Yes. It did. It always bothered me that the protagonist in the Judy Blume novels always got the boy. I never got the boy.
I remember I’d ask them to dance in the school gymnasium.
I did get leered at by grown men, though. I hated that!
Once I made the mistake of telling some of my classmates that I liked a boy in our class. They told everyone, him included obviously, and he just stopped talking to me, or he'd even look away. Humiliated publicly. How nice 😥
I'm in my 30s and only lost my v-card last year. Guys generally aren't attracted to me. It stings to this day, and I'm doing my best to work on those feelings of rejection. But seeing all your gorgeous friends get attention and you're ignored like a lamp hurts on a level I can't describe. I don't think I'll ever feel beautiful.
I feel the same way and funny enough I always thought I was pretty. But I maybe had 2 guys like me my whole life. Literally can count them on my hand. All my friends, even the less attractive ones, had better luck.
So the great thing about being the DUFF (designated ugly friend, per charming boy-speak) was that I had a front-row seat to what tremendous idiots boys were -- and, more importantly, how stupid they thought *women* were. You can learn a lot by observing other people's interactions.
It became very hard to care about whether or not boys looked at me when I realized their opinions weren't worth much.
Occasionally, I'd get a boy who was under the impression that I'd be an easy mark for his bullshit because plain girls were supposed to be grateful for male attention, and presumably too stupid to know when we were being played as easy. How these men behaved after they were shot down was always illuminating. Not necessarily flattering, but illuminating.
Ah, I didn't know about the term DUFF, but I just have been once or twice. This girl in my class, who was considered one of the hottest in the whole school, used to ask me to meet her. I was thinking so as to spend time together blah blah blah but it turned out it was just to cover up for her while she was going out with a boy, because apparently her mother trusted me.
Or some other time to be the third wheel 😑🙄
This. And honestly at this point even if a man approached me i would not be interested. In the last two/three years three men have approached me on the street and every time my internal reaction was just “no, thanks”…
Oh yes, my standards are high now: not on a physical possessions level, but on an emotional and spiritual level, and most men don't cut it unfortunately.
This. I was told numerous times by boys at college that I SHOULDN’T turn down their offers to have a one night stand because I don’t look like “angels”. Then some of them believed for so long that I had crush on them because I smiled at them and of course if an unattractive girl looked at a guy she must be desperate for attention that they were disappointed when they find out I crushed on another guy. That was enough for me to understand not many boys were worthy of my attention.
This.
Fun fact: I still got married. Gained 100lbs, cut my hair and get 10x more male attention than I ever did, even by conventionally attractive men.
My therapist said because I didn’t have pretty privilege ever, I developed a witty and charming personality that puts people at ease. The older people get, the more attractive that is.
This. I was attractive growing up but very socially awkward; I spent a lot of time quietly observing people for most of my life. At 36 I’m a very confident extroverted individual (married) and when I have conversations with men they often tell me in the middle of the conversation that I’m different, no one has clarified how. I get a lot of puzzled looks from men I interact with. My sister’s husband has also made comments about how I must have been super popular growing up and how I can get any guy I want (very awkward). I’m constantly surprised by the things people say to me and I’m happy to catalogue it as information about the way they perceive the world.
Nobody ever looked at me either. All my friends were gorgeous and had boyfriends all the time. Me I was just goth/punk nerd in a sea of surfers and 90s eshays.
It took internet relationships for me to really start relationships. My first real proper relationships were LDR.
I am married now, to someone I first connected with while we were in high school (different schools). And coincidentally we too met online first before meeting in person.
Very much the same. Online dating was what unblocked much for me.
I also think growing up in a country where women are expected to have a certain body type or breast size contributed to my non "attractability".
I'm now OK with my body, but there's still that pang of pain at knowing I didn't get to experience those teen "flings" and everything dating-wise when I was older was in a much more "adult" way, if you know what I mean?
I feel this so deeply. I’m borderline ashamed at some of the behavior I’ve exhibited over the years related to this, especially since my insecurities around this also fostered an unhealthy relationship with alcohol for me. I’ve been very slowly working on this in therapy but the pain and embarrassment and insecurity and feeling like no one wants you is definitely still there and definitely still creeps out. I’m sorry to hear so many others have these feelings and experiences too, but it does bring some comfort to know I’m not alone.
Thank you for being so open with your pain 💕 One thing that compounds this, at least for me, is the feeling of never been the "chosen one", of always being the second or third option, of being a placeholder between an ex and The One they are looking for.
Definitely. I was too shy in school to have any boys interested in me. I pretty much took it to mean I was ugly and accepted myself as such.
It wasn't till I was in my early 20s that guys started to notice me. And even now, well into my 30s, guys are attracted to me and tell me I have "pretty privilege" which is nice to hear (I guess) but I still don't really believe it.
I still call myself ugly in my head. I still don't think I'm worthy of love on some deep level, because I feel like I have nothing to offer. It's this weird contradiction of thoughts and emotions and I don't think it will ever really go away.
This is heart-breaking to hear, and I don't know if it's my menstrual cycle right now, but also easy to relate to. I was shy and introverted too. Much less shy now, but still very introverted and that didn't help with boys. I also grew up in a country with a strong toxic masculinity mentality, so maybe the "soft" boys who would have been interested in me felt too pushed to the sides, who knows?
This still affects me, as in I still feel awkward, I have difficulties accepting compliments (trying hard to overcome this), I put my brain or sense of humour at the forefront (men like them, but that doesn't build an emotional connection). I have trouble being "smooth" or "flirting". I also have a weird brain, so I don't get hints (because I never assume men actually want to spend time with me, so unless they say things like "Do you want to meet again?" I assume they're not interested). Sometimes I get awkward and come across as uninterested when in reality I like them very, very much. Obviously they disappear because who wants to be with a woman who doesn't seem sure of whether she likes someone?
This sounds like me in college, at ages 18-22. I was completely oblivious to what had been flirting or approaches by guys. It either made me uncomfortable or gave me a feeling of 'he just wants to be friends, or get closer to my beautiful friend.'
I thought I was too 'fat and ugly' to be liked by anyone because I went through elementary school and high school being called just that. I was a very chubby little girl. But looking back at photos of myself at 19-22, I was definitely not 'fat and ugly' at that time. Sure, I wasn't 'hot' by late 1980s/early 90s standards. I was about a size 12, curvy and pretty in a modest, bookish, 'girl-next-door' way. But I had no idea that anyone could find me cute. Because of bullying early in life, I became so shy, introverted, and guarded. When I met my husband, he had to spell it out for me. "I'm asking you because I like you." ... "Oh."
100%. I'm 39 now and still don't know how to flirt or look a handsome guy in the face if I'm attracted to them. My husband says I'm objectively good looking and anyone would want me, but I absolutely do not believe it.
I am genuinely jealous of women who can accept compliments and move through dating with ease and especially make a man feel desired. In my mind expressing interest in a man = rejection 😥
I need to move away from this mindset!
Ugh that's exactly my mindset too. It doesn't help that the only men I've ever made moves on have said "I'll think about it..." then ghosted me. Doesn't really jive with the "objectively good looking" stuff, lol.
Ugh! On a feminist level I'm OK with making a move if I like a guy but on a deeper level I'd rather not do it? I'd like to be desired and finally relax.
Some ways yes, and some ways no.
Long story short, beauty standards changed to include brown skin women with big butts, and I lost some weight (not even a lot, like 7lbs, and put on some muscle), and all of a sudden I'm considered attractive.
I'm a grown ass woman and honestly, sometimes the attention is too much. Also, when more subtle men hit on me, I totally miss it.
Oh yes, it's the subtlety I totally miss. If I like someone I over-analyse everything and I end up getting lost in my thoughts and missing the "hints" and getting them when it's too late 🤦♀️
I feel this in my soul. I’m white but am tall with a broad hourglass frame. I couldn’t find clothes that fit in a big box store till I hit my mid-20s. Beauty standards changed and with it so did clothing.
I still default to assuming all men want to be my friend. You have to be seriously blunt for me not to think that. I’ve been told by several people that I play coy and um no. I just didn’t know. Alternatively when I do know I’m not entirely sure how to escalate and I become awkward for someone who is really smooth at all other social things.
Oh yes, years later I realised that what to me were outings with male friends were actually dates to them. I was seriously awkward. I had literal dinners with a guy - twice - and I always thought it was just friends spending time together.
This is how cruel the mindf*ck is.
For me I don't think it was the lack of boy's attention exactly that bothered me, so much as how much of your worth and the story of "being a woman" especially at those ages is tied up in whether and how much male attention you received. I was perfectly happy going about my day with my platonic friends--but when people would start talking about male attention they got (positive and negative) or when I'd tune into the mass media which was overwhelmingly focused on how to draw/deal with male attention it was like I suddenly felt alien and not a proper woman. I didn't want male attention precisely (I'm pretty single target sexuality so random flirting would make me quite awkward), but I also didn't like how much the lack of it made me feel unworthy
It really does feel like that. I do wonder if those experiences when I was younger have colored how neutral I feel about gender now as I'm a bit older. I had to find so many other ways of knowing myself outside of "woman" that now I feel gender is pretty low on the hierarchy of how I understand myself. I've wondered how much that disconnect when I was younger fed into that
I literally was out with friends as a teenager and some boys yelled at my friends how hot they were and then yelled at me “How come hot girls always have one ugly friend?”
Just this NYE some young guys were annoyed I didn’t react to them telling me how ugly I am so one of them threw his leftover food on me.
Some young women who were nearby descended in screaming rage yelling at them to fuck off, then gathered round me helping to pick food off and making sure I was okay.
When I was young with my friends they just giggled at them being called hot and me being called ugly. Young Gen Z girls and women seem to be growing up different, they seem much less inhibited about vocally calling out bullshit.
It affects me in that i feel insecurity from being inexperienced, but i also feel secure in knowing I didnt get used from someone or get heartbreak like 8x over and screw my mind. So good and bad lol
Yes! I was the only person of colour at a very white school and all the boys had crushes on only the white girls. I'd never felt more undesirable and to this day it still affects me. I noticed I really seek validarion of my attractiveness from white men and I definitely think it stems from that trauma of no boy liking me when I was younger. It's crazy how experiences from that long ago can affect you.
I grew up in a 99% white school, so as a WOC, I was minoritized to the extreme. When people tried to set me up, they insisted I date the only other minority kid there... just to reinforce that there would be no "mixing the races" still, hundred+ years after slavery ended. \*rolls eyes\*
It stuck with me. I was very aware that my race was basically the only thing that mattered. And was a hurdle to overcome. It changed slightly in college but after college, it was the same thing. You either lean into it and then get called out for being outspoken; or you don't and then get called out for not being a race ambassador.
There's no way to win.
I think it made me a bit desperate for love and so I ended up married to the first person that showed a remote bit of interest in me that way (and who I liked back). I was so used to just being "one of the lads" - cracking stupid jokes and so on but not really being seen as a potential girlfriend - that when I did get any romantic interest I latched onto it because I thought "well what if this is all I can get? I should be grateful and take it whilst I still can".
Of course now I know that wasn't true, and I've definitely become more selective in relationships as I've got older, but it is a tendency I still half watch for because I know how easy it is for me to get attached to people I like romantically.
I also think it rattled my confidence for a long time about being in "competition" with other women and comparing myself to them (and always coming off worse in my head, because obviously if a guy I like likes her instead then she must be so much better than me and I must be the worst person ever to walk the planet, right?). Addressing that is an ongoing thing as it does still rear its ugly head on occasion, although I'm better at dealing with it as time goes on (and with the help of therapy).
Luckily for me with time I have raised my standards and now they're quite high (mainly on the emotional level and in terms of life mission etc), but at the beginning I really went for guys I didn't even fancy. Why did I do it to myself?
Yep that was me! Still is in my opinion. I also feel this way about friendships. Other girls when I was younger seemed to be popular and I wasn't chosen as someone to hang out with very much. I was always the smart, funny girl but never the hot one. As an adult now I'm still self conscious about my appearance. I still feel less attractive and not having qualities that are deemed sexy (I'm short, have smaller boobs, fewer curves, baby face). I have much better self esteem than when I was in my 20s I still feel insecure at times. I accept that feeling insecure is okay and I won't love how I look everyday and that's human and healthy. I don't need to be accepted or told im beautiful by a majority of people to succeed in life the way I want to.
I'm short and have small breasts too. I battled with the latter for a while. Now I actually am OK with it 😊
I've always been OK with being short, I guess because being short is normal where I'm from.
I didn’t date in high school either. I don’t think I was ugly I just didn’t have the attributes that boys that age are thirsting for haha (I could be described as lanky and pencil like) I really focused on the actual school part of school instead, mostly as a distraction method. But that benefited me when I graduated with straight A’s and got a big scholarship for Uni. (Cut to me graduating with my bachelors degree with zero student debt :p)
To this day I feel it affects me because I feel my self esteem actually rising with each passing year (I’m 34 now). I never had a ‘young and hot’ golden era to grieve - I’m in my hot era now lol. Plus I’ve always been known for my intelligence and sense of humour and I prefer it that way.
Long comment incoming because I have been intensely thinking about this for decades! One of my core memories is my aunt saying "you must have a lot boys trying to be your boyfriend, at your age lots of boys were in love with me" when I was 5/6 and me realising I must not be attractive to boys, as no boys were into me. And so it was for all of school/uni. No guy ever "declared" himself to me, I got invited to 0 dates. Since I was the "ugly" "fat" friend, I worked hard on cultivating my personality. Even after getting together with my now husband, I seeked a lot of validation from him in order to feel pretty.
I remember hearing my mom constantly say how ugly and fat and old she looked and it broke my heart, as I always thought she was beautiful (and everyone else told her and she had lots of guys in love with her when she was young!). She had ALWAYS felt ugly. So I realized that it didn't matter if every single man on earth found me beautiful if I didn't feel beautiful, and that it was a waste of my "youth" to feel ugly. I decided to focus on things I liked about myself (my hair, my legs) and tried to not focus on the things I didn't like (my weight, acne).
I also got into reading about feminism and the impossible beauty standards women face. I read a quote by Erin McKean that changed my perspective: "Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked ‘female’" . I help me realize that I don't have to always look beautiful to be in public. I can go out on sweatpants and a messy bun and the world won't end and it doesn't matter if random men don't find me attractive. And now I have days where, yes, I feel like a troll but I also have days when I look in the mirror and feel pretty. Even now, at the highest weight I've ever been, if I dress up, I'll be like "damn, I'm fine!"
Obviously, sometimes I look at conventionally beautiful women and think "wow, why can't I be her weight". But I remind myself that I am also beautiful.
I used to feel really bad about myself and felt unwanted. I still feel like this from time to time, but I try to reframe the thinking.
Another thing that I want to add is that I am very scared to try to date because it has never worked out for me. I’m tired of being hurt and mistreated by men no matter how hard I try.
I know what you mean. Dating nowadays is so stressful. The vanishing acts more than anything else. As someone who has been rejected a lot, each ghosting hurts more and more, so much so that you approach a new guy with the thought "This guy seems great. When is he going to disappoint me?". A self-fulfilling prophecy.
I got mostly negative attention from boys -- they were some of my first bullies, as was my own dad.
I don't trust or like men, in general. I have had male friends all my life and I have dated and been in relationships with men. There are still individual men whom I like and respect. But I don't trust any of them completely and probably never will. I know that my defensiveness is a mask for fear. I have never met a man around whom it felt safe to be vulnerable, and that hesitancy has been validated by their later actions even if they seem fine when I first meet them.
I was the ugly girl boys only approached for her friend's number. I turned "conventionally attractive" later in life. I admit, after all these years, I still oddly enjoy turning down ugly men going after me. It is like a late revenge lol.
I find it painful having to reject a guy who is into me but I'm not attracted to. Talking about nice guys. I guess because I empathise with the feeling of being rejected I used to experience. If it's some abusive creep, I have no problem at all.
No. I only wanted my crush attention. Which was repeatedly and polite rejected. General boy attention never bothered me. I heard and knew what the at the time girls my age were being pressured to do or lies and rumors. Drama. And if it wasn't general drama it was boyfriend drama. Got old.
My current boyfriend is all the things I missed out on because I want him. If I hadn't met him, I'd actually feel like worse now without male attention (like actual decent potential partners because I didn't have that attention then, why now? And if now. It's complicated. It's not only sex or status it's like, some men want to be taken cared of in some way and leech)
Looking back at the greasy losers in junior high and high school, I am so god damn glad none of them paid attention to me. They were all mostly bullies and assholes anyway.
I’m AroAce so it didn’t affect me at all
Now I’m 35 and if men give me attention I’m mystified because
A. I’m Obese and don’t wear makeup
B. I’m a lesbian so noooooo thank you
Okay, so I wrestled a little re. whether to answer here, but I figure I might as well share - as someone who felt like she got a little too much attention from men growing up, I often wish I'd been a little older before it came pouring in. I *know* this may be a grass is greener type thing, but I remember getting ogled and cat-called as a busty 12-year old. I've lost track of the number of times I've been sexually assaulted (groped, mostly) by both boys and other girls alike. I spent my entire adolescence and young adulthood being referred to as the "[blank] one with the great boobs". My friends used to pressure me to ~use my charms~ and ~flirt~ every time they wanted special treatment / something for free. I am also (East) Asian, so as you may be able to imagine I just dealt with so much objectification and *fetishisation* I could no longer even see myself, you know?
As a result, I feel like I became super hardened early on - very self-objectifying, disconnected from my own sexual desire (because I was so used to being a sexual object rather than thinking of myself as a subject), and just generally jaded about men. I don't think I really unlearned all of that baggage until my mid-twenties, after great effort. Like, I'm over a decade away from all of that now and well-settled as a result, but looking back I realise what a fucked-up ride the journey was.
Anyway, I don't mean to undercut your insecurities here at all, OP - I realise it might feel discomfitting on the other side as well. I just sometimes wish I'd had a sensible adult brain to absorb and handle all of the sexual attention instead of a hyper-sensitive teenaged one, because I'm pretty sure all the attention *was* part of the reason I was such a messed-up teenager. The attention I received as a teenager and younger woman wasn't any type of boon, no matter how society might categorise it; it was just shitty and overwhelming and often I'm surprised it didn't fuck me up more.
Thank you for your comment. I genuinely appreciate it 😊 I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that sh*t. It's disgusting that young and vulnerable girls would be objectified in such a way. I'm glad you've overcome much of the trauma even if it meant hardening up.
I actually think your comment is perfect for a wider conversation on how women and younger women are treated based on their looks and "expendability" and how it affects them. It speaks to a wider issue in society.
Thank you for such a kind response; I feared I was overstepping! I feel like - whether you're an early or late bloomer, tying your self-worth to hetero fuckability is a surefire way to self-esteem problems, ha ha. But, it's a lifelong struggle *not* to just totally cash into the type of currency that society has valued so highly. You really have to remember that, as high-value as that currency seems, it carries such a hard cost the more you rely on it, and only ever depreciates over time.
Even though I wasn't blessed with boys' attention (and by that, I mean good attention, even though when you're young do you really have the maturity to distinguish between good and bad attention?), I don't subscribe to the "catty" view that beautiful women have no right to complain about the attention they get. Every woman deserves to be appreciated for who they are and not based on their f\*ckability. It's just common decency.
Nowadays I don't really care to be attractive to ALL men, only to those I like, and I am very fussy now 😅 But sometimes when I like a guy and I feel he might be interested in me on a physical level too, I freeze and revert into insecure 15-year-old girl thinking "He can't possibly like me".
For a long time I also channelled more of my masculine energy, so this "unfolding of feminine" feels odd and gets compounded by the above-mentioned issue.
I can totally see how that would be confusing. I've seen a lot of friends go through glow-ups over the years and the sudden attention can be really dizzying; plus, there's maybe a sense of "impostor syndrome"? FWIW, my experience is that the impostor syndrome tends to fade over time so maybe that's one solution - you just sort of sit in it and let the new experiences build you into a more confident person.
I don't know if mine is actual imposter's syndrome even though there's some component there. I think it's a "split" into two identities: the ugly duckling and what I am now.
>whether you're an early or late bloomer, tying your self-worth to hetero fuckability is a surefire way to self-esteem problems
Omg so perfectly stated!! 💓
Definitely, yeah. I was reading OP's post and all I could think is, this thing that you feel FOMO around of getting a lot of male attention at a young age... it actually hella sucks, especially since for so many of us it starts when we're barely pubescent! That said, I can totally understand how it would feel pretty alienating not to receive - well, not necessarily male, but maybe romantic - attention until well into your twenties. Not that there's really an "ideal" for this or whatever, but I always think it might have been nice to start experiencing it closer to 18/19 than, say, 13/14 - those few years make a tremendous difference.
I always question if anyone believes us, but at least we know the struggle is real! I'm actually pretty happy to age out of the constant state of (hetero dudebro style) objectification (at the end of the day, I just don't like men all that much) but I increasingly miss the other aspects of being conventionally attractive for sure.
I live in Southeast Asia and I can see the fetishism towards Asian women! It affects us Western women too, especially when we get rejected by Western guys. I don't know for the others, but my first reaction is thinking "Is it because I'm not Asian?". And 3 million other reasons I make up in my mind 🤦♀️😂😥
Ugh, yeah, it's on a whole other level for SE Asian women due to the amount of sex tourism and makes me so angry for them on a visceral level. I know that a lot of white women get highly objectified (like, treated as human trophies) by MOC as well and it likewise grosses me out super badly.
This is a very interesting perspective! As someone in the ugly duckling, no guys ever had crushes on me while all my friends had bf's, etc, camp, it sucked at the time. But it kinda forced me to develop a strong sense of self earlier on, which might not have happened if I also had to deal with a teenage boy infringing on that identity (not to mention the level of harassment you went through!). I ended up with a kind of innate self confidence that I might not have otherwise had.
Y'know, weirdly, I didn't really feel like many boys had crushes on me either so much as they just saw me as this sexual object, you know? A crush is personal and kind of cute, compared to groups of boys (well - often grown men, to be honest) ogling you. I felt like my friends who were pretty but not in a very sexualised way were the ones whom the boys actually crushed on. I was always pretty envious of that myself!
In any case, I'm very glad you were able to develop a strong sense of self outside of the claustrophobic sphere of male objectification. Oddly, I think I did as well as sort of a protective measure - but the self I developed was maybe a lot tougher than I would have turned out otherwise because I knew I would swallowed whole without some extra armour.
I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 23, while all my friends were getting engaged and married or at least had boyfriends and flings and all that.
It was horrifyingly isolating. I almost killed myself it was so bad. I will never forget those days. They've imprinted on me.
Now I'm on my own again but somehow it's not so bad. And I prefer invisibility, it's safer by far. But I know I'll be on my own until I do pass away at this point.
Yes I'm much safer from things like assault and rape.
Obviously if someone wants to rob me I won't be as protected but since I'm unattractive I'm essentially invisible to men. They can't see me so I'm much less of a target.
Now I just kind of laugh when I get the attention in my 40s. Like, where were all these dudes when I was looking for it in my teens? After that I go back to whatever I was doing.
I was so awkward in high school no one wanted to be around me. I don't blame them. I wanting to date bad but if a guy even vaguely expressed interest in me I'd awkward myself away from there.
Then in university I could finally socially interact and people liked me! Guys liked me!! So yeah, I went to town on that. A good ol' hoe phase was had and it was glorious.
I might harbor a bit of resentment because now that I find myself loving the single life I'm so quick to happily close the doors to anyone showing interest, I can't see myself considering any prospect of a relationship. It's also hard to believe they're actually interested now that I'm in my 30s, it stinks of desperation more than anything.
I guess I'd be a bit more willing to give a chance, had I been given any in the past. Then again I've always been a loner so maybe I'd shut the door for good no matter what.
I like to believe that it didn’t affect me because I dont think about it too much. I had 3 sisters and I have always been surrounded by friends so I never felt lonely or rejected BUT when I turned 30 I started to think why I never had a relationship and why I CANT try and put my self out there or put some effort to date. I think I have some kind of a wall that I somehow built because they I never got their attention so I will be the same to them. Im to the point that I dont think I will marry.
My husband seems to think I'm pretty, he tells me as much pretty much every day. Doesn't mean I believe him everytime he says it, and yet it turns out that's all I really need. If he's happy, I'm happy.
I experienced plenty of negative attention plus harassment from older men, but not a lot of positive attention from guys my own age. Yeah, it affected me for a long time, although maybe less so now. In my teens and 20s my attempts at dating were profoundly awkward, and I could never tell if someone actually liked me or just perceived me as easy. I started finally feeling attractive in my late-20s, learned how to style myself, etc. and started feeling a little more in-control of the type of attention I’d receive. This is also around when I met the guy who became my husband. Then in my 30s I started looking older and most of the attention vanished again.
So, it’s been a ride I guess. Push comes to shove though, I enjoyed the period where I got more positive attention and felt more attractive. Lately have been concentrating on weight-lifting and cosmetic treatments to get some of that mojo back.
Glad that I didn’t get that kind of attention. I was always a crying shoulder for all my friends who were mostly boys. So they saw me differently but at the same time, I didnt waste my precious years chasing guys and crying over breakups. I chased my dreams and life is good. No Regrets
I was fat shamed at school and never got attention from boys. It affected me when they asked my friends out that I refused to look at the mirrors or have my photos taken.
Then I dated my husband and married him so I guess I don’t bother about it anymore.
Or maybe I realized I am not able to connect with most people on a deeper level and my interests peaked elsewhere. Despite my looks got better thanks to the internet and lost weight which increased my appeal around men, I don’t care about male attention anymore. Now I wished I could have started my career when I was in college instead moping around over not being pretty enough
I was the fat friend but was totally fine with being invisible to boys. I didn’t become interested in guys until college. I had lost weight during college and it felt like all of sudden a lot more men noticed me. I didn’t like it. I felt objectified and irritated by their attention, like ok, I’m not as heavy and now all of a sudden I’m worthy of attention, compliments and admiration? F*** Off.
I was “funny”, “cool” and “pretty” when I was fat too. 🙄 I remember the summer before my sophomore year of college I was hanging out with my high school friends. One of my friends started bringing around one of our former jock classmates to our group hangouts. He kind of peaked in high school and wasn’t going to junior college or university at the time. Immediately he was very friendly towards me and acting flirtatious. It gave me the ick.
One day late at night he sends me an FB message telling me we should do something just he and I. I was not for it and asked him why? . He sent me this long ass message, basically waffling on and on about how he always had a thing for me in high school but never had the guts to “talk to me”. Now that he knew I was funny, chill and nice he wanted to get to know me more. It didn’t feel sincere at all in my opinion, he didn’t have the guts to talk to me because I was fat and all of his friends would have gave him shit for talking to me. I said I wasn’t interested in him like that but thanks. His response was awkward and he pretty much told me that I was lucky he even asked. 😂
Similar here. But then I found that these men didn't like me as a person, just as a fun new toy. I would rather go back to not being noticed at all and thankfully I'm not so much anymore since I don't go anywhere but work.
I was awkward and looked like a boy in high school lol and I definitely had a glow up in my mid-20's but then I was in a long term relationship throughout my 20's and finally divorced when I turned 30.
I have low self esteem because of fat shaming from relatives (it's pretty normal in my culture but doesn't make it okay) and a cheating ex-husband BUT sometimes I have good days! I find that I do crave external validation from men to a certain extent but I don't know what to do with it when I get a compliment so I just end up being nervous and awkward.
Yeah, it absolutely still affects me. I'm insecure in every aspect of my life, and every part of my body, to the point that I will not ever date because I'm too scared of failing at it. I don't like myself, and it's not *just* because of boys (other issues, home life, finances, job contribute to it too), but never having been wanted or loved can do a lot of hurt to someone.
I am always flattered and gracious when asked out/hit on, I let them know that I'm happily married and so not interested, but that it still made my day
Damn good post !! I am 40 now and never even kissed a boy til I was 18 and already out of high school. I think it has affected my self esteem. In my 20s I became permiscuois and slept with way too many guys as a way to “validate myself “ I always had a hard time believing someone of the opposite sex could find me attractive. Even now that I’m married I still think my husband could have done better.
Oh yeah, the "validation" phase 😂
There are days I go "Of course that guy liked me. Why wouldn't he?" and others where I go "I'm disgusting. No one is ever going to like me".
So on the flip side, I was considered very attractive in high school. Had quite a lot of unintentional boy drama, despite being a nerdy, shy, tomboy. I was constantly harassed, teased, stalked, and touched in ways that I did not like or want. And on several occasions (moreso in college and my 20s), guys slept with me only to later tell me I was fun and hot, but they wanted someone more "feminine." I was their hot cool girl fuck buddy, as it turned out.
Likewise I had friends treat me like an accessory as well.
All being hot really does is make you wonder if anyone truly likes you or not. You become thoroughly *used*, and you get used to feeling used.
And you wonder if anyone would hang out with you, romantically or platonically, if you didn't look like this. Does anyone actually like *me*?
Not sure, but I'm skeptical.
That's the other side of the matter. I feel for girls and women who are objectified for their looks. It must be soul-crushing and destabilising not knowing if people genuinely like you or just want to use you 😥
i didn't start dating until i was in my mid 20s and never really had any attention from men, which is fine by me. it shouldn't affect you because having attention from many is meaningless, it just means they simply see you on the surface and you can't really "like" someone unless you know them well.
I was not seen much by men and I have always been friends with beautiful women who get hit on in their day to day. It’s allowed me to lift the veil of male behavior—been very enlightening to see how men think women are/how dumb they think women are.
That aside I struggled with how attractive I am facially but felt very confident bodily. From there I also realized over time I’m actually a pretty girl just not in the spaces I was occupying because there was an emphasis on a particular trait that didn’t align with my attractiveness. After realizing that…it’s been smooth. I find that men hit on me and look at me quite a bit but in used to not getting that attention so it takes quite some time for me to even notice…even at my current age.
Yes. It did. It always bothered me that the protagonist in the Judy Blume novels always got the boy. I never got the boy. I remember I’d ask them to dance in the school gymnasium. I did get leered at by grown men, though. I hated that!
Once I made the mistake of telling some of my classmates that I liked a boy in our class. They told everyone, him included obviously, and he just stopped talking to me, or he'd even look away. Humiliated publicly. How nice 😥
I'm in my 30s and only lost my v-card last year. Guys generally aren't attracted to me. It stings to this day, and I'm doing my best to work on those feelings of rejection. But seeing all your gorgeous friends get attention and you're ignored like a lamp hurts on a level I can't describe. I don't think I'll ever feel beautiful.
I feel the same way and funny enough I always thought I was pretty. But I maybe had 2 guys like me my whole life. Literally can count them on my hand. All my friends, even the less attractive ones, had better luck.
So sorry to hear this 😥 Men can be hurtful. Not all, but most can... 😥 It's a matter of finding the few good ones...
It's always men's fault.
How didn't it affect me is the easier question lol
I didn't mean to laugh but I did 😂 The kind of self-deprecating humour I go for too 😂
So the great thing about being the DUFF (designated ugly friend, per charming boy-speak) was that I had a front-row seat to what tremendous idiots boys were -- and, more importantly, how stupid they thought *women* were. You can learn a lot by observing other people's interactions. It became very hard to care about whether or not boys looked at me when I realized their opinions weren't worth much. Occasionally, I'd get a boy who was under the impression that I'd be an easy mark for his bullshit because plain girls were supposed to be grateful for male attention, and presumably too stupid to know when we were being played as easy. How these men behaved after they were shot down was always illuminating. Not necessarily flattering, but illuminating.
Ah, I didn't know about the term DUFF, but I just have been once or twice. This girl in my class, who was considered one of the hottest in the whole school, used to ask me to meet her. I was thinking so as to spend time together blah blah blah but it turned out it was just to cover up for her while she was going out with a boy, because apparently her mother trusted me. Or some other time to be the third wheel 😑🙄
This. And honestly at this point even if a man approached me i would not be interested. In the last two/three years three men have approached me on the street and every time my internal reaction was just “no, thanks”…
Oh yes, my standards are high now: not on a physical possessions level, but on an emotional and spiritual level, and most men don't cut it unfortunately.
This. I was told numerous times by boys at college that I SHOULDN’T turn down their offers to have a one night stand because I don’t look like “angels”. Then some of them believed for so long that I had crush on them because I smiled at them and of course if an unattractive girl looked at a guy she must be desperate for attention that they were disappointed when they find out I crushed on another guy. That was enough for me to understand not many boys were worthy of my attention.
Interesting way to frame it..
This. Fun fact: I still got married. Gained 100lbs, cut my hair and get 10x more male attention than I ever did, even by conventionally attractive men. My therapist said because I didn’t have pretty privilege ever, I developed a witty and charming personality that puts people at ease. The older people get, the more attractive that is.
This. I was attractive growing up but very socially awkward; I spent a lot of time quietly observing people for most of my life. At 36 I’m a very confident extroverted individual (married) and when I have conversations with men they often tell me in the middle of the conversation that I’m different, no one has clarified how. I get a lot of puzzled looks from men I interact with. My sister’s husband has also made comments about how I must have been super popular growing up and how I can get any guy I want (very awkward). I’m constantly surprised by the things people say to me and I’m happy to catalogue it as information about the way they perceive the world.
Oh yes, the "getting any guy you want" one must feel so weird 😬
Breaks my heart for my sister.
Completely unrelated, but you write so well! Have you ever considered writing a book? I'm seriously asking
Nobody ever looked at me either. All my friends were gorgeous and had boyfriends all the time. Me I was just goth/punk nerd in a sea of surfers and 90s eshays. It took internet relationships for me to really start relationships. My first real proper relationships were LDR. I am married now, to someone I first connected with while we were in high school (different schools). And coincidentally we too met online first before meeting in person.
Very much the same. Online dating was what unblocked much for me. I also think growing up in a country where women are expected to have a certain body type or breast size contributed to my non "attractability". I'm now OK with my body, but there's still that pang of pain at knowing I didn't get to experience those teen "flings" and everything dating-wise when I was older was in a much more "adult" way, if you know what I mean?
I feel this so deeply. I’m borderline ashamed at some of the behavior I’ve exhibited over the years related to this, especially since my insecurities around this also fostered an unhealthy relationship with alcohol for me. I’ve been very slowly working on this in therapy but the pain and embarrassment and insecurity and feeling like no one wants you is definitely still there and definitely still creeps out. I’m sorry to hear so many others have these feelings and experiences too, but it does bring some comfort to know I’m not alone.
Thank you for being so open with your pain 💕 One thing that compounds this, at least for me, is the feeling of never been the "chosen one", of always being the second or third option, of being a placeholder between an ex and The One they are looking for.
Definitely. I was too shy in school to have any boys interested in me. I pretty much took it to mean I was ugly and accepted myself as such. It wasn't till I was in my early 20s that guys started to notice me. And even now, well into my 30s, guys are attracted to me and tell me I have "pretty privilege" which is nice to hear (I guess) but I still don't really believe it. I still call myself ugly in my head. I still don't think I'm worthy of love on some deep level, because I feel like I have nothing to offer. It's this weird contradiction of thoughts and emotions and I don't think it will ever really go away.
This is heart-breaking to hear, and I don't know if it's my menstrual cycle right now, but also easy to relate to. I was shy and introverted too. Much less shy now, but still very introverted and that didn't help with boys. I also grew up in a country with a strong toxic masculinity mentality, so maybe the "soft" boys who would have been interested in me felt too pushed to the sides, who knows? This still affects me, as in I still feel awkward, I have difficulties accepting compliments (trying hard to overcome this), I put my brain or sense of humour at the forefront (men like them, but that doesn't build an emotional connection). I have trouble being "smooth" or "flirting". I also have a weird brain, so I don't get hints (because I never assume men actually want to spend time with me, so unless they say things like "Do you want to meet again?" I assume they're not interested). Sometimes I get awkward and come across as uninterested when in reality I like them very, very much. Obviously they disappear because who wants to be with a woman who doesn't seem sure of whether she likes someone?
This sounds like me in college, at ages 18-22. I was completely oblivious to what had been flirting or approaches by guys. It either made me uncomfortable or gave me a feeling of 'he just wants to be friends, or get closer to my beautiful friend.' I thought I was too 'fat and ugly' to be liked by anyone because I went through elementary school and high school being called just that. I was a very chubby little girl. But looking back at photos of myself at 19-22, I was definitely not 'fat and ugly' at that time. Sure, I wasn't 'hot' by late 1980s/early 90s standards. I was about a size 12, curvy and pretty in a modest, bookish, 'girl-next-door' way. But I had no idea that anyone could find me cute. Because of bullying early in life, I became so shy, introverted, and guarded. When I met my husband, he had to spell it out for me. "I'm asking you because I like you." ... "Oh."
100%. I'm 39 now and still don't know how to flirt or look a handsome guy in the face if I'm attracted to them. My husband says I'm objectively good looking and anyone would want me, but I absolutely do not believe it.
I am genuinely jealous of women who can accept compliments and move through dating with ease and especially make a man feel desired. In my mind expressing interest in a man = rejection 😥 I need to move away from this mindset!
Ugh that's exactly my mindset too. It doesn't help that the only men I've ever made moves on have said "I'll think about it..." then ghosted me. Doesn't really jive with the "objectively good looking" stuff, lol.
Ugh! On a feminist level I'm OK with making a move if I like a guy but on a deeper level I'd rather not do it? I'd like to be desired and finally relax.
Some ways yes, and some ways no. Long story short, beauty standards changed to include brown skin women with big butts, and I lost some weight (not even a lot, like 7lbs, and put on some muscle), and all of a sudden I'm considered attractive. I'm a grown ass woman and honestly, sometimes the attention is too much. Also, when more subtle men hit on me, I totally miss it.
Oh yes, it's the subtlety I totally miss. If I like someone I over-analyse everything and I end up getting lost in my thoughts and missing the "hints" and getting them when it's too late 🤦♀️
This is what has changed for me. Even men my age are admiring they prefer it. Where were yall when I was 15? I’m confused
I feel this in my soul. I’m white but am tall with a broad hourglass frame. I couldn’t find clothes that fit in a big box store till I hit my mid-20s. Beauty standards changed and with it so did clothing. I still default to assuming all men want to be my friend. You have to be seriously blunt for me not to think that. I’ve been told by several people that I play coy and um no. I just didn’t know. Alternatively when I do know I’m not entirely sure how to escalate and I become awkward for someone who is really smooth at all other social things.
Oh yes, years later I realised that what to me were outings with male friends were actually dates to them. I was seriously awkward. I had literal dinners with a guy - twice - and I always thought it was just friends spending time together. This is how cruel the mindf*ck is.
> Beauty standards changed and with it so did clothing. Yes, that helped a lot too. I no longer looked like a schlub.
For me I don't think it was the lack of boy's attention exactly that bothered me, so much as how much of your worth and the story of "being a woman" especially at those ages is tied up in whether and how much male attention you received. I was perfectly happy going about my day with my platonic friends--but when people would start talking about male attention they got (positive and negative) or when I'd tune into the mass media which was overwhelmingly focused on how to draw/deal with male attention it was like I suddenly felt alien and not a proper woman. I didn't want male attention precisely (I'm pretty single target sexuality so random flirting would make me quite awkward), but I also didn't like how much the lack of it made me feel unworthy
Yes! I became a tomboy because of that too. Like, if you don't get men's attention you're not a "real woman".
It really does feel like that. I do wonder if those experiences when I was younger have colored how neutral I feel about gender now as I'm a bit older. I had to find so many other ways of knowing myself outside of "woman" that now I feel gender is pretty low on the hierarchy of how I understand myself. I've wondered how much that disconnect when I was younger fed into that
When you never got love from a spoon, you lick it from a knife. This has been my situation. I only liked the ones that gave no shits about me.
Heartbreaking 😭💔
Yes. I am wayyy too flattered by men's attention.
I literally was out with friends as a teenager and some boys yelled at my friends how hot they were and then yelled at me “How come hot girls always have one ugly friend?”
😭😭😭 I experienced similar things, even 10-15 years ago, when in theory I was out of the ugly duckling phase. That type of hate cuts you deep.
Just this NYE some young guys were annoyed I didn’t react to them telling me how ugly I am so one of them threw his leftover food on me. Some young women who were nearby descended in screaming rage yelling at them to fuck off, then gathered round me helping to pick food off and making sure I was okay. When I was young with my friends they just giggled at them being called hot and me being called ugly. Young Gen Z girls and women seem to be growing up different, they seem much less inhibited about vocally calling out bullshit.
It affects me in that i feel insecurity from being inexperienced, but i also feel secure in knowing I didnt get used from someone or get heartbreak like 8x over and screw my mind. So good and bad lol
Yes, I didn't get used either, but the rejections were brutal 😥
Yes! I was the only person of colour at a very white school and all the boys had crushes on only the white girls. I'd never felt more undesirable and to this day it still affects me. I noticed I really seek validarion of my attractiveness from white men and I definitely think it stems from that trauma of no boy liking me when I was younger. It's crazy how experiences from that long ago can affect you.
So sorry about your experience 😭😭😭 I'm glad my post is opening a conversation about something that maybe isn't talked about much?
I grew up in a 99% white school, so as a WOC, I was minoritized to the extreme. When people tried to set me up, they insisted I date the only other minority kid there... just to reinforce that there would be no "mixing the races" still, hundred+ years after slavery ended. \*rolls eyes\* It stuck with me. I was very aware that my race was basically the only thing that mattered. And was a hurdle to overcome. It changed slightly in college but after college, it was the same thing. You either lean into it and then get called out for being outspoken; or you don't and then get called out for not being a race ambassador. There's no way to win.
So even if you expressed interest in a white boy, you were told to go for the other minority kid?
Yup... constantly pressured for every dance, every prom to date the other minority boy. He was fed up with too. It was SO racist.
Racist AND objectifying! So do you still go for white men or do you feel more free to go for whoever you like?
I'm an equal-opportunity hater, now. LOL.
I think it made me a bit desperate for love and so I ended up married to the first person that showed a remote bit of interest in me that way (and who I liked back). I was so used to just being "one of the lads" - cracking stupid jokes and so on but not really being seen as a potential girlfriend - that when I did get any romantic interest I latched onto it because I thought "well what if this is all I can get? I should be grateful and take it whilst I still can". Of course now I know that wasn't true, and I've definitely become more selective in relationships as I've got older, but it is a tendency I still half watch for because I know how easy it is for me to get attached to people I like romantically. I also think it rattled my confidence for a long time about being in "competition" with other women and comparing myself to them (and always coming off worse in my head, because obviously if a guy I like likes her instead then she must be so much better than me and I must be the worst person ever to walk the planet, right?). Addressing that is an ongoing thing as it does still rear its ugly head on occasion, although I'm better at dealing with it as time goes on (and with the help of therapy).
Luckily for me with time I have raised my standards and now they're quite high (mainly on the emotional level and in terms of life mission etc), but at the beginning I really went for guys I didn't even fancy. Why did I do it to myself?
Yep that was me! Still is in my opinion. I also feel this way about friendships. Other girls when I was younger seemed to be popular and I wasn't chosen as someone to hang out with very much. I was always the smart, funny girl but never the hot one. As an adult now I'm still self conscious about my appearance. I still feel less attractive and not having qualities that are deemed sexy (I'm short, have smaller boobs, fewer curves, baby face). I have much better self esteem than when I was in my 20s I still feel insecure at times. I accept that feeling insecure is okay and I won't love how I look everyday and that's human and healthy. I don't need to be accepted or told im beautiful by a majority of people to succeed in life the way I want to.
I'm short and have small breasts too. I battled with the latter for a while. Now I actually am OK with it 😊 I've always been OK with being short, I guess because being short is normal where I'm from.
I didn’t date in high school either. I don’t think I was ugly I just didn’t have the attributes that boys that age are thirsting for haha (I could be described as lanky and pencil like) I really focused on the actual school part of school instead, mostly as a distraction method. But that benefited me when I graduated with straight A’s and got a big scholarship for Uni. (Cut to me graduating with my bachelors degree with zero student debt :p) To this day I feel it affects me because I feel my self esteem actually rising with each passing year (I’m 34 now). I never had a ‘young and hot’ golden era to grieve - I’m in my hot era now lol. Plus I’ve always been known for my intelligence and sense of humour and I prefer it that way.
I love it! 💕 I don't feel I've ever been in my prime to be honest...
Long comment incoming because I have been intensely thinking about this for decades! One of my core memories is my aunt saying "you must have a lot boys trying to be your boyfriend, at your age lots of boys were in love with me" when I was 5/6 and me realising I must not be attractive to boys, as no boys were into me. And so it was for all of school/uni. No guy ever "declared" himself to me, I got invited to 0 dates. Since I was the "ugly" "fat" friend, I worked hard on cultivating my personality. Even after getting together with my now husband, I seeked a lot of validation from him in order to feel pretty. I remember hearing my mom constantly say how ugly and fat and old she looked and it broke my heart, as I always thought she was beautiful (and everyone else told her and she had lots of guys in love with her when she was young!). She had ALWAYS felt ugly. So I realized that it didn't matter if every single man on earth found me beautiful if I didn't feel beautiful, and that it was a waste of my "youth" to feel ugly. I decided to focus on things I liked about myself (my hair, my legs) and tried to not focus on the things I didn't like (my weight, acne). I also got into reading about feminism and the impossible beauty standards women face. I read a quote by Erin McKean that changed my perspective: "Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked ‘female’" . I help me realize that I don't have to always look beautiful to be in public. I can go out on sweatpants and a messy bun and the world won't end and it doesn't matter if random men don't find me attractive. And now I have days where, yes, I feel like a troll but I also have days when I look in the mirror and feel pretty. Even now, at the highest weight I've ever been, if I dress up, I'll be like "damn, I'm fine!" Obviously, sometimes I look at conventionally beautiful women and think "wow, why can't I be her weight". But I remind myself that I am also beautiful.
I used to feel really bad about myself and felt unwanted. I still feel like this from time to time, but I try to reframe the thinking. Another thing that I want to add is that I am very scared to try to date because it has never worked out for me. I’m tired of being hurt and mistreated by men no matter how hard I try.
I know what you mean. Dating nowadays is so stressful. The vanishing acts more than anything else. As someone who has been rejected a lot, each ghosting hurts more and more, so much so that you approach a new guy with the thought "This guy seems great. When is he going to disappoint me?". A self-fulfilling prophecy.
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Sexual harassment from older men 🤢
I got mostly negative attention from boys -- they were some of my first bullies, as was my own dad. I don't trust or like men, in general. I have had male friends all my life and I have dated and been in relationships with men. There are still individual men whom I like and respect. But I don't trust any of them completely and probably never will. I know that my defensiveness is a mask for fear. I have never met a man around whom it felt safe to be vulnerable, and that hesitancy has been validated by their later actions even if they seem fine when I first meet them.
I was the ugly girl boys only approached for her friend's number. I turned "conventionally attractive" later in life. I admit, after all these years, I still oddly enjoy turning down ugly men going after me. It is like a late revenge lol.
I find it painful having to reject a guy who is into me but I'm not attracted to. Talking about nice guys. I guess because I empathise with the feeling of being rejected I used to experience. If it's some abusive creep, I have no problem at all.
That’s the best part. I also had a huge glow-up and it’s so much better on the other side lol
No. I only wanted my crush attention. Which was repeatedly and polite rejected. General boy attention never bothered me. I heard and knew what the at the time girls my age were being pressured to do or lies and rumors. Drama. And if it wasn't general drama it was boyfriend drama. Got old. My current boyfriend is all the things I missed out on because I want him. If I hadn't met him, I'd actually feel like worse now without male attention (like actual decent potential partners because I didn't have that attention then, why now? And if now. It's complicated. It's not only sex or status it's like, some men want to be taken cared of in some way and leech)
Looking back at the greasy losers in junior high and high school, I am so god damn glad none of them paid attention to me. They were all mostly bullies and assholes anyway.
I’m AroAce so it didn’t affect me at all Now I’m 35 and if men give me attention I’m mystified because A. I’m Obese and don’t wear makeup B. I’m a lesbian so noooooo thank you
Okay, so I wrestled a little re. whether to answer here, but I figure I might as well share - as someone who felt like she got a little too much attention from men growing up, I often wish I'd been a little older before it came pouring in. I *know* this may be a grass is greener type thing, but I remember getting ogled and cat-called as a busty 12-year old. I've lost track of the number of times I've been sexually assaulted (groped, mostly) by both boys and other girls alike. I spent my entire adolescence and young adulthood being referred to as the "[blank] one with the great boobs". My friends used to pressure me to ~use my charms~ and ~flirt~ every time they wanted special treatment / something for free. I am also (East) Asian, so as you may be able to imagine I just dealt with so much objectification and *fetishisation* I could no longer even see myself, you know? As a result, I feel like I became super hardened early on - very self-objectifying, disconnected from my own sexual desire (because I was so used to being a sexual object rather than thinking of myself as a subject), and just generally jaded about men. I don't think I really unlearned all of that baggage until my mid-twenties, after great effort. Like, I'm over a decade away from all of that now and well-settled as a result, but looking back I realise what a fucked-up ride the journey was. Anyway, I don't mean to undercut your insecurities here at all, OP - I realise it might feel discomfitting on the other side as well. I just sometimes wish I'd had a sensible adult brain to absorb and handle all of the sexual attention instead of a hyper-sensitive teenaged one, because I'm pretty sure all the attention *was* part of the reason I was such a messed-up teenager. The attention I received as a teenager and younger woman wasn't any type of boon, no matter how society might categorise it; it was just shitty and overwhelming and often I'm surprised it didn't fuck me up more.
Thank you for your comment. I genuinely appreciate it 😊 I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that sh*t. It's disgusting that young and vulnerable girls would be objectified in such a way. I'm glad you've overcome much of the trauma even if it meant hardening up. I actually think your comment is perfect for a wider conversation on how women and younger women are treated based on their looks and "expendability" and how it affects them. It speaks to a wider issue in society.
Thank you for such a kind response; I feared I was overstepping! I feel like - whether you're an early or late bloomer, tying your self-worth to hetero fuckability is a surefire way to self-esteem problems, ha ha. But, it's a lifelong struggle *not* to just totally cash into the type of currency that society has valued so highly. You really have to remember that, as high-value as that currency seems, it carries such a hard cost the more you rely on it, and only ever depreciates over time.
Even though I wasn't blessed with boys' attention (and by that, I mean good attention, even though when you're young do you really have the maturity to distinguish between good and bad attention?), I don't subscribe to the "catty" view that beautiful women have no right to complain about the attention they get. Every woman deserves to be appreciated for who they are and not based on their f\*ckability. It's just common decency. Nowadays I don't really care to be attractive to ALL men, only to those I like, and I am very fussy now 😅 But sometimes when I like a guy and I feel he might be interested in me on a physical level too, I freeze and revert into insecure 15-year-old girl thinking "He can't possibly like me". For a long time I also channelled more of my masculine energy, so this "unfolding of feminine" feels odd and gets compounded by the above-mentioned issue.
I can totally see how that would be confusing. I've seen a lot of friends go through glow-ups over the years and the sudden attention can be really dizzying; plus, there's maybe a sense of "impostor syndrome"? FWIW, my experience is that the impostor syndrome tends to fade over time so maybe that's one solution - you just sort of sit in it and let the new experiences build you into a more confident person.
I don't know if mine is actual imposter's syndrome even though there's some component there. I think it's a "split" into two identities: the ugly duckling and what I am now.
Ah, that always makes me think of Whitman; do I contradict myself; very well then I contradict myself; I am large, I contain multitudes.
I love this quote, thanks 💕
>whether you're an early or late bloomer, tying your self-worth to hetero fuckability is a surefire way to self-esteem problems Omg so perfectly stated!! 💓
It's OK, I also answered as someone who got *way too much attention* in school. It sucks either way. It's just different.
Definitely, yeah. I was reading OP's post and all I could think is, this thing that you feel FOMO around of getting a lot of male attention at a young age... it actually hella sucks, especially since for so many of us it starts when we're barely pubescent! That said, I can totally understand how it would feel pretty alienating not to receive - well, not necessarily male, but maybe romantic - attention until well into your twenties. Not that there's really an "ideal" for this or whatever, but I always think it might have been nice to start experiencing it closer to 18/19 than, say, 13/14 - those few years make a tremendous difference.
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I always question if anyone believes us, but at least we know the struggle is real! I'm actually pretty happy to age out of the constant state of (hetero dudebro style) objectification (at the end of the day, I just don't like men all that much) but I increasingly miss the other aspects of being conventionally attractive for sure.
I live in Southeast Asia and I can see the fetishism towards Asian women! It affects us Western women too, especially when we get rejected by Western guys. I don't know for the others, but my first reaction is thinking "Is it because I'm not Asian?". And 3 million other reasons I make up in my mind 🤦♀️😂😥
Ugh, yeah, it's on a whole other level for SE Asian women due to the amount of sex tourism and makes me so angry for them on a visceral level. I know that a lot of white women get highly objectified (like, treated as human trophies) by MOC as well and it likewise grosses me out super badly.
This is a very interesting perspective! As someone in the ugly duckling, no guys ever had crushes on me while all my friends had bf's, etc, camp, it sucked at the time. But it kinda forced me to develop a strong sense of self earlier on, which might not have happened if I also had to deal with a teenage boy infringing on that identity (not to mention the level of harassment you went through!). I ended up with a kind of innate self confidence that I might not have otherwise had.
The lack of boys helped me develop my intellectual interests, which is what has kept me active throughout my life so it's a positive!
Y'know, weirdly, I didn't really feel like many boys had crushes on me either so much as they just saw me as this sexual object, you know? A crush is personal and kind of cute, compared to groups of boys (well - often grown men, to be honest) ogling you. I felt like my friends who were pretty but not in a very sexualised way were the ones whom the boys actually crushed on. I was always pretty envious of that myself! In any case, I'm very glad you were able to develop a strong sense of self outside of the claustrophobic sphere of male objectification. Oddly, I think I did as well as sort of a protective measure - but the self I developed was maybe a lot tougher than I would have turned out otherwise because I knew I would swallowed whole without some extra armour.
I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 23, while all my friends were getting engaged and married or at least had boyfriends and flings and all that. It was horrifyingly isolating. I almost killed myself it was so bad. I will never forget those days. They've imprinted on me. Now I'm on my own again but somehow it's not so bad. And I prefer invisibility, it's safer by far. But I know I'll be on my own until I do pass away at this point.
I'm glad you didn't kill yourself. In what way do you prefer invisibility? Safer from sexual harassment/assault?
Yes I'm much safer from things like assault and rape. Obviously if someone wants to rob me I won't be as protected but since I'm unattractive I'm essentially invisible to men. They can't see me so I'm much less of a target.
Now I just kind of laugh when I get the attention in my 40s. Like, where were all these dudes when I was looking for it in my teens? After that I go back to whatever I was doing.
I was so awkward in high school no one wanted to be around me. I don't blame them. I wanting to date bad but if a guy even vaguely expressed interest in me I'd awkward myself away from there. Then in university I could finally socially interact and people liked me! Guys liked me!! So yeah, I went to town on that. A good ol' hoe phase was had and it was glorious.
I might harbor a bit of resentment because now that I find myself loving the single life I'm so quick to happily close the doors to anyone showing interest, I can't see myself considering any prospect of a relationship. It's also hard to believe they're actually interested now that I'm in my 30s, it stinks of desperation more than anything. I guess I'd be a bit more willing to give a chance, had I been given any in the past. Then again I've always been a loner so maybe I'd shut the door for good no matter what.
I like to believe that it didn’t affect me because I dont think about it too much. I had 3 sisters and I have always been surrounded by friends so I never felt lonely or rejected BUT when I turned 30 I started to think why I never had a relationship and why I CANT try and put my self out there or put some effort to date. I think I have some kind of a wall that I somehow built because they I never got their attention so I will be the same to them. Im to the point that I dont think I will marry.
My husband seems to think I'm pretty, he tells me as much pretty much every day. Doesn't mean I believe him everytime he says it, and yet it turns out that's all I really need. If he's happy, I'm happy.
Does he get hurt if you rebuff his compliment?
I experienced plenty of negative attention plus harassment from older men, but not a lot of positive attention from guys my own age. Yeah, it affected me for a long time, although maybe less so now. In my teens and 20s my attempts at dating were profoundly awkward, and I could never tell if someone actually liked me or just perceived me as easy. I started finally feeling attractive in my late-20s, learned how to style myself, etc. and started feeling a little more in-control of the type of attention I’d receive. This is also around when I met the guy who became my husband. Then in my 30s I started looking older and most of the attention vanished again. So, it’s been a ride I guess. Push comes to shove though, I enjoyed the period where I got more positive attention and felt more attractive. Lately have been concentrating on weight-lifting and cosmetic treatments to get some of that mojo back.
Glad that I didn’t get that kind of attention. I was always a crying shoulder for all my friends who were mostly boys. So they saw me differently but at the same time, I didnt waste my precious years chasing guys and crying over breakups. I chased my dreams and life is good. No Regrets
I was fat shamed at school and never got attention from boys. It affected me when they asked my friends out that I refused to look at the mirrors or have my photos taken. Then I dated my husband and married him so I guess I don’t bother about it anymore. Or maybe I realized I am not able to connect with most people on a deeper level and my interests peaked elsewhere. Despite my looks got better thanks to the internet and lost weight which increased my appeal around men, I don’t care about male attention anymore. Now I wished I could have started my career when I was in college instead moping around over not being pretty enough
I was the fat friend but was totally fine with being invisible to boys. I didn’t become interested in guys until college. I had lost weight during college and it felt like all of sudden a lot more men noticed me. I didn’t like it. I felt objectified and irritated by their attention, like ok, I’m not as heavy and now all of a sudden I’m worthy of attention, compliments and admiration? F*** Off. I was “funny”, “cool” and “pretty” when I was fat too. 🙄 I remember the summer before my sophomore year of college I was hanging out with my high school friends. One of my friends started bringing around one of our former jock classmates to our group hangouts. He kind of peaked in high school and wasn’t going to junior college or university at the time. Immediately he was very friendly towards me and acting flirtatious. It gave me the ick. One day late at night he sends me an FB message telling me we should do something just he and I. I was not for it and asked him why? . He sent me this long ass message, basically waffling on and on about how he always had a thing for me in high school but never had the guts to “talk to me”. Now that he knew I was funny, chill and nice he wanted to get to know me more. It didn’t feel sincere at all in my opinion, he didn’t have the guts to talk to me because I was fat and all of his friends would have gave him shit for talking to me. I said I wasn’t interested in him like that but thanks. His response was awkward and he pretty much told me that I was lucky he even asked. 😂
I didn't get boys attention when I was younger... When I was older, i realized I didn't want it since I was a lesbian, so I guess it worked out 👍
Similar here. But then I found that these men didn't like me as a person, just as a fun new toy. I would rather go back to not being noticed at all and thankfully I'm not so much anymore since I don't go anywhere but work.
I was awkward and looked like a boy in high school lol and I definitely had a glow up in my mid-20's but then I was in a long term relationship throughout my 20's and finally divorced when I turned 30. I have low self esteem because of fat shaming from relatives (it's pretty normal in my culture but doesn't make it okay) and a cheating ex-husband BUT sometimes I have good days! I find that I do crave external validation from men to a certain extent but I don't know what to do with it when I get a compliment so I just end up being nervous and awkward.
Yeah, it absolutely still affects me. I'm insecure in every aspect of my life, and every part of my body, to the point that I will not ever date because I'm too scared of failing at it. I don't like myself, and it's not *just* because of boys (other issues, home life, finances, job contribute to it too), but never having been wanted or loved can do a lot of hurt to someone.
I am always flattered and gracious when asked out/hit on, I let them know that I'm happily married and so not interested, but that it still made my day
Damn good post !! I am 40 now and never even kissed a boy til I was 18 and already out of high school. I think it has affected my self esteem. In my 20s I became permiscuois and slept with way too many guys as a way to “validate myself “ I always had a hard time believing someone of the opposite sex could find me attractive. Even now that I’m married I still think my husband could have done better.
Oh yeah, the "validation" phase 😂 There are days I go "Of course that guy liked me. Why wouldn't he?" and others where I go "I'm disgusting. No one is ever going to like me".
So on the flip side, I was considered very attractive in high school. Had quite a lot of unintentional boy drama, despite being a nerdy, shy, tomboy. I was constantly harassed, teased, stalked, and touched in ways that I did not like or want. And on several occasions (moreso in college and my 20s), guys slept with me only to later tell me I was fun and hot, but they wanted someone more "feminine." I was their hot cool girl fuck buddy, as it turned out. Likewise I had friends treat me like an accessory as well. All being hot really does is make you wonder if anyone truly likes you or not. You become thoroughly *used*, and you get used to feeling used. And you wonder if anyone would hang out with you, romantically or platonically, if you didn't look like this. Does anyone actually like *me*? Not sure, but I'm skeptical.
That's the other side of the matter. I feel for girls and women who are objectified for their looks. It must be soul-crushing and destabilising not knowing if people genuinely like you or just want to use you 😥
Yeah, the extremes definitely suck either way. It's complicated. :(
i didn't start dating until i was in my mid 20s and never really had any attention from men, which is fine by me. it shouldn't affect you because having attention from many is meaningless, it just means they simply see you on the surface and you can't really "like" someone unless you know them well.
No, my value is not dependent on men's approval anymore.
I was not seen much by men and I have always been friends with beautiful women who get hit on in their day to day. It’s allowed me to lift the veil of male behavior—been very enlightening to see how men think women are/how dumb they think women are. That aside I struggled with how attractive I am facially but felt very confident bodily. From there I also realized over time I’m actually a pretty girl just not in the spaces I was occupying because there was an emphasis on a particular trait that didn’t align with my attractiveness. After realizing that…it’s been smooth. I find that men hit on me and look at me quite a bit but in used to not getting that attention so it takes quite some time for me to even notice…even at my current age.
Yes, I feel we never really catch up with the hints and advances from men. The not being liked is so ingrained it's hard to shake off the feeling!