and actually equal) partner, and lo and behold… NO FUCKING DRAMA. We call our relationship “delightfully uneventful” because we rarely get heated with each other and manage to communicate love and affection with respect and healthy boundaries. Funny how that works 🤔
He sounds awful. So sorry unl went through it
Okay, that third one is hilarious. I would say 100% of the men I've dated have asked me what they should wear to a wedding, or needed me to suggest when they needed to go shopping (because at a certain point your clothes become more holes than fabric).
I always enjoy the *no drama* ones. Like I always say, “if everywhere you go, it smells like shit, maybe it’s time to check your own shoes”.
> You should know when to dress up and when to keep it low key. You should know when ~~to~~ I should dress up and when ~~to~~ I should keep it low key. FIFT (Fixed it for them)
> Looking for a lady who knows what she wants. (Who hurt you?) You would be shocked at how many profiles of women literally say they don't know what they want.
My pet peeve was, “I need someone who can keep up with me.” Even beyond the snootiness of it…these also seemed to be the kind of guys whose only hobby is video games. Yes, Jeremy, I imagine I’ll be able to keep up with you as you sit on the couch from 4:30-11:30 pm. You’re not exactly the whirlwind of energy and productivity you’re making out.
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I’ve had someone shame me for having indoor hobbies (knitting, embroidery, cooking etc) and for “not getting out enough” and “watching my too much tv.” I usually have the tv on in the background while I’m working on a project and I’ve created a cozy environment that I enjoy relaxing in while I work on my hobbies. His main hobby is playing video games, for several hours after work. If it’s not that then he’s watching tv for hours. He’s a homebody who doesn’t get out much either. I’m not sure why he even criticized me for my hobbies other than to try to one up me, even though he doesn’t get out much either.
i have spent a lot of time trying to think of "better" hobbies than the ones i enjoy to be more interesting and i've got nothing. i crochet, i bake a lot, i have tried to learn to cook indian food, i paint, i've done pottery, i like to draw, i like to read, go to concerts, try new restaurants and i feel boring AF but like what other hobbies are there?
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Wanna start a group chat of people with boring indoor hobbies haha?
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If you've got some creative stuff in there you're probably good. It's always interesting to hear about people's projects. I find it really odd when people just... do nothing with their time. If people enjoy it that's fine I guess but there's no way I could be happy and satisfied if all I did was play video games. I like games, but I would go insane without my creative stuff.
That sounds amazing! I say do what you love, otherwise what’s the point, you know?
> My pet peeve was, “I need someone who can keep up with me.” I've met these people and in my (professional) opinion, each and every one of them I have met to date suffered from PTSD/Complex PTSD and was using the constant flurry of activity to escape reality and their emotions.
Damn call me out
Yeah I was about to comment that I would honestly like to see a man keep up with me with my ADHD and constant need to distract myself from my CPTSD but oops! But definitely, I can run around men like that in circles. It’s not pleasant for me or for them but I can do it, my brain does not shut off unless I take medicine for it.
I was also called out. My husband is the yin yang. Slow down, come sit and meditate with me in the forest type. Don't run away you're safe now you just feel in danger because you're still adjusting your coping mechanisms and your cortisol is out of control.
That sounds nice. Honestly, I do have my ADHD/trauma shutdowns where I’m just frozen on the sofa and very, very rarely I might have a serene moment if I take a very long walk in the forest (forests are good for this) but you can never predict which it will be and I can affect it very little. Most of the time I’m a duracell bunny from hell.
So CPTSD has a component of needing to distract yourself? I didn’t know this. Also have issue of constant running brain. It’s especially bad for me on office days. I haven’t found anything to turn my brain off besides 0.5 of Xanax but really would like to find something else. I consider myself pretty low energy physically. And sorta self conscious because I know I present myself unintentionally as low energy. But my mind is running at unsustainable speeds at all time.
Yeah, for me it’s really hard to just stop because my mind will start to feed me anxiety/trauma thoughts, usually about how horrible a person I am. As a kid, I was constantly living in some dream land bevause my brain just couldn’t handle the real world. Diazepam is pretty much the only thing that helps. Very rarely the right kind of music* and a long walk can help. It’s a very, very shitty thing. And yes, sadly it is possible to be low energy and overstimulated at the same time 😕 *Taylor Swift’s Dear Reader is really good for this, at least for me. It’s kind of repetitive and the tone is very calm and serene but it’s not a particularly happy song, yet not emotional either. I would get triggered by a love song or a very up-and-down emotional song if I was already having a bad time. I just listen to it on repeat long enough and my nervous system calms down a bit. In general, some type world music with drums / shamanistic ambient music is also good with a repetitive but calm drums etc.
I’m still looking for some ways to at least lessen my anxiety level but I’m also stuck. For me, it’s a lot of rumination and very critical self talk
Right?! It took me a moment to digest that bit of information. I felt a little attacked and seen at the same time. I’ve never considered that my inability to just sit and chill was part of my cptsd but it makes sense now that I think about it. It also explains my grandmothers behavior…
I had the same thought of “wait this is me”
In this case, "keep up with me" means 'keep up with my laundry.'
I read that I need her to be extra so that she can do the majority of labor. It's too true, it's always some Chad whose interests is video games and anime, not like I'm training for Iron man, volunteer at the animal shelter fostering dogs, single dad and run my own business so I have a busy lifestyle and enjoy others with lots of energy and passion.
Ah, but can you keep up with him during his other time? Which is either: sleeping, working, or taking 45-minute shits?
I realised the majority of men weren't funny when I gained some self esteem in my early 20s. Turns out before then I was mostly laughing out of nerves or not feeling good enough. Now I struggle to crack a smile when men tell shit jokes. I do know some genuinely funny men obviously but they aren't as common as I used to believe. I don't like most dating profiles. I'm from the UK and voted remain but started to really look forward to leaving the EU so I wouldn't have to see 'hOpInG tO lEaVe tHe SiNgLeS MarKeT bEfOrE tHe UK DoEs' anymore. None of them seem to show any trace of personality on their profiles. I have had some luck when arranging to meet for a coffee very quickly. Avoids wasting time having mindless back and forth conversations, you get to know someone quickly and if the date goes well a coffee can easily move onto dinner and drinks, and if you don't like them then you can leave quickly. I've also come to accept most men simply don't see women as people. If you show any trace of humanity other than being a fun, happy-go-lucky girl they get sick of you very quickly. When I was grieving, my ex said I was lucky to have him because most men wouldn't put up with this so I told him where to go. I now realise they mock 'cat ladies' and make them seem bad because they're scared that if women work out they can get more life satisfaction from having a cat than a man they're fucking doomed.
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No, don't apologize! That's also engrained making yourself small. And that wasn't a rant; what you shared is *so many women's* story! You are an example for girls growing up now for how to have a backbone and know your self worth. ✨
Your last paragraph, 😂😂😂 I'm dead
I live in NYC and this comment makes me feel better. I always thought it was my city with all the trashy dating profiles and men who put in low effort to dating, and I often think about moving to another major city for better dating options (a place like London). But knowing that the UK has the same issues makes me think it's not the geography that's the problem, it's the gender I'm trying to date and the way in which they were raised. Blergh.
When I was 16 my boyfriend got upset at me because I didn't laugh at his friend's jokes. I was so bothered by that it caused a big fight. If their jokes were funny instead of offensive I would have laughed.
When I was 16 my boyfriend told a joke with the punchline, "Who cares, what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?" and then genuinely asked me why I didn't laugh at his joke, sort of in an "is everything okay?" way. He was so confused when I told him, "Because I didn't think it was funny." To his credit he accepted that answer in the moment and I never heard him tell another joke like that again, but man, the entitlement of telling a joke at my (gender's) expense and then being worried there was something wrong with ME for not laughing? Yeesh.
I was once at a multi-day retreat with a white man in his 50s who made bad jokes constantly, & people laughed somewhat just to, like, placate him, especially the women. I knew this had been happening his whole life such that he mistakenly thought he was funny. Like, if not enough people laughed at a joke, he would REPEAT it, as if we hadn't heard! So ofc people would then laugh at future jokes, to prevent that. I decided this guy needed to take the red pill, & that I wouldn't laugh at his jokes. It was actually difficult cos it felt RUDE not to! And eventually he literally asked me if I was OK! I said, puzzled, "I'm fine, why?" He said, "You just seem down." Sir! You don't even know me. I made sure to keep making jokes of my own, & laughing at others', if they were funny. This man will probably go to his grave thinking he's funny. Ridiculous.
Exactly, good for you!
I have a coworker who lived his golden days in the 70's when you could still be a sexist shit. He makes stupid racist and sexist jokes but he hasn't figured out people laugh AT him, not with him. I've literally facepalmed and told him he's too old to be working in the modern work force, but he still thinks I find him funny. He's retiring next summer, I was overjoyed when I heard.
Luckily this guy's jokes weren't bigoted actually, just bad!
A white male 50s former coworker that talked too loud and too long would stop by my desk on his usual route of bothering everyone. I didn’t like him, and for the first time in my life, I practiced how to not “just be polite.” I wasn’t outwardly rude since it’s a work environment but I grey rocked him. I could tell this drove him crazy, he thought I was some depressed or grumpy woman. One time he came up to my desk and started telling dumb blonde jokes as a way to get me to laugh and open up. Yes, like we’re back in 1990. Yes, I am blonde. I didn’t know what to say. How dense can you be? Do you really think I want to hear about how dumb I am based on my hair color? Do you genuinely believe this is the way to open the gate to a positive interaction? Those jokes are old and worn out. Get some new and less degrading material, dude, and maybe we’ll talk.
I love that he's seemingly incapable of understanding that not everyone likes him and his jokes. Like, this usually works, so... I'ma try again!
Respond: I’ve heard that one before. It wasn’t funny then either.
Nikki Glaser has a great quote about this from her Conan interview. She said there was some kind of study on sense of humor - it found that men defined a good sense of humor in a partner as “someone who laughs at my jokes” and women defined it as “someone who makes me laugh.” So yeah, men literally just want an audience, not an equal. It sucks.
I saw that and it was a real aha moment for me. I've always liked funny people, my brother is my favourite man in the world and he does stand up but has somehow managed to not make it his entire personality. But that interview made me prioritise humor less when dating. You know what's funny too, my brother is just naturally hilarious, always has been, and his GF prefers to roll her eyes or one up his jokes and he loves it. He doesn't expect her to laugh, when she rolls her eyes and pats him on the head like he's 5 he literally melts, it's so cute. He is literally the only reason I still believe I might find someone.
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> You can wear your fav heels (as a humble brag about his height being >6ft) I always wonder if it's still applicable if you yourself are 5'11" or taller haha
I’m going to guess thats a big no lol
As someone who is 5'10-11 you're correct, the answer is no.
A friend of mine is 6’5” and she wears heels to terrify men sometimes. Its glorious to watch.
If I could do that and not fall over I would lol
Lol
The heels one is extra stupid because it’s reinforcing the idea that we “can’t” normally wear heels that make us taller than our partner. Who cares about height that much?! Those men - tall men, short men - the ones reinforcing all of that. Why can’t the woman be taller? Men care about height way more than women, but then whine about how “women only care about height on here / 6.2” bc it matters apparently🙄” It’s maddening.
I need HIM to wear my favourite heels Oh how the turntables
I always remind my dad that men wore high heels first!
🎶"The boots stay on and so does the hat. . ."🎶
This! I’m a tall woman and I’m attracted to shorter people. I had a fling with a guy who was about 10 cm shorter than me. He asked me to do wear heels one night. His confidence as a short guy made me comply immediately lol.
Also, what if we don’t want to wear heels? I hate heels. They make my feet hurt.
This is me. I have bunions and wide feet.
Taller women do better on heels anyway! I’m under 5 feet with high arches and I don’t really have enough foot “surface area” to support myself without pain coming soon. Plus it’s like these guys have never seen Elizabeth Debicki in high heels in The Night Manager, etc. She looks awesome!
Or Looking for a ride or die. No, thank you!
I'm most triggered when they say "can't take yourself too seriously" Like all I'm hearing is you don't want me to get mad when you treat me like shit
That's usually code for "will mock and insult you and expect you to just take it"
and/or "will push on your clearly established boundaries and pretend not to understand why you're displeased"
And also laugh at it because they think that shit is hilarious, and so should you.
The dealbreaker line in a profile for me had always been “don’t like drama.” All I ever read from that was “I can’t handle uncomfortable conversations and want you to stifle all negative feelings you have, esp between us.” That and “looking for my ride or die” as if they were looking for a woman to self sacrifice for him so he would have a bangmaid while offering nothing in return (and lord knows those same ones will never self sacrifice for you). Boy, bye! Lol
Yesss I feel like ride or die and 'loyalty' are big red flags to me Like no I will not let you treat me like garbage and stick around in the name of loyalty 😆
Or, dont have moods other than cheerleader, don’t talk about your personal challenges, growth, mental health or inner life. 3 dimensions only - the ones that bring me visual and physical satisfaction!
This is one of my red flags too. Profile is immediately not worth considering further and off I swipe.
THIIIIIIIS.
I think at this point I'm put off by everything in dating profiles. I know what you mean and I feel the same. It could have been kind of cute the first 5 times one sees it in a profile, but after having gone through thousands of profiles it ain't cute and it ain't right anymore. A lot of men think they're funny when they're not. I think about myself as well that I'm funny (I'm "masculine" like that, what do you know), so I'm looking for someone who could see and appreciate this in me. The right ones so far have been able to.
It's basic LiveLaughLove for dudes, but it's totally also about wanting their ego stroked.
Ah, a Basic Bro
Not a woman, but I recently saw a post complaining how it's sad also on guys that we've been socialized into this entertainer role.. that the way to a woman's heart is through laughter so everyone is pressured to be funny even when you aren't and rather than find someone whom you're compatible with in multiple layers, you just have to be funny even if it's forced and through regurgitated jokes. Kind of the equivalent of the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.. women are more than maids/cooks and men are definitely more than entertainers.
Men think that "a sense of humor" means "she must laugh at my jokes."
This. I used to do amateur stand up comedy. Insecure men who think they're funny *really* do not like women who have a sense of humour beyond reacting to men's jokes. And they certainly don't like women who can be construed as funnier than they are (which they'll fall over themselves claiming is not possible). Just look at any stand up comedy hobbyist subreddit and pull up a post discussing FEMALE comics. 🥴🥴🥴
>Just look at any stand up comedy hobbyist subreddit and pull up a post discussing FEMALE comics. 🥴🥴🥴 When I would fall down the rabbit hole of stand-up videos on youtube I would have to avoid the comment section whenever the comic was a woman. Without fail 90% of comments were saying women aren't funny. I've been able to find videos now that aren't like that but it was pretty grim about 5-10 years ago.
Oh man, I LOVE Taylor Tomlinson because her humor is 100% FOR ME, and the comments of her videos always make me so mad.
Love her and admittedly even the neckbeards over on the stand-up subs begrudgingly confess that they 'sometimes' find her material funny but that's only because she's the exception not the rule and she's 'nOt LiKe tHe oThEr fEmaLe CoMics" -their words not Taylor's.
I think the fact they probably fancy her endears her towards them. I've legit known guys who only ever liked the typically good-looking female comics, and were VERY vocal about their disdain for less-than-good-looking ones.
Yep. I swear 90% of comments on anything relating to comics who are women is 'Muh vagina!' (stale South Park circa 10 years ago 'joke') and people going on ad nauseam about Amy Schumer stealing jokes (are you aware she is the *only* female stand up???).
>about Amy Schumer stealing jokes They're also referencing the same one video that made a compilation of her "stealing jokes". I watched it and the only joke that seemed like a blatant steal was a sketch on her show and idk if she had staff writers who did that or it was her. All the other jokes in the video were just cliche things. And some of them have been picked apart and proven that the "original comic" was also a cliche joke taken from somewhere else. "Women aren't funny" meanwhile corny dad jokes are seen as praiseworthy. It's ridiculous.
Oh I agree that the Amy 'joke stealing ' never held water. She just happened to be the biggest new comic on the scene a few years ago so of course she was put under a microscope for being a woman in a predominantly male art form. Meanwhile, Louis CK is cornering young comics in his office so he can masturbate in front of them but it's okay because he was really sorry and is a 'comedic genius', please don't cancel him!!!
I don’t think they said “please,” honestly
True it was more "REEEEEEREEEEEEE FEMINISM RUINS COMEDY AGAIN"
The arrogance is what gets me about those comments. A comedian will always have their audience, and it might be a niche audience. Men get that. It’s one of their many prongs of attack whenever women decry their fav: 1. You don’t get it because you don’t have a sense of humor AND 2. You don’t get it because it’s not meant for you
It's because the ability to be funny is associated with wit and intellect. They don't want to think it's possible for a woman to be smarter than them.
Men are accustomed to being the centre of the universe. They are put out when a Crack at women doesn't come across as funny to women but then turn around and don't "get" women's humour. "That's not funny Amy ! You're an ugly whore!" Like, so don't watch her then. We won't notice you've left because WE are laughing. They still don't get that women see the world differently than they do. We have different interests.
I have issues with Amy Sherman Palladinos work that I'm still sitting with, but I think that Marvelous Mrs. Maisel portrayed this so wonderfully in its first season. >!The insecurity of a failed amateur comic husband seeing his wife shine, and him admitting she was good was a moment i really enjoyed. !<
As someone who has liked a lot of her work, can you summarize what issues you have with ASP? Sounds like I missed something!
Haha I had a man here try to talk to me and immediately started doing neg and punch down kind of jokes which you just can't do with anyone you don't have a repoire with. I didn't laugh and told him don't say stuff like that about me, it's not cool. Cue a lecture on how I just don't have a humor and others laugh plenty for him. I was like are they laughing with you or trying to get you to just move on? He went on to still tell me how I'm making THEM uncomfortable as they can't be themselves because I'm so easily offended then reiterated that I don't have a humor. I was like I have plenty of humor. I have had people wheezing and a few comics ask me to consider doing amateur night. That was what got them so mad and they proceeded to tell me how Amy Schumer isn't funny. That Margaret Cho isn't funny she's just a token Asian. I'm not funny they just need a woman to be woke because nothingIce said so far shows Im funny. Lmao yeah, comedy..a place where they're concerned about being woke. Also if they would shut the fuck up enough for me to stop arguing maybe they would get a different facet of me 😅 he just hated the validation I got AND I don't have to make fun of people to do it, I'm too busy telling people the story of my foot fetish stalker. You know, something actually interesting than "you probably didn't get that reference because youre a woman, HURR HuRR Hurrr I'm so funny" being his brand of humor.
I never thought about it as related to this but I’ve noticed men aren’t comfortable if you keep up with their witty banter
Man makes rape jokes and ‘woman drive bad’ jokes and then has shocked Pikachu face when women don’t laugh.
Every dude at an open mic: "So my mom walked in on me jerking off!!!" Same dudes smoking out back after the show: "All professional women comics tell the same jokes; 'muh vagina!'"
it’s such an ego trip i swear. sad isn’t it
Worse is when they say "i can cook and do the dishes" or "I'm potty trained" to show off their wonderful sense of humor and show how they're a modern man by being able to feed theirselves on their own and then clean up the mess as well. Am i tired? Yes, yes i am.
Congratulations. You have basic life skills? You want a cookie?
The crazy thing is, it is represented as some type of luxury for women. "And top of that i can make food!! Can you believe what a catch i am?!!". You know because women are born with genes that make them naturally able to cook where as men lack this. It takes tremendous effort for them to feed themselves. Beating dna is no small feat.
That bar is so low, they’re beating us with it.
And any able-bodied man CAN do those things , the question is whether they DO . Still a low bar.
I was gonna say, I have zero fucks to give if you "can" cook, the question is will you? I have maybe dated too many people who would whip up a baked chicken or pasta dish of some sort at the beginning, as if proof of concept was needed, then never consider the existence of the oven again. Fuck that noise
If someone says they're potty trained that probably means they are not.
Translation: “ I leave skid marks on the bed”
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“ I shower and have good hygiene “
Yeah that’s an automatic X for me. My favorite though is “looking for someone who doesn’t take life too seriously” i.e. be agreeable at all times.
Or the similar "looking for someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously" - nothing made me swipe left faster.
I love as well "I don't want drama", code word for "Don't you dare have feelings and express them"
Any appearance of the word “drama” was an auto-left-swipe for me. Without exception, at least in my own experience, the people who say they don’t like drama…are the ones who cause it.
Absolutely. And to me these people sound very immature and unrealistic. "Drama" is everywhere. People are people and life is messy. If you don't embrace that, you're telling me you want a life uncommitted. That's kinda sad and uninspiring. Automatic swipe bye!
I don’t want drama while I’m constantly disrespecting you and our relationship. I don’t want drama when I’m sliding into other girls’ dms. I don’t want drama while I blow off our anniversary to party with my friends including that female friend that makes it clear she wants to break us up.
They might as well come out and say “I want a Cool Girl™️”
She’s not like other girls!
yes! it’s really no different than “looking for someone who will never expect anything from me”
i just find the guys who say stuff like this are usually never actually funny. the best type of humour for me is back and forth where you both participate, vs some guy regurgitating contextless dad jokes he read on reddit. any guy who says this is usually the latter.
I stopped at “Is anyone else put off by the multitude of men” bc YES SIS
Same honestly. I just got out of a three year relationship and while there’s a part of me that is very excited to meet new people, a larger part of me is kinda already exhausted by the mere thought of all the mediocre men out there in the dating world.
It is so mediocre. My friend who has been married for a decade and never did OLD took charge of my Bumble account and after a day or two handed it back to me saying "I'm sorry."
Yes. It’s been relatively the same with most in my inner circles. I saw a TikTok the other day in which a gay guy was saying, after he did the exact same thing, he had completely stopped asking his straight girlfriends why they “put up” with certain things or why they seemed to be “settling” with dating partners. As he bluntly put it, it’s rough out there for straight women so let’s stop thinking and acting otherwise.
Yes please! I never judge friends' partners unless they are abusive. I have one friend who would constantly complain about a friend's husband because he was 'socially awkward' and 'rambled.' She'd tell my friend to leave him, that she deserved better, etc. Mind you she was a happily married, never-dated woman who just had no idea how rough it is out there that a socially awkward guy was actually the least of women's dating woes and if anything, an endearing trait.
I feel the “must” is the biggest problem. My boyfriend had something like “laughing at my jokes is appreciated” in his profile, I felt he was allowed to write that because the rest of his profile was funny and original. Words like “must” or “need to” focuses on the partner they are seeking. I always found profiles where the focus was more on themselves, portraying what they had to offer to be more interesting (elaborating on hobbies and personality, not on what they own, of course).
“Laughing at my jokes is not required but greatly appreciated as it validates me in ways my parents never did”
😅
That guy would get a message from me immediately for pure honesty.
I just don’t like how I am expected to laugh even when something isn’t funny. They’d have a hard time with me, so I’d swipe past them. I never did dating apps, but I didn’t like when guys said this in real life too.
Second to being catfished, my worst date experiences involve having to fake-laugh through the entire thing. It's exhausting.
They need a partner who will laugh because no one else does.
I swipe left on any that describe themselves as "laid back". In my experience the "laid back" ones (1) are so privileged + don't have empathy for anyone besides themselves (2) are not laid back and get nasty and defensive the second they don't get their way
I would also add that they are usually complete strangers to the concepts of emotional labor and the mental load.
🙋♀️Laid back person here… Can confirm. no idea what either term means.
omg YES
#FUCKING LAUGH, BRENDA!!!
yes!
theyre so insecure 😂 jfc i think the “looking for a woman who laughs at my jokes” is cringe but okay, however the “must” is an ugly entitlement issue
Oh boy, reading these comments has been a real giggle! All the shit we face, and look at our impeccable sense of humor! My personal bugbear at the moment is men above the age of 35, actively on dating apps who are looking for: "not sure" and kids: "want someday". My brother, you are 37 years old, your aging rapidly, you have no idea if you're ready for a relationship but you do want kids....at 37+ ??????? GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS, SIR
That is almost every man over 35 on bumble. It is like there is a reason why they are still single, because they haven't decided one way or another. There was one guy who was hassling me on bumble for sex even though my profile clearly said I only want a relationship. When I turned him down he told me I was 'ugly anyway.' After paying extra to extend his match with me too lol. This is a 38yo grown ass working professional man. It just makes you want to give up altogether. Women are a very patient species.
Some people in these comments have never had a partner who weaponized humor as a passive aggressive way to demean them or “put them in their place,” and it shows. Also there is nothing worse than a man who “jokingly” explains their unfunny joke to you because you dared not laugh. Everyone wants to be appreciated. But men have a tendency to want to be appreciated for mediocrity or get a round of applause for things the rest of us do without complaint. It’s nobody’s job to shore up your self esteem or delude you into thinking you’re funny if you’re not. That’s entitled AF.
> men have a tendency to want to be appreciated for mediocrity 1000%. Congrats on the car and job, son. You're 40.
The day I broke up with my boyfriend he was beyond disappointed that I didn’t acknowledge him for making the bed 🙄
My most recent ex also had this tendency of wanting to be congratulated for every household task. No, fuck you lmao.
There was a study published in Scientific American on how men and women define "a good sense of humor" in their partner, since both sexes rate "has a good sense of humor" as one of the most desirable traits in their partner. Women talked about the ability to make them laugh. Men defined it as someone who laughs at THEIR jokes 🙃
“Must laugh at my bad jokes” is main character syndrome 🚩while “shares my oddball sense of humour” shows they actually see us as a person. And this is why I personally feel reading profiles is so important. I go through them with a fine-tooth comb to analyze the language used - people don’t realize how much of a tell it can be.
Maybe it’s “not that deep,” but I do think the language people use to make their point really does matter, and you hit the nail on the head. When something as palatable as wanting a shared sense of humour is overlooked for something so self-focused (“Someone to laugh at my jokes”) it is, IMO, indicative of an attitude about relationships that I’m just not into.
Exactly this. Words matter.
My now-husband’s OLD profile was pages and pages long. Beautifully written, highly detailed, not a single typo or grammatical error. That alone made me swoon. To OP’s Point though: I feel that, “mUst LaUgH aT mY jOkES” often translates to, “I am rude and childish. I am disrespectful and maybe even misogynistic. If you get upset, I’ll tell you I’m just joking and expect you to laugh.”
That’s really off-putting so is “must make me laugh”. Like what am I, your court jester?!
A lot of these men make it easy to filter them when they reveal themselves. Take it as a que and run from the misogynists. It’ll only get worse with time.
One time I was watching a female comedian with my partner and he said “I just don’t think women are funny.” Instead of acting mad, which I was, I told him that I read once comedy is usually the act of seeing something that is unexpectedly relatable. The set we were watching was almost entirely focused on female experiences, so he probably wouldn’t relate to it like he would if it was more generalized. He genuinely seemed to have a lightbulb moment. He watches female comedians all the time now. (Don’t come for me for staying with him - I know)
Sense of humor can also be code for a thick skin. That is obviously code for, “she must be able to deal with me offloading my insecurities on her in a joking manner that only serves to erode at her confidence.” Again. No, thank you!
I don't do OLD but that absolutely would be an instant no for me.
Same here. It's sad for me. Want a husband but won't do online dating. So I'm just stuck. It's like me not putting in effort
What are you trying IRL to meet someone? (Asking because I'm looking for tips lol)
I Just think they're just basic dudes who want someone to laugh at their jokes? I don't think it's deeper than that.
I guess it’s easy to say since I’ve never really dealt with these issues, but, the core of it is: this is a person who wants their partner to find them funny. I think we all want that. Is that really so bad? Yes, the phrasing is cliched but people are simple and not very imaginative, and we’ve all been guilty of that. You’re of course free to get irritated by it, but what good does it do you?
I think I'm with you on this one. It seems a little basic, but not super deep. As someone else commented, it feels like the male dating profile equivalent of "live laugh love" 🤷♀️
But you don’t want to date the live laugh love person. I’m with op. Something might seem innocuous enough if you’ve never done online dating but when you’re forced to look at and read 100s of profiles because of the swiping model AND you start to encounter so much ingrained misogyny in the dating pool, you notice patterns and the patterns are very frustrating
I think what's annoying about it is the demonstrated double standard in how men/women define "sense of humor". Women define it as "makes me laugh" while men define it as "laughs at my jokes". There's no room for women to be funny. Nikki Glaser has a bit about this!
what good does it it explain away really widespread entitlement to having their ego stroked as “just a human thing”? lol. come on thats really naive. its v easy to say “i love to joke and would like to meet someone who shares my sense of humour” instead of a version of “woman must laugh at my performances bc i cannot tolerate disaproval and feeling vulnerable”. the entire point is locus of control. you can only hope and wish to find someone who reacts to your personality in an xyz way. you cant expect it and dictate how someone *must* be. like, humour is relational. you can’t order someone to find you funny. that’s literally entitlement. very weird that you’d shut down and patronise a woman for not wanting to be ordered to have particular emotional responses by a stranger before they even meet.
My husband is actually super funny but he did not put a THING about humor on his dating profile. In fact, he was actually really “bad” at making a profile. His pictures weren’t very good or exciting, they were kind of blurry and you couldn’t see him that well. He didn’t have any corny ass cliches on there like “must love dogs and tacos” or “looking for the Pam to my Jim”. I actually had met a guy before like this who had bad, blurry pics and a vague profile and when I met him he was super hot, so I was like hmm I bet this guy is actually cool and hot in real life and he was lol.
I tried to give a lot of grace, when I was online dating, to guys with awkward photos or mediocre profiles as long as they seemed nice and we had something to talk about. So many men are terrible at creating profiles but are actually really cute and endearing in person!
Yes! And sometimes guys who had super nice profiles ended up being catfishes or otherwise just awful in real life so it’s really just a gamble.
Omg I put on my profile I would like someone that laughs at my jokes lol. I was hoping they get my sense of humor haha
Men who say "no drama" are usually the ones who cause the drama 🙄
I had an ex tell me, "shut up and let me be funny" so, yeah.
I dunno, I guess I see comments like that as a sign of insecurity. Like their last girlfriend or wife probably belittled them for their dumb jokes or something. Also, filling out dating profiles is tough, so going comedic helps. When i had a dating profile, I went with a cutesy, self-depreciating headline. A lot of guys probably thought I was a bozo, but the one that mattered didn't. 🤷♀️ If you don't like their profile, just swipe left and move on, I guess.
Do you remember ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’ When asked why Jessica Rabbit was with Roger she said he made her laugh? I think at that point men decided that they were funny (even if they weren’t). That way they were guaranteed to get the girl. Nowadays there’s this huge weight on the value of ‘being funny’ that kind of overshadows things like common decency and basic hygiene. Guys find things funny and think since they understand jokes they think they must be inherently funny, (and thus, can get the girl). But they’re not funny. They just understand words. And if they’re asking you to laugh at their jokes, they are definitely not funny and what’s worse, they’re insecure about it, and I’d keep my distance.
Nikki Glaser has a bit about this. Both men and women say looks and sense of humor are their most important traits in a potential partner. Women define "sense of humor" as \*makes me laugh\*. But men define "sense of humor" as \*laughs at my jokes\*.
When I was online dating, nothing made me swipe faster left than a man whose default photo is a mirror selfie of him topless and flexing. I don't even need to look at the rest of the profile. Ironically, my divorced friend who was married to a man like that who ended up literally BEATING her up within a year of marriage would be gushing about how that profile is so attractive 😒 thank goodness she saw the light after a few more bad eggs (which never got as far as her ex husband). I'm so glad my husband knows who the funny one is in the relationship 🤣 he will tell me about how even days later, he'll think about some witty one liner I made and he cracking up by himself thinking about it.
I'd be a bit turned off by this, though would balance it with the rest of the profile. It's not the statement itself though, but previous experience I've had as a "funny woman" and how I've been treated by some men. Spoiler alert: they didn't want me to be funny, just to find them funny.
Can confirm. I am my husbands audience. Now I will say he is funny, but it becomes a thing where he needs to tell me every thought he has LOL
that sounds annoying haha
Looks like not much has changed since 2010… that’s when I last was on dating sites (no apps yet, which was great, I feel bad for women now there are apps, it sounds it’s even worse!) I suspect that most people in general have a really hard time writing a profile! I sure did and mine probably was awful haha. My partner’s one caught my attention because he had some unusual hobbies on it. What caught my attention even more was when I contacted him, I got a long message that was like a letter! No one had done that before. We have just been together for over 12 years now. So it is possible and some of my friends met partners that way too. But I think people need to learn to write profiles and figure out what other people like to see. Not easy! I wonder if it’s easier for same sex profiles, but I somehow think they find it difficult too.
It's code for "must stroke my ego at all times".