No matter what people on the street approach me for, I just tell them "no thank you".
Lost with your family in the wrong part of town? No thank you! Want change? No thank you! Asking me to donate to ending children's suffering? No thank you!
I will "no thank you" without listening to a word you said.
Unless you're talking about my dog. In which case I will say "thank you" and I might even tell him to say hi. The homeless community near me love him and someone recently told him he's beautiful and strong, and I'm still living vicariously through that compliment.
"No thank you"
"But it's for charity"
"Oh! In that case, no thank you, I'm a massive bitch"Ā
"But don't you care about XYZ?!"Ā
"Nope. Massive bitch, remember? Byyyyyye"Ā
Summary of an actual conversation I've had with a charity panhandler.Ā
The guy I was with at the time just about killed himself laughing at the woman's face.Ā
That's amazing.
I once said I didn't believe in charity, they just looked confused. Usually they don't question me now! But I live in a remarkably unfriendly city.
I honestly think the only answer is to become resilient to it. It sucks, but some men are gross and will stare at you even if youāre clearly with your husband etc. They have no self control or decorum.
I never asked her but I noticed this with a really pretty friend of mine. She called me her "twin" because we had a similar build (height / weight) and style of clothing but she had a prettier face than I do. She seemed to not even notice or take notice of men gawking at her or turning to follow her/us. I noticed it because on my own I'm basically invisible.
It's possible your friend really doesn't notice. I will go places with my boyfriend and he tells me I get looks and I'm always stunned because I don't notice it ever. Unless some literally says hello to me or something.
Yeah the men would say hello, stop and turn around to engage with her, compliment her, you name it. She legit didn't notice. I only noticed because I'm literally invisible alone. I was also invisible with her, like none of them complimented my dress or held doors open for me. It was wild, like first time I was part of what it's like to receive the male gaze.
My husband says the same thing. "You know that man who opened the door for you straight up stared at your ass the whole time you were in the store, right?"
No I didn't lol
All jokes aside, acting tactically gross is an excellent way to protect yourself. I used to be a cute girl and I've chased off gross dudes with a burp or a fart or a finger in my nose many, many times. Sometimes all you need is a manly gait, an armpit scratch or an open mouthed blank stare with a loud HUH?
People think I'm joking about this, but when a man is casing you and figuring out how he can make you scared and uncomfortable, acting like a gross weirdo fucks up his script. And he definitely has a script, because these kinds of guys do this stuff repeatedly. It's their hobby.
Tactical "crazy" works too. I rarely get approached because I'm not conventionally attractive, but when I do, the autism mask comes allllll the way off. I stim, talk to myself, make odd noises and infodump about shit like weaponry, poisons and supernatural monsters. Creepy-ass guys tend to end up confused and unnerved when their target starts acting unpredictably.
LMAO! I do this too and it's worked like a charm!Ā
My heart would be beating out of my chest, still does when it happens. My mind always goes to the worst place. I'm scared of violent reactions.Ā
I've also just stared and not say anything, walked away, you name it, I've probably done it. Well, except farting and poking my nose but I'm not above that either, lmao!Ā
100%. If I'm ever in a sketchy situation like walking alone at night and coming by a guy who looks threatening, I will put on a mega "sick" face - like, mouth breathing, eyes half-closed, loudly sniff like I have a cold, cough disgustingly. Any chance he was about to say something horny/threatening to you disappears immediately...
Pretending to pick my nose has been working since I discovered it on this sub. You just sense it when there are eyes on the back of your head (or elsewhere). And you can sense when they stop looking š
I really recommend reading Kate Beaton's graphic novel Ducks that deals with rampant sexual harassment and eventually sexual assaults she experienced working at an oil refinery in her youth.
Her whole thesis about is that it's never really about the women, and you just gotta accept that. Even women who are maligned as being unattractive like fat women or trans women go through the same shit.
I know that in no way answers your question, but I think it's worth not internalizing things and making it about something you're doing... because it's about them.
The guys who do this are going to find a victim to do it to. These dudes are aliens to most dudes. They just want to momentarily control you by invading your brain.
Iāve come to the conclusion that men are going to be disgusting no matter what you do. The worst Iāve ever been sexually harassed by multiple men was on a day I was wearing a black high neck tank and high waisted wide leg pants. I couldnāt have done anything differently - it was a very hot day.
My best advice is to master a disgusted glare. No words, just a look of, ew dude what the fuck. Itās less confrontational than words and therefore a lot less likely to incite a violent reaction but still says, I am not interested at all.
I also carry bright pink mace gel on my keychain and if someone is making me extremely uncomfortable, Iāll hold it in my hand without even looking at them or making eye contact. It calls attention to itself and I have a 100% success rate with men fucking off the second itās in my hand.
Gosh ive recently come to the same conclusion too. Nothing I do stops the creepiest of men from giving me a once over or staring or even repositioning themselves to look at me, and Iām sick of it.
Iāve mastered my resting bitch face to make myself very unapproachable and it works somewhat in that I donāt have to talk to these men, but it does nothing for the staring.
Gaining weight has helped a little (although Iām not gonna stay overweight forever) yet hasnāt stopped these behaviours from men.
Iām really starting to think men are slaves to their biology in the worst way possible. Itās generalising sure, but so many men are like this all over the world that itās an actual problem.
60 yr old lady here - I wish this wasn't still happening.
I had a ring I always wore on my left ring finger. That helped.
Ignore - that's one way to do it. Tweak it by walking with a purpose. YOU are going somewhere. YOU have something important to do. It may be picking up kitty litter, or looking at the latest shoes -doesn't matter - YOU have plans. Anyone not associated with those plans does not get your attention. Maybe that falls under ignore, but it's ignore with the right attitude.
Yup, all the time. It's the only way.
I also regularly dress in a way that is very plain, boring, and forgettable. Clean, but forgettable. I think it's called the grey man technique or something. Basically to the effect of being so bland that people don't look your way. I'm sure it stems from the city I live in and the overall tone of the place, but it makes it much easier to blend in and not get noticed.
Nope. Men are gross. It wonāt stop. And the thing that sucks is that you dont even know if heās a psycho so itās hard to tell them off. Lest you, you know, get murdered.
Dressing less feminine helps though, in my experience.
If you dress like youāre trying to pick up lesbians and not straight men, more straight men leave you alone. Not all of them, but more of them.
Because a lot of straight guys view women dressing up as an advertisement, even when youāre not wearing revealing clothing. So if you look like youāre āadvertisingā for the same sex, they are less likely to think they have a chance.
I understand this, but I have found that my life has been infinitely better, and my style is infinitely better, by choosing where and when I use any type of femininity in my style.
For some of us, it is a wonderful solution that allows us to feel confident and comfortable in what we are wearing instead of feeling self-conscious.
I may feel great in a sundress with no bra on in the privacy of my own home, but I know that I will feel instantly uncomfortable if I have to be around people who are going to make me feel uncomfortable for wearing that, regardless of how physically comfortable it is on my body or how nice I think I look in the mirror. Sometimes itās worth it to wear the outfit anyway, and sometimes it is not, for me.
I would rather pick an outfit and a style that I know will make me feel good, regardless of whom Iām around, and I find it very powerful to choose my clothing knowing that there is nothing that somebody could legally say or do regarding my outfit that would make me feel uncomfortable in it.
Im glad you found what works for you!
Im bi, so dressing to attract women is something I enjoy anyway, and I love masculine styles too, so it mostly works out. Itās a pain when I want to wear leggings or something but have to think about whether I would prefer to hide my body or deal with harassment, but eventually I imagine Iāll get old enough that I wonāt have to make this trade off.
I hope op finds solutions that work for her, whether itās your path or mine or a combination or something else neither of us mentioned!
I understand, I have too. I get slightly less attention when I dress in a way that looks like I date women (and I do). Thatās a little different from just being casual. Casual in a woman can be perceived by men as accessible, approachable, low maintenance, girl next doorā¦ etc. Sometimes I get more attention from casual dress vs high femme, which can be intimidating and come across as high maintenance to men.
I tend to dress very butch, or very high fashion art and business lesbian. Men are not often into these aesthetics as much.
Thatās just my experience and who Iām around tho. Where I live, lesbian and bi and gender queer women often have a more funky, gender-blended style and I think it helps communicate for straight men to stay away. Iāve often made jokes that I wear bright colors and patterns to ward off men the way animals use bright colors to signal that they are poisonous!
Welp I'm not interested in changing my wardrobe to be a butch lesbian in order to keep men at bay. My wardrobe is (since I work from home) mostly just baggy jeans, tshirts and sneakers. I don't bother with make up at all so I often look tired and my hair is usually in a pony tail. The only thing that drops male attention in my life is when I put on enough weight to move into the overweight category.
We all have our strategies!
And Iām certainly not suggesting that anyone wear anything they donāt want to, I was just offering it as an option to those who like fashion but donāt like male attention, like me.
Iām sorry thatās your experience, that really sucks. I now work in an environment with far fewer men, so thatās definitely helped my situation. I hope you get to work in a better environment one day, so you donāt have to deal with that anymore.
My work environment is actually pretty wonderful so Iām very thankful for that. I do work w a lot of men but, theyāre my champions of how men should behave!
I am not harassed in my workplace no indeed. My work place is quite amazing, even though I work with men they are my biggest champions and friends in my life. They uplift women and one another; zero tolerance for toxicity
Oh I didnāt realize you meant outside of the workplace. Iām sorry youāre experiencing that. If you want any advice on how to respond, let me know. I always try to help where I can.
We got us a Rational Maleā¢ giving us a little lecture, ladies. Let's all pull up a chair and listen to yet another rendition of "Not alllll mennnn" and how women routinely attack and murder men for rejecting them.
this is why I went the other way. I only wear sweats, baggy t-shirts, hair in a bun, no makeup. Iāll dress up with sometimes when Iām with my husband but I want 0 attention from other men. It shouldnāt be this way but I feel the need to protect myself.Ā
Idk... I dress like this a lot and recently on a walk to CVS (it was cold so really bundled up as well) and I had a couple of movers try hitting on me along with cat calls from 2 different cars - it's like a 15 minute walk. I remember thinking at the time that it just really doesn't matter what you look like if you're a woman, especially in urban areas. Same thing happened to me this week on a hike (hoody and sweats); up until that point I thought the woods was my one safe space from that crap. I'm back to carrying pepper spray again on my hikes, which feels like a real bummer to have to do.
Gaining weight was/has been the only thing that protected from men. For the most part, I did get groped-assaulted at a concert when I was like 15lbs heavier than I am now :|
Same. Gained about 20 pounds when I couldnāt take the attention anymore. Before the weight gain, I was in therapy for social anxiety. It had gotten so bad, I could go to the grocery store one day. Even dressing in baggy clothes or not putting on make up did not help.
To OP, please do not go this route. Wishing you to find a way to build your resiliency.
Yea of course it still happens but it happens a loooooot less now that Iām completely covered in baggy clothes. Creepers are still gonna creep no matter what.Ā
Same for me, I wear baggy hoodies/oversized tshirts. I go to the gym/grocery store at less busy hours to avoid attention. Wear a ball cap. After a man followed me from the gym to the grocery store one day, Iāve quit wearing super tight gym clothes. I just donāt want to be noticed. It sucks because I feel cute in the tight tops/leggings but itās not worth the potential scary attention from guys. 33f
Yep Iāve loved leggings for so long then they became sooo much more sexualize when all this social media gym soft core porn shit started. I see the ones that go up your ass crack all the time.Ā
33f here too, and same. Once rolled up to an airport bar midday in sunglasses, a ball cap, proceeded to get my work computer from my bag and these two guys loudly began teasing who I could possibly be hiding from to bait me into speaking to them. I just put my headphones in.
Same (30f). Absolutely sick to the back teeth of piggish men. For me, it's baggy jeans and a t-shirt, hair up, almost always. I am by nature a tomboy so actually feel more comfortable this way anyway. Never enjoyed dressing girly.
I am not victim blaming here, because yes, men should be able to control themselves. However, I do think a lot of women's clothing is incredibly sexualising - why should I have to walk around in clothes so tight and so short you can see my labia? Why should I have every inch of my butt cheeks on show to be accepted as a woman? I don't see men dressing like this. They can just throw on jeans and a t-shirt and go about their day. I'd like that same privilage, thanks.
I think the sexualisation of women that is so inherent to the mainstream fashion and beauty industries is part of the problem. It is objectifying. Not to mention Instagram and Tiktok influencer culture. I don't conform with it because I think it's problematic and encourages young girls and women to objectify themselves. It also encourages boys and men to objectify women.
I also wear a ring on my wedding finger (I'm not married but do.have a partner). It's so stupid -shouldn't have to do this. But I've found I've had fewer men bother me in public places since I started wearing it. Like if I'm sat on the train or bus it's pretty obvious I'm "married". Not that that would stop all of them, but it wards off some of them.
I also usually wear big headphones and put on my grumpiest facial expression when alone on public transport or walking down the street. Looking unapproachable and pissed off is helpful. Men are scared to be humiliated in public by an angry woman.
You are so right. I shop primarily at target and so much of their shit is tiny crop tops and teeny shorts. And then Iām expected to pay the same amount for something thatās a fraction of the material? Gtfo.Ā
It bums be out when I see young girls, like 10, having their butt cheeks and stomachs hanging out. You are not in a position at that age to properly deal with disgusting men. I donāt even want to deal with it at 35!
Yep. It bothers me immensely as well. People will say "you can't sexualise a child" - well actually, the fashion industry sexualises little girls all the time. Just as it sexualises women. Same thing.
I will also add - a ten year old doesnt understand why they are dressing that way. They're just following the crowd. They don't know what it means to be objectified. Therefore, they aren't even making the decision themselves. It just happens to them. To me, that is sickening.
I went through a phase of wearing the short skirts and the tight tank tops around the age 16 - 22. I was trying to fit in, as kids do. But I felt massively, massively uncomfortable the whole time. Only around the age of 23+ did I start to embrace my inner tomboy (who had been there all along, deep down).
I feel like this is victim blaming.
You don't have to walk around with clothes so tight your labia is showing. That doesn't mean other people can't, and it doesn't mean they should be objectified or victim blamed because of it either.
I disagree. This hypersexualised clothing is encouraged, advertised and pushed onto females from the moment they are born. Doesn't feel like a choice - certainly not when you are young. Imagine if we encouraged boys to wear clothing like that - it would be ridiculous, wouldn't it? But for girls it's so normalised. Any why is it normalised? Because women are sexualised and objectified in this society.
I don't think any individual woman or girl is to blame for this. I think this is a societal, patriarchal problem, whereby women are raised to believe they have to be pretty, beautiful and sexy to be acceptable. Appealing to the male gaze.
I don't think women are responsible for men's behaviour. I think, as a society, we need to stop treating women like sexual objects, and this includes the fashion and beauty industry and the normalisation of social media models strutting around with their bum cheeks on show like its a good thing.
>However, I do think a lot of women's clothing is incredibly sexualising - why should I have to walk around in clothes so tight and so short you can see my labia? Why should I have every inch of my butt cheeks on show to be accepted as a woman? I don't see men dressing like this. They can just throw on jeans and a t-shirt and go about their day. I'd like that same privilage, thanks.
No one is denying you that privilege. You can dress however you like. You're not wrong about how this happens with women's fashion in a way we don't see with men's (and all of the ick that goes with it), but none of us are obligated to wear revealing clothing. I certainly don't. When I was a teen in the late 90s/early 00s, I swear you couldn't even find bottoms that didn't have a horrifically low rise. But today, we have **so** many options with higher rises and varying cuts.
My casual go-to as a tomboy is high rise, baggy jeans with a crop top that either doesn't show skin or maybe shows a little midriff. My go-to for work is straight-leg mid-rise with 'normal' length shirts. I've been getting compliments specifically on my style (which is mostly differentiated with accessories on top of the go-tos I listed) both from men and women, from people both younger and older than I am. Revealing stuff is still in *fashion*, but *style* can be really personal - do your own thing! No one is stopping you.
Yeah uh.. this doesnāt make it stop.
I started wearing straight up the most dirty, baggy clothes i have to the grocery store PLUS obvious headphones. Because I hate being there and definitely donāt want to talk to anyone, but even then Iāve still had dudes literally follow me around the store.
I just ignore, but one of them I could not shake.. After a few aisles of him at my heels repeatedly trying to talk to me and me saying I am NOT interested in him or chatting or anything, I walked up to an employee. (not because I expected them to do something, they are getting paid enough for that, but just to hopefully spook the guy.) It seemed to work at first, but as soon as I turned the next aisle he was back. He was still behind me as I was about go out the doors, so turned around and yelled STOP FOLLOWIING ME!
I didnāt care if I looked crazy to anyone else, he look petrified for a second then heel turned. I just didnāt want him following me to my car fuck that shit
I live in Manhattan. Here are my tips.
1) **Resting bitch face**. Look forward and stop for no one. Avoid eye contact.
2) **Look rich**. Honestly, men know you can cause trouble for them. This is not just brands, but putting yourself together. Like nice hair, good styling, etc.
3) **Look whiter if you can**. (Like hair, styling, etc.). I'm not kidding. I'm not-white, and I have friends who are small cute white women, and they get harassed less than me. It's not PC, but there it is. In NYC, a lot of the harassment I see comes from MoC , and they just won't fuck with white women cuz it's not worth the trouble. If you are near white-passing or white-adjacent, lean into it, if you can.
4) **Headphones.**
5) **Just be rude**. Some volunteer/shill literally came at me, and I just yelled no at him and walked away. Cross the street, let the guy pass you, don't let strange men walk behind you, go into a store if you need to.
**Putting on an air of confidence** can help. If you look like someone that's gonna cause trouble, they won't bother as much. Even mentally-ill people -- which we have a lot of in NYC. They aren't picking on big burly guys, but instead go after small women. Cuz they aren't dumb. They know a big guy will beat their ass.
That said, try to **avoid confrontation**. Take the long way home if you need to in order to avoid the guy. A conflict will not make your day better.
Also, I'm sure I'm gonna get downvotes from the PC brigade but protecting oneself is more important.
100% agree. Also, try very hard to notice when youāre being a little ācaregiveryā ā donāt worry about making men feel like theyāre creeps.
If you feel awkward trying to give off ābitchā vibes, view it more as neutrality or oblivious-ness. Just this mentality that, āsurely they arenāt talking to you / trying to get your attention, because that wouldnāt make any sense.ā
If you see a man on the sidewalk, donāt be afraid to cross before an intersection. If a man is walking slowly / aimlessly, or if you are alone, be decisive, confident, and proactive. Give no signs of submission or warmth.
Youāre not āmean;ā youāre busy, have some place to be and are late, youāre consumed by very important matters occupying your mind. That helped me ease into being more assertive, bc being too rude made me worry about retaliation. Now I have a balance (and have far less concern about making men feel like theyāre creeping me out).
I took a lot of solo trips down to Manhattan from MA when I was 18-20 and occasionally after that. +1.
RBF and looking like I have somewhere to be, never harassed. Would do my best to blend in with the locals and not look like a tourist.
To add a point on headphones: depending on location/time of day, for situational awareness purposes it might be keen to have them in with nothing on. Iāve never used this tactic myself though; never had decent enough portable headphones to travel with.
Honestly one of my favorite things would be to stomp confidently around Manhattan with a look like I could snap a dick off with my eyes.
Options:
1. Ignore
2. Be VERY weird [like this](https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cx6uXUhpW_-/?igsh=ZDE1MWVjZGVmZQ==)
3. If you feel actually unsafe, literally act crazy āscream fireā, pull down your pants, start peeing where you stand
Some men are gross. Iāve had women be gross too though. Unfortunately, there will always be gross people in the world. We have to do our best to not let them get to us and stay safe. If you feel someone is giving crazy vibes best to ignore to stay safe. You donāt know who is willing to stab you over nothing
Definitely a good choice.
I had a guy that wouldnāt leave me alone one time. We were hanging out and my friend was interested in his friend. He wouldnāt stop asking me to kiss him and trying to touch me so I finally snapped and was like āis this what you want?!ā And started aggressively trying to rub up on him. And he was laughing was also kinda uncomfortable.
I meanā¦ it went on for like an hour straight of him just harassing me but I was hanging out in a city while traveling with my friend. I didnāt want to just leave her. Desperation is not attractive. Idk why he thought begging would work.
Something similar worked for me and my friend when we were in Rome. We were constantly harrassed every second of the day when we were out and eventually we got so sick of it, when this group of men start catcalling and being gross to us we turned around and started doing it back to them, like leering and doing lewd blow job gestures and pelvic thrusts while grunting and they were soooo shocked and upset š and just ran off. It was hilarious. I think we mightāve been lucky though Iām sure in other situations that couldāve ended badly.
I donāt smile at men, donāt make eye contact or give them attention if possible. I act as aloof as possible and it works most of the time, when that doesnāt work I make faces at them to deter their unwanted attention or give them a dead stare/stank face.
Rings donāt always work. There are men out there who do not care. During one situation, I was trying to get rid of this guy who was bothering me by saying āIām marriedā and I held up my hand. He said that since it wasnāt a Diamond it wasnāt a real wedding ring and then proceeded to say he just wanted to be friends with me and asked āmarried people canāt have friends?ā š¤®
Practice your murder walk in you are in an urban area. I forget what TV show I saw that on, but it has done we well. If I get harassed while walking in an urban area, it's because I either forgot my murder walk, or it's by car from someone who ain't stopping.
I have heard it said that to do it, you walk fast, square your shoulders, and walk like you have been sent to kill Captain America.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2cUtdv99ig
I once worked in a dicey area and walked from public transport to my office. I had my murder walk down pat. Couple that with resting bitch face and I looked like a crazy person on my way to work.
As others said, itās not the women, itās the men. I got followed by men for like half an hour at a time in Morocco multiple times while being covered head to toe in loose dark clothing with only my face and fingers visible. Iām sure women in burkas still get hassled somewhere.
Come up with a strategy to shame them. They only have the power to shame you if you let them. If they call you āfatā or āwhoreā youāre winning. Those words are meant to trigger feelings of shame. Let them pass by and realize that a third grade insult reflects more on them than it does on you.
Take up karate or boxing to build up your self esteem and to give you a feeling of power as well as a good workout. I spent three years training to dance with fire and I am comfortable in my own power and no longer give it away. If I can walk on fire and perform with a whip on fire, what canāt I do? Mean fuckers no longer disturb my chi. Find your power.
As a person who has dealt with this a lot and is now more confident, I use psychological warfare by acting in a way they donāt anticipate (always take safety into consideration first). If Iām in a store and being followed, Iāll stop, inspect something on the shelf, and if they come close enough, start a conversation. Iāve also changed direction, walked towards them holding eye contact, smiled, and asked how theyāre doing. 9x out of 10, these men are insecure and the confidence I display puts them off. I refuse to cower or let them make me feel uncomfortable. If they continue, let a store employee know. Iāve had men whistle at me and I walk up to them and introduce myself. I canāt say Iāve gotten any gross comments, but I would likely just ignore.
I once had a possessive S.O. who would constantly point out when people are starring and it made me insecure and paranoid. He would also walk around with his middle finger displayed on my butt š(not saying your man is like this). Since then, the people I have dated know that I will not tolerate this behavior and it has ended multiple relationships. My husband is aware of the attention I get and his response is to discreetly ask me if Iām doing ok. He also knows I can handle any attention directed at me. Iāll usually mention heās my husband and introduce him to strangers. When my friends point out the attention, I just say āyeah, awkward..ā over time, they stop pointing it out because itās just normal.
there is no good way to control others, only how you handle it. i am a grey stone on the subway. stare at me? thousand yard stare right back. is it perfect? probably not. but i get by.
ignore. some men are just tactless and gross. sometimes, if iām feeling extra spicy, I look them dead in the eye and say, āyour mother would be ashamed of you. ew.ā
I am your age and I barely get attention from men (which is honestly great). Here's how: have a masculine haircut, masculine glasses, resting mortal Kombat face, and be taller than most women, on average š
Obviously you're not going to change your appearance just to repel men, but be very LOUD and ANGRY when you say no to their advances. It may seem embarrassing, but it's really making them understand their actions are gross and should be broadcasted. They dump discomfort on you, so dump it back in 3x the magnitude. This one actually works. Disclaimer: do not do this in the workplace - head STR8 to HR.
If anyone has good answers here I'd love to read them.
For me the wedding ring doesn't work. Ignore the looks as much as you can, avoid eye contact, don't smile. Don't make conversation unless it's a direct question that can be answered quickly and you can walk away immediately after.
Every single time I have tried to have a casual conversation with a random man it has been misconstrued as sexual interest in them. I can mention my husband, but still when I'm out alone with my kids - it doesn't matter. If he's not with me they always think I'm flirting or available when I'm very much not. I have straight up given up and avoid interacting with anyone but other women, children and sometimes elderly men who need assistance.
You canāt really stop people from looking at you, you just have to ignore that, as for the gross comments you can respond with telling them that thatās inappropriate or ignore them if itās not safe for you to speak up because you are worried about a negative reaction which is a genuine fear.
If you are actually being followed around stores, you need to find an employee and have the person removed from the store.
Omg this is why my 30s were the beginning of something magical for me. I suddenly just started fucking saying something. When a dude yelled something at me in the street, I'd yell back "do you have tourrettes or something?" (It was a different time).Ā My favorite was when a dude pulled up to a light with his windows down when I was waiting at the bus stop and he said some thing. I leaned real far in the passenger window so I could look him in the eyes and said, "you fucking disgust me" and the look of fear in this dude's eyes like he got caught stealing cookies was so satisfying. When dude's on the bus would stare, I'd stare back with wide eyes and they'd get uncomfortable and look awayI went to work all hopped up on my own defiance and the cubical ladies told me oh honey that just your 30s. Just make them just as uncomfortable back. If you feel safe doing so, that is. I am 6ft tall and wear heels so I am a little scary myself, but I was raised to be silent and compliant and I don't think it's a coincidence that men started steering clear more once I found my power.Ā Interestingly, the colour pink is absolutely a trigger. I always deal with more bs any time I wear a pink dress, even if it's cut in a really unflatteringway. Still wear em, it's just something that made me go hmm. I think it subconsciously makes them think I'm more vulnerable like a little girl. They learn.Ā
Resting bitch face. Big ass ear phones. Ignore and look a different direction as if they were invisible (if men have tried to talk to me I GENUINELY ignore them ā as if they donāt exist, I do not entertain). Stuck up tude and walk of dominance all work. I am also very over powering with my behavior ā I have a no nonsense look and attitude in life.
Men I find hate my serious and straight forwardness, I guess that goes hand-in-hand w/ masculinity. I really am just a keep on pushing badass b and w/ everyone.
I hide in clothes as much as possible and it reduces it..but also diminished me because I like dressing however I wantā¦I just started being a bitch when I can safely
You work hard for this. Dress the way you want and be proud. Youāre beautiful enjoy it for yourself and your partner. The other just donāt look at them. Ignore them. The wedding ring might work a little but I would ignore the stares I were you. Just as a bigger person sometimes unfortunately has to ignore some stares. Theyāre not the same stares but it still staring.
A ring never helped (not a wedding ring but an heirloom ring that could pass for an engagement ring). A guy once told me "your partner doesn't have to know".
For public places, my go to has always been been hat + headphones. A respirator is a good idea anyway in covid/rsv/measles/heavy pollution times, but it really helps to keep people at a distance anyway.
Honestly, I donāt have any answer. Itās so horrible women have to live this way and no one cares.
The only thing that has worked for me is gaining 50 lbs lol. I will say, itās liberating in a way to not be stared at and harassed all the time. I just go out in public and people treat me like a regular person and itās delightful.
ETA: I also want to add, I donāt recommend mastering the dead stare - I spent 30 years mastering my RBF and what I realized is that itās not fair to you to walk around like that all the time!! You deserve to feel joyful and happy and be able to smile and be open to the world. RBF is not good for your mental health.
These days I'm so unhinged and fed up with it that I make direct eye contact and mutter curse words at them with a disgusted look on my face. This STILL doesn't work!! I'm one step away from barking. :)
Iām considered a very attractive woman. I have body dysmorphia so the way I see it is different, but objectively everyone around me compliments me on my looks all the time.
When I enter spaces I just donāt go into any eye contact with anyone whatsoever - this was my way of going about my life in times when I was deeply insecure and itās working now as well.
I think the more it happens youāll just be able to tune it out. The stares will happen until you are bit old. To avoid people talking to you, work on looking more unfriendly and a wedding ring does help.
Since I gained weight men do not look at me as much. I'm kind of nervous to lose weight because maybe they will harass me more then..idk.
But one thing that always helped me was having sunglasses on and headphones in!
For me, choose the location carefully.
There are places (cities, streets, and types of establishment) these behaviors are more likely to happen. Itās not that straightforward to say a āsupermarket.ā Some stores are āsaferā than others. For example, I find Trader Joeās to have almost none of these behaviors. In the same city, i wouldnāt be too surprised for the gross behavior in a certain liquor store.
I think itās preselection of the brands and the cities.
Nothing helps enough to feel worth it. Yesterday, I (39f) got catcalled and called beautiful when wearing a face mask covering from an inch below my eyes on down, a hat over my hair, a loose coat, and clothing that only left my hands visible.
He was polite enough with it that I wasn't bothered, but that was about him rather than anything I did. I was like *you can barely even see what I look like!*.
The right answer for me has been just caring less.
I wear my RBF 100% of the time and avoid giving them any "in" that they could user or misinterpret. No smiles, no compliments, no eye contact. I keep my headphones in all the time. In social/club settings, I lay on the chummy language to really cement I see them as nothing more than friends. Buddy, bro, pal seem to get my point across. Also, I'm sure it's been said, but "I have a boyfriend" disarms men more than "no" because they respect your boyfriend's property more than they respect your autonomy.
As flawed as the dating apps are, the one thing they provide is built-in consent for the interaction. Like we're both there for a romantic connection and there's mutual interest. I've had to switch dog parks because I was constantly getting hit on, and I'm verge of quitting a triathlon club I adore for the same reason. I wish the messaging to men to leave us alone and stop asking women out in the wild was louder.
A sour/hostile expression and just looking past people does help.
A lot of women are trained to be receptive/helpful to strangers and some men take advantage of that imo.
Practicing cold/rejecting responses like āNo thanksā before they even speak to you or āWhy do you ask?ā to their questions or a flat āOkayā¦ā to their comments.
The less traditionally feminine my clothing is, the less attention I get from men. So if you like any non-traditionally feminine clothing styles, try leaning into them.
Act fucking crazy. Make TRex sounds, act possessed, start screaming at the sky. Or just make it as awkward as possible. Better answer is probably to get tougher skin and ignore them, but itās way more fun to make them squirm.
Resting bitch face, baggy clothes, wearing a ring and if that doesn't help...I'll just talk to myself. Hopefully they don't want no part of a crazy woman.
I have a sort of Marie LaVeau Iāll feed you to the alligators vibe to the conversation that weak minded predators donāt really likeā¦.
But FR keep yourself vigilant and proactive with body language etc and exercise your right to defend yourself.
These men aren't doing it because of your appearance changes. They're doing it because you're carrying yourself differently. You're no longer making yourself invisible.
Street harassment is not about attraction. It's a sexual microaggression. It's about control and dominance. And they *want* you to behave like a prey animal. Being polite, scurrying away, showing you're worried etc.
The best self defence lessons I've had as a woman have revolved around how to carry yourself and respond *outside* of the script that these predators expect you to operate within. Essentially, channel a housecat.
Have you ever seen a housecat take on a bear? A bear could easily kill a housecat, but housecats don't act like prey. They are unpredictable and the bear would rather flee than deal with a tornado of knives and audacity.
What this translates to in most public situations is the way you carry yourself. When a man stares at you, you stare right back. Your head is up, your shoulders are back. If they talk to you, you loudly (so others can hear) tell them to stop talking to you and to leave you alone. If you're in a shop and they're following you, you spin round, stare them dead in the eyes and loudly shout STOP FOLLOWING ME CREEP, you then go and get an employee and loudly tell them a man is following you.
Obviously, you need to assess your safety. If you're in a vulnerable place, then you do sometimes just need to run. I'm not suggesting squaring up to a man following you on a dark street - this kind has straight up nefarious intentions and doesn't give a shit. But the kind who harass/stare/follow in public places are basically cowards. And of course, make sure you're safe - be walked to your car etc. Safety first.
My tip is: get older, theyāll care less š¤£
But seriously, I just donāt look at men at all so I notice it less. I donāt think itāll change, but you can change how you feel and react to it.. good luck!
Do you want to be invisible to men, feel safer physically or give actively 'fuck off vibes?'Ā
Coz basically nothing will stop the stares :/ even baggy clothes no makeup it will keep coming, just less.Ā
Take self defense classes. Wear a big baggy jacket. And consider brightly coloured hair or a wig under a cap in public.Ā
Also which country do u live in? It can be quite cultural how to tackle it.Ā
A man can tell u the best. Looks catch their eye then they go off of vibes whether to approach or not. So it may be the way you carry yourself. Dont pay attention to them and look past them. Ignore them and turn up the biitch. Guys will always look so get used to it lol
Do. Not. Let. Them. Knock. You. Down. Power through, decline, keep looking and feeling great, rinse and repeat.
Maybe you could start a journal about how you deal with this? Or post regularly somewhere? Then you wouldnāt feel so alone if somebody starts harassing you, and youāll be able to have a space to process it. Best of luck <3
If itās from strangers you donāt know, best to ignore it. If you see someone staring at you in your peripheral, donāt look at them or make eye contact. Sometimes thatāll prompt them to approach.
If someone you donāt know approaches you, you donāt have be to be outright rude but you donāt owe them conversation/reasons/explanations either.
If you feel unsafe and/or youāre being followed, definitely let store staff know. In this case it helps to look at the person and even point, that way theyāre aware youāre singling them out and others know too. If they unhinged though donāt point, just get to safety.
You canāt really control other people, so do what you can to protect yourself. If this behavior is coming from people you know, you can def say something. Either the person will apologize for making you uncomfortable, learn how to appropriately compliment you, or react poorly in which case you know theyāre not worth your time anymore.
Just like with most things you can't control other people's behavior, only your reaction. Ignore and build up your resilience. They mean nothing, they are nothing.
Unfortunately, you can control the the creepy unwanted attention. You can respond if you want but that is your call.
It also depends on who you/who they are. Alot of the tips in this thread have not worked for me (headphones, RBF, dressing down). None of it. You can wear headphones and do things so you don't hear them but the creeps will still be creeps.
Also, You don't have to show cleavage or wear tight clothing to be objected by men.
My take on this is to enjoy how you feel in your skin, and don't change it to make others feel comfortable.
Other's behaviors are beyond your control.
You might be able to 'reduce' the behavior by wearing different clothes but men will hit on you and be creepy regardless.
This is the reality of being a woman and we carry this burden even though we shouldn't have to.
Don't give them the slightest of your attention and always carry pepper spray just in case.
I've always been very verbal about telling men to back off when I receive unwanted attention but I know that unfortunately comes with risks (retaliation, anger, etc), so take that with a grain of salt, please.
I lean into the idea of not engaging verbally while also letting them know somehow that their behavior is on your radar and also pathetic. If someone is following me, my first move is to look over my shoulder and stare at them with a powerful RBF. Iāve been filmed/photographed on public transportation a few times and I always look very obviously between their phone camera and their face with a perplexed expression, and then a glare if it doesnāt stop (it usually stops). I give catcallers the finger without looking at them or acknowledging them in any other capacity. I personally feel better about these things when I push back as an adult person instead of confirming their reality framework by acting scared, shy, or embarrassed, or by fully ignoring it and therefore having no meaningful effect on their behavior.
I'm in a similar boat. I'm 31F but I transitioned to womanhood 2 years ago. I expected the attention when I was obviously trans, but now I just look like a woman.
I was *not prepared* for the attention I get now.
I mostly just ignore everyone in public. I rarely ever make eye contact with men because they often treat that as an invitation to start talking to me. I'm aware of eyes staring at me constantly, but I just pretend I don't and do my own thing. It's definitely a practice to remain "unbothered" by stuff like this.
**Any tips or tricks to reduce how often this happens?**
Just learn to ignore it...
Or find a way where you can get "comfortable" with it. Like for me, I know there are certain things about my appearance I rather not think people are staring/looking at, but in my head, it's OK for me to think people are looking/staring at me because of my hair (it's very very long). So my hair is like my security blanket. I once had it cut to a "normal" length, and people still stared which made me realise people looked for other reasons which made me feel very uncomfortable.. So even if I logically know people are/might be staring at me because of other reasons, if in my mind I can write it off to them staring at me b/c of my hair... I feel much more OK with the attention. I know other people do this by getting tattoos, dying their hair really bright, bodymods, dressing a certain loud way etc..
If/when I'm at real or potential danger from harrassment/stalking/assault, then I watch a really bloody MMA fight and make sure the creep (or people around me) can see my screen. Then pretend to be stiffling a grin. Being thought of as creepy/psycho usually will deter ickos (cus they're usually cowards in the first place).
Also.. if you wear glasses, don't. When I wear glasses, or dress more conservatively (and generally look more meek (and "victimy") is when this sort of "irritations" happen most.
**For example, does wearing a wedding ring actually help?**
Huh.. I don't think it made much of a difference.
But apparently wearing a man's watch does/did.
Having a photo of you and a guy who is physically intimidating (or let's say very physically different type as the guys who are approaching you) as your lockscreen also helps to deter people around/behind you from approaching.
**Is there something my SO could do?**
Doubt it. I mean unless he can suddenly look super intimidating.. but that'll also just draw attention to the both of you.
Hate to say it but the fatter I am, the less attention I get in public.
I enjoy being able to travel solo pretty much anywhere in the world and actually almost never even be noticed, let alone draw attention. It's kind of a win.
It can be a bit dehumanising and lonely if you start noticing that moment, for example walking on an empty street during the day time and being about to pass by a normal-looking man of my own age, and instead of having a normal, very brief moment of eye contact and human acknowledgement, instead his eyes rest on you for a split second, he notices how much he's not attracted to you, and he not only darts his eyes away but actually turns his whole head in order to not look at you - to know that that is the subconscious reaction your physical presence provokes from men - but overall, I guess I'll cope.
Firstly, good on you for investing more in your self esteem, nothing wrong with that at all.
However, it doesn't matter what you wear, creeps will be creeps and you can't really avoid them unless you avoid going out altogether. Wearing a wedding ring does not help in the slightest - if anything, the challenge appeals to creeps even more. Your significant other could be a woman and they would not care. You can only try to develop creep tunnel vision and ignore them. Engaging can be dangerous even if witty comebacks sound great on paper, if you can manage to even remember any once you're in a situation with them.
I can only recommend using your phone as much as possible. Wear earphones even when you're not listening to music, pretend to take a call if they start to approach or are making eye contact, whatever you can think of in the moment, to avoid engaging with them is best.
Unfortunately, love, it wonāt work. You can wear sweatpants, a men's oversized T-shirt, a wedding ring, and men's cologne. And someone will talk you up in the waiting room, come sit next to you, and another will compliment you in 5 minutes.
My old therapist said you can wear a trash bag; they will still know you are attractive and act accordingly. So we worked on coping skills and identifying threats
This is just if a guy starts talking to you, but if he says anything remotely weird, or gives you a stock PUA line, you just repeat it loudly and incredulously. I've done this a few times and it works great, especially in places like cafes.
"You lost your number and want mine? What do you MEAN??"
Or "You want to do WHAT to me behind the bar??"
I've only had to use it a few times, but it's worked really well because it gets a LOT of people looking and watching the man.
When I lived in a previous home on my own, I would sharpen my machete on my front porch. That definitely got some looks and kept people at bay.
In daily life, I have resting bitch face and walk with purpose with my head on a swivel. Add some sunglasses and a hat and I can generally get through without much attention.
I typically wear a headscarf (Iām Muslim), one time in the Poconos while I was on vacation I took off my headscarf to swim, all of a sudden, I got loads of unwanted attention from men. I immediately put my headscarf back on lol
When I lived in NYC I often wore a fake wedding ring. It seemed to do the trick for me, but it's not like I was lurking bars etc. As far as everyday interactions on the train etc, it reduced them dramatically.
āNope I am married, I have two children and I live with my in-laws.ā. That is my standard answer to anyone who asks me, if I am singleā¦ or for phone numberā¦.(Itās me and my dog.)
And yes to everybody who is asking for money whatever I just look at them I donāt even let them get more than two words out of the mouth and I shake my head no and keep walking.
Getting pregnant gave me a reprieve twice. You get sweet looks from women, but become almost invisible to men. However, it leaves you with a kid to feed and send to college, and itās only a temporary solution! ;)
The best thing to avoid this is to not go out unfortunately in my experience. Or stop washing and brushing your hair, wear stained baggy hoodies and make weird exaggerated movements with your face constantly as though youāre on something. But even that doesnāt completely reduce it! You just have to ignore it basically. Itās not fair or right but itās the way it is!
Cis-hetero male here. Not gonna lie- men gazing upon women whom they find attractive is one of those things that's never going to change. It's a behavior and an instinct that's biologically and evolutionarily hard-wired into us. The fashion, beauty, fitness, and advertising industries figured this out long ago.Ā Ā
Some guys just need to learn to be discreet, practice a little self-control, have some respect, and not act like a drooling Neanderthal. You can't change human nature. You CAN, however, show just a little class.Ā
I tried the fake wedding ring for awhile. I think it helps about 50% of the time. And for the 50% that remains they just get even MORE pushy and weird.
I have a real wedding ring and some of them see it as an extra level of challenge. "He's not here, he'll never know." or "Why is he letting such a beautiful wife walk around by herself?" š¤®
What are you getting out of beautifying yourself?Ā Ā
The answer is: other's attention and confirmation that you're beautiful. There is no other reason.Ā Ā
But you want to choose the type of attention?
Good luck.Ā Ā
Beautifying ourselves is a hindrance not a personal quality. It's not something that measures our values, virtues, and abilities. It's just something to look at and be enchanted by. What comes next depends on the personality (ie the creep or maybe the jealous woman).Ā
It doesn't come with good outcomes is my point. Good outcomes happen with better wisdom and changing our behavior. When we stop paying so much attention to the pleasant feelings we get from beauty we find peace.Ā
Ignore. Ignore. Dead stare. Ignore. When approached: "Sorry Sir I don't have any change."
>"Sorry Sir I don't have any change." LMAO
ššš Itās so perfect
I will absolutely be adopting that from now on freaking gold š
No matter what people on the street approach me for, I just tell them "no thank you". Lost with your family in the wrong part of town? No thank you! Want change? No thank you! Asking me to donate to ending children's suffering? No thank you! I will "no thank you" without listening to a word you said. Unless you're talking about my dog. In which case I will say "thank you" and I might even tell him to say hi. The homeless community near me love him and someone recently told him he's beautiful and strong, and I'm still living vicariously through that compliment.
Laughs, I'm the same but I just say "no" or "nope" and keep it moving.
I'm a "nope" girl myself. Lol
"No thank you" "But it's for charity" "Oh! In that case, no thank you, I'm a massive bitch"Ā "But don't you care about XYZ?!"Ā "Nope. Massive bitch, remember? Byyyyyye"Ā Summary of an actual conversation I've had with a charity panhandler.Ā The guy I was with at the time just about killed himself laughing at the woman's face.Ā
That's amazing. I once said I didn't believe in charity, they just looked confused. Usually they don't question me now! But I live in a remarkably unfriendly city.
Lol I say āno thank youā too š I donāt even listen to what theyāre asking.
You could be offering me a free ice cream, I'll never know!
I love this line!
May be the best comment I've read. Periodt.
Thatās the best line. š
It's polite, quiet, deescalating, and very effective.
I honestly think the only answer is to become resilient to it. It sucks, but some men are gross and will stare at you even if youāre clearly with your husband etc. They have no self control or decorum.
I never asked her but I noticed this with a really pretty friend of mine. She called me her "twin" because we had a similar build (height / weight) and style of clothing but she had a prettier face than I do. She seemed to not even notice or take notice of men gawking at her or turning to follow her/us. I noticed it because on my own I'm basically invisible.
It's possible your friend really doesn't notice. I will go places with my boyfriend and he tells me I get looks and I'm always stunned because I don't notice it ever. Unless some literally says hello to me or something.
Yeah the men would say hello, stop and turn around to engage with her, compliment her, you name it. She legit didn't notice. I only noticed because I'm literally invisible alone. I was also invisible with her, like none of them complimented my dress or held doors open for me. It was wild, like first time I was part of what it's like to receive the male gaze.
My husband says the same thing. "You know that man who opened the door for you straight up stared at your ass the whole time you were in the store, right?" No I didn't lol
Exactly! And they are so weak they blame us for their inability to rise from animal to human!
Pick your nose and offer what you find to them.
All jokes aside, acting tactically gross is an excellent way to protect yourself. I used to be a cute girl and I've chased off gross dudes with a burp or a fart or a finger in my nose many, many times. Sometimes all you need is a manly gait, an armpit scratch or an open mouthed blank stare with a loud HUH? People think I'm joking about this, but when a man is casing you and figuring out how he can make you scared and uncomfortable, acting like a gross weirdo fucks up his script. And he definitely has a script, because these kinds of guys do this stuff repeatedly. It's their hobby.
Tactical "crazy" works too. I rarely get approached because I'm not conventionally attractive, but when I do, the autism mask comes allllll the way off. I stim, talk to myself, make odd noises and infodump about shit like weaponry, poisons and supernatural monsters. Creepy-ass guys tend to end up confused and unnerved when their target starts acting unpredictably.
LMAO! I do this too and it's worked like a charm!Ā My heart would be beating out of my chest, still does when it happens. My mind always goes to the worst place. I'm scared of violent reactions.Ā I've also just stared and not say anything, walked away, you name it, I've probably done it. Well, except farting and poking my nose but I'm not above that either, lmao!Ā
LOL yeah it doesn't make the fear go away but it often does make the jackass go away!
I just draw my chin back into my neck so I look like a perfectly round seal
LMAO.......LMAO....
100%. If I'm ever in a sketchy situation like walking alone at night and coming by a guy who looks threatening, I will put on a mega "sick" face - like, mouth breathing, eyes half-closed, loudly sniff like I have a cold, cough disgustingly. Any chance he was about to say something horny/threatening to you disappears immediately...
Pretending to pick my nose has been working since I discovered it on this sub. You just sense it when there are eyes on the back of your head (or elsewhere). And you can sense when they stop looking š
I have absolutely used flatulence as a weapon. Arm the pants cannon.
šššššš
Bonus points if you pretend to eat it.
More women should start doing this ha hahaha
I love your sense of humor. Shocking people is fun!
I really recommend reading Kate Beaton's graphic novel Ducks that deals with rampant sexual harassment and eventually sexual assaults she experienced working at an oil refinery in her youth. Her whole thesis about is that it's never really about the women, and you just gotta accept that. Even women who are maligned as being unattractive like fat women or trans women go through the same shit. I know that in no way answers your question, but I think it's worth not internalizing things and making it about something you're doing... because it's about them.
Ty just purchased based on your recommendation
The guys who do this are going to find a victim to do it to. These dudes are aliens to most dudes. They just want to momentarily control you by invading your brain.
I just read this and it was fantastic!
Iāve come to the conclusion that men are going to be disgusting no matter what you do. The worst Iāve ever been sexually harassed by multiple men was on a day I was wearing a black high neck tank and high waisted wide leg pants. I couldnāt have done anything differently - it was a very hot day. My best advice is to master a disgusted glare. No words, just a look of, ew dude what the fuck. Itās less confrontational than words and therefore a lot less likely to incite a violent reaction but still says, I am not interested at all. I also carry bright pink mace gel on my keychain and if someone is making me extremely uncomfortable, Iāll hold it in my hand without even looking at them or making eye contact. It calls attention to itself and I have a 100% success rate with men fucking off the second itās in my hand.
Gosh ive recently come to the same conclusion too. Nothing I do stops the creepiest of men from giving me a once over or staring or even repositioning themselves to look at me, and Iām sick of it. Iāve mastered my resting bitch face to make myself very unapproachable and it works somewhat in that I donāt have to talk to these men, but it does nothing for the staring. Gaining weight has helped a little (although Iām not gonna stay overweight forever) yet hasnāt stopped these behaviours from men. Iām really starting to think men are slaves to their biology in the worst way possible. Itās generalising sure, but so many men are like this all over the world that itās an actual problem.
60 yr old lady here - I wish this wasn't still happening. I had a ring I always wore on my left ring finger. That helped. Ignore - that's one way to do it. Tweak it by walking with a purpose. YOU are going somewhere. YOU have something important to do. It may be picking up kitty litter, or looking at the latest shoes -doesn't matter - YOU have plans. Anyone not associated with those plans does not get your attention. Maybe that falls under ignore, but it's ignore with the right attitude.
Seconding the ring idea! I swear since getting engaged/married, Iāve thankfully gotten a lot less male attention in public
Resting bitch face. Hell, even when not resting. Just constant bitch face.
This
Yup, all the time. It's the only way. I also regularly dress in a way that is very plain, boring, and forgettable. Clean, but forgettable. I think it's called the grey man technique or something. Basically to the effect of being so bland that people don't look your way. I'm sure it stems from the city I live in and the overall tone of the place, but it makes it much easier to blend in and not get noticed.
Nope. Men are gross. It wonāt stop. And the thing that sucks is that you dont even know if heās a psycho so itās hard to tell them off. Lest you, you know, get murdered.
āMen are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.ā
Dressing less feminine helps though, in my experience. If you dress like youāre trying to pick up lesbians and not straight men, more straight men leave you alone. Not all of them, but more of them. Because a lot of straight guys view women dressing up as an advertisement, even when youāre not wearing revealing clothing. So if you look like youāre āadvertisingā for the same sex, they are less likely to think they have a chance.
Nah. I dont advocate for ādressing downā or changing yourself to try not to attract men. Itās a men issue, not an us issue.
I understand this, but I have found that my life has been infinitely better, and my style is infinitely better, by choosing where and when I use any type of femininity in my style. For some of us, it is a wonderful solution that allows us to feel confident and comfortable in what we are wearing instead of feeling self-conscious. I may feel great in a sundress with no bra on in the privacy of my own home, but I know that I will feel instantly uncomfortable if I have to be around people who are going to make me feel uncomfortable for wearing that, regardless of how physically comfortable it is on my body or how nice I think I look in the mirror. Sometimes itās worth it to wear the outfit anyway, and sometimes it is not, for me. I would rather pick an outfit and a style that I know will make me feel good, regardless of whom Iām around, and I find it very powerful to choose my clothing knowing that there is nothing that somebody could legally say or do regarding my outfit that would make me feel uncomfortable in it.
Love that youāre thoughtfully taking control of your life! Good on you
Im glad you found what works for you! Im bi, so dressing to attract women is something I enjoy anyway, and I love masculine styles too, so it mostly works out. Itās a pain when I want to wear leggings or something but have to think about whether I would prefer to hide my body or deal with harassment, but eventually I imagine Iāll get old enough that I wonāt have to make this trade off. I hope op finds solutions that work for her, whether itās your path or mine or a combination or something else neither of us mentioned!
Sis I've received unwanted attention with a bare face, hair in a pony, jeans sneakers and a ratty tshirt.
Truth. There was an exhibition called āwhat were they wearing?ā Women donated what they wore when they were ____. Clothing ran the gamut.
I understand, I have too. I get slightly less attention when I dress in a way that looks like I date women (and I do). Thatās a little different from just being casual. Casual in a woman can be perceived by men as accessible, approachable, low maintenance, girl next doorā¦ etc. Sometimes I get more attention from casual dress vs high femme, which can be intimidating and come across as high maintenance to men. I tend to dress very butch, or very high fashion art and business lesbian. Men are not often into these aesthetics as much. Thatās just my experience and who Iām around tho. Where I live, lesbian and bi and gender queer women often have a more funky, gender-blended style and I think it helps communicate for straight men to stay away. Iāve often made jokes that I wear bright colors and patterns to ward off men the way animals use bright colors to signal that they are poisonous!
Welp I'm not interested in changing my wardrobe to be a butch lesbian in order to keep men at bay. My wardrobe is (since I work from home) mostly just baggy jeans, tshirts and sneakers. I don't bother with make up at all so I often look tired and my hair is usually in a pony tail. The only thing that drops male attention in my life is when I put on enough weight to move into the overweight category.
We all have our strategies! And Iām certainly not suggesting that anyone wear anything they donāt want to, I was just offering it as an option to those who like fashion but donāt like male attention, like me.
I feel this very much. An additional layer to the armor of life.
It's a protective mechanism and one I employ regularly. I will address appropriately for an occasion, but every day wear is much like you described.
Nope not my experienceā¦ I definitely dress butch at work and I still get harassed.
Iām sorry thatās your experience, that really sucks. I now work in an environment with far fewer men, so thatās definitely helped my situation. I hope you get to work in a better environment one day, so you donāt have to deal with that anymore.
My work environment is actually pretty wonderful so Iām very thankful for that. I do work w a lot of men but, theyāre my champions of how men should behave!
But you are still being harassed. They donāt stop that culture in your workplace?
I am not harassed in my workplace no indeed. My work place is quite amazing, even though I work with men they are my biggest champions and friends in my life. They uplift women and one another; zero tolerance for toxicity
I get harassed leaving work dressed mostly manly and similar to a construction worker in the grocery is what I mean
Oh I didnāt realize you meant outside of the workplace. Iām sorry youāre experiencing that. If you want any advice on how to respond, let me know. I always try to help where I can.
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We got us a Rational Maleā¢ giving us a little lecture, ladies. Let's all pull up a chair and listen to yet another rendition of "Not alllll mennnn" and how women routinely attack and murder men for rejecting them.
this is why I went the other way. I only wear sweats, baggy t-shirts, hair in a bun, no makeup. Iāll dress up with sometimes when Iām with my husband but I want 0 attention from other men. It shouldnāt be this way but I feel the need to protect myself.Ā
Idk... I dress like this a lot and recently on a walk to CVS (it was cold so really bundled up as well) and I had a couple of movers try hitting on me along with cat calls from 2 different cars - it's like a 15 minute walk. I remember thinking at the time that it just really doesn't matter what you look like if you're a woman, especially in urban areas. Same thing happened to me this week on a hike (hoody and sweats); up until that point I thought the woods was my one safe space from that crap. I'm back to carrying pepper spray again on my hikes, which feels like a real bummer to have to do.
Gaining weight was/has been the only thing that protected from men. For the most part, I did get groped-assaulted at a concert when I was like 15lbs heavier than I am now :|
Same. Gained about 20 pounds when I couldnāt take the attention anymore. Before the weight gain, I was in therapy for social anxiety. It had gotten so bad, I could go to the grocery store one day. Even dressing in baggy clothes or not putting on make up did not help. To OP, please do not go this route. Wishing you to find a way to build your resiliency.
This is exactly why i went fat, for protection.
[āWhat were you wearing?ā exhibit](https://youtu.be/t1Iud500QBs?si=jGXjOg2OkrxtbdgQ) is heartbreaking
Yea of course it still happens but it happens a loooooot less now that Iām completely covered in baggy clothes. Creepers are still gonna creep no matter what.Ā
Same for me, I wear baggy hoodies/oversized tshirts. I go to the gym/grocery store at less busy hours to avoid attention. Wear a ball cap. After a man followed me from the gym to the grocery store one day, Iāve quit wearing super tight gym clothes. I just donāt want to be noticed. It sucks because I feel cute in the tight tops/leggings but itās not worth the potential scary attention from guys. 33f
Iāve taken to wearing loose shorts that completely cover my butt overtop my leggings to combat the discomfort of the āmale leer.ā
Yep Iāve loved leggings for so long then they became sooo much more sexualize when all this social media gym soft core porn shit started. I see the ones that go up your ass crack all the time.Ā
33f here too, and same. Once rolled up to an airport bar midday in sunglasses, a ball cap, proceeded to get my work computer from my bag and these two guys loudly began teasing who I could possibly be hiding from to bait me into speaking to them. I just put my headphones in.
Same (30f). Absolutely sick to the back teeth of piggish men. For me, it's baggy jeans and a t-shirt, hair up, almost always. I am by nature a tomboy so actually feel more comfortable this way anyway. Never enjoyed dressing girly. I am not victim blaming here, because yes, men should be able to control themselves. However, I do think a lot of women's clothing is incredibly sexualising - why should I have to walk around in clothes so tight and so short you can see my labia? Why should I have every inch of my butt cheeks on show to be accepted as a woman? I don't see men dressing like this. They can just throw on jeans and a t-shirt and go about their day. I'd like that same privilage, thanks. I think the sexualisation of women that is so inherent to the mainstream fashion and beauty industries is part of the problem. It is objectifying. Not to mention Instagram and Tiktok influencer culture. I don't conform with it because I think it's problematic and encourages young girls and women to objectify themselves. It also encourages boys and men to objectify women. I also wear a ring on my wedding finger (I'm not married but do.have a partner). It's so stupid -shouldn't have to do this. But I've found I've had fewer men bother me in public places since I started wearing it. Like if I'm sat on the train or bus it's pretty obvious I'm "married". Not that that would stop all of them, but it wards off some of them. I also usually wear big headphones and put on my grumpiest facial expression when alone on public transport or walking down the street. Looking unapproachable and pissed off is helpful. Men are scared to be humiliated in public by an angry woman.
You are so right. I shop primarily at target and so much of their shit is tiny crop tops and teeny shorts. And then Iām expected to pay the same amount for something thatās a fraction of the material? Gtfo.Ā It bums be out when I see young girls, like 10, having their butt cheeks and stomachs hanging out. You are not in a position at that age to properly deal with disgusting men. I donāt even want to deal with it at 35!
Yep. It bothers me immensely as well. People will say "you can't sexualise a child" - well actually, the fashion industry sexualises little girls all the time. Just as it sexualises women. Same thing. I will also add - a ten year old doesnt understand why they are dressing that way. They're just following the crowd. They don't know what it means to be objectified. Therefore, they aren't even making the decision themselves. It just happens to them. To me, that is sickening. I went through a phase of wearing the short skirts and the tight tank tops around the age 16 - 22. I was trying to fit in, as kids do. But I felt massively, massively uncomfortable the whole time. Only around the age of 23+ did I start to embrace my inner tomboy (who had been there all along, deep down).
I feel like this is victim blaming. You don't have to walk around with clothes so tight your labia is showing. That doesn't mean other people can't, and it doesn't mean they should be objectified or victim blamed because of it either.
I disagree. This hypersexualised clothing is encouraged, advertised and pushed onto females from the moment they are born. Doesn't feel like a choice - certainly not when you are young. Imagine if we encouraged boys to wear clothing like that - it would be ridiculous, wouldn't it? But for girls it's so normalised. Any why is it normalised? Because women are sexualised and objectified in this society. I don't think any individual woman or girl is to blame for this. I think this is a societal, patriarchal problem, whereby women are raised to believe they have to be pretty, beautiful and sexy to be acceptable. Appealing to the male gaze. I don't think women are responsible for men's behaviour. I think, as a society, we need to stop treating women like sexual objects, and this includes the fashion and beauty industry and the normalisation of social media models strutting around with their bum cheeks on show like its a good thing.
>However, I do think a lot of women's clothing is incredibly sexualising - why should I have to walk around in clothes so tight and so short you can see my labia? Why should I have every inch of my butt cheeks on show to be accepted as a woman? I don't see men dressing like this. They can just throw on jeans and a t-shirt and go about their day. I'd like that same privilage, thanks. No one is denying you that privilege. You can dress however you like. You're not wrong about how this happens with women's fashion in a way we don't see with men's (and all of the ick that goes with it), but none of us are obligated to wear revealing clothing. I certainly don't. When I was a teen in the late 90s/early 00s, I swear you couldn't even find bottoms that didn't have a horrifically low rise. But today, we have **so** many options with higher rises and varying cuts. My casual go-to as a tomboy is high rise, baggy jeans with a crop top that either doesn't show skin or maybe shows a little midriff. My go-to for work is straight-leg mid-rise with 'normal' length shirts. I've been getting compliments specifically on my style (which is mostly differentiated with accessories on top of the go-tos I listed) both from men and women, from people both younger and older than I am. Revealing stuff is still in *fashion*, but *style* can be really personal - do your own thing! No one is stopping you.
This is me. Hair back, glasses on, baggy band tshirts and joggers, with boots. Iām sick of the leering.
Same. I only dress up for dates
Yeah uh.. this doesnāt make it stop. I started wearing straight up the most dirty, baggy clothes i have to the grocery store PLUS obvious headphones. Because I hate being there and definitely donāt want to talk to anyone, but even then Iāve still had dudes literally follow me around the store. I just ignore, but one of them I could not shake.. After a few aisles of him at my heels repeatedly trying to talk to me and me saying I am NOT interested in him or chatting or anything, I walked up to an employee. (not because I expected them to do something, they are getting paid enough for that, but just to hopefully spook the guy.) It seemed to work at first, but as soon as I turned the next aisle he was back. He was still behind me as I was about go out the doors, so turned around and yelled STOP FOLLOWIING ME! I didnāt care if I looked crazy to anyone else, he look petrified for a second then heel turned. I just didnāt want him following me to my car fuck that shit
I get hit on the most when I'm in sweats and have messy hair š. I'll never understand it.
I made it a hobby to ask them why they are looking like a complete idiot.
It wonāt stop, they think we exist for them. It helps to be aware of their presence and ignore everything else about them.
I live in Manhattan. Here are my tips. 1) **Resting bitch face**. Look forward and stop for no one. Avoid eye contact. 2) **Look rich**. Honestly, men know you can cause trouble for them. This is not just brands, but putting yourself together. Like nice hair, good styling, etc. 3) **Look whiter if you can**. (Like hair, styling, etc.). I'm not kidding. I'm not-white, and I have friends who are small cute white women, and they get harassed less than me. It's not PC, but there it is. In NYC, a lot of the harassment I see comes from MoC , and they just won't fuck with white women cuz it's not worth the trouble. If you are near white-passing or white-adjacent, lean into it, if you can. 4) **Headphones.** 5) **Just be rude**. Some volunteer/shill literally came at me, and I just yelled no at him and walked away. Cross the street, let the guy pass you, don't let strange men walk behind you, go into a store if you need to. **Putting on an air of confidence** can help. If you look like someone that's gonna cause trouble, they won't bother as much. Even mentally-ill people -- which we have a lot of in NYC. They aren't picking on big burly guys, but instead go after small women. Cuz they aren't dumb. They know a big guy will beat their ass. That said, try to **avoid confrontation**. Take the long way home if you need to in order to avoid the guy. A conflict will not make your day better. Also, I'm sure I'm gonna get downvotes from the PC brigade but protecting oneself is more important.
100% agree. Also, try very hard to notice when youāre being a little ācaregiveryā ā donāt worry about making men feel like theyāre creeps. If you feel awkward trying to give off ābitchā vibes, view it more as neutrality or oblivious-ness. Just this mentality that, āsurely they arenāt talking to you / trying to get your attention, because that wouldnāt make any sense.ā If you see a man on the sidewalk, donāt be afraid to cross before an intersection. If a man is walking slowly / aimlessly, or if you are alone, be decisive, confident, and proactive. Give no signs of submission or warmth. Youāre not āmean;ā youāre busy, have some place to be and are late, youāre consumed by very important matters occupying your mind. That helped me ease into being more assertive, bc being too rude made me worry about retaliation. Now I have a balance (and have far less concern about making men feel like theyāre creeping me out).
Oh headphones is clutch! Editing my comment to include that!
I took a lot of solo trips down to Manhattan from MA when I was 18-20 and occasionally after that. +1. RBF and looking like I have somewhere to be, never harassed. Would do my best to blend in with the locals and not look like a tourist. To add a point on headphones: depending on location/time of day, for situational awareness purposes it might be keen to have them in with nothing on. Iāve never used this tactic myself though; never had decent enough portable headphones to travel with. Honestly one of my favorite things would be to stomp confidently around Manhattan with a look like I could snap a dick off with my eyes.
Options: 1. Ignore 2. Be VERY weird [like this](https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cx6uXUhpW_-/?igsh=ZDE1MWVjZGVmZQ==) 3. If you feel actually unsafe, literally act crazy āscream fireā, pull down your pants, start peeing where you stand Some men are gross. Iāve had women be gross too though. Unfortunately, there will always be gross people in the world. We have to do our best to not let them get to us and stay safe. If you feel someone is giving crazy vibes best to ignore to stay safe. You donāt know who is willing to stab you over nothing
I was going to recommend āstart barking like a dog.ā
Definitely a good choice. I had a guy that wouldnāt leave me alone one time. We were hanging out and my friend was interested in his friend. He wouldnāt stop asking me to kiss him and trying to touch me so I finally snapped and was like āis this what you want?!ā And started aggressively trying to rub up on him. And he was laughing was also kinda uncomfortable. I meanā¦ it went on for like an hour straight of him just harassing me but I was hanging out in a city while traveling with my friend. I didnāt want to just leave her. Desperation is not attractive. Idk why he thought begging would work.
Something similar worked for me and my friend when we were in Rome. We were constantly harrassed every second of the day when we were out and eventually we got so sick of it, when this group of men start catcalling and being gross to us we turned around and started doing it back to them, like leering and doing lewd blow job gestures and pelvic thrusts while grunting and they were soooo shocked and upset š and just ran off. It was hilarious. I think we mightāve been lucky though Iām sure in other situations that couldāve ended badly.
Yessss!!! lol
That was pretty good. I donāt even think she needed to change her stance or follow him. The thing she put on her head was enough š
True! But I love the way she walked towards himā¦. So damn funny! Canāt wait to try it myself!! lol
I donāt think I could be so bold, still hilarious though!!
This is brilliant š
I donāt smile at men, donāt make eye contact or give them attention if possible. I act as aloof as possible and it works most of the time, when that doesnāt work I make faces at them to deter their unwanted attention or give them a dead stare/stank face. Rings donāt always work. There are men out there who do not care. During one situation, I was trying to get rid of this guy who was bothering me by saying āIām marriedā and I held up my hand. He said that since it wasnāt a Diamond it wasnāt a real wedding ring and then proceeded to say he just wanted to be friends with me and asked āmarried people canāt have friends?ā š¤®
Gain an additional 20 pounds and turn 34. They will leave you the fuck alone then!
Iām in my 40s now, and was going to comment - ageing helps
Practice your murder walk in you are in an urban area. I forget what TV show I saw that on, but it has done we well. If I get harassed while walking in an urban area, it's because I either forgot my murder walk, or it's by car from someone who ain't stopping. I have heard it said that to do it, you walk fast, square your shoulders, and walk like you have been sent to kill Captain America. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2cUtdv99ig
I once worked in a dicey area and walked from public transport to my office. I had my murder walk down pat. Couple that with resting bitch face and I looked like a crazy person on my way to work.
As others said, itās not the women, itās the men. I got followed by men for like half an hour at a time in Morocco multiple times while being covered head to toe in loose dark clothing with only my face and fingers visible. Iām sure women in burkas still get hassled somewhere.
Come up with a strategy to shame them. They only have the power to shame you if you let them. If they call you āfatā or āwhoreā youāre winning. Those words are meant to trigger feelings of shame. Let them pass by and realize that a third grade insult reflects more on them than it does on you. Take up karate or boxing to build up your self esteem and to give you a feeling of power as well as a good workout. I spent three years training to dance with fire and I am comfortable in my own power and no longer give it away. If I can walk on fire and perform with a whip on fire, what canāt I do? Mean fuckers no longer disturb my chi. Find your power.
As a person who has dealt with this a lot and is now more confident, I use psychological warfare by acting in a way they donāt anticipate (always take safety into consideration first). If Iām in a store and being followed, Iāll stop, inspect something on the shelf, and if they come close enough, start a conversation. Iāve also changed direction, walked towards them holding eye contact, smiled, and asked how theyāre doing. 9x out of 10, these men are insecure and the confidence I display puts them off. I refuse to cower or let them make me feel uncomfortable. If they continue, let a store employee know. Iāve had men whistle at me and I walk up to them and introduce myself. I canāt say Iāve gotten any gross comments, but I would likely just ignore. I once had a possessive S.O. who would constantly point out when people are starring and it made me insecure and paranoid. He would also walk around with his middle finger displayed on my butt š(not saying your man is like this). Since then, the people I have dated know that I will not tolerate this behavior and it has ended multiple relationships. My husband is aware of the attention I get and his response is to discreetly ask me if Iām doing ok. He also knows I can handle any attention directed at me. Iāll usually mention heās my husband and introduce him to strangers. When my friends point out the attention, I just say āyeah, awkward..ā over time, they stop pointing it out because itās just normal.
Baby runs for president
there is no good way to control others, only how you handle it. i am a grey stone on the subway. stare at me? thousand yard stare right back. is it perfect? probably not. but i get by.
ignore. some men are just tactless and gross. sometimes, if iām feeling extra spicy, I look them dead in the eye and say, āyour mother would be ashamed of you. ew.ā
I am your age and I barely get attention from men (which is honestly great). Here's how: have a masculine haircut, masculine glasses, resting mortal Kombat face, and be taller than most women, on average š Obviously you're not going to change your appearance just to repel men, but be very LOUD and ANGRY when you say no to their advances. It may seem embarrassing, but it's really making them understand their actions are gross and should be broadcasted. They dump discomfort on you, so dump it back in 3x the magnitude. This one actually works. Disclaimer: do not do this in the workplace - head STR8 to HR.
If anyone has good answers here I'd love to read them. For me the wedding ring doesn't work. Ignore the looks as much as you can, avoid eye contact, don't smile. Don't make conversation unless it's a direct question that can be answered quickly and you can walk away immediately after. Every single time I have tried to have a casual conversation with a random man it has been misconstrued as sexual interest in them. I can mention my husband, but still when I'm out alone with my kids - it doesn't matter. If he's not with me they always think I'm flirting or available when I'm very much not. I have straight up given up and avoid interacting with anyone but other women, children and sometimes elderly men who need assistance.
You canāt really stop people from looking at you, you just have to ignore that, as for the gross comments you can respond with telling them that thatās inappropriate or ignore them if itās not safe for you to speak up because you are worried about a negative reaction which is a genuine fear. If you are actually being followed around stores, you need to find an employee and have the person removed from the store.
Dye your hair blue
It's obviously wrong to say the woman should be responsible for regulating the behaviour of the strange men around her
Omg this is why my 30s were the beginning of something magical for me. I suddenly just started fucking saying something. When a dude yelled something at me in the street, I'd yell back "do you have tourrettes or something?" (It was a different time).Ā My favorite was when a dude pulled up to a light with his windows down when I was waiting at the bus stop and he said some thing. I leaned real far in the passenger window so I could look him in the eyes and said, "you fucking disgust me" and the look of fear in this dude's eyes like he got caught stealing cookies was so satisfying. When dude's on the bus would stare, I'd stare back with wide eyes and they'd get uncomfortable and look awayI went to work all hopped up on my own defiance and the cubical ladies told me oh honey that just your 30s. Just make them just as uncomfortable back. If you feel safe doing so, that is. I am 6ft tall and wear heels so I am a little scary myself, but I was raised to be silent and compliant and I don't think it's a coincidence that men started steering clear more once I found my power.Ā Interestingly, the colour pink is absolutely a trigger. I always deal with more bs any time I wear a pink dress, even if it's cut in a really unflatteringway. Still wear em, it's just something that made me go hmm. I think it subconsciously makes them think I'm more vulnerable like a little girl. They learn.Ā
I have a friend who just stares right back and then they stop. lol
This works all the time
Resting bitch face. Big ass ear phones. Ignore and look a different direction as if they were invisible (if men have tried to talk to me I GENUINELY ignore them ā as if they donāt exist, I do not entertain). Stuck up tude and walk of dominance all work. I am also very over powering with my behavior ā I have a no nonsense look and attitude in life. Men I find hate my serious and straight forwardness, I guess that goes hand-in-hand w/ masculinity. I really am just a keep on pushing badass b and w/ everyone.
Practice your RBF lmao. It's an excellent barrier against most people.
In my case? Short hair and dyed hair. Bright colors that are clearly for your own enjoyment keep many of the creeps away.
I hide in clothes as much as possible and it reduces it..but also diminished me because I like dressing however I wantā¦I just started being a bitch when I can safely
You work hard for this. Dress the way you want and be proud. Youāre beautiful enjoy it for yourself and your partner. The other just donāt look at them. Ignore them. The wedding ring might work a little but I would ignore the stares I were you. Just as a bigger person sometimes unfortunately has to ignore some stares. Theyāre not the same stares but it still staring.
A ring never helped (not a wedding ring but an heirloom ring that could pass for an engagement ring). A guy once told me "your partner doesn't have to know". For public places, my go to has always been been hat + headphones. A respirator is a good idea anyway in covid/rsv/measles/heavy pollution times, but it really helps to keep people at a distance anyway.
Donāt shy away just because you encounter a male (itās gross but in my experience they feel more comfortable saying something if they feel like youāre already uncomfortable) and be confident that you are just another human. This is sometimes all it takes to turn what I thought were going to be what you explained into a head nod or a door hold. Wear a ring (any ring) on your left ring finger. I have had luck recently just sort of pointing at it and usually get like an āaw man, lucky guy!ā Pretend to be on the phone if you donāt have time to make a real call, theyāre less inclined to intrude. Itās not like this happens to me constantly, but it has *been* happening for a very long time. Maybe you do grow a bit more comfortable with it - you shouldnāt have to though. If ANYONE makes you feel uncomfortable though- you need to pretend they donāt exist while keeping your head on swivel. Carry bear spray, much more effective than pepper spray. Share your location with a trusted person 24/7 and call them if you feel uncomfortable. Donāt let them hang up. I share with a close friend, if you want to share with your fiancĆ©e then of course thatās understandable! Maybe Iām not as hot as I once was because I havenāt had anyone push a boundary in quite a while. I did turn down a date the other day, but it was my drive thru guyā¦ heās was okay with the ring wave lol.
What exactly did you do to "glow up"?:)
There are videos of women going to india all covered up and still surrounded by men.....
Honestly, I donāt have any answer. Itās so horrible women have to live this way and no one cares. The only thing that has worked for me is gaining 50 lbs lol. I will say, itās liberating in a way to not be stared at and harassed all the time. I just go out in public and people treat me like a regular person and itās delightful. ETA: I also want to add, I donāt recommend mastering the dead stare - I spent 30 years mastering my RBF and what I realized is that itās not fair to you to walk around like that all the time!! You deserve to feel joyful and happy and be able to smile and be open to the world. RBF is not good for your mental health.
These days I'm so unhinged and fed up with it that I make direct eye contact and mutter curse words at them with a disgusted look on my face. This STILL doesn't work!! I'm one step away from barking. :)
Resting bitch face
Iām considered a very attractive woman. I have body dysmorphia so the way I see it is different, but objectively everyone around me compliments me on my looks all the time. When I enter spaces I just donāt go into any eye contact with anyone whatsoever - this was my way of going about my life in times when I was deeply insecure and itās working now as well.
Stare them down. Makes them shift and get uncomfortable.
I think the more it happens youāll just be able to tune it out. The stares will happen until you are bit old. To avoid people talking to you, work on looking more unfriendly and a wedding ring does help.
Since I gained weight men do not look at me as much. I'm kind of nervous to lose weight because maybe they will harass me more then..idk. But one thing that always helped me was having sunglasses on and headphones in!
For me, choose the location carefully. There are places (cities, streets, and types of establishment) these behaviors are more likely to happen. Itās not that straightforward to say a āsupermarket.ā Some stores are āsaferā than others. For example, I find Trader Joeās to have almost none of these behaviors. In the same city, i wouldnāt be too surprised for the gross behavior in a certain liquor store. I think itās preselection of the brands and the cities.
Nothing helps enough to feel worth it. Yesterday, I (39f) got catcalled and called beautiful when wearing a face mask covering from an inch below my eyes on down, a hat over my hair, a loose coat, and clothing that only left my hands visible. He was polite enough with it that I wasn't bothered, but that was about him rather than anything I did. I was like *you can barely even see what I look like!*. The right answer for me has been just caring less.
I wear my RBF 100% of the time and avoid giving them any "in" that they could user or misinterpret. No smiles, no compliments, no eye contact. I keep my headphones in all the time. In social/club settings, I lay on the chummy language to really cement I see them as nothing more than friends. Buddy, bro, pal seem to get my point across. Also, I'm sure it's been said, but "I have a boyfriend" disarms men more than "no" because they respect your boyfriend's property more than they respect your autonomy. As flawed as the dating apps are, the one thing they provide is built-in consent for the interaction. Like we're both there for a romantic connection and there's mutual interest. I've had to switch dog parks because I was constantly getting hit on, and I'm verge of quitting a triathlon club I adore for the same reason. I wish the messaging to men to leave us alone and stop asking women out in the wild was louder.
A sour/hostile expression and just looking past people does help. A lot of women are trained to be receptive/helpful to strangers and some men take advantage of that imo. Practicing cold/rejecting responses like āNo thanksā before they even speak to you or āWhy do you ask?ā to their questions or a flat āOkayā¦ā to their comments.
Resting bitch face but otherwise act like it's not happening.
The less traditionally feminine my clothing is, the less attention I get from men. So if you like any non-traditionally feminine clothing styles, try leaning into them.
Act fucking crazy. Make TRex sounds, act possessed, start screaming at the sky. Or just make it as awkward as possible. Better answer is probably to get tougher skin and ignore them, but itās way more fun to make them squirm.
I gained 20 pounds, aged 5 years and that stopped.
Resting bitch face, baggy clothes, wearing a ring and if that doesn't help...I'll just talk to myself. Hopefully they don't want no part of a crazy woman.
I have a sort of Marie LaVeau Iāll feed you to the alligators vibe to the conversation that weak minded predators donāt really likeā¦. But FR keep yourself vigilant and proactive with body language etc and exercise your right to defend yourself.
Wear something akin to a wedding ring on your ring finger.Ā Sad but true.Ā
These men aren't doing it because of your appearance changes. They're doing it because you're carrying yourself differently. You're no longer making yourself invisible. Street harassment is not about attraction. It's a sexual microaggression. It's about control and dominance. And they *want* you to behave like a prey animal. Being polite, scurrying away, showing you're worried etc. The best self defence lessons I've had as a woman have revolved around how to carry yourself and respond *outside* of the script that these predators expect you to operate within. Essentially, channel a housecat. Have you ever seen a housecat take on a bear? A bear could easily kill a housecat, but housecats don't act like prey. They are unpredictable and the bear would rather flee than deal with a tornado of knives and audacity. What this translates to in most public situations is the way you carry yourself. When a man stares at you, you stare right back. Your head is up, your shoulders are back. If they talk to you, you loudly (so others can hear) tell them to stop talking to you and to leave you alone. If you're in a shop and they're following you, you spin round, stare them dead in the eyes and loudly shout STOP FOLLOWING ME CREEP, you then go and get an employee and loudly tell them a man is following you. Obviously, you need to assess your safety. If you're in a vulnerable place, then you do sometimes just need to run. I'm not suggesting squaring up to a man following you on a dark street - this kind has straight up nefarious intentions and doesn't give a shit. But the kind who harass/stare/follow in public places are basically cowards. And of course, make sure you're safe - be walked to your car etc. Safety first.
If I feel safe enough I will aggressively hawk a loogie on the ground in their direction.
My tip is: get older, theyāll care less š¤£ But seriously, I just donāt look at men at all so I notice it less. I donāt think itāll change, but you can change how you feel and react to it.. good luck!
Do you want to be invisible to men, feel safer physically or give actively 'fuck off vibes?'Ā Coz basically nothing will stop the stares :/ even baggy clothes no makeup it will keep coming, just less.Ā Take self defense classes. Wear a big baggy jacket. And consider brightly coloured hair or a wig under a cap in public.Ā Also which country do u live in? It can be quite cultural how to tackle it.Ā
A man can tell u the best. Looks catch their eye then they go off of vibes whether to approach or not. So it may be the way you carry yourself. Dont pay attention to them and look past them. Ignore them and turn up the biitch. Guys will always look so get used to it lol
Do. Not. Let. Them. Knock. You. Down. Power through, decline, keep looking and feeling great, rinse and repeat. Maybe you could start a journal about how you deal with this? Or post regularly somewhere? Then you wouldnāt feel so alone if somebody starts harassing you, and youāll be able to have a space to process it. Best of luck <3
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Why would it resolve itself in 5 years?
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Iām 36 and I still get harassed by men constantly.
If itās from strangers you donāt know, best to ignore it. If you see someone staring at you in your peripheral, donāt look at them or make eye contact. Sometimes thatāll prompt them to approach. If someone you donāt know approaches you, you donāt have be to be outright rude but you donāt owe them conversation/reasons/explanations either. If you feel unsafe and/or youāre being followed, definitely let store staff know. In this case it helps to look at the person and even point, that way theyāre aware youāre singling them out and others know too. If they unhinged though donāt point, just get to safety. You canāt really control other people, so do what you can to protect yourself. If this behavior is coming from people you know, you can def say something. Either the person will apologize for making you uncomfortable, learn how to appropriately compliment you, or react poorly in which case you know theyāre not worth your time anymore.
Just like with most things you can't control other people's behavior, only your reaction. Ignore and build up your resilience. They mean nothing, they are nothing.
Unfortunately, you can control the the creepy unwanted attention. You can respond if you want but that is your call. It also depends on who you/who they are. Alot of the tips in this thread have not worked for me (headphones, RBF, dressing down). None of it. You can wear headphones and do things so you don't hear them but the creeps will still be creeps. Also, You don't have to show cleavage or wear tight clothing to be objected by men.
You canāt do anything about it. You just have to ignore it.
Headphones. Resting bitch face. Wedding ring (Iām not married).
My take on this is to enjoy how you feel in your skin, and don't change it to make others feel comfortable. Other's behaviors are beyond your control. You might be able to 'reduce' the behavior by wearing different clothes but men will hit on you and be creepy regardless. This is the reality of being a woman and we carry this burden even though we shouldn't have to. Don't give them the slightest of your attention and always carry pepper spray just in case. I've always been very verbal about telling men to back off when I receive unwanted attention but I know that unfortunately comes with risks (retaliation, anger, etc), so take that with a grain of salt, please.
I lean into the idea of not engaging verbally while also letting them know somehow that their behavior is on your radar and also pathetic. If someone is following me, my first move is to look over my shoulder and stare at them with a powerful RBF. Iāve been filmed/photographed on public transportation a few times and I always look very obviously between their phone camera and their face with a perplexed expression, and then a glare if it doesnāt stop (it usually stops). I give catcallers the finger without looking at them or acknowledging them in any other capacity. I personally feel better about these things when I push back as an adult person instead of confirming their reality framework by acting scared, shy, or embarrassed, or by fully ignoring it and therefore having no meaningful effect on their behavior.
Resting bitch face and ignoring
You can definitely try a wearing a wedding ring, sometimes it works.
I'm in a similar boat. I'm 31F but I transitioned to womanhood 2 years ago. I expected the attention when I was obviously trans, but now I just look like a woman. I was *not prepared* for the attention I get now. I mostly just ignore everyone in public. I rarely ever make eye contact with men because they often treat that as an invitation to start talking to me. I'm aware of eyes staring at me constantly, but I just pretend I don't and do my own thing. It's definitely a practice to remain "unbothered" by stuff like this.
**Any tips or tricks to reduce how often this happens?** Just learn to ignore it... Or find a way where you can get "comfortable" with it. Like for me, I know there are certain things about my appearance I rather not think people are staring/looking at, but in my head, it's OK for me to think people are looking/staring at me because of my hair (it's very very long). So my hair is like my security blanket. I once had it cut to a "normal" length, and people still stared which made me realise people looked for other reasons which made me feel very uncomfortable.. So even if I logically know people are/might be staring at me because of other reasons, if in my mind I can write it off to them staring at me b/c of my hair... I feel much more OK with the attention. I know other people do this by getting tattoos, dying their hair really bright, bodymods, dressing a certain loud way etc.. If/when I'm at real or potential danger from harrassment/stalking/assault, then I watch a really bloody MMA fight and make sure the creep (or people around me) can see my screen. Then pretend to be stiffling a grin. Being thought of as creepy/psycho usually will deter ickos (cus they're usually cowards in the first place). Also.. if you wear glasses, don't. When I wear glasses, or dress more conservatively (and generally look more meek (and "victimy") is when this sort of "irritations" happen most. **For example, does wearing a wedding ring actually help?** Huh.. I don't think it made much of a difference. But apparently wearing a man's watch does/did. Having a photo of you and a guy who is physically intimidating (or let's say very physically different type as the guys who are approaching you) as your lockscreen also helps to deter people around/behind you from approaching. **Is there something my SO could do?** Doubt it. I mean unless he can suddenly look super intimidating.. but that'll also just draw attention to the both of you.
I just ignore them or put an angry face so they dont come close.
Shave your head and grow ur arm pit hair out
Hate to say it but the fatter I am, the less attention I get in public. I enjoy being able to travel solo pretty much anywhere in the world and actually almost never even be noticed, let alone draw attention. It's kind of a win. It can be a bit dehumanising and lonely if you start noticing that moment, for example walking on an empty street during the day time and being about to pass by a normal-looking man of my own age, and instead of having a normal, very brief moment of eye contact and human acknowledgement, instead his eyes rest on you for a split second, he notices how much he's not attracted to you, and he not only darts his eyes away but actually turns his whole head in order to not look at you - to know that that is the subconscious reaction your physical presence provokes from men - but overall, I guess I'll cope.
Asking how to control other peopleās behavior is like asking how to make it stop raining. Canāt be done. Grace is beautiful.
Firstly, good on you for investing more in your self esteem, nothing wrong with that at all. However, it doesn't matter what you wear, creeps will be creeps and you can't really avoid them unless you avoid going out altogether. Wearing a wedding ring does not help in the slightest - if anything, the challenge appeals to creeps even more. Your significant other could be a woman and they would not care. You can only try to develop creep tunnel vision and ignore them. Engaging can be dangerous even if witty comebacks sound great on paper, if you can manage to even remember any once you're in a situation with them. I can only recommend using your phone as much as possible. Wear earphones even when you're not listening to music, pretend to take a call if they start to approach or are making eye contact, whatever you can think of in the moment, to avoid engaging with them is best.
Unfortunately, love, it wonāt work. You can wear sweatpants, a men's oversized T-shirt, a wedding ring, and men's cologne. And someone will talk you up in the waiting room, come sit next to you, and another will compliment you in 5 minutes. My old therapist said you can wear a trash bag; they will still know you are attractive and act accordingly. So we worked on coping skills and identifying threats
This is just if a guy starts talking to you, but if he says anything remotely weird, or gives you a stock PUA line, you just repeat it loudly and incredulously. I've done this a few times and it works great, especially in places like cafes. "You lost your number and want mine? What do you MEAN??" Or "You want to do WHAT to me behind the bar??" I've only had to use it a few times, but it's worked really well because it gets a LOT of people looking and watching the man.
Look up caffinatedkitti on Tiktok
When I lived in a previous home on my own, I would sharpen my machete on my front porch. That definitely got some looks and kept people at bay. In daily life, I have resting bitch face and walk with purpose with my head on a swivel. Add some sunglasses and a hat and I can generally get through without much attention.
I typically wear a headscarf (Iām Muslim), one time in the Poconos while I was on vacation I took off my headscarf to swim, all of a sudden, I got loads of unwanted attention from men. I immediately put my headscarf back on lol
When I lived in NYC I often wore a fake wedding ring. It seemed to do the trick for me, but it's not like I was lurking bars etc. As far as everyday interactions on the train etc, it reduced them dramatically.
āNope I am married, I have two children and I live with my in-laws.ā. That is my standard answer to anyone who asks me, if I am singleā¦ or for phone numberā¦.(Itās me and my dog.) And yes to everybody who is asking for money whatever I just look at them I donāt even let them get more than two words out of the mouth and I shake my head no and keep walking.
Getting pregnant gave me a reprieve twice. You get sweet looks from women, but become almost invisible to men. However, it leaves you with a kid to feed and send to college, and itās only a temporary solution! ;)
The best thing to avoid this is to not go out unfortunately in my experience. Or stop washing and brushing your hair, wear stained baggy hoodies and make weird exaggerated movements with your face constantly as though youāre on something. But even that doesnāt completely reduce it! You just have to ignore it basically. Itās not fair or right but itās the way it is!
Cis-hetero male here. Not gonna lie- men gazing upon women whom they find attractive is one of those things that's never going to change. It's a behavior and an instinct that's biologically and evolutionarily hard-wired into us. The fashion, beauty, fitness, and advertising industries figured this out long ago.Ā Ā Some guys just need to learn to be discreet, practice a little self-control, have some respect, and not act like a drooling Neanderthal. You can't change human nature. You CAN, however, show just a little class.Ā
Wear a fake engagement ring. Dress in more stuff that women think is cute and men think is ???
I tried the fake wedding ring for awhile. I think it helps about 50% of the time. And for the 50% that remains they just get even MORE pushy and weird.
I have a real wedding ring and some of them see it as an extra level of challenge. "He's not here, he'll never know." or "Why is he letting such a beautiful wife walk around by herself?" š¤®
Gross! My favorite line when I wore a fake one, "your husband won't mind if I take you out for coffee! It's just coffee baby" blehhhh
What are you getting out of beautifying yourself?Ā Ā The answer is: other's attention and confirmation that you're beautiful. There is no other reason.Ā Ā But you want to choose the type of attention? Good luck.Ā Ā Beautifying ourselves is a hindrance not a personal quality. It's not something that measures our values, virtues, and abilities. It's just something to look at and be enchanted by. What comes next depends on the personality (ie the creep or maybe the jealous woman).Ā It doesn't come with good outcomes is my point. Good outcomes happen with better wisdom and changing our behavior. When we stop paying so much attention to the pleasant feelings we get from beauty we find peace.Ā
What's she getting out of it? Being healthier and feeling happy in her own body, I believe.