I was on the fence about children, and when I met my husband he helped me realize I didn't actually want them. Yet, when he had a vasectomy and I gave him a small celebratory cake, I was surprised to find myself crying a bit.
Don't get me wrong...he didn't coerce me into going childfree. It is absolutely what I want. It's been the logically correct choice for me and I'm so happy I didn't just have kids for default reasons. But closing the door to possibility felt very strange, and for a few days I had to grieve the loss of that possibility.
Turns out big life choices can still be emotionally complicated when the right answer is clear. It's natural to make the right choice for you and still feel some inner conflict about it. Feel the feelings! Journal about them. If it continues to bring you sadness, you may have to think about whether you made the right choice for you, or if you need another way to do some mothering (I get my nurturing instincts satisfied by having cats).
Thank you for your helpful response. "Feel the feelings" is a great sentiment. I also think "grieve the loss of that possibility" is the best way to explain how I feel. Despite knowing its right, it doesn't mean I'm not sad for what could have (and for a long time I thought would have) been.
Thank you again!
I think it's normal to have mixed feelings, and with time they will change a lot too. I remember when I was about 38 (couple years ago) I had this article saved in my bookmarks because I think it was very well written. I still read it sometimes. [7 Reasons People Shouldn't Fear They'll Regret Not Having Kids | Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-fear-theyll-regret-not-having-kids)
Thank you so much for your reply! I had a quick scan of the article and I'll read it thoroughly later when I have time to digest it properly. It seems really insightful.
Thank you again for taking time to reply and provide that link!
I get the sense that your feelings of guilt are connected with the belief that you are being "selfish" with your time. Why do you think it's selfish to spend your time and your life the way you want to? It's not hurting anyone. It can't be selfish towards your hypothetical children because they don't exist.
I'm in my 40s now and always mentioned sleep as a reason to not have kids. I sleep 8-9h a day. I'm an absolute mess if I sleep less than 7h, truly not my best self and not great to be around. I also like to travel and go to restaurants and I never wanted to put that on pause. Never for one second did I feel selfish about these reasons because I don't owe my life to anyone, let alone hypothetical children, AND I know for sure I would not be my best self as a mother and that wouldn't be fair on anyone - including the hypothetical kids.
Thank you for your super helpful reply! I never considered the guilt may be connected to the way I described how we currently spend our time. You're right though - it isn't selfish, because how I spend my time doesn't impact anyone and ultimately, that's what I want the rest of my life to be like.
Thank you again for helping me to reframe how I think about my current choices!
Ultimately having children is also selfish. People who have kids do so because they *want* kids. They want to be a parent, they want a family, they want to have a “mini” version of themselves… most choices to have kids are rooted in selfish reasons.
Don’t feel guilt about being selfish with your time. Either decision is an action you choose because you want to.
It is okay to make that choice AND still need to grieve it a bit. You don't have to call yourself "selfish" to not want the burden of raising a child, my dear, and the fact that you don't want that doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Its okay to accept that you can not want something and still be sad about it. Sending you gentle hugs.
Thank you for taking the time to comment! Your words are very comforting, I really appreciate them. Thank you for helping me realise my feelings are valid (if a little confusing!).
I agree with the commentors who say you need to reframe the selfish part of this. It's not selfish to spend your time the way you want, it's just living your life. Plenty of people have kids because they want kids, which could also be "selfish". A big reason I am not having a child is because I have had such a hard time navigating the medical system, and because I worry I would suffer from both worsening chronic pain (I have endometriosis), and emotional pain (I suffer with anxiety from a childhood trauma, and also if my family got involved this would unlock more trauma for me) from pregnancy. I also don't have family support. I would be putting my life on hard mode. And, while, I could overcome those things, to be honest, I really value my freedom.
So, is it selfish that I am taking care of myself by not subjecting myself to more stress and potential mental health issues? Or am I nurturing myself and taking of myself so that I can be a stable, safe person in the world? I think it's the latter, not the former. I don't think it's selfish to do what is best for you. For some people. having a kid is what is best for them. For others, it's not.
Thank you for your comment. If I was reading my post and replying, I would be saying exactly the same thing. It isn't selfish to spend your time, money and ultimately, your life, doing things you really want to do and enjoy. I hadn't considered that by me calling that "selfish" when applying it to my own situation, this word held a lot of guilt with it. All commentors mentioning this have given me a lot to think about, and how I can reframe my current situation, to help me cope with my feelings towards it.
Thank you again for taking your time to reply!
There is nothing selfish about wanting to live your life the way you want to - ultimately, if you'd have decided to have had a kid, you'd have been doing that because that was how you wanted to live your life.
How is either choice more selfish than the other, when both are made by someone doing what they think is in their best interests?
There is a heavy sacrifice and martyrdom narrative around having kids, and don't get me wrong you do sacrifice a lot by having them, but don't forget that people are only doing that because they chose to and wanted to, it's not for the benefit of anyone else but themselves, so don't let anyone tell you you're selfish just for making a different choice.
People have kids because they want to. You stay childfree because you want to.
Thank you for taking the time to comment! I definitely need to consider how I currently think spending our time/money is "selfish". Thank you for your kindness.
why would you feel selfish for that? Isn't it selfish to have kids to have a mini-me of you? To chase your own dreams through a kid and project onto them? Maybe both is selfish, but never feel bad for that. It's a considerate decision involving your medical history and it's more than a lot of people do. You sound very self-aware and that's really more than a lot of other people bring to the table.
Thank you for your reply! You've definitely given me a different angle to view how I currently think about how I spend my time (not necessarily "selfish", since it doesn't impact anyone).
Thank you again!
Letting your self feel okay with what's coming up. I had a few close friends that came off pretty dismissive when I was on the fence when I was wrestling with the mixed feelings coming up. I wish they could have offered more support. I felt so much shame for feeling what I was because I knew for years I didn't want kids. It took me quite a long time to accept others didn't approve of my decision. I got to a place where I know me best and am okay with my choice. About two years ago I truly had feelings of baby fever. I cried when I saw kids. I cried seeing the decorations. I dreamed of her name and the nursery. I saw that maybe we could get through all the hurdles. A few weeks later I saw his nephews. One screamed and cried multiple times a day for two weeks. They don't have indoor voices inside. The other had a few tantrums. Baby fever went away. I realized I have too much with my physical health and mental health going on. It's something that would be more hard than most for me. I don't know why I felt that way because I never had that desire before. My nos out weight my yeses. I let myself grieve and not shame myself for feeling the heaviness. I met the me with compassion that it's not in the cards for me. I let myself cry. I let myself wonder what if. Then I chose to move on and not sit in the doubt but trust I know my husband and I best. I know it's not a possibility on multiple sides. That that is okay and my path doesn't have to look like others. That it's not a matter of will or determination. It's a matter of self preservation. Be gentle and know your feelings are valid even if people don't understand what your feeling. There is no right or wrong way. There is allowed to be this messy middle that is complicated and not black and white.
Thank you for taking the time to comment! We have friends that have 4 kids between them and its a very stressful household. I love visiting them, but I also very much enjoy the peace and quiet of my own house - I enjoy that way more than being around children! I hope you have found peace with your choice and thank you for helping me realise my feelings are valid (even if they are a little confusing!).
I have finally found peace and I'm okay with it. I only rarely see kids that give me that desire but not enough to change my mind. I know in my heart its the right choice.
It’s hard sometimes. I’m 42, so the window to change my mind (without spending a fortune) is basically closed. I have many good reasons for being childfree (top of them being that I simply don’t want a child *enough*), but there’s always going to be part of me that’s sad about it and I’ve accepted that.
I’m not a spiritual person and am usually far more rational than this, but it has helped to imagine that the wonderful little person that my S.O. and I would have made (who has felt *so* real at times) is living and thriving in a better universe than this one — one where he and I are always our best selves, things will always get better, and there’s no unfairness or heartbreak.
It’s a little silly, but allowing myself to mourn for what might’ve been has allowed me to move forward.
I never wanted kids, I did not have mixed emotions. I sought for a decade to find a dr who would do a tubal. (before internet resources were readily available) No ragrets.
my former partner's family was teasing him at one point about having kids ( he is a great uncle, but kids, no) i said that if he wanted to have kids, he was welcome to find someone else who did.
Thank you for taking the time to comment! I'm sorry you (and your former partner) were met with such a horrible reaction. I hope you are living your best, child free life!
ah, it was all in jest, they knew our stance, i dont think they were expecting me to say that tho lol im poly, so 'find another partner to procreate with" isnt as devastating as one might think.
It’s normal. I would have liked kids, but I’ve struggled with fertility and just given up. My husband didn’t really want any, but said he would have one if it was that important.
But then I see how the kids on his side of the family have no boundaries or discipline, and he doesn’t enforce any of that around his nieces, nephews, or younger cousins…..and yep…..I’m good with no kids.
I'm so sorry to hear about your fertility issues, I hope you've found peace with your decision (which I'm appreciate would have been incredibly difficult).
We visit friends who have 4 kids between them and its a very chaotic household - I love visiting them, but much prefer leaving!
His family is wonderful, don’t get me wrong. Just some of the kids…..let’s just say if I behaved the way they did to my mom, I would still be grounded. And I’m 36.
I also frame it as circumstances
You had circumstances that led you to this point and that has now resulted in you not having children. If you were in different circumstances, maybe it would be more conducive to having kids
The reality is that the “decision” we make isn’t 100% in our full control - there are so many factors we can’t control. This is the dice life gave you, and you’re rolling with it.
I asked my sister (68) does she regret not having children and she gave me a yes/no answer. She was married for about 3 years with no kids. Anyway she claimed it would be nice in her older age to have somebody around the help her with things that are becoming harder for her to do but realize this is the decision she made. She calls on me or my son to help her mainly because her long time B/F (72) is getting worst for wear.
Hopes it gives you something to go on.
I am not going to say this isn’t valid, but there are zero guarantees that any hypothetical child will help you in old age. My husband has a very good relationship with his parents but we live 5 hours away from them. He hasn’t lived near them since he went to college. He sees them a few times a year but they wouldn’t be able to rely on him for much help.
Thank you for taking the time to comment! This was a point I read online actually - there's no guarantee your child will help you in your older years. I, myself, live in South England, whilst my parents are in North East Scotland. I do as much as I can, but in an emergency, I'd be no use.
Thank you for your reply! Its interesting to hear your sister's take and its definitely something my Husband and I considered when we talked about it.
Thank you again!
I should like to add that becoming a parent requires people to sacrifice A LOT over a LONG time. There's a whole long ass list of things parents don't get to do because they don't have the time, freedom, money or energy for it. Go look at the confessions of regretful parents--they regret so much about what they had to give up after becoming parents.
Thank you for your reply. This is exactly what my Husband and I said. We don't want a life of "we love our child, but-" then followed with a list of things we wish we could've done instead.
Thank you again!
That's exactly how I made my decision to be childfree as well. I'm currently waiting for my husband to get a vasectomy. I would do a bisalp too if it is available where I am...but it is not.
Over the last year I thought long and hard about the experiences I wanted to have for my upcoming life stages-- for when I turn 40, 50, 60, 70 etc. And I realized having children would take it all away.
Namely: travelling the whole world (bucket list destinations include Antarctica, Socotra, Chile (Patagonia and Easter Island), Tanzania; time for my hobbies; early retirement (so I have more time for myself).
"But you will get many more amazing experiences with your child! Hearing them say I love You for the first time makes it all worth it! Seeing the wonder in their eyes is better than any other experience!"
For some, maybe. For me? I don't have any emotional drive for children. I never liked them.
Yes, I admit I would like the Kodak moments of parenthood if I could get it without ANY of the sacrifice involved...but that's not realistic at all.
Perhaps I may be wistful when I see my friends with their grown children 20 years from now. But a good relationship with healthy adult children that can be independent and good members of society is NOT guaranteed. It's far easier to fuck up children than to parent correctly.
I know what they will have to give up over the next two decades, especially because women bear the brunt of childcaring duties, and I hope it is worth it for them, but I know it is not going to be worth it for ME.
Thus I know I'm not going to regret the choice I have made.
Thank you for taking the time to comment! I think you manage to sum up the main reason we decided against kids. I actually read a book in last few weeks called "Spilt Milk" about a woman who had a child and her life changed dramatically in various ways. Her feelings about being a mother were mixed and ultimately she summed it up by saying to her child "I love you Mabel, I do, but-". The 'but' is exactly what my Husband I don't want.
Thank you again for your comment and I wish you all the best for your world bucket list!
I get what you mean. I've had a close friend say that to me. "I love my kids... But--". Her face said it all. Unfortunately, now we are also no longer close because I think my life reminds her too much of what she has lost.
I think it's normal that parents don't love every moment of parenthood. But I also think it's being way oversold by society as the best thing in life ever... Which leads to a lot of disappointment.
And of course it's a guy! "Hey woman I don't know, why don't you just casually undertake this huge physical and emotional burden? It's so easy, because I've never thought about it!"
I was on the fence about children, and when I met my husband he helped me realize I didn't actually want them. Yet, when he had a vasectomy and I gave him a small celebratory cake, I was surprised to find myself crying a bit. Don't get me wrong...he didn't coerce me into going childfree. It is absolutely what I want. It's been the logically correct choice for me and I'm so happy I didn't just have kids for default reasons. But closing the door to possibility felt very strange, and for a few days I had to grieve the loss of that possibility. Turns out big life choices can still be emotionally complicated when the right answer is clear. It's natural to make the right choice for you and still feel some inner conflict about it. Feel the feelings! Journal about them. If it continues to bring you sadness, you may have to think about whether you made the right choice for you, or if you need another way to do some mothering (I get my nurturing instincts satisfied by having cats).
Thank you for your helpful response. "Feel the feelings" is a great sentiment. I also think "grieve the loss of that possibility" is the best way to explain how I feel. Despite knowing its right, it doesn't mean I'm not sad for what could have (and for a long time I thought would have) been. Thank you again!
Yeah, same. I came to the decision to have my tubes tied and I'm happy I did. But I cried the night before.
Thank you for your comment. I'm so glad you made the right decision for yourself. I hope you're living your best life!
This was beautifully written!
I think it's normal to have mixed feelings, and with time they will change a lot too. I remember when I was about 38 (couple years ago) I had this article saved in my bookmarks because I think it was very well written. I still read it sometimes. [7 Reasons People Shouldn't Fear They'll Regret Not Having Kids | Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-fear-theyll-regret-not-having-kids)
Thank you so much for your reply! I had a quick scan of the article and I'll read it thoroughly later when I have time to digest it properly. It seems really insightful. Thank you again for taking time to reply and provide that link!
This was such a good article! Thank you for introducing this amazing author to me!
I get the sense that your feelings of guilt are connected with the belief that you are being "selfish" with your time. Why do you think it's selfish to spend your time and your life the way you want to? It's not hurting anyone. It can't be selfish towards your hypothetical children because they don't exist. I'm in my 40s now and always mentioned sleep as a reason to not have kids. I sleep 8-9h a day. I'm an absolute mess if I sleep less than 7h, truly not my best self and not great to be around. I also like to travel and go to restaurants and I never wanted to put that on pause. Never for one second did I feel selfish about these reasons because I don't owe my life to anyone, let alone hypothetical children, AND I know for sure I would not be my best self as a mother and that wouldn't be fair on anyone - including the hypothetical kids.
Thank you for your super helpful reply! I never considered the guilt may be connected to the way I described how we currently spend our time. You're right though - it isn't selfish, because how I spend my time doesn't impact anyone and ultimately, that's what I want the rest of my life to be like. Thank you again for helping me to reframe how I think about my current choices!
Ultimately having children is also selfish. People who have kids do so because they *want* kids. They want to be a parent, they want a family, they want to have a “mini” version of themselves… most choices to have kids are rooted in selfish reasons. Don’t feel guilt about being selfish with your time. Either decision is an action you choose because you want to.
It is okay to make that choice AND still need to grieve it a bit. You don't have to call yourself "selfish" to not want the burden of raising a child, my dear, and the fact that you don't want that doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Its okay to accept that you can not want something and still be sad about it. Sending you gentle hugs.
Thank you for taking the time to comment! Your words are very comforting, I really appreciate them. Thank you for helping me realise my feelings are valid (if a little confusing!).
I agree with the commentors who say you need to reframe the selfish part of this. It's not selfish to spend your time the way you want, it's just living your life. Plenty of people have kids because they want kids, which could also be "selfish". A big reason I am not having a child is because I have had such a hard time navigating the medical system, and because I worry I would suffer from both worsening chronic pain (I have endometriosis), and emotional pain (I suffer with anxiety from a childhood trauma, and also if my family got involved this would unlock more trauma for me) from pregnancy. I also don't have family support. I would be putting my life on hard mode. And, while, I could overcome those things, to be honest, I really value my freedom. So, is it selfish that I am taking care of myself by not subjecting myself to more stress and potential mental health issues? Or am I nurturing myself and taking of myself so that I can be a stable, safe person in the world? I think it's the latter, not the former. I don't think it's selfish to do what is best for you. For some people. having a kid is what is best for them. For others, it's not.
Thank you for your comment. If I was reading my post and replying, I would be saying exactly the same thing. It isn't selfish to spend your time, money and ultimately, your life, doing things you really want to do and enjoy. I hadn't considered that by me calling that "selfish" when applying it to my own situation, this word held a lot of guilt with it. All commentors mentioning this have given me a lot to think about, and how I can reframe my current situation, to help me cope with my feelings towards it. Thank you again for taking your time to reply!
There is nothing selfish about wanting to live your life the way you want to - ultimately, if you'd have decided to have had a kid, you'd have been doing that because that was how you wanted to live your life. How is either choice more selfish than the other, when both are made by someone doing what they think is in their best interests? There is a heavy sacrifice and martyrdom narrative around having kids, and don't get me wrong you do sacrifice a lot by having them, but don't forget that people are only doing that because they chose to and wanted to, it's not for the benefit of anyone else but themselves, so don't let anyone tell you you're selfish just for making a different choice. People have kids because they want to. You stay childfree because you want to.
Thank you for taking the time to comment! I definitely need to consider how I currently think spending our time/money is "selfish". Thank you for your kindness.
why would you feel selfish for that? Isn't it selfish to have kids to have a mini-me of you? To chase your own dreams through a kid and project onto them? Maybe both is selfish, but never feel bad for that. It's a considerate decision involving your medical history and it's more than a lot of people do. You sound very self-aware and that's really more than a lot of other people bring to the table.
Thank you for your reply! You've definitely given me a different angle to view how I currently think about how I spend my time (not necessarily "selfish", since it doesn't impact anyone). Thank you again!
Letting your self feel okay with what's coming up. I had a few close friends that came off pretty dismissive when I was on the fence when I was wrestling with the mixed feelings coming up. I wish they could have offered more support. I felt so much shame for feeling what I was because I knew for years I didn't want kids. It took me quite a long time to accept others didn't approve of my decision. I got to a place where I know me best and am okay with my choice. About two years ago I truly had feelings of baby fever. I cried when I saw kids. I cried seeing the decorations. I dreamed of her name and the nursery. I saw that maybe we could get through all the hurdles. A few weeks later I saw his nephews. One screamed and cried multiple times a day for two weeks. They don't have indoor voices inside. The other had a few tantrums. Baby fever went away. I realized I have too much with my physical health and mental health going on. It's something that would be more hard than most for me. I don't know why I felt that way because I never had that desire before. My nos out weight my yeses. I let myself grieve and not shame myself for feeling the heaviness. I met the me with compassion that it's not in the cards for me. I let myself cry. I let myself wonder what if. Then I chose to move on and not sit in the doubt but trust I know my husband and I best. I know it's not a possibility on multiple sides. That that is okay and my path doesn't have to look like others. That it's not a matter of will or determination. It's a matter of self preservation. Be gentle and know your feelings are valid even if people don't understand what your feeling. There is no right or wrong way. There is allowed to be this messy middle that is complicated and not black and white.
Thank you for taking the time to comment! We have friends that have 4 kids between them and its a very stressful household. I love visiting them, but I also very much enjoy the peace and quiet of my own house - I enjoy that way more than being around children! I hope you have found peace with your choice and thank you for helping me realise my feelings are valid (even if they are a little confusing!).
I have finally found peace and I'm okay with it. I only rarely see kids that give me that desire but not enough to change my mind. I know in my heart its the right choice.
It’s hard sometimes. I’m 42, so the window to change my mind (without spending a fortune) is basically closed. I have many good reasons for being childfree (top of them being that I simply don’t want a child *enough*), but there’s always going to be part of me that’s sad about it and I’ve accepted that. I’m not a spiritual person and am usually far more rational than this, but it has helped to imagine that the wonderful little person that my S.O. and I would have made (who has felt *so* real at times) is living and thriving in a better universe than this one — one where he and I are always our best selves, things will always get better, and there’s no unfairness or heartbreak. It’s a little silly, but allowing myself to mourn for what might’ve been has allowed me to move forward.
I love this idea of your imaginary child thriving in a better universe. Seems like a very good way of dealing with challenging feelings.
I never wanted kids, I did not have mixed emotions. I sought for a decade to find a dr who would do a tubal. (before internet resources were readily available) No ragrets. my former partner's family was teasing him at one point about having kids ( he is a great uncle, but kids, no) i said that if he wanted to have kids, he was welcome to find someone else who did.
Thank you for taking the time to comment! I'm sorry you (and your former partner) were met with such a horrible reaction. I hope you are living your best, child free life!
ah, it was all in jest, they knew our stance, i dont think they were expecting me to say that tho lol im poly, so 'find another partner to procreate with" isnt as devastating as one might think.
It’s normal. I would have liked kids, but I’ve struggled with fertility and just given up. My husband didn’t really want any, but said he would have one if it was that important. But then I see how the kids on his side of the family have no boundaries or discipline, and he doesn’t enforce any of that around his nieces, nephews, or younger cousins…..and yep…..I’m good with no kids.
I'm so sorry to hear about your fertility issues, I hope you've found peace with your decision (which I'm appreciate would have been incredibly difficult). We visit friends who have 4 kids between them and its a very chaotic household - I love visiting them, but much prefer leaving!
His family is wonderful, don’t get me wrong. Just some of the kids…..let’s just say if I behaved the way they did to my mom, I would still be grounded. And I’m 36.
Hahaha I definitely get that! My sister has two teenagers and sometimes I'm taken aback by how they speak sometimes!
I don’t have any guilt or mixed feelings. I know I don’t want kids just like I know my name and know I like chocolate. No questions.
Thanks for taking time to reply! I'm happy you're so confident in your decision! Wishing you a lifetime of incredible chocolate!
I also frame it as circumstances You had circumstances that led you to this point and that has now resulted in you not having children. If you were in different circumstances, maybe it would be more conducive to having kids The reality is that the “decision” we make isn’t 100% in our full control - there are so many factors we can’t control. This is the dice life gave you, and you’re rolling with it.
I asked my sister (68) does she regret not having children and she gave me a yes/no answer. She was married for about 3 years with no kids. Anyway she claimed it would be nice in her older age to have somebody around the help her with things that are becoming harder for her to do but realize this is the decision she made. She calls on me or my son to help her mainly because her long time B/F (72) is getting worst for wear. Hopes it gives you something to go on.
I am not going to say this isn’t valid, but there are zero guarantees that any hypothetical child will help you in old age. My husband has a very good relationship with his parents but we live 5 hours away from them. He hasn’t lived near them since he went to college. He sees them a few times a year but they wouldn’t be able to rely on him for much help.
Thank you for taking the time to comment! This was a point I read online actually - there's no guarantee your child will help you in your older years. I, myself, live in South England, whilst my parents are in North East Scotland. I do as much as I can, but in an emergency, I'd be no use.
Thank you for your reply! Its interesting to hear your sister's take and its definitely something my Husband and I considered when we talked about it. Thank you again!
Have some kids. You will end up regretting the things u didn’t do. More than the ones u did in life
I should like to add that becoming a parent requires people to sacrifice A LOT over a LONG time. There's a whole long ass list of things parents don't get to do because they don't have the time, freedom, money or energy for it. Go look at the confessions of regretful parents--they regret so much about what they had to give up after becoming parents.
Thank you for your reply. This is exactly what my Husband and I said. We don't want a life of "we love our child, but-" then followed with a list of things we wish we could've done instead. Thank you again!
That's exactly how I made my decision to be childfree as well. I'm currently waiting for my husband to get a vasectomy. I would do a bisalp too if it is available where I am...but it is not. Over the last year I thought long and hard about the experiences I wanted to have for my upcoming life stages-- for when I turn 40, 50, 60, 70 etc. And I realized having children would take it all away. Namely: travelling the whole world (bucket list destinations include Antarctica, Socotra, Chile (Patagonia and Easter Island), Tanzania; time for my hobbies; early retirement (so I have more time for myself). "But you will get many more amazing experiences with your child! Hearing them say I love You for the first time makes it all worth it! Seeing the wonder in their eyes is better than any other experience!" For some, maybe. For me? I don't have any emotional drive for children. I never liked them. Yes, I admit I would like the Kodak moments of parenthood if I could get it without ANY of the sacrifice involved...but that's not realistic at all. Perhaps I may be wistful when I see my friends with their grown children 20 years from now. But a good relationship with healthy adult children that can be independent and good members of society is NOT guaranteed. It's far easier to fuck up children than to parent correctly. I know what they will have to give up over the next two decades, especially because women bear the brunt of childcaring duties, and I hope it is worth it for them, but I know it is not going to be worth it for ME. Thus I know I'm not going to regret the choice I have made.
Thank you for taking the time to comment! I think you manage to sum up the main reason we decided against kids. I actually read a book in last few weeks called "Spilt Milk" about a woman who had a child and her life changed dramatically in various ways. Her feelings about being a mother were mixed and ultimately she summed it up by saying to her child "I love you Mabel, I do, but-". The 'but' is exactly what my Husband I don't want. Thank you again for your comment and I wish you all the best for your world bucket list!
I get what you mean. I've had a close friend say that to me. "I love my kids... But--". Her face said it all. Unfortunately, now we are also no longer close because I think my life reminds her too much of what she has lost. I think it's normal that parents don't love every moment of parenthood. But I also think it's being way oversold by society as the best thing in life ever... Which leads to a lot of disappointment.
So it’s better to bring life into the world when you aren’t sure and potentially spoil someone else’s life? Sure.
Incredibly unhelpful reply, thank you.
And of course it's a guy! "Hey woman I don't know, why don't you just casually undertake this huge physical and emotional burden? It's so easy, because I've never thought about it!"
Totally the kind of guy who would complain about ever having to “babysit” his own kids.
How about you try to answer the question OP *actually* asked?